Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The other day, I spoke with a concerned wife who expressed fears about the state of her marriage. She reluctantly admitted that she was contemplating whether it was time to just give up. 

She described a situation where communication between her and her husband had broken down, leading to constant arguments. She confessed that the only emotions left in their relationship were frustration and anger – never love – not anymore. 

Despite her strong aversion to the idea of divorce, especially because of their children, she was uncertain if she had the strength to keep fighting. She felt like she’d already been trying for so long with no hopeful results whatsoever.

She was hoping for someone to spell out for her when is the right time to end a marriage, and when is the right time to just admit it’s finally over. 

While every situation is unique, I do have an opinion on this because of my own experience. But I’ll admit right up front that I have a bias because I did not give up on my marriage (and it may well have been beyond time to do so.) And I am still married today – in a marriage that I believe was rebuilt in such a way as to now be fulfilling for both of us.

Of course, there are times when a marriage does come to its natural end. I’ll try to help you differentiate between the two in the following article. 

Sometimes, Strong Emotions Indicate You Still Care: It’s quite common for people to be taken aback when they realize the extent of their anger or resentment towards their spouse. Many people believe that negative emotions mean you want out. But honestly, they can also mean that you want back in. 

You see, people sometimes assume that intense negative emotions or constant fighting mean that the love and affection have vanished and that it’s time to cut the losses and move on.

However, I learned from my own experience that the opposite can also be true. Intense emotions like anger, frustration, and the sensation of being driven crazy by your spouse, can signal that there are still unresolved issues – and that’s all.

The fact that you’re still experiencing strong reactions, even if they’re negative reactions, suggests that you still deeply care and are frustrated by the inability to break free from this cycle.

Think about it for a second. If you truly didn’t care about your spouse anymore (and vice versa) you’d be indifferent. You have NO emotions rather than having negative emotions.

Confusing Negative Emotions Toward Your Marriage and Your Spouse With The Fear of Loss: Another scenario where people often find themselves unsure about the fate of their marriage is when they realize they haven’t been completely open and honest. 

And people are often dishonest to themselves as a means to protect themselves emotionally. They may have held back due to fear of rejection or getting hurt. 

It may be emotionally easier to pretend that you feel negative emotions toward your spouse than to be honest and admit that your true negative emotions stem from the fear of losing your husband and your marriage. 

Negative Emotions Caused By The Nagging Feeling of Not Doing Enough: Outside of reacting to fear, some people experience negative emotions because they know deep down in their hearts that they haven’t exhausted all avenues to salvage their marriage. 

Sure, you might really want to believe you’ve done everything you could, but deep down, you sense that you might not have. It’s human nature to build emotional defenses to safeguard oneself from pain, and many of us instinctively put up barriers to shield ourselves from hurt. 

But remember that the person you’re trying to protect yourself isn’t your adversary – he’s your spouse and potentially the parent of your children. Perhaps he is not what you should fear.

Forecasting Future Emotions: One effective gauge for deciding whether it’s time to consider ending a marriage is projecting how you’ll feel about this decision in five years. 

Picture a scenario where the tensions have died down a little, and you’ve somewhat forgotten the initial reasons you were so mad and frustrated with him. 

 Will you feel relieved or regretful about the decision? Will you wonder what might have been if you’d tried harder? Or will you truly be better off without this marriage?

You may well include your children in this question, too. You might believe that your kids will be better off in a calmer household in the future. But you must also consider that they won’t have the benefit of both parents living together in the future, either. And what if you could heal the marriage so that your future household would no longer be chaotic? 

If you know you’ve exhausted every avenue before calling it a day, then that’s one scenario, but if there’s anything you haven’t yet tried, perhaps it makes sense to explore just one more avenue and give yourself a deadline to reevaluate. 

Recognizing the Right Time: Those who are at peace with the knowledge that their marriage is over generally aren’t angry or frustrated anymore. They’re serene with the situation because they know they tried what they could, and they put their whole heart into it. 

They wish their spouse well and hold no ill will toward them. They co-parent with love because they aren’t angry. They understand that both themselves and their spouse are just good individuals who aren’t suited for each other. 

People who know that their marriage came to a natural end don’t Google answers about it. They don’t ask their friends and families. Because they already know that they made the right decision, without needing to ask.

