Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Believe it or not, even if many other people know that your spouse is considering a divorce, it tends to come as a bit of a shock to you, at least initially.  Why?  There are several reasons.  First, your spouse rarely lets you in on EXACTLY what he is thinking as it relates to your marriage, particularly when the thoughts are negative.  Second, many spouses will try to paint a rosier picture or to soften the blow.  And finally, many spouses are just thinking out loud when they talk about your marriage to friends and family.  But thinking out loud does not mean that he has made a firm decision.

This sort of beating around the bush leaves you wondering why he won’t just come out with it.  Why doesn’t he just tell you that he wants a divorce?  Why make you find out about it from others or from finding evidence somewhere else?

Here is how a wife might put this into words:  “It’s unbelievable to me that my husband has yet to tell me that he wants a divorce.  He has not yet served me with divorce papers. Heck, he hasn’t even moved out officially yet.  Yes, he spends some nights with his sister, but he lives with me for part of the time also.  Now, I knew that we were having problems.  He had even started pricing out his own apartment a couple of months ago, but that came to nothing.  I knew that things weren’t great.  But I was so shocked when I saw the wife of one of my husband’s partners at the grocery store and she told me that she ‘was sorry to hear about my divorce.’  I gulped hard, but I didn’t let on about how shocked that I was.  I just played along.  But when I got home, I told my husband about this and he said that he didn’t tell his partner that he was definitely getting a divorce. He says that he was just sharing how rough our marriage has been.  I find this hard to believe.  The partner’s wife is a pretty smart gal.  I don’t believe that she has misunderstood anything.  Then I mentioned this to one of my neighbors, who is a good friend, and she indicated that my husband had also confided to her husband that we might be getting a divorce.  I confronted my husband about this also and again he said that he has not yet made any decisions.  He says that he doesn’t know if we are getting a divorce or not.  I don’t get why he is playing games this way.  Why doesn’t he just tell me that he wants a divorce? Yes, I will be sad and disappointed.  But I would rather he be honest with me than out and out lie.  Why won’t he just come out with it?  If he wants a divorce, why not tell me?  Because honestly, I am going to find out about it anyway.”

I can certainly suggest some reasons.  When I was separated (or when my husband was thinking about divorcing and didn’t share this with me for a while,) there were plenty of people who knew more about my husband’s feelings toward our marriage than I did.  This always angered me a little because I felt that my husband was betraying confidences and it made me feel as if I were the last to know.  But you know what?  All those little revelations didn’t amount to a hill of beans.  We never got divorced.  And none of it ever came to pass.

And I think that a similar situation might be the biggest reason that your husband is not just asking for a divorce.  Either he’s not one hundred percent sure that he wants one or he is not yet ready to proceed toward one.  And there could be various reasons for this.  He could still be open a reconciliation. Or perhaps he is just trying to get his finances in order. Either way, you may have a little time on your side.

If you are still invested in your marriage (or are still interested in saving it,) this can be a big opening.  I know that it’s frustrating and somewhat humiliating to hear about your marriage from others.  But if you truly want a reconciliation, then you have to place your focus in the right place. You have to put all of the things aside that don’t really matter in the end.  And if you can get your marriage back, then this is not going to matter in five years.

Right now, I would place my focus on the fact that, for whatever reason, he has not yet asked for a divorce or filed for one.  Who knows his specific reasoning?  He might not even know it himself.  The point is, if he truly wanted a divorce right this very second, then he would seek one.  He hasn’t.  For whatever reason, he is holding off.  And he hasn’t told you about any divorce plans yet, which tells me that he isn’t quite sure about his wishes and he still cares enough about you to not come forward with something which may not actually happen.

Either way, all of this means that you may have some time.  And sometimes, that is a great starting point for which to try to save your marriage.  Many wives don’t have that.  They’ve been served with divorce papers and their husband isn’t shy about telling them that divorce is one hundred percent what he wants.

I know that when you feel as if your marriage is hanging in the balance, you can just want a definitive answer.  But when the answer is divorce, you are better off waiting – if that means that one day you might ultimately have a chance to save your marriage.  I never pushed my husband for “an answer” about the divorce.  Because I was afraid I knew what the answer was going to be.  So I waited.  And I believe that this is why I am still married today.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It is not all that unusual for us to marry someone who has personality traits quite different from our own. I honestly think that this is our way of experiencing things vicariously through our spouse. It’s very common for introverts to marry extroverts – knowing that being drawn out of our shell is refreshing and healthy every once in a while. And sometimes, we are attracted to those personality traits that we wish that we ourselves possessed. Sometimes, this works very well. Other times, it creates conflict because it means that we constantly are faced with what (and who) we are not.

