Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Not knowing where you stand in terms of a divorce can be frustrating, but it’s often better than the alternative. After all, many people would rather face a “possible” divorce than a “probable” or a “certain” divorce. Still, when your spouse uses phrases like he “might want a divorce,” you can find yourself analyzing just one word in that sentence.

A wife might say: “last week, my husband told me that he might want a divorce. He has not moved out. I do not even think that he has looked at apartments. But he is getting colder and colder to me. I became really concerned so I asked him to define the word ‘might.’ After all, he did not tell me that he wanted a divorce. Nor did he say he didn’t want one. He said that he ‘might want one,’ which to me is somewhere in the middle. My best friend said that his saying ‘might’ could be just a tactic to soften the blow. In other words, she believes that he actually does want a divorce, but he just doesn’t have the courage to tell me. So she thinks he will just sort of tread water for a while during the separation and then eventually ask me for a divorce. Is she right? Is there no significance to the word ‘might’ here?”

It’s hard to say. If he truly was extremely motivated to pursue a divorce, he might be moving more quickly than he is right now. He hasn’t moved out and doesn’t appear to have made definitive plans to do so. Many men announce that they want a separation when their bags are already packed and when they have already signed a lease on an apartment. So although it may not feel as if you have an advantage, there is a possible silver lining with him not immediately pursuing divorce – type activities.

Of course, I don’t know your husband and can’t possibly guess at his thought process. But through researching, writing articles, and talking with others (as well as my own experience during my own separation,) it seems to me that when some men use vague terms like “might” or “think” or “let’s see what happens,” etc., they are unsure as to whether they really want a divorce. They know that they want to see some changes, but they aren’t sure if those changes are going to be possible without making the very drastic move of separating or divorcing.

So some will choose a separation – thinking that this is the best option, since it’s not as passive as just doing nothing and staying with the marital status quo. But it is not so drastic as a divorce. Of course, many wives don’t embrace this thinking and they don’t want him to pursue EITHER a separation or divorce. And these wives hope that his vague phrasing means that he’s not certain that a divorce is the right thing to do after all. He may also be trying to gauge how you are feeling about this. He may wondering if you are going to agree that a break is the right move or if you are going to argue that the two of you can work this out without needing to make such a drastic statement.

So where does this leave you? Well, in case he is trying to gauge your feelings, you may choose to make it clear that you don’t think that it’s necessary to go straight from uncertainty in your marriage to a divorce, which is very drastic, is legally binding, and is difficult to undo once it is done. If you are well aware of the problems that are causing your husband’s thinking, you could reassure him that you’d be willing to work with him to address or remove those problems. That said, be very certain that you have a plan in place. You want to reply with more than just words because words said in a time of desperation are not always taken seriously. He may think that you are just saying things to get him to change his mind. There’s a big difference between: “things aren’t as bad as you think and we’ll figure something out if you stay,” and “I am asking you to give me four weeks to show you that we can begin to improve things. I’ve already met with a counselor / started researching what we need to do and I truly think that we can quickly take some very concrete steps to fix this so that we don’t need to end our marriage and break up our family.”

If he agrees, you want to make absolutely sure that you follow up on what you’ve said. If he doesn’t agree and pursues moving out and continues to consider a divorce, then you want to make sure that you try your best to maintain contact and act in a way that is going to facilitate a good relationship.  The idea is that if and when he misses you, he feels hope that with time, things might change. It’s very easy to become frightened and to lash out or to think that you’re going to hurt him before he hurts you. Resist this urge and remember what you truly want – which is to save your marriage and avoid a divorce. Being unkind to one another and allowing your fear to drive you is not the way to do this. Having patience, working together, and approaching this with kindness and love is going to give you the best chance to change his mind and to successfully turn things around in your marriage.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I turned things around and saved my marriage during my own separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Facing a martial separation can be hard enough.  But feeling as if you have to perform or to meet some criteria during that separation can be doubly upsetting.  This is especially true if your husband announces that he wants to see if he will ‘miss you’ during the separation.  Because this implies that you have to pass some sort of test in order to keep your marriage.  And this can leave you not sure about how to achieve that goal.

A wife might say: “my husband has been muttering about a separation for about six months.  I will admit that I mostly ignored him because he just seemed to repeat himself without ever doing anything.  About four weeks ago, my mother had a health scare and I had to travel to another state to care for her.  Honestly, I was almost glad to be leaving because my husband and I had been fighting and I wanted the break.  I was only gone for five days, but when I got home, my husband admitted that he hadn’t missed me all that much and that the end to the fighting was a relief.  He announced that he suspected that I felt the same way.  Honestly, I DID miss him.  At least a little.  But he claims not to have missed me and now says that we need to be apart for a longer period of time in order for him to ascertain whether or not he would miss me during a real separation.  I am not quite sure how to take this.  I hate that we have been fighting lately, but I do not want to lose my marriage.   I do not want a separation, but he seems determined about this.  So I asked him to get an apartment very close by so that we can see one another all of the time.  He rejected that and said that he ‘wanted the time and space to see if he misses me.’  Well, if we have very limited contact, what if that just makes our marriage worse?  What if that makes him want to end our marriage even sooner?  How do I make him miss me if he’s distancing himself already?”

