Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are in a situation where they are literally fighting for their marriage.  This is not an easy task even when you have a spouse who honors the commitment of your marriage.  But not all wives are this lucky.  Some have husbands who just don’t think that the institution of marriage is all that important.  Many see it as an outdated social norm and this poses unique challenges for those wives who are trying to cling to their marriage.

One might say, “my husband wants to separate.  He keeps giving me two or three syllable reasons for this: like he just isn’t happy; he just wants to see how he feels alone; and he thinks that we need to pause things for now.  I have asked him what all this means for our marriage and he says that he doesn’t know.  He says that if our marriage ultimately has to end, then maybe that is for the best.  I get frustrated when he speaks of our marriage as if it is just something that can be thrown away.   Don’t people honor their commitments anymore?  I’ve seen so many friends and co-workers just walk away from their marriage without even giving it a fair chance.  When I make these types of comments to my husband, his response is something like, ‘marriage is a piece of paper.  If you are not happy in it, you can’t be asked to be miserable for the rest of your life.  Marriage doesn’t mean anything without contentment.’  This is very hurtful because I’m not 100% content right now, either.  But I would never want to end my marriage.  I signed on for life.  I agreed to take the good with the bad.  I feel exactly the opposite as my husband because in truth marriage means everything to me.  That’s true even when things are not going well.  But apparently my husband does not feel the same and I’m unsure as to how I can work around that.  How do you get someone to value something that they claim means nothing?”

I know firsthand that this is a difficult situation.  I had a similar experience and  I feel exactly the same way that the wife in this example does:  I believe that, good or bad, marriage is forever because it is a commitment that two willing people entered into, knowing full well that positive and negative times were ahead.  Because of this, when they back away from that commitment, it just isn’t right. I also know that your first inclination is often to try to talk your spouse into changing his view about the meaning of marriage.  This is what I initially attempted and it backfired.  I tried to attack my husband’s integrity and I insinuated that anyone who would turn their back on commitment is lacking in morals and honor.  Needless to stay, my husband did not take this well.

Understanding How Your Husband May Be Viewing This: It took me way too long to understand that, essentially, I was asking my husband to continue to support an institution that he associated with his recent unhappiness.  So, in his mind, what I was saying was something like this, “I don’t care if you are unhappy or not.  I want you to continue on with things just as they are because you made this forever commitment to me.  Therefore, you will suffer in this marriage endlessly.”  Of course, this is not going to sound appealing to anyone.  Understandably, my husband was resistant.

Knowing How To Switch Your Focus:  It finally dawned on me that if I was going to make my husband honor his commitment to our marriage and see that marriage was more than just a piece of paper, I was going to need to make my marriage a new and improved version of itself so that it would be a place where my husband actually wanted to reside.  I couldn’t ask him to make a forever commitment to an institution that had become a disappointment.  So, instead of attacking his character or continuing to beg him to honor his commitment, I tried to set up the circumstances so that he’d actually WANT to be married to me.  This meant taking the focus off the commitment aspect of our marriage and placing it on the improvements that could be made – to both our marriage and to myself.

In order to do this, I had to move at a slower pace and I had to give my husband some of that space he wanted.  This was extremely difficult for me.  It went against everything that I wanted at the time.  But it had become clear to me that I really had no choice.  My previous strategy was only making things worse.  If my marriage stood any chance at all, I had to try something new.  Thankfully, it worked.  We made gradual progress and we eventually reconciled.

I do believe that my husband sees marriage differently today.  I do believe that it means something to him and that he is committed.  But I do not believe that he felt this way during our separation because, in his eyes, our marriage had become something in which he could no longer believe.  So in order to get him to honor that commitment again, I had to give him a new version of our marriage in which he could wholeheartedly believe.  You can read more about how I was able to accomplish this here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives only very reluctantly agree to a marital separation.  Being apart from their husband and their marriage is the last thing that they want.  But very often, their husband has made it very clear that he is not happy and that he needs some time away from the marriage.  The wife has often tried all sorts of strategies to get him to change his mind.  None has been successful.   So, she reluctantly decides that she has no choice but to go along, but she often vows that the separation needs to end as soon as possible.

To that end, she often looks for clues to try to gauge her husband’s thought process.  She wants to know if things are getting better or worse.  She wants to know if her husband is moving closer to wanting to come back home or further away from that idea.  Sometimes, if she has trouble interpreting what she sees, she may directly ask her husband what he is feeling.  It can be very confusing and frustrating when he insists that he really has no idea how he feels or where he is in this process.

A wife might explain, “my husband and I have been separated for about seven weeks.  When he initially asked me for a separation, he made it sound as if living apart would be very temporary and that he would be back home before I knew it.  Unfortunately, this is not what has happened. I am unsure if he was misleading me all along by trying to make the separation seem like it would take a shorter amount of time than it actually has.  But when I try to ask questions to help me figure out when he might come home, I hit a brick wall.  It’s like he’s purposely trying to shut this line of questioning down.  The other day I got frustrated with this, so I straight up asked him where he thought we were in our separation.  He asked me to clarify what I meant.  I explained that I wanted to know if he thought we were in the middle of our separation or toward the end.  I told him that I wanted to know if he was starting to feel like he might come home.  His response to me was that he “didn’t know where we are” right now.  He said that his feelings seem to change all of the time and that he just needs more time.  I tried to press him on why his feelings were changing and what I could do to make things better.  He said that there is really nothing that I can do and that he just needs to sort things out for himself.  This is very frustrating to me.  I almost feel as if he’s being untruthful, but I am not sure that there is anything that I can do about it.  What does it mean when a spouse says he’s not sure where you are in your separation?”

