Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  You may not start your separation with the intention of closing yourself off from your spouse or other loved ones.  In fact, many of us start with the hope that we will restore the intimacy to eventually become closer.  This is the ideal.  And it happens for some of us.  But for others, the separation doesn’t always go as planned.

The Process Of Closing Off Your Heart: There can be disappointments and hurt feelings during a trial or marital separation.  There can be rejections.  And because this process can be painful, we can begin to close ourselves off just to keep us from becoming hurt again.

We may want to openly love our separated husband more than anything.  But that love can come with a price and with risks.  And eventually, no one wants to keep getting hurt over and over again.  So we close up.  We batten down the hatches.  And although we may hold out hope that things might change one day, we become numb and we close off our hearts because we feel that it is the safest, most logical thing to do.

When The Tide Begins To Turn: And then one day, the unthinkable happens.  The thing that we thought that we would never see.  Our husband begins to be a little nicer, a little more receptive, a little more vocal about his desire to spend more time with us.  Initially, we may even refuse because we’ve become so numb to the idea of a reconciliation.  To save us from disappointment, we have told ourselves that improvement was never going to happen, so why get our hopes up?

When the potential for improvement becomes obvious, we struggle.  We may eventually talk ourselves into being receptive to seeing him or talking to him, but it’s hard to lift the veil.  It’s hard to be open.  You may hope that the awkwardness and coldness are just a momentary blip, but the lack of vulnerability can continue until it becomes a problem.

Someone might explain: “I honestly do not intend to be cold to my separated husband.  In fact, if you had told me four months ago that I would not light up when he wanted to hug me or hold my hand, I would have said that you were crazy.  It’s just that I’ve felt rejected by my husband for so long, that I eventually stopped trying and I shut down.  It was literally like flipping off a switch when my husband was around.  I had to do it in order to survive.  Well, for the last three weeks, he has been calling me every day.  We have gone out a handful of times.  Last night, he asked me why I was so cold to him.  I told him that I didn’t mean to be.  I told him that I truly loved him and wanted for things to work out.  I don’t know why I can’t act like it.  But I feel afraid.  My husband said he misses the open and vulnerable person I used to be.  I miss that, too.  And I know that I will have to open myself up in order to get close to him again.  But I am so scared.  Because I don’t want to go through the pain again if this is not going to work out for some reason. How do you be vulnerable again when you worry that it will hurt?”

Either Option Has The Potential For Risks, But Only One Has The Potential For Gain: This is tough.  I am not going to lie.  I had this issue and so do many others.  Self preservation is a very very strong inclination.  This is especially true when you had to act in such a way in order to protect yourself from emotional pain.

However, I can tell you what helped for me.  It was a bit easier for me once I realized that there was the potential for pain with either strategy.  What I mean by that is that being with my husband but being flat and guarded was painful also.  I was there, but I wasn’t.  I wasn’t experiencing any of the joy that I should have been experiencing.  I wasn’t allowing myself to do so.  So yes, maybe that felt “safe,” but it didn’t feel great.

At the same time, it was admittedly going to be painful if things didn’t work out.  So there was the risk of being disappointed. But being guarded was also painful.  So in either scenario, I was still going to feel pain.  I wasn’t truly escaping it either way.

Yes, opening myself up was a risk.  But it did allow me to feel joy at the time and it also allowed me the biggest chance to have the saved marriage that I wanted.  At least this option gives you a chance of happiness to counter the risk. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to create any sort of intimacy if I wasn’t able to be vulnerable.  So I just took a deep breath and tried very hard to be present in the moment.

This may sound silly but you have to break it down to very small pieces.  You have to notice the sound of his voice when you talk.  Or the touch of his hand when you’re together.  You make an attempt to notice these things to slow down the worry and hesitation in your brain.  You want to feel with your heart and not with your brain.  You have to force yourself to REALLY experience whatever is around you without over thinking because doing so helps you to not shut down.

A Comparison: I am a visual learner, so one thing that was vital for me was analyzing this process in my journal.  I’d think about the encounter and I’d note how I felt when I was closed off around my husband and how I felt when I made a very conscious effect to be vulnerable.  I could tell from my handwriting that I tended to write very fast and was more animated when I wrote about being open.  It was easier to describe because I enjoyed it more.  I can’t tell you that I was open without fear or doubt, because that just wasn’t true.  Much of the time, I let my husband take the lead because I was so scared of rejection.

But once he did take the lead, I was very aware of trying to be more open, spontaneous, and positive while we were together.  And it made a big difference. In fact, the difference was so big that we eventually reconciled.  I do not think that we would have the marriage that we have today without the openness and vulnerability, although I did move quite slowly in the beginning. There’s more at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: After your husband leaves for a trial separation, it’s normal to watch his behavior very closely. Sometimes, we see things that aren’t there. But other observations are kind of obvious. We are looking for clues as to how he might be feeling about the separation and what reactions he might be having to it.

