Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we have a bit of a warning period before our spouse actually pursues a separation. He tells us that he isn’t happy and that he thinks he needs some time away. Perhaps he has to take a few days to find an apartment. So, we sometimes have time to brace ourselves before the actual separation takes place.  Often, during this time period, we hope that things are not going to be as bad as we fear. We pray that our husband will actually be sweet during the separation and will very quickly come to realize that he misses us. Sure, he may obviously be struggling, but maybe the separation will make things more clear to him. Perhaps he will realize how lucky he is to have a wife who is patient and supportive during this time.

This is the hope. But it is not always the reality. Some wives are left to struggle with a husband who isn’t always sweet and who is not at all consistent in his behaviors. And this can be incredibly frustrating.

A wife might say: “I am honestly so frustrated with my separated husband. He is acting like a spoiled, sulky child. He needed time, so I gave it to him. I helped him find an apartment and I encouraged him and told him that I hoped things got better for him. The understanding was that we would meet often for dinner to stay connected. Now he’s too busy every time I ask to see him. He cuts every conversation short. When I am asking him if he’s enjoying his space, he tells me that no, he is not, but that he feels it is what he has to do. So he’s not happy without his space and he is not happy with it. He seems to think that every one should just expect for their lives to be perfect. And if they are not, then they need to take drastic measures like taking a break from a perfectly good marriage. There’s no making him happy. And meanwhile, he pulls further and further away from me. It is so very frustrating. I find myself getting very angry with him and I know that I shouldn’t because I really do want my marriage back. How do I deal with this frustration?”

I think that one of the hardest things to do during a martial separation is to understand and accept that things often do change. When your husband is acting this way, you will often assume that he is always going to act this way – without any change. It’s easy to assume this when we’re feeling so discouraged But sometimes, out of the blue, improvements come. People’s feelings change as they have that time they’ve asked for. It’s normal for both people to struggle during the separation. It’s also normal for them to change their minds.

Part of trying to diminish the frustration is to understand that your husband may not act this way forever. Better days may be ahead. In the meantime, it’s important to try to distract yourself with other things so that you are not so focused on your frustration.

My experience is that sometimes, the best thing you can do is keep giving him his space and not push, not be judgmental, and not announce just how frustrating his behavior truly is.  In his eyes, this may make you seem accusatory and it may make him even more distant from you.

When I experienced this, I decided to back off for a while. My husband and I have mutual male friends, so I made sure that someone would be there to offer his support while I gave him space. I figured that, since he really didn’t want my support during that particular time, I could make it clear that I was there if he needed me, but I arranged to have a close friends of his step up to take on that supporting role.  My husband was much more willing to spend time with those friends than with me. And at least I knew he was in good hands.  I got a break from my frustration and he got a break from my pressure.

Even though we have reconciled, I still look back and believe his behavior was particularly frustrating during that time. He pushed me away and then seemed to get angry at me for it. However, to be fair, I probably was not on my best behavior either. I was clingy and always questioning him at a time when he was trying to sort things out for himself.

My point is, none of us are at our best during a separation.  Sometimes, one or both of you seems to need a break and at that time, potentially the best thing to do is to back away a little and try again at a time when your husband may be more receptive.

As I said before, although I know that right now, it may seem as if your husband is always going to be confused and frustrating, things may well get better as emotions calm down and you are both able to see things a little more clearly. Sometimes, that process does take more time than we would like.

My separation honestly seemed to take forever.  But better times were ahead.  I just had to stick it out and hang in there.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common complaints that I hear from separated wives is that they are really struggling emotionally and their husband doesn’t seem to care. Often, the wife’s perception is that he isn’t at all concerned about her feelings. Understandably, this hurts deeply.

She might describe it this way: “my husband gave me the old ‘I need space and so I am pursuing a separation’ line. I had no choice but to watch as he packed his things and moved out. He tried to make it sound like it was just temporary and that, although he still loved me, he just needed to be a little selfish and think about his own thoughts and wishes. He promised he wasn’t going to date anyone else. He knew that I wasn’t happy about this, but I tried to hide how devastated I really was. I doubted having a wife who was crying would fit in well with his whole selfish vibe. The truth is though, that the longer the separation goes on, the more I struggle. It is hard to be the only one handling every aspect of taking care of the kids and the house. It is hard to answer people’s questions when they ask when he is coming back. It is hard to wonder if we will ever be the same again. So sometimes when my husband calls and asks how I’m doing, I can’t help but share these thoughts – at least a little bit. But every time I do, my husband so clearly shuts down. It so clearly turns him off. He finds an excuse to get off the phone immediately. It makes me angry. And hurt. I’m sorry that reality brings him down. I’m sorry that I’m not ecstatic to worry that my marriage might be falling apart. I feel that it’s very selfish that he doesn’t care. How do I deal with him when he doesn’t care at all about how I feel?”

