Leslie Cane Articles

It’s understandable for a separated wife who misses her husband to want regular communication, especially when he’s been reluctant to provide it. One thing that married couples (even separated ones) have regular conversations about is their children. It’s completely normal for a separated wife to initiate conversations about the kids. Sometimes, however, a husband will accuse her of using the kids in an attempt to gain access to him. And now the wife has one additional problem to deal with.

She might say, “I will admit that I often find reasons to get my separated husband to talk to me. I did not anticipate that the separation would go this badly. My husband never returns my calls. He never wants to have a decent conversation. For the past couple of months, my son has had issues at school. So yes, I do call my husband about these issues. If I were in my husband’s shoes, I would definitely want to know about everything that is going on with my son. But yesterday, my husband angrily asked why I was calling him again since we’d just talked about my son the day before. I tried to explain that I was calling because something new happened. I was trying to keep him informed. He didn’t buy my explanation and said that I should switch to weekly calls. Or I should just let my kids tell him about any issues. Then he accused me of using the kids to talk to him. I am hurt by this accusation. It’s always been clear that he wants his space, but I didn’t think that the kids would be off-limits. I get that he doesn’t care about me, but does he not care about his children anymore? Does this mean that I have to be the only person who worries about the kids?”

Understanding The The Potential Reasons Behind His Accusation: I don’t think that you have to take conversations about the kids off the table. I think that you might be more successful if you change your communication style. Many husbands who initiate a separation to gain “space” or “time” become extremely protective of that space. As a result, they will often bristle when you attempt a perfectly legitimate conversation.

When we separated, my husband became so distant that he avoided me when I communicated too much. So I can tell you that sometimes, it’s best to back away a little and let him come to you.

I also think that you can simultaneously back away and communicate about your son by changing the phone calls to texts or emails. Written communication means that your husband can receive the message when it’s convenient and that he doesn’t have to verbally communicate if he doesn’t wish to. The next time you want to communicate about your son, text or email him the details and state that he can call you if he wants to talk about it further. That way, he can’t accuse you of using to your son to communicate with him, because you’ve limited the topic of conversation and allowed him to decide if he wants to follow up.

The Importance Of A Long-Term Plan Toward A More Hopeful Future: I know that it can be very difficult to back away when you are so afraid of losing your husband and your marriage. But pushing does you no good if it causes your husband to avoid you. Plus, you want to encourage a good relationship between your children and their father. You don’t want any miscommunication between the two of you to disrupt their relationship.

It’s scary to let your spouse come to you and to willingly limit your communication for the sake of long-term gains, but sometimes this strategy can be extremely beneficial. I used it with my own husband when I felt that I had no other choice. I knew that I was going to lose him if I continued to push.

I was terrified that if I waited for him to call me, he never would. It took a while, but he eventually began to be the one to continuously initiate the contact and this significantly changed things. I honestly think that this shift allowed us to reconcile.

You absolutely should continue to keep your children’s father informed about their well-being, but I would suggest limiting the written messages to only that – the children. When your husband is ready to talk about topics other than the kids, he will let you know. Pushing him before he’s ready does more harm than good. In my experience, pushing is the worst thing that you can do. It almost cost me my marriage.

As I alluded to, I attempted to communicate way too much during my own separation.  As a result, my husband began to ignore me and I knew that my behavior was only going to further deteriorate the situation.  So I forced myself to back away.  Much to my shock, he began to pursue me.  There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Most people intuitively know that if they are going to reconcile with their separated spouse, they are going to need a lot of open and positive communication in order to make this happen. That is why it can be absolutely devastating when your spouse suddenly decides to cut off all communication and contact. It can feel as if your last hope for reconciling is gone. At least that is how it felt for me.

Here’s a common situation. Someone might say: “From the start, my separation did not go well. I dreaded it the whole time, but my husband insisted upon it. I tried to tell myself that once he had some time to sort things out, maybe our marriage would actually improve over the long term. I didn’t really believe that, but I so badly wanted this to happen. Well, it hasn’t happened.  Not at all. I will admit to being somewhat needy, but my husband has also been distant. This has not been a good combination. He told me that I needed to back off and give him some room. I tried to, but it was very difficult and I guess I pushed too hard. He got so mad at me that he said that he was cutting off contact for a while. He said that I could always contact him about anything relating to our kids, but he drew the line on personal matters between us. I am so upset by this. My ultimate goal was to save my marriage. I don’t think this will be possible if we are not in contact. I know that I my husband doesn’t want me to contact him, but I struggle with this. I will be home by myself and I will start to think that he is out with someone else and then I will want to text him just to reassure myself that this isn’t the case. Sometimes, I am tempted to make up something about the kids just so I can have something to talk to him about, but my friends say that I shouldn’t do this. It is going to be impossible for me to just sit here and not reach out. I don’t know how I am going to manage it and I’m really struggling with the fear that this is going to be the end of my marriage.”