Be Careful About Overdoing It When You Experience Paranoia Or Doubt: I completely understand how you feel because I had very similar thoughts during my own separation.  In fact, I can look back now and see that I was very paranoid.  I was sure that my husband would enjoy his freedom so much that he would scarcely have time to miss me.  So I made sure that I kept in touch.  All of the time.  This was too much.  He tried to be polite about it in the beginning.  And tolerated my “touching base” constantly.  But eventually, he began to distance himself.  And because I’m sure he found me to be a bit of a pest, he probably was not missing me all that much.

This is a very difficult situation to handle because you’re already feeling paranoid.  So when he starts pulling away, your inclination can be to pull him even closer and to initiate even MORE contact.  That’s exactly what I did, but this made things even worse and he pulled back even further – going so far as to tell me that I needed to let him initiate the contact.  And you know what?  Eventually I felt that I just had to do this even though it went against every thing that I was feeling at the time.

When What You Dread The Most Doesn’t Actually Happen: I was sure that when things went silent between us, my husband would celebrate his freedom and feel even more distant from me.  I felt like my releasing my grip was really going to be the beginning of the end.  But I did it because it was the only hope that I had of keeping at least some portion of the relationship alive.

And then a funny thing happened.  After some very hard days of complete silence, he did what I never expected him to do.  He started reaching out to me.  He initiated the contact.  He started doing the calling.  Listen, it was so hard not to pick right back up where I’d left off.  My relief made it very hard not to get over-excited.  But I tried to look at it logically because listening to my emotions hadn’t worked.  I could not deny that backing away a little bit had absolutely worked.  So I tempered my excitement and continued to allow him to initiate half of the contact.

And eventually, he actually DID miss me and we DID reconcile.  But I am not sure if this would have happened if I had continued with holding on so tightly.  I think that it is possible that he may have initiated a divorce or a no-contact separation just to have some peace.  I KNOW that it’s hard to step back and just hope that he misses you.  And I don’t advocate no-contact for long periods of time.  But in my experience, it can help to give things a few days between contact so that he does have the time and space to wonder what you are doing and how you are.  Because when that process happens – many times, that is when he DOES start to miss you.

There were times when I was sure that my husband would never miss me.  No one was more surprised than myself when he eventually did.  It’s unfortunate that you have to back away in order to make this happen.  But you sometimes need to do the exact opposite of what you want to do in order to give him the time to feel that void.  At least this was true in our case.  And this was the start of our reconciliation.  You can read more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, when your spouse tells you that he wants a divorce, you envision that in a certain amount of time, you will either divorce or reconcile. In my experience, most people who are separated (myself included) expect one of these two scenarios. Most of us HOPE that we will be reconciled. But we figure that if this is not possible, then we may end up divorced instead.

What many of us do not anticipate is to be in limbo for a long period of time. Most of us assume that our spouse will eventually be able to make a firm decision. What we don’t expect is the spouse who is reluctant to divorce us, but who doesn’t want to come home, either. Here’s what you might hear: “never in my wildest dreams did I think that my husband and I would still have no resolution seven months after our separation. I had hoped that we would be reconciled by now, but I feared that we would be divorced. I guess that I should be grateful that I am not divorced. But I dislike not knowing what is going to happen. My husband moved out to see how he would feel after doing so. Our marriage had been struggling. I hoped that the separation would allow him to get the unhappiness out of his system. And for a while, it seemed that this was happening. He started being more sweet to me and I honestly felt that we were making progress. We get together a couple of times a week and, for the most part, it goes well. So I naturally assumed that he would soon want to move back in. But when I mentioned this to him, he said that he had no immediate intentions of doing so. As a result, I assumed that he wanted a divorce and I asked him about this as well. He assured me that he did not want a divorce, but stressed that he felt that things were going relatively well between us and that he was content with the living situation for now. He said that he saw no reason to ‘rock the boat.’ Well, I’m not necessarily content with the living situation. I have gotten more used to it as time goes on, but I would prefer to live with my husband instead of living by myself. At the same time, I am not sure how to handle this. I hesitate to give him an ultimatum because I don’t want to undo the progress that we have made. But when I look at our future and I think about us living apart on a long term basis, that just makes me sad.”

Taking Inventory: I hear more and more about this situation. It seems that as the economy begins to improve, separated couples have a little more flexibility with their living arrangements. Some couples actually embrace living apart. They are still very married and still interact as a married couple, but they find that they get along better when each has his or her own space. HOWEVER, this only works when both people are happy with the arrangement. It doesn’t sound as if you are happy, so it makes sense to take an honest look at your situation.

