Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s normal to try to diminish the impact and devastation of the situation when your husband asks for space.  After all, this is a very painful request.  No one wants to believe that their husband is trying to limit his contact with them or to distance himself from them.

So it’s normal to try to minimize this and to hope that in time, things will get better.  It is human nature to start out giving a little space and then slowly returning back to your regular life in the hopes that this is all going to blow over and your marriage can go back to normal again.  Plus, it feels weird and wrong to distance yourself from your husband. No wants wants to be lonely in their own home.  However, this lack of direction can come back and bite you in the end, when your husband claims that you didn’t give him what he asked for and then tells you that he may just leave the home to get the space that he wants.

A wife might describe it this way: “about six weeks ago, my husband and I went out to dinner and he drank a little too much.  As a result, he started rambling on and talking too much, as he tends to do when he’s had a little too much to drink.  During these ramblings, he alluded to the fact that he isn’t happy in our marriage anymore and that he wanted / needed more space from me.  I honestly thought this was the alcohol talking.  But a couple of days after that, he moved some stuff into the spare bedroom and started sleeping there.  For about five days afterward, he went out with friends instead of coming right home from work.  I tried not to make a big deal of this and kept myself busy with other things.  But inside, I was panicking. I was so afraid to end up separated or divorced.  We continued to kiss, hug, show affection, etc.  It was just that he was not around as much anymore and I tried to back off a little while we slept in different rooms.  Well, a little while later he had too much to drink again and we ended up having sex.  Actually, we had a wonderful night together.  So of course afterward, I moved his clothes back into our room and, at the time, he didn’t say anything about this.  He seemed to not mind.  But then a couple of weeks later, he announced that he hadn’t really gotten the space that he wanted while living at home, so he feels that it is necessary for him to move out.  I’m stunned.  I thought we had gotten past this. And now I am so mad at myself for moving him out of the spare bedroom without talking to him about it first.  I should not have made assumptions like that.  And now I have potentially ruined my marriage and messed up big time.  I am so mad at myself.  How stupid can I be?”

Please don’t beat yourself up in this way.  You weren’t stupid.  Frankly, you followed his cues.  And you were hoping for the best, as is human nature to do so.  You wanted to think the best of your marriage and you were trying to pull it out of its downward spiral.  All of these things are normal and show you to be a loving wife, not a stupid one.

You Could Have Executed Everything Perfectly And He Might Still Want Space: I’m honestly not sure that your “mistake” contributed to how your husband is acting right now.  You could have done everything perfectly.  You could have followed his request to the letter.  And he still might want to move out.  Why?  Because sometimes men think that they can’t truly experience their “space” or “time” unless they are away from their home and from their spouse.  Many try to get the space while still at home.  But some end up feeling that it just isn’t enough.  This can be true even when your spouse cooperated and gave you every ounce of the space that you wanted.

So I don’t think that worrying that you did anything wrong is going to help.  I think it’s possible that he’s under the belief that the only way that he is going to be able to evaluate how he feels is to have a physical break from you outside of the home.

Sometimes The Space Actually Serves A Purpose: I know that this is scary. I panicked when this happened to me.  I was sure that I would end up divorced.  But I am not.  And I am not sure what I could have done (if anything) to get my husband to change his mind.  In fact, in hindsight, I feel like the space was ultimately beneficial, although I would not want to repeat the process.

Ideally, if there is no way to avoid this happening and he doesn’t change his mind, you want to set it up so that he stays with friends rather than signing a long term lease of any kind.  Because the goal is to let the space work for you so that he quickly sees that he’s no more happy with his “space.” In fact, many men come to realize that they were no happier living under a different roof than their spouse.  If nothing else, space can often bring about a needed change in perspective.

Yes, it is painful while you are waiting for this change in perspective.  But use the time to your advantage.  Work on yourself.  Address the issues that lead up to the separation in the first place.  That way, you are actually strengthening your marriage during the separation instead of weakening it.  I DO understand how scary this is.  But separation does not always lead to divorce even if it looks that way right now.  You can read more about how I handled this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I believe that most of us like to think that the deterioration of our marriage would be swift and noticeable. We like to think that it would be an obvious change that we would not only notice, but to which we would quickly react. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Much of the time, the deterioration of a marriage is a slow and gradual slide. We may not notice it until it has reached a point of crisis.  Our attention may not fall on it until it can almost seem to be too late to do much about it. And then we look around and we realize that our marriage just may be in big trouble.

Someone might say: “I honestly don’t know how it’s happened. I always considered myself as someone who had a strong marriage. And one of the reasons that it was so strong is because my husband and I always made it a priority. But over the last year and a half, there have been dramatic changes. And I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t notice them at first. And I think that this was an honest mistake. My mother became ill and needed to move in with us for a while. I had no choice but to take on additional job responsibilities. So I started spending a lot of time with co-workers who ended up being like family members. My husband never complained about this. In fact, he tried to support me and was very loving because he knew that I was burning the candle at both ends. I did not really have a light bulb moment until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed that my husband was going out with his friends for the third time in a week and this didn’t really alarm me because it had become the norm. And then I realized that I was spending time with co-workers instead of my husband. And then I really started thinking about it and I realized that my marriage has taken a pretty steep fall. Our sex life is much less than it was. We don’t fight per se, but the closeness that we had before is missing. The other day, my husband announced that he had gotten a new boss and then he said under his breath ‘as though you’re even interested in my life anymore.’ I was angry at first, but now I realize that he is right. I have not been a good wife. I have not made my marriage a priority. And honestly, I don’t care about this as much as I should. And now I fear that it might be too late. I have no idea how to start to get my marriage to back to where it was or even if my husband wants that at this point.”