Sometimes A Break, No Matter How Unwelcome, Is Actually Beneficial: I understand how you are feeling. I went through a similar situation during my own separation. As I recall it, my husband didn’t come out and say that I wasn’t to contact him. But it was very much implied because things had gotten so bad that when I tried to contact him, he would just avoid me. He never returned my calls or texts. And so for the most part, communication had stopped. I can identify with what you are saying about almost having to sit on your hands to keep yourself from reaching out. I actually left town (temporarily) to keep myself from continuing to make things worse between us. I knew that if I was in close proximity to him, I would drop by, call, and just continue to make things worse. My family and friends had been urging me to come visit, so I did. This allowed a couple of things to happen: I received the love, compassion, and support that I needed right about then. And I had a diversion to keep me from bothering my husband. I kept myself very busy with loved ones so that I could not relapse.

I did tell my husband where I was going. But I didn’t expect (or get) a response.  Eventually, though, a funny thing happened. My silence allowed the time for things to cool down. The next time my husband and I communicated, he contacted me.  With this little sliver of hope, it was soooo tempting for me to pounce and to go back to my old ways. But I could not deny that this silence / pause or whatever you wanted to call it actually helped my situation. So I continued to allow him to reach out to me and to set the pace (although it was very difficult at times) and that completely changed the tide.

Why do I tell you this? Because I want to offer you encouragement that sometimes the break in communication can actually be helpful. It can be the thing that stops the destructive cycle that was happening. It allows for things to calm down enough so that when you do resume communication, it will be more productive. I know that it can be very challenging to just stop communicating. You have to find a diversion or a way to stay very busy with something else. I know that it’s asking a lot of you. But if I was able to do this, then anyone can. And as difficult as it was, one thing became clear to me: If I continued demanding contact when my husband wasn’t receptive to it, I was very likely going to end up divorced. It was very clear that I had to try something new in order to have any chance at all at saving my marriage. I ultimately didn’t think a small break in communication could damage things any more than they already were. Luckily, I was right. I know that this is very difficult. But at least he is amenable to maintaining contact regarding the children, so he’s not totally cut things off. Every marriage and situation are different, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to just back off for a little while and see what happens. This means that you won’t make a bad situation worse and you can test the waters to see if this improves things or if he will eventually reach out to you. I know that it’s easy to assume the worst and to think that if you take a break, that might be the wrong decision. But sometimes, it is the right one. And it can be only temporary.

I believe that it is helpful to ask yourself if things are going to improve if you continue on as you are?  In my case, they just would have gotten worse.  So I felt no choice in backing off some.  Thankfully, it worked.  You can read about why it worked  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Often, the people I hear from are the spouses who did not want to separate.  They are usually the ones who are a bit blindsided by their spouse moving out. And they’re looking for a strategy to save their marriage.  They weren’t necessarily unhappy, and they want things to return to the way that they were.

Occasionally, though, I hear from the unhappy spouse who wants to separate.  These exchanges teach me quite a bit.  Many people assume that the unhappy spouse just wants out and doesn’t care at all about what he is going to put everyone through.  I find that this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, he is actually incredibly torn. He doesn’t want to cause his spouse one bit of pain.  He’s very worried about his family’s well-being.  But he can’t ignore his own unhappiness.  He often feels like he has to choose between his wife’s happiness and his own.

He might say, “I have been married for four years.  I must admit that I am pretty unhappy right now.  Things have changed in my marriage over the last 18 months.  I feel that my wife and I need a break to have any chance to make our marriage work.  I do not want to end my marriage.  My spouse doesn’t necessarily believe this, but it is true.  I just want to take a break so that we will hopefully come back together with a fresh set of eyes.  But I worry about what separation is going to do to my wife.  Her life revolves around me and our marriage.  We spend most of our time together and honestly, she only spends a minimal amount of time with other people.  I worry that she is going to be incredibly unhappy and lonely when I move out.  I worry that my decision is going to very negatively affect her outlook on life.  At the same time, when I think about pretending that nothing is wrong and just staying, then that makes ME very unhappy.”

I applaud your concern about your spouse.  Not everyone who is initiating a separation considers their spouse’s experience as thoroughly as you are.   Hopefully, this will come through when you discuss things with her.  I’m guessing that she has some suspicions about the way that you feel already, although she may be hoping that this just all goes away on its own (like I did.)  I’d like to suggest something to you and then I’ll offer some tips on how to minimize the impact on her should you move out.

Open Your Mind: Have you ever considered separating but continuing to live under the same roof – at least initially?  I mention this because it might minimize some of the concerns that you have.  You would have to set very clear boundaries and be firm about your need for space.  But I do believe that it’s easier to save your marriage if you live under one roof.  You could try it and see if she will respect the boundaries. If that is not possible, I’ll now discuss some things that I think would have helped me during my own separation.  I DID have trouble adjusting, although I eventually did.

