Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s fair to say that when a husband leaves home and pursues a marital separation, the effects of this are far-reaching. This decision by a husband will often leave his wife struggling or devastated, but if there are children involved, then they can also be thrown off course. A marital separation affects everyone in the home and then some.

So yes, a wife can feel quite abandoned. But even worse, she can feel as if her child no longer has a father – at least temporarily. So part of any motivation in getting a husband home is to entice him to do his job – which is being a husband and father again.

A wife might say: “my husband left me about three weeks ago. We have a special-needs son and I admit that this makes our lives stressful sometimes. But you don’t see me bailing out on own family. My husband basically told me that he felt like he was suffocating at home and that he needed a break. I told him to take a vacation, but nothing would satisfy him except for moving out. He assured me that he would regularly come home and visit. Well, he hasn’t kept up his end of the deal. My son misses his father so much. And my son needs his father. So when we talk, I really stress the void that the separation has left, particularly with regards to my son. My husband basically says to tell my son that he loves and misses him and that he will be in touch soon. This is not acceptable. Once, I even took my son to my husband’s work in order to force my husband to be a father. But I could tell that my husband was embarrassed and he told me that his work place was not the appropriate place to hash out family matters. I regret taking my child to my husband’s job, but I didn’t know what else to do. I need my husband. My son needs his father. How else am I supposed to get him back home so he can be the husband and father that we deserve?”

Why You May Have To Tread Lightly: This can be a tricky situation. Because it’s very tempting to try to guilt him back into fulfilling his obligations. After all, (the thinking goes,) you fulfill yours. What gives him the right to think that he is any different? I understand these thoughts.  However, even though you are more than justified in your thinking, you really do have to evaluate any decisions on what is most likely to be effective. Why do I say this? Because if you try to guilt him and this strategy only backfires and makes him less likely to spend time with his son, then no matter how justified you might be, the plan has failed anyway.

It is human nature for people to want to stay away from the things that make them feel negative emotions like guilt, sadness, or confusion. Even though your husband should feel guilty for not making your son a priority (even through this trying and confusing time,) if you stress this guilt so much that seeing your son makes your husband feel even worse, he may start to avoid you and his son for a while, which makes your situation even worse. This is actually getting you further away from your goal – even though you would be very justified.

As counterintuitive as it may seem, sometimes you have to do things that makes everyone feel a little more comfortable, instead of less comfortable. Why? Because it encourages your husband to relax, to not feel as defensive, and to be open to spending more time with you. Once he becomes more open, you are free to capitalize on the time that you are able to spend together.  And as a result, he will be more likely to spend more time with his son.

Fears That You May Be Experiencing: I know that you are likely thinking exactly what I was thinking during my own separation – that if you back off then he will forget all about you and be free to do exactly what he wants. I completely understand that this “backing off” plan can seem risky and just not likely to work. But think about the alternative. Pushy and guilting has made things even worse.  If you stay down the same path, he may blatantly start to avoid you.

But if you back away – just a little – you may find that he actually comes to you with a new willingness that you haven’t seen before. That’s because since you’ve allowed him the time that he wanted, he’s no longer experiencing negative emotions like guilt, and he now knows that he can be confident that when he does reach out, you’re not going to try to make him feel bad.

I was extremely reluctant to back off with my own husband. But it became pretty obvious that I had no other choice. Much to my surprise, it actually ended up helping my situation. My husband eventually changed his tune and started pursuing me – even when, just a few weeks earlier, he had been avoiding me every chance he got.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I think that I can safely speak for many separated wives when I say that we can feel quite abandoned during our separation. Even if our husband sat us down, gave us fair warning, and tried to make sure that we were taken care of during the break, it can still feel like you were abandoned. As bad as that is, though, not all wives have the luxury of a husband who warns them or tries to remain involved throughout the separation.

Some husbands are very “hands off” during the time apart – so much so that it almost seems as if he has fallen off the face of the earth. So when he changes his stance or suddenly becomes interested again, a wife can be resentful and can be unsure about what to do.

She might say: “I know that the word ‘abandoned’ is a strong one. And my husband gets furious when I use it because he denies that he ever abandoned me, but I’m not sure what else I am supposed to call it. Basically about three days before he actually moved out, he told me how unhappy he was. And he frankly never said that he was going to leave me. He just eluded to being unhappy. Then I come home from work and find a note that basically says he needs some time. No one actually said the word ‘separation,’ but that is certainly what it was. I would try to call and he wouldn’t be all that willing to talk to me. I had a health scare and he wasn’t there for me. I tried so many different things to get him to respond to me or to get him interested in me again and he pretty much rejected me. This went on for what seemed like such a long time. And finally, some friends and family members gave me tough love and told me that I was wasting my life waiting on him. So I stopped. Well, guess what? Then he decides he wants to be a husband again. To be honest, this really angered me and I told him that it was too late. But now he is literally chasing me. He calls. He comes by my work. He asks me what he has to do to get me back. The great irony is that I would have killed for this kind of behavior before. I would have done anything for it. But now it’s almost insulting. And I don’t understand it. Why would he abandon me and now be trying to win me back?”

