Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, there is often not any way to predict how long a marital or trial separation will last. Most couples leave the time frame open-ended because they have no idea how they are going to feel while apart from each other. Most are waiting to see what will happen and what changes in perception might take place. This can be frustrating when you really want to reconcile as soon as possible. Plus, it can feel like the longer you are separated, the less chance you have for a reconciliation. People can start to panic with each week and then month that passes.

I hear from some folks who have a certain time frame in their head where they’ll assume that they’ve reached the point of no return. A common example is six months. You might hear from someone who says: “I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed that we would still be separated after half a year. I honestly thought that the separation might last for a month at the most. Admittedly, the separation was not my decision.  When to reconcile won’t be my decision, either. But I figured that my husband would quickly see that being separated isn’t a picnic. Although he doesn’t seem all that happy being separated either, he has made no attempts to reconcile. It is going on six months now. We talk semi-regularly. We are cordial. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. So it doesn’t seem that a reconciliation would be out of the question. However, some of my friends say that it has just been too long to believe that my husband will ever come back. Are they right? Does it get to the point where too much time has passed during the separation?”

Why The Circumstances Matter: In my opinion, your friends might have a more valid point if you were not in contact with your husband at all. When contact is very limited, that can be more of a concern because in order to reconcile, you need to be in contact. However, in this case, regular communication is still taking place. My separation felt pretty lengthy to me. In fact, many of my friends had the same concerns – that it had dragged on to the point where I needed to just give it up. And yet, I’m still married today. I think that part of the delay was due to the fact that I tried to pressure and push my husband before he was ready, so he resisted me. But I’m not the only person I know who was separated for a while and then eventually got back together.

What Contributes To A Longer Time Frame: There are many valid reasons that the separation can take so long. People want to give themselves enough time to see how they are feeling. They don’t want to rush into a decision as serious as a divorce or reconciliation. If they are in counseling, they want to give it time to work.  A longer separation does not necessarily mean that no one is interested in ever reconciling.

With that said, it never hurts to look around and see if you are doing anything that might be delaying your chance at a reconciliation. Sometimes, the very things that you think are helping might actually be hurting. In my case, I thought that being in constant contact and repeatedly pressuring my husband to come back was going to bring about a faster reconciliation, but this only turned my husband off and delayed any progress. So, ask yourself if there’s any issue that might be the fly in the ointment. Because sometimes, by taking an honest look at things, you can make an adjustment that will change everything.

Beyond this, in my experience the best thing that you can do is to position yourself in a way where you’re doing everything that you can to contribute to a reconciliation. This may mean open communication, patience, a positive attitude, counseling, regular contact, and an attempt to reconnect. If you’ve done all of these things and the time frame is still up in the air, then I found it helpful to keep myself as busy as possible so that I wouldn’t dwell on the timing and I would not pressure my husband. I thought that this might hurt my situation, but it actually helped. My husband actually took more interest in the whole process.  It was actually backing away that allowed a reconciliation to even be possible. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re going through the trial separation that you never wanted, you can intuitively know that every interaction that you have with your spouse during this time period can be quite important. So you can put a lot of pressure on yourself to have the perfect conversations and interactions. Unfortunately, things can be quite awkward between you and your spouse during this difficult time. And the added pressure doesn’t help.

One place where this can be particularly evident is in conversations. There obviously needs to be an easy rapport between you. After all, if you are going to reconcile, you’ll need to communicate effectively. But the words can be difficult and the conversations can be tense. Sometimes, you almost feel as if you have to resort to small talk with your own spouse and you wonder why in the world it should be this difficult when you’re known this person for so long and have shared your life with them.

A wife might say: “I know that I need to spark some very good conversations with my separated husband. It feels as if our marriage is on very thin ice. Unfortunately, I do not get to talk to him nearly as much as I’d like. He sort of brushes me off sometimes when I call him, so we basically talk about once per week – mostly about the kids. I understand why it’s very important that we talk about the kids and I’m not complaining about this. But when I try to steer the conversation to something else – like our marriage – things get uncomfortable or awkward. We struggle with the conversation or there is silence. My husband and I used to be able to talk about anything. We used to effortlessly talk for a long time. Now it seems like everything is a struggle. The only conversation that goes well is when we talk about the kids. Last night, I resorted to talking about politics and that was a disaster. I am not sure how to spark a good conversation and that is just so ironic because this man is my husband and I should be able to talk to him.”

Why Forcing It Is Not Always The Best Option: I totally understand your concern. I had the same issues during my own separation. It seemed that the harder I tried, the worse things got. It got so that I was afraid to even open my mouth. But I knew that I had to, because obviously, if you want to reconcile, you have to talk. But here is something that I learned the hard way. You don’t always need to talk about your marriage – especially at first. In fact, from my own experience, I came to the opinion that it was better NOT to talk about the difficult marital issues until our relationship could withstand it. Because it seemed to me that attempting to do so was only making things worse.

