Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who can’t help but notice that their husband no longer treats them in the same loving way.  He either pretty much ignores them or treats them in negative or neutral ways.  Regardless, he no longer treats them like a cherished wife.  Sometimes, they confront him about this and ask him what has changed.  It is rare for a husband to be able to openly admit the truth and explain the change.

Many men will dismiss your concerns and tell you that you are expecting too much.  Some will explain that once you have been married for a while, things just naturally cool off.  This leaves the wife wondering if she is creating problems where none exist or is seeing problems that just are not there.

A situation like this one might be described as: “for the past year and a half, my husband has almost treated me like someone who doesn’t exist.  He acts like I am just the woman who picks up his dry cleaning, takes care of his children, and occasionally warms his bed.  He only talks to me about child rearing and household tasks.  He used to confide in me about his hopes and dreams and issues at his job.  He used to ask for my opinion about things.  He used to joke with me.  But no more.  My sister actually came to stay with us for a few days last week.  She brought her family with her.  She and her husband have been married for a long time, but I could not help but notice that her husband is still very tender and loving toward her.  I mentioned this to my sister and she said she could not help but notice how cold my husband is to me.  She said ‘he acts as if he no longer sees you as his wife.’  I was upset by what she said, but now I have been thinking about it and wondering if it is true.  How does a man treat a woman that he no longer sees as his wife?  And does this mean that I am going to end up divorced?”

I can’t predict whether or not there will be a divorce.  That depends on how unhappy your husband truly is, his attitude toward divorce, and how successful you are at addressing and fixing any issues.  I can, however, tell you what I think are some signs that a man no longer sees a woman as his wife.  I’ll list them below.

He No Longer Treats You Will Loving Respect:  I think that this is often the first sign that something is wrong.  When a man is actively in love with a woman, he does thoughtful things for her to show his feelings and respect.  He opens doors for her.  He services her car.  He touches her when they are together to remind her of how he feels.  Many men do these things without even thinking about them.  They are simply a reflection of how he feels and an indication that he wants to take care of the woman he loves.  When these things are absent, it can be cause for concern.  Yes, when you are married are together for a while, he may not have his hands on you all of the time, but he should certainly still show that he cares for and wants to take care of you.

He’s No Longer Asking For Your Opinion Because He Doesn’t Seem To Care About It:  This is another red flag.  Many men respect and care about their wife’s opinion. He may not always act on her opinion.  But he is interested to know what she thinks because he respects her intellect and perceptions.  When he’s no longer seeking out your opinion and he doesn’t seek your advice or perception on anything, this could be a sign that he no longer respects your input or cares to receive it.

The Physical Connection Just Isn’t There:  If there is one glue that holds a married couple together (even if they have started to struggle because of an outside stressor) it is usually a physical connection.  This is just one of the perks of being married.   Even if you and your spouse aren’t connecting on every level, for many couples, the physical intimacy is the glue that holds them together during rough times.

Unfortunately, there is sometimes a real tendency to try and ignore or rationalize this when it happens.  People will tell themselves that it is normal for the passion to fade after being married for awhile.  I did this sort of rationalization myself and I almost ended up divorced because of it.

Couples who have been married for a while may not be all over each other anymore in public.  But in private, the bedroom light should still be burning.  It is the sign of a healthy marriage.  And if it isn’t there for any length of time, you want to ask yourself why.

Seeing these signs doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to end up divorced or that your husband doesn’t love you anymore.  But it does suggest that you should give these issues your attention and figure out what might be contributing to your husband pulling away.  Has there been a troublesome issue in your lives or marriage?  Is there a stressor that you had hoped would resolve itself but obviously has not?

Now is the time to truly figure out what is wrong and to address it.  You want him thinking of you as his wife as soon as possible.  Because when he doesn’t, your marriage begins to be at risk.

Unfortunately, I know this because of experience.  There was a time when my husband’s perception of me changed dramatically.  I ignored it and this put our marriage in serious jeopardy and we ended up separated.  It was a long, hard climb uphill to get my marriage back. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It can be very difficult dealing with the problem at hand when your husband announces that he wants to separate or leave you.  It feels so much better when that same husband changes his mind a few days later.  The relief can be hard to describe.  But sometimes, this relief is somewhat short-lived.  Because after the relief, the doubt sets in.  You can begin to wonder when your husband was most truthful about his feelings – when he wanted to leave?  Or when he wanted to stay?  And you can worry that the next time he gets angry, he’ll want to leave all over again.

