Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel as if they may as well be speaking a foreign language to their husbands because he doesn’t seem to understand what they are saying, especially when it comes to their feelings.  It’s often a struggle to make their husband listen and understand, especially when these feelings are emotional ones that are negatively affecting the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’m a stay at home mom and I’m grateful that I can stay at home.  But there are times when I get so lonely and I feel so taken for granted that I feel as if I am going to explode.  When I try to express this to my husband, he insinuates that I’m whining and he tunes me out.  I am not sure how much longer I can take this.  It makes me feel as if I don’t matter or if I’m the second class citizen in my own home.  Occasionally, when he does listen, he belittles me and his comments make it clear that he doesn’t understand me at all.  What can I do to make him see how I feel?  And how can I get him to care about what is important to me?”

This is a very common but workable issue.  Wives very commonly feel that their husbands don’t understand their feelings.  And when this issue reaches a point where the wife doesn’t feel understood on the important or central issues, then it can eventually pose a threat to the marriage. It’s vital that you feel heard and understood.  So in the following article, I’ll offer some tips that might help with this.

Be Careful That You Don’t Sound Critical.  And Make It Clear That You Don’t Expect Him To Fix All Of Your Problems: If you were to talk the husband on the other side of this scenario, he might say something like this: “my wife says I don’t listen to or understand her, but the truth is, I try my best but it’s impossible.  She sort of rambles on.  I listen and then I offer suggestions about what might make things better.  But she just sighs and looks at me like I don’t get it.  Then a few days later, we go through the whole thing again.  And it gets old.  I’m not sure what she wants from me.  Our kids need a lot from her because they’re small. This won’t last forever.  I know it’s not a glamorous job, but I don’t know how to make things better for her.”

See, much of the time, the husband feels a little helpless.  Men often think that when we talk about our feelings, we are asking them to fix things.  But what we really want is for them to listen and then to validate us.  We want for them to understand why we feel the way that we do and we want for them to feel empathy because they love us and they want for us to be happy.

But when they try to fix things and nothing improves, then our husbands start to feel as if we’re just whining or don’t really want to change or improve things.  That’s why it’s so important that you try to make it clear that you really want for him to listen to you and then just offer you some validation or support.  That way, both of you will feel as if his listening and attempting to understand is actually worth the effort and is actually getting you somewhere.

Make It Worth His While To Listen And Understand:  It’s a pretty safe bet that your pay off from your husband’s attention and understanding is that you feel a little bit better and you also feel more close to him.  But have you ever stopped to ask yourself if he’s getting any pay off?  Because human nature is such that people aren’t as willing to participate in something that doesn’t offer a regular pay off.  He needs to feel as if it’s in his best interest to make every attempt to not only listen, but to understand.

That’s why it’s vital that you make this process worth his while.  When he does listen and offers you some validation or understanding, make sure that you offer lots of praise and appreciation.  Understand his currency and use this to his advantage. For example, if he wants more physical intimacy with you, make sure you offer it up after he listens and understands.  That way, he will associate this with a pleasurable process and he won’t resist in the future but will instead be a willing participant.

Make Sure That You’re Clear Enough So That His Understanding Is Actually Possible:  I know that there are things that my girlfriends will understand about my feelings almost immediately and with out a lot of explanation.  I also know that sometimes, I have to talk to my husband in a different way that I talk to my girlfriends.  Men sometimes don’t easily understand feelings in the way that women do.  That’s why it can greatly help your cause if you try to be as clear as you possibly can.  If possible, try to relate your situation to something that he can identify with.

For example, you might say something like: “remember when you didn’t get credit for that project at work and you felt unappreciated?  Well, that’s how I feel on a regular basis and it makes me withdraw.  I know that you don’t want for me to feel unhappy and I need your help.”  This is so much more specific than saying something vague like “no one ever notices or appreciates what I do and I’m sick of it.” Because when you make vague and accusatory phrases like this, not only does he become defensive, but he often doesn’t know what he can do because you haven’t been very specific.

If there is something that you want and need from him, simply ask.  Unfortunately, men can’t read our minds.  They often do want to help us and they want for us to be happy, but sometimes we have to spell it out for them and be careful with our delivery. And when they do the right thing and actually listen, then we have to reward them so that we create the new habits that are going to make us feel understood and validated on a regular basis.

My husband and I went through this cycle for a long time until we eventually separated.  It wasn’t until we learned to communicate in a whole new way that I actually had hope that our marriage might not only be saved, but be one that we both enjoyed.  If it helps, you can read our story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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I sometimes hear from separated wives who want nothing more than for their husband to come home. I understand this thinking because it is what I felt when I was separated. I used to ask myself how many more days or weeks that I could tolerate. I would tell myself that I could probably only tolerate a few more days. But guess what? Unfortunately, it wasn’t my choice as to how much I could take. I had to tolerate MANY more days – quite a few more days than I ever anticipated.  But I actually survived and eventually, my marriage did too.

However, during my separation, I always wondered just what I could do to get my husband home. And I know that I’m not alone. I hear from wives who say things like, “my husband has been living apart from me for almost two months. He’s been unhappy with our marriage and he wanted time to see how he would feel living alone. Honestly, we haven’t seen one another as much as I would like. He always puts me off. We talk because I call him. Last night, I asked him when he was going to come home. He replied that he didn’t know. I asked him didn’t he want to come home? His response was ‘not right now.’ I don’t necessarily understand this. We haven’t been fighting as badly as we were, so I don’t get why he needs to continue to stay away.”

