Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated husbands make it clear that they want real change in their wife or in their marriage before they return home. Understandably, many of these wives (myself included) are willing to do whatever it takes to make these necessary changes. Because isn’t this a small price to pay in order to get your marriage back? So, we make a good faith effort to accomplish whatever changes he deems are necessary. But many of us come to learn a universal truth – change can be very, very difficult. Even worse, convincing someone of authentic change can be even more challenging. Although you may think that you have changed, your husband may disagree and therefore put off coming home as a result.

A wife might say, “one of the biggest reasons that my husband and I separated was due to my anxiety and my spending. I admit that I have struggled with severe anxiety. Things got so bad that my husband felt that he was always walking on eggshells around me. To make myself feel better, I began spending and hiding it. Needless to say, this created even bigger problems. My husband initially moved to another room in our home and asked me to seek counseling and go on anti-anxiety medication because my anxiety was changing our lives. I did that and I tried the medication. I had a bad response and therefore pursued cognitive therapy. My husband still felt that my struggles were negatively affecting him, so he is staying with family for the time being. We still see one another all of the time. He still supports me financially and emotionally. But he is not living with me. I feel like the therapy is helping. But my husband does not. He says he will not come home because I have not kept my promise to treat my anxiety. I am trying, but things have not improved as much as he thinks is needed. How do I convince him that I am trying to keep my promise?”

My Honest Answer: I went through a similar situation and you may not like my answer, but here it is in all honesty – don’t push him to come home when he is resistant. It will only make things worse. (I know this from experience.) Instead, keep doing the work you are doing and keep remaining close to him. Keep being in constant contact with your husband. Have confidence that you will eventually get there – which means that your reconciliation will actually stick when the time is right. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But this is what I was forced to do – and it was actually the right call. It allowed me to continue to work on myself and I was stronger when we did reconcile. Plus waiting allowed my husband to have the confidence that the timing was right. I wanted him to be absolutely sure once we reconciled and waiting ensured this.

Let Him See Your Progress: I would also give your husband the opportunity to go to sessions with you so that he can see you are putting in the effort. Find uplifting things that you can do together that give you a break from the anxiety. You don’t want for him to associate spending time with you with uptight situations. Try to take a break from that sometimes.

Trust that if you are under the care of a competent therapist, you should eventually show improvement. Trust that if you truly continuously work on yourself on your own time, you will get to where you want to be. Do whatever is necessary to help yourself make progress, even if it means stepping outside of your comfort zone.

Challenge Yourself To Show The Progress: When I was doing self-work, I truly did believe that I was stepping up to the proverbial plate. I was doing everything that was asked of me – or so I thought. Then a therapist asked me to keep a journal and to bring it with me. She showed me how to do “therapeutic journaling.”  This is basically initially keeping a regular journal but then reading what you write and challenging myself afterward. So while I would write that I was doing better, I would ask myself WHERE in my description was actual proof of this. Sometimes the proof was there. Other times, it was not. But training myself to always question actually multipled my results.

In terms of anxiety, you’d search your journal for proof that your anxiety was the same, worse, or better, then you would write what you could do right now, tonight and tomorrow to make it better. This forces you to take action and to question your limiting beliefs.  Plus, you are teaching yourself to look for the proof in your assumptions regarding your behavior.

If you haven’t tried therapeutic journaling yet, please do. It trains you to reach a little further even when you think that you already are.

This will show you how far you have come and will make you very self-aware of where you still have work to do. If you feel comfortable doing so, share these insights with your husband so that he will realize that you are absolutely making every effort to keep your promises.

I hope this helps.  I was eventually able to convince my husband that I had changed because I REALLY had.  I worked so hard to make it happen and I am happy to say that most of the changes stuck. I still do the journaling and I am still very self-aware so that I can make tweaks when needed.  There’s more about how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your marriage is feeling strong enough to survive, inequality within it is sometimes bearable. You may put off addressing not feeling like your spouse’s equal in the hopes that it gets better. However, if you are separated, you might see this imbalance a little differently. You may think that it needs to be fixed before you can successfully reconcile. And it may become an issue that you interpret as important as the issues that may be separating you.

