Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are constantly being told how very unhappy their spouse is. It seems that their husband never passes up an opportunity to let them know exactly how miserable the marriage is making him. And yet, it seems that all he is doing is talking with no real goal or objective. Nothing changes. He just releases the hurtful words and continues on, with no changes on the horizon.

Needless to say, this can be very frustrating and hurtful. Because he can lay it on so thickly, you can begin to wonder why someone who is obviously so unhappy would not only retain the marriage, but take no action at all.

Here’s what I mean. Here’s a description of this type of scenario: “For about the last six months, nothing that I do makes my husband happy. He takes every opportunity he has to tell me just how unhappy I make him and just how unhappy he is in our marriage. He will say things like: ‘we never do anything exciting. All we do is fight. It’s like living with a roommate that you don’t even like. Sometimes I wonder if we should have never gotten married. Sometimes, I think that we are not compatible at all.’ And then he will just sulk. I will try to engage him, but he makes it clear that he is done. It’s as if all he wanted to do was to hurt me by having his say and then he wants to just end the conversation. This is maddening to me. Because nothing ever changes, but he never shuts up about it. If he’s not going to pursue a divorce, then why does he keep yapping about it? What is the point?”

I understand your frustration. You feel that, at this point, he’s just going on and on to be hurtful and annoying. And I could understand why you feel that way. But there may be some other reasons that he’s all talk and no action.

Understanding His Motivations: Have you ever considered the possibility that perhaps he wants change but does not want a divorce? Perhaps he isn’t mention the “d word” (divorce) or the “s word” (separation) because he doesn’t even want to go there? I am by no means defending your husband. But I think that it is possible that he is continuing to complain because he doesn’t know how else to get a resolution. And clearly, he really wants a resolution.

Since he’s not given you any indication that he isn’t just biding his time about pursuing  a divorce, I don’t think that there’s necessarily a reason to panic.  But from experience, I learned that it’s always a bad idea to assume that your husband will never pursue a divorce.

From Someone Who Has Been There, Words Are Better Than Facing A Divorce: I know how frustrating this is. I developed the habit of blocking my own husband out in my own marriage because we fell into a pattern sort of like this one. Nothing seemed to change. And we sort of got into this awful pattern of complaints, resentment, and stagnation.

You almost get to the point where you feel like you want something drastic to happen just to get you out of your holding pattern. But I can tell you first hand that a separation is not a good way to end this. I ended up separated and there were times where I would have gladly have returned to my holding pattern of complaints. Unfortunately, at that time, my husband did not appear to be willing to go back.

Taking The Initiative To End The Habit: It may be that if you are waiting for some action to break this frustrating holding pattern, you may have to be the one who breaks it. You might start by asking yourself what is really bothering your husband and what he truly wants. This is harder than it sounds. At times, people are just blowing off steam. But many times, there is a reasoning behind their words, even if they are not being forthcoming about those reasons.

If you can determine what is truly bothering him, than you’ve made the first step toward getting out of this pattern. Once you know what is motivating him, you can figure out what he truly wants. And you can evaluate how easy or hard it will be to provide this. Sometimes, it truly is an easy compromise to restore harmony. Other times, you have to work a little harder.

Make Sure Your Conversations Involve Real Talking, Not Just Spoken Words: If you truly don’t know what is at the core of this, then it makes sense to change up the tenor of the conversation. Sometimes, you think that you are talking, when really, you are not. The two of you are just sort of spewing words and relying on the same script, but nothing real is being said.

To change that up, you might try something like: “I hear what you are saying, I truly do. But I think that we have gotten in the habit of saying vague things that we can’t act upon. We need to talk in specifics. We need to get very precise on what is truly wrong. When you say that we never do anything, I need for you to change that up and say or define what you want to be doing. When you say that you don’t think that we are compatible, I need for you to be specific as to what is bothering you the most. Where are the most troublesome differences and what can we do to fix them? Because obviously, just listing our grievances isn’t doing us any good. We both deserve a happy marriage where we are both satisfied. So our conversations need to be less of a laundry list of our complaints and more of a brainstorming session as to how we can fix them. Can we make those adjustments? Because I really want for things to change for the better for us. And I feel that with just a few adjustments, we can do this.”

It’s not easy to break the habits you’ve gotten into. You have to watch one another and then remind one another when you resort to old habits. But with practice, you can learn to have constructive conversations instead of just gripe sessions. And I think you have to find it meaningful that he hasn’t pursued a divorce. Perhaps he doesn’t want one. Perhaps with his complaints, he is really trying to bring about change, but he doesn’t know how.

I wish that I had taken my own suggestions.  My own husband was probably more patient than I gave him credit for, but I started tuning him out.  When he couldn’t get my attention with his complaints, we eventually separated.  Of course, I wanted to turn back time at that point, but could not.  Saving my marriage seemed almost impossible then, but I eventually did it. You can read how I did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I hear from a lot of wives who are dealing with a cold, indifferent, aloof, or distant husband.  In some cases, the marriage is struggling.  Occasionally, the husband has a sort of standoffish personality and he acts in this distant way toward most people. However, in many cases, the wife can not help but notice that he seems to save this cold and aloof persona specifically for her.  She can’t help but notice that her husband is the sweetest, most caring, most demonstrative man in the world to everyone else — except for her.

