Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Some of the wives that I hear from are trying to get their husbands to “take some time away together” or “to get away” with them on a “romantic getaway” while they are separated.  Many are not completely happy with the way that their separation is going and they figure if they can get their husband alone in a romantic setting with no distractions, then this might help to change things.  I can also tell you from experience that many of us have hopeful fantasies about this scenario.  We fantasize that everything is going to click on this little getaway so that we can’t get enough of one another and we come home reconciled.

When He’s Not Willing To Go: The idea of a getaway is a lovely thought – and it does happen for some people, which is wonderful. But in my observation, it is not the norm. First of all, sometimes you never end up going on the trip because your husband is not willing to go.  And by continuing to bring it up, you weaken what was a very weak thread between you to begin with.

Or, some people do end up convincing him to go, but the trip doesn’t go as planned because there was so much pressure on it and then the tension that occurred on the trip causes both people to wonder if they will ever connect again.

When He’s Asking You To Go: Of course, in some situations, it is your husband asking you to go.  If this is the case, be grateful (since not every one has this luxury,) but I’d suggest giving this careful planning so that there isn’t more harm than good that comes of this.

If your husband is willing and you to decide to make the trip, vow not to be so uptight about the trip that it creates pressure.  It’s very easy to make yourself believe pessimistic thoughts like: “it’s now or never” or “this is my one and only chance to get my husband back.”

Avoid Sabotaging Your Getaway: When you panicked thoughts, you are more likely to act in a desperate manner, which makes it more likely that the trip is not going to go as planned. The last thing you want is a trip that ends up in disaster because you were clinging too tightly to the whole thing.

Define Realistic Goals: Honestly, I believe that the main goal for the trip should be to have a good time and to improve the relationship between you.  I know that you might be thinking that this is crazy and that your goal is to reconcile.  But this is often asking for too much too soon. And this type of thinking actually makes it more likely that you will be disappointed.

If you end up having a good time, sharing some laughs, and feeling closer to one another, then this goodwill is going to follow you home and pave the way for you to continue to make progress in the days ahead.  But if you are unrealistic, then even if the trip is a good one, both you and your husband may wonder if your reconciliation is actually genuine or if you were only motivated by the magic of your surroundings.

I know you want your husband back, but ideally, you want him back for good and not just temporarily.  So you want every aspect of your reconciliation to be genuine and lasting.  It’s unrealistic to think that one weekend away is going to solve all of your problems.  Yes, one weekend away can be the stimulus to the two of you being more loving and cooperative to one another.  And that in turn can help you to work through your problems.

But thinking that one outing is magically going to erase what is wrong is disappointment waiting to happen.

I am not trying to discourage anyone.  If your husband is asking you to get away or he is willing to get away, then this can certainly bring you closer together and that’s never a bad thing.  Go for it if this is the case.  Just be realistic.

But if your husband is reluctant or unwilling to go, then all is not lost. Sometimes a weekly cup of coffee while sharing laughs together can have the same effect. Sure, its not ideal and I know you’d rather have the weekend away than the coffee.  But often in this situation, you have to play with the cards you are dealt. Frankly, my husband would never have been willing to “getaway” with me while we were separated, but I took the victories I was able to manage and I built on them.  And the results is the same.  We did reconcile, and there was no getaway.

If you have the opportunity, then go and have a good time.  I believe that you will often have a much better outcome if you set your goals and expectations at a realistic level. Don’t make the trip too lengthy.  It is better to be left wanting more than to want it to end.

From my own experience and just watching the outcomes of others, I’ve come to the belief that if you want a lasting reconciliation that leads to a lasting marriage, then there are not any real short cuts.  At least that’s my belief.

I couldn’t take short cuts because my husband didn’t allow them, but it worked out in the end.  You can read more about that here.

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are first married, you often feel closer to your spouse than anyone else. When something happens in your life, your spouse is the first person in whom you want to confide. When you need support, it is your spouse on whom you want to lean. And this is the way that it should be. Your spouse should be your emotional rock and vice versa. Sometimes though, as time goes by, this feeling starts to wane. And it’s a common concern as to how to get it back.

A wife might say: “last week, my husband lost his job, his car broke down, and he had to put his beloved cat to sleep. This was all very devastating to him. And I was there for him. Because I know that this is my job as his spouse. But I have to be honest. I just wasn’t feeling much of anything. I went through the motions. I comforted him. But deep down, I just wasn’t feeling it. My husband is not a bad person. He is a good person. And he hasn’t really done anything to deserve this type of apathy from me. Normally, I am a compassionate person. If this had happened to one of my close friends, I would have felt it deeply. So I just do not understand it. Why do I not feel emotionally attached to him? And what can I do about it?”

Well, I could only speculate. I certainly don’t know your husband or the history of your marriage. And I’m by no means an expert on this topic. But a couple of things might be possible.

