Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: Many people feel as if their spouse transformed after a notable event in their marriage. For many people, this is the birth of their children. For others, it is another stressor or challenge. Regardless, I often hear men lament that their wives became more controlling and less attentive after having kids, while wives will say that their husbands became less involved. Many wives complain about their husbands withdrawing and then about feeling “shut out” as a result.

There may be a situation like this one.  A wife could say, “I will admit that our house can be chaotic after school and around dinner time. We have small children. So there is really no rest for us when we come home from work or school. I’m struggling to get dinner on the table. Then there is homework, bathtime, and trying to get everything organized before we all fall into bed. It can be quite stressful, but I feel as if I am doing it alone. My husband will basically retreat by playing video games and watching TV. He withdraws into his mindless activity and leaves me to it in regards to the kids. If I ask for help or try to get him involved, he acts as if I am nagging him. These are his children, too. This is his marriage, too, but it’s as if he is determined that it’s going to be all up to me. If I had known that he would just shut down on me like this, I do not think that I would have married him. What’s the point? It is like I am single anyway. Why do men shut down like this after the kids are born? He acted like he wanted to be part of a big family, but now I feel as if he is just part of the furniture.”

Often, Both Spouses Feel Excluded: I know that this must be frustrating. But your complaint is quite common. Child rearing can be very stressful for both husbands and wives. To show this from another perspective, many men tell another variation on this. While the wife feels as if she is shut out, the husbands often feel as if they are pushed out. The husband will often tell you that his wife has no time for him anymore. It is all about the children. He will often say that the wife and kids are their own tribe and he is by himself in no man’s land. It’s sad when you think about it. Both spouse’s feel excluded. Luckily, we are dealing with miscommunication that can be fixed. Because once the husband feels like a needed, included, and useful part of family life, you will hopefully see much less of this troublesome behavior.

Seeing It From Another Perspective: Many husbands in this situation admit to feeling less than competent when it comes to their children. When they are being open and honest, they will say things like, “my wife is so much better at this than I am. I don’t know what to do with the kids when they cry or get out of control. My wife gets mad at me, but there’s really nothing that I can do to make the situation better, so I just try to stay out of everyone’s way. In my mind, this is my way of helping. But in her mind, I just don’t care.”

Frame This With A Quid Pro Quo: Once you can see this from his point of view, it is easier to craft a plan that is going to bring him back into the fray. First of all, he needs to understand that you WANT him actively involved. He needs to know that his retreat doesn’t make your life any easier. And, he needs to know that you want to include him. Since you are asking something of him, realize that you will need to give him something in return in order to gain his enthusiasm. The easiest thing to offer is more of yourself. Since husbands in this situation often feel that their wife doesn’t have enough time for him, your first step should be to correct this.

More Couple Time Means Improved Family Time: If you can give your husband even slightly more one-on-one couple time, you will often see him be more involved and enthusiastic during family time. Why? Because he feels like your partner again. When you make a small effort to show him that he is also your priority, you show him that the two of you are in this together. Once this happens, he is much less likely to zone out on you or shut you out.

Spell It Out For Him: It is unrealistic for you to ask him to abruptly give up his video games or the other escapism he uses during hectic nights. In truth, we all engage in some escapism. It’s just that women and men have different forms of it. However, this doesn’t mean that he can just retreat without making any effort or meeting you halfway. So when you’re struggling to get everything done while he’s in front of the television, don’t just let this slide and allow the resentment to brew.

Instead, try something like, “honey, I know that you are in the middle of a game, but can you help me once it’s done? If I had thirty minutes of your time, it would make our night so much easier. We’re all in this together and I could really use your help.” Then when he does log off and helps you, make sure you praise him. An “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” is so much more effective than “it’s about time.” A little praise will make him want to help you. And he can play the hero rather than the villain.

Make It Clear That He Has A Family Role That Only He Can Fill: Encourage the kids to depend on him. He can help with homework too. He can run a bath also. Men often do not help because they don’t feel competent and therefore, they just expect to be excluded. Make it clear that not only is he not excluded, but you all want and expect him to play an active role. Find things that he does well and make it clear that this is his job. If he is busy being super-involved in your family life, he will not have as much time for video games.

Spouses who retreat and shut themselves out often do so because they mistakenly feel that they aren’t valuable or needed. They also are often punishing you a little because they feel that you haven’t made them a priority. (This may be untrue, but it is the way that they see things.) All of these things can be fixed. And once they are, you will often see him involved in couple and family life again.

Things got so bad in my own marital situation that my husband and I separated.  Don’t make my mistakes.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Fix the problem now.  You can read about how I reconciled my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: An unfortunate truth is that often men who believe they want a separation also believe they are finally making themselves a priority after years of sacrifice. They’ll convince themselves that it’s time to consider their own needs for a change.  This makes reconciliation a bigger challenge than it already is.