So when we see evidence that he may be feeling guilt, we may be inclined to feel some relief. Guilt is good, right? And if it is, how should we react to it? Is there any way that we can take advantage of it?

Someone might say: “I begged my husband not to pursue a separation and frankly, I pulled out all of the stops. I did everything that I possibly could to drive home the point that I was going to struggle without my husband. Well, I guess this worked somewhat because my husband is obviously feeling very guilty. He calls to find out how I am doing. He comes over on the night before garbage day and takes out the garbage. He’s been mowing the grass. The other day, he stopped only slightly short of out and out apologizing to me. He very clearly feels guilty. So I am wondering what this means. I wonder if it is a good sign. And I wonder if I can exploit it in some way and use it to my advantage. I know that sounds awful, but I really want my husband back. And at this point, I will take any advantage that I can get.”

The Good Sign That Must Be Managed Very Carefully: I actually do think that guilt can be a good sign. But I think that you have to be VERY careful as to how you deal with it. Here is why. If your spouse is feeling guilty, then he is still invested enough to care about your feelings and your experiences. That’s a very good thing. Because in some cases, by the time a separation finally happens, the spouse that wants the separation has become indifferent. And this is a dangerous situation because an indifferent spouse no longer has any emotional investment.

Having a spouse that is still emotionally invested makes your job a little easier. But you want to be careful with how you play the guilt card. Why? Because husbands who have initiated a separation are often trying to run away from negative emotions. And guilt can feel like a very negative emotion. And the danger in that is that sometimes, in order to keep from feeling the guilt, a husband will start to avoid you.

That’s why I’d suggest not heaving on the guilt to gain a perceived advantage – even though I understand why this might be very tempting. Instead, I would give him positive feedback when does something kind for you out of guilt. In essence, what you are trying to do is to take the negative emotion and flip it around. So, when he comes over the mow the yard or take out the trash, you want to make sure that he gets some pay off from that to counteract the guilt and to encourage him to keep doing it.

You might say: “I really appreciate that you’re still looking out for me. I know that you don’t have to do it, but it means a lot to me that you’re taking the time. Why don’t you let me make you a cup of coffee or a snack?” (Dinner might be too large of a commitment at first, depending on how things are going. Alternatively, you could offer to do something nice for his household in exchange.)

The idea is to acknowledge that he’s making the effort to not leave you high and dry – even if you both know that it is the guilt that is driving him. I know that this might sound like a lost opportunity in order to take the high road. But you have to look at this for the long term. The real goal is to make your interactions with him positive so that he wants to repeat them. If he has to cringe every time he goes to your home because he knows that you will attempt to make him feel bad, he may start finding excuses to stop coming. This will make a reconciliation much more difficult.

The bottom line is that yes, guilt can be good. But you don’t want to rely on it so much that it becomes bad. Instead, use it as a stepping stone and give positive rather than negative feedback. That way, you’re using it a tool to build, not to repel. And you’re husband is not feeling punished for actually caring enough to feel guilt in the first place.

I admit that I learned all of this the hard way. And you guessed it, I played this card too heavily and my husband avoided me.  I had to work tirelessly and very carefully to undo this damage.  I did eventually get him back, but I made it much harder than it had to be.   You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when your husband wants a separation and you don’t, you get to a point where you have a pretty awful and hurtful realization: If you want to have any relationship at all with him, you’re going to have to change the relationship that you currently have. Many husbands insist that they need “time” and often, this means that they don’t want for you to keep tabs on them, worry about them, and participate in your usual marriage with them.

This can be extremely difficult to wrap your brain around. After all, you’ve probably been with this man for a very long time. Your relationship probably feels so necessary to your day to day routine that you can not imagine your life without it. But, after a while, it can become clear that you are going to need to redefine the relationship if you are to have any relationship at all. And this is what usually brings up the topic of “friendship.”

A wife might say: “my own husband is telling me that he needs some time away from me and wants to pursue a separation. He’s careful to say that he is not divorcing me right now, but he’s also insisting that I give him time and not nag him. He’s basically telling me that he needs ‘a friend’ instead of a wife. He insists that he is not looking to date any one else. He says he just wants to have some space and it’s going to be hard to do that if I have expectations of him. So he says that we can talk and see each other – but only if it is friendly and not romantic with my questioning and pressuring him. Of course, this does not sound great to me. I can’t believe that it has come to this. But I would rather be his friend instead of being nothing to him. I can’t imagine having no contact at all. So if I have to be his friend to keep in contact, then so be it. The problem is that I have no idea how to be his friend. When we met, we were not friends first. We had an instant attraction and we were romantically involved right away. We were never friends. We were lovers and then spouses. How do I stop acting like a wife and start acting like a friend when we are still married?”

I know that this is confusing and that it hurts. But when I was going through this, I found it best to try really hard not to focus on the perceived loss and instead to focus on the fact that if you carry this out correctly, it should actually improve your marriage.

