Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Most of the wives who write to or reach out to me are trying very hard to get their separated husband to come home. Many fantasize about this for some time.  So when it finally happens and their husband indicates that he would be open to a reconciliation, you would think that they would be planning a celebration and reveling in their victory.

However, sometimes, we can just not bring ourselves to do this. Our doubts plague us.  We worry that something is going to go wrong.  We worry that our husband isn’t telling us the whole story.  We wonder if perhaps he has another motivation – like financial or time concerns.

Someone might say: “I truly want to believe that my husband wholeheartedly wants to reconcile.  I wish that I knew for certain that he loved me, that he missed me, and that he would do everything in his power to save our marriage.  I would love to believe these things.  But I just can’t.  All along, my husband has been freaking out about what a divorce would cost him.  And I know from his brother that he recently had an attorney break it down for him.  My husband was shocked at how much he stood to lose from this.  His brother said that the finances really upset him.  Well, a mere few weeks after his meeting with the attorney, my husband has been asking to spend more time with me.  And now that things have been going somewhat well between us, he is telling me that he would be ‘totally open’ to a reconciliation.  This is what I have been wanting to hear for months.  I would have been so happy to hear these words last month.  But now, I can’t get out of my head that this whole thing might be just financially motivated.  The paranoid person in me is afraid that my husband is merely trying to buy time so that he can move some finances around during our farce ‘reconciliation,’ and then later, once that’s done, he will once again want a divorce.  Some of my friends say that I should not think this way.  They tell me that I have to give this reconciliation my best try and that I need to stop being such a pessimist.  I’d like to.  If only I could believe that he truly wants a reconciliation. How could I tell?”

I know where you are coming from. I had the same worries during my own separation. I believe that most wives have these types of thoughts, even when they want a reconciliation more than anything.  I don’t know your husband, but I can certainly tell you some signs that men will commonly give off when they are serious about reconciling.   By no means is this an exhaustive list.  But it’s a good place to start.

He’s Sincere In What He Does And Says. He’s Attentive And Genuine:  This is going to sound very simplistic.  But generally speaking, most of the time, if you know someone pretty well, you can tell if they are genuinely interested in what you have to say.  They lean forward when they are talking to you.  They meet, and hold, your gaze.  Their eyes light up as you are talking.

Likewise, when a sincere husband tells you that he is going to do something – especially as it relates to you and your marriage, he does it.  He is not constantly full of excuses or delays.  He is motivated because he is sincerely invested in the possibility of your future.

He Makes Plans For, And Puts An Effort Into, Your Future:  I completely realize that there is never a guarantee when you are trying to reconcile.  No one knows what tomorrow is going to bring.  You may try to reconcile and ultimately have some hiccups along the way.  It’s normal to worry and to have doubts.  However, if you truly want reconciliation to happen, then you will generally make some plans and make some investments.  These investments might be of time, of money, or of your emotional currency.  You should be able to see these types of investments – even if there is some hesitancy also.

Deciding To Take Him At His Word And To Not Let Your Doubts Paralyze You:  There’s no denying that there is sometimes a financial incentive to reconcile and to stay married.  It is just naive to pretend that there is not.  I don’t think that it’s evil to admit that this is a consideration.  It’s just practical to think of ALL factors that go into your marriage.  And, like it or not, money is one of those factors.  So yes, he may have realized that financially, it makes sense to stick around.  But honestly, if he didn’t TRULY want to give it a try and if being married to you and reconciling made his stomach turn, do you really think he would do it for the money?  Most of us are not going to do things that we REALLY do not want to do merely for money.  My point is, the idea of reconciling is probably at least somewhat appealing to him – or he would not be doing it.

I would suggest that regardless of the factors that are going into his decision-making process, it makes sense to focus on what is truly important.  Finally, after waiting for so long, and after so much heartache, you have a chance to reconcile with your husband.  This is truly what is important.  And if you work very hard and you make your marriage strong and vibrant again, will it really matter what got him there?

I knew that my husband had additional motivations and doubts in the early stages of our reconciliation.  But I was willing to take what I could get.  As we made our marriage stronger, I no longer cared what brought us to the table.  I only cared that we were at the table.  I am still happily married today because of this.   You can read more of that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, you are fully aware that it is going to take a whole lot of work to save your marriage and you take responsibility for that.  You are prepared for that.  And you fully intend to follow through with any promises that you have made to your spouse.

Perhaps you have gotten to a point where you can objectively see your part in any issues and are fully prepared to take action in order to fix the same.  Maybe you are stepping up to spearhead a serious effort to make things right again. You may even feel some sense of accomplishment for trying to move forward – until your husband informs you that your efforts have just not been enough.  You may ask for more time or promise that you will do better.  But this might not seem to matter to him.

