Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: A lot of wives who contact me about a husband who seemingly doesn’t care anymore will tell you that the whole thing was kind of abrupt. I don’t mean to imply that they never noted any unhappiness or frustration in their husband. They did. They often knew that things weren’t great and that improvement should be sought as soon as possible. But what they didn’t expect is that he would go from merely frustrated to appearing to not care at all in so short a period of time.

Someone might explain: “It may seem as if I am being very dramatic. But what I am about to say is absolutely true. I don’t think my husband cares about me (and our marriage) at all. It is as if I can no longer get through the thick armor that he has built around his heart in regards to me. I know that we are having problems. But when we first started talking about our issues and trying to work through them, he honestly seemed very invested. Yes, he was certainly frustrated. But so was I.  However, he seemed like he still cared very much about me and it seemed that he ultimately wanted to work things out. I don’t get that sense anymore. At all. It used to be that when we would fight, I would cry and get upset and he would always comfort me, tell me it was going to be okay, and then try to make things better. These days if I cry or get upset, the best I might get is that he ignores me altogether. The worst is when he rolls his eyes at me or sighs deeply like I am the biggest annoyance in the world to him. He will often just walk right out on me. The other day, I yelled after him ‘it’s nice to know that you don’t care at all.’ His reply was ‘eventually, you have no choice.’ He didn’t even deny it. I really don’t understand this. A month ago, he was still comforting me and telling me that we were going to be okay. Now he acts as if he can’t stand to be in the same room with me and he’s pretty much admitted that he doesn’t care at all. He’s even started hinting about a separation. What would make a husband (who seemed invested) go to not caring and then talking about a separation so suddenly?”

I can only give you my theories. I’ve gone through a similar situation in my own marriage (which eventually ended up in a temporary separation.) And I do hear from a lot of folks as a result of this blog. So, I’ve developed some definite theories as to why husbands seem to go from invested to uncaring way too quickly.

He Believes That Nothing Is Going To Change, So He Has Lost All Patience: Sometimes, he seems to snap suddenly when in actuality (at least to him) this has been brewing for a while. What I mean by that is that the whole time that he was comforting you, he was probably hoping that soon, he would not need to offer you comfort because things were going to change (for the better.) So when he keeps having to comfort you because nothing is changing, he begins to lose patience and hope. When he finally begins to believe that nothing is ever going to change, he may shut down his emotions in order to try to avoid more disappointment. This whole thing may seem sudden to you, but there may have been some steps that you didn’t see. I know that this was true in my own case.

He May Be Distancing Himself From His Emotions: As I alluded to above, there is likely to be an awful lot of disappointment in this scenario. When he was comforting you, he was likely hoping for the best. When that didn’t pan out, he could well have been very disappointed and frustrated. And of course, these are negative emotions that most of us do not enjoy feeling. So we can shut down to try to protect ourselves. Frankly, it might not be that he doesn’t care. It might in fact be that he cares too much. And his feelings are painful to him. So for now, he’s holding back because he just doesn’t want to feel. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. It means that he is choosing not to show it.

Moving Forward: From my own unfortunate experience, I know that it’s very tempting to try to get some sort of reaction out of him. In my own case, I laid it on a little more thickly, hoping that my husband would feel bad and try to interact with me. When this didn’t work, I tried to pick fights. As you may have guessed, this only made things worse. As hard it was, it wasn’t until I backed off some that my husband eventually became receptive again and then it became obvious that he in fact did care quite a bit. But no matter how much I pushed, I wasn’t going to see that immediately. Many things had to happen first.  You can read more about how I had to back away to gain some ground on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Wives who have just become (or are about to become) separated often wonder how their husband is feeling. Many suspect that he is feeling euphoria or serious relief. Many believe that he is happy to be rid of the arguing or of the struggling marriage. Some of these wives actually attempt to ask their husband what he is feeling, but sometimes he will tell her that he doesn’t know, doesn’t want to talk about it, or he will downplay his feelings. Understandably, the wife usually isn’t sure what to believe. There is a very natural inclination to think the worst here.

So who can blame a wife who says: “what exactly do men think when they leave for a separation and walk out the door? I can’t really get a read on how my husband feels. We only talk briefly. And I definitely feel like he is hiding his feelings from me. He honestly seems a little more at ease than he did when he was at home and we were fighting. So of course I feel that it is possible that he is relieved and glad to be away. I work closely with a man who separated from his wife last year. I see him everyday in close quarters, so it was pretty easy for me to see that he was broken up about his separation and, frankly a mess – which is exactly how I feel. But I don’t see the same sort of behavior in my husband. He doesn’t necessarily seem broken up. It’s certainly not like he’s jumping for joy. But he doesn’t necessarily seem sad either. How do men feel – really feel – when they leave their wives?”