I want you to know that what you are going through is not rare. It is not wrong. Your feelings are very common. And trying hard to entice him to show some concern is understandable. However, I want to offer some help in this article. And I think that the best way to help might be to try to help you understand why you are seeing this behavior and what might be an effective way to handle it.

His Behavior Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That He Doesn’t Care: People tend to shut down their emotions during a separation – especially if they are the one who initiated it. Facing the fact that you are causing your spouse pain makes you feel guilty. And this might be the last thing that you want if you’re trying to focus on yourself. That’s why, although he may care very deeply, he’s trying to push down those feelings so that he can focus on determining what he’s feeling and what he wants. He may worry that focusing on your feelings doesn’t allow him to get an honest read on his own feelings.

Understand Human Nature Under Stress: I know that right now, you might be a little angry at your husband and think that he’s particularly selfish. I understand why you’d feel this way. I felt the exact same way during my own separation, (but more on that later.)  It might help to look at this objectively and to understand that as human beings, sometimes when we are under stress, we focus more on ourselves than on others. We are more focused on caring about our own feelings than those of someone else.  When we’re trying to deal with our issues, sometimes, we do not want to hear about other people’s issues – at least right at that moment.

It is sometimes hard for women to understand this because we tend to be caregivers. It can be normal for us to care more for others than ourselves. But during times of stress, people do revert back to extreme self care and they will focus more on themselves, even if they know that it’s a little selfish.

What This Means In Terms Of Strategy: I am not going to tell you that it’s wrong to want your husband to care. But I am going to tell you that, in my opinion and experience, trying to get him home based on your hurt feelings is often an ineffective strategy. During this time, he is focused on what he is feeling and on what he truly wants. So when you come in and you try to insinuate that he should come home or cut the separation short because you’re struggling or because the separation is making you sad or causing distress, he is going to tend to shut you out and focus on his own feelings. He will zone out when you tell him about the latest problems at home.  But he will zone in when you ask him about how he’s doing.

If you have seen this “zoning out” happen repeatedly, then it’s my opinion that this can be an indication that it’s time to change strategies. Think about it this way. Since he’s focused on his own feelings and his own wishes, doesn’t it make sense to focus your strategy on that, at least right now? If only to get his attention? Since he doesn’t seem to be motivated by your feelings, then instead of continuing with forcing this on him, the better strategy might be to try to set it up so that his feelings and wishes are moving favorably to the marriage.

No, you can’t control what he feels or thinks. But you have a better chance of him thinking favorably if you try to focus on positive things and interactions. If every time he calls you, the focus is on sadness and struggles, then this may affect the outcome of those conversations. He may start to dread talking to you or even to avoid it. But if you can change that dynamic and make things more positive, then the conversations may become more frequent and he may show you more empathy – which is what you truly want.

I am not telling you that you should just accept that he doesn’t seem to care. But I am suggesting that he probably does care more than he’s showing and that sometimes, it’s best to take the focus off of that until the dynamic changes.

There were times during my own separation when I was sure that my husband cared more about strangers than he cared about me.  But the more I tried to force him to care, the less he did.  Once we reconciled, I learned that in fact he still cared very much, but my approach was turning him off.  You can learn more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are the one who has been fighting desperately to keep your spouse from pursuing a separation, then you’re usually searching for any indication that he may not go through with it. You’re looking for signs that he might be losing his resolve, is struggling with his reasoning, or may be a bit confused about his feelings.

A wife might ask about a situation like this one: “when my husband first told me that he wanted a separation, he already had it all planned out. He had narrowed his apartment search down to a handful of places and he had already prepaid the mortgage months in advance so I wouldn’t have to worry about it while he was gone. He also hired a lawn company so I wouldn’t have to mow the yard. At that time, it was pretty obvious to me that he seemed sure that this is what he wanted. He honestly didn’t seem to have a lot of doubts. But after a few weeks, he still hadn’t moved out. I asked him why and he said he was still making arrangements. More weeks went by. The lawn people had started doing the lawn, but he still didn’t move out. I stopped asking why. I’m just glad he’s still here. Some days he is genuinely sweet and loving to me and I will think that maybe we aren’t getting separated after all, but then I’ll overhear him telling a friend that we’ll be separated soon. However, the next day he’s back to acting like he’s very married and somewhat happy. I don’t understand all of this. Is it possible that he is confused about what he wants? What are the signs to look for to indicate that this might be true?”

