My Husband Left Me And Now He’s Acting Like We’re Just Friends

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who are very upset about how their husband is acting during a marital separation.  Often, their husband will attempt to distance themselves a bit or will act friendly but not loving.  In response, the wives will wonder if this means he’s beginning a new life without his wife and whether this means that their marriage is over.

A wife might say, in part: “my husband had been discussing us separating for a few months before I came home from work one day and found that he had left me.  He did leave a note telling me that he thought it would be easier on both of us if he left without a lot of discussion or fanfare.  He did tell me where he was staying and he did commit to keeping in contact.  But every time I call or see him, he acts like my friend and not my husband.  He acts cordial and relatively happy to see me, but he certainly keeps himself at a distance.  I am so confused when he acts like this.  Does this mean he just intends to be only my friend from now on? Should I confront him about this?  A friend of mine said I should be glad that he’s remaining friendly and should try to build on that.  Who is right?  What’s the best course of action going forward?”

I really felt this wives frustration because this is how I also felt when my husband and I were separated.  He was receptive enough to be friendly, but certainly not receptive enough to be loving.  And when I would bring this up, I would be met with questions like would I rather he be angry or rude?  It took me a while to realize that although our relationship wasn’t going how I wanted, at least we had a cordial relationship on which we could build.  I will elaborate further below.

It’s True That A Separated Husband Who Is Acting Friendly Is Better Than A Separated Husband Who Is Angry Or Combative:  This wife’s friend was correct in her assertion that things could always be worse.  I can tell you that I hear from so many separated wives who tell me that they have no idea where their husbands are living.  Or that their husband is either rude, mean, combative, or very distant to them.  I know that you want to feel like your husband’s wife and not his friend.   But remind yourself that if he is still giving you access to him and if you are relating to one another in a positive way, these are two huge assets that many separated wives just do not have.

Why Your Husband Might Be Acting This Way:  Many husbands will take a friendly but distant stance because they just aren’t sure what they want in the days and weeks ahead.  They are friendly because they want to maintain contact with their wife and they want to keep open the possibility of a reconciliation.  But they are acting like a friend rather than a lover because they don’t know where the relationship is going to lead and they don’t want to add any confusion into the mix. So they will try to make the best of things by remaining on friendly terms without making too much of a commitment until their feelings are more clear.

Don’t Push For Too Much Too Soon Or His Friendly Attitude May Quickly Change:  Quite understandably, many wives are not comfortable with this new situation and they want to feel like their husband’s wife again instead of his friend.  Many wives will attempt to confront him about his attitude.  Unfortunately, what can happen in this situation is that the husband may retreat because he’s just not ready to make a firm decision.  He figures if you are going to push him or try to make him feel guilty every time you speak or are together, then he will make sure that your communication is limited.  This will make it much harder for you to reconcile.

Have Patience, Remain Positive, And Focus On Your Own Happiness And Well Being:  Since it’s a fair assumption that your husband likely isn’t sure what he wants, it’s often best to try to be positive and patient.  This can be easier to accomplish if you keep yourself busy and try to focus on yourself and on what makes this period of time as bearable as is possible.  Remain in contact with friends and family who give you some comfort.  And know that you don’t always have to report back to your husband or to cater to his every whim.  Since he has taken the stance that you are friendly, then great, be friends.  You have other friends with whom you can also spend your time.  And don’t be surprised if you’re backing off just slightly suddenly makes him a little more interested in being more than your friend.  This is what happened in my case.  When I decided to give my husband the space he wanted, I was surprised that this actually made him interested in me again.

Please understand that I’m not suggesting that you see other people or play cruel mind games.  But I am suggesting that you follow his lead and keep things light-hearted and casual.  Often, just this little bit of backing off will make him wonder about the source behind your change in behavior.  And it may make him decide that he wants to be more than just friendly.

As I alluded to, as soon as I turned the tables on my husband just a little bit, he suddenly changed his stance on the whole friendship thing.  If it helps, you can read that whole story on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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Can I Save My Marriage If My Husband Is No Longer Attracted To Me?

By: Leslie Cane:  This is a very common concern.  Sometimes, the wives who contact me about this just suspect that their husband isn’t attracted to them anymore.  They notice that he doesn’t initiate contact or want to have sex nearly as much.  Or, he rarely (if ever) compliments them on their appearance anymore.  Sometimes, he seems almost ashamed to be seen with them.   Other times, the husband has very directly told the wife that he isn’t attracted to her anymore.  Hearing these words can be worse than having to guess or wonder.

I recently heard from a wife who was in this same situation.  She had been repeatedly asking her husband what was wrong with him because he never seemed to want to be intimate with her.  Finally after she continued to bring the topic up repeatedly, the husband blurted out that he was no longer attracted to her.  She said, in part: “he didn’t say it in a mean way.  In fact, I could tell that he didn’t want to say anything at all but he felt the need to be honest with me and to give me answers.  He said that he didn’t want to hurt me, but that he was no longer attracted to me in a physical, sexual way.  He said he still loved me as his wife and as the mother of his kids, but that he no longer gets a charge out of or is aroused by my body, which has changed quite a bit since we first got married.  I’ve had three kids in a very short time and I’ve put on some weight.  Also, with three small kids underfoot, I don’t spend as much time on my appearance.  So, I can’t deny that there are changes in me.  But there are changes in him too.  He’s gained weight and lost some hair and I’m still attracted to and love him.   Why can’t he do the same?  And does this mean the end of my marriage?  Can I save my marriage, even though he’s no longer physically attracted to me?  I think our love and our marriage is so much deeper than this, but I know that men usually don’t feel the same way.”

