Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Not every one who wants space in their marriage wants a separation. Some people want exactly what they are asking for – a tiny bit of space and only that. Maybe they are having a hard time at work. Perhaps they are having a bit of an identity crisis. Or maybe they are caring for an aging parent. For these reasons and several possible others, they feel like they just want some “alone time” from every one – including their spouse. When they share this, they don’t envision a separation. They just envision having a little more time alone in their own homes – the same home they share with their spouse and hope to continue to share. Unfortunately though, their request for space doesn’t always come out as they intended and it isn’t always well received. Sometimes, their spouse misreads their cues or becomes hurt and angry. And that is when that seemingly simple request can lead to the separation that no one wanted.

Someone might explain: “I have been going through a rough period in my life. I want to state this right up front. I will admit that I am not myself. I have not been a joy to live with. I have a family member in crisis at the same time as I am in jeopardy of losing my job. Plus, I am supposed to be going to school at night. I feel as though I don’t even have time to catch my breath. And after dealing with all of this, I would come home to a spouse who wants to socialize or be entertained. Frankly, I just don’t have the energy for this lately. One day when my spouse and I were arguing about this, I tried to stop the fight by saying: ‘honey, for the next couple of weeks to months, I just need a little space.’ And by this I meant that I wanted a break from the pressure. I wanted my spouse to entertain himself just for a couple of weeks. I wanted him to maybe cook dinner and do some laundry. I did not mean that I no longer want to be married. I just meant that I wanted a break from the million responsibilities on my plate. My spouse said he understood, but then three days later he invited his friends over and he expected me to help entertain them. I reminded him about our conversation about ‘space.’ Well, the next day I came home and there was a note saying that he was moving out for a little while so that I could have my ‘space.’ He said it was clear that checking out was more important to me than anything else. I am absolutely stunned. And devastated. This is not what I meant. I never wanted a separation. And now it has been weeks. And the space is not what I envisioned. I come home from all my stress and there is no one to share and laugh with. Why can’t there by a compromise? Why can’t I just have a little break without my spouse getting the wrong idea and without it messing up my marriage?”

This conversation is probably one for your husband, but I can give you my insights – for what it is worth. I actually think this situation is common. People tend to freak out when the words “space,” and “time,”are mentioned as it relates to your marriage. This is true if all you meant was that you wanted just a little time to yourself.

Seeing It From A Different Perspective: I can give you some insights that may help you to see it from the other side. I was the spouse on the other end of this. My own husband wanted “space,” except that he truly did want a separation, for the most part. I can tell you that hearing these words is extremely scary. Even though people will offer you all sorts of reassurance that he’s just going through something difficult, you will ask yourself why can’t he share that difficult thing with you? And you wonder why you, as a loving spouse, can’t make this better for him? And you ask yourself why he has chosen to retreat from you instead of allowing you to help him?

Understand That He’s Probably Reacting To Hurt Feelings: Honestly, hearing the word “space” from your spouse feels like a rejection no matter how many reassuring words your spouse tries to offer. Frankly, I would doubt your husband truly wants a separation. He left immediately after you asked for space for the second time. It’s a reasonable assumption that he would not have done this had you not had the “space” conversation.

So, he is likely acting out of his shock and hurt. Whether you want to pursue him coming home is up to you. And you might have to play it by ear and see how he reacts when you try to talk about this. But I might try something like: “I feel so frustrated that I didn’t explain myself well. I feel like I meant one thing and you took it to mean another and now we are both hurt and lonely at a time when we need each other most. You know what I hard time I have been having because of things that had nothing to do with our marriage. When I said I needed space, I suppose what I really meant was that I wanted space from all of the things that I felt were closing in on me. I am sorry. I didn’t mean I wanted a separation or any permanent time away from you. I just meant that when I came home from my stress, I needed time to decompress and that is what I should have said. I have no idea how you feel about all of this, but I can tell you that I miss you. And I’m sorry that it came to this. The last thing I wanted was to end or jeopardize one of the things that I want in my life.”

After this, I’d suggest waiting to see what type of reaction you get. Your spouse might be relieved and apologize for the misunderstanding also. Or the hurt feelings might continue until some time has passed. Still, it’s better to get it out in the open. You don’t want for your spouse to continue to assume that you wanted a separation when you didn’t. Because I can tell you that a separation that you didn’t want is very difficult.  if you can avoid that, I would. You can read more about my marital struggles (and how I ultimately overcame them) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  No one wants to be at a point where they are out of control enough to beg someone for something.  And yet, when you are going through a marital separation, are alone, and your husband is refusing to come home, you might find yourself in the position in which you thought that you would never be.

And you might think that – as bad as begging is – if it works, then it would be worth it? Sure, no one wants to have to resort to begging.  But if that is what it takes, so be it.  But what happens if you beg and it does no good?  What happens if you finally bring yourself to go ahead and your husband refuses to make any change?

