Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you are separated but never wanted the separation to begin with, you already know that pursuing a separation is the wrong choice. Unfortunately, it can feel as if it is sometimes impossible to convince your separated husband of the same. For some people, when they make a decision, they are very invested in being right. So even if there are signs that the decision has flaws, they can be very unwilling to admit this, even to themselves. It can be very frustrating when you are hearing from other people that your spouse has been second guessing the separation, but he won’t confess the same to you.

Here is what I mean. A wife might describe a situation where she begged her husband not to pursue the separation beforehand. She might say: “I knew that my husband was overreacting by pursuing a separation. He tends to be dramatic sometimes when he gets angry. And I knew that this was the case. For the most part, we were happy and have a good marriage. But my husband doesn’t like how I am so supportive of my sister, so I don’t always tell him how much I support her and I sometimes omit financial support that I slip her here and there. Well, my husband found out about this and acted as if I were the biggest liar to walk the face of the earth. He acted like I had done something so heinous to him. I told him that I was more than willing to openly discuss the issues with my family and to make any needed adjustments. This was not good enough.  My husband said that he felt that he could not trust me. This just isn’t true. This is the ONLY issue that I have kept from him and the only reason that I did is because I knew that he would overreact like this. Yes, my sister is a bit immature sometimes, but she’s really just a kid. And the money that I gave her isn’t going to break us. My sister is angry about this and says that my husband is just trying to control me. But my husband is so angry and serious about this that he moved out and said that we should separate for a while. My sister says that he is just using this as an excuse and that he must not be happy in our marriage. Well, he told our neighbor that he is second guessing his decision to separate. He told the neighbor that maybe he overreacted. However, when I state that he overreacted and that he should just move back home, he refuses and becomes indignant, saying that we haven’t given this separation enough time or effort. Why won’t he just admit that he was wrong about separating?”

Some People Are Very Invested In Being Correct: He may be very invested in feeling (or appearing) as if he is right. And he may be the kind of person who has a hard time admitting a mistake or apologizing for the same. It’s also possible that while he may realize that he’s made a potential mistake, he still wants to try to see it through and evaluate how he is feeling after some time has passed.  He may think that now that he’s made the move, he should wait to make absolutely sure that it is not the right one.  That’s why I think that it can be important not to keep pushing about this or to keep insisting that he admit that he is wrong when he’s resisting you.

Because think about it for a second: your real goal here is to get him to willingly want to come home in the spirit of working together to repair your marriage. If he only comes back because you forced him to admit he was wrong, his attitude may not be one that is open to goodwill. Instead, if you get along and have positive interactions when you are together and talk to one another, he might just naturally have a stronger realization that the mistake was a big one because he misses you. Once this happens, you won’t need to force anything out of him and you will be in a great position because you were nothing but patient and supportive.

Acknowledge Any Part That You’ve Played.  Even If The Incorrect Decision To Separate Was His: It’s important that even though you know that he overreacted, you still take responsibility for the omission about your sister and you still discuss it – like you promised that you would. I suspect that this isn’t just about this one incident with your sister. Usually when someone takes the very dramatic stance of moving out, they’ve been frustrated before and are at a point where they feel that they need to take some dramatic action to get the frustrations to stop. So, while he’s angry about your sister, he may generally feel that you put the needs of others before him or that you don’t respect him enough to tell him the truth. Listen closely to what he’s telling you and make sure that you aren’t dealing with a bigger problem.

If he truly thinks that the separation is a mistake, he will hopefully act on this in time and come home. Once he does, work on the family issue and work on conflict resolution. Because the more frequent the fighting and the separations become, the harder it gets to recover.

I know this first hand.  We got in the habit of just letting our conflict blow over time and time again.  Eventually, though, things could no longer blow over and we ended up separated.  In the end, we reconciled.  But it was very hard to recover once my husband moved out.  And I had to try various strategies until something finally worked. You can read more about the resolution on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, there aren’t any hard and fast rules of etiquette when you are separated. I don’t know of any guide or rule book. Most people sort of just feel their way and hopefully, try to approach the situation with humility, grace, and kindness. I sometimes get asked if specific situations or behaviors during a separation are “right” or “wrong.” One such example is dating your spouse while you are technically separated. People often wonder if this crosses some sort of imaginary line, is cruel, or is just confusing and hurtful to all involved.

Here’s a conversation you might hear: “I am the one who pulled the trigger on my separation, but that is mainly because I got so tired of hearing my husband always complain about how unhappy he was. I tried to make adjustments so that he wouldn’t be so miserable, but nothing worked. He kept right on complaining and so I called his bluff. And told him, fine, let’s separate then. He actually moved out, which surprised me. But in the end, I went along with it because I was curious to see what our experiences might be like. I wanted to see if we would miss one another or if one or both of us would be happier alone. I don’t think that I want a divorce, but I’m not entirely sure about that. Because I don’t want to continue on with the marriage that I have. It brings me down all of the time. But I have found that I miss my husband. So we have met for dinner several times. In fact, at this point it is just a given that we are going to eat together on Wednesday and Friday nights and maybe more. We still have sex sometimes. My friends say it is like we are dating again and some of them are skeptical about this. One of my friends says that she thinks it’s wrong to date when you are separated. She says that it might give my husband false hope – which is cruel. And she says that the whole point of a separation is to stay away from each other. Is she right? Is what I am doing wrong?”

