Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some people have the unfortunate scenario of having their separation start because of an unfortunate situation. It wasn’t just a matter of growing apart or their spouse needing space. It was an issue that made both parties angry and so things went very wrong. As a result, the couple separates on pretty bad terms. Sometimes, both suspect that a divorce might follow. But then something weird happens. One of them reaches out and asks to remain on friendly terms or to be “friends.” This can leave the other spouse wondering about possible motivations of “friendship” and whether or not this is a good idea.  On the one hand, they may begrudgingly still care deeply about their spouse. On the other hand, they may suspect that their behavior might have a huge impact on whether or not they are able to reconcile.

Someone might say: “I take some responsibility for my separation. However, if my husband had not been so controlling, I would have not have had to be so secretive. My best friend, who my husband hates, needed money in a very desperate way. I took money out of our joint bank account, thinking that I could replace it before he found out. Well, he did find out and he was furious. But I was furious too because I find it unfair to have to sneak around about money because I’ve earned a good deal of what is in our bank account. So I resent having to tiptoe around since I’m spending my own money. I feel that my husband was being pretty controlling about this. So when he got angry at me, I got angry right back. We called each other some nasty names. We slammed a lot of doors. Then we stopped speaking. We ultimately decided to separate and were not on speaking terms for a couple of weeks.  I honestly thought that it was over for us. I felt bad about this. I mean, if I had my wish, I’d want to stay married, but only if things would change. So, yesterday I got a text from my husband saying that the oil in my car was due for a change and that he would take it in if I wanted because he knew that this was something I never did. I was probably a bit of a jerk when I asked my husband why he even cared. He told me that there is nothing wrong with us still caring about each other and even being friends. Why would he want to be my friend? He’s my estranged husband, but he chose that path. Why do separated spouses want to be friends? Is it a bad idea to be friendly?”

Reasons For Remaining Friendly: I desperately wanted to be friends with my separated husband because I wanted to get him back. However, even spouses who aren’t sure if they want to reconcile sometimes want to keep this option open. Because sometimes those raw emotions calm down and that hurt begins to heal. At that point, people can begin to feel that it might make sense to remain on friendly terms and just see what happens.

Also, your husband might be looking back at the situation and realizing that he acted a little hastily and he may have some regret. People can do that when they’ve had some time to think it through. Now that some time has passed, it can be a bit easier to have objectivity and hindsight. He may now realize that you were just trying to be a good friend and were not maliciously trying to steal from him or deceive him. Like you, he may ultimately wish that you could both change some things and one day save your marriage. Remaining on friendly terms is one way to begin this process.

Is It A Good Idea?: Honestly, I think that regardless of what happens going forward, it’s never a bad idea to remain on good terms with someone. You never know what tomorrow will bring and life can be difficult enough without adding negative feelings into the mix. No one needs to carry that around if they don’t have to. You could always allow him to take your car in for service and then see what happens after that. No one says that you have to reconcile tomorrow. No one says that you have to forget that you’d like for him to not be so controlling with the finances. But I don’t see anything wrong with letting him help you with your car as a good-faith gesture and as his way of showing you that he still cares enough about you to want you to have a reliable and well-running car so that you are safe. That’s a good place to start and is reassuring.

But to answer the original question, many separated spouses want to remain friends because it’s hard to just stop caring about someone that you love. Remaining on good terms is usually the right thing to do and it can lay a groundwork on which you can build a reconciliation later, should you choose to do that. But it can also mean that you don’t have to go around with anger in your heart, which can be exhausting and can weigh you down.

There Is Sometimes An Opportunity To Combine Friendship With Reconciliation:  I know that you are not thinking about a reconciliation right now, but oftentimes, the friendly relationship that you’ve established can be built upon to lead up to reconciliation, although you will admittedly have to be careful about this sometimes.

One huge advantage of being so friendly and cordial is that you have easy access to your husband. He’s not ignoring your calls or refusing to see you, which is actually a bit common in separations where the husband chooses to initiate the separation. It’s a real advantage that this is not your reality. And, you can use this access in order to start rebuilding your relationship. You just want to be careful that you don’t take advantage of this or give your husband the impression that your friendship is only “an in” to move on to the romance and reconciliation if it comes to that.

As I said before, I would have been glad to remain friends with my separated husband.  It would have made getting him back that much easier.  This was not possible at the beginning of our separation, but it was something that I worked toward and eventually achieved.  I also eventually reconciled, but it was not easy.  You can read more athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In certain circumstances, I do not find it unusual for married couples to threaten the very thing that they fear the most. In other words, it is not uncommon for a wife who dreads a separation to threaten that very thing in order to get her husband to reassure her that there will be NO separation. I know that this sounds weird, but I guess in times of fear and anxiety, people can come to believe that reverse psychology is a sound strategy. However, when that strategy fails, the person who initiated it can wonder what happens now. And of course, they fear the separation that they never wanted in the first place.