I think that there is a perception that when someone asks for a separation, they have spent a lot of time thinking it through and that they know without any doubt that this is what they want. This perception isn’t always true. Even people who feel that it would be best to separate have nagging doubts about it. Many people truly struggle with whether or not it is the right thing to do. I hear from very few people who are pursuing a separation without any conflicting feelings at all. Below, I’ll list some typical signs that the spouse who is pursuing a separation might have some doubts or confusion about it.

Wanting To Take Care Of You Or Make This Easier For You: A spouse who still cares very much will often try to pre arrange things so that your life is as easy as it can possibly be while he’s not around. An example is your husband pre paying the mortgage and getting lawn service. He may also ask friends or family to look out for you. He may have mutual friends check in.

A Changing Attitude Toward You From One Day To The Next: Spouses with conflicting feelings have a hard time hiding this. That’s why they may be combative or distant one day and loving and affectionate the next. You are experiencing on the outside what they are feeling on the inside. And their feelings are fluctuating. This is also why you may not see them taking decisive action, which leads me to my next point.

They May Be Dragging Their Feet When It Comes To Actually Leaving The Home Or Separating: Spouses who are very sure about their desire to separate will often move out quite quickly. In fact, many of them don’t even give you much warning before they are gone. The fact that it has been weeks and he’s still home could very well be a good sign.

Suggestions On How To Handle This: A confused spouse can be a good sign when you don’t want to separate. However, I can’t tell you his confusion means that he won’t eventually move out or that you won’t eventually separate. Spouses with conflicting feelings will still sometimes move forward anyway, so the goal should be to try to set it up so that he does not actually move out.

I know that it’s tempting to demand that he stop being so indecisive and wishy washy. I know that it might be very tempting to say: “I’m tired of not being sure what tomorrow is going to bring. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage. Are we separating or not?” You’d have a right to ask this, but I don’t think it’s the best strategy. He might get frustrated and move out just to stop the questions.

I think that the better tactic is to try to improve things between you so that he doesn’t feel the need to move out. You don’t want to overdo this though. Because if you come on too strong about it, then any improvements and changes may not seem genuine and he may think that you’re only making the changes so that he doesn’t move out. Instead, try to be supportive, casual, and accommodating without seeming desperate or manipulative. You want him to know that you don’t want him to go and that you’re willing to work on your marriage, but you don’t want to seem so desperate that he doubts your sincerity.

Things would have been much easier for me if my husband had never moved out in the first place.  I did eventually get him back.  But it was a lengthy, painful and difficult process before things turned around. You can learn more about that process (along with the setbacks) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks (mostly wives) who know that their marriage is perched upon a slippery slope. They know that things aren’t going very well. And they are worried that, very soon, their spouse is going to pursue a separation. This is typically the period of time where they’ll start trying to do research on the most common causes for a separation.

They might ask something like: “as silly as it sounds, I’m trying to gauge my marriage right now. I feel like my husband is going to leave me or pursue a separation. It’s pretty clear that he’s very unhappy. The thing is, there isn’t any explosive thing that has happened in our marriage. No one has cheated. No one has lied. We still have basic respect for one another. There is no one earth-shattering event that I can point to. It sounds cliche, but it just seems that we have grown apart. As sad as this is, it makes me feel a little more secure. Because don’t most people separate for very serious things like infidelity? What are the most common reasons for martial separation?”

In my own experience, people separate for all sorts of reasons. They aren’t even always particularly good reasons. And they certainly do not always seem to be earth-shattering. By no means am I an expert, but I do get a good deal of correspondence. Below, I’ll tell you some of the more common things that I see causing a martial separation.

Infidelity, Lies, Or Some Other Form Of Deception: This is, unfortunately, quite common. You often have a marriage in which everything seemed relatively OK until one of the parties makes a huge mistake that showcases their lack of integrity. Sometimes, this is cheating. Sometimes it’s lying. Or it may be some sort of vice like gambling or alcoholism. Whatever it is, it can be something that one or both of the spouses struggle to live with once the marriage has reached that point of no return. It can turn the marriage on its head and make one or both parties question all of their previous perceptions about the marriage.

Some Sort Of Identity Crisis: I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with husbands who seem to be in a mid-life crisis. It’s very common for people to reach a certain age, look around, and realize that there are some life goals that they just didn’t reach. This makes them reevaluate everything in their life – including their spouse or their marriage. This can happen in otherwise very good marriages. The person in the “crisis” becomes restless, unsatisfied, and questioning. It often isn’t until they’ve risked their marriage or thrown it away that they realize how drastic their actions were.

A Drifting Apart That Turns Into Indifference: People often assume that there has to be some huge event that leads to a separation. But that just isn’t the case. Quite often, it’s just a subtle shift. It’s a distancing that turns to indifference. I often tell people that indifference is more dangerous than the deepest anger. Because at least with anger, there is some emotion involved. With indifference, the emotion has been stripped away and people no longer have any investment.  So it’s pretty easy for them to walk away. I can’t stress enough that if you see this in your marriage, it’s vital to try to address it as quickly as possible. This is one of the toughest things to overcome when you want to save your marriage.

