Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated, often one of your short term goals is getting your separated spouse to miss you. This is a short term goal that you are often hoping will lead to the long term goal of getting him back home or pursuing a reconciliation. Many people hope and assume that this is going to be automatic. After all, when you’ve been with your spouse for a very long time, it just makes sense that you would miss one another simply out of habit. When this doesn’t happen or when one of the spouses indicates that it takes effort, then worries can take hold.

A wife might say: “my husband left me for reasons that seem pretty obscure and selfish to me. He’s suddenly just not happy and he ‘wants to be selfish for a while and just focus on himself.’ I would never just walk out on my marriage to ‘find myself’ but I guess that’s where he and I differ. All along, my friends have been telling me that in a very short period of time, he will start missing me and he will understand how silly he is being about this whole thing. I had suspected and hoped that they would be right. My husband depends on me to take care a lot of things for him and I suspected that once I wasn’t there anymore, he might really struggle to fill that void. So I waited and I was looking for signs that he missed me. Quite frankly, I really didn’t see any. He never called me. I always had to call him. Then one day I got frustrated and I straight out asked him if he missed me. His response was: ‘I’m really trying. I think that we just have to be patient.’ Trying? He’s trying to miss me? What in the world does this mean? Why would a husband have to ‘try’ to miss his wife? Unless he just doesn’t love her anymore so that no matter what happens, he’s not going to miss her and is just going to be glad to be rid of her? Now that I’m digesting this wonderful bit of bad news, I’m starting to think that my marriage is over.”

I understand why this is so discouraging. It’s not what you’d hoped for. I know first hand that many of us who separate are hoping that the distance really does a lot of the work for us. But when this doesn’t happen, we make unfortunate assumptions about our separation and therefore about our marriage. I don’t know your husband and I am certainly no expert, but when he says ‘I’m trying,’ you could take that in a couple of different ways.

First, he might mean that not enough time has passed for him to process everything that is happening. Sometimes, especially when it is soon after the separation, what you feel is raw and sort of numb – even if you are the one who initiated the separation. Because you’re sort of just blank, you aren’t feeling longing yet which means that you can’t yet miss the person. Sometimes, all that is needed is more time. Another thing that you may want to consider is how much you are reaching out. If it is too much, this makes it more difficult for him to miss you because he hasn’t yet had that pause or that void. I don’t know how often you’re talking, but I did notice a mention that the wife was the one who always called. I don’t know how frequent this is, but if your husband doesn’t seem happy to hear from you and is always making excuses when you call, then maybe you back off on this schedule a little and see if the quiet will give him more of an opportunity to miss you.

Because when he says ‘I’m trying,’ what he might really mean is that he’s trying, but when you are calling all of the time, this really doesn’t give him the opportunity to see how he feels when he is not in constant contact. I know that it’s hard when you’re missing him and you’re wondering how he is doing and what he is feeling. I know that hanging back when you feel like calling seems counterintuitive. But sometimes, this is the best thing you can do when the contact seems to be too much, at least in his eyes.

I’m not telling you not to communicate with him at all, to ignore him, or to pretend that you no longer care. I’m just suggesting that if what you’re doing now isn’t working as you would like for it to, perhaps you try reaching out a little less to see if that makes him happier to hear from you and to miss you a little more.

I had to do this during my own separation, although I was basically just throwing up my hands in frustration rather than following any specific plan.  No one was more shocked than I was when it actually began to work.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes when we are going through a trial or a marital separation, our greatest hope if that our husband is going to miss us right away and that we won’t have to wait too long until we are able to reconcile.  It’s hard to be patient during this process.  And you may find yourself overanalyzing any little thing that your husband says or does as proof that he is beginning to miss you.  When you don’t see these signs or find them ambiguous, it can be very tempting to just come out and ask him if he misses you.  And that is what many of us do.  But we don’t always like his answer.

It could be explained this way: “I’m not exaggerating when I say that the day that my husband moved out was one of the worst days of my life.  I knew that it might happen because he’d been talking about how unhappy he was.  But I had hoped that he would have decided that we should try to work it out BEFORE we separated.  He didn’t make that decision, though.  Instead he seemed to think that we should separate right away so he could see how this made him feel.  One of my friends tried to comfort me by saying that she knew he was going to miss me almost immediately and then he would come crawling back.  Well, it’s been three weeks and that has not happened yet.  We talk every couple of days, but by no means does he seem to be longing for me in any way.  When we talk, I try to drop hints about how much I’m missing him in the hopes that he will respond in kind.  He never does.  He changes the subject or asks after my family.  Finally, I got tired of just hinting around so I blurted out ‘don’t you miss me at all?’ He had me repeat myself, as if he didn’t hear, or he didn’t understand what I had said.  And then his response to me was ‘I haven’t had time to miss you.  That’s a ridiculous question so early in the process.’ So by that response, he seems to be claiming not to miss me.  And I find myself wondering how that could even be possible.  I mean, when I moved out of my mother’s house, I missed her even though we clashed at times.  So I find it a little unrealistic to think that he just doesn’t miss me at all.  Could he be pretending so that I don’t read too much into it?”