Some Possible Theories: I am not a man. I am a woman and wife who has gone through something very similar. But I’ve spent a lot of time researching this and examining my own husband’s, so I can and will certainly share my theories. As a bit of background, I can’t say that I was abandoned. There was some warning beforehand and although my husband was not all that glad to hear from me during our separation and tended to avoid me, I am certain that if there had been a crisis or emergency, he would have been reachable and available. Like many, I eventually tired of waiting and I started to life my live. But I was always clear that I was still committed to my marriage. I just sort of set the waiting aside. Sure enough, he eventually became interested again.

Was I annoyed that it took so long? Yes, but I’ll share some reasons why it did. Ultimately I decided that maintaining my marriage was more important to me than keeping score or my wounded pride, but that is what it came down to for me. Everyone is different.

Why A Husband May Be Unavailable During The Separation And Then Suddenly Want You Back: This is going to sound awful, but sometimes a separated husband will tell you that once he is on his own, he finally feels that he can breathe again. I know that sounds really bad. And I don’t mean to imply that you kept him on too short a leash (I know that I didn’t.) It’s just that when your marriage is struggling, it can weigh on you. And so having some time to yourself to not carry that around can feel, well, freeing. As I’ve learned from my husband’s perspective, you want to be able to just rest easy and enjoy it for a bit. Which is why when your wife calls or tries to initiate contact, you shrug her off. You tell yourself that this will only be for a little while, but then more time goes by than you thought and now she’s mad at you – which makes you not want to call even more. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. So you tell yourself that you’ll just give it a little more time. Until one day you wake up and you realize how long it has been and you see how much you miss her. And then you begin to question exactly what you were thinking and you start to panic because you realize that you just potentially made the worst mistake of your life.

That panic is why you often see your husband trying gallantly to win you back. He knows that he’s waited too long. He knows that what he did was wrong. And he knows that you are angry and hurt. But he wants the marriage back anyway.

I’m not defending him. I know how difficult this can be. I know how you feel. I’m just trying to give you some insight on his thought process. I know that you worry that your friends and family will think that you are a pushover if you take him back. But only you can decide which course of action is right for you. Ultimately, you might decide that it’s better to move on. And you might decide to give him another chance. But don’t decide simply because of what someone else thinks because it is not their marriage.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my similar situation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It would be wonderful if we were always on the same page with our marriage.  It would be nice if we would automatically know what our spouse needs and then be able to magically provide it, but this rarely happens.

One reason for this is that people don’t always indicate what they need or they resist any help when we offer it.  Also, most of us assume that our spouse can take care of himself and speak up if there is something that he needs help with.

So our spouse may be struggling in some way, but we don’t know the depth of it and so we take no action.  Times goes by and our spouse begins to think that we don’t show that we care, if we care at all.  In the meantime, we are completely unaware that anything is amiss.  Until one day, very hurt and frustrated, our spouse lashes out that we don’t care at all about them.  We assure them that we absolutely do care and they tell us that we never show it.

This can feel kind of like an attack or an ambush. Just how much hand-holding should a grown adult need?  Someone might verbalize it this way: “my husband was passed over for a promotion.  I want to make it clear that he did not lose his job.  He simply did not get a promotion that he wanted.  He acts as if this is the end of the world.  As soon as he found out, he seemed to look at life totally differently.  He stopped working out.  He stopped going to church.  I figured that it would pass.  I told him that I was there for him and asked if there was anything that I could do.  He said that there was really nothing that anyone could do and that he knew that he just had to get over it.  So I carried on with life, as anyone would do.  Now, my husband is telling me that I never show that I care about him because I did not go out of my way for him when he was passed over for the promotion. He feels that I’m more concerned about the kids than about him. Well, maybe so.  Because the kids are CHILDREN, who need emotional support.  He is an ADULT who is acting like a baby.  I basically reminded him that I asked what I could do for him and he told me nothing.  He said that regardless, I should have shown my support by doing extra special things for him.  Now he’s saying he doesn’t know if he wants to stay married because he feels that I am uncaring.  Honestly, I don’t want to separate or divorce, but I find all of this to be a bit ridiculous.  What in the world are you supposed to do for an adult who has just had his pride hurt a little? I want to tell him to grow up and be a man.  But I don’t want to end my marriage over something so stupid.”

I do understand your frustration.  But I think that you have to look at this on two levels – on the level of an individual and on the level of your marriage.  The individual might want to rebel and do nothing, but the marriage probably needs you to do something. I understand why you are frustrated as an individual.  You don’t understand why this one event seems to have knocked your husband off his own two feet.  But I can tell you that sometimes, especially in mid-life, events like this do tend to be the first in a series of changes that can change the course of your life or your marriage.  Your husband’s words might sound like complaining to you (and I can understand why,) but it helps greatly as you can see them as a plea for help.  Because that is what I believe that they are.

