Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives wonder what they can do to convince or get their husband to work on their marriage. Many times, their husband is reluctant to give them even a little hope that the marriage can be saved. He may all but tell the wife that he isn’t going to lift a finger to help her restore the marriage. This is usually so frustrating to those same wives because they suspect that if they could just him to put in a tiny bit of effort and to try just a little, then they could save their marriage and keep their family together. But, because he won’t cooperate, they fear that they are just going to have to watch hopelessly as their marriage falls apart.

A wife might explain: “our marriage has struggled for the past five years. My husband lost his job and my mother died within the same month. Since that time, it seems as if it’s been just one thing after another in our lives. It seems like once one stressor gets solved, another is right there waiting. And with each stressor, our marriage takes another hit. Our marriage is in shambles. I feel like there are no real feelings between us anymore. However, I feel that we could get our marriage back together if we just committed to working together. I am willing to work very hard to reignite my marriage. But my husband will not commit to the same. He says he won’t even try to work on our marriage because he just doesn’t think it’s worth the effort. He says we aren’t going to make it anyway, so why pay a counselor, do all this work, or try so hard and still fail? And that is where we disagree. I think that once we worked on our marriage, we would be just fine. But in order for that to happen, I need some cooperation from him. What would you advise me to do when I’m dealing with a husband who won’t even try to work on our marriage?”

These are tough questions, but I do have definite opinions on this, which I will share below.

If Your Husband Feels Forced Into Working On The Marriage, His Enthusiasm Level Will Be Very Low: Women so often ask me how to convince, make, or get their husband to work on the marriage with them. What they often do not understand is that they are trying to influence his decision to do something by force and this almost never goes exactly right. People who feel as if they had no choice in their actions or behaviors will often resent the same. As a result, they will often either not fully participate or do something to sabotage the results of their participation.

At the end of the day, your real goal is probably to save your marriage no matter how you get there. You might think that the simplest way to get there is to find some way to get your husband to “work” on your marriage. But that description holds such negative connotations, especially for a man, which I’ll now discuss.

Why Working On Your Marriage Probably Isn’t Your Husband’s Idea Of A Good Time: I hear from many men on my blog who tell me that the second their wife starts talking about “working” on their marriage, their toes curl, their hands clench, and they immediately start to tune out. You might as well ask him to put on an apron and go running through tulips because this is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for some men. Sometimes, in your husband’s mind “working” on your marriage means that you’re going to dissect his feelings, tell him where he is lacking, or give him a laundry list of exactly what you think is wrong with him. This is extremely uncomfortable in his mind and he wants to avoid it.

So please remember this. If you can re-frame your request so that you avoid the descriptions or connotations of working, then you will likely get more cooperation. So think about and find his currency. Is it physical contact? Is it doing things that he likes? Instead of saying you want him to get down to work, tell him that you miss the electric chemistry you used to have and you want to turn up the heat again (or whatever would get his cooperation.)

Understand What Working On Your Marriage Truly Means: Many people mistakenly assume that working on their marriage means that you are going to need to immediately solve all of your problems. That’s probably not realistic. What you are really trying to do is improve your connection so that you both enjoy and are invested in the marriage again. For some, the best and easiest way to accomplish this is by obtaining some kind of outside help. For others, it might be focusing on having light-hearted fun together and leaving the experts out of it, at least initially. Don’t make the mistake of making the process so heavy and painful that neither of you are fully and wholeheartedly into it.

A Suggested Script For When Your Husband Won’t Even Try To Work on Your Marriage: Women often ask me what they can say to convince their husband to work on the marriage. The right words and phrases are going to be different for each husband depending on his personality. But one suggestion might be something like: “I know that you have been resistant to address and work on our marriage. I’m not sure why this is. But I can see that this topic makes you uncomfortable, so can we shelf that and start over? I don’t want to ask you to do something that you are resistant to doing. I want you to enjoy the process. I want you for both of us to be happy the way we were when we first got married and we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I want to look at you again and feel my heart beat out my chest and I want for you to feel the same way. And I really don’t care how we get there. I just want to get there. So can you tell me how you want to get there? What would make you the most comfortable and willing to work with me? What would you like to focus on? I’m willing to follow your lead as long as we are moving forward together.”

Do you see the difference? If you approach it in the spirit of cooperation and compromise rather than “work” you will often be much more happy with the results.

As you might have guessed, I made the mistake of asking my husband to “work on” or “try to” save our marriage. This wasn’t all that appealing to him so he moved out and avoided me. I had some serious catching up to do and I am trying to help you avoid that. We did eventually reconcile once I learned what works and what doesn’t. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people who reach out to me are wives. They are wives who are reluctantly separated and who are miserable living without their husbands. Understandably, they often experiment with different strategies and behaviors to try to encourage a reconciliation. Sometimes, these experiments work. And other times, they are an undeniable disaster that makes things far worse. I want to help you avoid these disasters if I can. Because when you make them, you can set yourself back for weeks or even months. So below, I’m going to outline what I believe are boundaries that you just shouldn’t cross when you’re separated, and I’ll explain why.

Going Behind His Back To Lure His Friends, Family, Co-Workers, (Or Even Kids) To Your Side: It’s normal to want allies and reassurances when you feel very much alone. It’s also understandable to want to reach out to your husband’s support system when you are worried about him. But what I believe that you should never do is to attempt to commiserate or influence the people who are really his primary friends and family members. Yes, I know that you may love his family, and I know that the people who were his friends first at now your friends too. I know that your kids belong to both of you.