A separated wife might recount this unfortunate scenario:  “If you were to place the blame for my marital separation, I have no problem saying that I would get most of the blame.  I was pretty immature when we got married.  I never cheated on my husband, but I did not take my vows as seriously as I should have.  I was not the kind of wife that my husband deserves.  Frankly, he has never been anything but supportive and sweet to me, while I cared more about my social life and having a good time to return the favor.  The only thing that I can say in my defense is that I was so young.  My husband told me that he was unhappy with our lifestyle and that he did not want to live like we were still in college.  I told him that I would change and he agreed to give our marriage another chance.  I honestly did think that I was making an honest attempt to make things better.  I used to go out almost every night and now I limit that to mostly the weekends.  However, my husband says that this is not enough.  He says that even if I am present at home more, I am not emotionally present and I am not invested in the way that he is.  He says that he wants to see me caring about our future instead of just living for today like I am still 18. I see what he is saying and I have told him that I can change even more.  He says it is too late and that by the time real change happens for me, he will no longer care because he will have moved on.  This panics me.  How can I get him to wait for me to change?”

Be Clear On What Your Husband Really Wants From You: I know that this is tricky and that it’s likely tempting to try to beg, manipulate, pull strings, or plead. However, let’s try to think about this rationally – just for a second.  What does your husband really want from you?  What has he told you or outlined for you in this regard? He’s told you that he wants to see someone who is mature enough to think about the long term.  He wants to see the actions of a mature adult rather than a young adult. He wants to see you follow through on what you have promised.

In my opinion, the best way to accomplish this is to act in a very calm and deliberate manner.  Whereas you might have pleaded and tried to get him to listen to YOU, instead show him that you are listening to HIM.  Give him a very thoughtful and mature response.  Here’s a suggestion.  Try something like: “I hope that your moving on doesn’t turn out to be the case.  But I can’t control your actions.  I can only control my actions.  I’m very sorry that it took this kind of heartache for me to see reality and to understand how I need to mature and grow up some.  But I do understand and accept that now.  I hope that you will be around to witness and benefit from my growth, but again, I can not control that.  I can only tell you that no matter what happens, I’m going to move forward and focus on my own maturity and integrity.  My future has become very important to me. I sincerely hope that it includes you and our marriage.  That is what I want more than anything and I’m willing to work tirelessly to make that happen.  But either way, I am very serious about a different, and new, path.”

Make Sure That He Sees You Living Your Words: After this conversation, live your words.  Despite your husband’s intention, a divorce does not go through immediately.  Hopefully, he will not move out or pursue a separation, but even if he does, you still have the opportunity to live your words.  And there’s a pretty good chance that this change is going to get back to him.  Frankly, it is more effective for him to see this on his own rather than your just putting on a show for his benefit.

So tell him the absolute truth about your intentions and then follow through.  He may say that it is too late, but hopefully, your actions will be so sincere and so transformative that he pays attention and eventually gives you that second chance.  But be mindful that you do not waste it and that you do not make him regret it.  Make sure that this is absolutely genuine.  And then continue to follow through.

I had to show my husband real change and convince him that the change was genuine and that it would last.  I didn’t always do things in the right way and this cost me time and heartache, so I’m hoping to keep someone else from making the same mistakes.  I did get him back, but it was quite difficult at times.  You can read more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, we think that our marriage is humming along just fine when we get a wake up call that makes us realize that we really have not been paying attention. It never ceases to amaze me that it’s very common to hyper-fixate on things that don’t really matter – (like pop culture and television shows) – but to let our attention slide when it comes to the most important thing of all, which is our marriage and our family.

Unfortunately, most of us have done this at some point in our lives (myself included.) And I don’t believe that it means that we don’t love our spouse. Quite the contrary, it often means that things are going so well that we take our eyes off the ball because we think that we can afford to. We start to believe that our marriage just works and so we turn our attention to other things.

Many marriages withstand this for a while. The problem happens when this lack of attention becomes a lack of appreciation, a taking for granted, that becomes a sort of habit. Many spouses will not even notice this at first. Or when they do, they will tolerate it – at least for a little while. But no one wants to feel unappreciated forever. And eventually, this can start to seriously damage your marriage. If your spouse truly feels unappreciated and unvalidated, they sometimes seek this validation somewhere else. Sometimes, this leads to infidelity. And other times, your spouse will begin to get their emotional needs met outside of your marriage. Both of these things can cause serious damage.

Here’s an example scenario. A wife might say: “I am so upset that I only saw what was happening in my marriage when it was potentially too late to do anything about it. I can truly say that my husband is wonderful. He is so supportive. For the last two years, he has been paying all of the household bills while I have been going to school. I have told him that I appreciate this. But that was mostly when I first started school. I admit that I have been coasting for the past year or so. And I have to say that as I have made friends at school, I’ve been spending less time at home. Last week, my husband had a medical procedure done. It was only an outpatient procedure, but it meant that he was in bed for a couple of days and that he could not do much for himself. The morning after the procedure, I asked if I could get him anything before I went to school. He was angry that I was going to school and felt that I should take a couple of days off to care for him. He said that if the roles were reversed, he would do that for me. Deep in my heart, I know that he is right.  He would take care of me without hesitation.  My husband made the comment that ‘it must be nice to have someone who takes care of you and pays all your bills while you don’t have to ever return the favor. I ask so little from you. All I want is for you to care about me every once in a little while, but you can’t do this because your focus is always about yourself. Is it wrong for me to want just a little appreciation? Because I never get it from you. And I’m sick of it.’ I know that my husband is right. He is telling the truth. But I am not sure how to appreciate him more. And if I try to show him now, he will know it’s only because he’s mad at me. I worry that my inability to be appreciative is going to destroy my marriage eventually.”