Honestly, this is a very hard question to answer. A man’s reaction to this varies greatly and is dependent on the personality of the man himself, the state of the marriage, his intentions moving forward, and many other variables. I can certainly share with you various responses that I’ve had shared with me and that I’ve viewed from my own experiences and observations. But the feelings can greatly vary – from one man to the next – and from one day to the next. The way that a man feels when he walks out the door initially may not be the way that he feels two weeks or two months from now. But below is a sampling of some of the feelings that he might experience.

A Sense Of Failure And Sadness: People are sometimes surprised at this. But yes, many separated men who choose to walk out the door feel disappointed and sad. Think about it for a minute. Most of the time, you have invested your heart, your time, and your soul into this relationship. So when you have to walk away, regardless of the circumstances, it can be very painful. You can feel as if you failed. Or that you let the people that you love down. This is certainly not usually a great feeling, despite what everyone may think.

A Sense That You Can Breathe (At Least For Now:) Many wives suspect that their husband feels some relief. And honestly, that can be the case sometimes, especially initially. Sometimes, there is relief that a decision was finally made. Or that a pause has finally been taken. Or that the bickering has at least been turned down. It would be unrealistic to deny this. But the perception that a man who initiated a separation walks out the door, calls his friends and says ‘it’s party time’ is, at least in my experience, rarely true – although this is what wives fear.

A Sense Of Dread Or Fear While Wondering If They Did The Right Thing: Believe it or not, a good amount of people (even husbands) who initiate or accept a separation are hoping that, at the end of the day, everything is going to somehow work out. They may know that things aren’t looking so great right now. Some are even hoping that the separation improves things. Many are just hoping that something changes and they don’t know how to initiate that change without also changing their living status. But if you asked many of them what they really wanted – some would say that they would want for things to eventually work out. And many are afraid that initiating the separation was the wrong call or may even make things worse.

So when you see your husband and he seems a little quiet and closed off – it may not necessarily be that he is trying to hide things from you. Instead, he may be juggling his own feelings and struggling with these disappointments and fears in the very same way that you are. I know from my own experience during my own separation that it is just human nature to expect the worst. But it isn’t always the worst that you are seeing. Sometimes, he simply has his own struggles and fluctuating emotions – just like you do.  You can read more about how I ended my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s no question that there can be a lot of uncertainty and isolation during a marital separation. This is especially true if you are the one who desperately wants to reconcile while your spouse is much less sure, or even outright reluctant. This can actually be a little humiliating because it can feel as you have no control over your own fate. You can feel like you are at the mercy of someone else’s whims. At the same time, you don’t want to just bow out because this is your marriage and you want to save it. I understand the frustration.

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband is the one who wanted the separation. When he first presented it to me, I thought that my world was over. I thought that being separated was the worst that things could possibly get. Turns out, I was wrong about that. I never considered that I might actually end up divorced. But it appears that things may be headed that way. In my own mind, I thought that we would separate, but always with an eye toward working things out. Sure, I figured that we would have some tough weeks or months. But I eventually thought that those weeks and months would be over. I guess I was wrong because my husband is telling me that he is not willing to reconcile right now and that he may not ever be willing. He says that we have too much conflict and he worries that we are just not compatible enough. So of course, this leaves me with trying to be overly agreeable in order to show him that we CAN be compatible and that we don’t have to have conflict. But of course, it’s all a bit unfair. It’s his way all the time. It’s what he wants to do all of the time. He holds all of the cards and I find myself resenting it. But if I try to push for what I want or for what I think is right, then I can literally feel his frustration and I feel him back away. So I can’t win. And I can’t say what I really think or want. It’s so very frustrating. Because I feel like I will have to do whatever is necessary to make a reconciliation happen, but I am sure not going to like it. It’s humiliating to have to follow him around like a puppy dog and be basically a robot accepting all of his requests.”

I understand how you feel. I was initially over accommodating during my own separation. But I have to tell you that despite my sticking with that strategy for a frustratingly long period of time, I’m not sure that it helped a great deal. Although it might have spared some anger all around, it made me look like a pushover and my husband treated me accordingly. I felt disrespected and eventually lashed out accordingly also.

My point is, I don’t know if acting in a way that you personally find humiliating (and understandably so) is going to help the situation in the long run. Your husband may be well aware that your being this accommodating isn’t exactly 100% genuine and can’t possibly last. I know that it can feel like a no-win situation, but I think it’s important to find the compromise in the middle.

There is a difference between being on your best behavior and forcing yourself to act in a way that goes against everything you are and what you believe. Being on your best behavior means being agreeable, but genuine. If you pretend to believe in something that you truly don’t, there will be a price to pay for this eventually.

