Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s an awful feeling when you know that your husband may want to change the course of your marriage.  It’s so heart wrenching to know that while you are sitting there alone, your husband might be somewhere deciding if you are going to stay together or separate.  You feel hopeless to do anything about it.  And it’s very easy to assume the worst. Plus, it can be a huge challenge to fill the time in constructive ways when you feel anything but positive during the waiting.

A wife might explain: “I will admit that I haven’t been the perfect wife.  I am sometimes moody and self centered.  I can be hard to live with.  I have been trying to improve this but I suppose I am too late.  Last week, my husband and I got in a huge fight and he told me that living with me is like riding a roller coaster every day and he said he doesn’t think that he can live this way anymore.  I told him that I have actively been working on making changes.  And he said that if our fight was any indication, then it appears that whatever I am doing is not working.  He said he felt he needed some distance from me and he’s staying with his mom.  That was a week ago.  I talked to him last night and I asked him where we went from here.  He told me that he was coming to a decision about what he wanted to do with our marriage.  I can’t say that I’m completely blindsided by this.  I knew when he left that things were bad because he’s never left before.  But I am really struggling.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  The thought that he is pondering not being married to me anymore feels so awful to me.  All I can do is sit here and wonder.  I wonder what is thinking at that very instant.  I cry alone at home.  I pull out all photos and get sad all over again.  I don’t have much else to do in the evenings so I go to bed early.  And then I dream.  Seriously, I know that I need to break this cycle because it’s making me feel awful.  But I don’t know how.  I feel like I am going crazy while I wait for his decision.  I don’t dare tell him this.  But it’s true.”

I know this feeling.  I experienced it too. I also know that this feeling sad can become a habit.  And I know that your mindset can make things seem more bleak than they actually are.  I also understand knowing intellectually that you have to pull yourself out of it, but feeling like you are almost helpless to do so.

I will share with you what helped me to get myself out of it.  And frankly, I almost had to do this by self force.  Because it is so easy to sit in your home and let the feelings wash over you when it feels so hard to put one foot in front of the other.  But this is exactly what you must do.

Regular Accountability: Try to commit to doing something regularly so that you are accountable when you don’t.  To me, it seems that finding a counselor would be a perfect solution here.  It was pointed out that the wife wanted to change some things. Not only would a counselor help you do that, but she could also give you someplace regular to be and she’d likely give you homework from one session to the next which would mean you’d have something to fill some of the time.

If counseling isn’t possible, find some self help with assignments and things which must be done from one chapter to the next chapter.   If one isn’t enough to keep your busy then get more than one.

A Carefully Chosen Support System: Next, it is very helpful to surround yourself with supportive people who are going to help you with these goals.  I also think it’s important to carefully chose these folks.  I have plenty of friends, but I only had some friends who I wanted around me during my separation.  I didn’t want the friends who would encourage me to date or to go out during all hours of the night.  I didn’t want the friends who had recently divorced and who were going to knock the institution of marriage in general.  I didn’t want the family members who were going to tell me that they never liked my husband.  I wanted the friends who understood my need for self growth and who simply cared about my well being.

Once you’ve pinpointed which friends are going to be the most appropriately supportive, have a standing date with them.  Meet them at regular times at regular places and know that they will call you on it if you try to weasel out of it. Finally, fill your days with things that you not only enjoy, but that will elevate your mood.  For me, I started working out again.  I got outside to walk and listen to music.  Because I knew if I sat at home I would just feel sad.

Often, when you take advantage of the time away from your husband to genuinely work on yourself, this may help with his decision because he sees that you are sincere about any changes. I almost didn’t mention that because I don’t want getting out and working on yourself to be only about presenting an image to your husband.  I want it to be about elevating yourself.

I know that it is difficult.  I know that sometimes, it will feel like you are forcing yourself to do something that you do not want to do.  But it is very important to not get into the habit of isolating yourself and feeling sad and hopeless.  Not only is this not good for you, but it is not good for your marriage either.  And when you feel crazy and out of control, that it when it is most important for you to get a sense of control.  For me, the best way to do this was to establish regular routines where I was putting myself out there and doing healthy things for myself.  You can read more about my struggles and my triumphs on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Wives who are reluctantly separated can put a lot of stock in whether or not (and when) their husband steps foot into the home once again.  I know this because I was one of these wives. Often, we put forth an awful lot of effort to get him to come by or to visit because the hope is that once he does, he won’t leave again. Getting him back to the house can take a considerable amount of effort – especially when the original reason that he left was because he wanted “space.” So we can be ecstatic when he finally agrees to come by – until he leaves again. This can be very confusing to a wife who worked oh so very hard to get him through that door.

