Leslie Cane Articles

Separated wives who are still invested in their marriages will often look at their husband’s behavior in the hopes that they will see clues of an ongoing emotional attachment. After all, you might be having problems, but you’ve known each other (and have been married) for quite some time. Presumably, you can’t just turn off your emotions simply because you are separated. And yet, that appears to be exactly what some husbands are able to do.

Many wives describe their separated husbands as “detached” from the marriage and from the family. Understandably, these wives wonder what this is going to mean going forward. A wife might say, “honestly, for most of our married life, my husband was actually sensitive and loving. If something happened to me or our kids, he would always be right there, trying to help and showing his concern. Within the last two years, our marriage changed. I would have hung there, but my husband wanted a separation. The idea was that hopefully, this pause would allow us to eventually regroup and come back together. I just assumed that my husband would continue to care about (and be emotionally invested in) myself and my kids. I guess I was mistaken about that because the only way that I can describe his demeanor is to say that he is emotionally detached. When you talk to him, his voice is monotone and his face shows no emotion. If I get upset, he doesn’t even try to comfort me or make any gestures toward me. Recently, my kids and myself were in a minor fender bender. We were not hurt, although our car was. My husband did ask if we were ok, but he didn’t seem shaken in the least and seemed more concerned about the damage to the car than to us. Why would a man who is normally sensitive and emotional be so detached? I just don’t get it and it’s scaring me.”

Any guesses as to why your husband is acting this way would be just speculation, but sometimes separated men do attempt to turn down their emotions because they don’t want to feel longing, guilt, or remorse while they are trying to decide on what they want. Below, I will list some of the reasons that I’ve seen when separated men act in this way. Again, I’m only speculating. Your husband would be the best judge of his own behavior (assuming that he’s going to share his feelings with you.)

He’s Trying To Dull His Feelings So He’s Become Numb: People often assume that the person who initiated the separation ends up blissfully happy and living it up while living apart, when in fact, this isn’t the case. Anytime you upend your life and are no longer with your loved ones, this can be painful and can just feel very foreign. In order to dull that, people can try to push down their feelings, giving off this detached and cold persona. Ironically, they are acting this way because they either care too much or are afraid of their own feelings, but their spouse often thinks that they don’t feel anything at all.

He Doesn’t Want You To Know How He’s Feeling: Another reason that separated spouses can seem detached is that he doesn’t want to tip you off about the way that he’s feeling. Many times, the wife understandably is regularly asking the husband how he feels and what he wants. The truth is that much of the time, he just doesn’t know the answers to these questions. So he’s trying to be as straight faced as he possibly can in order to discourage more questions. Men often just want to give themselves the time to sort all of this out and they don’t want to be rushed. They know that you are looking at their behaviors and demeanor to try to figure out what’s going on. And they’re trying to keep you from doing so, (because they are well aware that their feelings are fluctuating and are confusing right now. ) They don’t necessarily want to share the feelings that might change. The detached persona is just a defense mechanism.

He Is Legitimately Continuing To Have A Hard Time: Sometimes, the cold, detached persona that you see is a continuation of the man who was struggling emotionally or who was so dissatisfied that he wanted a separation. Unfortunately, his unhappiness does not always resolve immediately once you are separated. Sometimes, it does just take some time. So the behavior that you see now might just be a continuation of the behavior that you saw before the separation.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that things are not ever going to get better. Things do change. Feelings change. Perceptions change and situations change. My husband was actually detached and cold for quite a while. I believe that I actually made things worse by always demanding answers that my husband wasn’t ready to give. Because of this, he felt that he had to be secretive and cold. Changing strategies was the best thing that I ever did for my marriage. You can read the rest of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel constantly blamed by their husbands. Many of them will admit that the issues where the husband places the blame DO exist.  They also admit that these problems harm their marriage. Unfortunately, though, the husband refuses to see his part in any of these issues. Instead, he places all of the blame squarely on his wife’s shoulders. Needless to say, this understandably makes her feel attacked and defensive.

She might say, “I’m not going to say that my husband is wrong about the issues that he constantly brings up within our marriage. He is right about many of them. But they are always my fault, at least in his opinion. The blame never lies with him. I feel like I’m always walking around waiting for him to catch me doing something wrong. It’s as if he’s always watching for my mistakes and missteps. I used to try to debate with him when I truly felt that he was being unfair, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Why does my husband always blame me? It makes me think our marriage is extremely vulnerable and may eventually fail.  Does his twisting things on me mean that we can’t save our marriage?”

I definitely have some theories on this. I know that it hurts to always hear blame coming your way, but I do believe that there is a reason behind it and I do think that there are some things that you can try that might effectively address it, which I will discuss below. I’ll also tell you why there might be a few advantages to this.