She might say: “for the past year or so, my husband has been extremely cold and nasty to me.  At first I thought that maybe something personal was going on with him and that it would pass.  Then I thought that it was my imagination.  But then other people started to notice it.  My next door neighbor actually asked me if we had marital problems.  That’s when I really started to notice how he acted around me.  I tried asking him what was wrong.  He acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about.  So when I started pointing out specific instances where he had slighted me or treated me badly, he acted like I was criticizing him or being overly-sensitive. I am not sure how far to take this.  If I really push and get mean or insistent about it, then he may be more mean to me.  I don’t want to give ultimatums and threaten my marriage.  I WANT my marriage. But I want my marriage in the way that it used to be.  He honestly used to be sweet to me.  He was never the most demonstrative man.  He’s never liked PDA.  But he has no problem kissing, hugging, and praising our kids.  But he can’t seem to do the same for me.  I’ve asked if I’ve done something to upset him, but he gives me a terse denial.  What would make a husband be mean, distant, or cold to only his wife? I just do not understand this.”

I could certainly give you some theories.  But obviously, you are the person closest to your marriage and to your husband.  So only you can determine what the most likely scenario is (or if any of the suggestions below ring true to you.)

He May Be Reacting To Some Identifiable Disappointment: The easiest guess would be that, somewhere along the line, your husband felt that you disappointed or let him down in a big way, which has resulted in him completely changing his stance around you.  If you have asked yourself if this is possible and you don’t think that it is and can’t remember any possible mistake that you could have made, here are some other theories.

Vague Disappointment In His Life That He Is Taking Out On You:  Let’s face it.  When people have been married for a while, there is a tendency to take your spouse for granted.  You begin treating complete strangers better than your own spouse sometimes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone is this scenario is a bad person if they are doing this.  It can just mean that they have become complacent and overly comfortable.

There is also a tendency to take out our disappointments and our pain in life out on those who we love or on those who are closest to us.  This doesn’t make it right.  But it is very common.  It is possible that there is something in your husband’s life – his job, his extended family, his health, or his place in the world – which has greatly disappointed him. He might be taking that disappointment out on you without realizing it.

Loss Of Empathetic Feelings – Particularly Toward You:  I hesitate to even bring this up.  But sometimes, when a couple loses the closeness and intimacy between them, it is much easier to lash out at one another.  If he isn’t feeling loving or empathetic feelings toward you, it is going to be easier for him to be distant and cruel.  I can’t speculate as to whether or not this is the case, but you may want to keep a watch out to evaluate whether or not this may be the case.  If it is, then you may want to try a strategy meant for bringing back the intimacy in your marriage.

I know that this may sound crass, but take a look at your sex life.  Men are who are fulfilled in that way are often more sweet to their wives because they are being consistently motivated to do so.  Of course, you want this to be mutually fulfilling for both of you, but often fixing your sex life is a way to quick-start him treating you more in alignment with how you want to be treated.  It sounds very simplistic, but I think you might be pleasantly surprised at how well it works.  (And it is easier to try it while your husband is still present than it might be if this morphs into a bigger problem.)

You want to avoid trying to force him to be move loving or criticizing him when he isn’t.  As we all know, the more you try to force someone into something, the more they resist and the more of the negative behavior that you will often get.  (So you might find him being even more cold if you try this strategy.) Instead, you want to try positive reinforcement when you can.  If you ever catch him being loving or having a positive response to you, do something nice or something that you know will reinforce this.  In short, you are trying to condition him to make it his inclination and natural tendency to come closer rather than to come further away.

Also, watch your regular, day-to-day interactions closely.  Notice the times and the behaviors that get a positive response.  And then, make it a point to do more of those things.  It may sound daunting, but these small adjustments can allow you to make gradual and meaningful changes.

I know that these things may sound simplistic, but I had to use some of them when things got so bad that my husband and I separated.  When we slide back into bad habits, I revisit them once again.  You can read more about our hard-fought reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who are fully aware that they have a wonderful spouse whom many other people would consider a “catch.”

While it’s a common perception that most people who aren’t happy in their marriage are dealing with a spouse who is lacking in some way, this just isn’t always the case. I can’t tell you how much correspondence I get from people who tell me that their dissatisfaction with their marriage is not their spouse’s fault. In fact, many of them will defend their spouse and outline just how wonderful their spouse really is. Despite this though, they have to admit that they just aren’t happy. And they aren’t sure how to handle it.