She might explain: “for the first three weeks of our separation, my husband wouldn’t even really accept my calls. He didn’t want to talk to or see me. You would assume from his behavior that he was angry with me or that I did something wrong, but this didn’t seem to be the case. In fact, I asked him what I did and he couldn’t give me a straight answer. He would only say that he needed space and that the only way to really get that space was to move out. I was devastated but I tried to hear and respect what he was saying to me. However, as time went on, he started to call with some regularity. I tried not to get my hopes us, but I admit that I eventually did get excited at the idea that things might be changing. We met at restaurants a few times and then I finally got up the courage to ask him to come over to the house and spend the day with me. I will admit that my hope was that we would have a wonderful day and that he wouldn’t leave at the end of the day. At worst, I hoped that he would spend the night. At best, I thought he would move back in. Well, we did have a wonderful day. I keep going back over the entire day in my own head and there wasn’t anything that wasn’t near perfect about it. But as night started to fall, my husband gathered his jacket and said that he needed to go back to his own place. I am sure that my disappointment was very obvious but I didn’t say anything and I didn’t break down until after he left. Why would he come over and not stay? Does this mean that he decided on that day that he didn’t want to be with me?”

It is very normal to expect the worst when we pinned so many hopes on that one outing that we worked so very hard to make happen. However, having gone through this myself and having heard from many other people who have gone through this, it would be uncommon for a husband to visit only once and then stay. Most of the time, his coming home for good is a gradual process.

Embracing (And Enjoying) The Gradual:  Although this may not be what you want to hear (I know that I didn’t want to hear it either) it is actually beneficial to take things slowly. If you rush, people have doubts, issues are not solved, and you are vulnerable to being hit with the same old problems and issues before you’ve regained your marital footing.

Honestly, taking it slow has some advantages.  That build up can be very tantalizing.  And when you actually do live together again, that honeymoon period is so sweet because you know that you have done the work to make it successful and without awkwardness.

Look At How Far You Have Already Come: I know that you probably feel down right now, but I don’t think that you should. Just for a second, let’s look at how much progress you’ve made. You started with a husband who didn’t even want to talk on the phone and you’ve set it up where he’s now willingly visiting face to face and having a wonderful time when he does.

Honestly, that is something to celebrate. And it is also something that you can build on. As much of a challenge as it may be, try not to let your disappointment show. Because if it does, he may feel badly about the whole situation and hesitate to continue on with the meetings because he wants to spare you disappointment and pain. This is the last thing that you want.

This is only my opinion, but to me, your best bet is continue on with the progress that you have made. When the time is right, schedule another meeting. Continue to have fun. Ensure that things continue to go well. If you can do this successfully, there is no reason whatsoever that he shouldn’t eventually come home quite willingly. And when he does, you will have the confidence that you didn’t rush into it too quickly. And you will know that the timing was just right.

I do understand thinking that you don’t want to be without your husband for one more day. I know that feeling very intimately. But, it is better to get him home at the right time and in the right way. Because otherwise, you struggle with doubts and additional issues. And you don’t need this on top of everything else. You can read more about how I went from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: People often think that when they live in the same house but fight, this is actually a detriment to their marriage. Many think that if they want to save their marriage, then the optimal thing to do is to officially separate, live apart, and hope that they miss one another. Actually I don’t agree that this is always the best route to go anyway (which I’ll discuss below.) And, not every couple can afford to maintain two households.

Someone might say: “it stinks, but it is the truth. My husband and I just can not afford to separate right now. We can afford to maintain our current home, but if we had two homes to pay for, then that would seriously cause stress and hardship. However, living in the same house with him is awful because all we do is fight. Just seeing him makes me angry. When he gets in my way, that makes me even angrier. I have thought that it might be beneficial for us to live apart so that things could calm down between us. But we don’t have the money for that. Our financial situation is what has caused us stress in the first place. Ultimately, I believe that once I calm down and things settle down, I would probably like to save my marriage. But I don’t see that it is going to possible with us trapped like rats in a cage in this house and going at each other all of the time. How can I start the process of making things better for us when we are forced to live together?”

Why I Don’t Think That Living Together When Trying To Reconcile Is A Bad Idea: It may surprise you to hear this, but I think it is preferable for couples to live together when trying to save their marriages. I believe that, when done correctly, this arrangement gives you the highest chance of having success. And the reason for this is that when you are living apart, there is a tendency to go for long periods of time without communicating or seeing one another. This leads people to assume all sorts of bad things about their spouse. Is he seeing someone else? Has he moved on? Does he not even care?  And often, you take these fears with you when you try to communicate. And since you don’t see each other every day anymore, you want to get everything in. This can lead to nasty fights because everything has built up. So rather than making any progress, your relationship deteriorates even further. And it’s hard to reassure each other or to do damage control when you may not see one another the next day.

Sure, people do miss one another sometimes, but even this does not guarantee success.  It takes at least some regular contact to reconcile, at least in my experience.  And regular contact is less likely to happen when you live apart.  That’s not to say that people who live apart don’t reconcile.  They do.  I did.  But I think it’s just easier when you live together.

Taking Time Out To Restore Calm When You’re Still Living Together: At the same time, when the close quarters are making you fight, that is not ideal either. There may be some alternatives. Can you both agree to give one another space in the home? In other words, maybe one of you can sleep in a spare bedroom for a short period of time. Maybe you can exist on opposite sides of the house until things calm down.

