Five Common Contributing Factors That Lead Or Contribute to Divorce That You Can Address And Overcome Right Now

By: Leslie Cane: Although actual divorce rates have been fluctuating this year due to COVID and the economy, it’s no secret that marital satisfaction is on the decline for many. Although not all couples are actually filing for divorce right now, many of them are thinking about it and are just waiting for a better time. Close quarters and too much time together can make problems that were already festering feel much more immediate. Some wives have reached out because they worry about a divorce in the coming weeks or months. Many of them assume that COVID is their biggest issue. But honestly, for many, 2020 has just created the environment that made existing problems worse. 

In this article, I’m going to list timely common causes of divorce over which you still have some control. There are many issues such as divorced parents, infidelity, or marrying young that you cannot control. I’m going to focus on issues that you can address today. The hope is that if you recognize any of these in your own marriage, you will take some immediate action. 

Reoccurring Conflict With No Effective Resolution: I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that the main form of communication in their marriage right now is fighting. Often, the same explosive issue just keeps reoccurring in the marriage over and over again. But what is worse is the couple can’t seem to effectively navigate it. Having a troubling issue crop up in your marriage could actually be healthy if you could work together and compromise to overcome it. But many times, it divides you because you cannot meet in the middle to work around it. A therapist once told me that she can tell which couples are most likely to divorce by the way that they fight in front of her. She said the ones who made fights personal rather than productive were at the highest risk. If you fight in this way, make it your immediate goal to change this. Come at it with a spirit of compromise. Always allow your spouse to maintain his dignity during an argument. 

Waning Intimacy / Empathy Or A Straight Up Lack Of It: Couples who feel empathetic and intimate toward one another tend to easily navigate problems that might derail less intimate marriages. When you feel tenderness and protectiveness toward your spouse, you are less likely to want to hurt them or have either of you living in a less than ideal situation. I often encourage wives in this situation to focus on re-establishing at least some empathy and intimacy before you even worry about tackling huge problems. It is that important. When you see your spouse as someone with valid, vulnerable feelings and important perceptions, you are more likely to approach any issues with respect, which substantially increases your odds of success.

Too Many Differences Where It Counts The Most: I’ve often written about how I think a marriage amongst opposites can work. And I do stand by that. My husband and I are quite different. However, it is very important that you and your spouse share common values and goals. For example, I believe that different personalities and points of view can thrive alongside one another as long as they agree that they will prioritize family life and mutual affection and respect. You can dislike a point of view that your spouse holds without disliking your spouse. You can disagree with your spouse’s opinion without finding your spouse disagreeable. But many couples get to a point where there is no longer a distinction between the two. It is so important to be able to separate your spouse from his or her beliefs and/or personality. 

Conflicts About The Security And Power That Money Represents: Everyone knows that money is one of the most common causes of divorce. There’s no denying that statistics show us that lower-income couples are more likely to divorce than wealthier couples. When people struggle to have their most basic needs met, it creates stress. And stress taxes a marriage. But I would argue that the power and security that are tied to money are actually a bigger factor than the money itself. Since couples often pool their financial resources, they must agree on how to spend, manage, and save it. Very few people are going to completely agree since very few people have the same feelings about money. But I’d argue that like every risk factor on this list, empathy and effective conflict resolution can go a long way toward having this be an issue that strengthens you rather than divides you. I know people who technically do not have a lot of financial assets, but who also have few financial worries because they are clear about how they will manage their money together. It’s not always about how much money you have, but rather about how you manage and value what you do have.

Differing Levels Of Commitment And Effort: There are rare couples who don’t have to worry about anything that I’ve written because they put their marriage above every other issue. For them, it doesn’t matter if they have stressors or money issues because they are very clear that NOTHING is going to come between themselves and their spouse. They are committed to their marriage first and everything else comes in a distant second place.

Likewise, some people routinely put 100% effort into their marriage. They leave notes for their spouse. They bring the coffee first thing in the morning. They plan romantic surprises. They prioritize their spouse’s happiness as high as their own. Many do this after many years of marriage. 

Unfortunately, this level of commitment and effort is increasingly rare. And, it’s even rarer for BOTH parties to share the same level of commitment. Quite often, there is one spouse who is very motivated to hold on while the other is leaning toward ending the marriage.  

I am not claiming that both spouses have to be fully committed to avoiding a divorce. I was 150% on board with saving my marriage while my husband wasn’t all that interested. For a while, it was my commitment that allowed us to tread water. Eventually, my husband did jump on board.

Anything that you can do to encourage commitment and effort will pay dividends later, even if it is only finding common ground in a few areas right now.

I hope this article has shown you that while some divorce risk factors are outside of your control, there are several that you CAN control. In fact, you can start right now. One of the biggest mistakes I made was just hoping my marriage would miraculously turn itself around. It didn’t.  And we ended up separated.  Eventually, I was able to remove some of these obstacles on my own.  And when my husband saw progress, he eventually got on board.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Can I Make My Separated Husband Attracted To Me? Here’s Some Suggestions That Might Help

By: Leslie Cane: I suspect that virtually no one reading this article is completely fine with being separated or potentially divorced. Instead, many readers are dealing with immediate marital issues, are newly separated, or fear a divorce. Most of them desperately want to save their marriages, but they have their doubts as to whether this is possible – since many have a husband who just doesn’t seem interested. In response, many of these wives want to figure out a way to appear more attractive to their husbands in the hopes of luring him back.

They might describe a situation like this one, “Although we aren’t officially separated, my husband has been staying at a small apartment at his office rather than coming home after work. He feels that we ‘just need a break from one another,’ and it is clear that he is just not interested in being happily married to me anymore. He looks through me, not at me. I could parade in front of him naked, and he would very likely have no response whatsoever. I actually went and got a makeover last week. I think that I look pretty good, but I know that it is not going to matter to him. It’s like I’m invisible. Is there any way that I can appear attractive to this husband of mine, who is probably technically almost separated from me?” 