I don’t think that it is wrong. I think that as long as both people are clear about what is happening and you are honest about any motivations or hesitations, I find it to be fine. My husband and I dated toward the end of our separation. Without this, we probably would have ended up divorced. Yes, there was sometimes misunderstandings and awkwardness as we tried to find our way. But this was preferable to avoiding and hurting one another.  My husband was very clear that the ‘dating’ didn’t necessarily mean that we would reconcile and I had to be okay with that, so it was a risk.  But we were two consenting adults.

This is only my opinion, but I believe that people get separated INSTEAD of divorced for a reason. Most of the time, it is because the couple is not sure that they are ready to end their marriage. They are hoping that somewhere in the future, things will be more clear and perhaps there might be some hope for their marriage. What better way to see this through than to continue to see your spouse?

Sure, if issues come up or if the dating becomes confusing or painful, then of course you want to be honest and address those issues. You want to treat your spouse with respect and be forthcoming.  You want to try to be clear about your own feelings, intentions, and motivations. But if you were to steer clear of one another and never interact, I’d suspect that your relationship would eventually weaken because of this.

No, you don’t need to date in order to stay in contact with your spouse. You can certainly communicate without it being romantic. But if both you and your spouse are interested in exploring whether the marriage and the romance can be saved, then I do not see the harm. I am certainly not a counselor. But in the end, resuming communications was the start of our reconciliation. Beginning to see one another helped even more. And the dating came at the very last stage – before true reconciliation took place. We certainly didn’t rush this (because my husband was not sure about what he wanted initially.) But I don’t feel that it harmed things in any way – although this will be different for each couple.

I’m certainly no expert, but I say if both people want to date, if it feels right, and if it’s having a benefit rather than harm, I think that it can be a good way to begin to inch your way back toward one another. That said, you’ll want to make sure that the dating doesn’t cause you to gloss over your problems. But sometimes, you need a break from your problems. And you need to focus on what is still right about your relationship, rather than on always what is wrong.

I can’t pretend that I didn’t have reservations about dating during our separation.  I was afraid of being hurt, but in the end, I do think that it is one of the things that saved us. The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In a perfect world and in a semi-perfect marriage, our spouse would value and prioritize us before anyone else. After all, didn’t we vow to forsake all others? However, it’s not at all unusual for me to hear from people who feel that their spouse cares about another group of people more than their spouse. It’s very common for this complaint to involve extended family – with parents and siblings being the most common.

Someone might complain about a situation like this one: “it became clear to me very quickly that I was not the most important person in my husband’s life. This happened only a couple of months after our marriage. When his sister started a new business, he gave her the money we had saved for a home. When his parents moved to live in a retirement community, we actually moved and followed them. It is like my husband can not bear for it to be just us. We eat dinner with them every Sunday. We go to the movies with them once a week. When I complain, my husband acts like I’m just being petty. He will get all indignant and say ‘but they are my family.’ And I will tell him that I am his family, too. If there is something that I want to do, it is not going to happen unless he does not have an obligation with his family. Sometimes, I get the vibe that his mother doesn’t like me and that she is really possessive of her son. She’s very smug about this, as if I will never win if I make my husband choose between the two of us. I wish we could all coexist happily, but I feel like second best all of the time. The last time I complained, my husband said that maybe his is not the family for me. He said that maybe I would be happier if we were separated or divorced so that I did not have to deal with his family. Having him draw the line like this was not my intention, but every once in a while, I would like to feel that I am most important to him – at least some of the time.”

I understand what you are saying and feeling. Everyone wants to feel as if they are deeply valued and that their feelings are considered. But when you feel as if your feelings come dead last, it’s normal to feel hurt and frustrated. At the same time, I can tell that you already suspect that drawing a line in the sand is a recipe for disaster (and your husband has basically told you as much by hinting about a separation.) If you are not really close to your family, it may be hard for you to imagine someone asking you to choose between them and your family. But if you can, try to imagine it. Your husband has known his family and been very close to them for all of his life. Asking him to change that or (even to begin to cut that off) isn’t likely to be well received.

Ideally, you want him to feel close to his family WHILE he is also close to you. This isn’t likely to happen if you demand that he cut off his family time or obligations. You have to be careful here, because it is likely that he feels protective of and defensive about his family.  Plus, he’s indicated that your marriage might be on a bit of shaky ground. The ideal is to reach a happy compromise where you feel prioritized and he feels like a good son.

Think about what bothers you the most. Is it the time obligations? The weekly get togthers? Is it that you feel like he cares about their feelings and expectations more than yours? It’s important that you define what really bothers you the most. Because you only want to ask for very specific requests designed to address EXACTLY what is bothering you.  You don’t want to just throw out a bunch of complaints because he will get defensive and tune you out. From your description, it seems that the biggest issue is that you feel that the extended family are impeding on the closeness between your husband and yourself. You want to feel that when you are together, that he is yours and yours alone – at least for some of that time. And that’s completely fair.