Someone might describe this scenario: “I have been heartbroken ever since my husband moved out of our home.  I can’t say that I was completely caught off guard.  That would not be true.  I knew that he was unhappy.  I knew that he wanted to leave.  But I hoped that he wouldn’t.  I hoped that the whole process would be too expensive or that he would decide that we could work it out.  He says that he is not happy living with me because our personalities do not mesh very well.  I dreaded the day when he moved out.  And once he did, it was every bit as bad as I knew that it would be.  I am so lonely.  I hate not knowing what he is doing.  We talk every couple of days.  And if I feel like too much time is going by, I will call him.  All along, I have been asking my husband if he has changed his mind about a separation.  And he has been telling me that no, he has not changed his mind.  Well, this past week has been very hard for me.  It is difficult when neighbors ask where my husband is.  I hate going to bed with no one but myself.  So when my husband and I talked yesterday, I broke down and I begged him to come back immediately.  I told him that I did not know how much more I could take of him being gone.  I could hear some sympathy in his voice.  But ultimately, he said no, that he was not ready to come back and that he still needed time. He says he doesn’t know when, or if, he will be ready. This morning, I am still so upset by this.  I humbled myself.  I didn’t want to beg.  But I knew of no other way.  Now he probably thinks that I am pathetic and he’s not coming back anyway. I feel like I have ruined everything.”

Things May Not Always Be As Dire As They Seem: I know how this feels.  And I can’t tell you how common what you are experiencing is.  Many wives are sure that they’ve ruined everything when they have taken a risk.  I was absolutely sure also.  And yet, almost unbelievably, I am still married today.  I know that everything feels very dire and awful right now.  But in time, things have a way of calming down.  Things have a way of being forgotten.

Focusing On What Is Most Likely To Work: Right now, I think that you should place your focus on what is most likely to bring about change.  Experience has shown you that begging or trying to sway your husband does not work.  It is not likely that you are going to be able to wear him down in this way.  And if you continue to try, he may eventually lose patience and start to avoid you.

Also, think about this.  He’s told you that your personality tends to be incompatible with his.  So the last thing that you want to do is show him more of an over-the-top or forceful personality.  Instead, you want to show him the capacity of being calm and approachable.  From my own pitiful experience, begging is not the way to go.  It just makes a husband think that he is going to get more of the same when he comes home.

Instead, you want him to believe that there is something different waiting at home.  He needs to believe that real change has occurred and that it is so genuine, that there is no need for you to beg in that regard. Honestly, real change might make him doubt you less and value you more.  So, consider doing some self work, elevate your self esteem, and make real changes so that you can have confidence that he might eventually want to come back on his own – no begging required.

Try To Slow The Feelings Of Immediacy: I know that everything feels very rushed right now.  But it almost always helps if you can slow, and calm, this down.  Because you can’t think clearly when you feel so rushed.   Please reach out to friends and family members when you feel vulnerable in this way.  When I was in a similar situation, I eventually began calling friends and family when I was tempted to call my husband and potentially making things worse.  This was almost always the right decision.  Because when I backed away a little bit and allowed my husband a little space and created a little mystery, he eventually became much more receptive to me as the result.  And this meant that we eventually reconciled. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of us like to think of ourselves as stoic adults. What I mean by this is that when you reach adulthood, you are supposed to be able to handle life’s challenges – especially emotional ones. You’re not the kid in high school who would brood over a break up anymore. When people disappoint you today, you are supposed to realize that you have bigger issues to worry about and move on.

Adults are expected to not be overly emotional. After all, many of us are focused on our careers, aging parents, and caring for children. We do not have the time to get bogged down in the mire of our love lives. And many of us assume that we are not going to have to deal with this anyway. We hope that we have stable marriages with stable emotions. However, when we end up separated, we may be absolutely shocked to find that we are not as stoic as we once thought. The pain might take us by surprise and we may not exactly understand the reason behind the pain.

Someone might ask this type of question: “my husband sort of blindsided me with a separation. I knew that our marriage wasn’t as strong as it used to be, but I honestly didn’t think that separation or divorce was on the horizon. I thought that our marriage was stable enough to weather the storm. Apparently my husband doesn’t agree and he moved out a few weeks ago. Honestly, I am very surprised at my response. I am usually someone who is very even-keeled and who can handle just about anything with my head held high. But this has honestly devastated me. I find myself really struggling with the pain. This week, there was a function at work, and I had to answer for why my husband wasn’t present. I couldn’t even get out an explanation before I started choking up. I never get emotional at work and I was horrified that I was showing personal emotions in a professional setting. I love my husband and I know that it’s normal to feel some emotion during marital issues, but I never anticipated that it would be quite this bad. Every day is really hard. I honestly can’t remember dealing with hurt this severe. Intellectually, I know that I am alive and healthy and have so much to be grateful for. So why does this hurt so much?”

I can certainly give you some theories. And I know just how much this hurts. I too am typically a pretty stoic person, but I can not express how much I struggled also. It shocked me, too. I think that, like no other, this is a time when we need to be gentle with ourselves. Dealing with the issue is challenging enough without us getting angry with ourselves when what we are feeling is natural. Now, I will move onto why it hurts so much.

It Feels Like A Rejection From The Person With Whom We Have Allowed Ourselves To Be The Most Vulnerable: I think that one of the primary reasons that this hurts so bad is because we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with our spouse and build up a high degree of trust. Over time, we come to believe that they will always be there and will always have our backs. We believe that, even in tough times, they are our rock and that we can always count on them. So, when something happens and this seems to be in question, we can feel very let down and almost betrayed. Now we have to wonder why this permanent person may not be so permanent anymore. And it can feel like a rejection from the person we “let in” and most depended upon. It is that vulnerability that makes it hurt so very much.

A Feeling Of Failure: I think that another major reason for the pain is that many of us consider our marriage our greatest commitment and accomplishment. Many of us get a sense of peace and self esteem from our marriage. So when this is in question, it makes us feel “less than” we felt previously.