If you don’t like this idea, can you stay with family for a few days? Or a coworker? I always suggest that you take control and be the one to leave because that way you get to decide when you want to come back home. If your spouse is the one who leaves, then you give up the control and you can’t be sure when he’s coming back.

Finally, it’s hard to save your marriage until you can communicate constructively without fighting. It is OK to disagree with respect because doing so allows you to see what the true issues are between you. It helps you to identify what is separating you. But, it’s very common to not know how to do this constructively so that it just seems like you are fighting and personally attacking one another.  If this is what is happening, learn to keep yourself from engaging in this way.  Take a break. Take a walk.  Tell your spouse that you both need to take a time out because you aren’t getting anything accomplished.

Hear what he is saying and then instead of striking back, say something like: “OK, let me see if I understand your point. You’re saying that you’re concerned about our finances and you’re frustrated that things aren’t getting any better in our relationship. Do I have that right?”

Once you’ve identified the core of why the fights keep coming up, then it’s time to really and truly do something about it. Because until you do, you will keep dancing the same old destructive dance, getting no where.

This might sound like a simple two step process, but it’s normal for people to struggle. Often, you’re not looking at one simple issue and you have to address the resentment that has cropped up as well as different communication styles. I know that money is tight here, but counseling or talking to a third party can help dramatically. This doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money. Many people use their priest. Or their children’s school guidance counselor. And some communities off free or low cost social services counseling. If these things aren’t available, then there are countless self help books at libraries. The point is, it’s often easier if there is someone or something to guide you through this because often you are close to it in order to see it objectively.

Getting back to the original question though, I do believe you can save your marriage while living in the same house. In fact, I think it’s optimal, so long as you learn to communicate effectively while doing it. My husband and I lived apart during our separation and that actually raised a lot more challenges that had to be overcome before we could reconcile, although we did eventually save our marriage.You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many of the people who I hear from reach out because they are dealing with a spouse who has left them.  There are various reasons for this.  Sometimes, there is definable problems within the marriage that most definitely need to be worked through.  But other times, spouses leave for more vague reasons – which can make things particularly frustrating and difficult.  One such example is a spouse who leaves because he “just isn’t happy.”

The spouse who has been left might say: “my husband started whining about how unhappy he was about nine months before he actually left.  So I knew that he was likely to leave me in search of his elusive happiness.  The thing is, it takes an awful lot to make this man happy. I’m starting to think that he is just the type of person who is determined to find the fault in everything. Plus, I am not sure how I’m supposed to make him happier when I am not even living with him and I can’t possibly see him everyday. We did meet for coffee last week and I do have to admit that he seemed a little bit more upbeat than the last time I saw him.  I made a comment off the cuff about being divorced this time next year and he asked why I would assume that.  I told him that I didn’t know any couples who reconciled after one of them left out of unhappiness.  My husband said we know very few separated couples anyway and that I was making a silly generalization.  I’m not sure why he leads me on in this way.  He clearly wouldn’t come back to me until he is happy. And, as best as I can tell, someone’s happiness is not something that the other spouse can fix.  I mean, if I were a nasty, critical wife and this was making my husband crazy, then that is something I could fix.  But I can not fix that he’s generally an unhappy person.  I guess my real question is do spouses who leave for vague reasons like not being happy ever come back? Because I honestly just can’t envision my husband proclaiming that he’s suddenly happy when there’s nothing I can do to address the problem anyway.”

I know how frustrating this must be for you.  You feel like you’re trying to address something that you can’t even really see, much less fix.  But it might help you to hear that I’ve heard from couples who reconciled after one spouse left due to general unhappiness or from a general sense that their life could be better.  And, my own husband came back and we’re still married today when at least one the reasons he left was vague unhappiness.

Just from my own observations, here are some common reasons why couples end up reconciling when one of them leaves due to unhappiness.

 The Unhappy Spouse Gets Counseling Or Seeks Another Type Of Help:  If your spouse is unhappy for reasons that have very little to do with your marriage (which certainly isn’t out of the question) then as you already know its very difficult for you to change things.  But someone who is qualified and skilled with dealing with this can most definitely change things.  Seeing a specialist who can get to the heart of the problem and offer a real change in outlook can be life changing.  And once these spouses start experiencing real happiness again, they are often much more receptive to their marriage.  This change doesn’t always come about through formal counseling. Sometimes, the unhappy spouse choses to go the self help route or confides in a priest or other qualified third party.

The Unhappy Spouse Sees That Living Alone Didn’t Increase Their Happiness Level:  Sometimes, people project many of their problems onto their marriages.  The core issue of your spouse’s unhappiness may actually be stress, his job, or undiagnosed depression.  But he assumes that it is you or the marriage because those things are easy targets.  Fortunately though, sometimes he leaves those things only to find that he’s either no happier or he is actually more unhappy alone.  And once he realizes this, then there’s really no reason to continue on with the separation.

