Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, you have a feeling that your marriage is deteriorating, but you hope that perhaps you are making things worse than they are. That is until your spouse says something that leaves you with no doubt that you were right. Sometimes your spouse uses extremely hurtful adjectives that can leave you unsure as to how to respond or of where you go from here. Examples are words like “miserable,” “loveless,” or “dead.”

Someone might say, “I have long suspected that my husband wasn’t happy in our marriage. Until yesterday, he had not come out and said anything, but he’d just moped around and he was no longer very affectionate to me. Last night, we got in a fight about something that really didn’t matter. It was something petty like household chores. I got defensive and told my husband that he’d been very distant to me and then he sarcastically replied, ‘Distant? Well I’m still here, aren’t I? And this says a lot because honestly, our marriage is miserable, but we’re both trapped in it right now, so we just have to endure it.’ I was actually very stunned by this. I didn’t think that my husband was happy in our marriage. But his words were very harsh. He made our marriage sound like a prison or something and I have no idea why he would even say this because how does it help? How am I supposed to respond to it? How do you even come back from something like this? I don’t know if he would tell me this because he just wants a divorce and this was his way of firing the first shot, or if he actually wants me to take action. Perhaps he was just trying to hurt me? When he talked about being stuck, he was probably talking about our kids. Neither of us has ever wanted to break up our family, but that’s no excuse for saying what he did.”

Don’t Panic. Think Long-Term Because His Words May Have Been Said In The Heat Of The Moment: I think that if he really and truly wanted to hurt you, he perhaps would have actually taken action to initiate some time off. He may have alluded to being “stuck,” but at least he’s making no plans to leave immediately. So that gives you some time to evaluate what you truly want and how you want to respond. When you evaluate this, try to do it at a time when you can be the most objective. What he said has hurt you, so it would be natural to allow that hurt to cloud your decision making. But it’s important that you try very hard to really ask yourself what you would want if you could put the hurt aside. It sounds as if you are both committed to your family, so I’d suspect that what you’d truly want is a happy family where both parents are content in their marriage.

Read Between The Lines To Hear What He’s Really Saying: That may sound sort of silly considering where you are right now, but it’s important to have your optimal endgame in mind. Then, ask yourself how you can get from where you are now to where you want to be. I am living proof that it is not impossible – even when you have a husband who claims to be “miserable.” (My husband used this word several times.) And now that we are no longer separated and I have some hindsight, I realize that what he was really trying to tell me was that our marriage had changed drastically and that he wasn’t happy (at all) with those changes. When you take the message at face value, then you have to ask yourself what is valid about that message.

There are some aspects that you won’t be able to change – like the fact that you both have to devote time to your kids and jobs. But there are other things that you absolutely can change, like making intimacy and connection a priority and trying to improve the way that you currently interact with one another.

I know that you are concerned with what to do with this or how to respond. As someone who has received this type of hurtful message and then separated before I ultimately saved my marriage, here is my very best advice about that: I would take the message as a call to action. If I had all of this to do over again, I would read the message as my husband saying, “Hey, I need you to make some changes before we really go off the rails. I want what we used to have.” No these weren’t the words that he said, but that is what he meant. I wish my reaction would have been to take an honest look at myself and my marriage and to immediately make the necessary changes. Instead, I got angry and defensive. This is a natural reaction, but it doesn’t (and didn’t) help.

If I had it to do over again, my reaction would have been to calmly ask him what bothered him the most and what he most wanted to change. That would have served us much better. So you might try something like, “I’m really sorry and hurt to hear you talk this way. But I want to hear the message of what you are really saying. I don’t want you to feel trapped. So what bothers you the most? What can we work together to fix?”

Your husband might be taken aback that you are having such a direct conversation. That’s okay. Because you can’t start to fix it until you know what is really broken with him. I know that his words hurt, but try to see this is as the necessary beginning to making the needed changes that might make you both happier.

As I alluded to, I reacted in a similar way.  I was indignant and angry.  This made things worse.  It would have been better to read between the lines to hear what he was actually trying to say.  Luckily, I saved my marriage anyway, but not without a lot of delay and pain first.  There’s more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse has announced that he wants to separate or divorce. Most of the people I hear from do not agree to this.  But of course, there are two people in any marriage.  So just one person wanting to remain together does not necessarily mean that it is going to happen. As a result, many of the spouses who don’t want to break up (even temporarily) will try many different methods to force their spouse to change his mind. Many will attempt to use logic and repeated discussions. Or, they will try coercion, scare tactics, or gentle pressure. When none of these work, they will often try to step up their game to the negative or “tough love” tactics where they’re trying to force or scare their husband into changing his mind.

One of these wives might say, “My husband initially said he wanted a divorce, but then I got very upset and begged him to think of our kids. So he backed off some and said that maybe we could consider a separation. The thing is, I don’t want a separation either. It would disastrous for our family and my husband is really being a baby who is going through a midlife crisis. We don’t need to separate or divorce. He just needs a little dose of reality so that he realizes how good he has it. I have tried numerous things to make him see this. I’ve tried being very nice, but he won’t play ball. So now I am trying to think of a strategy to scare him into dropping this whole thing. I have thought about telling him that I won’t make it easy for him to see the kids, but my friends are cautioning me not to do this. They say that it’s a low blow. Other than threatening to take him to the cleaners financially or to tell him that he’ll never find anything that makes him happier, what can I do to scare him out of this?”