For example, a wife might get tired of her husband complaining about how unhappy he is or about how un-fulfilling the marriage has become. She may begin to fear that he is going to initiate a separation. So she may decide to be proactive and to call his bluff by telling him that she is unhappy and just might move out. Her hope is that he will tell her that she is being hasty and that they can work it out. When he takes the opposite approach, she is lost.

A wife might say: “about six weeks ago, my husband began threatening to move out. Some of what he said made sense and was true. He said that we had grown apart and that even I had admitted that we were not happy in the way that we used to be. I agree with these things. However, I don’t think that they are horrific, insurmountable things in the way that my husband seems to believe. So, I decided to see where he really was on this and I very mistakenly said ‘well you don’t have to move out. I can just go stay with my mom or sister.’ I expected him to say that he didn’t want that or to suggest that perhaps we go to counseling before either of us moved out. But he did not say that. He basically shrugged and all but insinuated that he did not care. So now I am stuck knowing that my husband doesn’t care if we live together or not. And he’s offered me no solutions as to how we can be happier before either of us takes this drastic step. I don’t want to go to my mother’s or sister’s. I just want us to be happy again. But now I don’t know how to proceed.”

Certainly, no one can make this decision but you. However, in your shoes, I think that I would look at it as if I had two choices: I could go to my mom’s / sister’s for a short time only (say, overnight) and then say that I changed my mind. Or, I would just come clean and say that I exaggerated or reconsidered and have decided that I don’t want to leave my home after all. From my own experience, I do know that it can be challenging to save your marriage when you live in two different places. So, I would not recommend that route unless you have no other choice. That said, some people do believe that space actually helped to save their marriage. (I agree with this and believe that space helped my marriage also. However, I believe that my husband could have gotten space without needing to move out in the long term. But I could not get him to agree with this.) In your case, you may still have a chance to reverse your husband’s thought process.

You might try something like: “I have reconsidered. I said what I did because I was frustrated. I know that you are frustrated also. I feel like there is so much potential between us since we used to be so happy. One of us moving out is such a serious decision. I regret making that decision hastily and I’d like for us to give a fair try to being happy again before one of us actually has to take the drastic action of leaving our home. I feel like we haven’t given saving our marriage a fair try before we just throw in the towel and leave our home. I’m willing to do counseling or to change my focus. I’m willing to work with you to make some positive changes. I will listen to whatever suggestions you have about what might make you happier. I think we’ve grown apart because we are not investing as much time on our marriage. This would not be too difficult to remedy. I’ll listen to anything you have to say, but I think that us living apart might force our hand and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that yet.”

Then, listen to what your husband has to say. He may be a little taken aback by your abrupt change of heart and you may not get his entire reaction all at once. If he’s not receptive (as my husband was not initially) there are things that you can do and change for yourself that might make a difference. I honestly worked on saving my marriage alone, especially at first. But I ultimately did save it. And thankfully, my husband eventually got on board once he saw the changes that I made.  There’s more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes when wives are separated and decide to go on a campaign to get their husbands back, they look at every possible outcome. They begin to play the “what if” game. They’ll ask themselves what if they got their husband back but ended up divorced anyway. Or, what if they could manipulate or pressure him to come back, but neither of them would be happy because he wouldn’t be enthusiastic.

A wife might say: “I really want to get my separated husband to come back home. I miss him more than I can possibly say. My life feels very different without him in it. I feel very strongly that he is going through a midlife crisis that might one day end. I also know from past experience that it’s pretty easy for me to make my husband feel guilty and for me to manipulate him. Admittedly, it has been harder to do that lately, when his midlife crisis seems to be clouding just about everything. But, I recently found out that I have a health issue. Honestly, my doctor told me that it is probably very, very treatable and it’s going to be absolutely nothing to worry about. However, I suspect that if I slant this in a certain way, my husband might come back to me out of worry or a sense of obligation. When I was discussing this with my friend, she asked me if I really wanted my husband back only because he thought that I was sick. I thought about it and have decided that no, I don’t want him back if I’m making him do something that he does not want to do. I don’t want him to come back all unhappy and sullen. At the same time, I really want him back. So do I tell him about my health issue?”

No one can decide that for you. I can tell you that during my own separation, if my husband had a health scare, I would have wanted to know. And if I had one, I would have shared that. The reason is that we were still married. And although our marriage wasn’t great at the time, married people should still be there for one another regardless of whether the marriage is struggling. I think that you can certainly tell your husband about the issue while being completely honest about your prognosis and stressing that it’s treatable.