But, you want to make sure that your husband still feels that he is part of a couple, even if that couple is struggling right now. When you approach people in his support system to try to sway them to your side or to your way of thinking, you’ve just demonstrated that you are beginning to see yourself as an individual. You are pitting yourself and your side of the story against his. And that is the last thing that you ever want to communicate, especially when you’re trying to become a couple again. You want to present a united front while you still can.

And he may see these overtures as a betrayal and withdraw from you even more. You want him to know that you are on his side. And dividing and conquering is not the way to communicate this.

Hijacking His Privacy And Space: This one is tricky. Because I believe that you have every right to have the reassurance that he isn’t seeing or flirting with other people. Some may disagree with me, but I do believe you deserve to know that he isn’t going out with other women. But when it comes to his male friends and how he is spending his individual and free time, it’s very easy to cross the line into almost stalkerish behavior, at least as far as he’s concerned.

Many men are extremely protective about the space that they’ve fought so hard for. I’d never tell you that you have to just leave him alone. I always advocate for regular communication and contact. But there is a difference between regular and excessive. I know first hand that it is extremely hard to find the perfect balance.

Early in my own separation, I’d demand to know how my husband was spending his time, what he was doing with his friends and family, and even exactly what he was thinking. I can’t fault myself for wanting to know. But I was rarely satisfied with the answers my husband attempted to give me, and I’d end up pushing for more. As a result, he would be even more secretive, even when he was doing nothing wrong. I once even showed up where I knew he was. As you may imagine, this didn’t go well.

I know that I’m asking you to strike a very difficult balance. You’ll often need to watch his reaction very closely to gauge how close you are to pressuring too much. Respect the cues you’re seeing. It is easier to move more slowly than to make up ground once you’ve gone too far and now have to back up. I know that this may not be welcome news to you, but I’m trying to help you avoid what was probably my most costly mistake.

Playing Games That Are Beneath Both Of You Or Adding More Drama When You Need It The Least: Making a separated husband jealous is a very common strategy when you feel like you’ve tried just about everything to get a reaction and nothing has worked. So is posting strategic things on social media. Or starting rumors. Do everything in your power to avoid stooping to these levels. Although they may feel like long-term victories, they will deteriorate your relationship and reconciliation attempts in the long-term.

When you are buzzing with adrenaline and tempted to do something you suspect will just add fuel to this smoldering fire, stop. Now ask yourself if what you are about to attempt is more likely to make your husband think favorably or unfavorably of you in the long-term.

You’re looking for more than a temporary rise out of him. You’re looking for a positive (not negative) change in his perceptions of you and your marriage. Don’t go low when you can go high. Yes, it can be harder to go high when your emotions are getting the better of you. But it is almost always the best strategy.

Learn to stop yourself before you make these types of mistakes. Ask yourself what advice you’d give your sister or best friend. Often, you’d advise them against the path that you’re getting ready to take. It’s important to identify these pitfalls before you actually make them.

When in doubt, take the high road. Believe me, I know that it’s painful to muddle through a marital separation. But I promise that it’s even more painful to realize that you’re going to have to muddle through for even longer because of an unforced error that you made. Or because you couldn’t control yourself when you said or did something that you knew in your heart was wrong but did it anyway because you couldn’t get a handle on your emotions.

Learn what strategies work best to help you avoid this. Sometimes, it is calling a trusted friend or therapist. Sometimes it is distracting yourself. Other times, it is self-care or tough love. Figure out what it is for you and use it, over and over again, until you’re not only not making unforced errors, but you’re actually gaining ground.

I hope I didn’t come on too strong.  I just feel strongly about avoiding these costly mistakes.  Because the stakes are so high.  You can read about how I recovered from most of them eventually (and reconciled my marriage) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

But the better (and faster) strategy would have been to avoid them altogether.

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By: Leslie Cane: I have written tons of articles on ways to reconcile with a separated spouse. The other day, someone asked me to narrow it down. She wanted me to tell her the five best things she could do to inspire a reluctant separated husband to reconcile and get back together. I understand this request because I know how impatient you can be when you want your husband back in your home and in your bed yesterday. That said, everyone’s situation (and husband) is different. But I will try to list the five things that I believe work the best for most people.

Go High, Not Low: I know firsthand how easy it is to be paralyzed by panic and fear. Most of us believe that separation leads to divorce. And divorce is the boogieman under the bed. Divorce is the thing we promised ourselves that we’d never do. So you can forgive us if our panic clouds our behavior. We often do or say things we regret simply because our fear has clouded our thinking. I can’t tell you how much you hurt yourself and your chances for reconciliation when you give in to your lowest impulses. As hard as it is, you need to elevate your behavior, not lower it. Especially in the beginning and before you have made progress, your husband is sometimes looking for (and will pounce upon) any excuse to justify the separation or to think less of you. Don’t allow him that opportunity.

There will also be plenty of opportunities to feel down and unsure right now. Don’t allow your own behavior and actions to fit into this category. Always strive to act in a way that you can be proud of. Admittedly, some days this will be tough. You will make mistakes that you regret. But dust yourself off and do better tomorrow.

Strengthening yourself in every way that you can will actually increase your chances of not only reconciling, but staying happily together far beyond this.

Don’t Fall Back On What You’ve Always Done: Let’s face it. Even the best marriages find themselves firmly in a comfort zone. This isn’t altogether a bad thing. Many of us take solace in our safe, warm, familiar marriage. It is our safe place to fall. And if we are happy in it, there really is no problem. But when you are separated, it is a safe bet that at least one of you isn’t as happy as he thinks he should be.

