Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who have unhappy spouses.  These folks usually know that this unhappiness is greatly harming their marriage, or even putting it at risk.  But, since the unhappiness isn’t their’s, it’s often not clear how to make this better. We’d all like to think that we could make ourselves happier, but what about someone else?  This is much more difficult.

A wife might say: “my husband admits he’s unhappy.  He has never denied it. I could tell a while back that he was changing his attitude and personality.  I could tell that he didn’t laugh nearly as easily.  He didn’t seem interested in things that used to make him happy.  So when I told him that I noticed that he just didn’t seem content, he told me I was absolutely right.  But he didn’t skip a beat to reassure me that I was not the cause of his unhappiness. He kept saying: ‘it is not you.  I don’t want for you to think that it’s you.  It has nothing to do with you.  It’s just something I have to work out for myself.  I have to learn to live my life in a way that allows me to lessen my stress and increase my joy.  I didn’t realize that being an adult would have a way of draining the happiness right out of you.’  In a sense, I understand what he’s saying.  Some aspects of being a responsible adult are a drag. But that doesn’t stop me from being happy.  I love being married and part of a family.  My friends and family make me happy.  I don’t need for everything to be perfect.  But my husband’s unease is start to affect everything.  He is no longer as excited to go places and spend time with our families. It’s starting to make me unhappy also. I feel like we’re heading to an awful place and I can’t stop it.  He won’t share why he’s unhappy other than to say adult life isn’t always fun.  So I’m not sure what I can do to make him happy.”

Understanding What You Can And Can Not Control: It can be very difficult to accept that we can’t “make” our spouse’s happy.  They have to do that for themselves.  However, I feel very strongly that we can cultivate an environment that is conducive to their happiness.  And, since we likely know our spouse better than anyone else, we can usually help to encourage them to do those things which we suspect will make them more happy.

One thing I can tell you from experience is that you want to avoid asking or wondering aloud what he has to be so unhappy about.  I know it’s tempting to say something like: “well, maybe your expectations are too high.  Many people our age are dealing with the same thing, but you don’t see them moping around and acting like they expect life to be perfect all of the time.”

While this kind of conversation would be understandable, it rarely leads to anywhere positive. I think it’s better to try to have a conversation like: “well I appreciate your reassuring me that it’s not me.  If it was, I’d want to know.  And I want to help you.  Is there any thing that I can do to lessen what you don’t like about your life?  Can I lighten your load in some way?  Do you want to go and talk to someone? I’d go with you if you want.  I just want to help you feel like your self again.”

Keeping An Eye On Your Marriage: He may take you up on the offer.  Or he may tell you that this is something that he needs to work out alone. I’d encourage you to keep a close eye on him.  Because sometimes, an unhappy spouse will eventually project their unhappiness onto their marriage. I am not saying that this will happen.  I’m just saying it’s helpful to be aware of that and to try to help your spouse address this as quickly and effectively as possible.

Ideally, you want this to be a quickly passing thing and not the long term mood of your marriage.  We all go through struggles.  And most of us get through it just fine.  There’s no shame in reaching out for help or support from your family or even a professional.  Every one deserves to feel happy and as if they are living their best life.  There isn’t anything wrong with wanting this.  The key is seeking it together instead of allowing the spouse seeking it to become isolating and distant.

Let him know that you support him and that you want to help him in any way that you can.  I’ve come to believe that the worst thing you can do is to tell him he has nothing to be unhappy about or that it needs to snap out of it. Because when that happens, you run the risk of him thinking that he won’t be happy until he distances himself from you.

My husband’s chronic unhappiness preceded our separation.  I’m not saying that this caused our separation.  There were certainly other problems.  But I feel like his unhappiness magnified everything.  If I had to do it again, I would have paid more attention and taken action more quickly. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  If you’re facing martial problems or a separation, it’s very common to try to fall back onto the very basic connection between you – and that is the love that you share.  Because even when things are difficult, most people can at least realize that even if the loving feelings have evolved and changed somewhat, the core feelings still remain, even if they manifest themselves differently.

A problem can arise when one spouse insists on denying these loving feelings.  A wife can explain a situation like this one: “I’m not going to sugarcoat it.  My marriage stinks right now.  It’s awful.  We fight all of the time.  There are times when I think that my husband and I do not like each other very much.  But when I have those thoughts, I console myself with the fact that deep down, we love one another, even if we don’t express it very well lately. We got into a huge fight last night, and I expressed this sentiment to my husband.  Imagine my shock when he told me that not only did he not love me anymore, but that he didn’t feel anything at all for me.  He went on to say that when he sees me now, the feelings that he feels in response are about the same as when he sees a stranger walk into the room.  He says he feels no hatred and no animosity.  He claims that he feels the absence of love or hatred.  In essence – nothing. At the end of the conversation, he packed a bag, said we were separated, and urged me to just accept it.  I am stunned on so many levels.  In one night, I’ve been told that my husband feels nothing for me and now I am suddenly separated.  Is it possible for a husband to feel absolutely nothing for his wife?”