You might try something like this: “Honey, I know that your family is very important to you and I promise you that I am not going to try to change that. Your caring about other people’s feeling is one of the traits that makes you a very good person. What I want to address right now is that sometimes, I feel like second best. I feel like you care about their feelings more than mine. It’s not my intention to demand that we never see them or that you don’t care about them. I would never ask that. What I am asking is that we make an effort to make our time together special when it is just the two of us. We have standing times to spend with your family and I understand that. But can we also have standing times when it is just us, when it is just our time? Married couples need to love their extended families, but they also need to be families all unto themselves. Can you work with me on this?”

I think that when you make it clear that you aren’t asking him to choose, he will not have the need to get defensive. You’re also not asking him to shut his parents down. You’re just asking him to also make YOU a priority. This is not an unrealistic request. You’re simply asking for balance. Once he understands that, he might be more willing to make compromises that can make everyone happy.

I think that it would be best to address this sooner rather than later.  Ideally, you want to settle this before he starts talking about moving out or a separation.  It is harder to reconcile your marriage when you aren’t living under the same roof, although it can be done.  I know this because it is what I had to do. If it helps, you can read about how I did it on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There’s an old saying which goes: “when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family – their parents, their children, and their siblings.” Of course, when you are deeply in love, you figure that you can handle any extended family that comes your way. And sometimes, families actually get along very well and there is no conflict. But especially in the cases of blended families, things can get complicated and this can negatively affect not only your home life but also your marriage.

Someone might say: “I really wish I wouldn’t have rushed into my second marriage. I love my husband. I really do. But I was so scared of being alone. And I didn’t give him enough time to get to know my children. I just pushed them together and assumed that over time they would grow to love one another. The opposite has happened. They all seem to resent each other. The kids were not happy about the abrupt change in their life and my husband constantly tells me that my kids are brats. I will admit that I sometimes indulge them. But the divorce from my first husband and their father was really hard on them. My husband and I come from different backgrounds. He grew up poor and I did not. He resents it when I spend money on my children or when I want them to receive the best education and extracurricular activity opportunities. He acts like kids just don’t need everything that I give to mine. Of course, my kids resent that he tries to take privileges and extras away from them because of money or resentment. They feel like their father pays child support and I earn my own living, so it’s not my husband’s business what their parents do or do not give them. I suppose they have a point, but this is causing a lot of conflict in the home. No one is particularly happy. Last night, my husband said that perhaps he should ‘bow out’ of our family because he does not feel that he belongs. I asked him what ‘bow out’ meant. He said that perhaps we should separate and divorce because he does not feel respected or valued in his own home and he says that I clearly love my kids more than him. He says our family life is awful and maybe it is better if we just part ways. I can’t believe that it has come to this. I love my husband. I don’t want a divorce or separation, but I can’t deny that blending the family has been disastrous. And it really hurts me that he makes no effort with my kids. He doesn’t even try. He’d rather just ‘bow out’ than to make an effort with them. It really hurts. And I don’t know what to do now.”

Blended Families Can Thrive. But It Takes Work And Compromise: I understand why this is so painful. It really hurts when the people you love the most can not get along for your sake and don’t make the effort. That said, what you are dealing with is not at all uncommon. There are blended families that with a lot of effort,  time, and patience, do make it work. And I would like to suggest that at least giving it one more try to make it work might be worth it. You’ve said that you love your husband. And your children will not be children forever. One day, they will leave your home and have their own lives and families. If you can help it, you don’t want to be twice divorced and alone, assuming that your marriage can be a healthy one.

There is usually someplace where compromise can happen. Yes, both parties have to be willing to give some. But the results can be worth it. For example, it’s reasonable to ask your husband to allow you and your ex-husband to make some parenting decisions (including finances and activities) so long as those decisions don’t negatively impact your husband. It’s also reasonable to ask the kids to respect the wishes of your husband in his own home.

Understand Where Your Kids Are Coming From, But Be Mindful Of Boundaries: I believe that parenting decisions should be left to children’s biological parents when at all possible. Your new husband is not the kids’ father and you can’t blame the kids for not wanting him to make those decisions. They have a father and mother who are capable of that.  There is no need to complicate things by bringing an additional parent into the mix.  At the same time, your new husband loves and lives with you and deserves to be consulted and respected. An important part of this is boundaries. If all parties feel as if their boundaries are being respected, I believe that this situation might improve.