When I was separated, I suddenly felt like a failure. I thought I didn’t try hard enough. And I realized that I unknowingly made judgements about people who were divorced. I am not proud of this. But I used to think that people who were divorced just did not have the skills or the commitment to make it work. And I thought less of them because of this. So I thought less of myself when it appeared that I was heading this way. (I have since revised my opinion somewhat.)

Know That If You Make Some Progress And Get Some Time Underneath You, It Gets Better: It’s probably common sense that if you are able to reconcile and end the separation, the feelings of pain begin to abate. I can tell you that you don’t magically just feel perfect, though. For a while after my reconciliation, I was always worried about my marriage. I didn’t always feel at ease. Still, making improvements and adjustments to your marriage (as well as the passage of time) can give you the confidence that you can get through this and that lessens the pain.

Plus you begin to realize that even with the pain, you are surviving and that in and of itself helps also. I would strongly encourage you to have some patience with yourself. If your sister was separated, I doubt you would tell her that she just needs to buck up and not be overly emotional. You would tell her that her feelings are understandable and you would try to support her. So please give yourself the same courtesy and support as you would give to any other loved one.

I do understand the pain.  I felt it. For much longer than I wanted to.  And then one day I just could not take it anymore.  I began to place my focus on friends and family that loved me.  And I told myself that this would only be temporary.  The change in focus completely changed my husband’s attitude toward me.  And it was only then that we made progress. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, one of the big draws of getting married is knowing that, for the rest of your life, you’re going to have a built-in support system. You anticipate that you are always going to have someone who is there to listen, offer you their loving observations, and have your back should things go wrong. Although none of us exactly welcomes life challenges, many of us at least get comfort out of the fact that we aren’t facing this life alone. 

Unfortunately, after you have been married for a while, you can realize that the reality of this situation didn’t turn out to be the way that you planned. You look around and you perceive that your spouse doesn’t have your back after all. You feel lonely in your own home. And, at the time when you need them the very most, your spouse may be absent and just not there for you. This can make you wonder what is the point of being married.

Someone might complain: “When my husband is sick or feeling down or trying to overcome something, then I am always his cheerleader, making him his favorite foods, and tending to him. But if I should need something from him, forget it. He’s not going to help me, much less acknowledge me. Last month, I got very sick and my husband didn’t tend to me in the least. He just basically waited for me to get better just I could resume my duties at home. For the last two years, both of my parents have been chronically ill. I am an only child. So in addition for caring for the family that I live with, I have to care for my parents also. You would think that my husband would feel sympathy for me and try to help in any way he could. This is what I would do for him. But no, he acts as if this whole thing is inconveniencing him. The other night, the hospital had to call in the middle of the night. I was operating on very sleep. I thought that perhaps my husband would offer to drive me to the hospital since I was so sleep deprived. I thought he would offer to go with me for support. Nope. He sighed as if we were mad that the phone call woke him up. As an afterthought, he called ‘be careful’ as I was leaving. But that’s apparently the best that he could do. That evening, I came home utterly exhausted. I had hoped he might make dinner or order take out, but then he proceeded to remind me that I’d promised to make him a certain meal. Obviously, I hadn’t planned to make the meal, considering the circumstances – and I told him so. He’s never been this selfish before. I don’t get him. I am really hurt about this. But I am more angry than hurt. He should be there for me. He should do things to alleviate my pain. Instead, he seems to just pile on. I’m truly starting to wonder why I’m even married. I’ve started thinking that it would work out better if I moved my parents in with us, but I know he will freak out over that. I might just be better of without him. Why stay married if your spouse isn’t there for you?”

I agree that your husband could and should be doing better. Much better. But I’m not entirely sure that you should throw in the towel without trying a few things first – although I admit that this decision is certainly not mine. Ultimately, it is your life and you will have to make this call.

Evaluate If You’ve Unknowingly Taken On A Role: Granted, I didn’t know this couple. But I have known many like them and I fall into this category also. There is a natural inclination to get into a pattern where one spouse is the caregiver while the other is the taker. Often, it is the wife who falls into the caregiver role because women are just naturally nurturing and men (who grew up with mothers who nurtured them) are conditioned to want and need this caregiving.

It isn’t until us wives get into a situation where we’d like some of this nurturing for ourselves that we notice this problem. To be fair, our husband often doesn’t see this coming because we go along with it until a situation comes along that changes things.

Understand That He May Not Know How To Handle This, Though His Intentions Might Be Good: In times of high stress, it’s very common for people to lash out because they are at a loss of how to handle things. Men often do not know how to switch gears and to take on a caregiving role.  If you were to this husband, he might say something like: “I’m just not sure what to do. I know that she’s feeling bad right now, but I don’t know how to help her. I tell her that things will be OK. But she doesn’t seem to want to hear this. So I don’t know what to do next.”

I am not making excuses for this husband. But it is implied that this behavior wasn’t exactly typical of him before this rough patch. You said that he’s not typically selfish. So, before you just assume that he will never be himself again and accept that your marriage is broken, I’d suggest considering at least giving him a chance to rectify this.

Spell It Out: As unfair as it might seem (because we often think that he should just know what we need) you will often have to get very specific with him about what you need from him. That way, you have a better chance of getting it. And, if you don’t get it then you know he’s choosing not to give it to you.