The Probability: I suppose that it is possible, but I don’t always think that it is likely.  And I find it very telling that his admission occurred after a huge fight.  Certainly, constant fighting and tension can have a negative impact on loving feelings between you.  But I don’t find it plausible that loving feelings are going to completely disappear overnight.  Now, couples who have been fighting and who have been disrespectful to one another for many years can find themselves in a very combative relationship where the love has been replaced with nasty feelings.  But it’s unusual for someone to deny feeling anything at all. (Which is why I think that it is not likely to be true.)

Understanding The Real Dangers Of Indifference: I’m not trying to alarm you, but I’ve come to the opinion that indifference in a marriage (or the lack of any feelings) is a serious danger sign.  Why? Because at least when you are angry at or disappointed in your spouse, you’re still affected by them – which means that you are still emotionally invested.

When someone feels nothing it all, it could mean that they are no longer invested, which can be troublesome.  However, I would give this more weight if your husband had made this announcement in a time of calm rather than when you were fighting.  You obviously know your husband and I do not, but often when something is said in the heat of the moment in this way, it’s mean to hurt or at least to get a reaction.

So yes, I find it unlikely that a husband would suddenly have no feelings whatsoever for his wife. I think that it is more likely that the fighting and the ill-will have dulled those feelings over time.  Does this mean that you can’t get the feelings back?  Absolutely not.  In my own experience, you absolutely can, but it can take a great deal of effort, willingness, and patience.

A Step By Step Process: The first step is to stop whatever is deteriorating the relationship.  In this case, that appears to be the fighting.  A separation can be scary and difficult (I know this first hand also,) but sometimes an unexpected benefit of it is that it stops the fighting, which in turn lays the ground work for healing the relationship.  Some couples are able to do this without counseling, but many take advantage of counseling to help them pause whatever it is deteriorating the feelings.

The Importance Of Everyone Opening Up: Once the fighting is paused or stopped, the key is to restore the loving feelings between you.  This is done by spending time together, having shared experiences, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to receive and give love during this time.  This vulnerability is extremely important.  Why?  Because a man claiming to not “feel anything” is an indication of a man who has shut down.  In order to feel loving again, he’s going to have to willing to eventually open himself up again.

And this can seem less scary once you know that you and your spouse can interact without all of the nasty encounters.  This does not happen immediately and it takes time, determination, and patience.  But to answer the original question, I don’t think it’s likely for a man to suddenly “feel nothing” for his wife. I think that this is possible after a very long period of degeneration of the marriage. Regardless, you always want to pay close attention and take action if your spouse is showing indifference to you or your marriage.  In my experience and opinion, indifference is much more dangerous than anger.  My husband’s indifference scared me much more than his anger.  And it almost cost me my marriage.   You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes when you are reluctantly separated from your spouse, you see communication as a sort of life line. Whether we’re talking about verbal or written communication, touching base with your spouse can feel vital. Because it’s the only way that you have to establish that they are OK and it’s the only way to gage how they might be feeling.

So when they refuse to keep the lines of communication open, it can be extremely frustrating and worrisome. And it can make you wonder if there are some implications to this. Someone might describe this situation: “my husband honestly didn’t seem that angry when he left. He told me that we needed some time apart and assured me that he would be staying with mutual friends of ours. He insisted that neither of us did anything wrong, but that he noticed a distance between us and he felt the need to explore it. We didn’t specifically discuss how often we would talk. But I assumed it would be often since there was no animosity between us. That’s why I was so shocked when my husband started out by ignoring my calls and texts. I got so frustrated with this that I actually called our mutual friends and asked if they could put him on the phone. It took a long time for him to come to the phone, but when he did, he sighed and said ‘I’m not ready to talk yet. I think we should cool it for a while and take a break. And this means taking a break from talking all of the time.’ I didn’t know how to respond. I don’t know what all of this means. Why would he refuse to communicate with me? He has no reason to be angry with me. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

I believe that this situation is quite common. I get a lot of emails from wives who were assured that they would talk regularly. But then once the husband actually leaves, he clams up and that promised communication doesn’t really happen, especially at first. This makes the wife feel scared and a bit betrayed.