Why A Gradual Pace Can Increase Enthusiasm: I also understand not wanting your husband to begrudgingly come home. My thought process was the same, which is why my husband and I very gradually reconciled. We did it in very small steps so that there was minimal pressure and either of us could have backed out if we wanted. This gave each of us the confidence that we were there because we WANTED to be.

It sounds as if you’re just starting on this journey.  So, you may not have done a lot of counseling, self help, or self work meant to help you discover and then work on what lead to the separation in the first place. I realize that a huge contributing factor is likely your husband’s midlife crisis, but it’s often a mistake to blame everything on that and just wait for it to pass. Instead, you want to be proactive and to actively work to make your marriage better. As things gradually start to improve, you can have the confidence that you are not having to twist your husband’s arm to get him to be receptive to you.

Once my husband became receptive to me (which took a lot of finagling) I decided that my best strategy was to always make the most of our time together so that we could look forward to each interaction. I tried to increase the comfort level and bond between us. And, on my end, I actively took a hard look at how I contributed to our martial issues and I fixed those problems. I did not tear apart my marriage in an attempt to fix it at that time because we were just too fragile. We did this as we were able. The stronger we got, the easier this became. We gained our strength back by spending quality time together to reestablish the connection. This was gradual, playful, and meant to be pleasurable. That way, no one was pressured to be there. If we had a interaction or two that didn’t go well, then we’d back up a little, take a bit of a break, talk about what went wrong, and try again. (You can read the rest of that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Of course, there were times when I was absolutely tempted to rush it or to use pressure. But in the end, I just REALLY wanted for my marriage to work. I suspect that you want your marriage to work, too. And that’s why I’d suggest that you NOT pressure or guilt your husband into coming back. It’s certainly up to you, but I’d be honest about your condition, including the fact that it is treatable. And I would work on rebuilding your bond and comfort level, while gradually spending more and more time together. As you are successful in doing that, getting him back will take care of itself and you don’t have to worry about him reluctantly coming home or your feeling insecure because you manipulated him.

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many spouses who are sure that their spouse is no longer “in love” with them. Sometimes, their spouse has actually told them as much. Other times, their spouse is communicating this message, but they are doing so with actions and not words. In short, the spouse just isn’t attentive or affectionate anymore. As a result, you can start to wonder if your marriage can survive when one or both of you are no longer experiencing loving feelings.

Someone might say: “I’m nearly positive that my husband is no longer in love with me. He’s not cheating or anything like that. He’s not that type of person. But he’s cold and just doesn’t seem remotely invested in our marriage. I’ve flat out asked him if he’s still in love with me. He’ll say ‘of course I love you. We’re married.’ Then I’ll tell him that loving and ‘being in love’ are two different things and he’ll give me a frustrated sigh but no response. He honestly will change the subject and act even colder. I’m worried that in time he’s going to ask me for a separation or divorce. Because I’m not sure that a marriage can survive without love. I still love my husband, but I don’t think that the feeling is mutual. I can’t think of the last time that he’s grabbed my hand or spontaneously kissed or hugged me. If I bring this to his attention, he will say something sarcastic like he didn’t realize that we are 18 years old. He will imply that people our age don’t hug and kiss all of the time. But I think that plenty of people our age still love one another. We have married friends who still hold hands and look at one another with affection. Sure, they aren’t all over one another with PDA, but it is clear that there is love between them. With us, this just doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Can a marriage ever survive without love?”

There’s A Difference Between A Surviving Marriage And A Thriving Marriage: I think we’ve all known couples who stick it out for the kids or just because neither wants change when it is clear that their marriage has seen better days. I think that are instances where both people have just become complacent so they stay together, but neither is happy about it. This situation most certainly isn’t ideal. And everyone deserves more than this. So the goal should be not to be one of these couples, but to change your marriage so that you have the kind of marriage that you want – which contains loving feelings that are shared and demonstrated.

Sometimes, Beliefs About A Marriage Are Incorrect: I also think that in some situations where people THINK that they don’t love their spouse any more, there are parts of their life that may have become stagnant and they can project this onto their marriage. You’ll often see this is middle age. The children don’t need you as much anymore. You might feel stuck at your job. You might be dealing with aging parents. You look around and you wonder what is left to look forward to. So you shut down and you stop reaching out to your spouse. You stop doing small things together and connecting. This is the time frame where you see people starting to believe that they don’t love their spouse anymore when the truth is that if they changed their activities, their outlook, and the way that they interacted with their spouse, they might experience loving feelings.

The Damage Of Complacency: Also, both spouses can be guilty of being complacent about their marriage. The truth is, when you’re holding a job, trying to raise a family, and to maintain a little bit of your own individuality, there is only so much of you to go around. So it can be a HUGE challenge to make time for your marriage. I believe that right before my own separation, both of these factors were at play. Both my husband and I were going through a stressful time. But also, we had gotten out of the habit of making our marriage a priority. We were going through the motions to an extent. Frankly, I would have kept going like this. But my husband became unhappy and we separated. I can say this because we eventually reconciled, but actually his dissatisfaction became a positive thing because it forced us to overhaul our marriage, which was needed.

