Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re lucky, you had a honeymoon period in the beginning of your marriage.  What do I mean by this?  Your marriage started off with a blissful bang where you were both so happy, you may have annoyed and inspired envy in others.  Some people will tell you that the first two years of marriage are the hardest, but from the correspondence that I get (and from my own experience) I think that for many couples, this just isn’t true. Many couples find things more difficult after they have been married for a while. And many notice a very marked difference in their spouse’s happiness and satisfaction level of their marriage after some years have passed.

Someone might explain it in a way similar to this: “when my husband and I first got married, people used to describe him as beaming.  Both his mother and sister told me that they had never seen my husband so happy.  He never tried to hide his feelings from me or others.  He would tell anyone who would listen just how happy I’d made him.  This always made me feel good – as if I’d created something special.  Today, that happy man no longer exists.  He’s sullen and cold.  He’s very critical of the marriage he used to describe as the very best thing in his life.  He’s detached from our family.  And he compares our marriage to the second marriages of his friends.  These friends are married to much younger women and of course they tell my husband that the sex is great and non-stop. I doubt that these claims are even true, but if they are, it’s unfair to compare.  These women don’t have children to worry about.  They have household help.  Their only job is to make their husband happy and to look good.  I do not have this luxury, but my husband seems to expect me to act like them.  Because of these unfair comparisons, he’s now unhappy with our marriage.  He thinks that we don’t have a good marriage anymore.  My friends say that he is just going through a phase and that he will soon see the reality of these May – December marriages.  They say that I am worrying too much about this.  Are they right?  Should I be concerned?”

Why I Think That You SHOULD Be Concerned: I wish I could tell you that you can relax and should not be concerned.  But I can’t honestly tell you this.  Because I tried not to be concerned when my own husband began to show obvious signs of unhappiness.  I too figured it was just a phase and that we would be fine once this thing ran its course.

But I could not have been more wrong.  And we ended up separated because I just sat by and I watched it happen.  So I may be over-analyzing this, but I don’t think that there’s any such thing as being overly cautious when it comes to your marriage.

In my view, it’s better to give your marriage too much attention than not enough.  If you take action and your husband was just going through a phase, then what is the harm?  You’ve given the person you love the most your attention and you have strengthened your marriage.  Those are both very good things that are never a waste of time or energy.

But if you ignore the problem and hope for the best, then it may grow into a much bigger problem that is harder to adequately address.  It is much easier to do maintenance on your marriage and to stop problems before they start than it is to save your marriage once your husband decides that he is truly unhappy in that same marriage.

Taking An Honest Look At Why He’s Unhappy: I know that it can be hard to proceed when you are trying to address your husband’s issues instead of your own. But I would start by asking myself if his complaints have any validity at all.  Sometimes, you can look at them and see a sliver of truth in the complaints.  When I got really honest with myself during my own separation, this was almost always the case.

For example, you are absolutely right that it is unfair for your husband to compare your marriage to his friends’ marriages.  He’s not comparing apples to apples and his friends may not be showing him the true reality of their marriages.  And, even if they were being absolutely truthful, marriages change with time. Revisit those same marriages in 10 years and I guarantee you that they will not look the same.

That said, could he possibly be right that the physical side of your marriage has changed and not for the better?  Do you give this part of your marriage enough attention so that you are both fulfilled? Frankly, I could not have truthfully answered yes to this question right before my own separation.  I did not want to see reality because I felt defensive and attacked, but my husband had some valid points.

It is better to be honest with yourself and put your attention where it is appropriate than to get defensive while nothing changes.  And while I think that it’s perfectly normal for things to change over the course of a marriage, there should always be the connection and that sense of desire and commitment.

Yes, it’s hard to have sex and affection in the way that you did when your marriage was new simply because you have so many other obligations now.  Once kids and careers demand more of your attention, there is only so much of you to go around.  Still, people in good, solid marriages find a way to make that marriage a strong priority so that everyone feels that their needs have at least attempted to be met.

You may feel that you are trying to do this, but if your husband is complaining or showing signs of unhappiness, ask yourself how and where you can be more effective. This is not a knock on you.  And this is not a situation where you should be doing all of the work.  But sometimes, small changes in where you’re putting your attention and placing your priorities makes a huge difference.  And it is so much easier to make these shifts than to try to save your marriage if you are separated.

I wish I had listened to my own advice.  It was very difficult to save my marriage after my unhappy husband moved out.  I would have been much better off paying attention from the start.  You can read more about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  If we’re being honest, I think that most separated wives have to agree that they are secretly hoping that their husband is miserable during their marital separation.  This is partly selfish.  We are hoping that if he is miserable or unhappy, then he will be more apt to talk about reconciling or coming home.

So we are looking or listening for any sign that he’s a little down or lost.  And although we don’t mind him returning to happiness once we’ve reconciled, we figure a little misery for the short term won’t hurt anything.  So we listen to his tone of voice.  We watch his body language.  We are monitoring for any sign of distress.

Unfortunately, we do not always see this. Sometimes, we see just the opposite.  Sometimes, we can not help but notice that there’s a new spring in his step and a lightness in his voice. Frankly, we can sometimes realize that he doesn’t seem unhappy at all.  And if you are being honest with yourself, you have to admit that he almost seems a bit gleeful.  At first, you might tell yourself that you are just being paranoid, but there may come a time when it can not be denied any longer.