Understanding The Importance Of Apathy: If there is one thing that I want you to get from this article, it is this. The time to address deteriorations in your marriage is at the instant that you notice it. So many of us would rather look away because it seems easier or less painful at the time. But doing this is so very risky. It is what almost cost me my marriage. The longer a marriage is neglected, the harder it is to get back. The more you continue to look away, the more your spouse assumes that you do not care and the more they participate in their own-less-than desirable behaviors. It’s a very destructive cycle that feeds on itself, so it is very important to begin to break it as soon as you notice it, although none of this is blatantly your fault.  It’s commendable that you wanted to care for your mother and stepped up the plate with your job.  Don’t beat yourself up.  But take action as soon as possible.

Now That You Can, Revert Back To Your Old Habits: Perhaps the easiest and first course of action might be to spend more time at home. It seems as if enough time has passed between the crisis with your mom and your work that these things shouldn’t need your immediate attention quite as much. Immediately start coming home and limiting the time that you spend away. Your husband should notice this and will hopefully do the same.

Once you start spending more time at home, watch your husband’s behavior carefully. Are you able to fall back into your usual, loving routine? Is he receptive to you without resentment? Or are things a bit awkward and tense? Do you any issues jump out at you as things that need to be addressed immediately?

Use Your Close Observations For Clues About Where To Turn Your Attention: It’s important that you observe very closely. Because this will give you a roadmap on where it’s best to focus your attention first. Very few marriages can suffer neglect and suffer no ill effects. Most of the time, you will have some work to do in order to restore your marriage back to where it was before.

The good news is that you already have one of the most important ingredients – awareness. Not everyone is so aware. Sometimes, people don’t notice the atrophy of their marriage until they are separated or almost divorced. So understand that you do have a huge advantage – you noticed the problem before it became insurmountable.  And you are more than willing to take action. Now, it is time to address it promptly.

I totally commend your awareness and your willingness.  Not everyone has this and it should serve you well.  So many people (myself included) want to take the easiest and the least painful way out.  I just hoped things would work themselves out.  But they most certainly didn’t and I almost ended up divorced.  This was a very tough lesson to learn because it was very hard to get my husband to be receptive to me again.  You can read more about that process  at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you get married, you have certain expectations. Most of us think (and certainly hope) that we’ve found a life partner who will be there to support and love us through all that life might throw at us. We like to think that we are part of united team – where both players are going to prioritize the relationship. Many of us consider our spouse to be our best friend and the most important person in our lives. He is often the gold standard by which we measure all others. And we often won’t make major life decisions without his input.

That’s why it can really hurt when he doesn’t seem to act in the same way. And it’s particularly frustrating when you’re sure that he’s the most important person in the world to you, but you suspect that the feeling isn’t mutual. A wife might explain: “I knew when I married a man with children that I was going to have to share him. I understood that and I still do. So I understood that I might be second sometimes. But I don’t even think that I am second. I’m probably about fifth or sixth. My husband seems to think that he is responsible for every one in his family. His mother can’t even go shopping without him driving her. His brother is always borrowing money. His sister stayed a week with us to look at colleges. His work always comes first. If his work calls, my husband goes running and I’m just supposed to entertain myself and understand that my plans have been ruined. His son is a great athlete with a bright future and my husband is considering relocating us so that his son has more opportunities to excel in his sport and be noticed. So if this happens, I am just supposed to pack up and move without any discussion about it. I feel like my husband always expects for me just to come along for the ride without ever complaining. And this makes me feel horrible and uncared for. I’m not the most important person in his life. Heck, sometimes I think I’m not even on the short list. I am starting to feel as if my marriage isn’t going to make it. What can I do about this?”

Anytime you feel that a problem might disrupt your marriage in a serious way, I’d urge you to address that problem immediately. I know first hand that ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it often allows it to fester to the point where it becomes so large that it is very difficult to handle.

I’m not a therapist and my only personal experience with blended families is going through my own parents ‘divorce (while dealing with two step-parents) and watching many close friends and family members deal with this also.

If you don’t say anything to address this, I suspect that you’re going to feel more invisible. I don’t think that what you are asking for is unreasonable. You realize that he must put his children first. But, as his wife, your opinion and feelings should matter a great deal also. The first step would be to make him aware of how you feel.

I know that this might be daunting to you because you may question your right to complain when he’s juggling so many legitimate things. You may look at him and see a good man, son, brother, and father who is trying to care for those he loves. And that’s valid – and even admirable. But count yourself among those that he loves and understand that you deserve as much consideration as anyone else. And, there’s always a careful way to say things.  You don’t need to be angry or nasty when you discuss this.