I believe that what you want to accomplish is possible if you are willing to engage in a bit of deliberate behavior. I’ll explain below. 

Know What Doesn’t Work: Coming Off As Desperate Or Manipulative Will Never Be Attractive, No Matter How You Look When Doing It:  Before I tell you what I believe can work, I want to stress what I’ve learned absolutely does not work. I know this because of my own experiences during my own separation. And I don’t think my husband could have seen me as less attractive as when I was trying to guilt, manipulate, or shame him. I could have looked like Cindy Crawford, and he wouldn’t have found me attractive at that time.  

Believe me, I understand the desperation you feel when you know that you need to do something – anything – and soon- or your marriage may be over. So you are tempted to try to overcompensate with sweetness or acts of seduction. Some will actually try to pick a fight to get any reaction at all. It gets old to continuously be ignored. I understand why this is tempting. But usually, this type of desperation will often cause you to act in ways that actually hurt your chances rather than help. 

Why are these strategies doomed to fail? Because they make your husband feel negative emotions, whether that is frustration, pity, guilt, or avoidance. 

I know that you want interaction at all costs, but sometimes, this will backfire. Sometimes, your desperate attempts make him believe that he must separate from or move away from you to get any peace. Do not make this mistake. If he’s already seeking distance, you must offer it to him, with the idea that you’re going to let him come to you. Then, you must trust that with a workable strategy, he will. 

The Push And Pull You Must Put Into Balance: Sometimes when this all begins to sink in, wives begin to see where they’ve gone wrong. They realize that they’ve come on too strong or pushed too hard. So they’ll be tempted to take the opposite approach and believe that they should play coy, pretend not to care, or attempt to incite jealousy. Actually, this strategy can also be damaging. Many husbands will see through this and will therefore avoid your attempts at manipulation. So you’ll again be met with a husband who is backing away and is disinterested.  

What I’m asking you to do instead is to strike what at times will feel like a tricky balance. You should be clear and truthful about the fact that you still value and want your marriage while at the same time owning that you are confident in what you’ve already proven you have to offer. You should portray that despite these difficult circumstances, you know you’ll be okay. But you WANT to be okay with your husband by your side. 

A woman who has this sort of quiet confidence doesn’t play games with her husband, try to make him jealous or feel guilty, or want to elicit pity. 

Instead, she gets on with the business of her life because she respects herself enough to still want to salvage it. This is the type of busy woman who will make a husband curious and hopefully, intrigued. 

Elevation Is Attractive: If he thinks that you are agreeable and staying busy because you are using this time for yourself and your own betterment, what is the harm? If you actually can find moments of grace, where you’re able to see friends, learn something new, and elevate yourself, even better. 

Your husband is likely to see this as attractive because, well, it is. You’re evolving. You’re growing. You’re improving yourself because you are VALUABLE. You MATTER. Yes, you’d rather do all of these new things with him. But since you can’t (at least right now) you’re not going to sit at home and rot. 

Leaning Into What Has Already Worked: Deep down, you know what your husband loves about you and finds most attractive. You’ve had this knowledge all along. It’s hard to be that woman right now because you’re hurting. It’s hard to be full of hope and life because you feel a pause. But you must find a way to bring her back because she is a big key to your success. Try very hard to display the woman you know as your best self when you interact with your husband. You want him to have an aching sense of deja vu. Think about it this way. You’re not being asked to be anything that you aren’t, not deep down. So you can do it.  

Do not let your light dim. Your husband used to be drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Cultivate it again. He saw it when no one else did. He may even be looking for it now, even if he doesn’t know it. And I’m not necessarily talking about your appearance – although you should try to look your best. I’m talking about the essence of you that no other woman has. That essence is lit up when you are your husband are connecting. But you can spark the flame on your own if you have to. 

 This is what will eventually attract him. It’s not that he feels guilt or sorrow. It’s not that you’re playing games with him. It’s that you’re calling forward the light that you’ve lost somewhere along the way, and you’ve put it on full display. You’re not leading with your problems and issues. You’re not nagging and droning on. You’re showcasing the qualities that he’s likely been missing for a very long time, and you’re drawing on the shared experiences that drew you together in the first place. 

Break this down into the simplest of steps. When you get a chance, display the qualities you know that he most misses. Share positive common experiences and gradually build a new foundation. Eventually, he will hopefully begin to reach out and want to spend a little more time together. And that is where your opportunity lies. Take it. 

I’m telling you to do this because I wish I had.  Yes, I eventually got with the program, and I eventually DID save my marriage.  But I wasted a lot of time, and experienced much unnecessary pain.  I’d like you to avoid that.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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I Think My Husband Could Care Less About Me. Is There Any Hope For Us?

by: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who describe very cold living conditions because of their marriage. They’ll often admit that their husbands treat them with almost complete indifference. This is even worse than living like roommates because at least most roommates regularly communicate with one another and sometimes even exchange pleasantries. But these wives don’t even get that of back and forth.

Many of these wives have tried various strategies to address the problem. They’ve brought the issue to their husband’s attention, only to have him deny that anything is wrong or to claim that the wife is being overly dramatic. Some have tried to initiate better communications, only to be rebuffed or ignored. Despite this painful situation, most of these wives want to save their marriages, but they aren’t sure if this is even remotely possible. 

One of them might say, “My husband seems to care less about my happiness, or even my existence. Yes, we live together. And we are even still married, but he gives near-strangers more attention and consideration than he gives me. He isn’t abusive or anything like that, but his neglect feels like its own form of cruelty. He acts as though I’m not even worth any effort. He’ll respond when I speak to him, and he’s not horribly rude or anything. But he makes it very clear that he doesn’t care what I do, who I’m with, or what I’m experiencing. He doesn’t care that I’m unhappy and frightened about the future. He just doesn’t want to be bothered by me. Is there any way out of this? Can anyone save their marriage in this type of situation?”