You might hear this situation demonstrated this way: “honestly, all of the my girlfriends are jealous of my marriage. My husband is the sweetest man imaginable. He cooks. He leaves me sweet love letters. He is always complimenting me. He is so thoughtful. I hear many of my coworkers complain about husbands who are slobs and who don’t make any effort in their marriage. But my husband is just the opposite. He can’t do enough for me. He is always on high alert as to my feelings and what he can do to help me. Most of my girlfriends say they would give anything if their own husbands were just a fraction of the husband that mine is. And I know that they are right. I can’t think of anything bad to list about my husband because there isn’t anything. One time, I told my mother that my husband was ‘too nice’ and she acted like I was the most evil person imaginable. She told me that I was very ungrateful and that if I was not careful, my husband would find another woman that was more appreciative of him. The thing is, I am fully aware that my mother is right. My husband is absolutely great. But, I can’t deny that I am not happy. I’m just not. There’s just something missing. When I am being very honest with myself, I think that maybe we should separate for a while. But maybe that is crazy talk. Who would risk giving up a spouse like this?”

Getting Perspective: First of all, I want to stress that whatever feelings you have are valid. Even if you don’t feel safe or justified in sharing them for the fear that they are going to sound silly, give yourself permission to feel them and acknowledge them in the privacy of your own thoughts. You can’t fix something if you can’t be honest about it. That doesn’t mean that you have to announce the same to anyone else. But admitting it to yourself is the first step toward getting some relief.

Next, I have to tell you that although I suspect that you have heard what I have to say before, I still feel compelled to say it. Please bear with me. I get so much correspondence from people who tell me that their spouse is cruel, insensitive, and uncaring. I hear from so many people who say that their spouse all but ignores them, doesn’t show them any affection, or offer them any regular consideration.

I have people tell me that their spouse makes them feel invisible and not appreciated. I am not telling you this to imply that you don’t have any problems. If you are not happy, then clearly, you do. But I do want to give you some perspective. Couples who treat each other poorly have so much more work to do. Couples who already treat one another with mutual respect and care usually just have a little tweaking to do.

Looking Inside: I will admit that I’m not a counselor. However, when people indicate that they aren’t happy with their marriage and then recount a loving spouse, then I ask myself if they don’t have another stressor in their life that hasn’t yet been identified.

Many of us project our stress, disappointments, boredom, and general unhappiness onto our marriage or our spouse. I actually catch myself doing this quite a bit. If I am stuck with a work project or there is something that I’m just missing but I can’t quite grasp it, you can bet that I’m going to be short tempered with just about every one who I care about.

During work troubles, I find things about perfectly wonderful people that just annoy me.  My work frustrations have nothing to do with them. And at the time, I can’t see what I’m doing. But when that puzzle at work comes together, guess what? Suddenly all is right with my loved on or with my relationship once again.

Before you do something drastic, it might make sense to ask yourself if there is any area of your life where you could be projecting your own frustrations.  It’s important to understand that your happiness truly is your own responsibility. Yes, your spouse can enhance it and share it. But if you are unhappy within yourself, then the best spouse in the world is not going to give you happiness.

Feel Safe To Be Honest: Finally, the wife here mentioned that she thought her husband was too nice, but she backed off of that thought because she didn’t want to be ungrateful. This might be something worth exploring. You can’t change who your spouse is and you shouldn’t try. But you can change some of your circumstances and day to day interactions in order to bring out more assertiveness in your husband. And when he shows you some of these behaviors, make sure he knows that this is a turn on to you. Because once he sees some positive reinforcement for assertiveness, he will find more opportunities to assert himself.

Honestly, I believe my husband felt the same thoughts toward me before our separation.  He stressed that I was a wonderful spouse and that he loved me.  But there was something missing.  We separated and we both worked on ourselves.  And we both found that we were doing a lot of projecting. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, there are some wives out there who would do absolutely anything to be separated. And the reason for this is that these women are facing a divorce. So although no one really wants to be separated, sometimes it seems to be a pretty good alternative when the only other option would be a divorce. However, it’s not always easy to convince a husband who wants a divorce to take this option.

One of these wives might explain: “I am desperately trying to talk my husband into separating. I feel that this is the logical thing to do. Rushing into a divorce could be a big mistake that would be hard to undo. But if we separate, he can have his space and there is a chance that we may eventually decide divorce isn’t for us. But if he goes straight to pursuing a divorce, we are taking about the most drastic path without even trying to make it work. But when I try to explain this to my husband, he tells me that I’m just stalling and that a separation would only waste time and delay the inevitable. He said that a divorce or a separation would BOTH be a large adjustment.  He doesn’t understand why anyone would want to make the adjustment twice – once for separating and once for divorce. It drives me crazy that he is just willing to accept a divorce without a fight. How do I get him to see that his thinking is too drastic?”

This is a tough one. Because sometimes it seems as if the more you push for a separation, the more he resists and wants a divorce. So you end up getting him to pursue the divorce when your intention was exactly the opposite. It’s a very tough call to make – knowing how much you can push and when you absolutely need to back off.

Evaluate Where You Are:  I’d suggest asking yourself if you’ve already given the separation argument your best shot. Have you offered a short compromise with a set deadline? Sometimes, this is easier for him to take. Instead of just asking him to separate for an open ended period of time (which isn’t likely to be appealing to him,) try to ask him to give you a few months. This allows him to see that there is an end in sight if things don’t work out and it’s a decent compromise.