Examine Your Marriage For A Cool Down: First, has anything happened in your marriage to cool things down between you? It does not have to be a big thing. It can honestly just be the passage of time. Or, it maybe something that hasn’t even registered with you but that, deep down, you feel a little resentful about.

I ask because often, when we lose our emotional connection, we find ourselves being a bit indifferent or apathetic towards our spouse. And since we sometimes don’t see this all that clearly ourselves, we typically don’t confront our spouse. Instead, we pull back in passive / aggressive ways, like not feeling empathy or much positive emotions where they are concerned.

I bring this up because if you can pinpoint what the issue might be, then you can address it. Once it’s fixed, you might find that your emotional connection and your empathy comes back.

Emotional Exercises Meant To Elicit Empathy And Emotional Closeness: Another thing that you might try is some exercises meant to elicit empathy. One way to do that is to feel gratitude. It’s very hard to feel indifferent to someone when you feel gratitude for them. So, take a moment and list all of the things that your husband has been or meant to you. List all of the times he did something for you even when he didn’t have to or even when it took something away from himself. List his thoughtfulness, his wonderful attributes, and why you are glad that he is yours.

One other way to bring about a feeling of connectedness is to put yourself in his shoes. Think for a second about how you would feel is your lost your job and a beloved pet all in one week. You’d likely be devastated and you would feel that the whole world is rising up to punish or hurt you. And imagine if during this dark time, you sensed that your spouse was only going through the motions.

I don’t tell you this to make you feel guilty. I tell you this because I believe that putting yourself in this place will allow you to feel. And once you do feel, that emotional connection might be almost automatic.

Understand The Dangers Of Complacency: I’d like to make one final point. What you are going through is relatively common. When you see the same person day after day and you witness their life played out right in front of you, it takes more to get your attention. Because after a while, you have seen it all.

This isn’t any one’s fault, but you have to work to keep this at bay. That means keeping your marriage fresh so that you can look at your spouse with a fresh set of eyes and a genuine set of emotions. Do whatever is necessary to shake up your marriage and to keep things connected. Sometimes, this means stepping out of comfort zone and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. This can feel a bit scary, but the pay off is worth it.

Because indifference can be a real problem. I prefer to hear people say that they are furious with their spouse than that they are indifferent. When you are furious or hurt, at least you are feeling something. But if you are indifferent, then that’s potentially problematic. And you need to experience and feel your emotions, even if those emotions are negative.

It’s hard to react and then to fix things if you aren’t sure what you’re feeling. Take some quiet time to get clear on what you truly feel and then do some exercises to elicit gratitude and empathy to see if you can get the feelings of connectedness to return.

Honestly, once I finally noticed and acknowledged my husband’s indifference to me, I knew we had a real problem.  We did separate for a time and almost divorced.  That’s why I’d highly recommend dealing with this right now. You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very difficult when you are dealing with a spouse who wants a separation at a time when you’re never felt so strongly about saving your marriage. At that time, you’d often give almost anything for him to change his mind. But what if he does change his mind for seemingly no reason at all? Can you believe in this change of heart? Will he change his mind again one day and want the separation all over again?

A wife might say: “it seems like a lot of time has gone by, but honestly, it was only a couple of weeks ago when my husband told me that he wanted a separation. He was pretty cold about it. The fact is, I didn’t do anything wrong. Even he admitted that. I am a good wife. But he decided that he just didn’t want to be married anymore. Our house was his home before he got married so he said that it made the most sense for me to move out. I asked him if I could have a month in order to make a sound decision about where to live. He agreed to this. I was devastated, but I tried to handle it as best as I could. During that time, he was pretty chilly toward me. Well now, it’s a couple of weeks later and my husband is acting very differently. He’s being very nice. And he hasn’t mentioned my moving out. I’m certainly not going to bring it up. He acting very loving and last night he told me that I was his best friend in the world and that he didn’t want to lose me after all. I don’t know what to make of this. I’m glad he considers me his best friend. But obviously, last week’s behavior bothers me greatly. I worry that one day soon, he’ll swing the other way and suddenly decide that he doesn’t want to be married again. Why would he suddenly change his mind like this?”

The Reasoning: If I ventured a guess here, I would only be speculating. Only your husband might have some solid answers as to his actions, and even he may be confused.

But sometimes, people have regret when they push their spouse away or pursue a separation. Frankly, they can have a change of heart or wonder if they acted too quickly or too dramatically. Or, they can have regret at the way harsh and unfeeling way that they treated you. Perhaps they now realize that you deserved better.

The Reaction: I can understand not wanting to have a long conversation about this as you are afraid of drawing attention to his unhappiness when he might be changing his mind. But, if you’re not going to bring it up, then I would suggest watching very closely and looking for clues that might point you in the direction to his unhappiness.