I know that this likely felt like a horrible situation to this wife.  No one wants to hear their spouse say that he or she isn’t attracted to you anymore.  But, I have to tell you that, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t the biggest or most devastating marital  problem that you can have.  In my experience,  there are much more difficult issues to overcome like infidelity, differing outlooks and lifestyles, or complete incompatibility.  None of these were the issue here.  The husband was clear on the fact that he still loved his wife on the inside. He just wasn’t as excited about her outward appearance, at least right now.  I don’t mean to diminish this issue.  It absolutely hurt the wife and it had to be addressed right away.  But I didn’t feel that it was a problem that was insurmountable or had to lead to divorce.

Before You Consider Any Dramatic Changes To Your Appearance, Consider That Sometimes Attractiveness Has Less To Do With Your Looks And More To Do With An Emotional Connection And The Effort That You Put Into Your Marriage: Many wives in this situation automatically want to make drastic changes in their appearance hoping that this will automatically fix the problem.  That’s often just a temporary band aid.  Because plenty of happily married men have wives whose appearance changes over the years and yet those husbands are still very attracted to their wives.  Of course, the loyalty and the personality of the people involved will always come into play, but much of the time, attraction has as much to do with the health of the relationship and the confidence and security portrayed by those in it as it does with how you actually look.  In other words, if spouses are firmly bonded and enjoying the relationship, they are much more likely to see their spouse more positively and these perceptions  include physical attraction.

The wife admitted that she rarely had time for herself, let alone for her husband.  I suspected that if both of them gave themselves permission to prioritize their marriage as well as their own self care they might see some differences in how they felt about themselves and about one another.  Because here’s something that folks in this situation sometimes forget.  It’s not as if this husband were never attracted to his wife.  It’s not as if she didn’t find the physical attributes that he had found attractive all along. It’s just that, with the stress of trying to juggle their growing and busy family, it’s likely that his perceptions had changed.  Of course, the wife admitted that her appearance had changed, but I doubted that it had changed so dramatically that there was nothing left.  And I felt that focusing on the relationship as much as her appearance could yield the best results.

If You’re Going To Tweak Your Appearance, Make Sure That You Do So Based On What Will Make You Feel Confident And Happy.  (You Should Not Change What You Like Or Who You Are Just For Someone Else:) In my view and experience, confidence and personality are both such a huge part of attraction.  Women who are confident and outgoing are seen as much more attractive than those who are doubtful and withdrawn. We’ve all known women who aren’t all that attractive to us, but who have legions of admirers because of their personality and their confidence.  Of course, the wife immediately wanted to diet and change her outward appearance, but doing so without thinking very hard about it first likely wasn’t going to do much for her confidence level.  That’s why it’s so important to ask yourself what is most important and attractive to you.

The weight issue had been bothering the wife long before her husband mentioned anything so it was probably appropriate that she address this if it made her feel better about herself and prioritized her own health.  I felt that reaching out to her husband and making weight loss a journey that they took together would be a good idea. After all, he could stand to lose a few pounds himself and working out together could be time for them to reconnect.  Once the husband saw the wife’s efforts and spent more time with her, I suspected that things would improve.   As far as hair, make up and clothes go, I feel that it’s important to look your best so that you feel good about what you’re putting out there.  But I would never encourage you to look or dress in such a way that makes you uncomfortable or that you yourself don’t like and didn’t choose.

Always remember that people who are connecting regularly will likely feel more attracted to one another as the result.  What you put into something is usually an indicator of what you will get out of it.  And if you are giving and receiving affection with enthusiasm, really listening to your spouse, and participating in give and take, this is very attractive as well.

So, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that it’s entirely possible to save your marriage when your husband says he’s not attracted to you.  Because attraction encompasses so many different things.  And frankly, once the relationship improves and your husband sees and effort, it’s likely that the attraction will return.

When my husband and I were having problems, I suspect that my husband wasn’t all that attracted to me.   But I think that this was a reflection on the state of our marriage as much as it was my looks.  Thankfully, the relationship is where I placed my attention first and this got me the results that I wanted.  If it helps, read more of that personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Powerful, Nonintuitive Tactics to Get Your Husband Back

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes tell wives that very often the most powerful tactic to getting your husband back is doing those things that work but don’t feel intuitive.  It’s not necessarily thinking about what you want to do and then doing the opposite, but often the things that feel right at the time are the things that cause lasting damage that can be hard to overcome.

What I mean by that is that it’s very natural to allow the severity of the situation (and your fear) to lead your actions rather than thinking this through.  For example, it can feel really good at the time to give your husband an earful or to bombard him with questions about why he is doing this.  It can be very satisfying to tell him that you think he’s being selfish right now, but in the end, these things are only going to confirm (to him at least) that he was right all along.

Instead, to get him back, you often need to swim against the tide and act in a way that he wouldn’t expect.  You need to get his attention and to give him pause, but often we go about doing this in negative ways.  Below, I’ll tell you tactics that often get husbands back through positive, not negative, reinforcement.

Never Do Or Say Anything That You Can’t Take Back Or That Would Significantly Weaken Your Position: I often give women this phrase to help keep them on track when they are negotiating getting their husbands back.  I’ll tell you now what almost never works, at least long term, yet we all do it.

What annoys a husband more than anything (and pushes him further away) is the wife who goes completely over top and takes the “get his attention at all cost” approach. She stalks.  She argues.  She belittles.  She threatens.  Then, when that doesn’t work, she lays all of the desperate cards on the table and tells him that she can’t possibly live without him.  Often, when that doesn’t work, she’ll swing the other way and try to play the jealousy or seduction cards.

The problem with these things is that they cause confusion and negative emotions in your husband.  He sees this as Jekyll / Hyde type behavior and he can often see this as being volatile and unstable.  Often in this environment, although he may feel pity and guilt, he really can’t get away fast enough.  And, do you really want your husband coming back to you because he feels responsibility or sorrow – or do you want him there because that’s where he genuinely wants to be?