I believe that anything is possible, but you’d need to work on communication and kindness before you could address your marriage. It’s very challenging to transform your marriage if you’re not communicating effectively. Here’s how to start: 

Identify Any Underlying Resentments Are Negative Emotions That Contribute To His Lack Of Care:  Many of these wives are very troubled by their husbands’ extreme distance and lack of care. These wives are certain that if they were dealing with a stressor like illness, job loss, or trauma, their husband wouldn’t even think of helping. Many of the husbands give off the impression that it doesn’t matter to him if his wife is present or not. Worse, the husbands show no emotional investment at all. They don’t seem to care about their wives’ happiness or well-being. And being asked to pretend to do seems to annoy them. This leaves the wives worried that getting him to care again is just too much to ask. 

This is admittedly a hard road. But fixing it is possible if you can identify where all of this indifference is coming from. Sometimes, people will back away emotionally and turn off their feelings if they feel resentment or if they perceive that they’ve been slighted in some way. 

Much of the time, wives are completely in the dark about what they might have done to justify the husband’s indifference. These husbands won’t share their struggles or experiences, so the wife is left to guess what the issue might be.  

I think it is worth it to aggressively address the elephant in the room and straight-up ask him to identify the real issue – bluntly if necessary. Yes, he may put you off, or deny that anything is wrong, but keep trying. And try when things are calm. Try when you can keep the accusations and desperation out of your tone. Be matter-of-fact and state that his indifference to you has become very noticeable and you want to understand how to address this.

Do not use “me,” when you begin. Don’t tell him how you feel or how this affects you. Instead, put the focus on him. Why? Because this makes it more likely for you to get the response that you need. 

Try something like, “I notice that you seem a bit indifferent and unhappy lately. Is there anything that I can do to make things better? Is there anything that I have done to cause this?”

He may scoff or even respond with sarcasm, but even these frustrating responses can still give you some information. And at least you’ll know you’ve made a start at opening the door to more. 

As Challenging As It May Be, Treat Your Husband In The Way You Want To Be Treated To Build His Empathy:   Please don’t stop reading because of this suggestion. I know that I am asking a good deal of you. Giving your husband the kindness and acknowledgment that you so badly want seems backward. But I promise you that I’ve seen this strategy work many more times than not. 

The premise of this plan is that you’re demonstrating the behavior that you yourself want. If your goal is for your husband to show you more caring and affection, then make sure you’re generous with your affection toward him. Pay attention when he talks. Ask open-ended questions. Show your concern every chance you get. Invest heavily in his well-being.

I understand that this can feel very lopsided. It can feel almost non-genuine.  

This can feel unfair or wrong at first, but often, your sincere attempt to treat them how you want them to treat you will melt their hard exterior. It is easier to feel empathetic to someone who is repeatedly trying to help you and treat you will kindness. And when he begins to feel empathy toward you, he will treat you more kindly. Admittedly, this can be a gradual process, but it’s better than pouting, reacting in anger, or debating with someone who won’t engage anyway.

Granted, you may have to try this for a while before you make significant progress because sometimes, your spouse is determined to remain combative. However, as it becomes clear that you’re going to move forward with positivity and empathy, he will often begin to waver some. His resistance will wear away. As he feels more understanding from you, he will naturally release the grip on his nastiness. 

Often, when you invest heavily in our spouse, he will eventually invest in kind. When you show him that you are very interested in his experiences and feelings, he may well eventually return the favor. Granted, it may take a while to chip into his hard armor, but if you are patient and steadfast, it can be done. 

Remember The Best Of Him: Much of the time, you are dealing with a husband who wasn’t always this way. Many wives recount a husband who was extremely sweet and attentive during their courtship and early marriage. But somewhere along the line, something changed. The key to turning this around often hinges on figuring out what changed and then addressing that thing until it is fixed. Once it is, he will often feel more loving toward you and more invested in your happiness, just as you are in his. 

My own husband had become extremely indifferent to me and withdrew from me and our marriage. Thankfully, I am very stubborn and I didn’t let this stop me. I continued to methodically chip away, even though he showed no interest and we eventually separated. By eventually finding the right strategy singlehandedly, I was eventually able to save our marriage, so it was worth it in the end – even if I mostly did it alone. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Will My Husband Regret Leaving Me? What Can I Do To Make Sure That He Does?

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to come up with a strategy to get their husbands to come home after leaving.  One of the common strategies that I’m asked about is trying to make your husband feel regret or guilt about leaving.   I recently heard from a wife whose husband had left the previous week.  He didn’t leave abruptly.  He had been telling her for weeks that he was going to go.  And, he wasn’t sure how long he would be gone or if he was coming back.  But he reassured the wife that he would check in with her, would not abandon her and their child, and  would not act in a way that would not be appropriate.

None of these things reassured the wife very much.  She was already tired of the process and she wanted him home as soon as possible.  She did not want him away from their home for one more day.  So, she felt that the best way to get him home was to make him regret leaving her in the first place.  She said in part: “how do I know if my husband will regret leaving me?  And how can I make sure that he does?  Should I date other people?  So I try to make him feel guilty? Should I make sure that he knows how much my son misses his father?”

These were some very difficult questions.  And although I completely understood the wife’s thought process (as I had to save my own marriage when my husband left me,)  I didn’t think that trying to elicit more negative feelings was going to help or to make her husband come home more quickly.  I’ll tell you why in the following article. And I’ll also tell you what I think is a better strategy.

Many Men Do Feel Regret For Leaving Their Wives.  But They Are More Likely To Do So When Their Wife Brings About Positive Feelings (Rather Than Trying To Force Negative Feelings Like Regret:)  I hear from a good deal of men in this situation on my blog. I have to tell you that those who do feel regret often do so when they experienced positive feelings of longing toward their wives.  And when they recounted how or why this happened, very few will mention emotions like jealousy or guilt.  Instead, they remember realizing that they missed their wife’s sweet smile or her mischievous laugh.  They’ll tell you that they missed feeling connected to her.  They very rarely mention being motivated by negative emotions like guilt or pity, which leads me to my next point.

