Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes, a couple’s struggle in their marriage does not have much to do with the two individuals themselves.  The issue isn’t that they don’t love each other, aren’t connecting, or can’t get along.  The issue centers around the other people who live in the house – namely, the children.

This is an extremely difficult situation.  Because most of us have to admit that we love our children every bit as much as we love our spouse.  And since we can only control our own behaviors, we feel helpless when the behaviors of our children put a strain on our marriage.  Sometimes, this situation causes so much damage, that it puts the parents’ marriage at risk.

A wife might explain: “this is my second marriage.  When I met my husband, I already had a toddler.  And I quickly got pregnant with my second son.  My husband is the father of my second child, but not my first.  I have always felt that my husband favors his biological child.  But now we are having issues with both children.  Because our kids are so close in age, they have the same friends.  And these friends have been a very bad influence on both of them.  To be clear, the issues are with both kids.  But, of course, my husband focuses most on the child who is not his.  I am not going to pretend that things are perfect in our house.  I am very stressed out about dealing with the kids also.  I am very upset about this.  But my husband has to make things so much worse by telling me that he doesn’t think he can handle the ‘kid drama’ anymore and that he thinks that he wants a separation or a divorce.  He says he is tired of coming home to chaos every day.  He says that I don’t do enough to get the kids under control.  I feel so upset by this.  I feel abandoned.  This is already a tough situation and now he acts as if it is all my responsibility.  I don’t want for my kids to be in trouble.  And I certainly do not want a divorce.”

Focusing On Helping The Kids May In Turn Help Your Marriage: As I said, this one is tough.  But I do not think that it is impossible.  However, I think that sorting through it is going to be a lot easier and more effective with professional help.  Family counseling can be very helpful.  If you think that your husband may be reluctant, you don’t even have to put the focus on your marriage.  You might just tell him that you want to help your kids.  He may be more willing to participate if you keep things simple.

Because the truth is, if you can address the issues with the kids, your marriage may well recover.  There is much literature that suggests that childrens’ teenage years are a time of great stress to a couple’s marriage.  But, having two united parents is certainly in the best interest of children, particularly children who are struggling.

And you want to set an important example for your kids.  You want them to see that strong families pull together during times of difficulty.  And you don’t want for them to think that they were responsible for their parents’ martial problems.

Putting Your Cards On The Table: You might want to have a conversation about this to get your husband on board.  You might try something like: “I know that you are angry about the ‘kid drama.’  I am not all that happy about it either.  But getting separated or divorced is not going to end the issues with the kids.  In fact, it will probably just make it worse.  I know that our kids are struggling and it is hard not to be angry at them, but they need us to pull together and not to turn on each other.  I am going to suggest that we seek family counseling.  We probably should have done that years ago, but I don’t think it’s ever too late. We can’t foresee what is going to happen with our marriage.  But I think that dealing with the issues with the kids is our best first step.  Let’s address one thing at a time.  Will you agree to that?  Let’s just go to one session and see if someone can help to point us in the right direction.”

If the cost of counseling is off putting, check with your children’s school.  They often have a counselor on staff who may be willing to help.  After all, addressing this problem would likely to help the kids at school as well, which makes it appealing for everyone.

I know that you are not dealing with an easy situation. But I think that it is one that can be fixed and addressed.  You are not dealing with a husband who doesn’t love you or two spouses who do not get a long.  You are dealing with a huge stressor that is hurting your marriage.  But if you address and remove that stressor, your marriage may rebound.

It wasn’t children that divided my husband and I when we separated.  But we had plenty of stressors that I made the mistake of ignoring.  If I had addressed the things that were right in front of me, I could have avoided a lot of pain.  I eventually got my husband back, but not without a lot of struggles first.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common to think that once you are separated, then you might not ever be able to reconcile with your spouse. Many people just can’t figure out how a reconciliation might happen – especially in terms of their marriage. So I might hear a comment like: “my husband is the one who wasn’t sure about our marriage. Although there have been times where I wasn’t as happy as I wanted to be, I would never walk out on my marriage – even temporarily. But my husband has decided that he is so unhappy that he wants to split up. In fact, he was going to pursue a divorce until I talked him down to a separation as a compromise. There aren’t any huge issues between us and we don’t fight all of the time or anything like that. It’s just that we have lost our intimacy. I know that people sometimes get back together after they are separated. I would hope that this is the case for us. But how does it happen? How do people get back together when separated?”

You’re right. It does happen more than people assume. And there are various ways that it can happen. The way that it happened for me is probably vastly different than the way that it may happen for you. So in the following article, I will outline some of the ways that couples get together and reconcile after a marital or trial separation.

