Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re separated but don’t want to be, it is a fair bet that you start thinking about a reconciliation fairly early in the process.  Of course, most of us know that it’s somewhat unrealistic to think that our spouse is going to want to come home almost immediately – but that is what many of us secretly hope for.

When the immediate reconciliation doesn’t happen, many of us start to think in terms of weeks – with the hopes that we aren’t eventually thinking in terms of months. No one wants to be separated for any longer than they have to be. We all are tempted to rush the timeframe if our spouse will play along and allow us to.  But the risk in this strategy is that you may reconcile before you are ready and you may end up in worse shape than when you started.  Every time your spouse leaves, you theoretically decrease the odds of a lasting reconciliation, at least in my opinion.  So ideally, you want to have one reconciliation that lasts and you never want to have to go through this again.

Do Statistics Tell Us Anything About The Best Time?: When is a reconciliation most likely to occur?  That is the million dollar question. Someone might ask: “statistically speaking, when do most separated couples reconcile?  When is it considered to be the best time?  My husband and I have been separated for about six weeks. The first couple of weeks were pretty much disastrous.  We barely spoke and when we did speak, we fought. Very slowly, we became somewhat more cordial to one another.  Now, when we talk or on the rare occasions we see one another, it seems to go well for us.  I’m at the point where I am starting to get antsy to reconcile. I just feel like if we wait longer, we will start to drift apart even more and we might never do it then.  But some of my friends are telling me that it is going to be a mistake to pressure my husband.  What do you think?  When is the best time frame for a reconciliation?”

Why The Optimal Time Frame Truly Does Depend Upon Many Factors: I know that you are hoping that I will tell you that one month, two months, three months, etc. might be the perfect time frame.  But I can not say that.  It truly varies from couple to couple and it depends upon the issues that you are trying to work through.  It also depends upon how long it takes each person to become motivated to try to reconcile.  Some people take longer than others.  And those spouses who are already reluctant generally do not respond well to pressure.

I can tell you from the correspondence that I get on this blog that 2 – 3 months tends to be the most common time frame.  By disclosing this, by no means am I suggesting that this is the right time frame.  Some of these folks attempt the reconciliation and fail.  And others do just fine.

Rather than defining an arbitrary or set time frame, I think that the better plan is to just tell yourself that you will reconcile when you are most likely to succeed.  How do you know when that is?  Here are three guidelines I find helpful.

The Issues Are Solved Or At Least Making Good Progress:  It’s so easy to think that all you need is a willingness to reconcile and you’re well on your way.  But if you don’t address the dividing issues, you can bet that they will one day come back.  Now, fixing them takes time.  Some are so weighty that they take a long period of time to fix.  I’m not suggesting that you wait until none of the issues exist any longer.  But I am suggesting that you wait until you have a repetitive plan in place where you are seeing decent progress and you don’t mind continuing the process over time.  Unless you can and are willing to do that, your marriage will remain vulnerable.

Both People Are Ready And Willing To Reconcile:  If you have to pressure or convince your spouse to attempt a reconciliation, this is probably a good hint that you aren’t ready yet. Successfully reconciling after being separated can be tricky when both people want it more than anything.  But having one person who is dragging their feet or who is unsure adds stress to an already stressful situation.  If your spouse is not willing and enthusiastic yet, it’s best to wait until he is.  The last thing you want is to fail because his heart wasn’t in it.

You’ve Eased Your Way Into This And Have Tried Several Experimental Trial Runs: I don’t suggest having your spouse move back in abruptly.  I suggest having several weekend or even week-long trials before you make it official and move furniture, clothing etc.  You want to experiment and make sure that it goes well and that you can make any necessary adjustments before he actually moves back in for good. I know that this may seem like a delay to you.  But when something is this important, it is better to be safe than sorry.  You want to have confidence that you will succeed.  You want to erase any doubts so that you can both be enthusiastic and excited.  And easing into it is a very effective way to do this.

I’m sorry I don’t have a timeline that is set it stone.  But it truly does vary.  I think that the best time frame is the one that allows you the greatest chance of success.  This happens quickly for some couples and takes a little longer for others.  In my observation, a longer time frame does not diminish the chances for success as long as you work hard.  My reconciliation took longer than I would have liked, but it was ultimately successful. You can read more about that time frame on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we say or do things based on the emotion of the moment. This can be especially true when we sense our marriage or our spouse changing in an undesirable way. Sometimes, we take this so far that we ask or tell our spouse to leave. And we might be surprised and disappointed when they actually do it. But it is when things calm down that reality hits us – and serious regret sets in. We realize that we want him to come back when he only did what we asked – which is to leave.

