Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of the people that I hear from are those looking for a way to convince their spouse to either end the separation or to not separate in the first place.  However, occasionally, I hear from the spouse who initiated the separation, but who is now having second thoughts.  Much of the time, they’d very much like to allow their spouse to come back home and put an end to being apart, but they afraid that this isn’t the right decision or that nothing is going to change.  At the same time, they often have their spouse pleading for “just one more chance.”

A wife might say: “I didn’t really want to separate from my husband, but I felt like I had a to draw a line in the sand in order to get his attention.  Even though we have been married for a while, he’s acting very immature still.  I have always known he was like this.  For him, life is all about having fun.  But I had hoped that he would mature once I married him – as most people do.  Well, he hasn’t.  He is still going out with his drinking buddies all of the time and being unemployed off and on because he doesn’t want a grown-up job.  I finally told him that I want a partner and an equal – not a child to take care of.  He admitted that I was right and said that he would change but he didn’t.  Finally, I told him I wanted to separate.  This was mostly meant to scare him.  I hoped that he would be inspired to change out of fear.  But as I’ve been by myself because of this separation, I realize that I feel a little relief.  The house is always clean because he’s not here to mess it up.  I come home to peace and quiet. I don’t have his immature friends coming and going as they please.  I only have to worry about myself.  I admit that I often miss him.  Sometimes when I’m watching a movie that I know he would enjoy, I wish that he was here.  The other day, we talked on the phone and he told me that he hasn’t been out with his friends in three weeks.  He also said he had a second job interview at a really good company.  I had some skepticism about this, but I hoped that what he was saying was true.  Then I saw his mom at the grocery store and she told me that he was changing.  I didn’t tell her that I had already talked to him and she basically told me about the new job possibility.  Then she ended the conversation by saying: ‘you should give him another chance.  He’s a good man at heart and he loves you.  It’s silly to throw away your marriage because of his job prospects and friends.’  Now I’m starting to think about her words and realize that maybe she’s right.  I do miss him.  I do still love him.  But I don’t want to go back to the way things were.  Should I give him one more chance and end the separation?”

I always advocate saving your marriage if you can – as long as the relationship can be healthy.  However, I don’t see anything wrong with doing it in a gradual way to ensure that it sticks.  What I mean by this is that nothing says that you have to take him back tomorrow if you are not sure of the change.  What is wrong with continuing to watch and wait for just a little while longer?  What is wrong with starting to see each other regularly and eventually moving on to maybe him spending some weekends with you so that you are gradually easing back into a reconciliation?

This would put less stress on the situation and it would allow you to watch him and see for yourself if he has really changed.  Assuming that things continue to go well, this would allow you the confidence to know that the odds are good since he is sincere.

Also, I often tell people it’s better to end the separation when you know that you have a system in place to manage your issues.  In other words, it doesn’t make sense to reconcile when you haven’t learned how to manage conflict better or when the core issues haven’t been worked out.

If you and your husband haven’t yet sat down and come up with your short term and long term goals, I’d encourage that.  Because then you have something concrete to work toward and your husband knows exactly what you’re expecting so that there are no misunderstandings.

Ultimately, I love to see marriages get a second chance and it makes me happy when separations come to an end.  But I also want to know that things are going to work for the long term.  To give this the best chance, I’d suggest doing this gradually and learning some new negotiation skills as a couple during this process.  These things will ensure that your reconciliation is successful and that you don’t go back to the same life which just wasn’t working for you anyway.

It’s normal to have doubts when you consider reconciling.  There’s so much at stake.  You don’t want to fail.  That’s why I think it’s best to ease into it.  My husband and I did it gradually and it worked for us. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I End The Separation And Give My Spouse One Last Chance?

By: Leslie Cane: Much of the time, I hear from people who are trying to break through to their spouse during a marital or trial separation.  They want to see or talk to their spouse more often so that they can make some progress. Occasionally though, I hear from someone who is trying to set boundaries. Often, this person has initiated the separation because they want space. They need some time away from their spouse, but they are afraid that their spouse is not going to accept this and they are looking for a way to set the boundaries in a healthy way.

Someone might say: “I need some time away from my husband. I have a lot of thinking to do. I am not sure about my marriage or my life anymore. I feel like I need a change in my life. I feel like I need to honestly evaluate what is working for me and what is not. I have asked for a separation because of this. My husband does not like this. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just go on a mini vacation for a couple of days and then come back home. I don’t want to feel rushed. I want to take the time that I need. I am worried that he won’t respect that I need this time. Should I set some boundaries? And if so, how? I feel like it’s silly to tell my own husband how often I want him to call or how much I want to see him. But I don’t want to deal with seeing or talking to him non stop if I don’t say anything. Otherwise, what is the point of the separation?”