A Plea For Help And A Request To Pick Him Up When He’s Fallen Down: What he really wants is for you to build him up because he’s feeling bad about himself.  And men who have this state of mind are ripe for a midlife crisis – which is certainly not what you want because you’d see even more of this type of behavior.

I think that your best bet is to make an effort to just generally try to build him up and show him a little extra affection.  It is one thing to ask after the job and to tell him that you are there for him.  But it is another thing to SHOW him that you are there for him and to make him believe that the job doesn’t matter to you and it shouldn’t to him because the two of you can have each other, your family, your marriage, and a great life without it.

He likely wants to know that you are behind him and that you are not disappointed in him.  Yes, it may mean that you have to make a bit of an extra effort when it seems silly to do so.  But he seems to need it right now. And isn’t that what one spouse is supposed to do for another? Just to be there and to love them, even if you don’t fully understand why they need it?

Pretend That He Asked For What He Truly Wants: Yes, your husband made a poor choice of words when he said that you don’t show that you care because it sounds a bit like an accusation.  He SHOULD have said, “I’m feeling really bad right now and I need you.” If it helps, simply pretend that this is what he said and act accordingly.

I believe that although you may almost be justified in ignoring what seems like an immature request, you should respond anyway.  I ignored little complaints like this from my own husband, thinking that he was being petty.  But this led to our separation.  I would have given anything to turn back the clock and to have paid attention, but of course, it was too late for that.  I did eventually get my husband back, but things would have been so much easier if I had just listened and responded.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who ask me if they can give me their martial circumstances in order to get my opinion on whether or not their marriage can be saved. I hear of all sorts of situations – from a divorce being imminent, to a husband who is already involved with someone else, or infidelity so severe that the husband has had a baby with the other woman. And sometimes, one spouse is giving the other almost no hope at all that the marriage can ever be saved. It can get very discouraging and many people start to wonder if their marriage is just at the point where it can not be saved because it has reached the point of no return.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband has filed for divorce and it is set to be final at the end of next week. He insists that he has moved on and that he is dating a woman who he says he might be serious about one day. This rips my heart in two because I still very much want to save my marriage. But people who care about me tell me that I am stupid to hold out hope. They tell me to open my eyes because my marriage can not possibly be saved. When can a marriage not be saved? When has it reached the point of no return?”

I have to disclose that I might be the wrong person for the question, at least in the eyes of some, because I’m not very objective on this topic. I was so stubborn about giving up on my marriage that I know my friends were truly worried about me. But in the end, I did get my husband back. I have seen marriages be saved from the brink of and even after divorce. I’ve seen people get back together when they swore that hated one another worse than anyone else alive. I’ve seen the husband leave the other woman who he swore was “the one” once he finally came back to his senses and returned to his wife. So admittedly, there are very few marriages that I think can not be saved. But below, I’ll tell you when I think it’s very tough to save a marriage (and also when it’s next to impossible.)

It Can Be More Difficult To Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Is Indifferent, Emotionally Distant, Or Believes That They Have “Moved On”: Sometimes, you are dealing with someone who truly believes that the marriage has long been over. And when they express this, they’re almost devoid of emotion because for them, the time to be emotional has long sense been over. There’s little emotional turmoil left for them because they either feel that the marriage reached it’s natural end, or at the very least, they believe that they did everything in their power to save it.

They aren’t angry. They aren’t indignant. But they are often very indifferent. It’s not going to make them jealous if you go out with someone else, because in their minds and in their hearts, the marriage is no longer something that they are truly a part of anymore.

That’s why when people tell me that their spouse is spewing hateful words and phrases at them or even saying or doing mean things, I don’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that this is a bad thing. Although I certainly don’t condone negative behavior, saying hurtful things, or fighting for the sake of it, sometimes the presence of strong emotions can be indicative of a person who still cares enough to feel emotion. I would always rather see extreme anger than quiet indifference. And by saying that, I don’t mean to imply that an indifferent marriage or spouse is the point of no return. This isn’t always the case, but it is more difficult to save a marriage with an indifferent spouse.

Another difficulty is when your spouse has changed so profoundly that you’re no longer on a familiar playing field. Sometimes you see this with a spouse who is ill or has undergone some drastic changes in their life that has affected them on a deep emotional or even a physical level. As a result, they have profoundly changed from the inside out and so reaching them is going to be more difficult for you because you are in uncharted waters. This too doesn’t mean that the marriage can not be saved. It just means that it’s more difficult.

And of course, when you bring the finality of divorce or another person into the picture, these things can muddy the waters as well. But with those things said, I’ve seen divorced couples and couples who were engaged or married to other people eventually get remarried,so I never rule this out.

