Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When we are adults and meet the person who we are sure that we are going to marry, many of us sort of set a goal at that point.  We want to control the circumstances so that, eventually, he will want to marry us.  This can be true even if he shows some resistance. Many of us believe that if we can just change his mind, he will see how wonderful marriage can be and, once we overcome that obstacle, then we will have a long and happy marriage.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out this way. Even when you think that your marriage is a good one, the man who didn’t want to get married in the first place can become the husband who isn’t sure he wants to stay married later. This can be painful, but it can also be very confusing, especially when you have a built a life together or there are children involved.

A wife might explain the dilemma like this: “my mom says that if I had listened to my husband when we were dating, then I wouldn’t be in the mess that I am now.  I dated my husband for nearly five years before I could convince him to marry me.  And even then, he was very open about the fact that he did not really believe in marriage and did not want to do it.  I chalked it up to the fact that his parents had a very nasty relationship and that he has no idea how a healthy marriage works.  I thought that I could teach him this because my parents have a wonderful marriage.  I honestly think that our marriage is pretty solid.  It is not perfect, but no marriage is.  We have a small child now.  We should be counting our blessings.  But my husband is not. He still only tolerates marriage.  He has starting suggesting that we separate and take some time apart and when I get annoyed by this, he will say: ‘you knew I didn’t want to get married.  I did not lie to you about this.  I made it very clear.  But you insisted and now here we are and I still don’t want to be married even though I love you and our child.  Marriage just doesn’t work for me.’  Because of our child, it’s not as simple as just going our separate ways. I love him and I don’t want for our child to grow up with only one parent.  Is there any way to make someone who doesn’t embrace marriage happy?”

Well, I don’t know your husband or the situation, but I would have probably tried what you did – I would have hoped that having a fulfilling marriage would overcome his objections. That’s a reasonable thing to hope for.  And we’ve all known couples who had one reluctant party going into it and who eventually changed their mind when the marriage was fulfilling.  I don’t think that you had an unrealistic goal. And the fact that your husband was willing to ignore his reservations and give marriage a try probably says a lot about his feelings for you.  He likely would not have been willing to do this if he did not love you and if he did not want it to work.

That said, there is obviously some reservation that is still at play.  I agree with you that I would not want to just give up before I tried everything possible to get the marriage back on track, especially since there is a child.  I admit that I am very old fashioned about marriage, but I think that if you’re in a situation where both people love one another and treat each other with respect, then it makes sense to try different things to turn this around before walking away.

In this case, I would think that seeking counseling would be a great place to start.  You may get some resistance from him and if so, you may have to go alone at first and then ask him to accompany you later as he sees how much it is helping you.  Many people ask their spouses to go in support of them as the first step toward joint counseling.  They sort of ease their spouse into it and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am suggesting counseling because I believe that a professional would have the best chance of uncovering what issues in the past are leading to your husband’s reluctance now.  He may not even know himself what is most contributing to his unhappiness.  Not only could a therapist help him pinpoint what is truly wrong, but he or she could also help both of you deal with this and then build the marriage that is going to work for both of you.

I know that not everyone loves the idea of counseling, but some issues just lend themselves to third party help.  Issues from childhood and issues that you’ve tried to work out on your own but can’t are good examples of this.

I know that you may be feeling as if you should have listened to your husband’s reservations when you were dating.  But you can’t turn back time.  You now have a family and a husband who admits that, despite his reservations, he does love you. To me, it makes sense to try and fight for it before you just give up.  There was a time when I had to fight for my marriage and I’m very glad that I did.  You can read more at my blog located at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: We’ve all witnessed it. We’ve all known couples who everyone else was jealous of. They were the ones who seemed the have the perfect marriage. They were the ones who you just knew were going to grow old together. They were the perfect couple. Until they weren’t. Somehow, someway, they separated and the husband moved out. Friends and family took bets as to how long it would take until the husband came crawling back, begging his wife to overlook his mistake. But this didn’t happen. Much to everyone’s surprise, he didn’t come back. Not ever. And the couple ended up divorcing. And this leaves everyone scratching their heads. Why do some men never come back when the marriage always seemed solid, while other marriages that seem to be barely hanging on survive? I’ll tell you some of my theories on this in the following article.

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem:  First things first.  The “perfect” couple likely doesn’t exist.  No one is perfect all of the time. Appearances are not reality.  A couple may look rough or appear to fight, but at least there is honestly and an investment.  A couple may look perfect and never fight, but only because they gloss over or deny some really vital issues that are going to come back to bite them later.

During The Actual Separation, The Couple Grow Further And Further Apart: I know that I often sound like a broken record when I harp on the need for setting up a regular communication schedule during a trial or marital separation. But because of my own experience, I know that it’s very vital. I also see a lot of couples gradually sort of lose touch and drift away from each other. You mean to talk or call. You truly do. But then you look around and you find that so much time has passed since the last call, and so you fear the awkwardness. Things just deteriorate from there.

So while the couple may have started out being only slightly estranged and still showing a decent amount of promise, the deterioration accumulates until one or both of them feels that there isn’t enough left. And they eventually give up.

