The Trial Separation – Does it Work? When A Trial Separation Is Actually A Good Idea That Can Save Your Marriage.

By: Leslie Cane: Recent statistics show us that couples are trying trial separations in record numbers.  There are potentially endless reasons for this.  But, I believe that the economy is playing a large role.  Maintaining and paying for two households is much more expensive than paying for one.  Many couples do the math and decide that divorcing just doesn’t make sense from either a financial or emotional standpoint.

I get a lot of emails from spouses who tell me that their husband or wife has suggested or is pushing for a trial separation or some time apart.  Understandably, many people are skeptical about this.  They fear or suspect that the time apart is only the beginning of the ending stages of the relationship.  Or, they worry that the time apart will only showcase how bad things really are.

These things really do not have to happen.  Many couples’ marriages are improved by these separations.  The key is often that both parties are very clear on what they hope to accomplish and are firm in their commitment.  It’s important that you don’t take a “wait and see” or “hope for the best approach.”  And, you most definitely need to set some ground rules.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

When A Trial Separation Makes Sense:  As I said before, people often ask me if they should agree to this.  Understandably, there is a lot of fear involved.  I often feel that if one spouse keeps bringing this up, you really don’t have much a choice because this is a tip-off that they are not going to be satisfied with anything else.  They will always wonder what would’ve happened had you not thwarted what they asked you for.  And, I often tell folks that a willing separation is much more desirable than an unwanted divorce. (That is why I ultimately agreed to it.  And this was the right call because I am still married today.

With that said, you can certainly offer to give your spouse space without them needing to move out.  Or, you can offer to go somewhere else for a while.  These concessions could potentially keep them from having to leave your home (if you can get them to agree to this.)  However, if you offer this up and they are resistant, don’t continue to harp on it.  It just weakens your position and showcases your fear.

You really do want to present yourself as someone who values your spouse’s happiness and well being.  If you are rallying against their every request, they are going to eventually start to see you as someone who stands in the way of their happiness.  You really do not want your spouse to see you this way when you are trying to save your marriage.

Positive Aspects Of A Trial Separation: There are times when trial separations can be a positive thing.  When you and your spouse keep spinning your wheels and just can not get in a positive or productive cycle, then sometimes it is helpful to have a pause in this.  When one spouse is at a point where they are only feeling anger and frustration and you’re looking at either a separation or divorce, then obviously the separation is going to be preferable.  And, sometimes time apart can really make a person realize how much they value and miss their spouse.  This is much more likely to happen, though, if you set some firm ground rules that will place a good deal of control and restrictions on the situation, which I will discuss now.

Setting The Rules And Guidelines That Make You More Likely To Be Successful:  I can not stress enough how important it is to define and verbalize what you are hoping to get out of this. Taking a “wait and see” attitude can really contribute to this sort of going on for too long or ensuring that nothing really gets done or changes.

You will want to agree as to whether or not you are going to see other people (and I would certainly advise that you don’t.)  You will want to agree on how often the two of you are going to check-in or spend time together.  You will want to make it clear that you are both willing to share any insights and feelings that come to the surface due to your time apart.  And, you will want define exactly what (and how) you’re going to come at the outstanding issues in a new, and more positive way. Finally, you will want to set a firm timeline as to when the time apart starts and when it stops. (I realize that your husband may balk at this, but at least try to get him to agree to regularly discuss timing.  Try not to leave it open-ended.)

Because, what is the point of separating if no real and meaningful changes are actually attempted – with some sort of time frame defined?  This is the whole point of ensuring that this strengthens your marriage rather than weakening it.  Often if these trial separations are successful, it’s because there is a pause in what’s wrong so that you don’t need to dwell on it and magnify it anymore.  This gives a new calm and perspective on the situation which allows you to come at the issues from a more calm and rational place.

It will often also bring to light just how much both parties do not want to be alone and without their families.  So, in the best-case scenario, both spouses will be very much anticipating coming back together and tackling the problems with renewed commitment and enthusiasm.

It was my husband, not me, who wanted space and asked for a trial separation. Unfortunately, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. And I agreed to “see what happens.”  That was not a good idea.  Eventually, I changed course and was able to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on The Trial Separation – Does it Work? When A Trial Separation Is Actually A Good Idea That Can Save Your Marriage.

Is It Normal Not To Communicate During A Marital Or Trial Separation?

Many of the wives who reach out to me very much want to keep in regular contact with their separated husbands. Many of them never wanted the separation to begin with, and only begrudgingly or reluctantly gave in because they perceived that there was really no choice. Unfortunately, not all husbands cooperate regarding communication. In fact, many husbands keep both a physical and emotional distance. Understandably, wives want to know if this is normal behavior and, if not, what can be done to change a husband’s mind?

A wife might complain, “right now I am living in my worst-case scenario. Last year, my husband started complaining about being unhappy with our marriage. He started to hint that he might want to step back from me. I tried everything in my power to talk him out of this. I tried to improve our marriage, but he was unreceptive. I tried to get him to go to counseling, but he would not even consider it. All he wanted to do was to get a break from me. So he moved out. I pressured him to keep in contact with me. He indicated that he would ‘try.’ Well, now we are in the middle of a pandemic. And I rarely hear from him. I try to call, and he doesn’t pick up. I text, and I might get a one-line reply. I’ve even gone by his place, but he gets his roommate to answer the door and tell me that he is not home. He finally responded to an email that I sent by writing, ‘Please respect my need for space right now.’ I suspect that he is depressed, but I have no idea how to reach him. He acts as if I am asking for the moon and stars. I am only asking for very basic communication from a man who is still my spouse. But he acts as if my requests are abnormal. Are they? Is it normal for a couple not to communicate when they are separated?”

