Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One common reason I hear for couples struggling, separating, or taking a break is that their differences or opposite personalities just became too much to overcome. Interestingly, many people will admit with a little nostalgia that the differences used to spice up the relationship in the beginning, but lately, they have begun to drag it down. Sometimes things get so bad that the differences become the issue that one of the spouses will point to as the reason their marriage might end.

They’ll say something like, “my husband thinks that we should separate or take a break because we are just too different. And he is right that we have completely different personalities. But I don’t think that this is necessarily a deal-breaker. We’ve made it work before, and I believe that we could make it work again. Unfortunately, my husband seems unwilling to even try. He is very driven and ambitious, and I am more about living in the present instead of obsessing about the future. He is very serious, and I am very laid-back. I honestly used to think that we balanced one another out quite nicely, but my husband no longer agrees. He acts as if I’m a flighty, irresponsible hippy. And at times he can seem like an uptight stick-in-the-mud. I know that I’m being very dramatic about this, but my husband makes our differences seem personal. And I worry about our marriage too. I fear that my husband is sure that our marriage is ultimately doomed because of our differences. Sometimes, I think that I should have married someone else – someone more like myself. It’s too late now, and I don’t want to lose my husband, but it just feels like a constant uphill battle. Do we stand a chance?”

A Recent Study Indicates That The Personality Of Your Relationship Is Much More Important Than The Personality Of The Individuals Within It: I don’t think that the above marriage is doomed. I’ve always insisted that couples with different personalities can thrive if they create the right environment to do this. Thankfully, a recent study underscores these sentiments.

Researchers looked at almost 12,000 couples using machine learning, and found that couples found more satisfaction from the relationship itself rather than from the individuals in the relationship. Relationship quality was judged more by the personality of the relationship. While the personality of the other person only made up a tiny part of satisfaction (about 5 percent,) perceptions about the relationship made up about eight times that (forty-five percent).

The researchers noted, “People’s own judgments about the relationship itself—such as how satisfied and committed they perceived their partners to be, and how appreciative they felt toward their partners—explained approximately 45% of their current satisfaction.”

Over and over, relationship characteristics were much more important to both partners than individual traits. So what does this mean for your marriage and whether it can be satisfying and can survive despite your differences? It’s always been my opinion that you are better off spending your time cultivating the marriage you both want instead of focusing on your differences.

Creating The Relationship That Nurtures Both Partners As Both Individuals And As Part of A Couple: As I read it, this study strongly suggests that you should focus on creating an atmosphere of satisfying commitment. When you know that no one is going anywhere, it is much easier to iron out your differences because you are not working from a place of fear.

This study has made it pretty clear that it is the sum of the strong relationship that is the real draw. It is the shared jokes, the side glances, the common marital history, and the intimacy that matters – not the personalities that make up the two sums of this whole.

I believe that opposite personalities can still have this type of healthy, committed marriage. But you need to change the way you look at your differences. Rather than seeing them as a potential problem, you need to see them as a potential enhancement.

Notice that I said potential. It takes work to get to the point where your differences enhance your marriage. It requires acceptance and cooperation. But it is possible.

In my marriage, I am the serious one and my husband is the laid-back one. When our marriage is gelling and intimacy and connection are in sync, I see his personality as an asset to mine. He helps me to keep things in perspective and to see the world as a more open place. Likewise, he says that I keep him grounded. But, it is so much easier to keep this perspective when we work hard to stay connected. If that connection slips even a little, then our differences mean that we begin to get on each other’s nerves instead.

How To Start: You may think that you need to begin by looking at your differences and trying to find a happy middle point. I’d argue that you are better off putting your differences on the back burner and trying to connect despite them instead. Don’t make them your focus right now. Focus on re-connecting. Focus on having fun. Focus on creating laughter instead of tension.

Yes, I know that what I am asking is challenging when you already have a great deal of tension. But you can often start by backing off of the big issues and just focusing on very simple things on which you know that you can agree. You likely know your husband better than anyone else. Therefore, you know what he is most likely to respond favorably to. Sometimes, you have to entice him with interactions that wouldn’t be your first choice. That’s okay. You’re only trying to re-establish rapport and connection. Once you do that, then you’ll have more flexibility, but start where you can.

Stress a shared commitment. When you know that no one is leaving, you have the time and luxury of trying different things without needing to panic or get discouraged. Strive for patience, acceptance, and compassion.

We are all different, and that is one of the things that makes life divine. You get to live vicariously through the person you promised to love for the rest of your life. When you do this correctly, you can have a balance that you’d never have on your own. When you’re both in it together, you don’t need to be completely similar.

When my husband and I weren’t connected, our differences became a big issue among many.  We separated.  Thankfully, I changed my thinking and tried various strategies, some of which worked.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are trying to gauge the odds of saving their marriages. Sometimes, their husband has already filed for divorce. Other times, he’s merely told them of his intent to divorce them. And there are times when he’s only in the early stages of the process and is only beginning to speak of a divorce, (although nothing definitive has happened just yet.) Many wives ask me questions about the chances that their husband will change his mind.

I recently heard from a wife who asked: “how many husbands end up changing their minds about the divorce? Is the percentage or odds high or very low? My husband keeps telling me that our marriage is over and that divorce is the only way out. He says his mind is made up and that there isn’t anything that I can possibly do to change it. How many husbands in this situation do end up eventually changing their minds? What can I do to improve the chances that my husband will be one of the ones who eventually does?”

I looked for any scientific statistics that might help me to answer some of these questions and I found none. So, that leaves my own experiences to fall back on, which admittedly isn’t very scientific. I do get a lot of comments on my “save my marriage” blog from both husbands and wives in this situation. Some come back later to tell me what happened in their marriages, but certainly not all of them check back in. And, I have to say that most of the time, the people who visit my blog have at least some interest in saving their marriage.