So you want to resist the urge to deal with problems in the same old way. You want to make sure you aren’t falling back into habits that hurt rather than help you. And, when you spend time with your spouse, it helps to try new things to shake it up and make it feel fresh. We have to face it. No one wants to come back to the stale and tired. But plenty of people are willing to come back to the new and improved.

Always Wait And Evaluate Before You Act: I can’t sugarcoat this. There will be days during the separation where you may experience what may feel like overwhelming impatience. You’re tired of not knowing how this is going to end. You question if you can continue living this way. So you tell yourself that you want answers from your husband and you’re going to demand them. Or you decide that it may be a good idea to see if you can push him just a little bit because you need a reaction – any reaction at all.

I completely understand this feeling because I gave into it more times than I can tell you during my own separation. And I can also tell you that most of the time, I regretted it. Much of the time, these impulses deteriorated everything around me and I found myself in a worse situation than when I started.

What’s worse, I often knew that what I was doing was going to cost me, but I felt so much pent up frustration that I did it anyway. You must learn to delay these impulses and give yourself time to think about them before you act.

I learned to force myself to wait (preferably 24 hours) before I gave into my impulses. If I had an urge to send a frustrated text which I suspected would trigger my husband, I’d tell myself I could do it – if it still seemed like a good idea in the morning. This saved me more times than I care to admit.

Focus On Feeling Closer And Then Address What Divides You: I suspect in the days before your separation, at least one of you began to feel as if nothing was right with your marriage. It can also feel that way in the beginning of your separation. And yet, at the same time, you want to rush the process because it stinks to be so lonely and in the dark. So, there’s a tendency to try to work on your problems very hard and very fast. I’d never discourage anyone from working on their marital problems. You’ll have to in order to get your marriage back. But sometimes, if you and your spouse are just not clicking and are very far apart in your thinking, then fixing your issues is going to be a challenge until you’re back on solid ground. Sometimes, you have to step back and become friends again before you tackle the other very difficult aspects of your relationship. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, you want to simplify your goals so that you’re only worried about getting to a place where you can laugh together again. When you are, it is so much easier to work on your problems together.

Listen Before Talking. Give Before Taking: I think it is a given that both spouses are going to need to make concessions to get where the marriage needs to go. This may mean that you have to give on issues that would have been unthinkable to you six months ago. But here’s something you may not have considered. You’ll often WILLINGLY do this because being apart from your spouse and away from your marriage has a way of putting things into perspective. You realize that the issue you thought was a deal-breaker may be workable after all.

I promise that I am trying to save you time, pain, and frustration by suggesting that you just go ahead and begin giving a little more right now so that you don’t need to wait until you’re worn down. Go ahead and make concessions that might bring you closer together. Listen deeply before you talk. Hear what he’s actually saying to you. And learn how to read between the lines to understand the underlying heartfelt message within his sometimes vague words. People who are good listeners are a gift to a marriage. This is a skill you CAN cultivate. And it pays huge dividends. If you listen more than you speak, you are ahead of the game. If you give before you make your own demands, you’ve done yourself a huge favor.

These suggestions seem simplistic, but they are harder to carry out in reality when you are scared and lonely. However, I am confident that doing so will make things better. I can’t promise anyone a reconcilation, but I honestly think that figuring these things out allowed us to get to the place where we could even consider it.  Because we had a pretty disastrous separation before I made some drastic changes. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear with wives who are running out of patience during their marital separation. While many of them are grateful for the contact and access that they do have with their husbands, they almost always stress that life is nowhere near normal. Sure, their husband may come around and still be invested in family life, but he’s not even close to being invested in being a couple again. And so it feels as if life remains in limbo since no one will address the elephant in the room.

A wife might say, “My husband and I have been separated for about a month, and this has been the toughest four weeks of my life. We’ve been together for nearly a decade, and have been mostly happy. However, over the last year, many stressors have come into our life. My husband took on a highly stressful job that requires long hours. After a year of trying to conceive, we decided to begin fertility treatments. I am not sure if these stressful events have contributed to my husband’s feelings. But out of nowhere, he announced that his feelings for me have changed. He suggested counseling, and the counselor eventually suggested a trial separation. It was easier for me to go live with my parents, who are very close to my husband. Perhaps this is why my husband comes around so much. He helps my dad with chores and attends family dinners. He is in touch every day. But sometimes, this is just a quick text. He will occasionally hold my hand or show affection, but it’s all very light and doesn’t feel all that sincere. He never talks about my coming back home. He never tells me that he misses me or talks about a future together. Sometimes, I feel like he’s stalling because he’s waiting to see if his feelings for me will come back since so far, they haven’t seemed to. This is all quite confusing to me. Sometimes I wonder whether he’s just present so much because he doesn’t want my parents to think less of him. He seems to care more about their perceptions than mine. I haven’t asked him how he feels because I’m afraid of his reply. I try to go with the flow, but it breaks my heart how far away from normal things are. It doesn’t feel like we’re making much progress. I hate living in limbo like this. Is there anything that I can do?”

An Important Perspective: I think that there are a few things that you can do, but before I make these suggestions, I’d like to try to put things in perspective. I understand how much of a struggle this can be. I remember the pain of facing an undisclosed but an additional amount of time away from my husband and from regular life during my own separation. It seemed almost unbearable.

However, I hear from many women who are on the other end of the spectrum. Their husband is never in contact. He blocks them in every way that he can. When these wives attempt to initiate any contact at all, they look like crazy stalkers, when all they are trying to do is open a line of communication.