I can only speculate as to why he might be avoiding communication. I think that the most likely reason is that he thinks that this going to be necessary to get the space and distance that he’s asked for. He wants to be able to evaluate how he’s feeling and, in order to do that, he may feel that he needs to keep his distance at first. I am not telling you that his thought process is correct. I am just speculating as to what his thought process might be.

Many wives worry that he’s not communicating because he’s already made up his mind that he wants a divorce. I am not sure that you can just automatically assume this until you give it some time and see if he eventually becomes more receptive.

Many wives have no idea how to handle this. Should they just keep calling and texting with the hope that one day soon, he’s going to be receptive? Should they just wait for him to call them and, if they do this, isn’t it more likely that he will never call?

This really is your decision, but it’s my experience that it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to force someone to communicate with you. And when you try this, you usually find that they become angry and even more distant.  At least this was my experience.  During my separation, all I got when I tried to force my husband to communicate was his worsening animosity. So after a while of my getting this reaction, I decided that I was only making things worse and deteriorating our relationship that much more. I do understand how it feels risky and too passive to just wait for him to call. But I didn’t feel there was much of a choice.

Perhaps a good compromise is to say something like this: “I didn’t anticipate that you’d want to limit communication with me, but I realize that I can’t force you to talk to me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’m understanding you correctly, it seems that you want a break from communicating. So I will call you again in a while and see if you’ve changed your mind.”

This leaves things open ended. You’ve allowed him the space he’s asking for, but you’ve also alluded to the fact that after giving him some time, you’ll reach out again. This stops short of committing to waiting endlessly for him to call you.

I know that this is hard. I used to constantly worry that stepping back in this way would mean that my husband would never reach out to me. But honestly, the breaks seemed to make him just a little more interested. I can’t promise that this is always the case, but I’m not sure what other choices there are. You can’t force this on him. And you want to keep the possibility of positive communication open in the future. But if you push or try to push this, then you jeopardize the future communication. It makes sense to sometimes back away and give him the time he’s asked for and then revisit to see if his stance has changed. There’s more about this delicate balance on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated but wanting desperately to reconcile, you can look for any opportunity to have hope. If your husband calls, asks to see you, or shows any level of commitment or interest, it can be cause for celebration – until it is not. Because those small moments of victory can be fleeting. Perhaps you start to second guess. Perhaps you mention your happiness to friends or family members and they tell you that you are getting way too excited. In short, it feels good to get your hopes up, but you worry that it will feel really bad if your hopes are dashed.

And unfortunately, this can commonly come up during special occasions when you want to feel happy and festive. Common situations where you see this happening are birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. A wife might explain: “my husband and I have been separated for almost five months. During that time, I haven’t had much of a reason to hope that things are improving. Although I’d be more than willing to try to reconcile, my husband has not seemed to be willing to do this. He rarely has asked to see me, although we have been talking on the phone regularly. During our last conversation, he told me that he wanted to take me out to a nice birthday dinner. My first inclination was that he was doing this merely out of obligation. However, I never hesitated to say yes. I would prefer that it not be out of obligation, but I will take what I can get. I asked him where we were going and how I was supposed to dress. His response was that I should ‘look beautiful because why shouldn’t a man take his wife to a nice dinner to show his appreciation on her birthday?’ Maybe I am reading too much into this, but he is almost describing this in romantic terms. Now I find myself counting down the days and worrying about what I am going to wear and what I am going to say. I confided in my best friend about this and although she appears to be happy for me, her response was ‘just be careful. I don’t want to see you read too much into this and then be disappointed after your birthday is over and everything returns to normal.’ I see her point. I’m afraid of that also. But I want to feel some excitement for a change. How do I not read too much into this? How do I temper my excitement?”

I know firsthand that it can be hard to strike a balance here. You would love to believe that this dinner is the first of many and that this might be your first step on the way to a reconciliation. At the same time, because your husband hasn’t given you a lot of reason to be hopeful so far, you don’t want to be unrealistic about this and get hurt.

I understand. Our hearts can feel so fragile during our separation that it is human nature to want to protect them at all costs. At the same time though, you don’t want to be on your guard so much that you can not enjoy the dinner or you give your husband a vibe that you don’t want to be there.

Likewise, you don’t want to give off the vibe that the dinner means “absolutely everything” because then your husband might feel pressured, shut down, and worry about asking you to get together again in the near future.

From my own experience, I came to believe that the best way to approach this was to remind yourself to live in the moment. You have every right to want to enjoy yourself on your birthday. No one forced your husband to ask you. And frankly, if he truly didn’t want to, then he probably wouldn’t. So, he has asked you in response to his own free will. Remember that.

And also remember that this is a day that you deserve to (and should) enjoy. Tell yourself that you will be fully present during this dinner and enjoy every second. You will concentrate on the conversation and surroundings at hand without allowing yourself to temper the enjoyment of the present by drifting into the future.