Ask Yourself What You Really Want.  And Then Examine If Eliciting Regret Is Going To Accomplish Anything: I always advise women to ask themselves what they really want before they come up with any strategy.  Because often, the things that we do are truly are in direct contrast to what we really want.  In this case, what the wife really wanted was for her husband to come home.  She hoped that making him regret leaving her was going to achieve this result.  But frankly, focusing on negative emotions like guilt (as she had planned) generally do not achieve this result as well as you had hoped.

First of all, it can be difficult to “make” your husband regret something which he himself decided upon.  And second, what good is regret in this situation anyway?  It’s not really an emotion that is conducive to healing or moving forward.  Because getting him to come home is only step one.  Step two is improving the relationship enough that he wants to stay home.  One way to do this is to avoid adding yet more negative equations to the mix.  You want to create a healthier relationship instead of one that is loaded down with regret and guilt (on top of the struggles that you are likely already facing.)

Instead Of Trying To Make Him Regret Leaving You, Try To Encourage Him To Want To Come Home By Using Positive Reinforcements: So at this point, the wife’s plan consisted of using her son as sort of bait to lure her husband home and making him jealous by going out with other men that she honestly wasn’t the least bit interested in.  Although I understood her motivation, I felt that using these sorts of strategies wasn’t the best call.  They showed her husband a manipulative spouse whose actions potentially brought about pain and confusion.  There was a real risk that using this strategy was going to make her husband associate the pain or guilt with her and the marriage. And, her husband might have resented her strategy.

The thing is, people are more likely to do what you want for them to do when you show them some empathy, understanding and respect.  But the wife’s strategy didn’t encompass any of these things.  So I suggested that rather than placing her focus on trying to get him to regret leaving her, she instead focus on making it so enticing for him to come home that she didn’t need to focus on sorrow or regret.

So how would the wife go about doing this?  Well, she could focus on what was positive and binding rather than on what was dividing them.   When she saw or interacted with her husband, I encouraged her to be cheerful rather than resentful.  I encouraged her to try to enjoy the visits rather than worrying about making things appear in any particular way in the hopes that her husband would feel regret.  It’s better to allow for positive things to happen naturally rather than to force negative things in the hope that it gets you positive results.

I encouraged her to use the sense of humor that he admitted her husband loved.  I challenged her to see if you could laugh even when she felt tense or unsure.  I knew that the wife was tired of being alone and that she really wanted to do something to get her husband to come back home. But trying to force or trick him into regret probably wasn’t the best way to go.  It’s my experience that acting with integrity while focusing on the positive will often get you what you want.  And frankly, when you encourage your husband to remember the good qualities that he misses about you and wants to experience more of, then he may well regret leaving you and want to come home.  But when he does, he will be filled with hope rather than guilt or doubt.

I do understand this wife’s motivation because, for a long time, I focused on negative emotions when I was trying to get my own husband back.  This backfired on me in a big way.  It wasn’t until I learned to conduct myself in an entirely different way that I had success and was able to get him back home.  If it helps, you can read more about that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Should I Let My Husband Go When He’s Telling Me He Wants Out?

By: Leslie Cane: Whether to let your unhappy husband go is very much a frequently asked question. I find that honestly, the real, underlying questions being asked are actually quite different. Most wives who ask don’t want to let their husbands go. So what they are really asking are questions like: “Can one person save a marriage?” or “Is there any reality where I can change my husband’s mind and save the marriage?” These wives want to know if there is any foreseeable path to turn things around. I believe that the answer to all of these questions is yes. I’ve done this in my own life and in my own marriage. It was not easy, but it certainly was not impossible either. 

However, I concede that every situation is different. The feasibility of flipping the script depends on the reasons the husband wants out, how long the marriage has been struggling, and how willing both parties are to eventually come to the table. That said, it’s entirely possible to make progress when you’re the only one trying, especially at first. But you’ll need some deliberate patience and the ability to accept a series of baby steps that eventually mean large gains. You’ll also need to gradually address the problems that landed you here in the first place. But I usually suggest waiting on this until your marriage is more stable again. 

Getting A Firm Grip On Why Husbands “Want Out”:   It’s very common to hear wives voice their frustration about their husbands’ vague reasons for wanting out. Sometimes, it’s not the huge, obvious reasons like infidelity, an overwhelming fight, or an insurmountable crisis that is burying your marriage. Instead, your husband is giving you wishy-washy reasons like “not being happy,” or “falling out of love.”

Even worse, he’ll often send hurtful mixed signals, like holding you one minute and completely shutting you out the next. So, it can be a challenge to get an accurate read on this evolving situation. 

From my own experience and from dealing with others who’ve dealt with this, I’ve come to believe that husbands typically want out because, for whatever reason, their feelings change. And as their feelings evolve, their level of commitment begins to lessen as a result. Once the commitment, begins to slide, you’re dealing with a different (and more difficult) battle. So it’s important to address issues as quickly as you can. 

Understanding How Maturation Can Change A Husband’s Perceptions: I also want to add that these changing feelings are not necessarily your fault, but are instead a reflection of the maturation of your relationship. Remember when you were first falling in love? You probably played very close attention to one another, and this hyper-focus reinforced your very positive feelings. Both of you felt attractive, intelligent, interesting, and worthy. And you returned those feelings right back into the relationship so that you had a positive cycle continuously going. 

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, we all have to redistribute our energies, time, and attention because of increased responsibilities. Now we have jobs, children, aging parents, AND our marriage. There is only so much attention that one person can give. Although it’s natural to make the mistake of assuming that our husband knows how much we love him and knows that we’d give more time and attention if we could, he may not always think quite this way.

