Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest challenges that separated wives face is enticing back a husband who just doesn’t seem interested in the marriage anymore.  Often, your initial efforts fall on deaf ears.  As a result, you can become more and more desperate to get the attention of your husband, which might lead you to do things that would not normally be typical of you.  And when even this doesn’t work, you begin to wonder if it’s even possible to get him interested again.

Someone might lament: “as soon as my husband decided that he wanted a separation, it was as if I didn’t exist for him anymore.  He no longer seemed to care about me.  I had to hound him to take my calls and he never, ever called me.  A couple of times, I offered to make him dinner or I invited him out to dinner.  He always declined. I tried making family plans with his mother and father, thinking that this might bring us closer together.   He declined when I was involved, but he later went on the trip with his parents anyway.  When it became clear that he didn’t seem very interested in our marriage, I tried to remind him that we were indeed married by suggesting that we go to marriage counseling with the preacher who married us.  Again, my husband will attend church on his own, but will not go to church counseling with me.  He seems completely uninterested in anything that has to do with myself or with our marriage.  A few weeks ago, I got desperate and got dressed up and went to the gym where I know that he works out.  It is an understatement when I say that he was not at all happy to see me.  I desperately want to save my marriage, but I can’t seem to get my husband’s attention or get him interested in me.  Is there any way to get my husband back when he’s just not interested?”

I believe that there is a way, at least some of the time, because my own husband could not have been less interested for much of our separation and yet I was able to get him back eventually.  It took much longer than I wanted, but I think that part of the delay was because of my ratcheting up my efforts when I perceived that I was being ignored.  The more that he ignored me, the more outlandish my attempts to get his attention became.  Eventually, he was just avoiding me all together.  So I would to work very hard to undo the mess that I had made.

And weirdly, one way that I started to get his attention was that I stopped trying.  I eventually got so discouraged that I just decided to back off for a while because I could not face the thought of more rejection.  I told him where I was going, but it was clear that I would be out of touch.  After a bit of this change in strategy, it was him that started reaching out to me.  When I saw that this strategy might be working, I continued to hang back more. And while I certainly can’t claim that he was suddenly so interested that he wanted an immediate reconciliation, what I can say is that he began to reach out to me a little more so that gradually we talked and saw one another much more frequently.

I saw this opportunity for what it was – a chance to try to gain some ground.  But I had to be very careful.  Sometimes my relief and enthusiasm would get me into trouble.  If I started to come on too strongly again, my husband’s interest would once again wane and then I would have to start all over again.  It is much better to maintain than to have to pick up the pieces over and over again.  So to the extent that you can, when you see a lack of interest, take another tactic or back off some.  When you get a response and he indicates even a small amount of interest again, take full advantage of that opportunity.  Make every interaction count, but don’t overdo it.  You want for your interactions to be light hearted and pleasurable.  Because if you can keep them that way, he will want to have more of them.  Your goal should be to slowly build upon each interaction so that they are happening regularly and, by default, he has interest without your needing to act desperate or having to do over-the-top things.

This whole process may take a while.  I can’t promise that he will immediately show an interest when you change tactics.  But in my experience, it can get to the point where you have no other choice.  If your current strategy is getting you nothing but a lack of interest or worse, him avoiding you, then it makes sense to try something new.  In my own case, I just stopped trying to force his interest in me.  And that made all of the difference.  You can read the rest of the story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who firmly feel that their husband’s state of mind has a lot to do with their current marital separation. Many could not help but notice that their husband became depressed and unhappy just before he pushed to separate. Of course, these wives are concerned not only for their husband, but for their marriage as well. And they worry that his depressed state of mind will impede a reconciliation.

Someone might say: “I will admit right off the bat that my husband has never been a bubbly, happy person. I would never call my husband an optimist. But before now, I never would have called him a pessimist, either. He’s just really realistic and matter-of-fact. And that’s okay because I was always really optimistic and upbeat so we balanced each other out. But for the past six months or so, there has been no balancing him out. He’s gone beyond realistic and even beyond pessimistic. Frankly, he seems depressed. And there hasn’t been some awful thing that has happened. No one has died or lost their job. I think that his job responsibilities are becoming more and more stressful as he takes on more and more important tasks, but I think that this is true of everyone. Along with his depression came his dissatisfaction with our marriage. It seemed as if he suddenly thought that everything in his life was terrible or needed some serious improvement. He told me that he was going to move out for a while, but he has kept his promise to keep in touch. He seems to really want to talk to me and to depend on our conversations, even. When I’m not available, he gets antsy as though I ground him or something. However, it’s not as if he appreciates this like he should because when I ask him about coming back home, he always refuses and says that he’s no good to anyone right now. I am going to go to counseling on my own and I have asked him to get his own counselor, but he denies that there is any major problem. In his mind, he’s just going through a rough period in life right now, which he will eventually get over. But my friends say that they feel like his depression will be the end of our marriage because they say they’ve never seen a depressed man come back home and then be happy in his marriage again. They say that once he becomes unhappy and depressed, he stays that way. Are they right?”