Are You Giving Him The Opportunity?: Anything is possible.  I can say that during my own separation, I honestly don’t believe that my husband truly missed me until I gave him the opportunity to do so.  What I mean by this is that I truly was not giving him the space that he had asked for.  I was always calling, texting, or coming by.  He became frustrated by this and saw it as a bit of a nuisance.  Therefore, I was not creating the scenario whereby he could miss me.  Once I forced myself to step back a bit, that was the time period when he started to become more open to those feelings.

I am not telling you that this is what is happening in your case.  I can’t possibly know that.  But I gently suggesting that you take an honest look and ask yourself if it’s possible.  If he’s telling you that he doesn’t miss you, then it makes sense to ask yourself if you have given him the opportunity to do so.

And by “opportunity,” I don’t mean ignoring him or not being in touch at all.  You never have to take it too far.  I just mean placing more of your focus on yourself and less of your focus on him.  This allows him to sit with himself only. Many times, he finds that lonely rather than freeing.

The Possibility Of Pretending Or Posturing: Of course, there is the possibility that he does miss you, but he doesn’t want you to know that just yet. Perhaps he is afraid that if you have this knowledge, you will push for a reconciliation before he is ready to give it to you.  Or perhaps he’s afraid that you will give him less space.  Whatever the reason, his denial may well mean that he simply wants more time.

I don’t think that you have to make dire predictions or assume the worst.  It simply means that for now, you have to hang tight and set up the scenario to be more favorable.  You may also have to have a little more patience.  I know that this is difficult.  I have been there.  And I remember a time when I thought my husband would never miss or want me again.  My backing off was frankly out of desperation at times.  Luckily, I was wrong in my defeatist thinking. We are still together today.  I just needed a better strategy and a little more time.  You can read about the outcome on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives spend a lot of time fantasizing about their separated husbands coming home. And, to make that happen, they also spend a lot of time cultivating the plan which they believe is most likely to work. Many understandably think that once they can overcome that seemingly insurmountable hurdle, hopefully all can be fine and they can start to move on with their lives. In order to keep yourself hopeful and working hard to make this happen, you often don’t allow your mind to think about his homecoming being anything but happy or smooth. Sometimes though, he comes home and he isn’t acting in the way that you hoped. He’s acting reluctant to be there, cold, and distant.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband and I were separated for almost seven months. It was a horrible time for our family. For my kids sake, I downplayed it and I acted confident that he would come back soon. But I honestly had started to have my doubts. I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to keep my family together. And I have done that. I never once completely gave up on my marriage. I never once gave up on my husband – even when his behavior seemed to be urging me to do so. I counted down the days until I could get him home and I was certain that once I did, I would have my life back. I actually pictured us having a second honeymoon of sorts. Unfortunately, this isn’t how it all worked out. He is back. And I am thrilled about that. But it’s pretty clear that he is less than happy to be here. He isn’t really engaged with the family. He’s loving to the kids and I’m glad. But he doesn’t act the same way toward me. He’s extremely distant and he pulls away every chance he gets. It’s not like he’s angry or that I have done anything wrong. It’s just like he’s participating as an outsider who doesn’t seem invested. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he says that I expect too much. Will this get better? Will he stop being so distant to me?”

That’s difficult to predict, but I can tell you it’s my opinion and observation that there most definitely can be an adjustment period when a separated spouse comes home. It is normal for one or both people to be a little guarded because they don’t necessarily know what to expect. They dread failure. They know that there is so much on the line. And they may be acutely aware that despite their best efforts, things have changed. It’s going to feel awkward coming back home when you’ve been gone for seven months.

I know that it may be tempting to demand to know why he’s acting so distant or to attempt to make him feel guilty about it so that he will overcompensate and be more present. But I’m not sure that you want him to have to pretend to do or feel anything in his own home. I don’t think that there is any need to panic right away. You don’t want to put more pressure onto the situation. That may just cause him to retreat even further.

I know that this is difficult. I’ve been there too. But in my experience, it’s better to try to create a relaxed atmosphere and let things just develop. If you feel that too much time has gone by and you haven’t made progress, then perhaps counseling would be a better option than trying to decipher what he is feeling on your own.  It may also be better than trying to make him feel guilty because he is not acting as you think he should or how you had hoped.

