Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have begun to realize that their spouse doesn’t meet their needs anymore. They often feel as though their spouse doesn’t really understand, or appreciate, who they really are. Sometimes, the unsatisfied spouse will try to drop hints or to make comments in order to gently nudge more appreciation or attention out of their spouse. Sometimes, this is all that is needed. But other times, the dissatisfied spouse feels ignored and unappreciated. And occasionally, they can decide that they don’t want this type of marriage or this type of life anymore.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband constantly takes me for granted. I could drastically change my hair or get a very dark tan and he would not notice that there is anything different about me. About a month ago, I got a major promotion at work which was a very big deal for me. Not only did my husband not commend me or congratulate me, but he didn’t seem to understand why it was so important. He totally downplayed it like it was no big deal. One of my good girlfriends has been divorced for about a year and she just started dating again. Her new boyfriend constantly tells her how beautiful and special she is. She can put a tiny amount of highlights in her hair and he will notice immediately. He always leaves her little notes and does sweet things just to let her know that he is thinking about her. He will brag about how wonderful and unique she is around the rest of us. My husband never does anything like this. It is as if he doesn’t think that there is anything unique or special about me. I am just the one who cleans his clothes and makes his dinner. But he doesn’t get that there is truly a feeling person underneath. I very much resent this. I have a lot of anger about it. And I have been thinking about getting a separation or leaving my husband because I don’t want to share my life with a man who doesn’t make me feel special. What can I do?”

This type of correspondence is fairly common, especially among couples who have been married for a while. And it is also very common when friends of the dissatisfied spouse start dating again. Because now you are in a situation where you are witnessing people acting like teenagers who haven’t yet had to deal with the realities of a long term relationship. This doesn’t mean that this whole thing doesn’t hurt and that you just have to accept it. Every one deserves to feel loved and appreciated in their marriage. Every one wants, needs, and deserves acknowledgement. So in the following article, I will offer you tips on how to accomplish this.

Demonstrate The Behavior That You Want To See: I am going to ask you to have some patience with the point that I am about to make. Often, the easiest and most effective way to get what you want is to give it to someone else. I know that this might sound crazy, but bear with me. Often, when I ask dissatisfied spouses what they are doing that isn’t being reciprocated, it becomes obvious that neither spouse is showing a lot of the desired behavior to the other. And, it can be difficult to get loving, appreciative, and affectionate behavior from your spouse when you aren’t also giving it to him. So an easy way to start this process is to start to notice what makes your spouse special and then to compliment them on the same. I know that this might be particularly challenging when you feel this frustrated, but please try it. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised. Often, your spouse will begin to reciprocate (at least to the best of his ability) and if he doesn’t, then at least you have laid the foundation to having an important discussion about this.

If Changing Your Behaviors Doesn’t Get The Desired Response, Then It’s Time To Talk About It: Unfortunately, your spouse often can’t read your mind. And many can’t pick up on the clues which we think are very obvious. So, if after doing the best that you can, your spouse still isn’t making an effort to make you feel special, then you will want to carefully bring his attention to this. When things are going well between you, then you might say something like: “honey can we talk for a minute? I don’t mean to sound needy, but I would really like it if you could do a few little things to show me how much you appreciate me. I need to feel valued and noticed. I would like it if you would notice what is going on at my work and compliment me about it. I would like it if you would notice and compliment my appearance and reciprocate when I do nice things for you. I know that if you would make just a little bit of effort, our marriage would improve. And reigniting the spark would be fun for both of us.” Frankly, a good time to bring this up is after sex or after you have had a particularly fun night together. That way, he will be more receptive to what you are saying and is more likely to deliver.

When He Does Even A Little Bit Of What You Are Asking, Heap On The Positive Reinforcement: Sometimes, changes like this has to be a gradual process. You can’t expect for your spouse to change overnight. But most of the time, you will notice him make an effort with small changes. And when you do, then you want to give as much positive reinforcement as you can. Thank him and then do something nice for him in return. This way, he will associate making you feel special with something good happening to him so he will just naturally want to repeat the process.

Often, our spouses do love and appreciate us more than we think. And they just need a little nudge every now and again so that both of can revisit what makes you both special. Frankly, sometimes it can make us jealous to see friends in new relationships that are seemingly madly in love or infatuated. But sometimes, there is nothing as sweet as mature love that has been tweaked every once in a while. 

Not feeling seen or appreciated was one of the warning signs that my marriage was in trouble.  Unfortunately, I ignored the signs and this almost costs me my marriage.  We eventually separated and almost divorced.   I don’t want for you to make the same mistake.  And I hope that you will take some action and improve things.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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A percentage of the people who reach out to me about their troubled marriage do so because they are worried about the lack of feelings, romance, or “spark” in their marriages.  Sometimes, they are the only one who feels this lack.  Other times, their spouse has brought up the issue or has agreed that things have changed.  Because of this, one or both of the spouses could be struggling with the decision of whether or not they should leave the marriage.

