Leslie Cane Articles

It can be very difficult when you know that your marriage is in trouble but your spouse is sending you mixed signals.  On the one hand, he may admitting that he isn’t happy, feels tied down, or might want a separation.  But on the other hand, he might be insisting that he still loves you and would like to stay together.   You can be unsure as to which part of his message you should be focusing on.  Is it more important that he wants a break or freedom from you?  Or that he still loves you?

Someone might say, “The other day, my husband and I were arguing, as usual.  Lately, we fight all of the time and it really bothers me.  My husband was angry and said that he feels very tied down with the way that things are going.  He says that coming home when he knows that there will be fights and tension brings him down.  He said that there are some nights where he desperately wants his freedom.  And then he admitted that he has thought about pursuing a separation.  Of course, this was upsetting so I started to cry.  And then after a little bit of my carrying on, my husband said that he still loved me and that ultimately, he hoped that we would end up together.  But he stressed that he just felt suffocated and unhappy right now.  I am not sure what to do with this information.  I am not sure if I believe that he still loves me.  Because if he did, he would not be talking about his freedom or separating.”

I’m not so sure about that, just based on my own experience. I know that I still loved my own husband very much (and I’m pretty sure that he still loved me,) but we separated all the same.  I did not want the separation, but my husband insisted upon it because things had started to deteriorate and he had a lower tolerance for this than I did.

Why You Should Focus On The Positive Things That Will Help You Save Your Marriage: If you are still invested in your marriage and want to save it, my suggestion is to focus on your husband’s assertion that he still loves you and ultimately wants to work things out.  I think that it is best to take him at his word.  Plus, placing your focus here allows you to hang onto some optimism, which may be very important in the days ahead.

I know first hand that it’s VERY easy to just focus on your husband’s unhappiness and the fact that he is pulling away, but when you do this, it’s is almost as if you attract more of that behavior.  Instead, you want to focus on the behavior that you actually want to see.  It’s like if you are on the verge of a car accident, you should not look toward whatever you might hit.  Instead, you look toward safety because whatever you are looking at, that is where your car is going to go.  So look at the love and the desire to ultimately work things out and that will be where you most likely go.

Making The Most Of Your Situation Right Now: Since your husband hasn’t yet made any efforts toward moving out, I’d try very hard to make the atmosphere between you and in your home as calm as is possible.  Don’t engage in fights and instead try to diffuse any tension that crops up.  Ask yourself why the fights keep happening.  Is there an issue that you haven’t worked through? Is there anger or resentment that just clouds the atmosphere?  Whatever it is, identify it and then try to remove it.  Because if you can improve your home situation, then your husband may no longer have a reason to want his freedom.  It is easier to avoid a separation if you can than to save your marriage once you are separated.

If you try everything and your husband still wants freedom or space, try not to panic. Just focus on improving things when you have the opportunity.  If your husband loves you and ultimately does want to be together, then he should eventually be receptive to your trying to improve things.

I know that this is difficult.  I struggled greatly when my husband pulled away and ultimately separated from me.  Some days required more patience than I’d ever had to muster before.  There were times where I was sure that I would end up divorced.  But I just took baby steps and worked with the little bit that I had.  Very slowly and gradually, we healed our marriage, which is a very different marriage today.  My husband no longer talks about space or unhappiness.  And I’m no longer constantly afraid that he wants out. (Because often removing the tension and troublesome issues will also remove a spouse’s desire for space or freedom.  And once this is gone, your insecurity and worry will also diminish.)  I know that it may be easier to focus on talks of “freedom” and “space” right now, but it’s more beneficial to you and your marriage to focus on the love and the fact that he would like to work things out.  If you can fix what is causing the tension, the need for freedom might end as well.

My husband certainly wanted his freedom from me before and during our separation.  However, once we improved our marriage and reconciled, this behavior stopped.  The key was removing the issues that were dividing us.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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If you are separated and living apart (but are still invested in your marriage,) it is very understandable when you feel extremely impatient.  When I was separated, there were times when every day without my husband felt like torture.  I actually used to fixate and ruminate on this feeling.  So of course, when things start to look up between yourself and your husband, it is natural to begin to fantasize about his coming home.  Sometimes, you think about this so much that you flat out ask him if he will just come home.  Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t get the reaction that you’d hoped for.  There are times when he doesn’t say yes and he doesn’t say no.  He simply tells you that he isn’t sure.  This leaves you wondering where that might leave you in the future.  Should you just let go of your hopes or could this only be temporary?