I definitely have some theories about this because I heard similar sentiments during my own separation.  I don’t think that you necessarily have to panic about this.  Sometimes, your husband is being honest.  Men who ask for space or time sometimes need more time than they initially anticipated.  There are various reasons for this (as well as reasons as to why he may not have a good handle on his feelings) which I will discuss below.

Men Who Initially Wanted Space Often Refuse To Be Rushed:  One of the most common reasons that a spouse will try to delay or thwart you when you demand answers about his thought process is that he simply wants the time and space that he’s asked you for.  Yes, he’s getting much more time than he originally represented, but, in his mind, he wants to make sure that any decision that he makes in regards to your marriage is actually the right decision.  Many men who ask for “space” do so because they want to be free from outside factors that might muddy their thought process.  They feel like having you right beside them 24 / 7 might cloud their true feelings or the best course of action.  Deadlines and demands for information can look exactly the same way to them.  Imposing a deadline may make them feel like they don’t have the time to properly evaluate the right path to take.

He Could Be Extremely Truthful Right Now.  He May Not Know Where You Are:  I think that the next likely scenario is that your husband is being completely truthful when he says that he doesn’t yet know where you are.  Often, separated spouses are looking for signs of improvement and change.  It may be that he wants to see your issues being addressed before he makes this evaluation.  It may be that he wants to see his feelings shift or improve.  He may be looking for an easier rapport, communication, or an increased connection or attraction between the two of you.  Whatever it is that he is looking for, it could be that he’s not seeing enough of it yet (or he’s seeing it, but he wants to make sure that it’s sustainable and that lasts.)  Sometimes, it’s not that he absolutely doesn’t want to move back home. It’s that he doesn’t want to move back until he’s absolutely sure that your marriage is recovered and can endure.

Things That You Can Try To Speed Things Along: I hope that this article does not come off as insensitive.  In truth, I’m very sympathetic to this situation as I was in it myself.  I made many mistakes because I was so fearful that my husband was never coming back home.  So I pushed.  I demanded answers.  And all of these things got me was a husband who wanted to be away from me that much more.  It wasn’t until I forced myself (by artificial means) to finally give my husband his space and to work on myself and on the issues that I knew were hurting our marriage that I saw actual improvement.  Unfortunately, this improvement was very gradual.  I often had to settle for much less than I wanted at the time.  But it was worth it because our marriage has endured.  Yes, I had to delay satisfaction and gratification and things felt very lonely at that time.  But today is so much better.  I know that your husband’s being vague is painful. But don’t allow this to become a desperate situation.  It’s not time to panic yet.  Just make the improvements that you can and continue to have patience.  Those things will put you in the best position to ultimately get what you want.

You can read about how I finally figured out the right strategy for a reluctant husband at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are dealing with a husband who is insisting that he needs “space” within the marriage.  Understandably, these wives get tired of always wondering when he is going to actually take action and leave. Often, he’s very vague about all of the specifics. As a result, many wives would like to claim at least some control over the situation. Since they don’t want to live in limbo, they decide to be more proactive, and so they make the decision to move out, at least temporarily. But often, they second guess this decision and they wonder if they made a mistake.

One of them might say, “I’m scared that I’ve made a mistake that might cause a divorce. For the past three months, my husband has been telling me that he wants to separate because he needs some space. At first, I hoped that the whole thing would blow over, but he’s been repeating the same complaints and it’s become obvious that he is not going to give up. He’s been apartment hunting for the past couple of weeks. And these places are so expensive. I firmly believe that he would have eventually moved out no matter what. So I took matters into my own hands and I packed a bag and am staying at my sister’s. This is a very open-ended situation. My sister doesn’t care if I come and go as I please. So theoretically, I could return home at any time. But I am trying to respect his need for space.  However, now that I’ve spent several nights alone and have had time to think about this, I worry that I’ve made a mistake. I feel like now I’m out of his sight so I will be out of his mind. We do talk every couple of days, but he doesn’t seem very excited to hear from me. My sister said that it’s possible that he’s thrilled I left because it only gave him his freedom sooner. Is she right? Did I make a mistake? Should I just go back?”

The Catch 22 An Unhappy Husband Can Put You In: This is a tricky situation, at least initially. If you hang on too tightly and you cling, he can pull away very forcefully and avoid you. This is what happened to me. But if you had just waited, he may have signed a long-term lease. At least with the casual agreement with your sister, you can come back at a moment’s notice if things improve.

