Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When you are dealing with a martial separation and it is taking longer than you had hoped, you really only have two choices.  You can wait and can continue to live with uncertainty for a while.  Or you can decide that you are tired of waiting and can move toward making the separation more of a permanent situation, thinking that at least this would be a resolution that would allow you to move on with your life.  I think that most people can see the validity of both decisions.  It truly is up to the individual to decide what is best for them.

However, some people worry about what others think if they decide to stick it out and wait – especially if it is the actions of the other person that brought about the separation.  Others worry that they are stupid or naive for waiting. Someone might ask: “my husband is in the midst of a midlife crisis.  This has been going on for almost a year.  So I am worried that this is no longer just a passing phase.  I am worried that these changes in my husband’s personality are going to be permanent. Frankly, ever since he started with this midlife crisis, he has acted as if our marriage brought him down.  Things got so bad that he moved out and initiated a separation.  It has been several months and things have not gotten any better.  People keep asking me when I’m filing for divorce.  The thing is, I do not want to file for divorce.  Somewhere within me, I can’t help remembering my husband and my marriage before all of this happened.  We were happy.  He was a great person.  He has mentioned perhaps getting counseling, although he has not acted upon it.  I keep thinking that if he would just do this, maybe then he would snap out of his funk and we could eventually get our marriage back on track.  Some of my friends are offering me some ‘tough love’ and are telling me that they can’t sit back silently and watch me throw my life away for a man that hasn’t reciprocated my concern.  They say that it doesn’t appear that my husband plans to break away from his midlife crisis any time soon.  And that I am a fool for just waiting around?  They say that I am still young and could still attract another husband.  But that if I wait, my best years are going to pass me by.  Are they right? Am I absolutely stupid for waiting?

You are NOT stupid.  No one is stupid for wanting their marriage to work out.  Committed and patient, yes.  Stupid, absolutely not.  I was separated for far longer than I wanted to be (because my husband was unsure of his feelings.)  And I had plenty of people telling me that I should not wait and should cut my losses.  This hurt me more than I can express.  Because I knew that everyone was acting out of love for me.  And yet, their kindness and concern actually made me feel worse about myself and about my situation.  People seem to think that you can just move on and replace your husband with another one, like a pair of worn out socks.  But for many of us, it’s not that easy, or even that possible.  I did not want a new husband.  I wanted my old one.

I finally firmly and gently told people that while I appreciated their concern, sticking it out was my decision and that I wanted to talk about other things. Basically, I took the topic of my marriage (and separation) off the table. That meant that I didn’t share my marriage with others, but I did talk to professionals and journal to release my feelings, which is very important.

I suppose it’s sort of easy for me to conclude that I wasn’t stupid to wait for my husband because now we are reconciled. However, I think that even if we had ended up divorced, I would still feel that it wasn’t stupid.  I believe in commitment.  I believe in giving things time.  If my husband had eventually divorced me, I still would not have thought I was stupid or that I was wasting my time because I would have known that I did everything that I could to save my marriage.  And that is important to me.  I don’t want to think of myself as someone who just walks away.

Granted, waiting doesn’t ensure that you will be able to save your marriage.  But if you are not ready to move on, whose business is that but yours? That said, it’s not healthy to get in a situation where you’ve put your life on hold and are not truly living because you are doing nothing other than waiting.  That is not healthy, either.

I think that you can do both.  I think that you can wait to see what is going to happen with your husband and your marriage while pursuing your own best life, considering the circumstances.  I pursued hobbies and outside interests and went out with friends during my separation.  I worked on myself.  I did not put my life on hold (except for in the beginning, when I really struggled, which you can read about here.)

If you are living your life and are engaged with things that are important to you, then it should not be detrimental for you to wait for a while.  I think that what your friends are most concerned about is your putting yourself – and your own contentment – on hold while you’re just idly waiting for your husband.  But if you can show them that you have no plans to be idle, perhaps this will help them to show a little more patience and compassion.  Because you deserve nothing less.

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are equally as hurt by their husband’s behaviors and actions during the separation as they are by the separation itself. Many have never seen their husband act so distant and cold before.  And they’re left wondering how he is able to just turn the love on and off – like it appears that he is able to do.

Many wives wonder if his cold behavior is going to have any implications on the possibility of a reconciliation.  Someone might say: “my husband and I have known one another since we were about five years old.  We have been through everything together.  I am best friends with my husband’s sister and always have been.  So I have been part of his family in more ways than one.  I am very close to his mother.  We have been married for over ten years, but we have been vital to one another’s lives for much longer than that. We have always been so important to one another.  But for the last year, he has become distant and cold.  Now he says that he wants to try a trial separation. So he packed his things, loaded up his car, and went to a coworker’s guest house.  Since that time, I am lucky if we talk every other day.  And when we do talk, it is as if he rushes the conversation. It’s like he can not get off the phone fast enough.  Which is completely ironic because my husband and I used to talk for hours.  What I truly don’t understand is how he can walk away so easily from a lifetime relationship. Make no mistake about it.  My husband is the most important person in my life. I would never willingly cast him aside.  He is my best friend.  And yet, that is exactly what he has done to me.  And I don’t understand it.  Does he just not love me as much as I love him?”

