Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I like to think that very few people enthusiastically go into their divorce. Many see it as a last resort, and after they feel like they’ve tried several things to make improvements. Still, they worry that they are going to take this step and have tons of regret. Many wonder if there are any signs that might tell them that regret might be on the horizon.

Someone might say: “about a week ago, I made the decision to divorce my spouse. Since that time, several family members and close friends have asked me if I have thought this through. Many have gone so far as to suggest that I am going to regret it. This really gets to me because I have no way to know if they are going to be right. I think that they are reacting in the way that they are because my husband is truly a nice person and good man. We have just grown apart and I feel like we gravitate to different life styles and different goals. He is content to just get by in life and I have very high standards. My mom has straight up told me that I am being too picky and that one day I will regret throwing away a perfectly good husband because I was being impossible to please. Are these people right? What signs can I look for to tell me I might regret it?”

To an extent, I believe that most people at least partially regret the divorce – in the sense that it was an important relationship that failed. That is always disappointing and that is likely to contribute to some regret. But I find that some people’s regret goes beyond this.  Some people regret not only the divorce but the choice to proceed with it.

And others very clearly can look back and see that the divorce was the best thing that they could have done. What is the difference? It’s my belief that the folks who are relieved by the divorce are very clear that being married was harmful to them. They were likely in an abusive relationship and attempts at rehabilitation have failed. I am a big advocate of saving marriages – but I draw the line when someone is being hurt in a harmful relationship that hasn’t shown any signs of improvement. When someone is abusing or hurting you, and they just do not or will not change, then sometimes its best to think of yourself and to remove yourself from the situation. Some people separate and then see if their spouse will change. If he doesn’t, then divorce is just logical when you are being hurt.

Fortunately, this is not the case for many people. They are not in an abusive marriage, they are just not as happy as they want to be. Their marriage isn’t hurting them. It just isn’t making them happy. In these cases, I find that there is more likely to be regret. Because you know in your heart that your spouse is a good and loving person and yet, you just can’t make it work. Here are some signs that I believe might indicate that regret could be on the horizon.

You Feel Empathy For Your Spouse Because You Know That This Isn’t Entirely Fair To Them: In many cases, the divorcing spouse feels badly about this even before the divorce is final. They often aren’t quite sure why they are feeling badly, but they find themselves worrying about their spouse’s happiness and quality of life in the future. They worry whether their spouse is going to be OK. These feelings often come because you know your spouse isn’t in the wrong here. You know that your spouse hasn’t done anything heinous or awful. Your actions are coming because you weren’t satisfied and this isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault.

You Wonder Who Your Spouse Is Going To End Up With And What Their Future Might Look Like: I find that a lot of spouses initiating a divorce will tend to look into not only their future, but their spouse’s future. They wonder if their spouse will remarry and what type of person the new spouse will be. Many admit that they hope their spouse lands on their feet with a “good person.” The thing is, if you are having these thoughts, it means that you still care and are least somewhat invested in your spouse. And investment can mean regret.

Guilt: Guilt is one of the prevalent feelings of people initiating a divorce. And this emotion comes when you know that the actions that you are about to take are going to cause pain. But it can also come because you may know in your heart that you have stopped short of doing everything that you can to save your marriage. If you haven’t yet tried counseling or seeing if you can view your spouse with fresh eyes, there may be guilt because you’re worried that you’re acting too dramatically or swiftly. Again, it comes down to the fact that you may know in your heart that you’re letting a perfectly good spouse go over the promise of a future that might never come.

Of course, you can never really know how you are going to feel until you actually step into the future. But I honestly believe that if you are researching if you will regret your divorce, that’s a pretty good indicator that this is bothering you enough that there’s a good chance that you might. Regret doesn’t always mean that the decision can’t work. It just means that you may have some suspicion that you didn’t do enough or are acting too harshly.

I honestly believe that one of the things that made my husband consider a reconciliation was ultimately that he had fear that he would regret a divorce.  I’m very grateful for this because I know without any doubt that I would have regretted it.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common topics that I get asked about is how to read or interpret “mixed signals” from a separated spouse. Even when you’re trying very hard to be open and to “go with the flow” as far as your separated spouse is concerned, it can be difficult when you both get frustrated with the crossed signals.

Someone might explain: “I am so confused as to what my separated husband wants from me. He left and said he needed space. So I decided that I had no choice but to give him what he wants. I thought that meant to wait to hear from him and to let him call me instead of my constantly calling him. As hard as it was, I vowed not to bug him. Well, I found out through mutual friends that my husband got a promotion. I know that he has been waiting and hoping for this for quite a while. So I expected him to call me. When he finally did, I could tell that he was angry. I asked why he was upset and he said: ‘It hurts me that my own wife didn’t call me about the promotion she knows I’ve been wanting.’ I told him that I was just respecting his request for space. We went back and forth about this and agreed to meet for coffee. Things went fine until it was time to leave. I gave my husband a squeeze on the shoulder and he commented: ‘my own wife doesn’t kiss me in parting.’ I corrected him and said that I was his separated wife. He just looked unhappy and left. I am very confused. I thought I was giving him what he asked for. We are separated and yet he gives me the impression that I am supposed to act like a normal spouse with him, even though he told me that he wanted space. I have no idea what he wants from me. And now I’m worried that he is angry and that this will hurt our chance to reconcile. How do I determine what he truly wants?”