Why It’s Difficult To Define Normal: I am not sure that there is an agreed-upon definition of “normal communication” during a separation. Couples consist of very different people with varying goals. From the couples who I’ve interacted with (and from my own experience), most couples try to keep in some contact. Most of the time, the spouse who is more invested in the marriage feels that the contact is not enough, while the spouse who wants space would like more time away. Plus, there is a small subset of separations that have no communication at all. This is largely due to a volatile situation or severe anger. With this situation, the spouses really can’t communicate without things deteriorating so they do not communicate at all. Thankfully, this is a small subset of couples, at least from my observation.

That said, COVID 19 or the Coronavirus has ensured that none of us are living in “normal times.” We are in uncharted territory right now. That is true even of happily married couples in ideal circumstances.

Normal Versus Ideal: Still, I would call it ideal, and very important, to try to maintain some regular form of communication, even and especially during this pandemic. Maintaining intimacy and commitment can be a big challenge while you are separated. To keep that going, you are going to need to talk, text, or ideally, see one another. I understand that in some places, the virus means that you are quarantined and cannot leave except for an emergency. In those situations, you may not be able to see your spouse face-to-face. But you can keep in touch in the same way that so many of us are keeping in touch with loved ones and family members – via phone calls, facetime, Skype, Zoom, and the like.

When He Doesn’t Seem Willing To Communicate: I know that you may be thinking, “yes, I understand that the technology is available that would allow my separated husband and I to stay connected or to keep in touch. But all of this assumes that he is willing. But he is not. I can’t force him to text or talk to me. So, what now?”

I was in these shoes. And I remember how frustrating and painful it was. But I learned to not give up or to give in. That said, being determined doesn’t mean being so hard-headed that you drive your separated spouse further into hiding by pushing too hard. I learned this lesson the hard way and it almost cost me dearly. This means that sometimes you have to take what he gives you at the time. And then try again when he is more receptive. Right now, that might mean that you give a quick text like, “Just making sure that you are okay?” And accept a response as a victory.

Wait a while and try again. Eventually, he may become more receptive. As he sees you respecting his space, loneliness may kick in. Perspectives can then change. Just accept a gradual and low-pressure pace and I promise this will very likely make your life much easier. Pushing may feel right at the time, but it almost always makes things worse.

One more thing. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate that we are living in severely difficult times. I know people with wonderful marriages and close family relationships who are sort of withdrawing from the world right now. This doesn’t mean that they don’t adore their loved ones or aren’t committed. They just need to retreat for a short amount of time to process all of this. There is a chance that this is what you’re husband is going through now. Give it some time and patience. Do not react with panic because this will cause your behaviors to deteriorate, which will only make the distance between you worse.

To answer the original question. It’s not ideal to not communicate while you are separated. It sometimes happens when the situation is very volatile and the spouses can’t communicate cordially. However, for most situations, the spouses do attempt to communicate, although they rarely agree on how often is appropriate, especially when the separation is new.

It is to your benefit to gently encourage more communication without pressing too much. This can be a delicate balance. But you cannot reestablish intimacy and reconcile without communication, so understand that sporadic and light communication is better than none at all, and it is something upon which you can build if you are careful and clever about it.  You can read about how I finally learned to play the game better and be clever at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is It Normal Not To Communicate During A Marital Or Trial Separation?

What Do Men Do When They’re No Longer In Love With Their Wives? Which Options Will They Typically Take?

By: Leslie Cane:  It’s a horrible feeling when you start to suspect that your husband isn’t in love with you anymore.  It’s an even worse feeling when he doesn’t deny this when confronted, or, even worse, admits it.  Once this reality sinks in, many wives ask themselves how their husband is going to proceed.

A wife might explain something like this: “for probably the past three years, I have felt my husband’s love for me slipping away.  I think it started once I stayed home to care for our kids.  I think he started looking at me in a different way.  However, I told myself that in time, he would adjust and that our marriage would eventually recover.  He didn’t, though.  And the marriage didn’t, either. Instead, it got worse and worse.  He started being somewhat cold to me.  He stopped doing nice things for me.  He rarely even seemed to notice me.  The other night, I got upset and I told him that I didn’t think he loved me anymore.  His response was that he loved me because I am the mother of his children, but he did admit that he was not ‘in love’ with me in the way he ‘used to be.’  I didn’t have the heart to ask him what he was going to do about this, but I can think of nothing else.  I wouldn’t think he would be the kind of man to leave his family, but who knows?  I’m sure that like most people, he thinks that he deserves happiness in life.  What do men do when they don’t love their wives anymore?  What options do they explore?”

Below, I will offer some of the most common ways that I see this play out.  However, it’s almost impossible to predict how someone is going to react.  Since you are the one who knows your husband best, you would probably be the best person to evaluate that.

They Sometimes Seek Fulfillment Outside Of Their Marriages:  Many men who are still somewhat committed to their marriages (either because of family, finances, or other reasons) will try to get their needs met elsewhere, so that they don’t feel quite so unhappy or trapped.  This will sometimes turn out to be an emotional or physical affair, but it doesn’t always have to be.  Some men will turn to their friends, or their work, or their extended family.  Wherever they turn, they may not be getting their physical, emotional, or social needs met by their wife or their marriage anymore.

They Eventually Pursue A Separation Or Divorce:  Whether or not a man takes this step really does depend upon his commitment and patience levels.  But some men eventually lose hope that the marriage will ever change, or they don’t have the patience to wait for the improvements.  These men will eventually flee or come to believe that they would be happier if they ended or took a break from their marriage.