I do not think that one bout of unhappiness sentences anyone to a lifetime of unhappiness, although I do concede that some people have a hard time getting over the hump. That’s why I applaud your willingness to seek counseling. It’s interesting that your husband seems to need to talk. This is important information. It’s unfortunate that he’s only willing to talk to you and not to a counselor. I would ask him if he would accompany you when you go to counseling, in the hopes that he will become comfortable with your counselor so that he might eventually go on his own. If not, then perhaps your counselor can incorporate some of his issues into your sessions (especially if you discuss it with your counselor ahead of time.) I have seen people make a complete, 180-degree improvement with their depression and unhappiness due to counseling. I’ve also seen them return to their marriages once they realize that their marriage wasn’t really the problem in the first place. Often, they are basically looking to the person closest to them on whom to assign some of the blame, because that is just the most convenient target. Often, the separation will eventually show them that removing that person isn’t necessarily fixing their unhappiness. I suspect that your husband may be experiencing this already (even if he doesn’t realize it,) demonstrated by his need to talk to you in order to unburden himself of some of his issues.

If he resists calling this depression, I don’t think that you necessarily need to push or to demand that he admit that he’s depressed and struggling. Instead, you want to be very supportive, since depression can be very serious. If he is comfortable talking to you, then keep listening, but always try to steer him toward a professional, who is better qualified to help him – even if that means taking him along on your own visits. No one wants to admit that they are struggling or might be depressed, but most people will accompany their spouse to an appointment if asked. To answer the original question, though, yes, I have seen depressed spouses eventually come back home once they work through some issues or realize that “home” and “marriage” wasn’t the original problem in the first place. Typically, though, they will realize this more quickly and enthusiastically if they have counseling or at least some help with identifying and then working on the core issues. Many of us just don’t have the self awareness or expertise required to get ourselves over the hump all alone. And that is where a loving spouse comes in – to help steer him in the direction that he needs to go while offering support and understanding.

Neither my husband’s nor my own state of mind was ideal before and during our separation.  There was a lot of stress and perhaps this contributed to us taking so long to finally get it together.  Through my own determination, we thankfully eventually reconciled. There’s more at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who worry that saving their marriage in the midst of a martial separation is going to be nearly impossible. If it were up to the wives themselves, a reconciliation would happen tomorrow. But the wives are dealing with reluctant husbands who just do not seem drawn back to the marriage in any way. Because of this, the wife wonders just what type of miracle it is going to take to save her marriage. She might say: “I am at a loss as to how I am going to turn things around in regards to my marriage. I know that many couples stick it out because they have kids. I wish we had children, but we do not. I also know that many couples stick together because they have a strong sense of commitment. Well, I have this. But my husband does not. At the first sign of trouble, he left me and pursued a separation. I have tried many different things to make him come back, but so far I have not had any luck. I look at many of my friends who reconciled and I’m discouraged because I don’t have the things that made their marriage savable. I don’t have kids. Or a husband who is desperate to get back together with me. What makes a marriage savable during a separation when there aren’t kids or people who are super committed?”

I understand why you feel that your situation is a challenge, but I’d like to offer you a little bit of encouragement. I most definitely did not have a husband who was desperate to get back together with me, either. Nor did I have a houseful of kids. In fact, I had a husband who would barely speak to me. Or acknowledge me. And who was pretty much avoiding me. And yet, I eventually was able to reconcile with him. Why?  Perhaps because of a huge amount of stubbornness on my part. Perhaps because of dumb luck. Or because of a plan that finally worked. Below, I’ll list some things that are helpful in saving a marriage during a separation. However, I’d preface this with saying that I’ve seen marriages saved when none of these were initially present. Things do change. People can start off hating one another and then change their minds during the course of the separation.

One Person Who Doesn’t Give Up: As I alluded to, I don’t think that you always need two people who are equally on board to save the marriage. My husband was not interested at all initially. I had to pretty much just hold on all by myself. It was extremely lonely and disheartening at times. But if I had given up, where would be today? That said, some people initially aren’t interested in their marriage, but change their minds later. Eventually, you need for one person to maintain an interest so that both people don’t give up.

The Right Attitude At The Right Time: I have come to accept that if I had continued to pressure my husband and if I had acted as desperate as I did in the beginning, we likely never would have reconciled. At the same time, if I had been very laid back at the beginning of my separation, this may not have worked, either. I had to observe my husband’s reactions and behaviors in order to determine what was working for me and what wasn’t. This took a little while. Once I was able to see a pattern, I was able to come up with a plan and formulate behaviors that were most likely to get the desired reaction out of my husband. I know that this might sound entirely too strategic when you’re talking about your marriage. Unfortunately, in my experience, there is sometimes strategy involved. That is just the unfortunate truth. Of course, you want to be as honest and as forthcoming as you can. But you also have to act in the way most likely to save your marriage. And frankly, if I had acted 100 percent honest all of the time, I would have come off as very desperate. I had to dial it back for the sake of my marriage.