I’m pretty certain that during our separation, my husband was convinced that he didn’t love me anymore. But once we both eliminated some of our stressors, worked on ourselves, and changed up our lives a little bit so that we were actually LIVING again, we found that the feelings came right back. In truth, I never stopped loving my husband. And I like to think that, deep down, he never stopped loving me. But we had stopped expressing the same and so, to him, it FELT very different. Once we allowed ourselves the freedom to drop our defenses, to try new things, and to prioritize our marriage, the feelings returned pretty dramatically. (You can read the rest of the story at http://isavedmymarriage.com.) Better still, we had our history on which to fall back. I would never want to start again with someone new. I like the fact that I’ve known my husband for most of my life and I’m very grateful that our marriage survived what was certainly a dry spell in terms of loving feelings. So my opinion is that yes, a marriage can survive when people begin to doubt their love. But I often feel that, much of the time, the love is still there. It’s just that the circumstances have allowed it to go dormant. Change the circumstances, change your focus, and you might find that the love was never gone in the first place.

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are a separated spouse who is trying to save your marriage or reconcile, it’s a pretty sure bet that you are always looking for signs that your spouse might want the same thing that you want – to get back together. However gauging their interest in this is not as easy as you might think. Often, when your spouse is cordial or receptive to you, you might feel hopeful, but you might also second guess their motivations. Is he just being nice so that a continued separation or divorce will be easier on all involved? Is he trying to butter you up for a smooth divorce? Is he only being cordial because he has respect and affection for you, even if perhaps he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore? These questions can make you worry that his being nice is not the same thing as him being receptive to getting back together.

A wife might say: “more than anything, I want to reconcile with my spouse. We have been separated for five weeks. I never wanted for my husband to move out, but he seemed to think that he needed this. My husband would never be combative or nasty to me. That is just not his way. So it’s no surprise that we have been kind to one another during this whole process. We both just hate conflict. It does not surprise me at all that my husband still picks up the garbage, mows the lawn, and changes the oil in my car. When I was talking to one of my friends about this, she said that it sounds as if he wants to get back together, since he still seems to care about my well being. I just took all of this as my husband being considerate, since he certainly hasn’t tried to make any physical overtures toward me. How would I know if he wants to get back together? What are some signs to look for? My sense of this is that my husband is being his usual sweet self, since that is the way that he treats every one – not just me. But I’m not sure how I will know if he wants to reconcile.”

Many spouses will start to talk about reconciling before it actually happens. They will say things like “when I move back in” or they will talk about trips you might take together in the future or things that you might do together once you are back under the same roof.

Be Careful Of Where You Place Your Focus: When I was separated, I used to constantly analyze our conversations for “clues” that my husband would consider a reconciliation, but looking back now, I realize that I placed my focus in the wrong place and I honestly jeopardized the reconciliation that I wanted so badly. I always placed my focus on getting back together as soon as possible. I did not like living on my own and so my sole focus was to guilt by husband to come back home. This actually slowed and sometimes stopped my progress because my husband did not like to be pressured and I wasn’t doing anything to CHANGE what lead up to the separation in the first place.

I say this because I would hate to see others repeating my mistakes. Instead of looking for clues for a reconciliation, look for clues that your spouse is still receptive. If so, just use that to continue to spend quality time together. Combine this with working on marital or personal issues on your own time, and I believe that this is the best combination to get a reconciliation in the most healthy and efficient way. As you spend more and more time together and your spouse sees more and more improvement, he should just naturally progress to wanting to reconcile once you both feel more comfortable that you can be successful.

Why Moving Gradually And Letting Him Take The Lead Works More Efficiently:  If your spouse sees that your focus is only on getting him back home and not on actual improvements, he may actually start to resent your motivations and may begin to avoid or resist you – which is certainly not what you want.

Not only that, but people who are actively looking for signs of a reconciliation sometimes act a bit desperate and tend to jump ahead (at least judging by my own behavior.) This gives you less of a chance of your reconciliation being successful. Believe me, I know how bad it feels to be separated. I know how it feels to want to reconcile tomorrow if not sooner. However, you have to take the long view. Because what you really want is to reconcile and then never separate again. So it’s important that the reconciliation sticks and works. In order to have the best chance of this, it’s better to move gradually, to be genuine and sincere, and to just do this right. Place your focus on just improving things between you every time you see or talk to your spouse. Try to just break it down into small steps and not place the focus on reconciliation so much. Because honestly, if you do this correctly, your spouse will likely just naturally mention getting back together in the not so distant future and he will do it without resentment and without feeling that you pressured him.