Someone might recall this scenario: “my husband and I have been arguing about money for the last seven months. We’ve had issues before, but our fights have gone to a whole new level. My husband invested more money than we could afford. I was angry when I found out about it. When we discussed it, I asked him if there was anything else that I needed to know. I told him that he may as well get the bad stuff out in the open. I told him I would rather find out about everything all at once than learn about it later. He told me that I knew everything and that there was nothing else to tell. Well, last week, we got a statement in the mail. I do not normally open financial documents. I normally leave that to my husband. But something told me that I should. So I did. And I found out there were other accounts I did not know about and that we are in far more financial trouble than I knew. So when my husband got home, I let him have it. I called him a liar. He said that this is exactly why he didn’t tell me, because he knew that I would overreact. I was so mad I told him to get his stuff and get out. He tried to reason with me, but I would not calm down, so he eventually left. Now I’ve been without my husband for almost a week and I have calmed down. I’m still angry. Very angry. But I realize that I would rather work with him to get us out of this mess than to end my marriage. But now I don’t know what to do. I am the one who asked him to leave in the first place. I don’t want to look stupid by saying that I suddenly changed my mind. And he might be so mad that I asked him to go that he may refuse to come home.”

It’s normal to worry about how you are going to be perceived in a situation like this. When my husband and I were separated, I became very scared to admit what I was really feeling. I did not want to appear desperate and I did not want to be in a situation where my feelings would make my husband distance himself. Plus, it sounds very silly now, but I hated the thought that I would want or miss my husband more than he wanted or missed me. This is silly because I made my pride more important than getting my marriage back on track – which should have been the real goal.

However, getting a negative response from your husband is a real concern. And I think that there is a way that you can broach this topic without as much risk. The next time you talk to your husband, you might try a conversation something like this: “I have been thinking a lot about last week. I have an awful lot of regret about it. I did have a right to be very angry. No one likes to be mislead. But I do realize that I still overreacted. I wish I’d never asked you to leave. I have no idea what your feelings on this might be, but I’d be open to trying to stick together in the future instead of scattering at the first sign of trouble. I know that we have a tough road ahead, but I suspect it would be easier together instead of apart.”

Then, listen to what your husband has to say. He may well say that he feels the same way and that he is relieved. Or, he may say that he is still processing things and that he needs time. And that is OK. The real goal is to let him know that you’re aware that you overreacted and to lay a foundation of positive communication moving forward. He may not move back in right away, but even if he doesn’t, that gives you time to talk about things and to define and understand the issues.

Sometimes, people are so anxious about him moving back in that they rush things. They don’t talk about the issues and then, very shortly, they are fighting again and the homecoming isn’t so happy after all because you’re dealing with a replay of what happened before. It’s better to take your time while regularly communicating and working toward a resolution. That way, him coming home will be much more harmonious.

I understand not wanting to look stupid and indecisive.  It took me a long time to let my true feelings show to my separated husband.  In the middle of our separation, almost everything that I said or did was perceived incorrectly.  We eventually got back on track, but not without a lot of awkward and painful times.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s natural to watch your spouse very closely when you are separated. Unfortunately, you will sometimes not get to spend as much time with him as you might like. So, when you do have the opportunity to talk with or see your spouse, you are usually watching with intense scrutiny so that you notice small nuances and changes. Unfortunately, some of the time, these changes can seem to be negative or worrisome.

Someone might explain: “some of my friends say that I am reading too much into this, but I believe that my husband has changed a great deal during our trial separation. My husband has always been a very sweet, sensitive, and loving man. I would have described him as gentle and kind. Those are the things that I loved about him. He was never into appearances or about caring what people thought of him. Just before our separation, my husband lost a coworker and friend to whom he was very close. He said that this was a life-changing experience for him, because it made him realize that life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. And that life is meant to be lived fully and without regrets. Shortly after he had this epiphany, he decided to separate from me. Now when my husband and I are together (which isn’t that often,) he is rushed. He is borderline rude. He’s checking social media and is ‘tuned into’ his electronics – which is something that he used to hate in other people. He talks more than listens – which has never been like him.  He’s always concerned with how he is being perceived, which is weird.  I was hesitant to bring this up to him, but I felt like I should. So I told him that he was not acting like himself. He said that maybe I was right, but that he was tired of being a ‘pushover’ and he was going to be more aggressive about getting what he wanted out of life. I’m concerned about these changes for a couple of reasons. First of all, I hate seeing this personality change because I can’t imagine that my husband is nearly as happy acting this way. But also, I want my marriage back and I worry that his new attitude is going to keep this from happening. Third, I miss the old him. Will he revert back to his old self eventually? Is there anything that I can do to hurry the process, other than continuing to bring this to his attention?”