You might hear something like: “I hate to admit this to myself, but I honestly think that my husband enjoys being separated.  This is my worst fear come true. Neither of us have lived on our own for over 10 years.  I expected him to struggle.  I expected him to realize just how much I handle for him and then realize that being alone is a lot of work and is quite lonely.  Honestly, most of the time, my husband is a home-body.  However, he’s been hitting the town since he has lived alone.  So many mutual friends have reported spotting him out with other friends. I have actually run into him a few times.  A couple of times, I approached him and other times, I made sure that he didn’t see me.  Each time I saw him, there is no denying that he seemed animated, energized, and happy.  Quite frankly, he even looks younger. I feel that the opposite is true for me.  I feel like that I have aged five years.  I’m very sad and anxious all of the time.  I fear losing my marriage. When we talked yesterday, I actually considered mentioning this to him.  But I’m very afraid that he will confirm my fears and I am not sure how I would ever react to this.  And I worry that if he is happy during the separation, then he will never come back.  Is this true?”

I honestly think that there were times when my husband was almost giddy during our separation. And my goodness how it hurt.  But, we are still together today.  It was not a seamless separation.  There were times when I was sure that we would divorce. I honestly think that there were times when my husband thought that a divorce would be preferable.  And yet, here were are.  The point I am trying to make his that happiness during a separation doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is never coming back.

But here is something that I REALLY want you to understand.  Things change.  And especially during a separation, feelings and perceptions change.  Sure, he may feel happy right now.  It honestly might be a relief to have all of the tension and pain behind him.  But that doesn’t mean that every single day without you is going to be gleeful.

It’s very common for the newness to wear off and for the glee to settle down.  In my own case, I suspected that my husband felt a little like I did when I went away to college.  I sometimes clashed with my parents and I did feel some momentarily relief when I suddenly didn’t have to answer to someone anymore or be in the tense household.

This feeling didn’t last.  Once the novelty of college wore off, I realized how much I missed and needed my parents. And I also understood how I had misjudged them somewhat.  Once I did visit home, I appreciated them in a new way because the distance made my perception change.

The point is, it is quite possible that once the newness of this wears off, your husband’s perceptions will change also.  And I’d like to also point out that a person being happy doesn’t mean that this person isn’t going to reconcile with their spouse.  Quite frankly, two happy, well-adjusted people are what you want in a marriage.  His happiness and your reconciliation should not be opposing forces.  You should be able to have both of them at the same time.  In fact, if he’s happy and in a good mood, then your reconciliation may actually be easier because he will be more agreeable.

Now, it’s important to be careful here.  You don’t want your fear at his happiness to cause you to bring him down when you are together.  Greet his happiness with your own so that he doesn’t feel uncomfortable around you. Make sure that he feels at ease when you speak and are together.  You want him to know that you truly have his best interest at heart and don’t oppose him being happy.  After all, if he thinks he can’t be happy with you and can only be happy without you, this is a problem.  Show him that both states of being can exist.

About the time that the novelty wears off, he will realize that you’ve been nothing but supportive of him.  This is what you truly want.  Of course, I learned this the hard way.  I feared my own husband’s happiness and this clouded the way that I reacted when we were together.  He started to avoid me.  I had to completely change my strategy to get him back.  The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from married folks who are quite distressed by the lack of affection in their marriage. Many want to understand why this pattern may exist so that they can come up with a plan to change it.

A wife might say: “for the last five years or so, my husband hasn’t wanted to show me affection. At first, I ignored it. I figured he was going through something and I didn’t want to add to it by demanding that he act a certain way around me. However, after a while, it was very hard to continue not to mention it. I felt very neglected and cheated. I’d see our couple friends kissing, holding hands, and hugging and I would feel like I had the only subpar marriage in the lot. So I finally mentioned it to my husband and he told me that I was overreacting and being very demanding. He said that I didn’t have the right to dictate his actions to him. And he said my bugging him about this meant that he had even less desire to show me affection. So this got me curious about why he had such a low desire to be affectionate in the first place. So I asked him about that. And he had no answer for me. Why would a husband not want to show affection to his wife?”

Before I attempt to answer, I have to tell you that this is all just going to be a woman guessing. I’m not a man. My opinion is based on men who I hear from and my own observations. Below are what I think are some possibilities.

He’s Gotten Into The Habit Of Keeping His Feelings Inside: For many of us women, it’s second nature to reach out to those we love. Often, when we’re interacting with our kids or our husbands, it’s just natural to give a hug or a kiss whenever the feeling strikes us. We were socialized to be this way because most of us had mothers who were the exact same way. It’s sort of understood that it’s our job to be the emotional center of the family. We’re the nurturers.

In contrast, our husband is more likely to have noticed the behavior of a less demonstrative or stoic father. And because his father was his family role model, he’s going to be more likely to model his father’s behavior instead of his mother’s. So it’s not going to be as natural for him to show affection.

Now, you can always help him along by noticing the few times he is affectionate and making a big deal of how happy it makes you. Positive reinforcement works so much better than negative reinforcement. Because when you get all upset about it and then make a big deal about how he’s falling short, he can pull back even more because it feels like you are criticizing him. (And that’s likely what he meant when he alluded to feeling less emotional toward you when you complained about his lack of affection.)