If you’d like to address this with your husband, you might try: “I don’t want you to ‘bow out.’ I want to make our marriage work. But I also want to make our home life work and, right now, that includes my children. They can’t help it that their parents divorced or that their mother remarried. I am trying to make the adjustment easier for them. Making them change their activities and life because you don’t agree with the way that they have been raised in the past is very confusing and upsetting to them. I am going to ask you to allow me to continue to parent them as I always have, as long as it doesn’t disrupt our life. You might not agree with it, but these traditions and patterns were established before we got married. I want to do right by my kids and I don’t think that it’s fair to ask them to stop their activities. Luckily, I still have the financial means to continue on, so it doesn’t affect us. At the same time, I will ask the kids to respect the rules of our home. I think that if we all respect everyone else’s boundaries, our home life might improve big time so that we all enjoy being home. My kids are not bad kids or brats. They are just having a hard time adjusting to a new life that they did not choose. Will you help me to make the transition easier for everyone? I love you and really want this to work. I think that if you took the time to know my kids, you would eventually love them as much as you love me.”

See what he has to say. He may just have been looking for reassurance that his feelings matter to you. Once you’ve made it clear that they do, he may change his behavior somewhat. You’ll want to have this same discussion with your kids.  And, depending on how it goes, counseling could be very helpful here.

It’s very important to try to work this out BEFORE he makes any rash decisions about moving out.  It’s much harder to save your marriage once your spouse moves out.  I learned this the hard way.  I was ultimately able to save my marriage, but it took longer and was more difficult than it had to be.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  One great irony of people who are having a midlife crisis is that they often don’t think that this is the case.  They usually actually think that they are improving their life with long term changes.  In other words, they often don’t look at this as a “crisis,” or as a “phase,” or as something that is going to pass.  The crisis might be obvious to their spouse, but to themselves, they often actually believe that they are on a self improvement kick rather than in any sort of crisis.

So the spouse who is not having a midlife crisis can be left with a little bit of a dilemma, especially if the spouse in crisis becomes angry when you mention this possibility.  A wife might say: “it is very obvious to everyone except for my husband that he is going through a midlife crisis.  It is obvious to our kids.  It is very obvious to me.  Our neighbors and friends joke about it.  Even his mother has admitted as much. I mean, it’s staring us all in the face.  He’s started dressing in clothes that are way too young and small for him.  He’s been trying to work out.  He got a new car.  He hangs out with people who act as silly as he does.  He’s now started to talk about seeing other people or separating.  The other day, when he brought this up again, I got really frustrated and rolled my eyes.  He told me that if I had something to say to him, that I should just go ahead and say it.  I told him that all I was trying to do was to get through his midlife crisis and that I was living for the day that he would come to his senses and this would all pass.  He became very angry and denied that he was going through any crisis.  He insisted that he was just taking inventory of his life and making changes.  He said if I’m waiting for this to pass, then I am going to be waiting for a long time.  The ironic thing is that his brother went through the very same thing and we used to laugh about it.  My husband specifically called what his brother was going through a midlife crisis.  But I guess it is different when it is him.  I am not sure how to make him understand that he is absolutely one hundred percent having a midlife crisis when every time I merely say the word, he gets angry and defensive.”

I totally get your frustration.  But I’m not sure that your husband will ever want to willingly admit he’s having any type of crisis even if, deep in his heart, he knows that it is true.  Why?  For the very same reason that you and your husband laughed at his brother.  Middle aged men who are seen as going through this are kind of seen as pathetic.  And no one wants to be thought of in that way.  So anyone would get defensive at the implication.

The good news is that you don’t have to get him to admit it (or even realize it) in order to move past it.  Sometimes, you just have to wait it out, or perhaps seek counseling, or work with what you have.  In my experience, you will get a better result if you approach it in the way that he is hinting that you should – that you go along with the idea that he’s trying to improve his life.  Don’t announce that you think that this will pass.  Just keep that thought to yourself for now.  You want his defenses down, not up, so that he will work with you and not against you.

I know that it’s sometimes hard not to make comments or judgements about all of the changes that you see.  But in the grand scheme of things, you have to ask yourself which changes are the most troublesome.  For example, the working out and new clothes probably isn’t hurting anyone, but the talk of seeing other people and separating could potentially hurt multiple people.  So in order to keep the separation from happening, you might have to back down on the things that technically aren’t hurting anyone and are likely to fizzle out on their own in time.  (One day he might realize that he’s tired of working out and that the new car is silly.  You didn’t have to do anything in order for this to happen and you didn’t alienate him because you didn’t bring it up.)  That’s why it’s important to realize when you have bigger fish to fry.

I’d place my attention to the place where there is the most risk.  And that is your marriage.  You can try to stall him on the separation.  You can ask him to seek counseling with you.  You could try to make improvements to the marriage and hope that this is enough to turn the tide.  Or you could do any combination of these things.  But I think that it is best to be proactive.  Sure, it’s smart to know that this phase should pass.  Because it often does.  But it’s probably not smart to just wait around and to hesitate to make improvements while you are waiting.

The short answer to the original question is that if he is resistant to admitting a midlife crisis (and if it would damage your marriage more to keep pushing him about it,) then take it off the table for now.  This is likely an embarrassing issue for him. You might one day hear him admit that he was being silly and having a crisis.  But you don’t need to risk your marriage in order to get that admission right this second. It’s better to try to portray yourself as a supportive and loving spouse for the sake of saving or improving your marriage during this vulnerable time.