I get how you feel. During my own separation, I didn’t understand why my husband didn’t want to rush home, because being apart felt so wrong to me. But clearly, he did not share my sentiments. For the longest time, I didn’t understand why. After we reconciled and had some honest conversations, I started to figure out why men sometimes delay coming home. I will share these observations below.

It Could Be That Not Enough Has Changed. (At Least For Him:) Here is one major thing that I did not understand in the beginning stages of my own separation. My husband was actively looking for real and continuous change before he would even allow himself to be open to a reconciliation. I sort of just assumed that once things calmed down, he would get tired of living on his own and we would just sort of fall back into our marriage. Well, this was not going to be considered good enough for my husband. He wanted a greatly improved marriage. And in order to believe that this could be a reality, he wanted to see the concrete and continuous changes that were going to make this possible. He was watching and waiting for that. And, until he saw it, he was perfectly willing to continue on with the separation.

He’s Waiting To See If Any Changes Are Real: Here is another thing that I didn’t understand. Once I clued in that my husband expected changes, I started to work on those things – and so did he. However, in my anxious mind, I hoped that when he saw me making an effort, this would be enough. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that simple. My husband only wanted to reconcile once. Therefore, he wanted to wait until he could be absolutely sure that the changes made were real and were lasting so that we could actually make those changes stick. At first, I hated this. I thought that he was needlessly delaying our reconciliation or that he didn’t love me enough to just dive in.

However, now that enough time has passed and the pain of this is not so fresh, I realize that he was right. He moved back in very gradually. At first, he would only spend a night every now and again. Then he would spend weekends. This allowed us to gradually make adjustments as issues came up. Of course, I was impatient, but, at the same time, I was very afraid of my husband being distant and cold to me again if something went wrong. So I did not want to jinx anything. I had to work very hard to get my husband receptive to me again, so if I had to wait a little while longer to ensure that I wouldn’t have to go through a separation again – or worse – a divorce, then I was willing to do it (although not always patiently. There’s more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Yes, I always worried that he didn’t want to come right away because he didn’t want me or the marriage. I also sometimes worried that he had met someone else. Luckily, this turned out to not be the case for me. I know that it does happen sometimes. But, in many cases, the husband just doesn’t want to move too quickly and he wants to make sure that real changes are in place that are going to give a reconciliation a better chance of working.

The good news with this is that some of this is within your control. You can attempt to make the changes that he is looking for (either by yourself or with self-help or/and a counselor) and you can watch and listen very closely for clues when you are on the right track. I learned to be very good at observation and listening. When something I changed didn’t get a good response, I did less of that. When a change I made had a good response, I did more of that and introduced more behaviors like what I’d already had success with.

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I sometimes hear from wives who have spent a night away from their husband because he stormed out after a fight. Sometimes the wives know where their husband went and other times, he is not ready to disclose this information. Regardless of the specific details, many wives are shaken by this. No matter what the fight was about, it’s clear that having your spouse be so angry that he’s going to storm out and sleep somewhere else is not ideal. In fact, many wives worry that this type of fighting and outcome is going to eventually lead to a separation or divorce.

Someone might say, “I am very upset today. My husband and I have been having conflict for months. I guess at the heart of things is money, but honestly, I feel that there is more to it than this. My husband looks at me with disdain lately as though he can’t deal with me at all. And his anger is a serious turn off for me. So it’s like we don’t even identify with one another anymore. It used to be that it took quite a lot for us to even raise our voices or to get annoyed. But this just isn’t true anymore. Sometimes when my husband looks at me, I don’t see the love any more. I told my coworker about this and she says that I am overreacting. She says that you can not expect for your marriage to never experience conflict and that all couples fight. But my husband and I have never fought like this before. And it’s becoming more and more frequent. I worry that things are just going to keep getting worse and I’m starting to suspect that my husband doesn’t love me in the way that he used to. And that is a very big reason that people get separated or divorced. Am I way out of line here?  I’m freaked out that my husband would want to sleep somewhere else other than with me.”

I definitely do not think that you are out of line. But I am biased. It was fights like the one that you are describing that lead up to my husband believing that we were no longer in love or compatible and we eventually separated and almost divorced. So yes, fights and a loss of intimacy or empathy can definitely be the first steps on the path to your marriage being in trouble. I don’t think that you can ever worry too much about your marriage – as long as that worry is causing you to be proactive and to attempt to make positive changes.  If that is the worst that happens when you overreact, well, that’s a positive and a happy ending anyway.

Sure, everyone fights. But the way that you fight can be extremely telling. I once had a therapist who told me that she could tell which couples in pre-martial counseling would end divorced just by observing the way that they fought. Couples who fought fair and who tried to come up with a compromise or a resolution by the end of the fight (even when they were VERY angry at the time) were much more likely to stay together than couples who had fights that ended with someone either always storming out or with the couple personally insulting one another and tearing each other down. This counselor said that it was fine to be furious at the problem but you did not want to get into the habit of directing your fury at your spouse personally. She said couples whose fights became personal or that escalated to someone walking out all of the time were more likely to get divorced because they didn’t show the skills to move toward a solution.