He Assumes You Already Know How He Feels: When I’ve dialogued with men about this topic, many of them will say things like: “I don’t understand why my wife always expects me to put on a show for her. I am married to her. Obviously I am committed and obviously I love her very much. So why does she demand that I work so hard to show her? She should just know.”

I am not telling you that this thinking is correct. But I can tell you that this is what some men think. The way to get around this is to be very specific when you ask for more. Instead of sounding accusatory and saying something like: “why don’t you ever show me any affection?” Try something like: “sometimes, when it’s been a while since you’ve kissed or hugged me, it makes me feel a bit unloved.” This puts the focus on you and it doesn’t sound like he’s falling short. Therefore, he’s going to be much more likely to come through for you.

There’s Some Underlying Issue That Hasn’t Been Addressed: Sometimes, when you have a husband who used to be very affectionate who suddenly turns cold, it’s not a bad idea to take a look at your marriage. Sometimes, spouses pull away when they’re disappointed about something. There may be underlying resentments or issues that you may need to work through.

I’m not saying that any of this is your fault or that there’s a horrible issue on the horizon, but I am saying that if you can find the issue that changed everything and then fix it, then your husband’s level of affection should return back to normal, which is what you really want.

The bottom line is that physical affection is important in a marriage. You shouldn’t feel guilty or wrong for wanting it. But you have to be careful about how you ask for it. Because the way that you frame your message can have a huge impact on whether or not you get what you want and how your husband feels when he gives it to you.

After my husband and I finally reconciled after our separation, I made it my rule to show him physical and emotional affection at least three times a day.  This is such a little thing, but it has paid huge dividends.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, I hear from women who are deeply conflicted about their troubled marriage. At this time, their greatest wish is to convince their husband to try to make their marriage work. Usually, it’s become crystal clear that the marriage is crumbling. And, because the wife is still invested in her marriage, she’s trying to get her husband on board with trying to save it.

Initially, that might be all that she can think of and she may even consider it her only goal – until her husband tells her something that stops her in her tracks. This can happen when her husband discloses that he is no longer in love with her.

A wife might say: “I have known for about seven months that my husband has been unhappy in our marriage. He seems to have totally checked out with our family. He’s in the home, but he’s not really there. He’s distant from the rest of us. He never shows me any affection. He can be sarcastic and he can care less about things that are important to me. Despite this, I love him. I’ve never stopped. We’ve had some issues with one of our children that introduced a lot stress into our lives. I believe this is what changed our marriage. But I also believe that we can change it back if we’re willing to work hard. So I approached my husband about working on getting us connected again. At first, he told me that he wasn’t going to make me any promises. The other day, my husband and I made the mistake of fighting in front of our kids. The youngest one started to cry and said she was scared that we were getting a divorce. After this, I told my husband that our marital issues are negatively affecting our kids and that we needed to get serious about saving our marriage. My husband agreed that he would try, but I could tell that his heart wasn’t in it. So I asked him ‘don’t you love me anymore?’ And he said: ‘I love you but I have not been in love with you for a long time.’ I was devastated by this. On the one hand, I want to take him up on his offer to try to save our marriage. On the other hand, I have to wonder if it’s even worth saving a marriage to a spouse who is no longer in love with me. I feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve. I feel like our marriage can’t ever be complete.”

I can understand why you might feel this way. When my husband and I were separated, it had begun to become increasingly clear that he wasn’t feeling a great deal of love for me. And when I was trying in vain to get him back in any way possible (a strategy I later abandoned for a better one) I often wondered if we could ever truly be happy when only one of us was sure of their love.

Here’s the belief that I formed about this over time. Many people think that they have fallen out of love with their spouse when their marriage is in trouble. When you aren’t connecting or when there are major issues that weigh on you, then you start to see every single negative thing about your spouse. You start to look for and focus on their flaws. You aren’t receptive to the good things in them. You aren’t receptive to experiencing any loving feelings.

In short, you are seeing things from a very slanted perspective. You are likely resistant to anything positive that might spark between you. But, when your problems begin to fade or the stress lessens and you perhaps feel the slightest flicker of a spark once again, then your perspective changes.

You can once again be receptive to the positive. You can remember the way that things used to be. And that is when the loving feelings come back. Once you are receptive again and things continue to improve, you may eventually find that you’ve “fallen back in love with” your spouse. This is semantics, really. What has essentially happened is that you were able to change your perspective because the circumstances have changed.

What I am trying to say is that when people have troubled marriages or their marriage is affected by problems or stress, they very commonly think they’ve “fallen out of love.” But when the problems disappear, suddenly they are in love again.

It happens over and over again and it happened to me, to an extent. That’s why I believe that you might want to consider moving forward with trying to save your marriage. I’m admittedly biased but I think it’s always worth it to try to fight for a relationship that is so important. And I know from experience that once you are successful with it and when you have done it the right way, you’ll likely find a husband who is in love with you all over again so that you haven’t had to settle for second best.