I know that it’s tempting to tell yourself that this was just a fluke or that he just had a bad week. But, I think that there is a real risk in this. I think it would be smart to ask yourself why he suddenly felt that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Has your marriage turned a bit comfortable or stale? Has your personality differences come to a head? Does he feel that being married doesn’t give him the freedom to socialize with his friends or to explore his own interests?

I think that if you can pinpoint what might have caused him concern and then remove that obstacle, then you will be in a much better position. Because if you do nothing, then you’re right that one day his unhappiness may come up again. And then you may be revisiting the separation issue.

But if you address whatever is wrong now, you can have more confidence that you’ve addressed the problem. I’m not saying that you have to dwell on this or drill your husband while he seems perfectly content and so close to you that he’s calling you his best friend. But you can look for clues without making it a huge deal.

In my own situation, I had warning signs like this which I chose to ignore. I tried to convince myself that my husband was just going through a stressful time. This turned out to be the biggest mistake I could have made. Because we did end up separated and almost divorced. (You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com)  That’s why I never advocate ignoring talks of a break, separation, or divorce.

There’s nothing wrong with being relieved and thrilled that he seems to be changing his mind. But I think it would be a mistake to think that he can’t change it again. That’s why it makes sense to examine what might really be wrong.

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are facing a separation and who don’t necessarily agree with the reasoning that their spouse is offering up. And even if they do see some validity to their reasoning, they often just don’t how to change who or what they already are.

Here’s just one example. I might hear from a wife who says: “after the holidays, my husband told me that he had something to tell me which he knew was going to upset me. He said that he has held off on saying anything because he didn’t want to ruin my holidays. Anyway, he said that he has been planning to leave me for a while. But he hesitated to say anything because he knows that I am not able to change my personality. He is basically telling me that I am not any fun whatsoever and that he has been taking a very honest look at his life and what he wants for his life to look like. He says that he just can not continue to live his life without making fun and pleasure a priority and he does not think that he can do this being married to me. He stresses that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, but his assessment of me is that I am not any fun at all. He says that I am always overly serious, don’t know how to make or take a joke, and just generally bring him down. Honestly, it was very painful for me to hear this. I admit that I am a serious person. But I always felt that this is why my husband and I were such a wonderful match. My husband is a jokester and very jovial. I love being around him because he makes me laugh. I never realized that he expected for me to make him laugh. He never complained. And I certainly would not call myself a negative person. I am not a pessimist. I’m just not naturally someone who makes fun my top priority. I love that my husband brings this lighter side into my life. And I’m devastated that it is starting to sound like I might not have it in my life anymore. I don’t know how to ward this off. I could try to be more fun-loving and to cultivate my sense of humor. But I’m not sure that I could pull it off. He knows that I am never going to be the life of the party. I don’t know if my husband is really willing to separate or divorce me because I don’t know how to have fun. This scares me horribly. And it hurts.”

Evaluating The True Problem: I can certainly understand why this conversation would hurt. And this situation is especially tough because it’s mostly outside of your control and it is benign. He’s not saying that you are a bad person or that you have done anything wrong. He’s basically telling you that he doesn’t think that your personality fits with his. This can make things feel quite personal and it can make you feel a little helpless because you’re not sure how you can even begin to change this. How do you change the core of who you are, especially if it is not the true problem.

I think that a good first step might be to ask yourself if this has always been a problem. I suppose there might be a situation where a man would have married a woman who he thought never had any fun, but I would think it would rare. I would think that the most likely scenario is that it wasn’t a huge problem when the couple was first dating. Typically, when people are deeply in love and firmly connected, their differences are actually seen as assets rather than major problems. It’s typically only when problems begin to erode the marriage that the differences in personality become real issues.

Of course, I can’t possibly know your husband’s thought process, nor can I predict how serious he may be about separating, but if it were me, I would prioritize taking a very honest look at your marriage and asking yourself if there is more going on than just your personality differences. Because I’d suspect that there are.  If he hasn’t been telling you all along that you are no fun, then I’d suspect there are larger problems at hand.

Taking The First Steps: It makes sense to try to bring a larger sense of play and fun into your marriage if you have that opportunity. If your husband doesn’t leave immediately, then you have a chance to show him some real changes, but I wouldn’t go overboard here. You can’t expect to suddenly become a comedian and have him believe that this is genuine. But you can make an honest effort and have him appreciate the same.

And better still, if you are able to restore some of the intimacy and the connection, then I would be willing to bet that both of you might find that the lack of fun wasn’t really the problem – the lack of connection was. When a couple is firing on all cylinders, a sense of play is almost automatic. They flirt and joke with one another because this is just a natural extension of their feelings. You don’t really have to work at it when your relationship is close and fresh. The point that I am trying to make is that if you are able to restore the intimacy, you might find that the “not having any fun” issue will take care of itself.