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been separated for two months. I have always felt that our relationship was somewhat uneven. My husband is more attractive and more successful than I am. I was always aware of this, but it was never an issue when our marriage was going well. He made me feel valued because he valued what I brought to the table. However, once our marriage started to struggle, I started to feel much less valued. And now that we are separated, I do not feel valued at all. My husband has not come out and said this. It is more a feeling and just the sum of my observations. I am the one who has to call him. I am the one who has to make all of the counseling appointments. My husband has gotten a job opportunity that would require a move. He does not seem to be considering me into this equation at all. He acts as if he’s going to take the job and that if we eventually reconcile, I will just uproot my life and follow him. If we talk about doing something, he immediately will consider his tastes and his schedule. It is as if mine does not even matter. He never made me feel ‘less than’ before but now he most definitely is. In subtle and not so subtle ways, he is definitely communicating that his needs and wants are much more important than mine. It’s like if he can fit me into his life, fine. But if he can’t, then he’s more than willing to just move on without a second thought. This hurts. And I don’t know how to bring this to his attention without sounding like I’m complaining or as if I have low self-esteem or am too needy.”

It’s Normal For A Newly-Separated Husband To Want To Put Himself First: This is a very common problem. Many wives who never wanted the separation in the first place feel as if their husband is very quick to put himself first in all matters during the separation. However, before I talk about how to address this, I want to reassure you that it may not be a permanent problem. Many husbands are insistent upon taking their own needs into account and evaluating their own feelings while separated so, as a result of that, you will see behaviors that look very selfish and even downright condescending. However, once your husband decides that he wants to save the marriage and commit to you, then you might see him completely change course on this behavior. He may see that putting himself first got lonely and was not as great as he thought.  As a result, he may quickly abandon this stance. That is why it’s not always the best idea to make a huge deal out of this until you have to.

Taking Your Power Back Without Making Waves: That said, if the issue is really becoming problematic, you can try subtle ways to take your power back which hopefully will not create too many waves. For example, if you feel that he never takes your wishes or feelings into account, intervene to pause that process. If he suggests a restaurant which he knows is not to your liking, then you could say, “that is not going to work for me. How about we compromise and go with ________.” Or, when he talks about his move, you could say something like, “well, I’ll have to take this one step at a time because I obviously would have to think long and hard about moving. But we are probably getting ahead of ourselves by talking about that right now.”

I did this myself during my separation. When I would notice my husband getting this way, I would make myself unavailable a few times. This would usually get his curiosity up and he would treat me with more respect the next time. I kept myself busy with my own interests and made sure that he knew about it.

At the same time, I knew that I could not push too hard and create more drama and tension between us. I tried to keep it light-hearted when I begged off and I tried to avoid nasty confrontations. Because eventually, when my husband I began reconnecting again, he no longer acted this way. He started to make me a priority again and approach me as a large consideration in how he lived his life.

That is why you don’t want to always make this a huge deal – at least not until you are sure that it is a lasting issue. Sometimes, it passes on its own as the novelty of the separation begins to wear off. A newly-separated husband will sometimes want to spread his wings a little too much. But often, you only need to wait this out rather than making more waves between you and creating even bigger problems.

As I alluded to, once I stopped playing the victim and started playing the victor, things changed dramatically.  In fact, this was a big part of me getting my husband back.  That whole story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I’ve noticed that in the last couple of years, we’ve seen a lot of buzz phrases from couples who are trying to figure out the direction of their marriage with as little drama and pain as is possible. You may hear phrases like “conscious uncoupling” or “peaceful separation.” People are often confused about these seemingly contradictory phrases. Isn’t this a contradiction in terms? If you are by definition separated, how is this peaceful? And is this just a code phrase for the first step in a divorce?