As I alluded to, I think that there was a point in my separation (and even earlier in my marriage) where my husband merely tolerated me.  And there were days when I thought that his lack of feelings meant that we weren’t going to make it.  But today, I am confident when I say that he loves me very much.  You can see how we got from feeling estranged and frustrated to feeling in love on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel quite criticized and unaccepted by their husbands. One of the common complaints is that the wife “no longer makes an effort” or “has let herself go.” I fully admit that I often side with the wives on this topic. Because I’ve been on the receiving end of this criticism and I feel that much of the time, it’s quite unfair and it’s a bit of a double standard. Nonetheless, however unfair the criticism is, it is often your reality. And if left unaddressed, it can leave your marriage in trouble or even end it.

A wife might explain it this way: “last Friday night, my husband approached me about going out to dinner. He said he felt like celebrating because it was the weekend. Honestly, I had the busiest week at work and I was exhausted. On top of that, I had carpool all week and I had to take my son to orchestra practice that evening. I honestly just wanted to turn on ‘Dateline’ and put on my pajamas. I asked my husband if he would mind ordering pizza and going out on Saturday. He sighed deeply as if I had told him that I would never go out again instead of just asking for a delay. He whispered under his breath: ‘you never make an effort for me anymore.’ I asked him what in the world he was talking about. He said that I don’t make an effort to spend time with him, look pretty for him, and make time for just him. He said that by the time I get around to giving myself to him, I am too worn out. He is right about that. I am exhausted by the weekend. And I feel like the last thing I want to do is get dressed up and stay out late. I think that it’s selfish of him to pout like a child when I won’t do exactly what he wants when he wants it. We all get dressed up on Sundays to go to church and we eat out afterward. It’s not as if he never sees me dressed up. He says that I don’t do things to make him feel special, but he doesn’t always do this for me either. And I don’t always expect it because I know that we live in the real world and that we have adult responsibilities. Our children’s’ needs and commitments often come first and yes, we do spread ourselves thin sometimes. But our children will only be with us for a certain length of time before they are adults.”

Why This Criticism Seems Unfair, And Why You Should Absolutely Take It Seriously: I do sympathize. Frankly, Friday night in my pajamas and in front of my television is healing for me also.  It can feel like my sanctuary sometimes and I often invite my husband to sit down and watch right along with me.  I look forward to it and I safeguard it. So I know exactly how you feel. And I don’t think it’s selfish of you to ask for it. But, I also get a good deal of correspondence from men who outline situations very similar to this one. The problem is extremely real to them – so real that it can lead to separations and divorces. Plus, I think that in some way, this was a problem in my own marriage before my separation – although it wasn’t the only one.

So I would never tell you to ignore the problem. In my opinion, that just wouldn’t be wise. You’d get what you wanted temporarily, but your husband wouldn’t. And he could become resentful because of this or he could feel like you’re not hearing him or that you just don’t care.

How To Strike The Balance That Beings To Make Things Right: I think that probably the best solution here is trying to strike a balance and that is not always easy. It is often our inclination to try to reason with our husband. We will try to explain to him how tired we are and how he should just know how much we love him. And he might agree on the surface, but he may be deep-down angry that his wife isn’t giving him what he thinks that he needs. And he may begin to withdraw from you or become distant. So you make less of an effort in response and it becomes a destructive cycle.

A Strategy That Gives You Both What You Want: I think that there is possibly a more effective way to make your point. The next time you’re feeling up to it, get a sitter, get dressed up, and give your husband exactly what he’s been wanting. When he’s all happy and content about this, tell him that you wish you could do this all of the time, but that it’s not always possible because of your commitments. Tell your husband it might help if he could cover Friday orchestra practice so you aren’t as tired. Or perhaps the two of you could be very honest about how often he needs “the effort” and how often you need to decompress.

Sometimes, the easiest way to handle this is to schedule regular outings for him and regular rest for you. That way, everyone knows what to expect and no one feels slighted or ignored. It can be tricky to come up with a schedule that makes everyone happy, but it is so worth it. And it is much easier to navigate this now than to have to try to save your marriage later because you didn’t address this.

A New Way To Look At This Compromise: I have found it helpful to look at “putting in the effort” as pampering. It’s easy to get frustrated and to think that you “have” to primp because of him when you’d be content in your pajamas. But the truth is, every time I do this, I feel better afterward and I’m glad I did make the effort. Plus, my husband’s reaction is always very sweet and endearing and it makes me feel closer to him. I know the challenges of handling fatigue when you are trying to be all things to all people. And there will be days when you will honestly have to take a raincheck. But you don’t want to get in the habit of always taking a raincheck. Taking care of your marriage is very important – even when there are children. Especially when there are children. You are modeling the marriage that they might one day have. And ideally, you want them to make time for their marriages also.

I do understand how you feel.  It stinks when it feels that you are pulled in many directions.  I think that you just have to do the best that you can and know that your marriage takes work and maintenance.  It is easier to maintain it than to save it once it’s potentially gone.  I know that firsthand.  I almost lost my marriage due to a lack of maintenance.  Thankfully, this forced me to see my marriage differently, so I was able to save it. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who think that things are lopsided in their marriage. One example is the spouse who thinks that although she values her husband’s happiness above her own, he doesn’t return the favor. And over time, she has come to believe that he could care less whether her happiness level is high or low. In fact, at times she suspects that he sabotages it.