The next time something happens that makes you feel unimportant, you might try: “I have to talk to you about something. I want to stress that I understand that you have responsibilities to your family. That is one of the things that attracted you to me in the first place. You care deeply about those you love. The thing is, sometimes, I don’t feel included or like I am on equal footing with your loved ones. I want you to be available to and supportive of your kids. But when something involves my life too, like moving, I’d like to be consulted and I would like for my opinion to be considered. Some of the things that relate to your family deeply affect my life and I’d like to be heard when it comes to this. Because when I’m not, it makes me feel like I’m the least important of the bunch. And then I question our relationship’s standing. I’m not trying to make problems here. And I’m not trying to put more pressure on you. But I don’t want this to affect our marriage. I want to mention it now so that we can address it.”

This may be all that is needed. Once he understands what you are asking for, he will hopefully see that it is very reasonable and easily obtainable. Sometimes, when he gets scattered trying to be all things to all people, you may have to remind him of what you need. Honest and constant communication is key here.

If you find that this doesn’t work, there are counselors that specialize in blended families. Many of my friends swear by this. I know that you may feel that you shouldn’t have to resort to outside help, but there is nothing wrong with taking the pulse of your marriage and addressing what is needed. I didn’t do this in my own marriage and it was extremely costly.  We aren’t a blended family, but our lack of communication and courtesy caused us to separate.  It was a very difficult time. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people find that the period of time just before their spouse comes home after a martial or trial separation is filled with anticipation and anxiety. The anticipation comes because this is the day that you have been working toward. But there is anxiety because you don’t want for anything to go wrong. You don’t want for your spouse to regret coming home. You don’t want for either of you to think that his coming home was a mistake. So you worry. And you anticipate.

Every situation is different, but people often wonder what they can expect when he comes back home. Someone might ask: “I finally got my husband to agree to come back home. This has been eight months in the making and I’m excited about it. I feel like I’ve pulled off the impossible because just three months ago, we were barely speaking. I told my best friend that I hope it is like a second honeymoon for us. And then she had to ruin it for me when she said that many people end up fighting once the husband comes back home. Is this true? What are realistic expectations?”

Both you and your friend are right. Some people do have what could be compared to a second honeymoon. And others have conflict that they must work through. Some couples have a combination of both. But that doesn’t mean that you can not work through whatever you find cropping up.

Many people start out feeling both hopeful and reluctant. There is a lot at stake here so both spouses can feel some anxiety. “Walking on eggshells” is a common phrase used to describe the first couple of weeks home. There is often an adjustment period since each person has been used to living alone.

But there can be periods of bliss too. After being lonely and scared, finally having your partner to share things with once again can feel wonderful. And when issues crop up it, can feel scary and troublesome. No two days may be alike.

I know that this may be concerning to you, but there are things that you can do to minimize the “roller coaster ride” aspect of it. You and your spouse can both agree to be honest and to communicate openly. It is so much better to point out the elephant in the room than for both of you to notice but to be afraid of saying anything. This just makes the awkwardness worse.

You can regularly “check in” with each other to determine what is working and what is not. And you can both agree that no one is going to walk away when issues crop up. Instead, you will join together and work through them.

You can also try to ease into him coming home. In the days or weeks that lead up to it, spend more time together. Have him stay over night if you can. That way, you can hopefully see the issues that are going to crop up and work through them before he is there full-time.

This leads me to my next point. It is very important that you have made progress on whatever issues divide you. It’s ideal if they are completely gone. But if they are not, then at least learn how to discuss or disagree about them in healthy ways so that you don’t end up having the same arguments over and over again.

I think that it is unrealistic to think that everything will forever be roses and sunshine when he comes back home, although sometimes you certainly have days – or even weeks and months – that feel that way. But it’s probably also unrealistic to think that you will have nothing but conflict. There is often a huge sense of relief coupled with some awkwardness and concern.

But if you are both committed to making this work, you can often communicate your way through it and address things as a united front. In the best of circumstances, a separation makes both spouses see the benefit of staying put and banding together as a team when conflict arises instead of letting it separate and divide you.

The hope is that the separation made you both see that you are happier together instead of apart. The trick then, is to create an improved marriage where you upgrade your lives together so that you are happy and united much more than you are unhappy and experiencing conflict.

No one has a conflict-free marriage. That is unrealistic. But the very best marriages learn to navigate that conflict in ways that do not damage the marriage, but actually strengthen it. This probably sounds quite simplistic, but it is anything but.

Right now, focus on the fact that you have finally made progress and have gotten what you want. That is reason for celebration and the first step. Now you just have to watch closely and address any pitfalls as they come up and notice how you deal with conflict. Adjust as you go and be open and honest when something concerns you. Assuming the worst and shutting down is one of the worst things that you can do.

I admit I was terrified when my husband FINALLY came home.  But I was also elated.  It was a strange mix.  My assuming that things were going to fall apart sometimes hurt us more than our actual issues.  I was determined to have open communication because I knew how much shutting down had hurt us before.  There were periods of time when we muddled through.  And there were periods of time when we were blissfully happy.  In the end, we made it.   You can read more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Most of the time, when I get correspondence about a spouse with a mid life crisis, it comes from the spouse who is watching the process.  The spouse who is NOT having a mid life crisis is usually trying to cope and to keep the marriage intact, while juggling all kinds of problems beyond their control.