So what I see is probably not representative of a general population. With all of this said, it’s not uncommon for me to hear that either party (the husband or the wife) has changed their mind about a divorce. I am not going to tell you that this happens the majority of the time, because it doesn’t. But it’s not uncommon either. I don’t want to guess at the percentage or odds because as I said, this is my own unscientific guess. If often really does depend upon several things like: the severity of the problems that are causing the divorce in the first place; what (if anything) happens that might inspire the changing of a mind; and how open both parties are open to admitting (even to themselves) that their perceptions about the state of the marriage (and the people in it) may have been wrong.

Is There Anything That I Can Do To Increase The Odds That My Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce?: This really is the central question. Because I don’t believe that your goal should be to “make” or “get” your husband to change his mind about divorcing you. The better goal is to inspire or convince him to change his mind because he now believes that something, someone, or some set of circumstances have changed.

Many wives think that the best way to do this is to try to lay on the dramatics to inspire the same dramatic turn around in their husband. I rarely see this strategy work. It often just makes the husband more anxious to get the divorce out of the way as soon as possible. The better bet is to show him that spending time with you doesn’t need to turn out badly or inspire any drama. You want to show him that he was wrong when he thought there was nothing left between you or when he assumed the marriage was too far gone to save. However, in order for him to truly believe this, these realizations need to come gradually and naturally.

Other wise, you run the risk of things feeling too forced or sudden. So rather than trying to make him change his feelings and perceptions over night, be happy with small steps, especially at first. A decent first goal is just to interact with one another better and to vow that there will be no negative outcomes when at the end of your interactions. From there, you’ll want to strive for positive outcomes where you’re both comfortable, laughing, and smiling. Once he’s comfortable again and he’s initiating more contact, then and only then should you begin to move very slowly toward trying to get him to change his mind about the divorce.

But, you should never be the one to mention that, if it is at all possible. The best case scenario is for him to change his mind on his own (because you have set up the circumstances that make this favorable) and for him to be the one to bring the divorce up. If he feels as if you’re pulling the strings and trying to manipulate him, you actually decrease the odds that he’s going to change his mind. That’s why it’s so important to move at a very deliberate pace and to make him think that his thoughts, feelings, and intentions are his own.

I tried for force my own husband to change his mind about the divorce and needless to say, this didn’t work.  It wasn’t until I figured out that I needed to break the process into a series of small and easier steps that I began to gain some ground which eventually lead to my saving my marriage.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read my story about how I was able to accomplish this.  Feel free to check it out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I get a lot of correspondence from wives lamenting a husband’s distance, coldness, and aloofness.  Some of these come from wives who are already separated and others come from wives who are still married, but who suspect that their spouse may be contemplating a break or separation.  These wives are worried about what their husband’s lack of interest, distance, and coldness may mean.  They are particularly concerned that it means that he is no longer in love with them.  And they wonder if it’s possible to ever maintain a marriage without love.

Here is an example.  One might say: “for the past six months, I’ve noticed my husband become more and more distant. Eventually, things got so bad that we separated.  We used to meet every other night after work for dinner.  We used to always have Sunday meals with my parents.  This was sacred and it kept us close. We used to talk quite a bit. And laugh.  But that began to taper off.  And I notice that not only has the talking and laughter died off, but so has the thoughtful things that my husband used to do for me.  Eventually, it seemed like he was avoiding me. He actually almost forgot my birthday a couple of weeks ago.  I would worry that there was another woman, but my husband works at home and rarely interacts with other people – at least enough to maintain a relationship.  He pretty much used to meet his social needs through me, but that’s no longer happening.  He’s started to become short and argumentative with me.  A few weeks ago, he actually mentioned that he might want to take a break from our marriage for a while.  And he moved out last weekend.  I had hoped that he would move out and realize that he made a desperate mistake.  I had hoped that he would miss me and would immediately want to come back. This hasn’t happened.  If anything, he is more cold and distant than ever before.  He doesn’t seem remotely interested in me in any way.  He avoids and ignores me.  When he looks at me, there is nothing there.  It is as if he is looking at a stranger.  He is MORE distant during our separation, of course. But he was actually getting distant before.  So now I’m wondering if his distance means he doesn’t love me or just doesn’t care anymore.  And I’m wondering if this means that I am going to end up divorced because of this.”

The Distance Is Often A Form Of Self Protection: Well, the meaning of the distance is very difficult to predict.  But I can tell you that men who are contemplating, pursuing, or going through a separation, often just naturally distance themselves – even if they are aware that they still love their wife very much.  They do this because they are struggling with their emotions, they’re trying to gauge how they feel, and they know that this process is going to be more difficult if they lean on you emotionally.  They know that if they are actively emotionally connected to you, this may well be harder for you both.

It’s very natural for BOTH parties to try to shut down their feelings and emotions somewhat during the separation.  There is just a natural reaction to want to avoid pain.  (That can be true even of the party who initiated the break.  It can be very painful to remain in close contact or to remain close emotionally because it gives you glimpses of EXACTLY what you are missing.)

Feelings Change Constantly During A Separation: Now, I can’t say that there aren’t separated husbands who are leaning toward a long separation or even a divorce and who, as a result, are distancing themselves because they think that this is what should happen anyway.  They think that they may as well start the process of mentally untangling themselves from their spouse.  This certainly does happen.  Some of these spouses eventually change their minds and some do not.

I’m not sure if there is any reliable way to tell which category your husband is in, especially since people regularly change their minds and have fluctuating feelings during the separation.  And frankly, you can’t control anyone’s feelings but your own.

That can leave you in a situation where you feel as if you are sort of just getting pulled along with the tide.  I know.  I have been there.  But it helps to realize that you DO have control of yourself.  You can control how you deal with your feelings, how you act, and how you interact.  You can control whether you overreact and whether you expect the worst.  I know that it is difficult.  But it may help to know that the way that he is acting right now may change.