Being a supportive listener and being invested in your spouse without any romantic motivations is a wonderful skill to have. Some of the most solid and fulfilling marriages that I have had the privilege of learning from are comprised of two people who are truly best friends.

Here is something else that is very important to understand. When your spouse is telling you that he needs you to be a friend to him, sometimes what he is really saying is that he doesn’t feel heard or understood by you. Instead, he feels that you have some expectation or agenda that is keeping you from really understanding him or listening to him. This is important because it is giving you a solid clue about the motivations for the separation.

As far as how to be friend to your husband, start by looking at how you’re a friend to everyone else. Think of your best friends. When you are around them, you’re probably just there without any agenda. You are there because you like spending time with them and because they know you well and are fun to be around. You generally don’t expect as much from your friends as you do with your spouse. The time spent with them is often laid back and without pressure. This may well be what your husband is asking for – time together where the pressure is greatly dialed down.

Also, when you’re with your friends, you don’t always talk about the difficult topics. You just want to enjoy your time together and things are rarely tense or heavy. This is the mood that you want to maintain with your husband.

People often tell me “it is going to be impossible to be my husband’s friend. I see him as my husband not as a friend.” I think it’s fine to still see him as your husband as long as you can do this while stepping back and changing the tone of your time together.

You can have dinner with him without quizzing him on his mindset, his intention, and his feelings. You can talk about current events or other things for a while. You can enjoy spending time together without worrying so much about what it all means – because no one does this with their friends.

I understand that he is asking a lot from you. But I think that what he really means could be that he just wants you to back off on the pressure. He wants your time together to be a bit easier and casual – like an easy relationship. He doesn’t want to be questioned about everything right away.

If the “friend” directive bothers you, then try to think about it another way. What your husband is really asking for is that you not make huge wifely demands of him while separated. He might just need you to listen instead of question for a while. He may be asking for support without a lot of expectations at first.

I think it’s a good strategy to just tell yourself that you will try to keep things light and casual and adjust as you see his reaction. I know that it is difficult, but it is better than the alternative – to push so hard that he starts to avoid you or limit his time with you.

I know what you feel.  Acting friendly instead of wifely was a HUGE adjustment for me during my own separation.  But doing so allowed me to inch closer to my husband.  And this made all of the difference in the end. It meant that we eventually reconciled.  You can read the rest on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are the spouse who is sure that you want to save your marriage, you feel like it’s such a simple question. One would think that the question of “do we want to fix our marriage” only requires a yes or no answer. How hard is it to go ahead and chime in with the appropriate response?

Apparently, it is a challenge for some because not all spouses are able to answer this question with a simple yes or no. Some will stall or will insist that they just don’t know what they want.

I might hear a wife say: “for the last six months, my husband and I have discussed whether or not we are going to separate or try to fix our marriage. I really want to fix it. We’ve been married for over ten years and, to me, that is just too much time to invest in something and then to turn around and walk away from it. I don’t feel super loving toward my husband right now, but I do suspect that if we fixed some of our problems, then the feelings would return. So I am more than willing to make the commitment to fix our marriage. The problem is that my husband can not say the same. Well, I should clarify. He doesn’t know if he can say the same. Every time I ask him what he’s thinking, he tells me that he is still not sure. I don’t understand why he is being so indecisive. Either he thinks our marriage is worth it or he doesn’t. What is so difficult about it?”

I can speculate as to what he might be thinking, but honestly, only the husband really knows. And because of his indecisiveness, he may not be super clear on this thought process.

Typically though, when people aren’t sure about whether or not they want to fix their marriage, there are some common reasons why. I will go over some of these possibilities below.

He Worries That You Will Not Be Successful: Many people are concerned that they will put their hearts on the line and they will bare their souls and do all of all this hard work only to fail in the end. They suspect that this is going to be a painful, awkward waste of time. And because of that, they would rather not allow themselves to be vulnerable only to eventually be hurt.

The way around this (at least in my opinion) is to make it clear that you are more than willing to elicit or to find outside help (or at least a system that has a good track record of success.) Your marriage is not something that you necessarily want to fix with “do it yourself” methods. Look at it this way. If you are not a mechanic and know nothing about cars, would you try to fix your own car and then drive onto a busy highway? Hopefully not. I think that the same should be true of your marriage. It makes sense to call in an expert or to at least read self help books and programs formulated by experts. This helps give you both the confidence that you are not wasting your time.

He Worries That He Is Not Up For The Very Unpleasant Tasks: Think of something that you really hate doing. Let’s say it’s the dentist. You know that you have to do it, but you likely dread it for weeks beforehand. Well, this is how many men feel about talking about their feelings and laying their emotions on the table for examination – which is what many of them think they are going to have to do when they try to save their marriages.

Now, I have been through this process and I can tell you that no one really asks you to lay on a couch and share your darkest childhood memories. But, your husband may be envisioning some variation on this. And if he is, it’s likely that every time he thinks about this process, his body tenses up and, because of this, he thinks that perhaps he doesn’t want to save his marriage after all.