Some Suggestions From Someone Else’s Perspective: My husband and I lived apart during our separation and we did eventually reconcile, but I always felt that the reconciliation might have been a little bit easier if we weren’t living apart. However, my fear and loneliness at the time clouded my judgment. I would assume the worst because I couldn’t possibly know what my husband was doing. As a result, I became clingy and this made a bad situation worse, but you can avoid this.  What eventually turned the corner for us was when I FINALLY did give him his space. It was difficult for me to accept, but eventually, I had no choice. If I had to do it again, (and if I was in the same situation as this wife,) I would do a couple of things: I would try to stay in lighthearted, casual, and frequent communication with my spouse. This allows him his space, but it means that you are allowed to keep in touch because he doesn’t need to distance himself from you. Try very hard to keep the communication positive. I know how hard this is, but it’s so important. It will allow you continued access and it will encourage the improvements that might allow you to save your marriage.

If things are going really well, you could regularly come over to the house. This was how our reconciliation started. My husband started eating dinner with me and it became clear that things were steadily improving. Eventually, he stayed on weekends. Although I really wanted him to move back in immediately, I also didn’t want to jinx it, since the separation itself was so painful for me. However, I think that this is a situation where you just have to feel it out. If your husband wants you to come back and you feel that you’ve mostly worked through your issues, then you might feel comfortable going back. But if he’s still demanding his space, then you’d have to perhaps move into another part of the house or just stay at your sister’s, but remain in very close and positive contact until things improved so you could later reconcile.

Mistakes That You Can Avoid No Matter Where You Live: It’s impossible to say if you made a mistake, since no one can see into the future or know what improvements you might be able to make.  Speaking of improvements: this was one that I failed to make and I’d like for you to avoid: Initially, I didn’t let my husband see improvements so he never felt confident about moving closer to me and a reconciliation. My fear controlled me initially so all my husband saw was a woman who was, quite frankly, a clingy mess. The most common mistakes that I see are: pushing too hard; not giving a husband who has asked for space the time that he wants; not maintaining positive communication; and not gradually making improvements so that you move closer together. Believe me, I know that the above mistakes are hard to avoid, but they tend to snowball if you let them.

Strategies That Can Work No Matter Where You Live: Conversely, here are the things that work well and that you can try regardless of your location: positive communication so that things improve between you; very slowly and gradually (as your relationship allows) working on what caused the separation; establishing a playful and flirtatious rapport so that the distance actually makes your husband want you more instead of less; and reestablishing that deep, meaningful connection that makes your spouse feel deeply understood and valued so that he feels safe reconciling. I know that these things are all challenging tasks. You don’t have to do them all at once and they are often so gradual that they may even occur as you are in the process of reconciling. But they work. And you can do them from wherever you are residing. You may just have to get creative.  You’re welcome to read more about how I gradually accomplished these things during my own separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are reluctantly separated and want to save your marriage, you often intuitively know that communication is vitally important.  Saving your marriage means that you are going to eventually need to overcome what drove you apart in the first place and then re-create the intimacy that will allow you both to want to rebuild your lives together.

This all sounds very simple on the surface. However, people who are separated already know that meaningful and intimate communication can be difficult and/or awkward. Sometimes, you may decide to give one another some time before you attempt regular or deep communication, but this can pose challenges when you attempt to pick up where you left off. Other times, you may speak regularly, but the conversation may be disappointingly casual. It may feel as if all you are doing is small talking with your own spouse.  Understandably, many people struggle with this. For many of us, our spouse was the person with whom we most regularly communicated and now that has been taken away from us.  Not surprisingly, this break in deep conversation can create a sense of panic because we can know that we need to start talking – really talking – and soon. And yet, sometimes our circumstances and our spouse make this challenging.

Someone might describe the situation this way: “I know that if I am going to have any chance at all to save my marriage, my husband and I have got to start talking again. The main reason that we are separated now is that we grew apart. My husband got very restless and said he needed some time away. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn’t accept any other options. He moved out about three and a half weeks ago. Since that time, he has never denied me access to him. He always answers my calls and texts. And sometimes he calls and texts me also. But the conversations are always very short. We will basically touch base and exchange information about practical matters related to the house or bills and then he will want to sign off. I am grateful that we are in touch, but I’m very discouraged. He doesn’t seem willing to have real conversations with me and I know that this is necessary. How can I encourage real conversations without pushing? Every time I have tried to push him in the past, he shuts down on me. So I know that I can’t overstep. But I also know that I feel like time is getting away from us.”

I definitely have some tips for this. I experienced nearly the same thing during my own separation. Unfortunately for me, I was not as smart as this wife and I DID push – with disastrous results. My husband started to avoid me, and of course, communication became more scarce. So, I had extra work to do just to get back to the cordial point that I started with. But once I did, I vowed to take whatever small gains I was given. Bear with me. I know that you are likely saying, “I don’t want small gains or small talk. I want meaningful conversation.” We will get to that. But as you likely already suspect, if you push for too much too soon, you will do more harm than good.

Setting The Stage Upon Which You Can Build Deeper Communication: Here is something that I realized from reading tons of self-help, doing some individual counseling, and just soul searching. When you are separated, your relationship changes so that you are, at least in some ways, back to the place when you were first dating. What I mean by this is that, in a sense, you are at a starting point where you don’t necessarily know what the future is going to bring. Sure, you want to save your marriage. But, you don’t know how long this might take or how it all might unfold. So you are in that same pattern you were in when you first met. You’re hopefully on your best behavior, and the two of you are feeling one another out, trying not to misstep or misspeak. You may be tongue-tied now.  But when you were first dating, you used your very best of your communication skills to draw him in, intrigue him, and put him at ease. What better time to do all that again than right now? You drew him in with your words once and you can do it again.