But nothing says that you can’t participate in light-hearted play with which you would be comfortable.  The key is finding activities that are GENUINELY fun and pleasurable for both of you.  It’s not always about the activity.  It is about having fun together.

Before my husband and I separated, he had some criticisms about my personality.  I tried to change the core of who I was.  And it didn’t really work.  It didn’t ring true.  I had to back up and make only genuine changes that I could maintain.  And I had to focus only on the things that were true to me. If it helps, you can read about the process of evaluating myself, making only genuine changes, and then saving my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many separated wives intuitively know that having their husband miss them is probably the first step toward a reconciliation.  And although many wives worry about this, they hope that their husband will miss them out of habit, if for nothing else.  After all, when someone has been part of your life for so long, isn’t it normal to think that once that person is no longer immediately available, there will be a natural void?  And it’s normal to hope that this void is going to work to your advantage.

So while the worry may be there, most wives expect that at some point, their husband is going to show signs of missing them. In fact, the question is not always if, but when.  And so you watch closely for signs that this is starting to happen.  When you don’t see any signs of longing, you can wonder if he’s posturing or if you are looking for the signs too early.  And you can start to question yourself as to what might happen if he’s not missing you after all.

Someone might ask: “how long should it take for a separated husband to miss you?  We’ve been separated for almost four weeks.  I’ve held off on telling my husband how much I’ve missed him.  I honestly wanted for him to say it first.  But, if the way that he is acting is any indication, it almost seems as if he doesn’t miss me at all.   He can’t get off the phone with me soon enough.  He never initiates a call or visit.  When we do talk, he wants to talk about all of the exciting things that he is doing since he no longer has the responsibility of a wife and family.  It is as if he is having the time of his life.  My friends say that if I give it a chance and let it ride, he will miss me soon enough.  I’ve known this man for half of my life.  It is as if my left hand is missing.  I yearn for him.  It is truly awful.  But it’s clear that he doesn’t feel the same way.  And I’m starting to think that the feelings have become one-sided.  How long does it take for a husband to miss you?”

It truly does depend on the person and the circumstances.  I totally understand how you feel, but in my own experience, it often takes a bit longer than you might have hoped.  In my own case, I was thinking in terms of multiple hours or days.  What I got was weeks and months.  And yet, I survived.  And we reconciled and are still married today.  In many our ways, the separation ultimately strengthened our marriage, although I would never want to go through this again.

Make Sure That You’re Helping Your Cause:  In my own situation, I honestly believe that I discouraged my husband from missing me by clinging too tightly.  I was always calling, always pressing him to do more than he was ready to do, and I never missed an opportunity to let him know just how much I hated what was happening.  So rather than miss me, he started to avoid me.  Rather than taking the hint, I simply upped my efforts to get his attention, which of course made things worse.  I looked desperate, which is how I felt.

By no means am I implying that you are making the same mistakes that I made.  You likely aren’t.  But I did want to stress that your reactions and behaviors can encourage and discourage him to miss you.  Make sure that you are encouraging rather than discouraging.

A Time Frame:  As far as days, weeks, or months, it truly does vary. And, to be frank, most of the correspondence that I get comes from people who believe that it is taking too long.  Think about it.  The people who are getting the desired result have no reason to reach out to me.  I never hear from that subset of people.

So the vast majority of folks that I hear from are dealing with a husband who hasn’t shown any signs of missing them for weeks or months.  I know that sounds rough.  But you don’t have to assume that this is going to happen for you.  Assuming the worst causes you to project worry and anxiety, which only feeds into the problem.

Back Away To Gain Ground When The Time Is Right:  I learned that you are better off trying to relax about it, give him the opportunity to feel your absence, and make the most of the times when you do interact.  Of course, this is different than just ignoring him and letting huge amounts of time go by without communication.  It’s important to keep in touch, but it’s also important to be very aware of the dynamic that is happening.

If he is cold or resistant, keep things short, light, and upbeat.  Don’t make him reluctant to reach out for fear that every time he does, you are questioning him, making him feel guilty, and reminding him of just how horrible things feel.  I know that it’s difficult, but you want to set it up so that your interactions are positive so that he looks forward to speaking to you.

Once that happens, missing you is usually not very far behind.  I learned that if he doesn’t seem to be missing you, it’s important to be honest with yourself and to ask yourself if you’re doing anything to contribute to that.  In some cases, you can make a few adjustments and completely turn the situation around.

I know about these adjustments because I had to make them myself.  I went from having my husband avoiding me to having my husband pursue me. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that many of us are not the same person who we were when we met and then married our spouse. This can be particularly true if you have been married for quite a while. And this is because most of us mature and experience things that shape our personalities so that they take on a slightly different appearance. There is nothing wrong with this maturity because it usually means that we have grown and evolved. Unfortunately though, it can become an issue if our spouse feels that the changes mean that we have outgrown them or are no longer compatible with them.