I know that this hurts.  And I know that it appears that he’s walked away from your marriage with relative ease.  But I’ve dialogued with a lot of men in this situation, including my own husband.  Admittedly, it can appear that they are walking away from the situation without so much as a backward glance.  But you can’t always see into their minds or hearts.

Why Husbands Distance Themselves During A Separation: Much of the time, they distance themselves and they shut down their emotions because if they didn’t, they know that they would struggle.  Also, often, their stoic persona is for your benefit.  Why?  Because they figure if you saw their doubt or saw them waffling, you’d only pressure them or question them more, and they are trying to avoid this.  In their minds, the whole thing might be easier if it’s done abruptly and cleanly, like pulling off a bandaid.

This May Have Been Brewing For A While: Here’s another thing to consider.  Most husbands don’t make a decision as quickly as you assume.  What I mean by this is that by the time a husband actually leaves, he has usually been considering this for much longer than you know.  It typically takes a lot of time and turmoil for anyone to come to a decision about something as important as this.  He knows that his decision is going to disrupt every one’s life.  He knows that it is going to cause pain.  He knows that things might be awkward around your families.  These are all important considerations – which may mean that he probably did not take this decision lightly.

But once he makes the decision, he often just doesn’t want to debate it because doing so would only make this harder.  So he shuts down.  He puts on a cold and distant persona in the hopes that you will think that there is no room for discussion. Yes, this gives the appearance of him being able to walk away easily.  But sometimes, appearances just aren’t accurate.

He May Feel The Same Void That You Feel: Many men DO struggle.  Think about it.  Yes, this is a very important long-term relationship for you, but the same is true of him.  He is going to wake up tomorrow alone.  Do you really think that he can go from interacting with you for most of his life to limiting his contact with you and not feel that void?

Sure, he may well be trying to downplay that void for your benefit right now, but that doesn’t mean that he does not feel or experience the void.  He may just be trying to keep you from seeing it.

I know that it might be tempting to try to inspire a reaction from him (even a negative one) just to have reassurance that he can feel something – anything  – as far as you are concerned.  But, this will often only make you feel more distance from him and make the estrangement even more acute.

In my own experience, it’s better to act in a way that brings him closer to you rather than further away.  And you can use the power of deduction and common sense to know that, since you’ve been front and center in his life for so very long, walking away without a reaction is going to be close to impossible, despite whatever act he’s putting on.

You can read more about how I handled my own distant husband during the separation (and eventually reconciled) at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some husbands who ask you for a separation figure the less you know, the better. These husbands will purposely be vague with their information. Sometimes, they do this because they are trying to keep from hurting you. Sometimes, they truly aren’t clear on their plans or on their reasoning. So they can not tell you what they don’t know. Some wives assume that this lack of information means something sinister or underhanded, or that it is something that they need to worry about.

For example, one might say: “my husband isn’t really giving me much information about his need for a separation or even how the separation is going to work. All that he will say is that he feels like he wants a break from our marriage. He will only say that he is not going to seek a divorce right away and that he thinks that we should just handle the issues as they come. He will tell me that he is looking for an apartment, but he won’t say where. The thing is, my husband is not usually so secretive. He’s typically a pretty open guy. That’s why I feel like he’s not telling me everything. I have tried to ask him about this, but he gets frustrated and insists that there is nothing really to tell. He swears that there is no one else and that there isn’t really any master or sinister plan – other than he just wants to take a break. I wish that I could believe him. My husband is typically not someone who withholds the truth. He’s usually pretty straightforward. Which is why all of this is a little weird. Is it possible that he is not telling me the whole truth or the whole story? Why else would he act this way?”

Anything is possible. And I’m certainly not going to try to tell you that men never lie to their wives when they seek a separation. I can’t say that some men who do this aren’t having affairs, haven’t already seen a divorce attorney, and haven’t already made long-range plans. There are certainly some men who have.

But, there are also men who have not. You indicated that your husband was usually truthful and straight forward. So you have to ask yourself if your suspicions just stem from the understandable fear and confusion that you feel right now. Or whether you have seen any concrete evidence which would tell you that you are right.

Because honestly, I had these same suspicions with my own husband. He kept most information to himself when we separated. It turns out that there was no other woman or no master plan. Looking back now, I think he kept information to himself in an attempt to keep me from making more a pest of myself than I already was. At that time, I was so scared and paranoid that if you had given me one crumb of information, I was going to run with it. I was going to assume the very worst. If my husband had told me that he was going out with friends, I was going to assume that he was trolling bars for other women, even though this was certainly not true.

At that time, my inclination was always to think the of the most horrible scenario that I could possibly imagine. So I think that he was trying to protect me or to tone down my pessimistic thinking by keeping things close to the vest. (Incidentally, I actually think that this sometimes makes it worse. Because if people don’t give you a true version of reality, then sometimes, you end up making up your own version – which can be a version far worse than reality.)