When It Can Be Nearly Impossible To Save Your Marriage: The only time I can think of when I say for sure that a marriage probably can not be saved (unless you believe in a reconciliation in the after life) is the situation where the spouses are having difficulty with their marriage and one spouse dies during the process. This is a heart breaking tragedy and, since you only have one piece of the puzzle, you are kind of stuck where you are. Of course, I have had people tell me that they know they will meet their other half again one day and I think that this is truly the attitude that you need to have when you’re trying to save your marriage against all odds, regardless of your situation.

As you can probably see, I’m very stubborn and believe that there’s only a very few situations where the marriage absolutely can not be saved. But I’m an optimist in that regard. However, realistically, I do realize that eventually, both sides have to agree upon the state of the marriage and both have to eventually cooperate for the marriage to be saved.

There were many people (including my husband) who felt my marriage could not be saved, but I suppose I’ve proven them all wrong. It wasn’t always easy and I realize that this isn’t going to be possible in every marriage. But I’m glad I didn’t give up. If you think it will help, you’re welcome to read the whole story on how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  If you have children and you are separated, it’s nearly impossible for them not to be affected by this or not to have an opinion about it.  After all, they live in the home too.  And they have eyes and ears.  No matter how much you might try to shield them from what is going on in your marriage, they may know at least some of what is happening – simply because you share the same space and they see and experience many of your interactions with your spouse.

That means that if there is any type of reconciliation on the horizon, they are going to have an opinion about it, which can certainly confuse things. Someone might say: “I guess that there is no nice way to describe this, but my husband and I are separated because he had a midlife crisis.  My husband has always been a pretty nice, easy going guy.  But once he went through his midlife crisis, nothing at home made him happy.  He became constantly critical and nasty.  He acted like it was torturous for him to be around me and the kids.  He said he wanted to leave, but I was scared so I begged him to stay and kind of made a fool of myself.  There is no question that this diminished my kids’ respect for me, and I’m pretty embarrassed about that.  After only four weeks of being separated, it appears that my husband has come to his senses.  He freely admits that he was acting like a jerk.  He wants to come home.  I want that very much, too.  I have missed him terribly.  But the kids object to this.  They don’t want to go through all of the fighting again.  They don’t want to see me demean myself again.  Of course, my hope is that it wouldn’t come to any of that.  My hope is that he will come home and act like his old self.  And it might matter that my husband isn’t my children’s biological father.  They have never been all that close to him, but they tolerated him before.  Now, they don’t seem as willing to do that because he has kind of messed up their trust. Is it okay for him to come back home if the kids object and are upset?”

Easing Into The Transition So That Objections Don’t Ruin Your Reconciliation: You don’t need anyone’s permission.  It is your marriage.  However, since the kids live with you and their attitudes may well have an impact on your household and on your marriage, it might be optimal to listen to them and to involve them.  Also, kids can be very perceptive. They could possibly be seeing something that you aren’t, although I would never advocate allowing your children to make marital decisions for you. Still, doesn’t it make sense to ease everyone into this transition?

I can tell you from experience that a reconciliation can be hard enough – even when everyone is rooting for you.  So anything that you can do to make this more comfortable for everyone is going to be of benefit – and it’s going to give your reconciliation a better chance of being successful.  I think that family counseling would be a great idea.  This will help both your family and your marriage and would lay a wonderful foundation for him coming home. It will also give you more confidence that the reconciliation is going to to work.

Another thing that I can wholeheartedly recommend (and I did this myself during my own separation) is to ease into the transition.  It’s better to let him spend some nights at home and then perhaps go to weekends if all goes well.  This allows you to see how it goes and to address any issues that come up.  It also decreases the pressure.  If you have to back track or regroup, you can do so.  You can fix any issues BEFORE he actually moves back in – when the stakes are going to be much, much higher.

Also, him coming back and spending some temporary time at home may not be as objectionable to the kids.  Plus, this allows them to see that things really are going to be okay.  That way, when it comes time for him to permanently move back in, they are more likely to welcome him with open arms because they have seen – for themselves – that your husband is back to being himself again and that he has done the work to make this right.

Understand That The Kids Are Reacting To Fear: This gradual pace will usually be enough to overcome their fears.  After all – that is the crux of the whole thing.  They are afraid.  They are afraid of watching their mom getting hurt and of living in chaos again.  So if you can literally show them (in a gradual way) that this isn’t going to happen and that there is no need for their fear – you will likely see them withdraw their objections.  Children generally want their parents to be happy.  But they also want to live in a loving household without drama.  Show them that this is possible (without forcing it on them too soon) and you will likely see them completely change their attitude.

As I alluded to, even though there came a point where I could have perhaps rushed in getting my husband to move back in, I was so afraid of failure that I forced myself to go at a more gradual pace.  I’ve never regretted this because our reconciliation actually worked.  That may not have happened if we had rushed it. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some of the time, after several weeks or months have passed during a martial or trial separation, one or both parties begin itching for the other to move back in or to come home. That can be the nature of things – even when you vowed that you would fix your marriage or address any problems long before even talking about coming home.