A Willingness To Do Something New: No matter how willing you are to save your marriage, you have to face that you separated for a reason. You are going to have to be willing to fix whatever was broken in order to ensure that your reconciliation lasts and that your marriage endures. It’s so tempting to skip this step because your marriage can feel quite vulnerable. (And I agree that you shouldn’t rush this step. You shouldn’t pick your marriage apart when you’ve only recently saved it.) But you do need to always be on the look out for ways that you can improve things and for ways to keep your marriage from faltering again. Because you don’t want to have to ever deal with another separation. You want to save your marriage ONCE and never again.

Learning the right combination of behaviors was not easy.  And there was definitely a time when I thought my marriage was never going to be savable.  But luckily, I’m very stubborn.  You can read more about how I managed a reconciliation (when all seemed lost) on my blog at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s an unfair irony: Sometimes it seems like the more motivated you are to reconcile with your separated spouse, the less motivated he is to reconcile with you.  You try to push, he pulls away.  You ask to see him more, he makes a point to see you less.  When you finally get frustrated and demand to know why he was avoiding you, he may proclaim that you are coming on too strong.  This can be a hard truth.  On the one hand, you may have a natural inclination to panic and to feel that you need to keep reminding him of your marriage and of yourself.  On the other hand, when you do this, he clearly gets annoyed and pushes you away.  You may know that you have to try another tactic, but you don’t quite know how.

A wife might say: “I am really struggling right now. I am so afraid to lose my marriage.  My husband moved out six weeks ago. With every week, I get more and more afraid.  He started out promising that he would see me often.  This lasted for about a week and the visits got less and less.  At this point, I have to pester him in order to be able to see him.  If we are going to talk on the phone, I am the one who is going to call.  But he’s clearly not thrilled to be talking to me.  The more he brushes me off, the more desperate I am to get his attention.  So I start asking to see him more.  Yesterday, he told me that we needed to limit contact for a few days because he just needed some space.  I asked him why he needs space because we are married.  Then he blurted out: ‘this is most of the problem right now.  You are so pushy. I don’t get a moment’s peace and you will not take a hint.  Maybe if you gave me some peace, you’d get more of my time.’  So now it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to interact with me as much. And I admit that I am pushy sometimes.  But only because I have to be in order to get a reaction out of him.  I don’t know how to be not pushy.  How can I just sit back passively when I’m going to lose my marriage? Am I just supposed to watch as everything that I love slips away? I’m not supposed to try to save it?”

This truth regarding this issue can be really harsh to understand.  I had a very hard time getting it through my head during my own separation.  But when your husband is resistant to your attempts, often the best thing that you can do is to stop whatever unsuccessful strategy that you’re using. I know that this is counterintuitive.  Because what you really want to do is to try harder.  He doesn’t pick up your calls?  Well, you’ll keep calling over and over again.  He doesn’t hear you?  Well, you’ll talk louder or more forcefully.  But what you don’t realize at the time is that you are digging a larger hole for yourself.  The more he pulls away, the harder it can be to direct him back.

I know that it’s very hard to back away.  I know that it’s very hard to put the phone back in the cradle when you very badly want to use it to call once again.  But in my own experience,  being able to do this saved my marriage. If I had not backed off, I do not believe that I would still be married today.  My husband was literally avoiding me like I had a communicable disease. The more I tried to get his attention, the less attention he would give me.

I know that it’s hard to back away when you feel so desperate.  And sometimes, you literally have to take it day by day or hour by hour.  You have to consciously get yourself out of the house, you have to go out with your friends, and you have to remove the temptations to revert back to old ways.  Basically you have to make it very hard for you to carrying out the pushiness.  In my own case, I went to a different town to visit because I knew that this would mean that I wouldn’t drive by and that I would be too embarrassed to repeatedly call with other people around.  And thankfully, he responded and he called me.  He reached out to me, which hadn’t happened before.  This was probably one of the biggest reasons that I was able to keep going.  I saw that it was working.  I saw that it was the right thing.

After that, I had to balance things.  When things would turn positive and my husband was receptive, I would get all excited and I would over step again.  I had to constantly check myself.  But I learned to look at it like this:  We were separated and if there was a behavior (like overspending) that I absolutely knew drove my husband crazy and was a big reason for the distance between us, I would stop.  In truth, my pushing was that behavior – just like overspending might be for someone else.  So even though the pushing was understandable, to my husband, it was a very undesirable behavior and a potential deal breaker.  So I knew that I had to stop.  It was not easy, but it made all of the difference. I honestly think that it is why we are still together today.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel that if their spouse would just give them one more chance, they could successfully save their marriage.  They have often begged, pleaded, made promises, and generally just tried to find a way back into their spouse’s heart with no success.  They often don’t understand what harm it would do to just allow that one last try before you concede that the marriage is over for good.