No, from my experience, a separation does not always have to be the first step in a divorce. And yes, it can be peaceful if you and your spouse make a very conscious effort to make it so. It’s my opinion that couples who are very deliberate and thoughtful about their separations have a much better chance of reconciling and then maintaining a healthy marriage.

Peaceful, Or In Denial? I often hear from wives whose husbands are attempting to engage in a “peaceful” separation but the wives think that this is a ruse. They believe that their husband is pushing the peaceful angle to get them to go quietly into the night and just accept the separation without complaint. Many people do not understand how temporarily splitting up can imply anything harmonious. While I understand these concerns, I believe that this is not always the case.

In fact, I believe there are many benefits to trying to make your separation as cooperative as you can. I wish I had understood this concept during my own separation. None of this means that you want the separation or that you are just going to accept it without question. It simply means that you are trying to be your spouse’s continued partner rather than his adversary.

Reasons Couples Seek A Peaceful Separation: Today, we have much more information and studies about how contentious separations/divorces negatively affect our families. Many of us who are children of divorced parents can recall extremely tense situations when our parents were trying to navigate their separations and divorces. It was not unusual for children to be caught in this crossfire and even for things to become downright ugly. These same children might grow up and struggle to navigate their own adult conflicts because they had no one to model how to handle conflict with thoughtful compassion.

Even when no children are involved, the negative resolution of the conflict can hurt all involved. Dealing with a struggling marriage is hard enough without dealing with the pain of hurtful actions and behaviors during a separation.

Because of this, many parents and families agree that they will make family harmony a primary goal during their separation. This can happen even when there are no children involved. This means that the couple makes it a priority to treat each other with respect even when there are issues between them. Many agree to seek counseling at set times in order to work on their relationship. They do this because they know that even if they divorce, they want to maintain a positive relationship. Many couples who seek this kind of separation know that they will always be in each other’s lives. So, even if they are eventually no longer married, they still want to maintain a loving relationship.

This usually means that they will still celebrate family holidays and gatherings. They will still support and confide in each other. And they will treat each other as authentic family members regardless of what happens.

The Benefits: Sometimes, all of this working together actually inspires a reconciliation and a stronger marriage. Because you have made an agreement to treat each other with respect and reverence at all times, this will sometimes lead to an improvement in your relationship, which in turn helps you navigate the conflict that lead to the separation in the first place. This can be especially true if you are regularly working on your relationship.

However, even if this doesn’t happen, agreeing to a more harmonious separation can mean that the entire process is less painful for everyone involved. This can be a very difficult period in everyone’s life. Anything that you can do to make that easier can be helpful.

How To Get Your Spouse To Agree: If this all sounds good to you, but you’re frightened that your spouse is going to think you are “new age” if you mention it, consider phrasing it in a more direct way. You don’t have to use the buzz phrases to describe it. Consider something like, “to make this process easier, I’d like to talk about separating with compassion and cooperation. I want you to know that I still consider you to be the most important person in my life and I want us to maintain this important relationship no matter what happens. My goal is for this separation to ultimately bring us closer together. I know that our relationship may look different right now, but that doesn’t change how important you are to me. That doesn’t change how much I value your place in my life and I want to maintain this no matter what happens. Can we agree to this?”

Once he agrees, then brainstorm ways that you might accomplish this. Sometimes, this means meeting regularly or committing to counseling or some other mechanism like self-help that may improve your relationship. This may mean working together to make sure that family time continues and creating a united front with extended family.

I realize that phrases like “peaceful separation” sometimes feel like new age trends. However, I wish I’d approached my separation more peacefully. If I had, I might have been able to reconcile much earlier.  You can read more about how we eventually reconciled here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are not privy to how their husband feels during a trial separation. Often, he doesn’t exactly lie to you, but he keeps his feelings to himself. There are various reasons for this. Sometimes, he suspects that his wife is going to analyze everything that he says so it is just easier to not have to explain. Other times, he is unsure about what he is feeling (or his feelings change so often that it is not worth trying to verbalize them.)

