Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Most of us have been raised to believe that honestly is always the best policy.  We watch talk shows where mental health counselors indicate that there should be no secrets between spouses and that we should always allow our spouse to know exactly how we feel.  This is said to be one of the keys to a good marriage.

So when our marriage is in trouble or, worse, when we are separated, it can appear that being forthcoming and sharing our feelings are more important than ever.  And so we gather our courage and we spill everything, thinking that is exactly what we need to do.  We expect for our admission and our disclosure to make things better.  Unfortunately, we can be completely surprised when it does not. Frankly, it sometimes makes things worse.  And this is not only confusing, it can feel devastating.

A wife might explain: “I have always been honest with my husband about how I feel.  We’ve always been able to talk openly.  Until about six months ago when my husband decided that he was not happy in our marriage. At that time, he moved out and announced that we were separated.  He never mentioned a divorce and he seemed to imply that this was just a temporary thing.  No one cheated.  No one really did anything wrong (that I know of.)  It just seems to be that he is generally not happy.  At first, I expected that this all would pass in a relatively short amount of time.  I expected gradual progress followed by a reconciliation.  I’ve been disappointed that this is not what has happened.  I’ve tried to maintain a good attitude but lately, I have been down.  My husband and I get together every Sunday for church.  During lunch after church, I spilled everything to my husband.  I told him how much this has hurt me.  I told him how scared I was.  I told him that I was disappointed that something as subjective as not being happy would cause him to abandon me and his responsibilities.  I told him it was time to be an adult.  He got angry about this.  I know that honestly sometimes hurts.  So last night, I opened my heart again.  I told him that essentially, my heart was breaking and it was time to stop being indulgent and to start being responsible.  Today, my husband is not answering my calls.  I don’t understand this.  I thought you were supposed to be honest about your true feelings with your spouse, especially when you were having troubles.  But this is making things worse for me.  Why?  And does this means that I’m not supposed to share my feelings anymore?”

Why Full Disclosure Can Work Against You During A Separation: Let’s tackle one thing at a time.  The first thing I’ll look at is why he had a negative reaction to your being honest about your feelings.  Obviously, this is just going to be a guess on my part.  But anytime you make a spouse feel guilty or elicit negative feelings (especially if this is something that he may already feel, but is trying to repress,) then he may pull away because he does not want to feel the full weight of the guilt.

Deep down, he may fully realize that his inability to get it together is hurting every one, including himself.  He may not be very happy about this, as evidenced by his behavior.  And when you come along and put a little salt in the wound, he feels everything that he has been trying to avoid.  And this is dangerous because then he starts to associate these negative feelings with you and with your marriage.  Because of those negative associations, it is quite possible that he may start to lessen the amount that he sees or talks to you as a result.  He’s simply trying to avoid feeling more guilt or negative feelings.

Knowing When It’s Appropriate To Hold Back, Just A Little: Does this mean that you can’t or shouldn’t talk about your feelings?  Not necessarily.  It just means that perhaps you should be aware of the situation (and what he is feeling within it) and chose the very best time to speak.  Sometimes, it’s not the appropriate time to stress how unhappy he has made you.  When things are already tense and fragile between you, then sometimes, it makes sense to save the bad news for later – at least until things improve and then stabilize.

Be Cautious Of Talk That Is Not Followed By Action: Also, sometimes people who are separated become frustrated by the constant talking of feelings when all this talk does little to change things.  Sometimes, it gets to the point where people are looking for real change and nothing else.  They are seeking something that they can actually see and quantify.  It can get to the point where talking feels like you are only treading water and not making progress.

When you feel tempted to say something to him, ask yourself if there is any way to take action instead.  For example, if you are tempted to tell him that you’re losing patience with this whole process, see if instead you can do something to move things along.  Try to avoid the trap of sounding like you’re complaining rather than doing something.

I know that this may seem unfair.  It may appear that he is not thinking about this deeply, as you are.  But sometimes, when things are fragile between you, then you have to take very measured steps and you have to think carefully about what you do or say.  As unfair as all of this is, this type of strategic thinking really can make all of the difference.

I know that strategic thinking is a difficult lesson to learn because I learned it myself.  I had to train myself to hold back sometimes.  But as unfair as this was, it changed things in my separation.  When I learned to be deliberate and strategic, I took the first steps toward getting my husband back, although I didn’t know it at the time. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives who have been forced into a martial separation that they did not want make it their goal to  get a reconciliation as soon as possible.  And often the biggest question that you constantly have on your mind is: When?

You don’t want to be separated for one minute, for one hour, or for one day longer than you have to.  Because of this, it is normal to press your husband for a time-frame or a time-line.  You want to know when this is going to end.  You want to have a date to put on your calendar so that you can count down the days.  You tell yourself that if you only knew how long the separation was going to last, then you could handle it much better because you would at least know what to expect.

This is understandable and I think that the majority of wives feel this way. Unfortunately though, our husband doesn’t always play along.  He will sometimes resist being forced to give a time-line and will often tell you that he just doesn’t know how long the separation is going to last.  He will indicate to you that he just wants to see how it goes.