So you might try a conversation like: “honey, I don’t want for this to come out the wrong way. But I would like to ask you for just a little more support. This is a very stressful time for me. It’s not easy at the hospital. And when I come home, I would love just a hug or dinner or something to show me that you want to help me through this. Instead, I sometimes feel like this whole thing is annoying you. I wish we didn’t have this stress. I wish things were wonderful and carefree the way that they used to be. But, I don’t have that luxury right now. I can’t turn my back on my parents. And I’m asking you to support me right now. I love you and I want for you to have my back.”

Don’t Imply That He’s A Bad Husband. Just Try To Inspire Him To Rise To The Occasion: Try to keep your tone gentle. You don’t want to sound accusatory as if you are calling him a bad husband or saying he’s uncaring. You want for your tone to make him feel some empathy so that he will actually want to do better.

Again, I know it stinks when your spouse isn’t there for you. But before you just give up, give him a chance to do better. Ask him for what you need. Men often don’t know how to help us. They don’t really know how to offer emotional support.  For most of them, this hasn’t ever been their role.  So they may need help stepping into those shoes. This feels very awkward to them and so they just retreat. Let him know that you don’t want him to retreat and that you need him. He may just rise to the occasion. And you will have a marriage that is a support system instead of another stressor.

Praise Him When He Steps Up To The Plate: If you do see him making a clumsy attempt to do better make sure you acknowledge that he’s trying. This means he will try again and you can get out of the pattern of caregiver and the cared for. You’re right that you deserve more. But you often have to ask for it in order to break out of the pattern that’s already been established.

I think that one of the reasons that my husband and I separated.  Because I was juggling so many things, he didn’t think that I was truly there for him.  I’m glad he gave me that second chance because I am definitely there for him now. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s an awful feeling when you know that you are watching your marriage deteriorating before your very eyes.  It’s a much worse feeling when you know that this deterioration is potentially all your fault.  And that can be especially bad if you’re dealing with something you feel you should learn to control – like your anger.

Someone might explain: “I am fully aware that my anger is destroying my marriage.  And what’s so awful is that I was not always this way.  I used to be happy-go-lucky and laid back.  It used to take quite a bit to get me angry.  That is not the case anymore.  I have two children under the age of three. I feel pulled in many different directions. I feel incredibly overwhelmed.  And I suppose because of this, I find myself snapping at just about everyone.  My kids. My husband.  My mom.  Sometimes, my anger seems to come out of nowhere but then once it appears, I can’t seem to control it.  I will say things that I can not believe are coming out of my mouth.  And I will slam things. Last night when we were having dinner, one of the kids mentioned that he did not like the food.  Typical toddler stuff.  I asked him to try it anyway.  He refused.  And I got up, left the table, and pushed my chair in so loud, it made him cry.  My husband went after me and told me he did not recognize the person I had become.  He asked me when I had become an angry person.  I told him that I don’t know. He said he is not sure how much longer he can live this way.  He said that he had told himself he would never put his children through a broken home, but he insisted that my anger is very unhealthy for them also.  How do I stop my anger from destroying my family and my marriage?”

Well, I’m not a therapist or a specialist in anger, but it doesn’t take a specialist to know that it’s vital to get your anger under control as soon as possible.  And I know from watching friends go through this that women’s anger can be a little trickier than men’s anger.  Because much of the time, hormones are involved – especially after a recent pregnancy, which seems to be the case here.  I’m not a doctor, so I am only speculating and I would strongly encourage you to see one.  But it would make sense, especially considering the fact that you’ve never had anger issues before.

My first stop would be to get my hormones evaluated and to follow up with any suggestions that my doctor might have.  I would see a therapist who specializes in women’s issues. I don’t have to tell you how damaging this can be to your family.  Because you already know that.  And the fact that you have self awareness about it is a good thing – because not every one does.  Many people are not only angry, but they are defensive – denying that the anger even exists and blaming every one else.

That is not the case here.  You are aware of what is going on and you are motivated to change it – which is half the battle already.  Even if there are hormones involved which get fixed, I’d suspect that you’re still going to have to work at changing your triggers and habits.  Because if this has gone on for a while, it has become a habit.  Once you’re triggered by something, you resort to what has become your go – to method of handling it – your anger.  In order to break this cycle, you have to recognize the trigger, and then employ a new, more positive method to deal with it.  Do this enough times and the habit is broken and replaced with the more appropriate one.

I don’t mean to make this sound like it’s a case of “mind over matter” because I don’t believe that it’s as simple as that.  I believe that it would really help to see a professional that can help you see exactly what is going on and offer you the most efficient way to handle it.

But noticing it and being willing to change are good signs that show you have the necessary self awareness and motivation to change.  Your family will be much better off and I am sure you will feel much better too.  Because you’re probably suffering from guilt and shame heaped on top of the anger, which just feeds into the whole negative cycle.

You may want to let your husband know about these realizations because it may help him to be a little more patient.  The next time this topic comes up, you might try something like: “you are absolutely right.  This isn’t like me.  That’s not an excuse, but you know that this isn’t typical behavior for me. That’s why I feel that I need to be evaluated and treated by someone.  I want to stop this, but I suspect that hormones are involved because of my pregnancies and I’m going to need help fixing that.  I am committed to fixing it, though.  And I’d like to ask you to help me by supporting me and bringing my attention to it when you see any anger cropping up.  You know that I’m very committed to being the best wife and mother I can possibly be.  And part of that means that I need to address this immediately.  I hope that you support me in this.”

I feel strongly that he will likely throw his support behind you. It only benefits him for you to fix this to and return back to your old self. And even he’s admitted that this is not typical behavior for you.  So it is likely pretty clear to him that you’re not doing this on purpose.

