Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you have a spouse who is pretty much telling you that he will not lift a finger to save your marriage, then the logical response is that you will do everything on your own. Most of us would give anything to have a cooperative spouse who was going to work with us, but since we don’t, what choice do we have but to attempt to try new things and make some changes on our own? We know that this isn’t ideal. But we’ve tried everything in our power to make him see things our way and it has failed. So, we figure, we have to make the best of it and focus on what is within our control – ourselves.

Sometimes though, even this strategy is put into jeopardy. Sometimes we tell our husband what we are doing or he gets wind of our efforts and he announces that we are wasting our time because he’s not going to be receptive. This makes us wonder why he cares so much. If we aren’t asking him to do any of the work or to make any of the effort, what is it to him?

I might hear a comment like: “I knew early on that if my marriage was going to be saved, I was going to have to do it all on my own. This wasn’t my first choice. I would have loved for my husband to agree to go to counseling. I was willing to look at my behavior and my attitude, but he was not. This wasn’t a great situation. I knew that. But I was willing to take the whole thing onto my own shoulders, go to counseling on my own, and implement any changes suggested.  However, when my husband got wind of this, he told me not to pursue this. He said that I am wasting my time. He insisted that our marriage is just a shell of what it was and isn’t going to change. I disagree. I think I can change it. But I believe he is looking at the past and will not open his mind. I did promise to make some changes a few years ago and I didn’t. So I think that now my husband doubts me. I am sincere this time and I have researched and educated myself on the best way to go about this. I have already invested a lot of time and effort, but he is shutting me down nonetheless. I don’t understand why he cares what I do. It doesn’t affect him either way. I am the one doing all of the work. I am asking nothing of him, but just to let me prove some things to him and see how much I have changed at the end of the process. Why won’t he even let me try?”

I can’t possibly know what your husband might be thinking, but I can speculate based on some of the husbands who I hear from (and from some of the comments that I hear over and over.)

It seems to me that many husbands who resist a wife’s solo attempts to save a marriage are resistant mostly because they don’t actually believe that anything is going to change and also because they highly doubt that this process is not going to require anything of them. They figure that somewhere along the way, you are going to ask them to change and that makes them uncomfortable. Also, many just can not envision a healthy and different marriage at this point in the process, so they believe that the effort is just a waste of time.

Having gone through something similar, I was faced with a couple of different choices. I could listen to my husband, accept his opinion, and shut my attempts to save my marriage down. Or I could go off on my own, doing what I had intended in the first place and being careful not to make too much noise about this, knowing that if I did, my husband was going to discourage me, if not outright try to thwart my efforts.

I can’t make the decision for anyone else. But I ultimately did decide to go on my own. I felt that this was the only logical choice for me as I just was not yet ready to give up on my marriage. And I told myself that even if it didn’t work, it was OK to make that investment in myself. I told myself that even if my marriage ultimately did not work out, it is never a bad idea to improve and work on yourself.

At that time, I had no idea if it would work. But I did decide not to announce every effort to my husband. He knew I was in counseling and I believe that very slowly, he began to see some changes in me. But I didn’t blatantly bring this to his attention. I knew that if I told him about the changes, he was going to immediately assume it was all fake. Instead, I let him see for himself. I believe that this was key because it showed him that I was completely being genuine.  I was implementing changes as much for myself as I was for him.

I think that ultimately, my husband didn’t join me in my efforts to save my marriage (and didn’t encourage me to do it on my own) because he truly felt it would be a waste all of the way around. However, in my mind, it was not going to be his waste. It was going to be mine. I was the one who put in the time and the effort. And I didn’t ask for his help or his permission. What I do with my life is my own business because I am the one living it. Yes, in the end, the future of our marriage was going to be a joint choice.  But working on myself was no one’s choice but mine.

Where to go from here is going to be an individual decision that only you can make. I think that it is important to make the distinction that this is truly for you. Sure, when we improve and change ourselves, the hope is always that he will see this and then join us on our quest to save our marriage. But there are no guarantees. He may or may not come around. But in the end, you have to be doing this for you. And if you make improvements for the better, then it can only benefit you – even if you have to wait and see if it is going to benefit your marriage also.

When I set out to work on myself, I had no idea if my husband would notice or care.  It took him a while to even turn his attention my way.  But I firmly believe that my self work was the first step toward a reconciliation.  It didn’t look like a “marriage saving effort” at the time.  But that is what it turned out to be.  You can read the rest of the store on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel like something is missing in their lives. And many of them feel like this “missing feeling” stems directly from their spouse or from their marriage. Still though, many of these folks are very insistent that they still love their spouse very much. Despite this though, they just can’t deny that they are obviously unhappy.

It might be explained this way: “I want to be clear that I still love my husband. That is not in question at all. He is a good man. He is funny and attractive. He is a very good spouse and is patient, kind, and understanding. I can’t really find any fault with him, nor would I ever try. He is also a very good father. I would never want to deprive my son of having my husband in his life. However, I can not deny that I am just not happy. When I met my husband, I was a very creative person. I spent a lot of time by myself and I used to go to open mike night and read my poetry. I spent a lot of time reading and studying other writers. My husband is just the opposite. The only thing that he reads is the newspaper. He doesn’t discourage my creativity. Not at all. But I feel like I lose a little bit of myself just being married to him. And I am not sure where this leaves me. I feel like I deserve happiness in my life. I feel like I owe it to myself to ensure that I am as happy as I can possibly be during the little bit of time that I have on this earth. But at the same time, I do love this man.”