By: Leslie Cane: Few wives who read this blog think “good riddance” when it comes to their husbands’ unhappiness. Usually, either the husband has left or has hinted that he is getting ready to do so and this breaks the wives’ hearts because they are not yet ready to give up on their marriages.

They still love their husbands very much and their number one goal is to get him to want them, and the marriage, back. I believe that there is most definitely a right way and a wrong way to go about this. In fact, women who go about trying to get their husbands to want them back in the wrong way just make the job much more difficult, if not impossible, in the end. So in the following article, I’ll go over what in my experience is the right way to accomplish this.

Try To See Things From His Perspective: It really doesn’t matter if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your husband is wrong about you and your marriage. If things have deteriorated this far, he likely believes that his perceptions are 100% accurate and it isn’t likely that you’re going to be able to change this. And often, the more you try to change his mind, the more he is going to be determined not to let you. So, trying to strong-arm him, guilt him, or trick him into wanting you back is often going to backfire in a bad way.

It’s better to try to be calm and ask yourself what is behind his feelings and perceptions. Because, you’ll have more success if you’re playing to a captive audience and are tailoring your message (your sincere message, of course) around what he really wants to hear. For example, a man who is frustrated or stressed is going to respond better to messages of reassurance while a man who is angry and scared is going to respond better to a message that is meant to diffuse his negative emotions.

Here’s a hint. Most men want out because they believe that the intimacy or the spark is gone. Overwhelmingly, it’s not the job or the stress or even someone else. It’s that they feel that you are no longer connecting in a meaningful way and they don’t see or can’t fathom a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Men will often describe to me scenarios where they feel like a roommate to their wife or they play second fiddle to the kids or the job.

Now, I know that your first inclination may be to think that your husband is selfish and immature for expecting to be your first priority at all times. Your thinking most definitely has merit. But often men will think back to how things were in the beginning, before all the stress and obligations, and they will feel quite frustrated that things look and feel so different now. The truth is, when things were good, your husband very much felt like he was on top of the world. A man who is in love feels much better about himself and his competence than at any other time in his life.

But when he perceives that his wife doesn’t have the time or patience for him, he resents this (and feels worse about himself for it), even if he becomes angry with himself for doing so. And suddenly his positive feelings and favorable perceptions begin to get crowded out by doubt and fear – or other negative emotions that will cloud or choke out all that is right with your marriage. I tell you this because I want you to know that even if his perceptions are incorrect, you aren’t likely to change them and you must know what you are dealing with because the truth is, in this case, perception is reality.

Validation First, Changing Perceptions Second: The first thing that you should do, if you haven’t already, is find some common ground. You want to find a place where you can agree with your husband and make some concessions so that he will know that you’re not going to continue to try to change his mind or be combative. This can be as easy as agreeing that the marriage doesn’t feel right or isn’t fulfilling to either of you. Then, you want to make it very clear that you respect both of your rights to be happy and don’t plan to do anything to delay or change this.

It may feel like you are making all the concessions, but this is a very important step because you want to lessen the tension and set the stage for him to be actually listening to you rather than avoiding you. And, you want to get to a place where it doesn’t end in disaster or anger every time you are together. Ultimately, you have to change his perceptions and this must be your first priority.

Changing His Perceptions Of You And The Marriage So That He Wants You Back: First off, you are never going to be able to trick or strong-arm your husband into wanting you back. In the end, he will resent you and this will plague your marriage until it is its undoing. Sure, you may win short term, but long term there will be a very high cost. Your best-case scenario is for him to want you back and to come to that conclusion on his own because of his genuinely changing feelings.

So how do you change his feelings? You give him what he really wants (assuming that you want this too and can be comfortable with it.) You show him that you are still the woman that he first fell in love with. You change your encounters from ones that end badly to ones that keep things light and easy so that he doesn’t want to avoid them in the future.

You want to take a long, hard look at who your husband married and then show him that this woman still exists. Really examine what it was he loved about her – whether that was her easy laugh, her easygoing attitude, the fact that she understood and appreciated him like no one else, or that she was an excellent listener.

No, you may not have his undivided attention right now, so you’ll need to make even small exchanges count, but you can build slowly onto the small gains that you are able to make until eventually, he will wake up and decide that he’s more likely to get what he wants with you than without you. And this will be the day when he decides that he 100% wants you back all on his own.

