I have gone into great detail about how I got through my own marital separation, so I won’t repeat that here. But one invaluable tool was a simple journal. I have kept a journal off and on since I was a child, so journaling comes pretty naturally to me. However, some additional suggestions from a therapist made my journaling even more therapeutic at a time when I needed it the most. So if you scroll down below, you’ll see free prompts that I hope you will find very helpful. It’s my way of saying thank you for being here.
Although journaling can provide a much-needed emotional release, it’s important that you don’t use your journal for constant rumination or pessimism. It’s normal to want to just throw your frustrations onto the page. But ideally, your journal will eventually become a stimulus for growth. If you read my articles, you know that I’m always encouraging separated wives to use this time to work on themselves. To that, end, this post is meant to help you do just that. Please note that journaling is not going to save your marriage (and I have plenty of other articles and resources on this blog that are meant to help with that, so feel free to look around or check out my “most read” articles by clicking here) But your journal might help you get more clear about YOU.
I know that therapeutic journaling does not come naturally to most of us. Like I was initially, you may be tempted to just fling your overwhelming emotions onto the page. And, like me, you might find that although this can help you release your emotions, it won’t do very much to help with growth and transformation.
So, in the coming days and weeks, I’ll be revisiting this post to offer journaling topics. These are only suggestions meant to get the pen moving. I’m not a counselor or mental health professional. These are just topics that I found helpful to either increase positive thinking and gratitude or to move forward.
Feel free to use whatever method works for you. Some people like to use a fancy journal with a special pen. Others are fine with a notebook and a pencil. I personally opted to keep an online journal that could be password protected during my own separation journaling. Do whatever makes you most comfortable. You want to be able to let down your guard and release whatever is needed.
Resist the urge to constantly (or solely) write about your husband or your separation. Yes, the separation is part of your life – which means that it will find its way onto these pages. Your husband is likely the most important person in your life, so of course, you will sometimes focus on him. However, these exercises are meant to focus on and elevate YOU. Don’t spend all of your time focused on something else. The idea is to define who you are, what you want, and how you can live your best life. Doing these things will ultimately help your marriage if you chose to go that route. But that is not the ultimate goal. The goal is to elevate you as an individual. Because two healthy individuals always make a stronger marriage.
I’m going to start with easy topics. If you are just beginning, you may want to go ahead and release your feelings or talk about your day just like a regular journal BUT always try to end on a note of gratitude, positivity, or reflection.
This focus on positivity and growth might feel flat out fake or evoke resentment at first. I get it. I felt it too. But stay with it. Over time, you will notice that you feel a little better when you finish the day’s entry. You may even begin to rush to your journal when you feel yourself moving toward negativity because you intuitively know that you need to be proactive in turning things around. Frankly, elevating yourself can actually help save your marriage if you are interested in that. Elevating myself actually meant that I could approach my husband in a much more attractive way. This made a huge difference.
More than anything else, journaling returns your sense of control. As you likely already know, one of the most frustrating things about a marital separation is that you can’t control your husband. You can’t always control your circumstances. But your journal gives you a place where you CAN retain some control over your emotions. And that can feel like a relief. Feel free to bookmark this page. (Or you can always type in “journal” into the search bar of this site.) I will try to add to it as often as I can. But don’t feel that you have to move onto the next prompt if you need a couple of days (or even weeks) to ponder each exercise. Go at your own pace. If a prompt is triggering, skip it. The idea is to feel better, not worse.
Prompt One: After you release anything you feel is needed or talk about your day, list some things that bring a smile to your face each and every time. If you feel up to it, describe why and how. Be specific. The more specific you are, the more you actually evoke the good feelings associated with your list. If I were doing this exercise, I would list dogs, coffee, good books, honest conversations, learning something new about history, and true friends, just for starters.