I always advocate agreeing to a schedule before the separation actually takes place. Usually, when couples do not agree, this becomes a huge point of contention between them. Lots of time can go by before they see each other and this can cause the separation to deteriorate as both people make assumptions about the other’s motivations.

So I think it’s very wise to have a conversation about this. But before you do, I want to stress that you want to consider your spouse’s feelings too. In my own situation, I was the spouse who didn’t want the space and who was afraid that the separation was going to mean a divorce. So you want to realize that you if you are not careful, your spouse is going to hear these boundaries as a directive that you want to see them as little as possible or just don’t want to be bothered by them.

You want to respect the fact that because they are scared, they are going to need to at least touch base regularly so they do not assume the worst. Ask yourself what is reasonable in your eyes. How can you offer them some reassurance but still get your space?

You might try a conversation like: “before we actually start this, I want to come to an agreement about how we will communicate and how often. I want to establish this beforehand because we are calm right now and it’s probably better to deal with this in a time of calm. I know it’s very important that we keep in contact. But I also think it’s important that we don’t go overboard on this because if we do, it’s going to be a challenge to evaluate how we are feeling. At first, how about we talk every other day and then meet for dinner on weekends? As we go along in the process, we can reevaluate.”

I think it’s a decent idea to agree to meet with your spouse weekly. This gives them something to look forward to and I think it helps them to be more patient during the rest of the week because they know that they will access to you at week’s end.

If your spouse is hesitant to agree to this, then listen to what he has to say.  He may be a compromise somewhere. If the separation has started and you find your spouse calling you too much, think about asking him to text instead of to call. That way, you can just text back that you’re busy at this particular time, but you will call him tomorrow. You don’t want to completely disappear on your spouse or be inaccessible. Because if you do this, then he will likely just cling more tightly to you and you might see the phone calls increase instead of decrease.

I’d like to finish with one final thought. Sometimes, it’s premature to make assumptions. You’re assuming that you won’t want regular contact before you’ve even begun. Many people find that they miss their spouse more than anticipated and those regular phone calls are enjoyed by both of you. So it can be hard to gauge how much communication you are going to want when this process is just beginning. But establishing some guidelines beforehand is alway a good idea.

My husband and I didn’t really have guidelines during our separation. And this turned out to be a big problem.  Because I was definitely in touch more than he wanted me to be.  It was hard to back off, but that’s exactly what I had to do. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Worry About Setting Boundaries During My Martial Separation? How Should I Do It?

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from couples who are separated and still having sex.  Many of them confess this fact as if it is an awful thing that is unique to them.  I can promise you that it isn’t.  And if you think about it, this makes sense.  Your spouse is someone who hopefully you have become used to sleeping with and have enjoyed the process.   It’s normal that when this is taken away from you, then you are going to miss it.  And it’s also normal to want to connect physically when you are afraid, lonely, and unsure about the future of your marriage.

And it doesn’t have to be harmful, as long as both people are clear and agree on what the sex means and no one feels taken advantage of.  That, of course, is the great irony of it.  While having separation sex is relatively common, having sex without confusion and worry is not.  People often leave the encounter more confused than ever.  And many (especially wives) feel taken advantage of.

I might hear from one who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks.  For the first couple of those weeks, my husband was truly awful to me.  He wouldn’t talk to me or take my calls.  He told some of our mutual friends that I was selfish and that the separation was all my fault.  This isn’t true, but I guess he felt the need to turn our friends against me.  Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, my husband and I met at a restaurant to celebrate the birthday of a friend.  Many people were there.  We had a few drinks and a few laughs.  Then the next thing I know, we are back at our house having sex.  I assumed that this would be a one time thing and my husband would be back to being cold again.  But he called the next day and asked me to dinner.  We’ve been seeing each other much more frequently and yes, having sex. A couple of our mutual friends are saying that my husband is just using me.  They say that he is essentially having “booty calls” and then retreating.  I understand their concern, but I do not think that this is completely fair. It’s not as if we have sex and then he avoids me or doesn’t call.  He does.  In fact, for the last two days, we have just talked and laughed on the phone.  There was no sex involved.  Just us talking.  Still, I’m worried that they are right.  Is it possible that he is just using me and will be cold again once he gets his sex fix?”

Well, anything is possible, I suppose. But it seems to me that for now, he is contributing more than just sex.  The two of you are talking and it seems that progress is being made.

What Might Be Your True Worry And A Possible Solution: I think that perhaps your real worry is whether the progress would be made if the sex weren’t present.  There’s a way to test that, if it’s worrying you that much.  You could discuss this with your husband.  You could even tell him that you’re worried that your relationship is just about sex and see how he reacts.  If he stops calling and reaching out once the sex stops, then that’s potentially problematic.