He may well know that our intentions are admirable and pure. But he may still wish the situation was very different. And he may harbor some resentment as a result. Deep down, many husbands still need very regular validation, love, and appreciation. When they don’t see this happening at the time (even for legitimate reasons,) they can be bitterly disappointed. Very often, his “wanting out” is his losing hope that you’ll be able to generate the feelings he used to have about himself, about you, and about the marriage. Your job is to show (and not tell) him that these feelings CAN come back. 

Returning At Least Some Of The Feelings Can Often Help You Save Your Marriage:   The obvious play is to attempt to return the original feelings, like when you were dating. I know that this is a tall order. And it is unrealistic to think that you can completely turn back the clock. But with a good deal of effort, you can often make significant strides. However, you want to be careful that you don’t swing so high for the fences that your husband thinks you are playing insincere games. You want to portray yourself as absolutely sincere and genuine. Show him the loving, intriguing, interested woman he first met – even if she’s a bit busier today. Because she was (and likely still is) you.

I know that this is all ambitious when your heart is broken, and you feel rejected. I know that you might feel as if you’re giving more than you get. But don’t give in to fear and desperation. Always turn toward positivity. I have found that this rarely lets me down (and it ultimately made the difference in my reconciliation.)  I realize that what I’m asking takes discipline and hard work. But you have to play the long game to return the original feelings in a way that will feel genuine and authentic (because it is.) 

So When Do You Get To The Point Where You Should Let Him Go?: I am biased. And I’m always going to gravitate toward trying to salvage a marriage and a family, but I feel that it’s rarely too late as long as you are willing and patient. That said, if your marriage is very damaged or your husband is very reluctant, then you’ll likely have to move quite gradually. 

Don’t Misinterpret His Negativity For Impossibility: Many people have their doubts about these methods, and I understand the hesitation. No one wants to get their hopes up, only to have them dashed. People often tell me, “It’s like he hates me. He won’t even listen to me because of his anger at me.” I get why this seems daunting, but sometimes, strong feelings are actually good news. If your husband had zero skin still left in the marital game, he wouldn’t have any reaction at all. Not anger. Not hate. Not frustration. Yes, you are seeing negative emotions. But at least you are seeing something. Indifference is far worse of a sign.  

You’re not yet seeing that. And you are still invested. These are good indications that you are not yet ready to let him go. But of course, the choice has to be yours. 

My husband said he hated me a couple of times when he wanted out of our marriage. Thank goodness I didn’t let that stop me. I kept right on working on the marriage (by myself, since he wasn’t interested at first.) Eventually, I was able to finally save the marriage. So, it was very much worth the effort. You can read about how I pretty much refused to let go on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Signs Your Husband Wants To Leave

By: Leslie Cane: Wives are often relieved that their husband is still home with them, but they are afraid that he is eventually going to want to leave. Often, he’s only dropping little hints or you’re noticing that his heart just no longer seems to be with you or the marriage. Sometimes, you will go so far as to ask him if he wants to or is going to leave you but you can’t get a straight answer.

A wife might say, in part: “our marriage has really changed over the past eight months. It’s pretty obvious that my husband isn’t as happy or as committed to me as he once was. And although he says he wouldn’t leave me because of our kids, sometimes he doesn’t come home until late or he doesn’t come home at all. Sometimes, I think that he’s settling up his affairs so that he can leave me. I suspect that he might be looking for a new place to live. I heard him talking to his dad the other night. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I can’t help but think maybe he was telling his dad about our marriage. I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to leave me. Are there any signs to look for the tell me that I’m right?”

There are some universal signs that you will sometimes see when a man is thinking about leaving his marriage or his wife. But men are individuals just like everyone else, so the signs that you see may vary depending on your husband’s personality. None the less, in the following article, I’ll offer you some of the more common signs you might see if your husband wants to, is thinking about or planning to leave you.

He Seems To Be Wanting To Get His Single Life In Order: Many wives can help but notice that their husband may be thinking about or buying major purchases in his name only. Or, in the alternative, he may be reluctant to make major or long-term joint purchases because he just isn’t sure if he’s going to be married to you for that much longer. I’ve also had wives tell me that they’ve found apartment information or realtor cards because their husband had been looking for a place to live. One wife said the bank called their home about his application for a loan, which the wife knew absolutely nothing about. In short, if you notice your husband making decisions or exploring new horizons without including or consulting you, then you might suspect that he’s asserting his independence from you or the marriage, or at least trying it on for size.

He’s Reluctant To Commit To Life Time Decisions Like Having Another Child, Changing Jobs, Or Upgrading Homes: If a man is wanting to leave or thinking about leaving you (or isn’t sure if you’re going to be married a few months or a few years from now,) you may notice that he’s reluctant to make any large commitments like having children (or having additional children if you are already parents,) moving, making career decisions, or making large or lasting purchases. Of course, even men who are committed to their marriage can have doubts about making large commitments or life changes, but if you are seeing this reluctance combined with an ambivalence about your marriage or a coldness or distance, then take notice.

He’s Dropping Hints That Maybe You Should Take A Break From One Another Or The Marriage: There are some men who leave their wives and their marriage out of the clear blue, without a lot of warning. But I find that these men are in the minority. Most of the time, there are little warning signs along the way that many wives can’t help but notice. Often, the husband will ask rhetorical questions – like whether or not the marriage is what you thought it would be or if you think it might be beneficial to take a break or separation. Some husbands will go so far as to actually mention or hint about leaving just to see what your reaction will be or to see if you will make things easier for them by either suggesting it yourself or at least offering your acceptance of a separation or break.

(And I do think that it can be better to offer him a break or some space while he still lives at home instead of allowing him to actually move out or leave your home because at least this way you don’t have to worry about luring him back.)