I made the mistake of trying to point out my own husband’s flaws in thinking before and during our separation, but it only backfired.  In order to save my marriage, I had to learn to play the game.  And by that I mean the long game and not the short game.  You play chess.  Not checkers.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can seem as if many days are difficult and confusing during a martial or trial separation, but special occasions can be particularly difficult. Not only can they be lonely and confusing, but they can leave you scrambling to figure out just how you are supposed to celebrate them. One holiday that can be quite confusing and wrought with anxiety is your spouse’s birthday.

You can be left wondering if you should try to overcompensate to show your spouse just how much he still means to you (especially if you are hoping for a reconciliation.) Or you may be tempted to tone it down this year, but then you may worry that your spouse will think that you don’t care enough (when you know that in fact you do care very much.)

Someone might ask about a scenario like this one: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks. Things haven’t been going as well as I might have hoped. I had hoped that we would be reconciled by now, but we aren’t even close to that reality. My husband is very standoffish toward me. He acts as if I bother him all of the time. His birthday is next week. Normally, I would go all out. I would carefully choose a gift that showed my husband that I know him well, that I know what he values, and that I know what is going on with his life. I would also either make him a special dinner or take him out for a special one. However, I hesitate to do all of this now. I worry that he is going to take it like I’m doing too much or pushing myself into his personal space when he’s asked me to step back some. When I think about this, then I’m tempted just to get him a very generic card and then sign that same card in a very generic way. I talked to my mother about this and she said the problem with that strategy is that my husband might think that I don’t care at all or that I’m punishing him with my lack of a gift. So it seems as if I am going to run into a problem either way. I wish everything wasn’t always so hard with this separation. I wish I could just celebrate his birthday with an open heart and enthusiasm like I used to, but I feel as if it’s just a minefield of things to wade through now. Everything is so complicated.”

I totally understand your frustration. I too had a lot of confusion when it came to special occasions during my own separation. My first attempt at it went badly because I proceeded as though we weren’t separated and I certainly did not get the reaction that I wanted from my husband. It was then that I decided to back off, but I just could not bear to pretend that his birthday wasn’t a special occasion or that I did not care. That strategy didn’t feel remotely authentic or genuine to me and I could not bring myself to do this. So I did celebrate, but I dialed it back. I got a gift which I knew that my husband would actually really like, but I did not go overboard in terms of expense. And I did give a heartfelt card, just like always. Except this time, it wasn’t a mushy, love-themed card and I basically signed it with a note that said although things weren’t going perfectly and things were uncertain, I still hoped my husband had a wonderful day and I still wanted him to know how much he meant to me and always would. I figured this respected my need to be authentic and his need for space. It was as happy a compromise as there was at the time. The gift was as well-received as was possible at that time. And it didn’t create a lot of awkwardness because I wasn’t putting a lot of importance on it – as I normally would have.

If you’re still invested in your marriage, or your husband, or even maintaining a good relationship, I personally don’t think that it’s the best idea to just pretend that birthdays or special occasions don’t exist. Not at least acknowledging them could create hurt feelings or misunderstandings – which are two things that you just don’t need right now. This is only my opinion (and of course the individual circumstances need to be considered,) but I think that it can work when you acknowledge the occasion and wish your spouse the best in a genuine way which is adjusted so that you know that he will receive the message without the awkwardness.

Again, this is just my own experience.  But I know if I had celebrated my own husband’s birthday like usual, he would have resisted and I would have had hurt feelings.  I learned this lesson the hard way, when my overzealousness really hurt my chances for a  reconciliation.  I finally got it together, but there were some disastrous times along the way.  You can read more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When we are first separated and struggling greatly, we often wish for any spark of hope that things might improve.  We often make little deals with ourselves.  We’ll tell ourselves that we will scale back our hopes and make our goals a little more gradual and realistic.  For example, maybe we will tell ourselves that we won’t shoot for an instant reconciliation.  Perhaps we won’t even push for our spouse to come home immediately.  Heck, we’ll just settle for regular contact and gradual improvement.  And once we change our mindset, we will often also see some improvement.  But once that improvement actually happens, it can be VERY difficult to reign in your hope.  Because you can literally feel success right out in front of you.  Still, common sense tells you that if you push too much, you might actually scare your husband off.  So you intellectually know that you have to be patient.  But actually carrying this out can be so much more difficult than you might have imagined.

Someone might say: “when my husband first left, I made it my goal to have him back home within three weeks at the most.  It became apparent right away that this was unrealistic.  The more I talked about his coming home, the more he started to avoid me.  Eventually, it became apparent to me that if I wanted to be around my husband, I was going to have to take moving back home off the table.  And that is exactly what I did.  Instead, I just tried to make it a nice experience when we were around one another and I tried very hard not to pressure him.  Sure, I had these thoughts of reconciliation in my brain when we were together.  But for once, I just didn’t let the thoughts come out of my mouth.  I can’t believe it’s been almost three months that we’ve been separated.  And finally, finally, my husband has started saying things like ‘when I come home.’  However, he never quantifies when this might be.  I am too scared to ask.  I am scared that he will avoid me like he used to.  I have learned from difficult experience that it is best not to pressure him.  So I have vowed to be patient and to let him come home in his own time.  But I am really struggling.  This is going to sound silly.  But you know how when you were a child and when Christmas got closer and closer, it became more and more difficult not to focus on the anticipation?  Well, that’s how it is for me now.  I can think of nothing other than his coming home.  But I don’t want to show him this.  So I try to be patient, but it’s very difficult.  How are people in my situation so patient?  What is the secret?”