Prompt Two: Pretend that you are going on a trip or need to significantly pare down your life. You can only take a handful of things (outside of basic clothing.) I will leave the exact number of items up to you. But be very deliberate. What do you choose? Why? Why are these items so important to you? Why did you feel that they were necessary? This exercise is meant to help you define what is most important to you. The goal is to identify which things more bring you comfort. How often are you using, viewing, or drawing these things close right now? If so, why not? Make an effort to regularly surround yourself with the people and things that bring you joy. Be picky.
Prompt Three: Who do you admire? List the five people who possess attributes that you value. This can be people who you actually know or people that you have never met. Define the qualities that you admire in each person. Then list how you can incorporate some of these qualities into your own life. Sure, you may have to use these attributes on a smaller scale. We aren’t all as fearless as Amelia Earheart or as selfless of Mother Theresa. But we can certainly bravely put one step in front of the other during difficult times and still remember to help others. In the coming days and weeks, remember these attributes and try to use them in the face of challenges.
Prompt Four: Write about where (and how) you grew up. Describe your childhood. What were your parents like? Where (and how) did you live? How did your upbringing strengthen you? What challenges did it inspire? This exercise is meant to help you draw on the strengths that your upbringing instilled in you and guide you in letting go of what no longer serves you. When I did this exercise, I listed my rural home as a positive because it taught me that being in nature can heal me. As a result, I am still able to go to nature today when I need a boost. My parents were also hands-off, so I learned to be resilient. On the negative side, my parents had a difficult marriage and eventually divorced. I did not grow up learning how to navigate healthy relationships and that is unfortunate. However, this void doesn’t mean I am destined for a failed marriage. Instead, I could (and did) learn to build, navigate, and maintain a healthy marriage by seeking out resources to help me.
Prompt Five: List a couple of times that the odds were stacked against you, but you persevered anyway. Or, perhaps you faced everyday obstacles that you eventually overcame. Think about why you were able to triumph, despite any challenges. What attributes helped propel you forward? Can you use those now during a current challenge? Why or why not? Try to avoid making excuses. We’re not talking about what someone else can or should do. We’re talking about what YOU can do. In my own case, most of my triumphs come down to my own stubbornness. This attribute helped greatly during my own separation, although I had to downplay this at key times.
Prompt Six: Remember a time when you were single and alone, but very happy. What took up your day. What projects were you passionate about? What people did you surround yourself with? How did you fill your days? Write about a typical day during this time period. Ask yourself what made this period a fruitful time in your life. Then, look for ways that you can recreate the positive things from that time period right now. Perhaps you were so happy because you were pursuing a personal passion. Perhaps you had less stress because you were not worried about making someone else happy. Both of those things are actually in your grasp right now. Take five minutes and brainstorm ways that you can bring some happiness from the past into your current situation.
Here is my own example: The happiest time of my single life was when I was in college. I didn’t know anyone at first so I wasn’t even thinking about pursuing or maintaining a romantic relationship. Because of this, I was able to immerse myself in learning, research, and writing. I can’t make myself a carefree college student today, but I can try to streamline my life so that I have space for learning. I can research and write about topics that interest me the most. Sure, none of this will be for a grade or even seen by others. But it will be for my own peace of mind and betterment. That is enough.
Prompt Seven: Think about something you have done for someone else in the last couple of days. It could have been a kind gesture or a loving word. How did it make you feel? How can you incorporate more of helping others into your life right now? Research shows us that thinking outside ourselves makes us far happier and more deeply engaged. Even if you don’t intimately know someone who can use your help, there are many people who you don’t know who fall into this category. Doing charity work helped me immensely. List what causes are important to you and brainstorm ways to meet a need. None of us can change the world, but all of us can make teeny tiny efforts that make small differences. And small differences over time can be life-changing.
Prompt Eight: Think about difficulties in your life right now. How are you addressing them? Think about how often in the last week you have said, “I can’t” when addressing these challenges. Write these “I can’t” statements in your journal. Now, flip the script. Instead of saying, “I can’t,” say, “How can I?” Write down these new statements. This shift is vital because it changes a defeatist mindset to a determined one.