They Stay Put But Remain Miserable – Always Considering Leaving Or Making A Change: We’ve all known couples who are pretty unhappy in their marriages, who appear not to be in love anymore, but who are waiting on the kids to grow up are or waiting for their money situation to improve.  This scenario probably isn’t a lot of fun.  But if your marriage is still important to you, there is an advantage to this. Since both of you aren’t going anywhere, why not try to improve the marriage so that you are both happy again? It’s totally possible and plenty of couples do it, which leads me to my next point.

They Try To Improve The Marriage To Fall In Love Again:  This is, in my opinion, the best case scenario, especially if there are children involved or at least one spouse is still invested in the marriage.  Since you mentioned that things changed when you stayed home, at least you can point to a concrete shift. Because sometimes when circumstances change, the feelings follow.  This is important because it can mean that the feelings can return if the circumstances are shifted.  And by saying this, I don’t mean that you have to return to work.  I’m just suggesting that you explore ways that you can encourage your husband to see you as an exciting woman with your own mind with meaningful contributions.  Child rearing is not for the faint of heart.  And honestly, having a family can be hard on your marriage.  Anything that shifts the attention away from your spouse and your marriage can cause challenges.

But every marriage has its challenges.  And you can always adjust.  You can also shift your perceptions in order to make time for your marriage and for yourself.  Staying home doesn’t mean letting go of who you are and what has always been important to you.  Don’t be afraid to let the “you” that your husband has always loved come through again.  He likely misses that woman very much.  And if he saw and interacted with her once again (and on a regular basis) you may well find that his feelings for her have returned also.

I lived in fear that my unhappy husband was going to pursue a divorce.  Instead, he pursued a separation.  I don’t think there were many loving feelings on his part at that time.  But with time, patience, and a plan, that love eventually returned and we reconciled.  You can read the rest of the story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Do Men Do When They’re No Longer In Love With Their Wives? Which Options Will They Typically Take?

My Separated Husband Genuinely Seems Much Happier Alone. How Is This Possible?

Understandably, many separated wives feel horrible despair as soon as their husband leaves the house to begin a marital separation. Many wives attempt to console themselves with the hope that, with any luck, their husband will find that he misses his home and his marriage quite quickly. Some wives find this to be the case. Unfortunately, this is not true of everyone. Some find the opposite to be true – that the husband seems much happier alone.

A wife might explain, “This is going to sound terrible, but I am unhappy that my husband is happy. We are newly separated. I did not want to even ‘try’ any sort of trial separation, but he was not going to accept anything but his moving out. He is living with friends right now rather than getting his own place because we just can’t afford it. This pandemic has cut into both of our incomes. This is a very difficult time on so many levels. Yet, every time I talk to my husband, he seems almost giddy. It’s very obvious that he is much happier by himself. I ran into a mutual friend this morning, and she said that she’d seen my husband at a restaurant and that ‘he looked better than he has in a long time.’ This was a kick in the gut. It is like getting away from me was all it took for him to gain a new lease on life. Here we are at a scary time in history with everyone’s health at risk, and it seems that my husband has never been more satisfied with his life. What does this say about his feelings for me and our marriage? I was hopeful last week, but I am quickly losing hope.”

Positive Possibilities: Don’t lose hope. It is not uncommon for one or both of the spouses to feel what I would describe as relief in the beginning days of separation. Why? There are a couple of possibilities. First, there can be a reprieve when there is finally some sort of action. Even if the action is not ideal, it’s not uncommon to feel like one can finally let out the breath they have been holding when there is finally direction rather than just treading water. Now that a decision has been made – any decision – it may feel easier to move forward.

Second, these are strange days. I have a couple of friends who have been so incredibly upbeat during the coronavirus. When I ask them how they stay so positive, they say, “you know, I’m just grateful to be alive. I’m just grateful that my kids are healthy. Everything else can be dealt with later.” Some people really are able to break life down into its most simple components at times like this.

Third, your husband may be enjoying spending time with his friends. It could have kind of a sleepover vibe that probably can’t last for very much longer because the novelty will eventually wear off.

Moving Foward With An Eye Toward Eventual Reconciliation: I know it is disheartening to imagine that he is living it up while you are feeling so alone, but sometimes, looks can be deceiving. Once he “settles” into his new life, he might find that he very much misses the secure, familiar home that he built with you. It can take a bit of time for that realization to hit him. And sometimes, even when it does, he will try to hide it from you. Why? Because he doesn’t want to concede that perhaps you were right.

He is the one who pushed so hard to live separately, so it’s doubtful that he is going to admit that he was wrong so quickly, if at all. He likely will want you to think that he is coping just fine – or better than fine.

That is why you have to be careful and avoid pushing too aggressively for confirmation or reassurance. If he sees you doing this, he may resist any positive feelings of longing even more strongly, which is the opposite of what you want.

Instead, you just want to try to be open with and to him. If you begin with an adverse stance, things can go downhill very quickly. I learned the hard way that it is always best to lead with kindness and to keep in mind that you want to be work with him rather than against him. Ideally, you both understand that you are on the same team.

In a perfect world, you love him and therefore, you want him to be happy. In the real world (especially during a pandemic) this isn’t so easy. Still, it’s important that he doesn’t think that you are actually rooting for him to be miserable, or at least to feel the doubt or fear that you are feeling.

In truth, you don’t 100% know that he isn’t feeling these things deep down or in secret. If he isn’t, he may well be feeling them soon. In the meantime, know that things can change quickly during your separation. That is why it is so important to not panic and not to give up.

In the dark days of my own separation, I allowed my panic to drive my behavior in unfortunate ways, which was very detrimental to my chances to save my marriage. Don’t make the same mistake. Luckily, I was eventually able to regroup and get my husband interested and receptive again. But there was definitely a period of time where things looked very dire. If I had given up, I would not be married. That whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Separated Husband Genuinely Seems Much Happier Alone. How Is This Possible?