The Couple Decides That They Miss Each Other And They Rush To Reconcile Without Looking At The Issues: Honestly, this is a very tempting option. Most people don’t even question their motivations at all. This is especially true if you are the spouse who never wanted to separate in the first place. All you need is for your spouse to show even a little interest in coming back home and you are all over it. I completely understand this because if my husband had asked to come home during my separation, I wouldn’t have questioned it. I would have opened the door and my arms without the slightest hesitation. Of course, I now know that trying to reconcile before you’ve at least looked at the issues is not the best idea. But I hurt quite a bit during my own separation. And I would have taken any opportunity to see that come to an end, even if I had doubts or fears that it wasn’t going to last.

The Couple Work On Their Issues Completely So That Both People Are Comfortable Enough To Begin A Reconciliation: This is the optimal situation that gives you the best chance for long term success. Some couples are able to do this with a counselor, who works with the couple over time in order to determine when it is optimal to begin the reconciliation process. Others are able to do this on their own through sheer determination and will. Maybe they aren’t mental health professionals but they can research, they can seek out self help, and they can hold themselves and their spouse accountable.  They methodically work through their issues until they see enough enough progress so that they are comfortable enough to come back together. Of course, the understanding is that even though they are beginning the reconciliation by living together again, they will continue to work on the issues for as long as is needed.

They Decide To Work On The Issues At The Same Time That The Reconciliation Is Happening: Sometimes, the couple miss one another and this has perhaps caused them to be more willing to compromise than before. Sure, they know that they still have a long road ahead of them. But at least they have identified the issues and have agreed upon a plan to work through them. This situation often happens when the couple has kids. They don’t want to disrupt the kids’ family life for any longer than they have to, so they believe that it makes sense to go ahead and begin reconciling before all of the work has been done.

Now, I don’t want to insinuate that all couples plan out or even understand which of the above works for them. Many people don’t consciously think about how and when they are getting back together. They are just reacting to what is going on in their marriage and in their relationship. So, if things are going well and the problems seem less immediate, then whether they are having concrete thoughts about it or not, then they are more likely to move toward a reconciliation.

So, in this case, the wife said that the main issue was that the intimacy was gone. It makes sense then that the main goal while separated would be to create a new sense of intimacy. Since this is often a gradual process, you probably can’t expect to rebuild the intimacy immediately. But you can start the process. And being apart will often give you a bit of a jump start because you will miss each other. Don’t push too hard, though. Intimacy is something that can’t be faked. Try to be upbeat, receptive, and keep your sense of humor. Try to just have fun and reconnect when you are together and intimacy will often naturally follow.

My husband and I decided to work on our marriage while we were in the process of reconciling.  We did a lot of work first.  But we weren’t completely over our issues when we reconciled.  However, we had made a very solid start and had a concrete plan in place so that we both felt confident about his coming back home.    If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband tell you that he wants a divorce is one of the worst feelings that I can possibly describe. You can feel that everything that you valued or worked for is now at risk. You feel afraid. You feel rejected. You feel alone.

So when your husband shows any sign of changing his mind or, even better, asks you to stay, you want to believe that he is sincere. You want to believe that this was just a weird time in your marriage that is now going to pass. You want to believe that you will simply move on and never have to worry about the “d” word again.

Still, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. You worry that if you just come back home, or forget the whole thing, the whole divorce issue is going to crop up eventually. Or you worry about his motivations for calling the whole thing off.

A wife might say: “last weekend, my husband and I got in an a pretty heated argument. He told me that he wanted a divorce and he wanted me to move out by Friday. He already had our home when we first started dating. So technically this is his house and not mine. I was devastated. We have been having problems for a while. It is not as if I thought we had the perfect marriage. But I did think that we would work out our issues. I was so disappointed that he was not giving me the chance. I spent a couple of days finding a place to live. Then Thursday, I started packing. Thursday night, my husband came in and told me that he had changed his mind. He said that because of the heated fight, he had overreacted. Honestly, I would love to stay and forget this whole thing. But something is nagging at me. Obviously, he was bothered enough to ask me for a divorce. And now I’m supposed to believe that he’s happy with our marriage? I am worried that if we just forget the whole thing, we will end up divorced eventually. I want to trust that it is all going to be OK. But I am having trouble doing that.”

I understand your concern. And I think that it is valid. There were cracks in my own marriage, but I told myself that I was just making problems for myself. Instead of facing our issues head on, I tried to have a good attitude and hope for the best. But this did eventually come back to haunt me, as the issues came back with a vengeance and we eventually separated. So you are absolutely right to be concerned.

Know The Challenges Of Saving Your Marriage While Living Under Separate Roofs:  Saving your marriage while you are living apart can be scary and difficult. You have to work extra hard because you don’t always have access to your spouse. Granted, there are times when the distance can work for you because you miss one another. But it is a real risk. Because when you move out, there is always the risk that you will have a very hard time moving back in.

I am certainly no expert and I’d highly recommend that you speak with one, but I think that it wouldn’t hurt to remain in your home and place your focus on improving your marriage so that you will have the confidence that a divorce is not on the horizon.