After You’ve Established Comfortable Communication Again, Inch Toward Something More Meaningful: Since many separated spouses have grown apart, it’s very important to begin to rebuild the intimacy. Deep conversation is an important part of this, but you have to build up to it. Any time that you feel strong resistance from your spouse or notice him pull away, stop and go back to light-hearted, comfortable banter. ( I learned this from painful experience.)

However, hopefully, there will soon come a time when it is pretty obvious that you are ready to move onto deeper conversations. Understand that deep down, your husband likely wants this as much as you do. We all long to be fully known and accepted by someone else. We all want to feel very close to that one person in life who totally “gets” us. So, these conversations, when done right, can start you along that path. The goal is to deepen your current understanding of who your spouse is at his core and get to the crux of what he truly wants. Note that personal topics can feel vulnerable. Many couples find that it helps to have these talks in the dark or on the phone because it helps to bring the emotional walls down. Also, when in doubt, keep the conversations short at first. It’s better to look forward to the next conversation than to have to fight any silent spaces. Before you know it, you’ll hopefully be talking late into the night again.

Here are some suggestions to get you started. Note that some topics and light and some are heavy. Use your sense of your spouse’s mood and receptiveness to pick the right topic at the right time. The questions are open-ended so that you can follow up as appropriate.

What is your favorite song, book, and movie right now? Why does it speak to you at this point in your life?

What has been the best birthday you’ve had in your adult life? What was special about it? How can we recreate it?

What are your goals for the next three years? How can I help you accomplish them?

What accomplishment in the last five years made you the proudest? Why?

What has been your biggest regret in the past five years? Can I help you to rectify this?

What is the personal attribute that you are most proud of? What would you like to work on?

If you could travel to one place in the next year, where would it be? Why?

What would you like to learn in the next year?

What are you seeking to improve?

What do you think you have done well?

Honestly, when my husband and I were reconnecting, we would play these “table conversation” games.  This added a fun twist to things and took the pressure off.  But it still got us talking.  Things did start a bit awkwardly, but I look back on those times with a kind of longing.  Because the vulnerability felt very sweet.  You can read more about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  When you are newly separated, things can feel so dire.  There is a lot of shock and also a great sense of urgency.  But what happens if you have been through a separation multiple times?  What if your spouse makes a habit of leaving you at the first sign of a fight?  Well, then the shock can sort of wear off and you just start to feel tired.

A wife might say: “my husband left me last week.  If this had happened five years ago, I would probably be panicking and beside myself.  But I have been through all of this before.  He’s actually left me multiple times.  We fight and he storms out. And then he comes back and we follow the same cycle over and over again.  I’m not panicked this time because it’s hard for me to believe that he won’t eventually come back.  But I also know that he will eventually leave all over again. I have gotten so tired of this cycle.  I can never disagree or fight with him because if I do, it will eventually turn into a disagreement worthy of him leaving me.  I am getting so sick of this.  I don’t want a divorce.  That is why I always take him back.  I don’t want to hurt our kids in that way.  But I am honestly at the point where I want to take the initiative and stop this cycle myself.  And the only way that I know how to do this is to get a divorce. It’s not really what I want.  But I also know that we cannot go on like this.”

The Cycle May Be Happening Because Nothing Changes That Makes It Stop: I understand your frustration.  No one wants to keep repeating the same old painful and destructive pattern.  I believe that couples often get into habits like this.  They don’t know how to allow it to play out any other way.  And even though it makes them unhappy, they end up following the script because they have never deviated from it before.

I do think it’s possible to break the cycle.  But in order to do this, you will need to change whatever isn’t getting solved with each separation.  When couples are in a pattern like this, it’s because nothing is changing.  There is the hope that things will change – which is why the husband keeps coming back.  But it doesn’t change – which is why he leaves again.

So two things need to happen in order to stop this.  First, whatever is causing the tension and friction must finally be addressed and significantly lessened or eliminated.  And second, both spouses must commit to trying to work things out before one of them just leaves.  It’s very hard to work through an issue when someone doesn’t stick around long enough.

Often, when a habit has become so deeply engrained like this one has, you truly do need help to overcome it.  Since it’s become somewhat obvious that the problem or issue isn’t going away on its own even when both people want it to, then perhaps it’s time to find a good counselor to help you with this.  It doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money, and it would likely be cheaper than continuing to support two households every time things turn sour in your marriage.

The counselor may be able to help you identify the trigger that sets off the chain of events of him leaving.  Once both of you can clearly see what is happening, it is much easier to pause before another recurrence.  Of course, none of this is going to matter unless your husband commits to staying when things get rough rather than just leaving again. But the fact that he keeps coming back tells me that he probably truly does want to work things out.  This cycle is probably just as painful and frustrating to him.  Which is why it makes sense to try what you haven’t – finding someone to help you identify what is truly at play here and then fixing it once and for all.

