Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are either separated, on a break from their husband, or in the beginning stages of a divorce.  Many are starting to see different (and more positive) behaviors from their husband. Sometimes, he has started to show interest again, act in romantic ways, or he begins to bring up the marriage or saving it. Of course, most wives will notice this change right away and wonder how they should respond to this or if the signs that they are seeing might truly means he wants to reconcile instead of just wishful thinking.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. For the first six weeks, he pretty much avoided me. He wouldn’t respond to my calls or texts and it became pretty clear that things were not going very well. But then after we had been separated for about two months, he started acting a lot differently. He began to call and text me. He began to drop by saying that he wanted to see the kids. And when he did, he would say sweet things to me. Yesterday, he called and asked me out and while we were on the phone, he told me that he wanted to maintain a relationship with me because of the kids. I’m thrilled that he’s showing interest, but I’m a little confused too. What signs should I look for to show that he might be interested in a reconciliation? And how should I respond if he is?” I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

Signs That Your Husband Might Want A Reconciliation: It was clear after dialoging with this wife for a while that she really was afraid that she was reading the signs all wrong and was seeing what she wanted to see. But, I assured her that the changing behaviors that she was seeing might be indicative of a man who wants to reconcile. Yes, he was telling her that he was trying to improve their relationship for the kids. But, this didn’t need to be the only reason that he was changing his behaviors. Because he was also showing romantic interest as well. He had been finding ways to brush her arm, laugh with her, and meet her gaze in an almost flirtatious way. There’s a difference between getting along for the sake of your children and wanting to get a long because of a marital bond or a romantic interest.

Now, it had only been a couple of days since her husband began showing a change of attitude. But in the coming days or weeks, she might look for some of the following. You want to hear your husband talk about the future with you. And you might listen to see if he seems nostalgic about your past or hopefully about your future. He might even mention what was wrong with your marriage or how to change it. He might offer to go to counseling or be more willing to work with you to improve or save the marriage. He might start asking you questions to feel you out to see if you feel the same way.

How Do You Respond If You’re Seeing Some OF These Signs Which Might Indicate That He Wants To Reconcile: I find that women in this situation have varying reactions. Some are very clear and transparent about the fact that they are thrilled that he wants to reconcile. The might worry if things are going to work out sometimes, but they are willing to do anything to save their marriage, so they are willing to jump right in and get to work.

Then you have some wives who really want to analyze exactly what is happening and which response will give them the best chance to save their marriage. Although they want to jump right back into their marriage, they are somewhat reluctant to do this because they want to lay the groundwork and move slowly to ensure that their marriage really stands a chance.

And then there are the wives who don’t want to get too excited because they don’t want to get their hopes up. They are suspicious of their husband’s motivations for suddenly wanting to reconcile, so they are guarded about the whole process. And they wait for him to lead the way.

So which approach is right? There is no one answer here. I do find that the suspicious and reluctant wives seem to sometimes have the lowest success rate because their doubt keeps them from truly letting go and truly trying their best to make things work. They are always holding something back because they don’t want to get hurt. But the fall out from this can be that their husband thinks they don’t care or he gives up because their lack of enthusiasm or commitment.

The wives who don’t ask questions and go all in immediately can sometimes be disappointed to later learn that nothing has really changed and that they still have the same problems that they have always had and which contributed to the separation in the first place.

That’s why I advocate a happy combination of the two. There is nothing wrong with being happy that your husband is showing signs of wanting to reconcile. That is good, exciting news. And it is a wonderful first step. But I find that couples who take the next step and find some sort of resources or get some kind of help to navigate the reconciliation process have a much higher success rate. Because it is one thing to want to reconcile. And it is entirely different thing to actually gain the education and resources to make it possible.

It’s my opinion that you will give yourself the best chance of the reconciliation actually working if you give yourself that chance to save your marriage but also temper your enthusiasm enough to ensure that you find and get the help that you might need to ensure success.

When my husband started showing interest in me again, I doubted his intentions.  I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so we moved slowly and this ended up being the right call because eventually did save our marriage and are still together today.  You can read about the whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose husband has recently asked for a separation.   Many of the wives aren’t sure how the separation is going to play out or what it really means for them or their marriages.

I often hear comments like: “what does it really mean when a husband asks for a separation?  Does it mean he doesn’t love you anymore?  Does it mean that he’s trying to ease you into a divorce?  Does it mean that he’s tired of you, wants his freedom, or needs some space?  Can it mean that there’s someone else that he would rather be with?  Or that your marriage is over?  Because I’m not sure what to think about this.  I’m trying to have a good attitude and handle this is a positive way.  But I’m not how you’re expected to respond when essentially, your husband is saying that he doesn’t know if he wants to be with you anymore.”

Why your husband wants a separation (and what this means for you and your marriage) varies as much as the couple themselves as well as the issues in the marriage.  His wanting a separation could mean some of the things that the wife mentioned above, but it doesn’t have to.

In the following article, I’ll tell you some of the reasons that men give me for wanting a separation in the hopes that it helps you decide what this means for you or your own marriage.

Common Reasons Men Want A Separation And What This Means For You And Your Marriage:  I’m not a man who has asked for a separation.  In fact, I’m a woman who has been on the other side of this issue.  But I do have men in this exact situation visit my blog.  And many tell me that the separation is a way to sort out their feelings and think about things without their wife’s constant feedback and questions.

Very few of them tell me that they are asking for a separation because they eventually intend to file for divorce.  In fact, the opposite is often true.  Frankly if they had really wanted a divorce, many insist that they would have just filed for one in the beginning and saved themselves the trouble of a two step process.

Many have a specific reason for wanting a separation rather than a divorce.  Many still believe (or hope) that things can be worked out.  But, they don’t think that working things out is likely if they stay and continue to argue or face the same old issues without any change. So many see the separation as a way to calm things down so that both people can think, get some perspective, and hopefully be inspired to make the changes that are going to save the marriage or change it for the better.