Awareness Is The First Step: I don’t mean to alarm you, but you are right to worry. Spouses who don’t feel appreciated or validated will seek the same somewhere else. The good news is that you are aware of this and you want to change. Many people just continue to approach their marriage in the same non-appreciative way until their spouse leaves. This doesn’t have to be the case with you because you are aware of the problem and you want to fix it.

I think that the first step toward fixing it is to be hyper-aware. And you have to train yourself to do this. I think that the easiest way to go about it is to take a few seconds each day to either make a literal or a mental list describing the nice things your husband has done or the ways that he enhances your life. You might make note of “a husband who supports me in every way.” Or “someone with whom I can share everything.” Whatever you appreciate, note it. Because you can’t act on it until you note it.

Know What Your Husband Really Wants And Then Act: The next step is to act. You want for your husband to know that you appreciate him. And you want to be genuine about it. He has already told you that he doesn’t expect much. He just wants for you to acknowledge his efforts and he wants to feel cared for every once in a while. I think we can both agree that this isn’t too much to ask. It’s not as if he’s being needy and expects you to go overboard. He just wants to feel acknowledged and validated.

There are many ways to do this. The first is to acknowledge him the instant he does something nice. If he makes you coffee, give him a hug and tell him thank you. The next step is to acknowledge those ongoing things. Leave him a note telling him how much you are fully aware of how supportive he is and how much you appreciate it. Give him plenty of heartfelt and genuine physical affection. And go out of your way to return the favor.

Figure out his currency and deliver. What I mean by this is that everyone doesn’t need or require the same payoff. You know your husband better than anyone and you would be the person most knowledgable about what is going to make him feel loved. Whatever that is, make the effort. He’s held up his end of the bargain and now you have the opportunity to hold up yours.

Honestly, I firmly believe that taking my husband for granted and not appreciating him enough was one of the things that lead to our separation.  I just assumed that he knew how much I loved and appreciated him.  Apparently, he did not.  And this lead to a very dark period in our marriage that almost lead to divorce.  A lot of that story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Any complaint that causes your husband to disconnect from your marriage, to distance himself from you, or to consider a separation hurts. There is no scenario where this isn’t painful.  But I suspect that it can FEEL a little more painful when the reason for his distance seems personal.

What I mean by that is that sometimes, a man will be unhappy because of reasons that have to do with him.  He may be having a midlife crisis.  He may believe that marriage doesn’t suit his ideology.  He may be having a personal day of reckoning.  I am not saying that these scenarios are not horribly painful.  They are.  But at least the wife has no reason to blame herself.

And then there are scenarios where things DO feel personal.  These are the instances where your husband is blaming the issues in the marriage on the wife.  It could be something that she has done or something about her, about her actions, or about her personality that is the supposed problem.

Here’s an example.  A husband might tell his wife that being with her is “exhausting.”  She might explain: “for the past three months or so, I have been noticing my husband acting distant and weird.  I confronted him about it right away, but he denied that there was a problem.  Then we were at a family gathering this weekend and it was held outside in 90-degree heat.  Like everyone else, I said it was hot and wanted to leave after dinner because I felt sick. My husband got angry at me and said he was tired of dealing with my ‘high maintenance personality.’  As we were leaving, he said that being married to me is ‘exhausting’ and that he may want a separation because he can not stand living his life this way anymore.  He says that nothing makes me happy and that I can’t just sit back and roll with the punches of life like a normal person.  He says that I am spoiled.  He says that he feels like he always has to pick up the slack.  I admit that I am not as thick-skinned as some when it comes to sitting in the heat all day, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.  And he knew that when he married me.  I told him that I could try to change and he said that people like me never change and that we are just not compatible.  He says that I make him ‘feel tired’ and he doesn’t want to feel that way anymore.  Where does that leave me? I don’t want to lose my husband.  This really hurts my feelings and feels like a personal attack. But I could forgive it and move on if he would give me the chance.  The problem is that he does not seem at all receptive to me right now.”

I understand why you are hurt.  These types of issues can feel, and sound, like a criticism. When someone tells you that you are ‘exhausting,’ that phrase makes it seem as if they no longer want to do the work to keep up with you.  Of course, it hurts.

Understand The Context In Which The Comments Were Made: I think that your husband’s ‘fatigue’ might be due to the fact that the maintenance issue may have bothered him for a while, but he sat silent and said nothing – even when you asked him what was bothering him.  So things built up until they exploded. His silence is not your fault.   And things may have been easier now if he had addressed the problem much earlier – before he became so angry that he lashed out at you.