An example is an introvert being married to an extravert and not being able to find middle ground. Someone might explain: “I knew that my husband was quiet and shy when I married him. My family is very loud. So I found him very refreshing. I am also loud and outgoing. I was a cheerleader in high school. I have lots of friends and I love socializing and having a houseful of people. My husband hates this. Early in our marriage, he used to tolerate it. But lately, he has started telling me that he needs more solitude and he’s become more and more isolated. The other day, I told him that I was losing patience with this. His response was that he ‘craves solitude sometimes.’ I think it goes beyond this. My husband is a loner. He talks to his family and two very close friends and me. Beyond that, he does not seem to need much interaction. It drives me crazy. And it worries me. Because I am starting to think that we are not compatible at all and that because of this, our marriage is doomed since we will not enjoy spending time together. I am starting to think that the marriage is going to be uncomfortable to both of us.”

I don’t want to sound like I’m defending your husband. But I identify with your situation a lot. I am extremely introverted. And my husband craves being around others and having lots of family and friends around. This was not horrible in the beginning. I remember that when we first got married, people would literally come to our house on the weekends and stay for days. My husband is from another state so friends would vacation at our home all of the time. When we were newlyweds, this seemed exciting. But after a while, I got to a point where I wanted to be alone at least some of the time on weekends. I see it as a time to recharge and be quiet. And my husband sees it as a time to connect and have fun. This did create problems as my husband felt that I was distancing him from people he cared about and I was being anti-social and rude.

I know that I can come off this way sometimes. But I don’t mean to. Just to give you an idea of how your husband might feel, being around a lot of people feels, at least to me, like it requires a lot of uncomfortable effort. I am sure it is no coincidence that my favorite hobbies are yarn work and reading and that I work in solitude. But even though I work at home with no one here but my dogs, I still crave more quiet sometimes. On weekends, I love to let my brain relax by leaving the TV off. This drives my husband crazy.

So we compromise. He watches TV with his friends and I go in another part of the house, in the quiet, and read a book. We used to question not being together, but now we realize that it just works for us. We are careful to carve our regular alone time to be together.  (And of course I interact with family and friends regularly.) This is vital. Intimacy between the two of us is important.  We learned this the hard way.  And we allowed ourselves to drift apart.  We eventually separated.  So today, we actually schedule alone time because we know how important it is. As an introvert, I’m well aware that I need that intimacy. But like your husband, I crave it with only a select few. And those select people are very important to me.

As far as weekend company, we compromise on that too. I know that there are some family members and friends who are extremely important to my husband. Having an open house policy is part of his culture and so I make this work even when a houseful of people feels like an effort to me. But, to compromise, this is not going to be every single weekend. It’s going to planned in advance. That way, every one is happy.

Honestly, I love that my husband can be the life of the party. And I realize that I can come across as moody and isolated. But I can not change this. Introversion is something you are born with – like eye color and skin tone. You can not help it or change it. And it is the way that it is. Having your spouse criticize or complain about it hurts because it feels like a rejection. It feels like they do not like who you are.

So I have learned that it’s very important to negotiate without sounding critical or without sounding like you are trying to change your spouse. You can negotiate without making it sound as if your personality traits are better than his. Opposites can and do have good marriages. But you have to learn to compromise. And you have to learn to let the negotiations pull you together instead of driving you apart. Differences are what make the world go around. And goodness knows, my household would be boring if both of us were like me. And it would be too loud if both of us were like my husband. Between the two of us, it is just right.

I think it is important that you address compromise now rather than getting more and more frustrated.  I let our differences deteriorate our marriage early on, and I came to deeply regret it. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: No one wants to look for trouble in their marriage where none exists. I’ve seen perfectly good marriages struggle greatly because one spouse decided to over-analyze and complain about even the smallest, most benign issues. So it can be very important to separate the big issues from the little ones. But there are some issues that people want to address regardless, because this issue affects how they view their marriage (and feel within it.) One such example is feeling loved.

A wife might explain: “for about two years, I have not felt loved by my husband. I think the whole thing started when we had two life-changing events in quick succession. The first is that we had a child. The second is that my husband took a high-stress job that required him to be gone a lot of the time. Once those two things happened, it seemed that my spouse and I were both always running from one task to another, just to stay afloat. My husband has almost come to treat me like an associate in the business of running our home. He doesn’t show me spontaneous love anymore. Last week, he gave me a filing cabinet for my birthday. This hurt me, but he said that it’s obvious I needed a place to organize all of my records for our child. More and more, I do not feel loved in my marriage. My husband shows affection to our child, so I know that he is capable of it. But he never shows it to me. This is becoming a major problem. I don’t want to make any life changes that would affect my child, but I do not want to go through life never feeling loved. Every human being needs to feel love. So how do I tell my husband that I don’t feel loved without him getting angry or defensive? I don’t want to make an even bigger problem for myself, but this has got to change.”

I think that you’re right on both counts. Feeling loved by your spouse is vital. And if this is missing, it can greatly and negatively affect your marriage. However, it’s very important to choose your words carefully. If you make your husband feel criticized or critiqued, he may withdraw even more and, as a result, you may feel even less love.

Some Considerations About Talking In Specifics: Here are a couple of things that you may want to consider when you attempt to talk to him about this. You probably do not want to speak in generalities. What I mean is that you probably do not want to just generally tell him that you don’t feel loved. This is confusing and it really is not giving him anything concrete to work with. Instead, you want to take some time to think about what, exactly, he could be doing to make you feel more loved. The more specific you can be in this, the less confusing your directive is to him and the more likely it is that you will get what you want.

