Leslie Cane Articles

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who visit this site are very clear on the fact that they are not the one who initiated the separation. They never wanted it. Many of them fought to keep it from happening. And now that it has, they can feel as if they have been discarded without having any say in this process. Needless to say, one can initially feel very bitter about this. However, as we all know, feeling bitter is unpleasant and can make a bad situation worse. More importantly, if this bitterness seeps through when you are around our spouse, it can limit or prevent your ability to reconcile. For many of us, reconciliation is going to be the most effective way to address our bitterness.

However, it is not the only way. I often hear wives say things like, “It’s just not fair. He gets to do all this soul searching and then he gets to decide that he’s not happy and that he might want to just throw everything away. It’s as if he doesn’t care how this affects me or the kids. So our lives all get turned upside down while he gets to try and find himself. I wish I had this luxury. And I’m bitter that he would do this to us. But I know that I need to try to stop this or at least hide it. Because my husband is already reluctant to spend time with me as it is. How do I move past my bitterness?”

I completely understand what you are saying. I initially felt bitter, depressed, and hopeless during my own separation. Frankly, I wallowed in these feelings for longer than I should have. I am not proud of this today. But it was almost as if I wore my bitterness as a badge of honor because it showed how much I loved and missed my husband. Today, I can see how flawed and dangerous this thinking was. Thankfully, I eventually moved past this, especially when it became obvious that it was so detrimental to a reconciliation. Below are some ways that I accomplished this.

Know What A Gift Your Marriage Was (And May Still Be) I know that this might sound sappy, but it is important to be grateful for a thing, even if that thing may not be yours forever. For example, after an elderly dog passed away, I was truly devastated. She’d been with our family for many years and I was lost at her passing. I told my father that I never wanted another dog because of the pain. He hugged me and asked, “if you had known what this feels like when we brought her home, would you have still wanted her?” I had to admit that of course, I would have. She brought so much more joy to my life than sorrow. Yes, losing her was a gut punch. But that was the price I paid for years of loving her.

I began to think about my marriage in the same way. I hoped that we would one day reconcile (which we eventually did.) However, I had to admit that, even if we didn’t, I would not have changed anything. Because we still had wonderful years together. The separation could not erase this. I grew up so much during my marriage. I learned how to stand in a very intimate relationship. These were lessons that I would not trade and would take with me no matter what happened.

Sure, we all want to reconcile and hopefully, most of us can. But the pausing of something should not negate the gifts that it brought into your life. Be thankful for those gifts. (Some people get children from their marriage. This is a lifelong gift that no one can take away.)

Shift Your Focus When Bitterness Hits: I used to find that I was most likely to feel bitter in two situations – when I was alone or when I was in a situation where I was reminded of happy couples. So, I tried not to allow myself to wallow in loneliness. I took some classes. I went out with friends. I found that volunteering helped to remind me of the blessings that I still had in my life and the usefulness I still had to offer. Whatever you do, don’t just sit still in the bitterness. Address it before you become too comfortable in it.

Respectfully Stick Up For Yourself If You Need To: One of the reasons that I felt bitter was because I felt like my husband was putting his needs ahead of my own. He was the one who wasn’t happy and suddenly everyone else had to put their life on hold. This came out in other ways, too. If we were going to get together, it was always on his terms or at his convenience, at least at first. This bothered me. And I found myself lashing out about it, which of course made things worse. It is not in my nature to create conflict and I knew that doing so would hurt my chances for reconciliation, so I learned to address this in a very non-confrontational way. When my husband would assume that I would be available on a moment’s notice, I’d begin answering with statements like, “Oh, you caught me on an inconvenient day. I’d love to, but can we shoot for tomorrow?” Over time, this trained him to respect me and my time a little more. And he began to treat me with more respect, which in turn made me less bitter.