Someone might say, “for almost six months, my husband acted as if he could barely stand to even talk to me.  Never mind the fact that he had moved out to avoid me and not fight with me.  Him not even bothering to check up on me that hurt the most.  I always wondered what he was doing or how he was, but it got to the point where I could not just call him up and ask about this, because he wouldn’t pick up my calls.  So I was absolutely thrilled when he started calling me and then not screening his calls anymore.  Even better, that lead to him asking me if we could meet a couple of times per week.  All of this is more than I ever dared to hope for. Then, when we started to spend time together, things got off to an awkward start. But eventually, we started to click and things improved pretty quickly.  After that, we really started connecting again.  This has been such a precious time for me because it is almost like when we were first dating.  I had very high hopes for a fast reconciliation. I just wanted to life our lives again and to forget about all of the pain with the separation.  But a good deal of time went by and my husband didn’t say anything about this.  Thankfully, we continued to see one another and to talk, but he made no mention of coming back home or of reconciling.  It killed me to have such a good time together and then to go home alone.  So one day I just couldn’t take it anymore and I blurted out ‘when are you coming back home?’  My husband looked at me like he was shocked at my outburst, and then he sighed and said that he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that yet.  I was pretty stunned because he’d seemed happy and content while we were spending time together.  Why would he be perfectly willing to be affectionate and to interact with me, but then not be sure if he wants to move back in?  Does this mean that there is no hope for a reconciliation?”

No, I definitely would not say that at all.  My husband and I moved very gradually when things began to gel between us again.  As much as I wanted for him to move back home, I was very very afraid of having our reconciliation efforts fail. I knew that if we tried to reconcile and then things went south, then I would have a very difficult (if not impossible) time ever convincing my husband to attempt another reconciliation.  So essentially, I knew that I only had once chance to make this work.  And I knew how lonely and miserable I was living alone.  But even so, I wanted to wait until I could be relatively sure that things would actually work out.

Your husband might be having a similar thought process right now.  He could just be cautious not to rush things so that the spell isn’t broken – since things seem to be going so well right now.

Believe me, I know how difficult it can be to continue to be patient when you what you want more than anything in the world is to not spend one more night alone.  But when I would have these thoughts, I’d tell myself that I’d rather continue on with things as they were (on good terms between us) than to risk my progress by rushing.  I just was not willing to go back to the time period where my husband was avoiding me, not returning my calls, and giving me very limited access to him.  I decided that I would rather wait than return to that.

Instead, I just tried to slant things so that my husband spent more and more time in our home.  I’d offer to make him dinner.  I’d ask him to fix things.  Eventually he spent the night.  Then this turned into him spending weekends.  It got to where he was staying for several days at a time.  Then he just moved back in, but there was nothing really official about it.  This took so much pressure off of the situation.  If we had a bad night together, he simply went back to his place, allowed things to cool off, and then we picked back up.  We were able to evaluate our “hot spots” and places where we still had work to do before we attempted a full on reconciliation. This gradual approach meant there was much less risk and pointed out where we could still make improvements before my husband moved back in full time.

I firmly believe that this gradual method is one reason that we are still together today.  So while I know that it’s tempting to push him to move back in as soon as possible, back off if he is showing resistance.  Instead, focus on the fact that things are going well and embrace a more gradual approach.  It decreases your risk and allows you to have a better chance of success in my experience.  There’s more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from people who feel quite guilty for being critical of or unhappy in their marriage.  This is usually because, by their own admission, their spouse is a good, caring person who has done nothing wrong.  However, the marriage just isn’t fulfilling for whatever reason and they aren’t sure how to rectify the situation.

Someone might say, “This is going to sound selfish and I’m almost embarrassed to be talking about it.  But for the last eight months or so, I have realized that I’ve been somewhat unhappy in my marriage.  But the ironic thing in all of this is that my husband is truly a wonderful spouse.  He is a fantastic person.  He is loving, kind, and generous.  He is funny and patient.  I have no right whatsoever to be complaining about him. I know that I am very lucky.  But lately, I feel like something is missing.  Many of my coworkers seem to be more ‘in love’ than I am. Also, my husband and I pretty much just get home from work, eat dinner together, and then binge watch our favorite TV shows.  Although there is comfort in this on some nights, there are times when I am ashamed of this and feel like this is a pretty pathetic existence.  Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by because I’m married or that I can’t travel or be adventurous because I am tied down. I know that this makes me sound selfish and like I am a 20 year old who needs to sow wild oats. This isn’t really the case.  I’m a pretty mellow person and I don’t want to be wild.  But I do want to have life experiences that have nothing to do with romance or hooking up.  I’m talking about traveling or taking classes or volunteering.  And I’m not sure it’s fair to ask my husband to do all of these things, although he’s such a kind person, I’m sure that he would.  I don’t want it to seem like I do not love the guy because I truly do.  It sounds very silly, but I honestly believe that I love my spouse but am unhappy in my marriage.  When I think about separating or divorcing, I become sad because I know that my husband is a wonderful person and I do love him.”

