Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of us struggle greatly in the beginning of our marital separation. Understandably, we are very distraught and we tend to live in our own world.  Or we might mope around our newly-quiet house, and isolate ourselves from those that care about us. This behavior is understandable. We are hurting. This “new normal” is a struggle. After a while, though, some of us get tired of living in this isolated way. It can take quite some time, but it can be normal to realize that your sitting and moping around isn’t changing or helping anything in terms of your marriage. So you vow to get out there and enjoy life again.

One way that people will try to do this is to create a bucket list. They’ll tell themselves that they are going to take advantage of this additional time on their hands and live their life. And frankly, this new realization can feel good. It can feel like you’re a flower finally popping your head out of the ground after a very long drought. But you might find that not all of your friends and family understands this. And because of the scrutiny, you may start to wonder if this is a good idea.

Someone might show this type of concern: “Honestly, I have put my life on hold for the last six months while my husband is trying to ‘find himself’ and ‘have his space.’ For the first several weeks, I did nothing but wait by the phone. Then, I tried to engage him and get him to meet with or talk to me regularly. He will sometimes go along with this, but other times he pulls back. I used to be someone who enjoyed life and lived it to its fullest, but during my separation, I became borderline-depressed. Some friends at work decided to go skydiving and begged me to come along. I did not want to come. But I could think of no good excuse. So I went. And I honestly have to say that this was the most fun that I’ve had in a while. It was honestly a blast and I was so invigorated and happy. I would like to do more of these types of things. I would like to do some traveling and maybe try new things. The problem is that some of my friends are telling me that this is a bad idea. They say that creating this ‘bucket list’ of mine is like giving up on my marriage. They say that my husband might think that I’ve gone crazy. Are they right?”

I guess it would depend on what’s on the bucket list. So long as you aren’t including getting involved with other men or destructive behavior and you are clear that you are still invested in your marriage while waiting, then I do not see the harm. I understand exactly how you feel because I too got tired of putting my life on hold during my separation. I lived this way for a very long time and I was VERY committed to saving my marriage. But even I got tired of being so lonely and depressed.

I did not make a bucket list per se. But I did vow to get myself out there and start living my life again. My activities were not nearly as exciting as skydiving. I took some classes about topics that had always interested me. I took up yoga and Pilates. I tried meditation. I did crafts that I could donate to the needy. I was present for friends who needed me. And yes, I made plenty of time for fun. And although I went out with friends, I was very careful that it was clear that I was not dating again. I still maintained contact with my husband. I just wasn’t waiting around.

Frankly, this shift actually benefited my marriage because I think it forced my husband to look at me (and the situation) differently. It became obvious that I was no longer moping around waiting for his call. I never, ever insinuated that I wanted to or would find someone else. And I doubt his thought process ever went there, but it was clear that I was no longer willing to be in limbo. I was never disrespectful about this. And it was always clear that, if I had my way, we would be married and happy. But I wasn’t going to put a stop to my life because of someone else’s whims.

I think that’s what’s really important – whether you make a bucket list or not – is to just start living your life. You are making a decision to not pause what you enjoy or to put off what is important to you simply because your marriage looks a little different. Frankly, we all are more than our marriage. There are other aspects of our life that we can give attention. This doesn’t mean that we don’t want our marriage. But it does mean that we want ourselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There’s more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives try to follow their husband’s lead or attempt to read their husband’s cues when he has moved out and they are separated.  Many wives figure that if they can just provide their husband with what he wants during this very short time, he will eventually return home. That is the goal, anyway.

But sometimes, it’s incredibly hard to figure out what he really wants.  His words may say one thing, but his actions say quite another.  One day he may be receptive to you, but you might act no different the next day and find that he is not so receptive anymore.  You haven’t changed anything, but suddenly what used to work is no longer effective.  It can be a huge challenge to figure out what he actually wants from you or from this separation.

A wife might have a complaint like this one: “when my husband told me that he was moving out, he indicated that he just felt like he needed to focus on himself.  I asked him how much he wanted to be in contact, and he said maybe once or twice a week because, again, he wanted this to be about him and his self exploration so he could find himself again.  This was very hard for me.  I am used to talking to or seeing my husband every single day.  But I tried to respect his wishes and I limited myself to calling him a couple of times per week.  I thought that he would appreciate my respecting what he wanted.  It doesn’t seem that way, though.  Sometimes when I call him, he will indicate that things have happened that I’ve missed, and he insinuates that I don’t care enough to find out what’s happening with him.  So after this, I’ll start to call more, but sometimes he is not happy with that either and acts like he needs more space.  Some days, he seems to want my attention and affection and other days, he acts offended that I would even overstep the boundaries that he has already laid out. I really don’t understand what he wants from me.  I’m trying really hard to follow along and act in the way he wants.  But his cues are sometimes very contradictory. What does a man who has moved out for a separation really want?”

Why His Wishes Can Be A Moving Target: This can be very hard to quantify because, as you have seen, what a man says he wants and what he actually wants on any given day can be two different things. When my husband and I were separated, I used to be fond of saying that he clearly didn’t know what he wanted.  I used to say that in a somewhat sarcastic way. But looking back now, I still think that this was true.  And I think that this is typical of many people who initiate a separation – and not just husbands.