I’m not sure there’s a secret that will work for every one.  I suspect that this is pretty individual. But I’m happy to share what (sort of) worked for me.  I was kind of in the same situation, except for it took me far too long to realize that I shouldn’t pressure my husband.  I did a lot of damage.  So when there was progress, I was EXTREMELY careful to not presume anything at all.  I made my husband broach moving home and I was so superstitious about things and afraid of ruining it that I didn’t try to rush at all.  If anything, I delayed out of fear of something going wrong.  But none of this meant that I didn’t want him home IMMEDIATELY.  Still, I knew that it was in my best interest to be patient.

So I continued on with things that had worked while my husband was avoiding me.  I volunteered.  I made friends and family a priority.  I spent a lot of time on hobbies.  It sounds like I was trying to divert my attention elsewhere, right?  I suppose I was.  But I was also doing the things that I had found made me feel contented.  And, when my husband and I were together, I reminded myself to live in the moment.  Because I had learned that you can’t ever take anything for granted.  You don’t know what tomorrow brings.  So if you and your husband are enjoying a nice dinner – than focus right on the dinner laid out before you.  Not tomorrow.  Not next week.  Not next month. Not even on dessert.  Just the dinner.

Another thing that really helped was that my husband and I gradually increased his time home.  At first, he only spent stray nights at home.  Then it became weekends.  Then he started going to work from our home for some of the work week.  It eventually got to the point where he was basically living at home a lot of the time.  But we hadn’t made any official announcement and he hadn’t proclaimed that he’d “moved back in.”  By that time, we’d spent so much time together, that we were confident that it was going to work and that we didn’t need to make any announcements just to make ourselves feel better.

If you haven’t started the gradual process of having him spend more time at home, I’d highly recommend this.  I can’t imagine how things might have gone if – after spending such a long time apart – my husband suddenly showed up to move back in full time.  It would have been awkward and a little jarring.  It probably also would have been a bigger risk.  That’s why I think that gradual is better.  And this helps with patience too.  Because you’re always having little things to look forward to so that you’re not feeling deprived until the actual move in day.

Again, this is just what worked for me.  I can’t say that it wasn’t hard.  I wanted him to come home so very badly.  But I firmly feel that waiting is at least part of why we are still together today.  You can read more about our reconciliation after separation on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who used to be very clear on the fact that they would take their separated husbands back in an instant, at least initially. However, some are surprised to find that the longer the separation goes on, the more they come to learn about themselves and about their own wishes and requirements. Many are surprised to find that they have a little bit of hesitation when their separated husband finally brings up reconciling or coming home.

Someone might say: “I begged my husband not to pursue a separation, but he persisted. He said that we had become two different people and that we fought all the time. I agreed with the fighting part. I did not agree with the ‘two different people’ part. And I thought that we could work out our differences in regards to fighting. He didn’t listen to me though, and he moved out around nine weeks ago. At first, I was climbing the walls. I missed him so much. I did everything in my power to get him back. He resisted me and I honestly thought that we might end up divorced. About four weeks ago, we started meeting once a week. I tried not to read too much into it. And, much to my surprise, I wasn’t as excited about it as I thought I might be. The meetings have gone okay, and as a result my husband wants to move back home. I can’t believe that I am going to say this, but now I have the slightest bit of hesitation and doubt about it. Having that time apart made me realize that the fighting was bringing me down and negatively affecting my quality of life. Now that I’m not dealing with the fighting anymore, I have to admit that I am happier. And I see that my husband did have a point about us being two very different people. From what I hear, he’s going out all of the time and I’m enjoying my quiet time at home, which I crave. It seems that we crave different things. Don’t get me wrong. I desperately miss my husband. And in a perfect world, I would want us together. But I wonder if now is the right time for us to reconcile. I wonder if these doubts are trying to tell me something. Should I go back with him?”

Honestly, only you are in the position to answer this question. I’m happy to give you some things to think about, but ultimately, you are uniquely qualified to know what you truly feel and want.

Consideration Number One: How Much Repair Or Rehabilitation Has Taken Place?: Basically, both you and your husband have identified two problems: the arguing and the fact that you have different personalities. In order to predict your successful reconciliation, you want to know that you have at least started to make progress in these areas. Have you learned to negotiate your problems in a different way so that you’ll no longer fight as much? Have you removed or resolved the problems so that the conflict is substantially diminished? Have you come up with compromises and ways to mold your different personalities so that these differences are assets instead of a liabilities? If you haven’t yet done these things, you’ll probably want to get started. Because once you make progress with these improvements, the doubts should start to wane and your confidence level should go way up. Anything that you can do to remove what lead to the separation in the first place will go a long way toward reassuring you that a reconciliation might actually work.