Sometimes, what you are seeing is a combination of your husband trying to protect you and also the fact that he truly isn’t sure what he’s doing. He may well be just trying to take things as they come. Honestly, this process can be just as overwhelming for the husbands who are seeking the break. It can be too much to think deeply about the details – so they truly are flying by the seat of their pants. They aren’t telling you details because they themselves don’t really have any details.

I know that this doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. I have been there. I know that this is very difficult. But, time does have a way of showing you the truth. If there is something that he isn’t telling you, then you will find out soon enough. But being suspicious or pushing will often just make him pull further away from you. I know this from experience.

I would suggest just casually trying to glean information from your conversations and interactions. He shouldn’t feel like you are grilling him, but when you can work a natural question into the conversation, go ahead and do so. His response will tell you how much further you can go. I know that you deserve more information. And if he has it, there is nothing wrong with asking as you are able to. But sometimes, he truly does not have the information to give you because he doesn’t know himself.

I know that this is difficult to process.  But digging for information that just isn’t there can sometimes backfire and cause more distance during the separation.  I learned this the hard way and had a lot of ground to make up as a result.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s a tricky situation when both parties in a marriage know that if the situation were different, one spouse would leave.  In today’s economy, money often keeps people together.  For many couples, supporting two households is simply too difficult right now.  But that doesn’t keep an unhappy spouse from constantly reminding the other that once things change, he is going to be out of there.

A wife might say: “my husband lost his job about 14 months ago. This put stress on every area of our lives – including our marriage.  We began to fight all of the time.  My husband has become a melancholy, pessimistic person who I don’t always like being around.  But, at the end of the day, he is my husband and I made a commitment to this marriage.  He, on the other hand, is starting to distance himself from his commitments.  Often, when we fight, he will tell me that he’s only here because our finances dictate that we stay together.  He tells me that as soon as he finds a new job and is ‘back on his feet again,’ he is going to pursue a separation or divorce.  This makes me very hurt and very angry.  He is pretty much telling me that he is only using me because he can’t afford not to.  So, he’s going to allow me to support him, but he’s got one foot out the door.  And when he gets a job and I am of no use to him anymore, he is going to dump me. How am I supposed to respond to this?  I don’t want to lose my marriage, but it sure sounds as if his mind is made up.”

Just For A Second, Try To Put This Into Context: I understand your thought process.  Your husband’s words ARE thoughtless, hurtful, and quite unfair.  However, they are not uncommon.  People who are unwillingly unemployed tend to project their frustration onto their loved ones and sometimes, onto their marriages.  For just a second, try to put yourself in your husband’s position.  People feel worthless and somewhat depressed when they lose their jobs.  Problems have a way of getting multiplied.  Mountains get made out of molehills.  As a result, our love ones are sometimes on the receiving end of our frustrations.  I do not mean to excuse your husband or insinuate that his behavior isn’t anything but unfortunate and unfair.  But, he would certainly not be the first unemployed man to lash out at a loved one.  Mens’ self worth can be very much tied to their jobs.  So when they lose their job, they can struggle deeply.   I would even go so far to say that if your husband was happily employed right now, you likely would not be seeing this level of behavior.

My point is, some of what he is saying and doing could be directly attributed to low self worth due to his job loss.  I know that you may dread the day that he gets a new job because that might mean that he will move toward leaving you.  But I don’t think that you can discount the fact that being employed again might make him much happier in general.  When this happens, he may find that he is no longer magnifying problems or looking for them where they don’t exist.

Control What Is In Your Reach: I fully understand that you can’t control when – or if – he is going to become employed again.  That is outside of your control.  But there are likely a few things that are still within your control.  As best as you can, you can try to diminish the tension and stress level in your home – at least on your end.  You can’t control his anger and frustration – but you can control how you react to it.  And you can make it a point to let him know that you don’t blame him for his unemployment or see him differently because of it.

You can take an honest look at your marriage to see if any of his complaints hold water or are valid.  If they are, then you can make honest attempts to change things.  I know it may seem that he is only staying put out of necessity.  But he IS staying put.  So use that to your advantage.  Because of that, you have a somewhat captive audience, so none of your changes will be wasted.

Sometimes, wives in this situation find that, with some very deliberate and well-planned changes and improvements, these threats actually never come to pass.  Sometimes, your husband is just saying these things because he is desperately trying to get your attention.  He wants some relief.  And he wants for you to provide it, but he doesn’t know how to ask.  So he mistakenly tries to get your attention in negative ways rather than in positive ways.  Remember that he’s likely not thinking as clearly as usual because of the stressor of the job loss.

I’m not ignoring the problems or trying to sugar coat this. I’m just suggesting that you note the advantages that you do have – which are the fact that, for now, he is staying and that you have time to make positive changes that might mean he never leaves and, as a result, you might both enjoy a better marriage at a stressful time.