I hear some variation on this on a very regular basis. And I am not unsympathetic. I agree that everyone deserves to pursue their own happiness. And I agree that while my husband and I were separated, I began to question if being married to him was the best way for me to claim my own happiness.

Eye-Opening Data: But when researching this topic in my own case, I learned something very important and frankly, life-changing. It is extremely common for people to get a divorce and be every bit as unhappy as they were with their spouse. And the reason for this is that often, your unhappiness isn’t directly caused by your spouse, even when you were sure that it was. So, you remove your spouse (and your marriage) from the equation thinking that very quickly, you will feel relief and you will be free to pursue your own happiness.

But many people don’t find this to be a reality because they haven’t fully addressed the many and multiple things that cause us unhappiness.  They didn’t address what was missing inside of themselves, so removing their spouse leaves them with their same level of unhappiness minus one important (and now missing) person.

Giving Yourself Permission To Pursue Your Own Happiness: Here is something else that I learned. You absolutely have to make yourself responsible for your own happiness for many reasons. First of all, no one else can read your mind or experience your feelings. No one else knows what lights you up and what shuts you down.

And no one else can walk the path of happiness but you. Of course, this is different if you have a spouse who does things to hurt you. That would cause unhappiness. But it’s not often the case and it wasn’t the case here. This wife herself admitted that her husband was a decent spouse. I had a wonderful spouse, also. And when I took him out of the equation of my unhappiness and took responsibility for myself, my entire outlook changed. And the pressure significantly decreased in my marriage. And my husband felt tremendous relief.

So, what does this pursuit of individual happiness look like? Well, for this wife, it would likely look like returning to open mike night and writing poetry. Many writers are able to remain happily married while keeping their identity as a creative person. Sometimes, in our own minds, we believe that our spouse is holding us back when in fact, it is us not taking the initiative. We feel bad about this, so we go to the most likely target. Our spouse. And we project the blame onto them even when it is not fair for us to do so.

Training Yourself To Identify Sabatageurs That Have Nothing To Do With Your Spouse: I have trained myself to take a very regular inventory of my own happiness. I also notice my own reactions to habits and events that I partake in every day. If I find myself tense up during an activity, I do less of that activity without apology. If I find myself engaged and relaxed while doing something, then I absolutely make time for that thing in my life. This simple thing has transformed my happiness level.

And I would be willing to bet that this wife felt that same engagement when being creative. That meant she needed to make time for it. This is not selfish.  Since even she admitted she had a wonderful and supportive husband, I’d be willing to bet that he would help her to make this creativity happen. One thing that many of us forget is that a loving spouse wants us to be happy. And when we speak up and tell our spouse that we’re going to be making some life changes to increase our happiness level, they will often do whatever they need to do to help us. Why? Because they love us. And because happier spouses make for better marriages, which makes everyone happier.

Honestly, it was never my husband that was impeding my own happiness.  It was myself.  And this lead to depression which was one of the reasons that we separated.  Once we reconciled, I learned to take personal responsibility to create the life that I want.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband starts talking about a divorce, it can be hard to take him seriously – especially at first. Often, we want to believe that his unhappiness or discontent is not that serious or is just a passing thing. Then, we want to believe that although he may be gravely unhappy, we do have the ability to fix our marriage so that everyone is eventually happy again.

But as time goes by, we begin to fear that perhaps he is really serious about this. And yet, it can still be very hard to believe this immediate reality. This man has his emotional and financial future tied to yours. You may have children together. So, could he really be serious about throwing that all away?

This can become even more complicated when something happens that might bring his sincerity or seriousness into question. Perhaps he slips and talks about the future with you in it. Or one of your mutual friends comments that he will never actually go through with a divorce. Perhaps he’s made threats about ending your marriage before in an attempt to scare you.

Someone might articulate this in this type of scenario: “my husband told me about five weeks ago that he wanted a divorce. I admit that I did not panic right then. He’s been talking about being unhappy for quite a while. So I thought that maybe he was dwelling on our issues again or just trying to get a rise out of me. But then a couple of days later, I saw an attorney’s card on the kitchen table. So he had obviously been to talk to someone to get legal advice. But weeks went by without me being served or anything. Recently, I ran into one of my husband’s co-workers and I mentioned the divorce thing to him. This guy knows my husband pretty well and he told me that he thinks that my husband is probably just trying to get my attention or scare me. I hope that this is the case. And as best as I can tell, he’s not yet filed any paperwork. So is it possible that he truly doesn’t want a divorce after all?”

Anything is possible.  Even men who are sure that they want a divorce sometimes change their minds. And husbands who initially say that they aren’t going anywhere (despite their unhappiness) eventually get fed up and pursue a divorce. Although there are certainly signs that you can look for that indicate a man wants a divorce, the only way to know for sure is when a divorce is final. I’ve seen people file who never finalized the divorce.  So anything is possible.

The More Resources Someone Puts Into A Divorce, The More Likely It Is To Happen: It’s my observation that, very generally speaking, the more time, effort, and money a man spends pursuing a divorce, the more likely it is to go through. That’s not to say that men who drag their feet don’t change their minds or men who pour tons of money into an attorney don’t eventually close their cases.

But, for the most part, a man who throws down his money and time is certainly pretty serious at the time. A man who makes threats but doesn’t act can seem not quite as serious, but I would caution you that even men who are trying to scare you or get your attention can certainly eventually pursue a divorce when their patience runs out or when they think that you are never going to make any changes.