It might make you feel a little better to hear that what you are saying is not that unusual. I’ve heard from others that feel the same way that you do.  And some have stuck it out in their marriage and others have not.  Some of those who left a perfectly good and loving spouse have regretted it when they learned that they were no happier separated or divorced.  My take on it is that it is rare to find someone who is kind, loving person with whom you are genuinely a good match.  It might be hard to replace such a person and not worth it to try.  Leaving or pausing the marriage is a huge risk because, although you might have a different lifestyle, you might still have a void because you’d no longer have the most important person in your life.

Considering this and from seeing other people struggle through this, my suggestion would be:  I’d sit down and make a list of the things that you felt were missing from your life.  Rank them.  Perhaps what is most important right now is travel.  Maybe you’d like to have more varied activities after work.  Whatever the case may be, try to be as clear as you possibly can about what might make you happier within your marriage.  Then, set out to make those things happen.  Sometimes, it’s simply as easy as telling your husband that you want to take a major trip this year and then booking it.  Or perhaps you suggest that twice per week, you are going to try new restaurants and outings.  Or you may tell your spouse that you’d like to take an extension class.  Some of the time, you can do these things and your spouse will jump to support you. When this happens, you don’t even have to make a huge deal out of your unhappiness because once the changes are in place, your happiness level may increase naturally.  Sometimes you just need a balance.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with binge watching TV with your spouse sometimes, but you want to balance it out with other things.

That said, sometimes, your spouse will wonder why you’re suddenly wanting to make all of these changes.  When you go to explain it, try to make sure that it doesn’t sound personal.  Instead of admitting that you are not exactly happy with him so that he feels that this might be his fault, say something like, “I’ve just noticed that I’m feeling a little stuck and stagnant.  I’d like to challenge myself and shake things up a little more. I’d like for you to share this with me because I love being with you.  I hope that you support me because this is something that is really important to me and I think that making these changes will increase my happiness and level of excitement.’

Most loving and supportive spouses will meet you half way.  Sometimes you’ll have to explore some things alone – like taking a class.  I know someone who had a similar sense of unhappiness until she was honest with her husband and confessed that she felt like the artistic side of herself was lost.  She took a class at night with her husband’s support.  Eventually, she started a side business selling her work.  This increased her life satisfaction level tenfold.  And when she felt good about herself and about how she was spending her time, her satisfaction with her marriage followed.  That’s why I suggest trying this strategy before you divorce or separate from a kind and supportive man whom you love.  Letting that go seems like a sacrifice which could also cause unhappiness.

As someone who has gone through a separation, I can tell you that it can be painful.  It can also put your marriage at risk.  Personally, I’d do anything to avoid it if you know that you are already married to a good man who loves you.  It was very difficult to save my marriage during the separation, which is why I’d try to fix the life that you have first. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from separated wives who are looking for signs that their husband may be still invested in the marriage so that a reconciliation might be possible. Understandably, she’s often frantically searching for anything that she might hold onto that may give her some hope. One such is example is when her husband continues to wear his wedding ring.

She might say, “Of course, I would never remove my wedding ring even though my husband and I are separated. I make no secret of the fact that I’m still very invested in my marriage and I would like to reconcile. Much to my relief, my husband has not removed his ring, either. I assumed that he might because he is the one who pushed hard for the separation. He is still wearing it, but when I ask if this might mean a reconciliation, he says that it is really too soon to tell. He says he wants to just keep going with the separation until it is clear which path that we should take. So what should I read into this because it’s very confusing. Still wearing his ring shows a commitment, but not wanting to reconcile right now means a lack of commitment, so I am pretty confused.”

Your husband would be the best person to share his thoughts, but I can speculate. My husband did not remove his wedding ring, either. But it took a while for us to reconcile and there were certainly periods of time where it looked like we were not going to make it. Thankfully, we eventually did make it and are still together today. I think that the reason that neither of us removed our rings was that we were still married. Yes, we were separated, were having problems, and our future was uncertain. But my thinking was that until my husband and I had finalized a divorce, I was going to wear my ring because I was still legally married. I suspect that this was my husband’s thought process also. Plus, I don’t think that either of us wanted any questions from people asking us why we weren’t wearing our rings. Things were complicated enough without all of the questions.

I always took it as a positive sign that my husband was wearing his ring because it gave a signal that he wasn’t looking to date other people. Of course, a ring doesn’t always stop your spouse from being approached, but it is better than not wearing a ring and making it look like you consider yourself single. So I DO think that it is encouraging when a separated man continues to wear his ring. To me, it indicates that he still realizes that he’s married and he’s not trying to send a signal to women that he is ready to date other people.

With this said, simply wearing your ring doesn’t mean that everything is okay and that you’ll be returning home soon. Often, the spouse who initiated the separation is looking to see some significant changes or some inciting factor before a reconciliation takes place. My husband wanted space and I don’t think that there was any way to get him to reconcile until he felt that he had gotten that (and had also done the hard-thinking which he felt was necessary at the time.) Yes, my actions during the separation had an impact on how receptive he was to me and to a reconciliation. I eventually crafted an approach that worked. But I am not sure how much I could have rushed the process early on. My mistakes prolonged the separation, to be sure. But my husband was going to get his space and there wasn’t much that I could have done about that.