To demonstrate what I mean, I might hear a comment like: “when I met my husband, I was a young, naive girl who rarely spoke to someone unless they spoke to me first. I was painfully shy so it was only natural for me to let my husband take care of most things. My husband was very comfortable with this because he was much more assertive than I was. So, for a while, this worked very well for us. But when we were first married, I took a job that allowed me to remain in the shadows. It was a good fit for me then. However, I have grown with the company over time. And now, I am in a management position with a lot of responsibilities. I have to take much more of an upfront role. And at first I wasn’t completely comfortable being so assertive but after a while, my personality evolved so that I now am. As a result, I can handle pretty much everything on my own. My husband no longer needs to do nearly as much for me. And he obviously resents this because the other day, he came home and started gathering phone numbers to call people to get quotes to update our home. I told him that I had already taken care of it. In truth, my assistant took care of most of it, but I didn’t see the need to tell him this. My husband became angry that I handled it. He told me that I am not the person that I used to be. He said that now I am pushy and overly-assertive and aggressive. He says he doesn’t like this new personality of mine. And then, as if insulting me wasn’t enough, he said he isn’t sure that he wants to be with someone who is that much of a type A personality. He said if I was this way when he met me, he wouldn’t have dated me. He loves the shy, soft spoken girl that he first met. He doesn’t much care for the confident woman I have become. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But I’m not going to pretend to be someone who I am not.” I’ll try to offer some insights on this in the following article.

It May Not Be That He Doesn’t Like The New You. It May Be That He Doesn’t Like How The New You Makes Him Feel: Honestly, this is a very common problem for couples that have been married for a while. People are rarely the same person that you married. Some people will feel cheated by this. But if they were being totally honest, they would have to admit that they have changed somewhat, too. No one is the same person that they were multiple years ago. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

What makes people the most uncomfortable with this situation is the fact that the changes in personalities also sometimes bring about a change in their marital roles. Usually, how they relate to their spouse can define one of the ways that they think about themselves. For example, the husband in this scenario likely had always felt like his wife’s protector and provider. This made him feel good about himself and secure in his role as her husband. He felt as if she needed him. This is often important for men. When he perceives that this role is taken away, it may make him feel like less of a man.

See If There Is A Way To Compromise So That You Can Be Yourself And He Can See Glimpses Of The Old You: Try hard not to take this personally. Because I doubt that it’s true that he no longer likes your personality. It’s that the new independent you makes him feel as if he just isn’t needed anymore. This makes him feel insecure about your marriage. So, he tries to use reverse psychology on you and tells you that he isn’t sure that he wants the marriage anymore. What he really means, though, is that he’s worried that you no longer want, or need, the marriage.

So how do you fix this? You have to really find out what is most important to him concerning his role in your marriage. If he absolutely needs to feel as if he is lightening your load by doing most of the work and the negotiating when it comes to your home and your security, then it wouldn’t hurt to allow him to handle those things, even if you are completely capable of handling them yourself. And it doesn’t hurt to put this into words.

You might try something like: “honey, I’m really sorry. I had a spare moment and I thought that my handling this would spare you the extra work. I didn’t mean to take over your job. From now on, I will leave things that relate to the house up to you. I do appreciate that you take care of these things. And it won’t happen again. Could we please move on from this?”

Know that it may take him a little while to cool down. But when he sees that you are really making an effort, then he will likely back off a little bit. I know it might be tempting to point out where he has changed. But, I don’t see any reason to make this worse. Common sense tells you that you have likely both changed. But this usually won’t be a problem unless if forces one or both of you to reevaluate your roles, which can sometimes make people uncomfortable.

I wish that I had spoken up when my husband initially commented on changes in me.  Instead, I felt picked on and I became defensive.  So, the issue was never addressed.  And it eventually grew into a very large issue that caused a separation.  All of this could have been avoided if I had responded appropriately at the time.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives that confess that their worst fear (and the day that they dread the most) is the time when their husband walks out of their door, bags in hand, determined to leave them or the marriage.

It’s no wonder that many of us will do almost anything in order to avoid this. Some have confessed that they have literally stood in front of the door in an attempt to physically block him from leaving the home. Some of us will also try psychological measures in an attempt to do anything that we possibly can to keep him from walking out of the door.

And the reason for this is that many of us assume that as soon as his foot steps over the threshold and begins to walk away, then it’s going to be over. He’s literally going to close the door on our marriage and shut us out of his life. We assume that once he leaves the home, we won’t ever have a chance at a reconciliation.