You may talk to friends or family members about this, only to be told that you’re being paranoid or that you’re being silly not to just let it go.  Someone might describe it this way: “I know that I should not really be complaining about my situation. I had a very close call with my husband.  He literally packed his bags and told me that he wanted a separation and that he was leaving me.  I begged him not to. So he said that he would wait for the weekend.  For the past six months, we have done nothing but fight.  I think most of this has to do with money, but also my husband shows a lack of respect to me sometimes and then I get angry and lash out at him.  Anyway, by the weekend, things had calmed down.  He still wasn’t speaking to me though, but he did not leave.  Things are not great between us to say the least.  But I’m relieved that he did not leave me. However, I just can’t relax about this.  Some of my friends say that my husband just lost his temper and that I should move on.  They say that this is a one-time thing.  I’m not so sure.  Our marriage truly is bad lately.  And I worry that he still wants to leave, but is looking to save some money first.  It frustrates me that I don’t know how he really feels.”

I understand what you are feeling.  I have to say that had my husband decided not to leave before my own separation took place, I would probably have felt what you are feeling now.  But my separation did happen. So I can tell you that as frustrated as you feel, your situation is potentially better than if he had actually left.  It’s difficult to save your marriage when you are not living together, although it’s certainly not impossible.

What Your Husband Might Be Thinking: I can speculate as to what your husband might be thinking, but you may be a better judge than I. When a man indicates that he wants to leave but then stops short of doing so, I think it’s probably fair to say that although he’s frustrated and he badly wants for things to change, something is keeping him at home.  Often, this “something” is that he doesn’t want to break the commitment of his marriage.  Or he still loves his wife, although he desperately wishes that his marriage was better.

Often the whole, “I’m going to move out” or the “I think that we should be separated” stance is an attempt to get your attention.  He’s trying to shake you up and shock you enough so that you hear what he is saying.

He may have stayed because he saw some first glimpses of change, or he is hoping that this is going to be the case soon.

Understand The Advantage That You Have And Proceed From There: So where does this leave you? Well, it seems pretty obvious that your marriage is still important to you.  As frustrating and as scary as this all is, I think it’s important to realize what you do, in fact, have going for you.  He is still there.  You have an advantage in that.  You have an opportunity to try to work on your marriage when the other party is still close by and is still a captive audience.

So I would suggest taking a long and hard look at what has contributed to the decline in your marriage.  And then I would look at the circumstances that surround your fights.  What is the trigger?  Is there ever a point where things could have been turned around if one person had been brave enough to turn the tide?

Becoming A Careful Observer: I know that I’m asking you to change your role a bit. I’m asking you to be a careful observer because I have found that this can make all of the difference. Some people have trouble doing this – and in that case, a third party or counselor can usually observe what is going on and help you with a plan to turn it around.

I know that this situation is not ideal.  I know that it feels scary and awful.  But you are not yet out of the game.  You have a chance to fix this BEFORE he leaves.  Not every one has this opportunity and it truly can be an advantage that is much better than the alternative.

I would have given anything if my husband had stopped short of actually leaving.  I’m sure that saving our marriage would have been difficult either way.  But saving it when you don’t have constant access to your husband has its own set of challenges.  You can read about how I ultimately did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Any wife who is separated but wants to save her marriage can have a daunting task ahead of her. But the process is at least a little bit easier when her husband is somewhat open to reconciliation somewhere down the line. Not all husbands fit into this category, though. Some of them will adamantly tell you that there isn’t much you can do to save your marriage because they have already given up on the idea of being married.

A wife might describe this unfortunate situation: “my husband has come to the conclusion that he is not the type of man who thrives in marriage. To be honest, he did express this when we were dating. His parents had an awful, abusive marriage and he told me that he never wanted to live that way. We dated for years before I finally convinced him to marry me. Our marriage was not abusive in the least. We had our problems like anyone else. But we always spoke and acted cordially toward each other. However, for the last couple of years, things have cooled between us. My husband wanted to try a separation and I fought on him on this. But he would not be talked out of it. Now he is telling me that he will not be talked out of a divorce. He says that I should not take it personally because I did not do anything wrong. He concedes that our marriage was a good one, as far as marriages go. But he has decided that he never wants to be married. He says he just doesn’t want to live his life having to consider anyone else. He says that he is a very introverted person who enjoys being alone. I told him I thought that this was all some lame excuse to get out of our marriage. I told him there was probably someone else who he already had his eye on. He said that this could not be any further from the truth. He promised that I would see that he would never marry again. I feel like this basically means that I have no control over what happens and I should just give up. It’s very upsetting.”

I certainly understand why this is upsetting. There was a time when my husband was also telling me that there was basically no hope in our marriage. And I remember feeling really helpless about it. I can offer some suggestions, but you have to decide what might be best for you.