It could be explained this way: “when my husband moved out, he assured me that this should only be temporary.  He said that he felt that we needed some time apart in order to make our marriage fresh and new.  He said that the time away would renew our commitment to each other.  I guess I bought this because I wanted to.  I truly wanted to believe that this was going to be a short change.  But it has now been six weeks.  My husband hasn’t had any conversation with me about a reconciliation and  I am getting tired of waiting.  Last night, I asked him to share a time-line with me, but he resisted.  He said he can’t offer me any time-frame.  Because he just wants to see how things go and how we feel and he can’t guess about that.  I already know how I feel.  I am tired of being separated and I want to reconcile.   But he acts as if I am trying to force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do.  So I tried another tactic.  I asked him if he could guarantee me that the separation wouldn’t last for any longer than three more months.  He said that he hoped that it wouldn’t, but he could not make that type of guarantee.  I honestly don’t know how I will wait that long.  And I am suspicious about why he will not commit to a time-frame.  It makes me think that maybe he doesn’t plan to reconcile at all or that he is seeing someone else.  He says that neither of these things are true and that he does not like being pressured.   I do not know what to do at this point.  But just waiting is making me crazy.  I feel like it is too open ended.  Why will he not give me a time-frame for a reconciliation?”

Your question and frustration are both very common.  And there are a few potential reasons for your husband’s reluctance which I will discuss a little more below.  I can tell you that many men don’t want to feel pressured during their separation.  They want to take this time to evaluate and they feel that they can not do that when they are given an artificial deadline.   Many will tell you that the whole idea of the separation in the first place was to take this time for themselves.  So, they don’t want to feel as if this time is rushed or has a stop watch on the end of it.

Now, from your point of view, this has not been rushed because it has been weeks.  And it’s not fair to make you wait without any deadline. You have every right to want to have something to look forward to and to feel as if you are making progress.

A Compromise: It would seem that you have opposing viewpoints, but I do believe that you can compromise so that he doesn’t feel pressured and you don’t feel taken advantage of.  I think that one way to do this would be to openly discuss your progress at a certain time each week.  From my own experience, I firmly believe that you need a plan.  Because if you just leave things open ended, your separation could go on and on without any real change.

It’s important to keep setting goals and meeting these goals so that there is trackable progress.  Counseling is wonderful for this because you know that you have to be somewhere at a set time and that you will work on what is dividing you.  I know that not every one is going to be excited about counseling and if you can’t get him on board, at least find some self help so that you can have a plan in your own mind that you can work toward.

You have to be careful about applying pressure when you feel resistance.  But you do want to try to move forward as things progress and as you are able.

A Change Of Mindset: Finally, I think a change in mind set is every bit as important as having a plan. I think it really helps to stop focusing on TIME and to start focusing on PROGRESS.  If you can place your attention toward progress and can resolve those things that are making your husband reluctant to tell you when he’s coming home, then the time-frame will take care of itself.

And sometimes, when we place our focus solely on time, we take our focus away from actually addressing and solving the issues.  You are prioritizing the end product at the expense of what is truly important.   Your husband is likely waiting to see that progress before he makes a decision about time.  So right now, your focus should be on progress at first.

I know that you really want a firm time-frame for your reconciliation.  I wanted that too.  But the more I pushed, the more my husband resisted.  And the further apart we became.  I am suggesting that you at least consider if it makes sense to change your focus because that is what made all the difference in my case and actually got me the eventual reconciliation that I wanted.  The rest of it is at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s often not until you see your marriage fall apart before your eyes that you realize how good you used to have it.  The truth is, it can be very easy to take your spouse and your marriage for granted – until you are on the verge of losing both.  When you see just how bad this can get, you can be willing to do just about anything to fix it.  The problem is that your spouse isn’t always in agreement with this.

A wife might say: “our marriage is actually awful.  I don’t say this lightly.  But it is.  Frankly, it is terrible.  A couple of years ago, my husband put up some money in the stock market.  I knew that he was investing and I encouraged him to do so.  But, he made some quick money and he got over confident.  He risked more money than we had agreed upon.  Needless to say, we lost the money. Not only did he have to tell me what he did, but a little digging told me that this was not the first time he’d made investments without consulting me.  We lost our home because of this.  We had to move to a much less expensive home in a new school district.  We tried to keep our kids in the same school but got caught fudging our address.  Our kids had to switch schools mid year.  I can’t tell you the stress this put on our family.  Things got so bad that my husband lived with his brother for a while.  I have to admit that the worse things got, the more I blamed him for how horrible our lives had gotten and the more unkind I was to him. It got a point where I could not stand to look at him. That was an awful time period for all of us.  Well, as a result of all of this, one of our kids went through a really bad time and made some awful friends and started participating in risky behaviors.  My husband and I had to band together to get our child back on track. We noticed our child did better when he saw us getting along so my husband moved back in and we’ve been back together ever since.  I’m glad for this.  But the problem is that our marriage is not like it used to be.  I can stand to look at my husband these days.  But it’s not like we laugh and are so happy like we used to be.  I’ve mentioned this to my husband and I have asked him to work with me to rebuild my marriage.  He says that I am reading too much into things.  He says I am making work and problems when none are there.  He says I’m being nit picky.  I’m not.  I know our marriage can be better than this.  How do I show him that it would be worth it to rebuild our marriage?”

