Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have become somewhat emotionally burned during their marital separation.  Therefore, they feel reluctance when they begin to feel any sort of hope.  Even when it appears that things are improving or turning around, we can sometimes have the urge to hold ourselves back, afraid that the second we turn toward positive emotions, we are going to regret it.

A wife might ask: “it has been so long since I’ve had anything positive to report where my separation is concerned.  Things have gone from bad to worse.   It has always seemed that we couldn’t communicate in a productive or positive way.  And so we started avoiding each other to keep from things turning ugly between us.  We went on like this for months.  And then one day, we had to meet because of an issue at one of our childrens’ school.  Both of us were angry about how the school handled an issue and we joined together to get the result that we wanted for our child.  This forced us to work together and we united.  We were forced to speak often. Although I regret that my child had issues at school, in terms of my separation, this was the best thing that happened to us.  Suddenly, we have found that we can communicate.  There has been laughter.  And some tears.  For the last three weeks, we have gone out together every Friday night.  There has even been some hand holding.  Part of me is walking on air. I am thrilled.  But another part of me remembers how bad things were between us and I know that things can change in the blink of an eye.  Some of my friends have been warning me not to get my hopes up.  I know that they are right.  But having no hope whatsoever brings me down.  It is hard enough being separated without getting to have expectations that things will hopefully get better.  How do I balance this?  I don’t want to get hurt.  But I don’t want to have a negative attitude either.”

I understand your dilemma.  I had the same one.  My husband avoided me for most of our separation.  And this was mostly my fault.  Because I was out of control and emotionally needy.  Being around me and talking to me made my husband feel guilty because I loved to try to emphasize how much I was struggling.

It took a while, but it eventually dawned on me that if I was going to have any chance of reconnecting with my husband, I was going to have to have a better attitude.  My change in attitude changed everything.  Because once I made this change, my husband was more receptive to me.  Eventually, we started to make some progress.

So I had a huge incentive to continue to be positive.  But I had to ask myself if my positive thinking needed to extend to my own brain and my own outlook.  After all, my husband had no way to read my mind.  Although I could present a positive attitude when he saw or talked to me, he had no way to know what I was really thinking internally.

And I knew that I was emotionally vulnerable.  I knew that if my husband suddenly changed again and began avoiding me, it was going to crush me. I went back and forth on this and drove myself crazy.  Here is what I finally came up with.  I was going to do my best to maintain my positive attitude even with my own thoughts.  Why? Because it made it easier for me to stay positive around my husband.  Because being negative at home and positive with him was just too difficult. Switching your attitude back and forth is just exhausting.  At least for me, it was better to try to stay upbeat as often as possible.

Does that mean that I never had doubts and fears?  Absolutely not.  I knew that there was actually probably a decent chance that we would hit a snag eventually.  I knew that being separated was a huge risk to my marriage.  I had to be realistic.  And I never allowed myself to just assume that we were going to reconcile.  I knew that it was possible that we wouldn’t.

But here is what I told myself (and my husband sometimes.)  I decided that I was going to give the relationship everything that I had simply because my husband was that important to me.   Even if the relationship wasn’t ultimately a reconciled marriage, I still wanted to be on good terms with him.  I wanted a healthy relationship with him regardless of how this relationship was characterized.  And in order for this to happen, I had to make sure that my thinking was positive.  I told myself that if our marriage was meant to be, then really, I just had to keep a good attitude, not do anything to thwart this, and get out of my own way.

Was this always easy? No, it wasn’t.  But what was the alternative?  Changing attitudes constantly?  For me at least, the better solution was just remaining positive in all areas, but being realistic and knowing that the outcome was not yet determined.

You have to accept the good with the bad.  But I think it’s beneficial for you to hope for the best and to have the best attitude that you can.  Yes, there will be times when you get down and have doubts.  But this doesn’t serve you.  It does no good.  So I have always found it best to try to pick yourself up when this happens.

There are no guarantees that a positive outlook and a hopeful attitude will lead to a reconciliation.  But I still think that it’s better than focusing on negativity, fear, and doubt.  Regardless of the outcome, having hope makes the process easier to handle, at least in my experience.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s natural to want to be friendly and accommodating if you are on a break or trial separation.  You feel like it makes sense to be on good terms with your spouse because this is going to allow you to work together and to hopefully get along well, despite the circumstances.  The hope is that this cohesiveness works better for your family and will hopefully allow you to eventually reconcile.

After this goes on for a while though, you can begin to feel taken advantage of.  It can begin to feel as you are the one doing all of the giving and all of the accommodating.  And you can start to wonder if maybe you are doing this all wrong and if you’re trying to accommodate him could actually be making it easier for him to distance himself from you.