Getting On The Same Page When Your Lines Are Crossed: This type of misunderstanding is one of the land mines of being separated. I’ve experienced it myself and know countless others who have experienced it. Tensions are high during a separation. And, because you don’t see each other as often, communication suffers. No one wants to be the person who puts themselves out there only to be rejected. So people understandably tend to be reluctant to ask the hard (but obvious) questions.

My husband and I got our signals crossed countless times during our separation and it led to many hurt feelings. I think that the best way to find out more about what your husband wants is to attempt to ask him. But you have to be careful about how you do this. You don’t want to make things worse by insinuating that he’s misleading you. Instead, you want to pave the way for things to be better.

A Conversation To Define Expectations: I’d suggest trying a conversation like: “honey, if you have a minute, I’d like to talk about our last conversation. I don’t mean to be insensitive. I was happy about your promotion and I was waiting for you to take the lead because I thought you wanted for me to give you space. I truly wanted to call the second I heard about your promotion. To avoid this in the future, I think that the two of us need to define what we want and expect from each other. Because maybe we have different assumptions about what a separation means. Can we decide how much we’ll talk, what type of physical affection we will share, and how our new relationship is going to look? I know that it’s hard to define these things, but I think that we should try. Because the last thing that we need is for us to get upset with one another over something that is truly a misunderstanding. My ultimate goal is for us to reconcile eventually. So I don’t want for misunderstandings to keep popping up.”

Hopefully, this will pave the way to an open conversation about what each of you expects. It’s very important that you are on the same page. I encourage couples to define and clarify as much as they can. How often will you see each other? Speak to each other? What do you want from one another?

I know that this seems very specific, but the more specific you can get, the less chance that either of you will misread the behavior of the other. Plus, if you make these distinctions early on, neither of you are left wondering what certain behaviors mean.

I went through a lot of torment waiting for my husband to call me when it would have been so much better to attempt to agree on a communication schedule. The whole “go with the flow” theory of a separation sounds good in theory, but it invites misunderstandings and hurt feelings in reality.

Sure, I realize that when your spouse doesn’t know what he wants and is hot and cold to you, then you often have no choice than to go with the flow. But try to find opportunities where you can agree ahead of time. And ask for gentle clarification as you are able to.

I wish I followed my own advice during my own separation.  My husband and I drifted further and further apart because of misunderstandings  You can read more about how I changed the way I approached our separation (which eventually lead to reconciliation) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are in the middle of a separation that you never wanted in the first place, it can be tempting to want to remind your spouse that they are still married to someone who still loves them very much. I know first hand that there can be a real worry that if they are outside of your presence, they will begin to forget what they loved about you. Or they will find that the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” is actually true.

So it may be your normal inclination to tell your separated spouse that you love them every time you talk with or see them. And this is absolutely fine – so long as you are getting an enthusiastic response in reply. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

A wife might say: “I know that it sounds desperate and needy. But I can not help it. Every time I talk to my separated husband, I tell him that I love him right before we hang up. I have done this for all the years that I have known him and old habits die hard. At the beginning of our separation, this seemed OK. But the last couple of times, I’ve noticed that he has hesitated before he gives a response. Last night, he didn’t say anything in response. I don’t mean to be dense. Obviously, he probably thinks that I am doing something wrong or he doesn’t want to hear me tell him that I love him during the separation. But not saying it feels like a lie. It feels like playing games or holding back. Am I supposed to pretend that I don’t love him? Because I find that ridiculous. I do love him. And it seems silly to me that I am not supposed to say it every day in the same way that I have for many years. Do I have to stop?”

That is really up to you. I would never tell someone what to do during their marriage or during their separation. I can tell you what came to be my opinion as the result of a similar situation that I was in. But, I know that all situations are different. So I can’t say that what worked for me will work for you.

But, during my own separation, it eventually became very clear that my husband was not receptive to me acting in the same way that I did while we were still happily married. When I tried to act as if we were any other married couple or that nothing was wrong, he would act distant or he would start to avoid me. If I pushed, it would get even worse and I would have to work very hard to even get him to take my calls.  Frankly, there were times when I could almost literally feel him wince when I told him I loved him.

As hard as it was to accept, I started to realize that if I didn’t change some things, I might be making this situation a whole lot worse. So I made a conscious decision to back off some. Did this mean I didn’t love my husband? No, if anything, I loved him just as much if not more. But I knew that if I was going to have a chance to maintain that love, I was going to have to find the strategy that brought him closer to me rather than pushing further away.

And when I tried to push my love on to him, this definitely made him pull further away. So, I toned down my demonstrations and declarations of love. I told myself that this was only temporary, but it was difficult. Still, I knew what was most important was my long term goal and not my declarations of love in the moment.

My backing off did eventually make things better because it eventually made my husband more receptive to me again. And his being receptive to me meant that we got to spend more time together – which never would have happened if I had continued on with my pushing.