If your husband is telling you that he’s not ready to talk about a reconciliation, I would not push, simply because every time I pushed, I made things worse and my husband pulled away. I had to work twice as hard to get things back to normal every time we took a step backward. I found out that it was better to try to have some patience and to facilitate a good relationship so that he was more receptive to me. I was greatly rewarded for this patience, because eventually, I did not have to push or pressure my husband to reconcile. He willingly wanted to reconcile eventually.

So I think you’re right to be encouraged that your husband is still wearing his ring, but I don’t think that you want to use this to push your husband to give more than he is ready for right now. Give him a little space, have patience, and maintain a close and open relationship. This usually works so much better than pressuring him and having him pull away. I know that it is hard, but it is much easier than having to pull back with a spouse who has become even more distant because you have pushed too hard.  At least that was my experience. You can read more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been telling their husband that they are considering leaving the home or the marriage. Some are sincere about this. They are unhappy and feel that taking a break by leaving may be the best thing at the time. Others are not exactly serious about leaving. It is not uncommon for a wife who dreads a separation to threaten that very thing in order to get her husband to reassure her that there will be NO separation. The wives are threatening to leave in the hopes that their husband will ask them not to (or they will at least get a reaction out of him to show that he still cares.) I know that this sounds weird, but I guess in times of fear and anxiety, people can come to believe that reverse psychology is a sound strategy. However, when that strategy fails, the person who initiated it can wonder what happens now. And of course, they fear the separation that they never wanted in the first place.

Unfortunately, sometimes this backfires. The wife will announce her intention to leave and hope that her husband will try to stop her. Instead, her husband will tell her that he really doesn’t care if she stays or goes. This leaves her unsure of how to proceed. Does she go when she really doesn’t want to in order to save face or make a point? Or does she cave and simply tell him that she changed her mind? And what does her husband’s indifference say about the state of her marriage or her ability to save it?

She might say, “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for almost four months. Things are definitely not happy at home. However, I don’t think that we are dealing with horrific, insurmountable things in the way that my husband seems to believe. For a while, my husband was apartment hunting and was telling me that he was going to move out, but he never actually did. Still, he complained constantly. I got tired of hearing him complain, so I told him that I was going to leave so he wouldn’t have to be so unhappy. Now, I’m going to be honest. I really hoped that he would confess that he really doesn’t want for us to live apart, which is why he hadn’t actually signed a lease or moved out yet. Instead, his exact words to me were: ‘I really don’t care if you stay or go.’ He just sort of shrugged his shoulders and said that nothing really changes between us no matter what we do. So now I am stuck knowing that my husband doesn’t care if we live together or not. Now, I am unsure about how to proceed. This hurts me. I had hoped that his not moving out meant that he was willing to save our marriage, but now he acts as if he is indifferent as to whether we live together or not. I don’t want to pack my stuff and leave, but what do I even say now? How do I avoid not having to leave my house? Do I just have to admit that I gambled and lost and that my marriage is over?”

Perspective And Posturing: If everyone who ever threatened to leave their marriage ended up divorced, the divorce rate would be much higher than it actually is. Many couples make these sorts of threats in the heat of the moment and nothing actually comes of them. The threats are understandable. They are usually made because things are bad, but nothing actually changes. So one of the spouses decides to shake things up by threatening to leave. The hope is the other spouse will beg them not to go and will then have to craft a plan to make things better. Frankly, your husband might have done exactly the same thing when he threatened to leave previously. He did not make good on the threat and I don’t believe that you have to, either, especially if you really don’t want to go.

Backing Up:  From my own experience, I  know that it can be challenging to save your marriage when you live in two different places. So, I would not recommend that route unless you have no other choice. That said, some people do believe that space actually helped to save their marriage. (I agree with this and believe that space helped my marriage also. However, I believe that my husband could have gotten space without needing to move out in the long term. But I could not get him to agree with this.) In your case, you may still have a chance to reverse your husband’s thought process.

So you might try something like, “well, you may not care if I leave or stay, but I have decided that I care very much. I said what I did because I was frustrated. I have calmed down and thought about it and, if I’m being honest, I really don’t want to leave. I think of instead of us both getting angry and threatening to leave, we could turn our energy toward making things better between us so that no one has to go. I feel like there is so much potential between us since we used to be so happy. I’d prefer not to leave and live alone. I am hopeful that if we work together, neither of us will need to go. One of us moving out is such a serious decision. I regret making that decision hastily and I’d like for us to give a fair try to being happy again. I’m willing to do counseling or to change my focus. I’m willing to work with you to make some positive changes. I will listen to whatever suggestions you have about what might make you happier. I think we’ve grown apart because we are not investing as much time in our marriage. This would not be too difficult to remedy. I’ll listen to anything you have to say, but I think that us living apart might force our hand and I don’t feel like I’m ready for that yet.”