Sure, if you stay there and just never think about your problems and don’t make any changes, then there would probably be a high risk that the same issues are going to keep coming up and seriously put your marriage at risk.  But you certainly have a choice about that.

Know That You Can Stay Put And Make Changes:  Nothing says that you can’t stay put and then work very hard to strengthen your marriage. You can lay the foundation for that with a conversation like this: “you know that I would love nothing more than to stay here and continue to be married. I adore you and our marriage is so important to me. But I’m afraid. I know that we have some real issues here. And I’m worried that if we do nothing, we will end up right back where we are today. I think that it’s important that we work really hard to fix the issues in our marriage. Because I don’t want to end up back here again. I want to have a very strong marriage so that divorce is most definitely off the table. Are you willing to do that with me?”

I think that at this point, your position will be pretty strong. If he feels so strongly that he is motivated to ask you to stay, then I’d suspect that he will also agree to work on your marriage.

I know first hand that because of fear, it can be easy to brush things under the rug and to just go on, hoping that you can put this behind you. But ignoring the obvious is, in my experience, the worst thing that you can do.

Problems have a way of coming up again and again until they are dealt with. And when it comes to your marriage, reoccurring problems that keep cropping up are something you can’t afford. Especially if your husband has already mentioned a divorce.

It’s very easy to panic.  But it really doesn’t help anything.  What does help is really and truly addressing the core issues.  You can read more about how I FINALLY managed to do this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There is no feeling of helplessness quite like the one you feel when your spouse isn’t sure if he shares your loving feelings. You’re clear on the fact that you love him and that you want to make your marriage work. But when he doesn’t share your certainty, this hurts.

I might hear a spouse say: “my husband has been staying in our guest bedroom for about two months. He says he isn’t sure that he loves me in the way that husband should love his wife. But he doesn’t leave because he doesn’t want to do emotional harm to our children. They don’t know that we are sleeping in separate rooms because we get up before them and go to bed after them. I had hoped that this would all iron itself out. But yesterday, I asked my husband if things had gotten any better for him and his response to me was ‘I don’t know if I want to make our relationship work.’ I was taken aback. I asked him how he could say this when our children needed for us to have a relationship. He said that he will always want to be in a healthy parenting relationship with me. But, beyond that, he isn’t sure. He doesn’t know if he wants to continue on with a romantic or marital relationship with me.  He says that I haven’t done anything wrong and that he knows that I am a good person. But he is starting to feel as if perhaps I’m not the person for him because the feelings have supposedly left. I am not sure how I can possibly address this. I try to look nice. I try to be accommodating to him. I bend over backwards to get along with him. I feel as if I am walking on eggshells half of the time. I feel as if I am helpless to watch this entire process happen. This is awful. I don’t know how to do more than I already am.”

I do understand this desperate, helpless feeling because I have been there too. And, honestly, other than trying to make the best of the situation, making the changes that you know he’s been hoping to see, and trying to allow him to catch glimpses of the woman he fell in love with, you can’t “make” him want to have a relationship with you.

Even during the height of my own desperation when I was separated, even I understood this. But it didn’t stop me from trying to do exactly that. Until one day it became very obvious that the more desperate I appeared, the less receptive my husband was to me.

Make Sure You Understand What You Are Projecting: I did notice something in this wife’s wording. She described walking on eggshells and bending over backward. I don’t personally know the situation, but it sounded like a tremendous amount of anxiety and a situation in which she was the one doing all of the giving and making all of the concessions. Sometimes, when you are in a situation like this, your husband can take you for granted and generate a certain lack of respect because of what you are projecting.

I was over accommodating also and I feel like my husband lost some respect for me because of it. I am not saying that you shouldn’t be pleasant and accommodating, but you don’t want to give off the impression that you care about his experiences and perceptions more than your own.

There Are Things That You Can Do For Yourself While You Are Waiting: I know that you probably feel like you are in a situation where all you can do is wait for him to make up his mind. And I know that this is very frustrating. But I found in my own life that if you do things to improve the situation for you personally  (which isn’t just based on your marriage) and you show your husband that you respect yourself enough to prioritize YOU, his attitude toward you may well change. At the very least, he should be less likely to take you for granted. And I’m talking about simple things like pursuing hobbies, seeing friends, working out, or anything that will be positive for your life – regardless of what happens with your marriage.

People often tell me that they have no choice but to just wait helplessly for him to make up his mind. I used to feel this way, too. But then I got very tired of feeling stagnant. And I realized that picking myself up wasn’t going to hurt my chances of saving my marriage. It was going to make things more bearable for me. And I firmly believe that, in the end, it actually helped my chances to save my marriage.

Putting It In Perspective: I think it helps to try to think rationally instead of emotionally. He hasn’t said that he definitely doesn’t want a relationship with you. He said that he doesn’t know. That means that he could ultimately decide that he does.