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with husbands who have decided that they want to be “free” and are going to pursue a separation or a divorce. The husbands will typically offer all sorts of broad excuses – such as they felt that the “responsibility” or “lack of freedom” in the marriage was suffocating them and bringing them down. They’ll typically describe the marriage as something oppressive and detrimental to their happiness and well-being.

This typically isn’t the way that wives see things, of course. Sure, the marriage has had its problems. No one is trying to deny that, but wives often feel that their problems are typical of many families trying to make it in the world today. Yes, they work hard to pay the bills and care for their children and their parents. Yes, it isn’t always a picnic, but many wives typically don’t think of running away or demanding their freedom in the way that some husbands might. 

A wife might explain it this way: “My husband is telling me he wants to be free, and I just don’t get it and I very much resent it. There are days when I feel tied down too. My obligations aren’t always that much fun either. But I would never turn my back on my family and walk away. I have no idea how to respond to him because I’m so angry. But I know it’s not a good idea to lash out at him. Still, I’m so disappointed in him right now, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce, but I certainly don’t want him to see me as a ball and chain.”

In the following article, I’ll discuss some of the insights I might share with a wife in this situation.

Sometimes When A Husband Says He Wants His Freedom, He Really Just Wants A Temporary Break: It can be very hard to hear your husband say that he wants his freedom from you, as though you’re something undesirable that he must escape. Sometimes though, people say things in the heat of the moment and are later regretful of their words because, once they calm down, they don’t feel nearly as strongly.

Admittedly, families in this situation can be under a great deal of stress. When you are at a certain point in your life, you can find yourself caring for so many people and juggling so many obligations.

And we can all feel like we need a break. Stressful situations can contribute to a husband’s outburst and request for freedom. And, it is possible that when your husband has some time to reflect, he might realize that he’d acted too abruptly or harshly. 

That’s why, in situations such as these, I often suggest willingly offering a break or some time away if your spouse is already demanding it. Because many times, the spouse is going to take it anyway. But, you put yourself in a much better situation if you don’t argue or react negatively when it may not make a difference anyway.

Sometimes, a break can do everyone some good. “Freedom” may have been a selfish word on the part of the husband, but “break” is often one that is much more palatable and can be most certainly worth a try. 

There’s nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you encourage both of you to take some time away to reflect and see if things look differently and hopefully, better.

Staying Positive During During Any Break Or When Your Husband Demands His Freedom: I completely understand a wife’s panic, anger, and sadness in this situation. The whole thing feels like one huge rejection at a time when you need your husband’s support the most. You’re often struggling too. Yet, no one sees you walking away.

The thing is, there’s a real risk with giving in to negative emotions like fear, resentment, and doubt – which typically only makes things worse.

Sometimes, as hard as it is, the best thing you can do is try to take care of yourself and remain positive. 

As easy as it would be for the wife to lash out at the husband, this would get her further away from what she wanted. But if she agreed that some time and space might help them both to improve the situation, she would put herself in a much better situation should the husband realize his selfishness and change his mind.

Because they were still extremely early in this process. There was no need to panic and make things worse. If handled correctly, this may have been a wake-up call to try to manage the stress of the situation together and ultimately lighten the load on both the wife and her husband. 

In truth, they could both be a great deal of support to one another if the situation was able to turn around. But, that wasn’t as likely to happen if the wife drew upon negative emotions.

In situations such as this one, it’s so important to care for yourself and to try to appear as positive as you possibly can. 

Giving the husband (and herself) some space and taking a step back could well turn out to be a good move. And, it appeared the break was going to happen anyway. The wife may as well have put herself in a favorable light in the meantime. 

Sometimes, this makes all the difference. And this situation can sometimes bring your attention to the things that most need to change. This can sometimes be a good thing because it can bring above improvements that can transform your marriage. And once that happens, he no longer wants his freedom.

By: Leslie Cane: Many people who read this blog feel sure that their marriages are over. To that end, one of the most typical issues that comes up is a wife who is being told that her husband is no longer attracted to her. And she worries that this means the end of everything.

She might say: “Hearing that he’s no longer attracted to me is devastating and tells me that my marriage is likely over. Honestly, I believe that his physical attraction to me was most of what brought us together. Personality-wise, we’re opposites. Our values and belief systems are mostly different. So, the very strong attraction was really the only thing we had going for us. With that gone, I think we’re in big trouble. Is there any way at all that a marriage that was mostly based on chemistry and attraction can be saved? Because if there is, I’m willing to do just about anything to save it.”