Divorce Is Not Instantaneous: If this doesn’t work and he is still resistant, there are a couple of things that you might keep in mind. First, divorce is not instantaneous. I’m certainly not an attorney, but my understanding is that in some states, some of the filings require a 30 day wait period. Plus, there is a wait between when one party files the documents and the next party responds. We’ll all heard of divorces taking a long period of time until they are complete. Also, some states require mediation and encourage counseling or parenting classes before the divorce process can be complete. This often helps, not only in terms of navigating the divorce, but with dealing with one another in a more positive way.

The Balancing Act: All of these things can help to buy you at least some time. Of course, you have to make the most of this time. I know that it’s tempting to try to use this time to argue or try to force him to see things your way. But I have learned from experience that this often does not work. You are better off, at least in my opinion and from what worked for me, to appear to cooperate so that you have access to him. And, then in a round-about and not-so obvious-way, trying different things in order to help your cause.

He likely will not be resistant to you because you are cooperating and since you will likely be getting along a little better because of this, you may have an easier time making headway. I know that it’s a hard balance – you have to take small baby steps as you are able in a tight time period before you are divorced. It does take some finesse.

But often times, we have to work with the situation that we have. And we have to watch him very closely to see what he is responding to and what he is not. When you get a good reaction, that is an indication to do more of whatever gave you the good reaction – as you are able to. When there’s a bad reaction, it doesn’t make sense to keep going down that path – especially when time is short.

In my case, what worked was the opposite of what I was inclined to do. I felt that I had to rush, and push, and panic. This made things so much worse. When I calmed down, appeared to cooperate, and gave him his space, that is when he opened up a little and that is when I could make my progress. Doing the opposite thing felt scary and wrong at times. But I honestly think that if I had kept pushing and arguing, I would not be married today. I honestly think that the combative and argumentative stance was the riskier approach. There’s more of this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, it becomes obvious that saving your marriage is going to be a solo job. This often happens when your spouse is not interested or invested in making any changes to your marriage. Occasionally, this is because your spouse may believe that the marriage is over and that nothing can be done to save it. Other times, it may mean that although you both know that your marriage is struggling and could use some huge improvements, your spouse is not willing to go through the effort to change things. Right now, he’d rather just keep things the way that they are – no matter how bad. And this can leave you in the frustrating position of having to bear the load of the work all on your own. It’s natural to ask yourself why you should go through the effort if he’s not willing to do the same.

A wife might say: “I am not going to mince words here. My marriage is absolutely awful. My husband and I never talk anymore. He doesn’t seem to care about what happens in our marriage. Being with him just isn’t pleasurable anymore. We used to travel and enjoy ourselves. Now, I’d almost prefer to travel alone than with him. Because I know that it is just going to be tense – with no enjoyment involved. The other day, one of our adult children was over and she could not help but notice how things had deteriorated between us. She is a newlywed so the state of our marriage appalls and saddens her. She very directly told us that we needed to work on our marriage. I agreed immediately. I am more than willing to commit to this. After she left my husband said: ‘you can do what you want, but I’m not doing any work on anything. We’re too old and set in our ways to make any changes.’ This angers me. And it almost makes me want to do nothing also. Because I don’t think it’s fair for me to do everything while he sits there and does nothing. Why should I work on our marriage when he refuses?”

I understand your reluctance. In the early stages of saving my marriage, I was completely on my own. My husband had no interest because the marriage truly was over in his mind. And there was some resentment on my part because I felt very lonely and discouraged – like I was the only one who cared. However, I went ahead anyway and I’m glad that I did because I now have a different, and far better, marriage that makes me much happier.  And allows me to not feel so much anxiety and worry. Below, I’ll tell you why I think that you should plow forward anyway, even though we both know it’s not exactly fair.

Anything That Will Improve Your Life And Well Being Is Worth Doing – Even If You Have To Do It Alone: From my own experience, I truly believe that you can make real and significant changes to your marriage by yourself. Sure, it’s optimal to have your spouse’s cooperation. But I don’t think that it’s completely necessary.  You can still see some changes that you initiate. And yes, it stinks that you have to do this alone. But think about it this way. If your house were falling down around you, would you sit and just let it fall if no one would help you? Of course not, you’d fix it – alone if you had to – because your home is important to you. The same thinking should hold true here.

Sometimes, All It Takes Is One: Many people believe that there isn’t a lot that one person can do when it comes to your marriage. Well, I disagree. Often, when you change your mind set, you then change your behaviors without very much effort. And when you change your behaviors, your spouse can not help but react differently to you – even if he is making no effort at all. This alone can dramatically change the dynamic. And once he sees these changes that required nothing of him, he is much more likely to begin to put in a little effort – which leads me to my next point.

Usually, Once Your Spouse Sees You Having Success, He Will Follow Along: As I alluded to earlier, many times, you can bring about important change yourself. When your spouse sees this and when they realize that the process wasn’t so hard after all, they will often begin to make an effort. They don’t always make a huge announcement about this. You may not hear him say something like: ‘ I was wrong, and if you will allow me to, I’m ready to work on our marriage now.’ You may never hear these words. But you might see him making an effort to be more receptive to you. He may change the way he speaks to and acts around you. He may stop doing the things that he knows adds tension to your marriage or causes conflict. Because you have been able to show him how much nicer and easier your marriage (and life) can be when just a little effort has been made.