These circumstances don’t keep wives from wanting to know what he is thinking and feeling. So, in today’s article, I thought that I would try to give some perspective on a husband’s thought process. I should preface this by saying that all husbands (and all marriages and their circumstances) are different. What is true of one husband may not be true of yours. Still, I thought it might be helpful to take what I’ve learned from my own husband and from other husbands who have spoken candidly with me about their own separations. I am hoping to take some of the mystery and fear out of this.

That said, I don’t want to paint this as all roses and sunshine. Being separated is often not our first choice and we can struggle to paint it as a positive no matter what our husband thinks or feels. I completely understand this, but I figure some perspective is better than no perspective at all.

Many Husbands Are As Torn As You Are: Many people who visit this blog are women who did not want the separation. So, the assumption would be that if you are reading this article, there is a good chance that your husband initiated the separation. You might assume that he was determined to go forward and sure that separation was the path that he wanted to take. However, this isn’t always 100% the case. Yes, many men convince themselves that separating is the prudent thing to do. But that doesn’t mean that they necessarily enjoy it or don’t have serious doubts about it.

Statistics show us that men are much more likely to remarry more often and more quickly in the event of a divorce. Why? Because men find comfort in marriage. It’s indisputable that married men are healthier and live longer. Many intuitively know that losing their marriage may negatively impact their lives. So yes, they can be just as torn and emotional as you are about this. But they are much less likely to show it.

Many Of Them Feel Loneliness, But They Won’t Necessarily Share This: Think about the adjustment that you have gone through if you are a newly separated wife. How quiet and odd does the house feel? Especially at night? We often assume that men don’t experience these same feelings because they initiated the separation. But, frankly, they often do. It is unrealistic to think that he is going to live in a strange house without his closest confidant being there for him and not then not feel off or lonely as a result. However, he may not admit this because – think about it. If he did, you’d likely think “well, you’re the one who wanted to separate and now you’re complaining about being lonely?” Yeah, that may not go so well for him. But many men that I have spoken with about this admitted that they went through bouts of loneliness and even depression while separated.

They Sometimes Feel A Bit Of Relief Too: I know that this might seem contradictory, but if you and your spouse had a volatile situation right before the separation or if your husband was craving more privacy and space, he may feel some relief to finally have a reprieve from the volatility. Many wives notice this when they are around their newly-separated husbands. However, this does not necessarily mean that he will always feel this way or that he’s decided that he is better off without you or without the marriage. It just means that it can be human nature to seek calm in the storm.

He Often Feels Nostalgic Feelings For You, But You Can Thwart That With Undesirable Behaviors: Believe it or not, many separated men admit to sometimes feeling longing and nostalgia when they are away from their wives. Once they are not with you all of the time, it is natural to miss you, no matter how bad things might have been. Many wives (including myself) are shocked at this because often, their husband acted in exactly the opposite way.

However, when my husband and I had frank discussions about this, I realized that much of the time, it was my own behavior that SOMETIMES caused my husband to react negatively to me. In his eyes, I was always demanded more reassurance, more information, and more guilt from him. At the time, he didn’t have these reassurances or the information that I wanted. But that didn’t stop me from pushing or from demanding it. As a result, sometimes he pulled away from me even when he was feeling nostalgia for me.

I make this point not to scare you but to caution you. When there is a separation that you didn’t want, it helps to make it work FOR you, not against you. One way to do this is to know that most of the time, your husband will at some point miss you and think longingly about you. Don’t sabotage this process by applying too much pressure during the separation. Instead, position yourself as someone who is at least trying to be supportive and patient. That way, when he does have those feelings, he has no reason to hide them or to keep this from you.

I hope that this article has helped. If you’d like to read the rest of the story of how I got my husband back. It is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By:  Leslie Cane: Many wives know that their lives may change significantly when their separated husband moves out. This can be scary and unsettling. As a result, many wives intuitively know that they should try to make this process easier. So they seek a sense of control over their living arrangements. Therefore, some wonder if they should redecorate in order to reclaim a sense of serenity.