Why?  Because people don’t always have very specific reasons for their separation and they also don’t have very specific goals during it. No, the reasoning is often very vague.  They only know that they feel restless or “off.”  So they are hoping that the separation makes them feel better instead of worse.  This is sometimes the only goal or criteria that they have.

Often, they think that space or alone time is going to be the thing that makes them feel better.  And so you go along with that. But then, they find that the space just isn’t providing the relief that they had hoped.  And so, without communicating this to you, they suddenly want more contact, since the space isn’t cutting it. This creates conflict that no one deserves.

So then, many of us again try to follow along.  We throw more contact his way, thinking that we are providing what he wants.  But he isn’t always receptive to this, either.  Why?  Because for whatever reason, he isn’t just magically feeling better like he had hoped.  And he’s actually frustrated with THAT lack, but he sometimes confuses things and takes his frustration out on us.

Why This Is A Frustrating Battle.  (It May Be About Him Instead Of Being About The Marriage🙂  As I’ve already alluded to, I learned from unfortunate experience that you are often chasing something that you can’t catch.  Your husband is expecting a break from the marriage or a change to make him happy.  But it often doesn’t happen because he is looking for happiness and relief in the WRONG place.  He has to find happiness from within or to make changes within himself.   But he’s making EXTERNAL changes when he should be making INTERNAL changes.  Of course, you can’t tell him this or he will get defensive and think that you are trying to shift the blame.

Where To Go From Here: Obviously, this is a very tricky situation and it can begin to feel like you just can’t win.  If possible, I would put some of the burden of contact on him.  He is the one best suited to determine how much contact he wants or needs at any given time, especially since it seems to change by the day. So the next time you talk and he indicates that you missed something, you might try: “I’m sorry to hear that.  It seems like we keep getting our wires crossed.  I was trying to be so careful and respectful to give you the space that you requested, but sometimes it seems like this is the wrong thing to do.  It might be easier if you just contact me when you want to share something.  You know that I’d love to hear from you any time.  You can call me whenever you have something to tell me. That way, you have control over how much and how often we connect, you’re getting more of what you want, and I don’t have to guess as to what you want or need.  You know that I’m only trying to do what I’ve been asked.  But sometimes, I suppose I misread the cues.  Can we try that?”

Now, we both know that you haven’t been misreading the cues, but you’re giving him an out here and framing this situation more kindly might increase the chance that he will take on some of this communication burden.

I know that this is very frustrating, but it is not uncommon.  Men can begin the separation sure that they want one thing.  But when that thing doesn’t make them happy, they change course over and over again until they realize that the changes need to come from within.

That’s not to say that you can’t or shouldn’t make any changes in your marriage that are needed.  Often, separated husbands are looking for very specific changes to you or the marriage.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t have self work to do also, although it can take them some time to realize it.

My husband and I both ended up doing some self work during our separation and I really think this transformed our marriage.  Yes, our actual marriage DID have issues.  But we were also both depending on the marriage to make us happy.  And we both learned that we are both responsible for our own individual happiness.  This made a huge difference and took off tons of pressure.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s very normal to take one simple truth – that you and your spouse are separating – and turn it into several dire “what ifs.”  For most of us, a separation is difficult enough to process.  Even if we were able to limit our thoughts to our immediate reality and what is directly in front of us, those few thoughts are more than enough to ponder.

Unfortunately, it is just human nature that most of us are going to not limit ourselves to thoughts of the separation only.  No, we are going to let our minds wander.  We may start to think of our husband seeing someone else.  Or worse, we start to concede our children being raised by a step-parent.  If our thoughts were reality, we’d have ourselves divorced in no time, at least that was the case with me.  My mind always went to the worst case scenario.

Many people worry a great deal about their spouse dating others – even when the separation is brand new.  In fact, that is the first course of business that many want to address.  Some of us will almost immediately ask for reassurance that our separated spouse is not going to date others.  Sometimes, when our husband won’t give this reassurance, we tend to get very upset and make assumptions.

For example, a wife might say: “my husband has decided that we should separate.  He moved out this weekend.  I’ve been bugging him to try to determine how all of this is going to work, but he hasn’t given me many details.  I am not sure why.  I’ve asked him how often we will talk and see each other and he says that it is impossible to predict that.  I’ve asked him if he’s going to see other women and he says that his mind isn’t even on that and he can’t possibly see into the future. I couldn’t accept that, so I said ‘so it’s possible in the future that you might date?’ His response to me was that anything is possible, but he has no immediate plans for anything other than keeping to himself.  I can’t even fathom that this is happening.  How am I supposed to accept and be okay with the fact that my husband might date other people?”

Why It Can Be Very Wrong To Make Assumptions: I know exactly how you feel.  Your worst fear right now was also mine.  I know that things seems dire.  But my husband and I eventually reconciled (although we did have a difficult separation.)  And I do know some people who saved their marriages even when BOTH people casually dated while separated.  So, even if your worst case scenario comes true and your husband does date, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you will end up divorced.  Sometimes, a man eventually realizes that NO woman compares to his wife.