Someone might say: “for the last three years, I have supported my husband while he has been in school.  This was not a decision that we rushed into.  My husband supported me while my children were small.  And now we are in a position where he can significantly increase his income with another degree.  However, he chose to attend a school that is quite a distance away.  So he commutes and this has taken a toll on our marriage.  He decided that he wanted to live on campus because the commute was making him more tired and creating more pressure.  And that was the beginning of our marriage falling apart. After a while, he decided that he wanted to separate, which hurt after all I have done for him.  Now, because he lives far away, I drive our children out to see him to spend time with their father.  Supposedly, he is so busy studying that coming to them would be  a significant hardship for him.  So I drag the kids to him and I will often bring dinner so that he doesn’t have to feed them.  But some of my friends are telling me that I am being ridiculous.  They say that I am making things way too easy on him.  They say that instead I should be making things hard on him to show him just how much being married to me is benefiting him.  My mom even went so far to say that I should tell him that I will no longer pay for the school so far away and I should insist that he transfer to the school closest to our home if I am going to be footing the bill.  My husband feels that our neighborhood school has an inferior program, but my mother says that this is just too bad for him.  I am torn.  I resent that I seem to be doing all of the accommodating. But I love him and I still very much want to make my marriage work.  And I want for him to finish school because that would benefit everyone.”

I can certainly see your thought process.  And it really stinks when you are the one who feels like you are jumping through hoops while he’s just taken a comfortable seat while he’s watching you doing it.

You Don’t Want To Push Too Far: That said, I think it makes sense to think a little more about uprooting him from school.  If he is thriving there and the program would help your family’s financial situation, then I am not sure that I would abruptly end that.

And stopping it as a strategy to force him to come home because of finances is, at least in my opinion, not the best idea – at least in terms of getting him home as the foundation for a successful reconciliation.  He will likely be resentful and he will have full knowledge that you were trying to manipulate him.  This doesn’t leave you with a good start your new lives together and it doesn’t give you a head start on saving your marriage.

But There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Reasonable: I do not see anything wrong with letting him come pick up and feed his own children.  He is the one who chose to separate, so it makes sense that he must deal with the inconvenience that this is going to bring about.  I think that your bringing his children to him and feeding everyone is a nice gesture, but one that isn’t necessary.  He’s an adult.  He is their father.  He can come and get his own children and then feed and entertain them.

Again, this is only my opinion.  In my own experience, it is best to try to keep the relationship as positive as is possible during your separation.  This ensures that you have access to your spouse and it helps you to make progress.  However, with that said, you don’t want to be a door mat.  You don’t want him to think that you have nothing better to do than to make his life easier.  You have your own life.  You have your own goals.  And while I think it is wonderful that you are supporting his career goals, I don’t think that you have to also worry about his parenting life too.  He’s more than capable of doing that. And you can use that time to do something nice for yourself.

I will admit that I was over accommodating to my own husband during our separation and I honestly think that it lowered my value to him.  He took me for granted. Once I changed this up, he saw me differently, which was a positive thing at the time. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Laid-back is probably the last phrase that I would use to describe myself during my own separation. No, I wasn’t laid back at all. In fact, I was uptight, full of anxiety, and unable to stop myself from constantly fretting about the future. I intellectually knew that all of this wasn’t helping me or the separation any, but at that time, I didn’t have any decent control over my emotions.

And I know that I am not the only person who has ever experienced this. I hear from a lot of wives who may normally be quite relaxed in other areas of their lives, but who have a difficult time not clinging too tightly when it comes to their separations. As a result, we often have people offer us unsolicited advice which suggest that we just sit back and watch how things unfold.

Even our own husbands sometimes ask that we do this. A wife once told me that her husband indicated that what they really needed to do was to take a “wait and see attitude about the whole thing.” I’m paraphrasing her, but she recounted something like this: “I will admit that I am all up in arms over what my husband is doing and thinking during the separation. I admit that I like to keep tabs on him and that when we are together, I am full of questions. My husband says I can ask a question several different ways better than any journalist he knows. The other day, I was asking him for about the millionth time what he thought would be happening in our marriage six months from now, and his response to me was: ‘have you ever considered just taking a wait and see attitude? Because neither of us can possibly say or predict what is going to happen.’ He says that by being so anxious all of the time, I make it more likely that we will not have a good result. And he wants me to take a step back and agree to just wait and see. I sort of take offense to this. We are not talking about something like the stock market where I’d be willing to wait and see. We’re talking about a family and a marriage. And I feel that it is very irresponsible to take just a laid back attitude about it. Don’t most separated couples do a lot of work during their separations like go to counseling? I think his idea is crazy and even if I agreed with it, I don’t know how I would ever carry it out.”

What Is Ideal: I believe that the ideal is that couples roll up their sleeves and get down to work during their separation. And helping facilitate this with counseling can be incredibly helpful, can save you time, and can keep you from making mistakes.

However, it’s my experience that although wives who know that they want to save their marriages are more often more than willing to go to counseling, husbands who aren’t sure how they feel about their marriage (or their separation) usually are not willing to go – at least very enthusiastically.

What Is Realistic: While I think it’s great and best if you can BOTH work on your marriage TOGETHER during your separation, I also know that it isn’t always possible. Because the husband (or the spouse who initiated the separation) isn’t always willing to participate in this.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t or can’t work on things yourself? No, absolutely not. In fact, I encourage you to work on yourself and to consider changes you can make that relate to your marriage during the separation. And, there is no reason that you need to announce this to your spouse if you think he will object. You should have plenty of time on your hands to do this without him looking over your shoulder.