I know that these times feel desperate because I have been there, but feeling desperate and ACTING desperate are two different things. Think about how you would respond to your husband if he acted desperate and just automatically said “yes” or agreed with everything. Eventually, your respect level for him might drop and, as a result, your attraction and interest in him might eventually follow suit if nothing changes over a long period of time.

I’m certainly not suggesting that now is the time to argue or debate with your husband because it isn’t. But I also don’t think that you want to just blindly agree to everything when you find it humiliating and it bothers you so much. Because frankly, that is a huge part of what trying to reconcile during a separation is – you’re trying to find that sweet spot where you’re both giving more than you take, and yet you both feel as if it’s worth the effort.

If you don’t feel that way, perhaps its time to take a bit of a cooling off period. You don’t need to argue about this or even make a huge production out of it. When I began to get frustrated during my own separation, I actually traveled to my old home to visit friends and family for a while. This extended break wasn’t meant in retaliation or anything like that. I simply needed a break. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t working, so pausing those efforts certainly couldn’t hurt – especially when those efforts weren’t effective anyway. Much to my surprise, my husband showed more respect to (and interest in) me when I returned and this was the turning point that made a reconciliation possible.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you’re recently (or even not-so-recently) separated, then you will know what I mean when I say that you are always looking for clues, signs, and signals that might tell you how your separated husband is feeling. Some of this is due to the uncertainty of the situation; but sometimes, part of this seeking can be due to a husband’s unwillingness to discuss his feelings. His wife may straight-out ask him about what he’s experiencing or feeling, but it’s rare that she’s going to get a straight answer. So she has no choice but to be on the lookout for any clue that she can get.

And frankly, it’s not always all that hard to find these clues. What IS hard is how to interpret them. You can wonder if your own feelings are clouding your judgment. You can wonder if you are just experiencing wishful thinking. You can wonder if you’re assuming the worst because you are expecting the worst. Because, let’s face it, you’re not exactly equipped to be objective when you are very invested in your marriage and are deeply upset about the separation.

Here is one example. A hurried separated husband might show his wife a bit of affection with a long or extended hug and then the moment is over. The wife may hope that he follows up, but he doesn’t. So all you can do is speculate. A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for just over two months. Things have always been cordial between us from the very beginning. What has always been most important to us is our son’s well being. We don’t want our son to see us fighting or acting silly. And my husband and I genuinely do respect and like one another as human beings. I just can’t relate to the separated or even divorced couples who hate one another. That just isn’t us. Anyway, my husband has always either given me a quick brush on the arm or sometimes just a quick hug in greeting when he comes over to pick up or spend time with my son. So a quick touch or show of affection is actually expected between us. However, yesterday, he gave me a hug and he definitely lingered. He actually leaned in, just stayed there, and then smelled my hair. He then proceeded to compose himself and break away. But he smiled at me. Then he went back to his normal behavior. I had hoped that he would follow up by suggesting that we get together outside of the house and outside of parenting, but so far, that hasn’t happened. I was telling a mutual friend about this and she told me that she thinks I am just reacting to wishful thinking or that my husband may have just reverted to habit. I suppose she could be right. But this is not what I want to believe. What does it mean when your separated husband gives you a long, extended hug?”

This is very hard to quantify. Of course, your husband would be the best person to provide this information. But sometimes, even he isn’t sure what, exactly, he is feeling. Sometimes, he is just reacting and not thinking. So that when you ask him about it later, he isn’t lying when he says he’s not sure what he feels.

There are men who have told me that they reverted to habit in the presence of their separated wife, so I suppose that this is a possibility. However, husbands who don’t feel some affection and comfort toward their wives don’t do this. What I mean is that if your husband was only feeling cordial (but still somewhat unloving) toward you, then he would be less likely to revert back to habit because his feelings would mean that he’d be on his guard and not really receptive.

My point is, it’s typically only a husband who has receptive and affectionate feelings toward his separated wife who will revert back to habit so easily. So no matter how you look at it or break it down, I don’t think that you can deny that it’s a positive sign. Sure, it may be fleeting and you may wish that he had immediately followed it up with something. But that day may be coming. And it is my experience that this time period (hopefully just before a reconciliation) can be fragile. You don’t want to scare him off or make him hold back by demanding information that he may not have. You might be better off just being receptive and allowing this to happen naturally again and with regular frequency.

Once that happens, you won’t need to question it so much and requests to spend more time together should just naturally follow. I guess my bottom line answer is that I think that it’s a very good sign, but you can’t possibly predict the future. So it’s best to not make demands or to put pressure on the situation. You want to encourage MORE of these hugs or spontaneous signs of affection, not less. And sometimes, that means just accepting what’s right in front of you and being happy for it without over analyzing it – at least for now.