It sounds as if you have made progress and that’s wonderful. Now, you have to ask yourself if it’s possible that if you continued to make progress, then perhaps your husband would become more and more comfortable with the idea of eventually moving back home. I must confess that I was so paranoid and superstitious about asking my husband to come home (because our progress took a very long time to finally happen) that I just started easing him into the process without really announcing it or telling him what I was doing.

Easing The Way Back: This process started out with him spending the night every once in a while. As this continued to go well, it progressed to weekends. I moved slowly. I did not want for him to think that I was trying to force him into anything. After he’d been doing weekends for a while, he started staying during some of the work week. Eventually, he was practically living with me once again and no one really had to say anything or make a big deal of it.

This gradual approach also let us iron out issues and awkwardness before he moved back in, when the stakes would have felt more high. So I think the gradual “staying over” approach does sometimes work. Many husbands aren’t as opposed to EVENTUALLY moving back in as it may seem. They are just reluctant to move too quickly and have things eventually crumble. They’d rather wait and be sure than to act too quickly and regret it.

Only you know how patient you are able to be with this. If you are relatively happy when you are together, then try to gradually get together more. This means that you are alone less. And again, you are gradually leading him to something more. I know that this is tricky, but in my own experience, being patient was easier for me than risking a divorce because I wanted to rush. But everyone has to evaluate their patience level for themselves. Most of the time, pressuring your husband works against you rather than for you. It’s better to give off the appearance of being patient – even when you are trying to ease him into more without making a big deal about it and scaring him off.

I think that the fear of scaring my husband off was what made a gradual pace tolerable.   I was simply too afraid that all of my progress would be reversed if I pushed.  Of course, I was impatient and wanted to move more swiftly.  But it just wasn’t worth the risk to me. You’re welcome to read more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: We all occasionally say things that we regret. Some of the time, these slips of the tongue do not come back to bite us. Sometimes, however, if we slip too often, we may find that this has an unfortunate (and potentially lasting) effect on our most important relationships.

An example is when our worst slips ups or hurtful remarks are directed at our spouse, who eventually becomes so tired of it that he threatens some change to our marriage, like a potential break or separation. Someone might explain: “I will admit that I can be hot-headed sometimes. Before I even know it, something will come out of my mouth before I can stop it. Most of my friends know this about me, so most of them just ignore it when I slip. But my husband can not ignore it. And now he’s saying that he is thinking about a separation because he almost feels as if I verbally abuse him. I will admit that when we fight, I often end up saying things that I deeply regret. And my husband is wounded by what I say. Sometimes, I apologize later and he seems to accept it. But now I realize he wasn’t just brushing it off, since now he’s saying that we should probably separate. It bothers me that he says I’m verbally abusive because that’s obviously taking it too far. I will say things like I wish he was stronger in terms of his convictions and I question some of the choices that he makes. I tell him that I don’t understand his thought process.  But it’s not as if I call him stupid or say other derogatory things. He says that he does not want for any future kids that we would have to be on the receiving end of my anger. I don’t think that this would be a problem. But even when he said that, I became angry and had to check myself. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But sometimes, things just come out of my mouth. How do I stop?”

Some Suggestions: There are a couple of things that you can try. In my case, the thing that I found most effective for this was to attempt to feel some empathy and to pause. I found that I was most likely to say hurtful things either just before we separated or during the separation. At times, I would get really frustrated with the distance between us and what I perceived was my husband’s part in that. And yes, there were times when I used terms like “selfish,” “childish,” and, I must admit, even “stupid.” After a while, I realized that I was digging a deeper hole for myself at a time when I was already separated and in a pretty deep hole. I did not want a divorce. But at the rate I was going, this was a very real possibility. So I decided I needed to stop with the mean and negative talk.

But it was very difficult. Often, my words were a knee jerk reaction. I would feel the frustration, and out came the words. Then, one day someone suggested that I picture the words as weapons and imagine my husband being physically wounded by those weapons. It was also suggested the I picture my husband as a vulnerable little boy. And the reason for this is that a counselor told me that much of my husband’s behaviors came from wounds that occurred in childhood. So, whenever I would get angry, I would picture words as weapons barreling toward my husband as a helpless and scared little boy. And to my surprise, this worked right away.

I believe that the reason that it works is that it forces you to see your spouse as vulnerable when your defenses are up and when you are most prone to have tunnel vision. It also helps to take a deep breath or two while you are envisioning your spouse as wounded. This slight pause combined with the imagery will often be enough to give you the time to stop and redirect yourself. So much of these remarks come before we can stop ourselves. So we have to train ourselves to pause.