The Perception Versus The Reality: As far as the “wait and see” stance, often people will suggest this when they are trying to get you to back away a little bit or they are getting tired of the constant questions. They figure if they can get you to agree to “wait and see” then you will no longer demand answers or ask for information on his mind set or feelings. None of this means that he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t think that you will reconcile.

So, if you think this is a bit selfish of him and you don’t agree, does this mean that you need to take a wait and see attitude when you really don’t want that? No, but I would suggest adjusting what you are doing.

My thinking on this evolved out of necessity. The thing is, if your husband is suggesting that you not hold on so tightly, he’s giving you very important information and he is potentially giving you a somewhat immediate request. I have seen wives ignore this request and then find themselves faced with a husband who is avoiding them.

So, it makes sense to pay attention and adjust accordingly. This might mean that you watch how many questions you ask. This might mean that you present yourself as a little more laid back, at least when you are with him.

Frankly, if this is what it takes for him to feel more comfortable when you’re together, then OK, you can do that. And he doesn’t have to know what you are thinking or hoping or feeling when you are alone. He doesn’t have to know that you are actively working on yourself and examining what might be going on with your marriage when you’re alone. If that is the price to pay for his cooperation, then so be it.

So while I don’t think that you have to agree to “wait and see” in your own heart, I don’t think there’s any harm in toning it down a little for his benefit. I would never tell you that “wait and see” means that you stop hoping, stop working, and stop growing. It just means that you’re applying less pressure so that you can still have access as you can continue making progress.

Although I did change my strategy toward my husband when I was trying to reconcile during our separation, I really didn’t change my own feelings, hopes, and internal thought process.  Sure, what I was doing LOOKED different but no one but me knew what I was hoping and planning all along. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s just human nature to try to explain away or even negate bad news. When our worst fears are on the verge of coming true, some of us will try very hard to deny its existence. Take for example when your spouse starts talking or hinting about a separation. Some people will worry and not really do anything – hoping that it is just a false alarm. Others will take immediate action to try and save their marriages. And yet others will hope that their spouse is only trying to scare them.

A common concern would be something like: “last week, my husband told me that he was considering separating from me. I didn’t react to this immediately. Because I thought I knew what was going on. All throughout our relationship, our engagement, and even our marriage, my husband was always extremely insecure. He has always said that I do not make him feel completely loved. He says that he always feels that he is so lucky to be with me, but that I never tell him that I feel lucky to be with him. In truth, this annoys me a lot about my husband. I almost feel as if he’s an insecure toddler that needs constant reassurance and I’m just not the type of person to play these types of games. If I didn’t want to be with my husband, then I wouldn’t have married him. If I wasn’t happy now, then I wouldn’t stay. So the whole ‘I want to separate’ thing just feels very desperate to me. It sounds like a ploy to get me to fall all over myself and beg him not to leave me just so his insecurities will be addressed. I know that I should play along, but I don’t want to. Is it possible that he is just talking about a separation to scare me?”

Anything is possible. But I have to be honest. And I hope that you won’t take this the wrong way. It is my belief that any time that your spouse talks about being unhappy, or separating, or wanting to renegotiate your marriage, then it makes sense to pay careful attention. I tell you this from experience but also from drawing on the experiences of people who have reached out to me. When my own husband started expressing his unhappiness, I didn’t pay enough attention because I was going through a very busy and crazy time in other areas of my life. This turned out to be a huge mistake because my inability and unwillingness to listen and to actually do anything lead to a separation. This has been the case of many people who tell me their stories.

I wish that I had asked myself much would it really would have cost me to pay attention. Yes, I was busy. But this was my marriage that we were talking about. And once my husband moved out, I had to devote so much more time to getting him back than I would have needed to devote to paying attention in the first place. I hear this over and over again. It is so much easier to do and give a little when the problem first presents itself – than it is to try and clean up the mess later.

Here’s a dialog that you might consider to give you a better idea of what you are dealing with. You might consider saying something like: “I’m very sorry to hear you say that. Obviously, there must be something making you unhappy for you to take this very drastic step. Is there anything that would change your mind? Because separating is a very drastic step that not every marriage recovers from. I’d rather you stay and allow us to attempt to address whatever is bothering you. If we try our best and we’re still not successful, I could see reevaluating the situation then. But it seems very early in the game for one of us to leave. Will you share with me what might make you delay this?”

With any luck, he will spell out exactly what he needs to say. If it doesn’t seem fair to you, then that is when you attempt to negotiate so that every one is comfortable and enthusiastic. But think about it. Isn’t negotiating and trying to come up with a workable plan so much better than trying to get the train back on the rails once he moves out and it careens off the track? And just showing him a little more affection and appreciation is very doable. And that certainly beats facing life alone as a separated woman.

Of course, you have to ask yourself if your marriage is still important to you. I know that it gets old to hear the same old complaints. And this fatigue can sometimes cause you to do things that you might later regret. But, if you can address the complaint and erase it once and for all, that sure beats having to give up your marriage – especially when this problem is a relatively small one.