Not Enough Has Changed: Many people separate in the hopes of “shaking up” their marriage or of “scaring” their spouse into change. The idea is that neither party can pretend that things are fine anymore. Neither party can just stick with the status quo. Once you are separated, it becomes pretty obvious that there needs to be change or your marriage may well end. People can go into this with good intentions. But real change is hard. It can sometimes require outside help. Not everyone is able or willing to bring it about or to maintain it. And some spouses are not willing to be patient and wait around for this to take place. They become frustrated and begin to believe that, no matter how long they wait around, nothing is going to change to their liking and so it is a waste of everyone’s time to continue to wait.

They Have Decided That They Are Happier Living Alone: This is probably every separated wife’s worst fear. And this is another reason that I stress frequent communication. Sometimes, a separated husband will think that he feels liberated and happy once he lives alone. This can particularly be true if there was a lot of tension and drama in the house when the couple lived together. It can feel like a relief. And he can feel as if he much prefers living alone and that he doesn’t want to go back to the drama.

He Thinks That He’s Found Someone Else Or He Enjoys Dating: This isn’t as common as you might think, but it does happen. Sometimes, he meets a new woman and even if he is not particularly serious about her, he takes this to mean something. He will feel that his interest in her might mean that he is not meant to be married anymore. He will tell himself that if it was right and “meant to be” with his wife, then he wouldn’t be interested in or comfortable with dating. (For the record, I disagree with this. I think that anybody can date and feel excited about “getting out there again,” only to eventually find that they miss their spouse.) But they’ve already thrown it away and then feel as if it’s too late – which leads me to my next point.

They Are Receiving Outside Pressure From Somewhere: I hear from a lot of wives who tell me that their husbands were being pressured by friends, co-workers, and family to “be free” or “get single.” Often times, he’s receiving much more input from these people as he is from you – because he isn’t living with you or seeing you at work, as he might be with them.

I don’t mean for this article to make you feel hopeless. I don’t like for wives to feel hopeless. I felt this way and it made me miserable. In hindsight, it was a waste of time. My husband eventually did come back. It was not in the time frame I wanted. It took much longer than I anticipated. And I was often ready to give up. But eventually he did come back. And I think that a big reason for this was that I did finally initiate change. And I did eventually back up and stop some of the possessive and clingy behaviors that were driving my husband crazy. I finally learned that there was a difference between regularly communicating and annoying my husband crazy with my clinginess. This made a big difference.  So sometimes the whole “never coming back fear” is just that – an unfounded fear. The whole story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: We often truly want to believe that we love our spouse because of who they are. We love their personality, their integrity, or the way that they make us laugh. But if we are being honest, most of us would have to admit that one of the first things that attracted us to our spouse was the way that they look. Sure, most of us don’t insist on someone who looks like a model or movie star. But, very few people end up married to someone who they can not find attractive. Your spouse may not look like the person you imagined when you were much younger (at least mine doesn’t) but most of us come to love the way our spouse looks. So what happens when those looks change? And should you feel guilty if this matters to you?

A wife might sheepishly explain: “I feel like such a superficial jerk. But lately, I’ve been very bothered by my husband’s appearance. And none of it is his fault. He’s had to go on medications due to a medical condition. And this has made him gain weight. And it gives him a puffy appearance. The great irony of this is that I’m no great beauty myself. I used to be very insecure because I figured people always thought we were mismatched. My husband was so handsome and I was just average looking. Because of this, I felt like I had this huge catch. I felt so lucky. And now my husband isn’t that handsome man anymore. Don’t get me wrong. He isn’t ugly or unattractive. In fact, now we’re probably much more evenly matched, which you would think would make me more comfortable. But no, I worry about it. I find myself shopping for clothing that will make my husband look more attractive. When I gave him some of these clothes, he asked if anything was wrong with his old clothes, and he seemed hurt. The thing is, I’m not normally someone who cares that much about looks. I certainly am not preoccupied with my own. And a person’s personality and integrity is normally much more important to me. I am so disappointed in myself for being this shallow. Why is his appearance so important to me? And how can I stop this?”

I think you’re being a bit too hard on yourself. I actually get a lot of correspondence from people who are considering a separation or divorce simply because they are not attracted to their spouse anymore. You are not even approaching that. You just notice a change. And although you are bothered by it, you do not appear motivated to act on it.

It is human nature to be drawn to things (and people) that we find attractive. So, when that attraction wanes or changes, it’s natural to wonder what this means for our marriage. It is also just a fact of life that none of us are going to look the way that we did when our spouse first met us. Every one ages. Every one changes. Some of us age better than others. But we hope that our spouse sees what is within us in addition to what is on the outside.

I can only tell you my opinion. My take on this has always been that it’s fine to expect your spouse to make an effort. I think that we should all present our best selves to the world. I work out to stay fit and I take care with my appearance as best as I can based on what is realistic considering what I have to work with. I would hope that my spouse would do the same. At the same time, I am never going to look like Angelina Jolie. I am a woman of a certain age and it is unrealistic to expect me to look like anything but that. I draw the line at injecting things in my face and having unrealistic expectations. There are things that you just can’t help. And I think, at least for me, that truly is the difference. If there are things about their appearance that your spouse can not help – then there is really no good that can come of trying to change that or holding that unlucky fact against them.