First Validation, Then Silence: Hopefully, you now see that the things that feel so right and satisfying when you’re doing them are often, in reality, quite wrong. So, here’s where we go out on a limb and do the thing he’s not expecting.  This tactic works because it is based on undeniable human nature.  Everyone wants to be right and everyone wants to be heard.  Validation is the single most important way to get started.  You want for your husband to know without a doubt that you’ve heard him, understood him, and that, although you may not agree, you respect his right to his feelings and wishes.

After all, you’re the person who promised to honor him.  So, now’s the time to make good on that.  I often tell wives to go right ahead and agree that his assessment of the marriage is dead on.  Yep, he’s not happy.  Yes, he has the right to be.  No, this has been no picnic in the park for you either.  And this is upsetting because you once loved each other so much.  But, you both do deserve to be content and secure.  So for your part, your goal is going to be interacting with him in a way that moves you both toward the goal of both being happier and more at peace and away from things as they stand now (the two of you moving further apart.)  It often helps to concede that you realize that you can’t control his thoughts and feelings and wouldn’t dare try.  Your simple goal is to just interact with him on a more positive level.

Now, maybe pulling this off is going to be difficult because you’ve already been doing the opposite of this. Or, maybe you feel that you will choke on these words or not quite be able to be convincing because you really don’t feel this way.  You can overcome this.  First, you may not really feel this way, but you need to take one for the team right now.  Second, maybe you’ve come across completely differently prior to this, but you can calmly and convincingly state that you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and you’ve realized that you’ve had a change of heart.

Once you’ve said what you need to say, lay low.  Don’t follow him around to see if the plan is working.  Let him come to you.  With your words, you’ve insinuated that you were sincere, non-threatening, and respectful.  Now, it’s time to follow that up with your actions.

Appearing And Actually Being Who He Really Wants:  Often when I get to this part, wives will ask some variation of “what, do you want me to pretend to be somewhat I’m not? Do you want me to lie to him?” Absolutely not. No, I don’t.  But, I want you to think about who you were when he first fell in love with you and contrast that with who you were when he wanted out.  I am pretty sure that these are two different people, right?

And, in asking that question, I’m not casting blame.  I completely understand that as women, we juggle a million and two things and this can sort of drown out the happy go lucky, open person we once were.  But, I need to tell you that the smiling, attentive, positive person that he fell in love with is the one he wants.  I can not tell you how many men tell me that their wives have changed drastically and no longer have any time for anything other than the job, the friends, and the kids.

This has to shift immediately. He has to know that, once things are back on track, you will make him a priority.  But, first, you have to turn his head.  Again, I’m going to tell you to do what’s not intuitive.  Many women will show up somewhere all dressed up and playing the seduction game.  This sometimes works if you play it right.  But, I often think it’s better to let him come to you. So, how can you turn his head without making the first move? You have him find out what’s going on by proxy.  Surely, you have mutual friends. Surely, the things that you do get back to him?

There are really three steps to this process.  First, you dust yourself off, dress yourself up, and you go out and have a genuinely good time. You see your friends and you do the things that give you pleasure.  Try not to do this just for the sake of doing it.  Everyone has something that is a good time for them. Do whatever that is.

Second, make sure that he knows you’re doing it.  You can accomplish this through mutual friends or by bumping into him during this (make sure it is convincing.)

Third, you’re going to want to show him you still can be the woman that he loved way back in the day.  This is who he wants.  And, I’m not asking you to change who you are or to lie.  You already are her.  She’s you and always was.  But, life and obligations got in the way. Now’s the time to take her back.

Getting my own husband back forced me to swim against the tide many times. But, looking back, this was the only thing that actually brought him back willingly and fully committed. By using these tactics, I was able to not only restore his love and interest, but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Wants Me To Leave Him Alone During Our Separation

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel very lonely, isolated, and vulnerable during their trial or marital separation. Often, the husband had assured the wife that the separation was going to work one way, but the wife is finding that it is now working in an entirely different way.

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I separated about five weeks ago. He gave me the excuse that he felt he needed some time to himself. He assured me that he would let me know where he was and that he would check in from time to time. He asked me to respect his need for space and I said that I would. After he had been gone for a couple of days, I called him and I could tell that he wasn’t happy to hear from me. He said that he was busy and that he would call me back. He never did. So the next day I came by. Every time I want to talk or see my husband, I have to be the one to initiate it. The other day, I came by his apartment and he had people over. He was obviously angry to see me. He finally blurted out that he just wants me to leave him alone for a while. I was so upset I turned and ran away and we haven’t been in contact since. I am so hurt by this. He’s made it clear that he wants for me to leave him alone. But I don’t know if I can. I miss him. He’s my husband. I want to save my marriage and I don’t know if I can do that if we don’t even talk or communicate.”

I know first hand how painful this is. And I also understand that the more he pulls away, the more you are overtaken by fear and the more you might feel that you have to hold on even tighter. But it’s my opinion and experience that you often reach the point where continuing to push even harder is only going to damage your marriage that much more.

I remember thinking that if only I could see my husband and make him understand, then I could change his mind. But what I didn’t get at the time is that the more I followed him around trying to get him to listen, the more he thought I was unstable and a pest and the more he wanted to get away from me. This made him less likely to objectively listen to anything that I had to say.

I am not saying that this marriage has reached a similar place. I honestly didn’t know if it had. But I do know that often continuing on with something that is no longer working will sometimes make things even worse. That’s why I think that it’s sometimes worth it to try another strategy which I’ll discuss now.

Understand That For Right Now, He Isn’t Asking You To Leave Him Alone Forever: Often when a woman hears her husband ask to be alone, her mind goes to the worst place possible. She can begin to fear that he may want to be alone forever. This isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes, he really does just need some time. And there are also times when you do give him that time that he has asked for, and he finds that it is lonely rather than freeing.

Sometimes what we don’t realize is that we haven’t yet allowed this process to work for us. He hasn’t had time to miss us because there hasn’t yet been any real separation. I know that letting him out of your sight is hard. I know that when you don’t hear from him you wonder if he’s forgetting about you or seeing someone else. These fears are hard to overcome. But it becomes easier to do this if you realize that not doing it is only making him want more freedom from you.