Why Your Husband Might Blame You All Of The Time: This might sound awful, but most of the time, people place blame in order to protect their own self-esteem. In general, the more insecure a person is, the more likely they will be to avoid taking responsibility and to try to shift the blame. Some people have a hard time with feeling faulty or inadequate, so they’d rather risk fighting with (or hurting) their spouse instead of hurting their own pride.

Another reason that people tend to blame others is that they don’t have the coping skills to handle a problem in another, more productive way. Blaming can also become a dangerous and destructive habit that a person can fall into. This means that your spouse is less likely to face conflict in a healthy way because he’s used to deflecting.  The longer this issue goes on, the harder it is to break the habit.

The Unexpected Plus Side Of Blame: This may sound odd, but there is an upside to all of this blame. Many marriages are at risk because the people in them refuse to see or address a problem. This is clearly not an issue for your husband. He is able to identify and acknowledge the problems – which is actually a positive thing – but he doesn’t yet know how to take any responsibility for them. Many people who are blamers are actually looking for improvement in their relationships, which is also a positive thing. However, unfortunately, the way that they are identifying the problem and seeking improvement through blaming is actually destructive and may have the opposite effect. Here is one other positive thing to consider – a person who blames is still invested in the relationship and still must care about it. If he didn’t, then he simply wouldn’t say anything because he would be indifferent.

How To Handle The Blaming: Handling this correctly can be very delicate. Because if you just hit back at your husband or demand that he abruptly stop the blaming, he might just shut down, and then you would no longer know what is bothering him. The better way is to try to flip the blaming into something that is productive. You don’t want to ignore the blaming. If you ignore it, he will just keep on doing it. So you do want to address it, but you want to take the power and destructiveness out of it. You want to neutralize it.

For example, let’s say your husband gets a bill in the mail and then blames you for overspending. You know that you didn’t overspend and that you actually bought necessities for the home. Instead of getting angry or defensive, you could calmly say, “I’m glad you brought that up so that we don’t have misunderstandings about this. Let’s grab the statement and go over it line by line and I’ll explain what I purchased and why.  I’ll also show that for each item, I actually got a good deal.” Your husband may begrudgingly sit down, but when you show him that you bought needed items, he may quickly cool down. When the conversation is over, you’ve worked together and you may feel closer to him and vice verse. You may have to do this repeatedly and overtime to get him out of the habit of blaming. But each time you take the wind out of his sails, you take the bite out of the blaming. You show him that there really is no incentive to continue on in this way. And you teach him that there are better ways to solve your problems than by placing the blame.

So yes, I think that your marriage can still be saved if you learn how to effectively flip this. Many issues can be overcome in this way.  Unfortunately, it took a marriage separation for me to learn this for myself.  I was able to save my marriage, but it would have been better to avoid separating in the first place, which is why I’d suggest addressing BOTH the blame AND the legitimate complaints that both you and your husband may have.  You can read more about our reconciliation my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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It’s always kind of a double-edged sword when you finally get your separated spouse to admit to loving you or missing you, only to hear a huge “BUT” at the end of that sentence. Most devastating of all, sometimes that “but” is connected to a phrase alluding to the fact that the husband wants to continue on with the separation or to “move on” with his life. Sometimes, after the wife becomes upset or presses him for more information, he’ll stop short of saying that he wants a divorce immediately. But he makes it clear that the separation won’t be ending any time soon.

Here is an example. A wife might say, “when my husband first insisted on a separation, he made it sound as if it was going to be like him having a slumber party with his brother for a while. I envisioned it maybe lasting for a couple of weekends until he got the need for space out of his system. But weekends turned into weeks. And weeks turned into months. Eventually, he got his own place and rarely saw his brother. We have been in contact for this whole time, but often, it feels as if my husband is checking in on his little sister rather than on his wife. Sometimes, it feels as though he’s just concerned about my well being and safety, but not about my feelings. Lately, I have become really discouraged with this and I commented that my own husband doesn’t even miss me. To my surprise, not only was my husband listening, but he responded by assuring me that he DID miss me. For just a second there, I got my hopes up. But then my hopes came crashing down when he continued and said ‘I do miss you. I really do. But for right now, I just want to move on.’ Of course, I panicked at this. I asked him if ‘move on’ meant a divorce. He assured that for right now, he did not mean that. But he was very careful to clarify that he did not know what the future would bring.  He said that, for now, he is content with living on his own. I don’t know what to make of all of this. His insistence that he misses me doesn’t really seem all that genuine right now. If he truly missed me, would he really want to ‘move on?’ Is he just saying that he misses me to make me feel better?”

That’s almost impossible to answer. I’ve known and dialogued with many separated men (my own husband included.) Honestly, their feelings and wishes can be all over the place. One day they can feel loving and nostalgic toward their wives and the next day, they want to avoid her. They can miss their wives desperately, but still feel that they need to follow through on the separation in order to see where it leads.