A change in appearance due to medication is quite different than a change due to a love of donuts or an aversion to working out. I think it’s fine to do the best you can with what you have – and that’s probably why you turned to new clothing.

As to why this matters so much to you, I think that part of it is that perception that you got the better end of the deal because you saw your husband as so handsome, while you felt that you were more average. (You may well have been selling yourself short.) And you may also think that his appearance is a reflection on you and your own worth. But you probably know that for most people, the attraction typically changes over time. Physical attraction is only part of it. You become attracted to the person inside – that you know better than anyone else. You appreciate your history and how much you have been through together. You appreciate the support and understanding your spouse has given you.

To me, these things are much more important than what you see on the outside. You already know this or this change would not trouble and confuse you so much. Perhaps as your husband becomes more used to the medication, the changes will taper off. But in the meantime, I think that it will help if you place your focus on the inside, on the support, and on those things that have not changed – perhaps his smile, his hands, his broad shoulders. I suspect that not everything has changed. And I also suspect that it will get better. This is new. And an illness brings on stress. There’s nothing wrong with trying to maximize with what you have to work with, but at the same time, you don’t want to hurt your husband – who is already going through a trying time. It’s better to know that you are a loving, united couple than a couple who looks great, but who doesn’t have that connection.

Changes in appearance are usually just one thing a couple has to navigate within their marriage.  There are many other potential changes that may come up.  We didn’t always navigate these changes well, which is probably one of the things that lead to our separation.  But we have learned from that. And now I always try to ask myself how changes and stressors can bring us closer together.  There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I have come to believe that it is kind of rare to be married for a long time and not have any period when life and marriage becomes a little stale. It happens to the best of us and it doesn’t always reflect directly on our marriages. People get into ruts in their jobs or with their day-to-day routines and responsibilities. Many of us get to midlife and wonder things like: “is there all there is?” And when that happens, people can tend to walk through life in kind of a daze. Of course, this is often very noticeable by the people who care about you. And if can affect your important relationships, including your marriage.

Many of us truly want to be supportive when our spouse goes through something like this. We are concerned and we want for them to be happy. In the beginning, we really want to help.  But after a while, we find that they are bringing us down, too. It can be difficult to balance their need for support and your need for a more upbeat environment.

A wife who is dealing with this might see her husband as hopelessly mopey. She might describe a situation like this: “for probably the past eight months, my husband has just sort of aimlessly moped around the house. I don’t really get what is wrong with him. We are finally in a place where we don’t have to worry about money as much anymore. We are in a good place in our careers and with our children. This is the place we wanted to be when we were younger and just starting out. And yet, he doesn’t seem to be savoring any of it. Frankly, it’s depressing to be around him. Literally, he will come from work, pretty much eat his dinner without much conversation and probably without tasting it, and then he will change into ratty clothes and fall on the couch and sit there and watch dumb sitcoms until it is time to go to bed. I ask him to go with me to take the dogs for a walk or do something else, but he always refuses. I have asked him what is wrong and he insists that there is nothing wrong. He is so mopey that it’s infuriating. If he doesn’t snap out of it, I don’t know what I’ll do because I don’t want to live this way for the rest of my life.”

I hear about this quite a bit. And I’ve actually gone through some mopey phases myself. Here is what I can tell you about why it happens and what it feels like. Perhaps that will at least give you a little bit of perspective. In my own case, the mopey periods were not personal to my husband. I wasn’t acting in the way that I was because I was unhappy in my marriage. Actually the opposite is true. When I was going through this, I was very grateful that I had a supportive spouse who was standing by me.

I find that when I go through these periods, I tend to be living in a safe way and not expressing enough creativity. Or, I’ve stopped working out.  Or I’ve made my world very small. Essentially, when I start going through the motions of life, taking the easy way out, and not challenging myself intellectually and physically, I tend to get a little down because I thrive on challenge, even if I tend to get lazy and not seek those out.

When I get like this, it helps if my husband challenges me to do something physical with him like go hiking or roller blading. Once, he purchased an online writing class for me and this forced me to once again tap into my creativity.

I find it interesting that it was indicated that the husband seemed to be going through a rut just as his career had reached some goals he’d set. It’s common to get into a rut at this time because you perceive that there’s nothing left to work for. Many people need constant challenges in their life to stay fresh. Nothing says that your husband can’t set new goals. Or explore other areas of his personality. Many people will try to pursue side hobbies in a more professional way once they reach a certain point in their career. I thought about actually trying to publish some of my writing. My husband began selling some of his wood working. Neither of us has gotten wealthy doing this, but it gives us new goals and new ways to keep busy.

This is only my opinion based on my own experiences with this, but I think that before you give up on a marriage and a partner that has withstood the test of time, you might try to encourage him toward new challenges or try to introduce some new adventures to get him out of his rut.