I heard from a wife who said: “I will admit that I have made a lot of mistakes in my marriage.  I have taken my husband for granted.  I haven’t always been the most responsible spouse.  I have been immature and selfish.  And although I never technically cheated, I have flirted with other people just to get attention.  However, when I saw that these things were hurting my marriage to the point where I might lose my husband, I immediately took notice and promised big changes.  At first, my husband agreed to this but warned me that I had hurt him badly and that he was losing his patience.  I acknowledged this.  But, a week later he told me that he had reconsidered and that he thinks it would just be easier and would make more sense if we would just end our marriage.  He said that he now has trust issues with me and that he doubts that I will really ever change who I am.  He says he pictures himself growing old in a marriage that doesn’t take as much work as ours and that he wants to start over before he becomes angry and bitter.  I begged him to give me one more chance.  I promised him that he wouldn’t regret it.  But no matter what I do or say now, he only looks at me sadly, shakes his head.  He calmly tells me that it is too late.  I have asked him why he is doing this to us and he only will say that it’s just too little too late.  I don’t understand.  How would it hurt him to give me one more chance?  If we fail, then at least we know we tried.  But if we just walk away now, we’ll never really know what might have been.  Why doesn’t he understand this?”

I know firsthand how frustrating this situation is. It is so hurtful to feel as if your marriage is slipping through your fingers and yet you are dependent on another non receptive person to stop this.  Plus, you often feel as if somehow your wires must be crossed because he doesn’t seem to be hearing what you are saying or he doesn’t believe you, even when you are being completely sincere.  Unfortunately, there are many reasons that he will resist giving you another chance. I will go over some of the reasons below because I think that you should be aware of them.  I realize that this may be hard to hear, but if you know what you’re facing, you have a better chance of successfully overcoming it.

Common Reasons That People Are Afraid To Give Their Spouse Another Chance: The first reason is fear. He may be scared to trust in you again because there is the risk that he will be hurt again, which would make his vulnerability a waste of time.  Additionally, he is probably telling the truth when he says that at this time, he believes that it’s too little too late.   He may feel as if your marriage has been damaged too much to recover.  (That doesn’t mean that his belief is true, but this might be what he thinks.)

Finally, he may just feel that he needs a change in his life.  He may have reached a point where he feels that he may have some relief from the drama and the uncertainty if he just starts again, regardless of how hard and painful this might be.

Again, I know that this may be a hard to process.  But nothing is impossible.  And if what you have tried in the past hasn’t worked, nothing says that you can’t start fresh with a new strategy, which leads me to my next point.

If Words Aren’t Working, Talk With Your Actions Instead:  There’s one thing that most husbands in this situation share, and that is skepticism when it comes to your words.  They have listened to your promises and they are still unconvinced.

And yet, you keep coming at him saying what he has already heard before. I understand why you are doing this.  It probably seems to you as if he just isn’t listening or, if he is, he isn’t understanding you.

So perhaps you have to rephrase it or say it again with more intensity.  This makes sense at the time, but it’s the wrong strategy in most instances. He’s usually already reached the point where he has tuned you out.

So you ratched up what you are saying, trying in vain to get him to understand.  And this is when he starts to think that perhaps your marriage really a lost cause.  I don’t say this to hurt you.  I’m saying this so you know what you are up against and that you see that it’s in your best interest to stop attempting to deliver the same message that he has already tuned out.

In my experience, when words no longer work, it’s time to try an action based strategy.  And when I say this, I don’t mean acting irrationally or pouring on the affection so that it’s obvious what you end goal is.  What I mean is to consciously stop what isn’t working, to calm down, to act with integrity, and to let your actions speak for you.

Sometimes, this means that you back off from your original stance so that he no longer feels the need to be defensive.  It can also mean that you need to show him with your actions and not your words that real change is possible.  In this particular case, it would mean showing the husband true respect rather than just trying to get him to agree with the wife’s wishes.  It would mean making him feel genuinely heard without an end goal in mind.  It would mean showing much more maturity by having patience and staying the course.

Because you can’t expect him to believe your new actions immediately.  But when they happen over a period of time, they become more genuine to him and this is the most effective way that I know to overcome his reservations.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience. I tried begging, bartering and promising, but nothing worked.  So I had to let my actions do the talking.  And this shift in thinking saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Lately, I’ve been noticing wives describing husbands who are suddenly questioning their life as someone who is having an “identity crisis.”  This process used to be called a “midlife crisis,” but since it is happening to people who are younger (and since it is now not always men or husbands who are experiencing it,) the phenomenon  is increasingly called an “identity crisis” or some variation on this phrase.  No matter what you call it, though, it can be very troubling when you have a spouse going through it.  And if things get really bad or go on for too long without a resolution, it can sometimes jeopardize your marriage.