Try To Determine How He’s Interpreting Your Request: I get this question quite a bit.  I’ve had wives tell me that they’ve presented their husband with statistics showing that men who are happily married live longer and are more healthy.  Or, they will try to appeal to his sense of logic – telling him that they are modeling the type of marriage their children might one day have.  This doesn’t always work that well.  You can try to convince him in various ways.  But you often run into the same problem.  When you ask someone to “work” or “rebuild” the connotation is that it’s time to get down to work.  To labor.  To struggle.

And these things just don’t give most of us a warm and fuzzy feeling when most of us already have more than enough work on our plates.  Even if our husbands want a better marriage, many worry that we will put in all of this effort and still end up with the same marriage.  Many of them wonder why, if the commitment is there, do you need to go over the marriage with a fine tooth comb?

Doing The Initial Heavy Lifting To Get Him On Board: So how to get around this sort of skepticism?  You show him that it doesn’t have to be so hard and that the results are worth it.  You begin by doing some of the heavy lifting yourself.  You likely know your biggest issues.  I would suspect that in this case, it is the fact that there is a little leftover resentment and drudgery.  When money is tight, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of the status quo because there isn’t any money for fun extras or outings.  You’re just trying to survive, so for a while, you’re not concerned about the extra efforts that can make us feel special and connected.

That’s no reason to give up though.  As you’ve seen first hand, those efforts are worth it.  Giving your spouse a back rub or massage costs nothing.  You can usually rent a movie for a couple of dollars (or free if you get it from the library.)  Talking is free.  Taking a walk and holding hands means you can leave your wallet at home.  Start incorporating some of these things in your life.  Start giving to your spouse instead of asking of him – at least to start.

Why? Because he will see the results and he will see that the results are easy and inexpensive.  This is usually the quickest and easiest way to show him that rebuilding your marriage isn’t all that hard and is more than worth it.

I know that it may seem unfair to have to take the initiative, but it is worth it in the end.  I wish I would have taken the initiative before my husband left and we separated.  We did rebuild our marriage, but a lot of pain and time could have been avoided if he had rebuilt before it all came crashing down.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you had asked me the above question ten years ago, I would have thought it was silly.  I would have thought something like: “what do you mean how do you know if your husband wants out of your marriage?  You know because he will tell you.  You’ll know because he will start looking for another place to live.”  At least this is what I used to think back when I was very naive.  I used to foolishly believe that wives whose husbands want to leave the marriage know this without any doubt.  I used to think that it wasn’t a surprise when a man left.  Until it happened to me.  Now I realize that there were signs – but I missed the severity of them because I was under a huge amount of stress and because, well, I probably just didn’t want to see it.

But I believe that in some circumstances there are hard-to-read signs.  And while I know that you could straight out ask your husband if he wants out of your marriage, I understand why you’d first want to look for the signs instead.  Below are signs I’ve experienced or seen.  I can’t guarantee that they will be there in every situation. I also can’t guarantee that if you don’t see them, your marriage is fine.  Or that if you do see them, your marriage is in trouble.  I offer this just to give you something to think about or a starting point.  You know your husband and your marriage better than anyone else.

He’s No Longer Turning To You For A Variety Of Things:  I recently asked questioned someone about this very thing.  She suspected a problem in her marriage and I asked if her husband was no longer turning to her.  She really didn’t understand.  She said: “no longer turning to me for what?”  Really, it could be for everything or anything.  No longer turning to you as a confidant.  No longer turning to you for your opinion or advice.  No longer turning to you to listen.  No longer turning to you for affection or sex.

Now, these things don’t need to happen all at once.  And they are not always as obvious as they may seem.  In the time period before my separation, my husband was actually more sweet to me than normal because he was trying to reach out.  He didn’t want to feel what he was starting to feel.  And so he was trying to fix things with his own welcoming behavior. Sometimes, a separation comes as a big shock because your husband is still at the “reaching out point.”

But after that, he begins to pull away.  If he doesn’t get positive feedback from his attempts to reach out, that’s when he’ll stop turning to you.  This might be subtle.  He may start going out with his friends because now he is reaching out to them for fun or support instead of you.  Or, he may talk about his job to his sister instead of you.  He is doing this (even if he doesn’t realize it) because he is trying to replace these roles in his life.

He Doesn’t Want To Make Plans For The Future:  Right before my husband left, I began to get a vibe that all was not right.  Yes, I was way-late with this vibe.  But I did get a whiff of it right beforehand.  At that point, I told myself that my husband and I were way too busy and stressed and I suggested (way too late) that we plan a trip to just get away.  My husband would not commit to that and I could not understand why.  I suggested going to places I knew that he had loved in the past. And still, he didn’t want to make plans.  He said why don’t we just wait and see what happens. Of course, he knew what was going to happen.  I was slower on the uptake.