Setting A More Positive Tone: I don’t think that it hurts to share your intentions with your spouse to see if you can discourage a separation. I’m proof that a separation does not always mean a divorce. But a separation can be difficult on many levels and it’s better to avoid it if you can. So you might try: “honey, I want to apologize again for some of the things that I have said in the heat of the moment. I deeply regret them and I intend to stop. I have a plan to stop which I think will work, but if I need to, I will go to counseling and get some help to ensure that I stop. I am very serious about our marriage and I’m certain that I would never hurt any future children in any way. I understand why you would doubt my claims, but I hope that if you give me a very short window of time to show you, I can prove to you that I have the ability to stop saying things that I will regret.”

It’s normal for him to have doubts about these claims, since you often speak in the heat of the moment. If given the chance, you will have to continue to show you improvement and change until he begins to believe it. But if you can do that, then hopefully, a separation will not be necessary. From my own experience, I would avoid a separation if at all possible.  I did save my marriage, but it was a lengthy and emotionally exhausting process. There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse is insisting on moving out. Some of the time, the spouse justifies the move by saying that he is doing so in order to save the marriage. This is confusing to many people. Doesn’t moving out just make things more distant and awkward? Isn’t moving out bringing the couple one step closer to a divorce?

Someone might ask: “I will admit that for the past three months or so, my husband and I have been fighting constantly. We fight about things that are silly sometimes. But other times, we just have a very different way of seeing the world. He says that I am too pessimistic and I think that he is too reckless. I am conservative with money and he is careless with it. I plan hard for the future and he likes to just see what happens. We’ve had unforeseen expenses come up with one of our children. This has been unavoidable and we could not have prepared for it. And we have to pay a significant amount of money because of it. But I want to take action to adjust and my husband thinks that it is all just going to even out in the wash. He refuses to curb his spending. And his moving out is going to cost us money that we don’t have. A divorce would obviously be very costly. But when I try to explain these things to my husband, he says that in his opinion, moving out is the only way to give our marriage a chance. He says he is tired of us being at each other’s throats all of the time and he does not want to live in the tension in our home for much longer. Well, to me that sounds very petty. I don’t want to live with money struggles in the way that we are, but what choice do I have? When you are an adult, sometimes you have to buckle down and make it work. To me, a spouse moving out is more likely to end a marriage than to save it. Are any marriages actually saved when one person moves out?”

In some severe cases, I have had people tell me that living separately DID save their marriage. For most of these folks, living together had become toxic. Their dividing issue became front – and – center in their lives and in their marriage. This issue became the focus all of the time. It became impossible to live around it. Things typically get so bad where the choice becomes living apart for a little while and then reevaluating or going straight to a divorce. In these cases, moving out seems to be the best of two evils. And in some cases, that break or pause does tend to be the ticket. It allows for things to calm down enough so that the spouses can eventually come together more calmly and can work through their issues – which could not happen when things were so volatile while they were living together.

That is not to say that some spouses don’t use this excuse when they just want a break. It’s impossible to read your spouse’s mind to determine what he is thinking. From my own experience, it did seem more difficult to save the marriage when my husband and I were living apart simply because I did not have as much access to my husband. By the same token, though, what finally got my husband’s interest again was NOT having access to me. So in that sense, living apart may have worked at least somewhat to my benefit, although it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time and I would not want to repeat the process.

Because living apart can be really difficult, I don’t think it hurts to offer your spouse some alternatives like living in separate bedrooms in the same home. Or perhaps staying in a hotel (or with friends) while the other spouse stays in the house. (I know that this doesn’t sound ideal, but it might be better than him signing a lease somewhere else.)  If he rejects these alternatives and still insists on moving out, then I think it’s best to turn your attention toward staying in close touch while he is away. I can not stress enough how important this is. When you do not make a plan ahead of time, it’s very easy to let a lot of time go by when you don’t communicate with or see one another. This can lead to even more distance and awkwardness between you. It can be really helpful if you can get your husband to agree to having coffee or dinner once a week just to check in. Of course, he may be by to see or interact with his kids. But that is really the kids’ time and not the time to talk about marital issues.

Before he goes, ask if you can agree on a plan. He should be agreeable to this, since he has said that he’s moving out to give your marriage a chance.

I know that this is very hard.  But know that moving out did not end my marriage and I know many other couples for whom this was the case.  It may seem catastrophic at the time, but it gives a needed pause.  And as long as you handle the separation correctly, it can sometimes actually be helpful rather than hurtful.  I had to learn this the hard way, unfortunately.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be a very tough blow when your spouse leaves you. But the blow can feel even worse when the reason that your husband gives for leaving seems personal. One example is when he tells you that he believes that there might be someone “better” for him in the outside world.