Even Old Habits Can Be Broken: Because if you can do that, then there will be no real reason for him to leave other than just habit.  And habits can be broken as long as there is something to stop the cycle from repeating again. I know that you are tired of all of this, but I would think it makes sense to give things another try by eliciting the help that you’ve never gotten before.  That’s just part of knowing that you have done everything in your power to rescue your marriage before filing for the divorce that you know you don’t want.

In order to keep our marriage, my husband and I both had to break old habits.  It wasn’t easy.  And there are even occasional instances today where we resort back.  But you have to watch yourself closely to develop new habits.  I know it is possible because we have done it.  And because of this, we are still married today, even though it looked very bleak in the past. You’re welcome to read more about our journey back to a healthy marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who don’t know how to approach (or attempt to overcome) their husband’s insistence that he is just more comfortable being alone. Perhaps he asked for some time to himself and pursued a separation and then found out that he liked being on his own.  As a result, he may come to believe that he would rather live alone permanently and this can leave the wife very frustrated and very confused.

I might hear from a wife who says: “it didn’t surprise me all that much when my husband wanted a separation. He’s always been a bit aloof and a loner. He always seemed to distance himself from me emotionally. That is just his personality type. I actually know that he loves me and I don’t take this personally because I see him exhibit this behavior with everyone else, including his family and very close friends. He can go months without contacting his family and then will only touch base when they reach out to him. So I know that this is just how my husband is. We’ve been separated for about two weeks and now he is saying that he wants to be alone permanently. I had to ask him if there was someone else and he assured me that there wasn’t. He says that he doesn’t really have any desire to spend time with any other human being. He says that he is just the type of person who needs to be alone. He says he is an extreme introvert and that it’s draining for him to have to interact with another person so closely on a daily basis. I have seen this play out in his life over and over again. But I thought that I would be the exception because of his love for me. He says that he has no immediate plans for a divorce. It’s just that he now realizes that he wants to live his life alone. He says that he still wants a close relationship with me and that he still loves me, but he loves his solitude too much to pretend that he doesn’t. He’s actually loving toward me when we’re together.  But we’re both sad that it has come to this. I have no idea how I am supposed to handle this. ”

Having Patience To See If His Attitude Will Change Can Be Helpful: I can’t say that this is a common situation, but I have heard from people involved in something like this more than once. Many people suspect that the husband or the unhappy spouse is just using this “want to be alone” explanation as an excuse. The assumption is that he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings and own up to the fact that the doesn’t love her anymore so he will just fall back on his introvert’s personality. I can understand why people might think this. But I believe that in some cases, what the husband is saying is valid.  He may truly believe it.  Or, he may be going through some sort of struggle that is causing him to isolate himself.  I know that most people resist counseling in these situations, but if you can swing it, that would be optimal.

With that said, there are some people who feel much more comfortable and at peace living alone. (I think it’s probably premature to assume with all certainty that you husband fits in this category. Because there are others who like the idea of living alone until they do it for an extended period of time, and then they realize it’s not as great as they thought. In fact, many come to realize that they are downright lonely. But you will often have to wait for this to happen. As tempting as it might be to try to convince him that he is mistaken or that it is not healthy for him to be such a loner, this isn’t likely to work. He’s obviously convinced that this is the way that he feels and the time and the circumstances are going to need to be right in order for him to begin to change his way of thinking.

With this said, none of these means that you do not have control over the circumstances. You do. You can continue to interact in positive ways and enjoy the time that you do spend together. I would suggest not pushing him or bringing up how difficult the entire situation is. Just enjoy the time that you have together, show him that being with you actually uplifts rather than drains him, and then have the patience that he’s going to realize that being alone isn’t as wonderful as he thought.

Determining The Optimal Situation For Both Of You: Some married couples do spend a great deal of time alone and some even live separately part of the time. And that is fine as long as this arrangement works well for both people. When it doesn’t, then what is the harm in having patience and see if that is going to change? In truth, you are already living separately. So there is no harm in staying the course, trying to be patient and positive, and seeing if he will eventually change his mind. I’d also suggest using this time to work on yourself. I know that it’s a difficult thought. It was very hard for me to pursue my own solo life during my separation. But as soon as I forced myself to do so, my husband noticed a big difference in me and this actually helped my situation. And I believe this shift is what started the process of very slowly and gradually saving my marriage.

I’d strongly encourage you to seek support, whether that entails friends, family, a therapist, or whatever the case may be.  You may need to just wait and see what is going to happen for a little while without needing to make drastic decisions. And working on yourself is beneficial no matter what is the outcome here.  It’s positive that the husband is still reaching out.  That is something on which you can build.

I know that this must be very challenging.  Gather your support system and try not to only see the negative.  You never know what might happen or change tomorrow.  A man who thinks he loves being alone may find himself lonely.  As long as it’s not detrimental to your health and well being to be patient, then I’d suggest taking this day by day. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I navigated my separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Although some spouses are very clear about wanting to keep in close contact with their separated spouse, there are some who want precisely the opposite. Some spouses have decided that it would be best to keep their distance during the separation. Sometimes, this is a matter of strategy – they want their spouse to miss them. Other times, both spouses agree that things are so volatile between them that it might benefit everyone to cut off contact so that things calm down. And the reasoning behind these decisions can be very valid. But there can be concern about whether or not this “no contact” is going to jeopardize your ability to reconcile later.