The transition period between separation and reconciliation does not always go as smoothly as we assume or hope. This can be especially true if one or both spouses applied pressure for the reconciliation to happen before it was quite ready to happen. None of this means that you are doomed to fail, though. Your really are just beginning, so don’t let your worry about a future that you can’t possibly predict become a self fulfilling prophecy. He may be distant now, but if you can create a relaxed environment conducive to taking things one day at a time, you might find that he relaxes and settles in relatively soon.

Sometimes, people distance themselves when they know that there is so much on the line. It is a defense mechanism meant to keep them from getting hurt or from being disappointed. They figure if they hold themselves back from investing too much, then it won’t hurt as much when they fail. Your job then, is to show him in a low pressure way that you can be successful. And that if you work together, neither of you will need to be worried about failure.

I had these same worries when my husband came home and I tried to delay his homecoming until I felt deeply that it was right between us.  Because no matter how much you plan and anticipate, there is sometimes setbacks anyway.  But that is life.  And that is marriage.  And sometimes you have to just relax and have some faith and watch as things unfold.  Sometimes, you are pleasantly surprised to find that your worry was all for nothing. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There are some common reasons for the decay of a marriage that are just reluctantly accepted.  Examples are “growing apart” or “falling out of love.”  There are other reasons for the decay of a marriage that are taboo and not at all understood –  like children coming between you or struggling to regain the intimacy that you shared before children.

This is something that people rarely like to talk about or even admit to – but I hear about it more often than you might think.  It’s my opinion (and I’m certainly not an expert) that this problem is the most common when the children are very young or are teenagers or leaving the home.  Because these are the periods of time when a child can cause the most disruption in your marriage and the most stress or conflict between you.

A wife might explain a scenario like this one: “I noticed my marriage change when my son was about six weeks old.  However, I did not want to see this.  I figured that stress and an adjustment period was going to be normal as neither my husband or I had ever dealt with children before.  My son was colicky and we were definitely sleep deprived.  In those early months, there were days when it felt like we were barely hanging on.  When my son was about three months old, my husband started going out with his friends much more.  This hurt me very badly because I felt abandoned.  And I felt like he would rather spend time with his friends than his new child.  I guess I probably was cold to him sometimes because of my resentment and he pulled back too.  And our marriage has definitely been on a downward trend.  The other day we got in a horrible argument and I mentioned going to my mother’s.  I don’t think that I really meant it.  But my husband didn’t even try to stop me.  I started crying and asked him what was going on.  He told me that he now feels disconnected from me because I don’t seem all that interested in him since our baby was born.  I am hurt by this, but I am more angry than anything.  Does he just expect me to put his own child last because he’s too immature to be happy?  What kind of man is so immature that he wants to put his own needs above that of his child?”

I understand your feelings and they are valid.  But this is so common.  And it doesn’t mean that your husband is a bad guy.  And it doesn’t mean that he literally wants you to turn down your love for your child and give that same love to him instead.

What He’s Really Trying To Tell You: In my opinion and experience, what he really means, but isn’t saying very effectively, is that he misses the life you had when it was just the two of you.  He misses the intimacy and the laughter and the endless time together where you could just be.  This is understandable.  I think that if we are being honest, there are times when mothers feel the same way.  But at the end of the day, we love our children in a very fierce and physical way and, although we miss the early days of our marriage, we know that we wouldn’t trade our child for anything and there is no going back.  We also know that, even with the hardship, our child has enhanced our  life in a way that we could not have possibly imagined before.

Your husband likely feels this way too.  But right now, his feelings of loss are overshadowing that.  He likely has felt this way for a while but he felt selfish and petty to say so, which is why he withdrew instead and which is why it took a fight to pull this out of him.  He may well feel ashamed right now, which might make him withdraw even more.

Try to keep the perspective of the best gift that you can give your child is two invested and connected parents who life in a harmonious home filled with love. Achieving this might mean leaving that same child home with his grandparents or other loved one once a week so that you can have uninterrupted alone time with your spouse.  I know that this can be a difficult thought to wrap your head around.  But it is vitally important.  Because if your husband begins feeling connected to you again, the underlying resentment with both of you feel is going to evaporate, freeing you up to give more energy and spontaneous love to your child.  It pays benefits in so many ways.   And, you don’t want for your son to grow up witnessing a father who pulls away and is distant.  Because he may do the same when he has his own family.

It doesn’t make your husband petty or selfish to feel this way.  Many men feel this way.  They often want to help with the childrearing but they do not know how.  They can not nurse and so the child often just naturally prefers mom, at least at first.  The dad can start to feel that he can’t do anything right and isn’t the greatest parent.  So he will start to withdraw even more.

Do everything in your power to make him feel included and appreciated.  Even if you’re better at soothing your baby, let him get involved.  Your child will adjust.  There are some things that dads actually do a little better, especially when it comes to play.  And go out of your way to show him that you are making an effort to make time for him.