A wife might say, “my husband told me last month he wants to separate.  He’s been trying to find a place all week.  Initially, he wouldn’t discuss his thought process.  But last night, I repeatedly asked him why he was doing this to us.  He responded, ‘I’m finally thinking about myself for once.  Am I not allowed to do this?  Why can’t I think about my own happiness?’  At first, I did not understand what he was talking about, but the more I think about it, the more I believe he’s focused on the sacrifices we both made at the beginning of our marriage.  We’ve both worked extremely hard to give our kids a nice home and a wonderful life.  Sure, my husband could not pursue the career he wanted initially, but I’m pretty certain that now he is happy in his career.  Yes, he drives a minivan rather than a muscle car.  And he comes home to eat dinner rather than going out.  But isn’t this true of most parents?   Why does he want a medal for these things?  And why does he think that they no longer make him happy now?  Since he’s framed it this way, I do not understand how I am supposed to respond.  I can’t say, ‘Well you don’t have the right to think about yourself.’ It seems as if he’s put me in a no-win situation.”

Seeking The True Meaning In His Words: Honestly, your husband’s assertions are not uncommon.  His explanation is typical of the vague reasons you’ll often get when he’s seeking a separation.  Examples are “I just don’t feel the same way.”  Or “I just need time for myself.”  Or “it’s not you. It’s me.”  None of these things give you the type of specific information that you need to act.  So, you must look past the words and assume that he’s not happy right now.  He may think the separation will give him the space to decide what would make him more content. Or he wants to see if space MAKES him happy.

Positioning Yourself On The Right Side: You are right. You can’t very well say, “well it’s selfish of you to think of yourself when you’ve spent your adult life caring for us.”  You would look selfish with this type of response.  So, your only play is to act like the compassionate, concerned wife you truly are and see if you can validate him first and then negotiate second.

So, you might try something like, “Of course you may think of yourself.  I would never want you to put yourself last.  But, I would hope there is a way to think about the well-being of everyone.  Surely, there is a way for you to prioritize your own needs without it devastating our kids.  There must be a compromise here.  We just need to find it.”

At this point, I would ask him if he would consider staying in the same house but moving to the spare bedroom or basement.  This way, he gets his space without the kids having to see their dad leave the home and the expense or uncertainty of another place.

If he refuses this offer, then do your absolute best to get him to commit to regular visits and communications.  The more access and communication that you have, the easier it will be to eventually reconcile.

It’s very important that he believes that you are on his side and that you are trying to partner with him to ensure his happiness rather than trying to convince him that he’s wrong or selfish.  If he thinks that you are partnering with him, there is no need for him to avoid or thwart you.

Hoping For A Change In Perspective: He may well believe that he’s not the priority right now.  So there is no harm in letting him attempt to “put himself first” to evaluate how this might feel, especially if he is remaining in your home.  I’d be willing to bet that this will not be quite as blissful as he assumes.  Once he has his fill of going out and shirking his parental responsibilities, he may well start to miss you and the kids and realize that you are also making sacrifices without complaint.

Sometimes, you need freedom and validation to get the perspective to see that you were wrong.  I am hoping that this is the case here.  Most people can’t just turn off their love for and concern for their family.  He may want a momentary break, but once he gets it, he may find that he can shift his perspective (and the way he spends his time) to feel like a priority.

Sometimes, all it takes is giving yourself permission to prioritize your own self-care.  Other times, this situation isn’t about your marriage.  It’s often about your job or your place in the world.  You feel disappointed and left behind.  So you take this out on those closest to you.  Wanting to “think about yourself” means that you want respect from the outside world.  And your family is the easiest group from which to seek this.

Your Measured Response: Don’t panic.  Don’t tell him that you also must think of others first while you come last (even though we both know that this is probably true.)  Don’t insist that he is wrong.  Just tell him you completely understand his wanting to be a priority and that you’re sorry he feels this way and that you want to help him.  But ask that he works with you to minimize the impact this has on your kids and on your family.

Hopefully, this will allow you to strike a deal that is only temporary and allows you the access to actually improve things so that this crisis of his blows over quickly.  I admit that I did panic when my husband sought a separation.  This was a huge mistake.  It meant that it took us much longer to reconcile and we almost divorced.  You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There can be many confusing moments when your marriage is in trouble.  You may also deal with several setbacks if you’re in a trial separation.  During that time, you may struggle to get your spouse’s cooperation.  He may tell you he isn’t sure if the marriage is salvageable or if it is even worth attempting to work on it.  However, sometimes with determination, concrete changes, and a little finesse, you can coax him into changing his mind.  For many, this is an extremely happy day.  Because after tons of effort and patience, you finally have his cooperation – at least that is what you thought.  Until he pulls away again.  Needless to say, this turnaround can be incredibly frustrating and confusing.