Having said this, are there some men who just want out and see the separation as a quick way to accomplish this or use the separation as the first step to divorce?  I’m sure there are.  But these aren’t the men that I hear from.  And frankly, a divorce is much more straight forward and less emotionally complicated.  It’s my view that many men who ask for a separation do so because they think that there’s a chance that the marriage can be saved, but they know that drastic action is required to do so.  And they’re often very tired of having the same old arguments or not being able to work though the same old issues so they think that the best thing to do would be to take a break and see if things look differently because of it.

Do You Really Need To Know Exactly What Your Husband’s Need For A Separation Means?  Or Can You Just Trust In The Process And Know That It Means You Need To Work On (And Hopefully Improve) Your Marriage?:  I understand your need for answers.  And I know that you are probably thinking that if you figure out exactly why he wants a separation (and what this means to you) then your course of action or your best response will be so much more clear.

But, I have to tell you that often men aren’t able to give you these sorts of specific answers.  Many of us hope that they’ll give us some sort of specific list that we can check off as we address or remove the problems. But this isn’t likely to happen and continuing to approach and question your husband about this will usually make him defensive or tired of the process before it’s even begun.

When you are separated and you want to save your marriage, one of the most important things that you can do is to watch the perceptions that you are creating.  This is so important because one day your husband will need to make a decision as to whether the separation is going to end and he’s going to come home.  Or, he may decide that he’s going to stay away and continue the separation or go ahead and file for divorce.

When he makes this decision, you don’t want for him to have the mental picture of you engaging him, debating with him, and insisting on answers that he may not be able to give you.  I understand your need for answers, but sometimes it’s better to just accept the obvious, which is that he’s trying to determine if the marriage can be saved and he’s wanting to see if some time apart will improve things.

So your focus should be on exactly that.  The goal should be to allow the time to improve things so that he sees that the marriage can be saved because he still loves and can work with you.  You can’t do this if you are harping on things that are unclear to him also.  Don’t worry so much about the undefined things that lead up to this.  Focus now on the specific action that is going to get you out of this.

Handling Your Husband Wanting A Separation: I believe that the most important thing to do right now is to not let your emotions take over.  I know that this is a scary process, but keep reminding yourself that no one has filed for divorce and, if you handle the separation correctly, it can actually improve your marriage and help you save it.

As difficult as it can be to focus on the positive and to trust the process, that’s exactly what I would suggest that you do.  You have to portray the person who has the best chance of changing your husband’s mind and inspiring him to return home.  This person needs to make him feel optimistic and hopeful rather than guilty and hopeless.

So, to the extent that you can, focus on just improving the relationship and his perceptions about it.  Now, when I say improve the relationship, I don’t mean to tear it apart and dissect it to build it back up.  I mean focusing on restoring the connection of the people within it .  Because if you can do this, even when you are technically apart, everything else becomes a lot easier. And it’s not as difficult as you might think.  One positive thing that sometimes happens during a separation is that people see how much they really do miss and care about one another.  This really is what you need to remember and focus on.

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By: Leslie Cane: Admittedly, some of the spouses who visit this site have been blindsided. Much to their surprise, their spouse has proclaimed their marriage troubled or even over. But others saw it coming a mile away. They know their marriage isn’t clicking in the way that it used to. They are aware that neither they nor their spouse is particularly happy. Worse, in many cases, the disconnect isn’t new. It’s been happening for way too long, sometimes for months or years. Many spouses in this situation will refer to their marriage as dead, failing, or loveless. Despite this, almost everyone who visits wants to know how they can fix it. They want to know how to revive their troubled marriage so that they can stay with their spouse. But they want a new, and better marriage.

Someone might say, “I’m not going to sit here and tell you that my husband is wrong when he calls our marriage troubled, but I do believe he is wrong when he calls it dead. We got into a huge fight last night, and he threw up his hands and said he doesn’t know why he even tries anymore when our marriage has been dead for years. Well, he doesn’t really try. He doesn’t put any effort into our marriage except to complain about it. That said, it’s unfair to say that our marriage is dead. We’ve been married for so long, and we made it through many hardships. For the most part, we are compatible. But we are more like friends than spouses. And sometimes this frustrates us, and we end up taking our frustrations out on each other and fighting. The thing is, I don’t know how to fix this. When I try to show affection to my husband or spice things up, he looks at me like I’m crazy. It’s been so long since we’ve acted affectionately toward one another that it feels very foreign when I attempt it. I also worry that he’s going to reject me. We pretty much do our own thing, so when I rock the boat on that, he isn’t always very receptive. So how can I possibly revive my marriage when it’s so far gone?”

Find The Right Mindset From The Start: I think that the very first thing that you need to do is to believe that none of this is impossible. The passage above is full of defeatist language. It is like you’ve given up before you’ve even started. This will make your job even harder.

The better mindset is to see this as an opportunity. Yes, you may have some challenges ahead of you, but if you are successful, you will have a much happier marriage and a stronger bond with your spouse. Surely you remember better times when you and your spouse could talk for hours, and he valued your happiness.

Try to focus on the potential gains rather than the roadblocks.

Start Slowly: You can’t expect to go from where you are right now to a passionate love affair in a few days. You didn’t get where you are overnight, so it’s going to take some time to dig your way out.

Since you and your spouse are mostly doing your own thing in the same house, it’s possible to start with increased joint activities. You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or anything that will feel overly awkward. Forcing it just makes it feel wrong and increases the likelihood that you will give up.

Target small tasks like taking a walk together, playing cards or board games, or just talking about light topics.

The goal is the start small and then to consistently build. Sure, you may start out just playing cards, but the plan is to end up with a new, tighter bond that is showing itself in larger ways.

As you spend more time together, you’ll begin to reach out physically. You’ll hold hands more, offer back rubs, and generally just try to touch your spouse more frequently.  When you start small, a natural progression comes more easily.