Someone might say, “I have gotten somewhat fed up with my marriage.  My husband and I are like roommates and not even close roommates at that.  We rarely touch.  We maybe have sex once a month.  We are nice to one another and we do not fight.  But we do not passionately love, either.  I tried to broach this topic with my husband in the hopes that he would try a little harder.  Instead of disagreeing or arguing, he just nodded and replied, ‘yes, you’re right.  The spark is gone, isn’t it?’  He offered no solution.  He just sort of stated this as fact and changed the subject.  I didn’t want to just let this drop so I asked him what he thought we should do about this.  He kind of shrugged and said that perhaps we should just hang tight and wait for this to pass. He said we get along pretty well and have a nice life, so why rock the boat?  Especially since we have children.  I honestly did not how to respond to this.  My husband’s passivity drives me crazy.  Lately, I have started fantasizing about leaving, even though I know that this is crazy.  But I’m not sure what is the point of staying when even my husband is agreeing that the spark just isn’t there. I think that we both deserve to be with someone with whom we have chemistry?  Doesn’t everyone deserve this in their life?”

I would agree that having chemistry is nice and that we all deserve a fulfilling relationship.  I just disagree that you need to leave your marriage in order to get chemistry.  I say this because of experience. My husband and I separated.  One of the reasons for this is that he’d convinced himself that something was missing in our marriage.  To be sure, he had a point.  Things had deteriorated.  But with a lot of effort, we got the chemistry back and I’m extremely grateful that we didn’t throw our marriage away.  I have several friends who did exactly that and who later deeply regretted it.  Some remarried and found that they’ve just traded one set of problems for another.  No marriage is perfect.  But if you are your spouse are compatible and care for each other, that is the foundation with which you can work.

In truth, I believe that it is unrealistic to think that any marriage is going to be filled with blood-searing passion every single day.  All marriages have peaks and valleys.  There are great times.  And there are not-so-great times.  I agree with your husband in that sometimes, you are rewarded when you can just hang in there and ride it out. Yes, you might have to switch your priorities, step outside of your comfort zone, and work hard on shaking up your marriage again.  This is going to take time and effort.  But what if it works?  Wouldn’t it be great if you could have chemistry with the man to whom you made a lifelong commitment? Isn’t this preferable to rolling the dice with someone new when you could eventually lose the chemistry again and be right back where you started?

Admittedly, some couples will try to get the chemistry back and they will be unsuccessful.  They may eventually need to separate or dissolve their marriage.  But at least they tried.  To me, it is always worth it to try to save your marriage if you can.  I don’t mean to diminish the importance of chemistry or spark.  But I believe that I am living proof that you can get it back.  This is something that can be fixed.  There are marital issues that are tougher to address like infidelity, addiction, etc.  When a couple gets along and otherwise love and are committed to one another, then I see it as a no-brainer to try to fix this before you decide to walk away.  I could see leaving if you were in a harmful situation where staying was detrimental, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  There is no fighting or animosity here, which gives you plenty to work with.

Incidentally, I see your husband’s acknowledgment that the spark is gone as a plus, and not as a minus.  Why? Because at least he sees and is acknowledging that there is a problem.  This isn’t always the case.  Since you can both clearly see the issue and you otherwise get along, why not work together to see if you can fix it?  I won’t lie.  There’s not a quick fix.  You will have to spend loads of time together. You’ll have to step outside of your comfort zone and perhaps feel a little vulnerable.  But sometimes, if you make the effort and you take the time, you will find the spark has come back in spades.  And like I did, you might also learn that there is comfort in the compatible times of marriage where perhaps you aren’t swinging from chandeliers every day, but you are present, and you are content – right there beside your spouse.  That’s just the reality of marriage.  Some days it will feel great. And other days may be more of a challenge.  But as long as you’re committed to making it as good as it can be and to seeking what will make you both happy, I think that this can be good enough.  My husband and I most certainly restored our chemistry and I am grateful for that because getting the chemistry back meant a deeper intimacy, which is very important to both of us.  (There’s more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com)  But just as important is the commitment to dig in when the going gets tough.  It’s a great thing that your husband has this attitude and is willing to “stick it out.”  Now it’s just time to get to work and to make it better.

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I often hear from folks who feel as if they are married to their polar opposite. This doesn’t come as a surprise to them. In fact, many will freely tell you that the differences between themselves and their spouse was what attracted them in the first place. When they were dating, their differences were what made their relationship special. But, when they are married, their differences are what make their marriage problematic sometimes.