So sometimes, you have to turn the tables a little bit. You have to give him precisely what he asked for – his own time – and then allow him to see that it isn’t what he assumed.

This won’t always happen immediately. And it’s certainly not always easy. But when you consider that the alternative is to continue to push him when he’s made it clear that he isn’t receptive to that, then the choice becomes a little easier to make.

How To Begin To Give Him More Space While Remaining Hopeful: Some wives ask me if they should make an announcement that they are now going to back off or if they should just let their silence do the talking. This is really up to you and it often depends upon the state of your relationship at the time. In my case, I did tell my husband because I chose to go out of town for a while and I didn’t want him to wonder where I’d gone.

So I just told him that I was going home to visit family and friends and that he wouldn’t hear from me for a while because I too was taking some time for myself. I am sure that at first, he thought something like “good riddance.” But eventually, the space actually worked for me instead of against me. And he actually took the initiative the next time when he reached out to me.

I know it hurts to hear him tell you to leave him alone for a while. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be forever and if you don’t willingly do it, then he may take his space by force, meaning he will start to limit your access to him. And this is probably not what you want.

As I alluded to, when my husband and I separated, I made a huge pest out of myself and eventually, he pushed me away just to get a reprieve.  However, once I gave him space and told him that I was taking my own, things dramatically changed and he reached out to me. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Do I Get My Husband To Pay Me More Attention Without Being Needy And Demanding? His Inattention And Apathy Are Hurting Our Marriage.

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives desperately want more of their husband’s undivided and loving attention, but they aren’t sure how to ask for or inspire this behavior. Understandably, these wives are afraid of appearing needy or nagging if they approach their husbands about their desire for more attention. 

A wife might say, “I’m almost embarrassed to talk about this, but my husband never pays attention to me anymore. I changed my hair color last week, and he did not even notice. If I get dressed up just for him, I literally have to ask him if he noticed the effort that I made. If I get sick, he won’t say anything unless I bring it to his attention. Last month, I had to take an important test for work. I’ve been studying for months. I was very nervous about it. My mom called me on the morning of the test. I got texts from friends and co-workers wishing me luck. But my husband barely acknowledged it. When I passed, my husband half-heartedly congratulated me. This type of inattention hurts and makes me worry about my marriage. If he can’t give me even the most basic level of attention, then I have to ask myself if he even cares at all. At the same time, I resent always having to ask for his attention. It’s as if I have to beg for any crumb that he gives me. And I know that this makes me seem very needy. At times, he gives me the feeling that he thinks I am nagging him when I ask for more. I know that I may seem petty. But I need for my husband to pay more attention to me so that I no longer feel invisible in my own house and in my own marriage. What do I have to do to inspire his attention? Because if this doesn’t improve, I’m very worried about my marriage.”

I don’t blame you for being worried. In fact, my husband’s waning attention inspired early suspicions that my marriage was in trouble. I ignored this warning. But I wasn’t wrong. We did eventually separate and although we later reconciled, I should have paid attention. So give yourself credit (rather than criticism) for noticing. Because noticing is the first step toward taking the action that might get you what you want and improve (or even save) your marriage. Below, I’ll share some things I learned during my own separation about inspiring the behavior you want to see by understanding basic human nature.

Know That This Process May Seem Counterintuitive: I know first hand that when you’re seeking more of your husband’s attention, you feel as though you NEED it. You feel as if you’re starving and the attention is the only thing that is going to address your hunger. It’s no wonder that wives seeking their husband’s attention come off as needy. However, you probably already realize that you more you crave his attention, the more likely you are to try over-the-top, obvious plays to get it. And the more you exhibit this “needy” or attention-seeking behavior, the less likely he is going to be to give it to you. Much of the time, in a cruel irony, he will pull back, which means you get LESS attention, not more. 

Understand That Any Attempts To Get More Attention Should Be Playful And Positive: Honestly, I did not realize that my behavior was technically negative right before my separation. I was imploring my husband to work on the marriage. I was trying to make him see how important it was that he join hands with me and make our marriage work before it was too late. These are understandable goals, but what I didn’t understand at the time was that they made my husband feel guilty, discouraged, and overwhelmed. 

When he didn’t immediately hop into place doing what I wanted him to do, I admit that I did nag. Needless to say, he pulled away.  He eventually pulled away so far that he left. 

It took being completely on the door of divorce for me to loosen my grip. As soon as I did, he gave me more access to him.  That was the first step toward reconciliation.  

My point is this: when you want attention, you often feel like you have to demand or take it. He’s not paying attention to you, so you’re going to have to pull out of the stops to get him to glance your way. Unfortunately, much of the time, he not only won’t give you the attention that you want, but he will be even harder to reach.

When you catch yourself feeling needy, know that you may have to act in the OPPOSITE way of what you are feeling. 

Understand That When You Feel Good And Don’t Need Attention, You Naturally Get It: Have you ever noticed that when you feel on top of your game, the circumstances actually rise up to meet you? In truth, women who are ALREADY confident in themselves and their worth usually have boyfriends and husbands who reinforce this with attention?

It’s a cruel irony that when circumstances bring us down so that we NEED reassurance and attention, we are so much less likely to get it. So how do you flip this?

You make it so you don’t NEED anything, and you exhibit the behaviors that make you MORE likely to get what you need.

The Behaviors That Make Attention More Likely (Without Neediness, Nagging, Or Desperation: I hope I’ve made it obvious that self-confidence makes it more likely for you to get your spouse’s attention. I know that willing yourself to display confidence will take some doing, but I also believe that if I can do this in the middle of a separation, anyone can do it. 