We don’t know what the future holds. Today is all we have. We shouldn’t cut into our enjoyment of it by worrying about far-off things. I know that this is easier said than done. I know that you may have to remind yourself of this throughout the dinner and that is OK.

But frankly, if you just enjoy yourself, you increase the chances that they will be future meetings and outings.  His asking you is a good sign, no matter how you slice it. But if you overanalyze it so much that you cripple yourself and put a damper on things, you not only won’t enjoy it as much as you should, you may make it less likely that there will be more to come.

Vow to have a good time and enjoy yourself, but let things unfold as they will. Take it one moment at a time and enjoy every second of it.

I wish I had been able to take my own advice when I was separated.  I overanalyzed everything.  I know that this was one reason that it took us so long to reconcile.  Once I relaxed my grip and took a wait and see approach, things changed in an eventual and wonderful way. There’s more to the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s one feeling that you can pretty much count on when you’re dealing with a separation that you aren’t sure that you wanted in the first place – that of missing your spouse.

This often feels like a painful, dull ache that you are aware of almost all of the time. It’s not like the feeling that you get when your spouse is away on business or visiting family, but you know that he is going to be coming back soon. No, this is different – because you don’t know if he’s ever going to be back in the same way. And you find yourself going over and over old memories in your mind. You focus on the good times and you are well aware that it might never be that good again. You will often try to minimize this deep feeling of missing him by calling or stopping by. This doesn’t always work, though. Even if the phone call or visit goes well, that just makes you miss him more. And sometimes, it doesn’t go well at all, which makes you wonder if he misses you even a fraction of the amount of that you miss him.

You might think that if you could just stop missing him this desperately, your situation might improve. You might hear this type of explanation: “every morning when I wake up, my first thought that I miss my separated husband. And every night when I go to sleep, that is my last thought as my head hits the pillow. It’s almost all that I can think about. It’s affecting my job and my other relationships. And sometimes, it makes me so desperate that I call my husband and I say desperate things that I very much regret the next day. It almost feels like an addiction that I can’t shake. I am fixated on how much I miss him. I know it’s probably not healthy. And I want to stop. But I am not sure how. I figure if I can stop myself from missing him so desperately, I might stop the behaviors. How do you force yourself not to miss him?”

Understand What Is Realistic: I am not sure that it is realistic to think that you can completely stop yourself from missing him. In order to do that, you’d almost have to forget your situation. And although you can get up your resolve and promise yourself that you will stop missing him this much, you really can not control your thoughts.

Understand The Art Of Diversion And Staying Busy: But what you can control is whether or not you discourage those thoughts and how you do (or do not) act on them. I found one truth when I was going through this myself. It is very difficult to have two thoughts at once. So in order to stop all of the thoughts about my marriage and my husband, I had to keep my mind busy thinking other thoughts.

In order to successfully do this, I had to be very conscious of focusing my mind elsewhere. I had to be absorbed in what I was doing so that my mind wouldn’t wander. Tasks like washing the dishes which didn’t require concentration did not work for this because these are mindless things that almost promote your mind going back to your problems. But things like learning new hobbies or reading a book that requires your undivided attention can work quite well. Also, actively talking to someone about their life and not yours works well for this too.

I guess that is why that I learned to knit and crochet during my separation. I am not crafty by nature, but I wanted to make something to give to someone else. (Charity yarn-work is a wonderful hobby.   Someone in need gets a handmade item to keep them warm and you feel wonderful.) Learning this skill did require my full attention and it required me trying over and over again. I started and stopped countless projects before I had one that I felt was decent enough to give away.

I also supported a couple of friends who had their own challenges. I listened to and offered my love and support to them without bringing up my own issues. Anything that requires your undivided attention and can divert your focus away form your marriage for a while is fair game. Yes, you have to actively look for these activities and you have to have the discipline to disengage when you find yourself starting to dwell on my marriage or on how much you miss him.

Changing Your Outlook: Here’s another thing that I found helpful. I took on a different point of view. In the beginning, my thinking was something like this: “I am so worried that I won’t do the right thing. Because if I mess this up, my husband is going to be lost to me forever and I can’t take this because I miss him so much.”   Once I changed my outlook, I’d try to think something like: “the universe is going to watch over me. If it is meant for me to be with my husband, if it is in my best interest, then it will happen. It may not happen in the time frame that I want. But if it’s truly meant to be and if it is right, then I just have to be patient. If not, then perhaps it’s not meant to be for a reason that I’m not seeing.”