Occasionally though, I hear from the person who is having (or has already had) the mid life crisis and is alarmed at the problems it has caused.  Many times, it has severely damaged the marriage and eroded the trust.  The spouse who has gone through this can be ashamed, embarrassed, and confused about how to fix things.

They may say things like: “I am embarrassed by my behavior over the last year.  And it has nearly ruined my marriage.  My husband doesn’t trust me anymore.  I think the whole problem started when I turned 45 and started to believe that I never really had a chance to have any real fun.  I married my husband right out of high school.  I had children shortly after that.  I never went to college because of starting a family so early.  So, my career has always been sort of disappointing.  My kids are all but grown and so they do not need me anymore.  I kind of got a point where I looked around and wondered if this was all my life was going to entail.  And that is when the trouble started.  I went on social media and reconnected with old friends.  Many of them were divorced, separated, or on their second marriages.  And they seemed happy and more carefree than I was.  Their lives seemed much more exciting. So I started going out with them. I quit my job and went to college.  As a result, I made a lot of friends who were younger and I started hanging out with younger classmates after class.  That meant that I started spending less time at home.  My husband tried to get me to see what I was doing, but I could not see it at the time.  He begged me to pay attention to our marriage, but I would not.  Honestly, I’m ashamed to say this now, but at that time, it was as if I thought my husband was holding me back. So I pretty much ignored what he said.  Eventually, he got tired of this and moved out.  Although we haven’t really talked about it, I suppose we are separated now. And it’s only now that I realize what an idiot I’ve been. I’ve tried to apologize to my husband and explain all of this, but he mostly seems not to believe me and keeps saying that the damage is already done.  I desperately want my old life back.  I don’t even hang out with those people anymore and I now realize that I had a full blown mid life crisis that is now over.  But how do I get my husband back now?”

You have to believe that it can be done.  And I can tell you that it can because I’ve seen it done.  But you will usually need some patience and an ability to keep trying even when you are not getting a response.

Understand How Hard This Must Have Been For Your Husband: First, it helps to understand and have some empathy for your husband.  Imagine how it felt to be so helpless while watching your spouse act recklessly and to basically throw your marriage away for a while.  When you look at it from his viewpoint, you can certainly understand why he’s leery of your claims.  He remembers how badly it hurt to watch you slip away and he doesn’t want to be hurt again.  As much as he may want to believe you, his fear of being hurt may be bigger than all of this.

Understand What He Likely Wants The Most: Second, you need to understand what he most wants to see from you.  I’d suspect that what he wants most is stability.  He has watched you be unstable for some time.  Now, he wants to see you be your old, reliable, and loving self.  Over and over again.  Because although it’s nice to see it initially, he will often worry that as soon as he lets his guard down, you will get bored again and return to your old ways.

That is why it’s so important to be patient and to realize that you are going to have to show him stability over time.  It’s very tempting to want him to give you reassurance or to take you back immediately.  But this just isn’t realistic.  And for the sake of your marriage, it is better if this process is gradual because this allows him to believe in it so that you have a firm base on which to rebuild.  You don’t want for him to always be on alert that the shoe is going to drop again.  You want him to have true confidence in you.  And it’s hard to fast forward that process.  Because it takes time.

Understand That Small Progress Makes Long Term Reconciliations: Start small.  Maybe you start out just talking.  Then, you move on to getting together in a very low key way on a regular basis.  You don’t want to immediately push for a reconciliation because you have plenty to prove to him first.  Move slowly and take a step forward as you are able.  Show him that your relationship and his trust are more important to you than an immediate reconciliation. If you do this, he will eventually come to see that you are sincere and that he can trust you.  And both of those are the first steps toward reconciling.

My separation wasn’t directly caused by a mid life crisis.  But I had to use the same gradual approach that I described here.  I can’t tell you that it was always easy or that I never lost patience.  Neither are true.  But I believe that the gradual strategy is the reason that I am still married today.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I get a decent amount of correspondence from wives who have husbands in a mid-life crisis.  The wives are understandably worried and concerned.  Often, the wives are looking for some way to jolt their husbands out of this.  They have often tried to talk to him or debate this, but nothing has worked.  Their husband is usually defensive and perhaps gets angry during the discussion.  Many of these wives can literally feel their marriage, and their husband, slipping away. So they decide to write a letter because they want to say what they feel desperately needs to be said.