Perhaps you’d like for him to compliment you more, to notice your efforts, or to physically hug or touch you to show his emotion and affection. Then, you want to prioritize these things because it may be overwhelming if you ask him for everything all at once. Start with what is most important to you. And then systematically work through your list as you begin to see results.

Setting The Tone Before you Go In For The Kill: Also, you probably want to create feelings of goodwill before you ask anything of him. One way to do this is to do something nice for him so that the mood is a positive one. When he reacts with appreciation, you might try something like: “I’m glad that I was able to do something to make you feel good. I miss the times when we were both able to do nice things for each other to show our love. I know our lives are much busier today, but I do really feel the void. Do you think that you could physically show your love more? Like more spontaneous hugging and kissing? I don’t mean to sound petty, but these things are important to me and they make me feel closer to you. I also think it’s important for our child to see what a loving family looks like and demonstrative affection and attention is all a part of it. Can you do this?”

Know That He May Think He’s Already Showing His Love and You’ll Need To Correct This And Then Offer Positive Reinforcement: He may respond as many men do – to tell you that you know that he loves you and that he shows you this by how hard he works for the family. Many men equate earning a living and taking care of the home as a way to show their love. And both of these things are very loving.  (Make sure that you acknowledge this so it doesn’t just sound like you are complaining. And make sure you make a big deal of it when he does make an effort to do better.)

Because showing their love doesn’t always come naturally to men, they sometimes feel clumsy and awkward about this, especially if you have to ask them to give a little more. So even if his attempts aren’t perfect, make sure he knows you appreciate the effort. Because that will mean he will want to try it more, and over time, you should see a big difference. You want to set up an environment where he is willingly and enthusiastically trying to do better and is getting positive reinforcement so that he will keep it up.

After my reconciliation, I tried to make any changes to my marriage gradually.  And I prioritized exchanged affection because that is very important. But I knew that we were somewhat fragile and I wanted to set it up where we could feel like we were successfully making progress.  This worked pretty well.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It never feels quite fair when your spouse wants to leave you or pursue a marital separation. There is always that feeling that he could have been more patient, more open minded, or more willing to compromise. And it feels particularly unfair when he won’t let you talk in order to explain yourself — especially if it is your actions that brought this on in the first place.

A wife might explain: “my husband is furious with me because I told him that I was going out of town to see my sister when in fact I stayed with an old girlfriend that my husband doesn’t approve of. I was best friends with this person at a time in my life that I am not proud of. I was using alcohol and doing risky things when we were friends, but I have turned my life around. My husband feels that this friend is an awful influence on me and he does not like the person I used to be. I think that it was an understood agreement between us (although we never spoke at length about it) that I was supposed to not have contact with this friend anymore. And I have honored that. Except when my friend called me to tell me her mother died and that she was having a hard time staying sober afterward. I felt strongly that I needed to spend some time with her to help her out and help her get past that urge. I didn’t tell my husband because I knew that he would not approve. I guess it’s accurate to say that I lied, but I felt that I had a legitimate reason to do so. Well, my husband called my sister’s and I got busted. Now he thinks that I went and visited my friend because we are both using again. And every time I try to reassure him that this isn’t true or I try to explain myself, he will interrupt me and angrily say that he doesn’t want to hear it and that he does not like being lied to. He will not listen to me. He won’t let me explain myself. I feel absolutely sick that I might lose my marriage over something like this. How can I get him to listen to me?”

Seeing things from your husband’s point of view may help you to come up with a plan that is going to help you overcome these obstacles. Right now, he likely is wondering what else have you may have lied about? (Of course, you know that you haven’t lied and that you wouldn’t continue to lie to him.)  But right now, he is caught up in his emotion and his fear  – at least in this particular moment in time. He’s probably also thinking ahead and worrying about what he will do if he finds himself in the position of having a spouse who is abusing substances. You know that it won’t come to this, but he doesn’t.

I’d say that currently, your obstacles are two-fold. You want to find a way to get him to listen and to ultimately believe you. And, you want to find a way to convince him that he has nothing to worry about because not only have you not used drugs or alcohol, but you won’t lie to him about it again. (This also leaves the question of whether or not you’re willing to give up your friend or if you want to try to negotiate some sort of contact with her so you don’t have to try to hide it.) I’m certainty not a mental health specialist and I’m not at all qualified to tell you whether or not maintaining contact with your friend is a good idea. I would hope that you are talking to a professional about this and I’d suggest perhaps bringing your husband to a session to talk openly about it. Perhaps if the information is coming from someone else instead of you, he may listen a bit more.  But counseling is always a wonderful option, especially in situations like this.

Alternatively, is there a mutual friend or family member that could speak to him on your behalf? Since he’s not listening to you right now, maybe allowing someone else who he already knows and trusts to deliver the message might work. Or, you could try writing him a letter and just telling him to read it when he is ready.