If there is something that is really bothering you and making you feel disrespected, you may want to address it in a very nonconfrontational way. My addressing it actually made reconciliation more likely. If I’d continued to allow my husband to disregard me (and he wasn’t being intentional about it and didn’t realize he was doing it,) our marriage would have continued to deteriorate. But by getting around it in a positive way, I cleared a path for a better relationship between us.

It is actually understandable to feel bitterness right now. No one can fault you. But do what you can to push back against this. Separation is hard enough without allowing negativity into your life. Notice when you are feeling bitter and then do whatever you can to interrupt and address this process. Always ask yourself what you can do right now, tomorrow, and next week to shake yourself out of it.

You’re welcome to read about my reconciliation after my separation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: The emails that I get are often from the spouse who wants to remain married and who wants advice on how to get their husband, wife, or partner back on board. Typically, one spouse will say, hint at, or act like they don’t want to be married anymore, but this is not at all the way that the still committed spouse feels. They very much want to save the marriage and are looking for the best ways to do this while still leaving their dignity and place in the marriage intact.  So, in the following article, I’ll go over some ways to get your husband to WANT to stay married to you when you seem to be (at least right now) the only one who wants this.

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By: Leslie Cane: When many of us have been in a relationship as important as our marriage, we can begin to define ourselves by it, at least in part. We come to identify ourselves as a wife, or as part of a family. So when that coupling is questioned or is paused, it can literally feel as if we have lost a part of ourselves. And frankly, when we’ve always had our spouse around to be a part of our daily lives, we can feel the void very deeply when we are separated and now have to do everything on our own. Frankly, we can feel downright lost and unsure of how to fill our days in a productive way.

Here is the thought process that someone might have: “My husband and I are going through a trial separation. It was more his idea than mine, but even I have to admit that things were very tense and probably not great for either of us. The problem is that we have been married for eight years and I have placed most of my focus on my family. I have good friends, but obviously my family came first. My husband and I try to split time with our kids equally during this separation. So when he has the kids, I honestly do not know what to do with myself. I feel so lost. I feel worthless because I don’t have any other way to fill my time. Normally, when the kids were away, I’d spend time with or talk to my husband. I can’t do that now. I’ve gone out with friends, but it’s awkward. Mostly, I just watch TV or read a book, but it makes me feel like a total loser. I almost want to reconcile with my husband just so I don’t have to face such horrible loneliness anymore. How do you figure out what to do with yourself during your separation?”

Why It’s So Important Not To Become Isolated: I struggled with this also. I felt very lost. And in the early days of my separation, I found myself becoming very isolated and depressed. Luckily, I had people who cared about me and who tried to drag me out of my house and out of my funk, but I resisted this. They kept at it, though.  Most of the time, I’d go with them very reluctantly, but I always felt somewhat better afterward. Eventually, I made it a point to get myself out there. It was better for me and it was ultimately better for my marriage. I told myself that I might as well take advantage of this time and to rediscover myself again. I honestly think that this was a blessing and made me a more interesting and complete person, although it didn’t feel that way at the time. But it was the first step in getting myself (and my husband back.)

I had a girlfriend go through something similar when her child left for school. She’d been a stay-at-home mom, and she struggled. Her self esteem took a huge hit, because she’d always identified as a mom and suddenly felt like she wasn’t herself anymore. She had to start identifying as an individual who was still a mom, but who had to craft her days in a different way. She volunteered, she worked out, she learned new skills. She took on a hobby that eventually became her career. She’s very happy when her son comes home, but she’s not dependent on him for her happiness anymore.  Isolation is dangerous because it feeds on itself and makes you dwell on what you do not have – not on what you do have and on the future possibilities.

Finding Opportunity In New Circumstances:  I think that finding balance and making the best of the situation is always what you’re going for. Of course you want your marriage to work out, but you also want to take this opportunity to work on yourself and to try to make the best of what lies in front of you. If you’re not happy with how things are right now, get out, see friends, volunteer, see extended family, or do whatever will make the days go by faster and will feel more productive. I always found it beneficial to help others. Even when I felt a little down and didn’t want to see anyone, I would make crafts for charity. This was soothing and I was still being productive and helping someone else, rather than wallowing in what I didn’t have. I was focusing on what I DID have and on how I could help someone else.