Someone might explain: “I was heartbroken when my husband told me that he was leaving me to pursue a martial separation, but I hurt even more when he told me why. When I demanded an explanation, I expected for him to try to gently explain that he just needed some time to himself. After all, we haven’t really been fighting. We are not as close as we used to be and I know that my husband doesn’t feel that we are always compatible. But I did not think that these small problems would amount to me potentially facing a separation or divorce. Instead of offering reassurances, my husband confessed that he was leaving because deep in his heart, he feels that ‘there is better out there’ for him. He is basically saying that he thinks that he will eventually find someone who is more suitable for him and therefore he will have the happiness that he deserves. He says that he wants a relationship that isn’t so hard. When I told my sister what my husband said, she was furious. She said that I should let my husband try to find better than me and then he will quickly determine that I am too good for him. She said how dare he act as if I am not good enough. I see what she is saying. And I am also offended at my husband’s words. But deep down, I wonder if perhaps he is right. My husband is a very good looking man. He is very funny and generous. Many women would be happy to have my husband. So I don’t doubt that many pretty, capable, and sweet women might one day be interested in my husband. But I am interested in him, too. He is mine. And it breaks my heart to think that he might find someone else. I don’t want him to even look for someone else. This makes me so sad.”

I totally get the sadness. I felt it myself. But I want to stress that sadness does not always attract your husband back to you. I know this from unfortunate experience. It’s normal and okay to feel sad. But sadness should not be the primary thing that you are projecting when you are around your husband, especially when you want him back. I realize that he already knows that you are sad. But men are most attracted to women who are capable and who respect themselves.

Why Projection Is So Important: I totally understand how you feel. But, as best as you can, you want to try to downplay these negative feelings around your husband. As unfair as it is, your fear might make your husband think that you’re aware that you’re not the best fit for him, which is exactly the opposite of what you want (and is also probably the opposite of what you think.) As much of a challenge as it can be to pull off, in my experience, the best attitude to project is one of quiet confidence. You want for your husband to think that while you are sad that it has come to this, at the end of the day, you’re sure that you are the right person for your husband and that one day, he will come to learn this.

Incidentally, him learning that you are right for him is not just wishful thinking. It is a real possibility. In my experience and observation, many men initially are sure that they are going to be happier separated and then they quickly learn that this was just not the case. The grass seems greener on the other side of the fence – until they find out that it is not.

Letting Him Know How You Feel While Projecting Confidence: In the meantime, I think it never hurts to be clear about your wishes moving forward. Because if you are only going to separate, you are still legally married and, I would think, would want to stress being faithful. You might try: “It’s upsetting to hear you say that you think that there may be someone better for you. I don’t agree. And I believe that we can fix our marriage, if given a chance. I hope that you come to this conclusion also. In the meantime, I want to make it absolutely clear that I still consider us married. I intend to be completely faithful and will use this time to work on myself and consider what I want. I hope that you feel the same way. A separation is not a divorce.”

Hopefully, he already understands this distinction. But it is better to be safe than sorry and to get this out in the open. Dealing with a separation has its challenges, but it’s very difficult when you have a spouse who is actively dating. You want to avoid this if at all possible so that it frees him up to focus on you and you alone. You’ll also want to very carefully show him the best version of yourself whenever you speak to or see him. You want to keep reminding him that you ARE the one for him and that there most definitely is NOT better out there. And you have every right to expect him to be faithful until then.

I was always terrified that my husband would date others during our separation because he seemed so unhappy.  While I know that he went out with all sorts of friends, to my knowledge he did not actively date or cheat.   And I can say with confidence that when I changed my strategy to show upbeat confidence rather than fear, he became much more receptive to (and intrigued by) me.  And I do believe that this made all of the difference in our being able to reconcile.  There’s more of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel sure that they could save their marriage if their husband would just cooperate and make the commitment to help them. And sometimes, if he is reluctant to commit or hesitates, the wife wonders if saving the marriage is even going to possible when she’s having to do it all on her own.

I heard from a wife who said: “a couple of years ago, I became very close with a male colleague. I didn’t cheat or anything, but looking back now, I can see that I replaced my husband emotionally with this other man because he seemed more available to me. After all, I saw him every day. As a result, my marriage greatly suffered. We have become almost like strangers and roommates. The other day, my husband told me he was considering walking out on our marriage because there just isn’t much left. This is the last thing that I want. I told my husband that I would give our marriage my full attention and that he would see that we could be happy again. He just sort of shrugged. I then asked him to commit to giving saving our marriage a real try. He said he couldn’t make that commitment and instead just wanted to wait and see what happened. What can I do now? Because I feel like if he won’t commit to saving our marriage, then that is good as saying it’s over.”

I understood what this wife was feeling. After all, I have gone through this too and just as this wife did, I attempted to get my husband to commit to saving the marriage. He wouldn’t. And I reacted quite badly and made things so much worse that we eventually separated. Eventually though, I was able to save my marriage (by myself) once I came up with a workable plan. That’s why I firmly believe that although having his commitment is nice and it makes things easier, you don’t necessarily need it. I’ll explain why below.