You may see this manifest itself in all sorts of ways – him being reluctant to buy a home, start a family, or make long-term decisions or commitments when it comes to you or your marriage.  But a man who knows that he may not be in the marriage in the future is often not willing to make plans or commitments that will occur in that same future.

He’s Acting Overly Critical, Sad, Or Depressed:  Looking back now, I can see that in the days leading up to my husband leaving, he seemed off.  I remember him making comments about how disappointing it was to be an adult sometimes.  Or how his life was not turning out as he envisioned it.  Interestingly enough, he didn’t really link our marriage or me to these disappointments.  But I probably should or could have read between the lines.  Often, a man contemplating a major life change like a separation will have some sadness or mixed feelings.  And you may see that come out in a variety of ways.

Often, he thinks that the separation is going to improve what is wrong with his life.  Unfortunately, some men will leave when their problems don’t have anything to do with their marriage.  And they don’t figure this out until the damage has already been done.

These are just three of some of the biggest warning signs that I see.  If you’re seeing them in your own marriage, it certainly doesn’t mean that your husband is going to leave or that he wants out immediately.  But I don’t think it hurts to give your marriage a dose of extra attention and care if you are seeing them.  Things turned out OK for us in the end, but I sure wish I’d paid more attention to the signs. It would have saved a lot of time and pain.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who don’t feel completely appreciated by their spouse.  And, this complaint can come from both a husband and a wife. It is not limited to one particular sex or gender. However, I find that women tend to feel unappreciated a bit more since household and child-rearing tasks often fall to them (or are expected to.) This can change the way that you feel about or see yourself. Or, worse about how your spouse sees you.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I don’t believe that my husband sees my total worth. I am better educated than he is. Before we had our children, I actually made more money than him. But after we had twins, the daycare was so expensive that it just didn’t make sense for both of us to work only to use most of our paycheck for child care expenses while someone else was raising our children. I was willing to take a break from my career. I don’t regret doing that. What I regret is that this has changed the way that my husband sees me. He no longer consults me about our finances. He always assumes that we are going to visit or spend holidays with his own parents. He decides where we will go on vacation. If the kids are particularly grouchy when he gets home, he seems to act like it’s my fault. He used to talk to me about things that happened at work. Now he seems to act as if I couldn’t possibly understand his career. He seems to think I’ve dumbed down since I’ve become a mother. I am seriously disturbed about this. I worry that he doesn’t respect me or see my worth so that he will eventually cheat. Or I worry that I will eventually get sick of not being appreciated and leave. Either way, I feel like our marriage is in trouble. How can I make him see my worth?”

Let Him Walk In Your Shoes: I understand your concern and I think it is legitimate. I’d suggest a couple of things. First of all, it’s very common for us to not have much of an idea of everything our spouse does. This doesn’t make us bad people. It just means that we can’t possibly guess at all the things that our spouse does on a daily basis until we’ve actually walked in their shoes. For example, my husband had a back issue in the past and this kept him from taking care of the lawn and cars – which are normally tasks that he takes care of without complaint. To be quite honest, I’ve never thanked him for doing this. I didn’t give it a lot of thought. But when I had to mow the yard and take the cars to get serviced and do a million other things like taking out the trash, raking leaves, and cleaning out drains, boy did I have a new appreciation for my husband. In the evening after I had to do many of these tasks myself, I made him his favorite meal and I gave him a very long back rub and a heartfelt thank you. And now I thank him when he takes care of things that I normally don’t think about. I don’t take these tasks for granted anymore. And I wasn’t a horrible wife for doing it before. I just didn’t know.

I suspect if you gave your husband a little walk in your shoes, he might have the same reaction that I did. Perhaps you can arrange to spend time with family or friends. Perhaps there’s an issue with one of your close friends or family members that could use your help. Ask your husband to watch the kids while you help out. I suspect that if you do, he will quickly learn all the tasks that you take care of. He will see how challenging your day to day tasks truly are. And he will learn that cranky children sometimes don’t have anything to do with that child’s’ caretaker or upbringing. If you do this enough, he will likely appreciate what you do so much more. And quite frankly, it is good for him to spend one on one time with your children.

Find An Outlet: Another thing that I would suggest is to give yourself some sort of outlet. Sure, you’re not going to an office, but you have to give yourself something that is only yours. A friend of mine launched an Etsy store when she was a stay-at-home mom. It didn’t make her a lot of money at first. But it gave her something that was hers alone and she was able to release stress this way. Plus, she loved making her own money. Even if it wasn’t a lot. Eventually, her business grew. And now her kids are in school and she’s making decent money so that she doesn’t have to seek a job outside her home.  This works very well for her family.

You don’t have to make money to find an outlet. Even if it’s just taking up a hobby that gets you out of the house and gives you a chance to express yourself outside of being someone’s parent or spouse. This will allow your spouse to see that you still respect yourself enough to have a life outside of the kids. He will see that you still need and want an intellectual outlet.