Why You Shouldn’t Use Short-Term Tactics For Long-Term Results: I know what you are going through. When my husband wanted a separation, I tried MANY tactics to get him to change his mind. I am going to tell you what I learned through experience, although you may not like what I’m going to say.  Many of the tactics that seem attractive to us are short-term tactics because we want immediate results. Our worst fear is a separation or divorce, so we’re willing to do nearly anything to avoid that happening. However, because we are so afraid, we feel like we need results NOW. We feel like we can’t afford to wait even a little bit.  But in my experience, those short-term tactics not only don’t work, but they also make things worse. I am still married today, but I ended the separation and I saved my marriage using long-term tactics. This was difficult because I wanted immediate results too. But if I had stayed with those plans that drew on my husband’s anger and fear, I would not be married today. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

Put Yourself In His Shoes: Think about this for one second. Change positions with your husband. Pretend that it is you that wants the break. How would you react if your husband suddenly threatened you with the inability to see your children? Or with sudden poverty simply because you wanted to be happy? Of course, you would not only be angry and frustrated, but you would probably not want to willingly and enthusiastically reconcile with someone who wanted to hurt you in this way.

Making Him A Willing Participant: The most efficient way to make your husband end the separation or divorce is to gently encourage him to want to be with you and to want to continue with your marriage. This offers the most positive outcome because he is happy and he is there willingly. He’s not there resentful and dragging his feet because you used negative tactics.

On the flip side, making him want to be there often takes time. It’s not something that usually happens after one threat or conversation. It takes your being a skilled communicator during this very trying time in your relationship. It takes you using every bit of the emotional intelligence you have to try to feel empathy for him instead of anger toward him. Why? Because you are going to get a MUCH better response from him (and a higher chance for a reconciliation) if you do not immediately present yourself as his adversary or as someone who opposes him. Instead, you want to stress that you are his loving wife and that, because of this, you want to work with him so that you are both happy.

I know what a challenge this is going to feel like. Believe me, I have done it. And yet, this strategy worked so much better than trying to manipulate my husband into being scared or frustrated. At the end of the day, you DO want him to be happy because that’s really the only way that you’re going to have a happy marriage and that you’re going to feel secure with your reconciliation. And you want to be playful and light.  Do not approach this as drudgery. I know that you are afraid but you have to put that on the backburner for now.

You are far better off figuring out how you can address the unhappiness in your marriage than trying to scare him. These negative tactics can backfire horribly and can leave you with a far worse situation than you started with. Every time I tried one, my husband shut down on me and I had to work twice as long and twice as hard to make him receptive again. You can read more about my mistakes and triumphs at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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It can feel devastating when you’ve given much of your adult life to your spouse and your family and then one day it seems as if your spouse is just ready to discard everything that you’ve worked for. There are many unpleasant factors about getting older, but having a middle-aged spouse experience a midlife crisis and think that you or your marriage is the problem can be maddening. It can feel like no matter what you do, he isn’t sure if he wants to be with you anymore, even though you’ve done nothing wrong and nothing has significantly changed – other than your spouse’s perception of life and what (or who) he wants in it.

Someone might say, “I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years. We met when we were really still children. We have gone through so much together – getting through college, building our careers, having children, struggling with illness, caring for our parents, and financial ups and downs. You name it and we have been through it together. I will say that the last three years have been particularly challenging. We started a business together and things did not go as planned. We fought hard to keep the business, but eventually, we just had to fold. We didn’t want to lose everything on a sinking business. So letting this dream go was devastating for us. But after we sold, things settled and it felt like a relief. Except for my husband has gone a little crazy. Now that he doesn’t have the business taking up all of his time, he has decided that he needs to take some time off and find himself. He is going to travel extensively. I assumed that I would make at least part of this trip with him, but he told me that he wants to go completely alone and that he wants to evaluate what he wants out of life. He also says that he may decide that he no longer wants our marriage. I am devastated by this and I feel thrown away. He swears that there is no one else, but I feel very betrayed. I have given this man so many years of my life and now he may not want me anymore? I have supported him through thick and thin. And now that we’re approaching the time of our lives where our kids are getting to be less problematic and we should hopefully recover financially and can enjoy life, he suddenly wants to make his escape? I am not sure what to do about this. I know that this is his life and he gets to make his own decisions, but it’s OUR marriage. And it makes me feel just awful to be set aside in this way.”

I know how you feel. I too went through a marital separation at a time when I thought I was well beyond the age to worry about that. But, life happens sometimes. I got through it. I am still married today. But my husband also went through some things that made both of our lives a bit difficult for a while. Below, I will try my best to offer some tips that I found helpful.