I’ve also noticed several additional behaviors that inspire men to pay attention to you. They are:

  • Playful flirting. You have to pull this off as if you have no expectations. Just playfully interact with your husband. Tease him. Touch him. But make sure these interactions are very light-hearted.

 

  • Give and maintain eye contact. When you bend down to eye-level and stare intently at your husband, this sends the message that what you are about to discuss with him is serious and requires undivided attention.

 

  • Speak plainly. Sometimes we hope that our husband “just understands” that something is important to us. We think that because we are married, we shouldn’t have to spell things out. This may be true for our best girlfriends, but it isn’t always true of our husbands. When something is very important to you, be very straightforward about it.

 

  • Demonstrate the behavior that you want. Honestly, this is so easy but so few of us do it. Give your husband the behavior that you want. Do you want him to sit quietly and listen intently when you talk? Then this is exactly how you should respond to him in conversations. Do you want him to rub your back or massage your shoulders when you’re stressed? Offer that same sequence to him. In this way, you’re teaching him what you want. When he reciprocates, tell him how much it means to you so that he wants to keep doing it. 

 

  • Have fun – regularly. Have you ever noticed that if you are engaged in and laughing with someone, you feel very close to them? You’re not going to ignore someone with whom you regularly have a wonderful time. Ask yourself how often you and your spouse just have fun. Most of the examples above (being sick, taking a test, etc.) were reflections of stressful times. It’s very important to balance fun and stress so your husband isn’t making a habit of blocking out stressful circumstances when he interacts with you.

 

  • Stay close. This is common sense, but it is often forgotten. If your husband is strongly bonded to you, he WANTS to be attentive. If you’re not as close as you have been, it’s going to much harder to demand or lure his attention. But once you start clicking with him again, he’s going to be much more attentive.

As I hope I have demonstrated, it is better to lure or inspire your husband’s attention that to attempt to “get” or demand it.  When you pull him closer with positivity, he wants to reciprocate, not pull away.  I wish I had followed my own advice.  I am now happily married. I survived the separation, but if I had used positivity, I may have avoided it.  And believe me, it is much harder to get your husband’s attention during a separation. But I learned to do it. That whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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For How Long Should I Wait For My Husband To Come Back Before I Move On With My Life?

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who have long been discouraged about their husband coming back home.  Many had high hopes in the beginning, but those same hopes are fading fast today.  It can be difficult to be patient when you’re seeing no real progress and no end in sight.

I heard from a wife, who said, in part: “my husband moved out eight months ago.  Neither of us has filed for a divorce but he seems to have moved on with his life.   We aren’t in regular contact, although we do run into one another sometimes.   All along, I’ve hoped that he would come to his senses, see that single life wasn’t for him, and come home.  That is no closer to happening today than it was on the day he moved out.  I’m pretty sure he’s seeing other people.  I’m not seeing anyone and don’t intend to.  I’m still invested in my marriage.  But my friends and family tell me I’m crazy.  They say that he has obviously moved on and it’s time that I do the same.  I know that they are probably right.  But in my own mind, I keep thinking that as long as we are not legally divorced, there is still a chance.   What do you think?  How long is reasonable to wait until I’m forced to move on with my life?”

I know exactly where this wife was coming from.  When you still love your husband and you still believe in your marriage, the thought of just walking away when there might be a chance to salvage what is left is excruciating.   You worry that you’ll turn your back and move on only to wonder what would have happened if you gave it a little more time.

I believe that you can begin the process of moving on with your life without needing to give up on your marriage, at least in the beginning.  This can potentially allow you the best of both worlds because you still have hope, but for your own self preservation, you’re allowing yourself the opportunity to get on with your life.

Moving On With Your Life While Still Hoping That Your Marriage Will Be Saved: When I say “move on with your life” I don’t mean immediately going out with anyone of the opposite sex who asks.   Besides, if you’re still invested in your marriage, going out in a romantic way with someone else is just going to feel like a forced exercise in futility and that’s not fair to anyone.

But, nothing says that you can’t pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go out with friends who offer you support.   The wife in this situation was sitting at home night after night watching TV, reading romantic novels, and obsessively pouring over her wedding photos.  And, this is quite understandable (and even comforting) in the beginning, but this had been going on for several months.  In short, she was stuck in a self destructive loop because what she was doing wasn’t really making her all that much more hopeful.  It wasn’t improving her situation with her husband.  And it wasn’t offering her any relief in how badly she already felt.

So it probably wouldn’t hurt to take a break from the four walls of her lonely apartment and laugh a little with her friends, who she’d all but shut herself away from.  Supportive human contact can be like a life raft in a situation like this.  Going out with her girlfriends in situations where she could forget her problems while laughing and bonding with a bunch of giggling women wasn’t going to affect (or even hurt) the process that was going on in her marriage.  And it might help her outlook as she struggled through it.  Getting out and seeing friends doesn’t mean  giving up on your marriage.  It just means that you care enough about yourself to prioritize your own needs and wishes.

I often encourage people to remove themselves from the endless loop of staring at the same four walls while dwelling on what you think you might have lost.  You will feel better if you pursue your passions or hobbies and surround yourself with those that can make you laugh and distract you from your troubles.

And sometimes, as you’re living your life once again rather than waiting for someone else, you might find that this suddenly makes your husband a bit more interested.  This is not at all uncommon.  Because he usually will wonder what brought about your change in attitude and he will see you as a stronger and more capable person.  In my opinion, you really don’t have anything to lose by moving on with your life while still hoping that he will eventually come around.  You’re still open to your marriage, but you’re allowing yourself to feel a little better by opening the door to those people who care about and want to support you.

I understand feeling like you might be betraying your husband or giving up if you commit to opening yourself up to living your own life.  But often, this helps the situation instead of hurting it.  I was very reluctant to start going out with my friends during our separation.  But quite frankly, as soon as I did, my husband actually became interested in me again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Do I Make My Husband Love Me Again During Our Separation? How To Pull Him Closer When You Feel Him Pulling Away.