Why He Might Be Holding Out Before He Gives You Any Sort Of Commitment: Here’s the thing. In my experience and opinion, women are much more likely to commit to saving their marriage then men. The reason for this is that women have a lot more patience when things go wrong. Men often wait and observe. Women would rather take action. But, while men are waiting and observing, they are often becoming discouraged, which is why they would sometimes rather wait and see than to commit more time to saving the marriage when they have their doubts as to whether it will actually work.

I know that this may sound discouraging, but here’s the good news. If you show you that things can actually change, then his reservations may be overcome and you can save your marriage whether he makes a formal commitment or not. Another reason that men hesitate to commit to helping you save your marriage is because they worry about what, exactly, this is going to entail. Many are afraid you are going to have them sitting in a counselor’s office disclosing their deepest darkest secrets or exploring where they are an awful husband. The way to overcome this reservation is to just start saving your marriage in positive and painless ways so that he can see that his assumptions were essentially wrong or at least exaggerated.

Why You Don’t Need A Firm Commitment To Save The Marriage (Especially In The Beginning:) I know very few men who are going to put their heart and soul into saving their marriages in the way that a wife would. And I don’t mean that these husbands don’t love or isn’t committed to their wives or doesn’t want to save the marriage. I just mean that men aren’t nearly as in touch with their feelings. They are not nearly as good at identifying the problem. And they often aren’t nearly as decisive about fixing the problem.

So it’s almost a given that he’s not going to go all in at first, even if he truly does want to save your marriage. Most men will wait and see even if they are telling you that they are all for a reconciliation. So his having a reluctance to commit isn’t really as big of a deal as you might think. There is plenty that you can do to save your marriage on your own. You can approach this in a positive way. You can identify the problems. And you can begin to address them in painless ways. Once your husband sees that actual progress is being made and that the process isn’t painful, he just may want to save your marriage even if he doesn’t declare it out loud.

So to answer the question posed, if I were this wife, I would just proceed to try to save the marriage on my own. I wouldn’t pressure or guilt him. I wouldn’t add negative emotions into the mix. Instead, I would try to show him that the marriage could be saved instead of telling him. And I would make the process fun for him so that he would be a willing participant.

Of course, I am saying all of this with confidence now. This is what I did in the end to save my marriage, but it isn’t what I did in the beginning when I made many mistakes that almost cost me my marriage.  No, in the beginning, I made more mistakes than I care to admit.  But luckily, I was eventually able to clean up the mess.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse agrees to allow you to try to save your marriage, you may feel as if you’ve just scored a major victory.  It may seem as if all you have to do is to get down to work to find the right strategy and eventually your marriage will be saved.  Unfortunately, this scenario assumes that you have a receptive and willing partner.  And that is just not always the case.  Sometimes, your husband will claim that he will cooperate or will at least listen.  But when you attempt to do things to improve or save your marriage, he will almost belittle or undermine you.

Someone might explain: “five months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a separation or divorce.  I was somewhat stunned.  I knew that things were rocky between us, but I never anticipated throwing in the towel or giving up. And that is why I literally begged him – over the course of several weeks – to allow me to attempt to save our marriage.   I told him that I would do most of the heavy lifting. At first he flat out told me no.  Then he told me that while he appreciated what I was trying to do, he felt that he thought that it would all be a waste of time.  I asked him what was the harm in letting me try. He finally relented and agreed to stay for another four weeks or so.  But it was pretty obvious that he didn’t hold out much hope.  Still, I didn’t expect him to sabotage and ridicule me in the way that he is.  I tried to start out by doing easy things.  I paid a lot of attention to my appearance, but then my husband got annoyed that I bought new clothes and spent money on a makeover.  I’ve asked that we walk together after dinner to talk and he doesn’t say much during these walks.  After dinner last night, he sat down to watch TV and then he sarcastically said: ‘oh yeah, that’s right. I have to do walking marital counseling with Dr. Phil, I mean, my wife.’  He said it like he was cracking a joke, but the implication was mean spirited.  I told him that he certainly didn’t have to go.  His response was ‘I told you that I would give you four weeks and I will.  But I don’t feel as if we are making progress.’  This is so depressing.  And I’m not sure that we are going to make much progress if he continues to sabotage me like this.  It seems like he’s always waiting to make fun of me when I’m sincerely trying to help us.”

I very much understand your frustration.  But, from my own experience,  I think that it’s possible that you are trying to take on too many roles.  It can be very hard to come up with a plan and then implement it on yourself and on your husband.  Because you are too close to the situation.   It’s very hard to have this type of objectivity.  And when your spouse rejects what you’re doing, it’s very hard to not take it personally.