But how you act right now may have a decent bearing on the outcome. So as frustrated and as scared as I know that you are, sometimes when you are waiting, the best place that you can place your focus on is yourself.

I know that what I have said might sound counter-intuitive.  But, think about it this way.  By focusing on yourself, time will go by faster.  And hopefully when you do reconcile, you will be a stronger woman than when process first started.  That is an advantage.  A hard-won advantage.  But an advantage nonetheless. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who know that they have played a large part in their marital separation. Although they are not the one who asked for the separation or the one who moved out, their actions put the whole thing in motion and they feel badly about this. They know that they have played a role in the destruction of their marriage and they would like to initiate change and make it right. But the problem is that their spouse doubts their words and no longer believes in anything that is said. So they feel stuck and helpless.

It could be described this way. “It has taken me a long time to get honest with myself. But if I am being honest, I have to admit that I can’t really blame my husband for leaving me. I have not been an easy person to live with. I am critical and abrasive. This is sometimes just my nature. But my sibling has been dealing with a chronic illness and this has made my attitude even worse. Instead of asking my husband for support, it seems that I have lashed out at him. When he asked me for a separation, he said that living with me made him feel like he was in a state of panic all of the time. He said that he can’t live this way anymore. He said that he doesn’t want to wake up in the morning wondering what he is going to do to make me angry. He said that life is too short not to feel at peace in your own home. This hurts me. But I have to admit that he is right. I was not abusive to him or anything like that. We never shouted or laid our hands on one another. It was just me being critical all of the time and I am so sorry about this. I took him for granted until it was too late. I want one more chance. I know that I can do better. I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but I can tell that he does not believe me. He is skeptical about everything that I say. I can’t blame him. But I am truthful right now. How can I make him believe me and give me a second chance?”

It’s Not About “Making” Him Believe You.  It’s About Changing His Perception So He’s Open To Change: You can’t “make” him believe you. This almost implies that you want to accomplish your goal by force. You can try to shift his perception of you by changing your behaviors so that he wants to believe you.

And you have to accept that this may take some time because he is understandably going to be skeptical at first. He may be afraid to trust you because he doesn’t want to get his hopes up and make himself vulnerable – only for you to revert back to your old ways. So he can understandably put up his defenses.

Slowly Whittling Away His Doubt: Breaking down a husband’s wall of defenses often requires time, patience, and determination. First, you have to legitimately become the person who you want to be. This is not as easy as it sounds. Real change that lasts often takes repetitive new behaviors with positive feedback when you succeed and negative feedback when you fail. And common sense tells that this is going to be an ongoing process.

You always have to ask yourself what you are doing well and where you could use improvement. And then you have to make adjustments as you go along. You also have to be honest with yourself when you ask if you have truly changed. Some people really need support and counseling to truly change because you have to get to the root of the behaviors and understand any triggers. (It is very difficult to be objective enough to accomplish this on your own.  I know that first hand.)

Having The Patience To See It Through: Once you have truly and legitimately changed, you have to have patience. Your husband is not likely to believe in this change the first time that he sees it. He may have some doubts. And the only way to overcome those doubts is to hang in there and allow him to see the change again and again until he eventually starts to trust in it.

Admittedly, this can be a challenge when you are separated and do not see your husband every day. This means that you will have to make the most of every opportunity that you have. Sometimes, you will only be able to demonstrate your change in verbal conversations that you have. And sometimes you will get the opportunity to demonstrate it in person. Always continue on with the change in front of every one – not just your husband. Because people talk. And someone may mention the changes to your husband, which will only help you.

Setting The Stage: If you’d like, you can tell your husband about your intentions, but you don’t want to try to force any change on him or make outlandish promises. Instead, try something like: “you have every right to be skeptical when I tell you that I am going to change. I hope that I will get the opportunity to show you. I’m very sincere in my intentions and I’m getting some help to keep me on track. I am not proud of the way that I have acted in the past. But the only thing that I can do now is to focus on the future and to try to make up for the past. I hope that in the days to come, you will agree that you see real and lasting change. I want you to know that I am sincere, but I completely understand that I have to prove this to you over a long period of time. And I am willing to put in the effort.”

This is only the first step. I strongly believe that you don’t want to ask for a second chance until you have more than proved to him that the change is real.  If you ask for a second chance before you make any changes, then you are showing your husband that getting what you want is more important to you than the change.  And honestly, it should be the other way around.   The second chance may automatically come without your needing to ask for it once your husband believes in the change.