What a Lack of Physical Attraction Sometimes Really Means: Fair disclosure. I believe that the vast majority of marriages can be saved, and some of my bias lies in the fact that I saved my marriage myself when things looked very bleak.

I’ve come to believe that, in many cases, the issues that the spouses think are the problem actually aren’t. Often, a “lack of physical attraction” runs a little deeper and encompasses other issues. 

In many cases, a couple has children, financial investments, or joint interests that bring them together on a deeper level than just chemistry. So blaming attraction and chemistry is often not the entire story. 

Sometimes, a shift in focus and priorities can bring the “chemistry and attraction” right back.  

Although The Spouses May Believe They Married Based On Chemistry and Physical Attraction Alone, I Believe This Is Rarely The Case: I’ve had people tell me that they believe their marriage was based solely upon their attraction to one another. Basically, they think their looks and their chemistry were the only things they had going for them.

However, I’ll often flip this by asking them if they’d marry someone who was beautiful physically but who had a personality and behaviors that made their skin crawl. Very few people answer yes to this question. 

Sure, appearance may have been the thing that piqued your interest in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with this. But, if the person’s personality wasn’t at least somewhat pleasing to you, it’s highly unlikely that you would’ve continued on. It would be incredibly hard to find someone physically attractive when, time and time again, their actions and behaviors grated on your nerves or were off putting to you.

More Than Looks Make Up the Whole of Who You Are: None of us are perfect physically. Few of us look like we did on the day we married and there is nothing wrong with that. And it cuts both ways. 

Very few people would describe their spouse as perfect. Generally speaking, when things are going well in a marriage, there are some attributes that they adore and others that they ultimately embrace because they love their spouse and know that all of the attributes combined are what make their spouse who they are. 

So don’t think for a second that your looks are the only thing you have of value. There is so much more to all of us than that. When you do that, you’re discounting all of the attributes that make up the whole of who you are.

Do you judge your husband solely on his looks and your attraction to him? Of course you don’t. The same is likely true for him.

Your Spouse Perceives Your Looks Based in Part of How You Make Him Feel: Here’s an important secret. The way that you make your spouse feel is reflected in how he sees you. 

The most beautiful woman in the world may appear downright unattractive to her husband if he doesn’t feel understood, loved, and appreciated by her. 

When two people are deeply connected and bonded, they see the other person through rose-colored glasses. They project their positive feelings onto all aspects of the other person (and this includes appearance.) 

So if you make your husband feel like you truly “get him” – the good and the bad – and you adore him and appreciate him in every way, you will be beautiful in his eyes.

Improving The Marriage In A Way That Focuses On What’s Inside Rather Than On What Is Outside:  Often, when life becomes hectic people stop focusing on the vital things within their marriage. In the example above, I would be willing to bet that the husband would tell me what the vast majority of men tell me. Their “lack of attraction” is because their wife no longer seems to make the time for them, always seems distracted and negative, and no longer seems to appreciate and understand them. 

The above-mentioned husband’s frustration with the change in priorities and attention was likely clouding how he felt about how his wife looked.

But this is actually good news because if you and your husband focus and place your attention on reconnecting, then you will see a big improvement in the way you feel chemistry and attraction. 

What You Like Matters the Most. Confidence is Very Attractive: If you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, then you can always make positive changes for your own benefit, and your husband may well notice. But never make changes for anyone but yourself. If you like what you see, that’s plenty good enough. Because confidence is the most attractive thing of all.

Always remember that the bigger play is to focus on healing your priorities, your attention, and eventually, your marriage. Because as you become reconnected with your husband and more intimately bonded, I can nearly guarantee that he will think you’re very attractive again.

 Understanding What Chemistry and Attraction Really Are: Let’s be real. “Chemistry” is often related to how often you physically connect, and yes, have sex and how good your spouse thinks it is. And that has more to do with enthusiasm than with looks or technique. That’s why it’s important that you focus on the right things. It’s not necessarily how you look in the lingerie. It’s that you’re willing to put it on with a smile on your face.