Deciding That What You Feel Is Up To You: In my own case, I decided that no one could tell me how to feel or whether or not I should have hope. Yes, things did not look good. And no, I could not control what or how my husband was thinking or feeling. But I could control how I decided to proceed. I could control my own actions.

I decided to take a break from the process and to just focus on myself. This did eventually help with my reconciliation, but I can’t guarantee that this will always be the case. That wasn’t my original intention anyway. It was just to take care of myself and to focus on my own peace of mind – since he had made it very clear that I should not focus on him.

Another Option, (Although It’s Certainly Not Guaranteed To Work🙂 Here is something else that I have seen work. When a husband is demanding a divorce and telling you that there’s no choice, one option is to concede that you’re not going to try to change his mind, but you are instead going to suggest counseling to have a healthy split or to support you both through this time in order to ensure that you are proceeding in a healthy way.

I have seen this end up improving the communication and therefore the marriage – so much so that the divorce never happens. Of course, there is no guarantee. But often a counselor will help your husband see things that he is not able to see for himself (especially when he is resistant to listening to you, even when you see things clearly.)

He May Cooperate More When He Thinks That You Aren’t Trying To Change His Mind: I know that it’s tempting to try to tell him that he’s wrong and to try to convince him that if he would just give it one more try, he could see that marriage suits him. But rarely have I seen this work. When it is your idea, he is usually just that much more resistant.

In my experience, you will usually get a more open response if he believes that you are cooperating. He lets down his guard and then the counseling or the pause ends up doing its work. As I said, this doesn’t happen in every case. But backing up a little bit does allow him to lower his guard and it gives you a better chance of getting through to him when he has chosen this very rigid and resistant stance.

I’ll make one final point. People often change their minds during a separation. They sometimes start out being very harsh and eventually they calm down. I can’t promise that this change will happen. But not every one keeps the same stance throughout the separation.  That’s why it’s important not to have a very negative reaction that is going to fuel the fire.  As hard as it is, I think the best thing to do is to try to remain calm and keep the most positive relationship that is possible considering the circumstances. Because this will make things easier if and when he has a change of heart.  And if he doesn’t changed his mind, at least you’ve behaved in a way that you can proud of.

As I said, I was totally tempted to lose hope when my own husband was so negative.  But I decided to pause instead.  I don’t think that you can ever go wrong when you focus on yourself.  And this had unexpected benefits for my marriage and eventual reconciliation. There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you suspect that your husband may be coming home or that you may be close to a reconciliation after separating, you may think that you have everything that you could possibly want.  You might be very grateful that this very scary and trying time in your life might finally be over.

But then you may have some time to start thinking about things.  And that is when the worry sets in.  You start to wonder if in fact this is going to “stick.”  You start to take an inventory.  You ask yourself if there are any issues that might cause you to slide back into old habits.  You ask yourself if there is still any anger, resentment, or nagging issues that might put your marriage at risk when you try to reconcile. And if this is not the first time that you’ve been close to ending your marriage, then you may worry that given some time, you’re going to end up right back in the same place.

Someone might ask: “I do not want to jinx myself by saying that I feel like my separated husband and I are going to reconcile.  But I have to be honest and say that all signs are pointing that way.  We have been ‘dating’ each other for about six weeks.  At this point, my husband is practically living at home.  We are together more than we are apart.  No one has come right out and said ‘let’s reconcile.  Let’s have you move back in at a certain date.’  But my husband keeps bringing more and more stuff over so that eventually all of his things are going to be here. I suspect that a big deal won’t be made, but that we will just begin living together again full time.  Do not get me wrong.  I am thrilled about this. But I worry that things will eventually end again.  We have a long history of breaking up and getting back together – even going back to the days that we were dating. When my family heard that we were separated, my mom actually said ‘well, you’ll eventually reconcile.  And then you’ll break up again and the cycle will start all over again.  That’s just the way that it is with you two.’  The thing is, I don’t want for it to be that way anymore.  I want to get back together and stay together.  How do I know that it’s not going to end again?”

I don’t think that there is any way to 100% ensure guarantees.  None of us can ever know – or control- what tomorrow brings.  But what we can do is to try everything in our power to strengthen our marriage, our negotiating skills, our problem solving style, and our commitment to stick it out so that when problems crop up – as they always do – no one runs out the door all over again.

There Will Always Be Problems.  The Key Is Learning How To Deal With Them: People often assume that folks in good or very long marriages simply don’t have a lot of conflict, problems, or stress.  I have found that this just isn’t true.  Every human being is going to have stress at some point.  Everyone is going to face hardship.  Every marriage will be tested.  I believe the differences between those marriages that are strengthened by the stressors and those that collapse or buckle under the weight of the stressors are the problem-solving skills and the commitment of the couples who hang in there.