A wife might say: “for weeks, I begged my husband not to leave our home. He’s been pushing for a separation. I told him that I would give him space without him needing to leave. I was willing to do this even though I knew that it would be very hard for me. But I would rather make the sacrifice to give him his space than to watch him leave our home and leave my life. The thing is, I’ve had several friends and family members who had one spouse leave. None of them are together today. Some of them separated before they divorced, but none of them reconciled. So him leaving was my worst case scenario. And the worst happened. Last night, he actually left. With two bags of clothing and belongings. And he is living with a single male colleague who will drag him out to bars every night. Some of my friends are telling me that I should not automatically assume the worst, but I can not seem to help it. In my mind, when a man leaves, there’s no reconciliation. Am I right?”

It might actually make you happy to hear me say that you are wrong. Plenty of couples reconcile after one spouse leaves, myself included. Do all couples reconcile? No, absolutely not.  But, some do.

Sometimes, when a husband leaves, he does have every intention of not coming back and also of ending his marriage. Sometimes, this intention comes true. And sometimes, things happen that encourage him to change his mind.

You might be wondering what you can begin to do in the hopes of him changing his mind. Well, I don’t know your husband. But I know that in my own experience, my clinging, begging, guilting, and manipulating actually made my husband want to extend the separation and consider a divorce.

I felt the need to do these things because I felt the need to get a quick resolution. Every day without my husband just made me more sure that I was going to lose him.  But the cycle of this started to weigh on me. And I told myself that, just for a little bit, I was going to back off.

I never intended for the “backing off” to be any real long-term strategy. It was just for my own well-being during that tiny slice of time. But as I did it, I noticed that my husband’s attitude toward me slowly began to change.

Because I wasn’t always bothering him, he could be receptive to me without worrying about how I was going to hang on his every reaction. This allowed the atmosphere between us to change.

I’m not implying that you need to back off. I can’t possibly know that. I’m just sharing my experience and I know that there is a tendency to cling very tightly out of fear when your husband initially leaves.

And if your belief is that no one ever reconciles after someone leaves the home, then there must be a lot of fear right now. Try not to let the fear control you. People do reconcile. And I believe that your chances of a reconciliation are a little better if you don’t act on your fear and you don’t panic.

I think it helps to believe that a reconciliation is possible. And it also helps to get the advice of a professional (if possible and if your spouse is open to this.) If not, you can either go on your own or you can read some self help that might help you to keep perspective and to cultivate a positive attitude.

When my own husband and I were separated, I almost always noticed that he was more receptive to me when my attitude was positive. Sometimes, my attitude happened by accident. But once I noticed this, I couldn’t deny that it helped things and so I tried to make it happen on purpose as much as possible.

I know it’s hard to put on a smile when you feel so scared. but try to see it this way. Even unpleasant things are easier to deal with if you face them with courage and optimism. There is no reason to make a bad situation worse by facing it with fear and pessimism.

As I said, my husband left our home and we did eventually reconcile.  It took a while.  It wasn’t always an easy process.  It was painful.  But it ended.  We did reconcile.  So I don’t think that you always have to assume the worst.  You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When my husband finally admitted that he was thinking about leaving me, I can remember saying over and over again: “please just tell me what I did wrong so that I can fix it.” But my husband never seemed to have the answers for me in regards to this. We went round and round on this topic, until he finally had to admit that there was not one concrete thing that I did wrong – rather, it was just a string of dissatisfaction on his part that he really could not put a finger on.

And I know that I am not alone in this. I hear from a great deal of wives who are dealing with a husband who wants to separate and leave (or who already has done so) and who can not come up with any good reason for his actions. In fact, when pressed, he will often begrudgingly admit that his wife has not done anything awful. And this can seem very unfair. She’s been a decent, caring wife and yet he is still unhappy. So, she’s left with no decent strategy as to how to “fix” this.

A wife might explain: “my husband is moving out this weekend. He admits that he doesn’t know if there is any hope for us. We’ve been happily married for eight years. Or so I thought. I never ever thought it would come to this. We’ve always been close and had a pretty darn good marriage. I have always put my marriage first. It’s very important to me. And I have always considered myself to be a good wife. When I ask him what I have done wrong, he admits that I have done nothing wrong. He admits that I have been above reproach. But he says that this does not keep him from being unhappy. When I ask for the source of his unhappiness, he can’t seem to identify it. He just seems restless and not content. But, where does this leave me? If there was a problem for which I was the cause, I could fix it. But now that he’s telling me I’m this great wife but that it doesn’t matter anyway, I’m lost. And I feel like there is no hope. I feel like my hands are tied.”

I know how this feels. And I think that it is completely possible to have a husband who is having a personal crisis and a marriage that is in trouble when you’ve done nothing wrong. However, I do have to admit that in my own case, when I examined things closely and as I was able to get more information from my husband, there were small places where I had left my marriage vulnerable. These things were not necessarily my fault. But this knowledge did allow me to make some adjustments, which did help.