 “Unhappiness” Is Code For Legitimate Marital Problems That Get Addressed: Sometimes, people will tell you that they are unhappy when in reality, they are reacting to a problem that could actually be named.  For example, a husband might tell you that he is just not happy when what he really means is that he feels lonely sometimes in his own marriage because neither of you are as attentive or perceptive as you could be.

So, what sometimes happens is that one or both of you will work on these things during the separation. And your spouse will notice the changes and come to believe that the issues are fixed or greatly improved. With the major problems out of the way, then it’s safe to came back home to a new and improved marriage.

This happened in my case.  Before he left, my husband wasn’t shy about moping and showing his unhappiness. But this did nothing to clue me into the fact that he felt a bit abandoned by a spouse who had an enormous work load and who was struggling under the pressure (while taking it out on him.)  I had to do a lot of research and asking of open ended questions before I could determine what the true problem was.  Once I was able to address this, things improved.  Because his lack of happiness wasn’t really the problem – but a very concrete issue in our marriage was.

I hope that this has helped some.  It’s not impossible for an unhappy spouse to come home.  It certainly happens quite a lot.  But if there are any marital issues that you are aware of, it helps if you can address them during the separation. You can read more about my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I find that very few people go into a separation thinking that it is going to improve their marriage. Very few people are excited about it. But many feel that it might be their only hope if they want to avoid a divorce. And, since its natural to try to look on the bright side, many of us hope that our separation might actually improve things for us – at least in the long run.

This does sometimes happen. Ideally, the separation will cause both people to miss each other and allow them to see that perhaps they should compromise more and complain less. People often realize that they took the other person for granted and had expectations that were just too high. When this happens, it can make a reconciliation easier because both people are more motivated to give a little more and take a little less.

But sometimes things can go in the opposite way. Sometimes, the couple may miss one another and have the realizations that I discussed above. But, misunderstandings, jealousy, or insecurities can cause further damage. People often act out of fear during their separations. They are afraid their spouse will become romantically involved someone else, act badly, or pursue a divorce. So the interactions can be difficult and hurtful. The result is that your marriage is actually damaged by the separation and not helped by it. Still, some people decide (for a variety of reasons) to try to save their marriage anyway. And they are left with the task of trying to get their marriage back on track when it’s been damaged even further by the separation that was supposed to save it.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “I’m not exaggerating when I say that my separation was a total disaster. I had hoped that my husband would see that he still wanted me. But actually, he just seemed annoyed with me. We fought even more during our separation. I was the one who had to listen to my kids cry about where their father was. And I suppose that I got resentful about that. I pictured him going out and living this carefree, fun life while I was stuck at home dealing with my children who were in a great deal of pain. This resentment came out in unfortunate ways. When I did have the opportunity to interact with my husband, I was kind of mean to him. And he did not appreciate this and was nasty right back to me. If fate had not intervened, I honestly think we would have divorced. But my husband’s mother became sick. We are very close. So she is staying with me. She has asked her son to come back home. And when she did, one of my kids overheard it and chimed in: ‘please daddy. Please come back home.’ So my husband is reluctantly coming back home. I still want to save my marriage. But at this point, we are even angrier with one another. Is it possible to save a marriage that was so damaged by the separation?”

I think that it is possible. And I realize that not everyone has the luxury of the separation improving things. I know that I was lucky. The separation harmed my marriage at first (and a lot of this was my fault) but in the end, it actually ended up improving things. And although not everyone is lucky in this way, I have seen couples who were able to turn it around. I am by no means an expert, but I can’t help but notice things that these couples have in common. I will discuss these things below.

Be Willing To Leave The Past In The Past: There’s no question that many people have legitimate reasons to feel hurt and resentful about their spouse’s behavior during the separation. Emotions can be raw and intense. And this can cloud the way that you treat your spouse when he attempts to come home.
Although your feelings are completely understandable, they might thwart your wish to reconcile. So at some point, you have to be able to put them aside in pursuit of the greater good.

It’s not always easy, but I found it helpful that when I felt my emotions getting the best of me, I would pause and ask myself if the behavior I was considering was going to get me closer or further away from my goal. If the actions were going to impede my ability to reconcile, then I tried very hard to stop myself before I caused damage.

Find A Way To Have Some Fun: Honestly, a turning point in my separation came because of a very important question posed by a very close friend. I was whining to my friend about how my husband was avoiding me and how every time we got together, it was a disaster. My friend said: “please don’t take this the wrong way, but you have to ask yourself how much fun you are to be around right now.”

At first, I was taken aback, hurt, and angry. But when I calmed down, I realized that this person loved me and was trying to help me. And yes, it was probably not a lot of fun at all to be around me. So, of course, my husband was avoiding me and not trying very hard to interact with me.  Our separation made me angry and sad and this affected every interaction we had. So I changed my focus and I made sure that I was more fun and less stressful to be around. This made a huge difference. When your interactions are pleasant, it is easier to navigate problems because your defenses aren’t on high alert.