Someone might describe a situation like this one, or something similar: “my husband is only twenty five years old, which is about two decades too early for a midlife crisis.  Nonetheless, this appears to be what is happening.  When I mention this, he tells me that identity crisis is more the correct term.  He says he feels as if he has the life that he never wanted.  Suddenly he chose the wrong major in college, now has the wrong job, and thinks that perhaps he might want a separation.  He says that he feels as if he is just chasing things that don’t really matter.  He also feels that he isn’t adding value to the world.  Now he’s talking about selling everything that he owns and living in a third world country so that he can ‘be of service.’ He’s even mentioned separating because he now thinks that we got married too young. Frankly, I would think that this were admirable if he did not have responsibilities at home.  What about me and his aging mother?  What about his student loans and the home for which we have just signed a lease?  I actually love my job and don’t want to just pack up and go to some strange place with no job and no plan. And frankly, I’m not sure if this is even an option since he started talking about a separation.  Is this going to blow over?  What if it doesn’t?  Because it sounds as if my husband is getting ready to just leave his entire life behind due to this ‘identity crisis.'”

Our Changing World: I hear more and more about situations like this all of the time.  I also have people tell me that they think that their spouse is selfish or immature to think in this way. Many will say that they never saw their dad or grandfather ask these types of petty questions. People often wonder why this “identity” or “midlife” issue is becoming so prevalent.  I think that part of it is that we have more choices today.  Our fathers and grandfathers lived in economic times where they were just trying to get food on the table or to keep a job.  Some had to fight in wars where survival wasn’t a given. They might not have had the luxury to question things in the way that many of us do today.  They were just happy to have a paying job or some sort of stability and safety.  They did not have the luxury of asking whether or not that job was what they were meant to do or if contributed to the world.

Looking At Alternatives To A Total Life Change Or A Separation: None of this is to say that your husband concerns are selfish or aren’t valid.  It’s not his fault that he has more options than previous generations.  The real question is how he chooses to act on these options.  For some men, this does pass over.  They eventually find more job satisfaction or they learn to “make a difference” in local ways that work with their current schedule.  For example, they can keep their job and work with local charities.  Or do humanitarian efforts on their vacations.  Many find this to be very fulfilling and, even better, this does not require them just to uproot their lives (or yours.)

Using Caution In Your Approach: I know that it might be tempting to tell him that he’s being selfish or to insist that he just be a grown up.  But, that’s only likely to make him defensive and more dissatisfied.  I learned the hard way that the best bet is often to show support and then to try to gently suggest some of the alternative options that I mentioned above.

You might try something like: “I think that it’s wonderful that you want to be of service.  Your giving heart is one of the things that I love most about you. It’s very admirable that you want to make a difference.  But I’d suggest doing things in stages since there are other issues – like your mother – to think about.  Perhaps we could start by finding ways to be of service here.  Then we could research ways that we could reach out to other areas.  That would allow us to help almost immediately without needing to make any huge changes all at once.”

Honestly, if you can get him engaged and feeling like he has made a difference, he may stop talking about dissatisfaction with your marriage. Its very common for people having this sort of crisis to suddenly turn on their marriage, when it isn’t actually the problem.  With that said, if he THINKS that the marriage is the problem, (or even a contributing factor,) then you have to tread lightly.  And you have to be honest about any changes that might be beneficial to your marriage for right now. Make your marriage as strong as you can possibly make it and be supportive, while trying to guide him to causes closer to home.  Hopefully, he will soon find his place and his restlessness will ease.  And because you were supportive and understanding, you will not have made matters worse and will have positioned yourself as the spouse who was supportive and who didn’t tell him that he was being selfish or silly (since no one wants to hear that.)

I honestly think that my husband’s restlessness greatly contributed to our separation. I wish that I’d been more supportive and had offered alternatives rather than just panicking.  It might have changed the fact that we separated for a while.  Luckily, I found a way to reconcile, but not without a lot of pain first.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some wives who are not yet separated, (but who suspect that they might be soon,) feel like they are living in limbo.  Because they can’t really plan for this separation since their husband is very “confused” or wishy washy about his desire for it. Many wives hear a husband mention or discuss a possible separation SEVERAL times before he actually goes through with it, if he does at all.  Some husbands go back and forth over whether they want to actually be with their wives or in their marriage.  Some days, they want to separate or move out.  And other days, they want to work it out. When their wives ask them about the flopping back and forth, they claim to be “confused.”  One day, they will be making long term plans with you.  And the next day, they’ll be searching for apartments.  Many of them claim to still love their wives, which means that now there are two people who are very confused. Understandably, wives do not completely get what is so confusing about their husband’s feelings toward the marriage. She sees it in terms of black and white rather than grey.  Either he wants to be with her or he doesn’t, right?