I do know how you feel because I analyzed every single behavior by my husband – the good and the bad – during my own separation.  There was a time when I was sure that we would end up divorced because I wasn’t seeing enough behavior that I felt was “good” enough.  And yet here we are – reconciled and still together.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s human nature to want the other person in any romantic relationship to feel the same romantic feelings that you do. No one wants to be the only one who is feeling the love. But this is never true more than when you are trying to reconcile with a separated spouse. You can want the reconciliation enough for both of you, but that still doesn’t keep you from wanting reassurance that your spouse really WANTS to come back and is just as emotionally invested as you are. Some spouses will offer you verbal reassurance that they are happy about (or invested in) the reconciliation, but that doesn’t stop you from looking for clues for true confirmation of the same.  And what you are typically looking for are very concrete signs of an emotional investment – but you sometimes wonder if you will notice them when you see them.

For instance, a wife might say: “after nearly four months of working on my husband during our separation, he finally agreed to try coming back home on a trial basis. I worked very hard to get him to trust that things would actually work between us. I know that I should be thrilled that he’s willing to try coming home, but I find myself having some worries and doubts. The biggest thing that bothers me is that he doesn’t seem as excited about this as I am. Yes, he has agreed to it. But I’ve planned all sorts of special things for us. I’ve announced it to all of my friends. He hasn’t done anything special. In fact, he hasn’t canceled any of the plans that he made while we were separated. This makes me worry that he really doesn’t care if our marriage is going to make it or not. It makes me concerned that he’s not nearly as emotionally invested as I am. How do I determine the level of his emotional investment? And what happens if I find out that he doesn’t have it?”

First Things First.  Consider Perspective: I understand why you are so very interested in his emotional investment. I felt exactly the same way. But I have to tell you that my constantly trying to second guess my husband actually made things worse for me. My husband got defensive and didn’t like my trying to analyze him so closely. Looking back at things with hindsight, I would have been better off going with the flow and just being very grateful that he was willing to consider coming home. Because my insecurity that he was not “into” or as “emotionally invested” in the reconciliation as I was could have become a self fulfilling prophecy as I put more pressure than was needed onto my marriage. Instead of allowing our reconciliation to be a sweet time of rediscovery, I put it under the microscope, added more worry to an already-fragile situation, and just put stress where we didn’t need anymore.

Here is what I came to realize after way too long: Honestly, keeping track of who felt what (and when) didn’t matter that much.  How we started didn’t really matter, either. It just mattered where we ended up. What do I mean by this? Well, about the same time that my husband and I tried to reconcile, some mutual friends of ours were in the same boat and were trying to reconcile their own marriage. The husband was trying to woo the wife back and they were in that sickening honeymoon phase.  I was so very envious because there were times when my husband didn’t seem all that excited. Years later, they are divorced and we are still together.

Perhaps my husband had his doubts to start with. But what mattered is that he was willing to try. And a little at a time, our progress convinced both of us to keep going until we were both fully invested. It didn’t happen right away. And I know there were times when I was more invested than he was. This knowledge hurt me and frightened me, but that certainly didn’t mean that I was going to give up or not accept my husband back. I was going to take him back in any way that I could get him, but I wasn’t going to accept less than the marriage that we both deserved when we were through with the process. (But I accepted that the process might take a while and it did.)

Signs That You May Want To Look For Eventually: As far as what signs to look for, I think that you have the most important sign right in front of you – he is telling you that he is willing. He is saying that he’s willing to come home and give it a try. Would you prefer his unbridled enthusiasm and loving displays? Sure, we all would. But we don’t always get this initially. However, if he truly didn’t think that there was any chance for your marriage or if he was sure that you were wasting your time, he likely would not have agreed to try to come home.

Sure, eventually you want to see him making future plans, showing you affection, listening and being attentive, and making an effort to sustain positive changes. However, you don’t always get this right away or all at once. Rather, it is often a gradual process that happens once progress begins to be undeniable. And many people walk into the process with doubts and with less emotional investment than their partner. But that doesn’t need to dictate your outcome. He’s there. He’s willing to try. What choice do you have but to take him up on it and to take advantage of the opportunity and build upon it?

At the end of the day, I decided that I was going to seize the opportunity to save my marriage even if my husband wasn’t jumping up and down and doing back flips.  And we made it.  He’s much more enthusiastic today so it was all worth it.  The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It is normal to want to stay very busy when your spouse has moved out for a trial separation.  To put it frankly, you just don’t want to have too much time to think about the painful things that have been going on in your life.  But, if you have been married for a while (or even if you are raising or have been part of a family,) you may well be hard-wired to take care of others.  Wives who truly want to use this time to work on themselves and to keep busy may find themselves tempted to do activities that are still focused on the marriage or on their spouse.  This is understandable.  I did this also. You want to keep your husband close to your heart.  You want to feel as if you are still married.  But you often wonder what your husband might think of your activities.