This truly is something that can be fixed. And it is most definitely worth the effort because the whole future of your family lays out before you.  So it makes sense to fix it now and not to wait.  In my own marriage, I waited for problems to just magically work themselves out and this was a huge mistake and lead to a separation.  Feel free to learn from my mistakes. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated because your spouse felt that something was making him unhappy about your actions or the state of your marriage, it can be incredibly hard and hurtful to hear him say that you are continuing on with the behavior and only making things worse. It can make you feel like you can not make progress or improve your situation no matter what you do. It can also feel like a personal attack. You can start to believe that it’s not your marriage that he doesn’t like – but it’s you personally. You have to be careful with this thinking though. If you are still invested in your marriage, the last thing that you want to do is feel helpless or like you don’t have any control. And I believe that you can control what you are projecting to him. Here is one such example.

A wife might explain that her separated husband is telling her that her insecurities are pretty much driving every negative thing that is currently happening. She might explain it this way: “I have always been a little insecure where my husband is concerned. I have always felt that I married a little outside of my league. In high school, I was considered ugly and nerdy. In college, I lost a lot of weight and my appearance vastly improved, but most people remembered me from when I was younger. I met my husband at my job and he didn’t know me from before. So he just saw me as attractive and smart. This was so wonderful for me. Because no one had ever viewed me without the veil of my past. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like that awkward teenager or ugly duckling. It was wonderful. However, I came to learn that in times of stress or doubt, that ugly duckling imagery would always come back. When I was pregnant, I worried constantly about my weight. When I saw my first grey hair, I thought that soon, he’d find a younger woman. I admit that I was always overly suspicious of my husband. I would always wonder if he stayed at work even a minute late. When he had to start traveling for work, this came to a head. My insecurities were ratcheted up about a hundred times. This caused a huge amount of stress. My husband said that he always felt he had to have his guard up with me, even if he was doing nothing wrong. Things got so bad that he eventually left and said he thought we needed to separate for a while. Of course, for someone with insecurity problems like mine, this was awful. Because even though he was telling me that this was probably just temporary, what I was hearing was him saying he didn’t want me anymore even though this was absolutely not what he was literally saying. I always found myself trying to read between the lines in our conversations. I’m always asking him a million questions about what he has been doing and what he is thinking and where he sees us in a month from now. Last night he told me very plainly that my insecurity was driving him away. I don’t know what to do about this because if he would just come back, we wouldn’t have this issue anyway. How do I get control over my insecurity and is this really an issue or is he just using this as an excuse?”

I don’t know your husband’s motivations, but, from my own observations in my own case, I think it is a real issue. And I think that it’s one that can deteriorate all areas of your life – even beyond your marriage. When you do not feel good enough, you project this to every one around you and in everything that you do. You are almost apologetic for your very existence no matter how good a person you are, how smart you are, how attractive you are, or how very much you have to offer. And even when people don’t see you in this way at all, when you are constantly drawing their attention to your insecurities, then at some point, in some way, they may start to wonder if perhaps you aren’t right or that you know something about yourself that they don’t know.

This is heartbreaking and incredibly ironic. Because it is the very thing that you’ve been hoping to avoid for this entire time. And it’s so painful because all you’ve wanted was to hide this part of yourself and you’ve only showcased it.

You can’t change the past. But you can most certainly work on yourself in the present. I think that this is the perfect time to build yourself up. Think about it. You likely have more time on your hands. You have privacy most of the time. It’s time to let go of that image from childhood that definitely no longer suits you, that is holding you back, and that is keeping you from getting what you truly want.

Because until you believe yourself worthy and you see how wonderful and unique you are, then you can’t truly be secure. And until you are truly secure, you can’t effectively pretend to be. Sure, it may help if you would lay off of the questioning and the always asking for reassurance. But, even if you are hiding it, your insecurity is still going to be there. And it is still going to cause you pain.

Some people are able to build themselves up on their own. They fix those things that cause them doubt and they embrace and enhance what makes them who they are.  Some find counseling helpful. But regardless of what happens with your marriage, I think that building yourself up would be beneficial in numerous ways to you. Because you don’t deserve to go through life feeling that you are less than you truly are. You deserve to know that you are exactly as you were meant to be and that you are good enough.

I was very insecure during my own separation.  In fact, when I went out of town, my husband misread it as confidence – when truly, it wasn’t.  This was a turning point.  And this lit a light bulb in my head and I knew that I had to actually become more self assured.  I worked on myself.  I increased my own self knowledge about what made me unique and what I could offer.  And it made a huge difference. In fact, I think it was one of the driving factors that helped me save my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If your separation was anything like mine, there comes a day when it becomes obvious that your current behavior is just not working. As a result of this, you might find yourself dissecting your behavior and deciding which parts of that same behavior you might want to stop and which parts you may want to showcase.