Have You Started A Gradual Transition Back Home?: I wish I could tell you that every one who reaches out to me and recounts their reconciliation has a wonderful, easy time and lives happily ever after. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Some couples just don’t make it. The marriage doesn’t recover and in some cases suffers additional damage when the reconciliation fails. I have noticed that those reconciliations that do make it (mine included) often move gradually rather than quickly. As you already know, there are commonly doubts. And these doubts are often there for both people. One easy and effective way to quell these doubts is to try the reconciliation on for size without making the stakes quite as high. Start with an overnight visit. Then a weekend. Then a holiday. If things go badly, take a break and evaluate what went wrong. The idea is to go very slowly, making the needed adjustments as you go. This puts less pressure on the situation and gives the luxury of time and perspective so that you get it right.

Once you done both things (meaning that you’ve fixed the issues and moved toward a reconciliation gradually,) your feelings should be much more clear. You should be able to clearly see any remaining issues and any places where you still need work. And it should also be clear as to how you feel about doing this remaining work. If you’re enthusiastic about it and feel encouraged, despite your fears, then this is a very good sign that your heart and your gut is telling you that it’s the right time to move forward with a reconciliation. If you still have some doubts, this DOESN’T necessarily mean that you shouldn’t reconcile. But it could mean that you just have a little more work to do or need to move at a more gradual pace. Many couples are able to work through their problems, stop the fighting, and make different personalities work. And, as you do the work toward reconciliation, it should be more clear to you if you WANT to be among those couples.

I was always pretty sure that I wanted and needed to reconcile.  But I absolutely had fears and doubts.  I moved forward anyway (although I did this very gradually) because I knew that I just didn’t want to live the rest of my life without my husband.  You can read more about our reconciliation on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal for separated spouses to watch each other very closely for signs of loneliness during the martial or trial separation. We aren’t always sure if the loneliness is good or bad – but at least we know that it could mean that our spouse isn’t having the time of their lives without us.

Another thing that can be confusing is why the separated spouse may choose to welcome or dwell in the loneliness when they don’t necessarily have to. Sometimes, the other spouse would be more than happy to keep the lonely spouse company or to offer companionship. But the lonely spouse chooses to remain alone. Here’s an example: A wife might say: “my husband and I have been separated for around six weeks. This was his choice. I know that we have problems, but I honestly think that we could have handled this at home without needing to make a huge, big deal of it. My husband disagreed and demanded to move out and leave home. I have always thought that this was wasteful, unnecessary, and a mistake. And honestly, I thought that my husband agreed about it being a mistake because right away, it seemed pretty obvious that he wasn’t happy. My sister lives in the same apartment complex as him and every time she sees him, she says he looks as if he is going to cry. He even admitted to her that the separation hasn’t been the relief that he thought that it was going to be. A couple of days after this, I called my husband and I was not surprised to hear that he sounded a little down. So I asked him what was wrong and he freely admitted that he was ‘feeling a little lonely.’ I immediately saw this as an opportunity and seized on it and asked him out to lunch. He feigned being busy. I told him to give me a call if he changed his mind. I frankly anticipated that I would hear from him, but I never did. I don’t understand this at all. We aren’t on bad terms. We had issues with our marriage so we (or he) decided to take a break, but we have always been cordial and friendly. I would have been extremely supportive of my husband if we had met for lunch and I’m pretty sure that he knows this. In fact, this thought propelled me to send him a text offering to meet him for coffee. I didn’t mention the loneliness. I just asked if he wanted to meet. He turned me down again by saying that he is busy. I don’t get it. He’s whined about being lonely, but he has a perfectly willing wife who could relieve this. Why won’t he take me up on my offer? Does he just not want to connect with me at all? Does he just prefer to be lonely?”

Your husband is the person who could best answer these questions. But I can certainly give you some theories, having gone through this myself and dialoguing with a lot of folks going through this. I can tell you that some men in this situation are tempted (and perhaps would like) to get together with their separated spouse. They know that this might help to ease the loneliness and to make them feel better. But they worry about what the implications might be of this. They worry that both of you might be confused by the gesture. They worry that they might be rushing things. They may feel that they should just allow the loneliness to take its course or to see where it might lead.

Some of them feel too proud to allow you to help them feel better. After all, they were the ones who insisted on pursuing the separation when you told them that it was a mistake. So, admitting the loneliness might seem bad enough. But what might be even worse than admitting loneliness is presenting themselves with their tail between their legs and coming to you for comfort. Their pride might not allow this right now. But that doesn’t mean that this perception won’t change in time.