For example, someone might say, “when I met my husband, I fell head over heals in love with him. Truly. It was as if I’d been struck by lightning. It was intoxicating. I am a dependable, slightly boring introvert. I never make waves. I have a sense of humor, but mostly, I’m a quiet person who likes to curl up with a good book and be a homebody. I am not putting myself down when I say this, but it’s all true. My husband is very extraverted and he does not like to sit still. He loves to travel. He loves to do things on the fly. He hates to plan. He can be rebellious. I adored this about him when we first met, but my mother warned me that we weren’t really all that similar.  She told me that our relationship was doomed. But we dated all through college. I was well aware of the fact that we were opposites, but I loved it because my husband brought me out of my shell and I forced him to calm down. At the same time, deep down, we are not so different. We both love our families. We both love history. We both try to be good people. But now that we have been married for nearly ten years, our differences have started to chip away at me. My personality is naturally suited toward parenting and we have three kids. It drives me crazy that my husband hates to plan family things. When you have kids, they need structure. Also, financially, you need a plan. I find my husband very irresponsible about finances and this has become very annoying to me.  I see my sense of responsibility as an asset, but my husband thinks that I am a nag. He hates that I never want to go anywhere. It’s true. I’m perfectly content with being a homebody, especially with kids. Lately, he’s started to say things like ‘well maybe we’re not so well-matched after all.’ So I think that he may want a separation or divorce. This makes me very sad because I do still love him. My heart does still skip a beat when I look at him. But I worry that our differences are truly going to be the end of us. Can people stay married when they are opposites?”

What Martial Experts Say About Opposites: I did a little research for this topic in order to respond to this question. Plus, I was a bit curious about the answer, since I consider myself and my own husband to be opposites. (And although we are reconciled now, we did separate for a while.) What I found in the research is that experts do agree that the couples who have the most stable and lasting marriages tend to have similar backgrounds and values. In other words, happy marriages feature couples that share economic, social, and religious backgrounds. Couples who are close together in age also tend to be more compatible. According to therapists, it is helpful to share core values. So for example, if your faith is extremely important to you, but you have a spouse who does not support you in this, there could be a problem, since you’d be constantly denying something that is vital to you.

At the same time, if you and your spouse agree on what is truly important but just have different personalities and comfort levels, experts say that this can work (and can actually add some spice) so long as the couple is tolerant and understanding of these differences. For example, an introverted morning person (me) and an extraverted night owl (my husband) have successfully made our marriage work because we negotiate the little differences in our personalities along the way. We handle issues differently, since our personalities are quite opposite. However, we both share a deep commitment to our family and we share a handful of hobbies (even though our approach to them is different.)

Negotiating The Sticking Points: Here is something that has worked for us, although we didn’t begin doing this until after our separation. When big issues crop up (like finances,) we let the experts handle it. For example, like you, I am very conservative with money, while my husband tends to be more lax. These differences were creating conflict, since I want to save and he wants to spend. We fought about this and it was just deteriorating our marriage, so we worked together to pick a financial advisor and we agreed that we’d follow his advice. That way, no one is the bad guy and we don’t need to fight about this.

We also sometimes have conflict about extended family, since my husband is much more social. He tends to want to have lots of people around, even on vacations, while I like for it to be just the two of us. In situations like this, we compromise. One year, we’ll rent a house on the beach with others. The next year, it’s my turn and I love nothing more than a cabin for only two. When we do the more quiet vacations, I make a point to go out for a fun night or two. And when we do the “fun” vacations, my husband makes a point to have a low key night of two so that we both feel like we’ve “won” some of the time.

I hope that this article has helped. My opinion on this from my research and my own experience is that yes, opposites can stay happily married – so long as they share (or at least respect) core values.  They also have to be willing to negotiate where they differ. When this is done correctly, it can actually enhance your marriage.

As I alluded to, my husband is very different from myself and we did separate for a while.  Our differences might have contributed to this somewhat, but there were other issues at play.  After working very hard on our marriage, we’ve actually made our differences work for us.  Because of this, I do believe that opposites can be happy.  You can read more about our separation and reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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There are different things that will cause or stimulate a marital separation.  Some couples drift apart and begin to question their marriage.  Other spouses have very big and troublesome issues to overcome. And then there is a small subset of people who are sort of scratching their heads because the stimulus for their separation seems so petty and small.  One example is that of the fight that seemed to be about nothing but became a serious threat to the marriage.

A wife might describe the fight like this, “my husband and I were driving to a family dinner to his parents.  We’d had a terrible week and neither of us wanted to go to this dinner, so we bickered the whole way.  Before I knew it, things had escalated so badly and then my husband slammed his fists on the steering wheel and said ‘I am done with this marriage.’  I thought he was just being a baby, so I said under my breath, ‘sure you are.’  Then he responded with ‘you’ll see.’  That night as soon as we got home, he packed his bags and left.  He has not been back since.  He says that he wants a separation because we fight too much.  We do fight, but it’s always about silly things and then we both take it too far.  I think that it’s ridiculous that now our marriage might end because we were bickering during a car ride, but apparently, my husband doesn’t see it this way.”

Believe it or not, what you’re experiencing is not uncommon. I hear from a lot of people who separated after just one weird fight.  I am not sure if it will help, but I have a couple of theories as to why this happens.  I also have some suggestions as to what you can attempt to do about it.

Why That One Fight Might Lead To A Separation:  Most experts will tell you that it’s not likely that one fight is truly the cause of your separation.  Rather, it is the underlying issue or issues that this one fight represents.  Perhaps this is an issue that you just haven’t been able to effectively deal with.  Perhaps the fight is shedding light on the anger and resentment that are just below the surface or your marriage.  Often, it is just the cumulation of things that have built up prior to the fight.  My grandmother used to say that a fight about taking out the trash or replacing the toilet paper is not about either one of those things.  She used to say that if you looked really hard, you could always find the underlying cause, but she insisted that it was never about household chores.