A wife might complain: “over the course of my marriage, I can probably count on both hands how many times my husband has placed my happiness above his own. I am the exact opposite. I always make sure that I make his favorite meals and give him the best food of the night. I would never take a job in a city that my husband doesn’t like. If I notice that something seems to be bothering my husband, then I will always ask him what is wrong and try to make things better for him if I possibly can. If he showed me one-quarter of the concern that I show for his happiness, then things would be fine. I don’t expect him to care as much about my happiness as I do for his. But I would like for him to put it somewhere on his list of priorities. Because as it stands, I don’t think it matters to him if I’m happy or not. He just took a job in a city that he knows I won’t like where I don’t know a soul. He knows how important it is for me to have friends. He doesn’t encourage me at my job. When I tell him I’d like to try to look for something more challenging and fitting, he tells me that we can’t afford for me to quit and then he takes a job without even consulting me. He plans our weekends without any regard to what I might enjoy. This makes me feel unloved. I see so many of my friends who have husbands who occasionally surprise them with small, inexpensive gifts, but my husband would never think of this. It doesn’t seem to give him any pleasure to make me happy in the way that it does for my friends’ husbands. I am starting to feel unloved and I am starting to believe that he doesn’t care if I am in his life or not. On my worst days, I think he sabotages my happiness as a form of pettiness or passive-aggressive punishment or emotional distance. What are you supposed to do when your husband can care less if you are happy or not?”

Before I answer the more direct question, I’d suggest that although you’d love for your husband to notice and prioritize your feelings and your happiness much more, it might be unfair to say that he could absolutely care less about your happiness. I suppose it’s possible,  but it would be very untypical. It’s also not indicated here as to why the out-of-town job was taken. Because the husband was reluctant to let the wife quit her job, I’d suspect finances were tight, which may have been a huge contributing reason for the husband having to take an out-of-town job. Please know that I’m not defending this husband.  His behavior was certainly insensitive. But sometimes, there are other considerations that must be taken into account to determine what is actually going on in a marriage.

Is He Careless Or Clueless?: Of course, I am just speculating. I don’t know this couple. But I do hear from a lot of men in this situation and many will say that they’d like to make their wives happy but they aren’t sure how or they are worried that their efforts will be pitiful. In short, they feel they are clueless as to what makes their wife’s moods swing one way or another. Some say they feel uncomfortable with being so responsible for someone else’s happiness. They will say that she seems sad for reasons that she won’t share and that when she is happy, they aren’t quite sure what they did right.

By no means am I saying that this is the case here. I have no way to know that. But I think it helps to be aware that many men do care about their wife’s happiness but they also feel unequipped to be the one to provide it.

Another option is passive-aggressiveness.  Is he angry or resentful about something that you can address with him? Sometimes, if you remove these obstacles, he will suddenly care about your happiness again because he sees that you care about his.

You Can Provide Yourself With Much Of What You Need: This leads me to my next point. I know that this may not go over very well, but I wouldn’t be very helpful if I didn’t bring it up. My goal is to help the wife become happier. So I have to mention this. The best way to ensure that you are as happy as you can possibly be is to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Sometimes, you have to be your own advocate. Sometimes you have to experience precisely what you want without thinking about anything or anyone else. This feels very selfish for a lot of people. I can tell you that often, the exact opposite is true. Honestly, most of the time, your husband wants you to be happy and he is INCREDIBLY RELIEVED when you are. In fact, he’s so relieved that it doesn’t matter to him that you provided it for yourself.

When You Provide Your Own Happiness, You Relieve Some Pressure And Encourage Your Husband To Follow Along:  Do you know what happens when you prioritize your own happiness?  Your husband feels less pressure, so he is more likely to follow along and then make the effort. It’s often when you start making yourself happy that you will see him WANTING to make you happy, because you have demonstrated that it is not impossible.

Examples Of Taking Responsibility For Your Own Happiness: What do I mean by taking responsibility for your own happiness? Taking over the weekend plans when there is something you want to do. Putting yourself out there and surrounding yourself with people when you know that friendships are vital to you. And asking yourself what is wrong when you feel down rather than waiting for someone else to do it.

I know that sometimes, we feel that we shouldn’t have to do this. We believe that this is what our spouse is for. But our spouse can’t read our minds. Only we know what we need. And when we give it to ourselves, we are much happier. This frees up our marriage and eliminates the pressure – which in turn allows our husband to make the little gestures that we’ve been waiting for.

Honestly, one of the biggest truths that I accepted during my separation was that I was responsible for my own happiness.  This was a major factor in saving my marriage and it has completely changed the course of my separation for the better. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated and dreaming about when (or if) you will reconcile with your spouse, you often think that you really do not care how the reconciliation happens or what brings it on. Often, your thought process is telling you that you should take what you can get and be very happy to have it. Sure, it would be ideal if your husband wanted to reconcile only because of his love for you and because he wants to be married to you. Unfortunately, there are often many other factors that come in to play – children and money being, at least in my opinion, the top two.