Expect Some Eventual Vulnerability: There is no way around the fact that deep intimacy may require some vulnerability. It’s normal to worry that you might be rejected or that you’re going to have to put yourself out there. You can try to diminish this by starting small as I discussed above. But as you begin to build up to more intimacy, you are going to have to step outside of your comfort zone.

However, you are going to build up to this, so it might not be as uncomfortable as you fear. And nothing worthwhile is easy 100% of the time.

If you expect some vulnerability going into it, then you don’t need to panic when it comes. Focus on what you have to gain rather than the short amount of discomfort that you may experience on the path to getting what you want. And you may be surprised.  Since you and your spouse should be closer once you get to this point, his enthusiasm may make vulnerability unnecessary.

Understand That An Emotional Connection Encourages A Physical Connection: I encouraged you to start small so that this process doesn’t feel overwhelming, but another reason you want to ease into this process is that when you build an emotional connection through small, easy gestures, the physical connection is a natural outgrowth of that process.

Couples who feel empathetic toward and deeply connected to one another want to be together physically. You don’t need to force anything when you are deeply and emotionally connected to your spouse, and you feel understood and cared for.

So make it your goal to show your spouse, in small, easily achievable ways, that you will always have his back, that you care about his feelings, experiences, and happiness, and that you are his go-to person no matter what.

If you can accomplish even some of this, your bond will vastly improve, and your marriage should begin to feel very much alive.

But I think it is a mistake to see your marriage as something that is on its last legs. It is better to see it as a work in progress that needs more attention in the places that count the most.

I know that you can do this because I did it, and I did it during a marital separation.  It wasn’t always easy, but it was so worth it. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who find this site end up here because they are dealing with a husband who has asked for time away. He is often vague in this request. Sometimes, it isn’t clear if he wants time away from his wife, his marriage, his life, or all three. And not only is the wife understandably hurt, but she’s left wondering why her husband needs this time and what it means for her marriage.

She might say, “I will admit that my husband and I have had a very stressful few months. What we have been through has left us both reeling. However, I am left wanting to reach out even more to my husband. And his response is the opposite – he is pushing me away. To be honest, things were not great before we hit the rough patch. But now things feel awful. My husband has been very careful to say that I’ve done nothing wrong and that he feels like he needs some time to himself to regroup and regain his footing. But why can’t he do that with me around? He wants to stay with his friends. He said he may take a short trip by himself. When I ask him where he’s going and who is coming with him, he says he doesn’t have firm plans yet, but this whole thing feels evasive. It feels like he’s rejecting me and distancing himself from me and our marriage. How else am I supposed to take it when my own husband doesn’t want me around? What does all of this mean?”

I understand the fear and confusion you feel right now. When my husband asked for space, I honestly felt like I was being ruthlessly cut out of his life after all our years together. I panicked and reacted very badly, which lead to a separation. In truth, what this means and how it affects your marriage depends very much on the circumstances and on how you react to them. I’ll go over some possibilities below and will often some suggestions on how to handle each one.

Sometimes Time Away Is Benign As People Need Quiet In Times Of High Stress: This is obviously the best-case scenario. And it is most likely to occur when you’ve had no real issues in your marriage and you continue to feel close to your spouse. Sometimes, when we have a devastating event happen in our life, we need isolation to process what is happening. I took a weekend for myself when I lost a family member suddenly. In no way was this a rejection of my husband. I wanted to be surrounded by nature and quiet, and my husband was not in a position to drop everything and go with me. All the “time away” meant for my marriage was that we were apart for a few days. When I returned home, I was very glad to see my husband and vice verse. Sometimes, a short time away is a benign, rare event that has no lasting implications.

Other Times, Time Away Means That Your Husband Wants Space So He Can Evaluate His Life And What He Wants Moving Forward: Unfortunately, not all “time away” incidents are benign. When a spouse who has clearly been restless suddenly asks for space, time away, or a break, that can be somewhat worrisome. My own husband did this. I wish I could tell you that I handled it with calm compassion. But this just isn’t true. I argued, panicked, and tried everything in my power to make my husband think he was selfish and wrong to even ask.

Needless to say, he only became defensive and angry. That is what I mean when I say that the impact the time away has on your marriage depends on your reaction to it.

It is human nature to want to pull your spouse closer when you feel him pulling away. But when he’s seeking time alone, this can backfire and cause him to want even more space for even a longer period of time.

The Best Way To React When Your Spouse Asks For Time Away: How would you want your spouse to react if you needed time away due to a very trying situation? Would you want your spouse to create drama and make you feel selfish and mistaken? Or would you want your spouse to support you and rise to the occasion at the time you need him the most?

It never hurts to offer to go with your spouse if he will allow it. But if he won’t, I believe the best play is to support him and stress that you can and will provide whatever it is your spouse needs right now. You want him to think of you favorably when he’s away and set the stage for the two of you to be even closer when he returns.

I know that I am asking a great deal of you. It is incredibly scary to loosen your grasp when you feel him moving away from you. But if you refuse to give him this time, he will typically demand it and take it by force, which means that he’ll be angry and will think that you are trying to stand in the way of his wishes. Therefore, he’ll begin to think that he has to get away from you to get what he wants. This thinking only makes the situation much worse.

Ideally, you’ll try a very supportive stance like, “honey, I understand that you need some time. But I hate for you to be alone right now. I’m happy to go with you but hang back and give you some space. Would that work for you?” And ideally, he will accept.

If not, you still need to take a very supportive stance and be the rock that you’d like your husband to be for you. I honestly believe that sometimes, a wife’s panicked reaction to a request for time alone is worse than the request itself. At least that was true in my case. My overreaction meant that we separated and I had to work very hard to get to a place of reconciliation. This wasn’t easy, but we eventually reconciled and I learned some important truths about marriage and human nature that has made my life much easier.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people who write to me about the problems or troubles in their marriages realize that a break down in communication is one of the major issues that they face and need to overcome. As easy as it is to identify that you have these issues, it can be more difficult to actually improve and solve them. Sometimes habits have evolved, and making changes requires real and constant effort.