I got the best results when I was able to keep the conversation very light hearted and even funny. So we talked about mutual friends, uplifting stories or conversations we’d heard, our parents, our mutual friends, our childhoods, my new hobbies (that I’d picked up during the separation,) some funny stories about living alone, books we’d read, movies we’d seen, etc. If this sounds like small talk, well, in a way, it was. But since you’ve having light-hearted small talk with someone who you already know very well, there should be a bit of intimacy within it.

The reason that keeping things light worked well is because it allowed my husband and I to gradually become more comfortable so that eventually, we were talking much more often. Sure, in time we did need to broach those hard topics like our problems, what to do about our marriage, etc. But it was much better to save that until we were on firm ground again and until is was clear that we could withstand it.

Keeping It Simple: So my suggestion as to how to spark a conversation is to stick to what is going to be easy to talk about. And sometimes, that is the kids. That’s perfectly fine. Of course, you don’t want to be limited to just the kids. There are usually enough current events to chat about. But you want to keep it light and you want to keep it flowing. You may have to start out slow and work your way up. It’s even okay to limit the time so that you are both left wanting more. Once the conversations flow more easily, you’ll find yourself talking more frequently and for longer periods of time.

The whole idea is to start slowly and with easy topics. From there, you build up to more talking. Once you are very comfortable and have an ease with one another, you can then ask yourself if you are ready to discuss the more difficult or more important topics. In my experience, there is no reason to rush this. If there is any doubt, it is better to wait. You want to create a sense of intimacy, and not distance, through talking. If the hard or awkward conversations create distance, then put them off for now and work on the intimacy instead.

As I alluded to, I learned this the hard way.  My insistence in pushing my husband almost lead to a divorce.  So I backed up and I kept things very easy, simple, and gradual.  I rejoiced over very small victories.   But by not pushing, I was able to save my marriage, which was the goal all along. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Sometimes, husbands who initiate a separation because they want space can seem to distance themselves from their wives in an almost conscious manner. They seem to be deliberately doing this on purpose, as if the distance will somehow make the separation easier. That’s why it can be very surprising when that same husband seems to suddenly change his position and suggests something that could potentially help your marriage. One example is counseling, (although some wives understandably aren’t sure if the counseling is meant to help save the marriage or to pave the way for a healthier divorce.)

A wife might say: “my husband and I attended counseling briefly when we were still living together. Honestly, I hoped that it would help us, but it hurt us more. My husband chose this male counselor who obviously thought that everything was my fault. He found no fault at all with my husband’s behavior, but seemed to think that I was contaminating the marriage at every turn. I resented some of the things that this counselor said and although I tried to listen to some of his suggestions, the counseling was honestly a disaster and I believe that it’s one of the reasons why my husband pursued a separation and moved out. He figured if counseling didn’t help, then we might as well cut our losses. Once my husband moved out, he asked me for space and became very distant, rarely responding to my phone calls or texts. I got the message after a while and just tried leaving him alone as much as I could. I wasn’t sure what else to do because every time I tried to bring him closer to me or get him to answer my calls, he pulled even further away. After weeks of my leaving him alone, he called me and said that he had been thinking about our marriage and has decided that perhaps we should try counseling again. I immediately said that I did not want the same counselor and my husband conceded that I could choose the counselor this time. However, as thrilled as I am that at least he will have to spend time with me in counseling, I worry about what this means. Maybe he wants to go to counseling just to make sure we have a healthy divorce or that we co-parent effectively. I want to believe that the reason for counseling is to move us toward reconciling, but I can’t know what he is thinking. Am I wrong to be hesitant about the counseling?”

I understand your hesitation. And I know first hand that you can have a completely different experience when you switch counselors. Not everyone has success with counseling, but I always feel that it is worth a try. Most counselors are ultimately trying to ensure that you improve your situation. Yes, sometimes there are personality clashes or biases at play. And in those cases, there is nothing wrong with switching. The fact that your husband is willing to switch is, at least in my eyes, a good sign.

I believe that there’s very little downside to asking around and finding a good counselor who is known for saving marriages. He has said that you can choose, so now is the time to really do your research and to find the person who is known to slant his or her practice toward successfully saving marriages. That minimizes the potential for a surprise once in the office. If it doesn’t go well or it isn’t what you expected, you can always reevaluate. But it’s certainly worth a try to go to someone who is known to have success to see if that person can help you, especially since your husband is willing to go.