So yes, while I agree having to start the process yourself isn’t fair, I’d still encourage you to do it. Because an improved marriage can also improve your life. So it doesn’t make sense to allow your resentment to keep you from setting this into motion. I understand feeling reluctant.  I experienced this too.  But I knew that if I could have a better marriage in the end, I was willing to do it.  I decided working hard and remaining married was better than doing nothing and being divorced.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I hear from a lot of separated wives (and occasionally husbands too,) who are looking for hope that their marriage can be saved.  Many are researching what it takes to save a marriage and are looking for inspirational stories of couples who have actually done this.  Often, they are looking for a common thread or a common theme that runs through these saved marriages.  Because they are looking to compare their own against them to see if it stands a chance.

I understand the inclination to do this because I did it also.  However, I’d like to offer a word of caution.  Many people do this little searching expedition and come away thinking that only the most loving and committed couples save their marriages.  And of course, this belief causes discouragement.  Because at the moment, this description might not be applicable to your marriage.

I’d like to reassure you that not all couples who save their marriages are loving, committed, or even remotely determined at the time.  Many are reluctant, doubtful, and very noncommittal.  So while it’s absolutely fine to look for themes or commonalities,  I don’t want any of the research to make you discouraged.  The truth is, ALL types of couples can (and do) save their marriages.  Below, I will list some common themes that I see in the hopes that you will see what I mean.

At Least One Person Was Willing To Delay Action And To Not Act Swiftly:  Honestly, sometimes both spouses go into a separation having doubts about the marriage.  Both spouses can think that divorce is definitely in the future. But it only takes one person to think: “OK, right now things look bleak.  But this is my marriage that I’m talking about.  So I don’t want to make a snap decision.” This type of thinking by only one spouse can turn everything around.   Even when you have one person pushing pretty hard to shut your marriage down (as I felt that my husband did sometimes,) you often only need one person to try to initiate a delay.  Sometimes, that delay makes all of the difference.  Not every time, of course.  But sometimes.

You Have At Least One Partner Who Is Willing To Come Up With And Follow A Plan Toward Change:  Most people think that in order to save your marriage, both people have to passionately believe in the marriage and be committed to tirelessly saving it.  Well, these things would be wonderful.  But many couples do not have these things, at least at the same time.  To start though, you sometimes just need one spouse who is willing to take inventory, to identify some of the things that are wrong, and to take steps to inspire some improvement.  Now, these small steps may not save your marriage by themselves.  But what they can do is to eventually allow your spouse to have a change in perception – where he sees that things aren’t as dire as they once were.  Once you show someone that change is actually possible, sometimes that person will take pause or reevaluate, and sometimes, that is all that you need.

At Least One Spouse Who Is Willing To Learn A New, Or Better Way:  Once you’ve identified the issues and made a somewhat successful attempt to fix them,  you’ll want to make sure that you don’t head into troubled waters again.  One way to do that is to learn new ways of communicating, negotiating, or resolving conflict – depending on what the issues were to begin with.

I know what you might be thinking – how can one person save a marriage? Doesn’t it require work and effort from both people?  Yes, this is ideal.  And in order for the changes or improvements to “stick,” both people are going to have to eventually get with the program.  But you don’t always have two gung-ho people initially.   Sometimes, one person begins the process and the other doesn’t get onboard until he’s sure that it can actually work.  Also, sometimes you have to sort of ease a husband into the changes.  In fact, not all husbands realize the presence of all of the changes that are taking place at the time.

This is often a gradual process where progress is made as it is able to be made.  Sometimes, your marriage is not going to be able to withstand all of this scrutiny and all of these broad, sweeping changes at once.  Requiring the same will often overwhelm a spouse who is reluctant to save your marriage in the first place.  So you need to go forward as you able – not making any rash decisions and making those improvements that you can make all on your own.  The hope is that once you do these things, life will become obviously more pleasant and your spouse will eventually be open to the changes and improvements also.  Thus, before you know it, your marriage will be saved without either of you having to make a big announcement about it.

This may run counter to the belief that you have to have two very determined and committed people sitting in a counselor’s office every other day.  This may not jive with the belief that both people still need to think that they are deeply in love and endlessly committed.  Don’t get me wrong.  These things are great.  But I am proof that these things, though wonderful, are not necessarily required – especially at first.

You can read more about my very sloppy, mistake-laden attempt at saving my marriage (which eventually worked) at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It would be ideal if both separated spouses decided at exactly the same time that it’s time to reconcile.  But this is rarely what happens.  Usually, one spouse is sure that they want to save the marriage while another still has doubts – sometimes very serious ones.

And the spouse with the doubts can feel very guilty to go ahead and proceed with a divorce when the other spouse is so motivated and determined to make things work.  This is especially true if there are children involved.