Of course, you sometimes need to be creative as to how you do this. You don’t want to present this as if there’s something wrong with him. But sometimes, the person going through the rut can’t really see things objectively and they need a gentle nudge.

Here’s one more things to consider. Sometimes, being in a rut is the start of depression. I’m not a counselor or expert, but consulting one if things don’t improve is never a bad idea. Sometimes our hormones change as we age and this contributes to that process as well.

It wasn’t until after my separation that I accepted that my husband can help me if I let him.  The worst thing that a spouse can do is to isolate themselves.   No one needs a struggling marriage or an angry spouse on top of the rut.  I had a tendency to mope before my separation.  I like to think that I’ve mostly shaken this.  There’s more about what contributed most to the separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When we first get married, we assume that we have just become partners with someone who is always going to have our back, who is always going to be our biggest supporter, and who is always going to treat us kindly.  We assume this because, in the early days, most of us are on our best behavior (and that behavior doesn’t change when stress shows its ugly face – because our love is in its early phases.)

Oh, the sweet naivety of youth or of the newly married.  The truth is, despite our best intentions, even the most loving and committed of us are short with our spouses when we have bad days or we say things that we desperately wish that we could take back.  If we are lucky, these things only happen occasionally and it causes no real damage. Other times, the stressors are so constant that this can almost become a habit.  And that is when the real damage is done.

A wife might explain: “when I first met my husband, he treated me like gold.  He always complimented me and spoke to me sweetly.  We are quite different.  He is more academic than I am, but he seemed to love teaching me things.  He was always very patient and he would always defend me if any one dared to criticize me.  The man I see before me these days is so different from that man who used to act like he treasured me.  Lately, my husband is so condescending to me. He has been going through something at his job. It’s not really a demotion.  It’s just a difference in the way that he can bill and can therefore be paid.  It means that we will have to adjust our lifestyle a little bit.  Obviously, I need to understand everything that I can about this.  But when I try to ask questions, he acts as if they were the dumbest questions he has ever heard.  And then he gives me this slow, drawn out explanation, as if the slow pace is required so that someone as dumb as me will have a chance to understand.  And it’s just not all about his work. A couple of weeks ago, we were planning a short vacation (we can’t take a regular one because of his work.)  I was trying to give my input about the things that I wanted to see and do, and honestly, his tone and his body language totally dismissed me.  He booked what he wanted to do and didn’t seem to give any thought about my input.  I’m starting to get the feeling that he doesn’t respect me.  I suspect he thinks that I am not his intellectual equal. It was never a problem before, but now it just feels condescending. And I do not want this type of marriage.  I still love my husband, but I can not let him talk down to me. I don’t want to be married to someone who treats me this way.”

I don’t blame you for being upset.  We expect our spouse to be our soft place to fall.  We expect to feel safe and heard when we talk to them.  When we feel disrespected and dismissed, then it feels like a betrayal and like we’ve lost something that is so very important.

However, it’s also important to note that, when we feel this way, we can lose our objectivity.  We focus on what is wrong without digging to determine what could be making it wrong.  That’s understandable.  It’s human nature to focus on the hurt and not the cause.  But I bring this up because it seems that, from your earlier description, it’s not in your husband’s nature to be this way.  When you met him, he was gentle and kind.  Which means that there could be a recent development that is contributing to his condescending attitude now.

I am not excusing him. No one should be condescending to their spouse.  But if he is acting this way out of stress and you still love him, then at least to me, it makes sense to explore how to make this better before you make a rash decision like ending or pausing your marriage before trying to fix it.

The first suggestion I would have would be to draw his attention to it.  He may not even realize that he’s doing it and it is likely not his intention.  However, you want to be careful that you aren’t making it sound like you’re attacking him or saying he’s a bad person.  You want to make it sound like you concerned for both him and you.

So a suggestion might be something like: “honey, I know that you likely don’t mean to, but your tone is upsetting me.  I know you’d never hurt me on purpose, but it sounds like you’re talking to a child when you talk to me sometimes.  And it hurts my feelings.  It makes me feel like I’m not important to you.  I don’t mean to add to what you’re dealing with because I know that you have a lot going on at work.  I want to help you. But it’s harder to do that when your tone is almost telling me to stay away.  I wanted to make you aware of this because it’s not getting us anywhere. We’ll make more progress if we pull together and are kind to one another.”

You may find that he immediately apologizes to you and was completely unaware that he was coming off in the way that he was.  Or, he may get defensive and tell you that you were imagining it.  If so, at least you would have put it out there and hopefully, he will be more careful with his tone.  But try to keep in mind that the stressors he is under are probably contributing to the way he speaks to every one.  You have every right to ask that he not speak to you in this way.  But be careful that you don’t just add to his stress level and that you make it clear that you want to support him.  All of this is easier to do that if you’re both communicating in a loving and supportive manner.