At the end of the day, you want him happily and willingly home.  You are more likely to get this when you just allow it to happen rather than forcing it to happen.  It’s likely that your spouse will tell you when he’s ready to come home.  If he isn’t yet speaking those words, just continue to build on your success.  It’s better to wait than to pressure. I learned this the hard way.  You’re welcome to read about how I finally got my husband back on my other site at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Even when you know that your spouse was unhappy in your marriage and intended to leave, it can still feel very shocking on those first nights after he has moved out and you are alone. Often, we build our life around our marriage and around him. So when he’s away from us (even if it’s hopefully only temporary,) we can feel very lost and unsure of how to proceed. This is particularly true if we are hoping to save our marriage.

A wife might have a husband who she describes like this one: “my husband talked about moving out long before he actually did it. In fact, it took him so long that I had started to hope that he wasn’t actually going to do it. He was clearly unhappy, but I still hoped that he would stick it out and give us a chance to improve things. Well, my hopes didn’t come to fruition because he moved out last week. I am sort of floundering and lost. We’ve talked a few times and when he hangs up he always says that we will talk again soon. That doesn’t always happen, though. The problem is that I’m extremely lonely. I am so used to my husband being here all of the time. We did everything together and so now I feel very strange and pathetic when I have to do things alone. Last night, it got so bad that I considered just showing up at his house, but I talked myself out of it because I was afraid of being rejected. Still, I dread tonight and more of the same. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my time or how I go about making my husband interact with me. I worry that if things stay the same, we will end up divorced.”

Using The Time For Improvement Rather Than For Rumination: I had the same types of issues during my own separation. From my own experience, I can tell you that isolating yourself and sitting alone in a quiet house is sometimes detrimental. Sure, you can’t be with other people all of the time, but you need a mix of activities so that you don’t feel so lonely. In my case, I had family and friends, but because I’d been married and had focused on that for quite some time, it was usual for me to spend most of my time with people who weren’t my husband. However, when I was separated, my family and friends were my most viable option for companionship.  Almost all of them were completely there for me and welcomed me with open arms. I found that most people are more than willing to support me when asked. I felt weird about this at first, but it was a relief to not be alone. So I spent many nights with friends and family. After a while, I felt more comfortable being alone, but I wouldn’t allow myself to just aimlessly sit there and watch TV. I’d do hobbies or read to better myself. I took inventory about what I wanted from my life and from my marriage (assuming that I could save it.) I took an honest look about where I’d contributed to the decline of my marriage and then I brainstormed how I could fix those things. I tried to be proactive rather than reactive.

After a while, I realized that I could not control my husband’s feelings about me or his behavior toward me, but I could influence his thoughts by closely watching our interactions and then making adjustments. I found that when I dialed down the needy, clingy part of myself that pressured my husband and instead channeled the strong part of myself, my husband reacted favorably. I had to move slowly because he still wasn’t sure about our marriage. But I tried to make every interaction, no matter how small, a favorable interaction so that he would willingly continue to participate. One thing lead to another and we eventually reconciled. I am not sure if this would have been possible if I had continued to be lonely, isolated, and clingy.

But to answer the question of where you go from here, I think that you simply try to go forward. If you stay home and isolate yourself, you’re just standing still or worse, moving backward. Surround yourself with the family and friends who will support you. Get out of the house, even if that means volunteering your time. Work on yourself and figure out how you can contribute to a reconciliation rather than detracting from it. As best as you can, always move deliberately and with an eye toward what will be a positive move that gives you the best chance of feeling better and acting conducive towards positive change.

I know that this sounds easier than it actually is. Believe me, I struggled. But I also felt a sense of relief each time I did something that was in my own best interest. Even if it felt awkward or scary, at the end of the day, it just felt better and less isolating. And I do believe that ultimately, it lead me back to my husband.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you desperately want to save your marriage, you often want an enthusiastic spouse. The hope is that he will want to save your marriage as much as you do. The hope is that when the two of you combine your efforts, you will be more likely to have success. But what happens when your spouse doesn’t share your enthusiasm and you feel as if he is just agreeing to save your marriage because the circumstances nudged into this as a last resort? What if you worry that you are much more into it than he is?