I know that none of this is easy, but sometimes, we have to fight for our family.  And we have to be aware of our habits and tendencies in order to change them.  I made some major life changes after my husband and I reconciled because I didn’t want to take my bad habits into our new and improved relationship.  I have to constantly check myself, but I can also say that the effort has been worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It can be bad enough when your husband has left you and is refusing to come home.  It’s worse when the reason that he gives you for this doesn’t completely make sense to you.  Or when it sounds like nothing more than an excuse.

A wife might complain about a situation like this one: “my husband and I have been fighting badly over money for the past year.  He finally got his advanced degree after us sacrificing for a long time.  I was so relieved because I thought that when he finally graduated, he could get a job and it would relieve all kinds of financial stress. Instead, he announced that he wanted to write a book.  So he looked for part time jobs that would allow him to do both.  He’s had a much harder time than either of us anticipated and money has continued to be tight.  My brother very generously offered to let us stay with him.  He has a very large house, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.  My husband and brother don’t really get along.  My brother thinks that my husband doesn’t pull his own weight and of course my husband is defensive.  Living with my family created stress on top of what we were already struggling with and eventually, my husband left.  At first we didn’t talk at all.  It was very embarrassing for me because I felt abandoned. But he’s come around and we now talk every day.  He will not come to my brother’s house.  So I go to him.  We’ve been getting along better so I’ve asked him to come home.  He doesn’t want to.  His excuse is that my family doesn’t like him and he’s uncomfortable around them.  He says that they make him feel like a loser.  This hurts.  I got a promotion at my job.  And it shouldn’t be long before we can get a place of our own.  But I am not sure what is going to happen to us between now and then.  Is the family thing just an excuse? Does he not want to be with me?”

I really can’t answer that.  I don’t know your husband or what his motivations may be.  I can tell you that financial difficulties or one spouse losing their job is very common precursor to a separation.  I hear from a lot of folks whose marriage has been put at risk because of this.  Often, the person who lost their job feels incredibly badly about themselves and may even struggle with depression.  Sometimes, when the person gets a new job, the issues go away and sometimes they don’t because it wasn’t just the job loss which was the sole problem.

I have no way of knowing whether this was the case.  I don’t have to tell you that if your husband was truly motivated to reconcile, I’m not sure that your family could keep him from you. He’d likely be willing to pay this small price to be with you.  It’s possible that he is feeling better about things, but is still unsure if your marriage (or his self confidence) is so stable that it’s time to move back in.

That’s why I wouldn’t rush this.  You said that you’ve been making some progress, so why not just continue on as you are for a little while longer?  It’s a risk to bring back your spouse too soon anyway.  Because when reconciliations fail and your spouse leaves again, it’s very hard to get them to come back twice.

I don’t see any harm in continuing to reconnect and to rebuild without the stress of your family issue on top of everything else.  Perhaps in the meantime you can save your money because whatever happens with your marriage, it’s likely to be your income which is the primary source of the family income for a little while.

Once he finds a job, things should get better, but I would urge you to look at the entire picture. Ask yourself if there are any underlying issues that also need to be addressed.  As much as I know you want him back as soon as possible, you have to remember the real goal.  And the real goal is to have a happy marriage for the duration.  And to know that the next time stress crops us, he won’t just take off again.

In order to do that, you have to identify what’s really wrong and then fix it.  Right now, you’re in a good position because you are regularly communicating and making progress.  You don’t have to worry about where you’re going to live because of your brother.  So you have the luxury of being able to save and wait.  You have the luxury of making sure that it’s really right before you move forward.

I would continue on with the progress and remove some of the pressure. Once your relationship is on stronger footing and he is feeling more confident about himself and his contributions, then you can address the issue of where you are going to live.  But in order to give yourself the best chance, I’d do some more rebuilding first.  The end goal is always to give yourself the best chance to be happy with a lasting reconciliation.

I too wanted my husband to move back in the moment we started to connect again.  But I’d seen too many reconciliations fail, so I forced myself to move at a slower pace and this paid off.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from folks who are so angry at their spouse that they are not even sure that they can address the problem face-to-face.  Many are looking for pointers as to how to write a letter to get their point across because they do not trust themselves to state this verbally.  They worry that if they try to tell their spouse that he is acting so selfishly and insensitive, a fight will ensue and things will only get worse.  So a letter can seem very attractive when you are this angry.

A spouse might say: “Lately, I have noticed that almost every decision that my husband makes is selfish and based only on what he wants.  We have been saving for a down payment on a house.  My husband’s friend recently had a financial crisis and he needed to sell his car.  He offered my husband a very good deal on the car.  And my husband bought it.  The thing is, he didn’t need a car.  And there went the money for our down payment.  He said that the car was too good a deal to pass up and that it would last him a long time so that he won’t need another car.  He said in the long term it will save us money.  I do not buy this.  He just wanted a nicer car. And now his selfishness will cost us time living in an apartment instead of a house. A couple of weeks ago, my husband got a bad cold. I took the day off of work to take care of him. But when I caught his cold and I was just as sick, do you think he tended to me? Of course not. There was no meal for me.  There was no time off.  He didn’t seem to worry about what I needed.  His worries are always for himself.  I could come up with example after example of this type of behavior. Occasionally, he will surprise me and do something sweet or selfless, but this is very rare.  Mostly he acts like a self-centered jerk.  However, I hesitate to come right out and call him selfish.  He won’t take kindly to that.  So I want to write him a letter.  But what should the letter say?”