One more issue to consider is HOW you fight.  I once had a therapist tell me that she could predict separation or divorce based on how a couple fought in her office.  She said that if a couple tended to tear one another down and personally attack, then there was a very high indication that this style of fighting would eventually damage the marriage.  She stressed that it’s important to direct your frustration at the issues – and not at your spouse.  For example, it’s understandable to be frustrated when you don’t have time to handle yet one more obligation for your spouses’ parents, but don’t make your frustration personal to your spouse because it’s his parents that you are talking about.

So if your fighting style is one of attack rather than negotiation, it’s very important to change that, or you might always have these reoccurring issues.

Moving Forward:  I understand why it feels unfair to potentially lose your marriage over one incident, but try to see this as an opportunity to get to the root of the problem underneath that fight.  As I said before, the separation is probably not due to one fight, so reconciling might not come down to just forgiving each other for the fight.  You want to take this opportunity to address whatever needs addressing so that you don’t end up facing the same old issues down the road.  One way to begin to do this is to try to soothe the high drama that is going on right now.  Time should definitely help, but when you talk to or communicate with your spouse, try to be calm and empathetic.  If you feel that you owe your spouse an apology for your part in the fight, this is not the time to hold back.  Sincerely apologize. Acknowledge that things got out of hand and tell him that you want to do better moving forward.  Make it a point to stay in close contact and to get along with a spirit of cooperation.  You don’t need to talk about your problems before the time is right and before you are ready.  But as things calm down between you, you’ll want to address what contributed to the blow up that caused the separation.  A counselor is probably the most efficient way to do this, but having a loving and honest conversation is a good place to start.

The good news is that when a spouse truly overreacts after a fight, he will often calm down and realize it.  If there are truly no huge underlying issues, finding your way back to your marriage may just require a lot of honest conversation.  But if there was a long lead up and the fight is just the icing on the cake, then consider counseling or further examination.  This is your marriage that we are talking about. It’s important to be honest and to eliminate what is contributing to the issues so that you can heal, reconcile, move on, and have a healthy and happy marriage.

My husband and I did have a string of fights before our separation.  But I think that the distance that had developed between us meant that we could no longer shrug off minor things or feel the empathy that was needed to just move on.  We did separate, but thankfully I learned a few things that helped us to reconcile. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are facing the idea of a trial marital separation.  Many of them don’t want the separation or are very reluctant about it.  However, their reluctance is unfortunately met with a spouse who is sure that the separation might actually benefit or help their marriage.  Understandably, many spouses are reluctant to believe this and worry that their spouse has an ulterior motive.  For example, a wife might say, “my husband has been talking about a trial separation for about four months.  Last weekend, he actually looked at apartments.  It is starting to dawn on me that this is actually going to happen.  I am so worried that we are going to end up divorced.  But when I bring these concerns up to my husband, he acts as if this is actually going to help our marriage.  He describes the whole thing as just, ‘slowing down to catch our breath and to enhance our marriage.”  Frankly, I think this could all be posturing.  Sometimes I feel like he’s only trying to get me to agree to the separation so that he can eventually divorce me.  Or at least so that he can experiment with being single in order to see if he actually wants to pursue a divorce.  I want to give him the benefit of trying to believe what he says, but it’s difficult.  Does his argument have merit?  Can trial separations actually help or enhance your marriage?”

I believe that in the right circumstances, they can help sometimes.  I’ve definitely seen some marriages helped during a trial separation, but I’ve seen plenty of marriages that have been hurt by separating (or that have even ended because of it.)  I do notice trends in both groups.  So, below, I’ll go over some common denominators of the couples whose marriage is actually helped by the separation.

It Helps When You Have A Plan:  Without any doubt, the marriages that I see hurt the most by the trial separation are the ones where the decision has been made in haste and at the height of emotion.  This happens when there has been a huge fight or things have deteriorated so much that one or both people just throw up their hands and walk away for a while.   While this can be understandable, it can also be damaging.   Generally, these folks don’t have any plan.  They just want a break.

The problem is that without a plan, the marriage and/or the reconciliation just sort of flounders.  Both people can be waiting for the other to make the first move or to take the initiative and then things just get awkward.  So after a while, the couple are not only not getting along, but they’re having a hard time communicating, so the issues with the marriage only get worse.

If you absolutely can not avoid separating, then make it work to your advantage.  Have a very detailed, methodical plan. Find a counselor and make appointments ahead of time.  Do not leave anything to chance.  Having to meet regularly for counseling will help to avoid many of the pitfalls that couples with no plan fall into.