I am not sure that you should keep bringing it to his attention. If it seems as if you keep coming back to this, your husband may become frustrated and limit your access to him. He may pretend or hide his true feelings when he interacts with you. Or, he may become defensive. You have already told him how you feel, so I think that the better tactic might be to approach him with patience and understanding. He may be more open to what you have to say that way.

Also, have you considered that his shift in attitude may have something to do with the fact that he could be hurting and reeling over the loss of his friend? I’m certainly not a therapist and I’d encourage you to run this by one. (And if your husband would agree to seeing one, that would be ideal.) But, it seems to me that it’s not uncommon to see people close off or to detach from more sensitive emotions as a defense mechanism. They often are not aware of this and they do it as a way to limit the hurt and the loss that they feel.

This may be part of what you are seeing. And you also have to consider that not only has his life been disrupted and turned upside down by losing his friend, he now has limited access to you – who has to be an important support system. So, he may be trying on new personas to see if any of them make him feel better. And I think that’s why it can be important to be careful about how you approach him. If he sees you as another source of pain, he will limit your ability to help him.

So you may want to offer your support with the hope that he will open up in time and that he will drop the abrasive exterior as he begins to heal. You might try something like: “I know I’ve already brought up the changes that I notice in you. I only want to briefly say that I am here if you need to talk. I know that we are separated, but that doesn’t stop me from caring and wanting to be there for you. I just wanted for you to be aware of that.”

Then, I would just watch and wait. He may well come to you. Or he may continue on, at least for a little while. The thing is, as hard as this may be to watch, you can’t “make” someone change their behavior by telling them they are wrong or pointing out the problems with how they are acting. This will only only reinforce the behavior. So sometimes the most effective thing to do is to try to give your support and your patience.  And to know that the loving, sensitive person you know and love with hopefully return once he sorts out the difficulties he’s been going through. A therapist could help him do this, if he is willing.

My husband could be quite mean during our separation.  I used to fear that I (or our separation) brought out the worst in him.  But I think that we were both struggling at that time.  Neither of us were at our very best, which is understandable. If it helps, you can read about the whole mess on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Much of the time, when you are going through a martial separation and still want to save your marriage, you are exploring any number of things that you can say or do in order to make your situation better. To that end, I sometimes have people ask me what are the best things that they can say to their separated spouse.

I might hear from someone who says: “things are very tense between my husband and I right now. We have been separated for about three and a half weeks. Every time we talk, he seems on edge and angry. I want to tell him how much I miss him and how much I am suffering without him. I’d like to express how lonely I am. But I suspect that these words will not be well-received. I am not sure what we are supposed to talk about. I am not sure what I am supposed to be saying to him right now. What are the best things that a wife can say to her separated husband?”

I think that the answer to this depends on the situation. Some husbands miss their wives and are insecure about the separation. For those husbands, it may be OK to express more emotion combined with honesty.

However, I believe that for those husbands who have indicated that they “need space,” expressing words of love and loneliness are not nearly as likely to be well received. Husbands who are looking for space can often take an innocent “I miss you” and hear words that evoke pressure.

Phrases You Might Consider Avoiding: That’s why I suggest trying to avoid phrases that can evoke feelings of pressure and negativity. For many separated men, these are phrases like:

“I love and miss you and I’m miserable here all by myself.”

“It is such a struggle to run the household without you.”

“The kids keep asking me when their daddy is coming home.”

“I’m sure that the whole neighborhood is gossiping about us and our broken home.”

“I can’t believe you are doing this to us.”

“Maybe when you get over your silly mid-life crisis, you can find it in your heart to come home where you belong.”

“If you had told me five years ago that I would be separated, I never would have believed it. I didn’t think we were one of those dysfunctional couples who couldn’t work out their problems.”

“I feel like you only left so you could see someone else. That’s a very selfish thing to do.”

“When do you think you might be coming home? Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

I am not saying that, in the right situation, none of the above would work. Some husbands are more receptive than others. But I am saying that many husbands who have asked for space are going to have a negative reaction to the above because it makes them feel pressured and it makes them feel guilty.

More Positive Phrases To Consider: Below are suggestions for words that might be received a little more positively.

“I know that things are a little difficult and awkward right now, but I’m hopeful that things will be better soon.”

“I know that you have your reasons for what you are doing. And I hope that things will be better for you soon. If there is anything that I can do in the meantime to help, please reach out to me.”

“I understand that you need your space. It’s a little tough for me because I’m lonely and I miss you. But to be quite honest about it, the space will likely benefit me too. I can use it to work on myself and get my own life in order.”