However, many aren’t sure how to go about this, or even if this is the best idea.  Here’s a typical concern.  A wife might say: “my husband has been in a mid-life crisis for about a year.  At first, it started out just with my noticing that he seemed restless, distant, and distracted.  I mentioned it to him and he denied that anything was wrong.  Then, he attended a high school reunion and that is when things really got bad.  He started complaining about our finances and saying that many of his classmates were in a much better place than he was.  He talked about quitting his job and going back to school.  He started spending ridiculous amounts of time in the gym.  Of course, this worried me. But I wasn’t completely panicked until he started talking about a marital or trial separation.  Now, he hasn’t pursued this yet.  But I am sure that it is all just a matter of time.  I have tried to discuss this with him. Numerous times, in fact.  But then we end up arguing and he accuses me of just accepting the status quo and questioning why I never want to seek more in my life, as though I am some kind of slacker.  I want to tell my husband that it is honestly time to grow up.  We are adults with adult responsibilities.  We can’t just get all caught up in pondering the meaning of life.  I love my husband and it kills me to watch as he slips further and further away from me and he grows more and more unhappy.  I want to write him a letter and tell him all of this, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea.  What should a letter say to a husband who is in a mid-life crisis?”

I can certainly give you some guidelines, but since you know your husband better than anyone else, you would be in a better position to judge this.  Plus, only you are intimately aware of the situation and what your husband finds most problematic.  But here are my thoughts.  I hope that they are helpful.

Understand Why You Have To Be Very Careful About What He Hears In Your Message: I understand wanting to tell your husband to snap out of it or to grow up.  But from my experiences and observations, I’ve come to the opinion that this is a strategy that is very risky and that often fails.  This is especially true because you’ve said that your husband argues and gets defensive when you try to talk to him about this.  Honestly, what you are experiencing is very typical.  No one wants to perceive that their spouse is saying that they are being an old fool who needs to just snap out of it.  I know that sounds harsh, and I know that this isn’t the way that you mean it.  But what you need to understand is that this is how your husband HEARS it.  He’s at a place where he is obviously struggling and feeling a little badly about himself.  So the last thing that he probably wants is to hear is the person closest to him criticize him at a time when he feels the most vulnerable. (I know that men in mid-life crisis often don’t LOOK vulnerable.  But that’s what the crisis is – trying to hide or banish weakness.)

The Tone You May Want To Consider In Any Letter:  Before you write the letter, I want you to try to put yourself in your husband’s shoes right now.  I know that this is a challenge, but I think that it is so important.  Imagine that you feel solely responsible for your family’s finances. (Even when their wives work, men feel that it is ultimately their responsibility.)  Now imagine you saw former friends who have more money than you.  This makes you feel awful about yourself.  So you try to control what you can.  You consider going to school for a better job, but you realize that you are aging.  You try to hit the gym to feel younger.  But still, you are aging.  This all hurts. And your wife is looking at you with angry eyes and demanding to know what is happening with you.

I am asking you to envision this because I want you to feel what he is feeling before you put pen to paper.  And I want you to understand how important it is that you approach him with understanding and support rather than in a critical way or in a way meant to “shake some sense into him.”  I’m not sure that the actual words matter.  It is the sentiment that matters.  And in my experience, the sentiment should be that you worry that he is struggling, that you love him, and that you want to support him in this.  You want him to know that more than anything, you want him to be happy and to know how valued he truly is – regardless of whether life didn’t work out exactly as either of you planned.  In the meantime, you want him to know that you are there for him – to listen to or to support him – or to offer whatever he needs.

Do you see the difference here?  Because in my experience, this is a VITAL distinction. I wish I had understood this distinction at the time that it was happening to me.  It might have saved me from a separation.  Ultimately, we did end up separated for a while.  We eventually reconciled.  But this may have been avoided if I had come from a place of support instead of him perceiving all conversations as criticism.  You can read more about my separation and eventual reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many spouses who pursue a trial separation wonder if living alone and not dealing with their spouse full-time is going to have any effect on their happiness level. Some are hoping that it does. And others are scared of what will happen if they feel better, happier, or more carefree without their spouse.

Someone might ask: “I know it sounds weird, but I am hoping that I am not happier during the separation. And I’m not even the one who wanted it. My husband changed after he got into a car accident. Admittedly, anyone would struggle after going through what he has had to endure. He’s had pain in his back, neck, and shoulders. My husband used to love to work out, but now he has to limit that. So he’s gained weight and he’s not as content and outgoing as he used to be since he has no physical outlet. I’ve tried hard to support him during this process, but he’s mostly pushed me away. He’s now thinking that he wants to separate to see if that will make a difference to him. I doubt that it will. Frankly, regardless of whether he is married to me or living with me, he’s going to face the same challenges. And I’m pretty sure that it is the physical challenges that are making him unhappy. I’m honestly not too worried about how he’s going to feel. But I am worried about how I am going to feel. I am afraid that it’s going to feel like a relief for me. Honestly, it wears on me to always try to cheer him up. It’s physically exhausting to have to pick up the slack. I am committed to loving my husband in sickness and in health. And so I’m worried that I am going to find I’m actually happier during the separation. That is the main reason that I have been trying to talk him out of it. But he doesn’t seem to be changing his mind. What if I find that I want out after being separated?”

It sounds like you are both dealing with a very stressful time. And it sounds as if your husband really needs your support and perhaps some additional professional support – regardless of whether he realizes it or not. You didn’t mention counseling, but I would strongly recommend it. I am not a counselor, but even a layperson can realize that in a situation like yours where there are so many struggles, fixing this is outside of the realm of most people’s expertise – no matter how good their intentions.