I can’t tell you what will work in your own situation. I can only suggest that if you notice something not working, then it sometimes makes sense to test out something else – if only once. Perhaps next time you talk to your husband and it is time to sign off, you might try something like: “tonight, I’m not going to insist that I love you, even though I do. I sense that it makes you uncomfortable. But I didn’t want you to think that I was angry or anything. I’m just trying to respect your wishes and not push.”

At this point, your husband could reassure you that the loving phrases are fine. Or, he may not say anything – in which case his silence speaks volumes. If you do decide to back off and you find that the next time you talk, he seems more comfortable, then you may speculate that backing off a little has helped.

I know that it might seem weird and almost dishonest to hold back with your own spouse. But a separation can be a very fragile time in a relationship – especially when one spouse has asked for space or isn’t sure what he wants. It become my opinion that if backing off a little is what it took for my husband to eventually be available to me, I was willing to pay that price at the time. Because I knew that it was part of a long-term strategy that was going to mean that I wouldn’t have to hold back once we reconciled.

Today, I tell him that I love him all of the time, so holding off was worth it to me. And I believe it helped. But every situation is different. In some situations, both spouses are perfectly comfortable with still saying they love one another. And that’s wonderful.  But it was not my reality.  Still, if every one is happy, then I don’t see any reason to hold back.

It is only when saying I love you is causing discomfort or awkwardness that you might consider a temporary change – just until things improve. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It is an awful feeling when you are separated and your spouse cuts off all communication with you. This is especially true if you want to save your marriage. Sometimes, the spouse pursuing the separation will promise that it’s only going to be a temporary thing with communication throughout. But once the separation actually happens, the story changes. He doesn’t take or answer your calls and he seems to be avoiding you. That’s why it can feel like such a huge victory when he finally starts to communicate again. This shift in stance can create a lot of confusion and questions, though.

A wife might say: “we have been separated for nearly eleven weeks. I think my husband probably tricked me into this. Because he promised that he only needed a short amount of time alone and then insinuated that we would see each other often. No sooner was he out the door than I could no longer get ahold of him no matter what method I tried. This went on for weeks. The other day, out of the blue, he called me. And he admitted that he missed me. And we had a nice conversation. Now, we talk somewhat regularly, although it is not as much as I’d like. I’m getting very hopeful that he’s going to come back because we’re communicating again, but my mom says I am getting way ahead of myself. Am I? Is it a reasonable assumption that when you start communicating with your separated spouse that he’s going to come home?”

From experience, I think that this is a reasonable hope. I do not know if I would call it a reasonable expectation (at least not quite yet) and here is why. Communication is great. It is a reason to feel very hopeful. But it is only the very beginning. When you’re separated and you’ve just started to communicate after a period of silence, then your relationship is at a point where it’s extremely fragile.

Sometimes, You Don’t See A Straight Line To A Reconciliation: It’s normal to see very hopeful periods followed by cooling down periods as the spouse who initiated the separation feels a bit of confusion as to what he wants. So one day he may be almost loving and the next day he might pull away again. This is all normal. And it’s not always a bad sign. But it will often mean that there is not a straight line between the time the communication resumes to the time when he comes home again.

You Have Every Right To Be Hopeful, But Be Cautious Of Being Overzealous: I am not saying that a quick reconciliation is impossible and I would never discourage you from hoping for this. But, I would caution you to not let this hope cause you to be overzealous in your approach. One of the things that I see often are wives understandably becoming so excited when they finally get the communication that they’ve wanted. Because of this excitement, they think that it is only a matter of time before he comes home and they make this expectation obvious to their husbands. Their excitement is on full display for all t0 see.

But when you have a husband who isn’t sure what he wants, this enthusiasm can scare him. He can begin to think that maybe he was mistaken for reaching out to you because although he may want to reconcile eventually and maybe even soon, he’s not looking to move back home tomorrow. He often wants to move toward this gradually so that the two of you can have the luxury of evaluating your progress and seeing what you still need to work on.

Understanding The Risk Of A Pace That Is Too Fast: This quicker pace can cause your husband to back away and to slow or stop the communication. So you go from being thrilled and excited to being disappointed and wondering what you have done wrong.

To avoid this, it’s best to take things somewhat slowly. Of course you hope this means that he’s coming home, but you don’t have to make it obvious. Instead, look at it as if things are definitely improving and are hopeful about the future.  You want to build on this so that you can experience even more improvements – with every one of them bringing him even one stop closer to being home.

I know you’re tired of him being gone and you want him back home yesterday. But trust me when I say that it’s an awful feeling to have all of your progress negated because you acted too soon or pushed too hard. And once this happens, it’s hard to get that rapport back because your husband is on his guard. He’s thinking that every nice thing he says or does is going to make you believe his return home is imminent.

Embrace Your Wonderful Start And Continue To Build: I’d suggest enjoying the conversation and continuing on with it. It’s a great start. It’s very encouraging. But it is a start. And how you react today may dictate the outcome tomorrow. Which is why I’d suggest that you don’t push and you don’t make assumptions that haven’t been shown to be true quite yet. To be sure, you have every reason to feel encouraged and happy. Follow that path just a little longer without any pressure so that you don’t have to take a step backward.