Above are the issues which I think are most common. But this is by no means an exhaustive list. People become disillusioned with their marriage for all sorts of reasons. And since the economy is improving, people no longer feel as pressured to stay with their spouse for financial reasons. And divorce or separation is so commonplace that moral obligations aren’t really a consideration anymore.

I hope this article has been helpful.  Still, I’d suspect that if you are reading this article but not seeing your marriage described here, you might still know that your marriage is in trouble. If that is the case, you really don’t need any article or anyone’s permission to tell you that you are going to want to take some action pretty quickly. Even if you’re wrong, there is no harm in trying to improve your marriage before it reaches the point of no return. And if you are right, then you would have been ahead of the curve. Listen to your intuition. It is better to be a little overzealous than the ignore the warning signs until it is too late.

I was often fond of saying that I didn’t have much warning before my separation. But looking back now, that’s not actually true. I was shocked when my husband left, but if I had been more astute or if I had listened to that little voice in the back of my head, I knew that something was off. I just hoped that it would resolve on its own. Of course, it didn’t. And we separated because of it. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you have been separated for any length of time, you may have noticed that on those rare days that you are able to relax in the presence of your spouse, he is more receptive to you.  Sometimes, he may even approach being loving as a result. You might find that there are days when something else other than your marriage (or your separation) requires your attention and so you back off and find that things have improved dramatically. So, of course, you try to recreate that. You tell yourself that not pressuring him or constantly worrying about your separation is the way to go and so you are going to change strategies. Many of us unfortunately find that this is easier said than done. Because our feelings get in the way and we betray our strategy. I get a lot of correspondence from wives who know intellectually that they need to tone down the pressure, but who are finding it very hard to actually do this with authenticity and sincerity.

Here’s an example. A wife might say: “there have been times during my separation when I’ve been dealing with issues with my mother. She’s been having a health crisis, so when I turn my attention to her, I don’t have the time or the energy to focus on my separation. As a result, when I’m dealing with my mother, I do not constantly question, beg, or pressure my husband to come home. Every time this happens, my marital situation improves. But then when my mom gets better and I have the time to focus on my marriage, I just can’t help asking my husband if he’s feeling any differently and I end up being needy around him again. And then I feel him pull away. It almost always happens this way. I know that it is going to happen and yet I can’t seem to get control of my emotions. I can’t seem to pull off being relaxed. How do you do it? I know that I need to tone down the pressure, but I’m so afraid that I can’t actually do it convincingly.”

I admit that this is a tough question. This strategy of backing off and focusing on yourself for a while can seem simple. But it is anything but that. In my own case, I had the luxury of being able to put distance between us. I went home and spent time with family. The physical distance made it impossible for me to just drive by and interrupt my husband as I’d been doing. And, when I was home, there were people I hadn’t seen in a while so I was truly able to keep myself busy because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

I realize that not everyone has this luxury. But I think temporary physical distance can help. What comes next is only some suggestions. I can’t possibly know everyone’s individual situation, so you’ll have to use your own best judgement and your knowledge of your husband and your marriage.

But to me, when you feel things going South, it’s better to excuse yourself than to continue on as you are while you feel him pulling away. I know that this is hard. It’s easy to feel that once you’ve started, you can’t stop. But in my experience, it’s important that he genuinely believes that you are backing off and working on yourself. If every time you start this, you end up reverting back to the clinging and questioning, he’s not going to believe this for very long. He’ll think you’re just acting on the rare occasions that you pull it off.

That’s why I think you truly do want to be working on yourself. This isn’t a lot to ask. So many of us put the well-being of others before ourselves. But if there was ever a time to put yourself first and to prioritize your own well being, now is the time. You have to be able to be genuine about this or backing off just feels fake.

Once you truly are working on yourself, the backing off is easier, but it’s not going to be automatic. And if you feel yourself slipping, sometimes you have to stop and begin again. If this happens in front of your husband, I think that the best thing you can do is to tell yourself that you either need to stop, or if you can’t, then you’re going to need to cut the conversation or meeting off until you can. This is only my opinion, but I think it’s better to stop than to just create a bigger problem.

I know that people reading this might be thinking: “well if I did that, I might never see or talk to my husband.” Not necessarily.  It gets easier with time and I think that gives you additional motivation to stop yourself when you feel the need to be clingy or to overstep. I am not pretending that it’s easy or that you don’t have to consciously think about what you are doing. It does not come easily to most of us. We have to keep ourselves busy with other things.