The way around this resistance is to try to very hard to keep things light and easy. Try to bring an aspect of fun into this. When my husband and I finally began making some progress with saving our marriage, I always tried to step back when things were going well and just encourage days where we had fun together and never discussed our marriage at all. There were times when I was scared to do this because I feared that we would lose our momentum, but every time, it actually strengthened us because my husband saw that this could actually be fun. As best as you can, try to make this seem like a fun adventure where you get to rediscover one another instead of tearing your marriage down before you build it back up.

He’s Not Sure Of How He Feels: Sometimes, he takes the negativity and the doubt that he feels about the entire process and he mistakes it for his lack of feelings for you. This can make him doubt whether or not he has the appropriate feelings. And if he isn’t sure of his feelings, he can wonder if trying to fix your marriage is just a waste of time.

Again, you don’t want to apply pressure to this. You want to just remain upbeat and laid back. Once he sees that you aren’t there to make this process hard on him, then he will likely loosen his grip on his doubts, which should improve his feelings for you.

I hope that this has at least helped you identify where some of his reservations might be.  And I hope I have shown you that there is a way around every one of them.  I had to use many of these strategies when I saved my own marriage with a husband who at times was EXTREMELY reluctant and unsure.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very surprised when they find themselves separated or living alone. While many knew that their marriage was struggling, many did not realize that their husband was searching for an alternative place to live. Much of the time, he never even told them that he was considering it – much less that he was actively going to pursue it.

So wives in this situation are often shocked, frustrated, and scared.  One might say: “I can’t claim that I didn’t have any idea that I might one day be separated. But I thought that I had time. I thought that, God forbid, if my husband wanted to leave, that he would at least give me warning before he did it. I never saw him checking out the newspaper for an apartment. He never told me that I was going to have to do everything alone. One day I came home from work and found the closet pretty much empty. I texted him and he responded that he had moved out and he doesn’t get why I am so surprised. Well, I think it goes without saying that I’m surprised because he acted without having any discussion whatsoever. I don’t think it’s unfair to expect to be consulted. And I don’t know where I go from here. I have no idea if he signed a lease or what I should expect from him. Is this common? Do husbands just move out with no discussion?”

Some do. I wouldn’t call it common. But it’s certainly not completely uncommon. Below, I will discuss some potential reasons why your husband may not have consulted you about this, and where you might consider going from here.

He May Have Not Wanted For You To Get Upset Or To Try To Talk Him Out Of It: Much of the time, when a husband moves out without any discussion, he does so because he meant to AVOID a discussion. Perhaps he was afraid of the debate or he didn’t want for you to attempt to talk him out of it. Maybe he wanted to make a dramatic statement and he was afraid that this would lose its impact if discussed ahead of time. Whatever the reason, you likely can’t change his decision now, which leads me to my next point.

Where To Go From Here: Unless your husband hasn’t signed any lease or made any commitment, there isn’t going to be much you can do to get him back home without breaking a lease or suffering a financial loss. These two things may have him clinging to his new place, even if he eventually realizes that he acted too swiftly.

The point I’m trying to make is that sometimes, it becomes obvious that there’s no immediate way back from this. If this is the case, it doesn’t make sense to waste time by trying to change his mind. If he can’t or won’t change this decision, then you have to live with what is.

If it becomes clear that his living somewhere else isn’t going to change immediately, then the next goal is probably to set the tone going forward. Yes, this may mean that you aren’t living together right now, but it doesn’t have to mean that you don’t talk to each other, see each other, or reconnect with each other. Don’t allow your anger and shock to sabotage what might happen tomorrow.

If you want him and your marriage back, the real goal should be to reestablish regular communication on which you can build. I know that this is a scary and frustrating time. But sometimes, living apart can actually have some benefit. It pauses the issues, it gives people perspective, and it allows the absence of your spouse to contribute to your missing them.

All of these things can work in your favor. It’s so easy to be angry and panicked, but giving into these feelings is almost never to your benefit. Having been through this myself and having come out of it OK (and still married) the best advice I can give you is to not spend too long dwelling on the fact that he’s moved out. This will only frustrate you both and alienate him. Understand when that ship has sailed and then focus on what’s next. Namely, forging a regular communication schedule so that you don’t drift apart.

I know it stinks that he didn’t discuss this with you. But dwelling on it isn’t likely to change it or do you any good right now. You’re better off putting your energy where it can make a difference. And that is focused on tomorrow and not on yesterday.

It took me a long time to learn this myself.  For way too long, I focused on the wrong things. And it almost became too late to save my marriage.  I wasted a lot of time and hard to work harder than necessary.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who honestly believe that they are losing their husbands due to a situation that is very difficult to change. Many people believe that if you know why your spouse isn’t happy, then the logical thing to do would be to fix the problem causing the unhappiness and then to move on.