So wives who suspect that children or money are the motivation behind a potential reconciliation may be a little disappointed or even doubtful. And they may wonder what his motivation may have to do with whether or not their reconciliation is actually successful. Someone may lament: “I have been fanaticizing about getting back together with my husband from day one of my separation. That’s pretty much all I have been able to think about and my concentration for other things has been a joke. Early on, it looked very bleak for us. My husband acted like he didn’t want to see me or take my calls. When we would come together for the kids, it was clear that he was only going through the motions for their sake. Now, several weeks later, he has suddenly seemed interested in me again. Last weekend, his sister told me that he was going to see an attorney this week to explore his options. So I now suspect that the attorney told him how much a divorce is going to cost and how much he could be looking at in terms of alimony and child support. My husband is very motivated by money, so I honestly think that this is why he seems to have a change of heart. Last night, he even told me that he would be open to a reconciliation and that ultimately, if we were able to work some things out, that he would like to see us back together. This is what I have been wanting more than anything, but now I can not stop questioning it. Because I can not help but wonder if my husband acting like he wants us back together because of his cheapness. My husband is notoriously cheap. He hates to lose money. And I am worried that his love of money is stronger than his desire to end his relationship with me. In short, he probably thinks that a divorce is going to cost him too much. And that’s the only reason he’s open to getting back together.”

Your concern is not rare. Many wives worry about their husband’s motivations for being open to a reconciliation – especially if he was resistant to it before. I often hear women with kids saying the same thing – that they worry he’s only staying because of his love for his children and not because of his love for his wife.

You Can’t Possibly Know The Combination Of Many Factors That Might Be Motivating Him: My response to these concerns is this: And it’s only my opinion. But, I think that there are many factors that go into a husband’s decision to reconcile. Could money be a factor? Certainly, it could. And consideration for the kids can weigh heavily on both parties.

But, I honestly don’t think that it’s always one thing that changes a husband’s mind. I think that it is a combination of many things. And I also think that if a man absolutely did not want to be married to you, then all of the money in the world would not change his mind. In my opinion, sometimes you can not see everything that is at play. He may have been missing you and not sharing his feelings. He may have been thinking about this for weeks but keeping it to himself. You can’t possibly know his exact thought process and I’m not sure that this should be your primary concern anyway. So, what should be your primary concern?

What Matters Most –  Why He’s Open To A Reconciliation?  Or The Fact That He IS Open At All?  I think that the focus should be that, finally, you now have your chance. That is what you have wanted all along. And it makes sense to take advantage of it rather than to question it, doubt it, and to hesitate. Sure, money may have come into his mind. But what is more important is that he is finally open to you and he is finally receptive. Do you really want to waste that opportunity because you don’t know his exact thought process?

I know that the thought that something other than his love for you may have motivated him is troubling. But the thing that can quiet these thoughts is building a new and better marriage that leaves no doubt that he is with you because he wants to be. Yes, things may not be ideal now. You may both be unsure and you both may have concerns.

But nothing says that you can’t work very hard to change that. People who successfully rebuild their marriages are often very happy to see that they no longer have the same marriage at the end of this process. They have a better marriage. And so there is no need for these doubts. Because it doesn’t matter how, or why, you start. What matters is how you finish. Don’t overthink it. Embrace the mind set that is going to give you the best chance of success. The mind set of doubt does not offer that benefit. But the mind set of hope does.

Honestly, I worried that my husband was only responding to a new strategy I was using during my separation.  But then I realized that his motivations didn’t as much as our results.  So what if he was responding to a new strategy?  What mattered is that he responded.  And that made all the difference.  You can read the rest my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are getting ready to separate from their spouse. Many never wanted the separation to begin with and they are dreading it now. So, they want to know what they are up against and how long they must endure it. Some of them are dealing with spouses who are insinuating or insisting that the separation might take a while or a lengthy amount of time.

A wife might express this: “my husband apparently needs time to work out what he wants. He’s honestly being very selfish right now. He acts as if it’s perfectly fine for him to just back away from his life and from his responsibilities. But I don’t feel as if I have any choice but to go along with it. The other day, I mentioned beginning a home restoration in a few months. My husband responded that he didn’t know if he would be home in a few months. This really surprised and upset me, so I asked him how long he anticipated that the separation would last. He told me that he didn’t have any set time frame in his head, but that he thought for sure it would be more than a few weeks. I told him that a separation that goes on for more than a month is most likely headed for divorce. He disagreed with this. Who is right? For how long should a separation last?”

The Average Duration Is Just An Average: I’m certainly not a therapist. Although I’ve researched this topic and read that the average duration of separation before reconciliation is around six months, I don’t think that there is any set time for a separation to last. I’m not aware of any rules or guidelines that are potentially helpful. Essentially, it’s my opinion that the separation should last only long enough for the issues to be resolved. But it certainly should not linger on so long that it distances the spouses from one another or creates unsure feelings.

The Ideal End Point For A Separation Is When Both People Believe The Marriage Is On Its Way To Recovery: As to how long this should take, it truly does depend upon what type of issues the couple is dealing with and how willing they are to meet or to speak regularly in order to work the issues through. Frankly, you often have one spouse who wants to hurry things along while the other is dragging his feet.

Now, I won’t tell you that some people don’t end their separations much earlier than they anticipated because they found that they missed their spouse terribly and that life living alone makes them even more unhappy. This absolutely does happen. But you have to be careful in these situations because when nothing has been done to address your problems or to enhance your ability to work issues out as they arise, then you can eventually find yourself in the same negative place when stressors come up again.

I personally felt that my separation went on for far too long. I certainly would have shortened it if I could have. But my husband set the time frame because he was the one who initiated the separation. But looking back at it now, the time away did give us a perspective that we wouldn’t otherwise have had. And it did show us that we didn’t want to let our problems simmer ever again because we never want to repeat that process.