Unfortunately, I say this from experience.  During my own separation, I got overly excited quite a few times, only to have my hopes dashed and only to have to start over.  I finally learned that it was best to take it slowly and this gradual pace is what made a reconciliation possible. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you ask your separated husband how he is feeling during your separation, you’re often hoping for phrases like: “lonely,” “depressed,” or “confused.”

So when instead you get a response like “liberated,” it not only hurts, it’s very confusing as well. It can make you wonder if it’s even going to be possible to save your marriage when your husband seems to be enjoying the separation.

Someone might ask: “to be honest, I am the one who brought up the idea of a separation. Although looking back, I think that what I really wanted was for my husband to tell me that not only did he not want a separation, but that he loved me and that he was going to rise to the occasion to work things out. I never thought that he would actually go through with it and I certainly never thought that he would enjoy it, but he has. The first clue that something was wrong was that he stopped calling me as often. And when we did talk, he never seemed to have time to really talk for a longer period of time. Finally, I asked him how he liked the separated life. I was hoping he would say that he didn’t like it very much at all. But his response was ‘it’s so liberating.’ I was shocked and I asked him to elaborate. And he said that it’s easier to be happier in life when he only has to worry about one person. He says he feels a sense of freedom knowing that he doesn’t have to walk on egg shells anymore. This hurts me. I never anticipated that he would enjoy the separation. I want to say something to change his mind, but I don’t know what. How do I address this?”

Be Careful Of Desperate Responses: Admittedly, this is a tricky one. Because many of the responses that seem logical here might sound desperate. Options like: “well it must be nice to have no responsibilities,” or “I hope that you don’t mean that because I am devastated and want you to want our marriage again,” sound either sarcastic or born out of desperation. So they may not get the result that you want and may even make things worse.

Know That He May Have Specific Motivations For Portraying Himself In This Way Before I get to a suggestion as to what you could say to open a positive dialog, I want to suggest that your husband could have other motivations in telling you that he feels liberated, other than just innocently trying to share his feelings. He may want you to think that he’s doing great because he is hurt that you pushed for a separation. Because he is feeling a little rejected, he may think that you deserve to feel a little negatively also.

People aren’t always honest about their experience during the separation. There were certainly times in my own separation where I wanted my husband to think that I was doing much better than I actually was. I don’t consider myself a dishonest person, but sometimes, there is a little strategy involved.

I am not saying that you should not take your spouse at face value or that you should automatically assume that he is not being truthful. I’m just telling you that sometimes, not everything a separated spouse says is going to be completely accurate, even if it is not their intention to lie.

Opening The Door To A Positive Conversation: Back to possible conversations to have about this. Know that one option is saying nothing at all and just waiting to see if things are going to change. Sometimes, your spouse just needs time to miss you and nothing is going to short-change this other than to just give it more time.  So you want to be careful about opening a door if you really don’t need to.

If you do that and don’t see results or for some reason you don’t want to wait, then I would try a conversation that doesn’t sound judgmental or desperate. A suggestion might be: “well I admit that this wasn’t what I was hoping or expecting to hear. But I can see where a break from the drama and tension might feel like a relief. I can understand that. But in the days to come, the way that we feel may change. I’d like to ask you to be open and honest with me. My hope is that we keep communicating and keep being honest. Because my ultimate goal is for us to improve our marriage during the separation and not to damage it. Can we commit to regularly communicating? I won’t try to make you feel guilty or bad. I just want to stay in touch.”

Then listen for his response. He may keep up with the whole liberated stance, but don’t panic. Things change. My separated husband wouldn’t even take my calls at first, but we ended up reconciling in the end. Sometimes, you have to settle for gradual progress. And sometimes, when things look bleak, you have to realize that tomorrow may be a new day. You can read more about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who are separated but who have just had sex with their separated spouse.  Sometimes, these folks are a little panicked – because they think that they’ve done something wrong or that they have put the reconciliation in jeopardy.  Frankly, having sex during your trial or martial separation is quite common.  But even if it goes well, it can bring about questions and worries.  And, if it doesn’t go well – or if the sex is bad – then the worry and anxiety can rise to new and hurtful levels.

A woman might say: “I never ruled out the idea of having sex with my husband during our separation.  In fact, if I’m being honest, I was sort of hoping for it.  Because I believe that one reason that my husband wanted a separation is because he’s not sure of his attraction to me anymore.  He hasn’t come out and said that.  He hasn’t really given me any concrete reason for wanting a separation, but I just notice that he no longer looks at me with longing or pays me compliments. Often, when he looks at me, he has a frown on his face.  So I was hoping that if we had sex during our separation, it would be wonderful and he would approach with me with lust.  Well, we did have sex.  But pretty much only because I offered it up to him and he hesitated, but then agreed.  He didn’t seem all that enthusiastic. And the whole thing was weird and awkward.   Afterward, it was like he could not wait to leave.  Now I wish I’d never come onto him.  Because now I feel like I have gotten confirmation of my worst fear. I worry that he’s not attracted to me and he won’t ever be again.  I worry that this is confirmation that the spark is gone.  I worry that this means that we can’t reconcile.  Am I right?”