Finally, you may have to speak up if something is bothering you. When he doesn’t consult you, then you might try something: “well don’t you want to hear my opinion on this? Isn’t this a joint decision? I may be home now but I’m still an equal part of the equation. Here is what I think.”

Sometimes, you have to be assertive to sort of ask for that respect back. You do have some say in your role. You don’t have to settle for feeling like a second-class citizen. Finally, some of this is how we see ourselves. Do not apologize for staying home. Know that you are doing the most important job in the world. If someone makes you feel less than your own worth, correct them. And hold your head high. When other people see that you are still bright, active, and involved, then they will eventually get the hint and treat you that way.

I sometimes work from home. As a result, people often think I don’t work as much as I do.  I’m always very careful to correct them.  It’s important for me to assert myself.  I work as hard as anyone else.  When my husband and I separated, he had a tendency to talk down to me because I annoyed him with my negative behavior. But this was still not okay.  If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one will. But you can stand up for yourself without alienating your spouse.  You’re welcome to read more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: This is one of the most common questions that I hear. Many wives desperately want to reconcile with their separated husband. And they are willing to try many avenues in order to make that happen. The problem is that the husband often acts very disinterested in whatever is attempted.

So one might explain: “I am out of ideas on how to reconcile with my separated husband. I have asked him on dates. I have asked him to attend family functions. I’ve invited him to school functions. I’ve come over to his house unannounced wearing nothing underneath a coat. I’ve picked fights. I’ve tried being nice and I’ve tried being mean. Nothing works. I want to reconcile so badly. But I’m not sure how I will ever accomplish this when he is not interested in anything at all when it comes to me.”

What I’m about to give you are just observations and suggestions, so please take this for what it is worth. I’m not a counselor or mental health specialist and I do not know your husband. You would be the best judge of what sort of tactic he might be receptive to.  That said, let’s get down to it.

Consider It From Another Angle: Here are my insights, for what they are worth.  In my own case, I tried many of the things that you mention above. They got me nowhere. If anything, they just annoyed my husband and made things worse and worse for me. One day, it dawned on me that I was only considering what I wanted. Until then, I had never really considered what my husband wanted. And I figured that this might be the source of my problem. It’s just human nature to resist anyone who you think is self-centered and who is not listening to you.

Determining What He Really Wants Is Quite Helpful: So I asked myself what my husband really wanted. The fact of the matter is, he had told me EXACTLY what he wanted – many times, in fact. He said that he wanted space. I did not want to believe this. And I did not want to give him space. But I had to admit that my constantly reaching out to him was not working. It never had. And it seemed to be making things worse.

Carrying Out Any Strategy In A Believable Way: So I decided to try giving him what he wanted. Now, some people will do this very abruptly without explanation. They will go cold turkey, so to speak. I rejected this strategy because I thought my husband might perceive it as rude or punishing. And I was not sure that I could pull it off anyway.

So what I did instead was to visit my old hometown and put some distance between us. This gave him some space but it also gave me a legitimate reason for my actions and it meant that I literally could not just stop by, unless I wanted to drive hours to do so. I told my husband where I was going.  I was not disrespectful.

And frankly, after a short time of him getting his space, he started reaching out to me. This gave me an “in,” but it didn’t fix all of our problems.

I think when you are dealing with a reluctant spouse, you need to first figure out what they really want and then use that as a guide. Then I think that you need to make sure you aren’t coming on too strong or doing something that they are repeatedly rejecting.

Making The Most Of What You’ve Got: Once you’ve established your plan and you’re seeing progress, you have to make the very most of every opportunity you have. I know that you may not be seeing him regularly. But if you have the opportunity, try to talk at least occasionally. If you are no longer coming on too strong, you may find that he’s no longer as combative or disinterested. Once he gets a little more of what he has asked for, he will usually back off on the rejection because you’re no longer asking him to do what he doesn’t want to do.

Once you’ve made that kind of progress, resist the urge to fix every marital problem in order to rush toward a reconciliation. This is very delicate. You have to be deliberate and not push. In the beginning, just focus on getting him receptive again. Then, focus on the quality of your interactions – because they will ensure that the quantity of interaction improves also.

This is only my opinion. But in my own scenario, only when it was obvious that my husband was receptive and interested again would I attempt to tackle the “heavy lifting” so to speak where you go in and truly try to erase your martial problems. In the beginning, things are often a little awkward so your relationship may not withstand that type of scrutiny.  (Of course, when you are more stable, you can tackle the issues at a later time.)

Take it one step a time and move forward as you are able. I know that this requires patience and it may even seem a little risky. But you have to ask yourself if what you are doing now is working or not. If it truly isn’t, then it doesn’t make sense to keep going down a path that gets you further and further away from what you want.  If patience is a problem, use the time to work on yourself.  This will only benefit you.

I was reluctant to work on myself for quite a while.  I was afraid that if I turned my attention toward myself and away from constantly monitoring my husband, I might make things worse.  Nothing was further from the truth.  Backing away a little bit eventually made things better.  And I think if I had stayed on my old path, I might be divorced today.   The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse moves out, it can be an extremely scary time. It’s natural to assume that talks of a divorce might just be imminent. After all, a person who is happily married isn’t likely to move out. It’s a person who isn’t sure that they want their marriage anymore who just might. Often, the spouse who hasn’t moved out (and who is likely still invested in their marriage and who wants to save it) desperately wants to know if a divorce is forthcoming. But, they are understandably afraid to ask.