This is all very new.  It is normal to be guarded.  It is normal to want to protect yourself (and sometimes your spouse) emotionally.  No one knows how this is going to turn out and no one wants to wear their heart on their sleeve and get hurt.  When I was in this situation, I noticed that I had a tendency to do one of two things.  I would either try really hard to break through my husband’s hard shell and would overcompensate and frustrate him.  Or I would become angry and act cold right back, which of course, would just make things worse.  I wanted to feel closer to him, but this only achieved the opposite.

I found that there was a happy medium.  As best as I could, I tried to act upbeat when we were together.  I tried to give him that space he wanted by working on myself and keeping myself busy with things that were important to me as an individual – things that, to be honest, I had lost.  Eventually, this worked much better.  And he began to drop the cold, aloof attitude and to bridge the distance.  But this didn’t happen immediately.  And it took patience and finesse on my part. There’s more on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common complaints that I hear from separated wives concerns the loneliness and difficulty of having to run a household alone. Before I was separated and lived on my own, I did not realize up all of the upkeep that was required to keep my home functioning correctly, since my husband and I split the tasks. I’d never had to worry about things like the gutters, the yard, the car maintenance, and the garbage. So it was shocking to me to have to handle these things (on top of all of my other obligations) when my husband moved out. Granted, he tried to leave me in a good place regarding all of these chores. But there was only so much he could do when he wasn’t actually living in our home. I know that I’m not the only separated wife who has experienced this way. I hear from many wives in the same boat. And most of them struggle with this in the beginning, but eventually, they either learn to handle these tasks themselves, or they find someone to do this for them. Either way, they have to learn to take the helm and to do many things on their own. Admittedly, this can feel overwhelming. But many of us take these things onto our shoulders because someone has to do them, and we really have no other choice. Some of us are quite proud of ourselves for rising to the occasion. But how should we take it if our husband is proud of us too? What if he applauds our independence? Is this is a good or a bad sign?

A wife might say, “I will admit that I went into our separation kicking and screaming. I did my very best to guilt my husband out of it. I made sure he knew how much I was constantly struggling, and how I considered this all his fault. It may sound old fashioned, but we split the household chores. So when he moved out, everything fell to me. At first, I nagged him to help out. But he resisted coming over too often. Eventually, after being separated for about six weeks, I figured out if I wanted the house to keep running properly, I would have to learn to do things for myself. I actually saw my husband at a hardware store last weekend. He was shocked to see me buying stuff for the lawn. And he beamed at me. I asked him why he looked so happy, and he said, ‘I’m honestly just so proud of you for being more independent and for taking on running everything while I’m gone.’ I wasn’t sure how to take this. It was nice to see him smiling at me for a change. The rest of our conversation went well. But as I was driving home, I started to worry. What if he’s happy about my independence because now he can not feel as guilty and he can rest easy knowing that I can handle things? What if he now feels even more free to pursue a divorce? Is this actually a bad sign?”

Why I Think It’s Probably A Good Sign: It’s hard to say, but there is one thing about which I feel pretty certain. You are only six weeks into this process. And although I know that this feels like a long time, things usually change over the entire course of your separation. I don’t necessarily think a husband’s being impressed by your coping skills and resilience is a bad thing. Honestly, when he feels guilt and shame about your separation, he is more likely to avoid you.

Since he’s probably feeling less guilt and shame now, this might actually improve your situation. You had a more positive conversation also. I see both of these things as very good signs.

But, let’s play devil’s advocate for a minute. Assuming that you are right and that he’s relieved that you are becoming more independent, nothing says that his relief is going to translate into a desire for a divorce. You hopefully have some time to build upon this recent positivity and skew his thinking toward a reconciliation rather than a divorce.

What To Focus On Right Now: I understand the urge to debate with yourself as to whether every occurrence or interaction is a good or bad sign. I did this myself. But I eventually learned that it wasn’t constructive. Separations generally don’t function in a linear manner. Sometimes things will go well. Other times they might pause or go backward because this is a very difficult time, and the behaviors and emotions will reflect this. The trajectory doesn’t matter as much as your ability to regroup and remain positive when you hit a set back.

I had to learn not to allow my worry, pessimism, and dread to drive my behaviors and actions. I always made things worse when I gave into worse-case-scenario thinking. I was always better off when I forced myself to act as if I were perfectly capable and coping.

Right now, I’d suggest breaking this down to its most basic level: built upon the momentum and positivity that the universe has gifted you. Your husband complimented you and then beamed. Focus on that. Ask yourself how you can ensure that your next interaction is just as positive as the last one. Honestly, this is how I got my separated husband’s attention and ultimately saved my marriage. I limited my focus – I just tried to ensure that each new interaction was more positive than the last.

Admittedly, I’m oversimplifying it, but this is a wonderful first step. Because if you can create a chain of positivity and enhanced interaction, then the other things you need to do to save your marriage are so much easier. Because suddenly you have a cooperative and interested husband.

I would continue to appear capable and coping because you got a positive reaction from it. Being able to handle things on your own does not mean that you will always need or want to do this. It means that you can and nothing more. And if you keep moving forward in this way, you might be doing these tasks with your husband again sooner than you think.

If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage after separation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: leslie cane: I often hear from wives who are in the middle of a marital separation that they want to end as soon as possible. To that end, many want to make sure that they are acting in a way meant to get their husband back home and committed to the marriage. And many worry about how they are being perceived during the separation. They don’t want to say or do anything (or act in such a way) that is going to make a reconciliation less likely.