“This time apart has made me realize that there are places where I went wrong and things that I haven’t done or said. I hope that in the future, we will both have the chance to make these things right again. Because there are many things that I would do differently, if given the chance.”

Do you see the difference? Both sets of words indicate that you miss your spouse. But one set is more hopeful while the other has a more negative tone. To the best of your ability, you want to stay upbeat and hopeful. Because if everything out of your mouth makes your husband feel guilty, defensive, or pressured, then he is going to start avoiding you just to avoid the negative emotions he now associates with having a conversation with you.

It’s much more difficult to get him to come home if you aren’t speaking to him regularly or you aren’t having positive interactions with him. That’s why it’s best to say words meant to clear the way for you being able to talk to him and see him as much as possible.

I can’t honestly tell you that I never said the phrases that I’ve suggested that you to resist.  In fact, early in my separation, I very frequently whined to my husband about how much I missed him and how miserable I was.  It wasn’t until I saw how negatively he reacted to me that I changed my stance and my message. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest concerns that I get in correspondence from a separated spouse is whether or not their spouse misses them. They typically ask for signs that will tell them that this is true. Or, if they feel that they are not seeing these signs, they can ask about ways to inspire their spouse to miss them. Many people believe that a special set of circumstances might make this easier – like seeing one another in person or at special occasions.

Someone might have a concern like: “honestly, I do not know that my husband misses me. We have been separated for almost five weeks. He calls every couple of days to talk to and to check on the children. He doesn’t always ask to speak with me, although sometimes he does. When we do talk, he never seems particularly interested in what I have to say. And he never indicates that he thinks of me beyond the kids. He has made no attempt to see me. While we have been separated, I have worked on my appearance. I have gotten into a little bit better shape and have lost some weight. I have also colored my hair. Of course, it’s only been five weeks, so the change is not all that dramatic, but there has definitely been a change. I believe that I look better than I have in a long time. I don’t think that it was my looks that contributed to our separation, but I believe that every bit helps. In about a month, our niece is getting married. We were invited as a couple, but both of us still plan to attend because we both love our niece. My husband will see our children before then, but he probably will not see me. I am wondering whether seeing me at the wedding will make him realize that he misses me? Is this even possible? Could the wedding, which is going to celebrate love and commitment, perhaps spark some memories in him? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d like to think so.”

It’s difficult to predict the future, but it is certainly not uncommon for a chance or planned meeting to make separated spouses realize how much they have missed one another. And sometimes, this takes them by surprise. Sometimes, they have had limited contact and so they have been able to keep their feelings wrapped tightly. But then when they see their spouse, this often awakens something inside of them. And, the sight of their spouse affects them in a way that they hadn’t expected.

It’s even better when this is topped off with a very laid-back and fun encounter where the two of you can relax and laugh. A wedding is a very nice occasion for this to happen. However, I think that you want to be careful that you don’t anticipate this so much that you put a lot of pressure on it. Because if you do this, you may not be able to relax and just let things happen.

Not only that, but you want to remember that this is your niece’s special day – which is cause for celebration.  And you don’t want to do anything that is contrary to this. So try to make sure you put the focus on a happy occasion for your niece. This helps you remember to have a joyful, upbeat attitude. And this should help you to be approachable to your husband.

Assuming that everything goes well, a face-to-face meeting like this one can be the first step toward things changing or improving. But you don’t want to take things too far and assume that this one meeting is going to mean everything. I know that it is tempting and I have done this too. It is a very common mistake, but it often backfires because it doesn’t allow for any foundation or for gradual progress. And sometimes, it will cause your husband to pull back.

It is better to see the day for what it is – a joyful celebration that allows you to see your husband face-to-face and to focus on having a fun time at a happy family occasion. Hopefully, it will go well and then you use it as the stimulus to schedule new and additional meetings. This can be a wonderful starting off point.

However, if things don’t go as planned, don’t be discouraged. It may not be the right time yet. Your husband may determined to take his time and trying to force it may just make things worse.

I am happy to hear that you are working on yourself because I think that this is usually the single best thing that you can do to improve your situation. I would continue this self-work regardless of what happens with the wedding. And I would just keep trying with additional face-to-face meetings without believing that any one particular meeting is going to make or break an entire marriage.

It is typically a series of events and experiences that shape what happens. Sure, the wedding may be the beginning – and that would be wonderful. But when you think that the wedding is going to be his only opportunity to miss you, not only is this likely wrong, but it just contributes to you being too nervous and not being able to enjoy yourself.