That’s not to say that this is going to happen to you or your marriage. But I bring it up to illustrate the point that I don’t think that you are necessarily overreacting. When things calm down, you might sit your husband down and tell him that you are very concerned with the way that things are going between you. Stress that you were upset and very worried when he left and that it’s important that you improve your ability to communicate and compromise so that this trend doesn’t escalate. Tell him that you miss the easy rapport that you used to have (when you could work out things much more easily.) See how he responds. He may be relieved and he may be as worried as you are.  Once the air is cleared, perhaps you will both make more of an effort. It’s very important to try to reestablish the connection and the intimacy because as you’ve already seen, once it is gone, the fights tend to escalate a lot more easily. When you are strongly connected with your spouse, it is much easier to move past issues that would cause a big fight with less close couples. It just makes many things in your marriage much easier and much more satisfying.

If you can’t get to this place, counseling can help you to make your disagreements more productive and your marriage more intimate. If your spouse opposes counseling, you could try self-help first. But I think that it is important to do something and to not just wait for improvement that may never come. That is what I did and it was disastrous. If we had addressed the issues BEFORE our separation, it would have saved so much heartache and time. But the good news is that often, if you turn your attention, care, and time to these issues, you can stop them before they become an even bigger problem. As I know from experience, it is easier to prevent a separation than to save your marriage once one has occurred.  (You can read about my separation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

So if the fight blows over, great.  But take this as an opportunity to shore up your marriage so that this doesn’t happen again.

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who are worried about their spouse’s lack of transparency during their trial separation. Often, they were really hoping to get some insights into how their spouse might be feeling and whether these same feelings are good or bad for the future of their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I separated about eight and a half weeks ago. When he came to me and told me that he wanted to separate, he represented it as something that wasn’t that big of a deal. He made it sound like he just wanted some time to sort out himself in mid life and he indicated that he would be in close contact the whole time. He even made it sound somewhat romantic, like we could date one another once again. So I assumed that he was going to be up front and open with me the whole time. This isn’t what has happened. At first, we saw each other regularly, but that too has tapered off. We only see each other sporadically and when we do, we talk about everything but our marriage. I am very open and honest about the fact that I miss my husband. I am more than willing to talk about my feelings. But he doesn’t share this sentiment. He seems to want to keep everything very private. I will ask him what he is feeling or thinking and he says that he really doesn’t have anything to share right now. I’m afraid that this is a very bad sign. If he won’t share what he is thinking and feeling, how are we going to save our marriage? If he is reluctant to talk about his feelings, does this mean that our marriage is over?” I will try to address this concern in the following article.

Why I Don’t Think That A Separated Husband’s Reluctance To Discuss His Feelings Means That Your Marriage Is Over: In a perfect world, both spouses would be equally willing to share their feelings and to do whatever was necessary to make quick progress so that they could end the separation and save their marriage. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case in real life.  unfortunately, most people do not feel the same things or have the same thoughts or wishes at the same time. So as frustrating as it is, you may be working on a different schedule or time line. You may be ahead of him in some realizations and you may have easier access to your feelings or be more open about them. This is very common. Men tend to be more closed off with their feelings and are therefore less likely to discuss them.

He May Have Valid Reasons For Not Being Very Open Right Now: There are several legitimate reasons that he may not be sharing his feelings right now. It is possible that he is feeling very conflicted and he has not yet had time to sort this out. He may not have anything definitive to share with you. Or, he may be feeling things that might be confusing to him or troubling to you but he knows that his feelings might change so he doesn’t want to be premature and upset you if it’s unnecessary.

Another possibility is that he may not have a decent handle on his feelings. It’s very normal to feel conflicting feelings, especially in the beginning. This can make you feel confused and give you the sense that you don’t know what you’re feeling. So, instead of sharing this confusion or bringing someone else into the mix, sometimes your husband thinks that it’s better to just wait until he has something meaningful and definite to share. Besides, he usually knows that you are going to analyze everything that he tells you and he may not want for you to read too much into feelings that just aren’t clear.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Put All Feelings Aside, At Least Initially: I know that it is probably your initial inclination to think that the focus should be on both of your feelings right now. After all, you figure, if you both love one another and want the marriage enough, then things should automatically fall into place. But sometimes, when you are separated, the feelings are not as important as the actions. But sometimes when you are separated, this thinking is backward. Sometimes, you have to put aside the emotions and focus on the results. Because the truth is, this is a volatile time when your emotions might be all over the place. You may feel differently when the situation isn’t quite so painful or when cooler heads prevail. So it can help to just set everything aside except for where you want to go from here.

The wife wanted to save her marriage. That was her primary goal. Yes, it would have been wonderful if her husband had cooperated and was open about whatever he was feeling. But that wasn’t the reality. And assuming the worst or pressuring him to spill his feelings when he’s shown reluctance isn’t really in alignment with this goal.

I know that you want him to tell you that he’s feeling very favorable feelings. You want and need this reassurance and I don’t blame you because I know how this feels. But if he’s not willing or ready to share, it’s my experience that it is best not to press. He will probably share his feelings in his own time. And believe it or not, this isn’t necessary to your saving your marriage. You can continue to try to make small improvements as the situation allows. The two of you don’t need to share your deepest, darkest feelings in order to start interacting more positively. And sometimes, you have to settle for the small victories. So to answer the question posed, I don’t think a separated husband’s reluctance to share his feelings means that your marriage is over.