I wish I could give you some definite “telltale signs” that a man definitely and really / truly wants a divorce. But people change their minds all of the time. Divorce is a huge step. People drag their feet or slow it down because many hope for some change in the meantime. But plenty of people with a slow pace end up divorced.

Any Mention Of A Divorce Is A Potentially Serious Sign: I want you to realize something very important. Any time a husband mentions the “D-word,” he is serious. At the very least, he is serious about getting your attention even if he is not completely sure that he wants a divorce. And sometimes, if he doesn’t get your attention or he doesn’t see any attempt at change, he will reluctantly and begrudgingly pursue a divorce.

People who truly don’t want a divorce do end up divorced all of the time because they don’t want to be unhappy or in conflict anymore and they don’t see any change on the horizon.

Controlling What You Can: I don’t mean to be a pessimist or to scare you. But I am trying to get your attention also. Because the one thing that you are able to control right now is that you do have the ability to show your husband an attempt at change.

It’s true that you can’t control what he thinks or what he does. But you can show him that you are paying attention and that you are willing to make some changes. I know that this doesn’t completely answer the question, but there’s no real way to know how serious he is until he files and continues to pursue the divorce without hesitation. Since this isn’t what you want, doesn’t it make sense to try to derail this if you can – regardless of how serious he is or isn’t right at this moment?

I say this because I ignored my husband’s unhappiness and sincerity – only to almost end up divorced.  It was through sheer will and effort that I was able to save my marriage – but not without a lot of heartache first.  If you can avoid this by paying attention and igniting change, it certainly makes sense to do so.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Typically, the people that I hear from the most are those who want to save their marriages. But sometimes, I do hear from those who are considering ending or walking away from their relationship. Many of them want to make sure that they end things in the right way or they want insight as to why they might be struggling with it in the way that they are.

Someone might say: “I am seriously considering leaving my husband for someone else. No, I’m not having an affair. Nothing inappropriate has happened. It’s just that I have been able to reconnect with my high school boyfriend. And I have known for all my life that he was my soul mate. I thought that I would never see him again. We were together for over three years. We survived being in different colleges and being young and in love. We broke up over something stupid and I have longed for him ever since. He ended up marrying the girl that he started seeing after me. But because I knew that we could never be together, I picked up my life and I eventually ended up with my husband. I can not stress enough that my husband has been a good man. He has been a wonderful husband. We have had some happy times. He will be devastated. But I do not think that I could be fully aware that I might have a chance with my first love and not take it. He’s going through a divorce now and he says he realizes his mistake at not fighting for me all those years ago and that he has thought about me as much as I’m thinking about him. I’m happy to have this chance, but worrying about my husband takes away my happiness. I feel awful about this, but I can’t turn away from my chance with my soulmate. Why do I feel so badly?”

I think that there are many potential reasons for your feelings here. And because the question was asked, I will list them. I admit that my inclination is always to save a marriage and to honor that commitment. So I am admittedly biased and I’m upfront about that.  But I still hope you’ll have an open mind.

Your Husband Is Admittedly Innocent: I think that one reason you feel so badly is because, quite honestly, your husband did nothing wrong. In fact, it appears that everything was fine before you connected with the ex. You admit that your husband is a good man and that you were happy. And so you know that you are throwing all of that away – a solid marriage with a husband you admit was a good one who did nothing wrong – all on the slight chance that you will make it with this new relationship when you could not make it before. (And when the ex is in a delicate emotional position, as he’s going through a divorce.) Yes, I know that you were young. But honestly, this says something also, which leads me to my next point.

Your Relationship Would Not The Same One That Existed Years Ago: People change. It could be a mistake to think that having a relationship with this grown man is going to be like having a relationship with the boy that you knew. You can look up the statistics about this, but I can tell you that they’re not all that promising. Because often, people who pick up with their “first love” are actually chasing the idea of the first love. They are chasing that feeling of being young and carefree just as much as they are chasing the person. And what happens if that person has significantly changed as most of us do when we become adults? The truth is, you have to ask yourself if you’ve been around this other man enough to really evaluate your chances. Since nothing inappropriate has happened and it’s pretty much been a facebook relationship, I’d say that the answer is probably that you haven’t.

Leaving Your Marriage Without A Fair Chance: Another big issue that I suspect that you are facing is that you might know that you haven’t earned your way out of your current relationship. By earning your way out, I mean that often, in order to walk away from your marriage with a clear conscience so that you can go into any new relationship in a healthy way, you need to know that you have done everything in your power to save that marriage or you need to know that the marriage is so unhealthy and toxic that it is not worth saving. Neither is the case here, which is probably why you are experiencing guilt and remorse already.

I can not tell you that you would not be happy with the other man. The statistics and the circumstances are stacked against you, but there is always that stray couple who makes it. However, before you pursue this, I’d highly recommend giving yourself the time and space to work on your marriage first. You made a commitment to an admittedly good man. And you likely know in your heart that just walking away from that man before you even give himself a chance to fight for his marriage is not the right thing to do. If the other guy is really your soul mate, he will understand.

See? I told you that I was biased.  But nearly losing my husband made me see just how precious marriage truly is.  Of course I had a high school boyfriend. Of course I still think of him from time to time.  But that wasn’t real life.  What I have today is.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When your husband tells you that he is leaving and moving out for a while, there is a real tendency to assume that because of this, your relationship is going to deteriorate.  We worry that things will be awkward or chilly between us.  We worry that we will fight more and connect less.