It is not your husband’s fault that he got in a car accident and is now struggling. And it is not your fault that you are reacting to all of the demands that are now being placed on you. Being a caregiver is hard, no matter how much you love the person.  This difficult situation isn’t anyone’s fault. And even the best marriages might struggle under all of these stressors. That’s why I think it just makes sense to get outside help. The physicians who are helping your husband recover from his accident may be able to help you with a referral to a therapist.

I would suggest not pursuing the separation until you have a counselor. Because she may help you be able to avoid it altogether. Or, if it does happen, she can help you to set guidelines that keep it controlled in part by outlining that you will continue communicating and trying to move forward.

Separations that have goals and set guidelines have a much higher success rate than when people separate and then decide to just “wait and see how we feel.” Not having a plan is a very common reason for misunderstandings and resentments. And these things can just add to the issue you are already dealing with and hurt your chances of reconciling.

I understand that you feel torn. But don’t beat yourself up. You’re under a great deal of stress and it is normal. Not everyone would be more concerned about their spouse’s welfare than with their own sense of relief. That says quite a bit about your commitment level and integrity. And, you may find that not being able to be present during the separation actually causes you more discomfort than happiness. Many people are surprised to find that their feelings are not what they expected when they separate. And, if you do feel some relief, then that’s something that you should respect and explore with a counselor. She can probably help you deal with any guilt or mixed feelings and then explore where to go from there.

Of course, this assumes that the separation happens. I don’t think that it’s out of the question that a good counselor can help make sure that it doesn’t happen in the first place. And if it does, she can help you go make it a process that brings you closer together rather than pulling you apart.

What you’re going through is a stressor beyond what most people, and most marriages, are used to dealing with. I’m sorry I’m not more help. There is no shame in needing some support to get through it. I honestly think that getting that help is the smartest thing that you can do and is every bit as important as physical rehabilitation. People don’t think twice about getting medical treatment after an accident or injury. But many feel strange about getting emotional treatment. I wish this weren’t the case, but it is.

I think that your husband must know how supportive that you have been.  It’s important to not suppress your own feelings.  Yes, he is struggling, but you matter too.  My separation actually made me miss my husband and realize that I valued my marriage more than I ever imagined.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some husbands who want a divorce are willing to take full responsibility for that wish onto their own shoulders. They will tell you that it is them who wants the divorce because of their own unhappiness. They don’t necessarily blame their wife for this. They know that it is their own discontent that lead them to this point.

Other husbands take the opposite approach. They will lead you to believe that they are pursuing the divorce because they are concerned with their wife’s best interests instead of their own. They will insinuate that, in the long run, it is going to be better for the wife if there is a divorce.

Here is an example. A husband might explain that being married hurts or injures his wife in some way and therefore, he feels that it’s best to part ways. The wife in this situation might describe things this way: “my husband has been very unhappy and has been acting a little weird for the past year and a half. He has sort of been seeking his best life. He has left two jobs. He has uprooted us and moved to a new town. He has tried to reconcile with his parents with disastrous results. He says that he knows that living with him is very difficult. He says he knows that he is bringing me down. He says he is sorry that I’ve had to leave jobs and friends that I love because he can’t seem to be happy and settle down. So he’s announced that he is going to divorce me because he knows that he makes me unhappy. Honestly, it is not him that is making me unhappy. It is all this seeking that he is doing. But, even with that, I’d rather be with my husband with all his struggles than not be with him at all. But I can’t seem to convince him of this. He acts like he is doing this for my own good, but I’m not sure that this is the case. Maybe he thinks that it is me who is causing his unhappiness. Maybe he thinks that if he divorces me, he will finally be happy, but he is too cowardly to admit this. How do I convince him that divorcing me is not the answer?”

You can certainly attempt to appeal to his sense of reasoning. You can tell him that instead of divorcing and taking away normalcy and a healthy source of support, you should try to work through what is making him so unhappy. My best suggestion would be to suggest that you both go to counseling with the goal of determining the healthiest way to address your relationship. But there may be a side benefit of this that you don’t necessarily have to announce.

The Underhanded Way That This Might Save Your Marriage: Sometimes when you go to counseling for a couple issue, you end up working through individual issues. It seems fairly obvious that your husband is restless or dissatisfied about something. And it also seems obvious that he thinks this dissatisfaction is so upsetting to you, that divorcing is preferable than continuing to expose you to it. But what if you could remove whatever ‘it’ is?

Sometimes getting your spouse to counseling in this situation is tricky. You don’t want to say something like: “well if you would get yourself straightened out, we wouldn’t have this problem. If you’d stop being so unhappy all of the time, we wouldn’t need to divorce.” This kind of talk will make him defensive.

You also don’t want to say something like: “none of this is hurting me. I’m absolutely fine with uprooting my life on your whims.” This isn’t true. And do you really want to keep changing your life as he’s searching for something that he might not ever find?

The better solution seems to be to get some help to address the restlessness because this fixes both issues. If he’s no longer restless, he’s more likely to stay put. Once that happens, he’s no longer hurting you nearly as much, so both problems are addressed – and hopefully solved. Quite frankly, people can be restless when they are depressed. And depression is something best left to the experts.