I know that things are difficult right now, but there are so many things you still have – your health, your strength, your extended family. You may as well use this time to your advantage so that if you do reconcile with your spouse, you will be a stronger, and better, version of yourself. And if you don’t, well, at least you will be in a better position to handle that.

Loving Yourself Enough To Get Your Best Self Out There:  There were weeks where I felt absolutely hideous during my separation. I would mope around in sweats and dirty hair.  For my birthday, a friend bought me a makeover.  Of course, I did not redeem it. But she continuously asked me when I was going to use it and not waste her money. So I eventually dragged myself there to quiet her nagging. Plus I felt horrible that she cared enough to do this kind thing for me and I could not receive it.  And I came home looking and feeling like a different person.  My husband did a double-take when he saw me, but, more than that, I felt better. I was less hesitant to go out and this improved my situation dramatically.  You don’t necessarily need a complete makeover, but you should make sure you feel as confident as you can. Ditch the sweats. Trust me.

Pacing Yourself: I also think that you have to take things one day at a time. I spent many a night in front of the TV. I’m not altogether proud of that now, but sometimes, we need a few nights to lick our wounds so that in time we can come back stronger. Don’t beat yourself up too badly for reading a book or watching a show. Just don’t make a habit of isolation so that you never venture out. In my experience, the more isolated I was, the easier it was to be sad and to dwell on the separation. The busier I was, the more quickly time passed and the more quickly the reconciliation became possible. I honestly believe that the reconciliation was possible in part because of the changes I made to myself during it.  Get yourself back! You deserve it.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages. Or, if a separation or divorce has happened, I sometimes try to help the wife to get her husband back (so long as the relationship was a healthy one worth saving.) Often times, I’m contacted by wives who want to know the “signs that my husband wants me back.” In other words, they want to know what to look for to prove that there is still hope of getting back together. Every husband is different, of course. So the signs can be bit individual. However, there are some universal signals that can tip you off that the marriage is not really over (even if he doesn’t yet know it or can’t or won’t admit it to himself or to you.) Below, I’ll list many of the signs and signals that I commonly see which may indicate that your husband just might want you back – or at least is coming around.

Anything Other Than Indifference: The behavior that is a dead give away that the marriage is officially over is indifference. When a person can honestly and seriously say (although they wish their spouse or ex no ill will), that they truly don’t care what happens in the future, this is a tip-off that they really are done. They have let go once and for all. They don’t keep track of you. They don’t initiate contact. They aren’t at all interested in what is going on with you. They’ve moved on with no ill will and complete, healthy closure. (This is rarely the case that I see, though. But, when you see complete indifference, you really are in trouble.)

With that said, anything other than this offers hope. Wives will often tell me things like “my husband says he hates me,” or “we can’t even stand to be in the same room together,” etc. I will often reply that this is actually a positive sign and I’m sure the wives think that I am crazy, but here’s the truth. If there wasn’t some glimmer of emotion and interest left, then these very strong feelings (even if they appear to be negative) would not be revealing themselves. If your husband truly had no affection or interest left, then he wouldn’t react at all. The fact that he is reacting strongly gives him away. (I wish I had understood this. I responded to strong reactions with my own.  This just got me further from reconciliation.)

Strong Emotions (Even Negative Ones) Can Be A Tip-Off That Your Husband May Eventually Want You Back: Your husband or ex may be making a total jerk of himself. He may be confrontational and insulting. He may be angry and he may insinuate that you aren’t a good parent or that you are conducting yourself in an undesirable way. Here’s the question that you have to ask yourself. Why does he care? Where is this concern coming from? If he had really moved on, would he really be reacting this way? Even though his behavior is annoying and unbecoming, ask yourself why it is coming out like this. Because if he didn’t care at all, you really wouldn’t hear from him at all.