It is like pulling teeth for these wives to get their husbands to engage in any way. And it’s very difficult to make any progress when you aren’t communicating at all. I know firsthand that your situation isn’t ideal, but I promise that it could be so much worse.

I don’t mean to minimize your pain or frustration. But there is often a path to walk between separation and reconciliation. You are MILES ahead of the women who have husbands who don’t communicate or show anything but apathy or even disdain.

How To Feel Like You’re Doing Something While You’re Waiting (And Which Actions To Avoid): I would never tell you to just wait patiently while it feels like you’re aimlessly treading water. But it’s important that you chose proactive activities that will help rather than hurt.

I know how tempting it is to just come right out and abruptly demand to know where you stand or to act in such a way that is going to force him to tell you.

But here’s the problem with that. Your husband likely isn’t yet sure where either of you stands. That’s why he’s still maintaining contact – because he seems relatively sure he is not ready to walk away. But he also doesn’t appear quite ready to just resume life the way that it was. He’s not giving you an answer because he doesn’t yet have it.

But if you demand one, you are pressuring him to give you an answer before he’s ready, which likely increases the chances that you get the answer you may not like.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to attend counseling, on your own if necessary. That doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to live the parts of your life that aren’t directly tied in with your marriage. We all have jobs, friends, volunteerism, extended family, and hobbies that continue on, evolve, or even become enhanced when we have extra time to devote more attention to them.

I found that it was vital for me to stay busy during my own separation, and I always felt better when I used that time to help or spend time with others.

I promise that every way that you strengthen yourself during your separation will pay huge dividends toward a better marriage when you reconcile.

Getting The Answers You Want Without Applying Pressure: If you just can’t remain silent about your limbo separation status, you can always ask your husband vague, low-pressure questions like, “Does it feel that we’re making progress at all?”

If he isn’t enthusiastic about answering, don’t push. You obviously realize that your husband is under a good deal of stress.  You don’t want to give him any excuse to associate that stress with you. Instead, you want to associate being with you as a relief to the stress.

Always ask yourself if the action you are considering will make your reconciliation more or less likely. If the answer is less likely, wait. Note that the action you likely want to take the most is the action that may be the riskiest. Learn to resist the urge, or at least force yourself to wait and think on it. I found that instead of being pushy, I was much better off being playful.

Because there are other ways that he will tell you what you need to know. When you do make substantial progress, you’ll see his enthusiasm and participation increase. You’ll see less inconsistency in his behavior. His change in tone will become obvious enough that you no longer need to second guess yourself nearly as much.

I know that it may feel like this day will never come, but it is sometimes just around the corner. You are already at a position I encourage wives to strive for (regular contact) and you can build upon this. Yes, I know that the pace is gradual and I know that the timeframe is frustrating, but being patient is often a better alternative than pushing and regretting it.

Try to make the time more tolerable by participating in activities that improve your outlook and situation and by surrounding yourself with people who love and support you.

You can read about how I eventually got my own marriage back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: A lot of the correspondence that I get is concerning, but one type stands out from all the rest. This type of correspondence is indicative of a very serious problem that shouldn’t be ignored. You might assume that I’m talking about extreme anger, sorrow, or even claims of outright hatred between the spouses. Unfortunately, I’m not.

In fact, when I hear people speak of strong reactions from their spouse – even if those reactions are negative or even nasty – I feel a bit of relief. Because anger, resentment, frustration, and jealousy can all be signs of life in your marriage. They can all indicate that there is still somewhat of an emotional investment. And, believe it or not, you can work with that when you play your cards right.

But it is MUCH harder to play if your spouse is apathetic to you and your marriage. I’ll tell you why, as well as offer suggestions on how to handle a spouse’s apathy, below.

What Is Apathy In Your Marriage Or Separation? What Does It Look Like?: An apathetic spouse gives you almost no reaction whatsoever, no matter the circumstances. You’re not likely to see anger or excitement from him, even in extremely difficult situations. Instead, he is blank. He’ll just stare at you as though he didn’t even hear what you said. Or he’ll act as if you’re being hyperbolic or are exaggerating.

He’s completely withdrawn and no longer participating in the relationship in any meaningful way. This often means that, prior to separating, spouses live like roommates, doing their own thing even as they share a house. And, once separated, they aren’t going to cooperate when you try to draw them in or attempt to interact, even on important issues. And the more you try to force it, the more they will back away.

You might hear someone say, “I honestly thought that separating and living apart would force my husband out of his apathy. I thought he would have no choice but to interact with me as we had to navigate our kids and our home. I was wrong in this assumption. He acts as if I am invisible. He insists that all communication is in writing so that he doesn’t have to physically or verbally interact with me. Some days, I believe that I could tell him the house was on fire or something was wrong with one of the kids and he would act as if I’d told him that today is Wednesday. His reaction will be flat no matter what words I say. In contrast, if he’s talking to the kids without me or to one of his parents, he can be animated, loving, and will have appropriate reactions. It is just me to which he is apathetic. How do I break through to him when he seems to insist on putting up a wall to keep me out at all times?”

Find The Crack In The Wall: Please do not take this the wrong way. The question that I’m about to ask is personal, but it’s also designed to give you important information. We all know that there are two sides to every story, but have you stopped to consider your husband’s? I ask because sometimes, if you do, you’ll get some very big clues as to your best play moving forward. Even if it is very hard to find, there’s often a reason that your husband has built a wall around himself. Your job is to find the crack in that wall.