While I know that it is probably tempting to keep trying to push him, I think that particular strategy might be a mistake. He’s obviously resisting for whatever reason, so pushing might cause him to be even more stubborn. I think that it’s best to make it clear that you are there if he changes his mind, but then to drop it. When there isn’t so much attention on it, he may eventually get a little more comfortable approaching you. Plus, he may be intentionally giving it a bit more time to see if his feelings are going to change. When they don’t, you’ve given him no reason at all not to feel comfortable reaching out to you. Because you didn’t push. You weren’t condescending. You didn’t remind him that you told him that the separation was a mistake. You were nothing but supportive and were motivated by your concern for him. When you take this stance, he has nothing to hold against you and no reason for resentment. Sure, he may be taking his time coming around. But eventually, he may realize his mistake and also come to understand that you are not going to constantly remind him of his miscalculation, but instead do your best to help him.

I know that it’s hard not to push and rush when you suspect that you see an opportunity.  But I know from experience that pushing will often just make a husband back away even more.  Pushing was one of the worst things that I did during my own separation and it almost meant a divorce. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s safe to say that we all feel a sense of disappointment, sadness, and frustration during our marital separation. There can also sometimes be loneliness and even desperation. It’s very hard to not know what might lay ahead for you and your marriage. And sometimes, there is a particularly strong emotion that not every one anticipates – anger.

Sure, it’s normal to feel angry if you or your spouse did something heinous or acted in such a way to bring on the separation. But sometimes, you may find that you or your spouse didn’t do anything horrible and yet, the anger remains. Worse, this anger is clouding your interactions with your spouse, which is a problem when you want to save your marriage.

Someone might say: “I want to make clear right away that my husband is not a bad guy. He really is not. At all other times in my life, I’ve been very clear on the fact that he is a high quality human being. Everyone knows that he is an upstanding guy. But right now, while we are on a trial separation, I am mad at him. There, I have said it. I notice that I have a lot of anger that is sort of bubbling inside of me and waiting to just spill toward the surface. He didn’t cheat on me or anything like that. But he certainly began to take me for granted and to distance himself. Still, it wasn’t me who wanted the separation. It was him. It was him who was willing to allow our children to see their parents living apart. It is him who has our kids eating dinner and going to bed without their father in the house. It is him who gets to go to the gym after work and go out with friends while I am the one who does the parenting. Basically he gets to decide that his life isn’t perfect and he’s the one who gets to put his family on pause for a while. This makes me feel very angry and resentful. So when I’m with him, I can’t help it when I’m frosty. This isn’t ideal because I know that it hurts our chances of reconciling, which is what I ultimately want – especially for our children. But every time I see or interact with him, I can almost feel my blood boil. He looks so nice and relaxed and I am hurried and stressed because of all of the responsibility heaped upon me. I know that I have to set this aside, but I can’t seem to do it. How do I get control of my anger right now?”

I know how you feel. I had a good deal of anger during my own separation. A lot of that stemmed from the fact that I felt that I had no control over what happened. No matter what I tried, I felt rejected and as a result I got angry. I also felt like my husband held all of the cards. And if I am being honest, after a while of nothing ever going right, you just lose your cool sometimes. But you know that you have to stop this cycle if your marriage ever stands a chance. Below are some things that I found to be somewhat helpful. Once my husband and I began connecting again, of course, my anger started to fade.

Limit Your Exposure When You Are Really Angry: I used to hope that once I spent more time around my husband, I would see that I was putting a negative spin on things and therefore my anger would fade. But I found that this wasn’t the case. Perhaps my frame of mind wasn’t at a point where it was ready to be changed. But my husband just wouldn’t budge in terms of his attitude toward me. And I couldn’t find any silver lining in that at the time. No matter how much I tried to relax or “let go,” it was very difficult not to let my emotions show, which only made things worse. Looking back now, I should have just limited my contact during those times. Contact at that time only made things worse anyway. If you are truly seething and you can feel that it won’t get better, it’s better to just wait until you feel a shift.

Find Another Way To Vent That Anger: As tempting as it is to engage in order to fuel a confrontation, in my experience, there are better ways to release that anger. It took me far too long to realize that physical exercise was one of the most effective ways to do this. I sometimes found tranquility in classical music, doing crafts, or journaling. But exercise was the option that allowed me to dwell the least, which is why I came to prefer it.

Know That As Things Get Better, Your Anger May Fade: When you are in the middle of a separation, it can feel like nothing is ever going to change. You can start to believe that things are only going to deteriorate from here. But things do sometimes get better. In time, both people can come to communicate better and to allow the pettiness and resentment to drop away. When this happens, there isn’t the need for anger. And it really does feel so good to just drop it. Sometimes, you just have to know that better days are likely ahead. Being in a state of constant anger is no fun and is draining. As often as you can, give yourself beautiful, uplifting, comforting things to experience and know that in time, things will likely shift and won’t feel as immediate. Give it some time. But also tell yourself that feelings don’t necessarily translate into actions. Sure, you may feel angry. But that doesn’t mean you have to act on the anger. You just have to find the most positive way to release it so that you can move toward better days.

But yes, when my separation was fresh, I had plenty of anger and resentment.  I had to stop clinging to so many things in order to make progress on both myself and on my marriage.  Once I realized this, many obstacles fell away and we eventually reconciled.  The rest of the story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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