Someone might say, “Is it a good idea to redecorate when you’re dealing with a marital separation? I don’t want to do anything that might hinder a reconciliation, but I’ve always hated my husband’s style when it comes to decorating. I feel like he forfeited his right to have any say when he moved out. Lately, I’ve been working on myself so I’d like to display motivational quotes and paint the walls with uplifting colors. I’d also like to change our bedroom to reflect my own taste. Since he no longer lives here, I feel that I have this right. However, some of my friends disagree. They say that these changes might upset my husband and that I shouldn’t rock the boat. Are they right?”

Why You’d Want To Change Your Surroundings: Many people do not understand how your surroundings reflect your mood and sense of security. Your home can have a huge impact on your well-being and relaxation. At a time when it may be difficult to let go and relax, making subtle changes to ensure maximum comfort can be important. Separating from your spouse and living alone can make one feel incredibly vulnerable and raw. Anything that you can do to counter this with feelings of security is worth trying. If changing color palettes and hanging meaningful sayings makes you feel better, go for it.

Expressing Yourself During A Difficult Time: During my own marital separation, many people had opinions about how I should live my new life. Ultimately though, it was MY life. I had to find my own way. This is only my opinion, but I certainly don’t see the harm in making easily-changeable tweaks to the decor. The framed quotes can easily be removed when and if they no longer serve you. Paint, bedspreads, and furniture are all easily changed.

Additional Considerations: I’m not sure that I would want to make expensive or lasting changes since your husband would move back in after a reconciliation. At that point, you would want him to feel at home. If his home has changed extensively, that might be an issue. So I would think long and hard about any changes that can’t be easily undone or explained away.

What To Say If He Comments On The Changes: One would hope that you are in regular contact with your husband. Or, even better, that you see him regularly. If so, it is a fair assumption that he will visit your home. When he does, he will likely notice the changes that you’ve made. And he may ask you about them. I would answer him honestly since you don’t want him to assume that you’re making a sole claim to your shared home or that you don’t welcome him back with open arms. I’d suggest something like, “I was looking for uplifting ways to cope with our situation. I wanted our home to become more of a sanctuary so I made a few changes to accomplish this. I was careful so that everything can be easily changed. I obviously want for you to feel at home here, so we can discuss how to reflect both of our personalities whenever you are ready.”

Maintaining Positivity After The Reconciliation: I would never want to insinuate that I wanted my own separation. I did not. But many positive transformations came out of it. I did much self-work and I became a stronger, more introspective person. I was thrilled to reconcile with my husband, but I also did not want to lose the individual progress that I’d made. Once you reconcile, hold on to any of the ideals reflected in your change of decor. In other words, don’t lose sight of your desire for uplifting boosts in mood or the need for inspirations to motivate you.

Reconciling with your spouse is a wonderful thing. But, in my experience, returning to the old status quo is the worst thing that you can do. Incorporate the positive experiences and insights that were hard-won during this difficult time. Continue toward growth. Sure, you may eventually change the decor when you reconcile to reflect the couple who lives there. But don’t return to the place that you were before the growth and transformation that strengthened you. Because frankly, two stronger individuals can’t help but make a stronger marriage. Any improvements you’ve made to yourself should improve your marriage. You don’t want to surrender these important gains.

I’d never say the separation was a positive thing or that the gains that I made were worth the pain, but it never makes sense to throw away growth. You can read more about my gains and how we reconciled at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If your spouse is pushing for marital separation and you don’t want this, it is safe to say that you have many concerns about the same. There may even be a precedent in your marriage where you and your spouse talk openly about whatever concerns and issues come up.

However, when it comes to the separation, you might find him shutting you down. He may either shoot down your concerns, refuse to hear them, or dismiss them out of hand. This can leave you frustrated and wondering how to proceed.