Prior to my separation, my husband and I had gotten into the habit of talking to one another in a way that was less than kind.  When I think back now, I realize that I was sometimes more considerate to strangers than to my own husband. Changing this took awareness and effort but it was worth it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are first dating your spouse, your differences are sometimes seen as assets.  In the beginning, you will often see the fact that you are not the same as a positive thing because the differences can make your life feel enhanced.

But after you have been married for a little while, the differences can cause a bit of conflict and you can start to worry if they are going to be your marriage’s undoing. Those little opposing forces that were so cute in the beginning now drive you a little crazy and you wonder what this is going to do to your marriage in the long term – especially as you watch those differences widen and become more noticeable.

A wife might explain: “when we were dating, people used to laugh at how mismatched we were as a couple. My husband is extremely ambitious and I am not. Material things are not at all important to me. Making a difference is. I could care less about finances or politics. I only like to enjoy the beauty in the world, not the drama or the climbing of the corporate ladder. I am drawn to art and causes that are important to me. My husband could care less about things that are not tangible. I used to like this about him. But lately, I see him as a bit cold and calculating. I worry about what this might mean when we have kids. I don’t want to raise them as valuing success and material things. When I’m at retirement age, I’d like to sell the house and travel in an RV or something. My husband would never do this. And I am starting to think that we aren’t compatible. I worry about this. How could I have married someone so completely different than me?”

We are often attracted to people who are different. It adds spice to our lives and very often, it eases our lives in some way – even if we do not realize it. The situation that you describe feels quite familiar to me because my husband is the rational one in our marriage and I am the dreamer. This wasn’t always easy. Early in our marriage, I was extremely annoyed by my husband’s financial rigidness. I often felt that he would never let me buy anything. And he probably felt like I was very undisciplined when it came to finances. Today, however, I am very grateful that my husband was so stringent early on.  We often have these realizations only later, which was definitely the case with me.

The recent economy issues have meant that some of our friends who more frivolous with money (the same ones that I used to be envious of) have lost valuable assets or had to file for bankruptcy. Now that I am older, I realize that this is one way my husband attempts to show me that he cares. It isn’t always fun for me. But keeping me accountable about spending is his way of making sure our future is secure. I clearly see the value in this today, even though I couldn’t always say this. Likewise, my husband’s focus on earning money has meant that this is something that I, who could care less about money, could turn my attention away from. It’s a nice balance.

And my husband often comments that he appreciates coming home to an entirely different environment than his office. Yes, it is all about business during the work day, but he comes home to something very different and he appreciates that – at least most of the time.

Now, I do know some couples who are extremely similar. They had the same upbringing and have the same world view. They finish each other’s sentences and their marriage works quite well. The point is, there is not one type of marriage that works for every one. Some couples thrive in a marriage of two very similar people.

And some marriages thrive in the presence of two difference people. Yes, having different outlooks can create challenges, but many couples make it work. The key is learning to compromise, to be honest, and to focus on what brings you together and unites you rather than what divides you.

Sure, my husband and I differ in many of our preferences.  But we have cultivated a life where we value those things we can share. We both adore our families and our dogs. We love hitting flea markets on weekends (although we shop for very different things.)  If you look, you can usually find plenty that brings you together.

I think this is most likely to become a problem when you have a situation where differences are being criticized and not respected. When one spouse belittles or lies blame with these differences, then that is a different situation. You don’t want to label your spouse with negative descriptions simply because they are different from yours.

That’s not the case here, but I would like to offer one final insight.  I often find that when my husband’s differences bug me the most is when I am the most disconnected from him.  It is usually due to a stressful time in our lives where we haven’t carved out the time to connect.  Frankly, when my husband and I are taking the time and deeply connecting, I think that most everything he does is adorable.  But when we aren’t connecting, every tiny thing can annoy me.  Perhaps you could look at your marriage and ask yourself if you’re connecting? If not, make the time and you might find that the differences are no longer that central of an issue.

As I alluded to before, my husband and I had a time when we were separated.  This was an awful time and it changed my perspective.  I no longer look for our differences, but at what we can share together.  No, he is not at all like me.  But that doesn’t make him, or our marriage, wrong.   We try to focus on making it work for us.  And you do have to work to make the time for that.  It is an effort. But it is worth it.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  From the correspondence that I get, I find that in many cases, when a marital separation is on the horizon, one spouse may be more invested than the other.  What I mean by this is that although both spouses may be unhappy and may want change, one person may be pulling away more than the other.

For example, you may have a wife who is well aware that her marriage is seriously deteriorating.  Her husband may be constantly complaining about how unhappy he is.  And she may have no doubt that something is going to have to change if she hopes to be married next year.  Even so, she may have no intentions of walking away or moving out.  The hope may be that with work, she might find that stimulus to make things better.  Unfortunately, her husband may not feel the same.  He may agree that the marriage is in a steep decline.  But unlike his wife, he is not willing to just sit tight and hope for change.  Instead, he wants to take action and insists that one person moves out or a separation takes place.