My husband didn’t share much with me early on in our separation and of course this upset me. But our marriage certainly wasn’t over, although it felt that way sometimes. I’m glad I didn’t stop trying to improve things when my husband wasn’t really cooperating in the way that I wanted him to.  Sometimes, you just have to keep going so that you don’t give up hope.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from women who intuitively know that they shouldn’t pressure their husband when they are going through a marital separation. Typically, the husband already knows that the wife hasn’t embraced the separation and would like for him to come home as soon as possible. The wife knows that there is no need to keep repeating this. But, she can’t help the fact that she misses him, wants to reach out to him, and wants to do something to speed the process along.

Common comments are something like this one: “my husband and I have been separated for several months. As far as separations go, I suppose ours is a decent one. What I mean by that is that we are getting along just fine. We get together regularly for our children. Sometimes, we go out for dinner and we end up laughing in exactly the same way that we used to. Sometimes, it would be completely normal and within my habit to just reach out and hug or kiss my husband at times like this. But something in the way that he is looking at me within that moment tells me that this might be the wrong call. I am so scared of stepping over any boundaries and of making him feel pressured. So I don’t reach out to him. But at the same time, I miss a physical relationship with him. It has been too long since we have reached out to one another. It leaves me feeling very conflicted. Because on the one hand, I know that it is my best interest not to pressure him or to continue to ask him where he is in this process. But at the same time, having to hold back from him is so extremely difficult for me. I am trying to be patient, but it’s hard. He seems to be moving at a slower pace than many other husbands in this situation. And part of me just wants to reach out to see how he will react but I know that this would be a mistake. What can I do? How do I have more patience?”

I can identify with this. I became so impatient during my own separation that I left town for a while just so I would have not keep questioning my husband. However, in my situation my husband had made it very clear that he was going to react negatively to any pressure. So it was pretty obvious that I didn’t have many options other than to respect this.

Since I didn’t know this husband’s personality, it was difficult for me to speculate as to what may be the best plan. Some men can tolerate or even react favorably to a tiny bit of gentle nudging and others will begin to pull away at the first hint of the same. That’s why it’s so important to keep a close eye on any reactions that your husband may have or any indications that he might give you. I will discuss this more below.

Know That You Probably Aren’t Going To Execute Any Strategy Perfectly. But You Should Always Try To Respond To Any Clues Or Hints That He Is Giving You: Wives often beat themselves up by thinking that they are doing too much or not doing enough. Many wives in this situation will sort of scold themselves when they overstep or they worry that they have made a mistake so grave that they have lost their husband for good.

On the flip side, many will worry that they are not being aggressive enough. Please know that you have to give yourself a break. You probably aren’t going to execute any strategy perfectly. I certainly didn’t. Emotions are high and you can only do the best that you can and try to fix things when you need to.

If your husband’s behavior indicates that you’ve gone too far, then back up and recoup as best as you can. You may have to have some patience as you try to gain ground once again. Likewise, if you reach out a little bit and aren’t rejected, wait for a little while and try very some additional small gestures and watch very closely for any positive reaction. If you get a positive reaction this means that, after some time, it’s probably safe to try again. But if you get a negative reaction, try not to make the mistake or just coming on more strongly or pushing even harder. If you do this, you run the risk of him becoming more guarded and lessening his access to you.

How This Looks In Real Life: I understand that it is very hard to sit across a dinner table and not reach for your husband’s hand when just a few months ago, you probably would have done this without a second thought. Sometimes, you can sort of tell that your husband is feeling the same way and sometimes you second guess yourself. If you find this happening, you can try to feel him out without acting recklessly and regretting later. So in this instance, you might say something like: “before I stopped to think about it, I almost reached out and grabbed your hand.” And then just stop. If he doesn’t say anything to encourage you, then you know that you will have to continue to be patient and you should do everything in your power to make sure that things don’t turn awkward. But sometimes, he will tell you that it’s OK if you hold his hand or he will reach out and grab yours.

If this happens, just accept the gift that has been given in the moment and try to be happy with that little bit of progress for a bit until you try again. I know it’s tempting to want to see how far you can take it, but try to resist this because it honestly is better if you can have a give and take where sometimes he is the one reaching out to you.

I know that it is frustrating when your husband seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. If it becomes too much, you can try little gestures to see how he responds but always try the smallest gesture you can accept because it is better to want more than to apply pressure and risk him pulling away. Because when this happens, you are then in a situation where you have to backtrack and make up ground.

At the same time, some husbands do need and respond to a gentle nudge. That’s why it is so important to carefully watch and read the body language that is giving you hints as to how receptive he may or may not be.

I know that this is hard. But I believe from my own experience that it is better to move gradually and to have success than to push and have to start over. Of course, you likely know your husband’s personality better than anyone and this can also give you some clues as to your best path.

I understand your impatience.  I felt the same way and sometimes I acted on it.  I found through experience that if I moved slowly, I always had more success.  But if I gave into my urge to push, he almost always felt pressured and pulled away.  I had to train myself to move slower than I wanted.  But it was worth it in the end.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be very hurtful and frustrating when your spouse constantly complains about a certain level of unhappiness despite improvements that you’ve tried to make.  You might think that you’ve addressed his concerns, only to turn around and find that he is sullen and unhappy again.  It can begin to feel like there’s really nothing that you can do to brighten things.  Which is when you start to wonder if it’s not you or your marriage that is the issue – but him.