A wife might explain: “honestly, at first I was not sure if I wanted a separation.  Actually, it was my husband who first brought it up.  It had become very obvious that we had grown apart. We weren’t exactly fighting.  But we were no longer loving either.  It was like living with an acquaintance that you find pleasant but are really only tolerating.  So I knew that we had serious problems.  Which is why I didn’t really fight the separation.  Still, in the back of my mind, my hope was that we would eventually get back together.  I hoped that the separation would find me missing him and remembering the good times. Well, this must be what has happened for him because he’s wanting to reconcile all of a sudden.  He says that this has made him realize that he does not want to be alone and that he wants for us to be a family again.  We have two children and they have had a very hard time adjusting.  They are very upset.  I feel that they would adjust in time.  And I have to admit that I have honestly enjoyed this separation.  The peace and quiet has been a relief.  I am leaning toward thinking that I do not want to reconcile.  It hurts me to say this.  But I think that it is true.  However, I do not want to tell my husband this.  It’s sweet that he misses me.  And I do have concern for my children.  At the same time though, I can’t just pretend that I want to reconcile.  What do I do?  How is there common ground here?”

I will very freely admit that I am not looking at this from the point of view from the spouse who wants to move away from the marriage.  I was the spouse who wanted to save the marriage more than anything.  So I am biased.  You need to know that because I want you to know that what I’m going to say comes from a place of trying to save a marriage first.

That said, I do believe that regardless of my background, I would still think that it is a bit soon to make such an important decision as whether or not to walk away from your marriage and to alter your family.  It does not appear that a lot of time has passed.  It’s normal to feel some relief at first.  When there’s been conflict, it can feel like dropping a heavy weight not to feel that anymore.  But, sometimes if you give it a little more time, that novelty or relief wears off and it gives way to loneliness and missing your spouse.  We all go through different stages during a separation.

Of course, some people never come to miss or long for their spouse enough to reconcile.  And if you have truly given it time and done everything in your power to make it work, then you can walk away with that knowledge, which is comforting and which is important for your future relationships.

But if you act prematurely and just act off of a quick feeling early on in the process, you may always wonder.  Especially when you have a spouse who is willing to work with you and you are not dealing with very troubling problems like infidelity or addictions.  Not feeling love and passion is often a sign of neglect and complacency in your marriage.  We all experience it sometimes.  And it seems so normal and harmless at the time.  But it harms your marriage.  This can fixed.  And when one of you is motivated, that’s an important first step.

You don’t have to reconcile simply because your spouse wants to.  But I think that if you are still early in the process, you might feel a little better if you just waited and watched for a while to see what might happen next.  You may find that given a few more weeks and a little more solitude, you might feel differently.  If not, then you will know that you didn’t act too swiftly.

I know that your spouse probably wants a quick resolution. (I know this because when I missed my own husband I was so hopeful that he would quickly decide that he missed me and then come home.)  But there is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you are not sure how you feel and that you are waiting to see how your feelings and your perceptions evolve.

Your spouse may be disappointed not to have a resolution, but leaving things open ended is better than having you abruptly say that you’re moving forward quickly.  Your spouse will likely be willing to show more patience if they know that the alternative is a divorce.

I often had problems being patient during my separation.  But I ultimately decided I would rather have patience than have a divorce.  In time we did reconcile and neither of us have any regrets. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you’re separated and you can’t help but notice that the phone rarely rings to interrupt the loneliness, you might find yourself doing what you said that you would never do – being up for almost anything when your separated spouse calls.

Even if you are angry with him or have vowed to let him have his space so that he has to come to you, those promises that you made to yourself might fly right out of the window when he comes calling.  Because the loneliness and the fear are starting to win.

Someone might lament: “some of my friends are telling me that I am too available to my separated husband.  I admit that I jump when he calls.  I admit that I have canceled plans with friends when he calls me at the last minute to do something. I admit that I completely let him off the hook with no consequences whatsoever when he bails on me.  But I do not feel that I am in any position to be picky or unavailable.  He doesn’t call and ask me to go to places all that often.  So when I do get a call or an invitation, I answer immediately and I agree to go.  I had to cancel on some girlfriends last Friday because of this.  They told me that I am simply ‘too available’ to my separated husband.  They say when he calls, I come running.  They say that he isn’t being very considerate to me and he certainly doesn’t seem to respect me since he seems to know that he can call at the last minute and I’m going to drop what I’m doing.  I do feel bad when I bail on my friends.  But I am afraid that if I turn him down, he’ll stop calling or inviting me places.  Are they right?  Am I too available?”

That’s really hard to say.  I can suggest some questions that you can ask yourself to help you determine if you are too available on your own terms.  But that is something that no one can classify but you.

Are You Truly Dropping Everything When He Calls?:  You want to ask yourself if each time he’s called and invited you somewhere, have you truly canceled on someone else each and every time?  Have you felt guilty or bad about having to do this because deep in your heart, you’ve known it’s wrong?

Is He Showing You A Lack Of Respect With His Requests?:  Sometimes, things truly do come up at the last minute and your husband has no choice but to give you a last minute request.  Perhaps tickets came through at the last second or someone else canceled on him with no notice.  These things do happen sometimes.  But it’s a red flag if his invitations are always last minute, as though you were his last resort instead of his first choice.