Once he calms down, he may start to ask himself if he’s seen any behavior from you that would indicate you are using or keeping additional secrets. Hopefully, he will answer honestly and realize that there hasn’t been any red flags. But you have to be clear on the fact that you can’t lie to him again about this. Because he may well give you the benefit of the doubt once, but if you do this again, he may not do so twice. You don’t want to put your marriage in jeopardy over something that truly should be in the past. If you want to remain in your friend’s life, then this is something that you will have to negotiate. But if you’ve told your spouse one thing and have done another, then you have to see it from his point of view. He feels betrayed and he’s likely worried about what this betrayal truly means.  And, he’s likely worried about you also.

Hopefully this will pass quickly.  And once it does, know that you’ve been given a heads up that this is an issue that most definitely needs your attention.  You want him to ultimately trust you in all things.  I wish I’d paid this sort of attention in my own marriage.  My determination to believe that everything would be OK almost cost me my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband leaves, there can be a period where you feel disbelief.  None of us walk down the aisle thinking that one day our marriage is going to be in jeopardy.  None of us envision a day when our husband is going to walk out the door.

But when he does, the phase that you have after disbelief is often the hope that this is only going to be a short detour and that he will return in a few days, full of apologies.  If this doesn’t happen, the next phase, at least for some, can be deep sorrow.  Some might even describe it as trauma.  And when you feel this way, it can be very hard to envision a better tomorrow.

Here’s an example of a description that you might hear: “I feel like I’m being overly dramatic.  But I am not kidding when I say that I feel traumatized by my husband leaving.  I don’t feel as if I had any real warning.  Sure, he occasionally would whine about being unhappy, but I never thought that he would leave. And I certainly thought that if he was considering leaving, he would mention it and give me a chance to fix it before he walked out of the door.  He did neither of these things.  I came home and noticed he wasn’t here and that some of this things were missing.  Then I got a text from him saying that he couldn’t ‘live like this anymore.’  I hoped that he was just blowing off steam, but it appears this isn’t the case.  He’s now been gone for three weeks.  He calls sometimes.  But he doesn’t appear ready to discuss coming home.  This has thrown me.  I can’t really sleep or eat.  It’s hard to concentrate.  I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me.  I was telling my best friend that I feel traumatized and she told me I was being far too dramatic.  She said it’s not as if my husband has died or something has happened that can not be fixed. I see her point, but it still feels like a life – changing trauma to me.  I feel damaged and wounded.  I hate feeling this way and I normally consider myself to be a strong person.  But this is so hard.  One day I thought my life was stable and the next day I realize that I was so very wrong.  Is it normal to feel this way?

Well, if it’s not then I guess myself and countless other people are not “normal.” I felt the same way.  I struggled greatly, at least for a time.  Yes, it feels as if the rug has been pulled out because, in a sense, it has. At least for right now.  You feel as if you are faced with the possibility that you may have to rewrite the story of your life and that is quite scary.

Of course, this assumes that things can’t change and you won’t reconcile.  But I know firsthand that things CAN change and people DO reconcile.  So the outcome right now may not be the outcome six months from now.  I think that it can be a mistake to assume that things won’t ever get any better.  They often do.

Still, you can’t control the future.  You can only work with what you have.  You can do everything in your power to communicate positively and to listen to what your husband has to say.  You can try to be upbeat and positive when you interact with him.  And you can do everything in your power to stay strong.

I know that this is hard.  But I firmly believe that we are more attractive to our husbands when we appear to be capable and coping, at least that was the case for me.  When I appeared beaten and depressed while we were separated, those were the times when my husband could not get away from me quickly enough.  But when I was able to give off the appearance that I was holding it together, he was much more receptive to me.

This suggestion might sound as if I am telling you to “fake it til you make it.”  I guess you could say that.  But I would encourage you to take care of yourself, to surround yourself with people who support you, and to do the things that bring you comfort – all in the hopes that you don’t have to “fake it” too much.

So yes, I get what you are saying when you describe this as a trauma.  It can feel traumatic.  But it can also get better.  And you can be deliberate about practicing self care and doing those things that are going to make you feel more in control.  I know that this is draining, but keep your chin up and know that there may be better days ahead.  I had some tough days during my own separation.  But it got so much better.  You can read about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often say that one of the things people most want in a romantic partner is to feel seen and understood.  What I mean by this is that if a person can make us feel as if they see what we are truly about and love us unconditionally anyway, that’s a feeling of acceptance that most of us have been seeking for our entire lives.  And we will often want to fight for that relationship because, needless to say, it will be extremely important to us and our own well being.

So what happens when we start to feel like we are not being seen?  Or like we are not understood, heard, or known?  Well, it’s quite painful and disappointing.  And, if unchecked, it can cause trouble in your marriage.