When I did this exercise, some of my pessimistic statements were, “I can’t save my marriage,” or “I can’t be alone right now.” But when I changed these statements to, “how can I save my marriage?” and “How can I make some changes so that I can thrive while being alone?”, things changed. My attitude brightened and a new determination came to the surface.
Make a note to yourself to come back to this prompt in a couple of weeks to write about how this shift improved things for you. Then list a new set of “I can’t” and a new set of “How can I?” If you do this enough, you will see a huge shift in your mindset.
Prompt Nine: Think of and then list three things that no longer serve you that you are ready to let go of. You do not have to list anything pertaining to your marriage or your separation if you are not willing to do so. If you are having trouble, try to identify behaviors that cause you pain or anxiety, that keep you stuck, or that your waste time. When I did this exercise, I came up with mindless television, living in fear and dread, and pessimistic thinking. Giving up on binging shows that I didn’t even like offered more time to pursue reading, self-improvement, and hobbies. Giving up fear and pessimism gave my anxiety a break and made interacting with my husband much easier.
Prompt Ten: List three adjectives you’d want people to use when describing you. Why did you choose these three words? Next, list three adjectives your loved ones would use to describe you right now. Do both sets of adjectives match? Why or why not? When I did this exercise, my desired adjectives were: creative, compassionate, and intelligent. However, I felt my loved ones would describe me as stressed, anxious, and compassionate. (One positive thing about my separation was that I immersed myself in charity work, so I was exhibiting compassion.) In my case, only one adjective matched for both lists. Admittedly, I was stressed and anxious due to fear about the outcome of my separation. However, I didn’t want these negative attributes to define me or to change how I lived my life. Therefore, I vowed to make better use of my creativity and intelligence. As a result, I started writing and making clothing for charity. Your turn.
Prompt Eleven: This prompt is going to encourage you to establish a daily practice of list-making. However, I am not talking about a typical to-do list. Instead, try making a list of the attitudes and behaviors you want to embrace for that day. Then list those you want to avoid. For example, on my “embrace” list, I might have included items like: remain positive, exercise for ten minutes, read uplifting content, journal, do something nice for others, reach out to one friend or loved one, and find a way to relax. On my avoid list, I might have included: pessimism, behaving in a way that would alienate my husband, overeating, having unkind thoughts, and listening to dark music.
At the end of the day, if you actually achieve an item from the list, cross it off. Notice where you are making progress and where you are falling short. I found these lists to be very effective in motivating me and discouraging my negative behavior. After a while, I grew very tired of seeing “exercise” still on my list every night and so I got serious about my health. I still make these lists because they are a great way to encourage awareness and accountability. When I cross items off my list, my positivity and productivity are higher.
Prompt Twelve: Today I’d like to talk about affirmations. I was very resistant to using this technique when it was first introduced to me. Affirmations felt hokey and forced. I felt like I was only pretending when I was using them. However, in a short period of time, I found them so helpful that I have continued using them. Here is the basic idea: As you read over your entry for the day, try to notice themes of fear and doubt. We tend to lament over the same old issues and feelings. To counter the negativity that continues to drag you down, use affirmations. For example, if your entry is filled with worries that your life is going down the wrong path, write these affirmations a few times each: “When I live my truth, the right path will always come into focus.” Or “if I am sincere in my growth, the universe will lay out the appropriate path for me.” Here’s another example. If you continuously bring up worries that you will be alone, write, “as long as I am open, healing, and caring, love will find a way.” Or try, “I am becoming stronger every day. I will attract the love that I deserve.” Use whatever wording feels most authentic to you, but find a way to flip your written fears and doubts into positive affirmations on the page. Write the positive phrases a few times each after each entry and watch your pessimistic thinking improve.