I recently heard from a wife who was confused as to the best way to act around her husband while they were separated.  Being apart and not knowing what was going to happen to her marriage had made her quite depressed and frightened, but she intuitively knew that allowing him to see the full extent of this might not be the best idea.  She said, in part: “I’m not sure how to act around my husband while we’re separated.   The truth is, I’m scared, angry, depressed, and unsure of this whole process, but my friends tell me that I should act like the opposite is true.  They tell me that I should pretty much pretend like I don’t care all that much and just try to act as if I’m trusting the process the whole time.  Part of me understands focusing on the positive, but another part of me feels like this is just dishonest and playing games.  My husband knows me very well.  He knows I didn’t want the separation and he probably has a pretty good idea of just how devastated I am.  Acting differently than this just feels wrong to me.  But, I’m willing to try anything to get him to end the separation.  I’ll act or say anything necessary to save my marriage.  What is the best way to act around a husband while you’re separated?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

You Don’t Want To Abandon Your True Self While You’re Separated Anymore Than You Want To Act In Any Way That’s Not Believable: Many people who contact me mirror this wife’s concerns.  They’ve read or heard that you should act uncaring while ignoring your spouse.  In other words, many people will try to use reverse psychology or play hard to get in the hopes that this will make their spouse want them more.

So they will try on another persona or they will say or do things that feel completely foreign to them (and are quite hard for them to pull off convincingly.)  In my opinion and experience, this can be as a big of a mistake as focusing on your depression and fear.  No one wants to feel manipulated or lied to.  But this is how your spouse is likely to feel in the very likely event they realize what you are doing.  And, if you’re trying on a different personality that is so far away from who you truly are, your spouse is very likely to see exactly what you are doing and not respond very positively.  When this happens, you’ve just made your job much more difficult because now they approach every thing that you do or say (and every claim you make) with suspicion and doubt.

While I do agree that there’s a right and wrong way to act around your husband while you’re separated, you never want to take this so far that you’re trying to act like someone you are not or you’re being downright dishonest.  I believe it’s perfectly fine to focus on the positive and to spin reality to your best advantage, but many take this much too far so that it actually has the opposite effect of what they were after the whole time.

Allowing Your Husband To See A Strong, Coping, And Vibrant Version Or Yourself Is Different Than Denying The Truth,  Pretending That You Just Don’t Care About Him, Or Want A Separation That You Don’t Support: When I say that many people take this much too far, what I mean by that is that many wives will attempt to make their husband’s believe that they just don’t care about the separation or that they actually completely support it or think that it’s a fabulous idea.  First, this is a dangerous game to play if there’s a chance you can’t pull it off.  Second, it’s my belief and observation that this can sometimes backfire in a big way when you take it too far.

I believe that you are better off focusing on more polished and positive version of the truth.  There’s no need to pretend you support the separation if in truth it is your worst case scenario (although you shouldn’t always dwell on this either.)  It’s potentially damaging to your relationship if you pretend that you don’t care enough about your spouse to be hurt or frightened by the separation (and this probably wouldn’t ring true for your spouse anyway.)

At the same time, you don’t want to focus on your sadness and your fears so much that it becomes a negative experience for your spouse every time they attempt to interact with you. Because this will sometimes make a reconciliation much less likely.  People generally don’t want to spend large amounts of time with someone else that constantly brings them down. To the extent that you can, you want to choose positive topics on which to place your focus when you are around your spouse. It’s expected that your spouse knows you didn’t want the separation and aren’t exactly embracing now.  But there’s a big difference between the truth being out there and dwelling on it so much that it is always the elephant in the room that puts an abrupt halt to any progress that you might have otherwise made.

When you’re separated, you don’t want or need your husband’s pity.  The goal isn’t for him to come home because you’ve made it clear that you can’t or don’t want to live without him.  (This lays a very shaky foundation that is likely to crumble as soon is you hit another rough patch.)  Instead, you want him to come home and end the separation because it’s what he truly wants since you’ve shown him that the two of you can and did relate in a positive, genuine, and healthy way during the separation.

Showing Your Husband The Positive, But Genuine Version Of Yourself That You Know He Will Respond To During The Separation: I know that focusing on the positive so that your husband responds in kind is easier said that done.  I know it’s tough to appear that you’re coping and remaining as upbeat as you can while your heart is breaking.  But you have to keep asking yourself whether, if the roles were reversed, you yourself would respond positively to the person who you are putting on display.

I always suggest steering clear of topics that are going to be difficult to navigate convincingly, at least at first.  It’s also very important to keep yourself busy so that when you are together, it’s clear that you weren’t just sitting home crumbling and waiting for the next encounter.  You have to ask yourself who your husband is best going to respond to right now.  The answer is probably some part of yourself that he loves deeply but hasn’t seen all that much lately.

In order to do this convincingly, you usually have to surround yourself with the experiences, people, and things that support you, bring a smile to your face, and allow you to project this to others. Doing this can seem selfish or even indulgent when your marriage hangs in the balance, but reality is often just the opposite.  Because this is what is going to allow you to GENUINELY project the positive and coping persona that is most likely to get your husband to respond correctly and allow you to cope in the most genuine way possible.  I know that it’s tempting to sit at home and sulk or focus on your fears and what you don’t have.  But I promise you will usually get better results if you put yourself out there and focus on the positive things that you do have.

When my husband left, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I sulked, tried to pretend I didn’t care, and acted in a way that was obviously quite manufactured and not what I really felt.  I stalked,  begged, threatened, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally was able to change course, forced myself to focus on the positive, and eventually saved the marriage. You can read more of that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who want to know “the secret” that separated wives use to get their husbands to come home.  I often hear comments like: “what do those women do to get their separated husbands to willingly come home?  They must be doing something that I’m not doing.  Because in my mind, I have tried everything but my husband isn’t even remotely interested in returning home.”  I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I separated about the same time as our neighbors separated.  My female neighbor and I would often have dinner together and discuss strategies.  Well, her husband came home last weekend ready to work things out and mine is still living away from me and is showing no signs that he might return.  What did she do that I didn’t?  Because when I ask her this, she says she can’t pinpoint anything that she said or did.  She said that her husband just seemed ready to come home.  What is she doing that I’m not? I need to know how all of these wives get their husbands to come home so that I can do the same things because I miss him and need him here.”