Having said all of the above, there are some instances in which the spouse who is motivated to take action just can not bring themselves to be the who makes the ultimate decision to leave the home.  Here’s a scenario to demonstrate what I mean.  A wife might say: “listen, I’m not going to pretend that I am thrilled with my marriage or that nothing is wrong. I’m not and there is.  My marriage is in big trouble.  I’m not happy with it.  But I would not walk away from it.  Because I have my children to consider.  My husband acts as if living here with me is intolerable.  He acts like the marriage is so broken that the living conditions are like a prison.  He’s made it very clear that he wants to move out, but he doesn’t seem to have the guts to do it.  He will pick fights with me and then when I get angry, he will say, ‘do you want me to move out?’  Sometimes when we argue, he will mutter, ‘well maybe I should just move out.’  Sometimes I will answer that if moving out is what he wants, then perhaps that is what he should do.  And then he will tell me that him moving out should be a joint decision.  The thing is, I can’t bring myself to tell him to move out.  Because I ultimately do not want that.  But my pride will not allow me to beg him to stay, either.  Why does he insist on making me decide if he is going to move out?  Shouldn’t this be his decision?”

Indeed, it should.  But I have to tell you when someone puts a decision in someone else’s hands, to me, that indicates doubt and indecision.  It almost indicates that they want you to talk them out of it.  In my experience, if someone is so unhappy in their marriage and in their home that it is truly unbearable, they are not going to ask permission to move out; they are just going to do it.

Sure, they may have hesitation, doubt, or regret about doing it.  They may not really want to.  But when things truly get unbearable, they act.  They do not give you the opportunity to veto their decision, if in fact they have truly made a decision.

Of course, this is just one person’s opinion.  I don’t know your husband, so I can only speculate.  But it seems to me that by not only asking your input, but also basically asking you to make the decision for him, he’s leaving room for you to either attempt to talk him out of it or to tell him that you truly don’t want for him to go.

Unfortunately, there can be a good deal of posturing that goes on during or before a separation.  Both people are hurting, have raw feelings, and also have their pride.  Because of this, both people hesitate to share their true desires and intentions.  No one wants to be rejected.  So one way to sort of “flesh out” your spouse’s feelings is to make threats or to float a scenario in the hopes that your spouse will oppose your threats or try to thwart your scenario.

It’s not an ideal plan, but the hope is that, by trying to talk your husband out of moving out, he’s gotten you to admit that you don’t want a divorce and perhaps there is some relief in that.

It may seem quite unfair that he is putting you in this position.  I would agree that it would be easier if he took responsibility of his own decisions. But if you say this, you could fuel the fire, so to speak.  So it may be better to have a conversation like: “I understand that you want my input about this, but I’m not comfortable making a decision that really has to be yours.  You would be the one moving out, not me.  My physically staying put should be an indication of how I feel about things.  I realize that our marriage needs work.  I am not denying that.  But I’ve never threatened to move out.  You’ve asked for my input on this and so here it is.  But I can’t make the decision for you. And I’m not asking you to go.”

Short of begging him to stay, this conversation makes your point pretty clearly.  You’re denying responsibility for the decision and you’ve indicated that you’re staying put, but know that there needs to be change.  Should your husband not move out, my next step would be bringing about real change.  In my experience, that is what people are looking for just before they move out.  They want to see that, should they stay, the marriage will change enough and make enough progress so that moving out is not necessary.

I wish I had tried change rather than negotiation or debate before my separation.  It only lead to separate homes, which made it that much more difficult to get my husband back once we weren’t living under the same roof.  I eventually saved my marriage, but it was much harder, and took much longer, than it needed to.  There’s more to the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people assume that married couples are more alike than different. After all, if you’re going to spend a life time together, isn’t it going to be easier if you agree on most things? Especially the things that are important? I don’t necessarily think that this is always true, but this seems to be society’s view.

That’s why it can be quite a shock when, after you’ve been married for a while, you start to disagree on things that aren’t so minor anymore. Examples are how to raise your children, which religion to practice, and how to spend your money and time. At best, these differences often require careful negotiation and communication. At worst, they can put your marriage at risk.

And these differences can make people question their love for one another. Someone might explain a situation like this one: “I love my husband dearly. I want to make that clear and get it out of the way. But lately, I do not like how he is acting. I knew when I married him that we would have cultural differences. He is from the North. And I am from the South. In my family, we dote on our children. For example, when one child has a birthday, we buy presents for all of the kids, because we don’t want for anyone to be left out. When one member of our family gets too old to care for themselves, someone will invite them to live with the family rather than going into assisted living. When you have a god child, you are expected to love that god child like your own and you are expected to attend all important events in that child’s life. I have god children that live in other states. When I try to be involved in their lives, my husband gets annoyed. He says that we can’t afford to travel every time something happens. And that it is silly to buy every cousin a gift when someone has a birthday. By his tone of voice, he makes it sound as if my family is backward or something. I resent this. And the other day I got so angry about it that I told my husband I did not agree with him. I told him that it is important to me to remain close to my family and I wasn’t going to hold back just because he is choosing to be cheap and stingy. He was furious and said that he doesn’t know how I can possibly love someone as ‘cheap and stingy’ as him. I told him that was ridiculous and his response to me was that I sure don’t act very loving to him.  He said that I act as if I love my distant cousins and god children more than him. None of that is true. I love him. He is the most important person in my life. But must I choose between him and my family? And how do I make him see that just because I don’t agree with him, I still love him?”