The truth is that once many people get a taste of being or living alone, they decide that it’s lonely and they don’t much like it.  It becomes obvious to them that they’d rather have their spouse home with an imperfect marriage than to wait for the absolutely perfect marriage. But what happens when you have already laid out very specific things that your spouse was required to do in order to come home, but suddenly you find yourself REALLY wanting for him to come home? How do you handle it then?

For example, a wife might say: “I am not going to say that I kicked my husband out, but when he started complaining about our marriage and started with veiled threats about leaving or pursuing a separation, I actually encouraged him to move out for a while. The reason for this is that I almost feel like he was testing me to see if I would beg him to stay without requiring any real changes. The thing is, I believe that the changes are absolutely necessary. My husband has gotten very complacent in our marriage. He takes me for granted. He never compliments me or makes any effort. He does not help out. I have repeatedly told him that he has to do more and that he has to treat me better. I have told him that I want to go to counseling. This has mostly fallen on deaf ears.  Or he acts as if I am a nag. So I pushed for him to move out, thinking that this would teach him a lesson. He did move out. And we have missed each other. And if I am being honest, I want him to come home. But he has not gone to counseling. He has been more sweet to me, but I suspect that this is because he is trying to butter me up because he wants to come home. I want him home, too. But I worry that he hasn’t met the conditions that I set forth. And if I let him come home, then he will never meet those conditions. We discussed this the other day. I basically said: ‘you know that there are changes that you need to make before coming home.’ His response to me was that he was aware of this, but he insisted that he thought that he had made some progress already. Frankly, I doubt this progress and I worry that he’s just saying this to come back home and then we will be right back to where we started. Don’t get me wrong I DO want him home. I want him home very much, but I’m concerned that the changes just won’t happen once I allow this.”

The Risk Of Him Coming Home Before The Work Is Done: Your concerns are valid. It’s not unheard of for couples to attempt to reconcile and then to have one of them return home too early and have the whole thing fail. And it’s probably common sense that each time a spouse comes back home and then leaves, it becomes harder and harder to work it out and reconcile once again. Every time you repeat the process, it gets harder and harder to believe that your marriage might actually work.

Setting The Wheels In Motion Before He Returns Home: I don’t think that you are being unreasonable to ask for real, identifiable and ongoing change. It’s not that difficult to put this into motion BEFORE your spouse comes back. You can actually spell out what needs to happen, continue your reconciliation as it is happening, and then have him move back in once you’re absolutely sure that it has happened.

It would look and sound something like this: You’d say, “You know that I’ve missed you terribly and that I want you to move back home so that we can reconcile. However, the last thing that I want to happen is for our reconciliation to fail. And I’m afraid that this is exactly what is going to happen if we rush things and we don’t make the changes that we need to make. I’d like to set a target date of two months out for your moving in. During those two months, I’d like to book weekly counseling sessions and I’d like to continue on making progress in the way that we are. That way, we’ll both know that we’re actively working toward our goal and we will both have confidence that our marriage is going to work so that you will never have to leave again. I’ll make the arrangements with the counselor.”

Basically, all your husband has to do is show up to counseling and be willing to do what the counselor will lay out for him. (This is the beauty of a counselor. The directives are coming from the counselor – and not from you.) If he is resistant to counseling, you could try some very good self help. But you want to see him be very willing to put forth the effort and to meet you half way. If he doesn’t, you are right to be concerned that you’re going to fall back into old patterns. It takes real work to break a habit – and that is what complacency about your marriage can become – a habit. Hopefully, your husband is going to be more motivated right now because he is very motivated to come home.

I understand where you are coming from because I actually delayed my husband coming home until I was absolutely certain that we would make it.  The separation was so painful that I wanted to be sure that we never repeated it.  I have never regretted the slight delay because we did make it.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people who initiate or want a separation pursue this as a test of sorts. Many are unsure about their true feelings for their spouse and so they suspect that a separation is going to make things more clear. After all, if you are away from your spouse and there’s a break in the drama, won’t you have the time and space to actually feel something substantial?

That’s the assumption, anyway. But some are surprised at their lack of feelings during the separation and they wonder if this lack is going to have any implications on their ability to eventually reconcile. Here’s an example. You might hear someone say: “my husband was the one who initially brought up separating. Our marriage has been floundering for quite some time. I did not believe that we needed to take so drastic a step. I thought that we could just both dig in our heals and commit to working on our marriage. However, my husband disagreed and he felt that we’d already had plenty of time where we could have changed our marriage, but we didn’t. His mind seemed pretty made up about this. After I thought about it for a while, I realized that perhaps he was right. However, I wasn’t enthusiastic about this process. I figured that I would be incredibly lonely and that I would miss my husband desperately. The thing is, this hasn’t come to pass. Sure, there are times when I’m home and I see something on TV or I have a memory and it makes me think of my husband.  In that moment, I wish that he was with me. But these sorts of instances are relatively rare. And that longing that I expected to feel just isn’t there. I don’t spend every waking moment missing him. In fact, sometimes I find myself savoring being alone. There is something very peaceful and freeing about having to only answer to myself. And it’s calming to not be fighting with someone all of the time. I am surprised because I really anticipated that I would suffer. And I worry about what this means for my marriage. Initially when we separated, I was very serious about saving my marriage. But now I worry about not missing my husband like I thought that I might.  I worry that this means that we aren’t meant to be. I don’t know for sure, but my spouse seems to be missing me more than I am missing him.”