A wife in this situation might say, “my husband and I have been separated for 14 weeks.  We did not speak for six of those weeks.  That was my husband’s choice.  He insisted that he wanted time completely away from me so he could evaluate his feelings.  After that time, we talked once a week.  At first, it was very awkward.  But I hung in there.  And I pushed for more but my husband was firm that he only wanted to talk initially.  So I forced myself to be patient. Eventually, we talked twice per week.  A few weeks after that, we saw one another every once in a while.  In the meantime, one of our good friends was in a serious car accident.  My husband and I sat in the hospital cafeteria for hours, hoping that everything would be okay.  Our friend was fine, but during that time my husband said, ‘I realize that none of us know what will happen tomorrow and I don’t want things to keep going wrong between us.  I feel that we owe it to ourselves to see if we can work on our marriage and fix this.’  I was over the moon.  And I assumed that this meant that my husband would move back in.  I was wrong.  Not only has he told me he isn’t moving, but now he wants to go at a snail’s pace.  I told him I’d make dinner for him tomorrow night, but his response was that he still wants to take this slowly.  I asked him if he changed his mind about working on our marriage and he claims he has not. But he now he says he wants it to be a gradual process.  I definitely feel him pulling away.  At the hospital,  he held my hand.  He hasn’t touched me since.  Does this mean we won’t reconcile after all?

Patience May Prevent Fear: I certainly don’t believe that this situation is hopeless or even dire.  I definitely had many setbacks during my own separation, but I’m still married right now.  There were several times when I pushed too hard and had to back up.  It was heartbreaking every time, but I eventually trained myself to hold back.  Because every time I pushed, my husband got scared.  But that didn’t mean there wasn’t any hope.  I learned to regroup and gave him time.  I took what he gave me.  I busied myself with the self-work that made me stronger so I could develop confidence while I was waiting.

Did I want him home immediately?  Of course I did.  I wanted that more than anything.  But I also knew that every time I pushed and had to back up, it was very frustrating for both of us.  So I decided that I would rather accept a gradual pace than continuing to start over.  I advise this for you too.

Stay The Course. Hold Your Gains: Don’t throw away the progress you’ve already made.  Don’t back completely up, but stop where you are. Don’t push. Go back to phone calls for a short period of time to see if that will inspire him to be more enthusiastic moving forward.  Allow him to take the lead to keep from appearing to be the aggressor. I know you want to move quickly, but doing so comes with great risk.

It may be difficult, but the best thing you can do right now is to try to enjoy the ride.  In the coming days and weeks, you will hopefully get to see and speak with your husband more than you have in a long time.  This should be a happy and exciting time.  Savor it.  Try to get him to know him again.  Try to be playful again. Keep things light.  Laugh when you can.

If you accept that this process will be gradual and you allow it to take as long as it needs to, it becomes easier not to push. It’s simpler to go with the flow.  Taking this approach will often mean that your husband will be less fearful and more willing to cooperate.  Yes, this strategy means that you must move more slowly than you might like, but what you will gain will be more than worth it.  Think of the long-term plan rather than the short-term gain.  What you want here is a marriage that lasts for decades.  This is worth the wait, the patience, and whatever else is required. During my own separation, there were days when I hated the slow pace.  There were times when I had to literally force myself to slow down.  This was painful.  But I’m so glad I did it.  I’d likely be divorced right now if I had continued to push.  You can read more about how I struggled with this strategy but ultimately won here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some couples are very concerned about defining the right living arrangements during their separation.  Often, they still have some hopes of saving their marriage.  And, they don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize this.  However, they also must make a decision as to who should move out and who should stay.  They often don’t want to appear combative or inflexible, but they don’t want to vacate their home, either.

One of them might explain: “after months of having serious problems in our marriage, my husband and I decided that the best thing to do was to try a marital separation in the hopes that this would help us to put things in perspective.  But now we have to make a decision as to who is moving out.  I personally don’t want to move out.  My parents have offered me my old room.  However, this isn’t really an appealing thought, but my husband has no other place to go. I want for us to get along during the separation because my real goal is for us to reconcile and to live in this house together.  So, I’m willing to move out if it will help to keep the peace.  But my friends are telling me that this is a horrible strategy because if we end up divorcing, then I have to fight to get my home back.  I don’t want to even think about divorce.   And we’ve both agreed to the separation.  It’s not as if he’s kicking me out or as if I’m abandoning him.   What is customary here?  Who moves out when a couple is separating but hoping to prevent a divorce?”