But, you have to look at the totality of the situation.  We are not talking about a one night stand here.  We are talking about your husband.  This isn’t someone you just met and jumped into bed with.  You have a history with this man.  So it’s a big stretch to think that he will sleep with you and just disappear – never to call you again.  If the marriage ends, it likely won’t be the sex that ends it – although the sex can confuse things.  And that confusion can lead to misunderstandings, which can stall or threaten your progress.

My suggestion would be that if anything concerns you or makes you uncomfortable, you have the choice of either being honest with your spouse or you can test it out.  So, you could tell your husband what your friend said and ask for some reassurance.  Or, you could tell him that for now, you want to put a lid on the sex until it’s clear where your relationship is headed.  Either tactic might give you more information.

This is only one person’s opinion. But to me, if a man just wants sex and he doesn’t really have a romantic interest in his separated wife, there are other women that he could seek it from.  It’s more likely that he’s lonely for you and was missing you.  Does this mean that you will save your marriage and reconcile immediately?  Not necessarily, but it certainly means he’s still attracted to you. And that can be a good sign.

Some Questions To Ask Yourself: I think it really depends on how the whole process makes you feel.  Do you feel used?  Or are you consciously deciding that this is what you want regardless of how it turns out?

The answers to these questions are important because if you’re feeling used but going ahead anyway, then you are not coming from a place of strength.  But if you know that although you can’t see the future, you’re choosing to physically be with your husband because it’s what you want, then you are coming from a place of strength.  It never hurts to ask questions or ask for clarification if you aren’t sure.  Just do it gently and in a light-hearted way.  The sex can be awkward enough without asking him to analyze it.  Or, you can retreat from the sex and see what happens.  That might give you more information also.

I probably would have had sex with my separated husband if he had initiated it.  But things were awful between us for a while and I was afraid to initiate it.  Our relationship was so fragile that it probably worked out better that we didn’t have that issue.  We had plenty of others, though.  But we overcame them. You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on If You’re Separated And Still Having Sex, Is Your Husband Just Using You?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who have fallen into a very destructive pattern. Their communication begins to consist primarily of fighting. They lose their ability to communicate in a constructive way that is meant to bring about a resolution. So, when the fights invariably come, the only way the couples knows how to resolve it is for someone to go storming out. Once this pattern takes hold, the next step may be someone saying or threatening that they want a divorce.

The great irony of this is that often times, neither of the spouses want to divorce. But they just can’t seem to find their way out of what has now become a destructive habit. I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I fight on an almost daily basis about money. My husband made an investment that risked our savings. I was aware that he had invested, but I was not aware of how much money he had put at risk. I would not have wanted him to invest as much as he did, but he did not make this information available to me. Needless to say, he lost the money. As a result, finances are a real issue for us. I have had to take on additional shifts at work and money is always extremely tight. It is almost as if there is nothing to look forward to anymore. It is just a miserable existence where we can barely pay our bills. I worry that we will lose our house. The stress from all of this causes us to fight. And the fights have gotten so bad that my husband always ends up storming out. He stays away for days at a time. Then he comes home later saying that he wants a divorce. If I being completely honest, I have to admit that I do not want a divorce. I really don’t. But I also don’t think that I can live this way anymore. It is just turmoil all of the time. Sometimes, when my husband comes back and starts talking about a divorce again, I am tempted to tell him to be my guest and to go right ahead. Because I’m sick of him leaving all of the time. I hate this roller coaster ride. But I don’t want to give up on my marriage. At the same time, I don’t know how to change this.”

Understanding How The Habit Is Formed: It’s not uncommon for couples to get stuck in destructive ruts like this. It can almost become a habit which is very difficult to dig your way out of. I would suggest trying to agree on an intention to break the routine before you are in the heat of the argument. Because what happens is this. Once you both begin to raise your voices, tense up, and get caught up in the moment, then no one is thinking rationally. That adrenaline takes over and you just resort to habits and fall back on what is easiest at the time.

Short Circuiting The Pattern:  I would suggest addressing this before anyone is angry and before things get out of control. You might try something like: “I want to address something with you while we have an opportunity to do so. I am glad that you are here now but I always live in fear that with the next fight, you are going to walk out again and then before we know it, we will be talking about a divorce again. I don’t want that and I hope that you don’t want that either. I think that we are resorting back to very had habits and I want us to stop that cycle. I know that we have a lot of stress because of our finances, and, because of this, we may argue at times. But, when this happens, I want for us to stop and take a break. Maybe we could go to different areas of the house for half an hour and then regroup. Maybe we could only discuss money issues at counseling so that someone can help us to work through this. I just don’t want us to continue on this way and to end up divorced. I know that we are dealing with a difficult situation, but we should be strengthening each other instead of tearing one another down. Will you help me do this?”