Prompt Thirteen: After writing about what’s going on in your life, quickly list five things you may have been in an alternate life. Don’t dwell on this too much. List whatever comes to your mind before all the “buts” find their way into your thoughts. For example, I thought of “musician,” but I only played in the high school band. These types of “buts” are fine. Write down whatever comes up without worrying about the rest. After you have a list, ask yourself how you might incorporate these alternate lives into your current life. When you are separated, you can struggle to fill your time in productive ways. But, when you pursue old passions, this becomes easier. After this exercise, I began reading tons about the Tudor era (since “historian” and “librarian” were on my list.) I also picked up my old instrument, just for fun, and I began listening to classical music. Doing this exercise is meant to expand what you are thinking about and pursuing right now.
Prompt Fourteen: Today, I’d like to suggest a way to thwart negative emotions and rumination. If you find yourself repeatedly writing about difficult circumstances or emotions, release those emotions, but don’t stop there. Always try to end your journal with a positive call to action. A phrase that I found helpful was, “What is the kindest thing I can do for myself right now?” Then, answer this question for yourself. Once you have your answer, take action. After a while, you will have a nice list you can refer back to when you feel down. And you will get into the habit of noticing negative feelings, releasing them, and then figuring out how to get out of them.
Prompt Fifteen: Today I would like you to make a different type of list. Write down twenty of your favorite activities. But be careful. This exercise is not asking for the regular activities you enjoy out of necessity. For example, I was tempted to put “binge-watching TV” on my list. But in reality, I only enjoyed this activity because of my circumstances at the time. In a perfect world, binge-watching would not have made the list. (This activity allows for a perfect world.) So I revised my list to include activities like attending a Broadway play, traveling someplace new, viewing art, and experiencing nature. Once you have your list, estimate the last time you did each activity and note the appropriate date. I was sad to see that it had been too long since I’d had much fun. Now, pick one activity that you can do this week. Don’t make excuses. In my case, I tried to tell myself that Broadway plays are expensive. However, most shows offer a lottery. I won two Broadway lotteries that year. 🙂 Go back to your list each week and pick (and complete) one activity.
Prompt Sixteen: Today I would like to talk about contentment. I do not use the word “happy” in this context because I think it creates pressure. However, I believe that it is possible to be content despite challenges. Write from the following prompts:
If I were content, I would __________.
My contentment would affect my family and friends in the following ways: ______________.
If were content, my life would look like this: _____________.
A life of contention would mean the following for me: _____________.
Allow yourself to write whatever comes into your head. Leave your doubts behind for now.
When I did this exercise, I said that if I were content, I would uplift my family and friends. I believed that contentment would allow me to shed the feelings of dread and fear that I was always carrying around. I described myself as lighthearted, brave, charismatic, and playful.
Once you have your responses, go a little further. Ask yourself, “What is keeping me from these feelings and experiences right now?”
It is possible that your limiting beliefs are keeping you from contentment. In truth, I was waiting for things to resolve with my personal life before I allowed contentment. What a waste! I realized that I could feel content regardless of my immediate circumstances. There was no need to wait to uplift my family and friends. I did not need to delay dropping my dread and fear. Understanding this was a huge relief. This lightbulb moment improved the relationships that I was worried about in the first place. Now you try.
Prompt Seventeen: I want to take a look at habits. When I was separated, I developed some pretty destructive habits, like hanging out with people who enabled my pessimistic thinking. (Misery does love company.) Other destructive habits I picked up were overeating and watching mindless TV when I could have been doing more productive activities. For a handful of days, keep track of how you spend your time outside of school or work. Do you notice any destructive habits? I strongly encourage soothing rituals and extreme self-care. But honestly examine any rituals that have become habits. I eventually replaced my mindless TV with books, classes, and optimistic socializing with people who uplifted me. It’s very important that your habits propel you upward and not bring you down.
Prompt Eighteen: Let’s talk about your inner voice. I find it so common that most of us have supportive, insightful advice for friends and family members. However, we don’t extend these same courtesies to ourselves. The next time you are journaling about something wrong in your life, stop. Then immediately write this phrase, “if I listened to a compassionate, inner source of wisdom, it would tell me…” Then write for at least five minutes. Don’t censor yourself. Let it flow. When I did this exercise, I wrote something like, “my wise inner voice would tell me that I am wasting my life by always focusing on the negative. I am alive. I am healthy. But I’m not acting like it. Get up. Get moving. Eventually, the rewards will catch up. If not, at least you’ve created momentum and will feel better. Stop wallowing in what is wrong. Focus on the little miracles that are right.” Honestly, sometimes I had to do this a couple of times before I convinced myself that I had the answers inside of me. But I did. And so do you. Unfortunately, we usually save our most loving advice for people besides ourselves.