It Helps When Both People Are Committed To Making A Good Faith Effort:  When people leave their marriages for a separation and indicate that they’re going to “see” or “gauge” how they feel during it, that’s always somewhat troubling.  In some cases, they actually do end up missing their spouse so things work out to the benefit of their marriage.  But in other cases, they sort of just drift apart.  In my observation, a trial separation works best when both people can say, “listen, we really want to stay married so we’re going to come together regularly with that shared goal.  But right now, we’re just going to take a break.”  When you come at it from this angle, you’ve set an agreement where you’re going to be working together toward keeping your family intact if it is at all possible.  When you make this commitment, it drives the actions that you take and the behaviors that you embrace during your separation for a much better outcome.

It Helps To Agree To Check In Regularly And To Work Toward Improvements:  Following up on the above, when you’re both committed to making the marriage better, the natural progression of this is to regularly check in with one another and honestly discuss what has been working and what hasn’t.  This allows you to stop whatever is deteriorating the marriage and to continue on with (and hopefully increase) what is actually improving things.  It is very helpful to openly talk about this because what you find to be helpful (and what you think is working) could be very different from your husband’s perceptions.  Anything that you can do to put these things on the table and be honest about them makes a successful reconciliation much more likely.

Couples That Learn From The Separation Can Have Stronger Marriages:  When I hear from couples who tell me that their marriage is better after their separation, most admit that the separation made them appreciate their spouse more.  When they were alone, they often realized how much they took their spouse for granted or how much comfort their spouse’s presence actually gave them.  These insights can increase feelings of intimacy and allow a sense of “us against the world” that can actually enhance your marriage.  Because you don’t want to separate again, you’re more likely to address problems the second that they come up and fight really hard to make your marriage work.

To answer the original question, with intention, the separation CAN improve some marriages.  You have a much greater chance of this if you go in with a plan, commit to regular communication and checking in, and commit to making a very strong effort toward clear improvements.  However, if you just “wait and see” what happens and don’t regularly communicate or strive to improve things, then sometimes the separation will actually make the marriage worse and contribute to a divorce.

I wish I could tell you that my husband and I followed the above advice during our own separation, but this just isn’t true.  My husband wanted to “wait and see” how things progressed.  We grew apart, things became difficult, and we almost divorced.  Luckily, I was able to educate myself and change course.  But I truly believe that if we had continued to leave things to chance, we might be divorced today.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who truly want to stay in or save their marriages. However, they are dealing with a husband who doesn’t seem to love them in the way that he used to. Often, he is not at all secretive about this. His lack of affection can be fairly obvious and worse, some husbands will freely admit that they are no longer “in love” with their spouse, (although some don’t leave immediately and agree to stay temporarily.) This can leave a wife wondering what she is supposed to do with this information. Knowing that he’s not going to leave tomorrow can be comforting. But knowing that you might be sentenced to a life without love is not comforting at all.

A wife might say, “I’ve suspected that my husband isn’t in love with me for a couple of years. I am an optimist and I always hope for the best. But I have eyes. I am fairly observant. A couple of years ago, my husband started to openly stare at other women. He would ignore me or barely listen to me when we talked. He stopped making an effort to spend time with me. I braced myself for him to seek a separation or divorce. When he didn’t (and when things didn’t get any better) I finally confronted him and said that I didn’t think he loved me anymore. I sort of expected for him to deny it to try to save my feelings. But he didn’t. He admitted that he loves me, but that he hasn’t been ‘in love with me’ for quite a long time. Then he said he didn’t plan to do anything about it for the time being because of our kids. He said he would never even consider a separation or divorce until our kids are grown. This doesn’t make me feel much better. I mean, I also feel strongly that we should stay together for the kids, but I am not sure if I want a husband who isn’t in love with me. My friend said I shouldn’t stay and that I should just cut my losses. Is she right?”

I can’t answer that question, but I can give you some things to think about. I was separated for a while in my own marriage, in part because my husband had lost some feelings for me and we had some issues that divided us. Most of our friends thought that we were going to divorce because even though I was making what I thought was a valiant effort to save my marriage, my husband just wasn’t into it.  At the end of the day, however, we did reconcile and I truly believe that we love each other very much, but it was a long process where I had to make strides with him when I was able to do so.

Why Feelings Can Change: The point that I am making is that feelings wax and wane. If you put attention and effort back into your marriage, you sometimes find those feelings coming back. I’ve seen countless husbands who’ve claimed to no longer be in love with their wife eventually find their way back to their loving marriage again. So, I wouldn’t just write your husband off. Feelings change when the circumstances change.

Setting Up The Transformation: Since you know that your husband likely isn’t going anywhere, doesn’t it make sense to try to repair and prioritize your marriage so that perhaps the feelings will come back? I don’t want to insinuate that this is solely your responsibility. It isn’t. But sometimes, it’s useful to take an honest look at your marriage and ask yourself what might be contributing to your husband’s feelings. If you can address those things, it’s often a good start to setting up the circumstances so that the feelings return.

In my own case, I was constantly trying to analyze my marriage and tear down what I thought wasn’t working. This did more harm than good because my fragile marriage was just not in any state for this. So I started very small. I just tried to interact with my husband in a positive way and laugh when we were able. I kept my goals very modest – to have good interactions and then to gradually schedule new interactions. I tried to turn down the pressure and to keep things low key and easy. Slowly, gradually, this gave us a comfort and ease that allowed the intimacy to begin to return. Once we felt bonded again, only then did we tackle our toughest issues.