Know That Context Doesn’t Mean That It Isn’t Time To Take Action: It’s normal to hope that this will blow over.  And it may – for now.  But any time a husband is uttering words that indicate he is tired of your marriage or thinks that there is a compatibility issue, you want to pay very close attention and you want to take action right away.  I say this not to scare you, but from the concerned place of someone who was in a similar situation. I hoped for the problem to pass over, but I ultimately ending up separated.  I think that I possibly could have avoided that fate by taking action at the first sign of trouble.

Moving Forward Quickly: It’s unfortunate that your husband waited so long to share that this issue has been bothering him, but you can’t undo that at this point.  What you can do, however, is be careful of what (and who) you are presenting to him moving forward.  It doesn’t sound as if he has made definite plans to move out or to pursue a separation, which means that you may have some time to address this.

Sit back and be really honest with yourself.  Which of his concerns have some validity?  What is he right about?  Is this issue something that other friends and family members have expressed?  If so, then there is nothing wrong with addressing it.  Sometimes, it takes a painful situation to stimulate growth.  If you take this and use it to move you forward so that you grow and improve in some way, then at least the pain will have been for something.  At least you can use this as a stimulus to improve your marriage.

If you are very honest and you find that his words do not have validity, then you may want to dig a little deeper.  Sometimes, a husband will project another problem onto what is obvious or handy.  It may not have been the heat or your personality at all during that family gathering.  But the situation might have given your husband an easy explanation.  Sometimes, a husband can be frustrated and not quite sure why.  That’s one more reason why it’s very important to be extremely observant right now – so that you are taking action on the items that are truly at issue.

My husband made some pretty mean-spirited and personal-sounding comments right before our separation.  Most of them were just him projecting deep-down issues onto our marriage.  I had to dig and analyze for a while before I could determine the real issues.   We did eventually reconcile, but I like to think that this all could have been avoided if we had both been more observant and forthcoming  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There is no question that it can be hard to contain your excitement when you think that it might actually be possible to reconcile with a separated spouse. If the separation has been volatile enough or has gone on for long enough, you may have started to worry that you were going to end up divorced.

And yet, somewhere along the way, the tide begins to turn. A reconciliation may not look so impossible after all. And it’s normal to want to share your excitement about this or to cement it in some way.  But, because you are separated, you may not be able to see your husband the second that you want to. Or, you may worry that the words about the reconciliation may come out all wrong.

And so you come up with a plan to write him a letter. But then the worry sets in about what could go wrong here. While a letter can work great during times of harmony, things can be misconstrued when the other person can’t see your facial expressions or hear your tone of voice. Not only that, but what do you say to make sure that you express what you want or need to say?

Someone might have this sort of concern: “after seven months of a trial separation, I feel as if my husband and myself have started to make some progress.  For the first few months, we barely spoke. Then, very slowly, we started to email. Then we started to text. Then came the phone calls. Finally, we have progressed to seeing each other once per week. Things are going well. And last weekend, I finally got up my courage to ask my husband if he would be open to a reconciliation. His answer was that he would be open to it ‘eventually.’ I’m a little disappointed that he doesn’t seem to be as enthusiastic as I am. But I am happy that it appears that he might be willing to reconcile nonetheless. When my husband and I were first dating, I used to write him letters all of the time. We would go on a wonderful date and I would come home so excited and pour my heart out in words. I would like to do that once again. I would like to write him a letter about a possible reconciliation. But I do not want to mess anything up. Many of my friends have cautioned me about this because they are afraid that I will scare my husband off. That is not my intention. But I want him to know that I’m very excited to reconcile with him. What’s wrong with that?”

I understand the enthusiasm. I felt the same way. I also understand why your friends are telling you to be careful. My enthusiasm did make my husband hesitate when we had FINALLY made some progress during our separation, so unfortunately, I know first hand that this risk is real.

Take An Honest Inventory About What Contributed To The Progress: I do understand that it can be hard to temper your enthusiasm. But let’s look at the facts quickly. As was the case with myself, all of your progress has been made GRADUALLY. I am not telling you this to rain on your parade or to hurt you. I am telling you this because I am trying to keep you from potentially making a very common mistake. I can’t tell you how often I hear from people who have gotten a bit too enthusiastic or excited when the potential for a reconciliation presents itself. And suddenly, overwhelmed and a little afraid, their husband backs away. It’s difficult to regain the ground once this happens. Which is why it’s better to keep your enthusiasm manageable so that it doesn’t overwhelm or scare your husband.

Showing Is More Effective Than Telling: Honestly, I think it is better to SHOW your husband your stance with your behaviors instead of with your words. Separated spouses can be very wary of empty promises. However, I do understand the wish to write a letter.

Understand The Importance Of The Letter’s Tone: If you are going to write a letter, I would keep it very light. I would simply tell your husband that you have enjoyed the recent time with him and that you’re glad that you are regularly seeing one another again. You can also tell him that you hope that there are many enjoyable days ahead. But you want to stop short of saying anything that makes him think that you’re assuming that you will reconcile or that he will move back in tomorrow.  And you don’t want to paint a negative picture by saying that you will need to “work hard” or “buckle down” in the days ahead to make a reconciliation happen.