This doesn’t always happen, though.  Some couples find that they actually get along much better during the separation.  Some get along so well that they attempt to reconcile – assuming that they will continue to mesh seamlessly once they move back in together.  But the magic isn’t always there when you live together again.  And it can be hard to figure out why.

Someone might ask: “why is it that my husband and I actually get along and seem to like one another much better when we are not living together?  My husband was the one who decided that he wanted to move out.  Honestly, I fought him very hard on this.  My parents are divorced and ‘living apart for a while’ is totally how their divorce started.  My dad said that he was only going to move out for a little while and then come back.  Of course, he never came back.  My parents divorced a short while later.  So I panicked when my husband wanted to leave.  I assumed it would mean a sure divorce.  I was absolutely shocked when he was actually more affectionate and loving toward me while we were separated.  He was absolutely open to getting together regularly and when we did, it was almost like we were dating again.  We enjoyed each other’s company.  We laughed like we hadn’t in years.  So of course after a little while, I pushed for him to move back in.  And it was a disaster.  It was like turning back the clock and revisiting our fights.  So eventually he moved out again and the transformation took place all over again. We get along wonderfully only when we are not living together.  But when we attempt to move back in, it all falls apart once again.  Why?”

I can only give you what are essentially opinions and theories.  And this only comes from me hearing from other people who have gone through this and seeing reoccurring themes.  My husband and I actually struggled to get a long during our separation – especially in the beginning.  But I think that some couples find improvement for a couple of reasons.

A Separation Is Often The First Real Pause That You’ve Had: Sometimes, people are on their best behavior during a separation because they don’t want to lose their spouse and they want for the separation to go well.  Also, there is often less tension as both people are no longer living under the stressful situation that caused the separation to begin with.

But Things Don’t Always Change: Because of this pause in the tension, it’s easier to get along and to connect without the weight of living together with issues that cause stress.  And while it is wonderful that there is an improvement after moving out, this improvement sometimes leads people to think that they don’t need to address or change anything.  They are having such a good time that they reason that if they were to move back in now, the good times would continue on.

Of course, they soon realize that nothing has really changed.  Once they move back in together, they follow along the same life, the same marriage, the same script, the same course of conflict, and the same lack of resolution.

It’s no wonder that it’s the same as it ever was.  When you were no longer living together, you were no longer facing the conflict regularly.  And of course, if you put people under the same roof, there is no avoiding the conflict.  And it’s not always easy to live with another person.  Anyone who has ever had a room mate of any kind can tell you that.

None of this means that you can’t fix this.  (Incidentally, there are some couples who live apart full time and who are very happy with this arrangement.  There are marriages that thrive this way.  But it only works if both people want it.)

Things That You May Want To Try: There are a couple of things that you may want to attempt before you begin to believe that you and your husband will never successfully live together.  Wait for a longer period of time before you attempt to move back in together.  Identify the triggers that make living together difficult and work tirelessly to address and then fix them.  Sometimes, you can’t fix this yourself, which is where counseling comes in if you need it.  This is your marriage we are talking about, which means it is worth it to give yourself permission to do whatever is necessary to save it.

Once you believe that you have worked through your issues, don’t move back in suddenly or out of the blue.  Start with just a few days at a time or the weekends.  When you have success with that, lengthen the time your spouse stays until it feels like you’re living together again and you have the confidence that it is truly going to work this time.

If you’re doing this gradual method and conflict comes up, don’t get discouraged.  Be glad you saw these roadblocks and now have the opportunity to fix them before he moves back in full time.  Each time something comes up, fix it, until there are long periods of time staying together where you are successful.

Do this for long enough and the process becomes easier and more seamless – so that when he does move back in, you can both be confident that it is going to truly work in the long term.

I admit that my husband and I waited for what many considered a long time before he moved back in.  I was freakishly superstitious about ruining everything.  And my pace was probably too slow for some.  But I don’t regret it at all.  Because we are still married and have never looked back.  You can read more of this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When separated husbands make casual or flippant remarks that hurt, they usually have no idea how much it is going to affect us. They have no idea how much we examine their words in order to tell us what they are thinking and feeling and what their intentions may be moving forward. I know how this works because I used to commit every word my separated husband said to memory and then go home and analyze everything, hoping that there were some clues as to what tomorrow would bring.

Looking back, I understand why I did this, but I think that the whole process did me a huge disservice. At times, I would come home happy and I would think that my husband’s words meant that we’d be getting back together soon. Other times, I would come home sure that this time period was the start of an imminent divorce. I wasn’t right on any of these occasions. Things unfolded very differently than I assumed. But of course, at the time, I was sure that his words were direct clues into the future.

And I know that I’m not alone. I get plenty of correspondence from upset or elated wives who want to recount their last conversation with their separated husband to see if I will agree with their assessment that a conversation went “well” or “not so well.” I wish I could give a definitive agreement or disagreement. But I can’t. The thing is, one conversation and just a few words isn’t a great way to see into the future. If I learned anything from my own separation and from watching others go through this, it’s that you can’t rely too much on what happens during one day or during a short period of time. And sometimes, we tend to read an awful lot into a husband’s remarks when ultimately, he may have just been having a bad day. And other times, he may have intended his words to caution or dissuade us, but, in the end, the outcome is different than either spouse would have thought.