You’re right to want to tread lightly here.  Even though you may attempt to say this in as diplomatic a tone as possible, he can still read between the lines and see that you are calling him selfish and/or self-centered. And although you may feel very justified in this and you want him to know exactly how you feel, you have to ask yourself what you really want and what you are really trying to accomplish.

Act Only After You’ve Considered Your End Goal: Ultimately, you likely want him to act in a way that contributes to your meeting your long term goals –  like buying your home.  And you want him to act in a way that makes you feel valued, cared for, and loved.  You have to remember this because if your strategy involves calling him out or making him feel selfish, then you are not going to be as likely to get what you want.  Because he may feel defensive.

Even if you are successful in making him feel guilty, it helps to understand and remember that people tend to avoid and move away from things that make them feel negative emotions.  Even if neither of you realizes it, he may well tune you out the second you start alluding to his selfishness – even in a letter.  As soon as you start using the language where he can see where you’re going, he’s going to start skimming the letter so that he doesn’t even fully appreciate what you are saying – much less take some action.

Catching Flies With Honey Instead Of Vinegar: I have found (and many wives agree) that the best way to get your husband to do something that isn’t in his nature is to lure him into doing what you want and then praising him when he does it.  You can do this in person or through a letter.  But using positive feedback is so important. Why?  Because in the same way that people shy away from negative emotions, they move closer to positive ones.  You will be moving with the tide instead of against it. And getting what you want will not only be easier, but he will not be defensive or resisting you.

Look for an opportunity to ask him for unselfish behavior.  Perhaps the next time you are sick, ask him to make you dinner.  Or the next time one of you runs into unexpected money, ask him to set aside a separate bank account for your house.  When he does those things or even takes baby steps, praise him.  Tell him how cared for and safe it makes you feel when he makes these efforts.

Understand That Men Have Different Tendencies Than Women: I know that sometimes this seems unfair – as though you have to lure him to do something that is just basic.  But being a caregiver isn’t intuitive for many men.  They grew up with mothers who took care of them and did the things that we are now expecting them to do.  It doesn’t always come naturally to them.  But if you criticize, not only do they see you as the bad guy, they will often want to do the task even less than before.

But if you can make them feel like they are your ally and that you appreciate them, they will so often rise to the occasion in a way that makes everyone happy.  You’ve said that your husband DOES exhibit unselfish behavior occasionally.  This is important because it shows that this is in his character.  He just needs to know that you’d like to see more of this and that there is positive reinforcement when he does.

I wish that I had realized some of this before my marriage started to decline.  I used negative reinforcement during my separation and it was very costly.   I had to change strategies, but it was almost too late to save my marriage.  Almost, but not quite.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: After you have been with the same person for quite a long time or are comfortably married, it’s very normal to feel as if your spouse has changed somewhat. This makes sense if you think about it. No one remains exactly the same for their entire lives. And many of us meet our spouses when they were much younger than they are today. So they might seem full of life, rebellious, or adventurous when we first meet them. But then many years later, they may be settled and somewhat more conservative. This is the natural order of things and it doesn’t always cause problems.

But it can be problematic if the changes in your spouse are particularly troubling to you or if they remind you of something (or someone) that causes a negative reaction in you.

I might hear from someone who says: “I grew up in the same neighborhood as my husband. I have known him for most of my life. As children, we used to play together because our mothers were very good friends. Because of this, I spent a lot of time at his childhood home and I know both of his parents very well. I have never liked his father. He is stern, old fashioned, pompous, and very judgmental. Just his tone of voice grates on me. I used to avoid my husband’s house in the evenings because I knew that was when his father got home. And the atmosphere in the house would change then. The laughter would stop. And every one would get much more tense. One thing that I always loved about my husband was that he was much more like his mother, who is gentle and kind. His mom was always laughing and loved having the neighborhood kids over. So I assumed that my husband was going to be a spouse and a parent much like his own mother. He used to be that. When we were newly married and young parents, my husband was exactly what I anticipated. But, in the last five years or so, I see my husband’s father in him more and more. Lately, he always acts as if the world is out to get him or rip him off. He’s impatient and critical. Worse, when I hear my husband’s voice, that grating tone is the same as his father’s. It drives me crazy and it is a huge turn off. I know that the great irony of this is that I’m complaining about my husband’s critical personality while I am criticizing him. But I guess I am so disappointed because I always really disliked his dad. And I now I feel like I have a version of his dad living in my own home.”

What You Are Seeing Is Normal: There is an old saying that eventually, we all become our parents. I don’t believe this. And I really hope it’s not true because I would never want to be like my mother. I love my mom, but her outlook on life is very negative and as a result, people generally feel tense around her. Still, sometimes, when my reserves are down, I will hear something come out of my own mouth and it will literally stop me because it sounds JUST LIKE my mother. I’m always disappointed in myself because for years, I have vowed to never be anything like my mother.

But if you think about it, how could I not, at least in some ways, repeat what I grew up hearing? My mother was my same-sex role model for nearly 18 years. When you grow up watching that person and experiencing how they live their lives and handle every day problems, then at least a little bit is bound to rub off on you, even if you reject much of their personality.

I suspect this is the case with your husband. This doesn’t make him a bad person. It doesn’t mean that he identifies with his father and has a similar personality or even similar beliefs. In fact, I would doubt this since his earlier personality reflected his mother.