I admit that I hoped that my husband would just blindly believe that I had changed.  I didn’t completely do the work.  And I was trying to short change the process.  I cared more about getting him back than about legitimately changing.  And this almost cost me my marriage.  Real change took a tremendous amount of effort and time.  There were not many short cuts.  But it was worth it.  There’s more to this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Every one knows that things change once you have children.  You may have thought that you knew what kind of parent your spouse would be.  But no one can really know for sure until they witness their spouse’s parenting style in real life.  Sometimes, parenting brings a couple closer together because they have similar parenting styles and are able to band together.  But other times, they have different parenting styles because of differing personalities or because of the different way that they were both raised.  This can cause conflict not only with your parenting, but also with your marriage.

One spouse might explain it this way: “our marriage is in real trouble for a reason that I consider very serious.  I do not like the way that my husband parents our children.  He is way too strict.  He is like a father from the 1950s or something.  He insist that my children do chores, only leave the table if they ask to be excused, and refer to every one as ma’am or sir.  I feel like my children are afraid to be themselves or are afraid to be silly and just have fun around my husband.  I think that they feel as if they have to be very serious all of the time.  They are completely different children when they are around me.  I am not completely without discipline, but if their father is late from work, I don’t see any harm in letting them eat dinner in front of the TV.  I will let them play with their toys without immediately picking everything up.  And I do not expect for young children to have impeccable manners.  It’s OK to be silly and to act their age. I have tried to joke around about this around my husband to try to lighten the mood.  I tell him that he needs to relax a little bit, but this seems to make him angry. And he says that he will not raise spoiled brats.  I realize that we had very different upbringings.  His parents were in the military and I guess you would call mine hippies. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that we would have these sorts of problems.  It is to the point where I am considering separating for the sake of my children.  Some of my friends say that I am overreaching but I am not so sure about that.  I worry about the effect of his long term parenting on my children. He has never laid a hand on them.  He doesn’t spank them.  But his very rigid demands are just too much.”

This is a very common problem, but it is one that can (when not addressed) ruin marriages. It can cause resentment and it can cause the spouses to feel as if they are being isolated, picked on, and misunderstood.  No one wants to be part of us “us versus him” mentality when you are talking about your spouse and about your children. This can make someone feel isolated and and as though they just can’t win.  Plus, often when you criticize their parenting, it can feel (at least to them) as though you are criticizing who they are and what they believe.  That is why you have to be careful about how you phrase things.  You must find a compromise, but you want to be careful of how you approach this.

And you also want to keep in mind that parents who have conflict and who can’t compromise to the point of constant tension might create an environment that is more harmful to the children than different styles of parenting.

Instead of insinuating that your parenting methods are right while his are wrong, you might want to try something like: “I’d like to talk to you about the kids because I know that we both love them more than anything and I am sure you share my concerns about their well being.  I worry that we are sending them mixed signals because our parenting styles are so different.  It is so important that we present a united front.  So I would like to sit down with you and see if we can agree on some of the ways that we can approach parenting as a united team.”

And this is where it can get tricky.  You have to think about which of your habits are most important to you and which you are willing to let him keep.  For example, perhaps you don’t mind your kids being asked to pick up their toys regularly, but it drives you crazy that he insists that they call every adult by a formal name.  Or, maybe it is not so much what he asks of your children, but the tone that he uses when he does it.  It’s very important that you determine what you can and can not live with and then be gentle but clear when you discuss this.

Because quite honestly, your husband is very likely modeling the same parenting that he grew up with, just like you are.  This does not make any one right or wrong.  It is just reality.  And it appears that your children have two loving parents who care enough to make the effort to parent them.  So now it just time to talk openly and negotiate a style that is comfortable for both of you.

This is important because if you say nothing, it’s pretty likely that things will get worse until you can’t take it anymore and you lash out.  It is better to approach this in a loving and controlled manner than to wait until it reaches a breaking point. I know this first hand.  My husband and I kept putting off the important discussions until things reached the point of almost no return.  We eventually separated for a while until we learned the art of compromise.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes when you are separated but hoping for a reconciliation, one of the biggest decisions that you will make is how much to disclose to your husband. Sometimes, you may feel very tempted to share your feelings, but you are afraid that this is going to make things worse. You may want to tell him how much you are struggling or how much you miss him, but you wonder if it would benefit you (or hurt you) to share this sort of vulnerable information. You may ask friends or family members for their input, but ultimately, whether to share is your decision alone. And you might finally decide that honesty is the best policy and then work up your courage to tell the truth, only to find that you did not get the response that you were hoping for. Not only is this disappointing, but it makes you wonder what this might mean for your separation or for a possible reconciliation.