Examples are a martial scrapbook or even a mix tape.  A wife might do these things on her own and then find that perhaps they elicit certain feelings in her. Or she may wonder if she should share her activities with her husband.  For example, she might say: “my husband moved out about five weeks ago.  I have been pretty sad about it, but I saw it coming.  My husband was very honest about the fact that he was so unhappy. So it wasn’t like I didn’t have time to prepare myself.  I will say that once he actually left, there were a few very hard weeks.  I’m a bit more used to it now, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.  Sometimes when I try to reach out to him, I can tell that he’d rather be left alone, so I try to stay busy. I’ve repainted several rooms in our home and I’ve been organizing.  One of my projects is organizing all of our pictures.  So of course as I’ve been going through our photos, I notice pictures of our lives together.  So I’ve taken some out, had them copied, and am making a scrapbook of my favorites.  I showed it to one of my friends and she is telling me that I shouldn’t be dwelling on our wedding pictures when I don’t know if we are going to be married in a month’s time.  She said I’m only drawing my attention to something that is painful.  It isn’t ALWAYS painful.  Some of the photos make me happy. But I understand what she is trying to say.  Should I not keep the scrapbook?  Should I not give it to my husband?”

Knowing The Difference Between Memory And Rumination: While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can certainly give you some things to think about.  Your friend is probably concerned that by keeping the scrapbook, you are finding a way to ruminate about and dwell on the separation.  I know that when I was at the lowest point in my separation, I used to listen to the same songs over and over.  I didn’t realize how this depressed me until I quit.

However, if you find the scrapbooking uplifting and it is not keeping you from doing other productive things, then I do not really see the harm in it.  With that said, I can see how it would be easy to dwell on the photos at times, though you could argue that the pictures could also be used for inspiration in the right circumstances.

Gauging How Your Husband Might React: As far as to whether to show the scrapbook to your husband or not, I think that would depend on how you perceive that he would take it.  Some husbands are just as unsure about the situation and as lonely as you are and they may actually be receptive to it.  But many husbands have pursued separations because they want space.  These husbands typically are not the type who like to be pressured, so husbands in this category are less likely to be receptive and may mistake your kind gesture as an attempt at manipulation and pressure.  I think that it might be best to hold off until you’re absolutely sure that it’s a gift that he would either love or accept in the way that it was intended.  Overcoming his distance is sometimes hard enough without a taking a step backward because he misread you.

I think that the bottom line is that if you find the scrapbook therapeutic rather than depressing, then it’s really your business and yours alone.  Nothing says that you have to share it with your husband – or anyone else, for that matter.  There are no hard and fast rules for living through a separation.  I personally say give yourself permission to do those things that give you comfort or pleasure.  Sure, not everyone will always understand, but that’s why it’s your life and your marriage.  You get to make the decisions.

I did sometimes go down memory lane during my own separation.  After a while though, I realized that most of the time, the memories made me feel worse rather than better, although I know that this is very individual and that everyone may experience this differently.  I think the key is to do what works for you.  As long as the scrapbook isn’t impeding you in other ways, then I don’t think you need to answer to anyone about it.  If it helps, you can read more about how I got through it (and eventually ended up reconciled) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are looking for a plan that is going to stop their husband from divorcing them.  Sometimes, they have been served with divorce papers and, other times, their husband has just begun to mention the divorce.  However, no matter where they are in the process, the wives who contact me are very clear on the fact that they DON’T want a divorce.  They are usually exploring their options and are looking for the plan that is going to make stopping the divorce the most likely.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has filed divorce papers.  I want to do every thing in power to stop it.  I have two children and I refuse to allow them to grow up in a broken family.   I won’t accept a divorce.  But, what can I do to stop it?  How can I refuse? How do I convince my husband that he’s making a grave mistake that we will both regret?”

I will try to address these very common concerns in the following article.

When You’re Trying To Stop Your Husband From Divorcing You,  It’s Best To Focus On Emotional Strategies Rather Than Legal Ones: Many people ask me about legal strategies that they can use to stop the divorce.  I’m certainly not an attorney, and I would never dream of offering any one legal advice.  Plus, I have to tell you that I rarely see legal strategies turn out in the way that was hoped for.  Instead, from what I see, only the attorneys win.  The couple involved become more and more estranged from one another and the family is more and more damaged.

At the end of it, the one who wanted the divorce is more convinced than ever that they want to be rid of their spouse in the quickest way possible.  So, you haven’t gained anything by trying to contest the divorce except insuring that it’s going to cost you more money.  Of course, every situation is different.  I’m sure there are folks out there who would tell you that they were successful with legal strategies, but I’ve never heard from any of them.