But, it is a little too easy to resort to negative patterns and examples in times of stress, even if that is the last thing that we want or intend to do. I would suspect that your husband’s father comes out in him when he is anxious, scared, or angry.   Your husband may have a more strong mental picture of his father in tense situations – since his mother was not often in tense situations, being the kinder and more optimistic of the two.

Understanding this is important because it helps you at least feel a little bit of empathy.  And it may help you to understand that your husband isn’t necessarily a bad person and that he doesn’t necessarily suddenly have his father’s personality. He hasn’t morphed into his father. He has just seen this behavior for large amounts of his formative years, so it can’t help but come out sometimes.

Think just for a second if you have ever sounded like your own mother. I believe that we all have, even if we don’t realize it. I am not telling you this to suggest that it’s fine for your husband to act like his dad. I’m just saying that it’s natural and very common.

Putting An End To This In A Positive Way: But the real issue is how to get it to stop, or at least tone it down a little so that it doesn’t continue to erode your marriage. The first part of my suggestion would be to not sound critical when you bring this up. The last thing you want to do is to go in all angry and say something like: “do you hear yourself? You sound exactly like your father. And it drives me nuts. You know that I hate your father.”

My husband does something in this situation which is pretty effective and it doesn’t deteriorate our relationship. He brings this to my attention in a joking way. My mother is a worrier who always sees everything as a borderline disaster. In some situations, I can be this way. When this comes up and it’s driving my husband nuts, he’ll address me using my mother’s name.  He’ll say: “yes (my mother’s name,) everything is just awful.”

That’s his way of telling me that I’m sounding like my mom. But he says it jokingly. I get the message. But neither of us are angry. You might try a similar approach and insert your husband’s father’s name when he’s acting like him. So if your husband were being impatient and his dad’s name was Bob, you’d say, “Hold up Bob, it’s not as bad as all that.”

Is There Something More?: Finally, if this doesn’t help and you don’t get relief when you use humor, ask yourself if this really is the core of the problem. Maybe the voice is just a trigger that signals anger at your husband for something else. But you can’t fix it until you address what it really is.

Paying attention to the core of the problem is vital.  I am not saying that a deeper problem is at play here.  But in my case, there was.  Not admitting and addressing the core problems and fighting over things that had nothing to do with our core angers lead to a separation that I deeply regret.  It is easier to fix something while still together than while separated. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Often when you know that you are losing patience with your spouse and are becoming unhappy in your marriage, you suspect that the best thing to do is to be honest.  So, you share your unhappiness with them in the hopes that they will promise to change.  In a perfect world, they make good on their promises and you are able to move on.  But what happens if they don’t and you call them on this?  And then they are begging for a second chance or a do over?”

Someone might explain: “honestly, our problems all started when my husband lost his job over two years ago.  I know, you’re probably thinking that two years is a plenty of time to find a new job and to recover.  That’s what I would think too.  But losing that job really did something to my husband.  He found a new job.  But it’s at about a fourth of the salary he used to make.  And I know this makes my husband feel very badly about himself.  I understand that.  But what I don’t understand is the behavior that goes along with it.  He’s started smoking again and occasionally drinking.  I do not approve of either of these things – especially since I’m looking to start a family.  When this first started, I was very candid with my husband and I told him that I could easily deal with his job loss.  But I could not deal with his change in personality.  He told me that he would change.  He said that he was just coping with the stress as best as he could.  Well, I waited six months and I watched him very closely.  I would say that he took about two weeks off of going out with his new loser friends, but then he was right back at it.  I have lost all patience with this.  It’s as if he is determined to feel bad and then to act bad.  I told him that I think we should separate.  That’s when he begged me to give him a second chance.  In my mind, I already have given him a chance.  And he didn’t take it.  My mom is telling me I owe it to both of us to give him one more opportunity to be himself again.  But I feel like this would be him taking advantage of me.  I have given him time.  Why should I give him another chance if I’ve been nothing but patient already?”

I can’t make the decision for you.  I’m very much supportive of saving marriages and that’s always my hope.  But there are always exceptions, especially if something about the marriage is harmful to you and is never going to change.

That said, although it appears that the husband is having trouble changing, I don’t think it’s impossible for him to do so.  Losing a job is almost like losing your identity.  It can be very catastrophic.  And people can have a great deal of difficulty redefining themselves and moving on in a healthy way.  It is hard to see where you need to change objectively because it is hard to clearly see patterns and mistakes within yourself.  Many people struggle with this.  It is not unique to your husband.

And that would be the point I would make in giving him a second chance.  You may be asking him to do something which is very difficult to do on his own.  I could see turning your back if he had refused counseling, but he hasn’t.  I would suggest it might make sense to see if getting some objective help would make any difference.  Even if you don’t want or can’t afford mental health counseling, many cities offer free job search counseling and support.  And I am not talking about help finding another job exactly.  I’m talking about dealing emotionally with the loss of your identity. Because until he regains his sense of self worth, it is going to be difficult for him to change.  He has to think highly enough of himself to do this.

I suspect that he feels badly about himself and his new self destructive behaviors are the direct result of that.  So, it’s going to be hard for him to give up these behaviors until he regains some self confidence.  Also, it is much easier for people to give up habits and behaviors if they replace those with something else.  He may need help finding a suitable, but more appropriate, replacement.  A third party can help him with this.