Make Your Sincere Intentions Very Clear To Her:  It’s very important that your wife knows that you truly want to save your marriage. So much of the pain that we experience during the separation is based on fear. We are so afraid that separation is the precursor to divorce.  If you don’t believe that this will be the case, it’s important that you tell your wife. It’s also important that you don’t withhold reassurance if you truly think that it will be possible to save your marriage.  So much of my negative behavior during my own separation was because I was afraid that my husband was looking for a way to exit.  If he had reassured me that this wasn’t the case, things might have been different.

Prioritize Regular Communication:  Many husbands will reassure their wife that they don’t want a divorce and that they just need time. But then they will go almost completely silent on their wife once they move out.  Needless to say, she is going to think that the silence is the first step toward you shutting her out and beginning the process of moving away from her. So it’s very important that you set up a communication schedule and then stick with it – even if things are a bit awkward at first.  This is going to go a long way toward reassuring her that you are still invested.

Be As Open And As Transparent As Possible: Another issue that I repeatedly see (and had myself) is that a husband will sometimes clam up about his experiences and perceptions.  Understandably, your wife is going to want to know what is going on with you and how you are feeling.  You might not always have good answers for her.  You may not know how you feel.  But it’s important that you aren’t evasive.  If you aren’t sure what you feel, it’s okay to say so.  But don’t shut down on her.  Try to remain as positive as you can.  And even if all you are doing is small talk for a while, don’t shut the door on communication.

Encourage Her To Lean On Her Support System: Before my own separation, my life revolved around my husband.  After we separated, I really didn’t want to be around other people.  But this outlook was incredibly lonely, isolating, and depressing.  Luckily, I have some pretty aggressive friends and family members who wouldn’t allow me to isolate myself.  I reconnected with a lot of very good friends that I prioritize to this day.

This reconnection enriched my life and I’m very grateful for it.  Perhaps you could give your wife’s friends and family members a heads up and ask that they support her. (But their support doesn’t mean that you should back away from her.)  Some people forget that separated couples are still married couples.  Separated spouses should still be there for one another – even when their marriage has temporarily changed.

I only offer up the above because I went through a lot of the same issues.  I think it would have helped greatly if my husband had followed at least some of the advice above.  Because he was distant, uncommunicative, and evasive, I felt very insecure and I am not that proud of my behavior, which almost costs me my marriage. Eventually, I got it together and we reconciled.  But a lot of our pain could have been avoided.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Most people have at least some anxiety about unpleasant events that they know are coming but haven’t yet happened.  A martial separation can fall into this category – especially when you didn’t want the separation to begin with.  It’s very easy to fear the worst, (which for many people, is a divorce.)  It’s also easy to assume that you are going to be lonely, depressed, and riddled with endless anxiety and dread.

Someone might say, “I am a worrier anyway.  But with my husband just moving out, I am constantly experiencing anxiety.  My husband insists that this is just a short break, but I find myself playing the ‘what if’ game and asking myself what if I’m divorced? What if I have to grow old alone?  What if my husband meets someone else?  What if this really hurts my children?  When I try to share these worries with my husband, I can tell that he gets frustrated with me.  I’m not sleeping well.  I’ve been short-tempered with my kids.  My anxiety is in overdrive and I know that I need to take hold of it, but I can’t seem to.  How do I handle all of this anxiety?”

To Avoid Endlessly Ruminating Over The Anxiety, Get Proactive And Get Moving: I can relate to this topic.  I had tons of anxiety during my own separation and I, too, am a worrier in my normal, everyday life.  The separation greatly turned up the volume of my anxiety.  Of course, I’m sure you already know that anxiety can just make the situation worse.  As you’ve already seen from your husband, men who want breaks generally do not want to be confronted with how this break has negatively affected others.  That is why I’d recommend finding another source of support to address the anxiety.  I can also tell you some things that eventually helped me.  When I felt the anxiety, I would try very hard to busy myself with other things.  The reason is that if you sit with the anxiety, it just endlessly churns.  You are more likely to continue to ruminate.  And the anxiety can increase in its intensity until it becomes panic.