Is He Trying To Take The “Concerned” Approach?: The other side to this same coin is the husband who takes the “concerned” or “protective” approach. In this scenario, the husband will maintain that things are over but will feign guilt and sort of hover or keep an ear out, under the pretense that he wants to make sure that you and the children (if you have any) are OK. The pretense goes that even if you aren’t married or together, you can maintain a positive relationship because it is healthier for all involved. A few husbands actually mean this. But, some use this approach to “feel out” the situation and see if by creating positive interactions, he can determine if the “spark” is still there.

Or, another angle of this same tactic is trying to keep tabs through mutual friends. Or, running into you because he knows your habits and where you’ll be. Again, if he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t go out of his way.

What To Do If You See Any Of The Signs That May You Suspect Your Husband Wants You Back: The worst thing that you can do is to call your husband on this or ask for clarification. I see many women do this and it almost always turns out badly. The husband becomes scared off because you’re asking him to define something that is probably confusing to him and this brings about negative emotions. If you want your husband back, your primary goal has got to be to establish a series of positive interactions that build upon themselves until you are back on solid ground.

So, if your husband is hovering, trying to keep tabs, or keeps making excuses to run into you, go with it and indicate that you appreciate his concern and agree that you want the relationship to be a positive one, no matter how things turn out. Take it day by day and concentrate on positive, light-hearted, fun, interactions.

If your husband is taking the negative approach, be confident in the fact that he wouldn’t be doing these things if he didn’t care and don’t allow yourself to respond in a negative way. Explain to him that no matter what happens between you, he’s too important to you to allow things to deteriorate this way. He may not believe this at first, but you’re going to show him with your actions, not your words. Again, your goal is to create positive interactions that build upon themselves. Don’t try to define where this is going or push. Just take it day by day.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too late to see and act on these signs. I misread his negativity and I, too, stooped to negative behavior that deteriorated things further. I eventually came to my senses and turned things around, though.  You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I received an email from a very frustrated and confused wife who told me that her marriage was falling apart and she had no idea how to proceed because everything that she tried only seemed to make things worse. She’d tried confronting the problem head-on. She’d tried having a deep, heart to heart discussion with her husband. She’d tried lavishing him with affection and attention. She’d tried to downplay the issue hoping that it would get better on its own. And, as a last resort, she’d tried to play hardball – becoming angry and demanding to know exactly what it would take to get through to her husband. I understand why these tactics seemed reasonable at the time. I tried many of them myself. (More on that here.) But, many of the tactics that seem perfectly right at the time backfire on you in the end. In the following article, I’ll tell you what I’ve seen work the best (time and time again) to save a marriage that is falling apart.

Don’t Get So Caught Up On Why The Marriage Is Falling Apart: I know that it may sound contradictory when I say this, but many people focus too much on the “why” and not enough on the “how.” What I mean by that is that many spouses will assume that if they can just pinpoint the pivotal issue and fix it, then all of the other issues and tension will fall away. So, they corner their spouse and try to talk them to death. They ask a million questions, offer up countless scenarios, and try to force the spouse to open up their soul at that particular moment in time.

Here’s the problem with that. It’s very common that your spouse can’t exactly put his or her finger on the exact problem or what it would take the fix it. More often, what you’ll get is vague answers like “I just don’t want to be married,” or “I’m just not happy,” or “I’m just not feeling it anymore.” Many people will assume that these answers mean that their spouse is being deceptive, or doesn’t really want to work things out. This is not always the case. Often, people don’t really know the EXACT reason that they are feeling disconnected. They just know that something is “off” and that things feel tense and wrong. They are feeling many more negative than positive emotions right now and they want to escape this so they distance themselves or check out.