What you are going through is not at all uncommon. One of the greatest tricks to married life is negotiating this sort of thing so that no one has hurt feelings or doesn’t feel that they matter. It’s a tough situation because both sets of families are used to being front and center. I dealt with this in my marriage also. I had never spent a single holiday away from my family when I got married. And yet now I had a husband with a family who wanted to see him on holidays and who were just as close as my own family.

In the early years of our marriage, the dual family situation did cause conflict. For a couple of years there, holidays were not particularly happy for us. Until we decided that the only way to make every one somewhat happy was to alternate the get togethers with no questions asked. One year it is his parents and one year it is mine. I will be honest. On the years that we go to his family’s, I miss mine. But they don’t live close enough together to see them both. And when you are married, you have to compromise. I can’t blame my husband for wanting to spend the holidays with his family when I want the very same thing. In the end, we are both in the exact same situation and we are doing the best we can.

You’re in a similar situation where neither person is wrong. You want to express your love for your family and he wants to stick to a budget and establish boundaries within your married life. Both goals are absolutely understandable. No one is the bad guy here. And I think that if you show him that you are willing to compromise, he will drop the whole “you don’t love me if you disagree” argument because he will see that you love him enough to compromise.

So I think it helps to ask yourself what is most important to you. Perhaps you really feel strongly about acknowledging being involved with your god children,n but you would settle for smaller gifts or cards for someone who isn’t having a birthday? Maybe, like me, you alternate family gatherings between his family and yours. Whatever you choose, make sure that you are comfortable with it so there is no question that you’re willing to compromise.

Many families have to navigate this and it isn’t always comfortable because it requires change. People get used to things one way and so there is resistance to change. But no one can blame either of you for wanting to remain involved with your families while creating your own marital traditions. The key is figuring out how to negotiate this with love and respect. You might have this conversation with your husband: “our disagreeing doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other. It just means that we need to sit down and negotiate this. Neither of us is wrong. We are both working with what is normal for us as individuals. Now, we just have to establish what is normal for us a couple. I’m more than willing to do this if you are. I don’t want for this to create conflict in our marriage.”

Then, lay out where you’re willing to negotiate. You might be surprised to find that he will do the same. People often just want to feel as if you are willing to work with them and that you are not just automatically dismissing their point of view.

I don’t necessarily think that these conflicts are what lead to my separation.  But I do have to admit that I was less willing to compromise in other areas of my marriage and that was obviously a mistake.  It put my marriage at serious risk. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I will admit that when I was first separated (and fear and loneliness haven’t yet worn me down,) I told myself that I wanted my husband back only if he could come back willingly and only when he could be enthusiastic about it. However, this did not last for long. Once it became pretty evident that this was not going to happen on any quick schedule, I began to lower my expectations somewhat.

And when the separation continued to drag on for a painful amount of time, I began to accept that I would take my husband back in any way that I could get him. At the time, I didn’t really think about how I might respond if my husband came back dragging his feet and clearly doubtful. Thankfully, this didn’t turn out to be the case. But what happens when it is? Do you throw in the towel because things are not as you envisioned them? What happens when your husband is very honest about the fact that coming home isn’t his idea of an ideal scenario? What if he is very honest about the fact that he sees coming home as his worst case scenario?

A wife might say: “my husband finally announced that he is coming home after a long trial separation. But he said it as if he is on the losing team of the super bowl or something. Like he is coming home with his tail between his legs. He said he left to find himself, but he’s come to the conclusion that he might never find himself or ever be fulfilled. And so he doesn’t feel it’s fair to continue to punish the kids while he looks for something that he may never find. My first inclination is to be glad that he’s coming home. This is what I have wanted. But my sister has said (and she is right) that this is an empty victory. I am only getting him by default. He couldn’t figure out how to be happy without me, so he’s just going to be unhappy with me. A few weeks ago, I was excited about the thought of a reconciliation, but now the excitement has waned (because he is pretty much telling me that he’ll come home but not with any enthusiasm whatsoever.) What am I supposed to do with this?”

I know that this is difficult. It may feel like you’re left with choices that aren’t acceptable. You can take him back, fearing that he doesn’t want to be there. Or you can try to take the high road and go it alone or delay a reconciliation with the risk that you might not ever get a second chance.

Understand That Compromise May Be Necessary: As someone who did reconcile after a separation, I can tell you that there are often many compromises that seem like a high price to pay at the time. Sure, we want that romantic, perfect reconciliation where both people are sincere and sure in their attempt to make it work. But not every one is this lucky. No matter how badly you want to reconcile, there is always going to be doubt and fear of failure. They may be some second guessing. This is just natural. But the feelings that you have in the beginning are not always the feelings that you are left with.

As things get resolved and your worst fears don’t happen, you begin to gain confidence in the reconciliation, and that sense that you are getting him by default may begin to wane.