Getting yourself up and moving can provide a release. I learned to keep myself as busy as I possibly could. I met with friends. I volunteered. I took classes and pursued hobbies.  I did anything to get out of the house so that I would not ruminate about the worst case scenario.  I’d love to tell you that I started this practice on day one of my separation, but this just isn’t true.  It took a while of my wallowing in my own unhappiness and worry until I realized how unhealthy it was for me (and for my marriage.)  So I initially had to force myself to get out more.  But once I did, I saw what a relief it was and I just kept going. I came to the realization that I could only control myself.  I could not see into the future.  I could only try to become the healthiest version of myself so that I could handle and embrace whatever the future held.  If this sounds like I surrendered somewhat, that’s a fair assessment.  But make no mistake. I never stopped wanting my husband and my marriage.  But I took stock of my life and I realized that I was healthy, productive, and still had a lot to give to others.  There was still much to be thankful for (and to embrace) even if my marriage wasn’t where I wanted it to be.  Luckily, nothing said I couldn’t work on my marriage while trying to embrace my new life.  When I couldn’t be busy, I tried to be positive in quiet ways, like reading to better myself or making crafts for others.

Be Willing To Admit When You Need Perspective Or Help: So that is what helped me, but I do need to mention that sometimes anxiety can become debilitating during a separation.  There is a condition called “divorce stress syndrome” which can be pretty severe.  I suspect that this condition is applicable to separations also, since so many of us who go through separations are very afraid of a divorce.  A separation can feel like a huge loss and can be a traumatic event in your life.  Please acknowledge that and ask for help if you need it.  There are counselors  and experts who can support you as you go through this.  Don’t assume that your worry or anxiety are silly.  They are not.  This is a serious life adjustment and it’s normal to feel off kilter and lost. Try surrounding yourself with people who love you and focus on the things that bring you some relief. (For me, that was often being with (and helping) others, even when I felt like being alone.)  If none of this works, then please seek out someone to talk to.   Give yourself permission to do whatever is needed.  If you are working with a counselor on your marriage, that same counselor can usually help with the anxiety.   I suffered a lot in the beginning of my separation, but once I prioritized my own self care and well-being, things got better.  And ironically, things got better with my marriage also.

You are welcome to read about how I finally found my footing and saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It usually doesn’t take much for a person who is separated to worry that their spouse is distancing himself from them. It’s natural to assume that anything that goes wrong or that feels off might mean that a reconciliation just isn’t possible. Here is one such example.

I might hear from a wife who wonders why her separated husband might not allow her to tend to him while he is sick. She might say something like: “my husband and I have only been separated for about three weeks. It happened because he wanted it to happen. No matter what I said or did, he was determined to move out. He said that he wants a separation now, but that this might change at some point in the future. I tried to take some hope in that, but honestly, he hasn’t done much to encourage me once he moved out. In fact, I called him a couple of days ago and I could tell that he was sick. He said that he had a sore throat. I offered to bring him some food. He told me that this wasn’t necessary and said that he just wanted to get some rest. I finally accepted this. But I called him this morning and he sounded absolutely awful. I told him that I wanted to come check on him and cook him some soup and once again he told me that I didn’t need to do this. I told him that it was something that I wanted to do for him because he is my husband and I love him. He told me that he just wanted to be alone and that while he appreciated it that I care, he just doesn’t need me to come over. Why won’t he let me care for him? I’m still his wife and he’s ill. He’s starting to make me think there is someone else over there.”

There are many potential reasons that the husband might be trying to keep his wife at a distance. And certainly not all of them have to do with someone else. Unless he has given you a good reason to suspect this, I don’t think I would allow my mind to immediately go there, because there are a lot of potential reasons that are less disturbing. I am not a man who initiated a separation. In fact, I am just the opposite. I am a wife who has gone through this. But because of my articles, I hear from a lot of men in this situation. And that is why I feel like I have a decent handle on their thought process. So below, I’ll tell you why I think many men pull away when you may want to take care of them.

Once Again, He Is Asserting His Need For Space: Often, when men initiate a separation, they will tell you that they need space and want to be alone. And they often do not want for anything to interrupt this process, especially at first. Even if he would like to see you or have someone take care of him, he will often feel that he needs to stand behind what he has asked for. He may want to set the tone and he worries that if you come over and care for him, then the distinction that he has tried to establish will be compromised and therefore the whole situation will be confusing for both of you.

He May Worry About Sending Mixed Signals: This reasoning uses the same logic as above. He may worry that one thing might lead to another if you come over and start caring for him. And he may worry that, if this were to happen, you would both be confused at the mixed signals. As hard as it might be to believe, many men in this situation are holding back because they are trying to be fair to you. They will tell you that it would actually be easier for them to eat your food and allow you to care for them. But, what happens when he feels better and he sends you back home? Is this fair to you? In his own mind, he may be trying to spare your feelings and to not be taking advantage of this situation.

He May Be Trying To Keep You At A Distance To Protect His Feelings: Many wives in this situation assume that his not allowing them to care for him is a type of rejection. I understand that it hurts. But I do hear from some men who keep their wife at a distance because they are still confused about their feelings for her and they know that seeing her is going to churn every thing up. Often, they feel that it is necessary to move out to take their “space” because this is the only way they see to get an objective read on their feelings. They know that if they see you every day, this can’t happen. And so they feel some reservations or anxiety at allowing you to close that gap.