Why This Conversation Feels So Important: I think that most of us are so very desperate for these answers because we want to know where it leaves us. In my own case during my own separation, I was constantly wanting to know what my husband was thinking and feeling because I wanted to know for how much longer I was going to have to live alone. I suspect that the same is true for you. What I learned was that the more I pressured my husband about this, the more he DIDN’T make any immediate plans to come home. It is possible that your husband is giving you the ‘move on’ phrasing right now because he is trying to get you NOT to pressure him about how much he misses you and where he wants to go from here.

I know that this is a bitter pill to swallow. I struggled with it too. But as soon as I understood how damaging pressure can be, things changed for me. I decided that I would dial down the pressure and focus on my own life for a while. I did not date other people. I never wanted that. I still considered myself married. But since I had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring, I decided to stop putting my life on hold. I went out with friends. I took classes. I read very dense books. I still stayed in contact with my husband and it was still clear that I was invested. But I was no longer bugging him all of the time.

After a little bit of time went by with this new plan, things changed. My husband reached out to me. I think that once the pressure was turned down, he allowed himself to welcome the feelings that he had for me, whereas before, he felt the need to keep me at a distance because he was afraid I was going to push for the reconciliation that he wasn’t yet sure about. Because of this shift, we did eventually reconcile.

Where am I going with this? I am just throwing it out there in case the “move on” comment was meant to get you to stop pressuring. I’d suggest dialing it back and seeing what happens. What do you have to lose? You’ve been in close contact. He admitted that he misses you. And you’ve been communicating well and regularly. I would keep going on that path and I would dial down all of the pressure for clarification about his feelings and intentions, at least for a little while. You may be surprised to find that that once you do this, he may be more receptive and he may be the one reaching out, as became true in our case.  There’s more to that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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A decent percentage of the wives who I hear from have a husband who they suspect is dealing with a midlife crisis. Yes, some of the men are younger than the stereotypical age you’d expect. But many wives can’t help but notice that they are dealing with a husband who suddenly rejects the very things that he once loved. He’s suddenly feeling tied down by being part of a family. He may hate the job that he used to enjoy. He may suddenly want to distance himself from the community activities that he used to throw himself into. He may seem restless or bored. Many of these husbands say and do very hurtful things to their wives during this crisis. They may just symbolically reject their wives. They may push for a separation. And some can be even downright cruel.

Understandably, these wives are hurt by their husband’s behavior. Many of them have no point of reference because they still love (and want) their comfortable life and they really don’t see anything wrong with it. Because of this, they struggle to understand their husband’s point of view. And then, suddenly, their husband can agree with them. One day, he can “come out of” the midlife crisis and finally see reality for the first time for a very long time. Many of these husbands realize that they’ve made some very painful mistakes and they seek forgiveness from their wives and from their children. But it can be hard to just pretend that this never happened when you were on the receiving end of some pretty harsh treatment.

A wife might say, “there is no doubt in my mind that for the last two years, my husband has been in a horrible midlife crisis. He started out by complaining about the little things all of the time.  Then it was his job. Then it was his parents and siblings. Then it was me. And eventually, it was even the kids. Every little thing annoyed him. He spent as little time as possible at home and began going out with people who I really didn’t approve of. However, my husband did not care because he didn’t value my opinion anymore. Eventually, he did not even try to hide hide his disdain of me and he asked for a separation. He actually had the gaul to suggest that he stay in the house while I move out with the kids. When I told him that this wasn’t going to work, he relented. While he’s been ‘finding himself,’ he has really been an absentee father. I can’t claim that he did not make any effort to see the kids. He did. But he wasn’t deeply involved in their lives. He didn’t always know what was going on with them. This devastated my kids. I am sure that they felt as rejected as I did. When we would see and spend time with my husband, it would be awkward and strained. I’m sure that he saw other women. I suspect that they were younger and thinner. I really don’t know because he just wasn’t honest and open during this time frame. Honestly, I was getting ready to write my husband off, (although the thought of this devastated me because I didn’t want for my kids to go through a divorce.) And just as I was about to call my husband and tell him that I’d had enough, he actually called me and asked if he could see me. Then he came over and asked for the kids to join us. He actually got down on one knee, started crying, and begged for our forgiveness. He said that he’s embarrassed of his behavior and now he sees that he really had it all but that he made the mistake of walking away from it. Then he asked to come back home. I was stunned. There was really no warning for this. In the beginning of our separation, I would have done anything for my husband to want to come back home. And part of me wants him back now, but gosh, am I angry. I can’t ignore the fact that this man selfishly turned the life of his family upside down. And now we are just supposed to forgive him? Just like that? What is to stop him from doing this again? Of course, my kids got all excited and of course they want their father to come back home. Deep down, I do too. But will I ever be able to forgive him?”