As far as paving the way for healthy co-parenting or divorce, I understand that concern, but believe it or not, I’ve seen couples go to counseling for co-parenting and come out with a saved marriage. Sometimes, the issues overlap somewhat. And just by working together, you sometimes make some marital progress. I’m not sure that you should discount something that might be beneficial just because of past experiences or fear. If it doesn’t work out, you can always try self help or something else. But seeing a professional and getting someone else’s unbiased and professional opinion can be very helpful.

I know from my own experience that it’s very easy to focus on fears and “what ifs” right now. I did the same. However, let’s look at how far you have come. Your husband was resistant to communication and now, not only is he reaching out to you, but he’s willing to take that a step further and go to counseling. Not all husbands are willing to do this. I’d call that progress and a reason to be cautiously hopeful. I didn’t always have these advantages (especially in the beginning) and although I did eventually make my marriage work,  it might have been easier if my husband had been more cooperative.  I had to work with what I had. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There can be some resentment when you begged your husband not to pursue a separation and, in the end, you turned out to be right.  I will admit that many reluctantly separated wives fantasize about their husband crawling back and admitting that it was a mistake to separate in the first place.  Very few of us actually have this fantasy come true.  But those that do can wonder how to handle it.  Because it can be tempting to want to teach your husband a lesson.  After all, you told him that separating was a mistake, but he refused to listen to you and pushed for it anyway.  Now you’ve upended your family and gone through an avoidable and painful experience.  Shouldn’t he be made aware of this?  And just how should you respond when your separated husband comes crawling back?

A wife might say: “I begged my husband not to move out.  I honestly spent weeks trying to convince him that separating was a mistake.  My husband is the type of person who tends to think that the grass is always greener somewhere else.  I knew that he was romanticizing being separated.  And I knew that the reality of it was not going to be what he wanted.   I also knew that he was largely exaggerating our problems.  Yes, things have changed between us, but it seemed very premature to just separate before we’d tried working things out. I presented all of these facts to him over and over again, stressing that I was still invested in our marriage.  And yet, none of this seemed to matter to him.  He moved out anyway.  And then, about four weeks later, he called me up and confessed that I was right and that it was a mistake to separate.  He basically said that he’s made his point, that he sees that he’s not happier without me, and that now he’s ready to come home.  My initial reaction is to either be relieved or to gloat. I can’t forget how much I begged him to stay and how he all but ignored me.  I’ve considered telling him that I am not ready for him to come home simply to teach him a lesson.  He needs to take decisions more seriously – especially when they affect people other than just himself.  Some of my friends say that I should just give him a pass for the sake of my marriage, but I hate that idea.  It’s like he just gets to decide our fate on a whim and then change his mind, while I just have to roll with the tide.  His decision broke my heart, and I want him to realize it.  I want him to learn his lesson.”

I completely get where you’re coming from.  I too felt some resentment about my husband’s decision to move out and separate from me.  Unfortunately, I never had the luxury of him begging me to come back, so I can’t say how I might have handled it. Because it looked like we might divorce, I probably would have taken him back in any way that I could get him.  I was desperate to save my marriage. And for a while, it looked like this just would not be possible.

I found that while it’s very tempting to keep score, doing so really doesn’t serve you or your marriage.  It just reinforces the wounds and hurt feelings, while damaging a marriage that is already fragile.  There’s nothing that says you can’t share your frustration at the wasted time, but I would not rub salt in the wound or risk your reconciliation just to make a point.  You want to think about the long term implications of anything that you are doing.  You also want to make sure that your husband isn’t just rushing into a decision because of emotions.

That’s why I would suggest responding with something like this: “I’m relieved that you’ve found that the grass wasn’t greener outside of our marriage.  But I also know that you were so unhappy before that I couldn’t convince you to stay.  That’s why I think that it would be better for us to ease into your returning back home.  Why don’t we start by having you stay here on weekends? That way, we can see how things are going and we don’t make another abrupt decision.”

This response does many things for you.  It means that your husband will see what it feels like to abide by someone else’s decision.  He’s not getting to come home immediately, as he’s requested.  But better than that, it means that you aren’t rushing into anything.  And should your husband come home and you find the old issues popping up again, you’ll have time to make some adjustments, since he’s moving back in gradually.  The last thing you want is for him to abruptly move back in and then find himself unhappy again.  That’s why it’s better for you both that you ease back into it.  This way, he might think twice the next time he wants to make a rash decision.  He will most definitely learn a lesson.  And you won’t be jeopardizing your reconciliation.

My separation was painful, and I did not want to prolong it.  But I used the gradual method of having my husband start with weekends before moving back in full time and it worked very well.  I honestly think that moving slowly very likely contributed to the fact that our reconciliation worked and we are still together today.  There’s more about our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, here is a reality that many of us face: Our husband abruptly announces that he wants a separation. We are very clear on the fact that we DO NOT want that same separation. And yet, our husband seems just as firm about his feelings as we are about ours. Most of us have an initial inclination to try to talk him out of this by any means necessary. But then we sometimes pause and ask ourselves if this would be the right thing to do. Many of us intuitively know that how we react right now could have a huge impact on whether or not we’re able to reconcile later.