I can’t tell you that I always bought into this thinking. But it did help a good deal of the time. I didn’t find anything that completely stopped me from missing my husband. But my methods did keep the feelings from being as intense and frequent. And it also kept me from me constantly acting on them in ways I later regretted.  Don’t let me fool you, though.  There were certainly times when I regressed and had regrettable behavior.  But in the end, we did reconcile.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Of all of the concerns that I hear about during a trial or marital separation, communication is one of the most common.  Feelings are right up there too, but this article is going to focus on communication – specifically, telephone calls.

Many times, the spouse who never wanted to separate is very unhappy with the frequency of the calls.  And sometimes, because of this, they will take matters into their own hands and be the one to do all of the calling. Unfortunately, the outcome isn’t always what they had hoped.  Because their husband either doesn’t always pick up or he seems very annoyed or distracted during the call.

Sometimes, the strategy is to let the husband be the one who makes the calls.  But when you do this, you are stuck accepting his schedule, which can be sporadic and light.  And then you can start to wonder about what it all means – this lack of calling regularly.  And your mind may start to strategize as to how you might change this.

A common question is one like this: “we have been separated for about three weeks.  The only time my husband called every day was during the first three days of our separation, mostly to tell me that he made it to his destination OK and that he was getting settled in.  After that, though, there was very little.  He doesn’t call every day.  He may go days without calling and then for a while, he’ll go every day.  And so I will take the initiative and call him, but that’s not the answer either because he either doesn’t answer or gives me one syllable answers when I try to talk to him. I don’t understand why he would call one day and not the next?  I can’t imagine that he would forget.  And I can’t imagine that he would be so busy that he can’t fit in a very short phone call just to keep me from wondering and worrying.  Why can’t he do this?  Why does he call one day and then there’s only silent the next?”

I can only speculate, as I don’t know your husband. However, from the correspondence that I get and from my own experiences, it seems like this is a common practice.  And I admit that it’s the kind of behavior that I saw from my own husband.  My guess is that they are trying to see how it is going to feel to have limited communication.  And they are trying to get that space and distance that so many of them have asked for.  They may call one day because they miss you or are genuinely curious and they may not call the next day because they’re just trying to get a handle on their feelings.

I understand firsthand how hard this is and how difficult it is to just accept it.  But every time I tried to push my husband into doing more of what I wanted him to do during my own separation, I mostly regretted it because it got me more of the behavior that I was trying to stop in the first place.

I know that this doesn’t sound reassuring, but I think that there are things that you can try to help this situation.  I know that it’s tempting that, when he calls less, then you want to call more. In my experience, that’s risky because very often, he will retreat even more so that when the calls do occur, they don’t go very well.  That makes him dread the calls so that while you are getting the call that you insisted on, nothing productive is happening.

I’ve come to believe that it’s important that the calls go as good as they possibly can.  Even if this means that there are less of them at first. Sure, you can’t expect every phone call to be wonderful, but if you can have a pleasant and productive conversation, then he will look forward to the next one, which in turn will usually make him call more.

The other option is to try to establish a more settled routine.  You can say something like: “I know that I am not supposed to, but I worry when I don’t hear from you.  Is there anyway that we can check in more regularly?  If you don’t feel like talking, maybe you can send a text? It feels so odd not to touch base every day.  Do you think we can work out a compromise of some kind?”

His answer should give you more information about how open or defensive he is about this.  When this happened to me, I would text my husband and ask if he was free to talk.  That way, I didn’t have to endure listening to his frustration when he got a phone call from me that he didn’t want at the time.  Eventually, I vowed to just let him call me for a while because I found that my chasing him via text or calls just wasn’t doing anything for me.  This did seem to help some.  What helped the most in our situation was the face to face meetings.  They didn’t happen as often as I liked.  But like the phone calls, I tried to make them count so that I could be sure that there would always be a next time.  Of course, I made many mistakes, but I eventually found the things that helped the most and the things that caused the most damage.  After that, I made careful choices. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when your spouse is telling you that he wants a separation, you feel as if you are getting conflicting information. For example, he will often insist that he still loves you while wanting to be away from you for a little while. And it can be very difficult to reconcile these two facts.

A wife might say: “I am not going to call my husband a liar, but I can’t fathom how he might be telling me the truth. A couple of weeks ago, he told me that he was going to move out for a while. He said that he needed some time to think about things and that he can’t do that while we live together. We’ve had a bit of a rocky road lately, but I did not think that it was anything this major. I started crying when he told me this. He asked why I was crying and I said because he didn’t love me anymore. His response was: ‘who said I didn’t love you? I never said that.’ I answered that men who love their wives do not seek a separation. He told me that this wasn’t true. He said that he still loves me, but wants some time away from me. I don’t understand this. If he still loved me, why would he want a separation?”