A wife might explain: “I have always known that my husband wasn’t too keen on saving our marriage. I begged him to try for six months before he moved out. He would not hear anything that I said. He said that he felt like we’d already tried hard enough. Things seemed to change when it looked as if he was going to get a big promotion and transfer. As soon as he found out, he began to plan moving out. It became clear to me that he did not plan for me to move with him. Because I really did not want to be divorced, I continued to try to keep in contact, but he wasn’t particularly enthusiastic. I kept trying, though, because I just could not accept breaking up our family. I hung in there for several weeks. Recently, I’ve been discouraged and I’ve been thinking about starting to move on with my life. So imagine my surprise when my husband called me and said that he’s starting to become open to ‘thinking or talking about’ saving our marriage. He said that he won’t make any promises. And then he let it slip that his promotion and transfer had fallen through. While I’m glad that he won’t be moving, I have to admit that part of me thinks that his sudden willingness to think about a reconciliation or saving our marriage is due to nothing more than the fact that he can’t move and he won’t be making more money. So now that he’s stuck here and it will be expensive to live apart, he’s willing to continue to slog through our marriage. As much as I want him back, I am not excited about getting back with a man who is only reluctantly with me.”

I understand your concerns, but I also believe that you are making quite a few assumptions. You can’t say for sure that he isn’t relieved that he doesn’t have to move for the new job.  It’s possible that since he moved out and has had time to think, he may have begun to open himself up to saving your marriage BEFORE he found out that the promotion wasn’t happening. Sometimes, separated people do end up missing their spouse and that leads them to open their mind to a possible reconciliation.

For the sake of argument, though, even if he is motivated by the lack of a promotion, I’m not sure that you really want to give up your chance to reconcile and to keep your family together because of this. Yes, you’d rather he be completely enthusiastic and only motivated by his feelings for you. But at the end of the day, isn’t it most important that he IS back rather than WHY he is back? Sure, we’d all love for our spouse to have the ideal motivations. But, if you can make it so that your reconciliation is successful and that your marriage is one day happy again, will you be worried five years from now that his promotion might have been part of his motivation?

The real goal should be to return your marriage to health and happiness. Yes, you may POSSIBLY be more enthusiastic about that than he is right now, but what matters the most is how you end up. If you end up ultimately happy and very much together, you likely won’t worry as much about what his initial motivations were. As someone who was separated for far longer than I wanted to be, I’d encourage you to take him back if you have the opportunity to do so and you are still invested in your marriage. In my experience, it’s more difficult to make progress when living apart.

I think that making progress will probably help your confidence some. Once you hopefully see him becoming more warm and open, you will start to relax a little more. Try to be enthusiastic and don’t allow your worry and doubt to impede your progress. Your enthusiasm might wear off on him and allow you to make quick progress.

I understand wanting to think that he’s 100% all in, but this is rare in most reconciliations. There’s usually some doubt and hesitation. No one wants to get their hopes up, only to be hurt. But some of us proceed on anyway. We move past our hurt and our fears and we hope for the best. It honestly feels so good to get validation once your reconciliation is complete. But you don’t always get that in the early phases. And that is where you are right now. Even if he’s unsure initially, what is most important is that he’s totally positive by the time you’re done rebuilding.

As I alluded to, I was most definitely more invested in reconciling than my husband was.  But I didn’t let that stop me because I truly wanted to save my marriage.  Ultimately, I just wanted it to happen no matter how or why.   You can read the rest of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated or facing a separation, you may ponder the level of love between you and your  spouse. You may wonder what level of love your spouse has for you when his words make it seem as if he thinks that the love is one sided. An example is when your separated or estranged spouse describes you as “the lucky one” in the marriage while insinuating that he doesn’t feel fortunate at all.

A wife might say: “my husband and I are not yet separated, but if I’m being honest, I feel that we are on the verge of a separation. My husband is always lamenting about how unhappy he is and he will mention living on his own or taking a break. Last night, we were talking about our lives before marriage and he commented that I was ‘the lucky one’ because my life improved substantially by marrying him. My parents are not affluent and I do not have a huge amount of higher education. So my husband thinks that by marrying him, I greatly improved my social standing more than I would have if I’d gone to college for several years and tried to stand on my own. My response was ‘well, I’d like to think that you’re lucky too because I changed your life also.’ By this I meant that although I did not improve my husband’s social standing, I brought love and stability into his life. In response, he just starred at me. He never agreed or disagreed, but his remarks lately lead me to believe that he thinks that any other woman could have brought stability into his life and that he chose badly with me. It hurts me and it makes me think that if we do separate, he won’t miss me in the way that I miss him. It is painful to think that you love your spouse more than he loves you. And I don’t know how to change this when he considers me lucky and seems to consider himself unlucky.”

I am not sure that you want to take your husband’s words at face value right now. When men get in this sort of funk where everything in their life is just not cutting it, they aren’t likely to see their marriage, or your place in it, objectively. They can start to believe that they might be happier apart, but sometimes, when they take some space or time, they get a new perspective and realize that they are far luckier than they thought.

Rather than trying to brag on yourself or debate your worth to him, I think that you are better off just remaining neutral and allowing him to see this for himself. You might try something short and straightforward like: “well, I’d like to think that your value to me isn’t measured in terms of social or monetary status. I would also like like to think that my value to you is emotional and personal. It can’t be seen, but it can be deeply felt and it will hopefully be valued in the future. I certainly don’t measure your worth to me in anything but emotional terms. I do feel ‘lucky,’ but not because of what I gained financially, but because of what I gained emotionally.”