But, along the way, we went from one of us being unsure about our feelings to both of us being very sure simply because we changed the way that we were relating to one another and we were able to eventually erase our most problematic issues. If I could pick what you took from this article, it would be that a husband saying he’s not “in love” with you doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage. Yes, it can mean there’s a lot of work to do. But many of us have lukewarm husbands before or during the separation who turn into attentive and loving husbands once we’ve been successful in saving our marriage. There’s more about my own process at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives (and the friends and family that love them) have no idea which of her behaviors contributed to the separation. Often, even the husband himself will admit that the wife was basically above reproach. When the wife knows that she did nothing wrong and truly feels that she was a decent, loving, and loyal spouse, where does this leave her? And why would someone want to separate from a spouse like this?

A wife might say, “I don’t want to brag on myself. Doing so makes me quite uncomfortable. But everyone says that I’m a great wife. I can’t think of anything that I’ve ever done to offend my husband or to make him truly angry. I never wronged him in any serious way. I always put his needs ahead of mine. We never really argued. But a couple of months back, I started to notice that my husband seemed restless. He insisted that we take an extended vacation to try to spice things up. This was difficult for me to accomplish, but I did. Still, the vacation probably wasn’t as relaxed or carefree as my husband might have liked, so again, he was dissatisfied. Lately, it seems as if my husband would like to have a life with very little responsibility and drama, but unfortunately, this is not my reality. I have a job, aging parents, and kids who depend on me. I still tried to make the vacation work, though. I still always try to put my husband first. But I guess it doesn’t matter because he still is living somewhere else and he calls us separated. I feel like all of this is somewhat unfair. I’ve always tried to do everything right and it was not good enough. Some of my friends are in the same boat. Why do men leave good, faithful, loving wives?”

They Look At Places Besides Themselves To Address Their Problems: The reasons that husbands will give you for the separation will vary. Most other people will tell you that the men are going through a typical midlife crisis, but I’m not sure that this explains everything. Some men become dissatisfied with their lives and they incorrectly identify the problem. They begin to think that perhaps it is their wife or their marriage that is to blame.  It is just human nature to not want to look at yourself as the cause.

They Take Your Generosity And Loving Spirit For Granted: Another thing that I see frequently happens is that the husband takes the wife for granted precisely because she’s so loyal and loving. Those attributes which should be prized and appreciated actually begin to work against her because she’s so reliable that he begins to think that she will always be there no matter what he does.

They Think That Deserve Complete Happiness Right This Second: Often, men suspect that they should give themselves the opportunity to see if the grass is greener somewhere else. They will tell themselves that life is too short not to be as happy as they can possibly be. Some of these husbands find out later that they were actually happier at home. But of course, by then, the damage has already been done.

It’s Not You.  It’s The Issues: Finally, even marriages with great, outstanding spouses can have problems and issues. I like to think that both my husband and myself were considerate and loving spouses and yet, there was a time when we were separated because we’d allowed a distance and a decay in our marriage that sort of caused us to turn on one another and to lose our intimacy. This wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It can be extremely difficult to juggle the priorities that life presents to us and still keep our marriage as fresh as it should be.

I know that none of these reasons helps you right now. It can be very difficult when you can’t control what your spouse thinks, feels, or does. It is a very helpless feeling. It’s very hard not to take it personally. After a lot of frustration with this during my own separation, I learned to stop trying to control anyone but myself. I had no choice but to place my focus on myself. At first, it felt selfish and odd. Like you, I’d always put others first. But when you make yourself a priority, you are teaching other people how to treat you. I found that I tended to get a lot more respect that way. This actually improved my marriage because I became more assertive and I learned to ask for what I wanted. I also did not allow myself to be taken for granted as much.

The good news is that many husbands do eventually come to realize your value and they realize that they are no happier without you. Often, the time away eventually gives them a different perspective on you and on your marriage. But that doesn’t make the uncertainty of the separation any easier. Still, take pride in the fact that you did nothing wrong and can be proud of your behavior in your marriage. Not everyone can say this. I totally believe in karma, so if it’s any consolation, your loving behavior should eventually be rewarded, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. In the meantime, it helps to try to deal with your husband in an upbeat and positive way. This helps to keep communication open and in some cases, it increases the chances of a reconciliation.  You can read more about how I brought about my own reconciliation at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I can truly identify with most separated couples that I talk to and hear from. I remember feeling so lost and adrift during my own separation. It may sound dramatic, but I truly felt like I was without an anchor. Most of us are married for a relatively long period of time before our marital separation and some of us dated our spouse before we married him. This means that for some of our lives, we were used to sharing that same life with our spouse. Our routines revolved around him. Our identity is tied up in being his spouse. Feeling right about the world means having him in it.