Seek Out Some Objectivity: Even when you are successful at bringing down the tension and ramping up the fun, there is going to come a time where you have to address what led to the separation. If not done correctly, this can negate any progress that you have made. You have to be able to objectively see what is going on and objectively foresee the most logical and effective way to fix it.

This can be extremely hard when you are so close to the situation. I know that not everyone loves counseling, but it can be helpful. If you are not open to it, then at least educate yourself so that you can identify and fix the issues that you may not be seeing clearly right now.

You can’t keep burying the issues and then expect them not to crop up over and over again. But if you can eliminate them, this makes a reconciliation so much easier and the separation no longer necessary.

As I said, although the separation damaged my marriage at first, it ended up helping once I changed course and adjusted my attitude.  Looking back, I tried to incorporate a lot of what I’ve said above even after he came home. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are first separated, you sometimes fantasize about the day that you can start seeing your spouse on a romantic level again. For most people, this comes in the form of dates or outings. Many people (myself included) underestimate just how much worry is wrapped up in these outings. You would think that you would certainly know how to date your spouse with ease. After all, you are married to this person.

But things have changed. The marriage may be in trouble. So much is at stake. Things make be tense and awkward between you. And most of the time, you want it to work so badly that you put a lot of pressure on the situation, which only increases the awkwardness. So it can seem as if this one outing or this one date is of the utmost importance. We tend to trick ourselves into thinking that maybe we have this one chance with our spouse and we’d better make it special or it had better go well or we might end of divorced.  We place so much emphasis on that one date that we do not enjoy it.

Someone might describe it this way: “it’s taken me about three weeks to even get my separated husband to agree to see me outside of our home. I want to get together at least once a week to just reconnect. He was resistant to this for a while, but a couple of days ago, he agreed that we could go out Friday night. He said he would let me decide what I wanted to do. What I’d really like to do is for him to just come over to our home, eat dinner together, and make out or cuddle on the couch. But I know that I can’t ask him to do this. I know that he would say no. So what types of outings or dates are good while you are separated?”

Mistakes That I Found Out About Along The Way: I can tell you the types of things that worked well for me, although every one is different. I know that it is very tempting to do either one of two things –

1) try to arrange for a long trip that includes a sleep over; or

2) to try to do things that you used to enjoy as a couple while taking a trip down memory lane.

Both of these strategies have a bit of risk, although they do sometimes work.

I have found that the “weekend away” strategy is risky if things are awkward or a little strained between you . That’s just a lot of togetherness and if there aren’t clear boundaries about whether or not you’re continuing to sleep together, this can be very awkward, if not downright hurtful. Plus, if things go really badly, both people can think that a reconciliation just isn’t going to work. People start to worry that if they can’t even spend a weekend together, how are they going to spend the rest of their lives together?

This is unfortunate because sometimes, the couple certainly could have had a better experience and outcome if they would have just waited a little before trying this type of outing.

The other strategy (doing things you used to enjoy together) is also risky because this outing is already familiar to you, but when things “feel differently” people can read too much into it. Sure it is going to feel differently because things have drastically changed. I was careful with these types of outings because it was all just too familiar.

What Might Be A Better Idea: I think that the better call is finding situations where you can experience new and exciting things with your spouse. An amusement park. A tour where you learn something new.  A sporting event. A cooking class. An exhibit that allows you talk if you like but where talking is not really necessary.

I always found it a good idea to chose things where talking was possible, but not required. You want to be able to just have fun if things are tense or awkward so that you don’t have to struggle to feel those silences. And can just concentrate on enjoying yourself without a lot of pressure.

Of course, what types of activities in this category would appeal to you are going to depend on the personality of yourself and your spouse. Go with something you know that you’ll enjoy and don’t have to feel stress over. But at the same time, try to make sure it’s a little outside of your knowledge and comfort zone so that you have to pay attention and can take the focus off of the fact that things have changed and that there is so much at stake. You want to avoid placing pressure on the situation as much as you can. You want to focus on having fun with each other.

Relax When Things Feel Tense: If things start feeling a little awkward, try to just relax and not to make it worse. The goal is not to reconcile right on the spot. It is to end the night so that there is another date to come. You want to move slowly. You want for things to feel natural and effortless.

Don’t think about reconciling. at least on your date. Think about the next date. And the next. I know that I’m asking a lot. It’s natural to think about a reconciliation. But in my own experience, the second that you do this you sabotage yourself because you’ve ramped up the pressure. And pressure is one variable that can ruin your good time.

I truly had to force myself to move slowly when my husband and I began to see each other during our separation.  I truly wanted to push and rush, but I knew that I would sabotage myself if I did. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be hard to tell if your spouse is serious about his claims concerning your marriage if it appears that he is changing his mind and his behaviors all of the time. You often want for him to be only posturing, especially when he is telling you that your marriage is over.  So while it’s annoying that he may be bluffing you, the hope is often that this is exactly what he is doing.