A wife might say, “it’s probably been about eighteen months since my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is all of the time.  At first, I thought that maybe he was just going through a rough time and blowing off steam, but he never stopped complaining.  So, I really tried to make our home life less stressful. I tried to be cheerful and upbeat.  But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do.  It’s like he’s a broken record with his unhappiness.  And recently, I’ve noticed that it isn’t just me or our marriage – it’s everything.  If we go to a restaurant, he finds fault with the food.  He talks behind his coworkers’ backs, which he never used to do before.  He acts like his favorite sports team loses on purpose just to make him angry.  It’s like he’s just sour about everything.  I’m starting to think that he is just a miserable person and I don’t know how to deal with him anymore.”

Why This “Unhappiness” Is A Common, But Worrisome Symptom: I understand your frustration.  When my husband and I were separated, he went through something similar.  It was like he found fault with every aspect of his life.  We spent a short amount of time in counseling and the counselor told him that he had to find a source of happiness within himself rather than expecting it to come from other people, external sources, or his marriage.  She told him that a marriage can’t “make” you happy.  But it can add or enhance happiness.  At the time, he did not want to hear this.  But now that time has passed and he has some additional perspective, he can see that she was right.  At the same time, I am not sure what I could have said or done to shake him out of this.  It was something that he had to realize, tackle, and navigate on his own.  I could only provide support, which I tried very hard to do. (Still, we ended up separated before he came to his senses.  And I had to try many strategies before this could happen.)

His Unhappiness Is Likely Bigger Than Your Marriage: I tell you this to validate your suspicions.  When someone finds fault with literally everything, then they are struggling with more things that your marriage.  Sometimes, there are very valid and unavoidable reasons for this. For example, my mom recently went through a health crisis, and her personality completely changed. She went from being patient and relatively content to someone who was constantly angry, bitter, and critical.  I now realize that most of her behavior was due to the fact that she was in physical pain (from which she got no relief.)  But many people can have the same reaction when they are stuck in emotional pain. My step-father (her husband) was not at his best during this time, either.

So how can you help your husband if he’s in emotional pain?  I’m not sure if he would go to counseling, but that is usually the most effective option.  If he is resistant, you could tell him that you are going for your marriage and then you could mention the issue to the counselor, who would hopefully help you to effectively address it.  This might also help you both to get to the real source of the unhappiness.

Understanding Strategic Validation.  If your husband is resistant to counseling, you could try some things on your own. I found that strategic validation can work wonders.  I am not a mental health professional, so all I could really offer to my husband was to listen and to support, which did help some. But the most important thing I learned that it was not helpful to debate with him.  It always backfired on me when I tried to point out that his perceptions were harsh or negative. That just made things worse because he would get defensive.  I learned to not make judgments and to tell myself that he was just looking for someone to listen to and validate him. Whenever I could CONVINCINGLY validate him, it helped.  For example, if he was complaining about an outing on the weekend, I’d try something like, “I can see where it would be frustrating to only get a short weekend considering how many hours you put in. I can see how it would stink to have something disappoint you during the only time you get off of work. Why don’t we go home and have a nice dinner and move on?”

Getting Vital Information About The Source To Avoid Vague Complaints: That said, if he’s truly being cruel and disrespectful, then you can certainly say something about it.  You don’t have to constantly be the source of his criticism.  Sometimes, if you try really hard to have an empathetic conversation, you will get more important information.  You might try, “honey, I hear you. And I’ve been hearing this for a while, which is why I feel like I’m not effectively addressing the problem.  Can you share with me the biggest source of your unhappiness?  What can I do to make things better?  What actions could I specifically take to increase your happiness levels?  If I better understand the issues, then I can better address them.”

By asking for very specific details, you’re trying to limit his ability to just vaguely complain.  Because that gets you nowhere and frustrates everyone.  At least if you can get him to be very, very specific in his complaints and in his unhappiness, you can try to effectively address it.  But at the end of the day, it is his unhappiness. And sometimes, the real changes need to come from the person who is unhappy.  Unfortunately, they can sometimes take a while to see this clearly. Until then, your best bet is to try to find professional or self-help and to be their unconditional support system.  Because usually, if they become happier within themselves, they magically become happier within the marriage.

As I alluded to before, one of the reasons that my husband and I separated was because of his unhappiness.  We both worked on ourselves and on our marriage, but his lack of happiness was also a product of himself, which he had to address.  Once he did, this changed many things.  We did eventually reconcile and are still married today. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have been trying all sorts of tactics in order to get their husband to be committed to and interested in their marriage once again. They might threaten to leave. They might try to become more independent so that their attention is not focused solely on their husband. They may threaten a separation or a divorce in the hopes that this will motivate him to actually do something. But when these efforts fail, the wife is left wondering what, if anything, might actually work. Or, if perhaps nothing will, especially when their husband is claiming to not care what they do.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past year or so, my husband has been very distant and cold. I can’t quite put my finger on why he is so unhappy. It started at work. But then the work situation eventually resolved itself and he continued to be unhappy regardless. He started becoming more and more selfish with his time and with his affection. He doesn’t always come home right after work and has started spending more and more time at the gym. I’d suspect him of an affair, but he doesn’t seem interested in anyone or anything, so it’s hard for me to believe that he could actually make the time and effort for another woman. Last week, he forgot our anniversary and when I confronted him about it, he acted as if I was completely overreacting. It didn’t seem to faze him that I was angry. I seethed about this for a while and then I decided that I was going to tell him that if he didn’t begin to show me the slightest amount of respect and put a little time and effort in our marriage, then I was going to leave him. His response to me was: ‘I don’t care what you do. If you really need to leave, go ahead.’ This made me stop in my tracks. Because now, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t really want to leave. I wanted him to act right. And now I’m in a situation where I either have to make good on my threat or I have to just accept him treating me this way. What now?”