This is why things can feel so wrong when you are newly-separated. I used to tell people that for a while there, I felt as if I was walking through life with one arm tied behind my back. This feeling can be even more discouraging when you want to save your marriage but you aren’t getting any positive feedback from your spouse. As a result, your gut, your heart, and your friends may be telling you that it’s in your best interest to move on. But this is easier said than done. If you’re having such a hard time dealing with the separation now, how hard is it going to be to deal with a divorce? Most of us are desperate to feel better, but we don’t know what we should wish for in order to make that happen.

Someone might say, “I am newly-separated and I am struggling. This surprises me somewhat because before I was married, I was extremely independent. So I’d hoped that I would fall back into this once I was separated and might even enjoy my freedom. This has not happened. Instead, I feel like I’m floundering. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I end up bugging my kids too much. My separated husband is still very distant. I’d desperately like to reconcile with him, but he’s giving me the vibe that this isn’t going to happen any time soon. Some of my friends are telling me that I need to turn my attention to myself and to other things. But this is very undesirable to me. I really want to just hope that my husband comes around, but maybe I am deluding myself. I want to hope and pray at night for what is going to make this better, but I don’t know what that is.”

I can totally identify with what you are saying. Every night, I say prayers also. When my husband and I were married, I would offer thanks that my family was safe and under the same roof. But during my separation, I could not say the same and it really broke my heart, so I would ask that my husband be safe under his own roof. In my experience, you really do have to break this down day by day.  Sometimes, you even have to break the day up into tiny, manageable pieces.

The reason for this is that it is just impossible to see into the future. You can’t control what your husband will feel or what he might want. You only have control over yourself. That complicates things, but it also does allow some leeway over how you choose to move forward. For me, some days, I literally just had to hope for things not to get worse. That’s how bad it felt some days. Then other days, I would just hope for something to make that day better than the day before. After a while, I was actively taking inventory of what had improved. As a result, I was actively trying to take control over my days so that I could note improvement. This meant that suddenly I went out of my way to visit friends, do some charity work, and take some classes.

Eventually, I took some of my focus away from my marriage because my separated husband was not receptive to me at that time. I felt really sad and discouraged about that, but as I focused more on myself and on improving my own situation, my husband noticed this and it actually improved our reconciliation chances.

So as far as what to wish for, I think that you maybe just wish for the wisdom to take daily steps that are in your own best interest. Some days you may not be able to focus as much on your marriage because your husband will be distant. On those days, perhaps see extended family or friends. But always ask yourself what you are doing to move yourself forward or to make yourself feel better.

On the days that your husband is receptive, take advantage of this, but know that much of the time, improvement and change during the separation is gradual.  That is why you have to find the small things to hope for and to accept the small victories.  Sometimes, those give way to bigger victories and even reconciliations. If it helps, you can read more about how I did this myself at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many separated wives are torn about the status of their separation. On the one hand, they know that they have much to be grateful for, since they regularly see and communicate with their separated husband.  Better still, the communications are positive and cordial. So, things could be worse. But things could also be better – since despite the positive communications between the couple, the husband insists that he doesn’t want to get back together.

A wife might say, “I know that I’m going to sound as if I am complaining. I know that things could be much worse. My husband and I have been separated for around seven weeks. From the very beginning, we spoke every day. We see each other several times per week. Honestly, we are getting along much better than we did when we were living together. We go to dinner often. Sometimes, my husband spends weekends here. To me, it seems as if we are hitting our stride again as a couple. So I assumed that we would be getting back together. But when I ask my husband about this, he says that he doesn’t want to get back together right now. He says that things are perfectly fine as they are. He says that he doesn’t understand why we would force anything. Well, I’ll tell you why. I want my life back. I want to know that I still have my marriage and my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that things are going well for us. But why continue to live separately when we don’t have to? I don’t understand and now I worry that we will never reconcile.”

I understand your worry, but in my experience, it is better to take the progress that easily comes than to push for the progress that your husband isn’t ready to give. During my own separation, every time that I pushed my husband for more, it was a mistake that I deeply regretted because it harmed the hard-fought progress that we had made. Because of this, I eventually settled for a more gradual pace, but not before I’d done real damage to my reconciliation efforts. If I had to do it over again today, I would have accepted the small victories and not rushed. This might have meant an earlier reconciliation and a lot less wasted time.  Because the more I pushed, the more my husband pulled. And the more he distanced himself.

Reasons Why Separated Husbands Aren’t In A Rush To Reconcile: There are many reasons why your husband may not be in a rush to reconcile, and they don’t necessarily reflect his feelings for you or for your marriage. People can hesitate to rush into a reconciliation (even when things are going very well) because they are afraid to mess things up. Some people want to make sure that they’ve rebuilt a very strong foundation to avoid a failed reconciliation attempt. Very few people want to go through a separation more than once. So, as frustrating as it can be, it can be normal for your husband to want to slow down a little to make sure that he can trust in the progress that you are seeing. Some people sort of wonder what is the rush when things are going so well? (Of course, you’re likely wondering why, if things are going so well, is there a hold up?) I understand this, but also know first hand the danger in pushing and in rushing.