Someone might explain this common scenario: “since my separation started, I’ve almost been walking on eggshells around my husband. I don’t want him to see me in a negative way because I desperately want my marriage back. Since he has moved out, I have missed him so much that it is almost all that I can think about. I almost can’t stand it. His sister and myself are very good friends. I was talking about this with her and she told me that I should be honest with my husband and tell him how desperately I miss him. I was somewhat afraid that it might make things worse but then I put it out of my mind. I decided that this man is my husband and that I didn’t want to play games. The other night, we met for dinner. Things were going extremely well, so maybe that helped me to get my courage up. I finally blurted out how much I missed him. And as soon as I did, the atmosphere in the room changed. He did not reply with an ‘I miss you too.’ He did not seem touched by this. He honestly sort of cleared his throat and tried to change the subject. And then everything changed. There was no longer any laughter. He ended the evening pretty quickly. So now I am in a panic and wondering if I have ruined everything. I don’t know how to undo this. Do I tell him that I misspoke? Do I just let it ride and hope that it passes? I am so afraid I’ve messed up big time.”

I know how you feel. I was in a similar situation. It was honestly pretty obvious how much I missed my separated husband and I am sure that this fact made him uncomfortable.  It seemed that the more I poured my heart out to him, the more he pulled away from me and the worse things got. Now, I don’t know your husband so I can’t possibly guess at the best strategy. All I can tell you is that when I backed away a little bit, things eventually improved for me.

Don’t Make Assumptions And Know The Most Likely Causes Of His Reaction: It’s normal to assume that he has cooled off because he doesn’t miss you in return or he doesn’t want to reconcile. I don’t think that this is always the case, however. I think that sometimes, men respond in the way that they do because when you make these types of confessions, they elicit feelings of guilt and maybe even shame in your husband. Deep down, he may be feeling selfish and guilty for putting you through all of this. So when you tell him how much you are struggling, all this does is magnify that guilt. And he will then naturally try to shut that type of talk down, because he doesn’t want to feel the guilt.

Why Watching And Waiting Might Not Be A Bad Idea: As to how to handle this moving forward, I think that I would consider waiting and watching for a little bit. It may be that eventually, he will realize that you weren’t expecting him to take any action and that you were just sharing your feelings. As a result, he may realize that he overreacted. Or he may still be distant and cold. I think it makes sense to wait for a little bit and see if this will resolve without needing to have an awkward conversation that might make things worse.

Working To Change His Perception: I also think that it’s important that he begins to perceive that although you may miss him, you aren’t waiting around or stopping your life because of this. It’s important that he knows that you are coping and doing the best that you can. Since his sister and you are friends, you want to make sure that she knows that you’ve picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and continued on.

Because once a husband knows that you are coping, the pressure on him is lessened and he will often be receptive again eventually. If not, you may have to attempt a conversation, but I would not rush that.

In my own case, when I got busy pursuing other things, it initially felt like a risk. But I wasn’t sure what else to do. I had already laid my cards on the table with disastrous results. So backing away was more out of fear than anything else.  But backing away just slightly turned out to be a brilliant strategy, because this was the only thing that got him receptive again. There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your marital separation is approaching its end, then it would be wonderful if you could just enjoy the relief and the happiness that you feel to be reconciling. But this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, people feel both relief and doubt. While they are happy that they have finally gotten their wish and will be getting back together with their spouse and attempting to save their marriage, they are also afraid that the reconciliation won’t last. And many of them have resentments and hurt feelings because of the behaviors that they saw either before or during the separation.

A comment that you might hear about this is something like: “last year, my husband was down on everything and every one in his life. He hated his job. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to live in this part of the country anymore. He questioned the choice of our church. And he even questioned his love for me. I would call this a midlife crisis, but my husband is pretty young. Anyway, around that time, he told me that he didn’t think being married to me was helping him in any way.  He said I was doing the opposite of enhancing his life. I told him that I really thought he needed to get counseling because it seemed that he was just down on everything and everyone and his change in attitude seemed very abrupt. He didn’t like my suggestion and said that I just couldn’t accept that he didn’t want me anymore. I asked him what I was doing wrong and he said that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but that he was pretty sure that he no longer loved me. I had a hard time dealing with this explanation. It’s hard to take when someone admits that you’ve been a good wife and have done everything right, but it is not going to matter anyway. I had no choice but to let him leave. During our separation, he often would not take my calls and sometimes, when I would try to reach out to him, he would be borderline rude to me. At one point, he even blurted out: ‘how do you not get that I do not want you anymore and never will?’ I never really reacted to the mean things that he said, because I know my husband well enough to know that this behavior just wasn’t typical of him. And so I didn’t engage with him, but I also didn’t have any hope for my marriage. And just as I was accepting that I was probably going to end up divorced, my husband called me and informed me that he had started seeing a therapist and that she had suggested that I occasionally attend therapy with him. I was more than happy to do this. And my husband slowly seemed to be coming back to his old self. One day in counseling, my husband blurted out that he thought he wanted me back and he thought he might want to start seeing one another again. I was very reluctant about this because I was worried that he would start rejecting me again eventually. It hurt me so much when he was telling me that he didn’t want me anymore. I was honest with him about this and he told me that he deeply regretted the way that he treated me before and that he wasn’t going to repeat that. We have been seeing each other and it is going well. He said that he would eventually like to move back in. I want that too, but I am so scared. Because I know how much it is going to hurt if he suddenly becomes unhappy again and starts to criticize me.”