I could completely understand this wife needing answers.  I was separated myself a few years ago and I was absolutely desperate for any answers.  I was willing to try absolutely anything to get my husband to come home.  And sometimes, I feel as if that were part of the problem.  While I was grappling for answers, my desperation got the better of me and I jumped around trying different things and changing behaviors, which eventually just made things worse.

I think that sometimes, the husband is just ready to come home or he just comes to his own realizations.  But I think that other times, there are things that some wives are able to do to nudge their husband to come home a little sooner.  Through research, I learned some of these methods which really helped me and I will share some of them with you now.

Some Wives Plant The Idea That Their Husband Has Something Meaningful To Come Home To:  This is common sense, but it is so often missed.  In order for your husband to come home, he will often need to believe that his quality of life with you at home is going to be much better than his quality of life without you away. Sometimes, this isn’t very difficult because your husband is having bad experiences or feelings while he is away.  But other times, this can be a little more difficult because, even if the husband isn’t completely happy away, he is able to avoid the conflict and the drama of life at home when the future of his marriage is uncertain.

Coming home sometimes leaves him with an unknown.  And since he can’t see into the future, he will often rely on past behavior.  If the past leaves you a lot to overcome, then you will have to rebuild the trust and allow him to see how or why things might change when or if he comes home.  He must believe that things are going to be better at home not just for the short term or the long term.  Sometimes, this takes time and requires you to carefully lay the groundwork.

You’ll want to be patient, understanding, and easy to approach and talk to.  If the two of you argue when you are together (or even argue about his coming home,)  then he will understandably have doubts about moving forward and coming home.  After all, if you can’t get along now, what is going to change once he comes home?

Separated Wives Who Nudge Their Husbands Home Will Often Cultivate A Playful New Dynamic Between Them:  Many wives whose husbands are eventually lured back will admit that they were able to put their fear aside, at least while their husband was present.   They were able to keep things light hearted and positive, even if they didn’t always feel this way deep inside.  They did this because they knew that when things went well with their husband, then he was more willing to see or interact with them in the future.  They also knew that keeping things light and playful would help to neutralize what was already a stressful situation.  They suspected that focusing on fear and uncertainty was only going to make things worse.

I know first hand that this is sometimes challenging to pull off.  Sometimes, you feel anything but upbeat, and you really have to look at the big picture so that you don’t just give into your negative feelings and make things worse.  But in the end, it is worth it.  As I improved my attitude, our relationship improved.  And my husband was more willing to spend time with me.  And as he was more willing to spend time with me, I made each encounter count so that things continued to get better and better.

Successful Wives Don’t Try To Rush Or Push Their Husbands To Come Home Before He’s Truly Ready: Here’s one last important point.  When things are going well, it’s extremely easy to be quite tempted to suggest that your husband comes home the second that your situation improves.  Sometimes, this is a mistake.  It’s often better if you can wait for him to suggest that he is ready to come home.  At the very least, make sure that he is enthusiastic and willing before you suggest it.  Because, if you suggest it to soon, he may well think that your light hearted and easy going attitude was only meant to get him home.  He may worry that once he gives in and comes home, you’re going to drop the act.  And this is the last thing you want.  You want for him to not only believe that things are going to change and improve, you want that to be the truth so that your marriage not only reconciles, it lasts for the long haul and it makes you both happy.

I used some of these tactics to get my husband to come home after a separation that took too long.  In the beginning stages, I allowed my fear and frustration to show and this almost cost me my marriage.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you suspect that your marriage is in trouble, you may have entertained the idea of encouraging your spouse – or even yourself – to change for the sake of your marriage. But even when this idea seems like a necessary one, many people intuitively know that it will be a challenge to carry out in actual practice. Most people don’t willingly change the core of who they are, and they’re very resentful when asked to do so. How realistic is it to want your spouse to change? Is it right to do so, especially if those same changes might save your marriage?

Someone might explain, “my husband and I have opposite personalities. This has always been the case, and, at the beginning of our relationship, this worked for us. I liked that my husband was rebellious. He liked that I was brainy and calm. But today, I see him as somewhat immature, and he sees me as a nag. He handles our money horribly, and he allows our children to run amok. He is basically a good time Charlie instead of a father. Don’t get me wrong. At times, his laid back attitude is charming. But other times, it’s inappropriate. Children need structure. Finances need discipline. But when I mention these things, he tells me to lighten up. I’ve been increasingly frustrated, and I told him that if he is going to continue to act this way, I’m unsure about our marriage going forward. He was angry at me, but said he would try to change and tone down his behavior. So far, he hasn’t done very much changing. I talked to some mutual friends about this, and many of them said that my husband will never change. They tell me that I just need to take the good with the bad, since at his core, he’s a lovable guy. He can be endearing, and they make a good point. But I just want to change a few vitally important issues. How realistic is this? And is it fair to ask?”

I have a pretty strong opinion on this based on my own experience, from speaking with experts, and from observations of other couples. My husband and I are also opposites, and we did have some personality conflicts that contributed to our separation. However, when both of us tried to make drastic changes, not only did it not work, but it bred resentment and defensiveness. So, we tweaked things a bit and came up with an alternative plan, which worked much better. What works for us may not work for everyone, but I’ll outline it here in case it helps.