Putting Yourself In A New Role: If your spouse said he would give you four weeks, then you need to take full advantage of that time.  You need to make sure that the plan you’re trying has the highest chance of success.  That is why I strongly suggest either counseling or, if your spouse is resistant to that, then self help.  That way, when it’s time to take part in the exercises or concepts, your husband can’t really poke fun at you, since you are not the person behind the concepts.  You are just carrying them out.  If he thinks that the idea is stupid or funny, well, he’s not going to be laughing at you.   With this plan, you are only taking on one role – the role of a spouse trying something new, which is the same as your husband.  This allows you to feel as if you are in this together – which can’t happen if you are the one implementing the plan.

You can set the stage for this by saying something like: “I hear what you are saying, and maybe I overestimated my psychological abilities.  I’m certainly not a martial therapy expert, but I think that it’s time that we see one or at least get some resources written by one.  I know that you’ve said that you’d give me four weeks, so I want to make the most of that time.  Would you be willing to spend that time implementing suggestions from experts?  We don’t have to do anything that we both object to and we can certainly choose things that align with our personalities and comfort levels.  But I can tell by your reaction that my trying to do this on my own isn’t working.  So can we get some outside help?”

If he balks, do your research and find a counselor or self help and present that to him so that he feels that he has a choice.  The idea is to get him to listen to someone else, since he seems resistant to listening to you.  That way, you’re not always the bad guy or the one he’s laughing at.

I know that this is difficult, but try not to take this too personally.  It’s normal for couples to resist, laugh at, or lash out at their counselor.  And in this case, you are taking on the role of the counselor, which can be problematic.  If you can get someone else to take over that role, you might feel less resistance.  In the meantime, keep reminding yourself that you do have time (four weeks) and know that you don’t have to do everything at once.  It’s easier to make small, consistent gains than to attempt huge leaps that come all at once.  Take what he gives you and be very methodical in your approach. If it helps, you can read about how I eventually successfully approached my own separation (through luck, for some of it) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I dialog with many people who are going through a marital separation and I have gone through one myself.  The majority of people describe the separation as very difficult and heartbreaking.  Very few people enjoy their lives during the separation – partially because there is just too much uncertainty, pain, and drama.  Also, it is hard to just sit idly and wait and see what happens.  Since you don’t always know what your spouse is thinking and you can not control their actions, you can feel as if your hands are tied for much of the time.  This can be especially true if you feel that your spouse is ignoring you.

Someone might say: “when my husband was trying to sell me on the idea of him moving out, he tried to make it sound like we would talk all of the time.  I had some small doubts about this, but I did not think that he would out and out lie to me. And I wanted to be optimistic.   The separation started with him reaching out to me much less than I wanted.  Then it progressed to him not returning my calls or texts when I had to resort to reaching out to him.  When he pretty much ignores me like this, I keep trying and sometimes he will eventually answer or return my calls, but he always keeps things very brief and very cold.  This is very upsetting to me.  I am feeling ignored.  And I don’t like that feeling at all.  I find myself wondering just what I have to do to get my own husband’s attention.  And I feel discarded.  I feel almost as if he conned me to accept the separation with the full knowledge that he would begin to distance himself from me almost immediately.  How do I get him to stop ignoring me?”

I will admit that this can be a very tricky situation.  I was in this situation myself and I really made a mess of things.  Because you feel the need to make yourself heard, you tend to get more and more demanding and more and more panicked as time goes on. As a result, your husband backs further and further away as you display the behavior that he is trying to avoid.  (At least this is what happened in my case.)

Why Separated Husbands Pull Away: Many husbands who tend to pull away in the beginning of the separation are looking for space. So when you come full throttle at them demanding that they make room for you, many will back away, since this is the exact opposite of what they were looking for.  This leaves you in an unfortunate position.  The natural inclination is to attempt to do something (anything, really) that forces them to pay attention to you.  It just feels wrong to back off and to let them come to you.

Negative Strategies Usually Backfire: I can tell you from experience that attempting negative strategies to get their attention and reaction is usually not the way to go.  It just makes things worse.  He pulls away even more, potentially becomes angry or frustrated, and vows to avoid you altogether.  You become desperate and begin to do more and more outlandish things to get his attention and you feel pretty badly about the whole thing.  Despair can set in.  It’s not a great combination for either of you.

Why Pausing Can Have Unexpected Consequences: Conversely, the other option (backing away, even ever so slightly) can feel as if you are giving up or are just leaving things to chance.  I resisted this strategy for a very long time.  In fact, I only used it because I had no cards left to play when I was desperately trying to get my husband’s attention.  I basically threw up my hands and decided to regroup.  And then something unexpected happened.  My husband was curious about my silence.  His curiosity turned to concern.  And he reached out to me.  This played out a couple of times until he was regularly initiating contact.  When I saw how well this worked, I continued.  I’m stubborn, but not stupid.  I was going to do whatever worked to make him interested again.  (And it was pretty clear that he was very uninterested when I was demanding he pay attention to me.)  But when I let him initiate the interest, then he was suddenly much more interested.