I also think that you have to experiment about what works for you. You know what self talk is going to be most motivating for you. I focused on self improvement because I found that if I knew I was genuinely working on myself, all of this would be authentic which would give me the confidence that I knew I needed.

And I also knew that when it started to go wrong, I needed to remove myself from it rather than just continuing to make it worse. Some people are able to get hold of themselves in the middle of the communication and turn it around. That is the ideal. But I wasn’t able to do it, especially at first. I did get better though.

It got easier in time. And when I saw things improving, this reinforcement helped me stay on track. I know that it can be very difficult and that it is not the easiest of strategies. But it can be very effective in some cases.  It wasn’t automatically and immediately effective in my case.  It took time.  But in the end, it made all of the difference.  The rest is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that the first couple of days after a spouse moves out can feel truly awful. It’s an incredibly sad, scary, and confusing time. You know how bad it is for you. But what you don’t know is what it is like for him. I’m going to be honest. After my own husband moved out, I literally pictured him doing a happy dance in his new apartment. I thought that he felt nothing but relief to be rid of me and was basking in his newfound freedom. And frankly, every time I talked to or communicated with him in any way, he did nothing to change this perception.

I don’t think that I am alone in this thinking. I get a lot of correspondence from wives who are wondering about their husband’s feelings since he moved out. And many husbands just do not share their feelings during this time, so you are only left speculating. A wife might explain: “my husband moved out of our home three days ago. I guess we are now officially separated. Since that time, we have only spoken twice. Both times, my husband’s voice sounded as if he were on top of the world. He’s hoping this space will make what he wants more clear to him. Well, it seems to me that he is enjoying his space an awful lot. But when I mentioned this to him, he tried to deny it and he asked me why I was making so many assumptions when it had only been a few days. I get what he is saying, but I feel that I have no choice but to make assumptions when he doesn’t share how he’s feeling. How do men feel when they move out?”

I can share with you what separated men have shared with me when they’ve reached out on my blog. And I can share what my husband told me about his feelings once we reconciled (because he would not share these feelings initially.) Of course, every husband is different, but maybe the information will help just the same.

A Small Sense Of Relief: Don’t take the word “relief” in the wrong way. We often assume that he’s glad to be away from us, but most of the time, he is glad that there is a pause in all of the turmoil and he’s somewhat glad to that the “moving out” part is behind him.  The hope is that the healing and the soul searching can begin. Honestly, very few men describe the “happy dance” scenario that I outlined above. Very few admit to feeling a sense of rejoice and freedom. Instead, most give off the impression that they are thinking something like: “OK, well moving out wasn’t fun, but now that part is behind me so let me move on with the soul searching and the growing that I need to do.”

Loneliness: I know that we don’t always believe this, but it’s very normal for a man who has lived with someone for years and who is used to always having someone to talk to be lonely when all of that is gone. Sure, a newly separated man will sometimes go out with friends and make an attempt to spend very little time at his new apartment in order to avoid loneliness. But there is usually no way to avoid this 24/7. At some point, he has to be alone with himself and with his thoughts. And when he is, he usually finds that it’s very quiet and very isolating. And this can give way to loneliness.

A Questioning Of Whether He Did The Right Thing: Many of us assume that moving out just solidifies our husband’s resolve to be alone and have his space. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes when he has that alone time and he finds that it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, he may begin to question if all of this is going to be worth it. He may ask himself why he chose to cause pain if all he is getting in return is uncertainty.

Of course, I’m painting a pretty dire picture here. But I wanted to show that although we wives often assume that he’s blissful and relieved, there are other possibilities also. Sure, some husbands do feel relief and they like the pause of the conflict. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t have doubts and regrets.

So, does this mean that he may reach out or share with you that moving out didn’t provide the relief that he hoped? That would be great, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen. Many people are reluctant to immediately admit a mistake. And many hope that things will get better as they become used to the situation. Some tell themselves that they need to be more patient and others are determined to take all the time that they need.

And of course, every one is different. This is just a sampling of the feelings that have been shared with me. That’s why it can be important to not make assumptions or to assume that he’s having the time of his life – even if he’s trying to represent that to you. The truth is that moving out of your home is often going to bring about a period of adjustment that brings out doubts and maybe some sadness. And feelings can also definitely fluctuate from one day to the next also. How he feels or perceives things may change over time.

I’m glad that I saw the progression of my husband’s feelings.  Because I honestly assumed the worst in the beginning.  And it was a waste of time. More of the story of our very gradual reconciliation is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There are times during a martial separation when it can become clear that, in order for your marriage to have any chance of survival, you are going to have to try something new.  Many couples who are having trouble communicating or who are working with a volatile situation chose to do “no contact” for the first part of their separation.

What this means is that they might choose not to communicate at all during a specified period of time. Or they might choose to text only in matters of emergencies or for issues concerning their children.  Many do this in the hopes that the absence will make them miss one another or pause the drama or conflict between them.