I know that this is your husband and it is hard to stop yourself or to temper your excitement when this should all come so naturally. But a reconciliation can be very delicate. There can be worries and doubts that can be magnified when you apply pressure. Sometimes, husbands can misinterpret enthusiasm for pressure.

Since a steady, gradual pace has worked for you so far and has allowed you to continue to make progress, I would keep right on with that. I would move forward as comfort levels allow, but I would not make assumptions or be overly enthusiastic. I would try to have fun and enjoy the time rather than overanalyzing it or allowing it to wither under the pressure.

Of course, this might seem easy for me to say since my husband I reconciled. But I only offer caution because I almost ruined my own reconciliation with my own over-enthusiasm and assumptions. Once I decided to let my husband lead the way sometimes, things improved. You want this process to feel fun and exciting.  It’s not meant to feel pressure-filled or awkward. You can read more about how I finally brought about a successful reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There is no question that it is an admirable thing when one spouse supports another.  This can be emotional, physical, or financial support.  The fact is, not every one who is married peaks at their career at the same time as their spouse.  Sometimes, they are just beginning on their career path or they are still in school while the other spouse is at a comfortable and prominent place in their own career.  Much of the time, the more financially stable spouse has no problem whatsoever with supporting the other.  That is what people who love one another do.  And the idea is always that improving one person’s career situation will eventually improve the financial  situation of the couple in the long run.  Most people see this as a “win / win” situation that is mutually beneficial.  Sometimes though, the spouse receiving the support can eventually find themselves uncomfortable with the arrangement.  And this is where the problems start.

A wife might say: “I had no problems supporting my husband through school.  I knew that once he graduated, he would have a much higher earning potential.  And I also knew that he would feel much better about himself.  I worked and supported our entire household throughout his entire college career and I was more than happy to do it.  My husband pitched in with running the household because he was home more than I was. So in my mind, it worked out wonderfully because I was freed up to just worry about my job and he felt that he was making a difference in our home.  I was completely fine with this arrangement.  And looking back on it now, I honestly don’t think that I ever did anything to make my husband feel weird or badly about this. But as soon as he graduated, I was still making three times the amount that he was.  I tried to tell him that every one starts out in an entry level position and that we had no need for him to make huge amounts of money immediately.  This didn’t seem to help.  He obviously felt pretty badly about himself.  I tried to build him up, but obviously it turned into a problem because he actually ended up leaving our home and telling me that he just needed some space and time.  He is staying with his brother and he tells me that he feels awful that he can’t afford a place for himself.  He said that he will feel more like a respectable person if he can live on his own and earn his own way for a while.  He said that he needs to do this for his own self worth.  Some of my friends say that this is just an excuse.  I am not sure if I buy that this is an excuse because quite frankly, if he didn’t leave me for his own self respect, then I can’t think of another reason.  I honestly feel that other than this issue, our marriage was really good.”

I only guessing here, but I would suspect that you have two major concerns.  You are wondering whether or not he’s being sincere about his motivations for leaving.  And you are wondering if this matters in terms of him coming back.

From my own experience, I know that it is very tempting to ask him a bunch of questions and to pressure him about why, exactly, he is doing this.  But often, this will make him clam up even more and he will get frustrated on top of this.  In my experience, you are better off trying to maintain a positive and open relationship with him so that you can watch him very closely.  Often, just observing what you see in terms of his actions and behaviors will tell you what you need to know about his motivations.

In terms of whether you can overcome this, I have seen separated couples overcome almost everything. If he truly is dealing with low self esteem and self worth right now, then know that although you can support him and encourage him, no one is going to be able to give him self worth except for himself.  Counseling may help him, if he is open to it.

It is my opinion that your best bet is to offer him support and understanding and allow him the controlled space that he thinks he needs.  Quite often, men in this situation will soon find that they do not feel nearly as happy or as free as they had hoped.  They often find that they are every bit as unsettled apart from their wives than with her.  And this is when they realize that their unhappiness or sense of unease has nothing to with their marriage or their wife.  It is something that they need to work on within themselves.

Once they realize this, you really don’t have to do anything.  And since you have been loving and supportive all along, then you will be in a very good position once this happens.  This is so much better than trying to tell him he’s wrong or being silly or asking too much when he’s already struggling with low self esteem.

I know that it is hard to support him when it feels as if he is rejecting you.  But it is understandable as to why his self esteem may have taken a hit.  If you are supportive and give this time and he is still distant and unhappy, then you may want to dig a little deeper.  I know that this feels awful.  I felt the same fears during my own separation.  But the time eventually worked for me and we eventually reconciled. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  For many separated wives who want to reconcile, the first thing that they may try is to get their husband to willingly want to come home. They may attempt this in a number of ways.  If these attempts don’t work, many will move on to another strategy.  One example is attempting to make a husband regret ever having left.  The idea is that if you can make him feel some regret, then he will naturally want to come home as a result.