Often the heart of most marital problems really comes down to lessening intimacy and connectedness and a breakdown of communication. This is usually the precursor to all of the other secondary and negative things that will come after it (fighting, misunderstandings, tuning out, infidelity, etc.) However, these problems usually intensify when the issues are attempted to be fixed in the wrong way. Frustration mounts and then the spouse who has pulled away retreats even more because he or she is being forced to delve into something they’re trying to avoid in the first place. There is a way to work through these issues by coming at them in a different way that often gets a more welcome reception, which I will discuss now.

Break Saving Your Marriage Down Into Little Positive Pieces, Day By Day: Very often, I see spouses panic and try to fix everything in their marriage overnight. They will bombard their spouse with attempts to “work” or “talk” things out. Please know that what your spouse is hearing is the word “work.” This sounds more negative than positive so it’s likely that they aren’t going to embrace this. You want to offer them a solution that they can be excited about. This is half the battle.

So, you want to tell them straight up and always imply that from now on, you just want things to be better between you. Stress that you aren’t going to engage in behaviors that will run counter to this and that you can’t bear the tension and the stress. Explain that you both deserve to be happy and although you know that you can’t fix everything overnight, what you can control is your day to day interactions.

As simplistic as it sounds, your goal right now is really very simple. What you want and need to do is to create as many positive and light-hearted interactions as you can. What you’re trying to do is to change how your spouse associates you and the marriage. Because right now, they very likely have quite negative associations that are getting worse all the time. Your job is to make sure that they experience positive feelings when they think of you and the marriage. This may seem like a tall order, but you’re going to break it down into small steps, day by day.

In truth, you know what it takes to make your spouse happy. You once made them so happy that they married you. Take some time and really ponder who your spouse fell in love with and contrast that to the person that your spouse is sitting across from today. I don’t ask you to do this to make you feel negative or bad. But, when I did this exercise myself, it was a huge eye-opener for me. My husband fell in love with a positive, happy go lucky, light-hearted girl who understood, valued, and listened. What he had now was a scattered, fearful, nagging woman who was acting as she was because she didn’t want to end her marriage (but her actions were reading negative all the same.)

Come at this from a positive place, as someone who knows, understands, and values your spouse and wants to lighten their load. You already know how to do this. But, somewhere along the line, life became more hectic and complicated. That’s OK because you’re going to change that right now. Always remember that at the end of the day, your spouse wants exactly what you want – a healthy marriage with a spouse who understands you, appreciates you, and values you. If you give your spouse these things on a regular basis and focus on creating positive interactions, I suspect that things are going to start looking better in the very near future.

When my own marriage was falling apart,  I did not understand these principles, I focused on the negative, and my husband retreated.  When I changed this stance, things changed. That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from frustrated wives (and sometimes husbands too) who are at their wit’s end or at a crossroads in their marriage. Typically, the marriage is in real trouble and the wife has done seemingly everything in her power to save it, but nothing seems to be working. I’ll often get comments like “when is it really time to give up on a marriage?” or “I think it may be time to throw in the towel because I’ve tried everything to save this marriage and nothing works. I just can’t live like this anymore.”

I understand the frustration. I’ve been in the same situation myself and I know how immediate and bleak everything can seem. However, I also know that if you’re researching are asking if it’s time to give up on your marriage, then deep down you’re likely not at all sure about the answer. I suspect that at least 99% of the folks who email me don’t want to give up on their marriages at all. They just want support and advice on how to turn things around. So, I’ll tell you a dead giveaway that it’s time to give up on the marriage (hint: you probably haven’t reached it yet.) And, I’ll also offer you some tips that may help to make things much better.

When Your Marriage Is Definitely Over: (Have You Reached This Point Yet?): Often, people will throw all sorts of bad scenarios at me and are surprised when I say that I don’t think that things have come to their natural end. It may seem weird when I say this, but even if you and your spouse are at each other’s throats, can’t stand to be in the same room together, or are clashing all the time, these things can actually be sort of a positive sign. Because, as long as one or both of you are still feeling strong emotions (even if they are negative right now), then there is still a chance.