A wife might say, “my husband is pushing to move out and separate. This idea frightens me. I realize that we are having problems, but I think that one of us leaving is very drastic. I worry that we won’t see each other enough or that my husband will act like a single person sowing his wild oats. I sometimes suspect that he is just using the separation as the first act in a planned divorce. He’s trying to ease me into breaking up without revealing his true intentions. However, anytime that I attempt to bring up any of these concerns, my husband gets frustrated. He will basically tell me that no situation is going to be a perfect solution for us, but he will not address what I’ve said. For example, if I tell him I’m worried that he’s setting me up for a divorce, he’ll merely tell me that none of us can foresee the future. How do I get him to address my concerns?”

My Reality Check: My answer may not be what you want to hear, but I had this issue also. Now that my husband and I are reconciled, he has been more honest about his behaviors during the separation. He wouldn’t listen to my concerns because he was not going to be talked out of anything. He knew that I was trying to get him to stop and think about the particulars of separating. But he did not want to because he was determined to separate anyway, even if there were risks.

So no, he didn’t want to clarify how often we would speak or meet. And he didn’t want to reassure me that everything would be okay. He didn’t know if this would be the case. He did not want to commit to anything or to make me any promises.

I know that every husband is different. But if your husband resists confronting your concerns, it is either because he doesn’t share them or because he doesn’t want to face them. This doesn’t mean that he can’t or won’t eventually change his mind, though.

Phrases That May Help: Rather than begging or demanding that your husband address your “concerns,” you might try using alternative words and phrases. Instead, ask him to clarify how he envisions things working. For example, rather than saying, “I’m worried that we won’t speak enough,” ask him, “do you have any thoughts about the frequency and types of communication?”

His response may give you a wealth of information. Here is another example. Rather than saying “I’m afraid that we will drift apart and eventually divorce,” try “how are we going to ensure that we stay close?”

In this way, you are not bombarding him with your concerns, you are asking him to collaborate with you. This is setting you up to work together, which you are going to need anyway in the weeks to come. And your husband is much more likely to respond positively to this stance.

Don’t Assume The Worst: I know that it may be disheartening to realize that he won’t hear your concerns because it’s possible that he wants to move forward with the separation. But this doesn’t mean that he will not change his mind later. My own husband basically refused to discuss undesirable topics during talks of our own separation. But after some time had passed, he was willing to negotiate a reconciliation.

Separated men can and do change their minds. They often want to see how space and the time away will make them feel. They don’t want anything to discourage this process. But once the process is over, they may realize that they are ready to move forward. Or they may see that they were wrong in their assumptions. Your husband may think that he is going to be happier living without you. But he may find that the opposite is true. Then you may see a change in attitude.

What Are You Supposed To Do In The Meantime?: In my experience, it’s best to turn a time of uncertainty into a time of transformation. You can’t control your husband’s reluctance to communicate. And continuing to debate may frustrate you both. But you can control yourself. You can monitor your own thoughts and actions. Tackle your own issues. Maintain positive communication with your husband. Sometimes, things don’t turn out as badly as you feared, even if you never get your concerns addressed. Whatever you can do to remain positive will help.

As tempting as it might be to want clarity immediately, pushing for it can make things worse. Allow time to be on your side. Have quiet confidence that your husband loves you, that your marriage is worth saving, and that you belong together. The rest may eventually take care of itself. You may well need to sort out your issues when you are on solid ground again. But don’t attempt that until things stabilize between you.

I know that this process can be frustrating, but try not to fear the worst. He may not want to hear about your concerns now, but that can change. And when it does, you will be in a good position because you did not continuously debate with him. You will have positioned yourself as his collaborator rather than his adversary.

As I alluded to, I had to eventually use this strategy with my own husband, but it took me far too long to embrace it.  Once I changed my stance, things changed for the better.  The rest of that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when a husband announces that he wants a separation, he will let many unpleasant realities slip out. He may reveal hurtful secrets. He might say the marriage was a mistake or that he chose you based on attributes other than love. For example, sometimes a husband might admit that he chose his wife not because he was madly in love with her but because she was “safe.”