In my opinion and experience, that really does depend. Whether or not resentment remains depends upon how much you are able to heal from this. I think that it would potentially be a very big mistake to let him move back in tomorrow and then pretend like all of this never happened. Because it DID happen. And damage was done. To heal the damage, you should get to enjoy a relatively happy and stable marriage with a husband who demonstrates how valuable you are to him. But it might be hard to get to that place without your husband figuring out what lead him to his thought process in the first place. Sure, many husbands have a midlife crisis. But many do not. And it’s important to figure out what made your spouse so restless and dissatisfied so that he can fix these issues and not have to deal with them again. In my own experience from my own separation, the anger and lack of forgiveness are most likely when your marriage isn’t going well or you are unsure of your spouse’s feelings. However, if you can get your marriage on very solid footing to where you are both happy, then it becomes much easier to believe in your marriage again. And if you have a spouse who is demonstrating how much he values that second chance that you have given him, then it becomes more difficult to hold onto that anger and it becomes easier to forgive. But it does take healing, which does in turn takes time. In my experience, there just is no way to rush it. But once it is complete, it’s worth it because it feels like a huge weight is lifted from your shoulders. You can read more about my own journey to a reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many newly-separated wives imagine that their husband is now living the life of a college frat boy.  You know that stereotype – the kid who is suddenly free from the watchful eye of his parents, so he’s living it up, high on his freedom and lack of responsibility.   Maybe that’s a very unfortunate mental image, but many separated wives assume that their husband is suddenly going to embrace this type of partying lifestyle.

Someone might say, “I have been separated for only three weeks.  One of my friends saw my husband out at a club.  I don’t think that my husband has been to a club since college and this news shocked and upset me.  I talked to him a couple of days after this and he sounded almost giddy and on top of the world.  This really hurt.  I did not have the heart to ask him if he was enjoying his freedom because it was really obvious that he was.  Do most separated men enjoy the single life once the separation begins?  I feel like I’m going to lose my husband simply because he prefers being single.”

It does depend on the man in question.  Many men do report a sense of relief at first.  They’ve often been dealing with a lot of volatility and conflict at home.  So in the first days and weeks after the separation, stepping away from some of the high emotion can feel like a breath of fresh air.  The calm can be refreshing.  But the way that a man feels in the early stages of the separation can be very different from how he feels later.

What Statistics Show About Separated Or Divorced Men Enjoying The Single Life: Statistically speaking, divorced men are twice as likely to remarry as divorced women.  And men remarry sooner than women.  So, you could infer from these statistics that men who have been in a marriage typically do not fare very well alone or are not as happy alone.  This would seem to run counter to the idea that a separated man will endlessly enjoy the single life.  Here is another interesting and sad statistic: divorced men are twice as likely to commit suicide as married men – again driving home the idea that married men are generally more content.  Of course, there are always exceptions. I am sure that there are many separated and divorced men who remain very happy with their circumstances.

Statistically though, men tend to want to be in stable relationships, which is why although some of them enjoy the single life at first, many of them do not remain single for long.  They will either seek to reconcile with their wife or they will end up remarrying after a divorce.  This gives you a unique opportunity if you want to save your marriage.  It means that, at least if your husband falls along with the statistics and isn’t an exception to the rule, at some point the novelty of being single will wear off and he will want to be a in a stable, committed relationship again.  If you can fix what issues remain in your marriage and make him believe that they are gone for good, then you will be in a good position to provide that committed relationship.  After all, many people realize that it is potentially easier and more rewarding to fix the marriage that you have instead of starting all over again with a stranger and potentially having to deal with blended families, which can cause issues in a second marriage.

I hope this article has made you feel a little better.  I am confident that my husband did feel some relief in the early days of our separation.  He wanted his space and he got it.  So I’m sure he thought that he was blissfully happy.  This phase lasted for much longer than I would have liked, but eventually I was able to work it out so that he got to a place where he was ready to come to the table and work on our marriage.  We did eventually reconcile.  And if you asked him today, he’d tell you that he never wants to experience the single life again. There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many women are quite understandably very reluctant about their trial separation. I find that, at least when I consider the people who reach out to me, most of the time it is the husbands who want to separate and the wives who want to save their marriage. There are exceptions, of course. And this is probably because I write articles about saving marriages.  But I find that it is typically the wives who are motivated to try to keep things together, at least by my unscientific observations. The wives are often looking to position themselves as effectively as possible before the separation takes place. Some will attempt to have several conversations with their husband, but will unfortunately find that these conversations have not been effective. So, it makes sense to want to be able to communicate in some other way, which is why many wives will attempt to craft a letter that they desperately hope will make some kind of difference during the separation.