The answer to these questions really does depend upon both people’s wishes and their personal housing situation. But although I know that many disagree with me, I think that the best case scenario is that no one officially moves out at all.  Or, alternatively, that the couples take turns temporarily staying somewhere else.  I’ll explain the reasoning behind this (and offer tips on how to make it work) in the following article.

Why I Feel That It’s Best That No One Moves Out:  I know that it’s not always possible, but I think that the best solution is for both spouses to stay in the house, although they will likely live in different areas of the house.  This way, no one has made any move to make this situation more permanent.  Since no one has taken the drastic action to leave the house, it’s hopefully less likely that anyone will leave in the future.  Additionally, when no one moves out, it is easier to have regular contact.  This, too, is vital.

How To Give A Spouse “Space” When Still Living In The Same House: If you can get your spouse to agree to live together while exploring more independent lives, it’s important that you define as many specifics as possible so that this actually works.  There will be questions like:  Do we sleep in separate beds or in separate rooms? Do we not eat meals together? Am I not supposed to ask where he’s going or how he is? What about the kids?

I strongly suggest coming to an agreement on all of these questions before the “space” is actually supposed to start. This will make things much easier for everyone. I know that it is awkward to have these conversations. But it is honestly easier to just take a deep breath and to have a direct discussion than to have avoidable misunderstandings and awkwardness.

You can try to keep it casual and make it so that your delivery sounds accommodating instead of demanding. Try to make it sound like you want to understand how he envisions things so that you can try to make sure he’s getting what he needs. You might try something like, “can we talk about the ‘space’ issue for a minute? I’m not sure how you want for it to work and I’m asking for clarification. How much ‘space’ are we talking about? Are we supposed to live as if we both live alone? Or do you just want more alone time than you have now? Will we eat meals together? Will we still parent the kids as though nothing has changed? Will we tell them? How do you want to handle these things?”

If he tells you to just “wait and see” then make sure that you follow up and ask specific questions when such situations come up. It’s better to casually ask than to have hurt feelings or to assume something that just isn’t true. Unless your husband is adamant about telling the kids, I don’t see the need to upset or confuse them. If it’s possible that the “space” will be enough and you won’t need to separate.

As good as it can be to define your roles during this “break,” there are often some things that you just have to play by ear. For example, you may get invited to events as a couple and you’ll have to figure out how to navigate this.  Or, you may want to go and see a new movie but aren’t sure if you should assume that he’s going with you. I think it’s best to just straight up ask him how he wants to handle these things as they come up.

In terms of the actual “space,” I think it is best if you just try to let him come to you more. Don’t assume that he wants company. Busy yourself with solitary things and then let him come to you when he feels like company. This way, he can’t claim that you didn’t give him what he asked for. I know that it might feel lonely, but it is so much better to try to comply in the hopes that this phase passes.  Giving him liberal space at home is better than making him feel that he has to move out in order to get what he’s asked for.

The Alternative Of Taking Turns Leaving The Home:  Sometimes when I offer the suggestion that no one moves out, one of the spouses has a problem with this.  Some people feel that in order to get the space that they want or need, they can’t be in a situation where they are still living under the same roof as their spouse.   If this is the case, then it’s my suggestion that both people take turns staying somewhere else for a while.  This way, no one has to worry that the other person is making a claim on the marital home in the case of a divorce down the road.   Repairing your marriage in the midst of separation is difficult enough without having to worry that your spouse is scheming to make sure that you are homeless in the future.  Simply put, the ownership of the house is not something that you should be worrying about when you want to save your marriage.

I also think that it’s best that both people find very temporary living arrangements when they leave the home.  In other words, you want to stay with family, friends, or at a hotel rather than renting an apartment.  Because if either of you procures long-term housing, then there is a lot less incentive to make your marriage work or to solve your problems quickly, efficiently, and for good.

So to answer the question posed, I think that it’s optimal that neither spouse moves out during the separation.  But, if this isn’t possible, then I believe that you should both move out, although it will likely be on a rotating schedule.  I know that some won’t agree with my opinion on this, and I know that these solutions don’t work for everyone.  Having a spouse move out and live in an apartment does not mean that you will never reconcile.  However, I can tell you from experience that it can be much harder to save your marriage when you are living under a different roof.  After my husband moved out, things became very difficult, although we eventually reconciled.  (There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s easy to lose perspective when your marriage deteriorates and becomes unhappy. Like with anything else that turns bad, it can begin to feel as if things will never change or improve.  Each day can seem worse than the last.  And one wonders if the clouds will ever lift.