People sometimes ask me the best ways to get a husband to regret leaving.  I firmly believe that some of the obvious or commonly-tried attempts actually do more harm than good.  Although they are tempting, normal, and easy, they often will only make the situation worse.  They are what I call ‘low quality attempts’ because they don’t require a lot of discipline to carry out.  Here are some examples:

Trying To Shame Or Guilt Him Into Regret:  Many wives will honestly try to make their husband feel like a selfish person.  The wife will say things like: “well, I hope that you are enjoying your precious space while your children cry for you every night and your wife takes care of all of the things that you left behind.”  The irony is that sometimes, everything that the wife says is completely true. But it falls on deaf ears anyway because no one wants to believe this type of truth about themselves. No want wants to face this harsh reality.  So as a result, the husband might turn on the wife even more, or just avoid her.

Trying To Make Him Jealous By Attempting To Make Him Believe That There Is (Or May Soon Be) Someone Else: I will be the first to admit that this one is a slippery slope.  Because my starting to go out with my friends during my own separation actually brought about improvement.  And it’s possible that my husband might have worried that I might see someone while I was out.  And yet, I was always straight on the fact that I truly had no intention of dating.

In my mind, I was still very much married.  I would never have acted inappropriately with any man – separation or not.  But there’s no denying that this can be an easy strategy to try.  The wife will try to arrange it so the husband knows that she’s getting all dressed up, going out on the town, and could possibly be attracting other men.  The idea is: ‘if you don’t want me, someone else is going to.’

Again, I understand why this is tempting.  It’s easy to try and it makes you feel as if you are giving him a little taste of his own medicine.  But, I don’t think it’s sending an optimal message.  I always felt that, ultimately, I wanted my husband to think in the same way that I did – which was that we were still married and therefore we should both still be faithful, even during the separation.  However, if I tried to allude that other men might be in the picture, then I was doing something that I was asking my husband not to do.  And this just isn’t showing integrity.

Admittedly, I did go out with female friends.  And I think my husband did worry about what might happen as a result of that. This may have worked to my advantage.  But again, I always stressed that I had no intention of seeing anyone else.  And that was the truth.  I was still very much invested in my marriage.

Now, let’s move onto what I call the high quality methods.  These are harder to carry out.  They require a high degree of integrity and discipline.  But they accomplish what you really want.  They make it so that your husband wakes up one day and he realizes that he’s made a mistake and that he hopes that it’s not too late.  He willingly wants to come back without negative games of trickery.

Showing Yourself As A Woman Worthy Of His Love And His Respect:  I know that this is asking a lot.  Because I know that it is so easy to become impatient, to become frustrated, to lash out, or to try some of those negative tactics I talked about before. But if you can delay, take the high road, and ultimately conduct yourself with dignity and grace, you will often be rewarded for it.

Sometimes, if you just focus on yourself, act in a way that isn’t detrimental to your family or your marriage, and continue to be the best version of yourself, then your husband will eventually look around and realize that his space is not all that he thought it might be, that he misses you, and that you are honestly not the problem.

At this point, he will likely feel some remorse.  This isn’t the same as regret. It’s better than regret.  Because generally speaking, regret is much more negative an emotion.  And you have to be careful forcing negativity onto him.  The reason is that sometimes, he will project this negativity onto you and he will think that in order to be happy and to avoid the negativity, he needs to also avoid you (and perhaps your marriage.)  This obviously is not what you want or need.

I totally understand wanting a husband to regret leaving you.  It’s natural and understandable.  But it doesn’t always ensure the best result.  I learned this the hard way.  I attempted regret and it backfired.  It was only when I conducted myself toward a higher standard that I liked the result. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Separated wives often think that if they just knew for sure that their husband still loved them, then things would be OK.  They feel sure that if the loving feelings returned, then this marital issue could be worked out.

It might be surprising to know that love doesn’t always guarantee that a separation will end.  Some wives feel pretty sure that their separated husband still loves them.  And yet, it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  Here’s a typical comment in this type of scenario: “I was completely floored when my husband left me.  Because I know in my heart, without any doubt, that he loves me.  No, he doesn’t tell me anymore.  And during this separation, he hasn’t reached out to me all that much.  But when we are together and he looks at me, I see total longing.  I’m not kidding.  It is there in his eyes. And other people have noticed it also.  It does confuse me – how I can know without any doubt that he loves me and yet we are still apart?  There are some things about me that I guess my husband feels that he just can not live with anymore.  He thinks that I am spoiled and selfish.  He thinks that I only consider myself and that I have never really loved him just for himself – but for what he can give me.  I don’t know how to respond to these assumptions.  I am not as mature as him; I admit that.  And I have probably said and done some things that make him feel taken for granted.  But I do love him.  And I could be a better wife if he would give me the chance.  But I do know that he still loves me.  Why is that not enough?”

I wish that I could give you an answer that would be sufficient to answer this question.  But honestly, there probably isn’t one in existence.  Unfortunately, I can tell you that there are many couples who are undoubtedly both still in love with one another and yet, they just could not make it work.  Sometimes, there is conflict, lack of resolution, or deal-breakers between the couple that just keep them from being together.