I hear from so many folks whose spouses have already left them. They would give nearly anything to be given this chance. And they would consider this a small price to pay for their spouse not to leave. Sometimes, it’s not until you are on this side of the fence looking in that you get this perspective. But being on this side of this fence is really no fun. And I would avoid it if I could.

I would encourage you to learn from my mistakes.  A separation is not any fun.  It makes sense to try to avoid it if you can.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are people who go through a marital separation or a divorce who will tell you that they never saw it coming.  They will insist that they were generally in a happy marriage where they were able to manage any conflict that presented itself.

Others will admit that even though they never thought that they would end up separated or in jeopardy of losing their marriage, they have to say that they saw the signs of trouble long before the actual separation happened.  And one of the most common things that they will talk about is a withholding of affection.

Someone might explain: “if you had told me three years ago that I would be separated today, I probably would not have believed you.  But if you had told me two months ago, I would have completely believed you because my marriage has deteriorated so much in the last few months. I have noticed that my husband is almost careful not to show me any affection at all.  In the early days of our marriage, he used to almost always have his hands on me.  He would rest his hand at my back.  He would touch my hair.  He would hold my hand. Today, it is as if I have a contagious disease or something. He never touches me or shows me any affection at all.  Sometimes, I will get tired of this and I will crave affection from him.  So I will try to hug him and hold his hand.  And he will literally pull away.  Last week I asked him if he still loved me and although he danced around the topic, he never gave me a straight answer.  It is not as though we’ve gotten in a huge fight or anything.  We have slowly grown apart.  About a year ago, he asked me to lose some weight.  I admit that I have gained an alarming amount of weight and I would like to lose it eventually.  But I haven’t really started working out or dieting because I am juggling a million other things.  Part of me thinks that this might be why he’s withholding affection.  I worry about what this means for our marriage.  I could continue to live this way if I had to.  I would rather just live with it than to end up divorced.  But my fear is that my husband will decide he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore and will leave me.  Because I can already feel him pulling away.  Am I being paranoid?”

Withholding Affection Can Be Serious: I absolutely do not think that you are being paranoid.  I was in a similar situation and I tried to tell myself that I was just seeing things and so I sort of ignored the problem.  This was a big mistake.  I ended up almost divorced and most definitely separated.

So I would never encourage anyone to just ignore a huge problem in your marriage in the hopes that it will go away.  The most effective way to move past this is to admit it and then to address it.  Sure, all marriages cool down at times.  But a spouse that is obviously withholding affection is troubling.

Putting It On The Table: I’d suggest that you need to figure out exactly why your husband is not being affectionate.  You could try asking once more, being careful not to sound accusatory or desperate.  An example would be something like: “please don’t take this the wrong way.  But lately, I have noticed that you don’t want to touch me and that you pull back when I try to touch you.  I do not want you to think that I am blaming or complaining.  I just want to fix any problems because our marriage is the most important thing to me.  Can you share with me why you might be backing away?”

Hopefully, he will be forthcoming.  If he still talks in riddles or once again won’t directly answer you, then you have a couple of choices.  You could ask him to go to counseling to explore the issue.  Because much of the time, when a person gets around to withholding affection, it is the combination of many things that have been at play for a while and a counselor can help you figure out where the resentments and problems really are.

Strategies You Might Try: If he refuses, then you could try different strategies to see if any of them improve the situation. Because you already have some theories as to why he’s pulling away.  And it may not be that your weight is a turnoff.  It might be that you promised him that you were going to try to do something and you did not follow up.  So he feels mislead and let down.

I think just showing him that you’re making a reasonable effort might pay off.  Allow him to see you making healthy choices and doing simple things like walking after dinner.  I know that you are busy.  Everyone is.  But I think that you never go wrong when you make your marriage and yourself a priority.

And you never want your spouse to think that what is important to him is not important to you and vice verse. You’ll need to keep track of your efforts and see which one brings about the best response from him.  When you notice that something is working, continue to do it until you see the affection returning.

Most often, people withhold affection when they believe that you have let them down or not held up your end of the bargain in some way.  If you can figure out where this is true and fix it, then you may well find the affection returning.

It’s crucial that you pay attention when you still have a chance to fix things.  I didn’t. I just hoped that things would get better.  This almost cost me my marriage.  You can read about how I eventually turned things around at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who are trying to craft a plan to get their separated husband to return back home.  Most people will try to be straightforward with positive tactics, at least in the beginning of the process.  The hope is that the two spouses can reconnect and then reconcile in a healthy way.

This is truly the ideal.  You want for the separation to inspire the marriage to heal – so that it ultimately becomes better than the marriage that you started with.  This doesn’t always seem possible, though. Sometimes, the spouse who wanted the separation in the first place is resistant and cold.