I am not trying to downplay your husband’s thoughtlessness.  I know that it hurts.  But losing your marriage and being separated can also hurt.  I would rather have revamped my marriage instead of suffering through my martial separation, but I didn’t have a choice.  I would certainly do things differently if I had the chance to do so today.  I did eventually save my marriage, but the separation was certainly no picnic.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s frustrating when your extended family has any negative effect on your marriage. After all, your relationship really is about two people – and only two – you and your husband. This relationship should not involve anyone else. That’s the ideal anyway. But this ideal doesn’t always happen. The people who love you more than anything often feel like they have a vested interest in your level of marital happiness.  So sometimes, they step in and give you their opinions. 

Someone might say: “honestly, when my husband and I were dating, I thought my family liked him. And I thought his parents liked me. Everyone seemed to encourage our relationship. My husband is a good man. And I like to think that I am also a good person who has become a good wife. But admittedly, over the last couple of years, we have hit some rough patches in our marriage. We lived apart for a while. And even though we have mostly reconciled, we are still struggling. And now our parents and family members have turned against us because they think that we are not good for one another. Honestly, I didn’t try to hide how miserable I was without my husband and how much this whole process was hurting me. So my family blames him for hurting me. And, his family believes that he only went back to me because I manipulated him to get him back. They seem to believe that I am holding him back in some way or that he stays with me out of obligation. Both of our families are rude to our spouses when we are together. Last night, his mom called and invited him on a family vacation – all expenses paid – but she made it clear that I was not invited. Her excuse was that they could only afford to pay for him, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s that they want to isolate him from me. When we were separated, my mother-in-law was constantly trying to fix my husband up with women she liked. Her hope was that he would click with one of them and divorce me. When I told my mom about the trip, her response was: ‘awesome. Let him go on the trip. Let’s hope he never comes back.’ This is frustrating and painful to my husband and I. Because we both know that our marriage is fragile enough right now. We both know that we are struggling. And then our families come in and they add additional problems. I feel like they are determined to ruin our marriage. And they just might succeed.”

This is a challenging situation. But they won’t succeed unless you let them.  Don’t let them.  It might be tempting to write your family off or to figure that if they don’t support your marriage, then there is no room for them in your life. But I would suggest not going there right away. This might actually create more stress and deep down resentment, which could also stress your marriage even more later.

Creating A United Front With Boundaries: I think that the better approach is for each of you to discuss this quite firmly with your families and then to create a united front after that. The families are likely meddling and interfering because they can sense that your marriage is still vulnerable. So, they think that they actually have a chance to get what they want. That’s why I’d caution you against sharing every fight or set back with them. If they think that your marriage is recovering and is going to last, then they won’t be as motivated to insert themselves into your marriage because doing so would be a waste of time.

In terms of addressing this with your families, I’d suggest something like: “mom, I know that the comments that you make are done out of love. I know that this is because of your concern for me. But I can’t have you bashing my spouse or not supporting my marriage. And if you can’t keep from telling my your opinions, then we’ll have to take the topic of my marriage out of our conversations. We’ll just have to talk about something else. I value my relationship with you, but I don’t want our relationship to include my marriage. I’m committed to my marriage and you are not going to change that. And when you try, it just damages our relationship and it means that I won’t have your support, which I need. I am asking you to use the love you feel for me as fuel to support me rather than to try to tear my marriage down. Will you do that?”

Now, you will probably have to remind your family of this conversation when they revert back to their old ways. But stand your ground. And after both families see that they are just wasting their time and that their meddling actually unites you instead of tears you down (when you keep showing them a united front,) they will get tired of playing games. They will see that it’s not an effective strategy. And they will hopefully realize that it’s better for everyone if they embrace your marriage rather than trying to sabotage it.

I honestly regretted telling many people about the details of my separation.  Because many of them turned on my husband.  And when we reconciled, this added more stress.  We got through it and because of this, everyone eventually backed off.  But I could have avoided much of this by not over-sharing my business.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In a good marriage, we would do just about anything for our spouse. A marriage is a relationship where, ideally, you would go to war for your spouse if you had to. People who are happily married generally have the outlook that they and their spouse are a pack of two and that they will defend that pack should anyone threaten it.

However, it can be difficult to stay with this stance throughout the course of your marriage. And when you see it starting to fade, you can feel resentment and confusion. A wife might say: “I never let anyone bad-mouth my husband. If someone insults him or criticizes him in my presence, I always defend him. The other day, my mom commented that he had not been very helpful when it came to my son’s birthday party. I immediately informed her that my husband had worked nearly two days straight and that he offered to help, but I told him to get his rest. However, when the roles were reversed, he did not do the same for me. I heard his mother criticize me at that same birthday party. She made a snide comment that I bought the cake instead of made it. This infuriated me. And my husband looked at me as she said it and he knew I was angry. But do you think he defended me? Nope. He just changed the subject.  My anger would probably be petty if this was the first time that this has happened, but it is not. He really never stands up for me. At least not anymore. He will not join in the criticism, but he never corrects or shuts down the criticizer either. It makes me very angry and it hurts me. I feel that it is your duty to have your spouse’s back. Even when I don’t agree with my husband, I always have his back. Always. It makes me wonder if he loves me as much as I love him. It makes me wonder if he is weak and cowardly. I don’t respect this about him. And I want to change it. How can I?”