Someone might explain it this way: “My marriage has been deteriorating for the past few years in the same way that my life has.  It began with my mother’s death.  But everything spiraled out of control after that.  I got in a car accident two weeks later.  My job changed and I am making a fraction of the salary I used to make.  One of my husband’s good friends divorced and now my husband spends more time with his friend than with me.  My marriage seems like a casualty of all the bad things happening in my life.  Things have gotten so bad that we’ve talked about a separation or divorce.  Some of our mutual friends beg us to stick it out.  They say we are great together and perfectly matched.  They insist that if we hang in there, things will get better.  But, I feel as if we have been hanging in there for long enough that we should have seen improvement by now.  I truly don’t think things will get better.  It seems as if they are only getting worse.  I feel guilty for only seeing the bad.  But I’m not sure how much longer I can wait. I know that I would miss my marriage and my life with my husband.  Deep down, I feel like ending my marriage would be a mistake, but I also hate the feeling that things will never improve.”

I had the same feelings, although I was always still heavily invested in my marriage.  In fact, it was my husband that was unhappy.  I knew we had problems, but I also knew I did not want to surrender my marriage.  However, I feared that we’d never be able to make the changes my husband wanted to see.  I am glad we hung in there because things eventually improved significantly.  And a new study shows that we’re not unique.

An Important New Study Proves That Most Marriages DO Get Better:  There is good news out of UC Berkeley.  Researchers examined 87 couples over 13 years of marriage.  They videotaped the couple’s interactions so that researchers could study marital behavior over time.  It turned out that, over the years, positive emotions increased while negative emotions decreased.  Many marriages had conflicts early on.  But the behaviors that contributed most to unhappiness  – nagging, negativity, and stonewalling – dropped off.  And the behaviors that contributed to happiness – intimacy, humor, validation, and enthusiasm – increased.  As you might guess, these changes contributed to people being more settled and fulfilled in their marriages as time passed. The only negative noted was that older couples weren’t as physically affectionate. But they enjoyed more “compassionate love.”

This study confirms what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen in other couples.  As people age, they gain perspectives that they could not have had when they were younger.  They no longer take themselves as seriously.  They realize that many of the difficult phases in their life will eventually pass.  They may lose close friends and family or face challenges which makes them grateful to still be on Earth to experience both the good and the bad.  And they want a partner to share all of these things with.

Active Changes Can Yield Positive Results:  I find this study to be incredibly reassuring.  However, when my marriage was struggling, I knew I couldn’t just wait for things to improve.  My husband was losing patience, and I feared that he would eventually check out completely and demand a divorce.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t willing to go to counseling initially. Worse, he was hesitant to even work with me because he didn’t think we could solve our problems.  So I decided that I could only control two things – myself and my own actions.  Any changes had to start with me.

A New Perspective: One day, when I was lamenting about my marriage with a friend, she looked at me and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I wouldn’t want to be your spouse right now.  And you’re one of my best friends.  But all you do is complain.”

This hurt at first, but then I really watched my own behavior.  When my husband and I had a bad day or negative interactions, I would stop and ask myself “would I want to be married to me today?” When the answer was no, I asked myself what I could have done better.  Over time, my attitude and behaviors changed. Without this, I think my husband and I would have divorced. Although we separated for a while, we later reconciled.  One major contributing factor was that, because of these changes, my husband saw – really saw – that our marriage could actually improve.

Looking at this study, I see that the changes I deliberately made may have come naturally in time.  Thankfully, I hurried them along because I had to.  I bumped up the humor.  I toned down the criticism.  I tried to be someone who I wanted to be around. Sometimes, you fake it til you make it, but my attitude legitimately shifted. I became a more positive person. After this, my life improved in areas outside of my marriage.

I know that you think it will never get better.  But I am living proof it can.  And so are all the couples in the UC Berkley study.  Sure, you could wait for the changes to happen naturally, but that would mean that you would remain unhappy for a while longer. Why not go ahead and actively make the necessary changes in your marriage so that you can be more content?  You’re clear that you’d like to stay married, so why not make some changes to ensure that not only do you remain married, but that you are happily married?  Why settle for less? If it helps, you can read more about I saved my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Hi. I normally keep this type of announcement on the “about” page.  However, in the last few weeks, it has come to my attention that several people have stolen virtually all of my article catalog.  They have spun the articles, slapped them on article directories, and filled them with links that go to unsavory places.  I mention this for two reasons: First, I don’t want any of my readers to think that these articles spun to the point of nonsense and bad grammar are actually mine – they aren’t.  Any article that is legitimate should link back to me and should include my author name.  (The stolen articles change the name.) Second, I don’t want for you to try to search for an article later and then be taken to one of these sites.  So please, if you think you might want to come back later and read more of my content, bookmark this site.  That is the only way you may not end up with an unpleasant experience.  These thieves do change the author name and will often combine my article with additional stolen content, but the search engines still seem to think that they are mine.  It’s very frustrating.  I am diligently working to get these stolen articles taken down and I will not stop until they are.  And I am working on a book so that readers don’t have to work so hard to read my work.  However, in the meantime, bookmarking is probably the most efficient way to ensure you’re actually reading my articles in the place where they are supposed to be.  Thank you!

