Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I know firsthand that when you’re reluctantly separated, you often scour the internet, social media, and forums looking for evidence that people on the brink of divorce were able to save their marriages. If they can do it, you figure, then perhaps you can do it too.

I had those same thoughts, and I did eventually save my marriage. I still made many preventable mistakes, but those tidbits I read about couples on the brink of divorce did reassure me. And since I’ve come out on the other side, eventually saved my marriage, and dialogued with couples who have successfully gone through this, I believe I know several things these couples have in common.  

I’ll list them here. I hope they are helpful. Keep in mind, though, that what may work for some won’t likely work for everyone. You may have to try different things as your situation allows to see what works best for you. Here are the attributes that I’ve seen in couples who’ve turned it around:

One Person Is Motivated:  One of the most common concerns I hear is that one spouse believes she needs to save the marriage herself, and she doubts that this will be possible. I won’t lie. It can be an uphill climb at times. But it is not impossible. For quite a while, I was the only one in my marriage interested in saving it. My husband doubted it was possible and just wasn’t going to put in the effort because he felt it was all a waste of time. His apathy remained no matter how much I tried to beg him, guilt him, or manipulate him. 

That meant that only one person could save us initially – me. And while I ultimately couldn’t do it alone because I eventually needed his cooperation to reconcile, I could do a great deal initially. I was able to make some important progress all on my own. Once my husband saw this progress, he wasn’t as reluctant as before, and he did eventually participate in the process of our reconciliation.  

But none of this would have happened if I’d lost motivation. It was clear to me that my marriage depended on me. There were days when it honestly seemed hopeless and more prudent to give up. Thankfully, I just didn’t have the quit in me at the time. I’m grateful for that now.

An Acceptance that You Can’t Think or Talk Your Way Out of This:  When you’re marriage is in trouble, it’s a fair bet that you and your spouse disagree on some things. Because of this, it’s easy to believe that if you can explain your viewpoint effectively enough, or work hard enough to change his mind, then you’re home free. In my experience and observation, it’s just not going to work this way.  

He likely believes in his viewpoints every bit as much as you do. The conflict isn’t going to magically disappear just because you talk about it repeatedly. Instead, you’re usually going to need to take some action to make some change. It’s ideal if you BOTH make some changes. But initially, you may have to go first. And that can be okay if your taking the initiative is the change that jumpstarts the cooperation necessary to get this process started.  

Someone is Willing to be Vulnerable and Try Something New: If you’re determined to keep going in your relationship the same way, you’re going to get the same results – a marriage in trouble. I do realize that you may be in a situation where you don’t feel that any of this is your fault. I felt that way at times. But eventually, I realized that either way, it was my responsibility to take part in fixing whatever was broken because if I didn’t do it, it might not get done. 

So I had to take a very honest look at the things that were not working in my marriage and be willing to replace those things with something else. This wasn’t always comfortable. I am set in my ways, and I didn’t always like walking outside of my comfort zone. But my husband noticed and then appreciated the effort, making it absolutely worth it. 

There’s a Willingness to See Things From the Other Spouse’s Perspective: I knew what was wrong with my marriage from my own perspective, but my husband didn’t share my views. So continuing on from that perspective wasn’t going to change a thing. I had to look at my marriage from my husband’s perspective. After all, I knew the marriage like the back of my hand from my point of view, but that hadn’t saved us.  

So I got ruthless, and I thought about my marriage in the way that he would. This shift was eye-opening. And a bit hurtful because I had to look at my own flaws. But, this process gave me a really nice road map of what I could address in my marriage. It allowed me to know that if I could successfully address the problems my husband perceived were most troublesome, then he might change his perspective.

There is Patience and Flexibility: Some couples get very lucky. Their separation doesn’t last for very long, and reconciliation comes quickly. But this isn’t true for everyone. Sometimes, unless you just want to give in and “call it” on your marriage, you are going to have to wait it out. You’re going to have some days where you doubt that this will ever end well, and yet, you’re going to have to keep going anyway. 

There will be days when the anger spills over and you wonder how this will ever turn around, and you’ll have to let things calm down before you pick back up again. Sometimes, you’ll need to give things time as you try new strategies, hit setbacks, or just feel discouraged. All of this requires patience. And having patience isn’t easy. But if I didn’t have patience, I would be divorced today. 

A Willingness to Work Together and Compromise When It Matters: If you are lucky and skillful, there will come a time when your spouse becomes less hostile and more receptive. Hopefully, you will have the opportunity to roll up your sleeves and try to make this marriage work again. When that time comes, you must approach things with a spirit of cooperation and compromise.  

Neither of you can expect to get everything you want, nor should either of you expect to make every concession. Instead, you want to work together so that both people are satisfied. You want each person to give a bit to get even more. It is important to think in the long term. Don’t think about the habits, beliefs, and resentments that you are giving up. Think about the new marriage you are gaining. 

I know that this process can ask a lot of you.  I’ve been there.  But I believe these attributes can save marriages.  They certainly helped to save mine.  You can read more about how I did this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin