Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of us want to feel as if we are our spouse’s equal. By that I mean that we want to feel that we are well matched. We want to feel that we got a great catch with our spouse, but we don’t want to believe that he is so good a catch that we don’t deserve him or that people will look at us as a couple and think that he could have done better. We don’t want to feel that we married so far out of our league that we have to be insecure about it. And yet, often, we place these doubts onto ourselves quite willingly because we are projecting our own insecurities.

Someone might have a worry like: “when my husband and I first met, we were both very ambitious. We met in law school and I was actually higher ranked in our class than he was. He used to come over under the guise of studying with me because I was considered one of the brightest students in our year. Also, I was beautiful when I was younger. My husband was not the only man who wanted me. I was tiny and had beautiful skin and hair. My husband pursued me relentlessly. When I look at our wedding pictures, I see a man who clearly feels very lucky. And yet, I can’t help but wonder how lucky he feels today. I am a mother of three and my kids are my life. When my second child was born, my husband and I decided that I would stay at home. So when my husband married me, he probably thought we’d be a high income, dual earning family. But we’re not. He makes a good living, but we still have to watch what we spend because we’re just living on one income. Also, I gained weight with each pregnancy and although my face is still pretty, I definitely don’t look like I did when we first married. Sometimes, we have to go to events for my husband’s career. I see all of the other men’s wives and all of them seem to be so busy and glamorous. Many of them work. I feel like I’m less than them by comparison and I worry that my husband is somewhat ashamed. I feel like I’ve let my husband down. And I worry that one day, he will realize that he could have better. I worry that I will lose my marriage because of this, but I feel like it’s too late to change now. I still want to be home because of my kids.”

I do understand how you feel, but I think that you should consider that you are only speculating about how your husband feels. You are feeling badly about yourself, so you are imagining that he is feeling badly too. But, it sounds as if you both decided that it would be beneficial to your family if you stayed home. It sounds like it was a joint decision. So your husband might actually take comfort from and find satisfaction and reassurance in a spouse who stays home for the benefit of his children. He may actually take pride in the fact that he earns a good enough living so that his children can have an at-home parent. Of course, I am only speculating also. But I am trying to bring your attention to another possibility. We often assume the worst about ourselves before anyone has given us a reason to do so. And our doubts can lead us to see things that aren’t there.

I also understand the concern about your marriage, but if I have to tell you that insecurity almost makes your fears more likely to come true. If you approach your husband in a way that says you are not good enough and he could do better, he may eventually come to believe this (even if didn’t start out believing it.) I would suggest working on building your confidence. You are still the smart, high-achieving woman he married. You made a conscious decision for the sake of your family and that decision is loving and brave. If there is something about your appearance that bothers you and if addressing it would make you feel better, than you don’t need anyone else’s permission to make yourself as a high a priority as any other member of your family. Feeling good about yourself and caring for yourself ensures that your children have the best mother possible and that your husband has the best wife possible.

I believe that often, making ourselves as strong and as confident as we can possibly be benefits our marriage also. If your are insecure and unsure, this is probably going to negatively affect your marriage in more real ways than the fears that you are projecting – which might not even be true.

My suggestion would be to address any worries that you can. This should help to restore your confidence and alleviate some of the doubts. But beyond that, know that sometimes we contribute to our family’s bottom line in ways that are more valuable than money or status. Hold your head high.  Being a loving mother and spouse is one of the most important jobs in this world.

When my husband and I separated, I was always afraid he would find someone better.  Honestly, I think this hurt our chances for a reconciliation.  I had to learn to project more confidence than I felt.  You know how they say ‘fake it til you make it?’  Well, sometimes that is very good advice.  It helps to truly believe that you are worthy and that you deserve what you want. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes,when you notice that you are fighting with your husband much more than usual, you will try to attribute it to stress or just a rough patch. But when your husband admits a very painful and difficult truth – like the fact that he would prefer not to be around you – then you often have no choice but to face reality and to deal with the matter at hand.

I might hear from a wife who says: “last night, my husband and I got into a huge fight. I was arguing with him because for the third night in a row, he didn’t bother to come home for dinner. This is disrespectful to my children and myself and it really bothers me. My husband tried to deflect the situation for a few minutes by telling me that I was overreaching. But I didn’t stop at that point. So he blurted out that he isn’t coming home because he doesn’t like to be around me. I asked him what this was supposed to mean and he said my attitude has changed and I’m not the person that I used to be. He is right about that. I freely admit that I am more on edge and I worry about more than I used to. But this is all his fault. He made some awful investments and now we are being forced to pay off money that we don’t have. He did all of this behind my back. So I am very stressed out and worried. I envision a scenario where we lose our home. And I admit that I frequently ask my husband if he has made any progress on our finances or what he is planning to do about the mess that we are in. He says that I bring him down all of the time. He says that things are bad enough without my always dragging attention to our problems and moping around the house like I do. I admit that I probably am not the life of the party these days. But I have a good reason to act the way that I am. This is his fault and he deserves it. If he wanted me to act loving and friendly toward him, then he shouldn’t have squandered our money.”

I am not going to tell you that you don’t have any right to be frustrated because you absolutely do. But, I think that you have to be careful that you aren’t adding marital issues to your list of things to worry about. I can’t argue the fact that you are dealing with a stressful situation. Of course you are going to worry and be on edge. And, as a result, you might be more short-tempered than usual. But I think that it makes a lot of sense to try to find other ways to let this out rather than to be abrasive toward your husband.

I don’t want to insinuate that he doesn’t owe you a huge apology or that there shouldn’t be consequences for his actions. But, think about it for a second. Your main worry here is your family. You don’t want for his money mistakes to threaten the security of your family. But, wouldn’t marital issues threaten it also?

I understand that you are dealing with a huge stressor and that you probably can’t even always recognize or control your anger. But I believe that there are better ways to channel it. It makes sense to release it in places other than your household (at least sometimes,) where it can hurt your family. I would recommend unloading on a very trusted friend or using a journal.

If you use the journal method, you want to be certain that you aren’t ruminating. And by ruminating I mean that you aren’t using the journal to just churn your anger and keep it going because this doesn’t benefit you. Instead, you want to release it and then ask yourself open ended questions in order to help you to let it go a little bit at a time. I found that for me, the easiest way to do this was to ask myself questions like: “of all of the options available to me, which is more likely to keep my family in tact and to get a good result for everyone?” Or “which option brings the most love into my household?”

It might sound like I am asking you to ignore your problems or to not deal with what your husband has done. I promise you that I am not. But, I also know first hand that you are so much more likely to get real action and true cooperation from your husband when you work together, when he is receptive to you, and when you treat him with respect. If you can make him feel sympathetic to you, then he is much more likely to want to come through for you and to minimize your pain.  And that means that he will want to rise to the occasion and deal with the finances.

But if you are abrasive (which is understandable, but destructive) then it is easier for him to justify his own actions and you don’t want to give him this sort of out. Instead, you want for him to do the right thing because he loves his family and because he sees that they don’t deserve this.

Believe me when I say I understand having justified anger at your spouse.  But, if you value your family and your marriage, it is so much better to try to deal with it with a sense of unity rather than a sense of blame.  In fact, one of the reasons for my separation was that I didn’t learn this until after my separation.  I was able to save my marriage, but not without a lot of time and heartbreak.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you were to ask a separated wife who was living without her husband if she wanted him back even if he didn’t 100% want to be there, many separated wives would say that yes, she would want him back however she could get him. However, if you are a wife who knows that your husband doesn’t want to be with you, but he feels too guilty or obligated to leave, then you might feel differently.

You might hear a wife say: “my husband has all but told me that he is no longer in love with me and that he is no longer invested in our marriage. He doesn’t engage with me in any way. He comes home, eats dinner in the living room, doesn’t say two words to me, and then watches TV until bedtime. I try to talk to him, but he pretty much ignores me. The other day, I told him it was obvious that he had no investment in our marriage anymore. I told him I wanted to know what he was going to do about this. He said that he wasn’t going to do anything about it, although he didn’t deny that he wasn’t invested. I asked him why he was doing nothing and his response to me was: ‘I can’t leave you.’ He says that he would feel too guilty to leave me on my own. He says that he knows that I would struggle. His dad left the family when he was a boy and he knows the pain of living in a house with no main income and no father figure. So he insists that he will not leave. But he also admits that, in a perfect world, he would not stay. Where does this leave me? I mean, I suppose there is some comfort in knowing that he isn’t going to leave immediately. But what sort of victory is it when I know that he would rather be anywhere else? He doesn’t want to be with me. But he has too strong a conscience to leave.”

I understand why this is so upsetting. Whether he leaves or not, it still feels like a rejection when you know that he would want to leave if the situation were different. And regardless of what the future holds, it hurts to know that your spouse isn’t present in your marriage anymore. Plus, who knows if one day he will change his mind and decide that leaving isn’t so impossible after all?

Use The Time That You Have: With all of this said, though, I do want to stress that you have an advantage here that you may not realize. Yes, it stinks to only have him home because of his conscience. But he is home. This gives you something to work with. I can tell you from experience that when your husband isn’t living with you, it’s very tricky to save your marriage. It is a little easier when he is still at home – because at least you have access to him, even if he’s not exactly attentive.

Believe That Things Can Change: The key here is to change the dynamic. Yes, he is not happy right now. And admittedly, he is not invested. But, quite frankly, if you can figure out what has contributed to his drift and to his unhappiness and then you can fix it, you might have a husband who is one day committed and invested again.

I am not going to tell you that this process is easy. But I know that this process is possible. I’ve done it myself. You have to be careful with your pace. Because you don’t want for it to appear that every effort and change you make is only for his benefit and is only temporary. You want everything that you do to appear absolutely real and completely genuine.

But, on the plus side, you have time. He has said that he isn’t leaving any time soon, and this isn’t always the case for everyone. Many wives are working against an almost impossible time frame, which causes them to try desperate things that don’t often work.

Work Through This Methodically: You have the luxury of time. I know that it may not seem like a huge advantage now, but it is. Write down the possible things that have soured your marriage (especially from his perspective) and rank them. Then, ask yourself what you could do to make them better. It may be unrealistic to think that you can completely eradicate them in a short period of time, but even small gestures can make things significantly better.  If you tackle them one by one, eventually, they will all be gone.

And gradual improvement that comes over time is real. It gives your husband something to believe in. Keep at this very methodically with each item on your list. At the very least, the situation should gradually improve. And before you know it, you might find that you have a husband who is staying because he very much wants to, and not because he feels that he has to.

I understand that this process might seem daunting.  But what is really daunting is not having hope that things will change.  Things can change.  It takes work and continuous effort.  But it is worth it.  I know this first hand because I changed my marriage from the ground up during my separation. In short, it was my own determination that saved my marriage.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There are few things quite as upsetting as suspecting that your husband thinks that he is better than you or that he “married down.”  It may not have always been this way.  He may have once treated you with the highest respect.  But somewhere along the way, something changed.  And it hurts and makes you wonder about the future of your marriage.

It could be described this way: “I miss the way that my husband used to look at me.  I have known my husband since we were children.  We used to live in the same neighborhood.  His parents actually helped in my upbringing.  My mother was a single parent and we always struggled.  My husband’s parents helped my mother out all of the time.  Because of my mom’s financial situation, I never went to college.  My husband has advanced degrees.  And he recently got a huge promotion which requires him to entertain people who are important to his career.  When he took this promotion, things changed in my marriage.  When we are with these people or folks from my husband’s work, it is clear that he is uncomfortable every time I speak.  It has gotten to the point where he does not always invite me to come along.  I do not think he’s ashamed of my appearance because people compliment that all of the time.  But I believe that he is ashamed of my lack of education, which I truly can’t help.  I think he’s afraid that I will say something to make him look second best.  Sometimes, he corrects me when I misspeak, as if I am stupid.  It’s clear that recently, he thinks that he is better than I am.  This really hurts me and makes me worry for my marriage.  I have tried to talk to my husband about this, but he changes the subject quickly.  It has gotten to a point where I just assume that I am not invited to important things involving clients.  How can I change this?”

Evaluate: First of all, I think that you want to ask yourself if you are one hundred percent sure that your perception is correct.  Sometimes, when people take on new and challenging job responsibilities, they are worried about their own abilities.  It is possible that your husband is projecting his own worries onto you, since that is probably easier for him to handle than worrying if he himself is up the task.  So his attitude may wrongly be directed toward you when in fact his worries are directed at himself, but he doesn’t want to face up to this just yet.

Project What You Want Others To See: If you are sure that your husband’s projection isn’t the case, then you want to look at how you are projecting yourself.  You want to make sure that your head is held high.  You did nothing wrong. And you have every bit as much to add to any conversation or gathering as anyone else.  Sometimes, our own stance and the way that we carry ourselves shows people how to treat us.  When we stand tall, make eye contact, and love ourselves, people will generally follow suit.

If you find that you are having trouble doing this convincingly, then you want to ask yourself why.  Is there anything that you lack confidence about?  Is it possible that your lack of education bothers you?  I find this nothing to be ashamed of.  We all place our attention on where it was appropriate at the time.  But if it bothers you, then it seems that you’re in a good position to return to school.   This might help you radiate some confidence and show your husband that you more than deserve his respect.

Finally, if this continues to bother you, then you may feel better if you speak up.  You may try something like: “it really hurts me when you exclude me like this.  I may be projecting my own perceptions here, but it almost seems as if you are afraid that I will say something unfortunate around your clients and colleagues.  I have shown that I can more than handle myself.  And I would never exclude you in the way that you are excluding me.  Can you share why you are acting this way?  Is it something that I can fix?  What can we do to improve this because it’s hurting me and I worry that it is going to affect our marriage.”

He may tell you that he’s just on edge because of his new responsibilities or he may surprise you with some specific concerns.  Whatever happens, listen carefully and try to respond accordingly.  Because it’s very important for you to feel respected and valued.  It’s important that you can fall back on your own self esteem.  If you can’t, then now is the time to build yourself up so that you can project the confidence that will command your husband (and every one elses’) respect.  Because you deserve nothing less.

This is something that I am constantly working on.  I think that self confidence is one of the most important aspects of a solid marriage.  Loving myself and knowing that I am valuable very much affects the way my husband approaches and treats me.  I firmly believe this to be true.  It is something that I have to actively work on.  All of the time.  But it is worth it. You can read more about how I transformed my own marriage after a marital separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives assume that, once their husband moves out, they will still be able to spend a good deal of time together. When he pulls back or limits his availability, it can be very disappointing. And the wife may spend a great deal of time (and experience a lot of anxiety) analyzing why he doesn’t want to see or interact with her more than he does.

Many wives will respond to this void by attempting to push their husbands for more time together. Although he may comply at first, this rarely goes well for the long term. The reason for this is that separated husbands often are determined to have some space. So they want to be able to set the pace and the tone without being pressured.

This is why many wives will experience “push back” when they try to get their separated husband to call more or to spend more time with them. After a while, these wives (and I was one of them) begin to realize that they have to tread very lightly when it comes to the quantity of their interactions. Many realize that they have to focus on quality rather than quantity. And over time, they can become afraid to get their hopes up or to ask for any more.

That’s why they can be surprised and unsure of how to process it when their husband FINALLY starts asking to spend more time with them. They can start to second guess this, analyze it, and overthink it.

A wife might ask: “when we first separated, we saw each other on Friday nights for two weeks. I had hoped that this would continue on during what I hoped would be a short separation. But my husband abruptly put a stop to these meetings, saying that he needed more space. I didn’t willingly accept this at first. It really hurt my feelings. So I only increased my attempts to communicate and then things got heated because my husband felt that I wasn’t listening to him. Then he didn’t call for a long time. I was scared to call him for a while, but at some point I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I finally got him, he was terse and cold. I finally got the hint that I should stop pushing, but it hurt. And I was sure that he was trying to train me to not have any expectations from him. I was sure that he was going to start moving further and further away from me. In fact, the only time we really saw one another was during interactions related to our families. I tried to make the most of these family gatherings and things always were pleasant during those times, but then I wouldn’t really hear much afterward. But last week my husband called and he’s been calling every day or so. We’ve actually gone to lunch twice this week. I want to feel encouraged. I really do. But I guess I’m so scarred from those early days when he pulled away from me that I always hesitate to get my hopes up in any way. My neighbor says that it is safe to feel encouraged by this. Is she right? Could it possibly mean that we are getting back together?”

I totally know how you feel. I got such sparse and tense interactions from my husband for so long that when I finally got some positive interactions (that he shockingly initiated) I didn’t think that I could trust this. I kept looking for the “catch.” I kept waiting for the shoe to fall. My inclination was to move slowly at first. But that feeling quickly left me because I got so excited. I was so starved for affection from my husband that I got ahead of myself. I knew that it was a mistake, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Of course, my husband felt pressured and backed away.  And having to undo that mistake took unnecessary time and turmoil. However, we did reconcile. So yes, I think that in many cases, starting to see more of one another is a good sign.

Acknowledge How Far You’ve Come, But Appreciate That There Is Still More Work To Do: If you look at how far you’ve come, it’s very hard to deny that you are making progress. And there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. I understand the need to temper your enthusiasm. And it’s not a bad idea to not get overly excited.

In my experience, there are many hurdles to cross and steps to take before you successfully reconcile. But this can be the first step. I learned that it is best to be receptive, enthusiastic, and upbeat, while not just assuming that everything is all shored up. Yes, you’ve likely taken the first few steps toward a reconciliation, but it is only the first few steps. (Still, every journey begins with a single step.)

You don’t have to deny your relief and happiness.  And it sounds as if you’ve done a great job of making the most of the time that you have with your husband.  This has likely caused him to want to see more of you. So there is no reason not to continue on in the same way. Just don’t get ahead of yourself and take things as they come. But the short answer to the question is yes, in my opinion and experience, this is a reason to be hopeful. But there is still a ways to go.

I don’t mean to be a naysayer.   I do think that there are concrete reasons to feel encouraged.  But I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you the whole of my experience.  Yes, his showing interest was a great thing in terms of our separation.  But I managed to mess it up anyway.  So avoid my mistakes and keep building on your progress. There’s more at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  As a wife who has been very reluctantly separated, I would argue that there is a natural and undeniable inclination to cling tightly to what you are afraid of losing. And when you are a wife who does not want to lose your marriage or your husband, then it’s very natural to cling a little more tightly.  In some instances and with some husbands, this doesn’t matter.  Some husbands do not mind the clinging.

But when you are dealing with a husband who was demanding space and who seems to be distancing himself from his wife, it can matter – quite a bit, in fact.  Many husbands push back against this type of clinging and distance themselves even more.  They may use phrases like: “smothering,” “holding on too tight,” or “coming on too strong.”

The wives hear what the husband is saying, but they also point out that their husband is expecting something that just isn’t natural.  She might say: “last night, my husband told me something that I never ever expected him to say.  He told me that I was smothering him.  We have been separated for about three weeks – at his insistence.  If I had my way, he would still be living at home.  But as it is, he is staying with a male friend.  He has been restless and unhappy for months.  He finally told me that he needed some time away from our marriage.  I immediately panicked and assumed that he wanted a divorce.  He swore that he didn’t.   But I am still not sure that I believe him.  I just don’t understand why a middle aged man should need space from his marriage unless he is planning to end the marriage or break his vows.  And that is why I feel that I need to be in touch with him every day and know what he is doing.  But when I try to do this, he tells me that I am “smothering” him.  I believe his exact words were something like: ‘I felt like I was being smothered at home and now I feel like I can’t escape even now that I am here.  You have got to stop smothering me.  I have got to be my own person.’  It’s almost like he is accusing me of acting like his parent – and I absolutely am not.  I just care about him and I think that I have the right to know what is going on with him and with my marriage.  I don’t think that our talking a couple of times per day is too much to ask.  I don’t call that ‘smothering.’  Do you?”

I am going to be honest because I honestly want to help you.  And I want to help you because I have been in your shoes and, because I made so many similar mistakes that almost costs me my marriage, I learned a hard truth.  And it is this:  It really doesn’t matter if you or I wouldn’t call checking in “smothering.” Because if he perceives it as such, then he is going to react to that perception.  And his reaction may be detrimental to what you really want.  And isn’t that all that matters?

Understand That Ideal End Game: I suspect that you what you really want is both for him to come back AND for him to come back willingly – and not with his tail between his legs because you have worn him down.  Believe me, I understand the strategy.  I never consciously thought about it.  But looking back now, I think I figured that if I could bug my husband enough or remind him of our marriage enough, he’d eventually get sick of the back and forth and come back home.

Instead, he distanced himself from me even more.  We’ve reconciled now.  But he’s confided in me that there were times when he considered divorce because he felt that might be necessary to “escape” my constant contact.

I’m not here to debate whether or not my husband legitimately needed space from me.  He and I will probably never agree on that.  But what DOES matter is that he thought that he did.  And frankly, that is all that matters.  Because these thoughts formed his actions.  Whether his thinking was faulty or not, he was going to act on it.  And this thought process made a huge difference in what happened in our marriage.

I know that we wives like to think that if we just do or say the right thing, he will change his mind and not want space from us anymore. But frankly, this isn’t as likely as him just getting frustrated that you are not listening.

If What You’ve Done Isn’t Working, Consider Trying Something New: For me, the better call was backing away.  I tried initially just telling my husband that I was going to let him call me next time.  This did work – some, at least.  But there were times when he would not call and I would panic and then come on too strong.  So I took some time off by putting literal miles between us by returning to my hometown for a while.  This forced me to back away – because I didn’t have much of a choice.

This didn’t feel ideal at the time.  Honestly, it felt like giving up at that particular moment in time. But it did eventually make a positive difference.  Eventually, my husband started reaching out to me.  And as this started to work, I didn’t have to force myself quite as much anymore.  I literally saw that it was working, so the struggle became much less because finally I was starting to see the tide turn.  For this reason, I was more than willing to go along because I knew it was the better alternative.

I am not suggesting that you need to do the same thing.  That may not work for you.  But I am suggesting that you ask yourself if backing away – even for just a little while – might be worth a try.  You can always reverse course if it doesn’t work for you.  But once you know for sure that what you’re doing isn’t working – and once your husband has literally told you in harsh words that he’s getting frustrated – then these are both good indications that you may want to change course, even if only for a little while.  At the very least, maybe try a form of communication that he doesn’t find “smothering.”  You may not technically be smothering, but if he thinks you are, then that is what matters.

I know that it seems unfair.  But you have to keep your eye on the prize.  You have to know that winning the battle may not mean winning the war.  You truly do have to think about the long term rather than the short term.  And you have to think about how good it might feel when the tide begins to turn.   You can read more about that turnaround for me on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I think that most separated couples fantasize about a honeymoon period when they finally reconcile.  The hope is that everything is going to be more than fine.  There’s a fantasy that both people will be enthusiastic, willing, and open to just moving on. Ideally, both would be confident that the worst was behind them and that they could move forward with anticipation and excitement.

This isn’t always reality, though.  A good deal of the time, there is trepidation, awkwardness, and doubt. No one wants to be hurt again.  No one wants to be rejected.  No one wants to be overly enthusiastic when their spouse just isn’t into it.  So, people can hold back.  Fear can make you walk on eggshells.  Misunderstandings can cause arguments.  And once that vicious cycle starts, there can be a real concern that he is going to leave again or that the separation could resume.

Here’s what I mean.  You could hear: “my husband has only been home for nine days.  When we were separated, I used to tell myself that if I could just get him home, then we could withstand anything.  I thought that no matter what came up, we could work it out. I thought that if we could make enough progress to end the separation, then nothing could stop us.  Well, now I am starting to doubt all of this.  Since my husband has been home, things have been very awkward.  I feel as though I’m walking on eggshells and I feel as if he’s very unhappy.  I worry that he will eventually leave again.  We’re not communicating very well so I am not sure how we will be able to work past this.  I feel like he’s going to have a low tolerance for any stress in our marriage. When does it start to feel normal again after he returns home from a separation?”

It truly does depend on the couple and why the husband left in the first place.  Also, a great deal of success depends upon how well you worked through and addressed the issues that caused the disconnect.  I know that it’s tempting to take him back any way that you can get him.  But if you do this without working through any of the issues, then it’s a fair bet that the issues are going to crop up and rear their ugly heads.  And if you don’t have an answer to these reoccurring issues, that’s where the doubt and worry comes in.

To counter this, we will often tell ourselves that we will be on our best behavior (or as you said “walk on eggshells,”) but this just isn’t sustainable for the long term.  No one can be on their best behavior every day of their life.  No one can tip toe through their marriage indefinitely. Married couples have to eventually contend with real life.  And if the core strength and bond of your marriage has never recovered, then real life may be difficult to navigate.

However, working through your issues when your marriage / reconciliation is already fragile and strained can be tricky.  Pressure and anxiety can be too much for a marriage that is already struggling.  So it’s important to not ignore the problem, but also to not dwell so much on it that you forget the positive things that have happened.

Yes, things are not quite going as you had hoped.  But he is home.  That makes life easier.  Don’t expect to have the perfect marriage overnight. Don’t assume that a few struggles are going to mean divorce. You don’t want your anxiety to cause a self-fulfilling prophecy. But do not hesitate to really see the core issues and then address and fix what is keeping you from having the marriage that you deserve.

It’s very normal to want to zip it up when things feel as if they are falling apart, but all that does is magnify the problem.  What you are dealing with is common, so there is no need to panic.  The transition between separation and reconciliation isn’t always smooth.  But it can be worse if you allow the misconceptions to multiply.  Speak up.  Keep the lines of communication open.  Let your spouse know that you’re flexible and trying.

Try a conversation like: “I know we’re having a few bumps along the way during this reconciliation, but I think that’s to be expected.  And I think that we need to talk about things as they come up so that we give ourselves the best chance to succeed. I know that I need to relax more, but I just want this to work so badly.  I love you and I want for us to not only limp along, but to be happy and to have the marriage that we want and deserve.  Can we talk about what we both need to do to make that happen?”

Then, listen to his response.  He may admit that he has had the same worries and he may be very relieved to get this on the table.  Some couples need help navigating this.  Don’t hesitate to get counseling if you need it.  Your reconciliation is too important not to do everything that you can to succeed.  Just treading lighting and being too scared to discuss the issues is probably the worst thing that you can do, although I know that this route can feel “safer” at the time.

That said, the safe route can be regrettable in the end.  I know this first hand.  I put my head in the sand for fear of speaking up and I almost ended up divorced because of it.  I had to take a hard look at myself, at our problems, and at what I was REALLY doing to fix it in order to save my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who could tolerate or even embrace a certain behavior early in their marriages, but who are now struggling with the same behavior once they have had children or have been married for a while.

One such is example is moving for job opportunities or advancement. This can make sense early in your marriage. After all, financial stability can make things much easier. But once you have children or really want to slow and settle down, this can cause major conflict among spouses.

A wife might say: “my husband has been with the same company for over twenty years. It was clear to us from the beginning that his company expected him to move every couple of years and we were willing to do this because it was a great opportunity at that time. I don’t regret those early years because we would not be where we are financially if we had not embraced that lifestyle. Plus, I got to meet some great people and experience new cultures. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. But now we have children. And moving every couple of years has grown tiresome to them. In our current home, they have now made some wonderful friends and they love their schools. Likewise, I am very involved with some organizations and activities that I love. Just as my family has gotten to the point where we can look around and say that our lives are just about perfect, my husband has announced that he really wants to take a job half way around the country. I am really upset about this and if I am telling the truth, I am very angry with my husband. He is now at a point in his career that he no longer has to travel. I’m sure that his company wouldn’t be thrilled if he refused, but he has become so valuable to the company that it is not like they would fire him. I’d be willing to accept less money at this point. Because we were so accommodating before, we have a lot of savings and are in good shape. At this point in our lives, stability is more important to the majority of my family than money. It is only my husband who disagrees. I am honestly considering divorcing him if he pursues this. I simply do not want to move again. And if I have to let him go to stay put, then so be it.”

I can understand why the wife felt the way that she did. After all, she likely felt that she had spent the last several years making the compromises with the idea that one day she would no longer have to and now she feels as if her husband has been misrepresenting the situation somewhat.

But although I feel that the wife was justified in her thinking, I question whether it is a sound decision to divorce her husband before trying to work this out. After all, a divorce was going to affect her live as much (if not more) than any move and it was most certainly going to affect the lives of her children.

To me, it makes sense to try to work this out in a way other than taking it to this extreme. I’ve never been through a divorce. But I have been through a separation that almost turned into a divorce and I can tell you that it is extremely painful and I would recommend avoiding it if you can.

I know that this is a tough issue, but I would have to think that you could find some compromise. Perhaps your husband could add some travel to his job so he could still advance, at least some. Perhaps he could return to a more mobile lifestyle once the kids are grown. It could be that your husband perceives that he must move because of the economy. He may fear that he doesn’t have the job security that you assume. Perhaps he could talk with his boss and just be honest. Of course, if he is given a choice between moving and losing his job, then we’re talking about a whole other scenario. But he is not going to know what he is facing until he talks frankly with his boss.

I agree with you that the most important thing right now is the well being of your children and their family life. I also agree that moving isn’t always conducive to that when it can be avoided. Obviously, I can’t know all of the details here. But I hate to see discussions of breaking up a family and a marriage until every compromise and negotiation has been tried. I will admit that I am biased, but in my opinion, there are very few decent reasons to divorce an otherwise perfectly good spouse with whom you share a family. Of course, abuse is always one legitimate reason.  You never want to be in a situation where you are being hurt. But not being able to agree on where to live is a very different category.

Of course, I can not and would never make decisions about any one else’s marriage. Only the spouses can do that. But divorce is a serious decision. I would hope that the parties would exhaust all other options before going that route.

I do sympathize with this situation, but divorce is no picnic either.  I don’t take marital problems lightly because my own took a serious toll on me, at least at the time.  My separation was incredibly stressful and I would not wish that on anyone. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  More and more often, I hear from people who cite social media as a reason for their separation, impending divorce, or general troubles in their marriage.  Ten years ago, this was pretty much unheard of.  But today, it’s very common. Frankly, I think that many people are somewhat addicted to social media.  So when their family or spouse asks them to stop or to at least slow down, they can wonder if this is a reasonable request.

Someone might ask: “my husband has asked me to limit my Facebook usage.  I resent this because he is acting like my parent and that is just not very attractive. But there’s no question that his anger about it is hurting our marriage.  My husband saw a Facebook notification on my phone.  My ex is one of my Facebook friends and we interact regularly. Frankly, there is nothing to this.  We’re just friends.  I get a little lift out of interacting with him and I would never leave my husband for him.  I have told my husband all of this.  My husband’s response is that the ex is not the only problem.  He says that he notices that when I spend a lot of time on Facebook, I am less satisfied with my own life.  He says that I compare myself to my friend’s lives and then complain that we never do anything exciting.  He says that this is ridiculous because most people lie on social media anyway.  I do resent his request because I feel like he’s trying to limit me in some way or tell me what to do.  But I don’t want this to damage my marriage.  Does he have a valid point?”  Yes, sort of.  And I will tell you why.

How Social Media Damages What Is Most Important: This may not be what you want to hear.  And it’s only my opinion, but I think that your husband’s points are very valid. Recent statistics show that as many of one third of divorce filings today mention the word “Facebook” in the divorce paper work.  That is a very high number.

And yes, there are statistics that suggest that the more plugged into social media that you are, the less connected you are in your real life.  The more hours you spend on social media, the less genuinely happy you are.

I think that one very negative thing about social media is that it robs us of living in the moment.  We can’t relax when notifications are constantly popping up.  We’re not enjoying the wonderful things that are right in front of us, because we’re already thinking about how we’re going to record it and then broadcast it on social media for all to see.

A Decent Compromise: My husband would not need to make a hard sell  in order for me to limit my social media.  I just naturally do not enjoy it.  I call Facebook “fakebook” because I honestly think that this is what it amounts to.  I’m not saying that people intentionally try to be fake. I just think that the way that it is set up encourages us to slant everything to be less than honest.  And when you bring your spouse into this mix, this builds a wall between you.

I know that you feel defensive.  But think about it this way.  Would you want your husband’s ex interacting with him on Facebook, even if, (like your relationship with your ex,) there was nothing going on?  I certainly wouldn’t.  Why let someone else get between you, even if it’s only online?

I know that it’s not feasible to get off of Facebook completely.  But limit it.  Allow your husband open access to your account and then monitor yourself so that he doesn’t NEED to monitor you.  A good rule of thumb is to never post anything that you would not post with your husband reading it in real time.

I have known too many couples who have had their relationships ruined by their online activities.  Your marriage is too precious to risk it on something that isn’t even real.  I know that social media is a bit addictive, but it’s so damaging.  I also know that it’s a hard habit to break, but I think that breaking it is necessary.

I’d suggest starting by changing your notifications.  Stop the emails every time someone posts something.  Without this, you’re not as tempted to log on as much.  Next, tell yourself you’ll only go on once per day. After a few days of this, make it once a week, perhaps.  If this is still harmful to your marriage, cut it down every more.  And ask yourself every time you post if your words are damaging.

Perspective: I know that the above might sound extreme, but I think that it’s all necessary because statistics do not lie. Part of having a good marriage is being very mindful of what external factors affect your marriage.  After that, you have to do less of the things that hurt your marriage and more of those things that help it.

Your husband is being very honest about the fact that social media is hurting your marriage. So I am not sure that you need any more motivation than that to stop.  I have a very good friend who reconnected with a high school boyfriend on Facebook and is now divorced because of it.  I am very close with her children and I can not tell you how negatively it has affected all of them.  Watching that family be torn apart over something that was so preventable has been heartbreaking.

What’s worse, now that some time has passed, my friend can see the situation more clearly and she can see her mistake.  But she fully admits that at the time, she was truly addicted and could not stop herself.

Before you get to that point, stop.  If your Facebook friends are good friends, you can keep in contact some other way.  Or you can limit yourself and make Facebook a way to connect in a very innocent, appropriate, and non-addictive way. This is a life choice and it can be hard to make this type of choice in our social media-driven society.  But we have to guard the things that are most important to us.

Ever since my own separation, I am very strict on what I allow into my life and into my marriage.  I no longer participate in negative things that can damage my marriage.  This means very little social media for me.  I choose my friends wisely. And I’m very conscious of how I spend my time and how I form my thoughts.  This may seem drastic, but it works for me.  And it has greatly improved my marriage.  My husband and I are very careful in this regard and it makes us feel more like a team rather than two opposing individuals.  This is very important.  I am not sure that we could have saved our marriage without this mind set.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can get very frustrating when you’ve become dissatisfied with your marriage, but are also very unhappy with your spouse’s attempt to resolve it. His complacency can make you feel as if he is taking you (and the marriage) for granted.  You may get up your courage to tell him that this just isn’t cutting it for you. This may fall on deaf ears, so many wives will try to just live with their marriage or change their own attitude.

When that doesn’t work, they will once again urge their spouse to actually do something about the marriage. And they may be relieved once their spouse agrees to try to make some changes and improvements. But then nothing happens and the wives worry about being impatient. But they wait. And yet the changes still don’t occur.

Someone might say: “I don’t want to be unfair to my husband or to insinuate that he’s a bad guy. He isn’t. He’s a decent person. He is just a bad husband. He takes me for granted. I do nice things for him, but he does not do nice things for me. He forgets things that are important to me. He would rather be with his loser friends than spend time with the family. He is irresponsible with money. At times, he lets down our children. When I bring these things up to him, he gets angry and says that I am nagging. He says that I make him feel as if I can’t do anything right. But then, eventually he will get tired of fighting, admit that he doesn’t want to lose me, and then he’ll promise to ‘do better.’ I can count on one hand the times I have noticed him make any attempt. It makes me very angry. And it makes me feel that he doesn’t love me enough to make the effort. I’m starting to think that he doesn’t care about this marriage. And that makes me wonder if I should care. I love him. I wish that he loved me like I love him. Then we wouldn’t have these problems. I don’t want to give up my marriage. But I don’t know what else to do.”

Understand That Husbands Do Not Show Appreciation In The Same Ways As Wives. Men Do Not Understand Emotional Needs: I can sympathize with you. But in the whole conversation above, I think that there is one sentence that is vital that you understand. You said: “I wish he loved me like I love him.” Many wives have the very same wish. And yet, most of us who have that wish are going to be disappointed. Why? Because we are women. And so the only way that we are going to have someone who loves us in the way that we love them is to have a relationship with a woman – typically friends and family members who are women. It’s no wonder that our best friends are so close to us. They relate to us in the way that we relate to ourselves. Women understand emotional needs. Women are demonstrative and comfortable with showing their feelings. Men often are not. They don’t show affection and caring in the same way. Asking them to do so is like asking a dog to meow.

I am not saying that you are working with a lost cause. You aren’t. You can work with this. But I am trying to show you that if you are expecting your husband to love like you (a woman,) then you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. When a woman wants to show love, she will write cards and letters. She will buy gifts. She will do thoughtful things. She will give warm hugs. Men are different. They will get your oil changed. They will charge your phone. They might place their hand on your back in a protective way. This is how they show love. Is this necessarily fair? Not really. But it is just the way that it is. And it means that you may have to look a little more closely for their demonstrations of love.

Using The Approach That Will Get You (And Your Marriage) The Appreciation And Recognition That You Deserve: None of this means that you need to accept bad treatment or neglect of the kids. Some expectations are more than reasonable. However, in order to get some cooperation, you will sometimes have to be careful in how you approach it. Much of the time, a husband will take any constructive criticism as complaining or as nagging.

So you have to be a little crafty in how you approach this. Instead of focusing on what he’s doing wrong, focus on what he is doing right. If he changes your oil, make a huge deal of it. Tell him how this makes you feel loved and pour on the affection. Yep, it may feel as if you are doing all of the accommodating, but watch when he can’t do something else fast enough. Is this manipulation? Yes, I suppose. But in this way, everyone wins. You get what you want and he feels appreciated instead of criticized. You have to praise him until the new behaviors become a habit.

You’ve admitted that you love him and don’t want to lose your marriage. So it makes sense to try different methods of positive reinforcement until you find his currency. Once that happens, the rest becomes much easier.

I know that you may be feeling as if you are the one doing all of the changing and the giving, but I learned the hard way, that sometimes, you have to find a “workaround” in order to get what you want.  This isn’t always fair, but it gets you what you need.  And often, it’s better to be happy than to be right.  Clinging to being right caused my husband and me to separate.  Choosing to be happy got us back together.  You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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