Nudging Him Toward What He Needs: In order for him to be open to change, you have to be careful about how you nudge him toward outside help. You might try: “I do really appreciate that you are so concerned about my happiness. But I honestly think that getting a divorce would produce the most unhappiness in me. It is not as if I am sitting here thinking about how awful my life and my marriage is. I love you and I want for you to be OK. I think that divorce is an awfully drastic solution that doesn’t even ensure that either of us are going to be better off. I think that it makes sense to look to outside help to help us figure it out. I’d like to see a counselor to get a second opinion about what is most healthy for our relationship. If what you truly want is for me to be less unhappy, I am telling you that this is what I want and that this is what I think might best address our problem. Will you agree to that? I think that it’s the best first step for us. And I think it’s a lot less permanent than a divorce.”

A good counselor can get to the root of what is causing all this restlessness in your husband. And that in turn should help with your marriage. But a divorce is very drastic. And frankly, many couples who divorce in search of happiness don’t even find themselves much happier than when they were married. The reason? It wasn’t the marriage that was the source of the problem. It was something individual, inside of themselves.

I know that this is tough.  But if he’s still struggling, it’s going to be hard to change his mind because he is not seeing things clearly.  Once you remove his struggles, he begins to see that removing his support system is not the best idea. But it’s hard to feel rejected as he pushes you away.  I went through the same thing during my own separation. There’s more of that my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I will admit that many of the articles that I write are geared toward women and wives. This is partly due to the fact that this is the view point from which I’ve lived and from which I’m writing. I am a wife and I went through a separation, so I try to share my experience in the hopes that it will encourage or help others in some way.

Sometimes, however, I do hear from husbands. And many ask me if the same strategies and suggestions apply to husbands. I might hear from one who says: “I notice that all of your articles are written for women. But, you need to know that sometimes, it is the wife who leaves or who wants a separation and it is the husband who wants to get her back more than anything but who doesn’t know how. Those same husbands may have tried various things and have failed. Should husbands be working on themselves, staying positive, and doing what you have suggested that the wives do? Does this work when you are a man?”

This article will be written from the perspective of the husband. It was never my intention to leave anyone out. I am not a man, but I can give you the perspective of what wives want from their husbands and what might help you moving forward. I am not a mental health professional, but I still hope it helps.  And I do think that the same strategies can be successful for both men and women.

Know That Your Wife Wants To Feel Understood And Accepted: If I were to have a theory about what women want most from men, I’d say that it is to feel seen, understood, and to be accepted unconditionally. Many people are surprised by this. I’ve had men tell me that they think their wives want to be desired, worshipped, taken care of, etc. But from my own perspective and from what I hear from other wives, I believe that our deepest desire is to feel deeply and completely understood.

I often have people ask me why they can’t forget their first love or why that was so special. I think the answer to this is very important because it has implications for your marriage. The reason that the first love feels so special is because you were likely young and it was the first time in your life where you felt that someone “got you.” You felt accepted unconditionally at a time in your young life where it was so very important to feel accepted. When that first love ends, it’s hard to let it go because you worry that you won’t find someone who accepts and understands you in the same way.

I am telling you this because I want for you to understand that it is vitally important that your wife knows that you understand who she is to her core. And that, even with that intimate understanding, you love her without judgement and without limitations.

This may require for you to listen and observe much more, but there is a chance that if you do, this will pay serious dividends. All women want to feel like they are worth your effort. This takes attention and work but it also makes your wife want to be and stay with you.

Understand That She Hates Feeling Taken For Granted Or The Implication That She Could Be Replaced: Probably the most common complaint that I hear from wives is that their husband doesn’t even see them anymore and just assumes that they will take care of everything. Many wives tell me that their husband could hire a maid and a nanny and therefore wouldn’t miss her at all in the case of separation or divorce.

Your wife needs to feel that you want only her in your life because you see what she adds to your life and you appreciate the same. She must not feel like anyone else could do the job (or that you would want for someone else to do the job.) Instead, she wants to know that you see her as more than a household partner or roommate and that she is everything to you.  Let her know that you could not possibly have the same unique life with anyone else.

One way to start to show her this is to begin to thank her even for things that she does (or did in the event that you are separated) each every day. Look for ways that she makes your life better and tell her that you not only notice, but that you appreciate her because no one could do this in the way that she does. Make her feel unique and special. This is vital. Women repeatedly tell me that their husband does not make them feel special and that he just assumes that she is going to take care of everything without any need for recognition.  Recognize what she does.  And let her know that you appreciate it.

Be Willing To Go The Extra Mile To Show Her That Your Marriage Will Be Different If You Reconcile: Honestly, I often encourage separated men to offer to go to counseling without any negotiating or hesitation involved. If you tell her that you will see a therapist with her or do whatever is needed to heal your marriage, this will often show her that you are sincere. Many husbands resist counseling, but when you don’t it makes a very big and important statement to your wife.

If your wife doesn’t want to go to counseling, you can still take the opportunity to show her that you have a new perspective. If you were a husband who didn’t always listen before, now is the perfect time to start.  Women want their husbands to listen to them. We don’t always expect or even want for you to fix our problems, but we appreciate that you care enough to listen.