Various Reasons That Loving Spouses Separate: If you asked this question to a roomful of people, you’d likely get a wide variety of answers. Some people will tell you that he is just saying that he still loves you to soften the blow. They’ll tell you that this separation business is all meant to ease you into a divorce.

I do not always believe this. Sure, there are probably some people who do use this strategy. But in my own experience and from the correspondence that I get, there are plenty of couples who still love one another but who separate for a while to try to let things cool down or to sort things out. I do believe that my husband still loved me while we were separated. I know that I still loved him.

I believe that you can love someone, but dislike the conflict that you have with them and think that a break might help. I’ve had people tell me that they love their spouse more than anything in the world but currently can not live with them because things are just too tense.

Some people are fully aware that they still love their spouse, but they think that the marriage isn’t working anymore so they want to test out living alone. Or they separate as a sort of experiment to see how much they will miss their spouse.

Other times, they want to see a change in behavior or circumstances, so they initiate the separation to get their spouse’s attention, even though they are fully aware that the love is still there.

People can love their spouses but be unhappy in their marriages. People can love their spouses and still want to initiate change. And people can feel the love, but still be confused about their overall feelings.

Focuses On The Right Things To Get The Right Result: If he is telling you that he still loves you, then you have to ask yourself what reason would he have to lie? I think rather than worrying about something that you can’t change, you’re perhaps better off looking at what is causing that “rocky road” in your marriage you spoke of before.

Addressing and taking away the conflict is one effective way of addressing the separation. Reestablishing your bond, your intimacy, and your communication are additional ways. But I don’t think there is any upside with arguing with him as to whether or not he truly loves you. Or with debating why he would want the separation.

Debating this when you’re already living apart is like stepping backward. The most efficient thing to do might be to switch gears and now address what it is going to take to get him home. For most people, that is the addressing of the conflict and reestablishing the bond so that he realizes that he is going to be happier at home than somewhere else.

But back to the original question, I firmly believe that separated couples can and do still love another. It’s not always the love that is at issue. Frankly, I firmly believe that my mother still loves my father and yet, they have been divorced for twenty years. They never learned to live together without fighting all of the time. And eventually, neither of them wanted to live like that anymore. So they moved onto other people and ended up divorced to their second spouses.  Because they never took the time to learn how to communicate with their partner – no matter who that partner turned out to be.

I think it’s really smart to focus on the right issue. If he’s telling you it’s not the lack of love, then focus on what it really is. You would know the core issue better than I would. But I suspect that if you focus on what is truly causing his concern, you will get a better result.

There were times when I doubted my husband’s love during our separation.  He certainly didn’t act very loving during that time.  But after our reconciliation, he admitted that he had never stopped.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who now characterize their marriage as a “bad” one. Many of them see the irony in this because, early on, they would have insisted that their marriage was a good one. It’s often obvious how much your marriage has changed. But what might not be so obvious is whether or not it is possible to change it back.

Someone might ask: “is it ever possible to make a bad marriage good again? I honestly believe that my marriage used to be a very good one – even a great one. My husband and I have always had our differences, but we supported one another and we always felt connected. For the last couple of years though, I would characterize my marriage as pretty bad. It seems that we are always fighting. I wish I could tell you our central problem, but I can’t. We fight over tiny, stupid things. We can’t agree on anything. I always feel like he doesn’t appreciate or notice me. And he always feels like I’m nagging him. We don’t really talk anymore and I find myself going out with my friends instead of him. I don’t want our marriage to ultimately end. I still love him, but I can’t seem to relate to him. I’d like to make our marriage good again, but I don’t even know if that would be possible.”

Defining What You Mean By A ‘Bad’ Marriage: I think the ease in which you can make changes depends upon what you mean by a bad marriage. There are marriages in which the connection and the intimacy has waned, but where the respect and at least some affection is still there. And then there are marriages where one spouse disrespects the other or where the marriage is harmful to one or both. In my opinion, this is a much less healthy, and challenging, situation. Luckily, that is not what we are talking about here and this is not the type of “bad” marriage I am going to address.

When ‘Bad’ Means A Marriage That Has Lost Its Way: I’ll be talking about those marriages that started with two people who loved and respected one another very much but, somewhere down the line, the marriage sort of lost its way. When people tell me that they fight constantly but about nothing in particular, my first thought is always that they may be dancing around one central issue that they may or may not be aware of.

It’s very common for that central issue to be a loss of connection and intimacy. Somewhere along the line, the marriage stopped being the highest priority. Perhaps life got in the way, or some stressor that was no one’s fault demanded your full and only attention. Whatever the reason, it is very common for the fighting to start once the lack of attention causes the connection to end.