Offering The Reassurance You Both Want: Yes, saying this will make you feel vulnerable, may feel awkward, and requires that you are the bigger person.  But it will hopefully buy you some time. After you have cleared the air, hopefully no one will need to threaten to leave in the hopes that the other will ask them not to go. Because in essence, you will have accomplished what you are both hoping for – the reassurance that with work, no one will have to leave, because no one really wants to separate.

Of course, after this discussion, you will need to make good on your plan to improve things.  But the good news is that if you can right the ship, the threats to leave should stop since there will no longer be any reason to leave.  I wish I had been brave enough to do this in my own marriage.  We ended up separated and almost divorced.  It would have been smart to avoid the separation because reconciling was a long process. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who freely admit that they are desperate to get back their separated husbands. I can easily identify with this because I was in their situation once.  I know that feeling of believing that you have a limited window where you might be able to get him back, and so you need to do whatever you can, with any tools necessary, to lure him in before it is too late.  One tool that separated spouses will use is sex.  People often don’t realize that many spouses who are separated continue to have sex.  However, some wives take this is a bit further and think that it wouldn’t be so horrible to become pregnant during one of these encounters.  Some believe that perhaps it might even help matters.  In fact, some women do deliberately try to get pregnant during the separation, thinking that this might be the push that their husband needs in order to finally return home.

A wife might say, “Please don’t think too harshly of me with this, but I’m actually separated right now and trying to become pregnant.  My husband and I have been having problems, so we are technically separated, but we still see one another all of the time and continue to sleep together sometimes.  There have been times when my husband will pull away and insist that we shouldn’t be doing this, but he always comes back.  Anyway, before we separated, we had discussed trying to conceive, but of course once we separated, all conversations about that ended. However, I’m not getting any younger.  I was really excited about having a baby.  I also feel like my husband and I will eventually reconcile.  So I don’t see any reason not to continue to try to become pregnant.  I have not shared this with my husband because I’m afraid he won’t agree.  But I think that this might be the thing that draws us together. I have shared this plan with my best friend and she feels that it is an awful idea and is potentially entrapment.  She says it’s not fair to try to become pregnant without telling my separated husband.  She says that some separated people end up divorced and then I might be a single mom.  I sort of see her point, but I really feel like we will eventually get back together and I also feel it might be my ace in the hole in terms of getting my husband back.  Am I just way out of line here?”

I can certainly understand your thinking.  My husband and I weren’t sleeping together during our separation, but if we had been, I could see the draw of this plan.  However, I do have to say that your friend’s concerns are very valid.  If your husband finds out that you were attempting to conceive without consulting him, he could become very angry at a time when his anger is the very last thing that you need.  Not only that, but new parenthood is an extremely stressful time for a marriage. So, even if you reconcile, in my experience, your marriage is on fragile ground for a while after that.  It takes a while for things to feel normal again and for you both to have confidence that your marriage is going to make it for the long term.  There is still work to do in terms of easing back into the routines of a healthy marriage.  There are usually some things that must be worked out and overcome.  Very few couples have a flawless reconciliation.  It doesn’t make sense to add the stress of a newborn on top of an already fragile situation.

Not only that, but you don’t want underlying resentment from a husband who wasn’t consulted about the pregnancy – even if you are reconciled. You want to give your reconciled marriage the best chance of success.  That means being upfront, honest, and forthcoming.  That means discussing important decisions.  Having a baby and becoming parents is the most important decision that any couple will make.  Both people deserve to be fully involved participants with their opinions and wishes heard.  I know that it might not be what you want to hear, but I agree that you should wait until your marriage is back on very solid ground before you become pregnant.  This ensures that you can be certain that your child will have two loving parents and grow up in a very stable home with parents who have a good and enduring marriage.  Plus, your child deserves a conception that was agreed upon and eagerly anticipated by both parents.

I do understand why you are tempted.  I tried several little underhanded tricks to lure my husband back.  They all backfired.  It took me too long to learn how to play the long game instead, which eventually lead to a reconciliation.  You’re welcome to read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Saving your marriage with two willing people can feel daunting and overwhelming at times.  But saving your marriage when one spouse is not participating and has said very hurtful things can feel downright impossible.  A wife might be dealing with a marriage in which both parties have said hurtful things that have caused resentments, hurt feelings, and a sense of hopelessness.  In this type of situation, it can be hard to determine where to even start.