Frankly, I don’t think that anyone can expect you to be “okay” with your separated spouse dating others. That would simply be too much to ask.  I hear from a lot of separated spouses who have dealt with this issue and I can’t think of many who are okay with (or enthusiastic about) the idea of their spouse seeing someone else.  Many try to prevent it.  Others come to the conclusion that they can not control what their spouse does – which leads me to my next point.

Understanding Your Options: While I was separated, I came to a difficult truth.  You really can not control what another adult does.  In terms of your spouse seeing other people, you really have to think long and hard about your options and about how those options might affect your later ability to reconcile.  When I was facing this, I seriously considered telling my husband that if he saw other people, I would see this as cheating and would divorce him. But if I was being honest, divorce was the very last thing that I wanted.  So this strategy would have been a very bad bluff. And honestly, he was probably pretty close to divorcing me already.  So I was really in no position to make threats.

I decided that, while I could not control what my husband thought or did during our separation, I could try to maintain a positive relationship between us. I could try to spend quality time with him, and I could hope that this would discourage him from seeing others.  Was this ideal?  No.  Did it leave much to chance?  Yes. Did I lose a lot of sleep over it?  Especially at first?  Of course I did.  But the alternative was to throw a fit or cause some drama at a time when I already knew that I was walking on thin ice.  So I tried to make our relationship as good as it could be and I made it very clear that I was not going to date and I hoped that he wouldn’t, either.  It felt very insufficient and it was heartbreaking at times.

But, even with the luxury of hindsight, I don’t think that I had another choice.  Had I given ultimatums, it might actually have pushed my husband to date.  At the very least, it would have made him avoid me more than he already was.  I wanted to maintain at least some relationship and I wanted him to feel that he didn’t need to hide things or to sneak around.  So I figured my best bet was to try to keep things cordial and to trust that he would use good judgment. That was, (at least in my view at the time,) the best that could be made of a difficult situation.

Luckily, my worst fears never came to pass.  And this is sometimes the case.  Of course, we assume these things when we are first separated.  This is just human nature and it’s normal to be afraid.  But sometimes, our fears are unfounded and we are able to save our marriages. You don’t have to feel badly that you’re not okay with your separated spouse dating someone else.  Very few people are okay with that.  But you don’t always know what is going to happen.  And you can do your best to prevent it in a positive way.  You can read more about how I was ultimately able to accomplish this (after many mistakes) on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Wives who are in the unfortunate situation of having a husband leave during a midlife crisis can become extremely observant – always searching for clues as to what their husband might be thinking or what the future might bring.  Most of us can certainly understand this detective-like behavior.  After all, the constant searching and analyzing is an attempt to gain control at a time when it feels as though you have no real control.  In a sense, you are at the mercy of your husband’s whims.  It can feel as if he is rejecting his old life while you are desperately trying to hold onto it.

It’s no wonder that you’re always looking for clues that might give you some hope that things might one day be OK.  This is completely normal and understandable. And no one can blame you for it.  I certainly did the same and know countless other women who have also.  One example of this is questioning what it means if your husband leaves behind cherished personal items or clothing.  Does this mean that his leaving is only temporary?  Does this mean that he is going to snap out of his midlife crisis?

Someone might ask: “my husband left our home about two weeks ago.  I had been bracing myself for this because I knew that it was coming.  My husband started having a midlife crisis about eight months ago.  Out of the blue, he started acting weird and different.  Nothing that I could do would make him happy.  He was restless, always questionning everything, and he even considered quitting his job, and leaving the country to travel the globe.  To my knowledge, he is still considering this.  His sister said he’s been researching destinations, although he has not given notice at his job.  I know that this is going to sound pathetic, but I take solace in the fact that my husband has never bothered to collect his personal belongings.  I mean his clothing, of course.  But also things that he inherited from male family members that are very precious to him.  A couple of years back, he tried to write a novel.  That manuscript is still in this house.  I just have to think that if he planned to eventually divorce me and to never come back, he would have taken these things with him.  But when I discuss this with his sister, she tells me that I am overthinking it.  She says that he’s bought a whole new wardrobe anyway and that maybe he intends to come back for his personal items later or maybe they just aren’t that important to him.  Is she right?   Can it be a good sign when a midlife-crisis-husband leaves clothing and other personal items?”

I can’t really say if she’s right.  I can tell you that, at least for me, treasured family heirlooms are certainly not something that I myself would leave behind indefinitely.  There are quilts from family members that have passed away that I would probably take with me if I were going to be gone for any length of time. They are simply that important to me. Of course, everyone is different.  But I can’t imagine intending to leave these items for months or years.

That said, people sometimes are not thinking all that clearly when they are having a midlife crisis (as you have already seen.)  A man who is willing to leave his job and (even his country) behind may not blink an eye at the personal items.