Here is a peek into that though process. A wife might say: “my husband wants to separate and he has talked about moving out. To say that I don’t want this is an understatement. The fact of the matter is that I would do anything at all to stay together. However, my husband seems so determined that this is what he wants that I’m afraid of how to approach him in order to change his mind. Our neighbors recently separated and the wife would constantly drive by the house because she wanted to save the marriage when the husband did not. Sometimes, we would all be talking outside, and I admit that we laughed at that wife when she drove by because she seemed so desperate. I regret that now, but I do have to admit that her husband seemed to respect her less for being so openly desperate to save her marriage. I don’t want to be a laughing stock, either. And I’ve gotten conflicting advice about this. One friend says that I should swallow my pride and tell my husband the truth of how I feel. But my mother says that my husband won’t respect me if I beg him to stay or act like I’m not strong. I don’t know what to do at this point, but the thought of just letting him go and allowing him to actually leave gives me a lot of anxiety and dread. At the same time, if letting him go increases my chances of getting him back, then I’d do that too. What should I do?”

I understand your dilemma. Although I certainly can’t tell you what you should do, I can share my own experience with you in the hopes that it will help some. When I was in your situation, I chose to pull out all of the stops to get my husband to stay. I begged and pleaded. I tried to guilt him. I tried to threaten him. I tried to make him feel pity for me. I now realize that all of these things probably only served to make me appear less attractive and, in the end, he left anyway.

Unfortunately, this only increased my urgency and sense of desperation and I kept right on at it even after he moved out. Eventually, he stopped answering as much when I called and be began to very obviously and blatantly avoid me.  This made things much worse and deteriorated my chances for a reconciliation. In fact, it wasn’t until I backed away for some time that he became remotely receptive to me again. And after that, I had to work very slowly. I was always afraid that he would retreat again.

With all of the above said, I believe that our actual reconciliation process took longer (and was more difficult) because we lived apart. Yes, we eventually succeeded and are still together today. But, it was a challenge and I always felt worried and paranoid about what he was doing or what he was feeling. So I don’t think that it would be a horrible idea to CALMLY tell him what you are feeling and then see what kind of response you get.

That would look like something like this: “I know that you really want to separate. I have heard what you’ve said and I know that this decision is going to be yours to make. With that said, it’s a very serious decision that might greatly impact our lives and I’d like to suggest that you could still have space or take a break without one of us actually having to leave our home. I will move out of the bedroom and give you space. I am willing to do whatever is necessary. I just wanted to throw that out there and offer this as a suggestion. I will respect whatever decision that you make, but I just feel that this is too serious a decision to not explore every option.”

You may be surprised and he may agree to try just taking space at home. Or, he may be set on moving out. In that case, I think that your best bet is to not become unhinged and unstable in the way that I was. I think that at that point, you have to do damage control and make it your first priority to maintain a positive relationship during the separation so that you maintain as much access to him as is possible. In some cases, this means letting him go TEMPORARILY because some husbands just believe that they need to try actually leaving. So you lose a battle in order to win the war. You retreat so that you have access. You reassess. And you make your move later. I think that this strategy is better than becoming like the wife on the street who everyone was laughing at. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to play the long game rather than the short one.

It never hurts to try to get him to stay.  But if it becomes obvious that he still wants to go and he insists on leaving, then move on to your long game.  Try to have open access and try to maintain a good relationship.  That makes it much more likely that he will be open to you – and eventually, open to a reconciliation.  I learned this far too late.  But thankfully, I was able to turn things around eventually. There’s more of that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I can think of few things that are more devastating than having your husband admit that he doesn’t love you anymore.  Because this is so tough, you will often try to look for the silver lining in the situation.  Perhaps he just had an off day and denied loving you out of frustration.  Or, if the love has left, perhaps you can get it back as long as he hangs around.  Speaking of which, that can become a point of concern also. Many wives do not understand why a husband who has claimed to no longer love them is still in the house and hasn’t yet made a plan to leave.

These wives might share a concern like this one: “my husband and I have been fighting non-stop lately.  During one of our fights, he blurted out: ‘this is a joke.  We don’t even love each other anymore.’  I replied by telling him that I absolutely still love him.  And then, to clarify, I asked him if he loved me or not.  He said that as things stand right now, he doesn’t think so.  Since that night, I have prepared myself for him to move out or to initiate a divorce.  He has not.  In fact, he just mopes around and seems happy enough to go with the negative status quo.  He’s made it clear that he’s no longer invested in me because he does not love me.  He thinks our marriage isn’t worth his time.  And yet he stays with me and makes no attempt to leave.  Why would a man who doesn’t love his wife stay put?”