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives find effective communication to be one of the most challenging aspects of the trial separation. Often, the wife may believe that the words are being sincerely expressed from the heart, but somehow, the overall message comes out completely wrong. Or, her husband reads her intention incorrectly and an argument follows. She may try to explain herself, but this only makes things worse. Voices are raised. Doors are slammed. She stops talking, but she still wants her husband to understand her. So she thinks about how she might successfully get him to understand exactly what she is attempting to say. She wonders if email may be a viable alternative.

She might say, “every time I actually try to talk to my husband face-to-face, something goes wrong. No matter how calm I remain or how many times I re-state my case, he seems to think that I am disagreeing with him. I’m not. Usually, I am trying to clarify what I mean. Last weekend was the perfect example. I asked him what he wanted me to do about the winter preparation for our home. We do this every year. Sometimes, my husband does this chore himself and other times, he hires someone.  Obviously, I am the only one living in the house right now and I can’t complete this task on my own.  I did not want to hire someone before I discussed it with him first, but when I approached him about it, he became angry and accused me of trying to make him feel guilty. This was not the case. Things got heated and he stormed off. I want to continue with this conversation and with so much more. I have thought about texting him. But there is so much more to say than what a text could convey. His phone breaks up texts, so I was considering email. Would this work?”

I can’t see into the future, but in my own experience, there are pros and cons to email. Honestly, I think that face-to-face communication is the best case scenario because it forces you to fine tune your communication skills and it means that you will regularly see your spouse – both of which can be important for reconciliation or at least for a healthy separation. However, as you have seen, effective face-to-face communication is not always possible. That is where written communication can work. But before I go into how to use it effectively, I want you to consider the cons of it.

The Cons Of Written Communications Like Email During A Trial Or Marital Separation: The biggest disadvantage to written communication is that your words can be interpreted incorrectly and you aren’t there to explain or to make corrections. When I attempted to text and email my husband, he often assumed that I was being sarcastic when I was not. I would sometimes expect to get an apology from him when he would instead demand an apology from me because he read my words as snippy or sarcastic when my intentions were the opposite. You can try to get around this by anticipating what your spouse may misinterpret and to literally write, “I mean this sincerely.” However, sometimes your guess may be wrong. I also had attorney friends warn me about putting any issues that might be important in a divorce into written form (like an email.)  Because this might be documentation that my husband would use against me. I was determined that I would not be getting divorced, so I didn’t worry too much about this, but it is worth mentioning.

Tips For Sending Effective Emails During A Separation: I think that the most important thing to remember is to keep it short and to the point. I know that it is tempting to begin talking about winterizing the house and then to drift into a long lament of how sad you are that you can’t communicate right now, etc. But save that until things improve a little bit. You don’t want for your husband to stop reading and then to be reluctant to read your email the next time. Also, don’t substitute email for meeting in person. This is not a precedent that you want to start. I would try something like, “I would like to clarify what I meant about the house during our last conversation. I only wanted to determine how you wanted me to proceed. I apologize if I was not clear. Please clarify how I should move forward. If you like, we can talk about this in person on ________.” (Insert the next time you are going to meet.)

In this way, you are still trying to meet regularly and you have limited the topic to what really needs to be said. If you have success this way, you can try again and perhaps say a little more the next time. But it’s best to keep things very short and simple at first.

So yes, I do think that emails have their place, but you shouldn’t replace regular (and potentially difficult) conversations with them. Sometimes though, you need to clarify a topic where regular communication has not worked. In that case, be very deliberate and short. Then follow up with vocal communication. If done correctly, this should make things better instead of worse.

If you’re repeatedly struggling to communicate, be careful to keep topics light and easy right now. Don’t bring up something that you know will cause strife. In the beginning stages of separation, you really only want to worry about having positive interactions that build on one another. A very common mistake is trying to have deep conversations or trying to cure your marriage right away.  Your relationship is too fragile for that initially. Wait until your marriage can withstand this. Go easily and slowly. Try for very small victories.

I know that this slower pace can seem to be a let down when you’re lonely and frightened, but when your husband is so quick to misinterpret you, then you need to settle for slow and steady rather than pushy and assertive. The reason is that your husband will view this as pressure and may start to try to block your attempts at communication. When this happens, things can become much more difficult for you. Right now, you still have access to him so be careful not to lose it. I know this from a difficult experience. My husband avoided me when I pushed and I had to work twice as hard to gain access again.  I did eventually save my marriage, but not before I made a huge mess.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are faced with a marital separation that you don’t want, it is human nature to tell yourself that hopefully, it will all be over soon. Many of us tell ourselves that our spouses will miss us and, before long, will want to rush back home and end the separation.