The strategies that I see working to stop a divorce are those that are based on changing emotions and feelings rather than on legal strategies.  What I see working (and what worked for me) was wives who were able to make their husbands see that his perceptions about her and about the marriage were dead wrong.  You usually have a much better chance of stopping your husband from divorcing you when you can change the way he looks at you and at the marriage.  You want for him to eventually turn his perceptions around so that he sees the whole thing in a positive slant so that he wants to explore it more rather than in a negative one that he wants to move away from.

This change usually can’t happen when you are “fighting” him or “contesting” him during the divorce. It happens when you are working with them in the spirit of cooperation and when you show him (rather than repeatedly telling him)  that you’re very much still the woman that he first fell in love with and that the two of you actually can get along, interact, generate some chemistry and make a little progress.  Now, let’s talk about just how you set that up when you’re in a situation where he’s trying to divorce you.

Stopping Your Husband From Divorcing You Often Requires For You To Approach This In A Way That He Doesn’t Expect: It’s a pretty safe bet that your husband is expecting for you to have a pretty strong reaction to his wanting a divorce.  He likely already knows that you REALLY don’t want a divorce and that you are either going to try to fight him on this or try to do something to change his mind.  And, frankly, we all know that you are going to do this.  But, you shouldn’t do it in the way that he’s expecting.

You almost have to do it in underhanded sort of way.  Because you want for your reaction and for your strategy to pull your husband closer to you rather than the other way around.   So you want to remain calm and you actually want to be very measured in your actions.  You want to do whatever you can to show your husband that you are actually on his side.  You want to tell him that your real goal is for both of you to be happy and to not lose your core relationship – even if that relationship might be changing and evolving.

Now, we both know that your new found cooperation is part of a long term strategy, but if you play it correctly and for long enough, it should eventually be believable.  As this goes along, you should gain some cooperation and access to your husband.  And when you do, this is when the real work begins.

Make Sure That All Of Your Interactions With Your Husband Are Focused On The Positive: You are going to need a couple of things to stop the divorce.  You are going to need for your husband to allow you some access to him.  You are going to need for him to change his perceptions about you.  And you’re going to need for him to be open to you because the pay off that he is getting from this offers him more than the pay off that he is getting from the divorce.

You have to always remember basic psychological principles.  People are attracted to others who make them feel positive emotions.  If being around you makes your husband feel guilty, sad, or down, then he will simply cut off or slow your access to him.  You can’t afford this to happen. So, to the best of your ability, you should also try to remain upbeat and positive.  You should always be very conscious of how you are being perceived and of how you appear to your husband.

Yes, this is a tall order.  Yes, you may have to do some acting.  But if you focus on the positive and show your husband who you want him to see, you have a much better chance of stopping the divorce because this is what he will want.  To that end, you don’t want to dwell on or constantly bring up your problems or even the divorce.  I’m not asking you to deny what’s happening around you, but I am suggesting that you always place your focus on what is going to move you forward in a positive way rather than what is going to hold you back and make the divorce going through more likely.

It was my husband, not me, who filed for divorce. I knew that it wasn’t over for me and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: There are certain times in your life where it’s very easy to dread the worst case scenario. Even if you are a natural optimist, when you are faced with the reality that you dread and fear the most, you tend to allow your mind to go to unfortunate places and you almost expect the worst to happen to you.

This is very common. Unfortunately though, your sense of dread can cause you to make desperate moves that you would not normally make, so that your worst case scenario actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s extremely normal to expect the worst during a separation. For example, a wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for almost six months. If you would have told me at the beginning of the separation that things would be this bad, I would not have believed you. But they are pretty darn bad. When my husband left home and declared us separated, he made it sound like it would hopefully only be a temporary thing. I don’t know if this was really his intention or if he just did this for my benefit. But the separation has been anything but temporary. My husband never calls. I ask mutual friends if he asks about me and they have to admit that he does not. He acts like I am an annoyance to him. When we first separated, I figured that he would be back in less than three months time. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this much time would go by. And I have to be honest. I now think that he is never coming back. And I miss him so much. I am generally an upbeat person, but this has brought me down so badly. It is all I can think about. In the beginning of our separation, I tried to reach out to my husband all of the time, but he was not receptive to me. I still try, but not as often because the rejection is very hard to take. Some of my friends and family tell me that I need to just accept that he is never coming back and I guess that they are right. But this is a very sad reality for me to face and I’m finding it affecting me much more than I thought it would. How do you face the reality that the separated husband you miss so much is probably never coming back?”