Sometimes, when I hear from husbands, I’ll get a completely different perspective on the issue. Husbands in this situation will often tell you that the wife acted with apathy first. They’ll tell you that they withdrew only after getting shut down repeatedly from their busy, preoccupied wife. They’ll claim that the wife always made time for the kids, but not for him. Or they’ll tell you that they’ve tuned their wife out because she’s ramped up her behavior so high, that it’s emotionally easier to not engage anymore.

I understand that this may be difficult, but sometimes, you would do yourself a favor to ask yourself, “What has it been like to be married to me for the last two years?” Answer honestly. I’m not asking you to do this because I want you to blame yourself. You are not to blame. But if you can figure out where his perceptions have turned negative, you’ve likely brushed upon at least one of the reasons WHY your husband has built that wall. Once you understand this, you can address it and hopefully begin to chip away at it.

For example, if you have to admit that you’ve been preoccupied and have put your marriage on the back-burner, then redirecting your attention to it is obviously an important first step. Because in your husband’s mind, he believes that you were apathetic first and his behavior is just a reaction to yours. I’m not saying that his perception is true. But if this is what he believes, then this is the reality you are working with right now.

Be careful that you both aren’t crossing your arms and staring at each other in a sort of perpetual standoff. When the culture in your marriage or separation becomes “hands-off” for both parties, you’re dealing with a situation where no one wants to make waves, and both parties assume that the other just doesn’t care. In fact, both people can care very much. But no one wants to be the odd man out, or the only one who cares.

You Can’t Force Him To Drop His Apathy, But You Can Easily Control Your Own Behavior: One of the biggest mistakes that I see a wife make is to keep escalating her own behavior as the husband shuts down. She comes to believe that she has to do something very dramatic just to get his attention. And the more over the top her actions become, the more he turns a blind eye. Needless to say, this can contribute to a very destructive cycle that only damages the marriage more.

Don’t attempt to address his apathy with more negative or bad behavior on your part. I understand the desperation you feel to get his attention by any means necessary, but trust me, it will often only make things worse. It will only make him even more determined not to budge.

What you can control is the culture of your marriage or separation from your own side of it. As uncomfortable as it may be, it is likely that you will have to be the one to initiate things and to take the lead.

I often suggest applying the type of behavior that you hope to see. I know that this can feel vulnerable and that you will feel as if you are doing all the work. But sometimes, the ends justify the means. If you want him to pay attention to and invest in you and your marriage, then this is precisely what you must do. Yes, sometimes, it will feel as if you are standing alone and without an audience. But if you do the right things for long enough, he will often not only notice but he will begin to reciprocate.

And at the very least, you will never go wrong being caring and cordial.

Understand What He Is Most Likely To Respond To: It is human nature to respond in kind to any behavior – both negative or positive. We often mirror behavior even when we aren’t aware that we’re doing it or have no intention of doing it. When he sees you making an emotional investment, he will be more likely to do the same because people move toward the things that make them feel good about themselves. It is just human nature.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore his apathy and just hope that it goes away. It likely won’t. And true and unending apathy can mean that the next step for your marriage is not going to be a desirable one. Admittedly, you can’t control your husband’s behavior. But sometimes, changing your own can gradually bring about a big difference that is the spark you need to get him invested again.

My husband was very indifferent and apathetic at points during our separation.  And I did shut down in response.  But I had to play a different game to save our marriage, which eventually worked.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Because I write articles about saving your marriage or reconciling after separation, I’m fascinated by any information that offers insight on why some couples manage to stay together despite daunting odds while others fold at the first sign of hardship. Do these couples have some trait that everyone else should learn? Is there some secret that they might share? A recent article suggests that the answer to these questions might be yes.

I recently stumbled across an article in “the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science” which reviewed over 170 relevant studies that included over 44,000 individuals. It concluded that relationship satisfaction and longevity mostly boils down to one thing – psychological flexibility. I consider this to be very good news. Because you can cultivate this trait starting right now. And this confirms much of what I’ve been suggesting for quite some time. I’ll tell you exactly what this is and how you can incorporate it into your marriage or reconciliation below.

What Are The Traits Of Someone With Psychological Flexibility?: Many of us have heard older relatives speak of living through wars, the Great Depression, plagues, and the like. I’ve always found it inspiring how many of them speak of these things matter-of-factly and without the heavy trauma that I would probably attribute to the same events. That’s not an accident. People who have lived through hardship often learn psychological flexibility to survive and even thrive during difficult times.

They can roll with the repetitive punches of life because they have to. More interestingly, they learn not to see experiences as all good or all bad, but as more neutral. They learn that rumination only makes things worse. And they look at problems in the long rather than short term. They know that there must be better days ahead. And they make do when things become difficult.

They also turn to their deep core values when faced with adversity. Even during bitter fights with their spouse, they still offer dignity and respect. When they face daunting setbacks, they always remember their end goal and continue to take steps to achieve it, no matter how small.

How Psychological Resilience Helps Your Marriage (And Other Important Relationships:) If someone who has strong psychological flexibility has issues in their marriage, they won’t vilify their partner, assume their marriage is a lost cause, or dwell on the severity or frustrating nature of their problems. Instead, they will approach the issues with a spirit of compassion and patience. They’ll give their spouse the benefit of the doubt and try to put themselves in his shoes. They listen. They’re willing to give more than they expect to get. They look for solutions instead of problems.

It’s no wonder that psychologically resilient individuals make better parents and have more satisfying relationships with friends, family, and coworkers. These people look for the good in others and strive to see the best in those they love.