In my own case, I noticed that if I let my desperation and weakness show, it almost always ended up going badly. It was very clearly a huge turn off for my husband. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this behavior was not going to help me save my marriage. And many women have the same experience. And when you realize this, you start to wonder if showcasing strength and confidence is going to get the job done a little more efficiently.

A wife might verbalize this by saying something like: “I admit that I have put my own helplessness and dependance toward my husband on full display. I have wanted him to see me struggling.  He left me and I feel like, at least in part, my struggles are his fault. His selfishness and his mid life crisis brought this on. And he just carelessly left me to clean up his mess. I resent it. I can’t pretend that I don’t. But when I bring up how hard it is for me, he will literally shut me down with his words. He doesn’t want to hear it. I am angry with him, but I still want my marriage. However, every time we interact, I feel like I am further and further away from focusing on my marriage in the way that I should. I am considering dropping all of the struggles and acting strong, confident, and capable. If I am able to pull this off, will he come back?”

Why Acting Strong And Capable During Your Separation Is Sometimes Beneficial: It’s really hard to predict that. Not only do I not know why he left, but I have no way to know what progress has been made.  Nor can I gage the behavior of someone who I don’t know. But, I can tell you that in my own experience and from hearing from many others, separated husbands do typically react better to you when you portray the strong, capable side of yourself. I think that there is a couple of reasons for this. The first is that you are modeling self respect and they are therefore going to model respect right back to you. Also, I believe that showing yourself as less than capable makes them feel guilty. Guilt is a negative emotion and this can lead to them retreating. But if you take the negativity issue away, you may see a change pretty quickly.

And this change will usually come with him being more receptive to you. That should feel like a relief. But know that it’s only the first step – at least most of the time. Him being receptive is like cracking open the door. You’re going to have to open the door and then begin taking baby steps to walk back into an improved relationship.

This is usually a gradual process. You make little gains. You continue to build. And you improve a little at a time.

Being Really Honest With Yourself And Really Clear About Your Goals: Another thing that you want to ask yourself is whether or not you can identify why he left in the first place. I know you said this was a mid life crisis. But it pays to be brutally honest with yourself right now. Is there any way that you can improve your marriage and the way you relate to him?  Can you remove some of his doubts so that he willingly wants to come back?  This can be just a tiny shift that makes huge and beneficial changes.

I think that men who end up enthusiastically coming home usually have seen some real and ongoing changes or they figure out that they were wrong in their perceptions to begin with. One way to show him he was wrong is to act with a high amount of grace and dignity right now. If you show yourself as someone who plays fair and shows concern for him during this difficult time, he may change his perception of you. Better, if you can begin to address any issues that you had and he sees real progress, then this will usually help to erase some of those doubts and negative feelings.

Honestly, it is usually an improvement of a combination of things that brings him home. It’s usually that he becomes more receptive, he sees you in a new way, and he sees some positive progress. But portraying confidence and strength will typically begin the process of him being more receptive and less guarded toward you. It opens the door ever so slightly. And you can’t begin the process of getting him back until you open that door.

I knew when the door opened in my own separation. And I was so scared of it closing again that I moved at snail’s pace, but it was worth it.  Because our reconciliation lasted. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have come to understand that it’s often best to comply with their spouse’s request for “space.” Often, the last thing that they want is a separation or a break. But often after some time, it has become obvious that nothing else is going to satisfy their spouse. Because the more they try to talk him out of his wanting space or to try to make him content with the way that things are, the more he seems to want some freedom from you and the less happy he seems to be.

Days, Weeks, Or Months?: Even as this reality begins to sink in, you are often left wondering just how patient and accommodating you’re going to need to be. So often, people leave comments on my blog asking how long they are going to wait to give their spouse his space or his time. They often ask if we are talking about days, weeks, or even several months. It’s very hard to ask someone to be patient when it is their lives and their marriages at stake. I understand wanting to know specifics because no one wants to leave their own marriage open-ended. No one wants to be left wondering for how long they are going to be alone.

Common comments in this situation are things like: “my husband has asked for a trial separation for about six months. I tried to talk him out of it with every argument I could think of but nothing worked. After a while, I couldn’t deny reality. It became pretty clear that I was either going to have to back away for a bit or risk giving up my husband altogether. So I let him move out. But honestly, it hasn’t helped. He’s very distant from me. He seems to resent it if I call him. If I so much as hesitantly start to ask what he’s thinking, he gets very defensive. He may as well be saying, ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you.’ I hear about all of these wives who eventually lure their husbands back home by giving him space and I am left asking myself how they do it and how long it takes. How much more time am I supposed to give him? Are we talking about weeks? Or months? Because even getting through the days is very difficult for me.”