Believe it or not, sometimes this does have the intended effect.  Things do improve.  But it can be tricky to begin talking again after that cool down period.  The conversation can feel forced or awkward.  Someone might explain it this way: “my husband and I decided to go no-contact for four weeks. I didn’t want to do this.  But my husband was so desperate for his space that he pretty much gave me no choice.  It got to a point where it was obvious that my choices were no-contact or divorce.  So I went along only because I felt that I absolutely had to.  It was awful.  I was always worried about my husband’s well-being or wondered what he was doing.  To be fair, we did text sporadically. So at least I knew that he was mostly all right.  Last week, he texted me and told me that he was ready to end “no contact” and he asked me to have dinner the next night.  I was really concerned that he was ending no-contact only to tell me that he wanted a divorce.  Much to my relief, he did not.  He basically said he wanted to be in touch again to just “see what happened.”  The problem is that our whole conversation during that evening was strained and awkward.  If I am being honest, I have to admit that I was very uncomfortable.  It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me openly.  And I admit that I was guarded too.  It almost feels like those weeks of not talking made us lose our ability to talk.  How do you get the conversations to flow again after no-contact?”

I know that what you’re feeling is very worrisome.  Although my husband and I didn’t officially do “no contact” during our separation, we talked so sparingly at times that it sure felt like we weren’t communicating all that much.  And yes, our ability to talk without being self conscious or guarded was adversely affected.  Things were extremely awkward.  I was always afraid of saying the wrong thing.  And because we weren’t together regularly, we didn’t have those shared experiences that help the ebb and flow of easy conversation.

At first, we would “catch each other up” of what was going on in our lives.  At times we would talk about the past, since we had no present to talk about.  It was slow going at first, but over time, it did get better.  Once it became clear that we were making a little progress, we both started to relax some, which made communication easier.

To Keep It Going, Keep It Light: I think that it helps to try to keep things light.  At first, you don’t want to try to tackle the hard or unpleasant subjects.  You want to try to use humor if you can.  You want to make the conversations pleasant and fun.  Because that makes things easier the next time.

I know that it seems weird to think about your spouse in these terms, but most of us are able to chat up a new friend or colleague with some skill.  In the beginning, use the same techniques with your spouse.  Ask open ended questions.  Listen more than you talk.  Act interested in what they have to say.  Lean in.  Make a light hearted joke when it’s appropriate.

Be A Good Listener: It’s almost always true that good listeners are thought to be brilliant conversationalists.  If you can get anyone to talk about themselves or their interests, they will almost always think that the conversation went well.  I honestly believe that 90 percent of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.  You can learn this skill.  And it’s an important one to have.  Other people are drawn to those that are good listeners.  They relax because they feel like they are understood.  They feel as if the other person cares enough to listen.

Rely On Your History To Boost Your Confidence: I know that this is upsetting.  But think about it this way.  It’s doubtful that a relationship that has lasted for years and been as important as marriage is going to be derailed due a month-long silence.  You have time on your side.  Yes, it might be awkward and slow-going at first.  But stay with it.  Try to be aware of how the conversation is going and work hard to keep things light.  You don’t need to have deep conversations at first.  It’s better to just slowly build. And then after a while, you will hopefully find that the words have begun to flow easily again.

Those early weeks when my husband and I started talking again were truly nerve-wracking.  I knew the value of going slow, because changing my pace is what got my husband receptive to me again after a long period of avoidance.  It helped to have patience and to know that each meeting and interaction affected the next.  You have to realize that you are slowly building. Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come and keep things light. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my very gradual progress on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Much of the correspondence that I get comes from separated people who are looking for ways to reconcile with their spouse, save their marriage, and have their spouse come home. Some, however, care as much about how this happens as they are about when it happens. Some separated spouses feel very strongly that their spouse is wrong. And although they’d like to reconcile, they also want for their spouse to realize the problem with his thinking. The hope is that once he sees the problem with his logic, a reconciliation is going to be more likely anyway.

A wife might say something like: “our entire separation is based on the fact that my husband thinks that I try to keep him away from his family and friends. He is from another country. We go home to visit twice per year. Pretty much all of our vacation days go toward these visits. It is implied that when we have a chunk of days off, that they are going to be spent visiting his family. I don’t have a problem with this. I know that he doesn’t get to see them very much and that he misses them. The problem is that apparently these visits just aren’t enough. My husband says that the main reason he wants a separation is because he feels that by doing this, I will no longer keep him away from his family and he will see them more and perhaps even move back home. I think that this is ridiculous. I never tried to keep him from his family. It’s not my fault that we only get two weeks of vacation every year. I never complained about spending my vacation days this way. My husband is absolutely wrong. But he refuses to see this. I want my husband back. I want him to come home. But that probably isn’t going to happen until he sees that he is wrong. How do I make him see this?”