Why There Can Be Some Relief Right After Separating: I know that what you are feeling is surprising and upsetting to you, but it honestly is not that uncommon – even amongst people who love their spouses very much. For many couples, in the time period before you separate, you are living under a cloud of uncertainty. And it can feel a little bit like you are living in a pressure cooker. So when there is a pause to that, it can understandably feel like a relief. Also, when you and your spouse have conflict, there’s a bit of walking on eggshells at home and, because of this, it can start to feel as if you can’t be your true self. So when you are separated and alone, it can feel very liberating to be who you are while not worrying about pleasing anyone but yourself.

How (Or If) To Deal With This Surprising Response Right Now: This “relief” phase as I like to call will sometimes last only a short period of time. For some, it lasts a little longer. And for others, it is indefinite. And no, it doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over. It can be a natural reaction to the drama that you’ve been living with.

I don’t think that you need to put pressure on yourself or rush anything. I don’t even think that you necessarily have to share this with your spouse. I think it’s best to just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling at the time without a lot of judgement or pressure.

Often, when you keep in contact with your spouse, the feelings and the longing will just naturally come when they are meant to – without your needing to force anything. If you are in counseling, you’ll find that having a set time to interact with your spouse might help this process along.

And many people find that initial “relief” phase to be fleeting. The sense of freedom and novelty eventually wears off and gives way to loneliness. Once this happens, you become more open to the romantic feelings returning. Much of the time, you don’t need to do anything to spur this along other than to just let this happen naturally and to be open to it.  And you don’t need to pretend to feel anything that you don’t feel. You just need to give yourself permission to experience whatever comes and to have patience.

Because very often, what you feel initially during a separation is not what you will feel at the end of it. Having feelings that evolve and change is very normal. Most people experience these fluctuations at some point. There’s no need to judge yourself or beat yourself up over it.

During my own separation, it was my husband that felt that sense of relief.  While I suffered, I know that there were times when my husband was actually happier being separated.  Thankfully, in time, (and as I learned how to play the game a little better) my husband’s feelings (and the longing) returned.  But it didn’t happen immediately.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who, seemingly all of a sudden, are shocked at the state of their marriage.  Sometimes, you seem to be kind of coasting along, and then something will happen which will jolt you to a shocking reality.  Your marriage is visibly shaken or altered and you have no idea how this happened.

For many, this happens after you have been married for a while.  Perhaps your children get older and so you now have the luxury of turning your attention to your marriage, only to find that it has changed.  Or maybe your spouse is starting to act differently.  Or you are finding yourself feeling differently.  Whatever the reason, sometimes you find yourself with a marriage that you don’t recognize.  And you don’t exactly know how this happened.  So you aren’t sure how to fix it.

Someone might say: “All of a sudden I turned around and I have a marriage that is unrecognizable to me.  Admittedly, my husband and I have had some struggles for the past several years, trying to juggle rambunctious teenagers along with our very demanding jobs.  This meant that we sometimes had to coast. But now one of our kids has moved out and the other doesn’t need us nearly as much.  So now is the time that we should be finally having some fun.  We’ve started trying to go out more, but it’s been a disaster.  We sit across from one another at a restaurant and there are literally crickets.  It’s so awkward.  We’re OK in front of the TV, but what kind of life is that?  When it’s time to really connect or to really talk, it is like we are strangers.  I mentioned this to my husband, hoping that he would tell me not to worry or that I was reading too much into the whole thing.  But he didn’t do any of those things.  In fact, he told me that it’s pretty obvious that we have grown apart and that our marriage is in trouble.  I never thought that I would see my marriage as a broken one.  But I guess it’s undeniable.  I know that I need to fix this.  But I don’t know what went wrong.  No one really did anything heinous, but it’s like we’re strangers.

Vague Problems Are Just As Problematic As Identifiable Ones: This is extremely common.  In fact, much of the issues that I hear about come with no identifiable problem.  Sure, there are plenty of couples that have a very obvious issue – like money, trust, or sex.  But there are just as many who have simply grown apart through neglect, life getting in the way, or one or both people changing.   Just because you can’t immediately identify a concrete problem, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to be addressed.  Vague reasons like a lack of closeness or a lackluster marriage cause just as many separations and divorces as identifiable problems like infidelity.