However, it seems pretty clear that by leaving the items behind, the door is at least open to him one day coming back (and who knows for how long) to retrieve them or to stay.  There may not be any way to predict that at this time, unfortunately.  I know how frustrating this is.  I went through something similar with my husband.  And after waiting, trying to pressure him, trying to guilt him, and trying various tactics that got me nowhere, I decided that it was silly to just wait in such torment.  It eventually became obvious that my husband was not going to be swayed or rushed. Nor was he going to be persuaded to snap out of whatever he was going through and act in the way that I wanted him to.

So I figured I had a choice.  I could continue to live my life in limbo, just waiting for my husband to come to a decision.  I could continue to bug him and hurt my marriage even more.  Or I could just live my life as best as I could, with the knowledge that one day he would come to a decision.  I knew that I couldn’t control the decision either way, so  it was best for me to take care of myself and continue on as best as I could.  Make no mistake. I was still very much invested in my marriage.  I still wanted my husband to come to his senses.  But I couldn’t MAKE him do that.  So I controlled what I could – myself. This shift made life more bearable and I strongly feel that it was a big factor in my marriage ultimately being saved.  Once my husband saw that I respected myself enough to move forward anyway, his attitude and receptiveness toward me changed.

I guess that the point I’m trying to make is this:  It certainly isn’t a bad sign that your husband left his personal belongings.  It may be a good sign.  But since he’s not talking, you can’t know that yet.  You can’t control this.  What you can control is yourself.  It’s wonderful to have hope and to believe that eventually things will turn around (and I’m proof that they can.)  But there’s also no reason to put yourself on hold while you are waiting.  You can still hold out hope while living your life. I know first hand that this is a hard concept.  I came to this concept kicking and screaming at first.  But it changed everything.  You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: year or so and have gotten nowhere, so now we can just communicate through our attorneys. This is awful because I really do want to save my marriage. I really did have every intention of going to counseling. But I don’t see how this is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. Why does he hate the idea of talking to me so much? Does he think that I might change his mind or something? How can I force him to talk to me?”

Why He Might Be Tight-Lipped: I supposed that he might be uncomfortable with the idea that you might TRY to change his mind. But he may be also telling you the truth when he says that he believes that there is little to talk about – at least for now. This is a very common reaction when the divorce filing is so fresh. People often struggle for a while while trying to come to this decision. They may wonder if it is the right decision or if it is the right time. So, when they finally make the decision, they may not want to discuss or debate it because doing so is just going to rehash the internal debate that they have already had. And yes, he may be afraid or concerned that you are going to try to sway him, but there is a long time between today and the time period that any divorce is likely to be finalized. You don’t need to have this conversation

You would think that when one spouse wants to divorce another, there would be plenty to talk about. After all, a divorce completely changes the lives of the two spouses. But it also can drastically change the life of the couple’s children, parents, and other extended family members. It is not a decision that many people take lightly.  In fact many people assume that it is not pursued until the couple has discussed it until there is just nothing left to talk about and there are no other words to say.

This isn’t always the case, though. Sometimes, you have a spouse who files for divorce and then totally and completely clams up. He won’t offer advance warning and when the other spouse tries to talk to him about this, he will avoid any conversation. Needless to say, many people just do not understand this or know how to respond.

For example, someone might say: “I can not say that I am completely blown away and shocked that my husband filed for divorce. I knew that it was a possibility. We have been having problems for about eighteen months. We have trust issues, financial issues, compatibility issues, and the list goes on and on. So I was fully aware that we might end up separated, at least for a while. But I did not anticipate that I would be facing a divorce. For the most part, my husband and I have tried to tackle our problems on our own. We have not sought professional help. So I figured that would be in the cards before my husband filed for divorce. Well, he filed anyway. He had me served at my work and when I try to call him to talk about this, he will not pick up. I actually went by his office and he had his receptionist tell me that he was busy. I’ve tried texting and leaving messages and I get nothing in return. I finally emailed him and asked if he just had no plans at all to discuss this. He finally wrote back saying that he felt that there was nothing to discuss. He said we’ve been talking for a year or so and have gotten nowhere, so now we can just communicate through our attorneys. This is awful because I really do want to save my marriage. I really did have every intention of going to counseling. But I don’t see how this is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. Why does he hate the idea of talking to me so much? Does he think that I might change his mind or something? How can I force him to talk to me?”

Why He Might Be Tight-Lipped: I suppose that he might be uncomfortable with the idea that you might TRY to change his mind. But he may be also telling you the truth when he says that he believes that there is little to talk about – at least for now. This is a very common reaction when the divorce filing is so fresh. People often struggle for some time while trying to come to this decision. They may wonder if it is the right decision or if it is the right time. So, when they finally make the decision, they may not want to discuss or debate it because doing so is just going to rehash the internal debate that they have already had. And yes, he may be afraid or concerned that you are going to try to sway him, but there is a long time between today and the time period that any divorce is likely to be finalized. You don’t need to have this conversation right this minute.    That’s why I’d suggest letting things calm down a bit first.

Forcing The Conversation: As for how to force him to talk to you, in my experience trying to force anything on him right now is likely the worst strategy that you could possibly take. From my own experience during my own separation, the more you try to push anything on a reluctant, disconnected husband, the more you are going to regret it. In my own case, my husband was either likely to ignore me, to avoid me, or eventually, to push back.