Here’s an example of the negative conversations I’m talking about. A wife might say: “my separation has been tough. My husband wants to just wait and see what happens. All along, he’s been saying that if we are meant to be together, then we will be eventually. He doesn’t seem worried about it nearly as much as I am. He seems to completely trust that if our marriage is ‘right,’ then we will end up together. The thing is, I can never sort out the things he says to me and how I should take them. The other day, he told me that he could tell that I was working on myself and that it was obvious I was making progress. He said that I seemed happier and more settled and that he was glad to see this. Of course, I could not stop myself and I blurted out the question of: ‘does this mean that you see us back together when I’m finished working on myself?’ My husband’s response made me so sad. He said: ‘it’s impossible to predict the future. I can’t and won’t even try. If we’re meant to be, then somehow it will work out. In the meantime, if you found someone who would love you and care for you, then you should not wait around on me.’ I was shocked and devastated. It seems that on the one hand, he’s telling me that he likes the changes I’ve made to myself. But on the other hand, he’s telling me that the changes are going to end up benefitting someone else. Because he is not at the point where he wants me back. Now I’m wondering if I should just stop the work on myself and accept that he doesn’t want me anymore and that my marriage is over.”

Understand That If You See The Bad In The Conversation, You Should Also See The Good: I can understand why this makes you upset, but I think that it’s important not to panic and to read so much into this that it changes the course that may have been benefitting you. I always hesitate to attempt to read anything into conversations, because I know first hand that things can change very quickly during separations. But I think that if you are going to take what you perceive as bad from that conversation (that you believe that he suggested that you be open to a new relationship) then you also have to take what is good (that he sees positive changes and is open to reconciling if he believes that you ultimately belong together.) Many husbands take this same outlook – that if it is meant to be then it will be.

Learning To Let The Future Unfold Without Clinging: I know that this can seem maddening when just want to know what the future holds. But I can tell you that there was a time when I got so frustrated with my own husband when I was separated that I figured if that “wait and see” attitude was good enough for him, then it was also good enough for me. I decided that he was right – that holding on so tightly wasn’t benefitting me and that yes, things that are meant to be have a way of working out, so there was no sense in me getting so very upset.

Does this mean that I just decided to let fate take over and I no longer worked on my marriage or cared? No. I was always committed to doing everything that I could. But I also realized that it wasn’t completely up to me. All I could do was to set it up so that we had the very best chance, and then I had to realize that this was all that I could do. The rest was quite literally out of my hands.

I know that you might think that this attitude was depressing, but ultimately, it was a little freeing. I was always clear that I still wanted my marriage and would not act in a way that was counter to this. I never wanted to date someone else. I knew that even if my marriage did not work out, I wasn’t yet ready for this. And I know that not every one will go that route. Some get tired of waiting. That’s a decision that everyone has to make for themselves.

But I did make the decision that I was no longer going to over analyze everything. I was no longer going to believe that one little mistake or triumph on my part dictated my future. I had started to realize that a divorce or a reconciliation was going to come from many events working in tandem that I could not necessarily control all of the time. (This turned out to be true.)

I can’t tell anyone which strategy to take (or not to take) because I can not predict the future and I can’t possibly know the thoughts and the feelings of those involved. I can tell you though that sometimes, you and your husband may say or do things that turn out not to matter all that much in the future. And I can tell you that sometimes things look great, but then you end up regressing. Or sometimes things look really bad, and you end up making progress anyway.

That’s why, for me, I ended up being better off when I was able to step away and not read so much into what happened every single day. Seeing the ultimate outcome took time. Things were not static. They changed all of the time.

That’s why I’d suggest continuing to work on yourself. It will ultimately make you more settled and you will know that you’re doing something to improve things. Beyond that, you just can’t control what your husband thinks. But his thinking may change. That’s why I don’t think you have to completely give up or to change course based on one conversation.

There were times when my husband said things that made me think he didn’t want our marriage once the separation was over.  I would spend days or weeks feeling awful.  And then we would have good periods where things would look up.  I eventually learned that you can’t predict the future based on just a few things. This was saved me a lot of grief from future overanalyzing.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When we marry our spouse, we vow to stand by them if they are sick or poor.  And I would say that the vast majority of the time, we mean it with all of our hearts.  Admittedly, many people marry when they are young and healthy, so most of us have trouble envisioning a time where we might be old, poor, or sick.

But when something unfortunate happens and one spouse becomes the caregiver or supporter of another, it can cause problems in your marriage even when, on the surface, everyone is doing everything right.  Even when one spouse steps up to the plate to provide their love and support, the spouse who needs that same support may become resistant, resentful, or full of sorrow.  And because of this, the spouse needing the help may pull away, believing that their spouse is better off without the responsibility of two people.

Someone might describe a situation like this one: “about eight months ago, my husband was diagnosed with a chronic disease.  Because of this, I have to administer some of his medical care and I also have to step up financially because he’s had to cut back his work hours.  This is stressful for my husband.  He says that it makes him feel like less of a man and it makes him feel guilty.  Sometimes, when I am caring for him, he can’t look me in the eye.  He says he feels ashamed, as if he has done something wrong. I have repeatedly told him that there is no shame in getting sick.  I told him that he can’t help it and that I know that if the roles were reversed, he would step up for me.  I know that without any doubt.  And I truly don’t have a problem being there for him.  In fact, I’m glad that I can do this for him.  Yes, I know that it is going to cause stress.  But I look at it like this: with care, my husband’s condition is manageable.  Yes, we will take a financial hit. But we are still together.  We are still both here.  We have many other things to be grateful for.  My husband tries to see it this way, but he is still frustrated.  Last night, he shocked me when he said that he wants me to leave him to separate for a while because he doesn’t want to be a burden to me.  I told him that this was silly and that if I left, who would care for him?  He said that he would hire someone to do it and that he wouldn’t feel as guilty because the caregiver would be paid and I could go on with my life.  He says he loves me so much he doesn’t want to hold me back.  This makes me very sad.  I have no intention to leave him.  I don’t want that.  But he has withdrawn so much and now he’s constantly asking me just to think about it.  What if he pushes me away when he needs me the most?”