Honestly, I believe your time is better spent on the health of your marriage than on getting a makeover. Because I honestly believe that this isn’t really about your looks – it is about your connection. And about your enthusiasm. And in my experience, you can establish both. 

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are beside themselves when they feel their husbands slipping away. Many cannot help but notice their husbands’ attention, commitment, and affection are waning. Some have felt this shift for quite some time, but when many of these wives attempt to discuss this shift with their husbands, they find that he’s annoyed and snappish. Sometimes, a husband in this situation will tell his wife that it’s all in her head. 

Often, wives in this scenario aren’t sure what to do. Many know that doing nothing might only make the situation worse. But saying something or demanding answers and changes might bring about a bad response also. 

As a result, wives can feel stuck, as though the only thing they can do is watch helplessly as they lose their husbands. 

A wife might say, “I can feel my husband doesn’t want me anymore. He tries to deny it, but it has become obvious. I am basically waiting until he demands a separation or divorce. And all I can do is wait for it to happen because when I try to talk to him, he gets annoyed and brushes me off.”

While I understand these concerns and had many of them myself, I also know that this type of mindset can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

When you think this way, you become sure that you’re going to lose your husband, and it becomes difficult to be objective. You can become a sitting duck – just waiting for the inevitable. 

As a result, it can begin to feel as if no matter what you do, you’re going to get the same result. Although this may feel like reality, it doesn’t have to be the case. And by thinking this way, you’re almost moving toward the thing that you fear the most.

Be Proactive Rather Than Reactive: Instead of just waiting for the inevitable to happen, try to put yourself in a better position by being proactive rather than merely waiting to react.

Instead of just feeling helpless and afraid, identify which fears are most worrisome and then take action to remove them. For example, if you feel your husband pulling away and not being affectionate, turn the tables, be proactive, and show some affection to him.

If you sense him being distracted, turn the tables and be attentive. If he is rude, you be polite. 

 I admit that this is a very delicate undertaking. You can’t show any desperation or have this come off as anything other than genuine. You don’t want to lay this on too thickly because if you do, you run the risk of pulling when he’s trying to push. And if you come on too strong, he’s going to push away even more.

The key is to really come off as caring, affectionate, and someone who wants her husband to be happy and has his best interest at heart. 

At the same time, you want to show yourself the same concern. You always want to come off as though you 100% believe that you are deserving of his attention and love. 

If you act as though you expect him to come around and are confident that if you show him (by your own demonstration) how you would like to be treated and what you want your marriage to look like, you will often see some improvement if you’ve done everything correctly.

If Your Suspicions Turn Out To Be True, And He Really Is Leaving: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will have a situation where a husband has flat-out told you or is hinting very heavily that he’s going to need some space or distance or time to reflect. 

Other times, he will just begin to walk away. In these situations, it’s so easy to panic and fear that your worst-case scenario and the thing that you feared the most is finally here.

And this is when many of us get into full-out panic mode. And unfortunately, this is the very worst thing that we can not do because this desperation will make us do things that we might later regret or that weaken our position in his eyes. 

As hard as it is, sometimes the best thing you can do is to take a deep breath and give him his space. If you don’t, he will either just take his space, resent you, or see you as the thing that is between him and his happiness.

And what do people do when they think that something is a deterrent to their happiness? They seek to remove that deterrent for good. Do not allow yourself to be put into that position. 

As hard as it might be to trust this process, you are generally going to be in a much better situation with a greater chance for success if you come from a place of strength rather than weakness. 

To that end, you can conduct yourself with dignity and respect. You can make it clear that you want both of you to be happy and you are willing to wait and offer the space. You want to act “as if” you know that the two of you are right together and that he will come to learn this eventually. 

In the meantime though, you will be the same desirable, upbeat, and loving person you have always been who also values her own happiness and well-being. You won’t resort to desperation, panicking, or isolation because you respect yourself too much.

Sometimes, it is a bit of a waiting game and following a strategy, but that is better than assuming that the worst is knocking on your door.

By: Leslie Cane: Most people going through a separation know that it’s common for there to be one spouse who does not love or is not “in love” with the other. Usually, you have one person who is sure they still love their spouse, while another is claiming not to feel anything anymore. Sometimes though, there are couples who will tell you that neither of them are in love. Perhaps this started with one person and the other eventually followed suit. Or, maybe the marriage has been stale for a while, and both people stopped trying so that eventually, nothing was left.