Understandably, this same wife can be devastated by this admission and unsure about what it might mean for her marriage. She might say, “for the past several months, my husband has been hinting that he isn’t happy. For the last several weeks, it has become obvious that he may move out or leave me. I have tried to get him to open up, but he just tells me that he needs some time. Well, last night he told me that he wanted to separate. He did not give any details about what this ‘separation’ would entail but admitted that he’s unsure if he feels the way that he should toward me. I told him that I wanted him to be more specific. Does he not love me? Is he not attracted to me? I didn’t understand his words. So he finally admitted that he married me because I’m ‘safe’ and because his previous fiance was such a drama queen that I looked stable and safe by comparison. He thought that stable was what he wanted but now he realizes that passion is missing from his life. I am devastated by this. Basically, my husband is telling me that he chose me because I am boring. And now he’s saying that he doesn’t want boring. Where does this leave me?”

I understand how you feel. During my own separation, my husband let hurtful things slip also. He would often tell me that we were very different people who were incompatible. The irony of this was that when we were dating, he would brag about what a perfect match we were. During our separation, he would say that I was too risk-averse and conservative. But when we were dating, he would praise these attributes. It may make you feel better to know that now that we have reconciled, he once again values my careful demeanor. Below, I’ll list some possible reasons for your husband coming clean about your “safe” demeanor and some tips on how to process this and move forward.

The “Safety” Discussion May Be An Excuse: As I alluded to, your husband claims about “safety” may be less than valid. He may be struggling to come up with justification for his wanting to separate. He may be unable to articulate why he is so unhappy and why he needs this space. So, he’s attempting to offer a benign reason. Likely, he didn’t put a lot of thought into his response and he underestimated how much this was going to hurt you. It is quite possible that he actually values your reliable, steady, dependable personality. Who wouldn’t? Most people would prefer a spouse who always has their back and who will make sound decisions. To many, this would be preferable to a spouse who always creates drama and conflict. Don’t read too much into this. He likely said it in the heat of the moment and it may be inaccurate.

Dealing With The Immediacy Of The Separation: Right now, your most important hurdle is actually the separation and not the “safety” issue. So it is better to shelf what your husband has said and instead focus on maintaining positive and regular contact while you are separated. This is far more important than dwelling on a few careless words. You can sort out the issue once you begin reconciliation negotiations. But what you do and how you act right now may greatly impact your ability to reconcile. So place your focus on making positive gains with your husband. As difficult as it may be, try to keep things light and upbeat. I know that it is difficult to be laid back and playful while you feel desperate and scared, but often, desperation will actually scare your husband away. If you want access to him, you must hang back and maintain a low-pressure situation.

Sure, in a sense you are downplaying how you really feel. But you will have time to sort everything out once your marriage is in a better place. Right now, your marriage is fragile. Attempting to deal with very difficult issues will often do more harm than good. It is better to wait until your marriage is on a strong footing again.

Evaluating The True Issues: Once you have reconciled, you may want to revisit this “safety” issue. However, when you do, keep in mind that your husband’s description may not have been valid. Once your husband does not have your daily, steady influence in his life, he may find that he greatly values it. After all, there is a reason that he decided to marry someone who possessed it. Deep down, he knew that he needed stability in his life. Be careful that you don’t reject what is really an asset.

In truth, you can not change who you are. I am never going to become a risk taker. It is just not in my nature. But what I can do is to allow myself to take safe risks in order to have more fun in my life and in my marriage. This is ultimately what I chose to do once my husband and I reconciled. I asked myself if his complaints were valid. A few were. I am overly cautious and this sometimes meant that I didn’t participate in activities that my husband would enjoy. So when I caught myself hesitating to take safe risks, I stopped. As a result, we traveled more. I became somewhat more adventurous in my tastes and activities.

In some ways, I will probably never change. I am never going to throw money away or make risky investments. My conservative nature with money actually benefits my husband and saves him from his impulsive nature. But I have learned to strive for compromise. I now allow myself to turn down my conservatism when it comes to activities and outings that might enhance our marriage and increase the fun that we have together.