I will try my best to offer what insights I can.  I’m certainly no expert, but I have seen a family member and a very good friend go through similar situations.  And I am sorry that you are going through this.  I have seen marriages evolve in different ways because of this. I’ve seen one marriage become stronger and one marriage fall apart.

In the marriage with my family member, this process has deteriorated the marriage.  The caregiving spouse is more than willing to help, but the person receiving the care has become bitter and a bit mean.  The caregiver is sticking it out though, but it is difficult to watch. The family member refuses counseling and will not accept care from anyone else.  So the caregiver has no opportunity to lighten his load from time to time.  However, since I know both people very well (as they are family) I know that the caregiver would never abandon the other.  No matter how rough things gets, he does not waiver.  Sometimes, it almost seems as the person receiving the care is trying to drive the other away, but he stands firm.  It is frustrating for me to watch this because there is no denying that this is a difficult situation.  But I wish that they’d consider counseling.  I suspect that a few adjustments could make things much better for both of them.

However, in the case of my friends’ marriage, it brought them closer together.  Their marriage is the envy of those who know them.  The person receiving the care does his best to remain upbeat and he constantly tells his wife that he doesn’t know what he would do without her.  From time to time, he insists that she go out with her friends in order to get a break and she does.  However, there was a time when he felt sorry for himself and he told his wife that he would understand if she decided that this isn’t what she signed up for and wanted to leave.  She lovingly told him that this was nonsense and to never mention it again, and he hasn’t.

So I think that, with the right adjustments and mindsets, this situation can work and it can actually enhance your marriage.  But both people have to be willing to work together to make that happen.

Many people do try to push their caregivers away in the beginning as sort of a test.  They feel terribly guilty about being a burden and so they tell the caregiver to leave, but they are desperately hoping that the caregiver refuses.  They are hoping that you will reassure them that you will not abandon them and that you do not see their care as a burden.  I think it’s very important to clear this up right away.

You might try something like: “honey, I appreciate that your concern is with me right now.  When you have all of this to deal with, you’re thinking not of your own well being, but of mine.  But I really can not say this clearly enough.  I am not going anywhere.  Because there is no where I want to be but with you.  Sure, the days ahead may require a little more of both of us.  But so what?  All marriages deal with hardship and if this is ours, then I’m more than willing to deal with it.  We are together.  We are alive.  And we will make the best of it.  Please don’t continue to suggest that I leave.  I have no intention of doing so.  I am here because I want to be here. And because I love you and want to be with you.”

Hopefully, this answer will mean you’ve passed your husband’s test.  He very well may be just looking for reassurance and he wants to see that you will not take the easy out.  I strongly encourage you to make sure that you are also taking care of yourself and building up your own support system.  Because this seems to be vital for the couple I know who are going through a similar situation.

I can tell you first hand that separations are often difficult and painful.  So you want to avoid this if you can.   I know because I had to work tirelessly to save my own marriage through a separation. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who assume that when things get so bad that one of them has to move out, then there’s no real choice except to get a divorce. Many just do not believe that once someone walks outside of the marital home to live on their own, that things can ever be repaired again.

A wife might say: “for the last three months, my husband and I have been fighting constantly. He has allowed his deadbeat, ex-con brother back into our lives. My husband now suddenly believes in second chances. I have drawn the line at having him live with us, but my husband sees him, gives him money, and emotionally supports him. My husband says that his brother has changed and that his crime was over twenty years ago.  He says that his brother has more than paid for his mistakes and that I don’t have any right to keep him from connecting with his family. I see his point, somewhat. But I am worried about what bringing the brother back into our lives is going to mean. I worry that my husband will become invested in him and get hurt. Anyway, this has been the biggest source of our fights, but if I am being honest, I have to admit that we were fighting long before the brother came back into town.  The situation with his brother just intensified our arguments. Last night, it all came to a head and my husband left. This morning, he sent me a text saying that he wasn’t coming back immediately and has decided to just move out for a while. This infuriates me. And I’m starting to think that maybe I should go ahead and file for divorce so that I am the first one to it. Should I divorce him since he’s moved out?”

Honestly, this is a decision that only you can make. But if you are considering a divorce because you are assuming that you can’t possibly save your marriage after one spouse moves out, that’s not always correct. Many people do reconcile even after one of them moves out and even if this process takes a little while, time wise.

I guess one central question that is not clear here is whether or not you are still invested in your marriage. Clearly, there is some anger about your husband’s brother. And you may feel that your husband’s actions might indicate that, at least for right now, he is prioritizing his relationship with his brother over his relationship with you.