Small Improvements (That You Can Achieve Alone) Make Big Differences: Even if you can’t put your finger on the problem, there are things that you can start doing anyway – and you can do these things all alone.  As I learned the hard way, almost every marriage can benefit from more time and more attention.  You can start this process by just watching and reflecting for a couple of days.  What bothers you the most?  What do you notice as being the most problematic? Do you notice anything that your spouse is visibly reacting to in either positive or negative ways? Then make a list, starting with the biggest issues and move on to the smaller ones. You will use this list to methodically make small changes as you are able. And no, you can’t force him to make changes right along beside you, but often when YOU make small changes that lead to noticeable improvements, he will get with the program because he now sees that your marriage is not hopeless.

Time, Attention, And Effort Go A Long Way: Observing may give you more information, but even if it doesn’t, any marriage can be improved with concentrated attention.  Because much of the time, the deterioration that you are experiencing (however it manifests itself) is at least partly due to neglect.  Please don’t take that the wrong way.  “Neglect” sounds so negative, but it is so typical.

No one can give the marriage the same care and attention as they did when they were newlyweds, especially when there are jobs, children, and responsibilities thrown into the mix.  This is normal and it does not mean that you are a neglectful person. But it can mean that now is the time to turn your attention back to your marriage.  There is a real inclination to be afraid of the awkwardness and the sense of failure and to back away and go back in your shell.  DON’T.  Keep trying.  Keep talking.  Keep going back again.

This man may feel like a stranger today.  But he is still your husband and the father of your children.  He is the person who has walked beside you and held you steady all of this time.  He deserves a marriage that is as good as you can make it.  You deserve that, too.

Use Your Advantages: Yes, it’s scary and depressing when your marriage is struggling.  But it’s also a sign to get busy and to get to work. The good news is that, as you mentioned, you now have the luxury of time.  You can devote more attention to this, since your kids aren’t as needy.  That’s wonderful news.  I know that it feels scary and discouraging to admit that your marriage has changed.  But marriages can and do change back.  Give it the attention, time, and care that you did at the beginning or early days and you will get the feelings, conversations, and intimacy that you got in the early days.  I’ve seen it happen over and over again.  It isn’t easy.  It can be awkward.  And it requires patience and diligence.  But isn’t your marriage worth that?

I learned all of this the hard way.  Because of neglect and no real plan to change or fix things, my husband and I ended up separated.  That’s why it is my belief that it’s much easier to fix things early on than to save your marriage once it is in trouble.  You can read more about how I finally got my husband back on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband tells you that he wants a divorce, it doesn’t really matter if you expected it or not. Many people find that little is as awful as hearing those words. You may have braced yourself for it. You may have expected or dreaded it. But when those words actually come, they can feel like a knife going through your heart. And even if you thought that you were prepared and would be calm, for many of us, we are anything but. I can remember my heart racing so fast when my husband discussed moving out that I worried for my health.

And I know that I’m not alone. You might hear a comment like: “I can’t say that I am completely surprised by this. I knew that we were having problems and we had even talked about separating. So I knew that my husband was not going to sit idly by and stay in an unhappy marriage. But I certainly didn’t anticipate that he would skip the separation and go straight for a divorce. Last night, we were watching TV and he said that he had to tell me something that he knew was going to upset me very much. I should have known then, but I didn’t. Because when he told me that he was filing for divorce next week, I was absolutely shocked. And I felt myself almost go numb and then I felt intense pain. For a while, I walked around sort of wandering and lost. I really think that I couldn’t completely process it due to the shock. And then I started to panic. I have been married for so long that it is really hard for me to fathom being alone. Plus this is going to feel like such a failure. Our families will be so disappointed. I don’t want this reality, but my husband does not seem to want to budge. I know that I shouldn’t panic, but I can not help it. Divorce is the absolutely worst possibility for me and now I am staring it right in the face. How do I get ahold of myself?”

Understand Your Time Frame And Don’t Underestimate The Destruction That Panic Can Cause: I know how that feeling of panic is almost suffocating. However, I probably don’t have to tell you that things can change. Not everyone who thinks that they are going to get a divorce actually gets one. And the divorce process takes quite a while, giving you time to try different methods to make things a little better.

I understand that this reality is a very harsh and heartbreaking one. But it’s very important to realize that panic doesn’t help you. Panic will not make you seem more attractive or alluring. It will not make the divorce seem like the worse option. In fact, it can push your husband toward the divorce even more. Plus, when you panic, you sometimes make the worst possible decisions. Your behaviors and actions are based on fear rather than on your authentic self or what is in your own best interest.

My panicked self is not someone that I want to display to the world, much less to my husband. But that is precisely who I showed him. And this dug a much deeper hole for me and ultimately made a divorce more likely. It took me far too long to figure out that AN ACTUAL plan was more much helpful to me than my panic.

Having A Plan While Controlling What You Can: Understand that you can not control what your husband decides or does. You can’t physically stop him from trying to divorce you (although your lawyer might have some legal insight, but that’s a completely different topic and this article is most definitely not about divorce law.) You can certainly try to set up the circumstances that would be most favorable to him changing his mind.