As Much As You Can, Try To Step Back And Imagine What He’s Feeling: I am not justifying your husband’s behavior. But I think that once you can see things from his point of view, you can then craft the stance that is going to make things better and not worse. I say this from experience. My first response when my husband started complaining about being unhappy was to tell him that he was being self-centered and that he was crazy if he thought that life is always sunshine and roses. But, of course, when you have this sort of response, the unhappy person is going to be defensive and is going to think that you don’t care about their dilemma. Instead, try to sympathize with the fact that he likely sees himself as a man in middle-age who is now having to recover from a huge financial blow. This situation would be stressful for anyone. He might be beating himself up over it. He might have hoped that he could be a better provider for his family. If you can see him as struggling rather than selfish, this helps tremendously. This mindset allows you to be a little bit more empathetic and approachable and that is likely what he is seeking much more than someone insinuates that he is wrong or who suggests that he just snap out of it.

If He Insists On Taking Time, Then You Do The Same: Some men who are struggling in this way absolutely insist on having their space and they will not be talked out of it. Sometimes you can try to compromise – you can offer to stay with friends while he sorts himself out. But not all men are going to accept this. So, if he insists on traveling, moving out, or whatever he needs to do, try to use the time to your advantage. Men do not find it attractive when you just wait for them to make a decision. Instead, you want to actively work on yourself – see friends, go to counseling, pursue your own hobbies, and stay busy. Your husband will likely notice this and it is so much better than just waiting or continuing to demand more from him when he is so resistant. I know that it’s hard, but I promise that it makes the time go faster and it makes his perception of you better.

Maintain Positive Communication: The truth is that many of these husbands eventually find their way during their midlife crisis or their struggles. Many just need time. Unfortunately, it is so easy to debate, pressure, and argue during this time that our marriage is often damaged and the separation can be prolonged or even turn into a divorce if we don’t play this correctly. That’s why I can’t stress enough how important it is to maintain positive and supportive communication. I know how challenging this request is. But I also know that when you argue, avoid one another, or have multiple misunderstandings, you are less likely to get back together. The best thing that you can do is to reconnect during this. Some people do this via counseling and others just maintain a supportive relationship until their husband’s struggles pass. Once they do, you may sometimes need to examine your marriage for weaknesses, but it’s easier to do this once he’s in a better place.  And at least you haven’t done any more damage while separated.

I know that this hurts.  But you can’t control his feelings or behaviors.  You can only control your own behaviors and your reactions to him.  Try not to do anything to make this worse.  Try to take a supportive (rather than combative) stance. Use the time to your advantage and get help if you need it.  You’re welcome to read about how I handled a similar situation (mistakes and all) at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who have husbands seeking a “temporary” separation.  Often, these husbands are very careful to paint a picture of what might only be a slight pause in the marriage.  The husband indicates that he would like to leave or to move out only temporarily in order to “sort himself out” or “to have some space” so that he can hopefully return to the family in a better place.  The idea is that this process will drastically improve the marriage and only cause a temporary disruption to family life.  Of course, worried wives will often not buy this little spiel.  After all, once a husband leaves your home and moves out, how can there be any guarantee that he is going to come back, especially since you can’t predict what might happen during the separation.

A wife might say, “for the past two months, my husband has told me that he’s going to seek a temporary separation.  When I ask him to define this, all he’ll say is that he doesn’t want a divorce and that he’s not going to file any legal papers.  He just feels that our marriage needs a pause, as we’re totally fighting all of the time.  He feels that if we both take a time out, we can come back stronger and our marriage will improve.  This all sounds great, right?  But I’m just not buying it.  His only plan seems to be for us to live apart. He’s not mentioned counseling or working on our issues.  I’m too scared to ask him if he intends to date other people, but I am very concerned about this possibility. I also have some concern that he’s just telling me that this will be temporary in order to get me to agree.  At the same time, I’m not sure that my disagreeing with him will make any difference.  He has the ability to walk out the door whether I agree to it or not.  At this point, I’d settle for some reassurance that I only have to worry about this temporarily.”

I completely understand your concern as I was sure that my separation would eventually turn into a divorce.  It didn’t.  However, there were times when things looked very bleak.  The risk lies in the fact that there are two people involved.  We might want to reconcile, but without our husband’s cooperation, it is not likely to happen successfully.  From my own experience, research, and observations, I do believe that there are some things that you can do in order to increase the odds that the separation is only temporary. I will list those things below.

Offer Compromises Before He Moves Out:  I want to make one thing clear right away.  Even when a husband moves out, plenty of separated couples are able to reconcile.  This does not have to be the end of the world.  But statistically speaking, the longer you live apart, the less chance you have of reconciling.  So, it is to your benefit to make the living apart aspect of this as short as possible.  If you haven’t already, I would suggest offering for you to sleep in the spare bedroom or you staying with family or friends.  This gives him his space, but no one is moving out.  This arrangement where you do the moving gives you much more flexibility and control.  There is much less risk with this plan. The downside is that not all husbands will go for it, but if you tell him that you will truly back away and give him space, sometimes you can get him to try it on a trial basis.  This is better than him moving out, in my opinion.