Sure, I would have loved for my husband to be openly declaring his love for me and planning the wonderful, new and improved marriage that we were going to enjoy. But this didn’t happen. We were both hesitant. We were both afraid. There were some awkward days and nights. But we kept moving forward. And as time passed, things got better.

Look For Evidence Of Projection: If you suspect that your husband is going through a sort of disillusionment with other aspects of his life, it never hurts to address this in counseling. Sometimes, he projects this dissatisfaction onto your marriage (when your marriage isn’t the problem now and never really has been.) When people are generally unhappy about their place in the world, they tend to project that on almost everything. It makes sense then, that changing this point of view can also cause a great turn around in his view of your marriage.

But I think it’s a mistake to assume that he will never regain his enthusiasm. It’s natural to have some doubts and some reluctance. There is a lot at stake. People are afraid of failure and rejection. But most move forward anyway. And some find that they were able to restore what was lost. You have to work hard. And you have to have patience. And sometimes, you have to wait it out. But in my experience, waiting it out is better than remaining separated. Even if you have to wait it out, at least you have a chance to end the separation.  My view was that ending the separation was always goal number one, even if things weren’t perfect.  This worked out well, as I am still married today because of this view.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In some matters, it feels as if it almost pays to be naive or in the dark – at least where your marriage is concerned. Because some knowledge can never be unlearned once you learn it. And when it is something that is very hurtful – like your spouse being unhappy or considering a separation or divorce – it is not something that you can gloss over or not act upon.

Imagine this scenario. You are in the middle of a nasty fight, and not knowing what else to say, you let slip out: “well, if you are that unhappy, you should just leave me then. To which your husband replies: “believe me, I have considered it”

A wife in this situation may have these types of feelings: “I admit that I picked that fight with my husband. But it has changed everything. Lately, we have been picking fights with each other all of the time. I have had to take on more responsibility at work and this stresses me out. I have no choice in it though because I make the most money. However, my husband does nothing to pick up the slack at home. I get home from a long and stressful day and I must make dinner and deal with the kids, even though he has been home for a while and could have easily gotten this started. He complains that I’m always tired and not present and he’s probably right about that.  But the reason for this is that I’m pulled every which way with my job and family obligations. I feel that it is selfish of him to complain about his own needs when I’m juggling so much. When I said he should just leave me if he was unhappy, I was trying to show him how absurd his unhappiness truly was. I never expected him to agree with me. And I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like he was almost hiding the truth from me while he was plotting to make his escape and I am resentful about that.”

A Little Perspective About Statements Made In The Heat Of The Moment: I understand your thinking, but I want for you to consider something. Did you really mean what you said when you told him that he should leave you due to his unhappiness? Of course you didn’t. You said this in the heat of the moment. And, if we are being really honest, you may have secretly hoped that he responded by reassuring you that he did not want to leave.

Likewise, he may have responded that he had considered leaving in the heat of the moment. And he may not really mean it, either. That said, I think that it is always a mistake to ignore warning signs that pop up in your marriage and I learned this the hard way.

Addressing The Key Issues Effectively: You have this knowledge and it’s not realistic to pretend that you don’t. But I think there is a way to address it without panicking. Because panic can lead you to live in a sense of dread and to almost attract that thing that you don’t want. This keeps you from living in the moment and from enjoying the good stuff in life that is right in front of you.

That’s why I think it makes sense to address the tension that has cropped up because of your new work responsibilities. If you can get to a place where your husband is helping to lighten your load instead of adding more stress, then this could actually bring you closer together rather than pulling you apart.

But when you bring this up, you have to do it carefully, so that it doesn’t sound like an accusation or a demand.  I’d suggest that the first course of action might be to clear the air about the argument. You could try: “when I said that you should leave if you are not happy, I absolutely did not mean it. I was just responding to feeling stressed out because of my work situation. I don’t want you to leave. I need our marriage as a source of support more than ever and I don’t mean to take the stress out on my family.”

Pause and let him respond. Hopefully, he will admit that he didn’t mean it when he said he’d thought about leaving, but if he doesn’t, you could try: “I am not sure how serious you were when you said you’d thought about leaving. I hope it’s not true. But if it is, could you share with me what made you feel that way? I’m very committed to not letting our new situation destroy our marriage.”

He may share some things within your marriage that could use improvement. Listen without interrupting and see if you can accomplish what he has asked. While you’re discussing improvements, that would likely be a good time to tell him that you could use some help in the evenings. Perhaps he could start dinner or get the kids started with their homework. That way, when you get home, you can leave your stress at the door and enjoy the time with your family without it feeling like more work. On really stressful days, I make no apologies for ordering out or having very simple meals. Do whatever is necessary in order to make it easier on yourself. I suspect that your husband would support you in this. He likely wants the same thing that you do – to feel like peace and sense of family in his home once again.

Honestly, even when my husband and I were separated, we wanted the same things, but we didn’t know it.  I believe that this is true most of the time.  Everyone wants to feel heard and valued.  This is truly the core of everything.  You can read more about how these truths saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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