Still, many people are committed to making things work regardless because they have children, because of financial issues, or because they just believe that marriage should be forever so the best course of action is to just stick it out after making things better.

Don’t Settle for A Loveless Marriage:  Even people who want to save their troubled marriage usually intuitively know that they deserve better than to live in a loveless marriage. No one enjoys going through the motions or being with someone who you suspect doesn’t love you while you also know that the feelings are mutual. Worse, many of these couples believe that this the best that they can hope for. Many of them search for tips for “surviving” in a loveless marriage or help in coping with what they feel is not going to change.

I find that most people believe that once you “fall out of love,” there’s no turning back, as if those feelings are akin to magic fairy dust of which you only get one sprinkle. I’m living proof that this isn’t the case. And I’ve seen many couples in the same situation turn their marriages around so that both loved and felt loved by the other. I firmly believe that you don’t have to settle for a loveless marriage if you’re willing to be proactive. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Determining Why You Don’t Love Each Other Anymore: Some of the troubled marriages about which I’m speaking involve a distinct conflict like infidelity, crisis, or money. But, much of the time, what’s happened is that the marriage grew cold so that eventually both people began to withdrawal and retreat. As the result, no one was invested in the marriage and working to maintain it. In short, it’s like a garden that has been long neglected and rather than weeds choking out the flowers that grow there, neglect is choking out the positive feelings which used to define the marriage.

But couples very rarely are able to draw this correlation. Instead, they think that they’ve lost their chemistry, that they are no longer compatible, or that they’ve become so familiar with one another that the marriage is no longer exciting or fulfilling.

They don’t draw any correlation to realize that the effort that is being put into the marriage influences the feelings that are coming out of it. And, they don’t realize or believe that if they return those efforts, the original feelings will usually follow right along.

Many people doubt this, but I’ve seen the same series of events happen time and time again and I believe that most couples are pleasantly surprised if they are open minded or still hopeful enough to give it a try.

What do you really have to lose if you’re already living in the near worse case scenario?

The Efforts And Behaviors That Will Usually Bring Back Loving Feelings: Sometimes, when people think about making this type of effort in their troubled marriage, they’re met with resistance or a blank stare. Couples get into habits and ruts that are hard to break. Things have continued on this way for so long that it’s very hard to remember when things weren’t this way. But, most people have to eventually admit that, once upon a time, things were very different.

Usually their early married life looked much different than it does today, In fact, very few people tell me that they didn’t adore their spouse in the beginning. The couples will often tell you that they had chemistry and passion.

But, what they also had were the behaviors that encouraged this. They and they alone were the center of each other’s world. They put a lot of time and effort into the relationship when it was shiny and new. They found ways to show their affection and likely never wanted to be apart.

Many people understand this on some level, until the “buts” start coming out: Examples are things like: “but we have children now.” “But our lives are hectic.” “But we’re middle aged people who aren’t going to act as if we’re newlyweds.”

I understand these things and I don’t expect for you to act exactly as you did then.

But, it’s not unrealistic or too much to ask to begin to place your focus on your behaviors and on making real change. It’s so important to break the habits or the ruts that you’ve gotten into. Admittedly, it takes work, a conscious effort, and a lot of repetition and positive payoffs to make this “stick.”

It’s not always easy, but most of the time, if you keep moving forward, you will begin to see improvements that build onto each other so that eventually, you realize that you hadn’t fallen out of love at all. You realize that what has happened was that you were neglecting those intimate and loving gestures that nurture and bring out those feelings of loving one another.

You Deserve To Feel Loved In Your Marriage Even If You Have To Take The Initiative: Yes, someone is going to have to make the first move. But, isn’t it worth the risk? You deserve to feel loved and to express love. Just take small steps. Tell yourself that just for today, you will carve out some simple, uninterrupted time with your spouse.

You don’t have to have long and difficult discussions about your problems. In fact, you shouldn’t. Just try to do something simple together like taking a walk while holding hands. Really listen to your spouse and respond in the way that you would want him or her to respond to you. Because at the end of the day, most people want and expect the same thing out of their marriage.

They want to share. They want to feel valued and heard. And they want to feel and express love. The equation really isn’t that hard, but it does take maintenance. Now is the time to restart that maintenance because you deserve the feelings that almost always follow it.