A wife might ask, “What should a letter say before my husband leaves for a trial separation?” There are so many things that I want to say to him and so many questions that I want to ask. But he often shuts me down when I try to get specifics out of him. He basically just wants to play things by ear. For example, I’ve tried to get him to commit to going to church with me, so at least I will be able to see him every week. But he won’t make that commitment. He just says we have to wait and see. I have tried to stress to him that I’m not going to date other people and that I want to stay together. He will stare at me as if he is listening, but he won’t give me any real response. It makes me feel as if I haven’t really had my say. So I want to write him a letter. I feel like everything is riding on this letter. So what should it say?”

I understand why you feel like so much is riding on the letter, but I have to tell you that I rarely see a letter being the deciding factor before a separation. I am not telling you not to write it. If it is going to give you some relief and allow you to have your say, then by all means, write it. But I am just sharing the information that I have rarely seen a letter change a husband’s mind. Often, by the time things have reached this point, the husband is looking to see real change through actions and this action is not likely to come from a letter. So, in my observation and experience, the best that you are going to be able to do in a letter is to set the stage for the actions and the change that your husband can expect to see. Yes, you can stress that you are still invested in the marriage and wish to see your husband regularly. There is nothing wrong with repeating your wishes. But, your husband already knows these things. You may not have gotten the desired reaction when you told him these things, but he heard you. So repeating yourself in a letter is unlikely to make him suddenly say, “well now that I see this in writing, everything changes.” I just say this because I don’t want you to put so much pressure on yourself about the letter. Certainly be honest and release your feelings if you think that it will give you some relief, but don’t think that the fate of your marriage rests on some written words. It usually doesn’t. Instead, it rests on what happens between you and your spouse during the actual separation and/or on what changes take place. It also rests on what reactions your husband and yourself have to being apart. Sometimes, this space allows for husbands to see that they aren’t necessarily happier living alone. It allows them to miss you and to have a perspective that they didn’t have before. No letter is going to accomplish this because only time can.

I understand the wish to write a letter. I had the same wish before my separation. I was desperate to do anything to change the situation. And that was part of the problem. My desperation. That’s why I caution you about putting pressure on this so that your desperation shows in the letter. Once I became desperate, my behavior actually hurt my chances to reconcile. I eventually found that it was better to focus on ensuring that our communications and meetings were low key, non stressful events where we could enjoy ourselves. I also found that things didn’t really improve all that much until my husband could see tangible changes that allowed him to think that our marriage might one day be satisfying again.

I am not trying to discourage in any way. If it makes you feel better, you should write the letter. But, from a strategic point of view, a letter isn’t often the thing that is going to save your marriage, so you have to be careful to not weaken your position by coming off as desperate. Instead, you can stress your commitment to your marriage and tell your husband about the changes that you intend to make in order to save it. Usually, actions in real life are much more effective than words in a letter.

Again, I don’t mean to discourage you.  But from my own experience, there needed to be real change before there were real improvements.  I eventually learned how to show these changes rather than tell my husband about them.  This made a difference and we eventually reconciled.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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When you are a separated wife who wants your husband back more than anything, you will often make bargains with yourself that you will take him back in any way that you can get him.  You might tell yourself that this is not the time to picky.  Even if there are remaining marital problems between you, having him home can seem like enough.  That is, until he tells you that he’s “only” coming home because of his love for his kids, not because of his love for you.  Suddenly, your resolve to take him any way that you can get him is tested and you wonder what you should make of his loyalty to the kids only.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have been separated for a very long six months.  Honestly, it has been absolute hell. Every day of it has been somewhat heartbreaking. I miss my husband.  I don’t want a divorce, but my kids are suffering horribly.  We’ve had behavioral issues from my youngest child, which I think is why my husband has agreed to move back in. After we had a humbling parent-teacher conference, we went out to dinner and my husband begrudgingly said that he should move back in for the sake of our children, since it’s obvious that they aren’t handling the separation very well.  He never said anything about me.  Of course, I’m going to take him back because I don’t want a divorce and things have been really, really hard with him gone.  And we have made some improvements in the last couple of weeks that I am really excited about.  But it hurts my heart quite a bit to hear him only mention the kids as his reason for coming home.  My mom says that if he is only coming home for the kids, then it is never going to work.  Is she right?”

Not necessarily.  I think that it really depends on what you do and are able to accomplish while he is home.  I believe that my husband had a few reservations when we reconciled (and I definitely had some concerns as to whether the same old problems were going to plague us,) but we worked very hard to iron them out.  I also worked very hard on making progress while I suddenly had access to my husband again.  Without any doubt, several of my friends thought we would never make it.  But we’re still married today, so you just can’t predict these things.

I had the same thought process as you did – I wanted my husband back any way that I could get him, but I did have the luxury of doing this in a gradual way. I was so paranoid of anything going wrong, so my solution to this was that my husband began spending weekends at home. Eventually, we worked up to days at a time.  And then finally, he moved back in permanently.  (There’s more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

I am not sure if this is possible in your situation, but it worked well for me because it allowed us to take some pressure off of reconciling.  If things went south, we could easily take a break and regroup. Once things went well, we increased the time that he was home.  You could have your husband spend some weekends at home initially to sort of ease your way back into it if it would help your confidence.