Understand Why You Can’t Change His Perception Without His Cooperation: This is very tricky. It’s unrealistic to believe that you can “make” a grown man do anything, especially if you don’t want for him to resent your efforts. Plus, when you try to force the issue, you will often only contribute to him both clinging to his belief AND seeing you in a more negative light. This isn’t what you want when you’re trying to get him back.

Frankly, when you are separated, you never want to paint yourself as the person who stands in the way of your spouse’s happiness. Because this is going to make it even more likely that the separation lingers because your spouse isn’t sure that he’s going to happier with you than he is without you.

As hard as it may be, you may want to consider that it is going to be very hard for him to see he’s wrong until he changes his perception about the entire situation. He isn’t likely to change his perception of his access to home until he changes his opinion of your place in this. But when you’re passionately telling him that he is mistaken (and you’re saying it in such a way that he may take it to imply that he is selfish or not smart enough to know reality,) then you may be running a real risk.

Because if you push, there is a risk of him thinking that not only do you keep him from home, you don’t respect his intelligence enough to trust that he can make up his own mind regarding what is happening.

Painting Yourself As The Supportive Spouse While Waiting For Him To See Reality: This is only my opinion based on my own separation and based on getting correspondence that allows me to see many separations played out. But, if it were me, I’d hold off on trying to force him to see that he’s wrong. If you act supportive, he is more likely to come to this conclusion on his own. And that is much more beneficial to you anyway.

He may well spend more time at his home country and realize that he made a big fuss about nothing without your having to do anything. And when this happens, he’s going to realize that you did nothing but support him. That’s when he will realize how wrong he is, and better still, you haven’t put yourself in a position where he might resent you or think that you care about proving him wrong more than you care about him being happy.

The best scenario here is for him to see he’s wrong while you’re painting yourself as the supportive spouse who wants him to be happy. After all, that is probably what you truly are. You’re just tempted to react to your frustration at the situation. And while I understand that frustration because I’ve experienced it first hand, I’d caution you not to let it cause you act in ways that will only alienate your spouse that much more.

I know that you want him to come home.  I have been there.  I know that feeling, where it feels as if you are running out of time and the whole thing isn’t fair because he’s wrong anyway.  But look at the long term rather than the short term. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  See if this scenario elicits any sense of recognition for you. Perhaps you and your husband are separated.  Perhaps this all came about because your husband felt the need for “space” or “time.”  Understandably, you may have had some difficulty adjusting to this.  One second your husband is there.  And the next second he is not.

And you can’t just walk into another room when you want to talk or interact with him.  No, since he no longer lives with you, you have to pick up the phone or get in your car to make the interaction happen.  This is painful and inconvenient.  And it’s even worse when it is clear that he is not all that happy about seeing you or hearing from you.

You might hear this type of description: “my husband now lives an hour away from me because he was not sure about our marriage anymore.  I am so lonely because of this separation.  I feel like part of me has been ripped away.  It is a struggle every single day.  It is so hard for me not to see or talk to my husband all of the time.  And of course I want to pick up the phone and talk to him.  Of course I want to get in my car and head over to his place.  But every time I do these things, he makes it very clear that he doesn’t really want to see me.  Last night, I went over to his place and he could not get rid of me fast enough.  When I got home, I noticed that he sent me a text that indicated that he is asking me for more privacy.  He said that one reason he wanted to separate in the first place was to be on his own.  He says that I am not respecting his need for privacy.  What does this mean, exactly?  Does this mean that he never wants to see me?  Does this mean that I’m to just keep to myself and stew in my own loneliness?  Because he can give me this line about his privacy all he wants. But I am starting to believe that this privacy talk just means that he’s decided that he doesn’t want me anymore. And by demanding that I stay away, he ensures that he just doesn’t have to deal with me anymore.  Is this true?”

This Situation Is Not Uncommon During Separations: I can tell you my opinion.  But that is all it can be, as I don’t know you or your husband.  However, I pretty much dealt with the same situation.  And I find that, early on in a martial separation, many husbands act in this same way.  They have been yearning for that space and they truly want to get it.  If they perceive that anything is going to get in the way of this, they become frustrated and they can sometimes lash out. So they sort of push back and demand the privacy that they believe that they are entitled to.

The good news is that this often does not last forever.  Often, if you back away a little bit and allow them to have that space, they will be eventually be satisfied and find out that it is not all it’s cracked up to be.  At that point, many will begin to reach out or to want to see their wives again.