Someone might explain: “about eight months ago, my husband told me that our marriage was no longer working for him. However, we have a young son who adores his father. So my husband said that he wasn’t going to make any drastic moves until after my son’s birthday because he knew that the adjustment was going to be hard on our child. I believed what my husband was telling me and for the months leading up to my son’s birthday, I was very depressed. And I really didn’t put any effort into our marriage because I wondered what was the point. Well, a few weeks ago, my husband feel at work and injured his arm. So he has had to depend on me to help him with day to day activities. This seems to have brought us closer together. And since I’ve been helping him, he hasn’t mentioned anything about our marriage or about leaving even though my son’s birthday has passed. The other day he actually said: ‘six months ago, I would not even have wanted to accept help from you. But now I’m glad I am. Maybe my getting hurt was somehow a blessing.’ Since he’s said this, I’ve been thinking. My husband has made no attempt to move out. So now I’m starting to wonder if he has been bluffing me all along. Maybe he was just trying to get me to be the sort of wife he wants – the one who waits on him. If this is the case, then it frankly makes me very angry. That means that he was doing nothing more than manipulating me. I’m tempted to say something about this to him. But, I worry that if I do, he may leave to show me that he was serious all along. And I really do not want for him to leave.”

Why Paying Attention Is Almost Never A Mistake: It’s normal to worry if he’s only saying the words that you are hearing because he’s trying to get a certain response and behavior out of you. And many wives will watch and wait rather than having a conversation about this because no one wants to rock the boat.  And, because they doubt his sincerity, they don’t make any real changes in their marriage. But I have to tell you, I don’t think that it’s ever a good idea to ignore your spouse’s concerns, especially when they involve potentially separating or leaving.

My husband never threatened to leave me, but he was honest about the things that weren’t making him happy. I thought that he was just being overly picky. I would make an effort for a short period of time and then resort back to my old ways, especially if he’d stopped complaining. But this ended up being a serious mistake because he eventually left. We eventually separated. And there were times when a reconciliation seemed almost impossible.

I’m not telling you that it’s impossible for a spouse to try to scare the other into a certain behavior or action. But even if this is what is happening, that’s serious enough. Because if this is true, it’s possible that he will go ahead and leave or move forward when he doesn’t get the reaction that he is looking for.

I know that this makes you feel manipulated which in turn makes you angry. But strip away the anger for just a second and what do you have? A spouse who is so upset about the status quo that he’s willing to do just about anything to change it. If you were to erase his methods, you’re still left with an unhappy spouse. Isn’t that worth your attention?

In order to address this, I would start by thinking back to all of the complaints that lead up to this. Do any of them have any validity? Are any of them things that you can change fairly easily? Would any of them make you happier also?

Change Can Take Work And That Is OK: People often assume that good marriages are easy. There’s an assumption that if you are with the right person, then all you have to do is be yourself and the two of you should never have any conflict. This is rarely the case. People who are very compatible and who love each other very much have to work at their marriages. They have to compromise. They have to change some of their behaviors that are causing problems. This doesn’t mean that the two of you don’t love each other or that your marriage is doomed.

It simply means that you are an adult who cares enough about your spouse to make small adjustments that might make both of you happier. Honestly, I can’t possibly guess as to whether or not your spouse is bluffing. But the point that I would make here is that this shouldn’t matter as much as the fact that he’s unhappy enough to do something as drastic as bluffing or manipulating.

It’s much better to pay attention to what you can improve rather than placing your focus on his methods. Regardless, he’s trying to tell you something. And if you are still invested in your marriage, it makes sense to listen.

I wish that I had listened to my own husband.  Getting him back after our separation was a very long and painful process until I made some very real shifts in my thinking. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated and you want your spouse back so badly that it hurts, there is almost nothing worse than knowing that your actions are annoying your spouse so that you are making things worse. People sometimes assume that the person who is trying too hard doesn’t know that their behavior is doing more harm than good. Very often, we do know. But we are so scared of the outcome that sometimes, we just can’t stop ourselves. We see the look on his face or hear the tension in his voice. But we are scared to back away because it’s our marriage that we are talking about. And we take that very seriously.

A wife might say: “I know that I am bugging my husband too much while we are separated. I know that I am making a mistake. But last week, he was sick. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being all alone. So I made him some soup and brought it over. He was clearly very annoyed that I did this. I called the next day to see if he was feeling any better. He angrily told me that the whole idea of taking a break was to do just that – to actually have a break. I know this in my mind, but I guess my heart just isn’t listening. I’m scared to leave him alone. Because I feel like once I do, he is going to move on. I know I have to change. But I just do not know how.”

Boy, am I aware of this feeling because I had it myself. I was a complete pest during my separation but I honestly felt that because I had good intentions, I should be cut some slack. The thing is, your spouse often doesn’t care about your intentions. It is only your actions that he is worried about.

Mind Games To Force Yourself To Back Off From Trying Too Hard During Your Separation: I can remember holding my phone and literally playing serious mind games with myself. I’d make a deal with myself that I wouldn’t text for two hours. I would set the timer. I would tell myself that I was just dealing with that tiny amount of time. After the two hours were up, I’d start all over.  I got into the habit of asking myself if what I was about to attempt with my husband was going to make the situation better or worse.  If my honest answer was that I was about to make things worse, then I knew that I shouldn’t do it.  Because every time I made things worse, I had to work that much harder to even get back to neutral.