Well, I can certainly give you some theories, although your husband would be the best person to give you a glimpse into what he is feeling.  Below I will list what I think are possibilities, based on my research and from what I’ve heard from men in this situation (including my own husband, who did eventually pursue a separation before we reconciled.)

He May Know That His Frustration May Be Only Temporary:  Without question, most of the time when you have the “I don’t love you anymore” conversation, you have it during a crisis or during a fight.  There is usually an element of frustration that comes into play.  And I often think that if you had the same conversation during a calmer time period, you might not hear him claim that he doesn’t love you.  He may know this too, which is why he isn’t acting in haste about a separation or divorce.  He may know in his heart that although he isn’t feeling particularly loving because of all of the fighting, the feelings of love may be just under the surface so that they could one day come back under the right circumstances.  Considering this, he doesn’t want to do anything that might take this option off the table.

He May Feel A Sense Of Obligation To Try To See It Through:  I think that, as a whole, our society is now much more aware of the damage that a broken home can do to both our children and to ourselves.  Also, most of us are well aware that second marriages have a much stronger chance of failing than first marriages.  So, most people do realize that the grass is not necessarily going to be greener on the other side of the fence. Knowing this, why hurt the people who we have promised to love before we are absolutely sure that nothing can be done?  This type of thinking may be why your husband is staying put for now – he may hope that things get better and he doesn’t want to cause unnecessary pain before he absolutely has to.

He May Be Waiting To See What Happens:  Things change in marriage.  Sometimes, things feel wonderful.  And other times, things feel awful.  But often, if you just hang in there and pay attention to changes that need to be made, the awful can sometimes turn into the wonderful again eventually.  And that very possibility might be why your husband is hanging around.  He might think that its premature to pull the plug on a relationship as serious as marriage over a short string of fights.  The situation can look differently as things calm down, which might be what he is waiting for.

Going Forward:  So what does all of this mean for you?  I think that you have to concentrate on the fact that he’s still there.  I know that it would be easy to concentrate on his hurtful words.  But words are not actions.  And his actions show that he wants to stay with you for now. So if you are still invested in your marriage, that is where I would place my focus – on the fact that he stayed, which means that you still have a chance to save your marriage.

I know that his words have hurt.  But words are only permanent if they are turned into action.  So far, that hasn’t happened.  So now is the time to try to determine what would make your marriage improve so that the feelings will come back and no one will need to move out.  This reality may seem far away right now, but I know for sure that it is possible because I’ve done it myself, (even though there were times when I was sure that I was probably headed for divorce.)  I found a way to turn it around and I suspect that you can too.  If you’d like to read more about that, you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel that they have the almost impossible task of saving their marriage totally alone because they are the only one who believes that the marriage is worth the effort to save. Their husband has either told them that he’s unhappy and considering a divorce, or he has moved out to pursue a separation. Either way, he’s been pretty clear on the fact that currently, he doesn’t hold his marriage in high regard. He might use adjectives like “broken,” “damaged,” or “struggling” to describe the marriage, while he himself is distant and cold. These wives know that they have much more than an uphill battle. But the logical first step seems to be to get him receptive to the fact that saving the marriage is in fact possible. And will also ultimately be worth it. Figuring out how to do this can be a challenge.

A wife might say: “my husband isn’t all that interested in talking to me, much less in saving our marriage. We are technically separated, at his insistence. The great irony is that even he admits that I haven’t done anything wrong. He says that we’ve just grown apart and that he doesn’t feel the closeness with me anymore. As a result, he doesn’t want to live his life without the love and excitement that he thinks that he deserves. I have asked him not to be hasty in his thought process, but I do not know if I’m getting through to him. I asked him to go to counseling, and although he hasn’t told me no, he alludes to the fact that he believes it will be a waste of time. He gives me the impression that he sees our marriage as something that simply needs to be put out of its misery.  I do not agree with this assessment at all. I know that we have a long way to go to restore our marriage, but I believe that if we both made the effort, we could honestly make it work eventually. The problem is that I just don’t know how to get him on board when he’s so very resistant to me. How do you convince your husband that your marriage truly is worth saving?”

I agree with you that this can be extremely tricky. I underwent this task myself both before and during my separation. As my separation was not over nearly as fast as I wanted it to be, I have to concede that I didn’t have immediate success with convincing my husband. In my experience, the more you try to wear down your husband with logic, debating, and pleas, the more he is going to resist. The more you try to keep going at him, the more he can sense your desperation and your desire to “out talk” him and the more he’s going to be determined that you won’t succeed.