By: Leslie Cane: If the martial or trial separation was never your choice, then the chances are good that you are looking for any way to end it and to carry on with your marriage.  Many people suspect that one very efficient and effective way to end the separation is for their spouse to come to the realization that they are still in love.  This isn’t as easy as it would seem, though.  Especially since sometimes, a spouse who wants the separation in the first place has doubts about this love.  So, assuming that it might be lost, how do you get this love back when you are separated?

For example, someone might ask: “my husband and I have been separated for almost three months.  Initially, he gave me the ‘I need space line,’ but as the separation went on and as I began to push him for answers, he started admitting that he wasn’t sure about his feelings for me.  One day I got really upset and I demanded to know if he still loved me. He hesitated for several minutes.  That alone let me know that I was not going to like his answer.  He finally said that he wasn’t sure, but I suspect that this was to spare my feelings more than it was to give me an honest answer.  I’m pretty sure that he thinks that he doesn’t love me anymore.  I’m equally as sure that if I could get him to love me again, our marriage might stand a chance.  But honestly, he is very cold to me all of the time.  I’ve tried to improve my appearance.  I call him every night to try to get him to connect with me.  I ask his friends what I can do.  But I still haven’t gotten the response that I want.  How do I get him to love me again?”

Often The Harder You Push, The More He Pulls Away: I know how you feel.  I asked these same questions during my own separation. But here is what I found.  The more I tried to “get” or “make” him love me, the less likely he was to respond.  In fact, the more I tried to manipulate this to my advantage, the less my husband seemed to love me at all.  At first, I tried to ignore this fact and I simply tried to push harder.  I became even more determined that no matter what, he was going to love me again.  This only frustrated us both and I honestly think that my husband responded with his own determination that he was not going to be swayed by me.

One day, I realized that my actions were actually getting me FURTHER AWAY from what I wanted.  So I decided to take a break.  I went home to spend time with my parents and friends.  The distance meant I simply couldn’t reach out to my husband as much.  And a strange thing eventually happened.  He began to take the initiative to reach out to me – for the first time in a very long time. That’s when I made a very important realization.  Once I stopped trying to manipulate my husband and I ceased the desperate behavior, things changed.

Holding Back To Gain Some Ground: I can’t tell you that when we were interacting or talking, that somewhere in the back of my mind, I wasn’t hoping that he would love me again.   Of course I was.  But I was very careful to not act on these thoughts.  I tried to keep things light between us because I knew that when I did, it was much more likely that he would ask to see me again.

I can only speak for myself.  But here is what I think most contributed to my husband loving me again.  I stopped trying to MAKE him do so.  I worked on myself while we were living apart.  I saw friends and continued to live my life.  He saw me doing this and it made a difference.  And on the occasions we did talk, I tried to make it as pleasant as it could possibly be.

Never Underestimate Time Used Correctly: Then there was the time factor. I believe that all of the above COMBINED with time, helped my cause greatly. Eventually, my husband started to miss me, which made him start to remember the positive things about me that he now couldn’t experience.  This was an important shift because when my husband thought about me, he started to think not of the negative things, but of the positive things.

This shift changed the tone of our interactions.  It suddenly became easier to have fun together and to connect.  This is when we started to gel again.  It was very tempting at this point to dissect our marriage, pick it apart, and name what was wrong.  I resisted that urge, however, because I thought that things were too delicate.  We did eventually get some professional help/self-help with our marriage.  And we needed that, but I eased my way into this because I knew that early on, every positive step was fragile.  I just wanted the feelings to return – very strongly and very securely – before I tackled our problems.

I think that in order for a husband to fall back in love with you, he needs to see the woman who he initially fell in love with.  This is a big challenge when you are separated, which is why you sometimes need to step back.  It’s so tempting to show him the scared, paranoid, and desperate wife who is separated.  Instead, you need to show him the happy go lucky, fun, intense woman who he dated.  At least that is what eventually worked for me. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Trial Separation Success Stories: What Many Of Them Have In Common

By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated and looking for any type of hope that you can still save your marriage, you’re often on the look out for success stories of people who have been able to accomplish this.  At least I know I was.  You hope that you are not trying to accomplish the impossible.  And often, one of your biggest challenges is keeping the hope alive and not feeling discouraged.

So in this article, I thought I’d tell you some of the characteristics that I believe many of the success stories have in common.  With this said, there isn’t one “right” or “wrong” way to get your separated spouse back.  I’ve seen wives do exactly what didn’t work for me and have wonderful results.  I don’t think that there’s alway a “one size fits all solution.”  But I do notice that many of the separations that eventually end successfully share common features, which I’ll discuss now.

At Least One Spouse Still Cares:  Sometimes, you can start your separation with two angry people involved.  Both people can claim that they want nothing to do with their spouse or that they are done.  I am not always overly bothered by the anger.  Because it shows that at least the couple are still invested enough to feel the anger.  You wouldn’t be angry if you did not care.  I also believe that it sometimes only takes one invested spouse. Sure, this is harder.  You’re going to have an easier time if both people are still actively invested.  But I’ve seen one person eventually bring the other around.  This can’t happen though if there is no one there to take the initiative.

No One Is Seriously Seeing Someone Else:  I hesitated to put this in because I can’t tell you that I’ve never seen a reconciliation when the separated couple were seeing other people.  I have seen this.  But it is much more rare.  It helps if the spouse’s are not seeing other people or, if they are, they are only dating casually, with the full knowledge that they are still married and still unsure of what is going to happen with their marriage.  When people start dating others, it will often change the dynamic of the separation in a negative way and it creates confusion and drama.  I never encourage dating during a separation.  I think it’s best to tell yourself that you can date others once you are divorced if that’s what you want.  But while you are still married, you should not, at least in my experience.