But when your spouse is unhappy because of the very act of being married and being part of family life, then the situation becomes a bit more difficult. A wife might say: “Lately, it’s become obvious to me that my husband doesn’t like the day to day responsibilities that come with marriage. He says that knowing he has to support me overwhelms him. When I ask him to do some upkeep at my mother’s house, he acts like I’m asking him to do the impossible. The other day, I mentioned that he did not seem to be very happy lately and he actually admitted that he envied his single friends. He said that the only thing that they have to worry about after work is going home and doing what they enjoy. My response was to wonder why was my husband’s life was any different. And his response was: ‘I don’t enjoy coming home to so many responsibilities. It is like having a second job. And having one job is enough.’  I was angry, so I snapped with a snarky question and I asked my husband what he planned to do about his awful life. His response to me was that he was considering his options. This makes me feel like he’s thinking about leaving me, separating, or pursuing a divorce. And I don’t know how to negotiate this. I’m not sure there is anything I can do to help him feel less responsible. When we got married, we agreed that I would stay home because one day, we’re going to have a family and it doesn’t make sense to start something I know I won’t finish. My mom is widowed, so my husband is the only man she knows who can help her out.”

Putting Yourself In His Shoes: Try To Envision The Weight Of The World On Your Shoulders: I hear this complaint from a lot of unhappy men. I am not saying that their perceptions are correct, but many describe feeling ‘the weight of the world’ on their shoulders. They feel as though they have to take care of everyone else.  Of course, if you are a mom and / or wife, I’ll bet you have this same feeling.  And when you feel this way too, it’s kind of hard to sympathize. I find that wives understandably have a tendency to think that their husbands are whiny or selfish about this. We assume that because they are men and have been brought up knowing that they will one day be providers, then they should not complain about this today.

I try to handle this in my own marriage by asking myself how it would feel if I knew that everyone else’s financial and physical well – being depended on me? How would I feel to know that my family wouldn’t have the necessities – food and shelter – if I didn’t provide it? I admit that would feel like tons of pressure and it would probably cause me some anxiety. I’d worry about becoming sick or disabled or disappointing my family.  That’s a heavy burden to carry. And when I realize this, then it becomes much easier to sympathize with my husband.

Weighing Your Options / Spreading The Load: I think that there are a couple of things that you might try here. You could just wait and hope that this passes, but I think that this is extremely risky.  Waiting might make it appear that you aren’t sympathetic enough to take action or that you don’t really care how your husband feels.

The next option is to attempt to show him that he doesn’t have all of the crushing responsibilities that he thinks he does. There are a couple of ways to do this. You can pare down your lifestyle to show your husband that being happy doesn’t always mean spending money or you can figure out a way to bring in a bit more income to lighten his load. You could also ask other family members to help with your mom or you could hire some things out to also lessen it all falling on your husband’s shoulders.

I understand that you both agreed that you would stay home, but I have a good deal of friends who have started small businesses at home. They aren’t rich doing this, but many have a nice extra income which helps the household budget tremendously. Perhaps you could ask yourself what you are good at and figure out a way to make a little income using that skill. For example, I have a friend who is so talented in crafts. She has an Etsy shop and she brings in a nice extra income this way. It gives her a creative outlet and it makes her feel good knowing that she helps her family’s finances.

Reading Between The Lines Regarding The “Responsibilities” Of Family Life: Finally, ask yourself if this is really about the “responsibilities.” It may well be. And I always believe that you should start by taking what your husband says at face value. But sometimes when problems crop up in your marriage, not everyone is honest (or even knowledgable) about the core issue. They may truly believe that they are telling the truth, but there may be other issues at play. Sometimes, when you don’t feel connected with your spouse, you pick apart every potential problem. And in reality, once you are reconnected again, you can weather many storms without much problem. My point is, sometimes a husband who is very happy in his marriage doesn’t mind the responsibility as much because he is getting a pay off in other areas.

I am not saying that this is always the case. It may not even be a factor here.  But I am just saying that it makes sense to take an honest inventory to make sure that you are addressing what is truly wrong.

This is not a problem that can’t be overcome. Remember that everyone wants to feel valued and at peace at home.  If you can take action with this knowledge, things will sometimes get much better.   I wish I had learned this lesson BEFORE my separation instead of after it. It would have saved me so much time and pain. As it was, I had to completely change course to save my marriage. There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated but you don’t want to be, having your spouse return home is probably your most frequent dream. It’s probably the thing that you want more than anything else, although there may be times when you don’t dare to hope for it because you fear being disappointed. Your spouse coming home is, for most separated spouses, that light at the end of the tunnel. Most of us just think that if we can get there, then it will be smooth sailing from that point on. And we anticipate that when we can see that day coming, we can finally start to relax.