In short, there’s usually not one specific thing that tells you he’s thinking about leaving or wanting to leave (unless he tells you himself very directly.) Instead, it’s usually a combination of several things combined with that little feeling you get when you know that something just isn’t right because you suspect that your husband isn’t happy with you, the marriage, and your home and is thinking about leaving all three.

I used to think that my husband left me without any warning. But looking back now, there were clues along the way. If I had acted instead of thinking everything was fine, it might have been easier to save our marriage. I was eventually able to salvage my marriage, but it took a lot of work and strategy. It would have been easier had I been paying attention all along. If it helps, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How To Make Your Marriage Good Again When Your Husband Says He’s Not Happy Anymore?

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are trying to return their marriage back to a good place after their husband has been hinting or saying directly that he’s just not happy anymore. The wife often doesn’t know where or how to begin but she knows that she has to do something soon before her marriage reaches the point of no return.

I recently heard from a wife who said “my husband sat me down a few days ago and told me that he wasn’t happy anymore. He says that we’re no longer the same people and we no longer have the same marriage. He says he remembers when we used to rush home to each other because we couldn’t stand to be apart, but now all we worry about is our kids and our jobs. He says our physical relationship has gone cold and he isn’t as physically attracted to me as he used to be. I asked what I can do to make him happy again and he said he doesn’t know if it’s even possible. He says its impossible to turn back the clock and make us happy again like we were before. I don’t want to believe this. We are the two same people we always were. Yes, we have more stress in our lives now, but I still love him and want my marriage. So how can I make things good between us again when he’s telling me that it may not even be possible?”

There are admittedly many issues at play here but I’m living proof that it’s certainly possible to make your marriage good again when it’s at its lowest point. But it’s often not without a lot of work and concentrated effort while ignoring the things that don’t matter as much as you might think. I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Expect For Things To Become Genuinely Good Again Over Night (Unless You Want For Things To Feel Forced.) Rebuilding Your Marriage Takes Time: One of the biggest mistakes that I see in these types of situations is that wives will panic and try to overcompensate. Of course, they don’t want to lose their husband or their marriage. So they feel as if they have to fix it right away, almost seemingly overnight.

The problem, of course, is that your marriage didn’t deteriorate overnight so it’s probably not going to be fixed overnight either. The stressors that this couple was now having to deal with had whittled away at their closeness and chemistry. These things can return with a little care and determination. But you need to have patience. Because if you push too hard, you run the risk of things feeling alienated and awkward. Understand that you will have the most success if you begin small and build from there.

Start Where You Already Are: Even the worst marriage or the most unhappy husbands have bright spots somewhere. Maybe it is your children or the fact that you can still laugh together or remember your inside jokes. Maybe there’s still a spark of attraction or chemistry. Whatever it is that is still there, try very hard to focus on the good rather than the bad. Many couples will try to get the good back by focusing on the bad, which is completely backward.

What I mean by that is that people feel as if they need to solve their problems before they can be happy again. Often, what they do not realize is that if they can be happy again first, then their marital problems will be much easier to solve. So instead of focusing on all of your problems, focus on all that is right and rebuild from the bottom up rather than the opposite.

Understand That You Need To Make The Process Pleasurable Rather Than Painful: When your marriage is in jeopardy, it can feel as if you need to get down to immediate and serious business. And frankly, they don’t anticipate having a whole lot of fun. That is really the wrong approach in my experience. Making your marriage good again is challenging enough without feeling defeated before you even begin. Try to have the best, most fun-loving attitude that you possibly can.

You want for this to be enjoyable. You want to rediscover your spouse and have fun doing it. Show your husband that funny, playful, and vibrant woman he fell in love with. Yes, you are a mom. Yes, you have a stressful job. But you are a wife too and it’s important to show him you still remember and value that. Flirt with him. Listen to him. Appreciate him. Be physical with him. Slowly, as you begin to be very conscious of these things, you may be surprised to see that things are beginning to be good again and, as the result, he’s starting to become happier in the marriage as well.

In my own marriage, it was my own husband who wasn’t happy. As I alluded to, I tried to make things good again by focusing on solving all of our problems and not only did this not work, it made things worse. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I managed to save my marriage after making many mistakes on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Is The Success Rate Of Trial Separations? What Percentage Reconcile? How Can I Improve My Odds?

By: Leslie Cane: Some of the more commonly searched terms on this site have to do with the percentage of trial separations that succeed. This makes sense because most readers who come to this site want to save their marriages. And many of them are facing (or are already going through) a separation or break. They want to know how big (or small) their chance of success truly is.

They want to know whether it’s silly to even get their hopes up. They want to know if they are setting themselves up for heartbreak if they continue to invest their heart and their time into a marriage that is struggling.

As much as separated wives are dealing with their hearts, many of them are also realists. They want to know what they are up against. I understand this because I researched these statistics too during my own separation. I will share these statistics with you. But first, I want to talk about the questions you should ask yourself before you worry about the statistics. I know first hand that where you place your focus greatly influences your outcome.

Ask Yourself: Have I Identified And Addressed The Issues Most Likely To Make My Marriage A Statistic?: Before you start thinking about your trial separation failing, have you asked yourself if you struggle with the most common issues that lead a couple to divorce? When I ask this question, people will often respond with, “Well, money isn’t our main issue and that is the most common cause of divorce.”

You might be surprised that money is only one common cause of divorce. There are many others. And money is not always at the top of the list. It is worth taking a look at the top five issues and asking yourself which of these is applicable.  Then methodically address them as soon as you can. I see tons of couples just sort of drift through their separation with no real plan or aggressive strategy to tackle the issues most likely to lead to a permanent divorce. When you don’t remove the obstacles that stand between you and a reconciliation, then you are more likely to have a non-successful separation.

According to many experts, the top causes of divorce are: lack of commitment (which often includes a loss of attraction or intimacy;) infidelity of any kind; lack of effective conflict resolution or corrosive fighting; getting married too young; and money issues.