I used to put ALOT of pressure on face-to-face meetings when I was separated.  It actually made the meetings worse.  It wasn’t until I just told myself to wait and see what happened without so many expectations that things changed.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are separated intuitively know that it is in their best interest to try to remain upbeat during their separation. It is common sense that being pleasant will often get you a better result than being angry or unpleasant. This is can be more challenging than you would think, though. Sometimes, it is so difficult to be upbeat that you have to lower your standards to having the conversation not affect you in a negative way. That can be very challenging at times, too.

A wife might say: “I fully understand why it’s best to try to get along with your separated spouse and remain pleasant and optimistic. I am committed to this strategy. The problem is that while I completely understand the necessity of it, I sometimes find it difficult to carry out. One of the reasons that we separated is because my husband is very unhappy. It seems that everything is falling apart in his life. He’s now at a place in his life where he lost both of his parents. He is no longer close to his siblings. His best friend moved away. And he had to downsize at his job. I know that he is going through a rough time and not all of it is his fault. So I will try to ask how his day went and have a pleasant voice. Sometimes, it seems as though his goal with the conversation is actually to bring me down. He will say something sarcastic like: ‘oh my day was fabulous. I spent it doing a job that was way beneath me while making less money.’ So I will try to tell him that I am sure that things will get better and he’ll say something like: ‘I don’t know why they will get better when they have been getting worse for two years.’ At that point, I usually try to change the topic but then he will act as if I don’t care about his challenges. It seems that I can not win. Sometimes, when he absolutely refuses to allow me to try to cheer him up or to change the outlook, I become angry. I feel like he is just refusing to give me anything at all to work with. And there are times when I feel like responding with something like: ‘yes, your life is not getting any better because you are choosing to sabotage yourself with your awful and negative attitude.’ But I hold back. And then I am disappointed in myself. I sometimes feel like I let him say anything that he wants to me and I have lost my voice. How do I get past this so that I don’t let the mean things that he says affect me?”

I have always advocated trying to be upbeat and have a positive attitude during your separation because I often see this making a reconciliation more likely. I also believe that not giving into despair makes the time apart a little more bearable. But, I don’t mean for this to make you feel like a doormat or someone who doesn’t have a voice and who can’t express their own feelings.

I think that it is fair to put your frustration into words, so long as it doesn’t come across like you are just trying to hurt your spouse in the way that he has hurt you. For example, the next time a similar scenario comes up, I know that it is tempting to say: “yes, your life is terrible right now because you’re choosing to mope around and be miserable.” However, while this might make you feel better for a second, you likely will feel guilty later. And, your husband will feel defensive and may think that yet another person in his life is not on his side. Instead, try something like: “I’m sorry. I really was trying to cheer you up and make things better, but it seems that no matter what I say, I’m not successful. So I’m going to change the subject or sign off for now, but I don’t want for you to think that any of this means that I don’t care. I do care. I can just tell that you don’t want to continue on with this subject. I hope that in a few days or so, you will be more receptive. My goal is to make things seem a little brighter for you. That’s all. But for right now, I am hearing that you aren’t receptive to that.”

Then, change the subject or end the conversation. Notice that you were not being negative or ugly. You were just telling him that, for right now, you don’t see the point in trying to point out the positive when he isn’t ready to see it. The hope is that the next time you try this, he will be more receptive because he knows that you will shut it down if he doesn’t at least try a little give and take.

I also think that it’s important to learn how to distract yourself with other things. Sometimes, it takes a little while before your spouse is ready to change or to be receptive. And, I believe that much of the time, the best thing to do then is to remain positive and wait. But if you get frustrated and start engaging or arguing, then you allow his attitude to alter your results. So it’s better to just stop the negativity and to wait rather than to engage.

Sometimes, this means you have to turn your attention to other things like friends or hobbies. When I was separated, one of my friends had a new baby and I spent a lot of time with her. Another friend was going through a medical issue and I was more than happy to be there for her because I had plenty of spare time and it made me feel useful and helpful. The key is to pinpoint where else you are needed or what else might help to make the time pass in a positive way. This is so much better an option than just arguing with your husband and making things worse.

My husband and I went through a period where we seemed to enjoy negatively engaging.  These exchanges would feed on themselves and things would deteriorate further quite quickly.  I had to make a very conscious effort to step back and focus on other things until it passed.  This actually helped a good deal.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some people are lucky enough to become very close to their spouse’s family when they get married.  Some wives will tell you that they are closer to their mother – in – law than to their own mothers.  Or that they feel as if their sister – in – law is closer to them than any real sister could possibly be. That’s why a separation can affect your extended family also.  And there is sometimes some confusion as to how to explain this or what to disclose.