That is when you have to ask yourself if you’re seeing a lack of respect on his part.  If he could have given you advanced notice but didn’t, you want to ask yourself if you are allowing him to see you as his back up plan.  If you notice that things aren’t really improving after this last minute outings (and he isn’t getting any better about that advanced notice) then you want to ask yourself if you’re truly getting anything out of this in the long run.

Do You Feel That These Interactions Are Really Improving Things Between You?  Or Do You Feel Used?:  Is your husband only reaching out to you when he needs or wants something and then he goes right back to being distant again?  Or are you truly gaining some ground?  Does he only call you when he needs to vent or wants an ego boost? Or is he asking after your own well being and just wants to hear your voice?  It’s important to ask yourself why this is happening.  If he just misses you and wants to reach out regardless of etiquette, that’s different than him reaching out only when he feels lonely.

Turning The Tide If You Feel Taken Advantage Of:  If this trend really bothers you or you feel taken advantage of, it’s important to address this so that things don’t deteriorate.  The next time he calls you at the last possible second, you might want to say something like: “I would love to, but I already have plans.  If you had asked me at the beginning of the week before I made plans, I would definitely go. Can I take a rain check?  What about next week?”

This way, you are still planning the outing.  You could still go next week, but you are training him to give you advanced notice and to be more respectful.  I had to do this during my own separation. I used to pretty much be a door mat – just waiting for my husband at the expense of my own life.  It made me feel used.  Eventually, I started letting him call me more and I no longer canceled on my friends when he would call at the last second.  This was extremely scary.  I thought that the second I turned him down or delayed him, I would not get a second chance.  The fear was that he would simply stop asking.

That didn’t happen, though.  Instead, he actually pursued me more and I felt more in control.  I had my self respect back.  This put me in a position of strength instead of a position of weakness and it truly did make a difference. There’s more to the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s tricky when you know that your marriage is potentially in trouble, but you can’t talk to your spouse about the same.  You aren’t wanting to bring up your issues to cause problems or to end your marriage.  You want to bring up your issues so that you can save your marriage.  But your spouse doesn’t see it this way.

Because every time you try to bring up the issues in the hopes of coming up with a plan to fix them, your spouse gets defensive or argumentative.  So while your intention was to help your marriage, the result is that you have started a fight and now have an angry spouse – both of which are unfortunately hurting your marriage even more.  You start to wonder if you should just stop bringing it up at all because every time you try, he turns it around on you and twists your words into a weapon.

A wife might say: “for the last two years, my husband and I have stopped communicating effectively.  As a result, we have become distant from one another.  He seems to make his friends a priority over me.  And much of the time, I don’t feel like I can go to him with my concerns because he always acts as if my feelings aren’t valid or that I am just inventing problems.  He turns my words around to make it sound like I’m being critical or am overreacting. When I try to stress that these are real problems that might only grow, he gets angry.  When I try to bring his attention to the fact that this whole process is deteriorating our marriage, we end up in a big fight and he accuses me of creating drama.  It is getting to the point where I am scared to open my mouth for fear of him misunderstanding me or my speaking up causing problems.  The great irony is that the whole reason I want to say something is that I actually care about my husband and I want to make my marriage better.  But he simply can not see this. How can I get him to acknowledge our issues without causing fights that will deteriorate our marriage?”

I think that you are right in your determination to be heard. I know first hand that just giving up and ignoring marital problems seems to make them multiply and intensify.  Not addressing my marital problems almost ended up in a painful separation for me, so I would never encourage anyone to give up and ignore what is right in front of them. We eventually reconciled with a new, better marriage, but I wish this could have been avoided.

Of course, being heard is easier said than done.  When you have a spouse who not only does not cooperate but twists your intentions and then becomes angry, your challenge intensifies.  I think that you have a couple of options here.  You can attempt to change the delivery of your message – in the hopes that it will be received more favorably.  You can try to change things on your own and completely cut him out of the equation. Or, you can completely take the message out of your own hands and allow a professional to deliver it.  Let’s look at all options.

Option One: Changing The Tone Of The Delivery: First, you can try to deliver the message in a different way.  So many of us try to have these talks when we are angry or when the issue comes up.  This is understandable, but it is not really effective because your spouse is in no condition to receive the message.  He’s much more likely to become defensive and to tune you out. It’s actually more effective if you bring these matters up when things are going well.  If you and your spouse have a wonderful time together, you might comment that this is exactly why you want to work out those issues – because you want MORE of the good times.  Your spouse is less likely to hear what you are saying as a complaint because you’ve carefully chosen a time when your message might be received. My grandmother always said you get more flies with honey than vinegar.  This is the same idea.

The conversation would be something like:  “I love it when I feel close to you like this.  And when I bring up our issues, it’s actually because I want more of this.  It isn’t because I’m unhappy or that I’m being critical.  It’s that I want us to be happy and feel connected as often as possible and I think that we can do that if we can just work on a few things.  Can we agree on that?”