Simply put, they refuse to give up.  They keep talking, even when it’s difficult.  They might take a break, but they know that they are committed to their marriage and are not willing to walk away.

Getting The Commitment (And The Skills) That Are Necessary: Not all of us know how to do this without some help, training, or education.  Many people learn these skills from counseling.  Others grew up in a household where it was stressed. If you or your spouse don’t have these skills, you can learn them.  It’s important that you do. Because once you are sure that these positive marital skills have become a habit to you, then you aren’t as likely to worry about the problems coming back or your marriage ending in the future.  You’ll know that you’ve done the work (and are committed to continuing to do so) to make your marriage strong and your commitment unbreakable.

It was not my natural inclination to learn new relationship skills during my own separation.  But it became obvious that I had no choice.  It was the best thing I could have done.  Because of course issues have cropped up since my reconciliation.  That’s just life.  But we are now able to deal with them rather than panic over them.  You can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s fair to say that most separated couples that I know or speak with have periods of ups and downs during their separation.  Most of the time, this process isn’t linear.  There will be periods of time where things seem to be going well and the hopes will rise.  And then there may be cooling off periods where uncertainty seems to reign.

During this time period, one of the spouses may seem interested in getting closer.  And the other spouse may hope for a reconciliation, but then may find that although their spouse claims to be open to one day reconciling, he will always stop short of committing to this.  A wife might say: “really, my husband’s feet dragging during our separation is maddening.  I suppose that I should be grateful.  Because I have to admit that we have made some progress. In the beginning of our separation, I truly thought we’d be divorced in six months’ time.  Not only has that not happened, but things have improved between us.  We have been dating.  We have been sleeping together.  There are times when my husband even stays here for a while.  It seems to me that we are at a point where we can put our problems behind us.  So naturally, I have asked my husband if we can declare the separation over, get some counseling, and reconcile.  He will not give me his commitment to this.  He is not out and out refusing.  But he says that we just need to continue on where we are and ‘see how things go.’  I don’t understand this.  We are married.  We are doing well.  What’s the big deal about saying that we will remain married?  I just do not understand his thought process. What are separated men thinking when they refuse to commit to their marriage?”

Well, there are two trains of thought to this.  Some people will tell you that he wants to have his cake and eat it too.  Some will caution you that a man who acts like this is basically enjoying the sex, the boost to his ego, and the comfort from knowing that you are there for him while having no real intentions of saving the marriage.  These naysayers will tell you that he’s only using you because it feels good to do so. But that deep in his heart, he knows that there is no real hope for your marriage and he’s just delaying the inevitable, either because he doesn’t want to hurt you or because he wants to continue on for as long as you will let him.

I don’t believe this in every instance.  My husband and I had a similar situation and we never divorced.  We are still married.  The reluctance was there because my husband did not want to rush and, frankly, because our separation did not always go well.  While he was encouraged that we were finally making progress, he truly did want to ‘wait and see’ if that progress continued.  He wanted to take things slowly to make sure that we could believe in the changes.  And he wanted to make sure that we had a workable plan in place for when he did come home.

Plus, waiting allowed us to see the problems that cropped up as we were gradually spending more time together. However, during this process, he never gave me a commitment that we were definitely going to reconcile.  This hurt. And this gave me doubts. I’d waited so long for progress that I was frankly desperate to hear some reassurance.  But I also knew that pressure almost always meant disaster in my husband’s eyes, so I did not push.

I told myself that I would trust in the progress that we were making.  And intellectually, I knew that gradual was better.  Yes, I would have loved a commitment.  I would have loved for my husband to say: ” I will move back in on this date and we will be married forever.”  But I think my husband thought if he did that, we may resort back to our old habits.  By taking the wait and see approach, it ensured that we both remained on our best behavior and we continued to put in our best efforts.

I know that having the commitment would make the process easier to bear.  But sometimes you have to focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t have.  And if you continue on making the progress that you have, there is a very good chance that you will reconcile and save your marriage, regardless of what words he uses regarding the word “commitment.”  Sometimes, it is the outcome that matters rather than the words or reassurances used to describe it.  And sometimes, it makes sense to not sabotage today by focusing on tomorrow too much.

I do know how you feel.  Waiting to reconcile was maddening sometimes.  But now that I can look back on it and know that we’re still together, it’s much more bearable.  The story of that time period is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There’s no denying that special occasions that occur while you are on a trial separation can be awkward, to say the least. One of the special occasions that is sometimes the most confusing is the anniversary.  You can be unsure as to how you are supposed to acknowledge it.  On the one hand, many wives see it as an opportunity.  What better day to try to do or say something to get your husband back?  But most know that this plan is not without risk.  If you do or say the wrong thing, you’ve done so on a day that is sort of sacred.