I am not sure that you can (or should want to) change your husband’s core personality. But I believe that there are things that you can do to encourage him to display more of the behaviors that you are looking for. But first, I’d like to discuss why you might be seeing differences in attitude about this between yourself and your husband.

Differences In Temperaments: Just because two people are married, this does not mean that they look at life and at circumstances in the same way. Some people are just not confrontational. I know because I am one of these people. Now, I would always defend someone who is helpless and I would not stand by if the person doing the criticizing was being malicious or cruel. However, in some instances, I feel that it is best to just let things go. For example, my mother is a pretty negative person – about everything and about everyone. She will criticize the most wonderful things, just to stay in her negative comfort-zone. I love her, but it is just in her nature to point out the negative instead of the positive. At this point in her life and mine, I no longer point this out all of the time. I have learned to tune this out. And I made the decision to let most of it go. Who knows how long I still have with my mother on this Earth? I don’t want to spend all of that time arguing with her about petty things. If she lived with my husband and me, and her attitude was affecting my marriage, then of course I would have to say something. But since I only see her occasionally and her comments do absolutely nothing to affect my bottom line, it is easier (and in my opinion more productive for everyone) to just let it go.

I make this point because I want you to consider that your husband’s non-confrontational temperament does not mean that he doesn’t love you. It might mean that, like me, he has chosen to just ignore the slights. He might feel that his mother is old-fashioned and although her cake comment was ignorant and catty, he is choosing to let an old woman have her opinions and not cause a big issue about it on a day that should be happy for his child. I understand his thought process somewhat.

Knowing When It’s Appropriate And Necessary To Speak Up: At the same time, sometimes someone is truly disrespecting your spouse and getting into a habit of treating your spouse badly. I believe that in this case, it’s appropriate to speak up. And the person who should speak up should be the person closest to the offender.

For example, early in our marriage, one of my husband’s uncles stayed with us for a short time. This uncle was a bit of a chauvinist. I was sick with the flu. But that didn’t stop the uncle for expecting me to wait on him. My husband ignored the request and got up to fix the uncle something to eat. The uncle replied that this was my job. And my husband – not in a nasty way – replied that in our household we both had that job, that I was sick, and that while we were in our house, we were going to do things our way. The uncle shut right down and he has never treated me that way again.

The point is, there is a fine line between things you can let go and things that are mean-spirited and likely to continue if you say nothing. If you feel strongly that you in a situation that just can’t and should not be let go, you can try something like: “honey, I feel that this is very disrespectful to me and harmful. I think that one of us needs to address it. Since you are closest to this person, I suggest that you need to be the one to address it. But if you would prefer it to be me, then I will.”

This is usually enough to inspire your spouse to address things that just can not be ignored. But keep in mind that you have to be careful in these situations. Sometimes, saying something can start a war amongst family and friends and make things worse. So it’s important to choose your battles. But if the issue means a lot to you, there is nothing wrong with communicating this to your spouse. And if you limit your battles that things that are truly important, your spouse is more likely to rise to the occasion.

One of the challenges of married life is navigating what is truly important and what is not.  It’s so important to pick your battles.   Never let petty squabbles turn into big problems that destroy your marriage.  I learned this the hard way.  Because when something becomes a big problem, it’s hard to turn back. There’s more about how my marriage overcame one of those big problems that lead to separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I rarely get correspondence from wives telling me that their husband is too sweet, too sensitive, or too concerned about their feelings. Sure, I get the occasional complaint that a husband is too involved in the wife’s life, but this is rare.

More often, I hear from wives who complain that their husband is insensitive and that he says hurtful things, even if he doesn’t mean to. A wife might have this type of situation: “I honestly do not think that my husband is an evil or mean person. I truly do believe that he loves me. But he can be so insensitive sometimes. He hurts my feelings several times per week. For example, this morning, I chose a yellow dress to wear to work. I was feeling pretty good about myself and so as I was walking out the door, I asked my husband how I looked. His response to me was: ‘fine if you like bananas.’ I think he was telling me that I looked like a giant banana because of the color of my dress. I had no time to change and so all day at work I was self-conscious about my dress, even though I got a couple of compliments on it. This is just one example, but I could give you plenty. He just seems to flippantly say things that he has no idea might hurt me. He almost always says these things in a joking tone, but I do not take them as jokes. The other day, I was helping my child with homework and I made a mistake, which my husband overheard. He told my child: ‘thank goodness you did not inherit your brains from your mother.’ I could not just sit there, so I told him that was a mean statement. He told me that he was just kidding and said I should lighten up. He gave me a big hug and I truly don’t think he meant to hurt me, but he did. Now, I’m reluctant to help my kid when he’s around. Again, I don’t really think that this is intentional. He’s not a mean person. But I am not sure if it’s good for me to be around all of the insults. He never out and out calls me stupid or ugly, but sometimes, I feel that way because of his remarks. Otherwise, he is a good husband and father.”