Speaking of confidence, I know that it’s hurtful to think that your husband is only open to a reconciliation because of your kids.  But I believe that someone who was totally opposed to a reconciliation probably wouldn’t allow himself to be lured back in, no matter what the reason.  There is no question that he probably is thinking about the well being of your kids, but if living with you was completely distasteful and unthinkable to him, I doubt that he would sentence himself to this unless it was something that he really wanted to do. In his heart, he must not be THAT opposed to moving back in, because he’s willing to do it.

Because of this, I would try very hard to focus on the fact that he is there and not to dwell on the fact that the reason may not be what you wanted.  At the end of the day, this really is an opportunity, no matter how or why it is occurring.  Having proximity to your husband is an advantage that you should definitely pounce on.  That said, I don’t think that you should expect for your marriage to pick right up where it left off.  Don’t put too much pressure on the situation.  Hang back some and allow your children to be the focus at first.  Just try to craft an open and supportive relationship where conversation easily flows back and forth.  Don’t worry about romance initially.  Just worry about getting along well so that you minimize the awkwardness.  Once you set this foundation and things are hopefully going well and your husband is receptive, then you can worry about working on your marriage.  But don’t rush there right away.  Focus on your kids.  Allow the close proximity to improve your relationship.  And only after you have a comfort level and a receptive husband should you worry about any more. At least that was my experience.

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Many people who are reluctantly separated are not sure how they are supposed to act around their separated spouse.  This can seem very odd.  After all, this is your spouse that we are talking about.  Chances are, you have known him for a very long time and being around him should feel as natural as breathing.   However, if you are separated and want to reconcile, you can sometimes sense that you are on shaky ground with your spouse.  You don’t want to do or say anything that will make him uncomfortable or drive him away.  And yet, the wish to reach out to him can be hard to ignore.

Someone might ask, “How do people handle the showing of affection during trial separations?  My husband and I have only been separated for a short time and honestly, I’m not quite sure of protocol here.  My husband was over visiting the kids this weekend and we were discussing a sad issue with my husband’s extended family.  My husband was upset and I went to hug him, with no ulterior motive whatsoever.  I simply wanted to give him some comfort.  I didn’t really think about it beforehand.  But when I did it, I felt my husband bristle.  He literally stiffened at my touch.  I pulled away and tried not to make a big deal of it.  Later I talked about this with one of my friends and she suggested that perhaps I should not show physical affection to my husband while we are separated.  She said that when you separated, you aren’t necessarily loving on one another.  Is this true?  Should I not be showing affection to my husband right now?  He wanted to separate.  I did not, but none of this means that I don’t love him anymore.  If I shouldn’t show him affection, I could stop. But I don’t really want to.  I feel like I’ve already lost so much.  Do people really not show affection while separated?”

It really does depend on the couple.  I know some couples who continue to hug, kiss, have sex, etc, while separated.  And I know others who hesitate to touch in any way.  There is really no hard and fast rule about this.  And in my opinion and observation (based and on my own separation,) I think that it is best if you either follow the understandings that you’ve already established.  Or, if you have not established boundaries, you either ask now or read your spouse’s cues to determine his comfort level.

My husband seemed pretty uncomfortable in similar situations and finally I just asked him.  I literally said, “Should I not do this?” when I attempted to reach out to him.  My husband didn’t flat out tell me no, but he was clearly not comfortable with physical affection in the beginning of our separation.  So I eventually decided to just allow him to take the lead.  That way, I didn’t have to worry about doing something that would hurt communication between us.  Instead, I eventually focused on trying to be comfortable and to laugh and relax with one another so that he’d want to keep communicating.  Further down the road, he was the one to initiate physical affection and I believe that this worked best for us, but that may not be true of every couple.

I do also know that things may change from one day to the next.  There might be a time when your spouse pulls away from you and then three days later, he’s reaching out to hug you.  It can certainly be confusing and can give you mixed signals.  However, I don’t think that you can ever go wrong by being friendly and supportive, but also observant as to how he is acting and how receptive that he might be at the time.

I realize that this is frustrating.  I used to think during my own separation that it just should not be so hard to know how to act around my own husband.  But I think that if I would have pressed the issue and pushed affection when he wasn’t receptive, that might have delayed our progress even more.  I learned that you really do have to take a gradual approach and just accept the progress that you are given.  For me, every time I pushed and demanded more, I had to take several steps back.  It got a point where it was no longer worth it and it became beneficial for me to watch for cues or to just let him make the first move.