How To Develop Psychological Resilience: If all of this sounds great, the biggest potential drawback is that many people will feel that this is not an attribute that they naturally have and can’t easily cultivate. Many of us know people like this and wish that we could be more like them. However, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we worry that we will never fall into this category.

This type of defeatist thinking often has you failing before you even try. And you can’t just leave this to chance. When you’re facing a separation or marital difficulty, one of the most common mistakes that I see is panicking and expecting the worst. This is understandable, since the end of a marriage is many people’s worst-case scenario. But this type of panic leads you to negative behaviors that may hurt your marriage even more.

And what feeds the panic? Fear and rumination that move in circles because of your repetitive and destructive thoughts. If you want to increase the chances of improving or saving your marriage, you must learn to stop ruminating and to slow down your negative thinking.

How you do this is going to depend on what type of personality and preferences you have. I learned to depend on avoidance through busyness and to replace many bad habits with good ones. I learned to exercise or enjoy new hobbies rather than ruminating on when the separation would end. I began to volunteer to give myself less time to dwell on my troubles and more time to help others.

I can’t tell you that I would not have been devastated if my marriage had ended. I would have. But I learned not to cling so tightly during my own separation. I learned to focus on what was still right in my life instead of solely focusing on the one thing that was still wrong.

I tried to sit with disappointments (or journaling about them) rather than taking action because of them. I embraced trying to approach issues with humor, compassion, and patience rather than complaint and frustration.

I tried to assume the best of my husband and to hope that things were going to turn out the way that they were meant to. I told myself that although we’d had recent and serious problems, I’d invested years of goodwill, effort, and love into the relationship. I hoped that this would count for something, and told myself that I’d do everything in my power to contribute to a reconciliation. But I also realized that I was only one person in this equation. I would do all that I possibly could, but then I had to leave it and continue to live my life in the healthiest way that I could.

I finally finished things that were hard, awkward, or just uncomfortable if I knew deep down that it was something that I needed to do for my own growth and health. I can’t claim to be the most emotionally resilient person in the world. I have still have a lot of work to do. But I know that I’m much better than I used to be. Living without my husband and my marriage for a while taught me that I can’t always have everything that I want when I want it. But I can also get through the worst of it by depending on myself, having patience, removing obstacles, and hoping for the best. But also knowing that if it comes to it, I’ll get through the worst.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to.  We reconciled.  But I like to think that I learned so much during the process that I would have continued to grow no matter what the outcome was.  You can read more at https:isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I’ve heard from a few people who have referred to their separated spouse as “prodigal.” This reference gave me pause, as I’ve heard it used to describe children (as in a “prodigal son,”) but not a spouse.

Still, it can make sense. In the classic Biblical parable, the prodigal son leaves the family to pursue a life of extravagance and pleasure, only to return home later, realizing his mistake. When he does, his father does not scorn him but instead welcomes him home. (Forgive me for this very simplified version of the parable. It can be fully read in the fifteenth chapter of the Gospel of Luke.)

But in a broad sense, one could see how it would be hopeful to see one’s spouse or marital separation in this way since there would be hope that the spouse would eventually realize his mistake and return home.)

I can certainly comment about how you might attempt to increase the chances of a spouse returning home to forgiveness and understanding. But I won’t be focusing on the religious implications of this topic, as I’m by no means an expert and others are much more qualified. Instead, I’ll offer some general insights that I will hope will help anyone going through this, as I know how painful it is.

Here is the type of comment I might hear: “my prodigal spouse decided that he wanted a break from our family life. His decision was very shocking and hurtful. We’d always been committed to our life together and to our children, family, and community. However, in the last few years, I began to feel my husband’s commitment to us wavering. He began to pursue his own interests – outside of our family. He said he needed more fun in his life. I tried to be understanding, and to tell myself that everyone needs something for themselves. But I had a bad feeling about his new attitude. Turns out that I was right. A few months ago, he announced that he wanted a marital separation. He said he just needed to sort himself out. I’d agree about that because he is no longer the person he once was, but I certainly don’t agree that he needs to leave our family. Still, he clearly wasn’t going to change his mind, so I told myself that he would likely miss our stable life and return home quickly. That hasn’t happened. He actually seems perfectly content to be away from his committed and moral lifestyle. He seems to be enjoying the fun he so badly wanted. I keep telling myself that prodigals return home, but I’m not sure why he would be motivated to do so when he seems to be having the time of his life. Will he ever come home?”

I can’t see into the future, but I can tell you that many husbands in this situation eventually come home. However, I think that there is an advantage to not just leaving this to chance. I believe that there are some things that you can do to make this process a bit more productive and increase the chances of an eventual healthy and happy reconciliation.

Investing In Yourself Is Never A Bad Idea: Many wives in this situation feel that if they wait patiently, their husbands will eventually come around. This is possible. But I’d argue that if you can make some investments while waiting, that would be time well spent.

A marital separation is often a scary and painful process. Rather than sitting around and feeling the full force of those feelings, ask yourself what you can do to support and empower yourself. You likely have more time to pursue enjoyable activities that will not only help pass the time, but help you to grow and improve. Only you know what you’d find enjoyable, but exercise, time with loved ones and community, learning new things, pursuing fulfilling hobbies, and journaling are all viable options.

If you can have fun doing these things, even better. Not only will that lift your spirits, but it may show your husband that he doesn’t need to leave family life to pursue fun with you.