Here’s a rough example.  A wife might explain a situation like this one: “my husband doesn’t really understand me or seem to know the real me.  I serve as our family’s breadwinner and I have a job that forces me to turn off my emotions and my creativity during the hours of 9 – 5.  I do this because my job is well-paying and it allows my husband to stay home with our family – which is very important to us both.  However, when I was much younger, I was very creative and artistic.  I published short stories and wrote poems. I was very passionate about photography.  For the last couple of years, my son has asked about music.  He has been taking private violin lessons.  He auditioned for and made a summer chamber music group.  Their concert was at our local performing arts center.  During the concert, the strings played while the chorus sang.  It was absolutely beautiful.  And tears sprang from my eyes.  Yes, I was crying because I was so proud of my son.  But, I was also crying because the look on my son’s face as he played the music told me he had found his passion and that he was blissful while pursuing it.  I cried because I was disappointed that this is no longer the case for me.  My husband looked at me like I was an emotional wreck. Later at home, he asked me why I made such a big deal about everything.  I told him that this made me realize that I had stopped being a creative person and that this lack had created a huge void. My husband told me to ‘paint on the weekends or something.’ And he said these words in a very condescending way – as though I asked too much.  It made me angry.  I don’t think that it’s wrong to want beauty and the arts in your life. But he doesn’t get how important this is to me.  Or he simply doesn’t care.  I feel like he doesn’t even know the true me.  And that he only wants me to be the serious breadwinner and that he will not support me in any other way.”

Finding Compromise And Satisfaction: I know that this must have hurt. But I think that there is probably a compromise here.  I too need art and beauty in my life.  If I had my way, I’d be writing very creative fantasy novels with no worry about whether they sold or not.  So I do know how you feel.  I know that my dreams of novels about topics that only I care about are not realistic for my current life.  So, much of the time, I am able to fill my artistic yearnings with my blog, with my crafts, and with research of my choosing. And I am grateful for that opportunity.  I insist on finding time to pursue creative hobbies that have no end goal whatsoever.  For example, I often do crafts for family, friends, or charity.  Mostly, I make children’s sweaters or blankets.  This allows me to experiment with different yarns and designs and I know the finished project will keep someone warm, which makes me feel wonderful. I also make it a point to listen to classical music while doing tasks like cooking or walking my dogs.  Do I wish I could do more?  Absolutely.  And I am working on that.  But for now, I take what I can get and am grateful to be getting it.  I’ve found that so long as I have a creative outlet somewhere, I can fantasize about novels and still feel okay about life.

Frankly, my husband doesn’t get how important these things are to me.  I think there are times when he doesn’t completely understand why I take family or couple time to do my crafts.  But when this comes up, I explain to him that it is my time to recharge and unwind – just like working in the yard is for him.

Allowing Differences To Help Rather Than Hurt: Often, we are not being malicious when we don’t understand our spouses.  We just have different personalities.  I have been guilty of this also.  At one point, we moved to a new home.  While packing, I found old baseball cards that were not stored properly. They were cracked and had started to curl at the edges.  I put them in the bag to give to charity.  Later, my husband asked if I had seen the cards. “Oh honey, they were damaged,” I explained. “They are in one of the charity bags.”

My husband was extremely upset with me and I honestly did not understand why.  I told him he really didn’t like and wasn’t even good at baseball.  Then he almost tearfully explained that as a child, his grandfather lived with the family while he was ill.  The cards were the last thing he had to remember his grandfather by, since they used to spend time together collecting the cards.  And, my husband also explained that although he was not good at baseball, he did love it and he missed it.

This was a sad situation, but both my husband and I were guilty in this misunderstanding.  I was not maliciously trying to throw away things that were important to him.  And he had never shared memories of his grandfather or love of baseball with me.  Often, your spouse is not trying to hurt you or show you that they don’t know you at all.  And they are usually a little shocked when you get so upset.

Perhaps it’s time to have an honest conversation to clear the air.  You might say something like: “I’m glad you support me in exploring art on the weekends.  I intend to do that and perhaps even more eventually.  I probably haven’t always made it clear how important the arts are to me.  And I guess I have allowed life obligations to get in the way of me pursuing this.  That isn’t your fault.  But in order for me to be as fulfilled as I can possibly be, I’m going to need to take time to do this for myself.”

I think that you might be surprised to find that your spouse might be more supportive than you thought. Most of the time, our spouses don’t want us walking around sad and unfulfilled, but they don’t know how to help us or they aren’t clear on what we need.  The fact that you have defined exactly what you need means that all he has to do is support you.  And I suspect that he will have no trouble doing that.  My husband and I now try to attend baseball games as often as possible and he’s very happy about this. But I would not have known how important this was to him if the “baseball card incident” hadn’t happened, which forced him to share.

Don’t be fooled though and think that I always knew these marital truths. I used to not check in with my spouse nearly as often (or care as much about how he was feeling) and it caused us to separate. You can read more about how I fixed this (after making far too many mistakes) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband gives you the “bad news” that his feelings for you have changed, but offers the “good news” that he isn’t going to divorce you immediately, his words might not offer you the reassurance that he intended. This can feel like a very hollow victory. Sure, you may not end up divorced immediately, but you have a husband who may not love you like he should. And this can leave you wondering if there is any way at all to get the love back. Because it’s not ideal to live forever in a marriage with no love. Sure, you have your marriage, but it may feel like a marriage “in name only” in those circumstances.