I often receive comments like: “we used to talk all night and the conversation would just flow so easily and non stop. Today, there are long pauses and sometimes even awkwardness. And, when we have to really sit down and discuss our problems, this sometimes ends in disaster. He takes everything that I say in the wrong way. He says I nag, but to me, he is so defensive that the second I bring up something that he doesn’t want to hear, he immediately gets angry and shuts down. It gets to where we avoid everything but small talk anymore and I know this is no way to conduct a marriage. I know that our marriage is going to be in real trouble if we can’t learn to how to improve communication. But how do we even start?”

In the following article, I’ll be offering some suggestions as to some relatively painless ways to improve the communication in your marriage so that hopefully this leads to improvements in other areas of the marriage as well. If communication is flowing freely and is actually working on a positive level, this can have a very positive effect on other areas of the marriage.

Start Small. Rebuild An Easy Rapport Before You Try To Have Difficult Conversations And Just Create More Awkwardness: Often, as soon as people realize there is a problem communicating in their marriage, they are tempted to do a complete overhaul right away. They feel very pressured and so they will just start attempting to have difficult conversations without laying any groundwork. The risk with this strategy is that often the talks will be awkward and uncomfortable which just reinforces the problem and discourages them from going any further. You want to set yourself up to be successful so that you can build up gradually.

Try To Establish Easy Conversations About Light Hearted Topics To Regain Your Footing: Here’s something that so few people understand. If you can establish an open and easy-going relationship and give and take with your spouse on the little things, the big things become so much easier to manage and overcome. And many spouses do attempt small talk but this sometimes consists of the problems within their household or their kids.

So what you might find in these kinds of discussions are talks about the neighbor’s dog digging up your garden yet again and the huge costs of your son’s new braces. Sure, these conversations need to take place. But if this is what you place most of your focus on (and many of us do whether we realize it or not) then you are setting it up so that you both expect more of the same when you sit down to talk. You don’t necessarily look forward to it because you know that its focus will be day-to-day drudgery that doesn’t necessarily give you (or your marriage) a lift.

So, it can help to really place your focus on having positive discussions that build up both of you. Remember when the two of you used to talk about your hopes and dreams and giggle deep into the night because you were sharing part of yourself? This is what you are striving for now. You want those conversations to be sacred. You want to have the types of conversations with your spouse that you couldn’t have with anyone else. Let’s face it. You can talk about your neighbor’s dog and your kid’s braces with your mom or your best friend. Make the conversation something unique to your spouse.

Don’t Make It All About You. Listen To What Your Spouse Is Really Saying. Read Between The Lines And Respond Accordingly: I would estimate that 99% of the time, people immersed in a conversation are thinking about their own agenda and what they themselves are hearing and communicating. This is natural and human nature. It doesn’t say anything about your character, but it can have an effect on the conversation.

If your spouse knows that you aren’t listening and responding to their perspective, they will shut down. This is counter to what you want or need to happen. They need to know that opening up to and talking with you is going to make the situation better instead of worse. So, if you are going to have a conversation about a tough topic, always take responsibility for what you yourself are feeling and hearing.

For example, instead of saying to your spouse “You never listen to me. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. ” You might instead want to say “sometimes I feel that you’re not really listening to me and this makes me feel isolated and alone. I want to know that you hear me. Do you have a few minutes to give me your undivided attention and listen to me?”

Do you see the difference? You’re not creating a situation where you’re being accusatory so that your spouse has to feel defensive. You are taking responsibility for how you feel. And you’re asking him if it’s a good time so that when he does sit down, you are much more likely to have a better experience.

Finally, the most important part of good communication comes down to one simple word – listening. If you are a good listener, most people (and likely your spouse included) will think you are a great communicator. Honestly, people attempt to communicate because they want to feel heard and validated. When this doesn’t happen, they shut down and communication begins to be negatively affected.

But if your spouse knows that you will hear them even if you don’t always agree, they will be much more open with you and they will likely return the favor and listen to you as you try to communicate with them. If I could pick what I wanted you to most take from this article, it would be that being a good listener and asking thoughtful open-ended questions and feedback truly is the most important part of improving the communication in your marriage.

Communication was a real problem in my own marriage. Unfortunately, I didn’t attempt to address it until my marriage was in real trouble. My first attempts at improving this were a disaster but eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was able to not only improve our communication but save the marriage as well. So, it was very much worth the effort. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common questions that I get on my blog is “how can I make my husband change his mind about divorcing me?” This is a loaded question, of course. The answer is going to be different depending upon what is causing your husband to want to divorce you in the first place. However, I do find that there are some common strategies among wives who are successful in getting their husband to change his mind about saving their marriage. So in the following article, I’m going to discuss what I believe are some of the right and wrong ways to try to accomplish this.

What You Don’t Want To Do When You’re Trying To Get Your Husband To Decide He Doesn’t Want To Divorce You After All: Before I tell you what I think are some of the best strategies in getting him to change his mind, I want to cover what I almost never see work so that you will hopefully avoid these things.

First and most importantly, you don’t want to rely upon negativity in any form. What this means is that if you try to make him feel negative emotions like pity, guilt, fear, or shame, you are less likely to have long term success. So you don’t want to tell your husband that he is an awful and selfish person to leave his family. You don’t want to threaten to take half of every financial asset that he has. You don’t want to tell him that no one else will love and understand him in the way that you do. Don’t insinuate that you will refuse to give him a divorce or fight him every step of the way.

I know that sometimes these strategies might feel like all you have left. So it’s tempting to think that anything is worth a try if it means getting him back. But these tactics will often only make him want to divorce you with more intensity and speed. He will want to get away from you more quickly because you’re making him feel negatively about himself or his situation. The real key in making him change his mind about the divorce is to get him to feel better (not worse) about you, your marriage, and your situation, which leads me to the next point.