Controlling The Important Variables When He Does Move Out:  Sometimes, no matter how much you try to convince him to try alternative arrangements, it becomes clear that he’s not going to be happy until he actually moves out. If you have to go this route (like I did,) then it’s best to hammer out as many agreements as you can BEFOREHAND.  The reason for this is that once he moves out, sometimes you lose liberal access to him as he is seeking his space.  So, it’s important that you talk and define as much as you can before he leaves.  Try very hard to get him to agree to counseling.  If you have to meet him regularly for these appointments, that is access.  Negotiate when you will meet and talk.  Try to make it as regular as possible.  You don’t want to leave this up to chance.  Ideally, you want to meet (or talk) as many times as is possible so that you don’t drift apart from each other and know what is going on in one another’s lives. It’s easy to lose intimacy when there is not enough contact.  Many husbands will try to leave things up in the air, but try very hard to get him to agree to as much as you can.

You’re going for improvement in your marriage and that can’t happen if you aren’t in regular contact.  Improvement in your marriage and maintaining closeness are the two things that are going to make a reconciliation more likely.  When you both see improvements and feel close again, then you’ll both want to end the temporary separation and live together permanently. But if you leave things to chance, separations have a way of lasting longer than you intended, at least that was true in my case.   You can read more here: http://isavedmymarriage.com  But a temporary separation truly can be temporary if you play this correctly.

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Most of the readers of this blog are women.  Specifically, they are wives.  Many of the wives are stuck in a marital or trial separation that they did not want.  This causes a lot of anxiety and worry.  Many worry about the separation before it actually happens.  (And then we do everything in our power to prevent it.)  However, if it does happen, then we continue to worry about what this is going to mean for us, for our children, and for our marriage.  Is there going to be any long-term damage from this?  It is going to strongly negatively affect our lives?  If so, what can we do to minimize the damage?

A wife might say, “I am very worried about the consequences of a martial separation on my family and on my marriage.  I have tried to find information about this, but most of what I am able to find involves divorce.  It is very obvious that the consequences of divorce can be steep.  That is why I desperately want to avoid a divorce. But what about the consequences of separation?  What am I looking at here?  Are there any upsides?  What are the worst risks that I need to be careful about?  I’m afraid that the consequences are going to be devastating to my family.  That is why I fought so hard not to separate in the first place.”

You are right.  It is very hard to find statistics about the impacts of a marital separation.  I did find one interesting statistic, but it’s a bit depressing.  I also think that it is a bit misleading, so I would take it with a grain of salt. I found a Gallup poll (Gallup Healthways Wellbeing Index) that questioned married, separated, divorced, single, and widowed people.  It turned out that the separated folks had the lowest well-being index of any other group.  Married folks were the happiest.  Separated folks were the least happy, followed by those who were divorced.  Single and widowed people fell somewhere between the other groups in terms of happiness.  Here is why I would take all of this with a grain of salt: I think that there are a couple of reasons that separated people were quite unhappy.  As you know, there is a lot of uncertainty about life when you are separated.  You feel as if everything is up in the air.  It is harder to deal with something when you don’t know what the resolution is going to be.  Also, separated people are usually dealing with something that is more fresh and current than people dealing with divorce.  Therefore, the wounds haven’t yet healed through reconciliation or divorce.

As far as children go, most experts agree that it’s best for children to live with both happy biological parents.  Studies have found that divorce can be detrimental to children and that second marriage homes can be detrimental to adolescents.  But again, there are always exceptions.  No one really thrives in a toxic home, regardless of who is living there.  And some second marriages are healthy.

My point is, statistics can only tell us so much.  I really struggled during my own separation (at least initially) but I have a friend who actually thrived.  She traveled.  She went on long adventures.  She did things that her husband had no interest in.  When she reconciled with her husband, she was invigorated.  This leads me to my next point.  What I learned during my own separation is that if you sit around and wallow in the uncertainty and you wait for something to happen, you are much more likely to feel the negative effects of the separation.

But if you try to use this as an opportunity to better yourself and as an opportunity for self-exploration, then you might find that some good actually comes out of this.  There are reconciled couples who will tell you that the separation ultimately improved their marriage.  Those same people will tell you that the process taught them to prioritize their family.

Speaking of family, you can do everything in your power to make this a smooth transition for your kids.  Make sure they know that you both love them.  Make sure that they have liberal access to both parents.  Demonstrate that you are still a family no matter what happens and don’t display conflict in front of them.  Try to still have family time. Work out your issues with your spouse only – not in front of your children.  What kids want is stability and attentive, supportive parents.  Yes, this is more challenging when you are separated and when things don’t feel normal.  But parents can and should work together to make this okay for their kids.  Always always always think of your kids first.  It’s so easy to allow your ego and your heartbreak to cause you to lose focus on what is really important.  But try very hard to always be aware of how your kids are doing during this process.