Addressing The Hurt Feelings Without Causing More Negativity: This is clearly bothering you very much. No one deserves to live in a situation where they feel that they are being diminished. Since you firmly believe that your husband is not intentionally trying to hurt you and you say that he’s otherwise a good father and husband, then I think it makes sense to try to address this head-on so that your marriage doesn’t deteriorate because of this. (I learned this the hard way.)

A loving spouse wouldn’t want to hurt you, so I suspect that your husband wouldn’t have a problem with your letting him know about how this affects you, as long as you do it in a careful way. You don’t want to sound accusatory or to make him feel as if he is being wrongly criticized.

Here is a conversation that is only a suggestion. You know your husband and I do not. So you probably are aware of the words or phrases that are more likely to work. But the next time he says something that is hurtful, you might say: ‘honey, I know that you would never hurt me on purpose. But when you say things like that, it does hurt me. I know that I may be overly sensitive. But you are my husband. What you say carries more weight with me than the words of just about anyone else. Can you be more careful about what you say?”

He may respond that you ARE being overly sensitive and that you need to lighten up. In that case, I’d suggest offering a compromise where you tell him that you will make an effort to not be as sensitive if he makes an effort to choose his words more carefully.”

Evaluating Any Part You Are Playing: And you do want to ask yourself if you are being overly sensitive. For example, you did get some good feedback about your yellow dress so, at that point, you have to ask yourself how valid your concerns were. If 3 people said the dress was pretty and only one had anything negative to say, then you want to focus on those positive comments because it is the smart thing to do and it the choice that allows you to feel positive.  (Plus, some men don’t know very much about fashion.) And make no mistake.  We always have a choice as to how we are going to respond.

Another suggestion that I would have is to make a big deal of it any time your husband says something sweet to you. When this happens, you want to dwell on how good it makes you feel when he says or does nice things. Why? Because this gives him positive feedback and this makes him want to make you feel good. After a while, when he does something that would make you feel bad, it will just feel wrong to him.

Also keep in mind that, as a general rule, men are just not as sensitive as women. My grandfather was known to be very insensitive.  When we would call him on it, he used to say: “my joking with you is a sign that I care. If I didn’t care anything at all about you, then I wouldn’t joke with you.” Needless to say, sometimes his jokes were at my expense. And it used to hurt my feelings. But now that my grandfather is gone and I can look back on it with more objectivity, I see that he did not mean to hurt me. His jokes were his misguided way of showing affection.  And I know that he loved me deeply.

I suspect that the same is true in this case. But you have a luxury that I didn’t have. Your husband is still there with you. So you have the opportunity to fix this before it continues to hurt you and to deteriorate your marriage.

From past experience, I believe that it is very important to address things that bother you.  Because you don’t want for small problems to morph into big ones. I learned this the hard way and ended up separated.  And I had to learn new ways to communicate in order to save my marriage. There’s more at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  A lot of the correspondence that I get has to do with communication during a separation.  Much of the time, one spouse thinks that the communication is too much and another thinks that it is not enough.  Or one spouse does not like the format of the communication, while the other thinks that it is just fine.  Generally speaking, the spouse who wanted the space or the separation is fine with less contact and communication, while the spouse who did not want it (or who is more invested in saving the marriage) wants more contact.

This is a generality, though.  The situation doesn’t always begin this way. Nor does it always stay this way.  Sometimes, the spouse who wants space actually begins to crave more contact, while the spouse who never wanted to separate in the first place suddenly likes their freedom.  However it happens, it is not unusual for one spouse to want a little less communication and for the other to want a little more.  But, not everyone is sure how to express this without it hurting someone else’s feelings or being misunderstood.

Someone might say: “here is the great irony of this whole thing.  I am not the one who wanted the separation in the first place.  My husband is the one who really pushed for us living apart for a while.  I begged him not to do this, but he insisted that it was the only way to see how we really felt about our marriage.  I anticipated that he would slowly drift away from me, while I would cling too tightly.  And this IS what happened  – in the beginning.  But in time, we started to switch places.  My husband seemed to start missing me at about the three month mark, and I began to like my freedom a little more at about the same time.  In the early days of our separation, we would talk every couple of days.  Well, now my husband calls every day – sometimes more.  And if for some reason I am not home, he wants to know why.  He’s become very needy about these calls.  It’s ironic that I’m the one who feels like the calls are too much when I was the one calling in the beginning. But now I do feel that it is too much.  Sometimes,  I don’t want to pick up if I am doing something else.  I do love my husband.  I do want to talk to him.  But not several times per day.  How do I communicate this to him without hurting his feelings?  I don’t want him to think that I am not interested in him or our marriage.  I do want to reconcile one day.  But I am honestly enjoying the time to myself for a little while.  How do I say this without everything blowing up?”

The Delicacy Of This Situation: This is tricky. And it’s always interesting when the tides turn a little bit.  You want to be honest with him, but you don’t want to make it sound like a rejection.  And you don’t want to shut him down so that he isn’t calling at all anymore. You just want to have more control about when it is happening.