You Can’t (And Shouldn’t Be Asked) To Changed Who You Are: I don’t believe that a person can change who they are at their core, even if they desperately wanted to. If the husband above suddenly became strict and humorless, then he would be a completely different person, and not the man that the wife initially fell in love with. Here is another example. I am very introverted, and my husband is the opposite. There were certainly times in my marriage (and during my separation) when I wished that I weren’t so shy and soft spoken. But, when I try to pretend to be outgoing and extremely extraverted, it almost never works. Not only am I extremely uncomfortable (and so is everyone around me,) but my attempts are just awkward and not very convincing. Likewise, when my husband tries to tamp down his personality, he’s pretty miserable. He is a person who needs to be able to express himself. Asking him not to is like asking him to hide one of the best parts of himself.

That said, you can and should change the repetitive behaviors that are hurting your marriage, which leads me to my next point.

Change The Most Troubling Behaviors, Not The Person: I have learned that you can work with your core personality, but still change the troubling behaviors that are hurting your marriage. Using the example of my introversion above, it is important for me to understand that although I’m most comfortable in solitary or small group situations, my husband enjoys the energy of a large group of his extended family and close friends. I love my husband, so I’m going to rise to the occasion when interacting with other people who he loves. We regularly socialize with these family and friends. And although this isn’t my most comfortable place, I make the effort because it is important to my husband and I love him. The slight discomfort I only occasionally feel pales in comparison to the pride I see on his face when I’m laughing and joking around with the people who are important to him. To balance things out, I give myself solitary time before or after these outings, and my husband is more than happy to oblige and give me his undivided attention.

Likewise, I’m never going to ask my husband to give up the outings that he loves, but he does agree to reciprocate and give us some alone time where it is just the two of us, which is very important to me. He also agrees that he’s not going to risk any joint money, but he is free to make aggressive investments with his personal accounts. (He is adventurous with money, and I am incredibly conservative.) Neither of us wants to harm our marriage by fighting about money, so we each stay in our comfort zones financially.

Compromises Can Contribute To Real Change: I am never going to be the life of the party. And my husband is never going to be a bookworm. But we make it work with compromise, and by identifying, and then addressing, the behaviors that were hurting our marriage the most.

In the example above, the wife could accept her husband’s laid-back personality, while asking him to commit to more structure when it comes to children and the finances. As she made it clear that she wasn’t trying to change him at the core (because she LOVES who he is,) he may be more receptive to working with her to create stability for their children, which was the most important issue. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband’s personality, it was just that sometimes, adult responsibilities mean that we put our base impulses on the back burner for the greater good of our family.

I do this every single day. Being in a strong marriage and a happy family is a strong motivator for making these very small compromises. So to answer the original question, it is not realistic to change who your spouse is, but it is very realistic (and even advisable) to change the behaviors that are harming your marriage.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how we navigated this and similar issues during our separation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In past articles, I’ve stressed that it is very important for couples to take a “we” approach to marriage and to life. When you see yourself as part of a unit rather than an individual, this shows commitment to your marriage and affection for your spouse. A spouse who sees himself as an individual functioning in his own world may feel distanced from his spouse and his family. Understandably, many wives begin to worry when they notice this shift in their husbands. And they wonder if this is the beginning of the end for their marriage.

A wife might say, “over the past year, I’ve noticed my husband acting very differently toward me and even toward our kids. I knew that things weren’t exactly right between us. He is very distant and cold. If I confront him about it, he will give me a sarcastic response. For example, I asked him if I’d done something to upset him because he was acting very abrasive toward me. His response was, ‘after years of marriage, do you actually still expect me to jump through hoops for you? You’ve crazy if you think I’m going to.’ He always tries to make it seem like I’m setting a high bar, but I’m only asking for common courtesy and behavior that is normal for happily married couples. And there are little things that I notice which I believe have huge implications. When my husband speaks about things that we will be doing as a couple or as a family, he will only say that “I” am going to do something. He no longer says “we,” not ever. He will also refer to our kids as “his” son or “his” daughter. He never used to do this before. Three years ago, when he was still acting decently toward me, he would have used “our.” Another thing that he’s been doing lately is never referring to me by my name. He used to always use my name as a term of endearment. But now, if he wants to get my attention, he will clear his throat, or say “hey,” and then begin with what he wants to say. This feels very impersonal and cold. Of course, when I bring this to his attention, I get a sarcastic response asking me if I want to get a red pen out to grade his grammar while I am at it. He tries to make me feel as though I’m being overly paranoid. But I feel like these are substantial changes that indicate he is distancing himself from me. Am I wrong?”

Why An Overreaction Is The Least Of Your Worries: I would never tell anyone worried about their marriage that they should just forget about or not prioritize their concerns. From my own experience, I believe that those nagging little worries that pop up when your husband begins acting differently are most often very valid. I wish I’d taken immediate action when I noticed them in my own marriage. Instead, I told myself that I was allowing my imagination and anxiety to run away with me, so I did nothing. I was separated and risking a divorce in six months’ time. It is so much better to overcorrect and still be together. Any marriage can benefit from more attention, even when you are overreaching.

Determining If The Behavior Is A Result Of Distance Or Of Time And Habit: You may be surprised how many husbands give the exact same defense for this type of behavior. Most of them will give you some variation on the ‘we’ve been married for so long that my behavior is to be expected and is normal’ excuse. And, to be fair, we do all act a bit differently in our marriages once we’ve been married for several years. But there is a difference between changes based on comfort and habit and changes that allow a spouse to distance himself from you.

How does he act outside of these situations? In other words, putting the “I,” off the table for a minute, does he still show you respect and affection when it counts? Does he still make an effort to look out for your well-being, security, and happiness? Does he still include you in conversations and plans about your future? Does he still share his thoughts, dreams, and worries with you? In other words, are other indications of intimacy and attachment present so that worries about the pronouns that he uses are diminished?

These are questions that only you can answer. But if you see distance and coldness in other places, then the “I” is probably a symptom of the fact that he either no longer feels (or wants to be) as close to you.