Patience Is A Virtue, But Progress Helps Too: Many wives in this situation know that patience is vitally important. Unfortunately, we can’t always control when our spouse will realize that we weren’t necessarily the problem. Sometimes, we have to wait longer than we would like.

But that doesn’t mean that we just have to wait passively. Ask yourself if there is anything that you can do to improve the situation yourself. What can you control?

I know that this may seem like a crazy idea at first. Some wives have husbands who are unavailable or unwilling to go to counseling, or to even talk about the marriage. They think they’re too busy enjoying their new life. What can you possibly do in this situation?

You can hold your head high. You can conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. When you feel yourself giving in to pessimism or despair, you can call on those people who love you, have your back, and will lift you up. You can pursue individual counseling if this appeals to you.

Ask yourself what small, painless changes you could make to like or empower yourself a little more. What would make you a better individual, parent, spouse, or partner?

When I did this exercise during my own separation, I had to be honest and admit that I can be judgmental. I hold others to the same standards I set for myself, which isn’t always fair. And when I get judgmental, I get condescending, which hurts my relationships. I also talk more and listen less. So I learned that when I begin to feel judgmental, I should pause before I speak. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, I instead wait and try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. This has made me a much more compassionate person, and a whole lot nicer to be around.

When I addressed this, it greatly improved my relationships and even my opinion of myself. (And we did eventually reconcile). I believe that everyone has small issues that, if tweaked just a little, can result in huge improvements.

If you can identify something that you can do that might one day help your marriage, give yourself permission to do it.

I know that you may be thinking something like, “I see what you are saying, but I can promise you that my husband isn’t making any changes. He’s having fun and living life exactly as he sees fit. Why do I have to be the one to change?”

My answer is simple. Because you are the only one that you can control right now. And because positive change benefits you also. Positive changes create momentum that seeps into other areas of your life so that the improvements multiply and hopefully, are noticed by your spouse so that he’ll make his own changes.

I can’t tell you when or if he’s coming back. But I can tell you that supporting your own health and growth is almost never the wrong call. In the end, stronger individuals make a stronger marriage or reconciliation. It may appear that your spouse is having fun and not giving his marriage a second thought, but you don’t know this for sure.

So it makes sense to strengthen yourself so that, when the time comes and he’s open to coming back, you are in a better place and ready and able to get to work.

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By: Leslie Cane: I often write about preventing separation or  divorce even when things are arguably looking quite dire. So I obviously believe that it’s never too late and never too impossible to rescue your marriage. With this said, I have found from my own experience and from watching other couples in similar situations that it helps greatly to embrace a mindset that is conducive to your marriage-saving goals. I will list ways to help you embrace this mindset below. I’ve found that these things can work pretty quickly when you convincingly pull them off.

Don’t Harp On Where You Disagree. Validate Your Spouse Instead: When your spouse is set on a divorce and you aren’t, it is safe to say that you’re having major differences of opinion and perceptions. You may even think that your spouse is being negative, selfish, or hyperbolic. You may wonder what has gotten into your spouse. And all of these concerns may have some validity. But, right now, you need to find some common ground. And this is extremely hard to do when you’re on opposing sides of the same argument, and he is defensive because you’ve let him know just what you think of his faulty logic. 

It doesn’t make him a bad person to want to be happy. He is human for wanting to live a fulfilled life. Yes, you and I both know that this life can and should include you. But you don’t want to dig in so hard that he thinks he needs to get away from you to have the life that he wants. So you need to be somewhat objective and accommodating. I know that may sound like a lot to ask. But you are giving some to get even more.

You want him to see you as a redeemable spouse with whom he can work. And a spouse like that would want him to be happy and would want to build him up rather than tear him down. I know you think that some of what he’s saying and doing is wrong. But you have to be careful about how you express this. You want him to see you as a partner rather than an adversary. 

Evaluate Your Message:  I know that it’s very tempting to try to be helpful and to point out where your spouse is wrong. You figure if you just use the correct reasoning, he may suddenly see the light. If this doesn’t work, many people will try to use guilt, debate, or passive/aggressive punishments or withholding of affection. When you do this, do you realize what message you are sending? You’re telling your spouse that his feelings don’t matter to you as much as your own. You’re insulating that you only want to play ball when you get your own way. 

After a while, he’s going to shut down and stop listening to you because he may suspect that nothing is going to change. He may come to believe that you’re not really listening. You’re only trying to talk him out of his point of view. Right now, it’s your job to change this perception. 

The next time your spouse brings up his concerns, resist the urge to roll your eyes, point out where he’s wrong, or tell him that he’s being silly. Instead, make eye contact, take him by the hand, and ask open-ended questions that show your genuine interest. 

Never Underestimate Your Husband’s Simple, Basic Needs Which We All Share:  I know firsthand that most issues that lead to a separation or divorce are complex. However, some marital issues come down to very simple basic needs that we all desperately need to have met. We all want to be heard. We all want to feel loved and understood. We want the intense attention and affection that reassures us that we are truly desired. We want to be seen and appreciated. 

It’s so important to keep this in mind when you are dealing with your spouse. That angry, resentful man who is lashing out may also be a hurt little boy who desperately wants his wife to understand him but who is pushing her away at the very same time because she’s not listening. 

You definitely don’t want to give your husband the impression that he is just one more thing that is causing you problems. Instead, try to see him as just as vulnerable and hurting as you are. That will make it easier to approach him with understanding and kindness. 