I understand this. And I can tell you that when my husband and I initially reconciled, I was always very afraid that it wouldn’t work. And I was pretty sure that if we failed at that point, there would be no choice but to go ahead and get a divorce. At the same time though, I was insistent that we take what we learned during our time apart and apply it to our marriage. And this helped greatly. We knew that relating to one another in the old ways just was not going to work. So we watched our behaviors closely and we adjusted.  I believe that this is possible for most couples.

You have an even greater advantage than this because you are actively in counseling. The counselor should be made aware of your concerns so that she can help to guide you through this process. I am not a counselor, but I would suspect that she will want you to move slowly. I don’t think that it’s ever a bad idea to slow down if there’s a bit of reluctance. You want to set yourself up to succeed. There is really no reason for your husband to move back in before either of you are ready, if things are going well now. I’d suggest continuing on with counseling and seeing one another at more regular intervals in order to ease into the reconciliation.  This should help with your doubts and with your comfort level.

When you have counselor supervision, then you really are in the best possible situation. Of course, there are never any guarantees, but I would certainly think that you have a much greater chance of not repeating the same patterns as you would if you were trying to do this without any help.  And I don’t doubt that your husband regrets hurting you. It does appear that he wasn’t himself before the separation. And he did seek counseling, all on his own, which is a great sign. So it does appear that he is on the right track and his behavior is returning to normal with the therapists’ help. Of course, hearing heart felt apologies are always nice.

And, you want to make sure he keeps this up and that you continue to monitor his behavior and to speak up if there is something bothering you. But having a spouse willing to get help and actively getting it along side you during your reconciliation is truly is the best that you can hope for.

When I was evaluating a similar situation with my own spouse, I figured that I didn’t have that much to lose.  If things didn’t work, then I would be in the same place that I already was – separated.  But if it did work, I’d have my marriage back, which is what I wanted more than anything.  So it was worth the risk.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who no longer see the same person who they have always loved when they look at their spouse.  Many start to believe that their spouse has “let himself go.”  They feel that he just no longer takes pride in his appearance or in his health. And this affects the way that they view him as a person, father, and spouse.

One spouse might explain it this way: “when I married my husband, he was a wonderful looking man.  Frankly, he took my breath away every time I looked at him.  Of course, that was over fifteen years ago and I know that there isn’t a person alive today who looks as good as they did fifteen years ago.  I know that this just is not possible.  But, it would help if my husband would care even just a little about his appearance. He doesn’t care at all.  If I didn’t nag him, he wouldn’t even change his clothes or shower on the weekends.  I have to remind him to get hair cuts and I have to tell him when his clothes get ratty and need to be replaced.  Sometimes, I am embarrassed to go out with him because he looks disheveled.  I don’t expect him to look like a male model, but I would like for him to be fit and to look well groomed.  When I mention this to him, he gets annoyed and says that I am a high maintenance person who is too concerned about appearances and not concerned enough about what is on the inside.  I don’t think that this is true.  I do not go overboard with my appearance, but I want to look like I at least put in minimal effort.  Honestly, the way that my husband is acting makes me think less of him.  It makes me think that he is a slovenly and lazy person.  And I am not sure that I want to be married to someone like this.  It reflects poorly on me.  The other day, we were watching a movie and the main character was fat, rude and lazy.  My husband laughed at the guy and called him a ‘clueless slob.’  But honestly, my husband reminded me of this guy.  And he clearly doesn’t even see it.  If I push about this too hard or tell him what I’m truly feeling, I am afraid that it will hurt his feelings. I do love him, but I do not love the way that he presents himself anymore.”

As you are clearly already very aware, this is a touchy situation.  I don’t think that you need to beat yourself up too badly for wanting your spouse to look his best, so long as you are realistic about it.  People do age.  No one looks the same as they did on the day that they got married.   But part of wanting to be a good spouse in a good marriage is taking care of yourself  for everyone’s sake.  And I don’t completely mean that in terms of physical appearance.  I also mean that in terms of physical and emotional health.  Taking health risks put your family at risk.  And not being as emotionally healthy as you can be means that you can’t give your best effort to your marriage and to your family.

But, as you already suspect, this is a delicate situation.  Because if you approach this the wrong way, your spouse will hear it as a criticism and may feel unloved, which could potentially make the problem even worse.  Before I get into suggestions about gently addressing this, I’d like to mention one possibility.  Some very common symptoms of depression include no longer caring about your appearance and allowing hygiene to slip a little.  I’m certainly not a counselor, but if you are seeing other behaviors that might indicate depression, it’s important to address it.  Because a depressed person is going to have a very difficult time making any meaningful change until the depression is addressed.