A wife might explain: “my parents adore my husband.  Sometimes, when they call and ask us over, I feel like they want to see my husband instead of me. They are all very close.  They think that my husband is a wonderful man.  Well, that same man has decided that he wants a separation from their daughter.  My husband told me that he isn’t sure if he wants to be married and that he needs to move out in order to decide which direction he wants to take.  I truly did not see this coming and it’s difficult for me to talk about it without crying.  In two weeks, my parents are having a birthday party for my aunt.  I know that my husband will not attend.  I could ask him, but I know that he will have some excuse because he’s trying not to spend a lot of time with me right now. But I have no idea what I am supposed to tell my parents about this, particularly my father.  I know that they were supposed to go fishing together next month. I am not sure what I should tell my parents about this either.  The thing is, I really do not understand my husband’s reasoning about this.  Part of me is considering telling my parents that my husband had a work obligation and could not make my aunt’s party.  Then I’d hope that we’d get back together before the fishing trip so that my parents don’t need to know anything about our separation. But I don’t feel right lying to my parents about it either.  Plus, I don’t really know how to explain the reasoning behind all of this.”

I’m not sure that I would lie to my parents.  You’re not the one who made this decision, so I don’t think that you should be put in a position where you need to lie to cover it up.  In my opinion, there are a couple of options.  The first would be to ask your husband how he wants to handle this and suggest that since he is the one who initiated the separation and knows his own motivations, it is best that he be the one to tell your parents.  He may or may not agree to this.  But one reason why people dislike talking about their separations is that they don’t really know how to answer all of the questions that follow this disclosure.

The other option is to tell your parents that your husband felt he needed some time apart and then tell them that you really don’t know much more than that – since your husband was the one who initiated this.  At that point, your parents can direct further questions to your husband, since he is most qualified to answer them.

But lying to your parents or hoping for a reconciliation before you have to tell them is very risky and will likely make you feel worse than you already do.  It’s not fair for you to have to do this.  And, having your parents’ support might be helpful right now.  The other option is to just not talk about it all and then to be vague if you are asked.  Merely saying that your husband “couldn’t make it” isn’t really lying.  You’re just being vague because you truly don’t know what to say.

If you do chose to tell them about the separation, you don’t need to get into the particulars.  You can just tell them exactly what’s accurate – that your husband felt that you needed some time apart so he’s moved out for a while and that you’re not exactly sure about his thought process or his timeline, but you’re hoping for a quick and meaningful reconciliation.  You might want to stress that you hope that they don’t feel differently about your husband because of this, since you know that he values his close relationship with them.

To be honest your parents may not react as badly as you fear. Most of our parents have had their own marital issues, although we may not remember them since most of us were children when they happened or our parents chose not to involve us.  So, they may have been through this themselves and just want to be a source of support to both of you.

But it’s my opinion that lying to them will just create bigger problems.  I think it’s best to either allow your husband to tell them or to just tell them in very general terms you’re on a short break and ask them to support you without getting involved. Your marriage is your own and hopefully, it will be back on track before there needs to be any lengthy conversations about it.

I had no choice about telling some folks in my inner circle about my separation.  But I tried to keep the explanations very short and vague.  Being separated is enough to deal with besides having to worry about what to tell people.  I feel that it’s usually best to give short and direct explanations and then stop it at that.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, people tend to be really hard on husbands who decide to leave their family in order to “have space” or “find themselves.”  Much of the time, the husband reassures his family that hopefully, this is all just going to be temporary.  He will often admit that he isn’t happy with his life, his marriage, or his very existence.  And he hopes or thinks that having some time for himself is going to sort all of this out.  Some husbands are obviously quite torn about and guilty over this.  They will try to ensure that everything at home is still taken care of and they work hard to make the transition easy on their families.

Other husbands will take a more standoffish approach and will tell themselves that they “just have to be selfish right now,” in the hopes that this time away will benefit their family in the long run, even though it is painful now.

Either type of husband can get an awful lot of criticism from family and friends.  And although the wife may feel that he’s being selfish, she often isn’t sure how to handle the criticism from people who love her.  She might explain: “this morning, my mother called my husband a ‘selfish jerk.’  Normally, I would automatically defend my husband.  But I have a hard time doing that just now.  Because quite honestly, my husband is acting like a selfish jerk.  He’s living in an apartment half an hour away because he’s having a mid-life crisis and now wants ‘time to find himself.’  I have tried to be understanding, but I want to smack him.  Sure, I’d love some wonderful silence to ponder the meaning of life, but I do not have that luxury.  I have children who depend on me.  Am I blissfully happy every day of my life? No, I am not.  But I’m not going to overreact and completely disrupt my family for my own selfish needs.  So yes, I do think my husband is acting like a jerk.  And when I start to think that way, my mind starts to wander and I ask myself if I even want this man back.  Because I worry about what he would be like – even if we reconcile.  Is he always going to be keeping an eye out for his own unhappiness?  Is he always going to think the world revolves around him?”