I want to be honest here. This can be hard to pull off.  Every instinct you have may be saying to call him, to get his attention, to make him stop ignoring you.  But when you get these urges, make yourself stop.  Ask yourself what you really want in the end.  You likely want your marriage and your husband. And the way to get those things is not to keep doing what hasn’t worked.  It’s to see if something new might be more effective.   I fully understand that it’s frustrating and painful to feel ignored.  You want to make it stop.  But sometimes the most effective way to make it stop isn’t the strategy that you would think.  Sometimes, it is the quiet, unassuming strategy that works the best and gets you what you want.  You can read more about how I used this strategy on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There is no question that sexual attraction and physical intimacy are important components to a marriage.  When we are dating and experiencing these feelings, they give us a sense of euphoria and confirm that we are most definitely with the right person.  If and when they start to wane in any way, we notice and we mourn their loss.

Some people will even take this a little further and will worry that this change means that they will experience the potential downfall of their marriage.  For example, someone might say: “this is going to sound awful and I hate even having to make this admission, but I worry that this occurrence is going to have some very real implications.  This morning, when I saw my husband crossing the street to come into our front door, I realized that I was not excited by the sight of him in the way that I used to be.  And honestly, I can’t remember the last time that I was excited at his presence.  And it’s not that he’s completely lost his looks – although he has lost some of them.  It’s just that I don’t feel as lustful toward him.  And I worry about what that means.  Don’t get me wrong.  I honestly think that we have had a good marriage.  We’ve had great times together and we don’t have a lot of conflict.  My husband is considerate, a good listener, and an even better companion.  But he just doesn’t excite me in the way that he used to.  And I feel as if all marriages need this type of excitement, don’t they?  When the excitement is over, isn’t the marriage over too?”

I definitely do not believe that this has to be the case.  Perhaps if the excitement is gone AND your husband and marriage are both less than optimal, then you might be understandably alarmed.  If you were living with a man who hurt you or who wasn’t pleasant to live with, then opinions may differ.  But a kind man who you’ve described as a good partner and as still decent looking?  I would definitely fight for that.  There are too few good men.  And you already have one with whom you have demonstrated companionship and, once upon a time, contentment.

Admittedly, you don’t have excitement.  But I can not tell you how common this is.  And I can also tell you that it is possible to get the excitement back.  Several years ago, months before my separation, I was talking with my grandmother.  And we were talking about marriage in general and I confessed that I wasn’t always thrilled with my husband in the way that I used to be.  My grandmother sarcastically chortled back: “well, I’m no longer thrilled with the sight of my towncar, either.  But let’s be honest. I don’t wash it like I used to.  I throw trash in it.  And it’s no longer shiny and new.  But guess what?  It still gets me where I want to go.”

At the time, I wasn’t really listening because my grandmother makes a habit out of these one-liners that are just meant to be funny.  But after my own separation and reconciliation, I fully understand what she meant and I realized that she was absolutely right.   She was saying that we often no longer have our heart stopped when something is no longer shiny and new because that sense of wonder that we had initially has worn down.  She insinuated that this is partially our fault because of our own neglect.  We no longer take care of our prize in the way that we once did, and so we are no longer as invested, or as thrilled.

Although I didn’t put two and two together at the time, my grandmother’s advice allowed me to eventually save my marriage – once I began to give it my attention and effort.  I wasn’t always able to give the attention and effort DURING the separation, because my husband was not always receptive.  But once he was, these efforts did result in a return of the excitement.  And I learned a very important lesson.  When you are not feeling excitement, you have to ask yourself what YOU are doing to bring about the excitement.  Because after the newness has worn off, it’s not just generated on its own. Real life and every day problems can get in the way.  You have to work tirelessly not to allow these things to eat away at your excitement and intimacy.  You have to actively do things to protect it and, like my grandmother’s car, you have to take care of it, baby it, and give gratitude for the fact that, although it may change over time, it is, in fact yours.  It is loyal and comforting, and it gets you where you want to go, but if you only give it the chance.

There is a time in some marriages where things gets a little stale due to neglect.  But myself and countless others are proof that you can get it back.  I am so glad that I got it back with my own husband rather than just trying again with some random stranger.  Getting back into the dating scene never excited me.  I strongly believe that it’s better to fix a relationship that has shown true love initially than to start all over with the unknown.

I’m not sure that you can expect butterflies in your stomach every day of your married life.  But I believe that, with effort, you should expect a sense of pleasure and intimacy when you are with your spouse.  This doesn’t happen automatically.  You have to work at it.  You have to work hard sometimes.  But my experience is that what you get back makes this effort more than worth it.  And it means that I am still married today.  There’s more about our journey from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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