I am probably not the best person to ask as, despite all evidence to the contrary, I never really accepted that my husband wasn’t coming back. But things did get so bad that at one point, it became clear that I needed to live my life. I never gave up on my husband or my marriage. And I figured that if we were going to divorce, then he would need to be the one to pursue it. I left that alone and I tried to live my life as best as I could. I forced myself to stay busy so that I would stop continuously bothering my husband and being rebuffed. I traveled a lot so that the distance made it almost impossible for me to continue on with this cycle.

Ironically, once I forced this shift on myself, my husband became receptive again. But I like to think that I would have carried on regardless. It is true that you can not control what your husband is ultimately going to do. But you do have control over what YOU are going to do. Focusing on the negative while standing still in your own life, (while absolutely understandable,) is not the best course of action. It took me far too long to learn this.

You deserve better than just treading water. As hard as it is to see at the time, your marriage is just one aspect of your life. You have many others. Sure, no one willingly wants to put their marriage on hold. But when you have no choice in this, it is best not to put yourself dead last on your priority list. Because in that sense, you are suffering twice. You are suffering because of what is happening with your marriage. But you are also suffering as an individual because you are basically standing still – just waiting for something that is not completely within your control.

Sure, you can certainly paint yourself in the best light, work on yourself, address your marital issues, and take advantage of any interaction with your spouse. (These things all help tremendously and may make it so that he might eventually come back.) But you can’t control what he thinks or does. So the best course of action is to do what you can and then to focus on moving yourself forward. Doing this doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your husband is never coming back – I certainly didn’t. But it does mean that you’ve made a conscious decision to not solely focus on the negative and to prioritize yourself enough to continue to live your life — rather than putting it off and seeing it through the negative lens that the separation has brought about.

I know that it may sound like I’m making it easier than it actually is, but believe me, I know how hard it is to face down this difficult situation and to move forward anyway.  Things got the point where I felt that I didn’t have a choice.  Ironically, it was this shift that made the biggest difference in my chance at a reconciliation, which was wonderful since nothing else was working anyway.   No one was more surprised than myself when we reconciled. There’s more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When we are dealing with a spouse who isn’t happy, a troubled marriage, or a separation, then going to counseling can seem like the best thing to do. (And it often is.) However, counseling is not always smooth sailing. Some spouses (particularly husbands) just loathe counseling because it means that they have to open up and they would rather not do this. Often, a spouse’s bad attitude in counseling will make the other spouse question any claims about wanting to save the marriage.

For example, a wife might say: “my husband and I have really been struggling for about four months. We live apart on weekends. It is sort of a part time separation. On weekends, my husband takes the kids and stays with his parents. If things don’t improve, then the part time separation might become a full time one, which is the last thing that I want. So I’ve been desperately trying to do things to keep this from happening. I begged my husband to go to counseling. He refused for quite a while, but he finally agreed because this counselor was referred to us by someone at church who my husband respects. When we agreed to go, my husband admitted that he really would like to save our marriage, but then he said he wasn’t sure if it would be possible. Still, he said the ideal would be for us to remain together. However, when we went to counseling, he just sat there like a bump on a log. The counselor would try to talk to him and get him to open up and it would be like pulling teeth. The counselor would then say things or ask questions to get a reaction out of my husband and he would sit there like he didn’t care. This is very frustrating when it’s coming from a man who claims he wants to save his marriage. It makes me question if he really wants to work things out or whether he’s just making this claim so it will appear that he did everything he could.”

Some Potential Reasons For This Behavior: I understand your frustration, but I honestly do not think that a husband’s reluctance or silence in counseling necessarily means that he doesn’t want to save his marriage. Many people detest sitting through counseling and their actions during the sessions make this obvious. They also go in doubting that counseling is really going to help and they resent the perceived waste of time and money. So, this may be the reaction that you are seeing. On the plus side, though, some of these people do eventually come around when enough time has passed to allow them to see that the counseling is actually working. A skilled counselor usually knows how to gradually deal with these reluctant folks.   However, sometimes the counselor and the couple are not a great fit and the couple finds success with someone else.

Possible Alternatives: If you’re patient and you see no change and there has been no improvement with seeking a new counselor, then there is always self help. Counseling is a very good way to save your marriage, but it isn’t the only way. I hear from some couples who have managed without it. In some cases, counseling does provide the most efficient or effective way for the couple to reconcile or solve their differences. But for couples who are resistant (or where there is one super-resistant spouse,) it is not the only way.

We did use counseling some and I do believe that it was ultimately helpful. But there were many things that helped just as much — like self help, both of us working on ourselves individually, and me making some changes on my own in order to show my husband that our situation was not as insurmountable as he thought. Because even in counseling, you are going to have some individual work to do on your own. Although counseling can help you identify some things and can help to keep you accountable and on track, nothing says that it is the only way.