It’s very difficult for me to predict this, as I don’t know the situation.  But I do know that we sometimes see things as worse than they actually are.  And I do know that it’s quite common to have disastrous sexual encounters with your separated spouse.  It makes sense if you think about it.  Neither of you are sure what the other is thinking.  Neither of you are sure what the sex is going to mean.  So you’re nervous.  You’re self conscious.  You’re awkward and fumbling all over the place.  This is not a situation that is conducive to good sex.  And that is why I often discourage the sex until you know that you’re going to reconcile – or already have.  Rushing tends to confuse things.  And sometimes, the result of it is so awkward that it makes spouses who were making real progress avoid one another or discount the progress that they have made.

With that said, none of this means that you won’t or can’t reconcile.  It likely just means that the uncertainty of the situation showed itself in your sexual encounter.  And it may mean that you have to back up a little bit and stay away from sexual overtures for a bit.  But I think that it can be a mistake to assume that you don’t have any sexual chemistry (and won’t) or that your husband won’t ever be attracted to you again.  Or that he isn’t now.

It is very important to not let this one encounter dictate the course of your separation moving forward.  The sex happened.  And it was weird because separations make things weird.  But nothing says you can’t recover and move forward.  Try to back away from this for a while and focus on other things.  Try to keep things casual and light between you and your spouse until the awkwardness starts to fade a little.

I’d like to make one final point. I’d like to suggest that you consider working on your confidence as best as you can.  I can understand why your confidence is wavering.  I went through this also, as do many separated spouses.  But confidence is very important right now.  Frankly, having confidence is very sexy.  But being apologetic about the experience is not.  You don’t want to go into it thinking that you are not attractive enough or that you don’t have anything to offer.  You don’t want to project these feelings onto the way your husband sees you.  Remind yourself that you are still the woman he fell in love with and if there is anything that you can or should do to feel good about yourself right now, then my all means do it.

Confidence is quite important for both good sex and for a reconciliation.   And if it was lacking before, the awkward sex might make it even worse. So I’d suggest aggressively focusing on regaining your confidence and sense of self.  And give yourself a little time with the sex part.  Honestly, it would be more surprising to me if it wasn’t a little awkward considering how much uncertainty and insecurities trial separations can bring out in both partners.  And I don’t feel that it needs to dictate your path going forward.

I always felt that my separation was just too fragile to introduce sex into the equation.  I was so afraid to mess things up.  Despite my best efforts, I messed up plenty, but I did try to keep sex separate.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:   Our society has a nasty phrase for women who like to feel in control of their lives and their relationships  –  “control freak.”  I think that this is somewhat unfair.  Men who don’t like surprises and who like to ensure quality and safety are called “careful” or “astute.”  But women who have the same qualities are called controlling.  This phrase often applies to mothers and wives.  It has become a catch phrase in our society.  And it is not embraced.  Men whose wives are thought to be controlling are pitied – whether his wife deserves this title or not.  And eventually, this perception might become so intense that the same man might decide that he is better off alone.

This can leave the wife (who probably only thought she was being helpful) at a loss.  Many of these women don’t find themselves overly controlling.  And when their husband insists that they are, it can feel like a real slap in the face. Many wonder if they are even capable of changing their behavior, but they want to try for the sake of their marriage.

Someone might describe this situation: “My husband has been staying at a hotel by his office for about ten days.  Last night, he told me that he doesn’t plan to come home any time soon.  He says that the reason for this is that he is unhappy being married to me because I am simply too controlling.  He says he feels like a child who never grew up being married to me.  He says that I attempt to control everything about him – how he dresses, what he eats, how he relates to his friends, his job, and our marriage.  He says that I have almost taken away his free will and he doesn’t even feel at peace in his own home.  At first, I was angry at his words.  I felt as if he were insulting me.  Then, I talked to my mom about this and she very gently told me that she can see why my husband feels the way that he does.  She says that I can be a control freak.  She says that sometimes, this is to my benefit.  But when I am dealing with other people, it is not.  I see what she is saying and I would like to change.  I am not sure how effective it will be because this is just honestly part of my personality and it always has been.  But I am willing to try anything.  The problem is that my husband isn’t really receptive because he doesn’t believe that I will even make the attempt, much less be successful.  How can I get him to give me that chance?”

I’ll answer that question in a bit.  But before I do, I want to discuss why you might be a little controlling and why you need to stop.  I think that this may help you to understand your mind set and motivations.  And please know that I say this with all sorts of love because I am absolutely a control freak.  But I had to tone it down because it was seriously damaging my marriage.

Your Motivations When You Are Too Controlling:  Here is what is so very unfortunate.  People perceive that you are controlling because you are mean, self-centered, or abrasive.  I believe that nothing could be further from the truth.  I can only speak for myself, but my own inclination to control is motivated by love and a wish to protect.