I believe that if I had to do it all over again, I would have tried to set up an agreeable schedule beforehand. Instead, my husband and I just left this open-ended. And so long periods of time would go by when we didn’t even communicate and then I would get desperate about this and then call my husband acting in all sorts of negative ways. This lead to more issues between us which made our separation last even longer.

Try To Agree On Regular Meetings And Communication: I think that one of the best things that you can do right out of the gate is to agree that you are going to meet or talk on a regular basis. Plan on that time like a regular appointment and stick with it. If your spouse is willing to go to counseling, this makes it easier because you can just pre-schedule those appointments. And people tend to take things more seriously when they are paying for something. Most people don’t want to pay a counselor and then turn around and discard that counselor’s advice.

Why An Exact Time Frame Is So Hard To Give: I know that you were probably looking for an exact time frame or were hoping that I would say something like “a trial or marital separation should only last for a couple of weeks at the most.” Unfortunately, I really can’t say that. Because this time frame may not be right for every couple. And I believe from experience that there is a real risk in pressuring a spouse to come home before he thinks that he is ready. There is also a risk in him coming home before the issues are addressed. And I would never tell you that a lengthy separation always ends in divorce.  I’ve seen even long term separations lead to wonderful reconciliations.

I understand wanting your husband to come home as soon as possible because that was my reality also. But, I’ve come to believe that a separation should last as long as it takes for the couple to at least address their problems and then to both decide that the marriage is what they want.

If I’d have gotten my way, my separation would have lasted only a couple of days.  This wasn’t my reality though.  But some of my own behavior contributed to its length.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I don’t think that anyone enjoys being unsatisfied with their marriage. I don’t think that anyone strives to be unhappy. In fact, many of us don’t admit, even to ourselves, that we are not content with our marriage until things have gotten pretty bad.

And sometimes, once we admit this unhappiness to ourselves, we hesitate to say anything to our spouse. We don’t want to sound as if we are complaining and we don’t want to be unreasonable. So by the time that things get bad enough that we share our concerns with our spouse, we’ve typically been dealing with the issue for quite a while.

The Risk You Take When You Share Your Unhappiness With Your Spouse: It can take a lot of courage and resolve to tell your spouse that you aren’t happy. And, in order for many of us to do this, we try to convince ourselves that by taking this chance, things are going to be better in the long run. We tell ourselves that it will all be worth it in the end because if we are successful, then both ourselves and our spouses are going to be happier.

And, this does happen for some. It’s wonderful when your spouse hears your request in the respectful manner in which it was intended. Unfortunately, though, not everyone is this lucky. Honestly, it is human nature for even the fairest and calmest person to get defensive when you tell them that you are just not happy in the relationship that you share.

In fact, some get so defensive that they give you an unfortunate challenge – they tell you that if you are that unhappy, then end the relationship. And leave it.

This can leave the person making the request with a very difficult decision to make. Do they continue to press or rock the boat? Or do they stand their ground and face the risk?

Here’s an example. A wife might have this type of situation: “When I met my husband, he was so sweet. He was always doing thoughtful things for me – leaving love letters, bringing me small and inexpensive trinkets just to let me know that he was thinking of me, and singing my praises to all of his friends and family. People used to tell me that my husband just beamed whenever he talked about or was with me. People used to envy us. Well, that has all changed. Today, my husband barely acknowledges me. Well, maybe that is taking it too far. But there’s never any sweet gestures anymore. Only when he wants to have sex is he even remotely sweet. He takes me for granted and sometimes he is just downright rude. Now, I will admit that I have noticed this more since my best friend divorced and began dating the love of her life. Her new boyfriend acts the way that my husband used to. And just seeing this makes me realize that my husband puts no effort into our marriage. So I finally told him about this and said that I feel like he’s not even a little bit sweet to me anymore. His response to me? ‘You’re just saying this because you have an unrealistic view of an adult relationship because of your friend. Wait until they’ve been together for ten years and then look at how they act. Plus, if you don’t like it, then leave me and find someone else who will treat you like that.’ I am stunned and sad. I never intended to leave my husband. And I do not want to now. I just wanted him to be sweet to me again. Now I feel like my marriage might be over because I was trying to make it better.”

See Your Husband’s Point Of View In Any Evaluation You Are Making About Your Marriage: I know it feels like your marriage might be over. But more likely, your husband is feeling defensive and his words reflect this. Try to see this from his point of view. He is likely watching you feel jealous every time you talk to your friend. And he likely feels that the comparison you are making between a long time marriage and a new relationship is unfair. (And he is correct that it’s probably fair to assume that if your friend is still together with the new guy in ten years (which is a big if) then their relationship would likely look much different than it does today.)

Know That You’re Not Wrong To Want To Be Happy, But Maybe You Can Find Happiness Again In Your Marriage: It is true that people tend to treat each other in a more familiar way when they’ve been together for a long time. However, you are not out of line for wanting to feel loved and appreciated. Everyone craves more touch and more affection.

Many people would think that you have two choices: To either just live with things as they are or take your husband’s directive and leave if the situation is truly unbearable.

But I think that there is another option. You can come at this in a different way. Clearly, your husband is defensive and sensitive about this. So talking about it in any way that he will see as criticism is probably not going to work very well. Instead, I have found that the better strategy is to inspire him to want to do better.