Perhaps this strategy could work for you? There’s more about how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many couples attempt a trial separation instead of divorce in part because of their children. Many realize that the ideal situation means that children grow up in a home with both loving parents. Of course, this isn’t always possible. And many healthy, happy, and well-adjusted people have divorced parents. But, couples understandably want to try and make their marriage work for the benefit of their kids. But those same parents often are not sure what they should tell their children about the situation.

Someone might ask, “my husband is insisting on a trial separation. He acts as if this is some sort of consolation prize in lieu of divorce. But he’s giving me absolutely no choice in it. He doesn’t know if he will move out. I honestly think it all depends on whether he can find a cheap apartment that we can afford. However, he has clarified that this is all going to happen within the next couple of weeks. I am unsure about what to tell my children. We are in agreement that we want to protect them. My husband is a wonderful father. I trust that he will do what is right. I know that I too want to do what is right for my kids, but I don’t know what ‘right’ consists of. I wonder if I should prepare them for a divorce, just in case. I also worry that they will know something is wrong with me because I’m sad about this. What is the best approach?”

I can tell you my opinion, but I would strongly suggest that you ask a qualified counselor who is knowledgable about the aspects of your situation. There are often many variables to consider and everyone’s situation (and children) are different. The age and maturity of your kids are part of the equation also.

You Are Not Divorcing: Use the trial separation to your advantage. You are separating to shield your kids from the pain of divorce, so I’m not sure why you’d want to prepare them for a divorce that may not happen. Doing so will only make them worry about a reality that may never come true.

I told many family members and friends about my own trial separation and I later regretted doing so. Once my husband and I reconciled, I was ready to move on, but some people still wanted to talk about old grievances and sorrows. Some of my friends and family never forgave my husband, which changed the dynamic of my relationship with them. It was painful and it made me feel conflicted and torn. I loved my family. I loved my husband. And I mourned that these relationships changed.

Maintain All Relationships: Your goal should be for your children to maintain wonderful relationships with both of their parents. Telling them the details of your separation might change this important dynamic. That is why I would not involve them in your marriage unless you absolutely have to. There is no reason to worry them prematurely. With any luck, you will reconcile, your home will be happy again, and you will not have upset them.

Present A United, Loving Front: Whatever you tell your kids, you both should agree about what you will say and how you will say it. Telling your kids two different versions of the story is confusing to them and potentially damaging to you. Talk with your spouse about what you will say and then make sure you both stick to the same story. Also vow that you will say only positive, loving things about one another.

Make Family Time A Continued Priority: No matter what you tell your kids, they may see less of their dad while he is taking this time. Therefore, it’s vital to schedule family time where you can be together. You may opt for regular meals or fun activities, but make sure the kids know that you are still (and will always be) functioning as a family. Keep your husband informed about your kids’ lives, including school, friends, extracurricular activities, etc. so that he still feels like a very involved parent. If not, your kids will feel that void.

What You’ll Say: Again, I would strongly suggest working with a counselor who knows your unique situation, but if your husband will live with you, I don’t see the need to share a lot of details. If they notice that he is away more, you may just mention that dad needs a little more time to sort out some personal matters. If he will move out, then perhaps tell them that you have some adult issues that you are working on, but they needn’t worry.

They may worry anyway, which is why it is so important to present a united, positive front and show them two involved, loving and attentive parents who aren’t going anywhere.

I know that you feel you are going to be sad and you may be right about this, but, as best as you can, try to limit displays of sadness. I used to cry in the shower since it was only me who could see.

Sometimes, having to care for and worry about the well being of someone else is actually a blessing because it forces you to focus on something other than your own problems. You may not feel like putting on a happy, positive face for your kids, but once you do, you might find that you actually feel a little better. You may be “faking it until you make it” but sometimes faking it can actually lead you to feel the emotions that you are faking. At a time like this, that can be a blessing.

Above all, give yourself credit for putting your kids first.  Many couples go straight to divorce, but you didn’t make that choice because you are thinking of your kids.  That is to be commended. The next step is trying to save your marriage to maintain your happy family.  You can read more about how I saved my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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