A wife might say, “I admit that while my husband and I have been struggling while going through a separation, I’ve said some pretty mean things to him.  I am frustrated with feeling as if I don’t matter to him.  I feel like I’ve just been dismissed while he gets the luxury of sorting himself out and deciding what he wants. So yes, in my frustration, I have called him selfish.  But before we even separated, he was saying really hurtful things to me.  For example, he said that I sold him a bill of goods when we were dating.  He said that he was dating a laid back, funny girl who was thin and healthy.  But then after he married me he got an uptight, overly-serious person who was overweight.  He acts as if I purposely tricked him and then switched my personality for spite.  He doesn’t realize that people naturally mature and change over time.  He even called me ‘portly’ once.  And he said that he thinks that I take joy in making him unhappy.  These are low blows.  But we have kids to think about. So I’ve asked him if he thinks that it will be possible to save our marriage.  His answer was that he doesn’t know, but that he thinks that we are better off just going with the flow right now.  He’s pretty distant and cold.  In spite of this, I would like to save my marriage for the sake of my children.  But when I mention this to my sister or to my friends, they both ask why I’d want to maintain a marriage to someone who has said hurtful things to me.  I do see their point.  Are hurtful words an indication that you can’t or shouldn’t save your marriage?”

Is There A Pattern Of Cruelty Or Were The Comments Said During A Fight Or In The Heat Of The Moment? I’m not a counselor, but in my non-professional opinion, that depends.  If your spouse makes a habit of saying hurtful things to you regardless of whether he is angry or you are fighting, then this is problematic because it shows a pattern of cruelty or a lack of empathy.  If he is saying mean things just to hurt you without any regard for your feelings and the relationship is constantly toxic, then I’d want to see some changes before I make any long term commitment.

With that said, it’s extremely common for both people to say some pretty awful things in the middle of a fight or during a separation.  Emotions can be incredibly high.  Both spouses can say things that they deeply regret and are incredibly embarrassed and remorseful about later.  I know that this was the case during my separation. We both said really regretful things to one another.  I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. Your husband may feel this way also.  It really does come down to a question of whether the hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment or whether it is your husband’s typical habit to be hurtful or verbally abusive.  There is a difference between a couple who has a regrettable fight and trades hurtful insults and a marriage where one spouse is constantly belittling the other for sport.  If you can’t decide which category your marriage falls into, I’d suggest asking a counselor or neutral third party.  Sometimes, we get so close to our situation that we can’t see it objectively anymore.

It’s Sometimes Possible To Move Forward After Hurtful Interactions: If you decide that your husband’s words were due to the situation instead of intentionally meant to hurt you, then I can tell you that it’s possible to move beyond hurtful interactions.  My husband and I were truly brutal to one another at times during our separation.  And I was just as guilty as he was.  I was so hurt that he was moving out that I was deliberately cruel because I was just trying to get a reaction out of him.  Ultimately though, I made a decision to let go of any anger I had about these conversations because I wanted to move on.  I decided to use the conversations to draw a line in the sand to define the type of marriage that I no longer wanted.  Sure, no one can get through life without ever saying something in anger to their spouse, but with effort and in time, you can improve your marriage so that more words are said in happiness than in anger.

When your marriage is back on track and you are feeling loving and protective of your spouse again, those types of hurtful conversations usually don’t surface very often.  If the conversations are bothering you, then you can certainly ask for clarification when things calm down and when you are back on solid ground.  It would be fair to ask if he really has an issue with your weight or demeanor, but I’d suspect that if you have this conversation when things are better (or you’ve reconciled) he will say that he only said those things because he was angry at the time.

But to answer the original question, you save your marriage in this scenario by asking yourself what your husband’s intentions were.  Once you’re satisfied that these hurtful remarks aren’t a habit, then you work on yourself first and then on your marriage as things calm down and you are able to do so.  I know that things seem immediate and explosive now, but as time moves on, things tend to calm down so that you can communicate in more productive ways and without hurting one another.

If it helps, you can read about how we overcame our own painful interactions in order to reconcile on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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It can be hard to set clear boundaries during a trial or marital separation.  This can be especially true if the spouses differ in their opinion about the need for one in the first place.  Often, there is one spouse who feels that a separation is the only way to save the marriage, while the other feels that the separation is really just unnecessary and painful.  Because of this, people often don’t sit down and talk about their hopes and expectations for the separation.  So when issues come up, the spouses can disagree about how much involvement they might have in one another’s lives. For example, a wife might expect for her husband to still be involved in household maintenance and family life.  She might be very disappointed when the separated husband pulls back on any of these issues.

For example, she might say, “I’m struggling with many issues during our separation. It seems that everything that can go wrong is in fact going wrong right now.  About three weeks after my husband left, the roof started to leak.  A few days later, I got a demotion at my job.  Then a little bit after that, my mother had an accident and is now homebound and in need of care.  I’ve had to go and stay with her on the weekends and hire a caregiver during the week.  I have asked my husband to move back home in lieu of all of this and he says that I expect too much of him. He says that because we are separated, I can’t expect for him to be at my beck and call or to take care of my personal issues.  I told him that this is not what I am asking of him.  If we were only talking about the roof, then I would not make this request.  But it is all of these things combined that makes me feel as if he should move back home to care for our children when I am caring for my mother.  I would also think that he would want to be there for me emotionally while I am struggling through this.  We are still married.  And I would certainly want to be there for him if he was struggling like this.  I’m not asking him to pretend that we are still madly in love.  I am just asking him to be there for his wife.  Is this really expecting too much?”