Before I go even further, I want to tell you that I completely understand how you feel.  I called my husband a “selfish jerk” in my own mind more times than I want to admit during my own separation.  And quite frankly, even when I look back today, I still think that was quite a selfish period in his life.  We eventually reconciled and I try very hard to only feed my marriage and my mind good thoughts.  But I don’t think any one can argue that there is a “me” focus when someone leaves their family to “find themselves” or to have “space.”

That said, there are instances where the space ends up being a positive thing and the spouse who left comes home and is a much better, and happier, spouse.

And frankly, even if it is undisputed that your spouse IS being a selfish jerk, you can’t really say this.  You can’t really call them out on their selfishness, because this will often only make it worse or make them want that “space” even more.

So what can you do? Well, you can try to set it up so that you don’t feel quite as resentful.  One of the ways that you do this is that you make the space work for you.  By that, I mean that you spend the time on yourself.  You do exactly what he is doing.  You take your own space.  You answer to yourself and you do what you enjoy doing.

It might help to ask him to be accessible so that you are not having to explain things to the kids.   Seeing him making this effort will help you to not be as resentful.

As far as comments from well-meaning family members go, I found that it was always best to try really hard to defer it.  Yes, you might agree that he’s being a jerk.  But saying so doesn’t really do anything for you and it only feeds into the negativity that is already present.  Plus, when you reconcile, you’ll know that you agreed with his critics.

I found it best to say something like: “yes, it is a tough time for us, but I’m hoping that he will work through it soon and we can move on.  He doesn’t take this lightly and it’s hard on all of us.”

All of this true, but it’s not being critical.  I think that you can probably tell by the tone of this article, that I don’t think that all men who ask for space are selfish jerks.  It can feel very selfish at the time and it may even be a selfish act.  But one selfish act over the course of a marriage doesn’t mean that the person committing the act will be a selfish person for the rest of their life, at least in my own experience. After we reconciled, my husband was able to move forward without the focus being on himself.  You can read about how everything worked out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, as we are getting ready to embark on a trial or martial separation, we have certain expectations of how our spouse might act toward us. Many of these assumptions are negative ones. And they are based on fear. We are concerned that our spouse is going to look at us negatively or to try to avoid us. We worry that he will be cold and distant. So when he does something loving or shows genuine concern for our well being, it shocks us. But it also leaves us wondering how we should interpret the gesture.

Here’s a sample scenario. Someone might explain: “when my husband and I separated, he was pretty obnoxious about the fact that he needed time away from me. And he was very direct about the fact that he felt that I was smothering him and that he couldn’t determine what he wanted out of his life as a middle aged man unless he went out on his own. Frankly, I thought this was indulgent and pretty selfish. And although I didn’t tell him this directly, my feelings were probably pretty obvious. For the first two weeks of our separation, we did not speak at all. After that, we spoke maybe once every couple of weeks. He didn’t seem all that interested to hear about what was going on with me. I got in an unfortunate car accident last week. I am OK. It was scary and my car was totaled. I was sore for a couple of days and my back is still a little stiff, but honestly, I am mostly fine. I did not even tell my husband about this. I did not think he would care all that much. But one of our mutual friends apparently told him. And he called me acting very sweet. He must have asked me ten times if I were truly OK. And when I reassured him that I was, he acted as if he were so relieved. He has repeatedly asked me if there is anything that he can do for me. He even brought by my favorite take out foods and acted extremely concerned and caring. This has left me so shocked. It is a complete change in behavior. And I do not know how to interpret this. Why would a separated husband show concern for his wife? Some of my friends say that he probably wants me back. Could this be true? I hope that it is.”

The Positive Signs That Are Right In Front Of You: I know that it must feel a little shocking (and a little reassuring) to see this behavior from him. Much of the time, we assume that our spouse stops caring about us during a separation. But this is usually not true. You have been probably the most important person in your husband’s life for a very long time. He has cared about your well being for equally as long. It doesn’t make sense to think that this care and concern are just going to end because you are separated. Your feelings do not just flip off and on depending on your circumstances.

That care and concern was likely laying there dormant and then the car accident bought it to the surface. Your husband maybe shocked by his behavior also. But it does show that he still cares. As for getting back together, this is harder to predict.

It’s always a positive thing to get confirmation that the feelings are still there. But, the feelings aren’t always the only thing that is needed in order to reconcile. Often, people need to feel that whatever was bothering them enough to make them want to leave has been resolved. So, while the concern he is showing is a very good sign, much of the time, it is a good first step.