It’s likely that your wife has given you hints throughout your marriage about what you could do better. Now is the time to show her that you have been listening all along and that you are capable of real change. If you never listened, start listening now. If you took her for granted, starting showing her that you now notice and are grateful for all she has done. If you didn’t always show her respect, then show that to her now.

Give of yourself. Give your attention. Give your time. Listen without the expectation anything in return. Do not push her. If she’s not ready yet, give her time and use that time to work on yourself. She will likely notice your efforts, but it’s not always all about getting her to do something or hoping she will take you back. Any changes must be genuine so that you aren’t selling your wife something that you can not maintain later.

As you probably guessed, in my situation it was my husband who wanted the separation.  I had to use many of the strategies that I just suggested to you to get him back. If you’d like to read more, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In today’s society, verbal talk is being phased out. I am not saying that to be overly dramatic. I am saying that because I firmly believe it’s true. My grandmother and my mother are about the only people I know who don’t have text or email accounts. They pick up the phone when they want to talk to me, but they are the only ones from whom I’ve never received some sort of electronic communication instead of a phone call. Even our kids will text us instead of call us. Our boss will send us an email rather than calling us into the office. Because of this, the ability to carry on a verbal conversation is on the decline. This is even true in our marriages. I know this because I get an awful lot of correspondence from people who say that they feel that their marriage is in real trouble because they and their spouse don’t talk anymore and this lack of verbal communication has become a real void. They worry about what this might mean for their marriage. Here is just one example.

I am paraphrasing, but a wife might say something like: “my husband and I do not ever talk anymore, not really. Last month, my husband told me that he missed the closeness that we used to have and that he would like for us to have date nights a couple of times per month. I agreed to this. But for the most part, it has been disastrous. We sit there and just sort of stare at one another. We make comments about other people in the restaurant or we gossip about celebrities we don’t know, which is ridiculous. It is worse small talk than I might engage with someone on a train. It’s awful. We didn’t always have this problem. The first time we talked on the telephone, we talked for hours. There were no pauses. We couldn’t talk enough. Of course, once we got to know one another, the talks that lasted for hours because less and less, but we never had trouble communicating until just recently. Sometimes, my husband will say that all we talk about is the kids and he will declare all talks of kids to be off limits. The problem is that we have nothing else to talk about. We used to talk about our hopes and dreams, but now that I am fully an adult, I don’t really have those anymore. I live in reality. I have discussed this with some of my friends and they have told me that I’m worrying too much about this. They told me that after our while, this is what happens in normal marriages. Are they right? Should I worry about this?”

I can only tell you my opinion. Although I never want to encourage anyone to worry needlessly, I would encourage you to pay close attention to this and to work toward change. Why? Because a reoccurring theme that I see in people who cheat and have affairs is that they will say that they could talk to the other person whom they cheated with. Talking, really talking, is the cornerstone of intimacy. When you lose that in your marriage, you leave an opening for someone else to enter your marriage.

And even if this does not happen, you leave an opening for the happiness level of your marriage to take a sharp decrease. You deserve better and so does your spouse. So do your children — because you don’t want to model a marriage without meaningful conversation.

However, with all of this said, I don’t want for you to feel that this is your fault or something that you aren’t doing correctly. In a sense, your friend is right in her assertion that this has become “normal.” But it’s not healthy. In a world of written communication and social media, we’ve lost our skill at verbal communication, even with those that we love the most. You have to be determined to hold onto this skill or to get it back when you have lost it.

And if you have children, this can be compounded. And this too, is not your fault. Part of being a good parent is discussing child rearing with your child’s father. It’s natural, normal, and good. But before you know it, this can start to be the sole topic of conversation, which isn’t optimal in terms of your marriage.

So what can you do? You fight to get the communication and the intimacy back. You set aside time to rebuild. Your husband has told you very directly that he is aware of this void and that he misses you. He’s even begun demanding that you set aside time for kid-free communication. I know that this may seem like a reflection on you, but it’s really good news because it means that he’s willing to focus on fixing this also.

People often get discouraged when getting the communication back seems so hard. They will have a couple of awkward and difficult conversations and they will worry that the spark isn’t there and isn’t ever coming back. This doesn’t have to be true. It takes work to regain any lost skill. This is no different. You have to work at it and you have to keep at it even when it’s difficult.

There are books and even board games that give you topics of conversation to have with your spouse. This can seem cheesy, but try it. You basically draw a card and it will give you a prompt in which to have a conversation. For example, it might ask you to discuss a certain childhood memory or name your favorite emotion and discuss it. Basically, it is just stimulating a conversation. It may feel forced at first but when you keep going, you’ll often find that the conversation is spontaneous and you’re both laughing, which is when you realize that it has all been worth the effort.

But to answer the question, this lack of verbal communication can be “normal” in today’s society, but that doesn’t mean it’s optimal. It can really damage your marriage or leave it vulnerable, which is why I encourage you to address it.

I’m certainly not an expert, but I honestly believe that communication can be the first to go in a marriage in decline.  Address it now so that you don’t have bigger problems later.  I wish I’d taken my own advice.  Ignoring these nagging little problems eventually lead to a separation. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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