I don’t believe that it is, but I can tell you that what you are going through isn’t uncommon.  Separated husbands who want space will often balk or push back in response to a request that makes them think that you are trying to take that space away.  Your husband may well think that you are trying to trick him into coming home before he has had the time and space that he has requested.  I am not at all saying that this is true.  I am just saying that this may be his perception of the truth. And that may be why you are getting the accusations that you are expecting too much.

So as I see it, you have three choices. You can just retreat and continue on as things have been.  You can try to change your husband’s mind by telling him that he’s being unfair (but you risk him being even more indignant, which would possibly make things worse.)  Or you could try a compromise, which is what I would recommend.  You could try a reply that is something like, “I am not expecting for us to reconcile.  Can we try a compromise that might help us both?  What if you stayed with the kids at our home during the weekends? That way, I could be with my mother without worrying about the wellbeing of the kids and you will have your space during the week.  Most separated and divorced dads get their kids on the weekends, so this not asking you to go above and beyond.  This will allow you to get lots of time with your kids and I won’t have to worry while I’m caring for my mother.  Despite our separation, I know that you want for me to have one less worry right now.  I know that you care about my wellbeing, just as I would still care for yours.”

This does a couple of things for you.  It shows him that you are not asking for anything other than what most other separated dads would do.  It stresses that he will still have his space.  And it allows you to point out that you still care about his wellbeing and don’t think that it is asking too much that he still care about yours.  At that point, he is free to agree or not.  And his response should tell you a good deal about where he is in terms of his emotional investment with you and the kids.

Most men would agree to some compromise with this.  Recently separated men can be especially protective of the space that they think that they have fought so hard to get.  So you can be better off if you can convince him that you are not trying to take that away, only that you want his help with the kids during a difficult situation.  Your coming together and compromising right now can ultimately have a positive impact on the separation if you play your cards right.  This is the better alternative to trying to convince him that he is wrong, at least in my own experience.

My own separated husband retreated further away every time I tried to make demands of him.  If I had played my cards right, I would have been accommodating from the start. Since I wasn’t, I had a lot of catching up to do and our separation took much longer than it should have.  I eventually brought about a reconciliation, but not without a lot of pain first. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who are finally going to meet up with their separated husband.  Often, the husband is the spouse who initiated the separation, while the wife was reluctant to separate and has been looking forward to seeing her husband again.  Many of these husbands wanted a “break” or “space” and so the wife has sometimes been limited in the amount of contact that she has been able to obtain.  So, being able to meet for the first time in what seems like a long time can feel like a very big deal.

Often, there are some reservations and nervousness about this.  Since the wife doesn’t know when, or if, another meeting will take place, she obviously wants to make the most out of this one.  And yet, it can feel as if there are so many questions that she needs to have answered.  Or that there are so many points that she wants to make.  She can feel as if there are words left unsaid.  Understandably, she wants to be heard.  She may feel that parts of the separation have been unfair and she wonders if she should address these things.  She might say: “I’m very excited to see my separated husband for the first time in three weeks.  It has been too long.  I’ve wanted to meet since the first week of our separation, but my husband kept putting me off.  Finally, he agreed to meet this evening.  There is so much that I want to say.  I feel that he is overreacting with this separation and that he is being selfish.  I feel that he expects to have the perfect marriage when no such thing is possible.  I feel that it’s selfish to throw away our family for some silly idea of happiness.  Some of my husband’s criticisms of me were pretty hypocritical and it was very self-centered of him to leave me to run the household.  I sort of want to say each and every one of these things to him, but I’m afraid that if I do, the meeting won’t go as well as it could.  What points are the most important to make?  Which should I make sure come across?”

This is a very tricky situation.  I know first hand how badly things can go wrong when you try to convince your husband that he is wrong when you have so limited a period of time.  The meetings that you have during your separation are VERY important. Because when your husband decides when to next meet again, he is going to use tonight’s meeting to make his determination.  If the meeting goes well, he will likely want to have another meeting sooner rather than later.  However, if the meeting does not go well, then he may hesitate or delay in scheduling another one.  Frankly, things can go downhill quickly if you are not seeing one another regularly.  So, it’s better if you can keep the regular communication and the meetings going.  That is why I would be very careful about this meeting tonight.