Not surprisingly, many couples who are separated have more than one of these issues. And the stronger the disconnect, the more likely the issue is to irrevocable damage to your marriage. So it makes sense to place your focus and identifying and clearing any of these (or similar issues) instead of focusing on the statistics. Doing so gives you a much better chance of reconciling.

What Statistics Say (And Why They Are So Hard To Capture And Portray Accurately): You may have guessed that I waited to reveal the statistics because they’re daunting and discouraging. You’d be right. Although the statistics vary – they suggest that anywhere from 70 – 85 % of separations eventually end in divorce. I know that these numbers are scary, but don’t panic.

These numbers by themselves certainly do not sentence you to a divorce. They are only numbers. And I would argue that they are numbers that are very difficult to quantify. While it’s very easy to keep track of couples who marry and divorce (as there are legal records for this,) it is much harder to quantify separations because many couples do not go through the legal system when they separate. Rather, many couples agree to live separately, pause their marriage, or take a break. Separations are unique and one may look and function differently than another. But many of them don’t include official filings that are easy to track. Therefore, it may be harder to capture these outcomes.

How To Proceed Despite The Statistics: I hated to disclose the numbers because I don’t want anyone to become discouraged or frustrated. Statistics are only numbers. They can’t account for the people or issues involved. They can’t account for your determination, tenacity, or effective strategy.

Don’t allow this to take you out of the game if you still are invested in winning. There was a time when things looked bleak during my own separation. People I love and respect told me that I was headed for divorce. I knew that they were probably right. But I didn’t have it in my heart to give up. I didn’t have any grand plan at the time (although I developed one later,) but I’m so grateful that I didn’t give up, even inwardly. Because I’m still married today because I hung on, no matter how loosely at times. (You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com)

So yes, the statistics for the success rates of trial separations isn’t encouraging on the surface. But I can tell you that plenty of couples reconcile. Many have happier marriages because of this. And reconciliation can feel that much sweeter because of it. Don’t discount THESE positive statistics. They are also real. They are also possible. Yes, you need to do everything in your power to identify and overcome your divided issues. Yes, you need to have a plan and not just wing it. And I’ll even concede that sometimes you need a bit of luck. But none of this is impossible.

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Why Doesn’t My Unhappy Husband Ask For A Divorce When He So Clearly Wants One?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who fully realize that their marriage may exist on borrowed time. Some of these wives have husbands staying with family and friends as the couple gives one another space or spends time apart. Others are living life as a separated couple, and the marriage may not survive. Others have a husband who regularly announces how unhappy he is in the marriage, so it’s clear that he wants out of it.

And yet many of these wives wonder: If this husband is so unhappy, why hasn’t he filed or asked for a divorce? Why is he just treading water? Why won’t he make a decision?

A wife might say, “My husband has been living with his brother for about thirteen weeks. He initially made no secret about his relief to be free of me. We have been a little more cordial for the last several weeks. We’ve even had a few laughs. But we are nowhere close to reconciling. He still seems very content to be living like a single man. He has planned trips for himself. He has made an investment on his own. He seems to be moving away from me. None of his plans ever include me anymore. And yet, he has not filed for divorce. In fact, he has never even mentioned one. Why? I just can’t figure it out. I don’t want to ask him because I don’t want him to think that I’m actually pushing for a divorce. I’m not. Despite all that has happened between us, I’d like to save our marriage eventually. But I’m not naive or stupid. I know that our future looks very bleak. I know that he’s leaning toward ending our marriage very soon. But I just can’t fathom why he hasn’t filed or asked me for a divorce.”

There are many reasons why he may be dragging his feet or hesitant to file or ask for a divorce. I will list some of what I consider the most likely below.

Ending Your Marriage Is A Huge Decision That Has Serious Repercussions: Despite how it might feel right now, most people are hesitant to end their marriages. Getting a divorce is an enormous decision that will necessitate a lifestyle change for both spouses, children of the marriage, and even extended family.

This is going to affect the lives of people who your husband cares about. Most people do not take this likely. So if he is going to make this type of decision, he’s going to want to be very sure about it, which leads me to my next point.

He May Have Mixed Feelings: I find that many wives fearing divorce will view their situations with a negative slant. Because we are so afraid of losing our marriages, we’ll worry that this is exactly what is going to happen, even when he hasn’t yet mentioned a divorce. So when our situation improves, even if it’s only slightly, we can’t see it. Even when our husband’s perceptions may be changing for the better, and even when he’s just beginning to have mixed feelings, we can’t bring ourselves to admit improvement.

Possibly, your husband may not be enjoying the single life as much as you think. While he may still want to live separately and explore how he feels within this new normal, he may not be positive that he wants to end your marriage.

He may still be waiting to evaluate how he’s going to feel when enough time has passed that he can trust his feelings. Or, his feelings may be changing, even if only a little.

He May Be Gearing Up To File In The Near Future: I hate to even bring up this possibility, but it happens. Sometimes, when husbands seem a bit slow to file for divorce, they are educating themselves on this process so that they’re well prepared when it actually happens. They’re meeting with or researching attorneys and pondering their options. They may even be saving some money to gear up for the expense of a divorce.

Now, this is only true of a subset of husbands. I’m not implying that this is true of your husband. But I do feel that I need to mention it as a possibility because I have seen it happen.

How To Handle This Possible Calm Before The Storm: I understand that you are living with a sense of dread right now. I experienced the same thing. But I learned that the most efficient and effective way to deal with this situation is to see the time you have a gift and work with what you have.

In truth, he HASN’T filed for divorce yet, which means that, by definition, you still have an opportunity to save your marriage.

I know that you don’t make much of the slight improvement you’ve seen, but I believe that it is a mistake to underestimate it. My own situation looked just as dire. However, I’m still married. And a big reason for that is that I seized on a series of small, tiny opportunities to make gradual progress and eventually, to save my marriage.