Understand Your Options: Of course, I can’t guarantee that he will automatically reach out.  But as I came to see in my own case, there isn’t an unlimited amount of options here.  One choice is to keep pushing and to keep trying to call or come by.  The risk with this is that he will only become more and more angry and will eventually not receive you at all or begin avoiding you and refusing to take your calls.

The other option, backing off, can feel risky too.  You can worry that without your constantly bringing yourself back to his attention, he may forget all about you.  Frankly, I worried about this too, but I find that it isn’t very likely. He’s married to you and you have likely been in his life for years.  It’s impossible to forget that.

You may also worry that he will grow to like his freedom.  This is understandable.  But I think that this one is a more reasonable risk than pushing yourself on him and knowing it will only make him more frustrated.  By giving him the chance to miss you and doing what he has asked, you are increasing the chances that he will look at you favorably and come back to the table with a different and more willing attitude once he gets his space and sees that it does not magically fix things, (as many husbands eventually come to see.)

The point I’m trying to make is that this “privacy plea” (as I call it) is not all that rare.  Many wives worry it means that the husband wants someone else or is trying to get rid of her.  But this is not always the case. Often, he is just wanting the space that spurred him to pursue the separation in the first place.  Many husbands do not rest until they get this.  But once they do, many see that it isn’t the answer that they thought it would be and then they become more receptive to their wives.

I know firsthand how hard it is to back away.  I struggled so much with this.  But once I educated myself, raised my courage, and did it in a sort of calculated way, everything changed for the better.   There’s rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: For many of us that are facing a separation, having our husband actually leave our home and move out is one of the biggest hurdles that we face. Many of us literally have to look away or actually leave the premises when he actually walks out of the door. Because that reality is one that is much too hard to face.

But once we are able to get our brain past that hurdle, there are other things that we have to think about. What happens when he actually chooses another home? Are his choices good signs or bad signs? And what happens when he actually lives under another roof?

We wives spend a lot of time thinking about these things. You can tell us not to dwell on them if you like, but this is nearly impossible. A perfect example is the wife who says: “it took my husband about three months of hinting and beating around the bush to finally broach the topic of moving out. I knew that he was unhappy and was considering separating. But I also know that he didn’t want to hurt me. So he took his time and I think that he tried to talk himself out of it.  But after he finally made the decision, he took another three months to consider where he might want to live. For a time, he was considering taking a promotion that would have him traveling all over the world. It actually would have been a wonderful opportunity for him, but I was very afraid of what would have happened to our marriage if he had pursued it. Ultimately, he took an apartment ten minutes away. I am too afraid to ask him why he chose a place so close to mine. But I am hoping that it means that he wants to be in close proximity to me and that he wants to see me often.  However, my friends say that I am overreaching with this. They say that my husband was very careful in his decision to separate and so there can be no ambiguity about the fact that he wants ‘separation’ from me. What do you think? Is it a good sign that he wants to live close by during our separation?”

I certainly think that it could be a good sign. And it’s certainly a better sign than him choosing to travel or choosing to live in the next town over. Granted, I suppose because I was able to save my marriage against what seemed like all odds, I am an optimist in this regard.

But when a man has a chance to get far away from you and he doesn’t take it, that is telling. When he moves to a place where you can be to his house in ten minutes, that is telling. Because such an arrangement would probably put a damper on his dating life, if that is what he intended. And if he wanted to discourage you from coming to see him, then he has a very interesting way of carrying it out.

Unless he just didn’t plan his residence very well (and this doesn’t seem likely because he took so long to take action and seemed very slow and deliberate in his decisions,) it appears that he intended to give you easy and short access to him, which is arguably great news.

Having said that, we need to be realistic also. You don’t want to abuse this proximity. If he has asked for time and space, then you want to have the respect to give that to him. If possible, you want to let him take the lead – especially in the beginning.

However, from experience, having the emotional as well as the physical distance between you when you are separated is very difficult. At least you will not have the physical distance to deal with. Sure, you are not living under the same roof, but you know that he is close by. You know that he chose not to live far away.

So, to me, the best strategy here is to be encouraged, but to also know that you are separated and you do have work to do. Take advantage of the close proximity, but give him the space that he has asked for. And get to work in determining what is truly wrong and then fixing it. This is often MUCH harder than it sounds. Sometimes, we assume we know what is wrong when we discover that we have been working on the wrong problems all along. Sometimes, we have to go back to the drawing board and that is OK. Any improvement and any adjustment is beneficial to your marriage.

With that done, you can work on very gradually, very authentically, and very deliberately beginning to reconnect again. You don’t want to rush this process. As much as you want your husband home, I learned there is as much risk in getting home too soon than in not getting him home soon enough.

I never thought I would say this, but I was lucky that my husband actually forced a slower pace. This also forced me to make real and lasting changes that mean we are still married today.  The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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