So I might hear from a wife who says: “my heart broke when my husband left me. I knew that he wasn’t one hundred percent happy and that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to continue with our marriage. But I figured he would keep trying to make things work rather than just abruptly move out. Still, I know that I can not control what he does. So now I just have to try and make the best of it. He really doesn’t initiate seeing me all that much, although he does check in from time to time. Every time I hear a car door close outside of my house, I am sure that it is a process server getting ready to serve me with divorce papers. But so far, that has not happened. As best as I can tell, my husband has not filed for a divorce. I am reluctant to ask him if he is going to. My question is how do I know if he is going to file? Are there any signs that I should be looking for?”

Don’t Automatically Assume A Divorce Is Forthcoming: Not all people who leave their spouse or who initiate a separation are absolutely sure that they want a divorce. Some of them don’t yet know what they want. All that they are sure of is that they feel that they need a break from their current situation or they want to see if living apart for a while might change or improve things. That is not to say that they absolutely won’t want a divorce, because some do eventually file for one. But the point is that not every person who separates from or leaves their spouse is going to one day file for divorce. Some spouses do eventually reconcile and remain married.

Signs That He’s Considering Filing: As far as what signs to look for, they vary depending upon the people involved and depending on the marriage. You might see the person who moved out open up their own bank account or begin separating assets. You may see them begin to live their life as a single person. You may see them finding out about the process of taking you off of their insurance policies at work.  None of these things mean with absolutely certainty that you are going to get divorced.  But they may mean that he is thinking about it.

Trying To Prevent The Divorce That You Fear: If you are still invested in your marriage, there are some things that you can try in order to avoid a divorce. You can try to look very honestly at why your spouse might have left. If there are any problems that you can address or fix, then now is probably the time to attempt that. If you are able to regularly see or talk to your spouse, now is the time to take advantage of those opportunities to see if you can reestablish a connection.

People often ask me if they should just come right out and ask their separated spouse if he is going to pursue a divorce. That really does depend upon if you think you are going to be able to ask the question without making a bad situation worse. You don’t want to make it sound as if you are demanding an answer or necessarily want a quick resolution. And you don’t want to make it seem like you are pressuring him. Because all of these things can make the situation worse and can make him actually filing much more likely, even if that was never his intention right now.

If you feel like you have to ask, you might try something like: “believe me when I say that I’m not trying to pressure you at all. That is the last thing that I want. But, for planning purposes, I was wondering what your plans are going forward. Because I am hoping that there is still time for us to address what has made you so unhappy and to fix it. I don’t want our marriage to end. I’d like the opportunity to save it. And I hope that the fact that you haven’t yet filed for divorce means that I will have that opportunity.”

He may respond by offering you reassurance that he is not filing any time soon. Or, he may tell you that he just doesn’t know. If his response isn’t what you were hoping for, try very hard not to panic and apply any pressure. And realize that you do have the option of not even bringing this up if you think that it might make things worse. Because it’s important to remember that a separation does not guarantee a divorce. Many people (myself included) are able to avoid a divorce because they are able to improve their marriage during the separation.

I will admit that I did assume that I was getting a divorce when my husband moved out.  But I told myself that I would try some things before I gave up.  Ultimately, the things that I thought would work did not.  And the thing I thought would never work actually did.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse pursues a separation, it’s natural to be concerned about his motivations.  One common concern that I hear a lot about comes from women who are concerned that their husband truly wants a divorce because he wants to start seeing other women.

These concerns are understandable. And it’s also understandable to want to follow up and to regularly ask him what he’s feeling or doing while you are apart. Some husbands are honest in their responses. But many are less than direct. And while he may not blatantly lie to you, very few husbands will tell you everything.

Here’s a common situation. Someone might say: “When my husband said he wanted a separation, he assured me that he had no interest in seeing other people or in ending our marriage. He said he just needed his own space for a while. He said that he still loved me and he knew that this was going to be hard on both of us. I want to start a family and he said he felt we needed to get our marriage on track before we did this. I felt I had no choice regarding the separation, so I reluctantly agreed. Last week, I asked him if he had weekend plans. He told me no. He said that he was very lonely, but that he was just going to stay home and catch up on some things. I felt sorry for him. He seemed down. The next day, I heard from friends that they saw him out with his family and friends. They said he was laughing and appeared to be having a wonderful time. His version to me was that he stayed home and battled his loneliness. This wasn’t even remotely true. Why not just tell the truth? He was out with his family and some friends that I know well. It wasn’t like he was necessarily doing anything wrong. I guess he didn’t want me to know that he was happy and having fun. But why lie? It makes me wonder what else he might be lying about.”