Moving Forward: But following up on it would like help matters a great deal. Use this change in his attitude as the stimulus to change the dynamic between you. Now that he is more attentive and caring, offer to get together (or talk) a little more often. The conversation should come a little more easily now and you can use this to work up to something more – if that is both what you want.

I think that it makes sense to be a little careful here. I see a lot of separated spouses get very excited at the first positive response, hope for a reconciliation, and sort of pounce. I did this myself. But often, it will only reverse your progress. If you are pushing, your spouse may be put off and may regret that he even showed concern. Have patience. Use it as a starting point. But don’t expect for one incident to mean that you are going to reconcile.

It is reassuring to know that he still cares. This is important information from which you can work. But I’ve found, from my own experience, it’s almost always better to move deliberately but a bit slowly (unless he’s making it obvious that this isn’t what he wants) than to push and then regret it later.  You can read more about how I used a gradual and deliberate strategy on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are deeply afraid that their unhappy spouse is going to leave them. Often, he has made comments to that effect and it has just become obvious that he is not invested in the marriage anymore. This is usually sad news to the spouse who still wants to save the marriage. They are not sure what to do. But they often feel as there is something horrible and inevitable approaching in the future. And this sense of dread and fear can make them wonder if they should leave their spouse before he can leave them – as kind of a preemptive strike.

Someone might explain: “for the past three months, my husband has been very honest about the fact that he isn’t sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He says he just feels that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer bringing out the best in one another. I agree with the drifting apart stuff, but I do not think that our marriage is dysfunctional in the least. I think we’ve just hit a patch where we became complacent in our marriage and I believe that it could be fixed. However, my husband is not sure that he agrees. I actually heard him on the phone with his brother and he was saying that he might come to visit. To me, this says that he is thinking about leaving me. I was talking to my own sister about this and she said that in her opinion, my husband has not been happy in a long time. She said that if she were me, she would leave him before he can leave me. She said it would be less painful this way because it would make me feel as if I am in the one with the control and that I am the one who is doing to rejecting. It is hard for me to wrap my head around leaving my husband. This is something that, never in my wildest dreams, would I ever envision. It makes me very sad. Is it a good idea to leave your spouse before he can leave you?”

This is probably a decision best made by you. I can tell you my opinion. But I can’t and won’t focus on legalities because I’m certainly not a lawyer or legal expert. I’m not a mental health expert either, but I do have opinions based on going through this sort of situation myself.

Make Sure That You Are Not Reacting To Fear Of The Unknown: I believe that many people in this situation react to anxiety and fear. The idea is that you are going to hurt him before he hurts you. This reminds me of an instance when I was flipping around the channels and the “Kelly And Michael Show” was on. They were to interview the president of the United States the next day. They were discussing their nervousness about the interview and Kelly misspoke. She joked that if someone in the White House were watching, they would likely change their minds about the interview and cancel. Then she said to the producer “why don’t we break up with them before they can break up with us?”

She was totally joking. It was a statement meant to lighten the load. But I remembered this because it struck a chord with me. I think it’s very common in relationships for people to be tempted to bail in order to attempt to save themselves from pain. However, I believe that what they do not consider is that even when you are the one to take control and to take the initiative and leave, it still hurts – quite badly in fact. Essentially, you are still feeling the pain and then you’re bringing on the outcome that you admitted from the very start that you did not want to happen. In other words, you took yourself out of the race before you even had the chance to lace up your shoes and run the race.

Now, there are some situations where your spirit is being damaged by staying. Perhaps your spouse is emotionally or physically abusive. This is a very specific situation and my opinions on this would be different. In this case however, the couple had just grown apart. No one was hurting the other. The relationship had just deteriorated. And the wife believed that things could be turned around.

There Is Much That You Can Change On Your Own: In the case of growing apart, it seems to me it would make sense to at least stick it out and try to change things. People often believe that they need their spouse’s full cooperation in order to save their marriage. And when they don’t get that same cooperation, they assume that their marriage is over and there is nothing that they alone can do to save it. I have found this assumption to be untrue. It’s my experience that sometimes, changing your approach and making small changes with your own actions will eventually inspire your spouse to get with the program.

And I think that in many cases, it is worth it to try this. What do you have to lose? He may leave eventually – I suppose. But before he does, maybe you could try to, at least on your end, pay attention to ways that you might bring back the connection. Because at least this strategy gives you a chance. Walking away before he leaves you may well make you feel empowered momentarily. But then you may realize that the price of that empowerment was letting your husband go – which you’ve already admitted you don’t really want.

When my husband and I were separated, I briefly thought about filing for divorce first.  But I could never bring myself to do it.  And I’m glad I didn’t because we later reconciled.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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