Husbands Who Want To Leave Their Marriages: What Are They Thinking?

By: Leslie Cane: I so often hear from wives who would give anything to look inside of the mind of the husband who has either left the marriage or who wants to leave it. They figure if they knew exactly what their husband was thinking, they could address his concerns and save their marriage.

Common comments are things like: “suddenly, my husband wants to leave me. He says he’s just not happy and that he can’t live like this anymore. I want to ask him when he got so selfish or naive. Marriage isn’t perfect and no one is going to be happy every single day. My best friend is going through the same thing with her husband. What are these husbands even thinking when they suddenly decide to leave their marriage? I want to know because I just don’t understand it. There are days when I am unhappy also, but I wouldn’t just decide to leave my marriage because of a little bit of discomfort.”

I can certainly understand where this wife was coming from. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to read my husband’s mind when we were separated. But, since I’ve started my blog, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation. So because of my experience with my own marriage and because of all of the comments I hear from men, I do feel as if I have a firm handle on their thought process. So below, I will try to give a view into the mindset of men who want to leave their marriages.

It Would Be A Mistake To Assume That All Men Who Want To Leave Their Marriages No Longer Love Their Wives: Many people assume that when a husband wants to leave his marriage, the primary reason for this is that he has fallen out of love with his wife. Although a small amount of husbands make this claim, a good deal will tell you that to some extent they still love their wives.  Some will even tell you that they love their wives very much.  Some of the time, a lack of love doesn’t have much to do with why they want to leave their marriage, or at least it is not the presiding factor.

Men Want To Leave Their Marriages When They Have A Hard Time Envisioning The Process Of Saving It: I know that it often seems like men leave without a lot of warning. I so often hear from wives who tell me that their husbands left seemingly out of nowhere. But, men often do not see it this way at all. They will often tell you that there have been long term problems that the couple just either could not agree upon or could not overcome.

Unfortunately, sometimes the husband does not make clear or disclose how much of a deal breaker the issues are becoming to him. But inside, he struggles so that eventually, the problem becomes so big that in his own mind that the marriage crumbles under the weight of them. Things often get to the point where the husband can’t easily envision changing or saving the marriage. Because if he could, he wouldn’t want or need to leave it.

Of course, many times the wife has a different point of view. If you asked her, she would tell you that the problem or the issue is in the husband’s own head or that it is not as bad as the husband perceives. And, the wife often has a lot of validity to what she is saying. But what people often do not understand is that as long as your husband believes something, it might as well be the truth because it is valid to him. And arguing or trying to make him see where he is wrong rarely will help your cause. Instead, you are better off agreeing to disagree and trying to validate at least some of what he says. You want him to believe that you are on his side and trying to help him to get what he wants.

So, to answer the question posed, husbands who want to leave their wives are often thinking that although they may still love their wives and wish that things were different, certain aspects of their marriage have deteriorated to the point that he has decided that his life might be better or that he might be happier outside of his marriage.  So, in his own mind, it becomes necessary for him to leave.

I’m not saying that these men are right in their assessments. I am only telling you the thought process that I see over and over so that these insights might help you if you’re trying to save your marriage. So where does this knowledge leave you? I would suggest that you use this information to your advantage rather than allowing this to make you discouraged.  You want to very gradually and convincingly make your husband see just a sliver of hope with your marriage so that he might realize that he was wrong in his assumptions that things were so far gone that he really had choice in leaving.

In order for this to work, it often needs to be gradual enough to be convincing. It’s very likely that your husband did not decide to leave your marriage abruptly. It likely took a while for things to break down. So it will likely take a while for things to build back up. Work very hard on being agreeable, upbeat, and easy to approach. You want for your interactions with your husband to be positive. In fact, your goal is that he is eventually quite pleasantly surprised with the way things are going between you. The goal is that as things begin to improve between you, things will feel easy and right once again. You want him to see that no one really has to “fight” all that hard for your marriage. You don’t want for this to feel like a difficult process. You want it to feel as though all of the pieces are falling into place because your marriage is right and your relationship was meant to be so that no issues between you can or should change that.

For weeks, I tried to figure out what my husband was thinking when he left me.  Eventually, I realized that this was a waste of time.  Because what mattered more than his thought process was the fact that he was gone and that I needed to come up with a way to get him back.  So I set out to come up with a plan that would actually work to get him back home and to save my marriage.  And, through a lot of trial and error, I finally found something that worked.  If it helps, you can read about this entire process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Husbands Who Want To Leave Their Marriages: What Are They Thinking?

Is My Marriage Worth Saving Quiz: True Or False Questions To Help You Decide

I hear from a lot of folks who are trying to decide if their marriage is worth saving. They often want to tell me the details of their marriage and then get my opinion as to whether they should fight for their marriage or just give in and call it quits. The thing is, I never feel that I’m really qualified to make or even influence this decision. This is a very personal situation and a marriage is sacred. The decision to end it is very serious and lasting. That decision should be made by the people within the marriage.

Nonetheless, on an almost daily basis, I hear from people who are trying to determine if their marriage is worth the effort to save it. So I’ve developed the 5 quiz questions (with true or false answers) that follow. I hope that what you find will hopefully at least give you a place to start. Of course, I do not advocate making any decisions about your marriage based on anyone’s quiz. But I hope that you will use this as a starting point to think about where you want to go from here. And perhaps some of the questions will bring up some insights that you haven’t yet considered.