Why You Don’t Want To Jeopardize Access To Your Husband: From my experience (especially early on in our separation,) if I came down pretty hard on my husband, he would shut down communication.  So not only did I not get my concerns addressed anyway, but I’d lose access to him.  That’s why I found that it was better to have my concerns addressed gradually.  I know that you want and deserve to have him hear your concerns.  But don’t go to the first meeting with a list of grievances.  Instead, focus on the fact that you are glad to see him and that you want to have another meeting planned very quickly after the first.  The idea is that by having the meetings go well, you’ll have open access to him.  Then when things are clicking between the two of you, you’ll then be able to sprinkle your concerns into the meeting and he will eventually listen.   I don’t think that it is a good idea to pour out all of your grievances at one time.  Even though you deserve to have answers, if he perceives that he’s only hearing complaints, he’s only going to tune you out and you won’t get any answers anyway.

Instead, for the first meeting, I would focus on telling him how good it is to see him, how much you miss him, and how much his presence has left a void.  This allows you to paint the picture of how difficult it is to manage the household without sounding as if all you are doing is complaining.  Hopefully, he will be receptive and you can then focus on just having a level of comfort and pleasantness between you.  The more you both enjoy the encounter, the more likely there will be for others.

I know that when you are separated, you often want him home TODAY.  I know that this was the case with me.  But every time I tried to rush it or to push my husband, I only delayed my progress.  (You can read about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com) It’s better to tread lightly and to play the long game.  For the first meeting, focus the most on it going well and build from there.

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Some husbands can be a bit mysterious and vague when they initiate a separation.  They’ll tell their wives that they just need some time away.  They insinuate that it might all be temporary. Sometimes, they will reassure their wife that they still love her (or at least care very much about her,) but they just need a break from the marriage.  In other words, they make it clear that although they aren’t exactly sure about the state of the marriage, they are sure that somewhere deep down, they do still care.  They may not be sure if this will be enough, but they are clear that the feelings are still there.

And then there are husbands on the other end of the spectrum.  Although these husbands might stop short of telling their wives that they don’t love her anymore, many of them don’t mince words. Some will come right out and flat out say that they don’t care as much as they used to.  Some will tell their wife that they don’t care at all.  They’ll then follow this up with the announcement that they want a separation.  This leaves the wife with very little to work with.  Much of the time, when a wife is trying to get her husband to reconsider a reconciliation, she will fall back on the love and the history that the two of them share.  But if the husband is denying to care about that connection and history, where does this leave her?

She might say, “I knew that my husband was not happy in our marriage.  And I knew that he was considering a separation or a divorce. But what I did not anticipate was that he would say that he doesn’t really care about me and our marriage anymore.  He basically said that he wanted a separation and then acted like he expected me to just accept it without any discussion.  So I asked him how could he make a decision like this without us having a sit-down discussion?  How could he just think that he was only one who got to make this decision?  His response was that no matter what I thought or felt, his feelings were his own.  And then he told me that he really didn’t care all that much about me or our marriage anymore.  He flat out said that he didn’t care.  It was almost as if he was trying to be as mean as possible so that I would be too shocked to respond, which is about what happened.  This has left me devastated on many levels. I am devastated that my husband admits that he doesn’t care about me.  But I am further devastated that he doesn’t appear to be giving me any room for discussion.  I have been completely shut down.  What can I do now?  He doesn’t care about me.  And he won’t discuss it any further.”

I was in a similar situation and it ultimately ended up okay, so I’m going to share this story in the hope that it helps.  I’ll try to keep this brief:  My husband alluded to still caring about me at the beginning of our separation, but I truly started to doubt this because he made it pretty clear that his preference was very little contact. This was not acceptable to me, so I pushed very hard for that contact.  This, of course, created conflict and things deteriorated further between us.  After this conflict had gone on for a while, my husband began to insinuate that he was losing feelings for me and for the marriage.  This left with me with few cards to play.  But it was clear that continuing to create drama just wasn’t working.  It was making things worse.  So I just accepted what he said, told him that I still cared very much about him and our marriage, and I essentially waited in the wings.  I stopped bothering him.  I went out of town and spent time with people who loved me – family and friends.  I gave him the space that he claimed to so desperately want.  I wasn’t doing this to punish him at all.  I made it clear that I wished that things were different.  Eventually, he came around and we began to communicate again.  In time, it became clear that he cared very much.

The point I am trying to make is that right before a separation (or early on in one,) people can say hurtful things that end up not being true.  As you already suspect, he might be trying to be a bit aggressive and abrasive so that you don’t try to change his mind.  He may be claiming not to care so that you don’t have room to negotiate.  I know that this is difficult, but sometimes in situations such as this, a pause is needed.  The pause allows for everyone to calm down and it ensures that the situation does not become worse.  Sometimes when you make it clear that you still care very much and then give your husband that space that he wants, he will miss you and realize that he actually cares very much.  People tend to posture a lot at the beginning of a separation.  They make claims that they don’t actually mean.

Just ignoring my husband’s requests and trying to rush things made our separation worse.  In my experience, the best play is to not create a lot of conflict and strategically wait for him to realize that he misses you and he still cares.  I know that this is easier said than done, but I learned the hard way that waiting is better than making things worse. You can read more about that lesson on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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