The reality isn’t always like the dream though. When the day is approaching that your spouse might actually come home, things can be awkward and scary. You can worry that he won’t be comfortable or enthusiastic. You can worry that you’ve both developed new habits that won’t mesh together. Or you might have some anxiety about the conflict coming back again.

A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for about thirteen weeks. It has been awful. I have been so lonely and I’ve honestly been afraid that we were going to get divorced. The first three weeks were beyond awful. We barely spoke. We started to speak very sporadically about a month into it and then very slowly, we began talking regularly. From there, we transitioned into regularly seeing each other. This was a slow process, but we feel encouraged. My parents are having their golden wedding anniversary next month. I told my husband that it would be nice if he were moved back in by then so we could host the party at our home and have it not be so obvious that we’d been having problems. He said this might be doable. But I can tell that we are both somewhat worried about the transition. I worry that it won’t go well and that when it all falls apart, we will end up in divorce court this time. How do we successfully transition after the separation?”

I had this concern myself during my own separation. In fact, I was so afraid of something going wrong, that I waited for much longer than many people probably would have before I broached this issue. I figured that since I was seeing improvement after a long time of seeing nothing that would give me hope, I was going to sit on that improvement for a while to make absolutely sure that it was real and that it was right. As much as I wanted to ask my husband to move back home (and I wanted that desperately,) I forced myself to wait until he asked that question. And then I waited a little more to make sure that it was right.

We ultimately transitioned fine. And I think that there were a couple of things that helped with this. First, we did not make abrupt changes. You can imagine how awkward it would be if you hadn’t spent any nights, weekends, or extended periods of time with your husband and then had him just move in full time.

People develop new habits and get into new comfort zones. That’s why it’s a good idea to have him stay over weekends and for extended periods several times before he actually “moves back in.” Because by that time, it should feel very comfortable.

This is important because it will help you both have the confidence that you are making the right decision. If you rush things, not only are you sure to have that awkward transition, but you might be dealing with two people who have serious doubts about whether or not this reconciliation is going to work. And that is no way to begin.

Another thing you want to consider is whether or not you’ve addressed the outstanding issues. Often, this is the elephant in the room. Everyone knows that the improvements in the relationship are fragile. And so no one wants to bring up unpleasant things. But if any of your issues are still there, they have an unpleasant way of coming back up. Especially if they are the issues that necessitated the separation in the first place. And this resurfacing has a way of making every one think “here we go again” so that you are once again on thin ice relatively quickly.

The time to fix those issues is now. The optimal time is before you put additional stress on the relationship by moving back in. And yes, moving back in can be stressful, simply because everyone knows that there is so much at stake.

I’m no expert, but my best advice is to do this gradually. Have your husband spend weekends at home. Have each time he stays over last a little longer. Notice anything that crops up during those times and address them immediately. That way, you will be aware of any potential problems BEFORE he moves back in. The idea is that by the time he does, you’re already used to spending loads of time under the same roof again and you’ve already navigated the issues that might trip you up.

The end goal is that by the time he does move in full time, it feels right and it feels easy.  Again, I’m not an expert, but this strategy worked pretty well for me.  You can read more about our transition at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Before you have children, you don’t have any idea about the depth of love that you are capable of feeling for another human being. Most of us think that we could never love anyone more than our spouse. Until we have children – and then we feel a love that reaches an entirely new level. Most people would do absolutely anything for their child and they would make any sacrifice to ensure that their child has the best upbringing as is humanly possible. We want to do anything in our power to avoid our child feeling pain.  We don’t want to do anything that would prevent them from becoming the healthiest and happiest adult as is possible.

That’s why many people chose to stay together – even as their marriage struggles – when they have children. Countless studies tell us that it is much better for a child to grow up with both parents. There is a lot of data that suggest just how damaging a divorce can be to a child and to the adult that the child eventually becomes.

And that’s why many couples will decide to stay together for the sake of their children. They resign themselves to the fact that they are just going to have to stick it out and worry about their children’s well being over their own. But they also worry about how they will manage this while maintaining any deserved happiness in their life.

Someone might say: “my husband and I have been drifting apart for years. At first, we just didn’t interact with one another and we avoided each other. But that phase passed and then we started to fight. Our fights have gotten pretty bad. We have considered separating or divorcing. But we have two children who are more important to us than anything. Both of us grew up in single-parent homes and we do not want that for our kids. So we both agree that we will not consider doing anything to end or pause our marriage until our children are grown. But how do we get along during this process? We make each other so angry. And how will we not be miserable? Two unhappy parents isn’t good for our kids either.”

There May Be An Emotional Investment That You Haven’t Considered: You’re absolutely right that an unhappy household isn’t ideal for anyone. You probably see your anger as a very bad thing. But in terms of your marriage and it’s ability to heal, I often see it as a good thing. Please hear me out. I know that statement sounds odd. But when people are still getting angry with one another, this is an indication that they still care and are still invested. If they didn’t, the anger just wouldn’t be there.