Prompt Nineteen: We’re going to keep going with our inner voice. Let’s talk about intuition. I firmly believe in it, but I will sometimes use this belief to engage in pessimistic thinking. Occasionally, I will convince myself that I “just know” something is about to happen. Most of the time, I am incorrect because I often assume the worst-case scenario. One way to avoid this catastrophic thinking is to ask your future self for guidance. I know this sounds bizarre, but hear me out. I believe that we possess inner wisdom that intuitively knows what we need, but we bury this voice. So spend a few minutes on these prompts:
If I asked my future self what I should do right now, I’d tell myself that …
My future self would tell me that my best next step is to…
Every time I did this exercise, I would get some variation on, “I would tell myself to calm down and embrace life because it is all going to be okay and I’m wasting time and contentment with my constant worry.”
Using your “future self” is another way to tap into your best self. Listen to what she has to say.
Prompt Twenty: I hope that you have experienced some insights from some of the above prompts. I also hope that there have been enough to make a difference. After I’d been writing in my journal for probably a month, I did notice substantial improvements. But in a few areas of my life, I remained stubbornly stuck. So I forced myself to look at why. I asked myself what was in it for me. I know myself well enough to know that I was operating under some payoff. I wouldn’t have dug in my heels otherwise. So I asked myself why I resisted connecting with others. I tended to isolate myself at the beginning of my separation. It took a page or so of writing before I had some honest answers. I suspected that I would feel more at home in my miserable comfort zone than I would if I branched out and felt vulnerable with others. I also felt (however wrongly) that by interacting with people who weren’t my husband, I was loosening my grip on my hopes for marriage reconciliation. Once I forced myself to interact with close friends and family at first and, eventually, people outside of my inner circle, I found that my worries were unfounded. I was still dedicated to a reconciliation, but I was in the land of the living again. Identify where you are stuck and ask yourself what is the payoff for remaining stuck. Then challenge these beliefs and free yourself.
Prompt Twenty One: I have written about filling your days with activities that uplift you, and I cannot stress the importance of this. However, I’d like for you to think about going a little further. Sometimes, we do so well with activities that make us content that we get complacent. To access how you might go from contentment to ecstatic joy, write about what you’d do tomorrow if you won the lottery. This is a very difficult prompt because most of us cannot imagine this reality. Try anyway. When I did this activity, I listed traveling the world, writing novels and returning to college. I let that writing sit for a few days, and I re-visited the prompt to try to bring ecstatic happiness into my life – at least a little. I figured if I fell short, I’d still feel happier if I implemented some of what I wrote. Europe was not feasible due to time and expense. But traveling to places closer to home was doable. Writing a novel would have meant taking on too much, but smaller goals were easily achievable (and eventually lead to what you are reading right now.) And going back to college full-time wasn’t an option. But auditing an online class was. I did smaller variations of everything I listed, and it kicked my life into gear. Try this activity and see what it yields.
Prompt Twenty Two: Today I’d like to discuss some free, easy options for dealing with anxiety. I am generally a pretty laid back person. However, the anxiety from my separation affected my life so severely that I began to experience physical symptoms. A therapist recommended that I learn to practice mindfulness. So I tried meditation. But no matter how hard I focused on my breath, my mind still raced. Thankfully, I read an article about concentrating on a mantra during meditation. So I chose a random mantra with no particular meaning but with a pleasing cadence. When my mind wandered, I focused on the cadence of the words. At first, I didn’t notice any earth-shattering changes. However, after a few weeks, my anxiety decreased. Today, I still use the same mantra. It still helps, even when my life is going just fine. But now, I like to rotate the ways that I achieve mindfulness (more on that below.)