Understand What It Really Takes To Get Your Husband To Change His Mind About The Divorce: Instead of trying truly desperate measures to get him to change his mind, you need to understand what it really takes. He has to come to realize that he was wrong about his perceptions regarding your marriage and you. Or, he needs to come to believe that those true things that he believed have now changed somehow. It’s up to decide to decide which strategy is the most realistic for you and easiest to accomplish.

For example, let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that you cheated on him but are now beyond sorry. There is really no way to flip this to make him realize that his perceptions about the cheating were wrong or inaccurate. The facts are right in front of him and they are undeniable. So you really can’t change his perceptions about your cheating. But you may have a chance of successfully convincing him of something else.

Perhaps you can show him changes and improvements that you have made to yourself so that he can feel more comfortable changing his belief that your marriage can not be saved after the infidelity. Do you see the difference? You’re not trying to change his mind about the infidelity because you can’t really argue that point. But, you’re trying to change his mind about the future of your marriage. And the easiest way to do that is to show him real and profound changes in you so that he thinks more favorably about being married to the new and improved you.

Here’s another example. Sometimes, husbands will want a divorce because they think the love and the spark are gone. However, you may know this is not entirely true. You may look at your marriage and have your own theories. Perhaps you think that the stress your husband is under is clouding his perceptions of you, your marriage, and his life. Or maybe you think that some of his friends and family members are unduly influencing him. In this scenario, you are probably better off trying to change his perceptions about the circumstances that surround your marriage.

In a situation like this, your job is to take a step back and figure out the best way to make him see that he’s just wrong. Perhaps the best way to do this is to stop focusing on what is wrong and to start focusing on what is right. Maybe you need to show him rather than tell him that you absolutely can still connect on a physical level. Whatever it is that is clouding his perceptions about you and the marriage needs to be removed in the most genuine way possible

Make Sure That Whatever Strategy You Chose Comes Off As Natural And Not As A Desperate, Last Effort Move That Is In Your Best Interest Rather Than His: When you decide on your strategy, it’s important to also think very carefully about how you are going to carry it out. The worst thing that you can do is to make it very obvious that you are only trying to manipulate your husband for your own gain.

Don’t attempt any strategy that you can not pull off as genuine. This is so important. If you skip this step and your husband thinks you’re only play acting or thinking of your own objectives, then you might actually make things worse. Always navigate toward acting in a way that is healthy and beneficial for both of you. At the end of the day, you want to be happily married in a very mutual and healthy relationship.

So, don’t do anything that might jeopardize this. Remember that if your husband understands that you really do want for him to be happy with his life, he is much more likely to respond favorably to you than if he suspects that you’re only thinking about yourself and your desire to change his mind about the divorce.

Needless to say, when I was attempting to change my husband’s mind about divorcing me, I did many of the things that I’m telling you not to do. But, I ended up saving my marriage by eventually catching on and deciding to try the strategies I’m suggesting you use instead. If it helps, you can read the very emotional story of how I accomplished this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most wives who are separated, taking a marital break, or giving their spouse space desperately want to know where they are in this process. In other words, they want to know if they’re making sufficient progress in the hopes that the separation will soon end so that they can reconcile and move on. Understandably, many of them wonder if there are steps that people typically take on the path to a reconciliation, and, if so, which step are they on?

Someone might say, “My husband and I have been separated for two and a half months. I would like to tell you that we’ve made tons of progress, but I’m not sure that this is true. He isn’t rude to me, but he’s not open and welcoming, either. We don’t communicate nearly as much as I’d like. And with no communication, we haven’t made progress on our issues. He has not asked for a divorce. But he certainly hasn’t mentioned a reconciliation, either. Is there any steps that we should be hitting on the path to reconciliation? If so, I don’t think we’ve hit any benchmarks at all.”

I hesitate to outline very stringent steps because I think it varies from couple to couple. And I also believe that such a list might create pressure and discouragement. When I think back to my own separation, I’m fairly sure that I would not have been able to check off very many reconciliation steps. And yet, I did eventually reconcile. Based on my own experience, I will outline what I think are very general steps for which to strive. But I want to stress that not meeting these steps in a specific timeline or pattern is not something that you should worry too much about. Rather, it might help you to strategize your behavior and your responses so that you’re always looking toward moving forward rather than sliding back.

Step One: Accept That You May Have To Surrender To A Path That You Can’t Always Dictate: I fought against a separation with everything I had. And once I finally did concede (because my husband made it clear I had no real choice,) I told myself that I’d make sure it ended as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that none of it was completely within my control. It takes two people to move toward a reconciliation. So the quicker you accept that you can’t dictate or control everything, the quicker you will begin to move forward.

There’s good news though.  There are things that you can control which can influence the outcome. You can control your own behaviors and actions. You can create a playful, accepting atmosphere that makes it more likely that your husband will respond favorably to you. But when you have setbacks (and most of us do,) it’s so important that you do not push or apply pressure. Most of the time, doing so means you’ll only slide backward.

You can save yourself a lot of pain and frustration if you accept that although you can bet you’ll control what you can, you won’t be able to control everything. So you are better off knowing that sometimes you’ll have to adjust and move gradually. And that can be okay because it means that you’re both more comfortable that your progress is real and lasting.

Step Two: Improve Rapport And A Lessen Tension: Even when you are cordial during your separation, most people admit that there is awkwardness and tension. After all, if things were easy and great between you, then you probably wouldn’t be separated. Understandably, we want to make everything better as soon as we possibly can. Many of us believe that we need to address our most difficult problems first. I believed this also and it backfired spectacularly.

Much of the time, your relationship cannot withstand your overanalyzing it and breaking it down repeatedly. Because you’re starting out from a place of tension. As a result, you’re likely to meet with defensiveness initially if you push too much. But, if you can restore an easy rapport, then this type of work becomes possible and doesn’t feel nearly as difficult.