Someone might explain: “during the first week or so of my marital separation, I did not want to see my husband. At all. And I doubt he yearned to see me all that much. No one actually said ‘no contact’ and no one said that we weren’t going to see or talk to each other, but that is just the way that it ended up because there was nothing really to say at that point. Then, as time went by, I got kind of angry and hurt that my husband hadn’t tried to call or contact me in any way. So then I decided, on my own, that I was not going to contact him. I figured this would let him see how the silence felt and that perhaps he would miss me. Well, now this has been going on for over two weeks. My coworker told me that this strategy was crazy. She said that no one is going to want to reconcile or to come home after ‘no contact.’ Is she right? I’m not sure I intended for this silence to go on for so long. I never intended to end my marriage for good when my husband and I decided on a separation. But now I worry that this might be exactly what I have done.”

The Pitfalls Of Prolonged No Contact: As you have seen, no contact can be tricky. I used a sort of a variation on it during my own separation – however, I didn’t do this on purpose and I didn’t even know that there was an official name to this strategy. All I knew was that what I was doing before wasn’t working. I wanted LOTS of contact during my separation, but my husband wanted to limit it – because the whole reason he wanted to separate in the first place was that he wanted space. The more I tried to push contact, the more he resisted. So I stopped trying to contact him. I would have been more than happy if he had contacted me, but he did not. However, after a bit of silence, he eventually  DID reach out to me with an entirely new attitude, although this took a while.  So for me, no contact was effective – even though it wasn’t strategic. It was just that I felt like I was out of options and ideas.

However, it was always very clear that I was receptive to my husband. And there wasn’t really enough time that went by for him to think that I didn’t care or to assume that I had moved on with my life at that point. And I think that this is one of the biggest drawbacks of no contact. When the couple isn’t in touch at all for long periods of time, people do make assumptions. People can think that their spouse doesn’t care, isn’t interested in a reconciliation, or is perhaps pursuing something else.

If you think that any of these misunderstandings are possible in your case, I think that it wouldn’t hurt to reach out in an unobtrusive way. Perhaps you could text just to see how he is doing. Or you could place a quick phone call. His tone of voice and reaction could lead the way from there.

One text or phone call does not mean that you have to be in constant contact from that point on. You may not want or be ready for that. But unless you’re sure that you want to take the separation to the next level or you have no interest in communicating with your spouse and don’t care about the consequences, then I think that there is a risk with taking no contact too far and for too long.

Striking A Balance: Sometimes, something that was intended to be temporary can linger on and can cause your spouse to assume things that just aren’t true. And sometimes, the longer no contact goes on, the more awkward it becomes to try to pick up where you left off. You don’t need to talk every day or even very regularly if you don’t want to. But, at least in my opinion and observation, you don’t want too much time to go by before you just touch base. And you want it to be clear that your spouse is always welcome to call you at any time. At least if you want to save your marriage, you don’t want to close yourself off to that possibility.

But to answer the original question, my own husband was willing to come back after a short period of no contact. But the lack of contact wasn’t really the reason that we reconnected. Once we were both open to it, we did the work. And we moved very gradually. He didn’t move back in until we had several trial runs and were absolutely sure that it would work. I think no contact can help to cool things off sometimes, but I also think that you have to be careful with it. You can read more about how I very gradually got my husband back at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many separated wives notice a transformation in their separated husband.  They can’t deny that he’s actually a more pleasant person than he was before the separation.  This would almost seem like a positive transformation – if the wife herself could enjoy it.  You see, often the wife can’t help but notice that the sudden, new and improved version of her husband is available to everyone except for her.

She might say, “I am not saying that my husband was a bad guy before we separated. He wasn’t.  But, as things worsened in our marriage, he got a little snippy and sarcastic.  He would take his frustrations out on others.  Now that we are officially living apart, several people have approached me and commented on the positive changes in my husband.  Honestly, my husband has never been a particularly optimistic person.  I wouldn’t say he’s a constant pessimist, but he can be very serious sometimes.  He can also be a worrier.  However, now that our separation is in place, it’s almost like he’s a different person – a bright ray of sunshine.  He’s much more upbeat and demonstrative, to almost everyone, except for me. He’s much more loving to our children.  He is much more patient with coworkers.  However, when we interact or when he is around me, he is his same old sour self.  If I were to also be the beneficiary of this new attitude, we might have a better chance of saving our marriage.  But, for whatever reason, he seems determined to only allow me only access to his regular, downtrodden self.  Why would he be nice to everyone but me?  Is the separated spouse always the bad guy?”

I can certainly speculate as to reasons that he might be keeping his kinder side hidden from you, but they’d only be speculations.  However, if any of the following possibilities ring true for you, I’d suggest keeping a close eye on this and perhaps following up with your counselor (if you have one) or on your own with an honest conversation.

He May Be Reluctant To Show You His Relief:  Please don’t take this the wrong way and hear me out. It’s actually somewhat common for people to sort of breathe a sigh of relief once the separation starts.  Often, there is quite a lot of emotional currency tied up in the decision to separate.  There can also be quite a lot of dread, guilt, and hesitation.  So, when the separation actually happens, all of that can sort of be let down.  If you and your spouse were expending a lot of energy arguing, debating, or tiptoeing around this topic, no longer having that be front and center of your life can also feel a little liberating.  Now, this feeling may not last forever.  But there can be an initial, but fleeting, sense of relief.  And that may be what he is feeling right now.  But he might feel guilty for experiencing the relief, so he may be pulling that back from you, which is why you’re seeing his old personality.