Defining What You Truly Want: I would start by asking yourself what is most objectionable.  Before you talk to him about this, ask yourself which calls bug you the most.  Is it the call that comes right before your yoga class or your book club or when you are doing something else?  Is it the call where he wants to discuss something that you have already been over time and time again?

It’s important to understand which calls are the most problematic because these are the ones you will address.  (It’s important to be very specific.) And it’s vital to understand the dynamic of what is happening so that you can approach it appropriately.  Is it a manner of control so that he feels that he’s not in control if he lets you call him?  Or is he just looking for reassurance?

Try To Give Him Alternatives: If you find that you are talking about problems or issues that come up over and over again, consider scheduling a time to discuss those.  Believe it or not, this works.  I know because my husband used this approach with me.  At first, we set a weekly time for counseling.  But later, we met on weekends to discuss specific things for a while.  That way, I knew that there was going to be a time when I was heard and given undivided attention, so I didn’t need to call every time I thought about the issue.

Now, once you’ve defined these things, you might try something like: “Hi, honey.  It’s good to hear from you, but I am walking into yoga right this second.  Can I call you back in a couple of days?”  Or, if he launches into something that you just don’t want to talk about or have already discussed endlessly, try: “you know I was thinking about this.  As evidenced by the amount of time we talk about this, I sometimes think that we are going round and round on this topic.  Maybe we should see someone to talk about and get it resolved so that we can spend our time talking about other, more pleasurable things.  I want for us to have nice conversations that we can look forward to.”

Do you see what I’m doing here?  I’m trying to give you more control over the schedule.  You’re training him to sometimes delay the conversation and you are seeking expert help to resolve the things that you end up talking about over and over.  (You could also do this with self help and set aside some time each week, but this takes discipline.)  It’s important for both of you to look forward to the conversations.  Because you want them to really count. You do not want for them to become drudgery and you certainly don’t want to start having to dodge your husband.

I know this because I was on the other side of the fence.  I was the husband in this scenario.  I called my husband too much and I was devastated when he started to avoid me because of this.  I finally got the hint, rearranged the schedule, and let him call me sometimes.  This really did change everything.  He eventually started pursuing me some.  And the tide began to turn.   You can read more about that turnaround on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for two spouses to discuss members of their extended family when they are alone together. They say these things in confidence, knowing that it is only between the two of them. These kinds of “us against them” conversations can be one of the things that helps keep a couple close. But what happens when these discussions turn hurtful? Especially when it involves critical comments about one spouse’s family? And what if the comments seem unfair or judgmental?

A wife might say: “I will admit that my family is very different from myself. I was the first person in my family to go to college. I admit that my parents and siblings live pay check to pay check. They still do not own their own home. They have really bad habits, like smoking, getting into fights sometimes, and going into debt. I myself would never do many of the things that they do. But I try not to judge them too harshly because I firmly believe that they did the best that they could at the time with what they had. A lack of education and resources really isn’t their fault. I’ve tried to help them and they are resistant. They seem perfectly happy to stay the way they are, so I just try to enjoy being with them without making judgements. My husband, on the other hand, can’t seem to do this. He will make sarcastic comments behind their backs. He will say that he doesn’t want to leave our kids alone with them because they set a bad example. Honestly, some of the things that he says are reasonable and true. But other times, it feels like he is just overly critical of my family. And I feel like this is a reflection on me. How can I get him to understand what he is doing and why it must stop? When I talk to him about this, he acts like he doesn’t understand and says that he’s not talking about or being critical of me personally.”

It’s likely that your husband does not understand that hearing him talk poorly of your family makes you feel like it is also a criticism of you. But I completely understand it. Since you are a product of that environment and that upbringing, when he is openly judgmental of the same, it feels as if he is rejecting or judging you.  Or it feels like, deep down, he thinks that you are a little inferior also. And this hurts.

I understand what you are feeling. And I do not think that you are overreaching. I have heard specialists talk about this dynamic. It happens all of the time to children of divorce. When the two parents are bad mouthing one another in front of the kids, the parents do not understand why the kids find the conversation so upsetting since no one is talking about the children themselves. The reason is that when someone criticizes part of what makes us whole, then it sounds critical of us. When a parent says “your father is a no good loser,” then of course you’re going to feel badly because half of your DNA comes from that “no good loser.”

The same is true of your extended family. If your husband was to say: “I can’t believe your parents are still renting. Are they too stupid to understand building equity is part of being adults?” then it’s understandable that you would feel a bit less than when you are the product of those parents.  You might wonder if he thinks that you are at least a little stupid also.

However, with this said, this doesn’t mean that your husband is a bad guy. He just may not understand why this hurts you. So, consider trying something like: “I know that we’ve talked about this before, but maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of expressing myself. And I’d like to do that now. When you’re critical of my parents and my family, it hurts me deeply. I know that I’ve been critical too, but I’m going to stop that. Because putting them down feels like I’m being put down too. This may not make sense to you, but trust me on this. You don’t come from the same background.  And while I’m proud of my accomplishments, I can’t deny that this is my family. This is where I come from. And when you knock that, it feels like you are knocking me. So I am asking you to not be so critical anymore because when you do, it hurts me, whether this makes sense to you or not. I’m asking you to do this because I know that you love me and that you don’t want to do anything to hurt me.”