Understanding What The Fights Are Really About: People often pick fights or engage in heated conversation in an attempt – any attempt – to communicate with their spouse. They are trying to get a reaction simply because it is at least something. Often, people have no idea that they are doing this. They only know that they are fighting all of the time and they do not know how to stop.

In my experience, the first step is to just try to watch what is happening very objectively. What leads up to the fights? How do you react? Is there a pattern to them? Are they predictable? If you can identify the sequence in which they normally go, then you can formulate a plan to interrupt or stop that sequence.

The Reconnection Key: Another thing that you might want to consider is turning your attention to reconnecting. You may or may not want to tell your husband that you are doing this, depending on how receptive he will be. But many people find that if they make a very conscious effort to not feed into the negativity, to listen more than talk, and to really try to spend more positive time with their spouse without a lot of pressure, they will notice a huge difference in a very short period of time.

Frankly, your marriage is like any other relationship or aspect your life that is important to you. If you value it and you want to keep it healthy, you must take care of it. You can not expect your car to run at peak capacity if you don’t maintain it. Your garden won’t bloom if you do not fertilize it. Your friendships and family relationships can not thrive if you do not invest your time and your emotions into them.

Your marriage is not an exception. So many of us get complacent with time. We figure that once we have been together for a long time, these investment rules do not apply to us. We feel like we have put in our time and now we should get to coast. But where your marriage is concerned, you never get to coast. Any happily married couple will tell you this. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. The more you allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest, the more intimately connected you will feel to your spouse.

It took a marital separation to finally convince me that very few marriages are able to thrive (or even survive) through neglect. I assumed that our love would pull us through, but I almost lost my marriage because of this assumption. You can read it all on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who had assumed that their separation would be over by now. Many had timelines in their mind and, by their calculations, their spouse should already be back. Much of these time, these folks want to know for how much longer they have to wait.

I might hear a wife say: “my husband and I have already been separated for three months, but it feels like forever. When my husband went to stay with friends, he told me that he was only going to be gone a short time to clear his thoughts. So I really expected for him to be gone for two weeks, tops. Well, it’s been three months. And every time I ask him what is taking so long, he just tells me that he’s not ready to come home yet. Well, when is he going to be ready? How many months does it take a separated husband to come home?”

I wish I could give you a very specific, and a very accurate, time line. But I can’t. Some men come home quite quickly. Some men never come home. It really just depends on the situation, the man, and how well the two of you have been able to address the situation that contributed to him thinking that he wanted to leave in the first place.

It’s Not Necessarily The Time Frame That Matters.  It Is The Healing: Many people assume that if a man leaves and returns quickly, this is the best case scenario. Although it alleviates the uncertainty and the loneliness fairly quickly, it isn’t always the best route, at least in terms of your marriage. Because those very quick separations leave very little time for working through your problems or for healing. Some people who return quickly are only responding to the fact that they miss their spouse or they miss being home. But they are not responding to the fact that the issues have been worked through.

My point is that it’s not always right to assume that the longer the separation, the less hopeful the outcome for the marriage or the more the couple still love one another.

My own separation lasted for months. I assumed that this was a very bad sign. Family members told me that it was clear that my husband was no longer invested in me and that I needed to cut my losses and move on. I knew that these folks were probably right, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I really knew that I wasn’t ready to give up. And, despite our very long separation (at least it felt that way in my own mind,) we are still married today and many of the changes we made during our separation ensured that our marriage is much-improved.

So it’s advisable to not worry too much about the time line. I know it’s hard when he’s gone. I know that you want him home. But you are better off worrying more about what improvements you have been able to make to yourself, to your life, and to your marriage than you are worrying about how many days it has been since he has left.

Because the bottom line is this. Most husbands come home once they are satisfied that the dissatisfaction that they had before is gone. Either the husband realizes that he was mistaken in the first place or he comes to believe that the problems have been addressed so that he doesn’t have to be dissatisfied anymore.

Sometimes this happens quickly and efficiently and sometimes it takes quite a bit longer. But I believe that it’s a potential mistake to think that all you have to do is wait a certain amount of time and that he’s going to come back automatically after a certain time frame. Because this isn’t always guaranteed.

People evaluate during separations. They change course. They change their minds. They may decide to go another way or they may decide that they are no happier without their spouse than they were with them.

I know that this sounds bleak and unfair, but you have more control than you think. You have control over how things go when you see and talk to your husband. And your interactions with him influence how he sees the situation and whether or not he wants to come home. That’s why you’re much better off trying to make sure this conversation is pleasant rather than demanding to know why it’s taking him so long to come home. When you do this, you’re likely contributing to him being gone even longer.