As a caveat, I would caution you not to meditate right before bed until you’re sure how you’ll react. Although some people find that meditation makes them sleepy, I find it stimulating. I also know a few people who found that meditation increased their anxiety. There is a condition called relaxation-induced anxiety where the relaxation brought on by meditation actually makes anxiety worse. If this is the case for you, you have a couple of options. You can lower the amount of time you meditate or try a different type. Or you could find another way to reach mindfulness. Some people need physical movement or repetitive motion to get there. And that is perfectly fine.
There is no right or wrong way to be mindful. Some people use soothing music or guided tracks from YouTube. Others can meditate in silence with no mantra. Some people knit or crochet. Some fish or bird watch. Others use exercise or long walks to get out of their own head. Do whatever works for you. I now believe that mindfulness – however you accomplish it – is vital to health and well-being. We all need a break to reboot ourselves. Take that break regularly. Enjoy the process.
Mindfulness is free and it helps. In my experience, when you practice some sort of regular mindfulness, your problems may still exist, but your reaction to them is less panicked and more constructive. It is easier to have perspective when your brain slows down.
Prompt Twenty Three: If you read many of my articles, you know that I consider counseling extremely helpful. But I also know that sometimes you experience anxiety or concern about events that are happening right now. If your counseling appointment is a week away, then you still need relief now. Don’t laugh when I propose a method that helps address some of your immediate concerns. I’m going to ask you to have a conversation with yourself on paper. It may sound silly, but it can be very effective. Here’s why: When we are experiencing anxiety or extreme concern, we tend to ruminate and go in circles. But when we write down a pretend conversation, we can propose ways to move forward. Here’s an example. Let’s say I was finally branching out and traveling. I’d defined travel as a life goal over and over. Finally, I was making good on this promise to myself. I want to take this trip, but I am starting to doubt myself.
So the exchange would go something like this:
I’m feeling hesitant about my trip now.
Why? What is behind your hesitation?
I feel like I am walking into the unknown. I’ve never been this far away before and I worry about getting lost or having a bad experience. I had to take time off of work. I worry about my responsibilities and relationships while I am gone.
How is this a problem?
It just makes me feel overwhelmed and reluctant to go.
Can you do anything about it right now?
Not really. I have researched this trip and did everything in my power to prepare my workplace and my relationships. It feels important that I go.
Do you want to go?
Yes. Honestly, I do. But I’m afraid.
Then face your fears and go. The unknown is a common source of anxiety. Sometimes, the unknown is even better than expected. But we prefer to sit stagnant in our comfort. What is your next step?
To do what I can to make sure the trip goes smoothly, but to let go and keep my plans intact. If I don’t, I’m just regressing. I will probably feel better once I’m there.
You can use this method with any issue that crops up. Forcing yourself to go deeper usually gives you very sound, practical answers. Just the act of writing and brainstorming will usually release some of your anxiety. However, the above example is short and simple. You may have more complex issues to work through. Just continue to ask yourself open-ended questions until you’ve hit the heart of it. You’ll feel it when you do.
Prompt Twenty Four: Today I want to talk about dread and pessimistic thinking. Specifically, I want to offer a way out of this loop. When we have challenges, it’s easy to get into the habit of always expecting the worst. However, by giving in to our sense of dread, we miss out on things that might relieve our suffering. For example, during my separation, friends would invite me to go to events and outings, and I would always beg off. Or I’d go and not actively participate. I loved my friends, but I wanted to be alone. Yet, deep down, I knew that isolation was not helping. A therapist offered a way to challenge my dread. She suggested that every day, I was to notice what I was dreading and then keep track of my pessimistic thoughts. To prove that my perceptions were wrong and my reluctance was unfounded, I was to rank my expectations for any dreaded experiences on a scale from 1 to 10. Then, I was to rank the experience again once it was over. For example, if I was going to reluctantly go to a movie with friends, I might expect an enjoyment score of 4. However, I’d often come home and admit that my evening had been closer to a 7. Then, once I nudged myself to be an active rather a reluctant participant, my enjoyment jumped to an 8 or a 9. Slowly, I learned that things were rarely as bad as I’d projected. This activity teaches you that your dread is just an inaccurate mind game that serves no real purpose other than to hold you back. This exercise also nudges you to put yourself out there, which boosts your happiness.