Someone might describe this dilemma:  “My husband and I have been separated for about four months.  It was his decision to separate.  Everyone who knows us knows that I didn’t want the separation and that I am pretty miserable now.  Many of our family members are supportive of me.  I am close to my husband’s family.  I am not going to stop communicating with them just because my husband is confused right now.  That would be cruel and too much to ask of me.  Our 15 year anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks.  My mother-in-law has insisted on having a gathering for us at her home.  I have expressed concerns that it might be awkward considering the separation. But she insists on doing this.  She says that she loves us and that she wants us to be together as a family.  Apparently, my husband has agreed to this.  My mother-in-law has told me that she is going to ask me to say a few words before dinner and that I should use the opportunity to say something to try to get my husband back.  I know that she wants us back together, but I’m worried that my husband might not appreciate this plan.  I don’t mind saying a few words, but I’m not sure what to say.  And I am not sure how my husband is going to react to this.  What words should I say during my separation to get my husband back?”

Respecting The Occasion While Not Adding Pressure: This situation is potentially tricky.  I suspect that it’s unrealistic to think that you can just refuse to say anything or pretend that it is not your anniversary.  Everyone knows that it is – as evidenced by your mother-in-law’s plans.  And it would be a shame to not acknowledge being together for so long – even though you’ve hit some rough patches lately.

At the same time, I think that it might be a mistake to put so much pressure on the situation.  In my experience, a reconciliation often does not happen because someone said a few words over the course of one day or on one occasion.  Instead, it comes over a series of occasions and it’s a gradual process.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t say something moving and heart-felt.  But I think that it’s a mistake (and it could be setting up an awkward exchange) if you and your mother-in-law assume that there are some magic words that are going to lead to reconciliation.

Saying Something True, But Safe: I would suggest just trying to make the day a happy occasion where a family gathers to spend time together. That is certainly cause for celebration.  Things may not be going exactly how you want them to.  But still, you are all healthy and you will all be together.  Not every one has that luxury.

When it is time to say a few words, I would suggest keeping things positive, but simple.  How about “I feel very lucky to be here with all of you.  I love this family and I hope that we all have many more celebrations to come.  Thank you for being here with me today.”

You haven’t said anything that could be offensive or awkward. And you’ve made it clear that not only do you appreciate your mother-in-law’s thoughtfulness, but you love your husband, you love his family, and you hope that you will all join together again next year.  You’re not coming right out and saying it, but your words make it obvious that you’re hoping for a reconciliation.  And at the same time, if your husband isn’t ready to hear this, the words could be taken in another way also.

Yes, you’re playing it a little safe, but you’re also trying to ensure that every one enjoys themselves on a day that should remain special and free of awkwardness.  You’re also hopefully laying a foundation of better days to come.

There were definitely tricky special occasions during my own separation.  Because of issues during it, I learned not to apply too much pressure at any given time.  Unfortunately, it took me way too long to learn this.  Once I did, things improved dramatically.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Ideally, a marriage is seen as a time when a loving couple can start a new life together. Most people see it as an exciting “new beginning” where a fresh future is laid out just for two. This is the ideal. But it doesn’t always happen this way in the eyes of everyone. Sometimes, one or both of the spouses have “a past” and some folks just don’t want to let it go. Some people have a hard time believing in change.

There are times when the wife has “the past” and times when it is the husband. Here are a couple of examples. Regarding a husband, someone might explain: “I will be my husband’s third marriage and my family does not approve of this. They say that my husband’s track record is horrible. They say that clearly he does not treat his wives with respect and can’t have a healthy relationship. They are bothered that he already has children. I am trying to make them understand that his first marriage occurred when he was young and few people have the mental capacity that is required for marriage at that age. The second marriage was a tough break up. But both parties were at fault – not just my husband. At this point, my husband is a middle aged man who has learned many life lessons. He will take those things into our marriage. But my family refuses to give him that chance. They act as if he is not good enough for me.  And their disapproval has been hard on us.”

You get similar types of reactions when it is the wife with the past. Here is an example. A husband might say: “my wife was involved with an abusive man who lead her astray when she was young. She took drugs and even spent a short amount of time in jail. I blame this completely on the man, as she hasn’t exhibited any of this behavior once their relationship was over. She has completely changed. She is more morally strict than I am. She never lies. She always does the right thing. She has a stable job and goes to church every Sunday. She is well thought-of in the community now. But my family and my friends always want to remind me of her past. They do not trust or respect her. And it is really hurting our marriage because my wife gets angry and defensive with the way that they treat her and then she takes it out on me.”