Appreciating That There Is One Less Issue To Overcome: Knowing that love is enough would be ideal.  But love is only one piece of the puzzle.  I don’t want to discount love because it can make a reconciliation easier.  Many husbands leave and question whether they still love their wives PLUS they have conflict.  In these cases, there are many issues to overcome. So at least acknowledge that with the love still there, this is one less issue to worry about.

Don’t Become Complacent Because Of The Love: At least you do have the confidence in knowing that he still loves you, but I think that there can be a danger of assuming that there is no risk when love is present.  Don’t allow this assumption to cause you to not address the problems.  Sometimes, the problems win and cause a divorce in spite of the love.

Of course, I don’t know your husband, but from what you have said, one can assume that he would like to see evidence of your gaining maturity, your showing consideration for him, and your exhibiting less behavior that makes him feel taken for granted.  If the love is still there, at least it is more likely that he will be open to seeing and considering these improvements when they happen.

Allow Him To See Real Growth: I do think that it’s vital that he sees that you are taking this very seriously and are very sincere in your desire to show change and growth in order to save your marriage.  Ask yourself which of his assumptions have validity and then work very hard to address what is keeping you from having a strong and solid marriage.

Really make that change.  Don’t just tell your husband that you have – only to have him discover the truth and then lose all trust for you.  Sometimes, you can attempt to fool him, just to get him back quickly. But once this is discovered, not only can it ruin everything, but it can made it incredibly hard to get him back the second time.

So it’s important that you are very sincere about real and lasting change.  It’s important that you see the health and balance of your marriage as a priority.

Show Him That Having Most Of What He Wants Is Possible: I don’t want to discount the remaining love.  There is no doubt that it is an advantage because it may make him want to believe you.  It may make him think that your marriage is worth fighting for.  But, your job is still to make him see that, with a little tweaking, he can have BOTH the person who makes him happy AND the marriage that makes him happy.

Because the separation has shown that although he loves the person, he didn’t love how the marriage was shaping up.  You can’t have a mutually fulfilling marriage without both of those things.  The good news is that you only have one of these things to fix.  So it makes sense to get moving and to show him that you are serious.

In the beginning of our separation, I never doubted my husband’s love for me (although once he left, he rarely showed it.)  But as time went on and it seemed that we made very little progress, reality started to dawn on me.  I realized that my husband was considering our problems more than he was considering the love.  This realization almost came too late. You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are times when you are dealing with a trial or marital separation where you don’t really know for sure why your husband pursued all of this. Sure, he may have given you very general descriptions about being unhappy or needing his space, but he hasn’t come right out and told you EXACTLY why he’s pushing for the separation or what would need to happen in order to change it. This can feel very frustrating.

However, there’s another type of scenario that is equally as frustrating, but also very painful. This is when the husband spells out what caused the separation with a very painful reason – the fact that he is no longer attracted to you. Not only can this hurt pretty badly, but it leaves you wondering what you could possibly do in order to get that attraction back.

A wife might ask: “I am wondering if it is possible to re-attract a separated husband to you. My husband has been acting weird for a while – for the last two years, really. It started happening shortly after I gave birth to my second child. I gained some weight that I just could not shake. With two small children underfoot, I admit that I do not have as much time to worry about my appearance. And it doesn’t make sense to get all dolled up or to dress up when the kids are going to mess up my clothing anyway. But my husband left and then said we were separated. At first, he didn’t really specify why he did this. But I kept begging him for explanations. Finally, he told me that he was going to be honest with me, but that it might hurt to hear what he had to say. I told him that hurtful honesty is better than not knowing. He said that he had lost his attraction to me. He said that I am not the same person that I used to be. I don’t get this. I am exactly the same person that I used to be. Sure, I’ve put on a few pounds and I have been wanting to take them off for a long time. I feel that with work, I can get those pounds off. But I am wondering if that is going to be enough to re-attract him. How in the world can I change to get him attracted to me again? I know that I am the same person, so I guess I am going to have to change in order to save my marriage.”

I hear from a lot of folks who want to know how to change. And please don’t take this the wrong way. What I am about to say does not mean that I do not think change is possible. I do. I believe that it is possible to change your behaviors and perceptions. I believe that it is possible to enhance or to make the most of what you have. But I don’t believe that it’s possible (or advisable) to change the core of who or what you are.

Yes, it probably would not hurt to get as healthy as you possibly can and to make an effort to look nice for both yourself and for your husband. But completely changing yourself is likely not what he is asking for or expects. You have to remember that you are the woman whom he fell in love with. You are the mother of his children. You have a long history with him that you should not discount.

Know What He’s Really Asking Of You: I will tell you something that might be important. I sometimes hear from husbands of new mothers or mothers of young children. In no way is this your fault, but these husbands can sometimes feel discounted or ignored. If they are being honest, they will tell you that they feel their wife no longer has time for them. They will tell you that all of the attention, energy, and effort goes to the children. They will tell you that their wife is no longer the playful, laughing, vibrant woman that she once was.