So yes, a separation can have undesirable consequences.  It can disrupt your life for a while, but if you try really hard to remain positive and to use the time to your advantage, you can minimize the damage and in some cases, it can sometimes actually improve things.  Every situation is different, but I learned that if you can teach yourself to be very conscious of your decisions and very deliberate with your actions, you can try to make the best of it so that in the end, something positive is the result.  If it helps, I talk about how I eventually made the best of it and saved my marriage here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who could have been my past self.  The reason for this is that they are separated and somewhat desperate to reconcile and save their marriages.  I typically have a very good idea of how they feel because I have been there.  I know that when you are separated, there is little else that you think about, other than a reconciliation.  You want the reconciliation to happen today – or tomorrow at the very latest.  Unfortunately, our husbands don’t always feel the same way.  In fact, they are usually the one who wanted the separation in the first place, so they may be very noncommittal when you attempt to talk about a reconciliation.  However, it can be hard not to become hopeful when you make start to make progress and you feel like you are connecting again.  Understandably, the improvement process can make you anxious to begin to inch toward a reconciliation.  But your husband may bristle at this idea.  And some husbands even back away from you a little, because they don’t want to be rushed. This can leave the wife feeling a bit stuck.  Because she loves her husband and she wants to reconcile, she might be willing to move at his pace. But she can worry about his sincerity.

She might say, “I have been separated for over three months.  In the beginning, I was nearly certain that a divorce was in my future.  But over the last month, things have slowly started to improve.  My husband has been coming over regularly to eat dinner with my son.  After we put him to bed, we have been talking for hours.  We have had some great talks.  I have started to feel a little bit of hope that we might reconcile and I finally got up my courage to ask my husband about this. He said that he is not opposed to reconciling one day, but he insists that it is going to have to be a very gradual process because he isn’t ready to commit to anything.  He said that we are both still figuring things out.  I admit that I was disappointed and I wondered if perhaps he was saying this just to get me to back off.  My girlfriend said that she would have her doubts too and that I shouldn’t put my heart into this until I get a commitment.  I am torn.  It’s not like my husband is asking anything of me.  We aren’t sleeping together.  So it’s not like lying to me is really to his benefit.  At the same time, I don’t want to get my heart broken.  Is it an awful sign that he wants to move slowly?”

Why A Gradual Reconciliation Can Have Advantages: I know why this hurts.  You think that he’s just trying delay hurting you and it is scary to get your hopes up.  However, I can tell you that even when my husband and I were doing really well as a couple at the tail end of our separation, we both made the conscious decision to take it slowly.  It was very hard for me. Because I wanted an immediate reconciliation.  But I also knew that I didn’t want to fail and to have to get a divorce.  I fully realized that our relationship was still fragile. I also knew that when I tried to pressure or rush my husband, he had a tendency to retreat.  So I didn’t want to do anything to make him uncomfortable.  I knew that I was probably going to get one chance at this reconciliation thing and I did not want to do anything at all to jeopardize it.

What did help was that, like you, we were making some progress.  So when I would get impatient, I would tell myself to contrast the weeks that we went not talking with the fact that we were regularly seeing one another, getting along, and enjoying ourselves.  This was just not worth risking by rushing it.  I understand your dread about your husband just trying to gain some time.  But look at it this way:  As long as you continue to make progress, why would he want to prolong the separation?  As long as each day is a little better than the last, hopefully, you will both be more optimistic about the future.  Why would he want to turn his back on that?

I know that moving at a gradual pace requires more trust.  But, trust is a skill that will enhance your marriage anyway.  One positive of gradual movement is that it allows you to make little tweaks along the way.  You’re not in a situation where it is all or nothing.  When you hit a speed bump, you adjust.  When things go well, you might accelerate a bit.  But you have the flexibility to do so because no one is any huge hurry and no one needs to move out again when things feel rushed.  When you reconcile gradually, there isn’t so much pressure when he moves back in because you’ve already encountered many of the issues that may crop up and you have already fixed them.  Therefore, your reconciliation has a much higher chance of success.  That is why it is important to keep your eye on the real prize.

Believe me, I wanted to reconcile as soon as possible.  But more than anything, I wanted to stay married.  I knew that moving gradually gave me the best chance at that.  Thankfully, I was right because we are still going strong today. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from wives who are ruminating over their husband’s announcement that he wants a break, separation, or possibly a divorce. Understandably, these wives can go over and over not only what he said, but HOW he said it. People suppose that it might be meaningful if he was indecisive or if he showed some emotion when making this announcement. Believe it or not, some men actually cry. So you can understand why their wives might wonder if their tears mean that one day a reconciliation might be possible. Someone might say, “I can’t say that my husband leaving me is a complete surprise. I knew that he was unhappy. He was pretty open about it, but he did agree to wait a bit before deciding what he wanted to do. Well, I guess he has made that decision because last night, he sat me down and told me that he was going to stay with a friend for a while and possibly later look for his own place. He said that he wants a separation and could possibly want a divorce eventually, depending upon how the separation goes. At times, it was difficult to understand his intentions because he could not seem to finish what he was saying without struggling and even crying. This was hard to witness. No one wants to see their spouse cry. But honestly, it gave me hope that one day a reconciliation might be possible. I asked him why he was crying and he said that this was all very sad. He said that he wasn’t sure if he was making the right choice and that he was disappointed that things weren’t better between us. I felt a bit encouraged, but then I talked to my sister and she told me that I shouldn’t get my hopes up because my husband has just told me that he might want to divorce me, so I shouldn’t be sugar coating this. Is she right? Is there any hope when a husband cries when he asks you for a separation?”