I can imagine how frustrating it must be to never feel as if you will be able to escape something that happened so long ago. It’s really not fair. If a person with past marriages has truly changed and is being a respectful, loving spouse in a solid marriage, then he should be given the opportunity to be judged on his current marriage.

Understanding The Skepticism:  Here is the problem. People tend to believe (and statistics tend to support) the fact that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. People do tend to repeat certain patterns. This is not to say that people can not and do not change. We all know that they can and they do. But society tends to view this change with skepticism.

Striking The Balance: However, this societal skepticism doesn’t mean that it has to affect the way that you treat your spouse and the way that you allow others to treat him or her. It’s important that you safeguard and protect your marriage as best as you can. At the same time, you do not want to start a war with your extended family because that can put stress on your marriage as well.

Much of the time, once your spouse proves themselves to your family and friends, the clinging to the past will die down. Often, the concern is based on their love for you. They are protective because they do not want to see you get hurt. Once they believe that your spouse has changed and is not going to hurt you, then they should back off.

Bringing It Out In The Open: If they do not back down, sometimes you need to have a frank but respectful and loving discussion about this. You might try: “I know that you are acting out of concern for me and that this is done out of love. But frankly, your reaction to my spouse hurts me more than my spouse’s behavior or past ever has. My spouse has been nothing but loving and supportive to me. Our marriage is a good one. You do not need to worry. Please have enough respect for me to also respect my spouse. I know that you want me to be happy, but I feel unhappy when you are critical of my spouse. The past is exactly that – the past. I am very excited about my future. And I want to be able to enjoy it without being constantly reminded about something that didn’t even involve me. We are moving forward. We don’t live in the past. And we don’t care to be constantly reminded about it. I am asking you to respect this moving forward. Let’s focus on today. Because today, I am very happy and I want to share that with my family and friends.”

Most people will certainly get the hint after this conversation. If they continue to drift back to the past, gently remind them that you’re looking ahead. Over time, they will hopefully see that you have no interest in their visits to the past. If you don’t dwell in the past, no one can force you back there.

Safeguarding The Future: Of course, if the past is hurting your marriage because your spouse hasn’t left it behind, then you may want to consider counseling so that your spouse can truly turn the page.  It’s not fair to you and it gives your marriage a hurdle that it shouldn’t have. Statistically speaking, each new marriage has worse odds of success than the marriage before it.  But, plenty of couples in their second, third, or even later marriages make it.  But they often do so by changing something or learning new relationship skills.

And I know that change is possible.  After our separation, my husband and I both had to make some changes in order to save our marriage.  We have maintained those changes because we have been determined to do so.  There’s more to that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Having your spouse move back in after a trial separation is a goal that most of us are hoping for more than anything else.  That is the day that is marked in red on your calendar.  That is the day that is going to seem like Christmas morning and your birthday all rolled into one.

But as the day looms large, you can start to worry about it.  Many of us are aware that this might be our one and only chance to reconcile with our husband.  What if something goes wrong?  What if him moving home ends up in disaster?  Because of these worries, people sometimes want to break the process down into steps to make sure that they are doing everything that they possibly can to be successful.

Someone may ask this question: “Are there any steps that I can take to ensure that my separated husband’s return home is seamless and successful?  I have waited for this day for so long. I know that we need to be able to successfully reconnect. And I truly do not want to mess things up and cause stress by overthinking it.  But I can not help myself.  The stakes are really, really high right now.  I feel like I only have one chance to make this right.  What steps can I take to make sure it all goes the way that it should?”

I can certainly offer some suggestions.  And frankly, I wish I had taken some of these steps myself.  My husband and I successfully reconciled when he moved back home.  But there were a couple of bumps and missteps along the way.

Make Sure That There Is A Firm Commitment To Reconnecting And Then Reconciling:  This is very important.  Sometimes, we sort of hound our husband to come back home before he is quite ready or willing to do so.  We rush the process.  And although he may have come home eventually anyway, by rushing, we know in our hearts that he isn’t completely on board.  And this makes us worry that perhaps he isn’t as enthusiastic as he should be.  Having him move back in is challenging enough without worrying about whether he truly wants to be there. That’s why I recommend waiting until it’s very clear that the time is right and that his moving back in is what you both want without reservations.

Be Clear On How It Is Going To Work.  And Don’t Stop The Plan That’s Already In Place:  There is a real temptation to declare that everything is fixed once he moves back in and then to fall back to your normal, struggling marriage.  I strongly urge you to resist this temptation.  If you fall back into your old marriage, you may too fall back into your old problems.  This isn’t what you want.