I can honestly say that my biggest fear is anything happening to those I love.  My life’s goal is to keep those who are important to me out of harm’s way.  To that end, I worry as much as I attempt to control.  And I think that, to a certain extent, the wish to control is an attempt to quiet the worry.  We think that if we have some ability to control those we love, we can keep them out of harm’s way, we can ensure that they have a better life, and we can help them to avoid mistakes that might be painful.  It is all done in love.  We are not doing it to punish them.  We truly think that we are doing it to help them.

How The People That We Love Perceive This And How It Actually Hurts Them:  Although we know that our attempt to control is really intended to be loving, our loved – ones may not always understand this.  The adults in our lives will think that we don’t respect them enough to believe that they can take care of their own lives. Or they will feel that we are a sort of bully or micro-manager. They may feel that we don’t see them as competent enough to handle their own issues.  And they may mourn that lack of freedom.

What We Need To Accept:  Here is the bottom line that I came to learn.  Controlling doesn’t keep those that we love from pain.  Worry doesn’t insulate any of us from life’s hardships.  It just means that we can’t fully enjoy the moment. We can not control what happens, no matter how much we might like to.  We can make reasonable and loving efforts to keep our family safe, happy, and mistake-free.  But beyond that, we just have to love them and hope for the best.  And we have to believe that they are good, smart, and sensible people who can take care of themselves.  Because if we don’t allow them that right, they will resent us.  And our hand-holding will almost cripple them.  And because of this, we may get the very thing we’ve been trying to avoid all along – the destruction of our family.

How To Convince Him That You Can Change:  This is probably the trickiest part of the whole thing.  Because if you try and change his mind by insisting that you will change, then you’re being controlling again – you are taking away his free will.  Ironically, I believe that you almost have to step back from this situation.  Because otherwise, how does he begin to believe in your sincerity?

I think you may try a response like: “I respect what you are saying.  I hear you.  I accept that this is something that I need to work on and change.  However, I can’t expect for you to believe that I am going to change just because I tell you that I am.  I would love the opportunity to show you, but you have to be the one to make that decision.  I can promise that if you did, you would not regret it.  I was sincerely acting out of love, but I now realize that it was too much and it came off as disrespectful.  I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.  All I can do is hope you give me a chance to show you that I am sincere and I respect that you can handle things yourself.”

Then, in the coming days and weeks, you have to continue to exhibit this accepting behavior.  You have to back up what you say.  This is difficult. Old habits are hard to break.  But you have to watch your behaviors and when you are tempted to control, ask yourself if your husband, an adult, is capable of making this decision on his own.  The vast majority of the time, the answer is yes.  You married this man because you found him intelligent and more than capable, right?  So you have to live that.  You have to accept that he is capable of managing his own life and your marriage.  And you have to show him this through your actions.

Believe me, I understand where you are coming from.  I have to tame my inclination to control all of the time.  But it is necessary because it was one behavior that lead to the destruction of my marriage.  Do you know what I learned?  That there’s freedom in just letting go.   There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband first announces that he intends to move out, you sometimes think that maybe he is just blowing off steam. You hope that he is just posturing and that perhaps you can talk him out of it.

When you are seemingly not able to change his mind, it is tempting to panic. Many of us feel that we absolutely can not let our husbands cross the threshold or doorway to our home with suitcase in hand.

So many of us have known couples who divorced after one of them moved out. It just seems that most of the time, moving out is the precursor to a divorce.

So yes, there is real and understandable fear there. No one wants to allow their spouse to do something that may well end your marriage. So there can be a real panic to come up with a plan that keeps him from walking out the door.

Here’s a common scenario: “my husband told me about two weeks ago that he was moving out. I was alarmed right away. My husband is not typically the kind of person who makes empty promises. Normally, if he says that he is going to do something, he does it. But in this case, he did not act right away. I expected to see him scouring ads for an apartment. He didn’t do that right away. He was very quiet and seemed to doubt that he had made the right decision. I started to feel hope that he would not go through with it. But a couple of days ago, he started packing bags. I asked him what he was doing and his response was that he was moving out. I commented that I hadn’t noticed him apartment hunting, and he said that he had done that at work. I told him that I did not want him to go. He said that he had thought about it a lot and that he truly believes that this is the best path to take. Now, I am panicked. I worry that he will never come back once he leaves. Some of my friends say that I am overreacting. They say that he may miss me and that him moving out doesn’t automatically mean that we will divorce. Is this true? Is it possible that he may eventually move back in? Or must you stop him from ever moving out in the first place?”

The answer to these questions depends upon the situation. However, my husband did move out, and we did not divorce. I believe that there were times where we were definitely on the brink of divorce. But I managed to turn things around. Certainly, one spouse moving out is a risk.

And we have all known couples who end up divorcing once one of them moves out. This absolutely does happen. And it does make sense to try to get him to rethink all of this, which leads me to my next point.

Carefully Encouraging Him To Change His Mind: You have to be very careful when you attempt to get him to stay. Sometimes, if you take it too far or you come across as too desperate, then he can not get out fast enough. If you handle it incorrectly, you can actually make him more motivated to leave.