Option Two: Making Some Of The Changes On Your Own First: If you’ve tried this and it hasn’t worked or you strongly suspect that it won’t work, then you might try making some changes on your own first.  For example, look at the issue and see if any changes that you alone can make might improve it.  Often, if you can show your husband that positive change is possible and doesn’t require many sacrifices from him, he will be more receptive because you’ve already shown him how easy and effective change can be with your own example.  This also makes it seem less like a complaint or criticism because you aren’t asking him to do anything that you yourself have not already done.

Option Three:  Taking It Out Of Your Own Hands And Into The Hands Of A Professional: Finally, if you are sure that your husband won’t be receptive to any of these issues when they come from you, then you can always let someone else deliver the message.  Counseling works well for this.  Because he can get annoyed at the counselor and not you, and yet the message is still getting delivered and you are still hopefully getting the change that you want.  I know that this is the last resort for many. That is why it never hurts to try the first two options first.

Unfortunately, I know all of the above from a difficult experience.  My tiptoeing around our issues ensured we ended up separated.  And it was a hard road back to one another.  But we eventually made it. The whole story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: To say that many of us are in shock when our husband says he wants a divorce is an understatement. Even if we knew that our marriage was in trouble and we knew that our husband was thinking of leaving, it is still very shocking and upsetting when he utters the “d” word.

And frankly, many of us respond with both anger and sadness. It’s very easy to get defensive and mad.  It’s normal to have thoughts like, “Who is he to think that he gets to make all of the decisions in the marriage? How can he discard us so easily? How can he so flippantly make this decision?”

As a result of all of these thoughts and feelings, many of us are tempted to lash out at him. A wife might describe it this way: “I am not sure how I am supposed to act toward my husband now. Two weeks ago, I was walking on egg shells, but trying very hard to be sweet. Because I knew that my husband was not happy. And I was trying very hard to turn things around. But last night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and that he was going to be filing for one eventually. I am surprised by this, but my first emotion was anger and not sadness. I am not sure why I felt this way. I am normally pretty laid back. But I find myself being incredibly nasty and sarcastic to my husband. I am simply furious at him. It’s not that I didn’t know that we were having problems. We certainly are. But I’m so disappointed in him because he is not willing to try and work this out. He gave up so easily and so early. We have not even tried counseling yet. He clearly doesn’t plan to fight for our marriage. And yet six months ago, he told me that he would. This makes me very disappointed in him. Yesterday at work, he called to tell me something about one of our kids. I was very short with him. I actually ended up hanging up on him. My coworker overheard the conversation and she is telling me that I am going about this in entirely the wrong way. She says that I need to be sweet to my husband. I am not so sure about this. I used to want to save my marriage and I tried the ‘sweet’ tactic before, but I am angry now. I do worry about what a divorce will do to my children. Ideally, I would like to avoid it. But right now, I can’t seem to get control over my emotions. I feel like he is the enemy. How are you supposed to treat the spouse who wants a divorce?”

Determining Your Long Term Goals:  How you treat him depends on your long-term goals. The central question is whether or not you want to save your marriage eventually. If that is even a remote possibility (and it sounds like it is) then you don’t want to do anything that is going to make this impossible.

And think about this. Even if you ultimately do divorce, you are going to have to deal with this man for the rest of your life because of your children. For their sake, you want to have the best relationship as is possible, even if the relationship is no longer a romantic one.

I understand your anger. Although my husband sought a separation before a divorce, I was furious at him. I was extremely disappointed in him. But instead of showing my anger to him, I showed my desperation. This isn’t advisable either, because it caused so much tension between us that my husband started to avoid me.

Finding The Balance Between Being Honest And Being Upbeat: I think that it’s best to be honest, but also positive. I don’t think that you have to pretend that you’re fine with the divorce when you are not. Your husband likely would not believe this anyway. I think it’s fine for him to know that you are disappointed.

But if you make him your enemy or adversary, then you are going to seriously damage your chance to reconcile later. However,  if you try to make it look like you are on the same side because you want to preserve a relationship for the sake of your children (which is likely true,) then you put yourself in a much better position.

If you maintain a good relationship, he doesn’t need to avoid you. He will likely still give you access to him. And you are laying a groundwork to a possible improvement to your relationship – which might preface a reconciliation later. I know that you aren’t sure if you want one right now, but I think that you always want to preserve your ability to change your mind later.

So to answer the original question, I think that it’s okay to allow your frustration and disappointment to show, but I believe that it’s best to still treat your spouse with respect and cooperation. You want to create an atmosphere of “being in this together” because this maintains access to your husband and this makes it possible to try to improve the relationship.  It also gives you a chance to reconcile later.

I can tell you that not every husband who says he wants a divorce doesn’t ends up filing. Things change. Marriages improve. But if you want to keep this option possible, you can’t position yourself as his enemy or act in a way that is going to make him avoid you.

I wish I had paid attention to my own insights.  I didn’t even attempt to get on the same side as my separated husband at first.  I tried to elicit pity and guilt.  This backfired in a huge way. There’s more of that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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