If you can accept that you still care, doesn’t it make sense to try to make our marriage as good as it can possibly be? Since you’ve made the commitment to stick it out, it doesn’t make sense to also sentence yourself (and your kids) to a house full of misery.  Instead, you want to learn the behaviors that will make your household a happy one.

Understanding What It Takes To Be Happy: I think that there’s actually a couple of ways to be happy in this situation. The first is to not base your contentment on what is happening externally.  You can’t control other people.  You can only control yourself. People who learn to seek happiness inside of themselves are much more content regardless of their circumstances. This isn’t always easy to accomplish, but once you do, your entire life changes. Once you understand that you alone are responsible for your own happiness level, every thing looks dramatically different.

The second suggestion that I have is to change your perception about your marriage. Right now, you’re seeing it as if there is no hope at all. You perceive that you just have to stick it out. But what if you didn’t? What if you could actually enjoy those years? Your anger shows me that the feelings are still there. That’s a great start because not every one has that.

Changing The Dynamic Or Your Interactions: The next step would be to learn new skills so that your interactions with your husband are actually positive instead of negative. I know first hand that it is possible. Some couples have counseling to help them with this. And others work very hard on their own. It does take commitment and work. But countless couples are taught to interact with one another in new and positive ways. And once this happens, they find that they feel loving toward one another again. They see themselves as a team and as part of whole rather than seeing themselves as unhappy individuals.

I would suggest that you are selling this situation a little short. No one wants to look forward to a future where your household is going to be tense and where your marriage is only treading water. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Marriages can and do heal. Sometimes, you need a little help to make that happen. But I know that it can happen.  I know because I’ve done it myself.  And it was one of the best decisions I ever made.  You can read more about that process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s rare for a couple to go into a marital separation without any concerns and with full confidence that things are going to work out. Many people understand that a separation comes with risk. This is true even if both people agree that the separation might be best or even necessary. One common concern about this type of risk is the length of the separation. Many people worry that if it goes on for too long, feelings will change or the commitment will wane.

Someone might express this concern: “my husband and I are both in agreement to try a marital separation. It took us a long time to get to this point, but now that we have, it seems clear that if we do not take a pause in our marriage, we might divorce as a result. We can not seem to get along in any positive way. It just seems that if we don’t get some distance, things will continue to deteriorate. I honestly hope that we can work it out. That is why I am agreeing to the separation. But I am concerned that it’s going to go on for a long time. One of my coworkers ended up being separated for over a year. They eventually divorced because they grew apart. She admitted to me that after a while, she lost feelings for her husband because she never really saw him. I am very concerned that this will happen to me or my husband. What if the separation goes on so long that I don’t love him anymore? I do love him now, even though we are struggling. But what if seeing him every day is needed to keep our love alive?”

I’ll try to address this as best as I can. I’m not a therapist, but during my own separation, I actually found myself feeling more loving feelings toward my husband.  I missed him desperately, even though I was angry at him for some of that time. However, I was not the one who wanted the separation. That might make a difference. I can not be sure about how my husband felt about me during every phase of our separation. But since we ultimately reconciled, I can deduct that he must have ultimately had loving feelings toward the end.  We had some rough times where neither of us felt loving.  But ultimately, we missed one another.  And that is something that I think many people don’t anticipate.

Your concerns are valid. I had them also and I know that these worries are quite common.  And people do grow apart if they aren’t careful. I think that the best course of action is to try to be proactive and to set it up so that things aren’t just left open ended. Have a standing date to get together. Perhaps you meet for dinners on Sundays. Perhaps you call each other every night before bed to touch base and say good night – even if only briefly. It really helps to agree beforehand that you will see and speak with one another regularly. I understand that this isn’t always possible, but if you can swing it, then that is the ideal.

Even if your spouse won’t make this commitment, try to check in with in as you can. You may have to watch his reactions to you and move forward as is appropriate. If he’s not receptive, sometimes you have to wait. But try not to get into the habit of not communicating for long periods of time.

One way that you can address this and do something really good for your marriage is to have regular counseling. Not only will this likely strengthen your relationship, it also ensures that you see one another regularly in a constructive environment with a professional who is actively trying to keep you on track and encouraging positive feelings.

I know that not every couple is willing to do this. And I’ve seen many couples succeed without it. But it really does address many risks associated with a separation if both people are willing.

If not, then there is still no reason why you can’t be very proactive in trying to stay close to one another and in trying to make progress with your marriage. Yes, sometimes people do drift when they are not actively involved in one another’s lives. But, you can minimize this risk if you do your best to maintain communication. This won’t always be in your control. Sometimes, you will have to move as you are able to, depending on your spouse’s behavior and attitude.

But, you do have control over your own behavior and attitude. And sometimes, the best things that  you can do is to remain positive, to move closer as he allows, and to work on yourself in the meantime. If the separation causes both of you to become stronger and more emotionally healthy, this makes things easier when you reconnect and want to reconcile.