So I think that instead of acting desperate or arguing, you want to propose compromises. You might ask him to take a weekend away rather than moving out, or you might offer to sleep on the couch or give him space.

If Your Compromises Don’t Work And He Is Determined To Move Out: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you are going to find that he is determined not to change his mind. In this case, it is tempting to stand in his way when he tries to leave or to make a great big scene.

This rarely works and it often makes things worse. My take on this is that if you have to do something that hurts your cause to make him stay, then you are better off focusing on maintaining a positive relationship with him and letting him go, at least momentarily. But this is only one person’s opinion. The idea is to get him home as soon as possible. But you will have a hard time doing that if you damage the relationship trying to get him to stay.

If he does go, you want to try very hard to agree on a schedule to communicate and to check in. The ideal thing would be to set up a counseling schedule. Not all spouses will be willing to do this, but that is ideal.

If your husband is resistant, then try to get him to agree to meet with or talk to you at specified times. This will allow you at least some time each week to try to check in, reconnect, and try to begin the reconciliation process.

This is very important. From my observations, couples who have no plan or couples who just leave their separation to chance are more likely to end up divorced. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to go to counseling, it pays to have a plan. Educate yourself. Identify your issues and have a plan to address them.

Because if you can do that, then your husband will no longer have a reason to want to live apart. If you can reconnect and gel again, then he may eventually want to reconcile and move back in.

I know that this is hard. But not all marriages end when someone moves out. It does take work, and sometimes a little luck, to get him to move back in. But it is most definitely not impossible. And sometimes, it allows for the drama to calm down and gives him a chance to miss you.  I was lucky that this eventually happened for me.  I had serious problems in the beginning because I played the desperation card.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of us remember how our husband beamed at us as we walked down the aisle. He looked at us with a mix of love and pride. And it’s an image that we will never forget.

Unfortunately, after we have been together for a while, we sometimes see that look less and less. Worse, sometimes the lack of that look is combined with behaviors that make us suspect that our husband is not only no longer quite so proud of us, but he is now ashamed of us also.

Here’s an example. A wife could explain: “I am embarrassed about this, but I can no longer deny it. My husband doesn’t seem proud of me when he reluctantly takes me out or when we are together around people who he respects. It is almost like he ashamed of me. I admit that I have gained some weight since having children. I used to be beautiful and thin. But it is not as if I am hideous now. My husband has coworkers to whom he is very close. Sometimes, the families of these coworkers get together. There have been times when my husband doesn’t even ask me to come. But when he does, his eyes look down when he introduces me. Some of these men have flashy, younger women. And these men are obviously proud of it. I almost feel like they are showing off their shiny, new sports car while my husband is still driving an older clunker. And then I feel ashamed of myself. It makes me worry that my husband might one day find someone else. I have considered asking him if he’s ashamed of me, but I am scared of what he might say. I am not ugly. But at this stage of my life, I value my integrity and my intelligence over my looks. I wear glasses and dress conservatively because that is just who I am. If I were to try and wear revealing clothing and act sexy, I would feel very uncomfortable.  And I would resent that I have to compete in this way.”

Understanding That This May Not Be A Reflection On You Or Your Value: This is not an uncommon situation, but it is one that I think can be fixed. I have come to believe that you shouldn’t pretend to be something that you aren’t. It is so rarely convincing anyway. And it tears away at your soul because you know that you’re not treating yourself well.

At the same time, we all want our spouses to be proud when they are with us. Like it or not, our spouse sometimes feels like a reflection of ourselves. At the work-place or with friends, this can feel more important than it should be.

It’s likely that what your husband’s coworkers think of him feels important to your husband because he wants to be perceived in a certain way by his colleagues. This doesn’t excuse him if he’s treating you poorly, but it does tell you that he may be acting more out of his discomfort with his place of work than with his feelings toward you.

Understanding The Importance Of Projecting Your Genuine, Proud, Playful, And Best Self: Over time, I have learned that it is important to have a sense of play and pride in your marriage. I never do anything that makes me feel like I am not myself. But I do not hesitate to play up different sides of myself and step outside of my comfort zone (just a little bit) for the sake of my marriage.

For example, I truly do not like dressing up. I am a jeans and tee shirt sort of person. But if my husband and I are going to dinner where he wants to make a good impression, then I will make an extra effort to look very nice and show the best side of my personality. And I don’t believe that this is false or being who I am not. It is just me in nicer clothes displaying a friendly attitude.  And it makes my husband happy because he knows that I am making an effort.

There is nothing wrong with making the best of what you have. I wear glasses sometimes also. There is no way around it. But I have glasses which I think are pretty cute and that I do not mind wearing. I try very hard to keep in shape for myself as much as for my husband. But I also know that a healthy, middle-aged woman will never look like the young woman I used to be.

In other words, I make the very most of what I have and I play up my attributes, but I am also realistic and true to myself.

Understanding That A Connection Can Take You Further Than Anything Else: Here is something else which I think is more important than your external appearance. If your marriage is healthy and the intimacy between you is strong, then your spouse is naturally just going to display this when the two of you are together. I know that this might sound backward. But when my marriage was struggling, it most definitely affected how my husband was when we were around other people.