But to answer the original question, I don’t think a husband’s lack of enthusiasm about counseling necessarily means that he doesn’t want to save his marriage. There are MANY people who are not enthusiastic about it, but eventually, they warm up to it a bit. It may help to watch your husband’s behavior when he’s in more relaxed settings to see if things are any better. Because what you eventually want to see is a sincere effort, even if that effort initially looks clumsy and doesn’t necessarily occur at the counselor’s office. With that said, it can take a while to see that type of sincerity, since many spouses go into this process not believing that it is actually going to work. That’s why it’s important to make small and steady gains when you can. You often have to overcome his doubts, at least somewhat, before you will see his level of enthusiasm pick up.

At least this was true in my case.  My husband had to see that things could actually change before he put all of his efforts into saving our marriage.  Before he saw this, he really didn’t seem willing to work with me at all.  He felt that most efforts were going to be a waste of time.  I had to show him that this just wasn’t true, which meant that I had to take the initiative sometimes.  But it was worth it.   There’s more about that on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of separated spouses who, quite understandably, are trying to overcompensate during their separation. What I mean by this is that they are trying to be as nice, as accepting, and as accommodating as they can possibly be – in the hopes that this will help them achieve a reconciliation and get their spouse home. They sometimes get criticism for doing this. But I completely understand it because I did it myself. I figured that anything that I could do to make things better and easier between us, the better it would be for our marriage and hopefully for our eventual reconciliation.

One of the ways that people will try to compensate is to offer their support. This support can come in the form of emotional, physical, or financial support. Sometimes, their spouse is not always receptive to the support, but they still try. Probably the type of support that is the most well-received is financial support, but people get criticized the most (and question themselves the most) when they offer it.

For example, someone might say: “for the last two years, I have supported my husband while he has attended graduate school. This really isn’t a big deal because he supported me while I was in undergraduate school (when he had already graduated and was working.) So it’s not like I did something for him that he hadn’t done for me. (Although I will say that I supported him for longer and that his education was more expensive than mine.) However, he changed while in graduate school. He started hanging out with younger people and acting as if I was holding him back. I guess it’s a typical and early midlife crisis. Anyway, he told me that he wanted a separation and I admit that I was very shocked and hurt. When it became obvious that he just refused to change his mind, I told him that I was no longer going to support a man who wasn’t sure that he wanted to be my husband. Needless to say, this did not go over very well. And after that, he was less open to seeing and talking to me. I have to say that things are really pretty bad between us now. He seems pretty content hanging out with the much younger crowd and working at a menial job to support himself. But now I’m wondering if I withdrawing my support was a mistake. Now I am wondering if I should offer to still support him and if so, how would I even say these words without it sounding like I’m trying to bribe him or to buy his love? Still, I’m kind of ashamed of myself for withdrawing my support when the going got rough. Is it a good idea to offer to support him again?”

Things To Consider: The above question is a tough one. I would think that you have to consider how you think he might receive your offer and how you think it might affect your relationship should he accept it. For example, let’s say that for the sake of argument he agrees with and appreciates your willingness to financially support him again. Does this mean that he would be receptive to you? Or would he just accept your generosity but continue to keep his distance? If this were the case, would you worry that he was only using you?

For these reasons, I would suggest FIRST trying to establish more contact with him and then evaluating the situation. That way, if things begin to get better between the two of you and you decide to offer your support again, you will at least have confidence that you are not being used. And if he continues to be resistant to you, well, at least you will have that information to factor into your decision.

I don’t necessarily think that you are trying to buy his love, especially since he did the same for you. But you have to be careful not to change the dynamic between you. He may resent having to depend on you and you may feel used. You want to make sure that the support is being given for the right reasons and not just as a carrot to dangle in front of his face to lure him back.

What I Believe Works Better Than Anything Else: In my own experience, the best way to get him back is to make him WANT to come back. Manipulation, bribery, and the like may work for a very short period of time, but they have a way of backfiring on you. I know this only because I tried all of these methods and had them backfire. It wasn’t until I came up with a plan that allowed my husband to think that I was finally giving him what he wanted that he willingly became open to me again. This shift was the final piece of the puzzle that allowed me to make some progress during my separation.  (There’s more about that here:  http://isavedmymarriage.com)

I’m not suggesting that you not support him, but I am suggesting that you really take the time to examine the situation and explore alternatives before you make the offer. And if you make it, you want to make sure that the dynamic between you does not change in a negative way. Further, you don’t want to depend on this variable to save your marriage. Truly saving your marriage usually takes genuine desire by both parties and genuine change. Supporting your husband is a nice gesture, but it does nothing to address the issues that lead to the separation.

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