To be fair, there can be various reasons for this. Sometimes, husbands pull away when they are dealing with stress or issues in their life that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your marriage. Other times, their behavior is directly related to your marriage, even if they won’t acknowledge it or do not realize it.

Why Addressing Intimacy May Be More Important Than Addressing The Pronouns Your Husband Uses: I believe that you are right to be concerned about this. But the pronouns are pointing to a more serious problem than how your husband addresses your marriage or your family. And that problem is intimacy. If there is one thing that I learned during my own separation it was that if you can re-establish intimacy and empathy, the other issues seem to fall into place much more easily.

If you can find a way to click with your husband again, you may find that he starts using “we” and he starts saying your name again without your needing to say or do anything.

A man who feels very connected with his wife feels like he is part of a united team, so his actions will naturally reflect this.

I promise that I am in no way insinuating that it is your fault that the intimacy in your marriage needs some attention. But I know from my own experience that when intimacy begins to wane, then you begin to see behaviors very similar to those described here. Increasing intimacy will decrease those behaviors very effectively.

Easy Ways To Begin To Increase Intimacy: I know that what I am asking may seem daunting. When your spouse is prickly toward you, how do you even begin to re-establish intimacy? I’ve found it’s easiest to try to give your spouse what you yourself want. In this case, you want him to be more involved with and attentive to you.

So you try to give him that and you hope that, eventually, he will reciprocate. Ask him about his day. Offer to make him the dinner of his choice. Give him an unsolicited back rub. Do something nice for him. Granted, you may have to tweak your offers based on what he will accept initially. This is definitely going to be a gradual process. But as you make progress, you should see improvement on many fronts.

And when he says, “I,” playfully correct him with “we,” show him some affection, and see how he will react.

I do not mean to make this sound easy.  It isn’t.  But it is necessary.  Saving my marriage during a separation was difficult. I wish I’d taken preventative measures like these beforehand.  You’re welcome to read about how I eventually saved my marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: It is heart-wrenching when you suspect that your husband has given up on or checked out of your marriage. It is absolutely heartbreaking if he comes right out and admits this. At that point, there is no longer any room for doubt, and you can no longer fool yourself into believing that things may not be as bad as you’d assumed. But does this mean that it’s over and that there is nothing that you can do? Not necessarily.

A wife might say, “my marriage has been struggling for at least four months. Things got so bad that I decided I needed to bring it out into the open, and I asked my husband to work with me to fix our marriage. At first, he tried to claim that I was exaggerating our issues. But he eventually admitted that he was desperately unhappy and thinking about leaving. I begged him to work with me for a few months, and he agreed. Since that time, I have tried everything in my power to make things better between us. I’ve tried being more accommodating and attentive. I have tried planning special, private outings. I’ve asked him to go to counseling, but he has resisted. None of these things have helped. He just hasn’t been receptive to the things I’ve tried. Last weekend, I made plans for us. I put much effort into this. But my husband begged off. I was frustrated, so I blurted out, ‘it’s starting to feel like you’ve given up on this marriage.’ My husband sighed loudly and then said, ‘to be honest, I have.’ Then he told me that he thinks that it is best if he moves out. When I tried to ask for specific information, he put up his hands and cut me off. He’s only talked to me about basic topics since. Yesterday, I entered a room when his back was to me, and he was on his computer searching for apartments. So he is clearly going to move forward. This is really going to happen. My plans to save my marriage appear to have failed, and now my husband has given up on us. I don’t want to give up. But I’m starting to feel as if this situation is hopeless.”

I know how you feel. I’ve been there. But it is not necessarily hopeless. Yes, your husband has said made some upsetting admissions, and is taking some troubling actions. But he hasn’t moved out yet. He hasn’t filed any legal papers yet. No divorce is final yet. So you do have some time, and you may have some space to try some different things. Appreciate this advantage. Not every wife has it.

Look At Possibilities To Minimize The Damage: From my own experience from separating from my own husband, I believe that the biggest threats to your marriage right now are your husband moving out, your drifting further apart, and him eventually beginning to see other people. In my observation, these are the things that are the hardest to overcome.

So, you may want to methodically try to minimize these things. Suggest that you stay with family and friends for a while to give him a bit of space. Or offer to temporarily move out of the master bedroom for the same purpose. That way, he doesn’t need to move out and you won’t constantly wonder what he is doing and assume the worst. Sure, living under the same roof has its own set of challenges, but it is better than losing daily contact.

Admittedly, your husband may reject your offer and may still want to move out. (This was the case with me.) If so, all is not lost. You can try to establish some commitments from him. See if he’ll agree to meet or speak once a week. See if he will commit to giving the “space” a couple of months to work before he files anything. See if he will agree that neither of you will date other people while you are still married.

Having him agree to these things will spare you a lot of uncertainty and heartbreak. A separation is hard enough without never hearing from your husband and worrying about other women. Getting even a small commitment toward these topics will help a great deal. Yes, you may have to use a little finesse and you may have to present these items at different times to get his agreement, but it is worth the effort.

Things Can Change Dramatically During This Process: I know that things seem dire right now. But the circumstances can and do change dramatically. Sometimes, the space can actually work for you. Sometimes, it allows for calm and perspective. When you play it correctly, many husbands in this situation eventually miss their wives, and realize where they could have given a little more effort.

Some separations (like my own) start off horribly, but eventually improve gradually with time and new strategies. There is no need to throw in the towel at the very beginning of the process.

The Only Person Who Decides When You Are Ready To Give Up Is You: I hope it’s pretty obvious that I don’t think that you should give up on your marriage if you don’t wish to. If I had, I’d no longer be married today. I understand that you may feel pressure by friends, family, or even your husband to see the writing on the wall. But these people are not you. And you are the only one who has a right to your feelings, your decisions, and your actions.