Determine The Source Of His Unhappiness If You Can: I’m not sure that you have to just accept him treating you this way, although it’s possible that this is his hope and his strategy. There are several reasons that he might be acting this way. First, he could be trying to posture in order to get you to accept less. In short, he may actually be quite concerned about your leaving but he doesn’t want to show you this because doing so would mean that he would actually have to make a change. So, in order to avoid this, he may try to get you to back off a little bit. To put it plainly, he’s calling your bluff.

Why I Think Leaving Should Be A Last Resort And A Very Honest Conversation Should Come First: Second, he may feel that, for whatever reason, he’s not as invested in the marriage so he may genuinely think that he doesn’t care which route you take, and this might only change once he actually sees how it feels to be forced to live his life without you. Of course, most people see that as a very last resort and I agree. There is always a risk when one spouse leaves the home. I believe that it makes sense to try other things before you do something that is so drastic.

I’d suggest at least attempting to clear the air before you have to revisit leaving. You might try something like: “it was a mistake for me to threaten you in the way that I did and I apologize for that. It wasn’t fair of me to threaten you with leaving. I take our marriage very seriously and giving you an ultimatum wasn’t the right way to handle it. I am hoping that my handling this in the wrong way is at least one reason why you said that you don’t care what I do. Because I hope that it’s not true. It hurt me to hear it. And it will hurt me even more if it turns into our reality. It’s obvious to me that you haven’t been completely invested in our marriage for the last year. It seems as if something is bothering you, but I haven’t quite been able to get to the bottom of what it is. I can’t help you, and I can’t make adjustments, if you don’t share with me what is wrong. I can tell that you aren’t happy. And it doesn’t make me happy to see you unfulfilled. We both deserve happiness, so I’m asking you to work with me to uncover the source of what is truly off with us. If you can share with me what’s wrong, I’d like to work with you on making it right – without any threats or ultimatums. Just two adults working together to make things better. Can we do that?”

I can’t guarantee that he is going to immediately open up. But I can tell you that it’s my experience that you’re going to get more cooperation from him if you approach him from a place of wanting to help him instead of from a place of wanting to threaten him. It’s possible that he didn’t mean what he said about not caring and that he was only responding negatively because of your threat. Now, it’s time to test that theory by trying to communicate openly.

I honestly think that my marital problems escalated to a separation because I didn’t try to talk before things got so blown out of proportion.   I knew that warning signs were there, but I didn’t want to face the conflict.  I did save my marriage, but it was a very difficult time and I firmly believe that if I had done more maintenance, the separation might have never happened.  Never ignore warning signs and never pass up the chance for maintenance. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very upset during their marital separation because their worst fear is literally coming true. Although their husband may have reassured them that they would stay in constant contact, once the separation begins, he can go silent. Many of the wives intuitively realize the inherent danger in this. If you can’t talk (because he won’t) how in the world are you supposed to save your marriage?

Someone might say, “I was very, very reluctant to separate with my husband. I would not have agreed had he not insisted on it so strongly that he almost insinuated that he would divorce me if I hadn’t agreed to it. When I finally did concede, one of my biggest concerns was that we wouldn’t communicate enough. He assured me that we would talk frequently and insinuated that our communication might even improve. I counted on that, but it is not coming to pass. I have only talked to my husband a handful of times. I have not seen him at all. And the conversations are short and a little tense. I admit that I am letting my displeasure be known. I had assumed that my husband would do what he said – call often. He hasn’t. And when I call him, he gets off the phone as soon as possible. I have thought about swinging by his place to see him, but I hesitate. Part of me is afraid that he’s discouraging the face-to-face contact because he is seeing someone else. I’m grateful to be communicating by phone, but I need more than this. How can I get him to see me face to face? I want personal contact. However, I am panicked because I worry that if communication totally breaks down, then we are going to be in real trouble. I am very much against a divorce. It is the last thing that I want. But it is starting to dawn on me that it might be what HE wants. How do I force him to communicate with me so that I don’t end up divorced?”

I can hear the panic in this. First of all, take a deep breath. I know how immediate that this feels because I have been exactly where you are. And I made the mistakes that I want for you to avoid. Like you, I wanted to “force” or “make” my husband communicate with me. When he wouldn’t easily agree to this, I called him even more. I tried to pressure, guilt, or threaten him to communicate with me. And do you know what he did? He started to completely avoid me and ignore me.

That meant that I created a much bigger problem for myself and that it took me MUCH more time and effort to even get to the place where I could think about reconciliation. I completely understand the feeling of panic that you are experiencing. But please know that if you push too hard, you can actually do more harm than good.