Unfortunately, we are not all this lucky. Our separations seem to linger on and on. Our husbands do not appear to miss us all that much. When we attempt to reach out to him, we do not get the warm reception that we had in mind.  So we will try different methods to improve our situations or to get our husband’s attention. Sometimes, these efforts just make things worse, which is when you feel as if you are just treading water with your separation or making no progress at all.

Someone might explain, “I honestly feel like our separation is at a dead end. I don’t want a divorce. I have been fighting to keep a divorce from happening. However, if I am being realistic, I have to say that we may as well divorce because we are just at a standstill. It’s not as if we hate one another or anything like that. But my husband has shown no interest in a reconciliation and he seems content to just live separate lives. I am not content with this arrangement. I want a real husband and a real marriage. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling like my spouse does not care what is going on with me. What can you do when you hit a dead end in your separation but don’t want a divorce?”

I can only tell you what worked for me, but I was in a similar situation and I was sure that I was going to end up divorced. Like the wife above, I felt very isolated and, quite frankly, downright depressed. Thankfully, I had some caring individuals around me who intervened so that I saw the dark clouds that were hanging over me. I turned my situation around, so I know that it is not impossible. I do know that it can feel incredibly difficult, but it can also eventually come to an end.

Don’t Force Yourself To Be Alone: I know that you feel alone and I understand why. I know that there is a big difference between being among others and being WITH your spouse. The two are not the same. However, right now, only one of these two is possible. Although I was resistant initially, I found that I felt so much better being around other people. Sometimes this was my family. Other times, it was friends, coworkers, or even complete strangers (when I volunteered.) You may not notice a huge difference until you are alone again. Isolating yourself often makes your outlook more negative because you have no one to check you. When you take this negativity to your spouse, things may continue to deteriorate. I promise that being around others is a very easy way to feel better and to improve your situation.

Think Smaller: I admit it. When I was right in the middle of my separation, all I thought about was reconciling. I thought about this every single time I interacted with my husband. These thoughts bled into every interaction and communication. My husband was well aware of this and so he was on his guard. He was not sure what he wanted to do about reconciling, so we were at odds. As a result, our interactions were awkward and it was difficult to find solid ground. That is why I had to back off. I was unquestionably hurting my chances of a reconciliation instead of helping them. So I told myself that I was taking this idea off the table and instead, I was just going to prioritize positive interactions. Sometimes, that meant an upbeat text and nothing more. Next time, we might have a five-minute conversation that ended well. I would have to be satisfied with that, until the next time. But the important thing was that backing off allowed there to be the next time.

Be Content With The Here And Now: I know that you want to reconcile. I know that you may even feel divorced already. But, I know many divorced couples. It is very different to be divorced and to be separated. When you are divorced, you break many of the bonds that you still have right now. No joint finances. No investment in one another. No hope that you will one day be together. It feels over and so you feel compelled to move on. This is why I didn’t just give up during my own separation. I was not ready to accept these harsh realities. I accepted giving my husband space and I accepted very small, gradual victories, but I could not accept cutting him out of my life forever. So I had to be content with just standing still for much longer than I wanted.  That was better than letting my husband go indefinitely. The separation was absolutely no fun at all, but letting go and giving up would have been far worse.

Ask If There Are Any Changes That Might Improve Things: In my own case, backing up, moving more slowly, and busying/working on myself were new strategies that actually pushed my separation forward, although at the time it did feel like a slow process. Can you identify any areas where you can make some changes (in perspective or in actions) that might improve things, even slightly? If you can move forward, then you may not have to wait as long for a reconciliation – or you may make one more likely. Even better, this more active approach makes the waiting a little easier.  Try not to see this as a dead end.  Try to see it as the pause that comes before you find the right strategy.

As I alluded to, I frequently felt that my separation was at a dead end. But, I hung in there because I just wasn’t ready to let my husband (or my marriage) go.  In the end, this (along with a new strategy) worked out for me.  I saved my marriage (You can read about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com) but everyone has a different patience level.

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are facing a separation or a divorce that they don’t want.  Some wives panic over this and take it very seriously.  Others aren’t sure quite how they should react.  I recently heard from a wife whose husband was assuring her that the separation would only be temporary.  He told his wife that he felt “pretty sure” that he was going to come back and he just needed a small amount of time apart to clear his head.   She said, in part:  “my husband is asking for a separation but he’s been assuring me that it will only be temporary and that he will come back soon.  He insists that he doesn’t want a divorce and that he still loves me.  But I just have this nagging feeling that there’s something he’s not telling me or that there’s something he’s not saying.  I’m just wondering how seriously I should take all of this separation talk.  Should I caution my children and start preparing them for a divorce?  Should I start paying attention to my own assets?  I’m just not sure what a separation really means for us.  I know what my husband is telling me, but I also have a lot of divorced friends telling me that their husbands said the same thing and now they’re divorced.  So how seriously should I take his wanting a separation?”