Prompt Twenty Five: If you find yourself struggling with contentment day after day, it can help to learn how thoughts influence mood. I’ve had low periods in my life where I’ve experienced some very dark moods. And I thought that I was helpless in this because I assumed that the moods were a direct result of my circumstances, over which I seemingly had little control. Make no mistake. Difficult circumstances can impact our well-being. But so can our thoughts. And we CAN learn to control our thoughts. If you notice you are in a low mood, try this: Take an inventory by recording your observations in the following columns: Situation, mood, behavior, thoughts, and symptoms.
Here is an example:
Situation: Got into a nasty, painful argument with my spouse.
Mood: Angry, hurt, anxious.
Behavior: Said unkind things to my spouse, lashed out at co-workers, and then came home and kept to myself.
Thoughts: Why can’t we get along? We’re going to end up divorced. I don’t know why I even try to change. We end up fighting anyway.
Symptoms: Rapid heartbeat, racing thoughts, tension headache.
Taking inventory when you notice a pattern of low mood is helpful because it allows you to see patterns and triggers. It also gives some of your power back. How? You can challenge the thoughts that are either causing or perpetuating the mood. For example, you could challenge the assumption of “We’re going to end up divorced because we end up fighting no matter what,” to “We can learn to disagree more productively and lovingly.”
You can’t change the behaviors that you have already committed, BUT you can be aware of tendencies that you can improve upon. So often, we walk through life in dark moods, feeling as if we have no control over the same. However, if you can train yourself to observe sabotaging thought and behavior patterns, you can change your outcome. Afterward, your moods should correspond to these changes and you should see concrete improvement.
Once you get into the habit of noting the contributing factors to your moods, you should repeat this inventory after you have challenged and changed your thoughts. Once you do, you will literally evidence of their correlation. It feels good to have concrete evidence that this process works.
Prompt Twenty Six: Today, I’d like to look at a new way to approach worry. Look at your journal and determine what you’re repeatedly worrying about right now. Once you’ve identified a troublesome worry, carefully examine it. Many of us try to brush off our worries or push them away. But not facing them just causes us to ruminate. So write down the specific worry. Once you have done that, I have to tell you something that may change your thought process. Statistically speaking, most of us fret about things that are already happening, which is a huge waste of time and energy.
For example, if my worry is, “I am going to be alone,” there is a good chance that I am sitting here writing about that worry by all by myself. In essence, I AM alone, writing about the worry of being alone. My worst-case scenario is already happening because I’m taking no action to address it. Worse, I’m paralyzed because I’m ruminating over it.
Here is another example. If my worry is, “I’m scared to reach for a goal because I will fail,” chances are I am already living without the goal. Let’s say the goal is fitness. I might worry, “What if I start running but don’t lose weight.” In reality, I’m sitting here, fretting about not running and not losing weight.
Hopefully, you are seeing the irony here. Get into the habit of challenging your worries in your journal. In the above fitness example, I could write: “Running burns calories. Burning calories leads to weight loss. I know of people who have lost weight running. I’m not losing weight sitting here, so I may as well run.”
In the worry about being alone, I could write: “I am alone sitting here, so I may as well put myself out there. Surely, there are a few people in the universe who are also looking to meet new people.”
Is this process starting to make sense? By challenging my worries and learning to take action rather than ruminating, I learned that worrying is a huge time waster and energy drain. It fools you into thinking it serves a purpose when all it does is keep you from taking action to get what you truly want.
Note: This prompt uses generic examples that aren’t related to saving your marriage. But I’ve written an article about dealing with worries specific to your separation. If you think that the article would be helpful, you can read it here.
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