Again, I am not telling you that you absolutely have to give another chance.  That is not my call to make and I do not know enough about the situation.  I am only suggesting that if he has been a good man and husband before he lost his job, then perhaps it makes sense to see if you can get him some help in returning to that person. I suspect he doesn’t like this new version of himself either.  But when you are caught in a self defeating cycle, it can be hard to escape it without some objective help.

Honestly, when my husband told me he wanted a separation, I was shocked.  My shock was partly due to the fact that I could not see my patterns and behaviors objectively.  I was too close to it.  Getting a third party opinion made all of the difference.  It opened my eyes to things that were right in front of me, but also were invisible to me.  And it definitely was one of the reasons I was able to save my marriage.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It is difficult to listen to your spouse complain about a flaw that he sees within you.  This is especially true if you disagree about the severity of the flaw and have trouble controlling it.  Most of the time, this is a reoccurring frustration.

However, sometimes this issue escalates to the point where it is potentially a deal-breaker in your marriage.  Sometimes your spouse becomes sure that he can not deal with this perceived flaw anymore.  He may also believe that it is never going to change and so he considers separating or ending your marriage because of it.

Here’s a typical scenario to show you what I mean.  A husband may feel that his wife does not truly listen to him.  He may also accuse her of neglecting him. Because of this, he might feel that she can’t possibly provide what he wants.  She might explain: “when my husband and I were dating, he would tease me that I am in my own little world.  He seemed to think that this was cute.  I admit that it is my nature to only be able to focus on one thing at a time.  And although my husband has always noticed this about me, it wasn’t a huge issue in the beginning.  Once we had been married for a little while, my husband started complaining that I have ‘selective listening’ and that I don’t make a habit of truly listening to or paying attention to him.  Therefore, I tend to forget things that are important to him or occasionally have no clue what he is talking about.  The other day, I came home and noticed that my husband was all dressed up. I asked him what was going on.  He angrily told me that we were supposed to go to an office party and that he had mentioned this to me several times.  He then angrily commented that I never listen to him.  He claims I never make him my priority. He said that he’s so tired of it that he does not know if he wants to be in our marriage anymore.  He was cold to me the entire night and he’s not yet gotten over it.  He is still carrying on about possibly separating.  I asked him if he was going to end our marriage over one little thing.  He said that this was not a little thing for him.  He said that it’s not unreasonable to expect your spouse to care enough to listen to you.  The thing is, I do care about my husband.  I care very much.  But I do tend to be in my own world and I live in my own head.  I tune out a lot, but I don’t mean to.  How can I fix this?”

Understand Why This Is A Big Deal To Your Spouse: I can relate to what you are going through. I believe that some personality types have trouble focusing on several things at once.  I too tend to live in my own head quite a bit. I was the kid who was always daydreaming in class. And then I would get called on by the teacher and have no idea what she was asking me. I wouldn’t call myself ignoring her or neglecting my responsibilities. It just can be difficult for me to hold several things simultaneously.

The thing is, there are some occasions where zoning out is no big deal. But when you are dealing with your spouse feeling valued and heard, then it becomes a very big deal.  If someone feels that you don’t care enough to listen and pay attention, this is going to seriously damage your marriage.

Part of the draw of being married is feeling loved and understood.  Without that, people tend to check out of their marriages or seek validation elsewhere.  This is not what you want.

I can’t tell you that changing your inclination to zone out is easy.  It isn’t.  But it can be done.  I have had some success in doing it, although I admit that occasionally, I catch myself resorting back to daydreaming.

The trick is to train yourself to give the person you’re with your full attention at the time.  It is easier to do this with children because they truly do NEED your full attention.  It is harder to do this with adults because they do not.  However, when you are talking about something as important as your marriage, you need to prioritize this skill.

How To Separate Important Aspects Of Your Life So You Can Give Them Your Attention When You Need To: Over time, I have learned to make time for my daydreaming and creative output. I write and journal in the morning when my husband is gone.  I prioritize this time because I need to get everything out.  I do not miss a day, not ever.  Because this is a non-negotiable habit, I do not need to daydream or live in my own head as much.  I know that I have my scheduled time.   And if something pops up, I know that there is always tomorrow.  So it’s easier for me to give my husband more of my attention when we are together.

It’s important to learn to be present in the moment that is right in front of you.  This takes practice.  But it’s vital.  It’s not unreasonable for your husband to want to be heard or to want your attention.  There are many phone apps that help to teach you to be present in the moment.  My favorite is headspace and it’s free to sign up and try it out.

Right now, your most immediate obstacle is convincing your husband that you take this issue seriously and that you can and will change.  You might try: “honey, the last thing that I want is for you to feel that I don’t hear you.  Or to feel neglected. I promise that I will make this my highest priority.  I tend to zone out and I’m going to work very hard on that. I know that this makes you feel as if you are not important to me, but nothing could be further from the truth.  I intend to show you real change and not just words.  And I apologize for forgetting about your work function.  It will not happen again.”

Of course, when you make these types of promises, you have to back them up.  And you have to understand that your husband is trying to get your attention.  He likely wants to be heard more than he wants a divorce.  Listen carefully.  Give him your undivided attention when you are together.  And when he mentions something important, make notes to remind yourself.  When he sees that you are making a real effort, this situation should improve.

Listening is one of the most essential skills that any spouse can have.  Your marriage should be where your spouse feels heard and cared for.  Never underestimate this need and never take it for granted.  I did and it almost ended my marriage.  That is why I stress taking care of issues immediately rather than waiting.  Because waiting almost meant I got a divorce. You can read about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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