However, if you truly are lost and have nowhere that you can make improvements, I think that one thing that you can do is to realize what you are and are not dealing with. In many cases, you are dealing with a sort of mid – life or mid – marriage crisis that no one can fix or end but your husband. Often, your husband is unsatisfied with his life and his accomplishments. But neither thing has anything to do with you or with your marriage. Sure, he will project his dissatisfaction onto you. But changing his marriage or his marital status often won’t make him any happier. (The good news is that many husbands do eventually come to realize this.)

I know that it can feel as if your hands are tied. But I feel that you do have some control. Because you can control how you present yourself right now and how you react. From my own experience, I have come to believe that the best thing that you can do is to understand that your husband is feeling some stress and some disappointment from somewhere. And what you can do to counter this is to make sure that when he is interacting with you, he gets a relief from that stress. To the extent that you can, make your interactions pleasant. Make them a harbor from the storm. Make it so that he can’t easily project anything onto you.

I know that this is asking a lot. But if you do this correctly, you are setting it up so that he looks around and realizes that you, and your marriage, are not the problem. And the hope is that he realizes that it is no one’s responsibility but his to ensure his own happiness. I know that this is scary. But many husbands move out thinking that leaving their marriage is going to provide relief, only to discover that the relief must come from within them.

In the meantime, what you can do is to remain positive and pleasant. I know that it’s tempting to approach him as something that must be “fixed,” but it is better to approach him as something that should be “supported.” Do you see the difference? Because I can almost guarantee you that he will feel the difference and will respond differently to each approach.

Honestly, once I understood the distinction between fixing and supporting, things changed during my separation. If I had kept trying to fix my husband or attempting to change his mind, I’d probably be divorced today.  You can read more about my separation and reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, even the most optimistic of people who are going through a martial separation know in our hearts that it could very well end in divorce. We’ve all known a couple who began the process with a separation but who eventually filed for divorce and began the process of ending their marriage. This happens to good people and couples who once loved one another all of the time.

So even when you vow to start the separation process fighting to save your marriage, you are fully aware that this may well end in divorce. But when time goes by and your spouse doesn’t file for one, you can be relieved, confused, and concerned all at the same time. While you’re extremely thankful that there’s no divorce so far, you can wonder why. And you are often afraid to ask.

A wife might explain: “my husband seemed as if he could not even stand the sight of me when he moved out. We’d been fighting horribly. Most of our problems stem from money, but also, he is another person when he’s under a great deal of stress and I resent this. So then I lash out at him in retaliation. When he moved out, he basically told me that he was saving his money so that he could afford to get a better place for the kids to visit before he divorces me. His own dad lived in an awful apartment when his parents divorced and my husband does not want this to happen to our kids. I had no idea how long it was going to take him to save up. The place where he’s living now barely cost anything. And he makes decent money. But months have gone by and he hasn’t filed and he has not mentioned filing. I can’t imagine why he would not have filed. Although we have made progress and aren’t fighting as much as we did, things are still difficult between us. We have our good days and bad days. I don’t see a reconciliation in our immediate future. So why would he not be pushing for divorce? Frankly, I am scared to ask him. I would hate to ask him and then have him file. I’d rather sit here and wonder at his motivations and still be married than to ask him and have him file.”

Any guess that I would make about your husband’s motivations would only be a guess. But not everyone separates with the intention of filing for divorce. And even those that do sometimes change their minds for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, they find that they miss their spouse and would rather be open to a reconciliation than to make this void permanent. Other times, they find that the issue that they thought they could not live with is either an issue that could be fixed or one that isn’t as unlivable as was initially thought. Other times, they do not want to file for divorce too quickly and regret it later.

I understand your reluctance to ask him. I had the same reluctance. I do think that there are ways to ask without it turning into an argument, but the other strategy is to be grateful that he hasn’t yet filed and to try to use this delay to your advantage.

You said that things have improved, but it seems that there is still work to do. Perhaps ask yourself what has brought on those improvements. Have you changed your attitude or approach? Can you pinpoint what things have brought about an improvement? If so, it makes sense to keep doing what you are doing and perhaps consider doing more of it.

It’s a no brainer to keep doing what has been working and to do less of what has caused set backs. I would not abruptly change strategies if you have found one that seems to be bringing about some improvement. I would use the progress that I have made as a foundation to slowly rebuild.

If you aren’t sure how your husband would react to this, then I’m not sure that you have to announce your strategy. You can simply stay the course and try to do more of what is working as the situation allows it.

I know that it’s human nature to feel a little paranoid and apprehensive when things don’t turn out quite as badly as we expected. We are always waiting for the inevitable negative thing to happen. But, our worst fears don’t always occur. Sometimes, we are pleasantly surprised.

None of this means that you can’t influence the outcome though. You can use this reprieve as the motivation to keep trying to improve things. You can be grateful that no one has filed for divorce and you can try to make the best use of your reprieve.