Potential Reasons That He might Not Have Been Completely Forthcoming: I totally understand the concern. I had the same types of concerns myself during my own separation. It may or may not help you to know that this is very common. Sometimes, husbands suspect that we wives are going to overanalyze everything that they tell us, so they prefer to keep some things private, even if these things are innocent.

Also, he might have known that it would be a little awkward if you knew that there was a family outing where you were absent.  He may have been trying to spare you any worries or questions about that.  And he may have wanted you to think that life was not so great without you.

He might have worried that you would have assumed that he was living it up by going out when perhaps that wasn’t the case.  So to keep him from having to repeatedly explain or to keep you from you being hurt, he thought it best to say nothing.

Was this right on his part?  No, he was being untruthful by definition.  But he may have found it easier to withhold information than to have to explain something innocent.

Moving Forward: Understanding that, you might understandably still be concerned about how to handle this moving forward.  You may question whether you should confront him, and whether or not you need to demand more information.

I do not think that there is any harm in mentioning this to him.  But I’m not sure that you want to angrily accuse him of lying.  You might just mention that a friend saw him with his family and then casually ask how his family is doing.  This leaves him the opportunity to explain his oversight if he feels it is necessary.  And it gives you a good opening to stress that you don’t want for him to feel that he has to keep things from you to spare your feelings.

I think that you deserve the absolute truth with regard to whether he is seeing anyone else.  I feel that this is non-negotiable.  But it’s very common for men not to overshare regarding their feelings and casual outings.  They often know that you may worry about things that aren’t an issue.  And they simply don’t want to have to explain the feelings that may change from one day to the next.  In their eyes, they aren’t necessarily lying, they are just trying to keep from having to struggle to explain what is tough to communicate.

It’s up to you how big of an issue you want to make this.  If he had been out on a date, I could certainly understand making it a big issue.  But since he was out with his family, I think that I’d try to establish boundaries and stress that he doesn’t need to keep things from you.   Try to keep it casual.  Because if you sound like you’re accusing him or you make a big deal of it, then sometimes it becomes more likely that he will be even more secretive in the future.

And you want the opposite to happen.  You want to make it clear that he can tell you the truth without it needing to become a big issue.  When he sees that being forthcoming makes his life easier rather than harder, he will be more more likely to open up.

This was a big issue during my own separation.  I took to nagging and constantly questioning my husband so that he buttoned up even more.  I had to change my strategy to change this dynamic.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse tells you that he is no longer invested in your marriage, it can become very easy to get down on the whole situation and to begin to feel somewhat helpless. One reason for this is that you can feel a lack of control. It can feel as if no matter what you do or say, this is all out of your hands.

For example, you might hear a wife say something like, “Three weeks ago, my husband told me that he suspected he may not want our marriage anymore. He said that after dating me for nearly ten years and being married to me for four, he feels as if our relationship has run its course. It hurts me to hear him say this, but it doesn’t surprise me. Because of our finances, my husband had to drop out of college and take on two part-time jobs. The stress level has been incredibly hard on us. And for the past seven months after he left school, I have watched him withdrawal from the things that used to make him happy. I have encouraged him to reach out to our extended families and to take some correspondence courses, but none of this has helped. He seems to be sinking deeper and deeper into despair and now he seems to think that I am part of his problems. I have tried to offer to work on our marriage. I have tried to make him happy in multiple ways. But nothing has worked and now I feel as if I have to sit by and watch helplessly as my husband abandons our marriage. I feel as if there is nothing that I can do but just watch this happen.”

Watch His Perceptions Of Pressure: I know how this feels. When my husband and I separated, I often felt that there wasn’t much I could do but just witness this event helplessly and feel all sorts of frustration. In fact, I tried numerous things to get my husband interested in our marriage again. But looking back at it now, the more I did this, the more pressured my husband felt and the more it appeared to him that I was making demands. This only increased his stress level and, as a result, he pulled further and further away from me.

You Have More Control Than You Think. So Take Control Over What You Can: This cycle continued on and on until I complained to a therapist that I had no control over what was happening to me. She told me that I was wrong. She told me that we are all responsible for our own happiness and our own experiences. And although she conceded that I was going through a tough time in my marriage, she stressed that there were other aspects to my life outside of my marriage. And she challenged me that if I addressed these other areas, it would likely either help my marriage or make my marital issues not seem so dire.

At first, I was frankly annoyed at this advice. My marriage was falling apart and suddenly she wanted me to take up hobbies and volunteer my time when I couldn’t complete a positive thought? This angered me. But things in my marriage made it so that I really had no choice but to leave my husband alone for a while. And suddenly, I had quite a bit of time on my hands which needed to be filled. Staring at my four walls and feeling lonely wasn’t working for me. So, I went to my parents’ for a while and I reconnected with family and friends. Some of those same friends got me involved in activities that at least kept me active and engaged with my own life. Helping others made me feel needed and worthwhile. And even though my marriage wasn’t going in the way that I would have liked, I no longer felt helpless about my life.