The questions below have true and false answers. Sometimes, the answer might be somewhere in between or you might struggle to find an either/or answer. Just do the best you can and choose the answer that seems the most appropriate. I have indicated the preferable answer after each question with an explanation of why I feel it’s preferable.

Question #1: True Or False: I No Longer Have Any Feelings At All For My Spouse. I’m Just Completely Numb At This Point: (For this quiz, “feelings are defined as any at all. In other words, anger, frustration, love, and affection all count as feelings.) I know that this seems very simplistic but when a marriage is really and truly over (and some would argue not worth saving,) there aren’t any feelings left. This includes anger, frustration or even what one might define as hatred. (That’s why the preferable answer here is false.)

People often tell me that they assume that if they are feeling very negative things toward their spouse, this is one indication that their marriage isn’t worth the trouble to save it. I disagree with this. If ANY feelings are still there, to me, it indicates that you still care and / or are invested enough to respond. Numbness is worse than negative feelings as far as marriages go, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. Even hurt or indecision can be good signs that the feelings aren’t completely dead.

Question #2: My Spouse And I No Longer Have Any Common Ground: I often suggest that people focus on the things that bring them together when they are trying to save their marriage, especially in the beginning when things are still awkward and forced. Being able to agree on core things (even if you can only agree that the marriage is in trouble and you want to save it) gives you a starting point on which you can both focus. This makes the whole process a little easier to navigate and your shared values give you something on which you can place your focus.

Not having any common ground doesn’t always mean that your marriage isn’t worth saving, but it can mean that you might have a harder time and struggle a bit more when attempting this. If the answer to this question isn’t obvious to you, then take some time to reflect on where you may or may not have a common focus.

Question #3: If I Try, I Can Remember The Good Times In My Marriage. When I Look Back, I Can Recognize Good Qualities In My Spouse (And Good Memories With Them:) The obvious preferred answer here is true. When trying to save your marriage, there’s a very important distinction between being disappointed or disenchanted with the marriage and having these same feelings about your spouse. If despite your differences and your struggles right now, you can still look at your spouse and see a decent and honorable person with whom you enjoyed a good and solid relationship (even if it isn’t that way now) then this is a good foundation on which to build.

Frankly, when people tell me that they can’t find one redeeming quality about their spouse or can’t look back on their marriage with any nostalgia or longing, then that does cause some concern. It’s eventually important that you separate the problems in your marriage with the person who is your spouse. And marriages are usually much more fulfilling and happy if you respect, genuinely like, and can share good times with your spouse. (That doesn’t mean that you have to feel this way now, but it helps to believe that it’s possible eventually.)

Question #4: Being Right Is More Important To Either Of Us Than Being Happy. One Or Both Of Us Considers Compromise To Be The Same As Giving In: The preferred answer here is false. When you are saving your marriage (or even trying to be happy within it,) there is often going to come a time when you will need to compromise and put your spouse’s needs above your own – at least some times. Your spouse will need to do the same. The key is to decide which issues are most important to you and which you’re willing to back away from. However, some people become so invested in being right or in not giving in that they are just never willing to compromise.

And this inability to yield causes resentment, anger, and negative feelings that can make the marriage almost impossible to be happy or content in. I have seen many couples shift their marriage by changing their attitude about this very topic. They vow to become happier in their marriage. They want to laugh and play more and not take all of this so seriously. And so they let go a bit. And believe it or not, this can make all the difference.

Question #5: One Or Both Of Us Are Willing To Feel Vulnerable, To Step Outside Of Our Comfort Zone, And To Trust Our Heart Rather Than Our Heads And Our Doubts: The preferred answer to this is true. Many people see saving their marriage (or living within one that is struggling) as a very difficult and painful process. Many people anticipate difficult and painful conversations with a lot of tears and pain. Or they think that if they stay in a struggling marriage, they will have to learn to live as best they can when they aren’t really happy. It truly doesn’t have to be this way.

I have seen more people save their marriages (and he happy in them) by focusing on the positive and by being willing to have new experiences with their spouse to reconnect, while not worrying so much about the day to day drudgery of saving a marriage of our analyzing their every thought and problem.

Yes, you will need to look at and hopefully solve your issues. But the issues do not define your marriage. The people define the marriage. Their actions, behaviors, and habits define their marriage. If you have fallen into bad habits, then you must be willing to change course even if that is uncomfortable and feels foreign at the time.

At times, you may have to be the one to make the first move or say what needs to be said. Both people can’t sit there and wait for the other to make the move. Sometimes, improving or saving your marriage involves taking a deep breath and diving in.

If I Answered Wrong Does This Mean My Marriage Isn’t Worth Saving?: Absolutely not. These questions were just meant to show you where your strengths, weaknesses, advantages, and disadvantages are. If you see something here that inspires you to take action, make a change, or take a chance, then that’s the whole point.

And you know what? The fact that you researched the information in this article and sat down and got to the end tells me something very important. It tells me that you are still invested in your marriage – and this could certainly be an indicating that your marriage is one that is worth saving.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end and not worth saving. My husband was distant and withdrawn and eventually suggested a divorce. I resented this for a long time. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is My Marriage Worth Saving Quiz: True Or False Questions To Help You Decide

I’m Afraid Our Marital Separation Is Failing. I Worry I’ll Become A Bitter, Divorced Woman Who Is All Alone

By: Leslie Cane: Fear is probably the most common emotion that separated wives experience, at least wives who are still invested in their marriages. It’s not hard to understand why. Most of us believe that we are at risk of losing what we care most about – the man we love, potentially the father of our children, and our family unit as we know it. Sure, life can change dramatically when separated, but what happens if we divorce? Many of us worry that we will end up very unhappy and very alone.