This was not a question that I could directly answer for the wife.  But, I could give her some insights on what possibly goes through a husband’s mind when he asks for a separation.  I’ve formed these insights from my own experience and from people who comment or contact me on my I saved my marriage blog.  Of course, your experience might be different.  But, over time, I’ve formed the opinion that there’s a reason that men ask for a separation instead of a divorce.  Many men want some distance and space to sort of their feelings or to get a different perspective on either personal struggles or struggles that are going on with the marriage.  That’s not to say that some men don’t have a divorce in the back of their minds when they ask for a separation, but, at least in my view, many do not.

However, with that said, it’s my opinion that a separation should be taken very seriously.  By seriously, I don’t mean that you should over react or panic.  But I believe that you should take stock of what is going on around you and make any improvements and adjustments that are appropriate.   Because often, when your husband wants a separation or time apart, this implies that there are at least some areas where he’s not completely happy in (or sure about) the marriage.  This isn’t your fault or a reflection on you or the marriage.  But it can mean that it’s a good idea to turn your attention to what you have the power to change or improve upon.  I’ll offer some suggestions on how to do this below.

Taking The Separation Seriously Doesn’t Mean Panicking Or Assuming That A Divorce Will Automatically Follow: Many women assume that their husband wanting a separation means that he’s trying to bring about a gradual divorce.  I know this to be untrue.  Sure, sometimes he is undecided about you or your marriage.  But many married couples who separate end up getting back together and remaining in a happy and improved marriage.  I believe that it can be a huge and potentially costly mistake to just assume that, if nothing very dramatic happens, a divorce is probably going to follow in the not too distant future. Essentially, this is giving up before you’ve even had a chance to fight.

Assumptions like these can give you a defeatist attitude that clouds your ability to decide on the best course of action.  A separation is not the same as a divorce.  You are still married.  There is still time  to turn things around and save and improve your marriage.  But in order to do this, you’ll often need a positive attitude combined with very decisive and targeted action.

Deciding Where To Focus Your Efforts During The Separation So That A Divorce Is Never Your Reality: I believe that many of the women who ask me what a separation really means or how seriously they should take it are very much hoping that I will give them some reassurance that their marriage can recover.  And I know first hand that it can.  But this often doesn’t happen magically.   To have the best chance of saving your marriage during a separation, you’ll need to have a decent idea of why your husband is pulling away and what is bothering him enough to want a temporary situation.

Sometimes, husbands don’t tell wives why they want a separation.  But there have often been some rough times or reoccurring issues that have preceded talks of a separation.  If you’re still confused as to why your husband wanted to separate, I can tell you that many men allude to some doubt about their feelings or about where they want their life to go.  So, when your husband is thinking more about this during the separation, you obviously want to give him positive images and memories from which to draw.  You want him to smile when he thinks of you.  So as easy as it might be to show him to scared and desperate part of yourself right now, try to avoid that at all costs.  Instead, show him who you know he is most attracted to.  You should know this from your years together. Yes, that woman might be buried in the past.  But now is the time to say hello to her again.

Should You Begin To Prepare Yourself Emotionally Or Financially In Case The Separation Turns Into A Divorce?: The wife in this situation was very concerned about whether she should be preparing her children or her own finances for a divorce.  As she put it, she didn’t want to be caught “blindsided” if her husband was not being completely honest about his intentions.  I’m certainly not an attorney.  If there’s some uncertainty about any of these issues, it’s certainly not a bad idea to consult with someone who can advise you.

However, my opinion has always been to gather information and educate yourself so that you can make informed decisions, but to still remain hopeful.   After all, this wife’s husband had not done anything to indicate that he wasn’t being truthful.  The separation hadn’t even happened yet.  I didn’t think there was any reason to worry or upset her children until she had more information.  My stance on this is usually that you should take what your spouse says as truth until they give you a reason not to.  So to answer the questions asked,  I believe that you should definitely take a separation seriously.  But you shouldn’t panic so much that you don’t take any real action to give yourself the best chance to end the separation and avoid a divorce.

How did I form my opinions?  From experience.  My husband and I were separated for a while. Unfortunately, I took this so seriously that I panicked and reacted quite badly.  This over reaction almost cost me my marriage.  Luckily, it eventually became apparent that if I had any chance of saving the marriage at all, I was going to have to change my outlook and my behavior.  If it helps, you can read If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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