Why You May See Conflicting Emotions: From my own experience during my own separation, anything is possible. My husband didn’t cry when telling me that he was moving out. He was pretty stoic. I think that he did not want to get emotional because he knew that I was going to get emotional. And it DID upset him when I cried. But unfortunately, it did not change his mind. I find that a lot of people are extremely conflicted when they make the decision to separate. They are fully aware that this is a decision that affects not only them, but also their spouse and possibly their children. Many people do not take this lightly. They know that it is a drastic decision and they are sad and disappointed to make it. At the same time, many of them feel that they need to follow it through in order to know whether it was the correct decision or not.

So yes, I do think that it is positive when your husband shows emotion during this conversation. It tells you that he is still invested in you, the marriage, and the outcome of what is going to happen moving forward. It also tells you that he still cares about your feelings and well being. These things are important. However, they will only get you so far.

Many people who separate from their spouse are fully aware that they still love their spouse. This separation decision is not always based on a lack of love. It is usually based on a desire for something to change or to improve. Many separated people still love their spouse very much and yet, they just didn’t feel that they could continue to live with the situation as it was.

Using What You Know To Your Advantage: So what does this mean for you and why it is important? It tells you that your husband still cares and that is an advantage that you have. But it also tells you that this caring wasn’t enough to make him stay. So in order to get him to come back, you’re going to want to look very closely at the factors that contributed to him leaving. Was there an issue that just kept popping up? Is there something going on with his job? Had you lost intimacy? Was his unhappiness a combination of multiple factors? It is important to take an honest look at what has happened. Because the more obstacles that you can remove, the more likely he is going to be to decide that not only do you love one another, but your marriage is now a tolerable and improving situation. It is often that combination that allows a reconciliation to happen.

Once my husband and I reconciled, he admitted that he had never stopped loving me and that he never stopped wishing that our marriage could work. It was just that the reality of our marriage wasn’t close enough to the marriage that he’d envisioned in his mind. It hurt a great deal when he made this admission, but once I thought about it, I realized that he had a valid point. The reality of our marriage wasn’t as I envisioned it either, if I was being honest. No marriage is perfect, but it makes sense to get yours as good as you can. Which is why I started working on myself during our separation. I figured that if our marriage couldn’t be saved, at least I would have made some improvements to myself, which is never really a waste of time and is always worth doing. Luckily, the improvements that I made DID help with my marriage. These improvements (combined with a few other things) did allow me to save my marriage. And while it was great that we still had feelings for each other, it was the actions that we took during the separation that ultimately saved our marriage. There’s more about that process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have a strong sense that their marriage is potentially in trouble. They can not help but notice that something has changed. Their spouse may be distant or not affectionate. It might seem as if there is nothing to really talk about anymore. There can be awkward silences or distant encounters. Many people mourn these losses because this is not what most of us envisioned on the day that we got married. So, many people want to try and fix the marriage before it’s too late.

Sometimes, though, it becomes pretty clear that although you are willing to try most anything to save or to fix your marriage, your spouse isn’t as enthusiastic. This leaves you wondering if it’s possible to make any positive changes when you are the only one who is trying or if you are just wasting your time.

Someone might say, “Our marriage has been slowly deteriorating for the last two and a half years. My husband and I don’t really fight, but we sort of act like strangers at this point. There’s just a distance and a coldness. We hang out with our friends more than each other. We aren’t really aware of what is happening in each other’s lives anymore. It is like we are roommates. Since my husband is starting to spend less and less time at home, I fear that he’s going to give me the ‘I need space’ speech or to ask for a separation. So I decided that I need to make some changes to try to fix things. I started asking friends about what they would do, plus I did a little research and talked to people whose opinions I respect. I found out that if I invested more time in my marriage, then this would be a good first step. I was advised to make a point of asking my husband about his daily experiences and feelings. I was advised to devote more time to my marriage. So I have been trying to do these things, but my husband doesn’t respond very well. He will just sort of give me vague answers or look at me like I’m weird to want to interact with him. I finally admitted that I was just trying to make things better with our marriage because I feel that it’s falling apart. His response to me was that people who have good marriages do not have to ‘try.’ So he does not seem at all interested in ‘trying’ when it comes to improving or ultimately saving our marriage. I guess I question if I’m wasting my time. I’m willing to try just about anything, but if my husband is not going to do anything, is it all for nothing? Can I still make it work?”

In The End, You Can Only Control Yourself.  But Making Positive Changes May Nudge Your Spouse To Follow: It’s really hard to predict the future, but I can tell you my experience. My husband and I did separate because our marriage was also falling apart.  And it had gotten to the point where he was no longer happy. At first, he seemed completely unwilling to work with me. He just wanted space. He did not want to stretch or to make any changes no matter what I did or said to try to convince him otherwise. It eventually dawned on me that the only thing that I was going to be able to control was myself. Because we were separated, I did not have unlimited access to him. But I had unlimited access to myself. So that is where I placed most of my focus. I took a hard look at how I might have been contributing to the degradation of my marriage and I tried to address those issues. I wanted to be as healthy as I could possibly be if we ever reconciled. During the times when my husband and I did spend time together, I would just focus on making sure things went well and felt as comfortable as possible between us. I figured there would be plenty of time to work on the difficult things later. I realized that my husband’s reluctance meant that the whole situation was fragile, so I really only asked anything of myself initially.