Another thing that I would do is to play out the scenario in my mind and picture my husband’s angry face if I bothered him yet again when he had already lost patience with me. In other words, I’d say something like this to myself: “so let’s say you give in and you text him yet again. How do you think he’s going to look when he gets that text?” I could picture my husband’s frustrated face very vividly and this helped me to stop.

Sometimes You Have To Force Some Distance: After a while, I realized that this some of my mind games were a little silly  because I was still just sitting around my house.  So I forced myself to get out of the house and go out with friends. That made the time go by much faster. Eventually, I got comfortable with that and I even went on a trip to my old hometown without my husband because I found that busying myself by seeing people close to me made things much easier. Once I saw that my husband respond favorably to this, then the whole process was sort of a no brainer. I was getting positive feedback so it was a relief to know that if I just held off, it might all be worth it.

Stay As Genuinely Busy As Is Possible: Since you’re not at the point where you’re getting positive feedback, the next step is to keep yourself busy. You know yourself better than anyone else. So what can you do that makes time just melt away? For me, that is working out, doing yoga, reading, or doing crafts. I jumped back into these hobbies with a vengeance during my separation.  It makes sense to fall back on the things I already knew would provide some comfort.

I will admit that at first, it was difficult. I would read a whole page of a novel and then realize I didn’t remember or process anything that I was reading. But I just kept at it.

See The True Risk Of Not Backing Off: Of course, the whole problem with all of this is that letting go, even for just a little while, feels like a risk. The worry is that when you are not monitoring him, he’s going to take full advantage of his freedom and start to move away from you. I admit that this was the scariest part for me. But I knew that logically, the bigger risk was to keep going as I was – making him frustrated with me on a daily basis – so much so that he’d started to avoid me. Luckily, I was able to see that the new strategy of backing away worked much better and so I was able to literally see the benefits.

I know it’s hard to stop the cycle that you are in. But play whatever mind games that you have to play in the beginning. It will get easier if you start to see results. But in the beginning, it’s a leap of faith. Make the tasks that you are trying to avoid hard to carry out. For example, I knew that my friends would call me out if they saw me texting my husband. So it just made sense to spend a lot of time with them so that I wouldn’t be as tempted.

I know that this seems daunting, but every single journey begins with one step. Sometimes, taking that first step is the hardest part.  But once you see that this first step yields results, it is easier to begin walking.  If it helps, you can read about how I walked my way into the path that saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you don’t want a divorce but you suspect or know that your spouse does, then you are always on the lookout for any indication that he is just posturing or trying to get a reaction out of you. Many will think that this sort of seeking is really just seeing what you want to see, but quite honestly it is not uncommon for one spouse to mention a divorce (or even file for one) with no real intention of following the through. Because these are basically just threats meant to get your attention.

But, how do you know if your spouse is just putting on a show or if he really and truly wants a divorce? Here’s a common question related to this. A wife might say: “my husband actually filed for divorce about six months ago. However, he has not progressed to anything beyond the initial filing. Nothing has happened with the case. And he never mentions the divorce. If I ask about it, he tells me that he will get around to it eventually. Some of my friends say that he doesn’t act like a man who really wants a divorce. He still keeps in touch with me. He will sometimes see something on TV or read something that he thinks I am interested in and he will call me about it. He actually told me that the other day was the anniversary of the day that we first met. I don’t dare tell him that he’s not acting like a typical man who wants a divorce. Because I don’t want him to take a hard stance and stop being nice to me. But part of me is afraid that I’m seeing something that isn’t there because I want to. Part of me knows that my husband is a kind person who hates conflict. So even if we divorce, he’s going to want to be on good terms. That’s just the kind of man he is. What are some signs that a man doesn’t want a divorce?”

I’ll go over what I think are some of the signs below. But first, I have to agree with the friend that many of the signs that this wife was seeing aren’t typical of the type of behavior that I see from people who want a quick and sure divorce. This doesn’t mean that this husband doesn’t, but his behavior doesn’t appear to be typical. Here are some signs that you might see when a man isn’t completely sure that he wants a divorce and instead may be wanting a reaction or a change in behavior from you.

He Is Making No Effort To Move The Divorce Forward: I am certainly not an attorney. And I don’t pretend to know anything about the divorce process as far as the legalities are concerned. But typically, divorces follow a linear process and the attorney handling one will help their client move on to the next step each time. If you’re not seeing any progress, it could be that your husband is consciously holding off. Of course, he could have an attorney whose attention is focused on another case. This is only speculation. But many divorces move forward at least in a pattern that you can see over time.