I can’t promise that one conversation is going to fix everything, but it is certainly a start. Then, if you do notice things getting out of control, make every attempt to break the path of destruction as it is happening. You might want to say: “remember what we discussed? We aren’t just going to walk out again” and see if you can get him to take a break before he walks out. Because if you can begin to pause after the fighting starts then you can slowly get to the place where no one is worried about a divorce. After that, then you can slowly begin to rebuild your marriage so that there is less fighting.

I wish that I had broken the cycle of the fights in my own marriage.  But I did not.  And before I knew it, my husband left and I was on the brink of divorce.  It was a very long, painful and difficult process to get him back.  But I eventually did.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on We Always Fight And Then My Husband Will Leave For A Little While And Say He Wants A Divorce

By: Leslie Cane:  It really hurts when you know that your spouse isn’t particularly happy being married to you.  It’s devastating when you know that there is something about you that makes him unhappy in general.  This is compounded even further when he acts on that unhappiness and makes an attempt to change you. It can make you feel rejected.  It can make you feel as if you’re not good enough.  And, if your marriage is still important to you, it can make you wonder if change is even possible.

Someone might lament: “my husband has made it very clear that he is disappointed in me.  When we met, he loved that I was a bit wild and carefree.  I liked that aspect of myself also.  But now that I have children, I can’t even imagine living that lifestyle anymore.  I have matured.  I have responsibilities now.  It would not be appropriate to act that way right now.  He also constantly tells me that he misses the sexy person I used to me.  Well, I’m really sorry about that, but it’s hard to be sexy when you’re exhausted and have had kids hanging on you all day.  I feel that his wishes are unrealistic and selfish.  Yet, that doesn’t stop him from trying to change me every chance he gets.  He will come home with lingerie.  He will tell me his friend and his wife went skydiving or took a trip at the last minute.  His stories and actions are basically saying ‘look honey, all of our friends live this exciting life and we don’t.’  Sometimes, he seems very resentful, like I pulled a bait and switch on him or something.  It hurts me.  Because in truth, I like the person I have become more than my younger self.  Part of life is maturing and growing up.  And I have done that.  But it is like he wants me to regress just to make him happy.  I love my husband.  I want my marriage.  I never want my children to grow up in a broken household. But I have no intention of changing who I am. How do I get him to stop this?”

Knowing The Difference Between The Possible And The Impossible: I’m sorry that this is happening.  I know that it is hurtful.  And I also think that the way that your husband is going about this isn’t all that effective.  Because when it feels like a criticism, it’s normal to feel defensive and to actually resist the change that your husband wants.

Also, it rarely goes well when one spouse attempts to change the core of who the other truly is.  I sometimes hear from introverts whose spouse wants an extravert or creative folks whose spouse complains that they aren’t more analytical.

To me, this is like saying you wish that your children had blue eyes or were left handed.  There is nothing that you can do to change how they came into the world.  Your core personality and comfort level have been there since birth.  Asking you to change it is unrealistic and potentially damaging.

With that said, although I do not believe that it’s feasible to change who you are, I DO believe that you can change your habits and actions, at least somewhat.  For example, even introverted people can put themselves out there sometimes when it is necessary.  Even creative people can put on their analytic hat when it benefits their family.

What He May Really Mean: Sometimes, when a spouse says things to indicate that he misses your younger, more reckless self, he doesn’t necessarily expect you to act like a teenager.  What he is saying to you is that he misses the feeling of excitement that you used to share in the beginning of your relationship.  That can be fixed.  You can try to incorporate excitement and impulsiveness into your every day life without acting like you are twenty.  You can be more spontaneous and receptive in the bedroom just by allowing yourself to “go there” in the comfort of your own home.

Yes, it does require you to step outside of your comfort zone and this is scary.  But often, if you just take a deep breath and try something new, you may find that you too are energized by it.

Of course, you don’t want to do something that makes you horribly uncomfortable. Because you probably wouldn’t pull it off effectively anyway.  That’s like trying to wear someone else’s clothing. But most of us can step out of your comfort zone with success.  And the more you do this, the more comfortable you become.

Once your spouse sees you making this effort, he will likely back off on the talk that sounds critical and personal.  You might even get some praise thrown in there.  So you will both be getting your needs met.  And you will both be happier.  You’ll still have your marriage. And your kids will still have both parents. And at your core, you haven’t changed at all.

You’re still a responsible mother who puts her family first.  You’ve just changed a few behaviors and habits to add some spice.  But who you are remains the same.