She might say: “for the last six months, my husband claims to be ‘confused’ as to whether or not he wants to be with me.  He’s mentioned a separation many times, but so far, he has not acted on this. There have been days, or even weeks, during this time, when he’s actually loving toward me. And then he will revert back to being cold and aloof again.  I will ask him what I’ve done wrong and he will say that I have not done anything wrong and will continue on with his ‘confusion’ talk again.  One of my friends says that she thinks that he is falling out of love with me, but ironically, sometimes he will still claim to love me and he will tell me this without any prompting from me. So I’m just as confused as he is.  But I’m not confused about whether I want to be with my husband or not. I DO want my marriage.  But my husband isn’t so sure.  And he can’t seem to articulate any reasoning behind his unhappiness, other than to claim this ‘confusion.’  Why is my husband so confused about whether he wants to be married or not?  Nothing has changed.  I haven’t done anything wrong.  I don’t get it.”

His Unhappiness Is Not Always Totally Based On Your Marriage: I totally get your frustration.  My husband flip flopped like this for a while before we actually separated (although this certainly doesn’t mean that YOU will separate.  Now that my husband and I have reconciled, I’ve talked to him at length about what he was going through during the pre-separation period.  I’ve also dialoged with other “confused” husbands about this.  Much of the time, their “confusion” isn’t totally about your marriage.  I know that sounds weird.  And I don’t mean that NONE of it is related to your marriage.  But sometimes, they are questioning things like the meaning of life, their place in the world, and whether their life truly has value to this world.  If this sounds like a midlife crisis, well, many of the questions are the same, but I find that this can happen at any time in life.

When your husband claims to love you, he probably does.  On the days when he appears to be loving and engaged, he’s probably actually having those loving feelings. When he’s dissatisfied and “confused,” these negative feelings may not be directly correlated to your marriage, which could be why he hasn’t left yet.

Pushing For A Decision Is Not Always The Best Call: I know that you very likely desperately want him to make a decision. (I know that I did.)  But I want to caution you here.  In my own case, pushing my husband to stop waffling back and forth worked against me.  He eventually decided that we should separate.  I will never know if having more patience and trying not to take all of it so personally might have meant that we could have avoided the separation.  But looking back at it now, I wish that I had taken a very honest look at my marriage and tried to fix those things that needed fixing and then had patience with my husband’s conflicting emotions.  Because I’ve seen husbands work out the outside stuff and then come back and be suddenly happy in their marriage, simply because the marriage wasn’t the problem.  That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t attempt to make your marriage as good as it can be, especially while he’s still living with you.  But sometimes, you wrack your brain thinking that you’ve done something wrong or you think that he doesn’t love you when neither are true.  What could be true is that he’s confused about his place in the world more than anything else.  Having gone through this and experiencing hindsight, my best tip would be to offer support, to try not to apply pressure, and to make any changes that you think might help the situation all the way around.  I wish that I had done this because it might have avoided the separation. Luckily, I was able to get my husband back and we reconciled.  But it would have been nice (and spared a lot of pain) if we could have avoided this in the first place. If it helps, there’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are reluctantly separated, you might find yourself always analyzing the feelings or your spouse and yourself. (And this is especially true if you’re hoping to reconcile.) You may ask yourself whether absence makes the heart grow fonder.  And you may wonder if this is also true for your spouse.

It can be difficult to just come out and ask your spouse if he still loves you. But some of us attempt to find a way to bring it into our conversations because either the suspense is killing us, or we want the reassurance of knowing that even if we are technically separated, he still loves us. Some of us get that reassurance. Some of us don’t (at least not right away.) And some of us get something that is somewhere in between the two – a husband who concedes to only loving us only sometimes.

For example, a wife might find herself in a situation where her husband admits that he loves her some days, depending upon the circumstances. She might say: “my husband and I are honestly up and down during the separation. There are times when it seems that he wants nothing whatsoever to do with me and then there are times when he seems to crave my presence and he will either come over to our old home or ask me to dinner or to his apartment. Of course, I will get encouraged by this and then I’ll start asking him to do things with me regularly. But he’s so hot and cold. We can literally go from laughing and joking to him actually avoiding me the very next day. It is quite confusing. It can be very hard for me to figure out how he really feels or what he really wants. So the other day, when he was in one of his receptive phrases, I blurted out, ‘can I ask you something?’ My husband answered in the affirmative. So I said, ‘do you still love me at all?’ My husband’s response was that on some days, he does feel love for me and on other days, he does not.  This response fits with his behavior, but I still do not understand it. How does your love turn off and on from one day to the next? And it’s not like we necessarily have bad days together or that on the days that we fight, he doesn’t love me. Because we live apart, we rarely fight anymore. It just seems that on days that he decides that he doesn’t love me, he simply avoids me. But on the days when we aren’t together, I still love him. I worry that this means that his love for me is going to wane until there is nothing left. Why would he love me one day but not another? I get that we are separated, but still.”