Understandably, in response to this, many wives tell themselves that, if necessary, they will use any tactic to get their separated husband to come back – including tactics which they would have found too risky before.  Someone might admit: “if you would have told me that I would be trying to get my husband’s pity and guilt to get him to come back to me, I never would have believed you.  I have never been one of those wives who believes that it is OK to use the kids to get to my husband.  But I am not sure what else I am supposed to do.  My husband left two weeks ago, and he never wants to see me or take my calls.  Ideally, we would date and then start to rebuild our marriage.  But he doesn’t seem open to this at all.  So now I’m left with trying to show him how much this separation is costing us all.  I want him to know that his children are struggling and that we are all going to be poor because of this.  Some of my friends tell me that this is the wrong way to go about it.  But I believe that appealing to his guilt is my best chance.  Why do separated men ultimately come back?  Can they come back out of guilt?”

They sometimes do.  But I have to tell you that they do not always stay when you use tactics based on fear, guilt, or pity.  These strategies are generally only a short term solution, at best.  In the following article, I’ll tell you what I see as common reasons as to why spouses come home.  I will break them up into positive and negative strategies.  The negative strategies may seem to be effective at first glance, but they generally do not last and have the risk of making things worse in the long term.

Negative Strategies Often Used For Getting A Separated Spouse Back

Money:  One very common reason that separated spouses reluctantly come back is that they slowly begin to realize just how much a divorce or supporting two households is going to cost them.  Some wives will help this along by spending as much as they can to show their husband how costly this whole process is.

I understand why this strategy is tempting, but it is also very risky.  What happens if he gets a raise or a windfall?  If he is only with you because of the money, then as soon as his financial situation improves, there is nothing keeping him there.  And if you don’t fix your issues, he may decide that he would rather have less money but more freedom.

Guilt Over The Children Or Regret At Not Owning Up To His Responsibilities: This is a very common strategy.  People who have children will make sure that their separated husband knows how sad the kids are and how awful it is going to be for them to grow up in a single parent home.

While I completely agree that staying together is ideal for children, I also know that if you use your kids as a bargaining chip, you may end up regretting this eventually.  A man who is only with you because you are the mother of his child is likely to leave once he feels that the children are old enough to handle it.  And he may resent you, even if he stays. This doesn’t create the ideal environment for the kids either. There are better ways to get the same result, in my opinion.

His Experience Of Living On His Own Wasn’t Positive So He Falls Back To What He Already Knows:  Sometimes, a man thinks that living on his own is going to be a fun adventure – until he finds out that he’s lonely and has to do everything for himself.  Then he may quickly change his tune when he realizes that life was just easier when he had a spouse. Although you may feel triumphant when this happens, it really is not a clean victory.  He will feel badly about himself and his heart may not be truly in any reconciliation.  He’s only there because his experiment failed, not because he really wants to be.

Positive Reasons That Separated Husbands Come Home

Here are more positive things that you can try.  I know that they can take longer to achieve.  But in my experience, they give you a better chance to save your marriage.

Your Spouse Genuinely Misses You And Feels A Void:  This happens more often than many people suspect, although it sometimes takes longer than we would like.  Sometimes, being away from you gives your spouse a different perspective on your marriage.  It gives him objectivity and he may come to realize that he actually had a pretty good thing going, but he made the mistake of not realizing it at the time.

Your Spouse Decides To Work A Little Harder At Saving Your Marriage:  Sometimes, separations give people objectivity that they didn’t have before.  Sometimes we see problems, and our parts in them, a little differently.  When this happens, spouses can come back to the negotiating table, vowing to not be quite as stubborn this time.  This is a GREAT start, but it’s only a start.  You have to be willing to take the next step and really fix what was wrong.

You’ve Worked Really Hard To Address Your Issues, Giving You Both Confidence That It Can Work:  This is the ideal.  If you can find a great counselor or self help resource that allows you to identify the biggest issues that damage your marriage and then fix them, you will have a situation in which both people are eager and happy to stay in your marriage.  This scenario has the best chance of long term success because it has removed the issues that were damaging the marriage over and over again.  You feel more connected and content, and because of this, you are more willing to maintain what you’ve built.

I know that this strategy seems like the hardest of all those listed.  But choosing this one means that you don’t have to always worry that your husband isn’t with you for the right reasons and that he may leave again at any time.

Believe me, if I had thought that any of the negative strategies would have worked, I would have tried them.  As I was, I hounded my husband during my own separation and then he started to avoid me. I lucked into a more positive strategy, that thankfully, started to work.  There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated and desperately want to reconcile, you want to have hope whenever you see encouraging behavior on the part of your spouse. So every time he calls or sees you and things go well, it’s natural to hope that this means that you are well on your way to a reconciliation. But often, your hopes and feelings are so delicate that as soon as there is one comment or event that you don’t understand or that doesn’t go your way, then you can begin to wonder if you are seeing reality only through the veil of hope. And this is when you can begin to fear that you are being strung along.