The Arguments You’re Having Aren’t Personal Attacks:  Many of the couples who I see successfully reconcile play fair during their separation.  Sure, they may fight.  They may be very angry at one another.  But the fights don’t get personal.  You might be angry at what your spouse does or says.  You may be frustrated with their behavior, but you are not calling them out as a deplorable person.  You might tell your spouse that their behavior is selfish, but you aren’t saying things like: “you are a selfish loser who will never change.”  I find that it’s much easier to patch things up when you know that your spouse still respects you as a person.  And when the fights get personal or are character assassinations, its very hard to maintain this belief.

At Least One Person Keeps An Open Mind And Doesn’t Close Themselves Off:  In the beginning of the separation, it’s normal to feel discouraged.  You don’t know what is going to happen.  But it helps to tell yourself that you are going to just wait and see, because you can’t possibly know how this is going to end.  But if both people are proclaiming that their marriage is over and are closing themselves off to the possibility of ever reconciling, then the situation becomes much harder because you are resistant and closed off to your spouse.  I encourage people to try to look at it like: “things certainly aren’t great right now.  Things may look discouraging.  But things can also change.  Right now, I’m not going to determine the outcome with a bad attitude or with any set expectations. I’m just going to wait and see.”

At Least One Person Still Remembers The Commitment That They Made:  I find that in the end, the turn in the tide of your separation often comes down to one person thinking something like: “you know, I made a commitment to be with this person forever.  I owe it to myself or to them to see if I can somehow change the negative course our marriage is on.”   It would be great if both people had this thought process.  But sometimes, there is only one in the beginning.  And that can be OK.  But it’s hard to swing things more positively if neither person remembers their commitment.  Because when things look bad and everything is going wrong between you, sometimes the commitment is all you have to fall back on – at least until things improve.

At Least One Person Remembers That It Can Be Very Good Between You:  When things turn sour in our marriage, it’s very easy to just focus on what is wrong.  You can start to forget that in the past, you and your spouse were crazy about one another and very happy.  But, remembering this can dramatically change the way that you approach or deal with your spouse during the separation.  Because if you can remember the good, then you have something to move toward.

Not seeing every one of these signs doesn’t mean that you can’t successfully reconcile.  This is just a general list of the things that I see.  If you don’t see yourself here, then you have something to work toward.  I honestly think that the most important attribute to have is the ability to be patient and to not give up.

Things don’t always progress as we want them to.  But those who successfully reconcile are willing to wait until tomorrow when today looks bad.  They don’t turn their backs on their marriage just because things aren’t going their way today.  They are willing to wait and see before they take drastic measures.

I wish I could tell you that I had all of the above criteria going into my separation, but I absolutely did not.  And my husband probably didn’t have any of them.  I learned as I went along and I had to change many of my beliefs and behaviors. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Can I Attract My Husband Back To Me While We’re Separated?

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are very anxious to get their husbands back during a trial or marital separation. Often, they truly are doing the best that they can. They are trying to stay strong and trust the process. But they usually miss their husbands terribly and they are terrified that a divorce in the their future.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband and I have been separated for about five weeks. He doesn’t have much contact with me. He does see the kids regularly but he seems to want to avoid me. Once after the kids had their sports games, we went out to dinner. We all seemed to have a good time and we laughed a lot. I thought that might lead to him wanting to see me more but it hasn’t. I have called him a couple of times trying to take the initiative but he has pretty much shut me down. I don’t know what to do. He used to be so attracted to me and now it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. And yet, I can’t forget that night at the restaurant. I know he was flirting with me. I caught him checking me out. I don’t know how he can turn it off and on like that. How can I attract him to me while we’re separated and when I don’t see him very often?”

I could almost feel this wife’s desperation and not just because she was very descriptive. I know what she was feeling because I have been there myself. I was that same wife who was trying so hard to attract her separated husband and get his attention. But the unfortunate truth is that the harder I tried, the less interested he was. The more I tried to pull him toward me, the more rejected I felt. And, it wasn’t until I literally almost threw up my hands and backed away that he suddenly became interested (and dare I say attracted) to me again. But it was a long process that I made harder by refusing to see what was right in front of me. I will explain more below.

See If You Can Manufacture Accidental Run Ins That Are Not Overly Obvious: Before you throw up your hands like I did (which actually ended up working,) see if you can manufacture a casual meeting that hopefully goes well and leads to more. For example, in this scenario the wife knew with everything she had that she and her husband clicked and flirted when they went out to eat as a family. But, this hadn’t been replicated. So I felt it was worth a try to see if she could recreate this somehow. She had been waiting for her husband to approach her and he hadn’t. And, she had taken the initiate but been rejected. So it was worth a try to see if she could manufacture a chance meeting. Perhaps she could accidentally run into him somewhere that she knew he was going. Or she could invite him to one of her kids’ events with the hopes that another restaurant outing would follow.

But no matter how you go about this, make it seem easy and unplanned. Don’t appear nervous or show that this is all you have been thinking about for days. Please believe me when I say that it is vitally important that you appear to be busy and coping. A depressed, desperate person who is placing a lot of pressure on her husband is not going to be seen as attractive as someone who is doing her best to remain busy, true to herself, and remaining as positive as she possibly can. Appear as relaxed as you can muster. Laugh. Make light of the conversation. Show him the playful woman he used to love. Make sure that you look your best but don’t appear that you are trying too hard or got all dressed up especially for an occasion that should be unplanned and casual. If it’s clear that you planned it all along, the results are probably not going to be what you are hoping for.

If All Else Fails, Try Backing Away To Pique His Curiosity: In my own situation, it became clear that my husband wasn’t particularly interested or attracted to me while I was pursuing him. Eventually, I felt so badly about the situation that I was on the verge of giving up. High school friends and family urged me to come back to my hometown for some TLC. I finally relented and went back for a visit. But I didn’t tell my husband I was going because I didn’t think he would care.