Why am I telling you this? Because it may not be solely your looks that you are dealing with. You may focus only on the pounds and miss what is the core issue. Your husband may simply want more of your time, attention, and effort. So while I think it’s always wise to be as healthy as you can and to look nice for your own self-confidence and well being, I also think that it’s equally as important to take some time for your spouse, for yourself, and for your marriage.

Yes, that may be more difficult now that you are separated, but it can be done. Cultivate the person that you used to be. Take some time to focus on yourself and your own interests so that you become your own person again. Don’t get me wrong. Men love their children. They want their wife to focus on their children and families. But they also want the wife who placed some focus on them also. They also want a wife who is vibrant, interesting, and captivating.

I know you might be thinking: “well this all sounds nice, but it’s hard to do all that with kids.” I know this very well. But it makes sense to at least try to strike that balance. Because having two involved and present parents is also very good for your children. So it makes sense to try very hard to get the balance right for their sake and without any guilt.

I’m telling you this because I firmly believe that getting a husband attracted to you again is only partially about your looks or your sex appeal. Honestly, I think that looks are only a small part of the equation. I think that the bigger part is being present, attentive, and enthusiastic. Men adore women who they think understand and prioritize them. In fact, I’d argue that they place a higher value on this than on looks.

I too assumed that I needed to boost my looks to get my separated husband back.  This wasn’t as effective as I had hoped.  It wasn’t until I changed my approach that I truly saw results.   You can read more about how that played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband leaves, you often try to console yourself with the fact that tomorrow is another day. You tell yourself that perhaps in time, you can fix this and the two of you can reconcile. The hope is that you will both eventually calm down, miss each other, and fix what is broken. This is not impossible. This scenario does happen some of the time. It’s actually not that unusual.

But some husbands will tell you that this scenario is impossible. Some are either so angry or so distant that they are determined to slash any hope that you might feel. A wife might say: “my husband has been very angry with and disappointed in me for almost a year. I made a stupid mistake and lost my job. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have never done anything disrespectful to him. I took my job for granted and took short cuts. This was found out and losing my job was very irresponsible of me and caused my husband and myself to completely struggle financially. It’s caused a lot of stress. I worked very hard to get another job, but the one I have pays no where near what the other one did. My husband was in school and he had to cut back on his schooling because of finances. We fought all of the time because of this. I should have been more apologetic. I realize this now. But he left me last weekend. I let him calm down for a couple of days, but when we finally talked, I asked him if there was any eventual chance for us. He says that he doesn’t think that he can ever love me again. He said that there is too much bad blood between us now. He says that he just wants a fresh start and to start over in his life. This has devastated me. I can’t believe that he would stop loving me over a change in my job and financial situation. So he only loved me because of my earning capacity? Things used to be so good between us. I can’t believe how far we have fallen. Is a man ever wrong about his ability to love you again? I find myself rejecting what he is saying and still trying to hold out hope that eventually, he could find some love for me once again. Is this even possible? Or am I just fooling myself?”

That’s hard for me to say. But I can tell you that my husband pretty much represented the same thing to me at one time – that he didn’t think that there was much hope. And yet, we are still married today and we eventually reconciled. It took much longer than I would have liked. But it did eventually happen.

I can also tell you that money is the most common reason that people have marital problems. In this case, the money is an issue, but there’s also the issue of your husband thinking that you didn’t put your family’s financial position high enough on your priority list. He may have perceived this as irresponsible.

So the goal would be to eventually show him your commitment level to your family and to demonstrate a commitment to being financially responsible in the future. Of course, in order to show this, you will need access to him. This often increases as time passes. I know that things are fresh right now. But sometimes, with the passage of time, things calm down and your husband becomes more receptive to what you have to say.

As far as the love coming back, that is usually quite gradual as well. But it does happen.  Once the situation improves, the feelings come back (or never left in the first place.) It generally takes spending a good deal of time together over a gradual period of time. At first, things might be awkward and strained. But the more time that you get under your belt, the easier it becomes.

I know that you might be tempted to just tell him that you’ve abruptly changed or to push for a quick reconciliation. But this will often backfire. It is usually to your benefit to lay a foundation first. Otherwise, your husband will doubt your sincerity and no real change can take place.

I can’t predict the future. Some couples do not reconcile, but many do. Sometimes the love does not return. But there are plenty of times when it does. This is up to you, but I think that it may be very early in the game to give up. It seems that you are still invested in your marriage, so I don’t think there is any harm in seeing what might happen in the days to come.

You may find your husband being more receptive in the future. If he is, then that is your chance to show him a woman who is very committed and serious about her future. (And you can show him this in the meantime, even if he is not yet receptive.) Always look for your chance to show him that you are committed to putting changes and growth in place. And now is your chance the lay the foundation for open communication in your marriage so that conflict doesn’t need to derail you into the future.

As I alluded to, I’m sure my husband thought that he didn’t love me anymore when we separated.  And yet, the love returned and we are still together.  You don’t have to give up hope.  Some couples do reconcile.  It is not impossible.  Sometimes you just have to learn how to play the game.  And play it well.  You can read more about my experience on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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