Step Three: Pick Easy Victories So Your Spouse Believes That Progress Is Possible: Once you re-establish rapport and regain access to your spouse, you’re then in a position to pick some small issues that you want to address. Pick something that isn’t too difficult or emotionally charged. Your goal is not to fix your marriage in one swoop, but to show your spouse that change is possible and not even that difficult.

Often, the biggest issue between you and a reconciliation is your husband’s belief that it is even possible and eventually preferable. As he sees you getting along, laughing, and freeing yourself from tension, he will become more comfortable with moving forward. And slowly but surely, he may begin to believe that not only is a new, improved marriage in your future, but it is the path that is going to make him happiest. Take this very gradually. Begin with the easiest issues first. Then methodically tackle bigger issues as your marriage can withstand it.

Step Four: As Things Improve, Ease Back Into A Romantic Relationship With Guardrails In Place: I honestly believe that this is the hardest step. Because once you get here, things should have dramatically improved. You’re likely dating your separated spouse again and engaging in romantic activity. It is so easy to push when you’ve learned to show restraint. Understandably, you want to get to the finish line. You want to reconcile now. But what else do you want? You want a lasting marriage and you want to never separate again.

So take the time to do it right. Instead of having him move back in right away, begin with weekends. If you have hiccups, regroup, and move forward slowly. Don’t rush because you don’t want to be in a situation where he moves out again. That two-move situation is hard to overcome. You’re better off moving slowly so you can address any issues as they come up. That way, when he does move back in, it will be seamless, sweet, and lasting.

Step Five: Understand That Improving And Strengthening Your Marriage Is An Ongoing Process: Once he moves back in, don’t become complacent. Never take your success for granted. Regularly check in with your spouse and address issues as they come up. Make intimacy and rapport a very high priority. If you can stay deeply connected, small issues do not become big problems and you can move on with confidence and enjoy your married life.

I understand that you want to rush through all these stages and steps and reconcile right away.  But if you have the patience to do it right, you’ll be much more happily married.  And you’ll be confident that your husband is a very willing participant.  You can read about how I eventually did this (after many mistakes) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are emotionally devastated after their husband has left them. But, because of strategic reasons, they aren’t sure if they should show him this reality.   Many ask me if they should try to tone down their emotions or to portray themselves in a certain way in order to increase the chances of him coming home so that they can get him back or save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband left me. There was no real warning. I knew that we were having some problems with our marriage but never in my wildest dreams did I think that he would take it this far. I came home from work to find a note on the kitchen table saying he thought we should live apart for now to evaluate our marriage and our lives. I am devastated. I am sad. And I am furious at him for doing this to us. But I’m not sure how to act.  I’m afraid to show him how mad and scared I truly am. I feel like I need to be careful of who or what to show him right now. How should a wife act after her husband leaves, especially when she wants him back?”

To me the keys words in that last question are “when she wants him back.” Because if you don’t care if you ever see him again or if you remain married to him, then it really doesn’t matter how you act. You could act in whatever way you wanted in accordance with your feelings without worrying about the repercussions.

But if you do want him back and your marriage is still very important to you, then how you act or react can be very important and can make a different in the outcome. So, if you still want to save your marriage, I’ll offer you my opinion on what I think is the best way to act. This is based on my own experience, my research, and from all the stories and experiences I hear about on my blog.

Know That If Your Husband Is Trying To Get Your Attention By Leaving, So Completely Ignoring Him Probably Isn’t In Your Best Interest: Many times, a husband leaves because he doesn’t know what else to do. Often, the two of you keep going round and round with the same old issues and problems but are not making much progress. So often, rather than continuing to talk but not really getting anywhere, a husband will leave in exasperation or in an attempt to get your attention.

But many wives will try to shift the power back toward them because they don’t want to give their husbands the satisfaction of seeing them get upset. So they will act as if they don’t care or will try to ignore the situation. But knowing that he’s trying to get your attention, ask yourself if this is really the best call or if it’s going to make an even larger problem.

In my opinion and experience, there’s always a middle ground. Of course you don’t want to go to either extreme. You don’t want to show yourself as someone who is desolate and who can’t cope. But at the same time, you don’t want to act as if you don’t care when nothing is further from the truth.

Finding The Middle Ground: Setting It Up So You Have The Best Chance Of Him Coming Back Home To Save Your Marriage: I know that it’s hard to not get carried away with your emotions. You have your pride. You have your fear. And you may well have your resentments and misunderstandings.

But if you are going to make progress so that you can eventually get him home and save your marriage, you’ll often need to put those things aside and place your focus on coming to the table with a spirit of cooperation.  Admittedly, he likely made a hasty and selfish decision that has probably hurt you deeply. But you can’t dwell on that because doing so does nothing to help your marriage or to move you forward.

Behaviors That You Want Him To See After He Leaves: Now that I’ve discussed how he’s trying to get your attention and you should, as part of your strategy, come to the table with a spirit of cooperation, let;s talk about how that looks in real life.

The wife knew that the husband would eventually contact her because they had business dealings that would have to be discussed. So when he did, she might say “it goes without saying that I’m disappointed that you left. I was shocked and devastated when I came home. But right now, what is more important is us moving forward. There’s obviously some things that are bothering you or you wouldn’t have left. I haven’t been one hundred percent happy either. So, now that the decision has been made, maybe we can both use this time to evaluate what we really want and think about how we might help each other to get what we both want.”

Hopefully you see what attitude I’m going for here. In the above dialog, the wife was able to tell the husband she was hurt and disappointed, But she didn’t dwell on it, nor did she break down and beg him to come back. But she made it clear that she wanted to work with him to find a way so that they could both be happy. And when you can set it up so that you are working with your husband rather than against him, you’re much closer to the right path.