Helping Yourself And Improving Your Outlook CAN Help Your Marriage: This was a huge turning point and transformation. I am not going to tell you that suddenly I was OK with my husband all but rejecting me and my marriage. I most certainly wasn’t. But I had some important realizations. I had my health. I had friends and family who loved me. I had a career that I was starting to love. My marriage was one aspect of my life where things weren’t going well and where I felt hopeless. But in other aspects of my life, I had a lot of reason to feel hope. And I learned that if I focused on those things while giving my husband time, this, in turn, helped my marriage.

I learned a very important truth. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and well being, this takes a huge amount of pressure and stress off of your spouse. It also shows him that you respect yourself. This usually makes him respect you more. And frankly, if he is having some personal struggles, as my husband was, seeing you turn around your own happiness level will often inspire him to be open to doing the same.

I can’t promise you that feeling hope in other areas of your life will make your husband seek help for his own happiness level and then make him realize that your marriage isn’t the problem. This is a jump. It happens for some. But not for all. Still, it can’t hurt. It will likely make you feel better and alleviate some stress.

Understand That You Have Advantages And Resources: And I know first hand that feeling helpless isn’t good, healthy, or advisable for anyone involved. If you are reading this article, that means that you have resources for access to the internet, your eyesight, your ability to read and process information, and likely good enough health to support all of this. And, that in itself is a reason to feel hope.

I’d also be willing to bet that you have people who love you, a vocation or calling that sustains you, and places where you can help others. Sure, your marriage may not be where you want it to be. But you can not control what your husband does. However, you can control how you respond to your circumstances. And one response encourages hope while another discourages it.

I don’t mean to make this sound overly simplistic because it isn’t simple or easy.  But finding hope outside of your troubles will often, in turn, help those troubles.  Or will at least make you feel better. You’re welcome to read more about my own process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they are walking on egg shells during their marital or trial separation.  They feel as if they can not be themselves.  Because when they listen to their gut and reach out to their husband, they are either rejected or they get the distinct impression that this was the wrong thing to do.

They may be discouraged about this, but eventually, they may try again – only to have the very same thing happen.  They can begin to feel as if they can not do anything right and that perhaps they should do the opposite of what their gut is telling them to do.

Someone might say: “things have not gone well during my separation.  At every turn, I am doing the wrong thing.  I am a very warm person and I like to take care of my husband.  Last weekend, I made him his favorite meal and took it over to his place.  I had no intention to stay.  I was just going to drop it off and go.  I wanted him to just see it as a thoughtful gesture to let him know that I care.  But when I got there to drop it off, he was very cold to me. I called him on the phone later and he did not sound at all happy to hear from me.  When I asked what was wrong, he sarcastically asked me if I know what ‘a break’ meant.  Later, I heard from mutual friends that my husband got an assignment that he has been coveting for work.  I called him to congratulate him and he seemed annoyed that I did not wait for him to call me and let me know himself.  Finally, yesterday, I got a recall letter about his car in the mail and I was worried and wanted him to service the car immediately.  So I took the letter over so that he would have it for the dealer.  He didn’t seem happy about this either.  I was talking to one of my friends about this and she said that I am going to have to train myself do the opposite of what I’m thinking since everything that I do is wrong.  Is this true?  Does that mean that every time I want or need to reach out to my husband, I am to do the opposite?”

I am not sure that you need to think in such dire terms.  Because there are times when you legitimately need to reach out to your husband and you can’t limit yourself so severely that this isn’t available to you.   There’s no need to take it so far that you feel that you can no longer trust your own judgement or have free will.

At the same time, I understand feeling as if your own actions are working against you.  This happened to me also.  And I did have to back off during my own separation because my clinginess had my husband avoiding me.

I eventually realized that we would never reconcile if we could not interact in a positive way.  And if I had stayed on the path that I was on – where I was calling or trying to reach out more than once per day (even when my husband made it clear that he wasn’t receptive) – I do believe that I may not still be married today.

I did have to decide to let my husband reach out to me sometimes.  I did have to stop myself from repeatedly texting and dropping by.  I did have to limit the calls so that he could have that space which he wanted so badly.  And I can tell you that it was not easy.  I was in a panic that as soon as I backed off, he would almost forget about me and move further away.  Reaching out to him gave me a sense of control, at least somewhat.  And I was so afraid of losing this and feeling completely out of control.

But what I discovered was that when I did give the space, my husband responded very favorably.  When I focused on myself and on other things in my life, my husband saw that I had some self respect and this encouraged him to respect me in kind.

After a while, he was about twice as much receptive to me and it was eventually him who was calling and reaching out to me.  Sometimes, you just have to let the time work for you instead of against you.  And I realize that this is extremely scary.  But what other choice do you have when you are getting a very negative reaction?

So no, I don’t think that you have to give yourself the very drastic directive that you’re going to do the opposite of what your gut is telling you to do.  You don’t want to just shut down your intuition.  But I do think that you want to pause and ask yourself if what you’re about to do is really necessary.  You want to remind yourself of his need for space.  And you want to ask yourself when was the last time he reached out to you and whether or not it is his turn.

Sometimes, you have to loosen your grip to actually gain any ground. I learned this the hard way.  I annoyed and badgered my own separated husband so much that I almost ruined any chance of a reconciliation.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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