A wife might explain: “I did everything wrong in the beginning of my separation. I called several times per day and picked fights. It wasn’t until my husband threatened to cut me out of his life completely that I stopped. For the past five weeks, things have vastly improved. He has started coming over regularly. We watch movies, cuddle, and laugh. Last weekend, he asked me if I wanted to sleep over at his place, but I unfortunately couldn’t say yes because I live quite a distance from him and there was no one to let out my pets. They couldn’t go overnight without being let out to use the bathroom so I had to leave late at night for that reason. Lately though, I’ve been asking my husband to come to our home for an overnight stay or a weekend. His answer is that he is just not ready for that. This confuses me. It is OK for me to stay overnight with him but he won’t come back home to spend the night with me? I suppose he sees my staying at his place as us sleeping together while he sees him coming back home as potentially reconciling. I can only speculate that he is not ready to make that jump. But this hurts and confuses me. He talks about our future sometimes. He has asked me to go on a family trip with his parents and this gives me hope. But then I start to second guess everything and I wonder if he only asked because he knows that his mother loves me and he just wants to hold up appearances. And that’s when I start to wonder if he is just stringing me along. Maybe he likes having me around for a good time and to help to boost his ego but he has no intention of reconciling with me. What if he is just stringing me along?”

I can understand why you fear this. I think every wife in this situation has these doubts. I had them. But, you have to ask yourself if these thoughts are serving you or are just making things worse.

Why You Should Focus On The Progress Instead Of The Immediate Future: Think about it this way. If you follow that line of thinking and you decide that he is only stringing you along, then you might be tempted to start to pressure him or you might back away from fear of being hurt. Are either of these things going to bring you any closer to your goal of a reconciliation? Probably not. In fact, they would likely take you further away from your goal.

But what if you faced your fears and looked instead at how far you have come and how much progress you have made? You’ve gone from him being frustrated with and angry at you to him being very willing to see you for extended periods of time while he is talking about the future.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, but plenty of separated wives would be absolutely thrilled with this scenario. Plus, you’ve already set it up where you have additional opportunities for bonding in the future. You have the family trip to look forward to – where hopefully you will be able to make even more progress.

Why It’s Vital Not To Let Your Fears Cause You To Rush It: The point I’m trying to make is that short of him blurting out that he’d like to come home immediately, your situation is about as good as it could possibly be. You have overcome his reservations. You are seeing him regularly and have future plans. And he is showing you affection on a regular basis.

Now, I know that you would like to feel more secure about your situation. I know that you would like more reassurance from him. But quite honestly, to me, the best course of action would be to keep right on doing what you are doing. And continue to have patience.

I know from experience that I am asking a lot. Once my husband started giving me positive feedback and our relationship started to heat up again, it took everything in my power not to come right and beg him to come home. But I knew that this was a risk. And considering how long it took me to get to the point that I was at, it was a risk I didn’t want to take.

I know it might be hard to see right now, but it appears that you’ve found your grove and are making real progress. My suggestion would be to stay the course. I see too many people doing the right things but then they can not resist pressuring their husbands once they set that progress. And most of them end up regretting this because he either begins to avoid them or he accuses them of not giving him his space.

This was my thought process when I resisted pushing my own husband too hard. I didn’t want to have him avoiding me again. And this turned out to be the right call. Because when he moved back in – he was the one who asked to do it. And that gave me the confidence that this was what he truly wanted. If it helps, you can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It hurts to hear your spouse keep harping about one personality trait that is just as natural to you as breathing. And when the criticism gets so bad that your spouse is threatening to leave, then the whole thing can feel like a personal attack. This is especially true if you have never felt that the trait was that offensive or as bad as he is saying.

I’ve heard from wives who say things like: “my husband and I have very different personalities. He’s very soft spoken and shy. If I didn’t love him so much, I might think that he is a weak push over. If we go out to eat and he is brought the wrong food and it is not cooked properly, he won’t say anything. He will just pout and eat it. He very rarely stands up for himself. When he tries to express himself, he will water down what he is trying to say as to not offend anyone and, a lot of the time, he’s not a very effective communicator because of this. I am exactly the opposite. If you do something that I don’t like, then you are going to know it because I’m going to tell you. People do tell me that I am direct or abrupt. But I don’t believe that I am mean. I take after my father who was very matter of fact. My husband is more like my mother who is very meek. The other day, we were at a parent / teacher conference and we got on the topic of some behavior issues with my child. I did not like the way that the teacher was talking about my child and I let her know this. Things did not go well and the teacher and I ended up raising our voices and exchanging insults which made my daughter cry. On the way home, my husband said that he couldn’t take anymore of my ‘rude personality’ and that he was considering leaving me because of it. He says that I never pass up an opportunity to be loud and to draw attention to myself. I think that I am just being direct and honest. And I think he overreacts to my personality because he himself is so meek. Still, I love him and I don’t want a divorce or separation. What can I do?”

I’m certainly no expert, but I think that the wife could potentially be right in her suspicion that her husband was reacting so strongly to her personality because it was the exact opposite of his. Sometimes, we react strongly to personality traits because we know that they are lacking in us or they remind us of our own short comings in some way. So I think that the wife was definitely valid in some of her thinking.

Take A Hard And Honest Look To Determine If There’s Any Validity In What He’s Saying: However, with this said, if this is something that bothers your husband enough that he is willing to leave you over this (and potentially break up your family,) then it makes sense to pay attention. You have to ask yourself if there is some validity in his concerns. And since this wife admitted that other people had described her as direct or abrasive, then there may be something in what he is claiming. It certainly doesn’t help to try to take an honest look at the situation and see if there is anywhere that you could tone it down.