You Matter Too: I’ve stressed that you should make it clear that you still care about your husband and want to make him happy. But at the same time, you matter too. It should not be all about what he wants and what he is thinking. You should make it very clear that you are using this time to consider what makes you happy. He should wonder (at least somewhat) how you are spending your time. And every time you are together or you speak, you should appear that you are coping, that you are reflecting on your own wishes, and that you are focused on making your life a happy one. Make sure that you are upbeat and easy to be around. This ensures that your husband wants to see more of you so that you have a continuous foundation on which to build.
Sometimes when I discuss this with wives they say that they feel as if they have to act a certain way. I guess that’s one way to look at it. But I chose to think of it this way. You are showing him the best side of yourself. You are allowing him to see the woman he fell in love with and to remember you at your best so that he misses you, wonders if he was wrong for leaving, and eventually wants to come back.

When my husband left, I admit I reacted very badly.  I cried, begged, and tried everything in the book to make my husband guilty enough to come home.  This backfired and made things worse.  It wasn’t until I understood what behaviors he needed to see that I was able to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives become very desperate to get their husbands to pay attention (and to take action) when the marriage is in real trouble. When it’s clear that it will something drastic to bring about real change, wives sometimes resort to threats or bluffs to get our husbands to finally stand up and pay attention. Most of us know that this is a risky move as we’re doing it. So while it’s not surprising when it blows up in our face, it’s no less devastating. One example is the wife who asks her husband to leave or to move out, with the sole goal of scaring him into finally taking some action. She doesn’t actually want him to leave. But many husbands will either leave or react very badly. So now the wife either has to double down on her request or come clean about her bluff.

She might explain, “my husband and I have been at each other’s throats lately. It’s been very tough for us for nearly three months. I’ve asked him to meet me halfway. I’ve asked him to go to counseling. I’ve tried to be overly accommodating so he wouldn’t have to do as much giving as I’m doing. No matter what I suggest, he will not cooperate. And he makes no secret about how unhappy he is with our marriage. It seems that every single day, I have to hear him comment about how he’s tired of living this way. Or he’ll sarcastically insult me under this breath. I got very frustrated this weekend. And I responded back with, ‘I heard what you said. If you’re that unhappy, you should move out. Because I’m at a loss as to how to fix your misery.’ He looked at me as though I’d slapped his face, and he finally said, ‘I’ll move on next weekend.’ Since then, he has refused to say a single word to me. I’ve tried to ask him basic questions or begin simple exchanges, and he either acts as if he doesn’t hear me or he rolls his eyes and ignores me. I honestly didn’t want him to move out. I wanted to scare him so he’d be inspired to actually do some work and make things better between us. Now, things are worse. I don’t know what to do. Do I have to beg him to interact with me now and continue to live with his unhappiness and our struggling marriage? That’s assuming that I can talk him out of moving out.”

I don’t think that you necessarily have to do both of these things. But I do think you need to vow to speak plainly from now on. And I think you need to be honest about your motivations. Once you break this ice, I think that you can actually improve your marriage if you hit the true issues rather than tap dancing around them.  When you approach your problems with gradual honesty, it’s not so scary to actually address them so that you won’t need to try to threaten your spouse into compliance.

Understanding That Negative Strategies Yield Negative Results: I understand why you tried to scare your husband. I tried similar strategies when my marriage began to crumble. And honestly? These strategies yielded a separation rather than an improvement. By doubling down with threats, shaming, and guilt, my husband only pulled away more and cooperated less. We ultimately separated and I believe that we were very close to divorce. Coming at a husband with negativity will often just cause him to pull away when what you really want is to pull him closer. It wasn’t until I completely changed my strategy that I saved my marriage.

Coming Clean But Pushing Forward: As I alluded to, I do think that you need to be honest about your motivations. But this doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your marriage will never change or improve. You just need to figure out a more positive way to approach this.

The next time your husband is in your path, try something like this. “Can I talk to you for a minute? I was trying to get your attention by asking you to move out. This was wrong of me, but I was frustrated that our marriage seems to be deteriorating, but yet, nothing is changing. I was trying to inspire some change when I asked you to move out. I honestly didn’t think that you would. I hoped that you would tell me that you didn’t want to move out, and would work with me to save our marriage. I went about this the wrong way.  I understand why you haven’t wanted to talk to me. But let’s regroup. Carrying this anger isn’t getting us anywhere.”

When You Are Able, Methodically But Gradually Address The Core Issues Rather Than Trying To Fix Everything At Once: It’s very important to understand why many husbands drag their feet when we ask for their help in saving our marriage. Many of us present it in ways that don’t sound very exciting. Understandably, many of us mention counseling. Unfortunately, husbands will often shut down at this suggestion, especially at first. They envision a long, painful, costly process that may not even yield good results. But rather than offer a compromise, they’ll distance themselves or begin to tune you out.

I learned that you are much better off making small, painless attempts to just improve the dynamic between you. Because you can’t make much progress when your husband is uncooperative and sarcastic. Until you bridge that gap, you can’t address any difficult issues successfully.

So begin by trying to lash out at each other less and laugh more. This sounds easy, but it most definitely might not be when the atmosphere in your house is tense. You may have to let some things go. You may have to create an upbeat attitude when you don’t feel very upbeat. But I promise, if you can lighten the rapport between you, your job becomes so much easier.

Use Your Knowledge Of Your Husband To Find An Acceptable Pace: I know this may seem difficult, but use what you have. You know your husband. You know how he acts in good times and in bad. What behavior does he most respond to? What activities and conversations does he consider fun? When can he never say no?

I know that it may seem confusing that I’m telling you to have fun and laugh when you have serious problems to address. And you will have to address them. But you are much more likely to have success when you feel empathy for and are connecting with your husband.

You are simply paving the way for change by starting with the easiest tasks first.

Of course, as you are able, you will need to methodically make the changes that will improve your marriage. But do this very gradually. Back up when things get tense and then move forward as they improve.