The fact that your husband has moved slowly and has put your children’s needs first says good things about his level of commitment to do what is best for his family. When both people have this same level of commitment, and then act on it, good things can happen.

Thankfully, a separation does not always mean that you are getting a divorce.  Of course, in my own situation, I assumed that my husband would eventually divorce me. I kept waiting for it.  Things improved between us and he didn’t file.  Still, I was always afraid I would one day get the papers.  But I did not ask why I wasn’t seeing papers. I just kept making improvements until it was very obvious that we were not getting divorced because we were in fact getting back together. You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I know first hand that even when you consider yourself a strong or stoic person, you may feel weak and overwhelmed during your trial or marital separation.  Even if you are typically an optimist who believes that things which are meant to be are always going to work out, you can be almost paralyzed with the fear that you are going to lose the very thing that you value the most.

This is probably why I get a lot of correspondence from newly-separated wives who are extremely disappointed in themselves.  They know that staying strong during this process is going to make everything easier. They may even suspect that strength is going to increase the odds of a reconciliation.  But they are still struggling.  They know that need to be strong, but knowing and doing are two very different things.

You might hear a comment like this one: “ever since I have known my husband, he has told me that one of the things he loves the most about me is my spunk and my strength.  I am known as someone who carries on without complaining, despite the circumstances.  I have never needed a man to take care of me.  I never depended on my husband for anything and this created a very nice dynamic between us.  I know that my husband admires this trait in me and I know that he is attracted to it. However, since he has asked for a trial separation, it is as if I am not the same person.  I am not strong.  I am very weak and afraid.  Suddenly, I worry about maintaining the house by myself when it was never a problem before.  I worry about being on my own.  I worry about being lonely and isolated.  I worry that I will lose the only man I have ever truly loved.  I worry that we will not grow old together now.  As a result, I am clingy and needy around my husband.  And I can tell that he doesn’t like this.  I am afraid that he will start to distance himself from me even more.  So, when I am alone, I will tell myself that the next time I see him, I will act like my old self. I will conduct myself with pride and make it appear that I am doing well. But within minutes of speaking to or being with my husband, it’s obvious that it is all a charade. I fall apart.  My weakness and my neediness shows.  How can I regain my strength right now?”

I wish I had a magic wand that I could give you.  I know how this feels. I have been through it.  What I can do though, (and I hope that it helps,) is to tell you some things which I found helpful when faced with this issue myself.

Step Back From A Sense Of Immediacy: In my experience, you have to find a way to break away from everything feeling so immediate.  I remember thinking that I had to make some change or to do something RIGHT NOW in order to have any chance of saving my marriage.  What this mindset does is it causes you to panic.  You feel so much anxiety that you are only reacting out of fear.  You can not think straight.  Every encounter with your husband can’t develop naturally because you’re only focused on what might go wrong.  This just adds to the heaviness of the situation and it makes it less likely that you will have a good outcome.

Instead, you have to step back.  You have to believe that in time, your situation will improve and that you can’t expect it to resolve itself immediately, especially if your husband is telling you that he needs “some time.”  So, you have to find a way to talk yourself down from feeling so stressed so much of the time.

What works in this situation is going to be different for everyone.  For me, I volunteered, spent time with friends and family, and engaged in hobbies that I did not have time with before.  I tried to tell myself that this was my opportunity to evaluate what changes and improvements that I wanted in my marriage – changes that were for my benefit and not just for my husband’s.  And this helped a great deal.

Make It Simple And Flexible.  And Give Yourself Permission To Make Changes As Needed: Beyond stepping back from a sense of immediacy, you have to have a determination that you are going to handle this in a way that you can proud of.  I know that this is a difficult time.  But no life is without difficulty.  This is probably one of a few struggles that you will have to deal with over the course of a life well-lived.  You don’t want to look back with any regret.  So it’s important that, as hard as it is, you are constantly evaluating your approach and making changes as they are needed. If you know that today has not gone well, then do better tomorrow.

That said, if you have a momentary weakness, forgive yourself and move on.  I used to think that I had to act as if I really didn’t care about my husband’s behavior or the separation.  I thought that this was a sign of strength.  The truth is that everyone saw right through this – including my husband.  I think that true strength is being honest, but stoic.  Everyone knows that even strong people struggle during a martial separation.  But if you do the best you can and conduct yourself with grace and dignity, then that is a sign of strength and self respect and really, what more can anyone ask?

None of us do everything perfectly when we are experiencing fear during our separation.  But, ask yourself how you’d advise your best friend or sister to act in your situation.  You’d want her to hold her head high and carry on, right?  You’d want for her to be her best self while doing the best that she could.  Yes, this is all easier said than done.  I know that.  I struggled greatly in the first weeks after my separation.  But I eventually pulled myself together.  I suspect that you will, too. You can read about all that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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