None of these things got me closer to what I really wanted – which was to get my husband and my marriage back. In fact, they got me further away from these things because my husband was just getting increasingly annoyed with me and my pushing. So I had to step back, work on myself, try to work with what I had, and, to an extent, wait on him to come to me.

Yes, this was scary and it felt like a delay. But frankly, I didn’t have a choice. My husband was not going to be forced into anything. And the more I tried, the worse things got. Right now, your divorce talk is very fresh. Some counties require couples who are considering divorce to get counseling or meditation. If so, then you will obviously have to communicate then. Maybe couples actually say this was a stepping stone to them reconnecting.

Also, you have gotten some response with the emails, so you might want to stick to that – although you may want to use it sparingly so that it doesn’t lose its effectiveness. The point I’m trying to make is that it might be doubtful and unrealistic for your husband to think that you two won’t communicate anymore. You likely will. But right now, because everything is so fresh, he’s withdrawing and doesn’t want a lot of debate. This is normal and understandable. But it doesn’t mean that this is the way that it will always be. With that in mind, you need to set the groundwork for the future, and trying to “force” him to communicate is probably not the best way to do it.

I only say this from experience.  Forcing doesn’t work.   But taking a step back often well.  At least this was the case with me.  Guilting, pressuring, and forcing only made things worse.  Stepping back and working with what I had was the only way that I gained any ground.  You can read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  In your married life, there are probably very few times when you are watching your husband’s behavior like you may be when he tells you that he wants a divorce (and then seems to be wavering on this.)  This can be especially true if you are still invested in your marriage.   It would be one thing if he would announce the divorce, file for it, and then move out so that his intentions were very clear.  But this is not always the case.  Some husbands make the announcement, do nothing, or then even appear to change this minds.  This leaves the wife very confused about what her husband is thinking, what might happen in the future, and how she should respond moving forward.

She might explain: “three months ago, my husband told me he wanted a divorce.  I had no doubt about his sincerity.  We have been unhappy for quite some time, (although I was really hoping that we could work things out.) However, I expected him to take a relatively slow pace because our finances are so tricky right now.  I honestly think that our finances are one reason why it took him so long to decide on a divorce.  Having two houses to support is going to be difficult.  So I honestly did not expect for him to move out right away.  And he didn’t.  I basically tried to get along with him as best as I could and I just waited for the day to come when he either told me that he was moving out or when he presented me with divorce papers.  Last week, my mother very unexpectedly invited me to take an international trip next year.  She said it was her gift to me.  She also invited my husband. Although I didn’t tell her about the divorce at the time, I assumed that I would be going alone.  When I mentioned this to my husband, he acted excited about the trip.  I told him that I assumed that the two of us would be divorced by then, so that he wouldn’t be accompanying me.  His response was ‘oh, I’ve changed my mind about the divorce.  Why do you think I haven’t mentioned it in months?’  I am shocked.  I thought he hadn’t mentioned it because of money.  I had no idea that he had changed his mind and I’m a little unsure about this.  Why would a man suddenly not want a divorce anymore?”

The person best poised to explain your husband’s reasoning is your husband himself.  But if he’s either not willing or able to explain, I certainly have some theories, which I will discuss below.

He May Have Realized That A Divorce Will Not Solve His Problems:  When you are dealing with a high level of stress or a crisis situation, you can sometimes fantasize that a divorce is going to be just the thing that you need to escape the harsh reality of your life.  You might tell yourself that if you can just cast off your tired, old marriage which is holding you back, then you might finally be free to start a new, and better, life.

But then, the reality of life hits you.  Much of the time, as soon as someone actually goes and looks at apartments or talks to a divorce lawyer, the whole thing suddenly becomes very real.  And the person seeking the divorce may realize that divorcing their spouse isn’t going to fix what is missing from their lives or what is broken inside of them.

In this particular case, your husband might have realized that a divorce would only increase the financial stress in his life rather than relieve it.  He may have realized that in actuality, the marriage can be a release from the financial stress rather than the cause of it.

He May Have Seen Positive And Encouraging Changes:  The wife mentioned that during the last three months, she had made a conscious effort to get along with her husband in a more positive way.  This may have mattered a great deal to her husband and he may be encouraged to see that, with a little effort, they are able to interact in a new, more pleasing way.  Sometimes that is all it takes.  Often, a husband wants a divorce only when he starts to believe that things are never going to change.  When he sees that they he may, in fact, have been wrong about that, then he’s willing to change his tune regarding the divorce.

He May Have Been Blowing Smoke About The Divorce All Along:  Some husbands mention the D word because they know that it is going to get the most impact and be the most likely thing that will get your attention.  Deep down, they don’t really want a divorce, even though they themselves may not even realize it at the time.  So when you give them what they want – more attention to whatever problem they are trying to solve, – then there is no longer any reason to blow smoke about the divorce.