This may not be the case for you.  It could be that you have a husband who is more receptive than mine.  And if you aren’t sure, there is nothing wrong with being honest and admitting that you aren’t sure how to approach physical affection and asking your husband how he wants to approach it.  If you are reluctant to do this, just continue to watch for clues.  If you feel him stiffen, that’s a good indication to slow down.  But if he initiates affection, then that can be an indicator that he considers it to be fine at the time.  I know that it’s tricky.  But it’s better to move too slowly than to move too swiftly and have your husband pull back, at least in my experience.  You can read more about how I finally ended my own separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they’ve become more of an individual than a couple. They feel like their relationship with their husband has become somewhat distant and, unfortunately, this was not their choice. There can be a loss of connection and that can invoke a feeling of deep emotional isolation and loneliness. Many of these wives have tried to discuss this problem with their husbands, only to be told that there is no problem or that she is making the problem bigger than it actually is. Needless to say, this lack of attention means that not only is the wife lonely, but she feels that her husband doesn’t even care.

She might say, “I thought that being primarily a wife and then staying home with my kids was going to be refreshing. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very grateful that I can give this gift to my family. But I am also finding it very isolating. And in the meantime, my husband pays less and less attention to me. He’s so busy at work that by the time he gets home, he is exhausted and just wants to eat, shower, and go to bed. He doesn’t realize that he’s the only adult conversation that I get all day, so of course I will try to engage with him when he gets home. But he just doesn’t have the energy or the time for me. When I tell him that I’m lonely, he tells me to get some girlfriends and he acts as if I am being petty. Honestly, I never thought that I would be lonely in my own marriage. My husband and I used to talk endlessly and I felt closer to him than anyone else. The distance hurts, but his not seeming to care is disturbing. He has no interest in meeting my emotional needs. Now I am starting to feel like my marriage is in jeopardy. My husband says that I don’t know how much pressure he feels at being the sole provider for our family, but I’d counter that and say that he doesn’t know how lonely it feels to be the sole caregiver. I truly do worry about my marriage.”

Validation To Prioritize Your Own Emotional Needs And Take Action: If you are looking for validation, I can give it to you. Any time that you feel worried about your marriage, I firmly believe that you should pay attention. I ended up separated by hoping for the best when deep down, I knew that things weren’t great.  I should have taken action much, much earlier.  It’s very important to listen to your intuition and to respect your feelings. So I think that you are right not only to voice your concerns about this but to be very proactive about fixing it. From my own experience and observations, one common reason for separation and divorce is that spouses don’t feel heard and understood. So feeling connected again should be a high priority.

Understanding How Busy But Emotionally Distant Husbands Feel: With this said, your husband’s stance is not uncommon. Many men do feel pressure to support their family and so they naturally turn their attention and their energy toward putting in extra time and effort into their jobs. This does not mean that they do not love their wife and family. In fact, it can mean the exact opposite. Many men will tell you that this is how they show their love. They don’t necessarily see themselves as good as expressing their emotions, so in their eyes, taking financial care of their family is an expression of their commitment and love.

While this stance can be understandable, it is not enough for many wives. Unlike husbands, wives express their love through words and touch. When they can’t get this in return, it can feel like a rebuff. So how do you fix the situation when the wife feels isolated and emotionally starving, while the husband feels pressured, and the couple is expressing their love in different ways? It can take patience, careful communication, and finesse.

Alternative Emotional Support During The Day: I know that your husband’s suggestion of getting some girlfriends might have sounded a bit flippant to you, but honestly, it is not a bad idea. When you depend on your spouse for all of your emotional and social needs, sometimes they will fall short, especially if they have work pressures. That is why it’s a very good idea to build additional emotional and social support systems outside of your marriage. Having other moms and families to pal around with is good for your children and it is good for you. It will decrease your sense of isolation and it will mean that when your husband gets home, he won’t feel as if you are pouncing on him – since he won’t be your only source of communication.

Inspiring Him To Willingly Give You More Emotional Support: In terms of getting more emotional support from your spouse, I often suggest giving your spouse what you want because it works in a very painless way. Most of us will try to get what we want by attempting to pressure, guilt, push, or shame our spouse. For example, many of us would basically tell our husband that he isn’t doing anything to quell our loneliness or to meet our emotional needs.  We would attempt to make him feel bad and hope that he would then try a little harder. The problem with this is that it’s hard to pull this off without our husband taking it as criticism. It can sound accusatory.  And as soon as he feels criticized, he pulls back, which reinforces our loneliness even more.

What works better is to give him what you want. So, when he gets home, instead of being desperate to talk about your day, ask him about his. I know that you want him to show concern for you, but initially, show concern for him. I know that this seems crazy and backward, but it’s so much more effective. When he doesn’t feel criticized and instead feels you making an effort, he is MUCH more likely to listen when you ask him for something. He is MUCH more likely to feel empathy for you and then to give you the emotional support you need.