I truly do wish that I could look into a crystal ball and tell you exactly how long it’s going to be before or until you begin to see a shift in your husband. Because of my own experience, I know how heartbreaking and nerve-wracking it is to think that you simply can’t take the waiting for very much longer. I know that having patience in this situation is nearly impossible. But I also know that sometimes, your panicking over the timeframe can actually make the time seem to go more slowly. Often, the antsier you get and the more you pressure him, the more time you may be facing.

The Amount Of Time Needed For The “Space” Varies Dramatically: The short answer is that for some couples, it could be mere days before the reluctant spouse decides that he has overreacted. For others, it may take several weeks, several months, or even longer. There is no one size fits all for every couple. It often depends upon what issues caused the separation in the first place and how the separation is progressing now. It is in your best interest to try to appear to be supportive of your husband and to try to keep as busy as you need to be to keep yourself from dwelling or applying the pressure.

 Your Actions And Behaviors Can Impact The Time Frame: Additionally, anything that you can do to be playful, upbeat and positive can dramatically shorten the time frame of his needed space, at least in my experience. Because as soon as he begins to believe that he is better off (and will be happier) in your presence instead of outside of it, then this is going to motivate him to come home and declare that enough time has passed and that enough space has been offered.

But, alternatively, if you are giving him more of the same conflict and are making him feel guilty for leaving and pointing out what has deteriorated for you since he’s been gone, then what incentive does he really have to come back? How enticing does returning to more of the same sound to most people?

Instead, you must allow him to see that he has something improved, fresh, and new to come back to. People need space because what is in their immediate vicinity is confusing, stifling, emotionally draining, or painful. But if you can instead convince him that the environment and the home have changed or improved, then he will no longer have the need for distance. He will want to move toward you instead of away from you.

Improvements Are Vital. But Any Changes Or Improvements Must Be Authentic: Of course, the real trick in all of this is convincing him of real change in a very genuine and authentic way. The very worst thing that you can do is pretend that there is change when there is anything but. Because then you will have a husband come home to nothing real. And that same husband will likely leave again and be very reluctant to ever return. So you must be sure that any change that you attempt or claim you make is something that is real and sustainable.

That’s why I find that it’s beneficial to actually take your own time to work on yourself. The best thing that both of you can do when you are apart is to work on yourselves as individuals. Because you become a couple again, you are two stronger individuals who are going to make a stronger couple. Don’t claim what isn’t true or it will all come out disastrously in the end. The best thing that you can do while having patience with him is to use that time to improve yourself, your relationship skills, and your situation.

Stay busy.  Make a list of productive tasks each day and stick to this.  You may have to force yourself, but that is so much better than sitting at home depressed and impatient.  So while I can not tell you how long you will have to be patient, I can tell you that sometimes, the less pressure you apply and the more improvements you can facilitate, the less time you will have to endure. But in the end, it really is up to you as to how patient you will want to be. Some will decide that their spouse isn’t invested in trying to save the marriage. Or they’ll determine that waiting anymore isn’t something that they are interested in. And others, like myself feel that they will wait for as long as it takes to get their spouse to come home.

I always felt very clear that I was going to be patient for as long was necessary for my husband to change his mind.  This wasn’t always easy.  But it was what was required.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you are separated, you often intuitively know that regular communication is important.  Generally, no one needs to tell you this.  It is just common sense. After all, how are you going to reconcile if you lose touch and have no idea what the other person is doing? How can you fix what is broken if you don’t talk it through?

For some couples though, that talking is painful, even if they know that they need to do it.  A wife might explain: “I still look forward to when my separated husband calls, but I don’t exactly know why.  I find our conversations to be painful, even when they are going well.  Because when we have a nice conversation, I’d like to continue it face to face, in our home.  But I can’t.  And when things go wrong, I just have to sit here alone and then wait for the next conversation in the hopes that things will go better.  I know that we have to talk.  I know that this is important. And I know that I can’t exactly tell my separated husband that I want to stop talking because it is painful.  But how can I make this process not so torturous? It hurts me every time that we talk.”

I absolutely understand this.  I suffered with the same thing early on in my separation, until I tweaked my thinking a little bit.  I think that we suffer the most when we focus on what we don’t have rather than on what we do have.  We get in trouble when we look to the future too much without being grateful for what we do have right here in the present.

In my own case, I was feeling the pain because I was trying to change the situation without letting it play out.  I was trying to rush the process and I wanted a guarantee when that was impossible at the time.  I also went into my separation without any sort of plan, at least at first.

Try To Separate Yourself From Any Immediate Expectations: In order to separate yourself from the pain, I believe, at least from my own experience, that you also have to separate yourself from your own expectations.  I know that this is difficult.  Of course you are heavily invested in how your marriage is going to turn out.  But when you allow that investment to be the driving force behind your every action, you cloud every interaction with your husband.