Frankly, going home was exactly what I needed. I came back refreshed, not nearly as frantic, and more accepting of whatever should happen with my husband. I decided to just see what was going to unfold and to try not to push so hard. I didn’t have high hopes for this new strategy, but eventually it worked quite well. My husband had wondered where I went. He wondered why suddenly I was so silent. He may have wondered if there was someone else. Unbelievably, he started to reach out to me. I had been reading a lot about not trying too hard and the laws of attraction. So although I was absolutely dying to fall into his arms and beg him to come back, I held off and tried to let him take the initiative some. This helped tremendously and I have no doubt that this made me appear much more attractive to him. When I suddenly wasn’t trying so hard and was no longer measuring my day by his response to me, suddenly everything I did worked so much better.

Some of my friends told me I was playing games and maybe I was. But I wasn’t overtly lying to my husband or acting maliciously. I was just thinking of basic human nature and the simple law of supply and demand. Sometimes, the most effective way to get your husband more attracted to you when you’re separated is to not try so hard and to let it come to you naturally.

As I alluded to, backing off a little bit and making my husband wonder actually made me more attractive to him during our separation. It wasn’t until I began this process that I started seeing vast improvements in our relationship and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Saving Your Marriage By Changing Yourself. Why And How It Works

By: Leslie Cane: By the time most people get around to emailing me, their marriage has typically been in trouble for a while. It’s so easy to just ignore the problem and hope that it will go away until it reaches a point where you can no longer do that. It’s often only then that folks will sit down, roll up their sleeves, and try to “fix” what hasn’t been working for a long while.

The problem with this strategy is that things have often deteriorated to the point that intimacy and empathy are starting to wane. Therefore, your results are likely to be delayed or skewed by this loss. Making this problem worse is the fact that often people will first try to make drastic changes to their marriage or to their spouse without realizing two things: First, you can not really and legitimately control anyone but yourself. Second, people generally will greatly resent being manipulated and will only resist you more when you attempt this. So, in the following article, I will discuss beginning to save your marriage by controlling what and who you can – yourself and your own actions.

Why Saving Your Marriage Starts With You: As I said before, often in the beginning, your spouse may have some difficulty and resentment if you try to manipulate, guilt, strong-arm them into seeing things your way, especially if they’ve been distancing themself from you for quite some time. And, even if you could do this, it really is not the best idea because although you would have gotten their cooperation, their heart is not really in it. This is not a decision that they made all on their own so the likelihood that this is going to “stick” or be lasting is much less.

You want for them to be a willing participant in every aspect of your marriage and sometimes this means letting them come to the place that you are at in their own time. Often this takes them seeing that things actually can change and that the process does not have to feel like “work” or require a great deal of sacrifice or discomfort.

So the easiest and best way to begin is to control what you can – which is you and only you. Start by taking a look at your own behaviors. Are you being the spouse that you yourself what want to have? Do you listen more than you talk? Give as much as you take? Make an effort to know what is going on with your spouse and do what you can to lighten their load? Do you show them understanding, appreciation, and spontaneous loving gestures on an ongoing basis? If the answer is no or “not enough” to any of these things, then you already know where you need to start.

You won’t be able to do a 180-degree turn in one day, but if you make small efforts each day, you may be quite surprised at the transformation that occurs in a very short period of time. Once your spouse sees that things are better without much hardship, they will very likely be much more willing to pitch in.

Contrasting Today With Yesterday: When I was in marital counseling, the counselor gave me an exercise that both shocked me and helped me very much. She asked me to describe myself when I was my husband’s girlfriend. And she wanted to know what it was like in the beginning. I had to admit that, during that time frame, I was outgoing, happy go lucky, enthusiastic, attentive, exciting, etc. After all, who isn’t beaming and giving more than they take when they are first falling in love?

Then, she asked me to describe myself as I was now, as a wife. This excise was very hard. Deep down, I know that I was hurried, stressed, overbearing at times, and a whole lot less happy. But, she was having a hard time pulling this out of me. So, she picked up her phone, took a photo of me before I knew what had happened, and pulled it up on her phone. She handed the phone to me and then pulled out a photo of our wedding day. The contrast was striking and painful.

I was expecting my husband to feel the same intensity toward me, yet I was not in any way putting in the time and effort that I used to. The counselor assured me that I should not use this exercise as an excuse to blame myself. She was trying to point out that often it’s the circumstances that change more than it is our feelings that change. And, she wanted me to know that I had direct control over the circumstances from my end.

Beginning To Take Control Of Yourself And Your Marriage: So many of us make the mistake of sort of floating along with our marriage – like we are holding onto a raft but not really steering it. We’re floating along aimlessly in the sea of discontent but we aren’t able to see this clearly until we’ve floated out and are facing the sharks and the harsh sun. We’re so weakened and tired now that pulling or getting our self to shore is going to be much harder than it needed to be. You really no longer have to live this way.

Start changing this by just becoming more aware. What is your day to day married life like and what does it lack? See, you know what it takes to get your husband’s interest to a high enough level that he “falls in love.” You’ve already done it once. But chances are the somewhere along the way, you took for granted that he was yours and that you could turn your attention to other things that are equally as important – like paying the bills and raising the kids. But what we all fail to realize is that if we let our marriage slide, this act and omission are going to bleed into everything else in our lives and then everything starts to change and corrode.

So, identify those things that have begun to slide and take control of them slowly but surely. If you find that the two of you don’t really talk anymore, remember that you are changing yourself and start a conversation. If you feel there isn’t enough affection, start changing things with you and begin demonstrating more spontaneous touching, back rubs, etc. Begin by giving more of what you yourself want. Once your spouse begins to enjoy these changes and sees that the process isn’t really going to back-breaking hard work, he will likely slowly start to reciprocate and once you have to people focusing on themselves, then you are really getting somewhere.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband had totally checked out, had made clear that he was no longer “in love” with me, and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile the marriage. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on myself) and this eventually worked. You can read my that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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