This will make sense to most people and I’d suspect that your happiness is more important to your husband than being able to express any negative opinions that he might have. Hold up your end of the bargain and don’t participate in your own criticisms. And know that you may have to remind him a couple of times because old habits can take some time to break.

As I alluded to, your husband probably isn’t intentionally being cruel or trying to hurt you.  He likely doesn’t understand why this upsets you in the way that he does.  It’s important to be clear about this.  I learned this the hard way in my own marriage.  I used to assume that my husband should just know what upset me and vice versa.  These incorrect assumptions lead to a separation.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When we are newlyweds, many of us romanticize becoming parents. We think that a child is going to be proof of our love for our spouse and so we naturally assume that being parents is going to bring us much closer together. We assume that new parenthood is going to be one of the happiest times in our lives, when we become a little family — cocooned in a world that only consists of us and those we love the most.

This is a wonderful idea. But it often is not entirely reality – at least in the beginning. When you are a newlywed, well- meaning family and friends will often warn you about the all-encompsassiong exhaustion and sense of isolation that can go hand in hand with having an infant in the house. But until you go through this yourself, you have no way to know what these people mean.

What many of us never expect is how we can feel so many contrasting feelings all at once after we get our infant home. Yes, we are overwhelmed with love for our spouse. Like never before, we feel like a team. We feel like a household. But at the same time, we are overwhelmed and exhausted. And as much as we might love our spouse, eventually these very dramatic changes in our life might have an effect on our relationships.  We are juggling so many things at once. Some might look around to realize that becoming a parent wasn’t as easy as was assumed and has even had some negative influences, which can elicit guilt and shame.

Someone might explain: “I am almost reluctant to say what I am about to say. I fear that this admission means that something is wrong with me. But having a child has actually hurt my marriage. And I don’t know what is wrong with us. Two of my neighbors have children that are just a little older than mine and both of these couples seem blissfully happy and so united that it’s not even funny. Don’t get me wrong. I have never loved my husband more. Not ever. I love my child more than I ever thought possible. But at the end of the day, when my husband comes home and wants to talk, or cuddle, or have sex, all I want to do is to thrust my child at him and have some time to myself. I don’t want anyone to touch me. I don’t want any conversation. I just want to retreat. The other day, I was looking at my husband when he didn’t know that I was. And I had a shocking realization. I realized that I just felt numb toward him now. I don’t feel numb toward my child. I look at my child and I light up. But I don’t necessarily feel that about my husband anymore and I’m so very concerned about that. He just seems like something that is too much work right now, even though I feel so ashamed to say that. What is wrong with me?”

I don’t think that you need to beat yourself up over this. Feeling overwhelmed when caring for an infant is a truth that people don’t always talk about, but it is not at all uncommon. People generally don’t talk about it because they are afraid that they will be perceived as a bad parent or a bad spouse. But if every one told the truth, then this issue wouldn’t be steeped in shame. I have had friends who have recounted the exact same thing to me – that they spend their entire days holding their infant so that when their spouse gets home, they don’t want yet another person touching them or needing something from them. One of my friends used to describe both her husband AND her baby as “sucking the life blood” out of her at times, even though she adored them both.  (Now that time has passed and she no longer has an infant, but a child that is more independent, she can look back at it objectively and realize that she was doing the best that she could at the time.)

If you have any opportunities to have some time for yourself or time just as a couple, I’d highly recommend that. Yes, there is no other time in your life where someone might need you as much as your infant needs you right now, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you don’t have much to give. You have to replenish the well so that you can take from it.

You might be tempted to hide this from others, but that is probably the last thing you should do. Mention it to your obstetrician, just to make sure that there isn’t a problem.  He may be able to offer you some treatment or advice that truly does help.   Hiding the issue doesn’t help.  Being honest and open while asking for help does.

And there is nothing wrong with sharing how you are feeling with your husband, being careful that it doesn’t sound critical. Of course, you don’t want to flat out tell him that his touch makes you numb because parenting a newborn is exhausting.

Instead, you might try: “people weren’t kidding when they said you had to experience this for yourself to see how overwhelming and exhausting it can be. I’m not complaining. I’m so grateful for our family. I am filled with love. I just had no idea that it would make me this exhausted and overwhelmed at times – while filling me with love at others.”

Being honest but deliberate allows your husband to see that you still love him and are still invested in your marriage, but are adjusting. And he may hear what you are saying and start helping you out more, which in turn may help with your response to him.

It’s very important that you at least try to take time out for your marriage. This is a skill that is going to be important throughout your married life. And not learning it can lead to disaster if you let it go for too long.  I learned this the hard way.  I put my marriage on the back burner when I had a some stressful things that needed my attention.  By the time I realized this, the damage was done and I ended up separated as a result.  That’s why you’re smart to notice what is going on and wanting to address it now.   You can read more about how I healed my marriage at risk at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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