Try Building Upon What You Already Have First: I know that this may not be what you want to hear, but it’s my opinion and experience that you are often better off gradually building upon what you already have. What I mean by this is that the best idea, at least in my opinion, is to continue on with the phone conversations with enough enthusiasm that they become more and more frequent and more and more pleasurable for both of you. Because if you can set it up to where you’re both laughing and looking forward to your phone conversations, then the next logical step would be to meet. And in this way, you haven’t applied any pressure. You haven’t laid on any guilt. And your husband has very willingly and very naturally moved forward.

This is so much better than just showing up at his apartment one day and being rejected or risking him pulling back from you. It’s best if he is a willing participant in every bit of the process. You don’t want to force anything on him and face rejection.

The “Coincidental” Meeting Strategy: Another option would be to run into him at a time where you know where he is going to be and to make it look like a coincidence. However, because this strategy runs a high risk of not actually being believable, I believe that it should be a last resort. I believe it’s best to try to build on the phone conversations in a very natural way before you resort to the “accidental meeting” strategy. Many husbands will see right through this. They will doubt that you just happened to be at the same place at the same time.  So, if you are going to use this strategy, make sure it is very convincing.

Why LESS Communication Can Eventually Lead To MORE Communication: I can tell you what finally worked for me to get my husband communicating again, although it can feel wrong or foreign when you first attempt it. What finally worked for me was doing exactly what I did not want to do. When I wanted to push and make demands, I backed away instead. I gave him the space that he wanted. I told him that I was going to visit family and spend time with friends and I did exactly that, even though I didn’t even really want to. However, I knew that if I continued to go forward in the same way, I was going to reach the point of no return with him.

Ultimately, my backing away is what changed things. He began to reach out to me.  I learned that it’s best to let him come to you if it is at all possible. I know that it seems like you have been apart for a long time, but give it a little more time. You want to give him the time to miss you and to start thinking favorably of you when his memories surface. He can’t do this if you are butting heads over communication. I know it’s tempting to argue and to tell him that he made you a promise that he isn’t keeping, but that would likely just make things worse.

Give him time and then when he does reach out to you, make it as stress-free and pleasurable as you possibly can. That way, he will want to continue and you won’t have to pressure him as much. I do understand how you feel and I know how tempting it is to just keep calling. But in my experience, that only digs a deeper hole.

It took every bit of willpower that I had to stop calling and reaching out to my husband, but I knew in my heart that I needed to give him time and let him come to me. It got to a point where I had no other choice.  Eventually, this worked.  I truly believe that if I had continued to push, I might have ended up divorced.  You can read more about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By:  Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are looking for tips or advice on how to set up a martial or trial separation. Many just don’t know what to expect. And, they want to make sure that they are doing things as close to right as possible so that they are going to have the best chance to save their marriage. They are afraid of over stepping the boundaries and of not reaching out enough. They worry that they will try too hard or not hard enough. And these things can feel very uncomfortable because navigating a separation is difficult enough without worrying about the etiquette involved.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband is moving in with his cousin for a little while because he wants to try a trial separation. His cousin lives an hour and a half away. I’m wondering how often you are supposed to see your spouse while you are separated? How often are you supposed to call? Are you supposed to go out on dates? Or do you leave your spouse alone? Forgive me if I sound stupid, but I have no idea what is the proper separation etiquette.  I want to see him as much as possible but I don’t want to push too hard.”

The thing is, there really isn’t separation etiquette or a rule book that talks about the right way or a wrong way to handle your separation. Rather, it’s usually about finding that happy medium where both people are comfortable and as receptive as possible to saving the marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Don’t Worry About Right Or Wrong. Worry About What Works Best For Both Of You: Some couples will be apart for a very short time and realize that they miss each other very much and want to spend more time together right away. You may hear people advise you to play hard to get or to not be too anxious too soon. This sort of advice has its place. But I don’t see anything wrong with regularly seeing your spouse if you both clearly want to see one another, things are going well, and you enjoy each other’s company. With that said, there’s a risk of getting so caught up in the missing your spouse part that you aren’t addressing what lead up to the separation in the first place.

Sometimes, you find that one spouse wants a lot of contact and the other isn’t sure how comfortable he or she is with this and wants some alone time, especially at first. This is OK and it’s best to not push too hard when your spouse wants space. Give them some time to miss you rather than allowing them to think that you are bugging them so much that even when separated, they aren’t getting the time that they asked for.

There’s A Balance Between Too Much Togetherness And Not Enough: As I just alluded to, some people ask me if they should play hard to get. Many people fear rejection, so they wonder if maybe they should make their spouse come to them. Many ask me if they should ignore their spouse or pretend that they are doing other things. Generally, I think it can be fine to give the impression that you are coping or busy, but you don’t want to take this too far and imply that you don’t have time for your spouse when you actually do.

At the same time, if you are noticing any resistance from your spouse when you call, want to get together, or reach out to them, then pay attention to those cues and perhaps see if they will contact you the next time. There is a very delicate balance between not being too available and not being available enough. One of the real goals of a separation is to see if the space and time makes you miss one another, intensifies your feelings, and makes your wishes more clear. Allow this process to run it’s course. If you don’t give your spouse the time to experience these things, you might both just end up frustrated and thinking that the separation was a failure when that doesn’t need to be the case.

So, How Often Should You See Your Spouse During The Separation?: There is no one answer for every couple. It’s best to ask your spouse their feelings on this topic before they actually leave. It’s usually easier to make your expectations clear ahead of time, before any awkwardness or misunderstandings kick in.