Someone might say, “I am trying very hard to keep my cool during my marital separation. I was desperate to avoid it. So I’m on edge right now because I’m living in a reality that I fought so hard against. Still, my husband would not accept anything other than separating. And even worse, the separation isn’t going great. I’m afraid that it’s completely failing. Instead of it bringing us closer together, I fear that we are drifting even more apart. My husband is not very forthcoming about how he is feeling or what he is doing. I’m very worried that we will divorce. My mother never remarried after a nasty divorce, and she has been angry and bitter for her entire life because of it. She basically hates and distrusts all men, including my husband. And, in her mind, my separation just reinforces her belief that all men are scum. And my mother isn’t the only one. I know plenty of co-workers and acquaintances who become bitter and resentful after losing their marriage. I fear this even worse than I fear the end of my marriage. How can I avoid both losing my marriage and that awful fate?”

Never Underestimate The Power Of Awareness: I understand this concern because I most definitely had it myself during my own separation. Thankfully, I did not end up divorced. But I like to think that I would have avoided the bitterness. I eventually became very aware that every time I became angry and frightened during this process, I made things so much worse for myself. In fact, the worst mistakes that I made during my separation (some of which almost cost me my marriage) were all inspired by my fears of loss.

Awareness of fear is so important because knowing when you are most afraid is your tip-off that you need to question your assumptions and watch your behaviors. I would have been better off asking myself why I was always allowing my mind to drift to the worst-case scenario instead of allowing my fear to inspire me to pick fights with my separated husband and make things worse.

Awareness is your secret weapon to guard against this. Use your fear as motivation to carefully plan and question your strategies and behaviors rather than allowing them to drive the ship.

Focus On Improvement and Reconciliation Rather Than On Doomsday Scenarios: When my dad was teaching me to drive, he told me that if I ever got in trouble behind the wheel and had to quickly correct course, I should always begin correcting and then set my sights on where I wanted my car to land. So often, we focus solely on the thing we are trying to avoid, increasing the chances that this is where we will end up. If you want to end up safely on the side of the road, place your focus there, not completely on what you are trying to avoid.

The same is true of your marriage. Don’t place your focus on bitterness and resentment. Instead, focus on what you can do right now to increase the chances of improving your situation so that what you dread doesn’t come to pass. Focus on what you want, rather than on what you are trying to avoid. In this case, your focus would be on your recovering marriage, not on the bitterness.

Fear Is Natural, But Gradual Is Great: It would be abnormal to be unafraid right now. But be very aware that fear will often bring you closer to what you want to avoid and further away from your goal.

What will bring you closer to your marital goals? Thinking in positive, but gradual terms. Part of the fear comes when you aren’t getting relief in a timely manner. In other words, improvement in your marriage and hope for your future is not coming quickly enough. I learned from experience that a delay in progress DOES NOT mean that you will fail or that progress will never come. (I ultimately DID save my marriage. More on that below.)

Instead, it can mean that you need to embrace a gradual process. What does this look like during a separation? It could mean that yes, things aren’t going exactly as you want right now. But that doesn’t mean that gradual improvement isn’t ahead, especially if you keep a positive attitude and keep your focus on the immediate goal rather than on the dreaded future.

Some days I just had to accept that a text from my husband was the best that I was going to get. On very unfortunate days, I had to just accept not making things worse. On good days, we might have a nice conversation or a positive exchange. My goal became to seize those good opportunities and try to capitalize on them. My husband wasn’t always willing. And when I faced setbacks, I just had to re-group and try again later.

But what I could not do was to allow my discouragement to nudge me into negative behaviors that turned the trajectory of the separation downward. (Unfortunately, I sometimes succumbed to my most negative impulses.) I got better at reading my own fear and anger for what it was and pausing before I allowed myself to act. At my best, I could both recognize these negative behaviors and force myself to flip them so I practiced positive behaviors. This allowed me to eventually reconcile with my husband. (You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

The Bottom Line: There is no reason to concede that you will be divorced, bitter, or alone. Your marriage isn’t over. You still have time. And even in the worst of cases, you have free will. You can make choices that very much lessen the chances of any of these things happening.

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’m Afraid Our Marital Separation Is Failing. I Worry I’ll Become A Bitter, Divorced Woman Who Is All Alone

My Unhappy Husband Wants A Separation But Is Home. We’re Living Like Friends And I Hate It

I often advocate trying to get a husband who wants a separation to carry this out under the same roof. In other words, I advocate giving one another “space” while no one moves out. This ensures that you will continue to have access to your spouse, which is very important if you want to eventually reconcile. I do realize that this situation is not always easy. In fact, I’ve heard from couples who find this situation intolerable at times. Below, I’ll go over some tips that will hopefully make life a bit easier.

First, here is what I mean. A wife might describe a situation like this one: “My husband has been whining about separating for some time. In fact, a couple of months ago, he was looking for an apartment. However, the coronavirus has meant that both of us have had our work hours slashed. Therefore, we cannot afford to support two separate households. So my husband announced that we would be having an “in house separation.” He explained that he was moving to our guest room and that we would be living our lives separately while sharing the same space. At first, I thought that I had landed a victory because I never wanted to live alone or to end my marriage. But these living arrangements have been no picnic. I envisioned that we would still be interacting as we both tend to be homebodies. But my husband makes himself scarce as often as possible. He has been eating out most of the time. If I catch him watching TV, I will try to sit down and watch with him and sometimes he allows this, but he disconnects at the first opportunity. It is really heartbreaking to be in such close proximity to my husband but to be so distant. Last night we actually had a few laughs together, but this morning he acted as if nothing had happened. I really hate living this way, but I don’t know if we have any alternative.”