And you can take care of yourself. What I mean by that is that you can surround yourself with loving, caring people. And you can consult specialists who might make this situation better. Only you can decide if you want or need to consult an attorney. It may be beneficial to see a counselor just to support yourself. This may end up helping your marriage, but that should not be the primary goal. It should be all about setting yourself up for every eventuality, since you can’t possibly know for the future.

It certainly never hurts to be prepared and you don’t want to just ignore reality. I totally advocate getting professional opinions so that you know what you are dealing with. At the same time, I don’t think you have to throw in the towel and just assume that you will end up divorced. Sometimes, when spouses see all of the hard work that you are doing, they become more open. I can’t guarantee this, but I know it to be possible from my own experience.  Some husbands change their mind when they miss their wives.

So please don’t panic. The future will come, but you don’t know what it will bring. You can only try to put the most positive spin on it that you can while preparing for all variables. At the same time, you can show your husband the best version of yourself. I know the challenge that this is. But at the end of the day, the person you show him is the person he will base any decision about divorce upon.  Do you want that person to be panicked and struggling? Or do you want that person to be capable and coping?

I will admit that there were times when I could only fake it til I made it. But that was better than openly panicking. And often, when you fake it long enough, the fake becomes real.  You find that you actually are feeling better and your husband can’t help but notice.  Yes, I was petrified I would end up divorced once my husband moved out.  But I didn’t because I eventually got a plan.  You can read more  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  If you have never been separated (or faced with a separation,) you may assume that the topic of it is one that is going to come up often.  After all, what could be more important to talk about than that?  Isn’t that a topic that deserves and needs a lot of attention?

Yes, it absolutely is.  But the conversation doesn’t always go as easily as you might assume.  It can be excruciatingly hard (and sometimes painful) to have these conversations.  It’s not as easy as you might think. Which leads some spouses to question just what might be the best way to go about it.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I have only been separated for about three weeks.  Before he finally moved out, I did everything in my power to keep him from going.  I talked until my voice was hoarse.  It seemed that my words had no impact at all on him and, at times, he got frustrated and even angry.  He basically said if talking would fix things, then we wouldn’t be at this point right now.  I sort of disagree, but I also know that debating it won’t do any good.  The issue that I’m having right now is that I don’t even know how to broach the separation topic with him.  I want to know how he is doing and what he is feeling. I’d like to know if being apart has helped anything.  Or if this is what he thought that it would be like.  But I’m so afraid to vocalize this because I don’t want him to get frustrated with me again. However, I feel as if I have a right to know.  Don’t I?”

I agree that you have the right to know, but as you have already suspected, getting that information is going to be tricky.  And if you go about getting it in the wrong way, you may do more harm than good and actually end up damaging your relationship at time when your relationship definitely can not afford it.

Analyzing Your Husband’s Mindset: It can be very helpful to try to understand your husband’s mindset.  He may be so unsure about his feelings that he has actually moved out in order to sort all of them out.  Only a little bit of time has gone by, so it’s unlikely that he’s going to be able to clearly articulate a very distinct thought process right now.  First, he likely hasn’t had time to completely sort out his feelings and, even assuming that he has, he may not be ready to share that just yet.

Granted, there’s always the possibility that he misses you terribly and has come to the conclusion that this separation was a mistake.  However, if that were the case, he would likely eventually tell you on his own, without your needing to do anything to damage your marriage or put it at risk.

Frankly, this is often true no matter what his feelings end up being. I completely understand being impatient.  In fact, I did the exact same thing that you are tempted to do.  I pushed for information before my husband was ready to give it to me. He greatly resented this, got frustrated with me, and gave me less information instead of more information.  Even worse, he started to avoid me. We almost ended up divorced and my pushing and bugging him for information was one reason for this.

Watching Is Sometimes More Effective And Less Damaging Than Asking, Especially At First: I know that it’s hard to just watch and wait.  But frankly, watching truly can give you at least some information.  And, there’s no guarantee that his words will be accurate.  Not because he’s lying or trying to deceive you.  But because people need time to sort out and evaluate their feelings and they often aren’t ready to share until they are absolutely sure.

As challenging as this is, in my experience, your best bet is to just try to maintain as positive a relationship as possible with the knowledge that doing so is going to give you the highest probability that his thoughts about you and the marriage are favorable.  Yes, he’s not saying the words right now and it is leap of faith.  But having this trust is better than pushing and having him back away.

The truth will eventually come out.  His thoughts and feelings will eventually become clear.  When he’s ready, he will share these things with you through his actions, his words, or both.  Pushing is the single biggest mistake that I made during my own separation.  Pushing is very understandable but pushing a man who has made it clear that he wants his space is a recipe for disaster.  He likely already knows that you want this information and he will give it to you when he’s sure about it and he believes that the time is right. I’ve learned its best not to put your marriage in further jeopardy until then.  Now, if he brings it up and seems willing to share, then that’s a very different issue.  But that it typically the exception rather than the rule.  You can ask questions generally meant to gauge his feelings, but if he resists, then stop and wait.

I did eventually get my husband back.  But pushing almost ensured that I didn’t. You can read more  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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