But, if you at least try to see things from his point of view, this is his family. It is understandable that he would want to support his brother. Enough time has passed that he may believe that his brother has changed. This may or may not turn out to be true. But asking someone to turn their back on their nuclear family is asking a lot.  Yes, he may get hurt.  And I understand why you are concerned.  But, I believe that if you keep him from his brother, he will always blame you for this and he will romanticize a relationship with his brother that was thwarted.  But if you don’t oppose him and it goes badly, you will be there to pick up the pieces.  He will know that you were right, but he won’t resent you.

I can’t tell you if there is any legal advantage to filing for a divorce first. But I think that it might be a mistake to just assume that there is going to be a divorce. By doing so, you may not even be giving your marriage a chance when it may have had one otherwise.

My suggestion would be to give this a couple of days. Allow yourself to calm down some and reflect on what you really want. Ask yourself if there might be something left of your marriage if you were able to compromise, get counseling, learn more effective conflict negotiation, or any combination of these things.

I admit that I am biased here. My parents divorced in my early teenage years and it was very painful for every one involved. I went through a separation in my own marriage which was equally painful so it is always my inclination to try to save marriages before you just give up on them.

Sure, not every marriage can be saved. But many can. And many of the couples with saved marriages will tell you how upsetting it is to look back and see how close they came to walking away from what, and who, was truly important to them. I am not saying that this will turn out to be the case with you. I can’t predict this. I am just saying that I think it could be a mistake to decide to divorce your spouse over one event before you take the time to reflect what you truly want with a calm heart.

If after you try different things to save the marriage and are still unhappy, then at least you will be able to walk away with a clear conscience. And if it does work and you are able to improve and save your marriage, you might be very glad that you didn’t just immediately walk away.

As I alluded to, my own separation was very painful.  I can only imagine how painful a divorce would have been.  I have never regretted saving my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There is no worse feeling than knowing your marriage might be over when this is the very last thing that you want.  Unfortunately, saving or maintaining a marriage is often a decision that has to ultimately and eventually be jointly made.  After all, you can want to remain married more than anything in the world, but if your spouse doesn’t agree, he can pursue a separation or a divorce without this being what you want.

This can leave you with a horrible feeling of being helpless or of just being a reluctant witness.  You’d give anything to change what is happening.  But unless you can reach your husband, then you fear that nothing is really going to change.

A wife might say: “the most important thing to know about me is that I do not want to end my marriage.  It’s awful for me to even think about this.  But I have been separated for over six months and I don’t see any improvement at all.  My husband hasn’t made a decision about our marriage yet.  But since I never get any positive signs or signals from him, I guess I have to use common sense and realize that my marriage is probably ending.  I’m a pretty practical person.  I know that it makes sense to accept the facts as they are.  But I just can’t wrap my head around this and I can’t even begin to accept it. I will look in the mirror and try to say the words ‘my marriage is over’  and I can’t even get the whole phrase out of my mouth.  If I had my way, it wouldn’t be over.  But I can’t seem to control what my husband thinks and feels.  And that is so frustrating.  I want to make peace with this, but I just can’t.  It doesn’t help that he sends mixed signals.”

I know exactly what you are saying.  I felt the same way.  I was not prepared to admit that my marriage was over.  In my mind, it wasn’t going to be over until I saw final divorce papers. And for a long time, I just seemed to ignore reality because of this.  Actually, I ran away from reality at one point.  Because I just could not stand to see what was happening.  This wasn’t a master plan.  It was just the only way that I could cope at the time.

It Is Hard To Let Go Because Things Can Change: I didn’t expect for my little break to change things, but it did.  The point that I am trying to make is that you never know what is going to happen.  That’s why I think that it’s sometimes hard to give up – you hope that things can change.  And honestly, sometimes they do.  Unbelievably, my husband showed a little interest after this.  But I doubted it.  Because of my fear.  I didn’t want to get my hopes for fear that it would only hurt more when it was actually over.

Understanding That You Don’t Have To Make Assumptions.  You Can Wait And See:   Eventually I got sick of my fear and I realized something.  And I honestly think that this realization changed many things for me.  I realized that until I was actually divorced, I really shouldn’t make assumptions.  Until my marriage had been legally dissolved, I wasn’t ready to say it was over.  Heck, I’d even read about couples who divorced and eventually remarried.  I knew that this was my being stubborn – which might frustrate people or make me look silly.  But ultimately, I didn’t care.  It was my marriage I was talking about.

And I realized that it was up to me as to whether or not I was ready to allow myself to think it was over.  I realized that this was under my control.  It was up to me.  And I just wasn’t ready. So I didn’t call it over in my own head.

I told myself that I could accept that things weren’t going well, but I wasn’t going to influence any outcome by my own dark thoughts and fears.  So I told myself that I would take things day by day and try to handle each and every day with grace and a good attitude.  This actually did change the way that I approached things and my husband noticed a difference.

This small shift did dramatically improve our situation, but even when things were going well, I knew that at any moment, my husband could tell me that he was moving forward toward ending things for good.  When I had these feelings, I pushed them away and I continued to just focus on our next meeting or conversation.  I tried hard not to get ahead of myself and to just focus on those things that I could control  – the next conversation, the next face to face meeting, and myself.

You Have Absolute Control Over Yourself: This is huge.  It is so important to understand that you DO have control of yourself.  You can control your actions.  You can control how you react to your feelings.  You can control how you react to what he does or says.   This does sometimes makes a difference.  And it keeps you from feeling like a victim.  Or a  witness.  It allows you to take back at least some control.

No, you can not ultimately control his decisions or whether he will decide that your marriage is over.  But until that time, and until you are legally not married anymore, you can control what you do and how you react.  You can control what you are doing to make yourself stronger and care for yourself.  And you can control the circumstances that surround your communications with him right now.  These things may or may not have any influence on the ultimate outcome.