I know that this is difficult, but I can tell you as someone who lived apart during her own separation that living under two roofs is also no picnic. I always had to worry about what my husband was doing or if he was okay. If I called to ask, he would be annoyed with me because he thought that I wasn’t giving him his space. So, to keep from alienating him even more, I was very often in the dark as to what was going on with him, which was its own form of torture. I worried that he would or had met someone else. I worried about his health and wellbeing, even though my own were negatively affected. I worried that he was already “moving on,” but I wouldn’t know it since we rarely spoke or saw each other, especially at first before I had any real plan. It took me way too long to get my mind right and I wasted precious time. So, here is some perspective for couples having an “in house separation” due to the coronavirus or any other reason.

Understand How Much Worse It Could Be: I alluded to it before, but I hear from many wives who never hear from or see their separated husbands. I also hear from wives whose husbands are quite cruel and distant. I know that you aren’t getting the affection or attention that you want from your husband right now, but you do know what and how he is doing. You can put eyes on him and you are even having positive experiences with him, although this is admittedly rare. This gives you something, however small, with which to build. Sure, it may take longer than you would like. You may have more awkward and painful encounters before you make needed progress, but at least you can see and interact with him. And, if you play this correctly, you have a chance to take baby steps toward an improved marriage and an eventual reconciliation. Yes, sometimes you have to tread gradually and carefully, but you still have access to him, which is a huge advantage that not all wives get.

The coronavirus is stressing us all. I try to remind myself that as long as my family is healthy, I can worry about all the rest later. I have had days where I have lost it or have felt overwhelmed. I think that all of us have. Try to remind yourself that the days during these trials will be harder because of the added pressure that we are all under. Possibly, neither you nor your husband may be at your best right now, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Know that you may tread water for a little while until life returns to normal.

Seize Any Positive Moment You Get: In the meantime, savor and embrace those small victories, like you had last night. Be honest with your husband. Tell him that spending time with him lifted your spirits and that you need more of that about now. He may surprise you and willingly spend more time with you in the days that come. Take every opportunity that you can to build on your small successes. Take advantage of your access, but be respectful of his space. Some days, this is easier said than done and it is a delicate balancing act to get it right.

But that doesn’t mean that you should stop trying. Hang in there. Better days may be ahead. During the worst phase of my separation, I was sure that we would divorce. But here we are, still married. Part of the reason is that I never gave up and I eventually meticulously followed a workable plan. You can read more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Unhappy Husband Wants A Separation But Is Home. We’re Living Like Friends And I Hate It

My Husband Says We Married Too Young So We Should Separate To Try The Life We Missed

Many wives deny the reason that their husband gives for wanting to separate. For example, it’s easy to debate vague reasoning like, “I just feel we need a break.” Or, “I’m not happy.” But things get trickier when the basis for a husband’s desire to separate is true. An example is a husband who says that you married very young. This is likely a fact. However, what is debatable is whether or not a young marriage is a justification to separate.

A wife might explain, “it’s true that my husband and I married right out of high school. I wasn’t pregnant. We weren’t forced to do it. But my husband enlisted in the military, and we wanted to commit to each other before he left. We were very happy and I feel that we have a successful marriage. My husband is no longer in the military. He’s currently taking stock of his life, and it appears he feels that our marriage may be holding him back. Now that he’s free of professional commitments, it seems that he wants out of personal commitments also. Last night, he sat me down and said that since we got married so young, he feels that he has missed out on life experiences. He stressed that he doesn’t want a divorce right now, but he wants a break or separation to experience things he may have missed out on. This sounds like the start of a divorce to me and I am terrified. I have never questioned whether our marriage was a mistake. I have been very happy and I don’t want to lose my husband. How do I talk him out of this? Or how can I make sure that my marriage survives this?”

Don’t panic. I got through a marital separation (although parts of it were very rocky) and I believe that you can too. Many men come to regret or reverse their decision to separate. And there are things that you can do to increase those chances. But do not allow the panic that you are feeling make you act in a way that you may regret. Much of the time, you’re not going to end up divorced tomorrow and you have some time to set this right. Here are some tips that I can offer based on my own experience.

Try To Get Him To Agree To An In-House Separation: This may be a long shot, but the biggest hurdle many wives face during their separations is a lack of access to their husbands. If you live under separate roofs, it can be a challenge to see or talk to your husband enough to maintain intimacy and to make progress. I’m not saying it is impossible, but life is definitely easier if you still see him regularly. Ask him to consider moving into the spare bedroom or basement. Assure him that you will respect his need for space. This living situation can have its own challenges, but it can be better than having him live somewhere else.

Ask For Fidelity: Stress that although you may be separated, you are still going to be married during this trial period. Therefore, you are going to be completely faithful and expect that he will too. This may seem old fashioned, but dealing with a separation is challenging enough without also dealing with the insecurity, jealousy, and anger that comes when you suspect your spouse is seeing someone else. That issue is very complex and makes reconciling that much more difficult.

Ask For Regular Contact: If your spouse refuses to have an in-house separation, the best compromise is to try to get him to commit to regular communication at a set time. When you know that you will talk to or see your spouse regularly, it is easier not to push too hard. Desperation most often comes when your access is limited and he’s never available. Regular communication addresses this problem. Some couples accomplish this with counseling and others agree to meet or call a set number of times each week.

These meetings should be constructive and positive. Ideally, they should be the stepping stones toward progress. If they aren’t, your husband may begin to try to beg off or may start to avoid you. The idea is that you begin to move closer to reconciliation, not further away from it.