He would engage with the other folks, but not with me. He would almost be relieved to have additional people to talk to. He would be in no hurry to come home. However, now that our marriage has recovered, I no longer feel this way. We are deeply connected. And outings outside of our home feel very different today. Frankly, we are both ready to come home and be together.

I can’t possibly know what your marriage is like. But your feeling as if your husband isn’t proud may be a clue that working on your intimacy may be in order. If you feel like you want to make some changes, then I think it is healthy to do whatever is necessary to feel legitimately good about yourself. Because confidence is very attractive. If you feel confident in the way you look and feel, then you are just naturally going to project that confidence to others. And your husband is more likely to go along.

Find what makes you feel good and proud of yourself. Work on restoring the intimacy with your husband and I suspect that you will see this situation improve.

Making Sure You Are Noticing His Perspective And Not Your Own: Here is one more thing to consider. You want to look closely to determine if you are projecting your own feelings onto the situation. Sometimes, when we feel a little bad ourselves, we believe that others feel that way too. We are sort of biased by our own feelings. The next time you are in this situation, try to be very objective and make sure that you’re right.

I know that I used to automatically assume that my husband had bad feelings toward me when we were struggling.  But during our separation, I did tons of work on myself and I restored my confidence.  After this, I realized that I was projecting a lot of my own insecurity onto my marriage.  Becoming more confident did wonders for my marriage.  But more importantly, I felt better about myself.  There’s more about this restoration on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse mentions a separation, it’s normal and understandable that you are going to monitor his behavior very closely. If he’s acting cold and distant to you, then you will often take that as a bad sign. But, if he’s sweet or nice to you, then you can be unsure as to whether or not that is a good or bad sign. There is often a suspicion that he is only being nice in order to get your cooperation during the separation because he’s hoping that you will accept it with a good attitude and without a fight.

A wife might say: “last weekend while we were actually out on date night and having a nice dinner, my husband told me that he wanted to separate for a while. He said that he has been going through an identity crisis and he is not sure what he wants anymore, but he thinks he needs the space to figure it out. I will admit right now that I did not take it well. I pretty much made a scene in the restaurant and cried and carried on. We didn’t even finish our dinner. And the whole way home, I told him what a separation was going to cost us. It was going to cost him to be away from his children and it was going to cost me having to do everything on my own. I told him that he was making a selfish and devastating decision. That night, he didn’t take my comments too well. He became angry and said that he’s tired of living his life for every one else and that he wasn’t going to do that for more second. He said I would either live with it willingly or not, but he wasn’t changing his mind because of my ‘overly emotional reaction.’ Actually, we didn’t speak to each other for days after that. But for the past two days, he can’t do enough for me. He has been so nice and sweet. He fixed things around the house that I have been nagging him about for months. But he’s made no mention of any talk about the separation. I can only assume that he is still going forward, so I don’t get why he’s being so nice. Is his kindness just to get me to accept the separation with more willingness? Because I don’t care how nice he is to me. That is not going to happen.”

It’s impossible for me to predict what your husband’s strategy might be – if he even has one. But there are a couple of possibilities here.

He May Want To Maintain A Good Relationship: Sometimes, people vow to stay on good terms while they are separated, knowing that it is better for everyone involved and it will keep the possibility of a reconciliation open. After all, he himself has indicated that he’s just looking for time to sort some things out. He may well find that his marriage is not the problem and, if that is the case, then he likely does not want to be on bad terms with you.

He May Be Seeing Your Point Of View: Also, he may have thought about the situation more and he may have realized that you have some validity to what you are saying. It is asking a lot when your spouse just all of a sudden announces that they need time and they are going to leave you on your own for a while to pick up the pieces. So, he may be being nice about the whole thing because there is a little guilt at play and he is genuinely concerned about how you are feeling and how you will fare while he is gone.

Maybe He Isn’t Sure What He Wants: There is one other possibility. He may be reconsidering. He may have decided that he doesn’t want a separation after all but he doesn’t yet know how to broach this topic.  Perhaps he’s just trying to be pleasant so he can get a sense of how you feel about this.

So how do you know which option you are looking at? Well, you could ask him if you don’t think it will cause an argument or contribute to him being defensive. But, you could also just act equally pleasant and wait and see. If he doesn’t want to separate after all, then this will come up soon enough.

If it turns out that he is moving forward with the separation, at least you will be on good terms. Never underestimate the importance of that. It’s very easy to never gain any traction during your separation if you can’t work with your husband.  It’s easy to react to anger instead of reacting to each other.

I know that you want to understand WHY he is acting as he is, but I think that right now, it’s more important that, regardless of why, he is being receptive and accomodating. This hopefully means that you may not separate after all. But if you do, at least this is something on which you can build. I know first hand, that having that “in” so you can start building is vital. Without it, a reconciliation is much more difficult.

For the first part of my separation, I constantly felt suspicious of my husband and I was constantly trying to wear him down.  I did a lot of damage to my marriage before I realized that this was never going to work.  I had to join sides with him rather than being on opposing sides.  This made all the difference. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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