However, I can’t stress enough that once a husband mentions the D word, it is always in your best interest to pay very close attention and to take whatever precautions and actions that are necessary. I say this because I didn’t take these precautions.  I hoped that things would blow over.  But my inability to act almost meant that I got divorced.  I eventually saved my marriage, but not without a lot of heartache first.  You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some of us who have husbands who are unhappy in our marriages are somewhat lucky.  That may sound like a contradiction in terms.  But with unhappy husbands, it can go one of two ways.  You either have a husband who decides that he will work on the marriage or that he will not.  Even if the husband who agrees to work on the marriage is reluctant about it, at least you have his agreement. Many husbands take a while to determine which side of the fence that they are on.

Being separated is no fun in either case.  But at least if your husband is willing to work on the marriage, there is hope that this is only a temporary situation. Unfortunately, some husbands choose to work on the marriage in unorthodox ways.  Some will determine that they need to move out or date other people in order to see how they truly feel about their marriages.

Here’s a typical scenario.  A wife might say: “To be fair, I have known for the last year that my husband has been unhappy and hasn’t  been fully committed to our marriage.  And all along, I have been on a crusade to get him to commit to working on things between us.  We have been together for so long and have been through so much, that I feel like if we just put our heads together, we can work this out.    Last week he came to me and announced that he has decided that he will agree to work on our marriage, but of course, there is one catch.  Imagine my shock when he announced that he would be moving out.  I asked him how in the world is moving out working on our marriage?  He said that he feels that he needs to move out in order to get perspective and in order to ‘see where we stand.’  I find this absolutely ridiculous.  To me, working on your marriage, is having the maturity to stay put, get down to work, and bond closer together.  He obviously sees things completely differently and feels that it’s fine to run away in order to gain perspective.  I am unsure of his motivations and in his sincerity.  I feel like he’s trying to ease me into a divorce, and quite frankly, he probably has no intention of working on our marriage at all.  So far, he’s found an apartment and asked me to consider a schedule for us to talk and to get together while we are living apart, but I don’t trust any of this.”

I can certainly understand your hesitation. Moving out as a way to try to save your marriage is not the way that every couple will attempt to do it.  This is seen as a sort of unconventional approach.  But some people do try it.  And in some cases, it works.  Many couples will tell you that they needed some distance in order to change their perspective.  Often, living under the same roof creates some conflict and some problems with objectively and in evaluating the situation when you are so close to it.

Granted, moving out can seem a little over the top and hard core, but some folks believe that this is what needs to happen.  And this does not always mean that you are going to eventually get a divorce.

My husband moved out and, even worse, he made no claims about being committed to saving the marriage, unlike the case here.  Nor would my husband make any promises about regularly talking to or seeing one another.  I know that your husband moving out is not a fun idea and an even worse reality.  But the fact that your husband is making an effort to put a plan in place is a good sign.  I know that you would rather he not move out, (and you can certainly try to convince him that you would give him his own space in your home if he will stay put.) This compromise sometimes works.

But if he still refuses and insists on getting his own space for a while, sometimes you have to just work with what you have.  Sometimes you have to make lemonade out of lemons.  There are times when the space and distance actually end up working for you when you finally stop fighting against them and just ease into it.  I never believed that this was possible in my own case, but once I decided to stop fighting the separation and to start just trying to make things less dramatic and more cooperative, things changed for the better.

I tended to panic and react badly in the early stages of my separation.  This actually made a divorce, my absolute worst fear, more likely.  It wasn’t until I was faced with that reality that I decided to back away a little and to work on myself to determine what I truly wanted and who I really was as an individual.  This shift was welcome by my husband because it took off some of the pressure, and it was the start of a turning point in our marriage.

The point I’m trying to make is that it is possible to work on your marriage while living under different roofs.  It is scary at times and it can feel as if it is not the ideal.  But many couples look back on it as merely a temporary rough patch because when it is over, they are still very much together and they have weathered the storm.  This was certainly true in my own case. You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Most of us marry our husbands thinking that he is “the one.”  Very few of us get married with any back up plan in mind.  We simply assume that our marriage is going to be a happy one and, therefore, will be our last.  We assume that if we are lucky, we will remain happily married for the rest of our lives so that we do not have to make any contingencies – at least as far as our personal life goes.

But of course, we all know that life does not always turn out how we planned. Sometimes, our husband tells us that he is not as happy as we are and that he wants to change the face of our marriage.  Sometimes this includes a separation or break in the marriage.  To say that this shakes your life to its core is a drastic understatement.  Not to sound overly dramatic, but a marital separation can make you question your life and your place in the world.  Nothing seems the same after this reality hits you.

Someone might explain it this way: “I am so lost since my husband told me that he is leaving.  I had to kiss a whole lot of frogs before I got to my prince.  Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with a noncommittal man for five years.  I thought this man was the one, but I had no idea how destructive that relationship was until I met my husband.  I had never been in a healthy relationship before and it was like a breath of fresh air.  I had no idea what it was like to truly be with ‘the one’ before I met my husband.  We’ve had several wonderful years.  We have been happy.  But then we had some back luck strike us and we were challenged like never before.  This taxed our marriage and I don’t think we ever recovered.  I just tried to have faith in our love, but apparently, this is not enough.  Last night, my husband informed me that he’s going to stay away for a while because he thinks that we need a break.  He did not specify where he would be or for how long he would be gone.  I am so despondent over this.  I feel like I am going to lose the love of my life and I am not sure how I will handle that.  I was so relieved that I finally got a chance at true love.  But now I have lost it.  I feel like I’ve done something wrong, but I’m not sure what.”