This method feeds off positive progress rather than negative threats. As a result, most husbands are much more likely to cooperate.

I think that you can undo the damage of trying to scare your husband. After that, you’ll want to regroup and come at this with more positivity. I understand exactly how desperation makes you try the negative play. But I also know that it can destroy marriages.  It almost destroyed mine.  You can read about how I turned this around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: You don’t often read about a spouse’s job as being a common cause of marital issues, separation, or divorce. But I’d argue that it is an extremely common complaint from couples whose marriage is trouble. Sure, it may not rank as high as money issues or infidelity. But I hear from many wives in particular who say that their husband’s workaholism is destroying their marriage.

I might hear a comment like this one, “my husband is an unapologetic workaholic. He loves to complain about how stressful his job is. But the truth is, I believe there’s nowhere he’d rather be than his office with his employees. How do I know this? Because he spends at least twice as much time there than he does at home. And when he fit his family into his busy schedule, he’s not really here even if he is with us. He’ll constantly answer emails or take phone calls. He’s often distracted or in a horrible mood because he takes his work issues home with him. Sometimes I think our kids don’t even look forward to him coming home from work, because not only does he not pay attention to them, he’s short-tempered. Sometimes it feels like his job is the most persuasive thing in all our lives. It takes up the most time, and we all have to tap dance around it. We fight about it all the time. Things got so bad last week that he talked about moving out. It’s destroying our marriage, but it’s not like I can demand that he leave his job. He would refuse anyway, and we all depend upon his salary. Am I being overly dramatic? His workaholic ways mean that he never makes me, our kids, or our marriage a priority, and I feel that our family is in real trouble because of it.”

The Various Ways That Over-Work Can Negatively Affect Your Marriage, Your Family, And You Individually: I do not think you are overreacting at all. I believe that there are several important ways that a work/life imbalance can damage a marriage, and I’m going to list just a few of them to stress how important it is that you address this issue.

When your spouse puts most of his emotional energy toward his job, that leaves too little left for him to spend toward you and his children. He’ll be too tired, too late, or too preoccupied to show up for the events and actions that are so vital for a healthy family and marriage. He’ll also get into the habit of putting other things before what should be the most important people in his life. He may have little time and energy to socialize and build important community connections. This dynamic can lead to diminishing intimacy and empathy, both of which are vital for a lasting, happy marriage. Without these things, you may notice that you’re frequently arguing with, avoiding, or resenting your spouse – all of which are extremely problematic because they further feed into an already problematic cycle.

I don’t paint this bleak picture for any other reason than to stress how important it is to address a serious work/life imbalance as soon as you notice it. If you do nothing, you may quickly have a very large, marriage-threatening problem on your hands.

Understand That He May See His Over-Work As A Necessary Evil For The Sake Of His Family. It May Be One Way That He Shows Love: Many husbands in this situation firmly believe that they are doing the best thing for their family by working so hard. To them, being a good provider is one of the most effective ways to show love for their wife and kids.

They don’t necessarily understand that cash and / or assets do not provide intimacy and the emotional connection that most wives crave. No, we want time, care, and attention. We want one-on-one interaction, which runs counter to him working so much.

Most husbands do not understand this irony, though. They think that they ARE showing their love by trying to advance in their career to ensure their family’s financial security.

How To Avoid Alienating Your Spouse When He’s A Workaholism Is Hurting Your Marriage: The most common (and understandable) reaction that many of us have is to attempt to bring our spouse’s attention to his overwork by complaining about it as loudly and as often as possible. This is probably the least effective strategy. Because most busy husbands will tune you out or become defensive. He’ll convince himself that you’re only compounding his stress with your complaints, so he doesn’t have the time to listen to your misplaced gripes anyway. This can become a vicious cycle where you’re lonely since he’s working all of the time, so you complain in an attempt to get more of his time. He’s annoyed at the complaints, so he tunes out your message and actually offers less of his time. So your complaints get louder and more insistent, which only reinforces his staying away.

Instead, try to see this in a way that allows you to gently ask for what you want, and then offer solutions that will appeal to both of you.

Striking A Compromise: It’s very important to validate your husband’s financial commitment to his family, while at the same time gently letting him know that you, your marriage, and your family need a little more.

But don’t approach him when he comes home from work dead tired or stressed out. Wait until you are both in a decent mood, and try something like, “it’s so rare lately that we are at the same place at the same time. I miss having one-on-one time with you. Would you be able to take a couple of hours this week to go out – just the two of us?”

At first, he may balk or tell you that he is busy. But keep trying. Some wives have to surprise their husbands with a night out to get him to go along guilt-free.

Once you do get some time together, keep things very light and playful. Your goal is to make your husband see that being with YOU can be his escape. He doesn’t always need to escape with his work. With regular, scheduled time together, he can learn that there is an escape in his marriage and his family.

Make Sure You Offer Positive Reinforcement When He Complies: When your husband gives you more of his time and emotional energy, praise him. Tell him how good it makes you feel to have his time and attention. Tell him how much you miss him. This will make him WANT to give you more of his time. This will make him realize that he can give you what you need in ways that have nothing to do with money.

At the same time, realize that he still likely equates your financial security with his love and responsibility. So in those cases when he just can’t get away, find ways to entertain yourself and know there are phases in marriages. There are times in every marriage where there are hectic patches, even though both people love one another very much.

My husband is certainly my go-to person to do things with. But sometimes, he just can’t be available. During those times, I’ve learned that I can find someone else or I can entertain myself. Doing so means that I’m not as resentful when my husband is available, and we can enjoy the time that we do have together.

Hang in there. I hope this article has shown you that it is important to take action, but how you take the action can make all of the difference.  Ignoring my own marital issues didn’t mean they went away.  Instead, it meant we separated.  We eventually reconciled, but not before many close calls and hurtful mistakes. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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