He May Be Experiencing Fluctuating Feelings Or Confusion Rather A Lack Of Any Feelings: I am not sure that your husband literally loses and gains love for you over the course of one day. That would be incredibly difficult (and unrealistic) to do. I think that it is more likely that he means that one day he may be FEELING loving toward you, while on another day, he may not be feeling quite as loving. This really isn’t that unusual. Feelings can fluctuate depending on the day, on the circumstances, and on the spouse.

Separation Fluctuations Can Happen Frequently And Be A Normal Part Of The Process On Both Sides: I know that during my own separation, there were most definitely days when my husband was outright spiteful to me and days when he was weirdly sweet. I never asked him if he still loved me, but who knows what the response would have been. I can also tell you that there were days where I got really frustrated at being alone and DEFINITELY did not feel very loving toward my husband on those days. And then there were days when I missed my husband very much and on those days, I felt overwhelming love. It’s frustrating to flip flop like this. But in my experience, most people do this, at least some of the time. A separation can be a very volatile time. So you can expect your feelings to be volatile too.

Capitalize On The Positive Whenever You Can: None of this means that he doesn’t actually love you. It could mean that he’s just experiencing those fluctuations. Going from my own experience, my advice would be to focus on the good days. Really try to bond and reconnect during those good days. When I was able to do that, I found that the bad days were less frequent, and of course, that meant that the loving feelings were more frequent also. The idea is to just slowly build upon the successes until the feeling of love becomes the feeling that stays. Hopefully, these feelings and the improvements that you make will lead to a reconciliation.

But this is often a gradual process. Which means that you just have to get through the bad days without causing more damage and seize the good days when you can. I know that it might be tempting to debate or lament about his feelings. But I wouldn’t if you think that this might cause him to pull away again. The last thing that you want to do is to lessen your access to him – especially when you are trying to capitalize on the good days.

If it helps, you can read more about the gradual process I used to inspire a reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, when a husband announces that he is going to leave, a wife expects him to promptly pack his bags and begin the separation. It’s not that this is what the wife wants to happen. But when someone makes an announcement that is this serious, well, the assumption is that no one would want to drag their feet on this, as once the decision has been made, it’s probably easier to just go ahead and move out.

However, this isn’t what always happens. Some husbands make this announcement and then they don’t really move out right away. Some are still telling their wives that they are leaving even as they continue to park themselves on the couch and make use of the refrigerator. A wife might say: “I truly don’t get it. Three weeks ago, my husband came home and announced that he is going to leave me. He said that our marriage hasn’t been good for a while now and that he thinks that we should take a break and live apart to see what happens. This isn’t what I want. In my heart, I feel like if he leaves, he might never come back and we might end up divorced. He actually told me that he wanted to leave on a Friday night. I expected him to move out that weekend. Why wait? If you’re going to take the initiative to tell your wife that you are going to leave her, I would think that you would want to leave as soon as possible. That isn’t the case, though. It’s three weeks later and he’s still in our house. He’s still complaining. He’s still saying he’s going to leave and yet he is still here. I’m afraid to ask him why he’s still here because I am afraid that he would take that to mean that I wanted him out. My mom says that he is essentially free loading or that he’s too lazy to find a new place, but that doesn’t make sense, as my husband earns more than I do. Why do men say that they want to leave their wives and then stay at home?”

I can only speculate, because there are a variety of reasons. I will list some of them below so that you can see if any of them might ring true.

He May Not Want To Actually Leave And Was Just Trying To Get A Reaction: Sometimes, a husband truly is frustrated with the marriage or the situation, but he doesn’t know how to create change. He may have tried to make a change without success or he’s afraid that you will be resistant or defensive. So he puts the “leaving” out there in the hopes that you will try to stop him or that you will then be open to negotiating change.

He May Be Trying To Move Out At The Right Time Or In The Right Way: Some husbands do take their time in actually moving out. Many aren’t all that excited about moving from their familiar and comfortable home into a smaller apartment. Others will try to leave their wife in a good place before they physically move out. What I mean by that is that some will complete repairs and necessary maintenance before they leave so that their wife doesn’t have to worry about this.

He May Be Having Second Thoughts: This is the final suggestion that I will make. We all say things or make decisions out of frustration, only to have second thoughts later. Actually moving out of your home and pursuing a marital separation is a huge step. And it would be completely normal for him to reconsider and then to hesitate to admit this. It’s possible that he’s hoping that this will just blow over or that you will ask him not to leave.