Strive For Improvement On All Fronts: Even if you think your husband’s reasoning for the separation is invalid, it helps to figure out the areas of your marriage and your life that you can improve. It would be silly to go through all of this for nothing. You may not be able to fully control your husband’s behaviors and actions right now, but you can fully control your own. What can YOU do to improve your marriage? To improve yourself?

I did tons of self-help and self-improvement during my own separation. I did this partly to help pass the time, but I also did it because I knew that, no matter what happened with my marriage, I was going to fare better if I could make myself stronger and be the best version of myself. My husband wasn’t going to want to return to a depressed, clingy wife. But he might want to return to an upbeat, capable, and competent woman. These changes also increased my confidence so that I was eventually better able to deal with the challenges that cropped up during the separation.

I wish I could tell you that I did all of this from the beginning. Unfortunately, I didn’t. In some cases, I had to learn the hard way that desperation and pushing too hard gave me less access to my husband. Thankfully, I changed strategies in time to save my marriage.  That story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Says We Married Too Young So We Should Separate To Try The Life We Missed

Men In Their 50’s (Or In Midlife) Leaving Their Wives: Why This Is Happening More Often

I hear from many newly-separated wives who have been married for over twenty-five years. Many never saw the separation coming. They truly believed that they were happily settled, but then one day their husband announced that he wanted a break or separation. Many of these wives are fairly certain (and some know for sure) that part of the husband’s motivation comes from his desire to pursue a younger woman.

Someone might explain, “my husband is in his late 50’s. He has always been rock-solid. I have always been able to trust him completely. We had so many plans to travel during our retirement. We were both thrilled when he got a huge promotion at work because this would mean that we’d have more financial flexibility as we age. Well, my husband has decided to put off retirement and put off our marriage. He says he likes having more work responsibilities and challenges. And because he is more invested in his work, he seems to be less invested in our marriage. He now believes that we should ‘take a break.’ He’s not calling it a separation, but that’s exactly what it is. He plans to find an apartment close to his office. He denies that there is anyone else, but, coincidentally, he’s now spending much more time with a female colleague. And, here’s a huge surprise. She is much younger than me. I can’t believe that this is happening. This behavior is unlike my husband. And I’m not the only one. I have several friends who have gone through this. Why is this happening?”

Psychologists have many theories about the rise of “silver separations” in mid-life after a long and happy marriage. I will go over some of these theories below in the hopes that this will give you an idea of what you are dealing with and how to best handle it.

Men Are Entering The Top Of Their Earning Capabilities And The End Of Their Parenting: Many mental health specialists notice a correlation with men entering “the top of their game” professionally and then leaving their wives. Many of these men suddenly see a very bright financial future and therefore attract the attention of young female co-workers who are eager to please and climb the corporate ladder.

Not coincidentally, these men are also often at a time in their lives when their children are leaving home or heading off to college or to their own careers. Therefore, the husband may feel less of an obligation to “stay the course” for the sake of this family.

We Are Increasingly Living In A Me-First Society: There’s a reason that “selfies” are currently a thing. Partly due to social media, we have become a very “look at me” society. The individual is seen as very important – and sometimes as more important than the family. There is less shame in just wanting to be individually happy – whatever the cost. This is one reason our society embraces the phrase “YOLO” or “you only live once.”

If a man is a parent, he can definitely begin to ask, “when will it be my turn to focus on myself and my own contentment?” And these kinds of questions can send him well on his way toward individual thinking, without considering his spouse or his family’s wishes or needs.

Comparing Himself To Others Can Spell Disaster: Staying on the topic of social media and an “oversharing” society, this type of voyeur atmosphere makes it very easy for people to compare their lives and level of contentment with “friends.” Most of us know intellectually that many of the content that people post on social media is meant to convey a carefully crafted image. In reality, sometimes this image is very untrue or fake. Most of us fall for it anyway, though. It becomes easy to think that everyone is happier than you are. Sadly, many husbands uproot their lives for these mistaken beliefs. They chase a fantasy that never existed in the first place.

Some Of These Husbands Come Back: Believe it or not, some of these husbands do eventually come home with their tail between their legs. I have a male friend who did this and when I asked him why he made such an out-of-character decision, his response to me was, “There’s no fool like an old fool.” I know that this implies he’s using his age to justify his actions. But in truth, I think that he was trying to tell me that he was fully aware that he was quite stupid in both his thoughts and his behavior and he realized that aging brings up certain vulnerabilities that many people do not have in their youth.

When the husband does come back, the man can struggle to explain his behavior while the wife may struggle to trust him again. Both responses are understandable. If it’s any consolation, the husbands who do return are often very guarded in their behaviors afterward because, like my friend, they are embarrassed and they do feel like a silly old fool. So while the experience was probably awful, the husband can sometimes be very considerate during recovery because he is genuinely remorseful.

Of course, some husbands never come back. And those that do not often choose to keep believing that they have every right to take action to upgrade their life, (even if they mistakingly think it was an upgrade.) These husbands are so far gone that they do not care how high the cost of this change is or how much it is going to hurt others.

Unfortunately, some wives have to wait to see which category that their husband will fall into. Until then, take care of yourself. Make self-care and compassion your highest priority. Spend your time with people who value you. Focus on those parts of your life that do not include your husband. He must know that you are not waiting around on him because you believe yourself to deserve less. You do not. It’s not your fault that he’s going through this identity crisis. And there is no reason to let it his attitude become your own.

I know that all of this is easier said than done.  I struggled greatly during my own separation.  I had to force myself to let my friends surround me with love.  But friends and family were lifesavers.  My husband eventually did come around, but interestingly, he was much more interested in me when I toned down my interest in him.  You can read that whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Men In Their 50’s (Or In Midlife) Leaving Their Wives: Why This Is Happening More Often

« Previous Page — Next Page »