But controlling what you can will give you a sense of peace and make you feel better.  And sometimes, that small shift makes a difference. I understand that it can be hard to just wait and see.   I understand how hard it is to focus on yourself when you have nothing else that gives you a sense of control.  But sometimes this shift is beneficial. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear wives recount mean, nasty, and negative things that their husbands have said.  Examples are things like: “you are so selfish,”  Or “none of my friends’ wives make the demands that you do,”  Or “it’s sad that I don’t even look forward to coming home after work because I know that you are going to be there to start nagging.”

Needless to say, these comments are very hurtful.  Many wives do not understand why their husbands would say these things other than the fact that he’s a potentially insensitive, mean, and hateful person.  It would be very easy to just make this assumption and to believe that you have to either live with it, leave him, or try to ignore him.  But I believe that if you do this, you truly are selling yourself short.  You both deserve more than that.  And I believe that if you can understand why your husband keeps making these comments, you can potentially stop them.  And that would make everyone happier.

Understand Where The Nasty Comments Are Coming From. Determine What He’s Actually Trying To Accomplish. (Hint. He Wants Change.): There is an assumption that husbands who say hateful things do this because they enjoy it.  I don’t think that this is always true.  I think that they do it because they are trying to initiate change or they are acting on their own frustrations.  Think about it for a second. We’ve all lashed out at someone who we love deeply – our kids, our parents, our siblings, and even our pets.  When you mistakenly did this, did you feel better in the long term? Sure, releasing your emotions might have felt good for just a little while.  But in the long term, I’m willing to bet that you felt guilty, horrible, regretful, and ashamed.  People who lash out and say nasty things do not generally enjoy it.

We lash out because we are overcome with emotion in that single moment and we want to feel better. And sometimes we lash out because we’re trying to initiate change.  When we yell at our kids about being the only one who cares enough to pick up after ourselves, what we’re really saying is that we wish our child would clean up after themselves once in a while because it’s tiring to be the only person in the household who cleans and it makes us feel diminished and taken advantage of.  What is your husband saying with his words? You’ve recounted phrases about nagging and demands.  Is it possible your spouse is feeling pressure from somewhere, even if it is not at home? Is it possible that what he’s really telling you is that he needs his home to be his safe haven right now?

Getting Started By Determining Which (If Any) Words Have Validity: I think that the first step in this process is being honest about whether or not what your husband is saying has any validity.  Because the answer to this question will help you to determine how to deal with it.

So when your husband says something that indicates he dreads coming home because of your nagging, you have to ask yourself if there is a shred of truth in this.  Obviously, none of us want to admit to nagging, but are you have the same arguments and conversations? If so, then his motivation is likely that he’s trying to initiate a change. Honestly, this is the easiest of all scenarios because theoretically, changing the tone of your interactions would benefit both of you and would theoretically stop the nasty comments.

As another example, if he says something like: “I don’t know why we ever got married,” that’s a statement that can be very easy to ignore because it makes you so angry.  But, it could be his passive-aggressive way of telling you that there is something about your marriage that is making him (and probably you) unhappy.

Admittedly, not every issue is going to be an easy fix.  But it’s important that you try to fix it. Because if you don’t, then you’re both going to continue to be frustrated. He’ll continue to say critical things because he feels like you’re not listening since there is no change.  And you’ll continue to be hurt and angry.  It is a vicious cycle to which there is no end – unless and until you address the core issue.

Learning Not To Engage When His Message Truly Doesn’t Have Anything To Do With You. Without A Pay Off, He May Stop: The other type of scenario is one where he is just blowing off steam at your expense. If he says something like: “you are so selfish” and your friends tell you that you are the most selfless and giving person they know, then it’s more likely he’s trying to get a reaction out of you for whatever reason.  Perhaps he had a bad day at work. Or maybe he’s angry about something else and this “selfish” insult is the first thing that popped into his head.  Maybe he knows that he is the selfish one and he is projecting. Sometimes, we take out our frustrations on the person available at the time, as unfair as this is.

The way to respond to this without feeding the fire is to realize that you are by no means selfish and to LET IT GO.  I know that you may be scratching your head at this, but when someone is just saying mean things with no validity out of frustration, they are looking to engage.  They are looking to pick a fight.  They are trying to blow off steam but they need a partner to do so. Don’t make things worse by playing into this.  Just mutter something like: “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and then turn away and do something else.  Much of the time, this will take the wind right out of their sails.  And they will eventually learn that there is no point in trying to get you to engage because you do not give them the payoff. And they’ll take their nastiness somewhere else or learn more constructive ways to release their emotions.

I have come to believe that, much of the time, there is some sort of pattern to a husband who makes it a habit to make negative comments.  He’s often trying to get your attention because he wants some sort of change.  Should he act like a mature adult and just say what he means and stop talking in riddles?  Absolutely, he should.

But very few of us do this.  I know that it doesn’t always make sense.  But in the end, people who say hurtful things are trying to get a reaction out of you. Because in their mind, they may have tried other ways to get your attention and have failed.  So now they are going where they suspect you can’t help but pay attention.

It’s important to pay attention if there is validity to what they are saying.  I did not pay attention and I ended up separated.  And I believe it would have been easier to save my marriage if I had addressed the issues beforehand.  This didn’t happen though, so I had to play catch up.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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