I know this topic well because my husband and I are polar opposites.  I am bookish and quiet.  He’s very much a risk taker.  This has created conflict at times (and we were separated for a time,) but I’ve learned to flip it and make it work.  Sometimes, I take on more of his habits.  And sometimes, he takes on more of mine.  But it is constant compromise that requires neither of us to change who were the second we were born. There’s more of this saga on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Spouse Isn’t Happy With Me And Keeps Trying To Change Me

By: Leslie Cane:  I think that it is just in a woman’s DNA to want to be needed.  We are natural caregivers and sometimes, we want nothing more than to be helpful and needed to those we love.  We know that our husband is an adult who could do things for himself.  But, it is nice when he leans on us.  Sometimes, early in our marriage, he does this quite often.  And it seems that he is enhanced by our help.  But, as time goes by in your relationship, this dynamic can change.  And some women worry that it’s a very bad sign.

A wife might say: “when my husband and I first got married, he depended on me to make sure his life went smoothly.  I loved that role.  I loved helping him, knowing that he was depending on me, and that my efforts were going to help us in the future.  When we were newlyweds, my husband was in school and had to spend nearly all of his time studying.  I made his meals, did all the cooking, picked up his errands, bought gifts for his family, and made sure everything in his life was carefree so that all he had to worry about was school.  When our kids came along, I also did this for my kids.  I was very busy because of this, but I loved it.  Well, now my husband is very well established in his career and all our hard work has paid off.   But now that he has accomplished what he has set out to do, he doesn’t seem to need me anymore.  When I offer to do errands for him or to take care of the small details of his life, I am told that he has a secretary for that.  He seems annoyed that I would even ask.  And my children are now much older and they don’t seem to need me that much anymore either.  I told my husband that I feel like I have been replaced.  My husband told me that this was silly.  He said that we both worked so hard so that we could be in the position to just enjoy life and let others take care of the menial tasks.  The thing is, when it comes to my husband, I want to be able to take care of those tasks. I worry that because he does not seem to need me anymore, he will eventually decide that he doesn’t want to be married anymore.  Is this silly?”

I wouldn’t say it was silly.  I encourage wives to take an honest look at what might be happening in your marriage.  You never want to be blindsided or to assume everything is fine when it is not.  But, I also think it’s possible that you might be over reaching here.

Knowing What Husbands Really Want From Wives:  I dialog with a lot of husbands.  Most of them do not want a wife who reminds them of their mothers or past nannies. Many men consider it a sign of success when they can hire out tasks to make their wife’s life easier. They don’t want to view their wife as their chef or housekeeper or personal assistant.  They want to view her as their wife.  And I don’t think that this is a bad thing.

Knowing That You Can Be Needed In Different Ways:  As kids grow and husband’s become more successful in their careers, it is normal for the dynamic to change.  This doesn’t mean that they think any less of you or don’t love you.  It doesn’t mean that they doubt your competence.  Where kids are concerned, allowing them to do things for themselves is necessary to their growth.  And husbands evolve to need their wives in other ways.

They want her to be their confidant, lover, and friend.  They want to know that she supports them emotionally and is a sounding board and outlet to share things. They want a partner-in-crime, but not someone who picks up their clothing and cleans up after them.  Well-adjusted adults don’t need for their spouses to act like a parent or care giver.

So I would suggest allowing your relationship to evolve, knowing that instead of needing you to make his life easier, your husband “needs” you to simply share the pleasures and challenges of life with him.

And while your children may not need you any longer to help them with their homework or drive them places, they may need someone to steer them through life choices and to just listen to them as they meet life’s challenges as young adults.

Again, I don’t think that people fully understand or appreciate how much women are hard-wired to be caregivers.  And this is OK.  But you can change your approach and care in different and more healthy ways.  It is more healthy if your family sees you as an equal family member instead of as just their housekeeper, assistant, or cook.  You’ve earned the right to relax a little and allow others to carry their own load.

It took me a long time to realize that my husband didn’t expect me to fix everything in his life. And when I tried to, he saw it as meddling and over-stepping. This contributed to us eventually separating. It was a long road back to a healthy marriage, but we made it.  You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Don’t Feel Needed By My Husband Anymore

By: Leslie Cane: To say that a trial separation can seem like culture shock is an understatement.  This is especially true if you did not want the separation and your spouse was the one who initiated it.

Honestly, it can feel as if your entire world has been turned upside down.  One day your spouse is there and in your bed and the next day he is not.  One day you know that you have someone with whom you can share your life with; but the next day, this is not so certain. One day you feel relatively content and stable; and the next day you do not. One day you have someone to share household tasks and responsibilities with; and the next day you do not.