Yes, this all takes work. You can’t leave things to chance. It requires for you to watch closely and to be proactive if you feel your spouse slipping away or if you notice a change in your feelings. Incidentally, it’s normal to feel a feel a wide range of feelings while you’re separated. One day you may miss him desperately. And the next day you may feel angry and resentful toward him. This doesn’t mean that you no longer him. It just means that you’re dealing with a difficult situation.

People do get through this though.  And many separated couples find that their feelings are more often loving and longing. This is more likely if you work hard to stay connected and motivated. Some will even tell you that this process made their marriage stronger. Yes, it takes work and determination. But most people feel that it’s more than worth it.

I am sure there were days when my separated husband didn’t feel connected to or loving toward me.  I had anger toward him sometimes.  But I was determined to stay in touch and to remain as connected as possible.  I didn’t know if we would stay married, but I knew he would always be very important to me and I acted accordingly.  We ultimately did reconcile, so in the end I must have done some things right.  You can read more more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you fully realize that you might soon be facing a divorce, you can want all of the information that you can gather. You want to know if in fact a divorce will be filed and when this might happen. If you are not the one who wants the divorce, then there is really only one person who can provide you with this information – your spouse. Unfortunately, not everyone is forthcoming where filing for a divorce is concerned.

Wives sometimes assume that their husbands are being evasive on purpose and they are looking for ways to get him to just be honest about his intentions. A wife might say: “when my husband first told me that he wanted to move out, he claimed that he was only looking to separate. In fact, we never even pursued a legal separation. He simply said that he wanted to try a trial separation and he moved out. Things were never ugly between us. We continued to talk almost every day and we sometimes met for dinner. Last week, we were having dinner and my husband took out his wallet to pay. A card fell out and fluttered onto the floor. I picked it up, but I could not help looking at the card to see what it was. Unfortunately, the card appeared to be from a divorce attorney. I asked my husband why he had this card. I asked him if he had filed for divorce and, if so, why hadn’t he told me. He said that he had not filed, but that he had just talked to the attorney to figure out his options. He said at this point, he has no immediate intentions to file for a divorce, but he doesn’t know that he won’t eventually. He says that he’s waiting to see what happens with us during our separation. I was talking about this with the wife of my husband’s best friend and suddenly she got quiet. I told her to please share anything that she might know with me. She paused and then she finally sighed and admitted that my husband had told her husband last week that he was going to eventually pursue a divorce. If this is true, why won’t he just tell me?”

You would have more of an accurate inclination than I might. Not knowing your husband, it’s very hard to say. You know your husband and you might have an inkling as to why he is being evasive. I could only guess.

That said, there are some relatively common reasons that a man won’t talk about his thought process regarding a divorce. This article won’t discuss legal strategies. I’m not an attorney and I don’t think there is any substitute for getting legal advice from someone who is qualified to give it.

He May Still Be Undecided: From the standpoint of feelings, he may not be talking about the divorce because he truly has not decided if he is going to file. There may be times when he is away from you when he feels that he may want to. And then when he sees you or you talk and spend time together, he changes his mind because he sees that things sometimes go well between you. It’s actually pretty common for people to fluctuate back and forth about whether a divorce is their best choice when they are separated. And many very understandably feel that, in order to give their marriage the best chance and to give the separation time to work, it’s best to not come to a quick or immediate decision.

Sure, he may well be gathering information, which you may find to be incredibly insensitive and premature, but it doesn’t appear that he has filed anything or you probably would have received a copy. (Again, I’m not a legal expert, but many courts have online searches where you can make sure that nothing has been filed. This is public record.)

If in fact he hasn’t filed, this can be telling. I know it’s upsetting that he has seen an attorney, but not everyone who visits legal counsel files for divorce. And at this point, I’m not sure what option you have other than to take him at his word and to try to attempt to have positive and loving communications with him so that he doesn’t see the need to pursue the divorce.

I know that it’s tempting to push him for a real answer. It’s understandable to feel that you have an absolute right to know if he’s actually going to file for divorce and what his current intentions are. You may feel like you have a right to demand that he give you an answer. That’s understandable. And since you know your husband better than I do, you may have an idea as to how he might react to this.

But I can tell you that in my experience, most people don’t respond well to demands and threats. I think that taking this hard line will sometimes make a husband MORE likely to pursue a divorce even if he was on the fence and leaning toward not filing before. Right now, it appears that he hasn’t filed and that you have some time to continue to improve things. But if you press him and act negatively, this might influence any decision in a negative way. This is only my opinion, but I think it’s better to try to focus on the positive, maintain good communications and wait – with the hope that he doesn’t file at all. Pushing him is risky and it forces his hand at a time when that might not be wise.

I know that it’s very difficult when you don’t know where you stand.  Every day during my own separation, I wondered if my husband was going to pursue a divorce.  But I felt it best not to dwell on it or to force his hand.  That turned out to be correct because we are still married today. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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