I know that a lot of this reasoning probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to wives. But this is often the thought process that I see. I did not mention him trying to hide something or there being someone else because I hadn’t heard about any evidence of that. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just noticing that no evidence was brought up. As to how to handle this, I learned from experience not to push. I would simply tell him that the offer stands if he changes his mind and then allow him to take the initiative if things change.

I know that this might feel like you’re just giving up.  But in my opinion and experience, you are picking your battles.  Because if you push and he moves away even further, then you really haven’t accomplished anything.  But if you wait, then he will have no incentive to push you away further. And you might find that he begins to move forward and toward you all on his own.  This is what eventually happened for me, although I did always have a long term plan in place. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who are having an incredibly hard time during their marital separation. Not only do they miss their husband desperately, but they can’t help but notice that he is being incredibly secretive. It is just human nature to want to know what is going on with your spouse when you are apart, but some husbands go out of their way to make sure that you DON’T know. Understandably, this can make some wives very uncomfortable and suspicious.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have only been separated for eight days, but he is already taking a combative and secretive stance with me. When I try to ask him what he did for the evening, he will say something vague like ‘nothing.’ If he is not there when I call, he will offer no explanation for his whereabouts when he calls back. We separated on relatively good terms. He just said that he needed space. I honestly never thought that we may not reconcile eventually, but now I am starting to wonder about that. Last night, I got annoyed with him being so evasive with me so I asked, ‘is there something I should know’ and he just sort of scoffed like he was angry that I would say that. I did not have the courage to press any more since things haven’t been going well. But I can’t shake the feeling that he is hiding something or keeping secrets. Before he moved out, he assured me that he wasn’t going to date other people. I believed him, but now I am not so sure. How can I get him to disclose these secrets that he is keeping?”

I suspect that, if you press your husband, you’ll have a very challenging task ahead of you. Husbands who ask for space initially aren’t usually falling all over themselves to give you a play-by-play of their lives, at least initially. They are too busy evaluating how they like the space. If you push for more information, he may become even more secretive and pull away even more.

I had a similar experience during my own separation and had convinced myself that my husband was seeing other people. I kept bugging and hounding him about this and he eventually stopped taking my calls for a while because he didn’t want to be cross examined every time we talked. Once we reconciled, I found out that he’d been going to the gym by himself. I am not sure why he wanted to keep that from me, but that is where he’d been going. Of course, I had assumed the worst and I caused our situation to deteriorate by allowing my mind to go to dark places.

I would have been better off asking once and then avoiding the topic, knowing that if he actually had something important to tell me, he would have done so without my needing to ask him about it. Or if he was seeing other people, it would have eventually gotten back to me.  I know that it feels like you have a right to know what is going on with him. But husbands in this situation tend to be naturally secretive. In the early days, they aren’t yet sure how things are going. So when you ask them, sometimes they literally don’t have an answer for you. It’s not always that they are trying to hide something. Sometimes, they just do not have the answers yet.

I was talking with a friend about this and she asked whether she was supposed to “not care” if her husband was suddenly socializing like he was a single person. In my view, not caring” is impossible. Of course you care. But, in actuality, you don’t know what he’s doing. And if you demand answers, he’s just going to hold onto the answers more tightly. You can ask him whatever questions you have, but if he clams up, then that’s a cue to come back to that question later. Frankly, if you are able to gain some ground with him so that a comfort and intimacy between you returns, you will often find that he will tell you things naturally. The idea is to try and build a low-key, non-judgmental rapport so that he feels comfortable talking to and confiding in you. Once that happens, you won’t have to nag him until you get answers. He will just feel comfortable telling you.

I can’t promise you that he isn’t keeping secrets. But sometimes, our own fear makes us overly paranoid and we see things that aren’t there. At least that was true with me. Worse, our paranoia can cause us to pressure our husband so much that he backs away even more. Sometimes, you have to pretend that you are less invested than you actually are in order to get some answers. I once had a therapist tell me that the best way to get answers was to simply listen rather than asking. There are often clues that you can pick up on if you are listening instead of grilling. And the person being listened to usually does not even realize that you are doing it. This is so much more effective than making him feel defensive.

Unfortunately, sometimes, in order to not scare him off or cause him to back away, you have to stop hounding him for answers.  Because pushing is a way to ensure that you will not get the answers.  Let him (and the answers) come to you.  At least that is what finally worked for me.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from separated wives who are terrified that their husband has (or is getting ready to) “move on.” The wives are very worried that the husband is beginning to envision his life without her in it. She worries that he is starting to potentially see himself as a single person. This is her worst-case scenario because she is still very invested in her marriage and wants to save it.