As long as there is no divorce, anyone can employ this strategy (and I even know of a few couples who reconciled after a divorce.) Sharing a few laughs may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s significantly better than where you started. Acknowledge this and try very hard for similar small gains.

During my own separation, I had to embrace a plan that meant that as long as I was still married, I was going to maintain my hope, no matter how small. This seemed naive or even silly at times. But looking back, it made all of the difference and meant that my biggest fear – losing my marriage, never actually happened.

I can’t tell you exactly why your husband hasn’t filed for divorce. But I can tell you that, despite all the uncertainty, it does mean that you are still married. And this is a huge advantage. Use it. Keep trying while you still can. You can read about how I kept plugging away at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Can I Do To Give My Husband Space In Our Marriage?

by: leslie cane:  The “giving space” request is a very common one with unhappy husbands.  On an almost daily basis, I hear from wives whose husband have either requested space within their marriage or during a separation.   And sometimes, wives just aren’t sure what he means by this.  They want to give him what he is asking for, but they are afraid of doing too much or too little.

I heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he felt “smothered” in their marriage and he just wanted for her to back off a little bit and give him some time to himself.  As of now, he hadn’t mentioned a separation or divorce.  As the wife understood it, the husband intended to remain married as long as she gave him the distance that he was asking for so that he didn’t feel “too tied down.”

She said, in part: “I’m not sure what he means when he says he wants space in our marriage.  Does this mean that he pretty much doesn’t want to see or be with me during this process?  Does it mean I shouldn’t be loving to him or reach out to him?  Does it mean that we don’t have sex or act like a married couple?  Am I pretty much supposed to leave him alone until the takes the initiative to reach out to me?  I’m just struggling to understand what he really wants from me and what he’s hoping to accomplish with this.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Although There’s No Set Rules Or Guidelines About Giving Your Husband Space, Here’s What Men Often Really Mean When They Ask For It: Many wives admit to me that they assume that a husband who asks for space is falling out of love with his wife.  I certainly don’t think that this is accurate all of the time.  Men who dialogue with me on my  blog often admit that they ask for time and distance because they want some time to themselves to sort through some struggles that they are having.   Often, these struggles are directly related to the marriage, but not always.

Many husbands in this situation will tell you that they feel like they rarely have time to think and reflect alone.  Sometimes, their wife is noticing their struggles also, and, naturally, she wants to help because she loves her husband.  But sometimes, she over reaches and comes on too strong and this request for space is a direct response to this.  Another common scenario is for the husband to look around and realize that he rarely has time to go out with family or friends alone.  He may have some single family members or coworkers and he notices that he’s the odd man out.  His friends may tease him about being tethered to the “ball and chain” and his request for time to himself is his way to address this. Sometimes, men just want to relax and hang out with their male friends and they are hoping that asking for space allows this.

Giving Your Husband His Space While You’re Still Married And Living Together: This is the least risky of the many scenarios in this situation.  If your husband hasn’t requested to move out or separate, at least you know that, for right now, he’s still committed to and invested in the marriage.  In this case, giving him time can mean backing off and allowing him to show you what he wants.  What I mean by this is that you allow him that alone time or the time with his friends that he wants.  Many wives tell me that they find this to be easier said than done.  After all, they still live under the same roof.

I usually suggest that the wife follow a similar path.   She can spend time with her friends or family, or pursue solo activities that she might enjoy but has been putting off.  The key is really to just allow him what he has asked for without trying to make him feel guilty about it or repeatedly questioning him about what he thinks and feels.  To the extent that you can, you want to appear calm and confident.  Panicking or repeatedly asking for reassurance will often only make things worse.

This is easier if you commit to allowing your husband to take the initiative.  Let him ask you to spend time with him.  Let him become affectionate to you or initiate the physical contact and then follow his lead.  That’s not to say that you have to always hold back, but there’s usually less confusion if you busy yourself with other things and allow him to reach out to you when he’s ready.  This way, you’ve placed yourself in a much stronger position and he can’t claim that you didn’t comply with his request.

Tips On Giving Your Husband Space During A Separation: This situation is a bit different because obviously, the husband in this scenario believes that more drastic action is in order. He thinks that in order to get that distance he wants, he has to separate from his wife.  Many husbands initiate a separation because they believe that’s the only way to get some distance to really clear their head and evaluate the marriage or what they want going forward without always having their wife around to cloud their thinking.  So, in order for the separation to work where your husband feels like he has what he needs to evaluate or do his thinking, you’ll need to back off somewhat.

This can be harder to accomplish when you are wondering what he’s doing, how he is, and where he is in the process.  But from my own experience, I believe that you are better off allowing him to take the lead rather than trying to force your hand.  Now, this doesn’t mean that you should ignore your husband or go completely off of the grid.  It’s OK to occasionally check in and then let him know that, because you’re respecting his need for space, you’re going to wait to hear from him.   What you want to avoid is reaching out too much so that he still feels smothered or feels as if he needs to move further away from you or make a firmer stand to get what he has asked for.

Does this mean that you can never call, text, or drop by?  Not necessarily.  Often, you will sort of feel your way as you see and experience his behaviors and responses.  If he takes the lead and initiates the calls and contact, then you might reciprocate the next time but then back off and wait for him once again.  You never want to feel as though you are the only one who is initiating the contact.  Because this makes you appear undesirable and this makes your husband feel as though he might never get what he really wants as long as he stays married.

I know that it’s difficult to back off when you are so worried about the state of your marriage or you miss him.  But sometimes, you have to literally force a distance.  Make plans with friends, take a class, or schedule something that’s out of town.  Things didn’t really turn around for me until I put a short term literal distance between us (meaning we were miles apart since I went home for a while.)  I knew that if I was close by, I would be tempted to come on too strongly and this turned out to be the right call.  If you’d like to read more about how this played out and how I finally got things to work, you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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