He Makes No Effort To Get A Sense Of Separation: I’m not talking about your living arrangements here. I’m talking about separating emotionally. Typically, when people anticipate that they will soon be divorced and therefore single, they start distancing themselves from their spouse. They may even distance themselves from their spouse’s family and friends as the future doesn’t include them anymore. You will often also see them separating themselves financially. They often do not talk about the future and they don’t reach out to the woman who will soon be their ex wife.

The Subtle Difference Between Remaining On Good Terms And Remaining In A Relationship: I am very aware that many people who anticipate a divorce make every effort to remain friendly with their spouse. When I was facing a divorce, I was adamant about this myself. Because staying on good terms is just beneficial to everyone. And many people do this. But wanting to maintain a cordial but distant relationship (so that you can move on) is different than caring enough to reference your relationship, to hang onto romantic memories, and to want to spend time bonding with your spouse.

It’s actually very common for people to have second thoughts about a divorce after they have filed. They often file in anger or on impulse. But once reality hits and you have to face the realization that you have set into motion events that might mean you won’t be married to your spouse anymore, then you will often rethink your actions.

Of course, in time, things may become more clear. Your husband might make romantic overtures toward you or he may come clean about his true feelings. My inclination here is to be patient. You don’t want to apply pressure and cause him to move forward with the divorce just to get a resolution or to keep you from continuing to question him.

As long as things are good before you, I don’t see any harm in just following this path and seeing it through. In my opinion, there is no down side in maintaining a positive relationship, especially if it leads to a reconciliation.

I admit that part of my “maintaining a good relationship stance” was meant to be the starting point to a reconciliation.  But I was never the one who wanted the separation or the divorce.  And when my husband stopped talking about the divorce, I was hopeful that he was starting to see things differently.  It turned out that I was right about this because we never divorced.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the spouses who contact me do so because they are afraid and they are not sure where else to turn.  They have fear that they are ultimately going to end up divorced and this is true whether they are in the middle of a lengthy separation or if they are only at the point where their spouse seems unhappy.  It’s just natural to assume the worst when you feel afraid.  Many of the people that I hear from assume that their spouse wants to divorce them even if he has never said this.

A wife might explain: “I can’t say that I am officially separated, but I feel like I am.  My family has been going through a very stressful time.  My husband lost his job at about the same time his father got really sick.  He stays with his father sometimes to help take care of him.  And during the course of those visits, his father started asking him to help with his business.  This made sense and we needed the money and my husband didn’t have a job anyway.  But this new schedule means that my husband is away from me more and more.  And we fight all of the time now.  It’s gotten to a point where I feel like there are times that he could come home but he doesn’t.  I honestly think that soon, he is going to ask me for a divorce.  We don’t ever talk anymore and I can’t remember the last time that we have had sex. It really stinks to have to sit here and not know what is going on with my husband.  I want badly to ask him if he wants a divorce or if he is going to divorce me.  But I don’t really want to know if the answer is yes and I don’t want to put that idea into his head if it’s not already there.”

I agree that I don’t think I’d risk putting the idea in his head. Plus, I think that there is another risk here which you may not have considered.  You’ve said that your husband is going through a stressful time and it appears that he might be struggling.  So he may see your asking about divorce when he’s not mentioned it as yet another stressor that you are willingly adding to his life.

With this said, you have a right to know what he may be thinking. But I believe that there are other ways to get that information that may have a more positive affect on your marriage.  I would suggest that instead of appearing to add to his stress, you make it appear that you want to help him lessen it.

For example, you might invite him over to dinner.  You might suggest that the two of you go out to a movie or something else that the two of you used to find pleasure in.  You might be surprised when he accepts your offer and the two of you have a good time. The key is to not add a lot of pressure to make things even worse.

Or, he may reject the offer and feel a little further away.  Whatever the result, you will have much more information than when you started.  And even if you don’t get the result that you wanted, this doesn’t mean that he automatically wants a divorce.  It just might mean that you both have some work to do in order to get things back on track.

Another option would be to try to get some marital help.  I know that money appears to be tight here.  But you can seek counseling from a pastor or trusted third party.  You can even try self help exercises on your own.  But doing nothing and hoping for positive results anyway are a gamble.  And one way to lessen the fear is to address it directly.  Give yourself the tools to be proactive and bring him closer rather than to do nothing and watch as he gets further and further away.

Trying to better your marriage has very little downside.  At worst, you won’t get the results that you wanted but at least you would have tried.  Actively trying to make your marriage better from a place of love and concern rarely makes things worse. I believe that using this strategy will give you a lot of information about whether or not your spouse is considering a divorce.  And you can get this information without forcing his hand and without putting this unsavory idea into his head.

Remember that even if he is unhappy, this doesn’t mean that there is nothing that you can do to fix it.  But it does mean that there is work to be done until you feel confidence that your marriage is back on track.

As I alluded to, I think there are better ways to go about this than directly mentioning a divorce.  I think it’s best not to direct the conversation where you do not want reality to go.  Since you want reality to include a better, stronger marriage, then this is where to direct your focus.  I wish I had done that myself.  Because when my husband and I were separated, I tended to assume the worst and focus on the negative and this delayed our reconciliation.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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