Don’t Be So Quick To Try And Prove Him Wrong: I learned way too late that I was better off conceding as many points with my own husband as I could. At the end of the day, I had much more success when I could be on his side rather than trying to force my own opinion onto him. Once I realized and implemented this, he resisted me much less. For example, if I were in your situation, I’d immediately agree with my husband that he was right in his perception that life is too short not to be truly happy in your marriage. That was one mistake I made. I tried to convince my husband that his wishes were unrealistic. I implied that he was selfish to expect his life to be sunshine and roses when in fact, that isn’t true for most people. I would have been better off telling him that he had every right to want to be happy, and then offering suggestions as to how he could be happy with me. And that’s my recommendation for you. The more quickly you can find something on which to agree, the better off you generally are.

Have A Plan And Then Explain It Calmly And Succinctly: When you have this conversation with your husband, you want for it to be clear that you have put a lot of thought and care into it. You want for him to know that you already have a workable plan so that he only has to go along with it. (The less work and pain that someone has to do to accomplish something, the more likely they are to agree to it.) Examine what your biggest issues are and then decide how you will go about addressing those issues. That might be counseling or a shift in your lifestyle or behavior. Whatever it is, calmly explain why you think that ending your marriage would detrimental to you both (and to your family if you have children) and then explain how you plan to get the happy, fulfilling marriage that he wants. Stress that you’re willing to do whatever it takes, including counseling if he is willing.

Know When To Stop: Assuming that your husband gave you his attention the first time, you don’t need to keep hammering away at your points, although I know that it’s tempting (and it’s frankly exactly what I did.) I say this because the more you repeat something, the more likely he is to begin to tune you out. You really only need to say it once and then turn your attention to improving things between you, which leads me to my next point.

Try To Steer Clear Of A Heavy Atmosphere: Once you’ve had your say and he’s heard you, then you need to work on the atmosphere between you. He’s much more likely to consider what you’ve said when you’ve shown him that things can be light hearted and easy between you. The goal is to build a light hearted interaction so that he’s comfortable regularly being with you and talking to you. The more that you can build the easy closeness, the more likely he is going to be to believe that your marriage is not only worth saving, but actually CAN be saved.

In my own experience, I found it better to save our most troublesome issues for late in the process.  The reason is because your marriage is just too fragile to be picked apart when you’re separated.  Instead, I found that you are better off creating an easy and relaxed atmosphere and building upon that.  The idea is to rebuild the closeness and intimacy first and THEN to have the difficult discussions.  This makes your husband literally see that your marriage is worth saving, so that you don’t really need to give a formal presentation about it over and over.  Plus, it’s much more effective to show rather than tell.  If you’d like to read more of the story, you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some people do very little talking in the time frame before their actual marital separation.  The reason for this is that emotions are running high and it can seem that there is very little to say that might make any difference.  Plus you can be so angry, hurt, and upset that you don’t want to say something that you might regret.

But things have a way of calming down some once you are actually are living apart.  And after some time has passed, you can begin to miss your spouse and want to talk things out.  After all, if you can lay your cards on the table, then maybe you can start to heal, and this may put you toward the first step of reconciliation.  However, like many separated wives, you may find that your husband avoids you when you try to have this “talk.”  He may not out and out refuse to have the conversation.  Instead, you may find that he gives vague excuses or just puts you off.  But however he acts, it may become quite obvious that he’s just not ready to talk about your marriage yet, which can make you question where you stand.

A wife might say: “When my husband and I separated, everything happened very quickly.  He became furious with me and he left the house abruptly.  We didn’t make anything legal.  We just had the understanding that we were going to be separated for a while.  Due to his anger, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married to me anymore.  I knew that it was best to give him time to cool off.  And I think that I was right about this because things have seemed to be a bit better.   He’s now taking my calls and we’ve had some decent phone calls.  But I want to take this to the next level.  I’d like to meet and talk about “us.”  I didn’t want to just spring this on him and I wanted to be honest about it.  So I offered to make him dinner if he’d give me a few minutes to talk about our marriage and what I see for the future.  He told me almost immediately that he did not feel ready to do that, which really hurt me.  What harm can it do to talk about us and about our marriage?  Are we just going to tap dance around the subject and stay separated forever?  Does this means that he wants a divorce?  Why would he not agree when I want to meet and talk?”

He May Be Merely Stalling: There are a few potential reasons.  Of course, I can only guess at them.  Your husband would be the best person to ask, (although I suspect that you might not get a straight answer.)  Much of the time, when separated husbands try to dodge your conversations about the separation or the marriage, it is because that they think that it is too soon to have this type of conversation.  Perhaps in their minds, not enough time has passed to really evaluate where you are, what you want, and what would need to happen in order for things to change.  In short, they might think that things are just too fresh to have any meaningful conversation right now.