Frustration, aggression, and anger are all signals that you care enough to feel these things. And, these negative feelings are not so far removed from the positive ones that you used to experience. Honestly, I’m often much more worried if someone tells me that they (or their spouse) are feeling nothing at all.

Because, at the end of the day, the number one indicator that a marriage is truly over is indifference. If both you and your spouse can look at each other or interact with absolutely no emotions (either positive or negative), then this is likely a signal that nothing is left. Typically, in this scenario, you’ve put all of your cards on the table. You’ve left nothing unsaid. You’ve tried everything that might work and then some. Both partners have given every effort, met in the middle, and have still come up short and both parties are fine and at peace with this. As I indicated before, this scenario is rare (at least for my readers.)

But, if you’re at this place, then it may be time to move on. If you can look at the situation without any sort of doubt, remorse, or hesitation, then you may really be at the end. However, I suspect if you’ve found this article, this is not your case. So, I’ll move on.

What To Do If You Don’t Want To Give Up On You Marriage: Hopefully by now, I’ve shown you that deep down in your heart, you don’t want to walk away from your marriage. You may suspect that you’ve left things unsaid or held back in some way or are at least still feeling strong emotions, but nothing has worked and you just aren’t sure what to do.

The first thing that I would say is that you need to change course. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, then it’s time to try something new and unexpected. Usually, this means coming at your spouse in a whole new way that sort of disarms them and changes things up.

The tactics that I very often see work are the ones in which you join sides with your spouse. You don’t try to change their mind, tell them that they’re wrong, or elicit negative feelings like guilt and shame. Instead, you tell them flat-out that you both deserve to be happy and that you want to help them to get what they want. You very much need to validate them. Make it very clear that although you want to save the marriage, you know that this may not be possible. (Even though you and I both know that you don’t believe this.) Tell them that you can control the direction in which the relationship goes. You can focus on creating goodwill between you, as your spouse is too important to you to let things end this way. So, you are going to control what you can – your actions and reactions to what they are doing.

Now, I’m not going to tell you this isn’t going to be a challenge. It will be at first because they likely aren’t going to believe you or be receptive. That’s OK. Just carry on in the same way. Don’t engage them. Don’t stoop to negative behaviors. Take it one day at a time and just focus on creating positive experiences and interactions. At the end of the day, saving your marriage all boils down to changing what they are perceiving and experiencing. You need to go from the negative to the positive. This sounds simplistic, but it is completely true.

You want to show them the woman that they first fell in love with. You want them to experience the fun, light-hearted things that made them fall in love with you. You want the two of you to be happy when you are together. I know that this likely seems so far away from where things are now. But again, baby steps. One day at a time. One smile at a time. When you are done, you want them to perceive you and the marriage positively. You know the woman who can do this – she’s you. She may be buried under the stresses of day to day life, but she’s in there somewhere and she’s the one who’s going to turn this thing around.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, it’s probably fair to say that you are now or will in the future be approaching a crossroads in your marriage and are not sure which fork in the road you should follow. This may be something that you have been forced into because your spouse is leaning toward separating or maybe the choice is yours alone. Whatever brought you to this decision, it’s a huge and difficult one.

With that said, I must tell you upfront that, except in cases of abuse, I believe that most marriages can be saved and are worth fighting for. And, I also believe that there are usually signs and signals right in front of you that are indicating that (even if you don’t know it yourself yet) you suspect that you want to fight for it. I’ll discuss these signs in this article.

You Are Experiencing Strong Emotions (Even If They Are Negative Ones Like Anger, Fear, Or Frustration): People often look at me like I am crazy when I respond to phrases like ” I can’t even stand the sight of my husband right now,” or “we are constantly fighting these days,” with something like “that’s great news” or “that’s actually a positive sign.”