To say that your life has negatively changed because of the separation is a huge understatement.  And it can certainly feel as if these changes are not for the better.  You can feel abandoned, disrespected, and very much alone.  Understandably, you can want to talk to the person who understands what you are going through – and that is your husband.  After all, he is going through this separation also.  He may well know what you are experiencing.

This is natural.  But it does not always turn out well.  Sometimes, it seems that your husband does not want to hear about your fears or problems.  Sometimes, it seems that he expects you to just deal with the separation without complaint or comment.  A wife might say: “honestly, I have never been as miserable as I am right now.  My husband moved out of our home last weekend.  I have never felt so alone and so sad.  I hate having to do everything myself.  I hate feeling unsafe here all by myself.  I hate having to answer questions about what is going on with my marriage.  I don’t know what to say when someone calls and asks about my husband. I have to make an excuse as to why he is not here.  But when I tell my husband all of these things, he seems to get angry and frustrated.  Last night, he actually said, ‘I had to move out due to all of your complaining and yet I still have to hear you complain.  I just don’t want to hear it anymore.’ I honestly think that he is being unreasonable.  How am I to be expected to not complain when my world has been turned upside down?  Am I just supposed to pretend that I am happy about all of this?  Because I think that’s pretty unrealistic.  It’s as if he expects me to just accept the separation without a peep.”

I understand your frustration.  And you have every right to be upset.  I know firsthand that a separation is a very scary time.  Your reaction is very normal.  But I also know that it is common for separated husbands to not want to hear all about it.

Why?  Because it makes them feel guilty.  And it makes them feel a little helpless because they can’t help you when the two of you are no longer living together. So as understandable as your complaints are, sometimes it makes sense to find another outlet for them.

And the reason that I say that is because I also know that a separated husband who gets tired of hearing you complain may also start avoiding you.  He may stop taking your calls.  He may make excuses when you want to see him.  And this can be a serious problem when you’re trying to end the separation and save your marriage.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a right to your concerns, but I would suggest that you find a new place to express them, at least for now.  Journal them.  Talk to your girlfriends or your family about them.  But for right now, temper them when you are with your husband.  Frankly, I learned the hard way that it is best to keep your interactions with your separated husband pleasant.

Why? Because when you do that you don’t have any problem setting up future meetings and conversations.  And you desperately need these meetings and conversations when you are trying to save your marriage.  You will have a very hard time reconciling if you never see or talk to your husband.

I am not telling you that you need to act as if you are thrilled to be separated.  You know that this is not true and so does your husband.  But I think that you want to act as if you are coping as best as you can.  You want it to appear that you are fully capable of handling this, even if it wasn’t your choice.  And it’s never a bad idea to let your husband see that you are using this time to work on and make improvements to yourself and to your situation.

You don’t need to be fake.  But I think that you do want to appear to be capable.  Making this change completely transformed my separated husband’s attitude toward me.  And that made all of the difference because it allowed us to reconcile. You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Expects Me To Just Endure And Adjust To The Separation Without Complaint

By: Leslie Cane: When you have been separated for a while and you have tried any number of failed strategies to inspire a reconciliation or to get your spouse to come home, talk and thoughts will often turn to the idea of “moving on.” This is especially true when your separated spouse is telling you that this is what you should do and is giving you no encouragement regarding the future of your marriage.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for over nine months. This was not any nasty separation with people who were furious at one another. My husband and I are still very friendly and we were clear on the fact that we still loved one another. But, my husband felt that there may have been something missing in our marriage. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when this unknown element was missing. So he moved out, but the understanding was always that we would hopefully take this time apart so that we could eventually end up together. I believed in this process and I never envisioned a future without my husband. Within the last couple of months, my husband’s attitude toward me has changed. He isn’t as willing to see or talk to me nearly as often. He’s not very encouraging about our marriage. I tried to be patient at first, but then I started to get afraid. The other day, I told my husband that I couldn’t help but notice his change in attitude toward me. I told him that I still had hope for our marriage. Then, he gently responded by saying ‘I’m just going to be honest and tell you that I have moved on. I really hope that you will move on too because I want you to be happy and I feel like it’s time.’ I am crushed by this. Who is he to decide when it’s time for me to move on? In my mind, it is way too soon. I can’t even consider it, much less do it. Do I have to move on just because he thinks that I do?”

I am going to admit to you right from the beginning that my opinion is very biased. Because I was in this same position and I know how badly it hurts and how it can make you feel as if a very important life-decision is being made for you. People who loved me very much and who only wanted the best for me were telling me to move on. My husband was giving me no hope whatsoever.