A wife might say, “I’m so afraid that my husband has moved on from our marriage. We are not yet divorced. In fact, my husband hasn’t even mentioned a divorce yet. He hasn’t taken all of his clothes from our home. But I can see him slowly and surely distancing himself from our marriage. He vacations with friends. He makes plenty of plans that do not include me. He made an individual investment without even asking me if I wanted to be included. I have no idea if he is seeing other people. If so, he is not doing it openly. At the same time, he never asks if I am seeing anyone else. He does not seem to care. I feel a shift. I suspect that he is starting to move on. And if this is true, I know that a divorce will shortly follow. I have talked to my husband’s sister and my best friend about this and both say that I am being melodramatic. However, even my husband’s sister admits that my husband will not talk to her about what is going on with him, which also concerns me. What are some signs that I should look for to show that he is starting the process of moving on?”

I hate to even address this because I know of many couples who showed all the signs of “moving on” and then they eventually reconciled somewhere down the road. (I include myself in this.) I even know couples who divorced and reconciled. Some had even remarried and most definitely had “moved on,” but later reconciled with their ex-spouse. So sure, there might be signs that he’s started the process of moving forward. But I’m not sure this is always a sure sign that your marriage is over. You might see things like him moving money around so that you have separate accounts. He may begin to divide up your assets and may even begin to shop for an attorney, seek a new, permanent home, and to consider the possibility of divorce. He may start dropping verbal hints that you should plan your future alone. Most people would agree that these types of things are “moving on signs.”

However, I have to tell you that I saw some of these signs too. When we were separated, my husband began to use “I” an awful lot more than he used “we.” He visibly and psychologically distanced himself from me. He avoided me. He went on plenty of outings without me and did not even consider me in his plans. I was pretty sure that he was beginning to move on and that he would continue on with this process until we were divorced. Because of this, I pretty much fled. I deemed it to be a lost cause, so I went to my hometown for an extended stay in order to be surrounded by those who I loved. I figured that this way, I couldn’t continue to bother my husband and being around supportive people might take my mind away from the awful things that were going on with my marriage. The pause was actually beneficial because it changed my perspective somewhat. Unbelievably to me, when I returned, my husband began to initiate contact. Things happened very slowly. Initially, it was just friendly and cordial contact. It was just sort of a “checking in.” I wasn’t my normal clingy self because I still wasn’t hopeful that my husband would come around. There was a long process between that day and the day that we officially reconciled. But my change in perception was the beginning. And I saw plenty of “moving on” signs from my husband. In fact, I had started to accept the fact that I myself might be better off “moving on.” And yet, here we are.

Sure, there are signs in any separation that you don’t want to see. You don’t want to see your spouse separate assets, or date other people, or begin to see an attorney. But even when you see signs that unsettle you, keep in mind that you don’t have to respond or react in any way that you don’t want to. Sometimes, you just have to do what is healthy for you at the time. I never really gave up hope, although I had started to live my life again, since it wasn’t fair to put myself on hold.

I think that it’s best not to panic or to let that panic cause your relationship with your spouse to completely close down because of fear. Try to maintain a decent relationship because regardless of what happens, that’s the best way to go about it. Being cordial makes things easier. And you never know what may happen down the line. I think my husband thought that he was moving on. But it didn’t end up that way at all.  I kept hope in the back of my mind, but knew that I had to continue to try to live my life. You can read the story of how we reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the first signs of a potential future marital separation is a spouse who starts to demand more “space.” Many people are aware of this, so when a spouse asks for space BEFORE moving out or demanding a separation, many people will want to accommodate this, even if they are hurt by the request. But even when they are willing, they aren’t sure how they are supposed to pull this off.

Someone might ask, “My husband is unhappy in our marriage, and he has asked for ‘space.’ He is not going to move out. I am not sure if this is because we really can’t afford for him to move out or if he doesn’t think that things are that dire yet. Anyway, he says that he just needs more time away from me. I’m not sure how it is supposed to work with us still living together. Do we sleep in separate beds or in separate rooms? Do we not eat meals together? Am I not supposed to ask where he’s going or how he is? What about the kids?”

These are all good questions. Unfortunately, there is no “right” answer to any of them. Different couples work out these questions differently. From my own experience during my own separation (where my husband did eventually move out), I strongly suggest coming to an agreement on all of these questions before the “space” is actually supposed to start. This will make things much easier for everyone. I know that it is awkward to have these conversations. But it is honestly easier to just take a deep breath and have a direct discussion instead of having misunderstandings and awkwardness that could have been avoided. Not only that, but these misunderstandings can sometimes lead to a formal separation, and I am pretty sure that this is the last thing that you want.