However, if you don’t think depression is coming into play, then I believe that the best way to handle this is to try to include him into your regimen.  Here is what I mean.  I had a friend who used to be immensely bothered by her husband’s disgusting, long toenails.  She asked him to do something about them but he called her judgmental, and an argument ensued.  So, she dropped it, but the next time she went to get a manicure and pedicure, she lured her husband along, telling him that it was going to be a date, followed by dinner and some alone time.  The husband could not get dressed fast enough and he ended up enjoying the pampering once he saw other men there.  Now, my friend’s husband doesn’t have the nasty toenail problem anymore and she feels closer to her husband. They enjoy this time together.

So take him to your salon.  Bring him clothes shopping.  Take him to your gym.  Now, admittedly, you’re going to have to sell all of these things to him.  You are going to have to do this in a playful and flirty way so that he thinks you’re trying to spend time with him rather than trying to change him. And you will often need to make it sound like a fun, romantic adventure that you are sharing in order to get him to participate willingly.  But, you shouldn’t have to do this for very long.  Because once he sees how happy you are with these changes and once you give him positive reinforcement, he is going to see that these changes were not a lot to ask of him and that they are worth it – because he’s being asked to give so little, but he is getting so much back in return.

Honestly, I wish I had understood how effective positive reinforcement was with my own marriage.  It took a very scary separation to open my eyes on how to motivate your spouse with positive influences rather than negative ones. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal to want to do whatever is necessary to keep your spouse from pursuing a trial separation. One way that we will often try to do this is to tell our spouse that they are wrong and that they will realize their mistake and come crawling back. (I admit that very early on, I did this, too.) This probably isn’t our finest hour. But we figure that desperate times call for desperate measures.

If it turns out that we are right, we are usually thrilled. But much of the time, our spouse doesn’t want to hear about this. You might hear a wife say: “I didn’t want to hurt or punish my husband when I pursued a trial separation. I honestly thought that our marriage needed it. We had become very cold and distant from one another. I felt that I needed a break. I wasn’t intending to end my marriage. Not really. I just wanted to pause it. My husband did not take this well. He told me that I would be miserable without him and that I would be back very soon because I would miss him. He also said that I would realize that my life is much easier with him in it. Turns out, he was absolutely right. Most of his predictions came true. I did miss him. I did realize that I expect a lot out of him and take him for granted. And I did want to come home earlier than I thought I might. My husband gladly took me back and I am relieved about this. But he will never let me forget that I am the one who wanted to leave. He’s practically gloating. I know that this makes me petty, but it bothers me how he’s acting. He’s so smug about it. I almost want to leave him again just to teach him not to act so superior.”

Being Right Can Also Be Destructive: Although it’s normal to want to point it out when we are right, it is so destructive.  Having my husband gone and feeling like he was so far away during our separation made me abandon the whole strategy of telling him what to think or feel. When I finally got my separated husband to come back, I practically bent over backward to show him how happy I was that he came home and how much I welcomed him back. I had no room in my actions for pettiness or punishment. Looking back now, I may have gone overboard to be overly-accommodating to him but I was so relieved when he came home.

Being Happy Rather Than Being Right: It’s important to remember that the whole idea when a separated spouse comes home is to set your marriage up for success. However, people often don’t remember this when they are hurt or feel wronged in some way. They usually feel that your leaving them was a rejection. They fear that you thought that you’d be better off without them. So the sense of relief that they feel when you come back is huge. And they often just can not resist letting you know this – but they are letting you know in the wrong way.

And although you can understand their motivations, you’re right to recognize that this is harmful to your marriage. So you may want to consider addressing it with something like: “I know that my leaving must have hurt you. It hurt me too. And I’m sure that’s one reason why you want to highlight the mistakes in my thinking. I understand that. But I want to let you know that it hurts me when you tell me how wrong I was. It feels like you are being critical of me. And that just naturally makes me feel defensive. I don’t think this is the best way to start our marriage upon my return home. So can we rewind and start over? How about you just tell me that you’re happy I’m home and I’ll agree that it’s good to be back. And then we can get down to the truly important stuff like improving our marriage. Because I think that we both want the same thing – I think that we both want to be happy. We are more likely to get that if we build each other up instead of tearing each other down.”

Hopefully, this will allow him to see that he will get more of what he truly wants from you – your love – by being sweet rather than critical. You may have to redirect him from time to time. If he resorts back to his old ways, you may have to say: “remember we talked about this and we agreed that you weren’t going to continuously bring this up?”

Over time, he will hopefully see that he gets the reaction he wants out of you more often when he is being positive. You often just have to give him the desired feedback when he is giving you the desired behavior. It takes constant reinforcement. But it often works.

It’s important that you set the correct tone when one spouse comes home from a separation because your marriage can be very vulnerable at that time.   You can read more about how I struggled with this myself on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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