I knew that I didn’t want to move on. But I also didn’t want to be unrealistic. It wouldn’t have been healthy for me (or in my best interest) to pretend that things were going to work out just peachy for my marriage when it was very obvious that things weren’t going so well. So, what I did was to try to strike a compromise which would still allow for a little hope, but which was also based on realism and what was in my best interests.

I told myself that in my heart, I wasn’t going to give up on my marriage and I was just going to wait and see what happened. I wasn’t going to pressure my husband or continue to push him, because clearly this hadn’t worked. Instead, I was going to back away while still staying in touch. And, I was going to project myself back into the world again by going out with friends, pursuing hobbies, and interacting with family. I wasn’t trying to date again. I wasn’t calling my marriage over. I was just putting myself back out into the world, while deep down I was hoping that things would improve.

I have to tell you that I think that my husband was shocked by this. And, in the long run, it seemed to change his attitude toward me because it wasn’t very long before he became receptive again. We eventually reconciled, but that really isn’t the point. What I’m trying to stress here is that no one can really take your hope away without your permission and no one can decide for you when is the best time for you to move on. If you still want to have hope, then that is your prerogative. He doesn’t know what is in your mind or in your heart unless you tell him.

I can’t tell you when is the right time to move on. But I can tell you that it’s my opinion that while your husband can certainly decide when he thinks he’s ready to move on, he can’t make that call for you. Things change. Feelings evolve. You can’t control what he feels or does. But you can certainly control both of those things for yourself.

Sure, he may think that your moving on will make things easier for him and his wish for you to do so may be an indication that it’s time to back away for a while, but he can’t decide how you are going to live your life. That decision is yours alone. And I don’t see the harm in continuing to have hope, as long as you don’t let this keep you from living your life to the fullest.

I know that this hurts.  But you never know what is going to happen tomorrow.  I don’t think that you can go wrong turning your attention toward yourself.  That way, you are covered either way.  If he does become receptive again, your becoming stronger will only benefit your marriage.  It certainly benefited mine. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Separated Husband Says That He Has Moved On With His Life. And That I Should Too.

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s not uncommon for your feelings, wishes, and outlook to change after you have been separated for a while.  Sometimes, you go into the separation thinking that you will feel a certain way or want a certain thing.  But time away from your spouse makes you feel differently and encourages you to reevaluate. And sometimes, your wishes change because of this also.  But it can be unclear as to whether or not you should share your changing feelings and wishes with your spouse.

A wife might say: “my husband is the one who initiated the separation.  But I agreed with it.  I didn’t really fight it.  Because it was clear that we had to do something.  We had gotten to the point where we could just not get along.  And there didn’t seem to be any feelings left between us.  It just seemed that everything was deteriorating.  So it appeared that the logical thing to do was to separate.  We didn’t speak at all for weeks after he moved out. Lately we have been talking on the phone.  And as that started, my feelings began to change.  I have started to entertain the idea that I would like to save my marriage. I miss my husband.  I realize that we are being reactive and not proactive.  I feel like we should fight to stay together rather than just idly retreating like we are.  But I am not sure if I should share my thoughts with my husband.  As I said, we talk.  But he hasn’t said much to allow me to gage how he is feeling.  So I’m afraid that if I tell him what I’m feeling, he might reject me or stop calling.  Should I tell him that I want to save my marriage?”

That’s a tough question to answer.  I think you have to look at the situation and at the clues you might already have in order to determine if sharing this information with him will make him more likely to cooperate or less likely to play along.

In my own case, if I alluded to how much I loved my husband and how I would do anything to save my marriage, this would cause my husband to back away – almost every time.  If I came on too strongly, he would limit his access to me.  He would stop calling and stop taking my calls.  I believe that this was because my husband didn’t know what he wanted.  He hadn’t completely ruled out a reconciliation, but he also hadn’t ruled out separating permanently or divorcing.  So every time I told him how I felt, I think he felt pressured and he felt guilty.

Eventually, I noticed that when I would take a wait-and-see attitude where I just enjoyed the time we were sharing without questioning it or analyzing it, things went much better between us.

Make no mistake about it.  I did want to save my marriage.  Very badly, in fact.  But for me, making a big announcement about it made things worse.

However, I have no way of knowing if this is going to be the case with you and in your own marriage. Sometimes, both spouses decide that they want to save their marriage and no one is shy about saying this.  In this case, sharing this with your spouse would be the right call because both people are absolutely sure that this is what they want.  So, sharing this news would probably bring you closer together.

Gaging How He Might React: I think that much of the time, you can look at your husband’s behavior and how receptive he is toward you at the time to at least speculate as to how he might react if you were to tell him that you want to save your marriage.  If you are sure that this will make him happy and that he will be completely onboard, then I don’t see any harm in sharing this.