He May Be Still Displaying His Resentment Or Anger (And Punishing You For It:)  Sometimes, a separation becomes necessary because there are irksome or troubling issues that have cropped up in your marriage. Despite your best efforts, these issues may feel somewhat insurmountable, which can lead to a sense of frustration. This frustration, can, of course, manifest itself as anger and nastiness. Occasionally, a person will unknowingly punish the person who they feel has caused that frustration with not-so-desirable behavior.  The good news in all of this is that if you can work through the issues that are causing the unhappiness, then the resentment and anger should fade and, when it does, you might then get to enjoy that improved behavior just like everyone else.

He May Be Using His Behavior To Keep You At A Distance (At Least Until He Figures Out What He Wants:)  Many newly-separated spouses aren’t exactly sure what they are feeling or what they want.  Sometimes, when they spend time around their spouse, they keep their emotional walls up, because they suspect that you want to know how they feel or what they want, but they aren’t sure what to tell you since they truly don’t know.   As a result, they may be somewhat cold and distant because they are trying to keep things at an emotional distance until they are sure about what they want or about how they feel.  Sometimes, this distance can come off as a bit rude, when this isn’t always their intention.

He May Not Realize That He’s Doing This:  Finally, if you were to confront your husband about his behavior, you might be surprised that he may sincerely tell you that he has no idea what you are talking about.  Separations are very difficult.  We tend to be on our guard when dealing with our separated spouse because this is all such an emotional landmine.  It could be that he doesn’t intend to act coldly toward you, but his feelings about the separation are influencing his behavior.  Since YOU are the one that he is separated from, this behavior is going to bleed through toward you and no one else.

Suggestions:  So how do you handle this?  I don’t think that you want to be confrontational when you address this.  And, it’s always an option to just wait for a few more days to see if it improves.  Sometimes, his behavior will improve once emotions are not quite so fresh.  However, if you do feel the need to bring this to his attention, you might try something like, “Have I done something to offend you?  Because I can’t help but notice that lately, your disposition has improved toward everyone but me.  I am not sure why this would be the case, so I want to make sure that I haven’t done anything to make you frustrated or angry.  If so, I want to fix it.”

This approach does a couple of things for you.  It brings your husband’s behavior to his attention because I honestly think that it’s a possibility that he doesn’t realize that he’s doing this.  Second, it invites him to put his cards on the table.  If he is frustrated about something, you’ve invited him to bring it out into the open so that it can be addressed.

Many times, this situation will improve as your relationship does – so make it a priority to actually use the separation to save your marriage.  Once I realized that I could actually do this, things changed for me and my husband and I were able to reconcile.  That story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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When you are separated from your spouse, you often hope that things will go somewhat smoothly so that you can reconcile as soon as possible. One important piece of this puzzle is being in regular contact with your spouse. But what happens when this communication doesn’t go very smoothly? What if it is awkward and almost painful?

Someone might explain, “I never wanted our separation, so I am very motivated to be in contact with my husband as much as possible. As he is resistant to seeing me every time, I often have to resort to calling him. And when there is nothing between us but the phone and the silence, I find that our conversations are awkward and almost painful. It is almost as if we have run out of things to say to one another. This feels very weird because we are both big talkers. Sometimes, there is dead silence. Last night, I actually got off the phone kind of early because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. So many conversations feel off limits. I want to ask him how he is feeling about me and what comes next. I want to ask him if we will get back together. But I know that we can’t have these conversations. So we just tap dance around everything and I almost don’t want to call because of it. But I know that it’s very important that we talk regularly. How do I improve this situation?”

Why Conversation Might Be Difficult: What you are going through is not at all uncommon. There are a couple of reasons for this. Alot of what couples talk about are shared experiences of their day-to-day existence. When you no longer live together, you no longer have as many experiences to discuss. So that leaves you with the choice of talking about things in the past or talking about things that you have experienced alone. Another issue is that people sometimes do not want to say the wrong things, so they hesitate to say anything at all. This, in turn makes the conversation limited, which feels awkward. You suddenly find yourself hesitating and second guessing yourself, which gives off new feeling of nervousness. All of these things are normal, but they can feel very discouraging and frustrating.

Some Helpful Considerations: One thing that might help is to remind yourself that this is your husband. You know him better than anyone else. You know his likes and dislikes and how he might respond to several different topics of conversation. During my own separation, I found that I truly had to draw on skills that I often used at work when meeting or conversing with new people. Conversation is a skill and we use this skill when we are suddenly in a situation where we have just met someone and have to fill the space. One thing that almost always works is to get someone to talk about themselves. However, when you are separated, sometimes your spouse will be resistant to this because he might think that you are overstepping and fishing for information. Sometimes, you have to be careful not to get too personal. But you can talk about your opinions on current events, your jobs, your extended families, etc. Sometimes, you might have to step back initially and talk to him like you would a friend or coworker – polite conversation that isn’t too probing or personal.