It’s important that you both know what to expect and that anything that you’ve been doing to heal your marriage continues.  If you’ve been in counseling, stay there for a little while during this transition.  If you’ve been regularly working on your issues on your own, keep right at it.  Now is not the time to let your guard down. Additional small issues will often crop up initially.  Having this sort of plan in place ensures that you will be able to work through them with confidence and that you won’t allow additional problems to crop up unchecked.

Try To Do It Somewhat Gradually:  I think that it’s ideal to have him move back into the home in phases so that it is not so overwhelming.  Start with a night or two.  Then move on to weekends.  Then allow the weekends to spill over some.  Eventually, it will just be a natural progression for him to stay permanently.  This allows you to get a peek at any issues that might come up and it just makes the transition a little easier on everyone. (I think this strategy is a huge reason my husband and I made it during to reconciliation. Of course I wanted him to move back home immediately. But it was right to do it gradually.

Never Stop Checking In On Your Marriage:  I don’t want to tell you to overanalyze everything and not enjoy your reconciliation.  But I can’t overstate the importance of taking the pulse of your marriage (and how you are both feeling) regularly when he moves back in.  Know what is working well and what is not.  And be willing to tweak as necessary.  Be honest. And be flexible.  It’s tempting to brush over the problems. But, in truth, that is the worst thing that you can do.  Identify the issues quickly and have the courage to bring them into the light and erase them.  Encourage your husband to be very honest about what he is feeling.  Because you can’t address issues if you are both not honest about them when they come up. That said, HAVE FUN. This should be a delicious time of rediscovery.  It’s rare to have this opportunity of enjoying a relationship that feels new.

Don’t Hold Back: It’s so normal to be guarded and closed off when he comes home.  You’re so nervous that it is all going to go wrong. You can almost shut down because of this.  Remember that you’re finally getting what you have been waiting for.  This is truly a cause for celebration and happiness.  Sure, you don’t want to overstep and assume that you are home free.  There is certainly a lot of work that still needs to be done.  But look at the progress that you have made.  There should be pride and hope in that. Allow yourself to savor it.

As I said, I could have taken my own advice.  My husband and I had bumps along the way.  But frankly, I was just so grateful that we had reconciled.  Because for a long time, it appeared that we never would.  But we made our reconciliation work and we are still together.  You can read more of that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  A common worry that many wives have is whether or not they should be worried when their husband shows “weird” or “unusual” behavior.  The first inclination of many is to just ask him about this.  Unfortunately, though, many husbands do not give you a completely straight answer.  Many will tell you that “everything is fine”  when they are acting much less than fine.  And this can leave the wife wondering if she is only being paranoid or if there are potentially problematic issues cropping up in her marriage that need her attention.

She might say: “I can tell that there is something wrong with my husband.  For the past three weeks, he has been very distracted, distant, and moody. He seems a million miles away.  I have repeatedly asked him what’s wrong and he tells me that there is nothing wrong.  He says it with an annoyed tone, like I am just being paranoid.  We haven’t gotten into a big fight or anything.  I can’t pinpoint what might be upsetting him.  I asked him how things were at work and he just answers that things are fine.  They do not seem fine.  He hasn’t taken me out this whole time that he’s been acting weird.  We might have had sex once, but he isn’t affectionate.  How do you know when to be concerned if your spouse is acting weird?”

Why I Think It’s Better To Be Safe Than Sorry: This a question that I learned the answer to the hard way, which is why I would answer that I think it’s best to always be concerned when your husband acts weird.  Here’s why.  Showing concern is just something that you should do as a loving spouse anyway.  And sometimes, when our spouse tells us that nothing is wrong, there might be something that is VERY wrong.  I think it’s best to operate under the idea that it’s better to be safe than to be sorry.

Because in my own case, my husband assured me that nothing was wrong, and, understandably, I desperately wanted to believe that.  I was at a time in my life where I was very busy with a stressful situation.  So I didn’t need the added stress of unraveling what was going on with my husband.  When he told me that there was “nothing” wrong, I was ecstatic to believe him because it made my life much easier to not take on any more problems.  I told myself that I just didn’t have time to deal with it right then.

So it was easier to hide my head in the sand.  But what I didn’t anticipate was that there was something wrong with my husband.  He was no longer happy in our marriage.  And this led to us separating.

Putting The Behavior Into Context: That’s why I think it’s better to overreact than to under-react.  We all wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Sometimes, we all go through moody phases.  But these things usually pass quickly.  My rule of thumb is that if I see any troublesome behaviors that stick around past a couple of days, then this is a reason for concern.

And I think that it’s important to be careful about how you address it. You don’t want to take an accusatory tone where you’re essentially demanding: “what in the world is wrong with you? Why are you being so moody?”  When you do this, he is likely to feel defensive and to deny that anything is wrong.