He May Be Doubting Or Evaluating His Feelings: Another possibility is that he is isn’t sure how he is feeling about things.  Perhaps the separation and the anger is still a little fresh and while things are definitely improving, he’s still not at a point where he has a firm handle on his feelings.  As such, he doesn’t feel like he’s in the place where he can have deep discussions about them.  This doesn’t mean that he will never want to discuss his feelings or that he wants a divorce or continued separation.  It might just mean that he’s not ready to talk right his second.

Moving Forward: So where does that leave you for now?  Well, as tempting as it might be to want to push, in my experience, that’s the worst thing that you can do.  You’ve said yourself that things have improved, so pushing might mean that you take a step backward.  Instead, you probably want to continue to build on the progress that you are making.  That way, your husband will not feel pressured and you can continue to be more and more comfortable talking about the small things that don’t seem to matter, but actually are building a foundation.

In my own experience, I had to work up to a level of comfort where we could talk about our problems.  And quite frankly, looking back now, it was probably better that way.  Our marriage was just too fragile during our separation .  If I had pushed things, we may have talked our way into more problems.  We would have been defensive and nothing productive would have come from these conversations.  Instead, our light hearted banter (where we didn’t discuss our marriage at all) allowed us to bond and to connect again.  That allowed a strong base from which we could later build – and then (when we were stronger) –  to hash out our issues.  (There’s more of the story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

But I wouldn’t think you’d want to put the cart before the horse in this case.  It’s better to be comfortable and connecting and ONLY THEN to discuss the hard topics.  I’d suggest allowing your husband to shelf the hard conversations for now.  Continue on with the path that allows you to make progress and then to gradually shoot for more.  There is a far greater risk to reward ratio this way and everyone is more comfortable.

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you are separated, it’s just unavoidable that you will have to attend some functions alone.  People may see you out and about without your spouse more than once.  Understandably, people can be curious and this curiosity can drive them to ask you personal questions about your separation.  It can be difficult to know how to answer this, especially if you’re worried that your answer might get back to other people, or worse, to your husband.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I try to create a united front during our separation.  He tries to still attend our children’s events.  And when he does, we typically sit together.  However, I have had to attend work functions without him.  I’ve gone out with friends and coworkers without him.  People notice this.  And they have started asking questions. My husband and I were joined at the hip before. I was never without him.  So I understand the curiosity.  But I kind of resent it and I’m not sure how to answer people’s questions.  I know that people ask out of concern and because they care about me.  But I don’t know how to answer them.  Things are up with down with my marriage during the separation. One day my husband acts as if he might be willing to reconcile eventually and the next day he avoids me and acts like I annoy him.  So I have no idea how to answer questions.  The other day, a wife of one of my husband’s coworkers cornered me at the grocery store and started to pry.  I tried very hard to just answer her with vague responses.  At the end she said ‘well, I hope you guys are getting back together.’  I didn’t know how to respond so I said ‘we’ll see.’  And then she proceeded to say that I didn’t sound very enthusiastic and now I’m afraid that she will go back and tell her husband (who will then tell my husband.)  What should I say when people ask these types of noisy questions?”

I understand your frustration and I really wish that people would use more common sense and have a little more empathy. Your marriage and the state of it can be a very private and sensitive topic.  It’s no one else’s business.  I would never feel comfortable asking another person about the state of their marriage, but that didn’t stop people from asking me about mine when I was separated. Like you, I initially fell into the trap of trying to give vague but honest answers.  And still people would sometimes push. Granted, I do believe that most people are just concerned.  But their prying does nothing to help you.

I found that often, it was not enough to be vague.  I’d have to literally change the subject or let them know that I just didn’t wish to go there.   I tried to keep things lighthearted, but I learned to redirect.  So when someone would ask me about my marriage or separation, I eventually realized that I had to say something like: “for right now, we’re not living together.  We’re taking some time to sort things out and we’re hoping for the best.  I hope you understand that I’m going to change the subject now because I’d just like to talk about something different.”  If the person still persisted, I’d just laugh and say “moving on” and then I’d literally change the subject.  For people who were extremely hard headed, I’d literally pretend I had a text on my phone and I’d excuse myself.

I figured if people were that dense, then I didn’t need to worry about allowing myself to exit that situation. I always tried to be as polite as possible, but I wasn’t going to allow someone to grill me about something that truly wasn’t their business when I knew that some of them were just looking to get their excitement for the day or to spread gossip.  Granted, some people really do ask out of concern, but even so, an honest “we’re trying to sort things out” really should be all that is needed.  They don’t need to know your innermost feelings and motivations.  They are likely simply looking for reassurance that you’re coping and are okay, which is why it’s fine to tell them that you’re “hoping for the best.” And then it’s also fine to politely redirect them down after that.