As this lighter conversation begins to go well, you can often gradually get more personal. You can also change things up sometimes. I finally got my husband to semi – regularly meet with me, which alleviated a lot of the awkward phone conversations. Since I knew that I would see him soon, I didn’t feel as pressured to tap dance for every phone conversation leading up to it. I knew that we’d have a chance to get more in depth later so I kept the conversations leading up this short. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with short, upbeat conversations sometimes. That, to me, is better than awkward long conversations that feel like pulling teeth and that make you hesitate to call the next time.

It’s very important that you both look forward to interacting. So if you need to have shorter and lighter conversations to make that happen at times, I truly think that this can be ok. Sometimes, you have to take baby steps. At things improve between you, then you can have the longer and more difficult conversations. But you don’t need to attempt that until things are going better.

For now, just try to keep things light. Don’t put too much pressure on the situation. Tell yourself that you know this person and have talked to him for many years. Things feel different now because your situation is difficult and different. But, if you can put that aside just for a while and focus on the two of you as familiar people, you might find that things flow a little easier. Don’t feel like every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes, you just need to quickly check in and leave things alone so that you will both look forward to, (rather than dread,) the next conversation. Sometimes, short is better. And then you can slowly work up to the more meaningful conversations and hopefully to more face-to-face meetings.

I hope this helps.  It’s normal that you’re not talking each other’s ears off right now.  Just keep it regular and shorter if you need to.  Many people find that in time, things improve.  My improvement was a long time coming because I made many mistakes.  However, despite this, I did save my marriage eventually.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re married but separated, it’s very common to constantly evaluate what is going on with your spouse. You want to know what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling, and what all of this might mean in terms of what he wants moving forward. This can be especially true if you want to save your marriage. But, all of this evaluating of feelings can bring about some troubling suspicions. Many wives in this situation begin to feel that the marriage (and the feelings within it) have become lopsided. In short, she believes that she cares much more than he does.

She might say, “when my husband and I were first married, I honestly believe that, at that time, we loved one another equally. What I mean by that is that we were equally committed to our marriage and we shared the same loving feelings. However, as my husband became more successful and I began to focus more on our children, I believe that there was most definitely a shift. I became the spouse who always made the marriage a priority, whereas my husband had to be constantly reminded of it. Over time, this seriously damaged our relationship and now we are separated. My husband has said that he isn’t sure that he wants to divorce, especially since we have small children. However, I am not sure if I believe this because he puts absolutely no effort into communicating with me during our separation. I always have to reach out. He doesn’t return calls. I’m always the one wondering how he feels and what is going to happen. He doesn’t seem to care. Part of me feels like if I filed for divorce tomorrow, he would be secretly happy because then he wouldn’t be the bad guy. I’ve pushed for counseling, but he says that he’s not ready for this quite yet. So I’m just in limbo and I’m always feeling like I’m much more invested than he. Does this mean that our marriage is doomed?”

Not necessarily. I was in the same situation. I definitely cared much more deeply than my husband did during our separation. But this didn’t mean the end of our marriage. The research that I’ve done on this topic may reassure you.

Understanding The Realities Of Asymmetrical Commitment:  I researched this topic during my own separation. This “lopsided” relationship that you describe actually has a name – asymmetrical commitment. Psychologists have studied it and some feel that, in excessive cases, this type of relationship can result in frustration for both sides because the least committed person can exploit the relationship while feeling entrapped. On the flip side, researchers have noted that asymmetrical marriages do not always result in divorce – especially when it is the woman who is more committed. In fact, asymmetrical relationships where the man was the least committed were not more likely to break up than symmetrical relationships (with equal levels of commitment.)

You can speculate as to the cause of this, but I’d suspect that the men in this type of relationship may not be as willing to end the relationship as you might fear. At least in my case, I was always sure that my husband was going to file for divorce at any time. He did not. Luckily, I was able to bring about some change before he ever took that action, but he was unhappy for some time and he took no action to end our marriage. (That doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t have, if given more time. And we did separate.)

The Dulling Or Delay Of Feelings: This apathy or delay doesn’t mean that you should just ignore what your gut feelings are telling you, but I don’t think that you need to panic, either. It’s common for people in marital separations to try to dull their feelings. It can be painful to be separated from someone who you love, so it can feel easier if you dull those loving feelings (which can’t easily be expressed while you are separated.)

This doesn’t mean that those same feelings can’t or won’t return once the circumstances change. Thankfully, I definitely feel that our relationship is mostly equal today, now that we have reconciled.

None of this means that you have to continue on feeling as if you are the only one who cares. In my experience, sometimes it is better to just back away a tiny bit. What I mean by that is that you try to keep yourself busy so that you aren’t constantly second-guessing how he feels (or what he potentially doesn’t feel.) When I forced myself to do this, I eventually found that my husband became somewhat interested and invested again. I just had to make myself less of a pest and he just needed some time to process what was happening.

While I was continuing to want a daily inventory of what he was feeling and thinking, I was only making things worse and making him think more negatively about our marriage. Once I gave him the space to come to his own conclusions, he thought more positively of both the marriage and of me. We had a lot of work to do, but eventually, things felt much more even between us.  You can read about how we reconciled at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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