You can still want your marriage and still be invested in it while respecting your husband’s request for space. You are not divorced. So you are not required to give up. Heck, I even know wives who didn’t give up after a divorce filing, and even a divorce. A few ended up remarried eventually. Yes, it is rare. But it is up to the individual as to when they let go.

And you are very early in the process. Things can change. But you would never know how they might change if you were to give up. If you are not ready, then consider giving yourself permission to try new things.

Trying new strategies eventually allowed me to save my marriage.  You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who feel like they fall dead-last on their husbands’ priority list. Understandably, some wives notice this troubling behavior, but then try to talk themselves out of their observations. Perhaps he’s just busy or distracted. Perhaps the wife is paranoid and is seeing things that aren’t there. Or maybe she expects too much. However, there often comes a breaking point where it becomes obvious that she is not overreacting, and she has to reckon with the fact that many other things (and people) in her husband’s life seem to hold a higher priority in his life.

A wife might say, “for the past several months, my husband has been putting me last. He hasn’t put me first for years. But lately, his behavior has become very neglectful. Not only does he not make me his top priority, but I am at the bottom because everyone and everything seems more important to him than me. He always makes time to listen to and do things for his coworkers, family, and friends. He even treats acquaintances better than he treats me. I have girlfriends who tell me that their husbands put their kids first. I could actually understand that, and I wouldn’t have that big of a problem with it. But I come way after the kids, and then after the tons of other people who are more important than me. It’s not just people, either. He’d rather play video games or watch TV than spend time with me. He’d rather go jogging than interact with me. I’ve actually tried to jog with him just to get some time with him, and he ran too fast and wouldn’t slow down so that I could keep up. He said that that was his only exercise for the day and he had to keep pace. He never remembers issues that are important to me. He never asks about my day. He never takes any initiative to connect with me anymore. I am not sure how this all changed, but it most certainly has. I honestly get less quality time with my husband than nearly anyone else. It’s like he makes a conscious effort to avoid just me. He seems to have no problems making time for other things and for other people. It just seems to be my company that he finds so distasteful. I will sometimes shame him into making an effort, but when he does, he’s clearly resentful and his heart isn’t in it. This makes me very worried about my marriage. If given the opportunity, I’d always make time for him. In a perfect world, he is my highest priority, but I can’t really make this happen because he always finds a way to thwart my attempts to get close to him. Every once in awhile, he will surprise me and act sweet toward me. But it’s honestly extremely rare. For the most part, I’m just not a high priority for him. Not only am I not first, but I’m last.”

Being A Low Priority Is A Valid Concern: I think that you are correct to worry about this. When my marriage began to decline, I tried to convince myself that I was only overreacting or allowing paranoia to cloud my thinking. But I was wrong about this because I ended up separated. If you do not address the decay of your marriage, that same marriage may erode to the point of no return. You never want to allow that to happen if you can help it.

How To Get Around His Avoidance: Now, I know what you might be thinking, “I get what you are saying, and I want to improve my marriage. But it takes two. How am I going to transform my marriage when I’m not a priority to him?”

You’re going to have to change your approach. Please read this with an open mind. I am fully aware that if I had read my own words when my husband and I were disconnected, I would have rolled my eyes and I would have assumed that whoever wrote these words did not understand my marriage. I promise you that I do understand. My marriage was nearly over until I was finally able to save it. And I’m trying to help you get what you want. So hear me out.

When you are caught in this lopsided dynamic, it is very likely that you begin to speak in various ways to try to get more of your husband’s attention. Of course you want more of his time and care. You’ve been neglected and relegated to the bottom of the list. So sure, you’re going to speak louder, or in a more dramatic fashion, to be heard.

Unfortunately, though, husband’s in this lopsided dynamic see this as nagging or as being overly dramatic. So do you know what happens? This only reinforces his desire to keep you at a distance. And he’ll use other people (or other things) to keep you at arm’s length.

But what makes him feel closer to you so that he willingly WANTS to make you a priority? Engagement, respect, ease, and intimacy. When he respects and feels close to you, (and when the environment makes it easy to do so,) he will naturally want to make you a priority. It makes sense to examine each one of these attributes to make sure that you have them (or can get them.) Is your marriage as intimate as you can make it? And have you, to the best of your ability, tried to create a home atmosphere that is laid back and as free of stress and tension as you can make it?

Believe me, I am not putting all of this on you. I’m only suggesting ways that you can encourage him to make you a priority again. A man who respects his capable and independent wife in a home environment that encourages engagement and intimacy will often naturally exhibit the behaviors that you are looking for. I cannot stress how important intimacy is. A man excited about being intimate with his wife is not going to want to play video games instead.

I know that none of this is easy. Evaluating and then making sure you have all of these attributes is a process that is going to take patience and diligence. But it is better than feeling ignored by the most important person in your life.

How To Keep His Engagement Going Once You Have It: Once you have made progress and he’s more attentive and has placed you at a higher priority, you’ll need to make sure that you don’t drift back into old patterns. It’s very important that you maintain your own sense of identity and don’t depend on your husband to be your sole source of emotional support. I had to learn that this is what my girlfriends are for. Yes, I want my husband to put me first when it comes to romance and intimacy. But if I depend on him for all my emotional needs, he’s going to feel pressured at these demands, and he’s going to distance himself again.

I have come to believe that couples need their own individual interests. It’s fine for a husband to play video games or to go out with friends, as long as he doesn’t exclude his wife and makes time for her. If you support his outside interests and develop your own, he’s going to be more than likely to give you his undivided attention when you are together.

Don’t panic and don’t assume the worst. You can fix this if you focus on strengthening the things that can be right in your marriage. It’s not hopeless. I was able to turn it around even during a nasty separation that seemed endless. You can read that whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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