Deciding Where To Go From Here: Since you can’t know which of the above is true (unless he tells you,) then you have to ask yourself what really matters the most. If you want to save your marriage, then I think you have focus on the fact that at least he’s still there – whatever the reason. It’s so much easier to save your marriage when your husband is physically present. When he moves out, it can be difficult to reconnect and to not have repeated misunderstandings since communication is limited and not always face-to-face. Yes, I know that it is frustrating that he’s sending mixed signals and that this is confusing. But I think that it is better to focus on the fact that he is there rather than questioning him and then potentially forcing him out. If you can use this time to improve things so that he doesn’t follow through and leave, then that’s probably the best option.

I know that this is confusing, but if it leads to positive change in your marriage, it is worth it. I can tell you from my own experience, that once your husband actually moves out, things become even harder.  Despite a constant effort, it was very hard to get my husband to come back once he moved out, which is why I think that it’s best to avoid him actually leaving if you can. There are methods that helps you get him back, but they’re more effective when he’s at home. You can read about how I used these methods on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from panicked wives who feel that their situation is hopeless. Their husband is declaring that he wants a divorce. As if this isn’t bad enough, when the wife tries to discuss this with him, he digs in his heels and tells her that he absolutely will not be changing his mind, so she may as well just accept it.

This turn of events can be a lot to process when you don’t want to give up your marriage or life as you know it. And this can be particularly true when there are children or other people to consider. Someone might explain: “I can not say that I wasn’t aware that my marriage was in trouble. I was aware of that. I am not blind. I can perceive that he’s been pulling away from me over the last year or so. And if I am being honest, I have to admit that I’ve been frustrated with the marriage as well. However, divorce never, ever entered my mind. We have a family. We have a responsibility to get it together for everyone’s sake. Unfortunately, my husband just does not see it this way. Last week, he announced that he had seen an attorney and is in the process of filing for divorce. When I responded that I can not believe that he would do this without our talking about it, he told me that there’s really nothing to talk about because he gave this careful consideration and he is not going to change his mind. In desperation, I mentioned marriage counseling and his response was ‘I repeat. I am not going to change my mind. I am adamant about that.’ So now I feel literally feel desperate and devastated all at once. I’d do just about anything to get him to change his mind and yet he is telling me that there is literally nothing that I can do. How in the world do I process or accept this? I am trying to come up with a plan to overcome his objections.”

I am sorry that you are going through this. Situations like these bring up bad memories for me and make me remember my own separation. My husband was adamant that he would never change his mind also. That didn’t stop me from trying everything that I could think of to make him see things differently. And I came to a very difficult truth because of this: The more I tried to change his mind, the more determined he was that his mind was made up.  People generally do not like feeling as if they aren’t in control of their own wishes. So even if they start to lose their resolve a little, they will still sometimes cling to their decision.

In my own case, I found out by accident that the only way that I was going to change my husband’s mind about the divorce was to stop trying so that his defenses would come down. I didn’t do this on purpose. I just got tired and discouraged. So I threw up my hands and turned my attention to other things. Once I stopped trying so desperately to change his mind, his mind began to open up to me.

I can’t tell you that this always happens. But in my observation and experience, this strategy works much more than trying to debate with him or trying to force him to change his mind when he’s already told you that this isn’t going to work. I’m not saying that you have to pretend that you want a divorce. I never did that. I basically just made it clear that I didn’t agree with his decision, but it was obvious that it was his decision to make, so I was just going to make the best of it. Luckily, separations and divorces generally are not speedy. So you will often have a little bit of time to work with.

In the meantime, I would recommend that you focus on yourself and your own well being. You likely need support and kindness right now. Reach out to people who love you. Do things that bring you peace or happiness. Give yourself permission for extreme self care. When he sees you turning your attention to yourself, his defenses may drop. And even if they do not, you can’t ever go wrong with taking care of yourself and your children. No one can ever fault you for that.

I certainly can’t tell you that most men who file for divorce (or intend to) eventually change their minds. But I can tell you that SOME do. People calm down. Perceptions or feelings shift. Improvements are made. Counseling sometimes helps. There are various things that can open people up to seeing things in a new way. Sure, you can’t count on this every time. But you can’t count it out either. I even know people who divorced and who still ended up together eventually.

I know that things seem hopeless right now, when he’s determined not to give you any hope. But things tend to be at their worst in the beginning days. He may or may not follow through with the divorce. But he can’t tell you whether or not to have hope. Things change. Right now, since he’s determined not to budge, sometimes the best thing that you can do is not to ask him to and then to focus on yourself. Of course you want to be receptive and pleasant when you can. But when he’s the most determined that he won’t change his mind, that’s when you stop asking and bide your time – for when he lets down his defenses and stops clinging to this decision.

At least this was my experience.  I firmly believe that if I had kept pushing, debating, and trying to change my husband’s mind, we would have ended up divorced.  He was very resistant to my pushing.  I had to pull way back to get his defenses to come down so that we could eventually reconcile. You can read more of the resolution on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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