However, if you haven’t set up an understanding ahead of time, then you will have to feel your way. I think it is important to talk (and preferably meet) somewhat regularly. This doesn’t need to be every day, but every week or so can be good. You don’t want to let so much time go by that things are awkward between you. And, if you are getting some resistance than wait until things improve and busy yourself with other things until the next time. Often, this will generate some interest from your spouse. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you are always the aggressor, but make it clear that you are still invested in your marriage and can and will make the time.

At the end of the day, how often you see your spouse depends on both of your wishes. He may want less and you may want more, and that is why compromises exist. Try to move slowly and build upon each successful interaction. You don’t want to appear over eager but you don’t want to let too much time pass between those interactions.

I sometimes tell couples that they will usually know when the pace is right because both people are comfortable and anxious to see the other the next time. When you find your spouse avoiding you or making excuses, then it might be time to reevaluate. But if your spouse is receptive to your request for getting together and you are both comfortable and happy, then there is no need to play games.

So to me the answer to the question, I think it’s OK to see your spouse as often as you are both comfortable with.  But, if there is some resistance, it’s best to back off until things begin to improve.

When my husband and I were separated, I wanted to see him much more than he wanted to see me.  Of course, I pushed too hard and this only made things worse.  It wasn’t until I backed off that I began to gain some ground.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are getting some hurtful feedback from those who are meant to be “supporting” them during their marital separation. Sometimes, this so-called support comes from friends or family members. It can even come from the “support group” that you specifically joined in order to feel uplifted during your separation, which can be incredibly disappointing.

Someone might say, “I did not really want to burden my family, friends, or coworkers with details about my separation. They know that I am separated, but I just don’t want to hear people’s personal opinions about my husband or my marriage. I am hoping to reconcile and so I don’t want to influence their opinions about my husband or about our relationship. However, I wanted a place to talk things through and to feel supported so I joined a support group for people going through a separation / divorce. The first week felt pretty good, but maybe that is because everyone was on their best behavior.  I have to admit that the last few weeks, it really hasn’t gone well. I want to reconcile with my husband. I was looking for people who could identify with what I was going through to keep my spirits up while I was waiting to see what happened with my marriage. However, many of these people are getting ready to divorce and are quite bitter and angry. If I try to relay good news that happened between my husband and myself during the week, I sometimes get sarcastic comments. Someone might say ‘well, just wait. He’s just trying to be nice to you so that you’ll accept the divorce later.’  These type of comments are obviously not what I want to hear. I don’t mind expressing my fears, but I want people to try to talk me down or to help me look on the bright side. I don’t want people to tell me that the worst case scenario is going to happen or that all separations end in divorce. This is why I didn’t tell some friends and family, but now I am getting this with the support group. And yet, I know that I need support, so I am not sure what to do.”

The Fallicy Of Sharing Separation Details: I can really identify with what you are saying. I told some people about my own separation and I really came to regret it. Some of my friends became really angry with my husband and never really got over it – even after we reconciled.  By then, I’d long forgiven my husband, and I just wanted to move on. But some wouldn’t let it go. The thing is, with some people, if you tell them your most personal issues, then you’d better be ready to talk about those same issues every single time you’re together because they want to keep bringing it up and picking the scab. That is why you have to be really careful about who you confide in. Some people will project their own experiences and fears onto your experience and obviously, this doesn’t help you. Just because there are people in the support group who may be headed for divorce, this does not mean that you will be. At some point, I just had to tell people who weren’t supportive that I valued their friendship, but that I needed to talk about something else. Then I sought support elsewhere.

The Important Of An Objective Confidant: If you have not tried counseling, that is probably the very best option for support. They are trained professionals whose only job is to help you. They don’t know you outside of this and therefore are not going to let other things bleed into the reason for your being there. That is really the ideal scenario, but if you are resistant to counseling, then you have to pick your “trusted support person” carefully.  If you truly feel that the support group isn’t going to improve, then you want to make sure that if you decide to end this support system, then you have already replaced it with a new and better one. Honestly, my ideal support person was not who I thought that it would be. It was someone from work who I did not know very well and perhaps that helped. She didn’t have all of the history with me that some of my other friends did. And she had separated and reconciled previously so she understood my thought process. Our interactions always left me feeling better, and not worse.

I often journaled my feelings on weekends because I knew that I needed to get them out and didn’t have access to my best support person. I came to decide that I’d rather journal to release my feelings than to have unsupportive people make me feel worse.

Knowing How To Bow Out When Talk Turns Destructive: It’s important to remember that you can control who you allow to influence you. It’s possible to politely retreat when people aren’t understanding or supportive. It can be really important to surround yourself with positivity because it’s easy to get discouraged. And it’s very important to remember that people’s unsupportive reactions usually have more to do with their situation than with yours. They are projecting their own life and their own problems onto you, which just isn’t fair. If the support group isn’t providing the support that you need and is just making you feel worse, there’s nothing wrong with politely seeking support elsewhere. Because support is very important, but it can be tricky and difficult to find the right, objective person or group of people. At the same time, you don’t want to alienate family and friends, which is why it’s fine to just change the subject and ask to discuss something else.

Now that my husband and I are reconciled, I’m actually glad that I didn’t air my dirty laundry in front of everyone.  I want for my friends and family to accept my husband.  And sometimes, when they know the intimate details of your life, it is hard for them to be objective.  There’s more about this story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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