Here’s how you might hear it described: “my husband and I got in a pretty heated argument last week and he yelled at me that he doesn’t think that we’re right for one another. Then, he really got worked up and started saying awful things to me – like we should have never gotten married in the first place and that he doesn’t love me anymore. I braced myself for him to tell me that he was filing for a divorce, but he never did. When I asked him what he was going to do about his unhappiness with our marriage, his response was ‘nothing for now. I don’t want to disrupt our kids’ lives and make us both live like paupers, but the thought of staying together doesn’t make me happy. And I’m sure you’re not happy. I’ll hang in there and stay the course for now because of our kids. But this isn’t a great way to live.’ I can’t even express how upsetting this was to me. Not only was it hard to hear that he didn’t love me, but he offered no solution. He gave no promises that we would get through this or work this out. He basically just made it sound like he would endure being married to me and wouldn’t divorce me. For now. My friend says that I should be a little reassured and feel some relief. But I don’t. I don’t see any reassurance in hearing my husband tell me that although he won’t immediately divorce me, he doesn’t really love me or want to be with me.”

The Silver Lining Of Time: I understand how hard this must be. And I also understand why it might be difficult to see any reassuring signs here. But I do see one. You have not been served with divorce papers. You are not having to call attorneys. You have been given reassurance that you do not have to act immediately.

So while you may not have emotional reassurance, you do have reassurance about one very important thing – time. Not every one has this. Many wives who reach out to me have already been served with divorce papers or have husbands who have already moved out. This can make the situation seem quite desperate.

You may feel as if you are in that desperate place right now. But, in reality, you do have time. Which means that you have the opportunity to turn this around. Will it be easy? Probably not. But is it possible? Yes, in some cases.

The Advantage Of Changing Tides: I know that it’s tempting to take him at his word and to believe that he doesn’t love you now and will never love you again. But I am proof that husbands who believe they don’t love their wives can change their minds eventually. It doesn’t magically happen. There is work to do. You have to be methodical. You have to be vigilant. You have to be attentive and skilled. You have to understand what is missing and what is wrong and replace or fix it.

But it can sometimes be fixed. And a husband who is reluctant to file for divorce might be sending an important message to his wife. Perhaps he is partially motivated by the children and money. But it’s possible that, even if he’s not admitting it to you or himself, he’s not filing because he’s not sure that a divorce is what he truly wants. Or he is hoping that some day, in some way, things might be different.

He may not know how to make things different. Or he may be afraid to even try to make things different. But who is to say that you can’t try? Who is to say that you can’t meet him half way?

Yes, it may be tricky at times when you’re wondering if he will be receptive to you. But if you don’t take a chance, you might never know if you could have saved your marriage. I used to worry a lot about being rejected or appearing to be the only one who cared about saving my marriage. Looking back, I realize how silly that was. My marriage was so important to me. I should not have let my own stubbornness get in my way. I finally realized that I should worry more about results and less about silly appearances. And this was the beginning of change.  You can read about that change on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Not only is it very painful when your spouse starts talking about being unhappy in your marriage, but it’s also panic-inducing. We often begin to picture the worst-case scenario almost immediately and some of us have an almost instant need to attempt to change his mind.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband has been telling me that he has doubts about our marriage. He’s started to drop little hints that he is thinking about leaving. He’ll say things like ‘I’m not sure that I see a future for us.’ Or ‘if I would have known that this is how our marriage would be, I would have never proposed.’ I have asked him why he is so unhappy and he won’t be specific. He will only say that marriage isn’t what he thought that it would be. I have asked him to have patience and to not make any sudden decisions. But he says he won’t make any promises. I have tried to be sweet and accommodating so that we fight less. This doesn’t seem to help. It seems that no matter what I do or say, he’s determined to be unhappy. And I suspect he’s determined to leave. What am I doing wrong? What is there to do or say to get him to change his mind about our marriage?”

Uncovering The Core Cause Before You Can Have An Important Conversation: This is a tricky, but common, situation. If he’s not telling you what is wrong, sometimes you have to take a hard inventory and make a very educated guess. For a couple of days, notice his behavior. Notice if he has a reaction to any specific thing. Try asking him some open-ended questions. If all else fails: ask yourself this question. “If I had to make one guess as to what was making my husband doubt our marriage, what would I say in this instant?” You would be surprised as to how that question is able to bring up what is in your subconscious and tell you what you already know but haven’t yet processed.

Faking It Until You Make It: If you are still coming up empty, it’s my opinion that the best thing that you can do is to proceed with confidence and a positive attitude. There is often a common theme in this scenario. The women who contact me very often say the same types of things as this wife – that they were begging him not to go or were being overly accommodating, as though they were walking on eggshells. The vast majority tell me that these things don’t work and seem to make no real difference.