You Can Keep Your Core Personality While You Tone It Down: This might take some doing because this wife was brought up in a household that demonstrated the exact same dynamic as she is living right now – a direct partner who says exactly what they are thinking and a more submissive partner who keeps quiet. So, the wife’s personality likely felt very natural to her. And it may well have served her well. But, the truth is, you can still keep the core of your personality and tone it down so that you still get your point across in a way that isn’t as frustrating to the people around you.

People are often under the assumption that you can not change who you are. While I agree that we all have our core personalities, I am living proof that you can tone it down. I grew up with a mother who was overly emotional – so much so that most people describe my mother as a drama queen. Because I grew up watching this, I can be this way also. However, high emotion and overreaction drives my husband crazy.

A good therapist pointed out that my tendency to always jump to the worst case scenario and to become so emotional about it that I made every one around me miserable wasn’t serving me. This hit the mark with me and inspired real change. Do I still feel very deep emotions? Yes, I absolutely do. But I express them in other ways now.  I now avoid always thinking out loud and allowing other people to be affected.

I believe that this type of shift was possible for this wife also. I believe that it was absolutely possible for her to learn to be direct without coming off as abrupt or abrasive. Because sometimes, it is not what you say, it is the tone and the body language that you are using when you say it. And these modifications can be learned.

An Important Conversation: You might want to address this with your husband. Because if he knows that you are willing to try to make some changes, he may not be as quick to voice the threats to leave. You might say something like: “it hurts me to hear you say that you’d consider leaving me. I admit that I came on strong with the teacher. And I regret the reaction that our child had. I would never want to hurt her. I was voicing my concerns with the teacher to try to avoid our child being treated unfairly and it backfired. My intentions were good. But my methods were wrong. I don’t want to hurt my family. I am serious about toning it down. I am going to need your help to do it. I’m going to make every effort to change my tone and my body language so that I don’t come off as rude. But I need your help. If you see me going too far, redirect me. I grew up watching my father and so I emulate what I saw. But I want to change. And I believe I can do that with your help.”

Your husband may well be shocked to hear this coming from you. But he can hopefully tell that you are sincere and that is half the battle. And hopefully once he sees the effort, he will back off of the talk of leaving you. You also want to look to see if there are any triggers in your life or in your marriage that bring about the behavior. Because until you can remove those things, it’s going to be more difficult to stop.

I know this first hand. Although I admit that I am my mother’s daughter and can be overly emotional, my husband often pushed my buttons, which made things worse.  After our separation, we both had to learn to do better.  If it helps, you can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, there is often a big rush to get your spouse back home when you are separated. It would be extremely rare for me to hear someone say that they actually enjoyed their separation, especially if they never wanted it to begin with. No, living alone and apart during the separation feels very weird and lonely to most people. Dealing with the fear and the uncertainty as to what is going to happen with your marriage and your family is very taxing and scary. So, it’s understandable that most people want to get this over with as soon as is possible.

Someone might ask: “When are you supposed to move back in after a separation? We’ve been separated for nearly six months. We didn’t even talk for the first two months. I was so angry at him for some of the things that he did during our marriage. We started talking again at about the three month mark, and we very slowly got to the point where we are now – where we can spend periods of time together enjoying one another’s company. I want to ask my husband to move back in but his sister – who is also one of my best friends – is telling me that it is too soon. I know that she is concerned about me. But I don’t want to hear this. Six months is long enough to be without my husband and to be living alone. How long before you are supposed to move back in when you are separated?”

Understandable Doubts About Moving Back In Too Soon After A Separation: I know how you feel. When I was separated, all I could think about were schemes to get my husband to move back home. My situation was a little different though because he was the one who initiated the separation. And I was the one doing everything in my power to change things.

I admit that every time my husband and I seemed to make even the tiniest bit of progress, I would fantasize about him coming back home. There were even times when I would have the words on my lips. But I would always chicken out for a couple of reasons. First, I always was scared he would say no. And for good reason. It took us a while to make progress. And in the beginning, even when we would make progress, it was fragile.

Second, I was extremely scared that as soon as he moved back home, the same issues that always plagued us were going to crop up. I knew how hard it was to make things better in that state. And I knew that if he moved back in and it didn’t work, then I was likely looking at a divorce. So I didn’t want to chance it.

Because of my fears and doubts, I actually waited for him to broach the topic. And I believe that this was vital. Because I honestly think that if we had rushed it, we may not have made it. And we may not be married today as a result.

A Compromise That Just May Make Waiting To Have Him Move Home More Bearable:  I know that you want him home.  I know that the idea of spending more time alone seems utterly unbearable.  But why not have a gradual build up to this?  Why not have him increasingly spend more time at home without adding the pressure of announcing that he has officially moved back in.  Many people start out with weekends and then they increase the time until they’re adding in holidays and special occasions.  Before you know it, he’s practically living with you and anyway and you don’t need to put so much pressure on him.  A big advantage of this hybrid model is that if things go sour, he can go back to his place for a couple of days and you can regroup.  You’re not having the trauma of him moving back out again.  You can simply take a break and start fresh when you are able to.  This limits your risk, which can be very important.