You can’t just relax and enjoy the conversation.  And this taints and damages the entire process.  In order to stop this, you really do have to change your mind set. You have to tell yourself that you’re just going to be grateful for these conversations and you are going to enjoy them without focusing on where they are going all of the time.  You don’t know what tomorrow brings.  So it doesn’t make sense to place your focus there.  But if you place your focus on the conversation that you are having at this very moment (and only that) then you will often find that it isn’t nearly as painful and it is easier to enjoy it.

Learning Not To Discuss The Hard Issues When Things Are Still Fragile: In my own case, I eventually took conversations about our marriage and about the separation off the table for a little while.  Because these topics almost always were just too much at the time.  I began to learn that if I brought them up, awkwardness or defensiveness would set in, and the whole conversation would turn sour.

Of course, you will have to discuss these things eventually. But I decided to wait until my marriage was stronger, we were more bonded, and our fragile union could withstand this.  I was worried that I wouldn’t know when to make this shift, but it was more obvious than I anticipated.

Why You Don’t Want To Suffer Twice: I know that it may be hard to wrap your mind around this when you’re scared and unsure.  But it helped me to look at it this way.  When I was holding on so tightly to everything, I was forcing myself to suffer twice.  I was suffering by overanalyzing everything.  And I was suffering during the conversations and meetings because I was tainting them by clinging.

However, as I began to attempt to live in the moment a little more, I eliminated the suffering I felt when I held too tightly to the outcome.  And because I did this, my conversations and interactions were much better so I lessened this suffering also.  After this switch, I cut my suffering down significantly.

I am not going to tell you that this is easy and that all you to do is declare you’re going to change and the transformation just magically happens.  You have to be determined and you have to be willing to constantly be aware of your behavior and thought process.  You often have to remind yourself of the new plan when you find yourself resorting to old behaviors.

But, at least for me, changing my outlook and loosening my grasp made a huge difference in my experience and in the outcome.

I can’t tell you that marital separations are not incredibly painful.  They are.  But sometimes, changing your expectations will cut down on the pain.  And changing your focus will allow you to see what is right in front of you without needing to rehash things all of the time.  These shifts will sometimes improve things with your husband.  This shift was the start of a reconciliation in my case because it made my husband much more receptive to me.   You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you know that in the very near future, you’re going to be separated when even the person who is initiating the separation admits that it might be a mistake. It’s awful when you both know that the love and the connection is still there, but the relationship is in jeopardy anyway.

For example, a wife might find herself in a situation where she knows that her husband still loves her and that, in essence, she has done nothing wrong. Regardless of this, her husband wants a separation or a break for some obscure reason which has nothing to do with her marriage. She might explain: “my husband told me that he’s going to move out and leave me. I don’t fully understand this. Our marriage isn’t perfect. None is, but ours is pretty good. We don’t have any huge issues. We still love each other. But my husband is not sure that being married is allowing him to ‘live his best life.’ About eight months ago, he started reading self help books and going to seminars. Since then, he has evaluated everything in his life. He’s dropped many of his friends. He’s suddenly extremely ambitious and he wants to do exactly what he thinks is best for him without thinking of the consequences. He still sees his family out of obligation, but he seems to think that their beliefs are holding him back also. I finally got my courage up and I told my husband that he is just going through a phase or a mid life crisis. I told him that I think that this phase is going to pass one day and then he will regret leaving me. He agreed that he is probably going to regret leaving me, but he said that he is going to go forward anyway because he feels like it is what he is meant to do. This is so hard for me. I know that he is making a mistake. But I don’t feel that there is anything that I can do about it.”

The “Now Or Never” Mentality: I know that this is difficult and that you feel helpless. We all know that you can not control someone else. Like it or not, the people we love can and do make their own decisions – even when you both know that the decision is just plain wrong.

I don’t think that it would hurt to try to carefully get him to see things in another way which might help him to change his mind. But I know first hand you can’t control his mind or his feelings. Which means you can’t control what he will ultimately decide.

It is very common for men (or really for anyone) to go through a time in their life where they realize that they do not have an unlimited amount of time left. They may realize that there are some things they have not yet accomplished or dreams that they have not yet realized. And then they will take on the attitude that it’s “now or never.”