And I think that one possible reason for this is that you are overdoing it. When you almost apologize for yourself and for your marriage, you almost imply that there is something wrong with it and that this is all your fault. In turn, this makes him move away from you even more. Of course, if you know there is something wrong in your marriage and you can pinpoint what it is, then it’s best to address it quickly and efficiently so that he can see that things can and will change. And therefore, there is no need for him to take action.

Bringing The Core Issue To Light In Conversation: Regardless of the issues harming the marriage, you can always have an opening conversation to try to bridge the gap. Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to be supportive, confident, and upbeat. You might try something like: “it hurts me to hear you say that you are so unhappy. We both deserve contentment and peace in this marriage. What can I do to make this better for you? If you’d like to talk, I’m here. And I’m committed to making our marriage as good as it can possibly be so that we are both happy. In the coming days, I’m going to try some improvements that will hopefully make things better for both of us, but if you have any specific issues you want me to address, please let me know.” Notice that this makes it sound as if you are perfectly willing to take action, but you aren’t grasping at straws and you aren’t desperate. You’re also validating him rather than trying to convince him that he is wrong or picky.  And you are allowing him to fill in the blanks.

You’ve made the offer that needs to be made, and hopefully, he will be more forthcoming about what he needs from you. In the meantime though, it’s become my belief that you are better off remaining upbeat and proactive rather than allowing your fear to get the better of you and heaping more stress unto the situation by constantly pressuring him about it. You don’t want to do anything that will ratchet up the negative emotions more than they already are.

Sometimes, bringing positivity to the equation will do more good than you could have ever imagined. Sometimes, especially if his unhappiness had more to do with him than with you, then it will eventually pass. But now would be a good time to take inventory of your marriage and greatly improve upon what you can. Because even if this passes on its own, improving your marriage doesn’t hurt it and is always beneficial.

My husband was unhappy in our marriage and we eventually separated.  During that time, I pretty much begged constantly.  This only made it worse.  It wasn’t until I faked some confidence that things changed.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you are separated, sometimes it’s only natural to put a negative spin on (or to analyze) everything.  After all, you’re operating on fear.  You’ve had to experience some of your worst fears coming true, so you’re bound to wonder just what new problems are going to crop up next.

That is why, even when you hear the words that you’ve been longing to hear, you can doubt them.  You can analyze them.  And you may not be able to ignore it when your husband’s actions do not match his words.  If he’s telling you that he really does care for and love you, but his actions might indicate otherwise, how should you interpret both things, working together?

For example, you may have a separated husband who, when pressed, assures you that his love for you hasn’t evaporated.  He may claim that he still cares about your feelings.  But then he moves out and forces you to live on your own and to face an uncertain future.  And, during the separation, he may act in ways that aren’t loving at all.  So what do you pay more attention to?  His words? Or his actions?  Which one of these things are true?

A wife might ask:”I’m not really sure about what my separated husband is telling me.  I mean, I hear what he is telling me with his words.  But he is also telling me things with his actions, or lack thereof.  We are separated because he wanted it.  He basically said he didn’t think he wanted the accountability of being married anymore.  He didn’t like being responsible to another person. He felt that I was too needy and this made him feel pressured all of the time.  Since our separation, he’s been pretty hands-off and this hurts.  He pretty much leaves me to my own devices and doesn’t even both to check in all that often.  This makes me feel unloved.  I recently got so upset that I told my husband how unloved I felt.  At this point, he reassured me that he still loved me and cared deeply for me.  But how am I supposed to believe that?  How does a man love a woman and basically leave her and then make her fend for herself?  Is this love?  What am I supposed to believe?”

It’s very difficult for me to answer these questions, but I certainly know how you feel.  I had the same questions during my own separation, but I can tell you that these days, since we have reconciled, I do feel loved by my husband.

I dialogue with some separated men who visit my blog and also from wives who are trying to make sense of this. It’s pretty clear to me that many people do not act very loving during a separation for various reasons.

Reasons Why A Separated Spouse May Hesitate To Show Love: Often, separated spouses are trying very hard not to send mixed signals, or any signals at all for that matter. They aren’t sure how things are going to turn out in the future, so they figure that it might be more kind to take the emotions out of the equation.  As a result, they kind of shut down.  Ironically, they think that they are doing this out of love and for your benefit.  But they are holding back on the acts that would show love because, during your separation, you’re often trying to sort out your feelings.  In light of this, acting loving would likely confuse that process for every one involved.

Why His Behaviors May Change With Time: I understand your thought process and I’m often very clear on the fact that it is people’s actions and not their words that tell you what you truly need to know.  Words are cheap.  Words are easy.  Actions often are not.  But, when you are separated, you are often trying very hard to suppress your feelings and this can come across is your actions.

I suppose that the point that I am trying to make is that, at least from my own experience and from others that I hear from, I think it’s possible for a person to act quite unloving during a separation but then to change their behavior after or during a reconciliation.  People are often not at their best when separation and so consequently, you will not see their best behavior.