But, if there is a chance that this might make him pull back or that this might negate the progress that you have made, then I would wait.  And if you are not sure what type of reaction he would have, I would still wait and watch.  I would wait and see if he will share his feelings first or I would look for clues to give me more information.

I know that this may not be the news you wanted to hear.  But I know first hand that things can be really fragile during a separation.  Progress must be guarded.  It’s important not to do anything to jeopardize the good things that are happening.  And if keeping this information private will help to keep him from pulling away when he’s still not sure what he wants, then I don’t see any harm in keeping this to yourself – at least until you are on stronger footing.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.  By announcing my plans to get him back, I caused my husband to back away.  It took me a lot of time and effort to regain my footing and to pull my husband closer. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Should I Tell My Separated Husband I Want To Save My Marriage?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes get correspondence from separated wives who are operating under the assumption that their husband doesn’t care all that much about them anymore. After all, if he cared, he wouldn’t have initiated the separation, right? If he cared, he wouldn’t want for his wife to live on her own while he got that space that he’s so desperately been craving. And, that’s why many of these wives are genuinely surprised when this same separated husband begins showing concern for them by taking the initiative to see them.

A wife might say: “for the last four weeks, my husband has come over for dinner every Friday without fail. I find this very surprising, considering that two months ago he basically told me that he didn’t love me in the way that he should.  Because of this, he felt like we should separate. I flat out asked him if he still cared about me and he didn’t exactly go to any trouble to tell me that he still did. For the first couple of weeks of our separation, I didn’t hear from him at all even though one of my family members became ill. Then, a little while ago, he started calling me and asking how I was. He seemed legitimately interested. Then he invited himself to dinner and he has been repeating that process ever since. One Friday, I had other plans and so he asked if Saturday would work instead. But it was clear that he didn’t want to forgo seeing me that week. This leaves me very confused. He seemed to want a separation because he felt sure that he didn’t care about me anymore. Now he is clearly wanting to spend time with me. Is this the behavior or someone who doesn’t care?”

It wouldn’t appear to be. And I know that you are frustrated with the mixed signals. But if you want to save your marriage, then this is a very good sign. Because think of the alternative – him continuing to ignore you and not reaching out to you. I know that his behavior is confusing, but I’ll quickly go over why you might be seeing this. And then I’ll offer some considerations on how to handle it.

Why He May Suddenly Appear To Be The Caring, Separated Husband: The obvious reason that you are seeing this is because being separated has allowed your husband to see that he does care very much after all. This happens sometimes. When you are apart, the immediacy of the situation goes away and people are able to calm down and see things a little more objectively.

He may not have anticipated how much he would miss you once you were apart, but this may be exactly what has happened. And he may not know how to tell you this, so instead of talking, he is just trying to gradually take baby steps toward your relationship again – which is why you seeing those weekly dinners.

Of course, this is only speculation. I can’t possibly know his motivations, but these are logical and common ones. People often realize how much they care when they don’t see their spouse every day and therefore are able to realize how mistaken they might have been or how much they took their spouse for granted. Now, let’s think about how you might want to handle this.

Deciding How You Want To Proceed: Some wives in this situation will hold back because they don’t understand his motivations and they do not want to be hurt. That is perfectly understandable. Luckily, he’s only asking you to meet once per week, so this is a nice, slow, and gradual pace. How you want to move forward really depends upon whether you are still interested and invested in your marriage. If you are, then it makes sense to see where this might lead.

Another reaction that I see (which I did myself) is to get all excited and to hope that his new caring and interest means that you are going to reconcile very quickly. I understand this, but from experience I’d caution you against over stepping. Because it puts unnecessary pressure onto the situation and sometimes it causes your husband to back away.

I believe that you are much better off taking things at a steady but gradual pace. Enjoy this time. It often feels so good to see your spouse acting caring and interested again. I know that it’s very tempting to always ask yourself what he wants and to wonder why he is suddenly acting this way. But sometimes, it’s harmful to constantly question things. It is better to tell yourself that you will take things day by day and not make any assumptions.

Just enjoy today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Allowing things to develop in their own time ensures that they go at a natural pace. It doesn’t force pressure onto an already tricky situation and it ensures that you are both more clear on your feelings.

It’s a good thing that he’s showing caring behaviors toward you. But it’s a bit soon to know exactly what it means. That’s why I’d try to calmly encourage it but to not overreact. You have a better chance of getting more of the caring behavior if you don’t push things and you just let it happen naturally.

I understand that it can be hard to just wait and see.  I found it nearly impossible.  But every time I would try to rush my husband, I ended up regretting it.  But when I went at a slower pace, I almost always got better results. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Does My Separated Husband Come Home If He Doesn’t Care?