Strategies To Return Marital Happiness For Both Spouses: And you often have to do this in a way that he has no idea what you are doing –  so that he isn’t defensive or angry. I have come to believe (through my own trial and error and from dialoguing with other wives) that the most effective way to get a husband to willingly act in a new and better way is to demonstrate the behavior that you want and then praise it when it spontaneously happens.

One thing to try is to begin to show him the affection that you want. Spontaneously touch him. Show him sweet, loving gestures that do not lead to sex. Whenever he does the same, praise him. Show him that there is a pay off when he makes these small gestures.

If you are uncomfortable with the tactic above, you could try to bring his attention to positive memories. When he is most loving and receptive, you might try to bring back a positive memory and tell him that you miss the times when you were so focused on one another. This does sometimes work, but you have to be very careful because many husbands will realize what you are trying to do and will feel defensive.

I think that the strategy of demonstrating the behavior that you want is easier because he is less likely to feel manipulated that way. And he is getting a pay off at the same time, which makes the positive reinforcement seem more genuine.

But before you leave a marriage that may only need a little makeover, I’d suggest that you have nothing to lose by trying some variation on the above. The key is to find a way to get around his defensiveness so that he sees that you are not criticizing him. Once he feels that way, you are much less likely to see the behavior that you are looking for.

Before I learned the above lesson, I approached my husband in a way that made him defensive.  I backed off, but he clearly still felt some resentment, which I did not realize at the time. Things got so bad we separated.  We eventually reconciled, but this could have been avoided if I had handled things another way.  You can read more on my blog here.

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who contact me are dealing with a husband who appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. This can be true whether there is a separation or not. These wives watch as their husband emotionally distances himself from his marriage, his spouse, and his family. They watch as their husband rejects what was once dear to him. They watch as he not only isolates himself, but also sometimes lashes out – for some imagined offense that the wife never committed. At first, the wife might try to ignore these slights. But over time, it can become harder and harder to deny.

She may even ask her husband if she has done anything wrong.  And he may deny that she’s to blame at all. He may tell her that it isn’t her, that it is him. And yet, he continues to be emotionally cruel or even downright mean. She might explain: “I never would have described my husband as a mean or cruel person. In fact, his kindness was the very thing that attracted me to him. He has always gone out of his way to show me how much he values me. He has always been wonderfully sweet. But last year, things changed dramatically. It happened after his 50th birthday. My husband now questions everything. Things that used to make him content are no longer good enough for him anymore. Many of his friends are starting up their second marriages with younger wives. And I can’t help but notice that since all of this started, my husband is very critical of me. He will talk to me in a sarcastic tone. He never used to challenge my judgements or opinions before. But now, he will act as if I’m mistaken or just not very bright when he questions my ideals. It’s not teasing. In fact, there are times when it almost feels like an attack – as if he is criticizing or rejecting the values that we both used to share. I don’t understand this meanness. He denies that I have done anything wrong. I’ve asked him and I’ve searched my memory to determine if there is anything that I could have done. I keep coming up empty. I am at a loss. I think that I am a good wife who is mostly considerate and loving. So I don’t understand where this meanness is coming from.”

Understand Why He’s Struggling: I know that it’s almost impossible not to take this personally. But some of the time, a man going through a mid-life crisis will almost reject every part of his life – including his marriage, until he realizes that none of this is going to make things better. He will reject his old life and try on new roles, wanting desperately to feel at peace again. There are times when this is a frustrating process. He’s trying so hard to find his place in the world while in mid-life. It’s jarring to look around and to realize that you are much more than half way to mortality and that you only have so much time left.

Part of a mid-life crisis is desperately trying to determine how you want to spend the time that you have. There can be an almost frantic juggling, as you try on new roles and temporarily pause or discard old ones.  That’s no excuse, of course.  But it is the way that a man often feels.

Why You May Be Seeing The Mean Behavior:  This discarding of the old or comfortable may be why you are seeing him reman distant and act mean. He’s not yet sure where you fit into this new life. So he is emotionally distancing himself until he figures it all out. The meanness could very well be born out of frustration. He’s hoping to feel better, but he hasn’t gotten the relief that he has hoped for. There are times in the process where men feel like an old fool instead of a reborn person (like they had hoped.) This can mean that anyone in close proximity feels the brunt of this disappointment.

I’m not defending middle-aged men who are mean to their wives. But sometimes, it helps to remember that even though it may not look like it, this is usually a man who is struggling. This doesn’t excuse his treatment of you. And you would be well within your rights to say something or to excuse yourself the next time that it happens.

What To Watch For: What you want to be really observant about is to notice if his frustration turns to indifference. Believe it not, indifference is more dangerous to a marriage than anger or frustration, at least in my opinion. A man distancing himself from his marriage can eventually become indifferent. And this is when his emotions for and commitment to you can shut down.

I don’t mean to scare you. Many men eventually come to their senses and escape a mid life crisis just fine. For many, it is a temporary situation. But you want to watch for that indifference. Because the sooner you address it, the better it is for your preserving the health of your marriage.

I wish I had paid more attention when my husband began to emotionally distance himself and became critical.  I may have been able to delay or circumvent our separation, which was an awful time.  We did eventually reconcile.  But it was a long, painful process that I would never want to repeat. You can read more that story (which eventually had a happy ending) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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