You can try to keep it casual and make it so that your delivery sounds accommodating instead of demanding. Try to make it sound like you want to understand how he envisions things so that you can try to make sure he’s getting what he needs. You might try something like, “Can we talk about the ‘space’ issue for a minute? I’m not sure how you want for it to work, and I’m asking for clarification. How much ‘space’ are we talking about? Are we supposed to live as if we both live alone? Or do you just want more alone time than you have now? Will we eat meals together? Will we still sleep in the same bed? If not, where are we both going to sleep? Will we still parent the kids as though nothing has changed? Will we tell them? How do you want to handle these things?”

If he tells you to just “wait and see,” then make sure that you follow up and ask specific questions when such situations come up. It’s better to casually ask than to have hurt feelings or to assume something that just isn’t true. It’s human nature to assume the worst, and this can hurt your chances at a reconciliation.

Unless your husband is adamant about telling the kids, I don’t see the need to upset or confuse them. If it’s possible that the “space” will be enough, and you won’t need to separate. That’s why I don’t see the point in causing your children to worry about a separation or divorce, which hopefully will not happen. My philosophy would be that you’ll tell them when there is actually something to tell, but that you won’t worry them until then. They may notice that things are a little different, and if they ask you about this, you might just say that you and your husband are “taking some time to figure things out.”

As good as it can be to define your roles during this “break,” there are often some things that you just have to play by ear. For example, you may get invited to events as a couple, and you’ll have to figure out how to navigate this.  Or, you may want to go and see a new movie, but aren’t sure if you should assume that he’s going with you. All of these things are normal, and I think it’s best to just straight up ask him how he wants to handle these things as they come up.

In terms of the actual “space,” I think it is best if you just try to let him come to you more. Don’t assume that he wants company. Busy yourself with solitary things and then let him come to you when he feels like company. This way, he can’t claim that you didn’t give him what he asked for. I know that it might feel lonely, but it is so much better to try to comply in the hopes that this phase passes.  Giving him liberal space at home is better than making him feel that he has to move out in order to get what he’s asked for.

I can tell you from experience that it can be much harder to save your marriage when you are living under a different roof.  After my husband moved out, things became very difficult, although we eventually reconciled.  (There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are fairly certain that their husband is going to leave them. Some of them just have a strong feeling or suspicion that their husband is unhappy. Others have husbands who have been very honest about the fact that he is considering moving out. Many of the wives do not want to accept this. Some of them concede that the marriage does have problems, but most don’t believe that the problem is serious enough to end the marriage. Most of the wives just want to buckle down, focus on the love that is left in the marriage, and try to salvage their family. The wife usually figures that if the love is there, everything else can be fixed. Sometimes, the husband clues in on this, begins to pull away, and starts to make the wife worry that he no longer loves her in the way that he used to. So, she puts two and two together and starts to believe that if she can just make him “love her more,” then he won’t want to leave any longer.

She might say, “I can tell by the way that my husband acts that he doesn’t love me like he used to. And I know that it’s not just my imagination – because, in the past, he has talked about moving out. First, he was going to do it in the fall, but then Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around, so he didn’t. Then he got really frustrated with me again in March and I am pretty sure that he was looking for another place to live, but his mother got ill, so he had to deal with that. At this point, I just want to make him love me more so that I don’t have to deal with this moving out threat every few months. I can’t keep waiting for issues to come up that are going to discourage him from moving out. How do I increase his love for me so that he won’t want to move out?”

Why You Don’t Want To Let Any Hint Of Manipulation Into This Mix: This situation is so tricky on so many levels. First of all, the second that you try to “make” someone feel or do something, then you introduce elements of both manipulation and desperation into the mix. Those things are never good. If a husband is already feeling somewhat annoyed, knowing that his wife is trying to “make” him do something is not going to elicit loving feelings. It is usually going to encourage him to do just the opposite – he might instead back away and retreat. Worse, he may then limit your access to him, which suddenly makes your job a lot harder.

Take Stock Of What Is Positive: I don’t know you and I know even less about your marriage. But it could be telling that your husband is still in your home. A man who was completely miserable or at the end of his rope would leave and would not let anything stop him – regardless of the holidays or his extended family. If the situation was truly intolerable, he would go first and worry about the timing or the details second. I’m not saying that he’s happy. I’m just saying that the situation may not be dire just yet. You may still have time.

I know that your inclination right now is to panic and to pressure your husband more. These are the last things that you should do. Think about what attracted your husband to you initially. It probably wasn’t a panicked woman who wanted to lay claim on him and to hold him in a tight grasp. No, it was probably a playful woman who listened intently when he talked and who expected the same from him.

Fixing What Is Fixable: One really good way to entice him to love you more is to take away the things that make him love the situation less. What I mean by that is that often, it is the circumstances surrounding the marriage that draws out the feelings within it. You can have a hard time feeling love when you are so stressed that you can’t even spend quality time with your spouse. It can be hard to feel love when you are fighting. The very best thing that you can do is to create an atmosphere that is conducive to loving feelings and then remove what pollutes that atmosphere. If you know that it drives your husband crazy when you are clingy, then stop. Control what you can – and this is normally YOUR behavior, not his.