The Ideal Time To Move Back In: So my answer to the question of when to move back in is when you are absolutely sure that the major issues have been ironed out so you know that you are going to be able to not only get along, but to thrive. That is why I always suggest that couples ease into this. If you only see each other for hours at a time, then it is a risk to move back in together immediately. That’s why I think it’s better to try out some weekends, holidays and then a week or two together first. Because spending weekends together will give you a test run before you attempt to move back in full time.

Remind Yourself Of The Risks Of Rushing: I know that you probably wanted me to say that moving back in immediately would probably be fine. But honestly, I’ve seen too many couples fail to encourage this for everyone. And when you move back in and you fail, then where is there? You’ve already separated, so the next step would be a divorce.

That’s why it’s so important to get it right the first time. That’s why it’s so vital to make sure that the timing works and that you are sure everything has been ironed out and that both people truly want it equally. I’ve always felt that you will both almost know when the time is right because you are full of enthusiasm and free of fears and doubts. If you are still having the doubts enough that you are asking the question, then perhaps you have just a little more work to do. And there is nothing at all wrong with that. I know that it may feel like you’re crawling along when you want to run, but sometimes, slow and steady wins the race.

I was desperate for my husband to move back in, but looking back now, waiting was very beneficial.  Because by the time he did move back on, we had hit our groove and were in a good place and it felt very natural, which removed much of the pressure.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: After you have been separated for a little while, it often becomes clear that your conversations, behaviors, and attitudes can have a huge impact on what happens with your spouse. And sometimes, you can see the outcome of these things almost immediately. After a while, this can cause you to think before you act – especially if sometimes the things you do or say seem to make things worse. This process of editing yourself can often keep you on the good side of your spouse, but it can also sometimes make you second guess yourself a little – especially when it comes to the subject of calling and other forms of communication.

A wife might be missing her separated husband desperately and she may feel that calling him might alleviate some of her pain. So she reaches for the phone. But before she can make that call, she stops herself. Because she worries that it may anger or annoy her husband. And she worries that it might just be too much.

She might explain: “it’s pretty sad that I almost feel as if I can’t call my own husband. We have been separated for about three and a half weeks. My husband wanted some time to think about things. At first, I called him several times per day, but he eventually told me that it was too much. He said that he understood my need to call, but that he felt as if I were trying to keep tabs on him by calling so much. So I have toned it down and I’ve been limiting my calls to once or twice per day. And I’ve already had my two calls for the day, but now as I’m getting ready for bed, I find myself missing him very much. I considered just quickly calling him to tell him, but I am scared he’ll start to think I’m doing too much again. Should I call him? I think that it’s pitiful that I can’t just pick up the phone if I feel like it.”

I know this feeling. And I agree that it can be a little depressing. But always being mindful of not making things worse is very important while you are separated. I understand that sometimes you just need to hear his voice. But it’s important to strike a balance. Because I know first hand that sometimes when you do too much for too long, your husband can start to avoid you or refuse to take your calls. When this happens, it is hard to gain the ground that you have lost.

Knowing How To Read The Situation: Of course, you have to kind of feel your way. Sometimes, it will be obvious that things are going well between you. So, it’s pretty obvious that if you call, then that call is going to be well received. And sometimes, it obvious that things aren’t so great and a cool down period is needed. At least this was the case in my own separation. There were up periods and down periods and I had to learn to read them. Because almost always, the best things to do during a down period when my husband wasn’t very receptive to me was to back away. But during up periods, I could push a little harder because this was the time when I was able to make a little progress.

You have to be careful and you have to watch very closely so that if you misread something or see a hesitation on the part of your husband, then you can immediately adjust. Only you would know where you are in your separation and you would be the best person to speculate as to how your call might be received.

Letting Him Take The Lead At Times And Distracting Yourself If You Need To: My rule of thumb was to try to let my husband call me sometimes. And then if I felt an overwhelming need to call, I’d ask myself if it was going to make tomorrow better or worse. When I didn’t have an answer or when the need to call was just too great, I’d first try to distract myself or to journal to buy time before I acted. This usually worked and I would find that the need would diminish.

The few times that it didn’t, I would text instead of call. A text can be answered at the other’s persons convenience and it’s not as much of an interruption. That way, if your husband doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t have to. And if he’s busy, you haven’t really interrupted him too badly.

Sometimes, when I’d text, he would then call me and I would be able to talk to him with much less risk. Other times, it would be clear that he didn’t want to communicate and I would back off and then try to let him call me the next time. As you can likely tell, it takes some finesse and some constant evaluation.

I suppose the short answer is that if it were me, I’d probably feel safe in calling if I absolutely knew (from previous behavior) that my call would be well received. If I had doubts or if I knew that my actions were only coming because I felt lonely and vulnerable, then I would try very hard not to act out of these feelings and I’d try hard to distract myself. If this didn’t work, I’d settle on a text and then go from there.

I know that it feels so foreign to have to think before you call.  But it’s better to hesitate than to call, have it go badly, and then regret it.  At least that was the case with me.  I learned that it was better to err on the side of doing too little than doing too much.   You can read more about my struggles on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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