I know it doesn’t sound correct, but it is. If you’re angry, frightened, or hurt, this means that you still care enough to experience these emotions. There is a very thin line between positive emotions like love and intimacy and negative emotions like fear and anger. They truly are not that far apart on the emotional spectrum. The truth is, if the bond between you was dead or if the marriage had gone completely cold, you would be completely indifferent.

When women say and mean things like “I don’t care what happens anymore,” or “I have completely moved on,” then (assuming these statements are true and not just defense mechanisms, which is sometimes the case,) I am more concerned because complete indifference is more an indication that the marriage is truly over than anger or hurt.

You Know That There Are Unresolved Issues Still On The Table, Things That Could Be Tried, Or Things That Have Been Left Unsaid: I suppose I am one of those people who believes that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. What I mean by that is that I often give people my blessing about their divorce if I know that they have done every single thing that they could do to save the marriage. However, I find that this scenario is rare and I completely understand this from experience.

In times of marital crisis, people tend to go in self-preservation mode. Your walls go up. Your negotiating, compromising, and listening skills become compromised. People begin to separate or distance themselves from their spouses so it is no longer “we,” it is “I.” What’s worse is that often you can’t even see that this is happening because you are so worried about rejection, emerging the loser in the fight, or feeling like you have “given in.”These things do absolutely nothing for your marriage, though. They are only causing more distance between you and your spouse. And, they are likely only making you less happy.

In my own marriage, there were several times when this whole process wore me down. My home became such a stressful, heavy place to be and every negotiation with my husband ended in an argument. This was so emotionally draining that there were times when I just wanted to throw up my hands and say “OK, I give up. You win. Go forward with the divorce and I will sign whatever you need me to sign because I can’t live this way anymore.”

Thankfully, I never went through with that. Because some little voice in my head and some little feeling in my heart was telling me that I still hadn’t laid all of my mature and rational cards on the table. Thank goodness for this. Because of this stubbornness, I am still married today. I was behaving and responding out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of appearing weak and needy, and fear that ultimately, despite all my efforts, it wouldn’t matter anyway.

To truly fight for your marriage and win, you have to be able to separate yourself from these things and know that this is not the time for keeping score or for worrying about showing any weakness. You have to open your heart, be willing to compromise, and be willing to let go of the “I,” and focus on the “we.”

You’ve Been Focusing On What Is Wrong Rather Than On What Was (And Can Still Be) Right: Here is the biggest mistake I see when people are trying to fight for their marriage. They approach it like, well, a fight. And, there has to be a winner and a loser. And because most people want to emerge the winner and they want for their spouse to see things their way, they want to talk this thing to death. They want to debate, strong arm, or “convince” their spouse that they are right.

Here’s the problem with that. All of these things elicit negative feelings and all of these things imply that your spouse is not capable of forming his own valid opinions and his own assessment of his needs. This is not the message that you want to send. Because even if you get lucky and “win” this one this time, it’s only going to be harder when you have to do it again and it only ultimately causes resentment from your spouse and pushes them further away.

You want to create positive emotions rather than negative ones. Sometimes, you need to put the core, heated, and tough issues on the back burner until your marriage is strong enough to withstand dealing with them. First, you need to restore feelings of closeness, empathy, and affection. You do that by focusing on what is right rather than what is wrong. You put the qualities that your husband used to love about you on full display. You focus on having fun or at least positive experiences and outcomes. You break this down into day by day, and by taking baby steps toward positive exchanges.

If you do this correctly, eventually, you will wake up one day and find out that the “we” has returned. And, this is when you can begin to sort out the issues that brought you here in the first place. But, you don’t want to do this until you are truly back on solid ground. And, since you’ve reached the end of this article, I must tell you that, (at least to me), this is an indication that you suspect that your marriage is indeed worth fighting for.

I always felt that my marriage was worth saving, but I went about saving it in the wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove him further away. I begged, engaged, argued, and behaved badly sometimes. Thankfully, I soon realized where I was going wrong and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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