That was the single most important lesson that I learned during my own separation. I could not “make” him love me. I could not stop him from a divorce. I could not force him to stay home. But I could control myself. I could control how I acted around him. I could control the atmosphere that I created when we were together. All of these were such little things, but when addressed together, they made a world of difference because we reconciled (more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com) I did not completely change myself. My husband already loved me and had proved that by marrying me. I changed the behaviors that were choking out that love. And eventually, he did too. It’s often NOT that he doesn’t love you. It’s that the situation, circumstances, or the atmosphere challenges that love. So your job is to control your part of that atmosphere to make it conducive to bringing the love back.

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Sometimes, no matter how badly you want your husband or your marriage, he makes it very clear that he doesn’t believe that you are going to get either one. Sometimes, no matter how hard you personally fight for your marriage, your spouse or partner isn’t fighting alongside of you. No matter how much we would like to change things, the fact of the matter is that it takes two people to remain in a marriage. Both people have to agree. So when your spouse or partner is telling you that it’s time to move on, it can feel as though you have no other choice but to comply. But the biggest question can be: how do you do it? How do you completely change your mindset, your lifestyle, and your hopes moving forward? It can feel as if you are being asked to give up what you’ve worked so hard for.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have been separated for about seven months. I can not say that I am surprised that my husband is telling me that it is time to move on. He hasn’t given me a lot of hope throughout this process. We have had very short spurts of time where things seemed to be a little better, but this wouldn’t last for very long. As soon as he would move a little closer to me, something always seemed to happen to pull him further away. So last night, I asked him if we were ever going to get back together. He did not flat out say no, but he told me that he thought that it was time for me to think about moving on. He is living with his sister’s family. He helps her care for her kids after school in exchange for somewhere to live. He seems perfectly content with this so far. I am not content. I am very unhappy by myself. All this time, I have been looking at this as something that was temporary. I told myself that if I could just get passed this short timespan, then better days would be ahead once my husband came to his senses. But it appears that he’s not going to come to his senses. And I don’t know how to start living my life without him. I am certainly not going to file for divorce and he hasn’t mentioned it either. But it seems as though I’m now expected to completely change my life. How do I just wake up tomorrow and do this?  How do I wake up tomorrow and live a life that doesn’t include him?”

I don’t think that you have to wake up tomorrow and completely change your lifestyle or your outlook. I was faced with a similar situation. I very much wanted to reconcile in my own marriage, but my husband basically told me that it was a lost cause. I hung on for a very long time, but I started to realize that it was actually detrimental to me to put myself on hold and to not live my life. Still, I wasn’t ready to give up on my marriage, so I didn’t. But what I DID do was I stopped putting myself on hold. In my mind and in my heart, I DID still want to still save my marriage one day. But, I was no longer going to allow myself to just wallow in my sadness.

So I started out by telling myself that I wasn’t going to go straight home from work every day. I started hanging out with coworkers or going out with friends. I volunteered. I took classes. I aimed to keep myself as busy as possible doing constructive things – preferably things that helped other people, or at least myself. I had to force myself at first, but changing my focus and my isolated existence really did help my outlook over time.

I was in contact with my husband during this time, and while I never came out and said “I took your advice and am moving on,” it was probably obvious that I was no longer spending my time waiting for him to call me or to see me. I think that, at least for a while, he doubted my newfound independence or thought that it was all a ruse. But after it lasted for a decent amount of time, he figured out that it was genuine and he actually began to reach out to me.

I never pretended that I wasn’t interested in him or our marriage. He knew full well that I was. I never dated other people or pretended to want to. But I suppose that it became fairly obvious that I’d placed a new priority on myself and on keeping busy. By no means was I happier doing this than being married, but I was happier doing this than lamenting the state of my marriage. It did make the time go by faster and it made me more outgoing and more upbeat. I believe that my husband most definitely noticed this because he became less afraid or reluctant to interact with me. Actually, my “moving on” really helped my marriage, although that was not my intention at the time. My husband and I did eventually reconcile. If I had completely cut off contact with him by “moving on,” this may not have happened. I always made it clear that he was still very important to me, but the shift was that I was suddenly just as important to me as he was. I believe that this eventually made him respect me more. A lot of things happened between that time and our reconciliation, but it was a start. If we had never reconciled, I would have ultimately been okay because I made myself a priority again. To me, this is what “moving on” is all about. You don’t have to give up your marriage if you are just not ready to do that. You don’t have to rush to date again. But if it’s hurting you to remain stagnant and not to focus on yourself, then there is nothing wrong with beginning to do that. It’s healthier, it makes the time go by faster, and sometimes it actually helps your relationship with your spouse – no matter how that relationship evolves in the future.

You can read more about how our reconciliation came about at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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