Encouraging Him To See Things In A Different Way: Unfortunately, many of them come to believe that their spouse or their marriage is keeping them from pursuing their new goals, even when this isn’t even remotely the case. So, if you have not yet tried to convince him that he doesn’t have to give up his marriage to cultivate his best life, you may try a conversation like this: “I understand that you are trying to change many aspects of your life. I know that you feel that you have to pursue some things in order to feel like you’re living a complete life. But I want to stress to you that I don’t agree that you need to leave me in order to pursue this. I’ve supported you and will continue to do so. If you’re thinking that I am going to hold you back, that is not my intention. I’m committed to living my best life, too. I understand what you are feeling and I only intend to support you. I get that you want to make some changes, but leaving someone who loves and who wants to take this journey with you is a very big and dramatic step. I would ask that you reconsider this. You’ve already said that you know that you are going to regret this. And I don’t see how living your best life includes doing something that you know that you are going to regret.”

I’d avoid trying to use negative arguments like telling him he’s selfish or that he’s being stubborn or dumb. Why? Because that feeds into his idea that he must leave you in order to do what’s best for him, especially since, in his mind, you’re inserting negativity into the situation.

I can’t promise that this is going to work, but I think that it is worth a try. If he resists, then I’m not sure what else there is to do other than to have a positive attitude, focus on your own thoughts and wishes, and to try to maintain access to him throughout this process. Once he sees that living his “best life” alone is not as great as he thought, he may change his mind then. I know that it sometimes feels like once he leaves, he is gone for good, but this was not the case with me, although it was a very scary time. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes, when we are separated, we honestly believe that we have unwillingly taken the first step toward a divorce.  Despite our wishes, desires, and beliefs, we’re worried that a separation is just another word for “the beginning of the divorce process.”

We assume that our husband is just trying to get rid of us, or our marriage, in a very gradual way. And this hurts.  That’s why it can be such a relief when our husband reassures us that this is not the case, even if he stops short of saying that he’s willing to reconcile or attempt to save our marriage.

Sometimes, we get to the point where any reassurance is welcome. But it does create confusion when he tells us that he still wants us to have a role in his life, but he isn’t sure what that role will look like.

Here’s an example. A wife might recount: “my husband and I have been separated for almost three months.  For the first week, we did not speak at all.  When my birthday came and went, he did not even ask to spend the day with me and he only bought me a card.  So as much as things have deteriorated, I was honestly very afraid that we would be divorced within six months time.  Well, I was very surprised when my husband asked me to dinner a few weeks ago.  Things went well. We had a nice time and have seen each other a couple of times since.  I made a comment at dinner that if we were to eventually divorce, I would miss having him in my life.  His response to me was: ‘I always want you in my life in some capacity.  You are too important to me not to be.’ I wasn’t sure what that meant so I asked him to clarify.  He said that he honestly didn’t know what he meant.  He said he wasn’t sure how I would be in his life because there was no way to see what was in the future.  But that he wanted me in his life.  I’m embarrassed to say how happy and relieved I was by this.  But then I talked to one of our mutual friends and she pretty much shot me down and said that this really isn’t great news.  She said that theoretically, he could just have me in his life as an acquaintance when we are divorced and maybe he just said these words so that I would stop being so needy.  Needless to say, this took the wind right out of my sails.  Should I be reassured by this? Or does it mean nothing?”

I would certainly find it reassuring.  Honestly, the whole time that I was separated, something similar to what your husband said became my mantra. I did not want the separation at all, and I told my husband that I had no idea what the future held for us. But I said that regardless of how our relationship was defined, he was so important to me that I wanted him in my life in some way.  Of course, I used this as an “in,” so that I would have access to him.  But I truly meant every word of it.  I was willing to redefine the relationship – if I had to – if that meant I didn’t have to truly say goodbye.

Luckily, it did not come to that.  I am still his wife and expect to always be.  But if either of us had pushed to define those roles instead of taking a “wait and see” approach, I believe it’s possible that we may not be married today.  I think that my husband needed that time (as he kept insisting) to evaluate what he truly wanted.

Try To Not To Push Too Hard: So yes, I think that what your husband has said is encouraging.  But while I know it’s tempting to push for him to define that role, I think it might be a mistake.  From my own experience, you’re better off enthusiastically taking what is offered at the time and using it as a gradual stepping stone into making it something more.

My best suggestion would be to keep continuing on in the way that you are.  You indicated that things are going better between you.  Keep making strides.  Keep having fun together.  Take what is given but don’t push.  Keep building up to more.  If you can do this, he should not be defensive and he should be more receptive.  And eventually, you should find that without your having to push or put your progress at risk, you will just naturally find your role defined as his wife who is now reconciled.

When we are separated and afraid, it’s only natural to want affirmation that we won’t end up divorced.  It’s only natural to push for more.  But when you have a husband who wanted a break or space, pushing creates a risk.  If he’s saying things to give you hope – however small – I wouldn’t create risk when I didn’t need to.

In my own case, I took the ‘always have a role in my life’ directive and I held on for dear live.  Sometimes, it was the only thing that kept me going.  And it is one reason that, after a long and hard separation, I am still married today.  You can read more about that reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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