Most people don’t want their private life to be the subject of public scrutiny.  You certainly have the right to privacy.  Another concern is that there are a subset of people who will tell you their unsolicited opinion.  They might say something like: “I always sensed that things were tense between you two,” or “your husband seemed very unhappy to me.”  Again, you don’t have to engage with that.  You can simply say: “that’s an interesting observation.  Moving on, now” and then just change the subject.

You are under no obligation to sit there and have a conversation that you don’t wish to have.  If the person is truly a good friend and is truly concerned about you, then it should be obvious that you want to avoid the topic.  And a good friend who is truly concerned will be more than willing to respect your wishes.

I hope that helps some.  If you’d like to read about some more of my coping mechanisms during my separation (which thankfully ended in a reconciliation) you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are people who have told me that even though their spouse hasn’t yet mentioned a separation or divorce, they know that it is coming. Because they can feel it. They notice a subtle shift in their spouse. He appears to be losing interest. He’s restless. And you can almost see the wheels spinning in his head, looking for a way out. You often aren’t exactly sure what to do about this, but you suspect that if you could just get him to feel something positive for you again, you might find a way out of this marital funk.

A wife might say: “I honestly don’t think that my husband feels much for me anymore. He’s polite to me. But he is polite to everyone. My husband is simply a nice guy, so he would never be mean to me. He would just sort of be indifferent, in the way that he is right now. If something upsetting happens to me at work, he will listen because he is courteous in that way, but he doesn’t attempt to comfort me. He doesn’t go out of his way to ask after me or to see if I am okay. He doesn’t go out of his way to spend one on one time with me. It’s as if we coexist, being polite to one another but not really engaged in our married life. Frankly, I can’t even get him to get mad at me. The other day, I was frustrated with him just treating me as if I were furniture in the room and I lashed out at him, trying to pick a fight. I wanted to get some type of feeling from him. But he basically just said that he was going to go out with friends instead of fighting with me and he left. He came back home after I was asleep. The other day, I asked him if he still loved me and he said that he wasn’t sure what he felt. Honestly, he doesn’t seem to feel anything at all. And that’s what is hurting me the most. I want him to feel genuine feelings for me again. He hasn’t said anything about moving out or separating. But I don’t see how we can’t be headed that way. We don’t interact in the way that a husband and wife should. He doesn’t seem to feel intimately toward me anymore. And I want to get that back. But I worry that it’s too late and the feelings are too far gone.”

Why You Should Never Concede It Being “Too Late” Until You Have To: I am not sure that it’s in your best interest to concede it being too late. I know of MANY marriages (including my own) where a separation or divorce was in the works because both people felt that it was too late. And yet, I am still married. If I had just given in and declared it “too late,” I’d surely be divorced by now. And I’m very glad that I’m not. Like your husband, mine had seemed to lose all interest in me. We even separated. I did many different things to try to get the feelings back and it only seemed to make things worse. Looking back now, I was acting out of desperation and this was obvious and unattractive. It wasn’t until I stopped trying so hard and allowed for things to happen somewhat naturally that the feelings started to return. If you can do this BEFORE your husband actually moves out, I would highly recommend this. You certainly can get the feelings back and save your marriage after a spouse has left, but it’s going to be more challenging, at least in my experience.

Reallocating Time And Attention:  So how do you begin? You ask yourself why the feelings left. In many cases, it is simply a matter of time and real life having their toll. After we are married for some time, we put our priority in other places. This is understandable as we have a job, a house to run, children to raise, and parents to care for. However, when we give our time and attention to these things, we can take it away from our spouse. As a result, our marriage can not help but suffer. And as we begin to take time and effort away, the feelings can begin to fall away also.

The remedy is to replace the time and attention, but this isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. Sometimes, when you attempt to do this, it feels awkward and forced. Or your spouse will wonder what you are up to and then resist. Sometimes, you have to move more gradually so that it feels more natural and can unfold on its own (which was definitely the case for me.) However, even small efforts can pay dividends. Start small and maybe just take a walk after dinner.  Just listen instead of talking.  (Of course, if you know of any issue in your marriage that is causing problems, you want to remove that issue.) But if the distance is simply a matter of growing apart, often time and attention will begin to bridge that gap. Your spouse may resist you at first because it may feel like you shouldn’t have to make a big effort in your marriage. But I would argue that things are always so great in the beginning of courtship for exactly that reason – you are making an effort. And if your marriage isn’t worth the effort, then I don’t know what is. Saving my marriage WAS a huge effort, but it has also had the greatest reward.  Divorce was the last thing I wanted.  You can read more at at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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