I know that it is hard to accept less than what you truly want. I know that it is scary to face the prospect of remaining separated for a little while longer. But, from my experience, if your spouse is regularly communicating with you and things are going well, then it is better to hang onto this than to push for more before your spouse is ready and then to have him pull away. Because once that happens, you potentially lose what you’ve gained. And that just isn’t worth it, since it can be hard to build back up again.

Knowing what I know now, in your situation, I would hang tight with what I have. I’d back off on the reconciliation talk if your husband isn’t receptive. I would continue to enjoy the regular communication that you have now and I would try to build upon that. Once you take the pressure off of the situation, he may become a little more receptive much more quickly. I know that you may have to actively force yourself to do this. It does not come naturally to most of us. But I promise, it feels better than having your husband go silent on you or start to avoid you because he gets tired of you pressuring him. It feels awful to lose the contact that you had and it is torture while you are waiting to get it back. In my humble opinion, it’s so much preferable to hang onto to the hard-fought progress that you already have.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how my gradual approach helped me to save my marriage at my blog:  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many people are understandably confused about how they should communicate with their separated spouse, especially when they are hoping that the break is going to be only temporary. Some have people advising them that it’s better to speak only sparingly, while their heart might be telling them that they want to keep in constant communication.

Someone might ask, “how are you supposed to keep in touch with a separated spouse? I’m hopeful that we will not be separated for very long, but I don’t know that for sure. My husband did make a point of getting a week to week place rather than signing a lease, so that does offer me a bit of encouragement. Still, things are not really all that great between us. We don’t fight horribly or anything, but we just seem to misunderstand one another all of the time, so things are tense and chilly. I am used to talking to my husband multiple times per day, but I don’t know how to proceed now. Some of my friends tell me that I need to follow the ‘no contact’ rule, but I don’t like the sound of that. I want to know that my husband is okay and I’d hope that he’d feel the same about me. Still, it would feel awkward calling and have him not sound like he is happy to hear from me. So I am not sure how I should be communicating and how often. What do most couples do about this?”

It truly does depend on the couple and on the state of the marriage. In my experience, it greatly helps to try to agree on the communication type and schedule ahead of time. That helps to cut out some of the confusion and awkwardness. For example, if you can agree that you’ll talk on certain nights and see one another at regular times, this is ideal. It allows you to check in regularly. Plus, literally seeing one another allows you to still be invested in each other’s lives.

I know that this might seem like overkill, but too many couples leave this to chance and then some time goes by and then it’s suddenly awkward and weird to call. People also tend to assume the worst of each other when they aren’t in regular communication.  So if your spouse is receptive to regular communication, I’ve found that this is best.

With this said, sometimes one of the spouses doesn’t want excessive contact initially, especially when things are volatile. In this instance, texting can be better than nothing. That allows you to check in and let your spouse know that you are thinking of him, while it’s not as intrusive as calling so that he has to pick up.

To be honest, I see “no contact” going wrong more than I see it being helpful. Often, with “no contact” the couple just drifts further and further away and assumes the worst of one another. The only time that I’ve seen “no contact” work is when one spouse is blatantly rejecting the other so much that communication is only possible when the rejected spouse is doing all of the heavy lifting. I had to do a variation on this, but I wouldn’t call what I did “no contact.” My husband got very tired of me always asking how he felt and what he wanted. When he wouldn’t answer me, I’d just keep calling and texting. He eventually shut down. It got to where I really had no choice but to back off. I went out of town. I told him that I was going and that I was available if he wanted to talk. I checked in every once in a while. So this wasn’t traditional “no contact,” where I completely went silent. I just toned down the communication on my end because it had become too much. But I made it clear that he could reach out to me at any time. And he eventually did. So it was to my benefit to tone down what my husband perceived as overbearing behavior. However, I would never have given my husband the perception that I didn’t want to talk to him and wasn’t available.

Ideally, it’s best to have open and regular communication in a way that feels comfortable to both spouses. You may prefer phone conversations. Your husband might prefer texting. You might want to actually see each other at regular intervals. Whatever works for you is okay. But in my experience, it’s best to remain in contact if you can make that work. It’s so easy to not check in and then before long, you’ll find that things have deteriorated even further. You’ll worry that your spouse is seeing other people or avoiding you. These things are avoidable if you communicate, but I realize that not everyone has that luxury. Sometimes, a text might be all that you get. But at least you know that your spouse is okay and is checking in. I tried to tell myself that my goal for each communication was to make it so that my husband was open and receptive the next time that we communicated. When you leave things on a positive note, then it’s more likely to be pleasant the next time. When you look at it this way, you are more likely to be in regular communication, which in my experience is the ideal way to go.

Your husband’s receptiveness may change from one day to the next.  Try to remain positive and calm.  I used to have to adjust from one day to the next.  It can be a juggling game to back away when he cools down, while still remaining in contact.  But when you can pull it off, regular communication is best.  I honestly think that if my husband and I had stopped communicating for any long period of time, we would be divorced.  Thankfully, we were able to save our marriage. You can read more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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