This loneliness issue is quite common but is fixable with a little work and finesse.  It doesn’t need to mean the end of your marriage. Two people are working very hard for your family. They just need to come together instead of working independently.

As I alluded to, my inattention to the issues in my own marriage lead to a separation.  I should have addressed things promptly instead of hoping for the best.  Our separation was lengthy and painful.  It would have just been easier to avoid it.   You can read more about how we made it back to one another at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse is insisting on a marital separation.  The folks reaching out are understandably very reluctant about the separation because they don’t know what to expect.  Most people haven’t been separated before, so they can’t anticipate what their life might look like and feel like while they are separated.

Someone might ask, “What happens during a marital separation?  My spouse is insisting upon one because he says he’s not happy and he wants to see what living alone feels like.  I’ve never been separated and I’ve never personally known a couple who have gone through a separation.  So what happens during it? Do you have to split your assets? What happens with the kids? Does your spouse date other people?  Is it basically just like being divorced?”

I’m not an attorney, so I can’t speak about legal implications.  Some couples do opt for a legal separation where assets are dealt with.  You would definitely need to consult with an attorney about that.  Other couples just live apart for a time without addressing the legalities.  My husband and I did this, mostly because the hope was that we would reconcile and that it would be premature to split assets.  Everyone is different in this regard and it’s always a very good idea to make sure you are clear on how your spouse intends to approach this in order to protect yourself.

Why It’s Not Always Like A Divorce: As far as what happens with the kids and with dating, that varies amongst couples also.  In my observation, many couples are somewhat open to reconciling and they can hope that they can eventually work things out.  If they wanted a divorce, they simply would have filed for divorce rather than trying a separation first.

Loneliness:  I’m not going to sugar coat this. I don’t know any person who has been separated who has not experienced loneliness while living apart.  Even if you and your spouse fought and the marriage was painful in the end, I can almost guarantee that you will spend some nights wishing you could just eat dinner or watch TV next to your spouse.  Even people who look forward to the day that they are “free,” are quite surprised at how lonely they can feel.  The loneliness felt like a heavy weight around my shoulders during my own separation. That is why it is so important not to isolate yourself and to surround yourself with loved ones and friends.

Dating Other People: Because many spouses want to see what happens in their relationship, many separated couples don’t date other people because ultimately, they may want to eventually reconcile with their spouse.  I do find that the longer a separation lasts, the more likely it is that one or both of the spouses will date other people.  Whether or not you will date is DEFINITELY something that you should discuss with your spouse.  It can be tough and awkward to have these conversations, but doing so is much better than being surprised or disappointed later.  You can simply say something like, “I want to be very clear that I don’t intend to date other people during the separation because I still consider us married.  I hope that you feel the same way.  Can we agree on this?”

Kids During A Separation: As far as the children, most couples try to do what is best for their children.  In other words, they try to ensure that each of the spouses has open and unlimited access to the kids because most experts agree that this is the healthiest situation. Frankly, having kids can be beneficial during a separation because it ensures that you have regular contact with your spouse, which can be extremely important.

Coming To Important Agreements Ahead Of Time: There are a million little details that will need to be discussed ahead of time.  These can be hard conversations to have, but I promise that it is better than sitting in your home alone and then wondering how things are going to work because you didn’t iron out the details.  Before your spouse actually leaves, you want to clarify things like how the bills will be paid, whether your spouse will still contribute with maintenance on the house, how childcare is going to work, and how often you will see or call one another.  You also want to ask yourself if you will pursue counseling or self-help so that you can hopefully communicate or reconcile in a healthy way.

Duration Of The Separation: Separations are very individual.  Some are short because the couple misses one another and decides that they are definitely happier together than they are apart. Others linger for much longer.  Statistically speaking, the longer the separation lasts, the less chance for a reconciliation.  But there are always exceptions.  You sometimes see short separations that lead directly to a divorce or you see couples who were separated for years suddenly reconcile.   Some couples are cordial during separation but sometimes, it can turn ugly.  Sometimes there are misunderstandings and other times, communication actually improves when people realize that it’s important to be clear.

Honestly, separations are as unique as the couples themselves, but one thing seems constant – the more details that you can agree to BEFORE the separation happens, the better off you are.  And if you can agree to open and regular communication and meetings, this will increase the chances that you’ll be able to reconcile and decrease the chance that you will drift apart or assume the worst of one another. It also helps to try to remain cordial and open when you communicate.  You want to make things better, not worse.

Unfortunately, my husband wanted to try a sort of “wait and see” approach during our separation.  Although we did agree on some things, there were other things that he would not commit to.  This made me a bit insecure and contributed to things not going as well as they could have during our separation, which dragged on for way too long.  I finally found some strategies to speed things along, but I’d highly recommend ironing out as many details as possible because of this. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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