 Let Go Of Any Need To Win: When I was separated, I found that every time I was able to put myself in my spouse’s shoes, this was helpful and usually made things better. However, sometimes when I encourage others to do this, I get a lot of resistance. People understandably have reactions like, “You’re asking me to be so accommodating when he never accommodates me.” I understand this type of score-keeping because I did it myself early on. But I can tell you that it often makes things worse. This type of inability to compromise just creates a deeper divide between you and your husband.

Don’t demand to be right so much that you can no longer see what is truly important. I know it is going to feel like you are always making the first move and giving the most. You may be the one who is making the initial changes. And that can feel frustrating. But you know what feels worse? Not having your marriage and your husband. 

Giving some in this situation can often mean receiving so much more. When your husband sees you going out on this type of limb and making this type of effort, he is going to take notice. And he may eventually start being a lot more receptive, which makes your job so much easier. If he starts mirroring you and giving a little of himself, well, imagine how much of a difference this would make. 

Very few of us kept score early on. When we were first in love, we couldn’t do enough for each other. And our relationship was gloriously happy. I’d guess that both you and your spouse want to feel this way again. You can agree on that. And if you can return the time and attention to your relationship with an open, giving mindset, you can begin to heal. It isn’t impossible. It doesn’t even need to be all that difficult 

Approach this from a place of affection, understanding, patience, and teamwork – even if you have to give a little more. In the end, you’re both going to win no matter who gives the most. 

Take this one day at a time.  But don’t give up.  It is possible to save your marriage even if it doesn’t look promising right now.  If it helps, you can read about how I finally did it on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Understandably, many separated wives look for clues as to their husband’s mindset. You have to consider that most of these wives never wanted the separation. Many of them desperately want to save their marriages. So they’re going to search their husband’s words and actions for any positive signs that they can find. One example is a husband who admits that he misses family life. Unfortunately, it’s very common for a husband to admit that he generally misses his family, but not that he specifically misses his wife. The wife often wonders if she should take solace in this admission, or if she is seeing positive signs simply because she wants to.

She might say, “I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. I know that some wives have limited access to their husbands during the separation. Thankfully, this hasn’t been the case for me. My husband calls regularly. And he comes over to see the kids quite often. In my heart, I know that his visits are mostly for the kids and not for me. But I’m still grateful for them. Still, he makes no romantic gestures or overtures. He never hints that we might get back together. He’s polite, but certainly not loving. However, the other day, he did say something that gave me some hope. After he tucked the kids into bed, he came out and told me that he very much missed his family. He laughed and even said that he misses dinner with my parents sometimes. This got my hopes up, but after I thought about it later, I realized with a sinking heart that my husband never said that he missed ME. He had just come out of our son’s room, so I am sure that insinuation was more that he missed the kids and family life with them. I want to think this is a good sign? But is it, really? What could it mean?”

I understand why you want to pinpoint exactly what your husband missing his family might mean. However, I don’t think anyone knows that, other than your husband. And he may not even completely understand his feelings. But, I can certainly offer my take on this, as someone who has gone through this.

It Is Likely A Good Sign That He’s Willing To Admit Positive Feelings Associated With Family Life: I’m not sure that I’d go so far as to suggest that your husband meant that he overwhelmingly missed you when he talked about family life – although that may well be absolutely true. But I think what you can say for sure is that he’s comfortable with your knowing that he does miss being a daily part of his family. And honestly, this is quite common. Imagine for just a moment if you were the one who moved out and no longer saw your kids as often. Of course you would miss being a daily part of their lives.

But it’s very interesting that he also mentioned your parents. He didn’t have to do this. And this is definitely less common. This could very well be a “tell.” Because your parents are associated with you, and he almost seemed surprised that he missed them, but he still felt comfortable sharing his feelings about it.

So yes, I do think that this is a good sign. But I understand your reluctance to read too much into it. Still, I can’t tell you how many separated husbands literally refuse to give their wives any hope at all. These husbands would never admit to anything remotely positive. On the contrary, your husband didn’t seem to have any reluctance. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that you are home free, but I think there is nothing wrong with being happy about this.

While This May Not Mean That A Reconciliation Is Imminent, It Can Give You A Place To Start: I hope that I didn’t discourage you in any way. Admittedly, he is not at the point where he’s telling you that he’s missing you or showing romantic leanings. But that isn’t all bad. You have to start somewhere. And you have many advantages that many wives don’t have. You have easy and regular access to your husband. He’s becoming more open and demonstrative. He is comfortable being with you and your family. You can easily build upon this. In fact, you have the “in” that I often suggest that separated wives to search for. This is the perfect starting place to  gradually build toward something more.

Be Careful Of This Common Mistake: With the above said, I’d caution you against one thing. I know you are excited and hopeful. But don’t allow that to cause you to suddenly push. I did this myself, and I had to start all over because my husband was not ready to move so quickly. If you want to play it totally safe, you can allow your husband to set the pace. Or, you can move very gradually and back off quickly if you encounter resistance. There is no harm in moving slowly in my experience. It can even be advantageous to leave your husband wanting more.

I know that you want to make quick progress, but I would argue that you already have. You are already on a positive path. Build upon that, and do nothing to sabotage what you’ve already built by losing patience or wanting to take or assume more than he’s freely offering right now.

Yes, I think that you’ve just received a good sign, but I also know that good signs can sometimes come right before you push too hard. Resist that urge. Maintain the positive momentum, and you might suddenly have a sign that is completely unmistakable and needs no interpretation.

Thankfully, I finally learned that I had to wait for those undeniable signs.  And I eventually got plenty of them during our reconciliation.  No one was as shocked as I was because things look very bleak for a while.   You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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