If after this conversation, you can give him a little space so that he doesn’t need to move out, that would be ideal. And by space I mean maybe you stay to your own part of the house for a while and allow him to do whatever thinking he needs to do without debate.

Often, when a husband gets this type of space for an extended period of time, he sees it for what it often is – loneliness. He often sees that the grass is not always greener and that your value is not always tangible and can not always be measured by what you can see and hold. Instead, it is the color and texture you bring to his life by being uniquely you. Sometimes, he needs some distance from you in order to be able to see this clearly.

I am not sure if he’s agreeable to counseling, but if he is, it might be helpful because it could show him that keeping score in this way is not beneficial. It also might uncover why he’s feeling resentment about what he perceives you gained out of your marriage. Outside of that, if you can think of, uncover, or fathom any reason why he might feel slighted, by all means address and remove whatever the issue is so that he might begin to change his negative perception. If that doesn’t work, have patience while he’s given a little time and space to work out whatever is bothering him. Be supportive, but not overbearing. If you present yourself above reproach and show yourself to be a supportive, patient, and caring spouse, he may come to his senses and see that he is indeed just as lucky as you are.

I believe my husband probably had similar perceptions before and during our own separation. Luckily, in time, I was able help him see see that his life was better with me in it.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are separated and if you are lucky, you might have a good idea of what it might take to get your spouse (and your marriage) back. You may know this because your husband has come right out and told you. Many separated spouses do spell this out. However, knowing what you have to do and actually successfully carrying it out can be two very different things. For example, a separated husband may tell you that he wants you to act in a certain way. In response, you may believe that you are already doing what he asks or you think that what he asks is not realistic.

Here is one example. A wife might ask her husband what she can do to get him to come back home or to consider a reconciliation. He may tell her that he wants to “be first” in her life. This may sound pretty straightforward when, from the wife’s perspective, it is not. Here’s what you might hear: “if you did not know me and you listened to my husband, you might think that I was a selfish and neglectful wife and this is just not the case. We have three children who are close in age. We made the decision for me to stay home because daycare was going to be so expensive. My husband is a good father who loves his children. But sometimes, he seems a bit jealous of all of the time that I devote to them. And make no mistake, a lot of time is required when you are a parent. Sometimes, my husband will get home and be annoyed that dinner wasn’t ready. Or he’ll be frustrated when I am too tired to have sex. He kept hinting about how unhappy and lonely he was until he finally initiated a separation and moved out. We still talk a lot. He calls me regularly and he comes over to spend time with the kids. Last week, we went out to lunch while the kids were at school. We were actually having a great time. We were laughing and were pretty relaxed and then the school called saying that one of my kids was in the nurse’s office and needed to be picked up. I told me husband that I was sorry, but that I needed to pick our child up. My husband got annoyed and asked if my mother could pick him up. My mother had minor surgery the day before and was therefore on pain killers. I did not like the idea of my medicated mom driving my child, so I told my husband that it was necessary for me to go. He sighed heavily and said ‘things are never going to change until you learn to put me first for once.’ I was devastated by this and think that it is really unfair. I was in a no-win situation. I felt like I was being pulled in opposite directions and asked to choose between my son and my husband. I mean, my husband is my son’s father and he seemed more concerned about himself than about his own sick child. I too wish that we could just spend a carefree afternoon together, but we are parents. And that sometimes means putting your own needs last. So while I’d love to do as my husband asks so that we can possibly reconcile, I feel like he’s not being realistic. Sure, I could try to put the kids on the back burner for a while, but what happens when eventually I have to be a parent? Sure, sometimes you can put your spouse first, but as a parent, you have to put your kids first sometimes.”

I understand what you are saying, but I don’t think that your husband actually expects you to put parenting after your marriage. I think that, instead, he’s trying to communicate to you that sometimes HE FEELS dead last in your priorities. And, from my own experience, I know that if you make a consistent effort to make your spouse feels as if his happiness and wellbeing is very important to you, then he will have a higher tolerance for other things that take up your attention. In short, if you can make a few adjustments that make your husband feel as you make him a regular priority, then he will have more patience when you have to shift your priorities.

I know that this sounds simplistic, but in my experience and observation, what spouses are really saying with these types of complaints is that they want to feel that they matter greatly to you. They want to have confidence that you are deeply invested in how and what they are feeling. They want to know that you understand what is important to them.  They want you to make the time.  I know that this sounds like a tall order, but there are small things that you can do that can really make a difference. Give him a bit of your undivided attention when he comes home from work or after you put the kids to bed. Try to arrange to go out alone once a week or so that your existence as a couple is not only based on your kids. I know that it’s a huge challenge, but try to carve out some couple time as often as if feasible. If he sees you making these efforts, he will be less frustrated and will no longer be looking for examples where you put the kids first.