I’m certainly not trying to excuse your husband.  I know that it hurts. But I am suggesting that sometimes a person’s actions and behaviors change over the course of a separation and sometimes, their behaviors are precisely because they are trying to keep you from seeing how they really feel or they are trying to repress their feelings for the time being.

Because of this, a separation is really not the best time to analyze whether your husband’s behaviors are particularly loving.  I know that this is hard because you can’t be sure that you’re going to see better behaviors in the future.  I know that a lot of this is a leap of faith.  But I think it helps to try to stop analyzing on a regular basis because things can and do change quickly when you’re separated. And precisely because things are volatile and painful, just observing isn’t always going to tell you what your spouse truly feels.  Because often, he doesn’t even fully know this himself.  So sometimes, you have to be patient and observe over a longer period of time.

I admit that I analyzed every single word out of my husband’s mouth and every action out of his body during my own separation.  In the long term, it truly did me no good.  Because things eventually changed.  And all of the worry was for nothing.  You can read about how things changed on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when your husband is away because you are going through a marital separation, the day he comes back is considered one of the best days of your life. After all, you have worked for this day. You have sacrificed for this day. You have dreamed of this day. In fact, I know first hand that we have planned this day for so long, very few us worry nearly as much as to what happens after he is actually home.

This is understandable. Because often, it’s so hard to get him to come back that we are using all of our energy and our skill to make this happen. However, unfortunately some of us learn that not spending enough time on the “what happens afterward” question turns out to be costly.

A wife might say: “I can’t believe it’s been six months since we separated. It’s not as if the time flew by or that it was like a vacation. It was awful. Every day felt long. It’s just that there was a time when we were so happy that never would I have figured we would willingly be apart for six months. Perhaps willingly isn’t accurate. He was willing. I was reluctant. I never wanted the separation to begin with. But I knew that if I didn’t go along, he would probably just divorce me. After much work and patience, I have finally gotten him to agree to come home. Sometimes I don’t think that he is excited about this as I am. I am thrilled. I can’t wait. He seems willing, but not particularly excited. I asked him the other day why I felt a little hesitation on his part. He said he had concerns about what was going to happen once he came home. He is worried that we are going to have the same problems that we had before the separation. I have vowed to be very careful and to be on my best behavior. But I know that I can’t walk on my tip toes forever. Most of our problem was every time there was conflict, it would just explode into a fight. The thing is, we always had a little conflict in our marriage, but in the beginning we handled it just fine. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that we really started fighting and having those fights cause problems. So I don’t know which version of us I’m going to get once he comes home. I’m hoping that we’re back to the mode where disagreements don’t really shake us, but I have no way to predict that. What should I avoid when he comes home. What should I not be doing?”

Focus On Natural And Easy.  Avoid Pressure: It’s normal for there to be a lot of pressure when a separated spouse comes home. And this is very unfortunate because it’s that very pressure that sometimes creates problems. You want to try to make things flow as naturally as possible. There is bound to be a little bit of awkwardness, especially at first. But, to the extent you can, you want to try to make sure that things feel very natural and easy.

Does this mean that you need to pretend that nothing is wrong when something obviously is? No, but you should try to understand that, at least at the beginning, your marriage is going to be a little fragile, so you want to make sure that you’re handling disagreements as gently and efficiently as you can. It’s unrealistic to think that you’re never going to argue once he’s home. Sure, every one is bound to be on their best behavior, but you can’t have an authentic relationship without conflict coming up at some point.

If You Build Up The Intimacy, The Negativity Doesn’t Tear You Down As Much: Many people find that when they are very bonded and having a good deal of intimacy toward one another, their problems don’t seem as large. That is why you fight fair and efficiently in the beginning and find that you just can’t resolve things toward the end.

And that is why intimacy and closeness should be a primary goal once he comes home. Don’t focus on the negative  – if it comes.  Focus on the positive gains that you are wanting to see. Conflict is easier when you’re feeling loved and loving. Maintaining this should always be important. That doesn’t mean that you bite your tongue when you have something important to say or that you act as if your spouse can do no wrong. But it does help to focus on what is right instead of what is wrong. Newlyweds do this all the time. And in a sense, when he comes back home, you may well be in the honeymoon phase for a time. That’s actually a positive thing because it may help with the uncertainty and awkwardness.

Don’t Over Think It Too Much: There can be a real tendency to over analyze everything that happens and to not relax because you’re scared of anything that may indicate that your reconciliation is just not going to work. This is natural. But try not to let this feeling take over. Try to relax and fall back on the knowledge that he wouldn’t be home if he didn’t want to make this work. Since you want it to work also, that is half the battle.

Focus on what is right between you and what remains. Try to rebuild and then maintain your closeness and intimacy. Avoid sabotaging yourself and your marriage with fears and doubts. Just enjoy this time. Every one worries that it won’t work. But you don’t want to make this worry a self fulfilling prophecy.

I admit that I was partly terrified when my husband came back home.  But I knew that I was willing to risk failure if it meant that we had a chance.  A chance of failure was better than a chance for nothing.  And we have more than made it. You can read more about my challenges during that time on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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