Your feelings are completely normal.  After my husband left me, I most definitely went through a grieving process.  I felt like life as I knew it was over.  And for a while, it sort of was.  But after a while, you realize that the sun still rises and sets and that the world outside of your window keeps spinning and so you have to go on.

Plus, a husband leaving doesn’t necessarily mean a divorce. I know that it seems that way at the time.  But many times, the husband eventually changes his mind or the couple are able to work it out.  I don’t think that you have to automatically assume that just because he has asked for a break, it means that he is going to be gone forever.  I know that it FEELS that way, but it doesn’t have to be the reality.

Sometimes, the time apart actually does work for you.  Or, even if it doesn’t, you are able to work through the issues so that you are able to eventually salvage your marriage.  In this case, your husband may well be reacting to the stress that has plagued your lives and your marriage for some time.  In many cases, stressors have a way of eventually being worked out.  If that is the case, there is every chance that your marriage can recover.

This is not the time to give up or to assume that you have lost the man who you know is “the one” at the first sign of trouble.  Believe me, I know how difficult this situation is and how easy it is to be discouraged.  I am generally a positive person, but after my husband left and during my separation, I did feel very depressed at times.  I had to be very mindful about putting one foot in front of the other and to keep up with other things that were important to me.  I got very down some of the time.  And I was tempted to give up at times, especially since my husband did not seem invested in our marriage anymore.

But today, I’m very glad I stuck it out because like you, I knew that my husband was the one.  By no means am I saying that every marriage that has to endure a separation can be saved.  Not all can.  But many can.  And there is no reason to assume that your marriage won’t be one of these.  Yes, you may have to have patience.  And you may have to work hard to save your marriage or get some counseling or self help.  But all of these things are doable. None of them are impossible.  If he is the one, isn’t he worth fighting for?

I never regretted fighting for my husband and for my marriage.  It was not easy, but it was the right call. You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who hate the conflict that has cropped up in their marriage.  Sometimes, this conflict comes because their husband is exhibiting repeat, troublesome behaviors that cause problems.  Perhaps they have tried confronting him about these behaviors.  Perhaps they have tried to convince him that he needs to change without any success.  Whatever the reason, the wives have been unsuccessful.  So, they try a new strategy. They figure that perhaps if they just ignore him, he will get the hint and eventually change his behavior.

Someone might ask a question like this one: “my husband is becoming a worse and worse spouse with every passing year.  He went from being merely inattentive to sometimes being very cold.  He dismisses me a lot of the time.  At first, he would just forget things that were important to me.  I chalked it up to him being stressed or just forgetful.  But then he started being dismissive.  And then sarcastic and mean. I’ve tried to call him on this, but he gets angry, defensive, and he starts an argument.  This may sound odd, but I had some behavioral issues with my child.  I took him to a behavioral specialist.  The doctor told me that I should just ignore the most troublesome behavior.  Specially, my son would throw tantrums and act out.  The specialist told me to just act as if my son wasn’t doing what I didn’t want him to do and only address good behavior (assuming that the behavior wasn’t truly dangerous or serious.)  I thought that this was crazy at first.  And I thought that I was wasting my money on this guy. Well, honestly, the ignoring strategy worked.  My son eventually tapered down on the bad behavior. And now I am wondering if I should try the same strategy with my husband.  If I just ignore his slights and his somewhat insensitive behavior toward me, will he stop?  Would this be a good idea?”

Ask Yourself If You Have Already Used This Strategy: Before I answer that, I would question whether you haven’t used some form of this strategy already.  Frankly, most of us do this without even knowing it.  We see the writing on the wall, but we don’t want to accept it.  So we pretend that it doesn’t exist for a while, or we think that perhaps we are mistaken in our perceptions, or that we are asking too much.  What I mean by this is that, if you are typical of many wives, you have already used the ignore strategy, even if you didn’t mean to or didn’t realize that you were doing it.

The Difference Between Undesirable Behavior In Children And Adults: If you truly haven’t already done this, you can certainly try it out for a couple of weeks.  But in my opinion and experience, if you don’t address it, then it may reinforce in your husband that his behavior is acceptable.  This is different for children because they have not been alive long enough to understand acceptable behavior and what is expected.  They are naturally going to push the boundaries because they are hardwired to do so.  It is a natural part of growing up.

That’s not to say that adults do not push boundaries.  Adults most certainly do attempt to see what they can get away with.  That is part of human nature, too.  But adults are well aware of what is optimal behavior and what is not.  Behavior isn’t part of their development, which is why I’m not sure that ignoring the problem will work here.

That said, as you have already seen, when you dwell on the behavior or react in a negative way, your husband is going to respond with his own brand of negativity.  So you have to be careful about how you approach it.  I have always found that if you can address something positively (and with positive reinforcement) you will get better results.  This is true of both children and adults.  In this sense, you aren’t ignoring the behavior, but you are approaching it in another way.