Another suggestion is to have him participate more in opportunities to be alone with the kids. Often, husbands really don’t know how much work and time goes into this. If you take a day every so often for yourself, he will come to appreciate just how much time and energy is required of you when you parent. Therefore, he will have more empathy when you are tired or conflicted because of having to parent.  Often, you can’t possibly know what someone else’s reality is until you walk in their shoes.

In small, gradual, and sincere ways, you want to show him just how much he DOES matter to you.  Once he believes this, he will no longer need to keep track of who gets the most of your attention.  I had to shift my own priorities after my husband and I reconciled because I never wanted to be separated again.  There’s more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from women who assumed that the long length of their stable marriage was going to provide them with some safety or protection from a divorce or separation. Many are shocked when their spouse suddenly declares that he is no longer happy and requests time apart. The wives can understandably be incredulous about this. Doesn’t decades of being this man’s wife and mother to his children count for something? When will he come to his senses and realize that he’s being an idiot?

A wife might say: “I have been married to my husband for over twenty years. We have had our trials and tribulations like everyone else. However, we have raised two wonderful kids and the youngest will be going to college soon. So this should be the time when we are finally alone and can enjoy life without worrying about childrearing. Apparently my husband has other ideas. He says that we have grown apart and that we don’t really have all that much in common. He says he hates visiting his own parents because all they do is bicker and he doesn’t want to live the rest of his life that way. I would never compare our marriage to his parents’ marriage. We do not fight that way. We may have grown apart somewhat, but who hasn’t after twenty years? My kids growing up has done a number on my husband. He seems to think that he suddenly needs to sow his wild oats and I apparently can not be part of that. He says that he is going to look at apartments and then go from there. Some of my friends say that he will eventually come to his senses, but I am not sure about this. He seems very convinced that marriage potentially no longer works for him. Do older men eventually come back to their senses when they leave a marriage of twenty years or even more?”

Statistics On Grey Divorce: Some couples definitely do come to their senses. However, sociologists have noticed a disturbing new trend called “grey divorce” in which people older than 50 are getting divorced at far higher rates. Plus, it is not just second marriages that are ending. In fact, 55 percent of grey divorces are couples on their first marriage who have been married for twenty years or longer. Sociologists are not completely sure what is responsible for this trend. But they suspect that since couples are living longer and they no longer have to worry about the social stigma of divorce, they are more apt to pull the plug if they believe that they are truly not happy. Sometimes, it is women who pull the plug, since they have higher incomes and more options than women of the past. Do some of these couples reconcile after they have some space and realize that the grass is not always greener? Absolutely. For some, the separation is only temporary. For others, they go ahead and separate and divorce. Some eventually do regret this decision, since second marriages tend to be less successful than first marriages. Some regret having to go through the trials of aging with much less of a support system. But some people do continue to believe that their freedom and newfound happiness is worth ending a long term marriage.

Trying To Change His Perception: So what separates the different outcomes? In my opinion, it comes down to the perception of the person who initiated the separation in the first place. That person can sometimes come to realize that they were just plain wrong. Other times, their spouse conducts themselves in a way that encourages this revelation. Still others never change their perception and continue to think that marriage just does not work for them.

Knowing this, you can certainly attempt to sway the circumstances in such a way as to increase the chances of your spouse changing his perception. You can offer to give him space. If he is receptive, you can try to bridge the gap between you. And you can try to spice things up if you think that your spouse has grown somewhat bored. If your spouse will not accept any of these options, you sometimes have to work with what you have – meaning that if he does move out, you have to try to maintain positive interactions between you and hope that he will eventually realize that he had unrealistic expectations. Even though it may seem obvious to you that your spouse is being self-centered and expecting too much, you don’t want to say or imply that. You want for him to think that you support his happiness as much as you support your own.  The goal is that you want for him to realize on his own that he is going to be happier with you in his life than out of it. This often won’t happen if you’re nagging, pressuring, or guilting him.

Instead, you want to be supportive and, if he asks for it, to give him space. I can’t overstate how much of a challenge this can be at times. But in my own experience, it is better to respect this request (when there are no other options) than to push, have him avoid you, and have him think that you’re purposely trying to stand in the way of his happiness and growth. You want him to see you as part of the happiness equation – and not opposed to it.  I know that having patience can make it feel like you’re just sitting by and waiting for him to make up his mind and I know how frustrating that can be. But I also know how frustrating and painful it is to have someone ignore or avoid you because you are acting desperate and pushing.  That really is the worst thing that you can do, at least it was in my own case.  It almost meant a divorce for me. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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