Be Willing To Wait It Out.  He Has To Repeatedly See Changes To Be Convinced It’s Safe To Come Back Into The Water: I firmly believe that many wives bail out on a winning strategy too soon. Like the wife above, they can be doing everything right. But when their husband does not hop onboard immediately, they get frustrated and they wonder if they are just wasting their time or delaying the inevitable.  Sometimes, you just need to give the strategy more time.  Your husband may notice the changes you are making. He may even be a little intrigued.  But he’s often skeptical. He’s afraid to put faith in the plan until enough time has passed for him to see that the changes are genuine and are going to stick.

In my own case, eventually my husband noticed the changes that I had made, and this gradually inspired him to be more receptive and to work with me. So in my opinion, you CAN improve or save your marriage when it is only you “trying” at first. Because your repetitive changes over time can help your husband to see that the effort is worth it so that he eventually gets on board.  (Sometimes you will need to be patient until you are able to get passed his skepticism.)

So yes, you may be the only one “trying” at first, but if you begin to thread the needle, many husbands will eventually get with the program and your combined efforts can make a very big difference in the quality of your marriage. My husband wasn’t interested at all initially, but since I was willing to take the initial efforts onto my own shoulders, we are still married today because he eventually came around, which is why I’m very grateful that I was patient and did not give up.  There’s more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from separated wives who have suddenly started having vivid dreams about their separated husbands.  They often wonder what this means and whether it might have any implication on a reconciliation.  Understandably, these wives are often fearful that bad or ominous dreams mean that a divorce is imminent or that good or hopeful dreams mean that things might get better.

Here’s an example.  A wife might say, “honestly, I’m not someone who typically remembers my dreams.  I usually do not have very many.  But ever since my husband and I separated, I’ve dreamt of him every night.  In the beginning, my dreams were romantic.  They were more like memories of us when we first met.  I’d wake up hopeful and I’d think that the good dreams were a good sign.  But then, the dreams started to get darker.  I’d dream that my husband was injured.  Or I’d dream that he got remarried, although we’d never divorced.  I’d dream that right as we were making progress, he would meet someone else and want to marry her. I wake up in a cold sweat sometimes.  I worry that my subconscious is telling me that my marriage is over.  I’ve told some of my friends about this and they think that I’m crazy.  I’ve even thought of trying to read some books about dreams to see what all of this means.  I know that this is crazy, but do these dreams have any impact on things?”

I am in no way a professional.  I can’t interpret dreams and I am not a therapist.  I am just a wife who in the past was separated and I write articles about the experience.  I used to have the same types of dreams during my own separation. And frankly, I think that the dreams only impacted things when I allowed the dreams to upset me, make me fearful, and then acted out because of them.  Unfortunately, this happened more times than I care to admit.

Some Perspective About The Dreams: In hindsight, I now notice something very useful about the dreams.  They often reflected my mood or overall emotions.  At the time of my separation, my emotions were overwhelmingly fearful, which is why my dream usually depicted the loss of my husband in some way. This wasn’t always literal, although I sometimes did have dreams of him being injured. No, it was more like he was gradually being lost to me, like I’d be trying to get to him in my dreams, but he was just out of reach.  Or I’d be in the forrest and I could see him with someone else. Ocassionally, if my husband and I had a decent conversation or outing, I’d dream hopeful, romantic dreams.  I don’t think that you need to be a great therapist to see that I was usually either dreaming about what I either really didn’t want to happen or what I really did want to happen.  It was basically opposite extremes.  There was no middle ground.

Interestingly enough, my husband and I are reconciled today and the literal manifestation of these dreams never happened.  What I mean by this is that I haven’t had the actual real manifestation of anything that I’ve dreamed.   I wasn’t seeing into the future when I had bad dreams or good dreams.  With that said, sometimes I would have bad dreams and the emotions that I experienced when I woke up contributed to me doing things that I later regretted.  For example, if I’d dream that my husband had met someone else, I’d literally accuse him of cheating if we had a really bad day. I like to think that I might not have done this if I hadn’t had the dream.

So I think it’s really helpful to try to keep this in perspective.  You’re likely dreaming based on fear and on on not knowing what is going to happen.  That’s why in the beginning you were having hopeful dreams and why they might also be changing now.  (You might be losing hope.)  Please try not to  put so much importance on the dreams that you allow them to influence your reality.  This doesn’t need to be the case if you don’t let it.

Just to show you that this can happen with anything that you care deeply about, I recently had a similar experience with one of my pets.  My rescue dog was found to have heartworms after I adopted him.  He had a severe case and I was extremely worried that he wasn’t going to make it.  I’d dream about him being really sick ,or disabled, or that he died.  I would wake up and I’d rush to him, thinking that I was surely going to find him dead.  When he would be fine, I’d worry that his health was going to deteriorate because maybe in some way, the dreams were prophetic.   That wasn’t the case in exactly the same way that it wasn’t the case with my husband.  He’s now a happy, heartworm-free, playful dog that enhances our life.  The dreams had nothing to do with reality.  They were only based on my fear that he wasn’t going to be okay.