I understand losing your patience when you want for him to come home.  But try to see it in the long term.  It is better to have patience and have him home for good than it is to rush it and have him still be unhappy or worse, to leave again.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Admittedly, not everyone who tells their spouse that they want them to leave, take a break, or pursue a trial separation is telling the absolute truth.  In fact, many spouses will make these claims simply because they want to get their spouse’s attention or they are trying to get their spouse to change.  Some spouses will make this claim when they are unsure about their marriage – or are feeling insecure in it.  The hope is that their spouse will rise to the occasion, fight for the marriage, and prove his love.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t always react in the way that we had hoped.

Here’s what I mean.  A wife might say: “I never intended for my marriage to be at risk because of this.  But I was so angry with my husband at the time.  He has started going out with this group of friends that I can not stand.  Then he drinks and acts like a fraternity boy.  I know he’s trying to fit in at his new job and part of fitting in is going out with coworkers.  But I married a responsible guy who doesn’t act immature.  The way my husband is acting now, he is not the man I married.  We had many discussions and even fights about this, so to get his attention, I told him if he loved his friends so much, he should move out and stay with them.  He did.  I anticipated that he would beg me to come home and promise to cut down on his going out, particularly with that group of friends.  I expected, and wanted, for him to fight for me.  But he seems to just accept that we are going to separate.  He does not ask me to reconsider.  It is almost like this is fine with him and he sees it as an opportunity to go out with his friends even more.  I am so sad and disappointed.  Why would he not fight for me?  Why would he just let me go so easily? Does he not love me anymore?”

I don’t think that it’s fair or accurate to assume that he doesn’t love you anymore.  Everyone responds differently to this type of situation.  Although you and I might fight in this situation, that is not going to be everyone’s response.  And there are plenty of valid reasons that he may be acting a bit more passive.  I will list some of them below.

It May Not Be In His Personality To Fight:  If you asked me to go and make a public speech about something that is important to me, I would have a very hard time doing it – despite my passion about the topic.  This is true even if  I was only speaking to a small group.  There’s a reason that I love to write instead of speak.  It is just not in my personality to want to communicate what I’m thinking verbally.  It may not be in your husband’s personality to “fight” for you.  Some people are just more passive in their actions.  This doesn’t mean that they don’t feel anything.  It just means that they are more reluctant to act on their feelings.  Or they may act in a less demonstrative way.

He May Know What You Are Doing:  Your husband may know full well that you don’t really want a separation or divorce.  So, knowing this, he feels it is unnecessary to do anything other than wait.  Now, I know what you may be thinking: “well, I’ll show him. I can wait him out.”  But, that’s probably not the best call. You have to ask yourself what you really want.  And if you continue on with this bluff, you put your marriage at risk.

He May Not Like The Method:  Your husband may be concerned and frightened about the state of your marriage.  But he may also be resentful that you asked him to leave without talking it out first.  He may be reacting to the way that you left things rather than to the fact that you are living apart right now.

He May Be Hoping That It Will Turn Out Fine Without Him Having To ‘Fight.‘  Some people are just optimists who believe that if a relationship is right, things will just fall into place in the end.  Your husband may be one of these people.  He may know that this will likely work out without him needing to do anything because, at the end of the day, you love each other.  For some people, that is all that is required.

He May Be Dealing With Something Else:  When people exhibit drastic changes in behavior, this is sometimes an indication that they are under stress.  Perhaps he feels a lot of pressure at his job.  Sometimes, people will focus on the stressor that caused the change in behavior in the first place rather than focusing on the fall out from it.

Your Options Moving Forward:  You may wonder where you go from here.  Well, you have to ask yourself what you really want.  You could try this strategy a little longer and see if he comes to any realizations or begins to fight for you.  Or, you could tell him the truth which is that you miss him and that, although you very much want to see him adjust his social schedule, you never wanted to officially separate.  Instead, you just thought a break might help both of you gain some perspective about how you are approaching your marriage.  His response might tell you more about what he is truly thinking and feeling.

You could try: “I’m a little disappointed that you did not have a stronger reaction to being asked to leave. I know it was wrong of me to ask you to move out in order to get you to change.  But I wasn’t sure what else to do.  I don’t want a separation, but I do want you to stay home more.  Is there any way that we can compromise without us having to live apart?”

His response may tell you more than his lack of “fight” does.  Not everyone is going to react in the same way. But when you ask him directly, his words might tell you everything you need to know.

I did fight for my husband and for my marriage during my separation and it was worth it.  That’s just in my personality.  But I am not sure that, if the roles had been reversed, he would have fought for me.  Regardless, we are still together.  We saved our marriage.  So it only takes one person. You are that person. You can read more about how I got him to come around at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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