But if you take the opposite approach and you come to him with something like: “I notice that you are not quite yourself.  Can you share with me what might be wrong? I’d like to help if I can,”  then you are more likely to get him to share with you because it’s obvious that you only want to help him.

Searching For Clues: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your husband will not share what is bothering him.  In that case, you have to watch very closely for clues that might give you more information.  You don’t want to accuse him of lying or not being forthcoming.  You just want to tell him that you’re willing to listen any time that he wants to talk and then you want to be very observant to see if you can pinpoint if there is a particular time he is showing these behaviors. Does he act a certain way after work? Or when interacting with someone?  Does he seem happy at other places but not at home?  Watching his behavior will often give you the first clue as to the source of the problem.

But whatever you do, don’t just ignore it.  This is only my opinion, of course.  And I know that people sometimes have fleeting and passing problems that don’t affect their marriages in any way.  But I’ve learned that it’s definitely better to be safe than sorry.  Not taking my own husband’s “weirdness” seriously almost cost me my marriage. We ultimately separated. Thankfully, I eventually turned things around and we reconciled and are still married today.   You can the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from folks who are reluctant to agree to a long amount time of away from their spouse.  Often, the marriage has been struggling and they are afraid that the time apart is going to be more than the marriage can handle.

Regardless, often the spouse who is being asked to stay put wants to accompany their spouse because the idea of being separated for an extended period of time scares them.  They are afraid that the physical separation is going to turn into a literal separation.  Someone might say: “my husband has a long-term job offer in another state.  I admit that it is a great opportunity.  And I probably would not be as worried about it if our marriage was doing great.  But it is not.  We have been struggling for almost a year.  I also feel that my husband would not be considering this position if our marriage was still thriving.  Since he is considering it, I feel like he is trying to escape me and our marriage.  He is telling me that he thinks that a separation will do us both some good and will help us to reevaluate what we want.  The way that he is talking, it makes me think that he believes that we are going to be officially separated while we are separated by distance.  I’m afraid to ask him if this is true. My worry is that if he takes this position and we’re officially separated at the same time, our marriage just will not survive this.  There is no word on how long the position will last.  He could he gone for a quite a while.  Do any marriages survive a long separation (time wise) when the couple is literally separated with a long physical distance?”

Yes, marriages do survive this.  Sometimes, when couples “officially” separate, one of them moves away — or at least travels for some time.  There are bicoastal marriages that survive.  (Granted, many couples who attempt this have strong marriages.  But many who are struggling make it also.)  And the reason for this is that sometimes, the time apart can bring about a change in perception.  When your spouse is no longer there, your ability to take them for granted diminishes.  You may find yourself feeling lonely rather than free.  And once this process happens, you may begin to realize that the issues that you thought were insurmountable may not be – assuming that you are willing to work hard to fix them.

Tips For Minimizing The Damage During A Long Separation:  Whether you are talking about “long” in terms of a long separation meaning time, or “long” meaning distance, I think that it’s vital to remain in close contact.  It’s very easy to let long periods of time go by without touching base and these lapses can lead to an EMOTIONAL distance rather than a physical one.

With this said, it can be extremely tricky to strike a balance between staying in close contact and giving your spouse “space.”  In fact, this is probably the topic that I am asked the most about.  When your spouse wants to separate from you, they are not always agreeable to constant communication.  And when you attempt that, they will sometimes become frustrated and distant.

That’s why I’ve found it very important to try to agree on a schedule that you can both live with BEFORE he actually leaves.  If he is resistant or says that he wants to just “see how it goes,” suggest touching base with one another at set times that are agreeable to both parties.  If he is still noncommittal, then know that you may have to take the initiative at first.

Then, when you call at the agreed-upon time, you may get various responses from him.  Try to adjust as needed.  Some days, you may find him agreeable, affectionate, and animated.  And the next day, it may be like pulling teeth to get him to talk to you. All of these responses are normal.  It’s very easy to panic when you get so many different responses, but in my experience, it is best that you don’t.  Because this will often just make it worse. Just tell yourself that you will give it some time and re-evaluate in a little while.

I know that this is a very difficult thing that you are facing.  I know how scary this is.  And you can certainly share your concerns with him before he makes a decision about taking the position and initiating a separation.  There’s no question that the time and distance CAN pose additional challenges.  But, I don’t want you to be discouraged, either.  Many couples do survive separations that are long in terms of both time and distance.  For some, the distance actually works for them instead of against them.  My separation certainly went on for much longer than I wanted.  I was sure that I would end up divorced sometimes.  But my marriage is still very much intact today.  You can read more about how we got to this much better place on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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