Why It Is Action, Not Dreams, That Determine The Future: Your dreams about your husband are probably based on your fear that your marriage isn’t going to be okay.  But dreams do not determine the future.  Your actions do.  If you want to turn this negative into a positive, use these emotions to propel you to do the work to save your marriage.  Don’t let it propel you to confront your husband or to assume the worst.  During my own separation, I learned to only do things that were going to bring my husband closer to me, not to drive him away.  Panicking about dreams falls into the category of the later, although I know that having perspective about this can be challenging.  I can tell you, though, that my dreams definitely had no impact whatsoever on our separation and eventual reconciliation.You can read more about that reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from wives who aren’t sure where to turn after they believe that their husband just doesn’t love them anymore.  Sometimes, these wives come to this realization after watching their husband’s behavior.  Other times, this comes after a big argument or a large issue has cropped up.  Occasionally, it is the husband who is making this claim for himself.  However it has happened, the wife has come to the conclusion that she is unloved, and she is often very hurt and confused by this.

She might say, “my husband won’t exactly admit that he no longer loves me, but he doesn’t deny it either.  When we first got married, he would rush home to me.  We didn’t have much money, but we could always have fun just being together.  We used to love to cook and sing together.  I can’t remember the last time we did that.  Now my husband routinely comes home late for work and he doesn’t have much to say to me when he finally does come home.  I will try to be pleasant and to have a nice evening and although he is cordial, he doesn’t engage with me in the way that he used to.  Last week, my mother had a bit of a health scare.  She fell and really hurt herself, so I felt it was necessary to go and spend a few days with her and to handle some safety issues around her home.  Previously, my husband would always accompany me on these types of trips.  We were always in this together.  Last night, he told me that he was just too busy and that he wouldn’t be going with me. When I got sad about this, I told him that it felt like he didn’t love me anymore.  He sort of laughed me off and didn’t answer my concern.  When I think back and go over the last couple of years, I can see a lot of other incidents like this – where his behavior could have been reassuring and loving, but it wasn’t.  I guess I just didn’t want to see it at the time.  Some of my friends say that I am making too much out of this, but I don’t think so.  I am pretty sure that my husband no longer loves me, and I don’t know how to deal with this.  I don’t want a divorce.  I don’t want to lose my marriage.  But how do you have a marriage without love?”

Understanding Where You Are Now And Where You Could Be In The Future: I understand your concern.  There was a time in my own marriage where I felt my husband’s love slip away.  I did not want to face reality, so I just looked away and hoped that things would get better.  They didn’t.  We separated.  So I would never encourage you to just ignore this or to not address it.  You should always address what makes you uncomfortable and uneasy about your marriage.  With that said, I am almost positive that before and during my own separation, my husband truly believed that he no longer loved me.  I’m also pretty certain that he believed that the love could never come back.

And yet, here it is years later, and we are still married today. And since we have made big changes and improvements to our marriage, I feel extremely loved and valued.  The way that I am treated today is vastly different to the way that I was treated then.  (And my husband would probably say the same thing.) But it took a lot of effort to get from that day to this one.  The point that I am trying to make is that even if you are right and your husband thinks that he doesn’t love you, it is possible to change that.

I firmly believe that we all tend to be heavily influenced by the circumstances and situations that surround us.  If our marriage becomes a bit tired and we don’t see a quick and immediate fix for it, we are at risk of believing that we no longer love our spouse in the way that we used to.  Ours is an instant gratification society filled with “perfect” social media images that just aren’t real.  So there is a real tendency to throw something away or to make vast changes when things no longer appear to be perfect.  We convince ourselves that we are dealing with a lost cause and that our efforts to change things might be a waste of time.

That’s the bad news.  Now, here is some good news.  The above scenario is not set in stone.  My marriage is one example, but I know plenty of others. If you can change the sour situation and circumstances, you can also change the perception of the feelings.  Yes, our marriages change with time.  The man who used to rush home now has countless responsibilities on his shoulders.  It may have nothing to do with his wife, but he notices that when he comes home, he doesn’t feel like he used to. This isn’t his wife’s fault, but sometimes, he attaches these feelings onto her and withdraws from the marriage.  This is unfair, but the one ray of light here is that if both parties can figure out a way to lighten his load or to change the home dynamic so that home is his safe place to fall, suddenly his feelings about his wife are going to change also.

Do you see what I mean?  You often need to look at what is surrounding the feelings every bit as much as you need to look at the feelings themselves.  I know that it’s very discouraging to look around and think that your husband might not love you, but I don’t think that you need to just accept this.  See if you can identify what is contributing to this situation and make whatever changes are necessary.  I know from experience that if you can do this, the feelings often return.  And you can restore your loving marriage to what it felt like in the past.  Feelings don’t just disappear, but situations can make it feel this way. If you’d like to read more about the process of saving my own marriage, you can check out http://isavedmymarriage.com

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