A New Approach:  Here’s an example, if he forgets your anniversary, rather than getting very angry and lashing out, you might simply ask if he can believe that the two of you have been married this long and give him a hug.  Why would you do this? Because this strategy is much more likely to get you the reaction that you really want.  If you approach it in this way, it’s more likely that he is going to apologize profusely and follow this up by being more nice.

Sometimes, you have to hesitate with your actions and then ask yourself what you really want.  Most of us don’t want for anger to be matched with anger.  It’s natural for you to be angry and hurt.  But if you allow this to cloud how you approach him, you are likely to get anger and hurt mirrored right back at you, which truly doesn’t solve anything.

There is a difference between simply ignoring a behavior and trying to find a way to use a positive angle to address it.  In short, you want to make your husband WANT to do better.  You don’t want to guilt or force him into doing better simply because he’s trying to avoid an argument.  If the wish to do better comes from him, then he is much more likely to keep it up and it is much more likely to come from a genuine place.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.  I tried the negativity strategy with my husband and I ended up separated because of it.  Then, I tried to guilt and shame him into reconciling.  That didn’t work, either.  Using the more positive approach takes enthusiasm and finesse, but it often works much better.  And it is the reason that I was finally able to save my marriage. You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Early in your marriage, you often believe that this relationship is the most important thing in your life.  You safeguard it like the jewel that it is.  As time goes by, though, sometimes we begin to take our marriage for granted or it can begin to suffer.  Over time, there may be talk of a separation or of one spouse moving out.   Initially, we may not panic about this, especially when the talk amounts to nothing.

And a long amount of time may go by where nothing really changes. The marriage is still struggling and yet both spouses stay put – until one day one of the spouses announces that he is leaving.  And the other spouse may not have the reaction that she expected.  In fact, she may not feel anything at all.  She might explain: “for the last year and a half, my marriage has been somewhat awful.  I believe that my husband has been having a midlife crisis. Nothing I do is enough anymore.  He believes that being married limits him in some way.  For a while, he just complained about this while blowing a lot of hot air, but did nothing.  So we continued to fight and generally be unhappy. Then last night, he announced, with great dramatic flair, that he was leaving me.  He said that he had found an apartment and that he couldn’t take it anymore.  Well, maybe I can’t take it anymore either because much to my surprise, I do not even feel that upset about it and I really do not understand why.  I almost feel like I don’t care, but that can’t be right.  I know that I still love my husband.  I know that, ideally, I would like for it to work out.  But I don’t even know where to start.  Things have been bad for so long that I don’t know that there is any hope.  Why are my feelings so shut down like this?  I used to think that if my husband ever pursued a separation or divorce, I would be so terribly upset.  But I don’t appear to be.  Why?”

Well, there are a couple of possibilities. First, sometimes, it is hard to believe that this is actually happening.  You’ve stayed with the status quo for so long that you may be taking a sort of “I’ll believe it when I see it” stance, which would certainly be understandable.  This sort of reality can be very hard to wrap your brain around, until it actually happens.

Another possibility is that, like many people, you suspect that a break will be a relief.  When things deteriorate so much that there is really nothing but tension and fighting, then taking a break can definitely feel like a release of breath.  You may just want a pause in all of the drama.

Finally, the reality of it may not have hit you yet.  This is a big change and adjustment and, speaking from experience, you can’t really anticipate how it is going to feel until it actually happens.

I definitely learned that your feelings and perceptions change with the process.  One day, you may actually prefer being separated and think that you’ve actually improved your situation and the next day you might find that you miss your husband desperately and don’t want to be separated for even one more day.

Both perspectives are completely normal.  It is expected to have emotions that swing wildly.  I would doubt that you would go through the entire process not caring at all.  But you won’t know that until you take things one day at a time.

Since he hasn’t moved out quite yet, it’s very hard to predict how you are actually going to feel once he does.  But since he is still present, you may want to take advantage of that proximity in order to iron out some things.  I think that it can be vital to agree about how often (and by what means) you will communicate and see one another.  Of course, this needs to be a flexible agreement as issues come up.  But the reason that I suggest this is because it’s very common for couples to sort of drift during the separation.  And before you know it, you realize that you haven’t spoken to your spouse in a couple of weeks. And then one of both of your start to suspect that perhaps your spouse likes the single life or is seeing someone else.

It’s better to avoid these misunderstandings.  The more you can agree on now, the better.  What you are feeling is perfectly normal and it doesn’t necessarily need to mean that you’re headed toward divorce or are no longer invested in your marriage.  It may just mean that you need a break or don’t yet believe that this is happening.  From my own experience, your feelings may well change once he actually moves out or once you’ve been on your own for a little while.

Once the reality hit me that my husband was actually gone, I found that I cared very much.  In fact, I could think about very little else and I ended up making a pest of myself.   This made things much worse, so sometimes a little distance can be helpful.  It’s just important that you not become so distant that you never communicate.  I had a very big challenge getting my husband back once he left, but I was eventually successful.  You can read more on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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